I Don't Know About That - Elephants

Episode Date: June 22, 2021

In this episode, the team discusses elephants with safari guide, author of "Whatever You Do, Don't Run" and host of the Deep in the Bush podcast, Peter Allison. To help support Natural Selection’s mission to make a difference in wildlife conservation and in the lives of people living sustainably alongside wildlife areas, go to www.NaturalSelectionFoundation.org Follow Peter on Instagram @PeterAllisonSafari. Be sure to check out the Deep in the Bush podcast wherever you listen to podcasts. Go to JimJefferies.com to buy tickets to Jim's upcoming tour, The Moist Tour.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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You might find out And I don't know about that With Jim Jefferies Also Michelangelo Hello everyone I'd say Rembrandt Rembrandt I reckon there'd be

There's probably already a car called the Picasso Right? I don't think so One of the headlights is on the roof everyone. I'd say Rembrandt. Rembrandt. I reckon there'd be, there's probably already a car called the Picasso, right? I don't think so. One of the headlights is on the roof. The Chevy, the Chevy Rembrandt. Yeah, the Rembrandt.

Sounds like a car. Why are they, because cars are always named after like, you know, different powerful things. It's always like a, a Tuscan or something. I don't know.

What's the name of a car? I can't think of it. A Honda, a Toyota, a Mustang. A Taurus. No, it's always star signs. That's. I don't know. What's the name of a car? I can't think of it. A Toyota Tercel? A Mustang? A Taurus. No, it's always star signs. That's what I was looking for.

Well, a Mustang is a powerful thing. It's a horse. A Mustang is a horse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tesla, he invented electricity in a way. Yeah. He did that Frankenstein shit. Louise wants a Chrysler LeBaron.

LeBarons are very powerful. Who's a LeBaron? You know, it's a Baron, but look, LeBaron. He's a Baron, but he's French. Economical power. Do Who's a LeBaron? You know, it's a Baron, but like LeBaron. He's a Baron, but he's French. Economical power. Do you want a LeBaron? LeBaron, yeah. Yeah.

I think it looks dope. It's a car. It was the car of the future back in the day. It like talks. Yeah, it was my first car, a gold Chrysler LeBaron convertible. In the Mexican community, what's the number? I'm just, I can tell you. What is the number one car?

What do you, like, I don't want to, you know, what? His brother's truck. I borrowed my brother's truck. Whatever's available.

Not Mexicans? What are those ones where they get the low rise that bounce up and down a bit? What are they? I mean, they're usually, I mean,

there's a lot, but there's Impala. Impalas are a good chunk of those. In Miami, it would be the Caprice Classic. Are the Japanese cars popular in the Latino community? Are they popular? Mexicans love Nissans.

They like Nissans. They love them. It was my first car. It was my brother's first car. In Australia, we pronounce it Nissen. Nissen. Yeah. Nike.

Cultural difference. All right. What do you got for us, Jack? For something moderately uncomfortable there's somebody who's responsible for figuring out the impossible

it's Jack with his live packets that's pretty well that sounds like a children's TV show yeah that was really pretty it was sung by

a friendly bear yeah that had just come out. By Fernando Macias? He's the one who did the other one. He has the best songs. Jack, what have you got for us today? I'm glad you asked, Talking Chair.

What is Lifehackets? Lifehacks is lifehacks I use in my everyday life that I'm trying to share with the world so we all have shortcuts. And they're really good? Like how you wear gloves not to get honey on your hands. They are really good, Jack. I use them.

All right. Okay, they seem to be working. Look at me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at that. I'm attacked. If you don't want a Dyke-y one, here's several tips.

Let your hair grow out. Are you hungry? Get a sandwich. Okay, I'll go to number two. Yeah, go to number two. That was the woodpecker, kids. Oh, the woodpeckers come to say hello.

This is my new, I'm going to stop doing characters in the show. The friendly children's bear presenter. Like that. Oh, I just mauled a family in the park. The police tried shooting me down. This isuled a family in the park the police tried shooting me down this is for the fellas in the room

hey you know how we have morning words sometimes your presentation oh god you creep me out you get so uncomfortable

when you start talking about sex that you do this thing with your voice like it's always dancing I'm about to start

talking about penises am I right bros? And morning wood Just so you know You wake up with an erection Morning wood Morning glory

Some people call it Oh I don't get morning glory Hold on a second though You have a life packet To deal with an erection Morning wood It's called jerking off Yeah

Can you imagine the erection You get after nine months Of hibernation So if you got morning wood and you have to pee, it's difficult because it's hard to aim. Yeah, just do the shower. That's a gym hack. What you do is you flex your arms and legs

and all the blood will rush there and then you can pee normal. What the fuck are you talking about? You honestly believe that if you flex your arms, your erection goes away. Have you done this? Do you know when you're fucking someone, you're flexing

your whole body. You're moving vigorously back and forth. Sometimes you're standing up. Sometimes you're lifting another person. You're holding another person up. Your erection doesn't go away. Those aren't related in any way. It's about redirecting blood flow. I'm not going to not give it a go.

You have to for science. I don't believe for a fucking moment that would work. Does that mean I need an erection? Loosen everything up. Don't want to have anything flexed. I turn into a jellyfish so that my fucking dick will work. Come on, man. Can you imagine you just standing in your room doing this with a boner

as your wife walks in? What are you doing? I'm trying to get it to go away. Yeah, I'm trying to get my erection to go away. Why are you bodybuilding? I have erection problems. All right, first one, off to a good start. Number two.

You don't really believe that, do you, Jack? It's up to the audience to decide at this point. He does. So you've tried it and it works. Oh, Jack. Look at me, I'm presenting it. The word for today is moron. Was it chosen before or was it just now chosen?

Okay, number two. You had a Tupperware for whatever reason? I hate, hate the way you present this. I always look at you too. You can never be an infomercial guy. You don't have it in you. You're like, oh, this is awkward. What are you cooking for us today, Jenny?

Oh, eggs. I like eggs. So let's say you're out of Tupperware. Why would you be out of it? It lasts forever. That's the whole purpose of it. Let's say all of your Tupperware is taken out or all your lids are missing

you've lent it to people it's being used that's a pesky problem we can all relate to what do we do well let's say you made some mac and cheese right

you just put the pot in the fridge and put the lid on and walk away I quit this show his idea is if you're out of something don't use it just use the pot you cooked in it works you is if you're out of something, don't use it.

Just use the pot you cooked in. It works. You know if you're out of glasses and you want to drink, just scoop your hand under a top and splash it into your mouth. Why do you just lean under and drink out of it like a faucet? That's not replacing. Pot and pan doesn't do the same as Tupperware. Tupperware can seal.

And it takes up so much room. Yeah, the handle's sticking out. Next. And then you're there going, and then if you're out of pots, put your Tupperware on the stove. That's right. That's number three. Number three. This is one I learned in English class in high school. I before he.

They, there, and they. Alright, number four. If you needed to remember something, if you say it seven times out loud in a row, you'll remember it. Jackson idiot, Jackson idiot, Jackson idiot, Jackson idiot, Jackson idiot, Jackson idiot, Jackson idiot, Jackson idiot, Jackson idiot. It's good.

I'll say it one more time. Jackson idiot. I forgot it now. I did too many times. I lost all meaning. Archaeopteryx? I was going to say archaeopteryx. Archaeopteryx, yeah. Archaeopteryx?

But I'm going to be able to say it once. You have to say it right the first time, yeah. All right. I'm sorry for calling you an idiot. I remember that now. The Ford Archaeopterus. Yeah. That would be a good time. This guy's one's powerful.

Archaeopterus, seven times. That's it. All right, last one. No, say it ain't so. They're so good. It takes hours for me to think of these. These are your weakest ones. I love them.

I look forward to them. The weaker, the better. I don't want them to work. Just so you know, the weaker they are, the more time I've put into thinking about it. I think I can come up with something. You give me a bit of furniture or something like that, I'll give you a jack hack.

I've got it anyway. All right. Tell me your one. Tell your last one. Then you can test me. Okay, okay. You got stinky shoes. You got shoes that smell.

You know what could help fix that? Not being a teenager anymore and going through puberty? What are you talking about? It stinks and smells. You put some tea bags in there, and it absorbs the stink, and it adds a fresh smell to it. Does that work?

If that works, that's quite a good one. Yeah, yeah. I like that one. That's quite a good one. Does it really? Did you just make that up? I found it on the internet. You could just get odor eaters and put them in there.

Or you can put the hot water in there and you can get a really weird, unique tea. Yeah. How would you not lead with this one? This is your best one. You have to end good. All right. Give me something, a household product or something that I'll give you a life.

You're out of laundry detergent, but you still need to do your laundry. Oh, that's very good. What you do is you go to your sink with a bar of soap and you just wash it by hand and then hang it over the railing of your shower.

I've done it many times in a hotel room without laundry detergent. Your clothes come out very clean. Another thing you can do is you shower. You start showering with your clothes on. You wash your hair.

You wash your hair. This is true. You wash your hair. You let the suds come down. It all rinses off the thing. As you go along, you take off item of clothing. You wash your body. Then you hang the item of clothing.

You are washing you and your clothes at once. Wow. And are you taking off your shirt in the shower with one hand? No, no, it's too wet. You can't do it. You can't do it. You can't do it. You need to double hand it.

