I Don't Know About That - Foosball feat. Kelsey Cook

Episode Date: May 2, 2023

The IDKAT crew was no match for Kelsey Cook (@kelseycookcomedy) when it comes to foosball. Jim's new special "High & Dry" is now available on Netflix! Subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/IDKAT for ad free episodes, bonus episodes, and more exclusive perks! Tiers start at just $2! AD: BetterHelp: Visit BetterHelp.com/IDK today to get 10% off your first month.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. It's so easy to get caught up in what everyone else needs of you and never take a moment to think about what you need for yourself. Therapy can give you the tools to find a more balance in your life so you keep supporting others without leaving yourself behind. Find more balance with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash idk today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash IDK. Oh, I think it is. Hey Jude, yesterday, Helter Skelter, Barbie Girl, which one is not a Beatles song? You might find out. I don't know about that. Who did Barbie Girl?

Was that Aqua? Aqua, yeah. Aqua. Yes, that one's not. Wait, how did you know that that quick? Because that's a song that I grew up with. Aqua. I'm a Barbie girl.

I know the song, but I don't know it. I think I've told you guys the story, but the first time I ever heard that song, I was in the car with my mom and I sat out in the car once we were home for hours waiting for it to play again because I only caught the end of it, and I was like, what was that? Okay, Bobby, let's go party. I was the same way with I'm too sexy. Oh, yeah? I can see it.

Yeah, there was a song on The Muppet Show one time that I wanted, so I kept watching muppet show when they played again it was that buffalo springfield song uh for what it's worth yeah yeah stop what's that sound and it but they had all these muppets and they would pop out of these it was really well done and i was like this is gonna be episode where they replay it and they never did it's funny sometimes there's a muuppet version which is your favorite version of a song Leo Sayers you make me feel like dancing

I wanna dance in the night his Muppet version is the best version but it's still him singing it like yeah it's just

yeah it's good he's dancing with Muppets it's the best one I've never even looked up the you know now the internet exists why would I have not looked this up by now yeah it's not the time you're gonna heal your inner child rightets it's the best one I've never even looked up the you know what now the internet exists why would I have not

looked this up by now yeah it's not the time you're going to heal your inner child right now it's not the time we're not going to listen to your whole song oh there it is

yeah can you believe it it came up so that was the thing I think I've told you this before I remember like crying to my mother

because I I was about nine eight or something like that and I was big into pandas for a small bit. I really liked pandas. There was pandas at the Sydney Zoo and all that type of stuff.

And they were going to show the birth of a panda. It's very rare to videotape a birth of a panda. And I set the video, I set the AM, PM wrong. And I remember saying to my mum, I said, I'll never get the chance to ever see it. Oh, no. And now if I want to see a panda being born, I can see fucking 20 different ones.

And the drop of a hat while I'm stopped at a stoplight, I can see panda birth. Yeah. Off I go. I was talking to Adam Kroll. I was on Adam Kroll's podcast. Do you know that we rent the pandas, that the Chinese always own the pandas? That we never own them?

Rent pandas? What do you mean? The Chinese, this is how they fuel their army. In the zoos. And we're not allowed to name them either. So they own the pandas at all times. And we have to pay. It's an immense amount of money over the years.

There's something like 14 pandas in America or something. And we have to pay for the pandas we rent them from the chinese government right and i'm like fuck me if australia started doing that with koalas which we should everyone loves those fucking things right we started renting out our koalas that way that would be good for the economy in australia yeah you should do that yeah you should do that yourself like kangaroos we're never going to be able to rent out a kangaroo. Quokka. You could rent a quokka all day.

Because a quokka, they're so docile. Where are you going to get one? I'd like a quokka in my house. I'd clean up after it and everything. If there was a quokka in my house, I'd be happy as a pig in shit. You need a couple so they're happy friends. The zoo pays an annual fee, usually $500,000 to a million dollars each to keep the pandas oh man yeah it's a lot of money not worth it yeah but the chinese are taking the piss fucking send the pandas back

fuck them i don't want them when do we see one panda you've seen them all i've never had when a cub is born the zoos pay china an extra one-time fee of four hundred thousand dollars even when one's born in amer even want it to be pregnant. Even when one's born in America, and it should be an American citizen, you know, anchor baby at the very least, right? Yeah, sure, yeah. Dual citizen.

Yeah, when it comes in, it's still owned by the Chinese. Get the fuck out of here, China. It's like being in a, what do you call it, the embassies and stuff. I reckon we set the pandas loose and let them mate in the wild, and so we have a bigger panda operation.

Just like that, you know. What do they eat? I think they eat... Bamboo. Bamboo. They like bamboo. So where are we getting... We put some bamboo out in the fields in Oklahoma.

They're just drunk bears. Yeah, yeah. But that's outrageous. Panda fees. Yeah, that's a lot. Why don't you start the... Well, I'm not as in with the Australian government as you would think.

Oh, okay. Like... No, you are. Yeah, no. If I ran, I'd get votes. But... No, I'm not as in with the Australian government as you would think. Oh, okay. Like, yeah, no. If I ran, I'd get votes. But no, I don't. I don't know anyone in Australia. You should run for something. Yeah. You should run for mayor of a small town.

I'm more small town in Australia. You could win mayor of a small town. Really? Like, I get called the lefty fucking. I can't go into a small town. No, but a small town that you know. You look at where your tickets were bought, you find a small town where it's pretty good, you know.

Where you think I could be mayor of Dubbo or something? Yeah, I don't even know what Dubbo is. Dubbo is a medium-sized town. A Dubbo. And then I'll be vice mayor. You appoint me vice mayor. Yeah. And then I'll move there and I'll run the town.

You're running it, but I will be doing it secretly. Okay, my hometown and my father, Roma. I'll go run for mayor of Roma, Queensland. There's a lot of bugs there. Oh, yeah. That's cool. I just come in for events. Just cut a bit of tape.

Roma. Yeah, I'll do the rest. If you're listening at Roma, let us know. This is my play to move Australia. Also, the bears. The bears. There's a lot of talk now. The cat's out of the bag

a little bit we're trying to get him in the Pacific Islands what do you mean the cat's out of the bag well I told you this a long time ago but I never told it publicly

because we were still talking between Perth and Pacific Islands yeah and so I'm going for the Pacific Islands I'll be happy with Perth

because of the vacays yeah well also I'd like to own a small bit of a sporting team where I could go down to, you know, Samoa or Papua New Guinea. Fiji? Yeah, I'd like to get in the back of a van and drive down, wave at everyone. There he is.

Yeah, yeah. Minority owner. Minority owner. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I could call myself a minority for the first time ever. Yeah, okay. Minority owner. owner yeah yeah yeah i could call myself a minority for the first time ever yeah okay minority owner um right very minority it's very hard to say that word huh well you said a lot yeah yeah it's hard it's difficult one try to get minor minority minor minority yeah minor minority miniature minor minority he's a miniature minority majority minority yeah speaking of minority you're in a really white area right now we're currently in vienna and zurich somewhere in between ah

if it's not that white not that white they've got a lot of immigration there now it's not like buddy world war ii hitler's from there, but yeah. Hitler. Yeah, Hitler. I like Vienna. Yeah, Hitler's not running the place now. Yeah. I've got a lot of Hitler material in my recent show, and I will have to do it in Berlin.

And I haven't planned this, but for whatever reason, I'm performing on Hitler's birthday 420, right? In Berlin. In Berlin. Yeah, I'm looking at it right now. So you've already done it. This has already happened. I've only ever done two shows. This is my second show in Berlin in Berlin yeah I'm looking at it right now so you've already done it this has already happened I've only ever done two shows

this is my second show in Berlin second show in my whole life in Berlin and the second one out of 365 days of the year I've chosen Hitler's birthday I haven't chosen it the book has put me there and I go there

and the only reason I know that is because a lot of people have been like looking forward to seeing you on Hitler's birthday I don't know if I'm drawing the right crowd it's also

420. Yeah, they should be like, and also you like weed now. Yeah, I'm going to get stoned in Berlin on Hitler's birthday at 420. It's all going to come together, and then like a bloody vortex is going to open up in front of me like a movie. Let us know how the future is. That venue's awesome. We played there last time.