We can't do the race. All right. That's a bummer. Give me another one. That's a good one. That one actually works. I've done that. That's a functional thing.

Okay, okay. Okay. Let's say you were driving. It was really bright out and you needed some sunglasses, but you didn't have any. I stop at a sunglasses hut. And I just buy a pair of Ray-Bans. I got money. Yeah, okay.

Good one. Life hack. Be rich. Also, I got another one. Squint. Yeah. Squint. Squinting is a good one.

I give you squint. Or drive your car in reverse. Oh, there we go. Right? The opposite direction of the sun. Yeah. Here's a crazy one I saw on the internet it's um are you tired

of people looking at your computer screen you know you're looking up sensitive things and people keep looking at it what you can do

is all computer screens have a polarization filter so what you do is you take off the polarization filter and it just looks like a big white screen then you cut out lenses

and put on glasses and you're the only one who can see a big white screen then you cut out lenses and put on glasses and you're the only one who can see your computer screen. Why would you cut it out? You just get polarized glasses. But you need the ones that polarize it properly

for... Don't they sell screen things? I think it'd be easier just to get a divorce. Yeah. Because that's the only person who's looking at your computer.

I think that's pretty cool. I'm sure they sell things because they have it for the phone that if you tilt it certain ways, like nobody. That's what I have. Oh, yeah. So nobody can see.

Do you have a privacy screen? Why do you do that? So no one looks at my stuff. But what's the look? How's it going on there? When I was doing sensitive emails for you. Oh, okay. Good work, Jack.

All right. Please welcome our guest today, Peter Allison. G'day, Peter. Thanks for being on the show. I appreciate it. And why not? Let's do something different and play. Yes, no.

Yes, no. Yes, no. Yes, no. Judging a book by its cover. Okay, I've got to guess what Peter's about. I heard an accent when you first came in. Are you Australian? I am. All right, good, good. Because I was worried with those first came in. Are you Australian? I am.

All right, good, good, because I was worried with those animals in the back you might be South African and then we'd have a real problem. No, it's all right. So you're Australian, are you? Okay, you're Australian. You've got pictures of zebras. You've got pictures of leopards. You've got pictures of the desert.

Okay, so is your specialty topic something that involves animals? It is. All right. Okay. Does it involve the big five? You're one-fifth of the way correct. Oh, okay. So it's one of the big five.

There's a big five? What's the big five? The big five is, I'll see if I can get this right, is zebras. When you go to Africa, they go, you have to see the big five. The big five are very important, right? So you've got zebras, giraffes, elephants. There's like, is it buffaloes or something? That's the first one you got right.

Yeah. So the other ones are the big five. Rhinos. Yeah, I would think lions are in there. Lions. Yeah, lions. Okay, so maybe elephants and giraffes didn't make the card or the zebras didn't.

They missed the art. I have elephants. Did you say elephants? I did say elephants. Big five. Yeah, yeah. So, okay, so he's one of the big five. So I'm going to say his specialty subject is elephants.

Wow. Why'd you guess that one? Because he said elephant. I'm very good at reading people. Wow, you're like a mentalist. Yeah, it is elephants. I can see the calculations going. You had help because there's animals and stuff behind it,

but yeah, it is elephants. We're talking about elephants today. Peter Allison has been a safari guide for almost three decades and is the author of Whatever You Do, Don't Run and Don't Look Behind. Is it Don't Look Behind or Don't Look Behind You? It's Don't Look Behind You. Behind You, sorry. Yeah, that makes better sense.

Don't Look Behind You. That was better sense. Don't look behind you. That was the original lyrics for the Oasis song. Peter hosts a lesson series podcast about animals and conservation called Deep in the Bush. I've done that podcast. And also at Peter's request, we have a link that supports not just elephants, but a number of other conservation issues. It's naturallselectionfoundation.org. We'll put a link up to that if you guys feel like contributing to an organization

that helps for the conservation of animals. And also, Peter has a connection to you. We're both Australians. Sort of a connection, not really. To Andrew Taylor, he's got a connection.

Are you related to Andrew Taylor? I was. He was married to my sister. Oh. I stupidly didn't ask him for any dirt on me. Oh, okay. So he was married to your sister. So I know he's been married twice before.

I think one of the women was South African, correct? My sister is probably the less crazy of the two based upon the stories I've heard. Oh, okay. Okay. Yes. So is your sister Riley's mother? Yeah. All right.

Okay. Well, I know Riley. I know what's going on here. You know, her and Andrew get along fine. That's all good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good. Yeah.

This is your Australian manager for people. My Australian manager. Well done on her getting out, by the way. Good for her. I like to congratulate her. What a strong lady. It was a difficult project. He's still friends with Taylor.

That's how we linked up. No, everyone's friends with Taylor. I'm only having fun. Andrew's a great guy. Andrew's a great guy. He's fine. That's how Peter and I linked up.

Andrew asked me if I wanted to do his podcast. And yeah, there we are. Here we are. We're all here. Okay. So I'm going to ask Jim everything he thinks he knows about elephants. Like I have some questions here.

And then at the end, you're going to grade them 0 through 10, 10 being the best on accuracy, Kelly confidence, me, et cetera. Add them together. If 0 through 10, dumbo. 11 through 20, regular bow. 21 through 30, smart bow. I do a lot of those. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know when I'm not feeling creative. What about Thai bow? Who's Thai bow? You you know that exercise program from the 90s oh yeah 11 through 20 taibo 21 through 30 hunting bow whatever happened to taibo i i want to say that i'm a big fan of elephants i don't know if i know anything about them but i like to look at elephants yeah and uh i've seen elephants in, not in the wild, but I've seen them on safari and all that type of stuff. I've never ridden an elephant. I don't know how I feel about that,

whether the elephant really hates that or not. Do you remember we were going to, we tried to, weren't we going to get an elephant at first for the service animal? We wanted to get a service animal elephant. We made an animal on the Jim Jefferies show into a service animal just to show to get a service animal elephant. We made an animal on the Jim Jefferies show into a service animal just to show how easy it is.

And I thought we were going to try and get an elephant, but then they would have... We got a camel. Yeah, yeah. I still, I'm still registered to have that camel

go anywhere that I want with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hit shit all over the stage. Well, emotional support, right? Yeah, yeah, emotional support. I was going to ride in on the camel

and then I was like, it's a bit high. I was up near all the lights and emotional support I was going to ride in on the camel and then I was like it's a bit high I was up near all the lights and stuff and I was alright but I didn't want to get on and off it on TV it was just a bit high

and it pissed everywhere yeah yeah it was good alright I went to the desert with that camel for a photo shoot as well me and the camel

got to know each other real good that camel I'm pretty sure was also in that movie that bad movie with Morgan Freeman and Tommy Lee Jones where they're golfing.

Every time you see a camel in a movie, it's that camel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's the hardest working camel in Hollywood. Yeah, because I remember Matt Kirshen went up to one of the camera guys and he goes, yeah, but it's not every day that you film a camel. And he goes, I've filmed this camel six times. He's like, everybody knows this camel. Camel's a cash camel.

He's well behaved. All right. Sorry. All right. Let's start asking the questions. Do you know what a pachyderm is? Yeah, a pachyderm is an elephant. Okay.

Yeah, yeah. That's a pachyderm. Yeah, and I actually did know that term. If you asked me what the technical name for an elephant is, I would have said pachyderm, but you asked the wrong way. Okay. We'll see. Where do elephants come from? Like what countries, continents can you find elephants?

There's two main breeds. There's the African and the Asian. Okay. Oh, yeah, India is part of Asia. Yeah, Africa or Asia. Okay, and have there ever been elephants anywhere else? Not indigenously. Okay.

So how many different species? There's two different species, you say, African and Asian? I believe there'd be some subspecies amongst them. You know, I'd be like, that's the Indian, that's the Indian blah, blah, blah elephant. I believe there's probably more species, but the two main species are African and Asian. Okay. How many are left on the planet? Oh.

main species are African and Asian. Okay. How many are left on the planet? Oh. You know, that's always a tricky question when they go, how many is left? I know. Every time I ask you this for animals, you say, how are they going to know? Well, it's also because if you tell me there's only a million elephants left, am I meant to go, oh, that's terrible?

Because that sounds like heaps, right? But if you say there's 20,000 left, I'm going to say 20,000 elephants. How much does, we'll say, an adult elephant weigh? Oh. Male, female, you could even do a few. Well, the American elephant weighs a bit more. Cheesecake factor. Okay, so in pounds? All right, so so what in pounds

alright so I'm 210 pounds you gotta do more some more adding yeah how many of me would make an elephant I'd be a leg

a leg four across the body and a head right so that's one that's five that's five yeah yeah yeah you're doing it first okay that's it's nine nine times two hundred nine gyms make up an element one thousand eight

hundred plus the tens it's going to be close to two thousand pounds okay all right i'm gonna go three thousand pounds fuck it ten oh so so 15 gyms 15 15 gyms. 3,000 pounds or 15 gyms. Yeah, 15 gyms. That's a measurement that anyone can use. Actually, yeah, that should be what you count things in in the future. Oh, it's a fifth of a gym. What about their brains? Are their brains big?