Remember the one with the ceiling? Oh, I love a roof. No, like this, like that. Yeah, I remember this one. Yeah, it's awesome. We played there last time. Remember the one with the ceiling? Oh, I love a roof. No, like this. Like that. Yeah, I remember this one. Yeah, it's awesome. Oh, that's a good roof. The Tempadrome.

The Tempadrome. The Tempadrome. They were good last time. Yeah, that was good. One of my favorite gigs I've ever done was, I did a gig in Copenhagen, I believe, that I just thought was a belter. I think we did a couple nights there,

but one of the nights was like... Yeah, they were really good. They were really good. I think he was good, and we didn't go there last time, and now you're doing it too. We've already done all these shows. Wonderful, wonderful Copenhagen. We've already been in Helsinki and Copenhagen once this airs. They were great again.

Me and my wife were in the infancy of our relationship when we were in Copenhagen last time, and we were in love and walking around Copenhagen. Still in love. We went to the Tivoli, and it was still cold, and they had one of those swinging chairs. There's a theme park in the middle of the Comi Hang. The spinning chairs that go around like this. And we got up there, we had a double seat. We were holding each other's hands, lovely.

And then it took us way up high. And it was fucking as cold as I've ever been in my life. I was dying. I was like, please let us down. I came off shivering with icicles off my nose and shit. I dropped my phone. So in the Tivoli, so I was taking a picture. I was riding bikesivering with icicles off my nose and shit. I dropped my phone. So in the tivoli, like, so I was taking a picture. Like, I was riding bikes around with Amos.

And then Amos. Also falling in love. You've got a lot of phone problems with Amos. No, no, no. Amos's phone was, he didn't have, like, he didn't have it, like, set up for overseas or whatever. So to get back to our hotel via phone, you had to have on the GPS. He just takes off ahead of me. I'm like, all right, well, good luck getting back to the hotel via phone you had to have on the gps he just takes off ahead of me i'm like all right well good luck getting back to the hotel you don't know so then i just stopped and i went to take a picture of something in the tivoli gardens which is like i guess walt

disney right it was yeah it was it's all the all the disney right in the center of coban hangar and i was like putting it through the gate the thing and i went and it fell inside the so i had to pay like whatever it is 30 to30 to get in there or something. No, no, no, no, but it was way far in the thing. So I just started yelling at people, hey. But it's also another country. So people are not speaking any language. There's nothing like a loud American yelling at you

through a fence. My phone is, phone. Phone, hear me. Finally, someone gave it to me. It took about 40 minutes. I was like, should I just pay the money? Did you make it back home okay? Yeah, you see him. He's alive. You see him.

No, Amos. Oh, no, Amos died. I got back to the hotel that has a king bed with two twins. That's the only thing I don't like about the Norwegian. Oh, they just push two beds together? They're like, oh, it's a king bed. And then you get there and it's two little matches. It's two twins that's the only thing i don't like about the norwegian oh they just push two beds they're like oh it's a king bed and then you get there it's two little matches i went on a contiki tour where it's just like you pay and they take you to all these different places in europe and you get drunk and everyone's under 27 so you're all like really like this new

zealanders australians americans and stuff you're all on a bus together going from city to city and you're getting wasted the whole time fun times but it's like you would have to share a room for the price you're paying with a stranger. If you weren't going with someone else I was going by myself. And then you're like

that's no problem. A couple of beds. No, they put you on one of those beds and this is a double. It's just a split. It's not even a gap. It's not even a gap.

I went to the Germany World Cup 2006 with my dad and I had to sleep next to my father like that on these twin rooms with my dad just washing his underwear in the sink every day. That's right. He only thinks of one pair, right? He took two outfits.

He was with us for months. Two outfits. He wears an outfit, washes an outfit. He has one outfit drying. The other one he's wearing. He always smells good. He doesn't waste his time with decision fatigue. All he has is a little the other one he's wearing he always smells good he doesn't waste his time with decision fatigue

all he has is a little backpack and it's out for months no problem that's the JJ Whitehead yeah no problem no problem

I yeah it's admirable like when I'm on the road in Britain just then I ran out of socks I had to buy

like 20 new pairs of socks to last me until the end of the thing and then my bag was filled with smelly socks it makes everything else smell follow us on Instagram idcatpodcast

and on Patreon subscribe to us it's Patreon something how do you not remember I don't know try it idcatpatreon patreon.com

slash idcat there you go go to jimjeffries.com because we've got a whole lot of North American dates as well. And some of the cities have sold out. Many of the ones in Canada. And so we've added another one. And we might be adding a couple more to the American dates as well that are close to selling out.