How big are they? Well, there's a myth that maybe is the truth or maybe not that they never forget. And so if they never forget, they must have big ass brains. And what's the point of the big skull? If there's just a little brain rattling around there, I'm going to say they have massive brains. So you think they're smart comparatively to other animals? I think compared to many animals, I think the elephant is a very smart animal.

Yes. The elephant, I believe, and this might be a myth as well, goes back, travels around through its whole life, but then goes back to where it was born to die. That was the last question. That's a pretty- Near the end. Elephant graveyard isn't a myth, I was going to ask you. Yeah, no, they go back to where they were born to die.

So that's like pretty intelligent animal. I might be wrong on that, but that's what I've always heard. We'll see. Because I feel like I'm like an elephant in that respect. I've traveled the whole world. I'll probably spend my last couple of years in Sydney and just sitting around going,

what was all that about? Peter, also from Sydney. Yeah, yeah. All right. Do all elephants have tusks? Unless they get cut off for ivory, but yeah,

I believe that all full-grown elephants have tusks. Who is an elephant's predator? Like what? Poachers are the bad ones. Okay. So humans? Yeah, humans. Any natural predators? Who is an elephant's predator? Like what? Poachers are the bad ones. Okay, so humans.

Yeah, humans. Any natural predators? I assume that a pack of lions could take down an elephant and cause some mischief. I'll tell you another thing. Elephants love swimming, and they're good at it. People don't think they can swim, but they can. They're good swimmers. Okay.

That wasn't a question. Speaking of that, are elephants the largest living land animal? I'm trying to think. The largest living. How many gems? The largest living. I'm going to say yes, yes. They're the largest living land animal.

I don't think a rhino is bigger. A hippo is not bigger. Like a giraffe is taller if you want to go in height, but in weight and just mass i would say an elephant yes why do they have such large ears um because um uh it's so you can pull on them to get on their back yeah i don't know i believe that the ears would serve a couple of purposes the ears would be for listening would be one of their big ones right they probably need to hear things from far away.

But also it seems to me that they're an animal that moves their ears a lot, and it seems that they're always slapping dust and stuff off them with their ears. So I believe the ears would work as some type of cleaning mechanism as well. Okay. Besides their ears, are there any other ways they can hear? I mean, it's a leading question, but you know. Yeah. I'm going to say their tusk, if they go in the water, they could probably leading question, but you know. Yeah. I'm going to say they're tusk. If

they go in the water, they could probably hear fish and shit. Yeah. Okay. Their trunk. This question is, how does an elephant use their trunk? I believe it still works like a nose. They probably smell out of, I've seen them sort of go with the holes, right? But they can also suck liquid up there and a fucking hell of a cocaine addict. You've never seen more cocaine down than a fucking elephant. You don't want to invite them to a party. I tell you. What is the smallest species of elephant?

I believe the Asian elephants are smaller than the African. Okay. How long is an elephant pregnancy? There you go. Oh, golly. I believe it's probably the same as, oh, it might be a little, I'm going to say it's longer. How many months?

I'm going to say 13 months. Okay. I'm going to kind of skip ahead here. How old do elephants live to be? Uh, a hundred. A hundred. Yeah. A hundred. Are they self-aware?

Um, I think they know they're elephants. Yeah. Otherwise how would they fuck other elephants if they weren't self-aware? Yeah. You know what I mean? Like how would they go? Oh, I'll go fuck a giraffe. That looks like me. No, they go fuck another elephant because they know what's going on. Self-aware. Can elephants get cancer? I believe almost all animals can get cancer.

I don't know if fish and stuff can, but I believe anything with bones and stuff like that can get cancer. I know like cats can get it. Dogs can get it. You know, why couldn't elephants? I'll tell you a little animal in South Africa called the dasi, which is on top of Table Mountain in Cape Town, which look like little tiny sort of beavery type things.

Their closest relative is the elephant, and they're a little tiny furry thing. You think their closest relative would be a beaver or a wombat or something like that, but no, it's an elephant. All right. A couple more questions. Can they jump? Kelly put this question there. I never really thought about it.

I've definitely seen them raise up on their back legs and do the thing they do in circuses. I think they could jump a small amount. I don't think they'd get a lot of air. They can't dunk. Well, their trunks will dry. We talked about elephant graveyard. I like that the next question is just jizz.

How much? Yeah, yeah. That was kind of like when we were emailing Peter back and forth. To be fair, he used that word. It's an old joke. What do you do if an elephant comes through your window? Start swimming. Yeah, okay.

So when the elephant ejaculates, how much comes out? I want to say a liter and a half. Liter and a half. Liter and a half. All right. On one shot, depending on if he's had a wank that day. Like if he hasn't had a wank a couple of days before and he just shoots it off,

or if he's been fucking all day, he might just get a little dribble like the rest of us. Elephants are the Peter North of the animal community. I want to tell the best elephant joke. I heard this on TV the other day. It's like, how do you tell if an elephant's hiding in a tree? Elephino.

You don't. Oh. Elephino would be the one. Because they're hiding, you see. Right, right, right. They're so good at it. Elephino. Elephino.

Elephino. Pretty good. Okay, let's just stop on jibs. Peter, zero through ten, ten's the best. How'd Jim do in his knowledge of elephants? He was actually doing really well. I think that's if I listened a bit. But you're doing well, I think,

until you started explaining why you believed your answers. Oh, no, you just go for the answers. You don't worry about how I get there. It doesn't matter. The end result's the end result. No one goes, oh, this is a good cake. How'd you cook it? Well, that's not how it's meant to be made.

You're enjoying the cake. All right. I know, Tim. All right. Are you having a whiskey there or something? You're allowed to. No, you're allowed to. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All day. He's in England right now, so it's like. We just did a podcast on Prohibition. How much whiskey did you think? I'll ask Prohibition. How much whiskey did you think... I'll ask you a question. How much whiskey... This blows my mind. On average.

Do you think the average American used to drink a year in the 1920s? Right before Prohibition. And give your answer in litres. Well, I would guess they were probably drinking, say, half a bottle a day. Someone can extrapolate that for me. I'm drinking a Negroni, so I can't do mathematics at the moment. 88 litres.

88 litres was the average amount that an American drank. Average. Men and women and babies and everything. Fucking insane. Babies really got after it. Yeah, I mean, if they're factoring in kids if they're not taking kids out so that's pretty good

I think they probably take people of age but I will say this people can knock TV all they want if they had televisions that would have dropped dramatically that's why they drank that hard there's no TV, no radio.

They're just like, I've got to do something. I'm so bored. This podcast will come out two weeks after the Prohibition one, but it's going to sound like you've just been thinking about it, even though we've recorded them near each other. This will always be at the front of my mind. I was telling a bunch of people yesterday, too. I'm like, do you believe this?

Kelly, how are you doing confidence? I think you did very well. I'm going to give him a nine. a nine all right okay i don't know what we're up to oh wait so what did he get as a number eight nine okay etc minus five so you're taibo it's the new it's the new exercise rave that's uh sweeping the country okay so um what is a pachyderm jim said it's an elephant. Is that right? Yeah, it's an old term that was used. Ancient Greek just means thick skin. The derm part, dermatitis and so on.

And that was, they lumped rhinos, hippos, and elephants together. And they just thought they must all be related because they all had thick skin. And they're not related apart from being mammals. So it can refer to a rhino or a hippo as well. But biologically, it's completely defunct. So minus one for Jim. Yeah. Okay. No, but I didn't know that. I just assumed pachyderm

was elephant. What about somebody who just gets insulted a lot? Thick skin takes it. I'm not a pachyd it. Thick skin, yeah. I'm not a pachyderm. Yeah, no, not at all. You're a pachyderm.

Oh, yeah, the derm and the dermatology. Okay, yeah, the skin. Yeah, yeah. If I thought about it. You just broke it down. Where do elephants come from? Jim said Africa and Asia, not indigenously anywhere else currently i mean of the species that are around they're in 37 countries in africa 13 in asia yeah but nowhere else and so like like

you said currently that like the woolly mammoth right that would have been everywhere right that one would have rocked i don't think it was in South America because I don't think the isthmus of Panama had formed yet, but it was definitely in North America, across through Eurasia. I mean, the amazing thing is there's hippo skulls that they dig up in London from 40,000 years ago when it was much more tropical. So the animals where we think they are now, relatively recently, they were far more spread out.

But you were telling us, sorry, you were telling us yesterday there was elephants in Italy and Greece and stuff like that. Yeah, so the islands of Crete and Sicily both had dwarf elephants. There's a common thing on islands where herbs get big and mammals get small. And there's a particularly weird thing on islands where herbs get big and mammals get small. And there's a particularly weird thing on Crete where you had tiny little elephants that maybe weren't even six foot at the shoulder. So, you know, five, eight, five, nine, something like that. And there was a giant flightless owl there that possibly preyed on baby elephants.

And were those elephants, those elephants weren't indigenous there though, were they? They were just, Oh, okay. So they're no longer around. they're no longer around. Okay.

Currently. Pre prehistory. Um, so a flightless owl. Cause I remember you said, I don't know. It was a flightless owl. There was a giant flightless owl in Cuba as well.