But we might not. So get your tickets. Get on there. And yeah, do that. And then... It's wonderful. Everyone's coming back out it's taken this long

for numbers to pick up with live audiences since COVID like where everyone's just like we're back yeah people are it's taken this long I'm telling you

I know you don't have to tell me yeah I'm not convinced tell them Jim your band's only been around since COVID you can't judge

your ticket sales yeah these COVID numbers yeah yeah you're like if it wasn't for COVID, the Doohickeys would be selling out arenas. A label would answer my phone calls. Yeah, I've

heard a lot of good things about the Doohickeys. Doohickeys have been entering competition. I've seen them. I've had them open for me. The Doohickeys. He's got another show next. I'm not afraid of the Doohickeys. Two weeks ago at this point. Yeah, that was great. It wasn't there. Amos went He's got another show next week. I'm not afraid of the Doohickeys. They had two weeks ago at this point. That was great. Wasn't there.

Amos went to see the Doohickeys. I was shocked by that when I saw his Instagram stories. He didn't get a phone thrown at him or nothing. It's good. I went and saw him. I saw you guys at the Escondid. Yeah, you saw me downtown. Beyond County.

Fun gig. I saw you at that one place, and I'm going to your show next week. Hell yeah. Support the Doohickeys. Tommy Caprio's coming in town tickets on sale at doohickeys.org I go to every show but I don't want Jack

to get nervous you want disguise so I come in a trench coat and a fedora with a fake mustache and I just I just look like two kids on each other's shoulders

I've noticed you I sort of waddle in like that woohoo that's how you do it woohoo occasionally a small child just opens up the trench coat and sticks his face out near me I've noticed you. I sort of waddle in like that. Woo-hoo! That's how you do it. Woo-hoo! Occasionally, a small child just opens up the trench coat and sticks his face out near me.

Just to give the effect. That's a good one. Yeah, yeah. You're really going to sell it. Yeah, yeah. Who's the kid? It's mine. It's Hank.

Don't find one up the street. It's not weird or nothing. It's a good way to get Hank into a bar and for me to look like I'm disguised as two children. That's good. And spend quality time. Yeah, and quality time. Get in the trench coat.

Yeah. All right, Dad. Please welcome our guest today, Kelsey Cook. Hello, Kelsey. Now it's time to play. Yes, no. Yes, no. Yes, no.

Judging a book by its cover. Cover. All right. All right. What's Kelsey here to talk about? We have Kelsey Cook here. I know Kelsey. And! All right. That's Kelsey here. We have Kelsey Cook here. I know Kelsey, and I think I can guess this right away. Just from the background, there seems to be an air conditioning vent,

so I'm going to say that it's foosball, table football, table soccer, what do we call it? What's its official name? I think foosball, right, Kelsey? Foosball, yeah. People hear me say it with that S sound, and people think that they're mispronouncing it if they say foosball, more with a Z.

But you can technically say it either way. There's not a wrong way between those two. Is it called foosball all around the world? Because I feel like it was called table football in England, or table soccer, or whiff-waff. Was it not called whiff-waff? Yeah, table soccer. Wasn't that football? In France Was it not called whiff-waff? Yeah, table soccer. Wasn't that baby foot?

In France, it's called baby foot. Which I love. Because they all look like baby's foots. Yeah, I like that. Yeah, uh-huh. Yeah. In Mexico, it's called stillborns. Oh, pfft.

Okay. L stillborns, I know. Oh, yeah, yeah. You know the language. Well, it's L or La. Dep language depends it's a boy or girl so um no i i think the little tiny i won't call them little men i think they are them they and days i think they're they're non-gender they're non-binary yeah they don't have faces definitely yeah very progressive very progressive i don't like the red team because, you know,

having problems with China at the moment. So I try to stick away from that one. Well, let me tell everybody listening, if they don't know who Kelsey Cook is already, she is a comedian and her special The Hustler is available on YouTube right now. As of this taping, I think you have like 917,000 views. So get over there, watch it.