What? And it would take down a mini elephant. That just doesn't even seem like, yeah, there's, there's a, the, we all know about dinosaurs but the stuff that died out relatively recently i mean australia and goanna a giant lizard that weighed as much as a horse and was possibly the apex predator in australia that the aborigines definitely encountered probably wiped out all right okay good thing that's. I'm happy that thing's not walking around, that big fucking lizard. Oh, no, it's horse lizard. Here it comes.

How many different species, Jim said, two, Africa, Asia? I guess that's right, right? There's no subspecies? Well, Jim was correct up until about three, four weeks ago. Oh. They've now determined through genetics that the African elephant is actually two different species. There's the forest elephant and the savannah elephant,

and they're distinct enough to warrant being called different species. But it's pretty obvious. They've got different numbers of toes. The ears are a different shape than the forest ones. The forest ones have really straight tusks. Because I live in a forest, you don't want things blocking your way as you walk between trees. And they've now said they're separate species,

but really that's fairly new information. So I'd give you a leave on that one. What's the big difference between the African and the Asian elephant? Like I believe the Asian one's smaller. Am I right or wrong about that? Yeah, you're spot on on that. That does actually answer your later question. There's a number of other.

The Asian elephant's got much smaller ears, proportionate to something bigger than any of ours, but maybe not your grandpa's. And the African elephant's much bigger ears. Their trunk is different. So an Asian elephant has got a single lip, so it can grip like this, like you're wearing mittens without a thumb. The African elephant's got two lips, and it's really quite amazing.

It can pick up a feather or push over a tree with that trunk. Incredibly powerful. And you mentioned your weight. It's about the same weight as you, just the trunk. Yeah, right. I should add another 210 pounds. It's about the same weight as you, just the trunk. Yeah, right. I should have had another 210 pounds. You forgot about yourself. The trunk's like 200 pounds.

Wow. Is there any crossbreeding between those two species? Like, you know how you got to like a liger, which is a tiger and a lion? Like, is there a half African, half Asian? They're not closely closely enough related they definitely spend time together in zoos the opportunity is there i mean it wouldn't happen naturally but they don't cross over um and maybe the african elephant i mean asian elephants to me look a bit funny they've got like a butt chin on their head right oh yeah they got the little

thing but i reckon in the zoo there must be some some African elephant that's like, I like Asian chicks. I like the butthead. Yeah, they got those big buttheads. He's got a fetish. I like big buttheads and I can't. So how many are left on the planet? Maybe we do it by African and Asian. I know there's two subs,

there's a subspecies in African, but still like, do we know? Asia is down to about 40,000. And you know, Kim, you're right in saying, how do they count them?

They can do relatively accurate counts of elephants. So bloody big. Yeah. About 40,000 declining rapidly. In Africa, you've got the two species and the forest elephant is about 400,000 in total. And of those, probably 100,000 and a couple of tens

are the forest elephant. Well, I said 20,000. So congratulations, everyone. We've done very well. The elephants are back. In the last 15 minutes, we found 20,000 elephants. The point is probably that there are 400,000, which sounds pretty healthy,

but that's down from 1.3 million in the 70s. Right. And go back to 1800, there was about 26 million. Holy shit. Is the main reason we're losing them, is it the ivory trade or is it just we're ruining their habitats? Ivory trade. So by the time this podcast is done, four or five will probably be killed

just for the ivory trade. It's roughly every 15 minutes somewhere in Africa. That's just in Africa. That's the main one. Loss of habitat is the big thing. So if you go back back 1800's also the year that human population worldwide

hit 1 billion and we've just improved from 6 to 7 in no time at all and 8's coming up tomorrow you know whatever

that's why Greta was so grumpy this is what I don't get about the ivory trade is okay so in my grandmother's house I remember she had a couple

of ivory things and I believe I've even seen like an old piano that has ivory keys type of thing um i haven't seen a new thing with ivory in fucking years like who's buying this stuff now it's so it if i saw someone with an ivory thing in their house i would automatically think cunt right so So it's like how is the trade still going? Is there still demand and who are buying it? There's been a massive expansion of the Chinese middle class and it's hard to blame the Chinese people because most of them don't even know that the elephant has to die to give up ivory,

but it's a very easy way to show stakes. That to them is like a big flat screen TV. It shows you've got money to spend. If the Chinese government came to the party and said, right, we're stopping this, you know that they don't do things half-assed. So it's really up to them. The Chinese government is just going to, they could stop the ivory trade tomorrow.

And if they, so if they remove the tusks, they have to kill the elephant or by removing the tusks it kills the elephant or is it there's a nerve that runs about a third of the length down that the tusk and it's a you see it in some of the big ones it's about as thick as your wrist so if you've ever had a sore tooth imagine how painful it would be to take that tusk out and then try to do it with an animal that weighs a lot more than you. You or the elephant has to die. Right, right, right.

How much is a tusk worth? Because I remember like I did a thing in Zimbabwe, I believe. He knows the guy. Damien Manning. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he was telling me how much a rhino's tusk is worth. How much is an elephant tusk worth? Because the figure for rhinos blew my mind. Yeah, so rhino horn's now worth more than gold per gram, per kilogram.

Elephants aren't anywhere near that amount. And it goes up and down like Bitcoin. Right, right. It depends on what Elon Musk says he thinks about ivory. Yeah, I couldn't give you an accurate figure right now, but it's enough for people to risk, Africans to risk their lives for the criminal syndicates. I'm going to say something slightly controversial,

but if I was an African person living in a hut in a village and I have children and there's the HIV crisis and this and I can't feed my family, I can't get clean water and someone's offering me a lot of money to kill an animal over there, I don't know if I'd be a better person. I like to think I would be. Right. But it's very easy to just go, these people are terrible human beings. They're also desperate people as well but it's fucking,

I believe the governments have to get involved and sort of go, as you said, China, stop selling the shit and all that type of stuff and cut off the market that way. But I don't want to, okay, I'm going to shut up now. I think that's a fair point. I think a lot of people stand on their moral high horse when they have means that they don't have to do extreme things. It's like your life would be so different. You'd have to make different choices.

Yeah. That's what you said in the field piece too. And I keep forgetting that Damien. Manda. Yeah. So the field piece we did in the Jim Jefferies show, that point was made in there. It was like, you know, they're trying to stop the,

they're trying to educate them at the same time as they're trying to poach. But it is like a hard thing to do when somebody has no money. You got to give it up to women. Those women were living in poverty as well. And they were just something that women have more empathy or whatever and he tried different guys but the men could all be corrupted

where the women just did their job so well why don't we discuss what we're talking about a little bit because he knows what we're talking about but our audience probably doesn't yeah I was trying to start doing that sorry

yeah so you can say it okay so so this guy he was like a soldier and he came he came back and then he got a co-cabin

from Australia, he got a co-cabin and his life was sort of sparring this. And then he got into animal cruelty and all type of stuff. This is the footnotes. And basically he decided to poach... He wasn't into animal cruelty, right? No, he was to stop it. He got super into

killing animals. Then he decided he was going to poach the poachers, right? So he was going to go out and hunt after the poachers and he went into these villages and stuff and got all the men together and said, here we go, let's do that. But then the men could be corrupted and paid off by the different poachers. So he started using the women in the villages

and they couldn't be corrupted and they now hunt down poachers. And they're fucking badass. And they're badass. They're called the Akashinga.achers. And they're fucking badass. And they're badass. They're called the Akashinga. Akashinga, that's right. Which means the brave ones. Do you have any experience?

I know you said you know him or you have experience with him, Peter? Yeah, I mean, I spoke to him about it. And one of the amazing things that he said to me that struck was that when you've got, you're going in to say to people, we know you've committed a crime. He said, when you've got guys, they tend to say to people we know you've committed a crime he said when you've got guys they tend to escalate that situation it gets more tense he says women de-escalate scenarios yeah that's not my experience fucking dream world we have an argument and women de-escalate the fucking all right

when we had rob O'Neill on the podcast who was Navy SEAL and shot Ben Laden we asked him if there was any women Navy SEALs he said no

but they did have women for that specific purpose that to de-escalate they would bring them into de-escalate situations that same thing like

so it's I guess around the world it seems to work not in Jim's experience why don't we have female why don't we have female presidents and stuff like that? Wouldn't that be a good thing? Every other country has. To have a female president come in and go, come on.

What are you bombing Palestine for? Cut it out. We have a vice president, so maybe Biden's old. We'll see. Yeah, yeah. Oh, geez, that's a big one. Elephants are matriarchal. So they have female presidents. There you go. Elephants, we'll see. Yeah, yeah. Oh, geez, that's a big one. Well, elephants are matriarchal, so they have physical presence. There you go.

Elephants, are the females in charge of the group? Well, elephants are probably more like us than any other animal if you look at their life rather than how they're built. They couldn't be more different to us in physiology except for a couple of quirks. But they live about the same length of time, which answers one of the later questions. They have a teenage year.

So they're born in a matriarchal herd. There is a dominant female, usually the eldest, and with her are her daughters and her sisters and female cousins. And the boys leave as teenagers. They leave home at some point anyway, 10 to 18 years old, and they go off and they typically serve a bit of an apprenticeship with an older guy who teaches them like, okay, your mom taught you what's healthy to eat and all this.

He shows them where to drink, great places to pick up girls. And this is literal. Right. Yeah. Yeah, this is a good waterhole. This is where you gamble. Yeah, this is where you want to go. You want to see the trunks on these bitches.

There was an amazing case, a reserve in South Africa. They took old farmland, just dumped animals in it, and they took some young male elephants because they were easier to transport, and they just caught them from the wild and they dropped them into this reserve called Pilansburg. And these guys were just straightaway juvenile delinquents. And one was running around just smashing vehicles. Another was trying to shag all the rhinos and breaking their backs,

which one ending killing another was not. You know, those pesky teenagers? Yeah, doing graffiti on the walls and stuff. I know how you feel about trophy hunting, Jim, but they brought in a trophy hunter and they thought, let's make some money. We'll shoot the one that's attacking vehicles because that's expensive for us.

And he did shoot the elephant, but the elephant fell on him and he died too. Ah, good. Love a happy ending. Yeah, for some reason, elephants are one of the ones that get me. I love elephants. I stopped going to the zoo, not the zoo, the circus, because I don't want to see some cunt fucking have a whip

and an elephant stand on its back legs. It can't be good for an elephant. How much space do they need? Because we always talk about like when you see a dolphin in captivity and you're like them living in that pool is the equivalent of you living in a bathtub, right? They need to swim hundreds of miles and we don't let them do that. That's cruel.

Do elephants need a lot of space? Is an elephant in the zoo a content animal or is this extremely like like do they travel a lot um do you get what i'm saying yeah yeah no absolutely so i mean an african elephant i'm sticking mainly with them i know them far better will travel about 25 kilometers a day but in drier areas can do almost 200 right so the answer is yes they like space wow that's what they need for food but it's the psychological need. I mean, how much space do we need? We don't want to live in a coffin.

We just want to live in one. I got to tell you, during COVID, not that much. I don't need much. I could live in a zoo if we have postmates. Well, they would feed you. It wouldn't be what you wanted. No, no, no, but that's my zoo condition. Your zoo is fancy.

That is why I think some zoos are inhumane. Because there's no postmates for the animals. Yeah, you'd be having sugar fish every day. How are they going to get foie gras? Do you get foie gras on postmates? No, the elephants do. Oh, okay. Everybody hates geese, so that's fair.

And as a person that, so you work out, how do you feel about zoos? Do you not want to comment or do you want to comment or how do you? You know, it's mixed feelings because it's like saying, you know, how do you feel about, I was about to say banks, but they're all assholes. There are better zoos. I mean, Taronga Zoo in Sydney, I think, is doing its best to give the animals as good a life as they can have in captivity. I mean, there are things like lions and they love being in captivity. They just shag and get fed chunks of donkey.

They're pretty happy with that. They sleep 18 hours a day. An elephant's got to eat 18 hours a day. So I think it's genetically wired to be moving. And it's also a highly social and intelligent animal. If you put it in there with just two or three other individuals, that's like being stuck on a deserted island for them. So I think some species shouldn't be in zoos. I don't really think elephants. See, my wife is so anti-zoo and i look at zoos the same way people look at

there's restaurants there's good restaurants and bad restaurants you got your joe exotic fucking zoo which i don't agree with where they're being fed shit meat off styrofoam trays and they're all bloody caught together and then killed if there's too many and then you got like taronga and you got the san diego zoo which which are a zoos, but I'm not even allowed to take my son to the zoo because my wife is fucking angry about zoos. And I've tried to use that argument that you've just given. There's an education component. I believe there's an education thing.

I also believe that they help species exist. They've brought species back from the brink of extinction. I believe that there's some animals that shouldn't be in zoos, but fuck me if I'd give a shit about a koala being in a zoo. An animal that sleeps 22 hours a day, every time I sleep, maybe you shouldn't handle them and pick them up, but the ones that you just see that are sitting in a gum tree, they're as happy as they are in the bloody wild,

I'll tell you that for nothing, right? And I never knew that about lions. Lions would have been one of the ones that I would have said, oh, they shouldn't be locked up. But now it's like, fuck the lions, put them in a zoo. They love it. Donkey meat. You know who doesn't like being in a zoo?

Donkeys, evidently. They don't have an exhibit. They're like, why is nobody looking at us? We're just in the backyard. They're just in a paddock off to the side. And we're just like, oh, we should have a better thing than this. All right. Oh, Kevin's being taken off. Maybe he's being taken to the good side. I'll see you next week, Kevin. Kevin never came back.

My wife's a vegetarian and we went to a place in South Africa, the world of birds. And there's a ton of eagles and hawks and owls. You know, there's cranes and herons. I went to a strip club called the same place that's where we went afterwards um but we were walking around there and she goes you know she doesn't like birds and she's a vegetarian and she goes the only thing i like about this place are all the guinea pigs i just didn't have the heart to tell it yeah the guinea pigs were on the jim jaffrey show we said doesn't that sound like a racist slur how much does an elephant weigh Jim said 3,000 pounds or 15 gyms 15 gyms yeah this was the one you were way off 16 gyms then then. You're walking giraffes, talking giraffes, then that's closer to the mark.

An elephant, a big male is about 5,500 to 7,000 kilos, so 12 to sort of 15,000, 16,000 pounds. What? Jesus. The record, there was one absolute freak that was shot in Angola way back, and it was 11,000 kilos, so 20-something thousand pounds. So where's the scale for that?

What do they do? They just put a whole heap of them, like one on each foot, and then they add the numbers up? Yeah, just a couple of bathroom scales. You've got to figure out how robust. You hold the elephant, you step on the scale, and then you get back on the scale without the elephant. I saw one elephant during COVID gain 3,000 pounds.

Don't call me an elephant, Jim. I actually have a question going back to the zoos because when you talk about zoos, the idea of releasing an animal back into the wild obviously doesn't work. Would that not work for elephants either it might with elephants um i mean a lot of the stuff like you know the lions like that whole christian the lion thing that was pretty much bullshit um lions that are hand reared just don't have the skills right it's you know like taking a country kitten dropping him in you know

the meanest part of the city. Yeah, and trying to have him figure out the subway system or something. Yeah, there'd be like that lion's released into the wild and they're like, alright, now today we have to hunt for our food. Donkey meat! No, no, no, we're going to hunt for it. Man with a shovel and

donkey meat! Does anyone want a photo? He ends it up at Sbarro. But an elephant is intelligent enough that you could actually teach it. And I do know places where hand-reared elephants have gone back to an almost completely wild existence. They'll still come back and visit the people that raise them, but they're living in the wild. They're breeding with completely wild existence. They'll still come back and visit the people that raise them, but they're living in the wild.

They're breeding with completely wild elephants. It's the hard part with a lot of these things of putting animals into the wild is where's the habitat to put them? They're typically in your care because their home got chopped down. Right. And if you take an elf, like say it could release a lion in the wild, you're dropping him into some other lion's territory and one of them has to die.

Right. Yeah. I want to phrase this really well so I won't get in any trouble. Okay, Asians, okay, I know they've been through a hard time at the moment. Asians, some Asians, some parts of Asia, they seem to not really give a fuck about animals, right? So you're talking about the tusks and all that type of stuff. When I was in Thailand and it was like the red light district, there was just a bloke walking a fucking elephant up and down past the

prostitutes wanting to have rides around the street. Is there a lot of, because I saw through Thailand's like all the different, right? Is that a big issue in Asia or is that an issue in Africa as well? But it felt like there was a lot of them being decorated and stuff like that. Not that where captive elephants are being exploited as entertainment. When you mentioned Joe Exotic, that was not a zoo. That was entertainment. That was a strip club just with animals.

Right. It was the most base form of entertainment. And part of it is just that size. Elephants have moods just like we do. Today I've got a sore knee and I'm a bit pissed off. When that's 5,500 kilos, it's a hell of a lot harder to manage. Right. But should you never do an elephant ride in Thailand

or something like that, or is that fairly humane? Do they treat the animals okay, or is that a pretty shonky business? In Indonesia, too. In Indonesia, yeah. Yeah, I think it probably skews towards the shonky. There's undoubtedly places that are doing their best to try to look after them. This is going to sound weird, but I know there is a massive

unemployment problem with Asian elephants because they used to be used a lot for forestry and now the machinery has overtaken them. And there's always elephants who are trained to go because and they were far better for the environment. This is going to sound weird in forestry than the machines because a big truck needs a road to go in and pick up a log. An elephant could walk through the forest, get the hardwood,

and drag it back out and leave the other trees intact. So there's actually an argument to be made that if you're going to log, use elephants, and it's better for, it's less shit for the environment. Do you think the elephants like doing the logging, or do you think they're like, now they're out of work, they're just like, oh, I used to work forest, me. Back in the day, there're out of work they're just like, oh, I used to work forest me. Back in the day there was plenty of work for everyone. And now

they've taken the forestry industry away. It's the government, I tell you. And they're collecting unemployment. So they're lazy. They don't want to go back to work. Bloody lazy, sit around, fucking elephants. Fucking pachyderms. Taking handouts. Whatever they do, what they eat. I would say that...

You should have asked me what they eat. Oh, yeah. What do they eat? Not sure. No, I think it looks like it's grass and hay and stuff like that. I've never seen one of them hack into a steak. I feel like they're vegetarians. They're herbivores, I believe.