Let's get it to a million i think yeah um yeah i was watching this super funny and that's awesome too like you're doing that's standing numbers and then uh thank you thanks she is also the co-host of the self i'm sorry self helpless podcast and she's on tour right now and you can get tickets at kelseycook.com and you can find all of her socials on there. I think it's Kelsey cook comedy on Instagram and Kelsey cook on Twitter and so forth. So thanks for being here. How, I mean, for people that don't know how, or how do you know about foosball?

How are you an expert in foosball? Like let us a little background. Yeah. So my parents met playing in a professional foosball tournament in the eighties. So my parents met playing in a professional foosball tournament in the 80s. Tale as old as time. Tale as old as time. I literally would not exist if it weren't for foosball, which is very sad.

But that is the foundation of my life. A lot of children don't exist because of foosball. So they started training me when i was two years old and uh they would have me stand on a stool so i could be tall enough to see the top of the table and then they'd put their hands on my hands and train me and um then my parents got divorced a few years later because foosball is not a strong foundation for a marriage but they continued to train me and so yeah my whole family and i are actually uh world champion foosball players world champion wow is that that's such an epic life story like i feel like there's a movie or at least a documentary a hundred percent this podcast yes so yeah so a documentary called foosballers came out about three years ago and

they aired it on espn and it's it's really great it's uh you can buy it on apple i believe but yeah it's a really well done documentary but you're in that documentary or your parents are yeah yeah i'm in it my mom's in it it's a really great documentary they follow some of the top players in the world on their year-long journey to the world championships and oh my god i know i'm biased obviously because it's it's foosball but i do think people if you are interested in learning more about it it's such a great way to do it well i i looked at your bio before and i i've known you for a while obviously but uh but i looked at your bio and it said one of your parents is a yo-yo champion, too? Yeah, I mean, it's just a bunch of circus nonsense.

Horrible. Did you not have a TV growing up? Just weird, carny shit, but yeah, my dad, he's, my dad is a slam poetry champion and an international yo-yo man. Yeah, he plays trumpet for a living it's just this weird no wonder your parents got divorced with all those women chasing your dad

too many opportunities yeah so they were very uh you know generally pretty supportive of me starting comedy because i think they couldn't judge me choosing a weird life path it's like well what the fuck and you're having to be a doctor after watching you guys do this it's like this is what i assume people do it's just weird uh circus stuff i feel like the yo-yo is primed to come because it's sort of every decade it has a little six month period where everyone goes crazy for the yo-yo. And you show up at school. It was a Simpsons episode. You show up at school and everyone's got a yo-yo.

I went through two phases of yo-yo. And I feel like it's been a good 15 years since we've had a yo-yo thing. It's coming back. Yeah. There'll probably be a yo-yo trick person on TikTok. But you want like... Yes. What they did with yo-yos is they got the technology too good.

They put the springs in so it goes straight up. They made them thicker so they weigh in. You want the original Coca-Cola or Fanta ones that were just the slightly slimmer ones. They're the ones that you can do

the real trick. I can rock the cradle. I can walk a dog. I can't do anything. And I can do a spin. But that's all. But I start to lose all the blood

to my fingers. You could try the Diabolo yo-yo. The one with the string no i'm not bloody doing that i'm not some guy on venice beach impressed 20 year old girls or something i don't need to do it yeah well you know everyone's got an angle right yeah whether it be slam poetry yo-yos foosball you. You've got to play to your strengths. There was a yo-yo guy.

His name was Kay Stras. You ever seen that guy? Did I show it to you? I don't know. Keep going. But he was, I don't know if you saw this, Kelsey. He's a comedian. He's actually, he was in like a season of Better Call Saul too.