Correct me if I'm wrong. Are elephants herbivores, I believe. Correct me if I'm wrong. Are elephants herbivores? Yeah, 100%. They're pretty broad in what they really value. Grass, when it's green. You can actually look at an elephant and say December or February. Oh, why? Because you can see the Thanksgiving dinner or Christmas or christmas yeah oh there's a lot of

egg in this one this one's from easter um and even going back to the the asia thing you're talking about peter kind of touched on it too is like you know in china right now there's this there and then other asian countries too there's there's a lot of development and people becoming getting more money and getting more status than they used to be able to and so they're kind of developing at a different rate than where, so there's a lot of that that happens too where it's like either it's ivory trade or

whether it's animals that are exploited or something like that it's kind of like this, that's what's happening there. When you say like a Tusk is like a flat screen TV, it's not like if your kid has a sleepover and comes back, you're going to go, oh, you want to go to the Joneses? Biggest tusk I've ever seen. But like during the Industrial Revolution when that started things,

when ivory was a huge thing here in the turn of the 20th century, that's what our country was like America was doing. It was like becoming this superpower, and that's what's happening with China now and that's happening. I mean, even when we were in Thailand together, you can see these high rises coming up they're like wow there's a lot of money coming into bangkok right now that didn't used to be there and i'm not saying that as an excuse i'm just saying that's the explanation i think for a lot of that all right all right quick quiz who do you reckon is the most famous elephant not like dumbo not a fake fictional like who's the most famous elephant, not like Dumbo, not a fake fictional, like who's the most famous elephant?

I'll give you my ones, right? The small elephant from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom that Short Round rode on. Yeah. Who kicked the woman into the water. That was a pretty good elephant. But I would say Tusken Raider elephant number two from the Star Wars franchise.

He had a lot of makeup on but a hell of an actor. Tusken Raider seems like an insensitive name. Tusken Raider? No, no. Tusken Raider. Tusken Raider is the appropriate one. Sand People. Because of elephants, Tusk Raider. No, no. Tusken Raider. Sand People is what Obi-Wan Kenobi

calls him. Yeah, he's all racist. Yeah, yeah. Obi-Wan goes, oh, the fucking Sand People. Don't go in that canyon. The sad people will get you. But I don't think people think of that elephant when they think of elephants, because there was that movie Water for Elephants with whatever's name, Robert Pattinson.

And the movie was about that elephant. Alright, maybe that. Do elephants mind if we ride on them? Because I said no to riding on an elephant a few times in my life. Peter didn't say who he thinks is the most famous elephant. Who do you reckon is the most famous elephant, Peter? You made it hard by saying it's got to be a real elephant.

And the sad fact is it's probably that Angolan one because we're all talking as mature adults that don't think about hunting. But there's a huge market out there that are immature and undeveloped genitals that think that shooting an elephant's great. And they would all be thinking that that's the most amazing elephant that's ever lived and wish that they could have shot it themselves. Are all elephants that grey colour or do you have white ones, like you have white rhinos and stuff like that? The colour, they're pretty much uniformly grey,

like it's a nursing home. No albino elephants? None of them get a blue rinse? There's some. I've actually seen one who was what's called leucistic, just like partial albinism. I can do maths really quickly. Yeah, as it moved, just as the skin folded, it was pink in between.

It was a pretty strange image. I thought you were going to say, I would have fucked it. Give me a letter. Yeah, I think that's what he was saying. So it is okay to ride an elephant. Yeah, so do they mind when you ride on them or are they, like, pissed off? I imagine that they don't really want us to. I don't.

The weight's not a problem. We're much more than a flea landing on their back. But a lot of times it's that little, like, thing. It looks uncomfortable. They put the chair in there so you get two people. Because it became really popular to post pictures on Instagram of you riding an elephant. And then all of a sudden there was a wave of people

commenting on these people's pictures. Like, you fucking serious? You can't do this. This is animal abuse. But everybody always thinks they're going to some like conservation place where the animals are treated really well. But ultimately if they're letting you ride the animals, it's probably not the best place. Yeah. The more you're handling an animal in any of those places, the more likely it's run by the Thai version of Joe Exotic. Gotcha.

I'm just visualizing that now. That'd be amazing. The Thai version of Joe Exotic. The mullet. That would be amazing. The mullet. Wood watch. I eat pad thai. I like penang curry. And I'm as gay as a $3 whatever my currency is.

Bots. Bots. Bots. Gay as a $3 bot bill. Are elephants the largest living land animal? We just talked about the weight. Yep. Okay. Is there any other natural predators against an elephant apart from humans?

We'll get in there. I know, but I was waiting for this answer. Yeah, typically they're pretty safe. But sometimes if that baby gets isolated and hyenas, they'll take it out, but they won't do it if it's with a turd. And there's been a few times and a few places where lion prides have got what they call prey specific where all they do is hunt elephants. Oh, wow.

It's kind of like a gang that specialises in carjacking armoured cars. It's a big risk, but it's a big return. Like the wrath of man. And do people in other countries eat elephant meat? Because often game hunters go, and then I gave the lion to the village and they used the fur and they used the meat and they used the this and they used the bones for whatever. Do people eat elephants?

No. I mean, historically there have been some tribes that have hunted elephants on occasion, but very few of them. Again, it's like, well, there's that thing that looks at me hard and I get squashed. Or there's just a shit ton of antelopes. And yeah, they run a bit faster. They don't have as much meat on them, but there's a lot less death involved. And people typically try to stay away from death. Well, I don't want to be morbid, but there's no bones in the tusk, the tusk, the trunk, I assume. You get yourself a nice big baguette and you put the, like that's got to be a nice meaty meal. Am I right?

Yeah, it's full of snot though. Full of snot. Full of snot. Oh, you clean it out. You get it. He just invented a Philly cheesesteak made out of elephant trunk No you clean it out you get it in a bit of water and you suck it up and spit it out until the whole thing's clean from inside

Sorry I don't know why I threw that at Jack Jim says that Jim said he thinks their brains are pretty big because they they'd have that big ass brains because they're very smart and they remember a lot of stuff. The brain is about four to six kilos and I think ours is one point something kilos. It's a much bigger brain than ours.

But there's also there's a scale to take into consideration, which is how big it is in relation to the body yeah and that's something where we do pretty well we've got massive brain compared to body size and elephants is above average but it's not freakily big and it's also you know which parts of the brain are doing what there's a lot of the elephant's brain is about analyzing sound oh they have like they have good ears, right? We can talk about ears. We can get to whatever you want. There's also another body part that we didn't talk about that's freakishly large on an elephant, right?

Penis. I know, but maybe that might have been the dinner party fact and you forgot. Is it? Yeah. Way to go. I didn't know it was the dinner party fact. We said it yesterday.

I didn't know it was the dinner party fact. The horse is throwing things. We said it yesterday. I didn't know it was the dinner party. Forrest is throwing things. You have more than one, I think, anyways, right? No, I hope so. What, they have big dicks? The dinner party fact was they have big dicks? Jim Jeffrey-sized penis. How big is the penis?

The Jim Jeffrey-sized penis. Oh, it's the size of me? It's an extra Jim? Yeah. Yeah, that's why you were way off on this weight. Yeah. You needed to add more Jim. So it's a 210 pounder? I don't know how much it weighs. It's about six foot. It's about six foot? That's what I am. I'm the size of an elephant's dick.

Yeah. That's a good thing to say to women. Do you like me? I'm the size. He said he has he's got the size of an elephant's dick. No, me? I'm the size. He said he has, he's got the size of an elephant's dick. No, I said I am the size

of an elephant's dick. My dick is substantially smaller. You think that's a good thing to say to women? I'm married. I can say whatever I want now. Oh, sure,

yeah. I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, one of the privileges of being married, you just stop thinking about the opposite sex. It's like,

I just think about my wife, I just stop thinking about her. I just block my brain off from that bit of my brain. So now when I'm in like customer service and some hot chick tries to cut in line, like, excuse me, I've just got to get this thing. When I was dumb and not married, I was like this, you can go before me. Now I'm just like, fuck off. It's a wonderful privilege being able to tell the hot'm just like, fuck off. It's a wonderful privilege being able to tell the hot people to go, fuck yourself.

I have hot people reaching out to me for tickets in Australia like, oh, I missed out on tickets. I'm desperate. And I go, sucks to be you. One of the best feelings ever. Oh, but do they have good memories before we move on? Is that like a myth or is that like

do we know that's actually a fact and there's different ways of measuring it one that's a bit flawed is that they can come back to an area they haven't been in for years because there's some elephants that are really well monitored and some family units are really well known and they'll go straight to a spot where there's water under the ground and dig for it, same place they dug years before and found it. And they don't get that wrong, but maybe they can smell it, maybe there's something else. But a more accurate way is they can actually recognise individual humans

and they know well in places, certain villages they go in and they avoid certain people because they know that's a guy with a shotgun. Oh, wow. I can't notice individual elephants, so they're smarter than us. There you go. Yeah, fucking hell. And so when they say they never forget, that's just a saying and they never forget.

So that's pretty much true because I remember me and my brother used to tease my mother. My mother was an overweight lady and then whenever she used to say, I never forget anything you boys do, we'd go, elephants never do. And then we'd go, oh, we'd run away. Oh, God, we were fun kids. The ears. So Jim said that they use them to hear, obviously,

but also to get stuff away from them, dust or bugs or whatever. And flying, if Disney has taught me anything. Yeah, the flying bit. Everything Disney's told you is true. But no, the hearing, obviously, but the ear flaps have got a thing. They can use it. When you say shaking the dust off, they can be used for dramatic effect. You'll often see them, and you can pick them when it's coming,

they start standing taller. Then they give a big ear flap and dust goes everywhere, mud if they've got mud on them. I saw one of them do Macbeth once and it was a lot of ear work. Yeah. To be or not to be, flappity, flappity, flappity. I'm like, hey, he's a fucking hell of an actor. Very dramatic.

That'd be the most famous one yeah also I was like didn't forget any of his lines always do his marks yeah the other

function is they're like a car's radiator so they're as big as they are and they're again about six foot

tall and they've got veins close to the surface so as they flap it cools the blood and that blood is then directed around the brain before returning to the heart so it can cool the brain the brain is the most important organ to keep cool so they can do that they've even seen in the old days when guys used to hunt one horseback and they'd pursue them and pursue them. Sometimes they would regurgitate water,

suck it out of their mouth and squirt their ears to cool down so they could keep running. Oh, I do that when I'm drunk. I didn't know it was so advanced. I'm like, Oh, there we go.

There's a pie I ate earlier. It helps me keep running. And then, um, anything, any other ways to hear? He said, tusks help them hear fish in the water.

No, no, the trunk. I meant to say the trunk, not the tusks. All right. They put the trunk in, and they're drinking, and then they go, and then it reverberates up through their trunk into their brain hole, and then it goes, oh, that's good. And then they pull the trunk out, and they spray some fucking water on their ears for dramatic effect.

Fucking drama queens, elephants. If I've learned anything from this, fucking elephants, fucking stop giving it all that. Calm down. If you didn't already have a production company named, you should call it Brainhole. Brainhole. How's that?

The trunk? Are they here with the trunk? It's a good switch. As far as I've read or heard, the tusks don't have any auditory function. They're teeth. They're just incisors. But weirder stuff has happened. Hippos can actually hear through their lower jaw, so don't rule it out.

Elephants can hear through their trunk, like you said, but only when it's touching the ground. And they can also hear through their feet And they can also hear through their feet. They can also hear through their feet. Yeah. Right. So like they can hear like a stampede of other animals coming through vibration or they actually hear a sound.

They're hearing the vibrations and they're picking up on that, probably thunder as well. So they can move towards water and definitely each other because they have an entire language. It was only discovered in the 1980s in a zoo actually and it was a modern scientist holding onto a railing and noticing that it vibrated and both elephants, either side of a brick wall that couldn't see each other, would react with the vibration and it was them talking to each other.

Wow. So when elephants are arguing with each other and then they get into that childish bit where I'm not even going to listen to you, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, they roll onto their back and put their feet in the air? It would be a start. They'd have to put their feet in their ears as well. Yeah, they flip their ears off.

They put their trunk into their mouth, so that's a fucking thing. They put their feet in the air like, I'm deaf. I can't hear you. And then they just put their headphones on. This is good for your foot detective movie. Yeah, what do you call an elephant with no legs? Deaf. Can't even sign language, the poor bastard. Well, they can.

Very limited words. I always see elephants painting. Do they like to do that? Every time you see some show, there's always some show where they've given an elephant a paintbrush, a bit of paint, and a bit of canvas, and then they try to sell it off to some special artist. I've seen that stunt done

in several different reality shows. Do they like painting? Do they have artistic endeavors? Or is it just that they're swishing a thing around? Because they do seem to change color and change brush and all that type of stuff. What I'm saying is, can they do really good art? Those are just the ones who didn't go to law school. Yeah, they got pretty shit eyesight.

And also, if you consider where the eyes are positioned on the head, I'm not sure they can see the canvas as they're doing what they're doing. So I think there's probably a lot of prompting in that. You probably don't want to see how they're trained to do that. Right, right, right. So they've got bad eyesight. That's interesting to me. Do they seem black and white?

How far can they see? Is everything just blurry? And how can they remember the faces of these people with the guns if their eyesight's so bad? Or is it a smell thing? Or what is that? It's smell and it's voices. So they've even proven now, and I'm afraid I'm trampling all over your questions here, Forrest.

No, it doesn't matter. We keep track of it. They've shown that somewhere like the Maasai Mara, where you've got people that live inside the National Park or Reserve System, that an elephant can tell if it's a tourist speaking or a Maasai speaking, and they avoid the Maasai. They'll change course to go around them because the Maasai don't want the elephant and their cattle intermingling

because the elephants can injure their cattle if they're trying to drink the same water. So they know when someone's speaking Maasai and move out of their way. Okay, we mentioned the penis. Could I plausibly crawl into an elephant vagina? Only plausibly. How much did you say you weighed? 210 pounds.

I'm six foot tall. I have a large head. Yeah, not as big as an elephant. And if she's given birth at least once, so she's got to be about 17 or 18 years old. Oh, yeah. All good. Yeah, she's got to be

18. She's got to be 18. They don't want to meet soon. You're making me do mathematics. She'd be sleeping. What does a baby elephant weigh when it's born. She'd be sleeping. What does a baby elephant weigh when it's born? She'd be sleeping. I'm not going to do it.

I'm just saying, is it plausible that I could do it? Is that checking the Brothers Grimsley movie? How much does a baby elephant weigh when it's born? About the same as Jim. So about 120 kilos. I'm not 120 kilos. I'm 100 kilos. Yeah, well.

Well, there you are. There's plenty of space for you then. I could get in all day. I reckon an elephant would use me as a dildo. If I'm the same size as an elephant dick, I reckon a female elephant would go, I wouldn't mind sitting on that. And I'd fight to get out and she'd come.

I'm telling you. Yeah. Speaking of that, Jez, how much? Okay, so how much they ejaculate is contentious. So some things say it's just enough to fill a champagne which has been underwhelming. And also you read it. And you said one and a half litres and I've read up to two litres.

I know when I've seen them masturbating that, and I remember once one just coated in acacia. It was more than enough to drown a toddler. Like if they'd been a little kid, one would have knocked them over and then they would. Now, when you say masturbating, I want to see how that works. Does the elephant lay on its back and get its feet and then just sort of go like that, go like that, and then that probably makes a big echo in their head, you know,

because they hear through their feet, their wankies just like that. Yeah. How do they masturbate? Do they just rub up against a fern or? Yeah, they can't go on Pornhub because they can't work a keyboard. It's a pretty simple thing. We just call it thwack. Right.

Where they get out, you know, they think of Monica Bellucci or whatever works for them, and then they just start whacking it. It's very muscular. They start whacking. They just do the same thing. Against their own body. Yeah. You see, sometimes they walk, and I mentioned the acacia bushes.

Those things have got thorns on them. And they just drag it over the top. It's like, oh, really? I'm amazed they can't use porn to have the poor things. No wonder they're dying out. You know what they should do is they should get another smaller animal, pick it up with their trunk, and use that like a flashlight kind of thing. Like a furry

animal. You get like an antelope and then they take that thing and they just rub the antelope on their penis. I'm going to make a porno magazine for elephants to use. And the porno magazine's going to be called Tusks and Trunks.

Tusks and Trunks. Ooh, look at the butthead on her called Tusks and Trunks. Tusks and Trunks. Ooh, look at the butthead on her. Tusks and Trunks. Now that we've been talking about reproduction, how long is an elephant pregnancy? Jim said 13 months. More than that. It's the longest of any animal, longer than the blue whale even.

It's 22 months. This is the one. No wonder the husband leaves and goes walking off. I'll tell you what, that's got to be fucking annoying. There's only so many times you can go, you're being very reasonable. 22 months. Wow. Love you, honey, if you're listening.

We're doing great. A few months left. And they only birth one at a time, correct? Twins have been recorded. It's rarer than it is humans um and yeah they've got two boobs and and they i mean i don't think we were recording at this point we're talking about different words for boobs they've got boobs rather than udders they're pectoral they're up here on the chest so they're between the front legs not the back and when i when the mother's lactating they get

a really nice set of knockers oh Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd get me trunk and put it between them and rub it up and down. Trunky fuck. Yep. That's in the magazine for sure. Yeah, a chunky titty fuck, yeah, all day. It's the same as the old manatees for us because they were also related way, way back.

I know that, yeah. I was saving that for the manatee episode. Thanks a lot, Peter. I was right about the dassey, the dassey yeah yeah see i knew something when you talk about them being related it's you know we share 98.2 percent of our dna with the bonobo pygmy chimpanzee and And we shared an ancestor relatively recently, if you're talking geological areas. The elephant and the daccy probably shared an ancestor further back

than dogs and bears did. So it's way, way, way, way, way back. Oh, they're not that well-related at all then at all. Well, you know, they've got little boobies. Yeah, tell me. Keep going back to South Africa. Get myself a Dassy, tit-fuck the thing. You can't be over there.

They've got a very high HIV rate. I'm just being safe. How old do elephants live to be? Jim said 100. He said they're around the same age as us. Yeah, about 60 to 70. In the wild, that is. And in a zoo, much the same, just the same thing takes them out.

They used to live a shorter distance back in the 1930s and stuff like that. All the whiskey. All the drinking. Yeah, the whiskey and the smokes. Okay, I'm looking at all the questions. Okay. Oh, cancer. So Jim said anything with bones can get cancer.