He's an actor. But he dressed up in like these kind of like leader hos in and stuff. And he went on morning radio in like the Midwest or morning TV and said he he does environmental education through yo-yos and he would go on there his name's Kevin

something K-Stress K-Stress if you put K-Stress yo-yo guy you can see all the videos and all these people thought he was real and he just

every time he starts doing a trick it like it flies off or hits him in the head and he says all this inappropriate shit about like

how you should raise your children and stuff and he got he got on like five or six morning shows in the Midwest until people were like, hey, you shouldn't book this guy. Like he's like, oh, my God. Incredible. So, wow. Yeah.

I should tell my dad to go do that shit. That'd be great. All right. So here's what we're going to do. I'm going to ask Jim some questions about foosball. And then you're going to listen to his answers, Kelsey. And when he's done, you know, saying what he knows about foosball, then you're're gonna listen to his answers kelsey and when he's done uh you know saying what he knows about foosball then you're gonna grade him zero through ten ten is the most

accurate and kelly here is gonna grade him on confidence zero through ten i'm gonna grade him on etc we'll add those scores all together and if you score 20 or 30 jim you're a foo fighters ball uh-huh you get where this is going all right 11 through 20 thanks for everything to Wong Fu Ball yeah yeah that was a good movie someone's been up late not working I did it this morning

yeah because last episode I really didn't no you were I was 0 through 10 what a Fu believes ball do you know

what a Fu's believes yeah it's Michael McDonald no I don't know well that's who you're gonna be alright that was fun Jim in what country was foosball invented? Because it has a foreign-sounding name, I'm going to give it to Italy.

Italy, okay. Yeah, the Italians like soccer. The Italians also foosball. Okay. What year was the first patent for foosball granted? Oh, I'd say 1927. It's a year I always throw out. Yeah, sure.

There was a popular band of Australia in the 80s called 1927, and that's why I always throw it out. Oh, wow. You did say that the other day. Yeah. What is the maximum number of players on a foosball table? I think this means actual humans, though. Oh, four.

Yeah, right? Isn't that what we're asking? Or are you talking the little men? Oh, I feel like it's a better question to ask how many men are on the football. Yeah, yeah. How many of the little... Well, see, sometimes you see those dodgy ones where they've got like a goalkeeper and then they've got two blokes next to him.

Fuck those ones. What you need is the table that has the little ridges in the corner so the ball rolls back. There's nothing worse than getting stuck and then you bang, bang, bang. So I'm going to go 1, 3, 4, 2. That's 10. I'm going to say 20. 20, okay.

How many rods are typically on a foosball table? Eight. Eight. How many players are on each rod in on a foosball table? Eight. Eight. How many players are on each rod in a standard foosball? I guess this is what you were just saying. Yeah, yeah. So you'd have all four of your rods. Yeah.

Or you'd do two rods. What is the name of the move? Whether you're playing doubles or singles. What is the name of the move where the man is spun around a ball before being shot? You're not meant to spin. You're not meant to spin them like that. You're not meant to go. I don't know. You're not meant to spin. You're not meant to spin them like that. You're not meant to go... I don't know.

You're not meant to... Illegal. Okay. So the move doesn't have a name though? So it's illegal? Bicycle kick. Okay. What is the name of the move

where the ball is flicked into the air before being shot? Whoa. I didn't even know that you could do that. This is silly now. There's no one can do that. I'm sure Kelsey can. This is the thing with things like this. So I've got a mate who's

a competitive ping pong player, or whiff-waff, or whatever you want to call it. And so he gets really upset when he meets people who go, oh yeah, I'm good at ping pong, right? And he always goes, yeah, what type of bat do you use? What type of ball?

What type of skins do you have on you? And I'm like, cut it out. The guy means he beats his brothers in the garage. That's what he means. He's the best in his family. He's not anything competitively. So I think I'm a reasonable foosball player, but obviously I would get my ass kicked by Kelsey.

But like pinball, I'm a better thanosball player, but obviously I would get my ass kicked by Kelsey. But like pinball, I'm a better than average pinball player. I'm a top 10 percenter in pinball, but I'm not a top one percenter. Yep. Took your high score off the Munsters. Yeah, but fucking hell.