I don't know if that's... Yeah, and you're right as far as I know. But what's remarkable with elephants is that they can and they do get cancer, but then they cure it. How do they cure it? We should learn from the elephant. What do they do? Yeah, and we only just started looking.

I mean, it's insane. They just first noticed. Maybe it's fucking Burberry bushes or whatever the fuck they put their dicks in? Yeah, and we only just started looking. I mean, it's insane. They just first noticed. Maybe it's fucking Burberry bushes or whatever the fuck they put their dicks in. Yeah, yeah. The whackin'. Yeah, the whackin'. The whackin' cures the cancer. It's all the fleshlighting of antelopes.

I had just released that from my brain. Now it's back. How is that worse than an elephant sitting on me and using me as a dildo? That one grossed you out less. It was just hearing an animal be called a flashlight that was unsettling. I wasn't ready for it. All right, so how do – let's get back to elephants and cancer. So do they know how that happens or it's just unknown right now?

That's why you always see those elephants with bandanas on their head. Oh, he's going through a bit of a time at the moment. So we've known since the 60s that they don't die from cancer, and most big animals don't seem to at all, which is weird. If you consider how many cells, how many gyms are in an elephant, how many cells there are, their cancer rate should be through the roof and all the cell divisions. how many cells there are.

Their cancer rate should be through the roof and not the cell divisions. And only in 2017, I think it was, a year or so either side, a guy in Salt Lake City, a pediatric oncologist, took blood from an elephant and found these proteins. It's called P53. We've got two types, and we know they fight tumors. And our immune system doesn't, but this protein does. and the elephant's got more than 30 types of that. Then off the back of that, someone somewhere in New Mexico

found that they're fighting leukemia completely effectively, and they've probably got a bunch of different ways. We're only just looking at it now, and it's because they're hard to wrangle, but we can synthesize it. We can turn this to humans. All of these species, every time we lose a species, we're actually killing ourselves. And there's these things, 3.2 billion years of evolution

has gone into an elephant and it's gone into the weeds growing in your yard. Everything's got a trick to survive because survival's bloody hard. And so you're saying that we're going to use elephant blood or something and synthesize it and maybe cure cancer in humans? Is this a possibility? Yeah.

Certain types of cancers, without a doubt. You know, if it comes from smoking, probably our fault. I don't think elephants have evolved anything to tackle smoking-related issues. Right. Damn it. But actually, I think lung cancer is one of the ones that's been shown effective in a Petri dish. So it's something where.

Back on the six. They obviously smoke a cigarette after the flashlight. Come on. Don't light up when you're inside her. And so they never die from cancer. That must be a fun thing for them. They're just like this. Hey, guys, I got cancer.

Week off work. Don't have to be doing that forestry thing. Whatever they would need in order to synthesize for humans, that wouldn't affect their life, right? It would be pulling blood or platelets or something like that. So that's good. I'll tell you, we never had an elephant flu. Never had one.

It's always those pesky birds and bats, always winged animals and pigs and cows and all those. The elephants have never bothered us. Give me one time in history an elephant's been a pain in the ass. Never happened. Wonderful animals. Let's see jump

can they jump I'm trying to see because we've jumped around on the questions here no they don't really have much need to

and I feel sorry for the ground if they did yeah just a little bit of air like a millimeter of air as they skip because they have to get

over a log or something get over that yeah they step they step over it rather than jump over it. Because of the immense weight, the way that their legs, they've got really column-like legs,

and they're just not structured for jumping. Was I correct in saying they're great swimmers? Yeah. They love swimming. And elegant swimmers. Say that again? Elegant swimmers. They're really beautiful when you see them swimming.

Oh. There you go. You should see one of them do backstroke. Lovely. No good at the butterfly. We've answered almost all the questions here. One of them was, are they self-aware? And Jim said, yeah, I think they know they're elephants.

Yeah, that's what self-aware means. I don't know if that's the question I was going, but, I mean, maybe. I mean, that's a good way to answer it, but I know we were talking about this yesterday, Peter. Yeah, so the self-awareness test that's a fairly standard one used with a lot of species is without them noticing it, you put a spot or you paint a cross on the forehead of an animal. And then you show it a mirror. animal and then you show it a mirror. So you've got this little red dot on a monkey's face and it sees itself in a mirror and it reacts with hostility.

It's seeing another monkey and it shows the threat display. It's like, oh, I'm not sure about you Hindus. And then with an elephant, they put a cross on it and it walks up to the mirror and straightaway started rubbing to get the cross off. It knows that's itself. Chimps do the same thing. Chimps, the moment they see themselves in the mirror, they go, oh, you put that there. Well, I sometimes, when I eat food in the morning, it's on my face right up until dinner and no one tells me.

I'd like to be more self-aware. The elephant graveyard. All right. I've heard Jim talk about this when we were in the writers room before, and he says they go back to where they were born to die. Is this true or is it a myth? Kind of halfway there. A lot of these old myths, there's some basis in fact,

but I've never heard that they go back to where they were born. But what happens is the elephants, they get six sets of teeth through their life, you know, we get the two. As the last set is wearing down that rough bark and twigs and things they've been eating just gets harder and harder to eat. And again, you know, old age home for elephants, particularly the males, will be a riverbed where you get a lot of soft vegetation,

papyrus and reeds, and they chew away on that. And they get their belly full, but there's not enough nutrients. So actually, you hear they die of hunger. It's not that they've got a full belly. They die of malnutrition. But because they're the big old elephant, they've got the biggest ivory. So the early ivory hunters were actually the ivory collectors, and they were just finding massive pieces of ivory in the old riverbeds,

probably telling stories about how they shot this massive elephant. But so it's based somewhat in fact. There's not a place they go to to die unless you want to call, this is Florida. Is there an argument that ivory would be okay if we just wait until the animal dies of old age? Sure. Yeah. All right.

Well, that's my new ivory plan, everyone. If you get a certificate, we'll go, this one was really old, fucking died, ivory up. If you don't get a certificate, no ivory for you. Okay. Well, you got the graveyard thing now, right? So it's not really where they were born, but they find a lot of the bones in the same area

because when they're older, they go to the- They all go to the nursing home of elephants. All right. Wow. Where they listen to the old songs and stuff like that and they reminisce about the things that were familiar to them. All right. So poaching- My uncle was in the circus. I think we covered all the questions that were familiar to him. All right. So poaching.

My uncle was in the circus. I think we covered all the questions here. There's a lot of stuff. Dinner party facts. We're going to talk about the penis. Do you have anything else for us? Dinner party facts for our listeners? You know,

nobody knows why this is true of them or us, but we're the only two animals with a chin. With a chin. What? There's got to be. No, there's other animals with chins. Dog doesn't with a chin. With a chin. What? There's got to be. No. There's other animals with chins. The dog doesn't have a chin.

The cat doesn't have a chin. The dog has a chin. No. That's the bottom bit. No, it's a snout comes out. Yeah, that's like underneath his. Yeah, but it's still the bottom of the bottom bit of their mouth. It's not like bottom lip though.

The elephant has their mouth up here. Monkeys have chins. This is the part of the dog. You're thinking, they don't have the chin. What about monkeys' chins? Monkeys have chins? They don't. The door goes straight back. We've got quite a pronounced chin and it might be sexual signaling, but both genders have it. It's the same in elephants. Well, that's blown my fucking mind. I thought everything had a chin except for me back in the day.

I got the lipo underneath there to make it look more defined. I have a few now. Well, uh, Peter Allison, thank you for being on here. The podcast is called deep in the bush. Make sure to check that out.

And then also naturalallselectionfoundation.org. We'll put a link to that. Go to that. And that is, I didn't even ask what that is. It's just like conservation issues. Is that what they're? Yeah, it's broad-based. I mean, one of the things we do with that is help fund, and it sounds crazy, is we're delivering kids to school, but it's through an area that's got one of the highest concentration of elephants in the planet. And these kids have to walk either 8 or 12 kilometres in either direction to get to school.

And just by taking them safely to and from school, we've alleviated a lot of conflict and these people are now more agreeable to elephants. They want to kill them less because they're not harassing their kids. And it funds things like the minivans that do that, the drivers and the maintenance, because it's a pretty rough country out there,

as well as research. We're resurrecting or part of a big program to resurrect the biggest zebra migration on the planet. It's not the Masai Mara. It's in Botswana. Giraffe conservation, a number of things. the biggest zebra migration on the planet. It's not the Masai Mara. It's in Botswana. All right. Giraffe conservation, a number of things. But, yeah, it's a lot of good stuff.

Okay, great. All right. Thanks for being on the podcast, brother. I really appreciate it. I'm going to be speaking to your ex-brother-in-law today, and I'll tell him how you did. I live for his validation, so please. Are you in Sydney at the moment?

No, I'm in a little town in England called Shrewsbury. I'm back to Africa next week. Oh, I was about to invite you to the gigs, but no gigs for you. No worries. That's not going to happen. Thank you. I love elephants. Let's do more animal episodes, man.

I love this shit. Ladies and gentlemen, if you're ever at a party and someone walks up to you and goes, I reckon an elephant's about 15 Jim Jefferies, go, well, I don't know about that, and walk away. Good night, Australia.