What is the name? I'll take that machine back tomorrow if you keep bragging. It's important. What is the name of the move where the ball is, I don't know if you're going to know any of these, if you're just going to say you can't do these. We didn't answer the last one, right. It's important. What is the name of the move where the ball is, I don't know if you're going to know any of these, if you're just going to say

you can't do these. We didn't answer the last one, right? It's impossible. Kickflip. He's good at pinball. Kickflip. What is the name of the move where the ball is banked

off the corner of the table before being shot? Oh, one, two. One, two? Yeah. What is the name of the move where the ball is passed between players on the same rod?

You know, when you're dribbling? It's passing. There's a move. There's a name, I'm assuming. Butt shuffle. Butt shuffle. I like butt shuffle. What is the name of the move where the ball is shot directly from the goalie position into the opponent's goal?

Hail Mary. Okay. What is the name of the international organization that governs foosball competitions? Oh, Fooza, like FIFA. Yeah. It should be that if it's not. Yeah, Fooza. Wait, so Fooz-fa?

Yeah, Fooz-fa. Fooz-fa. Fooz-fa. Okay. What does that stand for? Foosball Federation Association. Yeah, that makes sense. Federation Association. What is the name of the largest foosball federation association yeah that makes sense federation association what is the name of the largest foosball tournament in the world uh the world cup of foosball the world cup

what cup and who is considered the greatest foosball player of all time kelsey cook you're not even gonna say one of the parents. Bloody, that guy's focusing too much on his poetry and not enough on his fucking email. I don't think he's much, Chuck. What is the name of the 1994 comedy movie that featured foosballs and major plot point? The 19 what? I don't know.

1994 comedy movie that featured foosballs and major plot point. The little known Porky's Four. And you spin it around and then a top fell off you know what I mean that's all those movies you can't make those movies anymore yeah they're all shot in South Florida

a lot of them were shot in South Florida well it's just like it's just like we didn't have internet porn like now you don't need it because you can just see boobs whatever you want

but there was a hunger back when I was a child this movie has tits four times you're like I'm in I'll watch the whole thing what is the name of the video game series that features foosball as a mini game uh fifa okay yeah he's thinking it was uh called duty i'll go fifa oh i'll go no i tell you what i'll go i'll go um

fever oh i'll go no i tell you what i'll go i'll go um um grand theft auto grand theft auto this show is sponsored by better help it's easy to get caught up in what everyone else needs from you and never take a moment to think about what you need for yourself but when you spend all the time giving it can leave us feeling stretched thin and burnt out therapy can give you the tools to find a more balance in your life. So you can keep supporting others without leaving yourself behind. If you've benefited from therapy, feel free to share your experience. That would be me. I take therapy all the time.

I'm on therapy now. Not this exact moment. I'm reading an ad break. I had to break my therapy session to do this. I'm feeling like I'm spiraling into turmoil as we speak. But I've always found therapy has helped me. I'll put it this way. It can't hurt.

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best oh i get a point for knowing what it is that's pretty good yeah the confidence though my god right out the gate so confident with some of those answers i was cracking up there you go how is his confidence i mean very confident in his numbers of players and stuff like that but any of the shots, he wasn't. So middle of the road, I'm going to give him a five. Five, so we got seven. All right, I'll give you a 10 for et cetera. Thanks for everything, 2-1-Fu.

Yeah, yeah. That's the best one. You didn't want to do Confusion? No, I was trying to stay away from anything that sounded, because I had like- You don't have to do the voice. I had Egg-Fu-Young ball in there. Oh, yeah, Egg-Fu-Young.

Yeah, well, maybe I should have. Okay, edit that in. You're going to get invited to National Egg Fu Young Day with me. What is that? How about Kung Fu's Bowl? Yeah, well, I already had like two Wong Fu. Let's move on. All right.

In which country was Fu's Ball invented? Jim says Italy. Technically the UK, but it did i mean i want to give jim credit that it was in europe it did start in europe so all right but when you look online it's okay yeah but they're not even part of europe anymore yeah it's because foos does sound not like i wouldn't have guessed uk because when i was in germany i remember there's a thing where you it was foos does sound not, like I wouldn't have guessed, UK. Because when I was in Germany, I remember there was a thing where it was foos gangen, and it meant like people walking or people feet.

So foos, does foos mean foot? I don't know. I think it would be a good thing in a horror film where a guy just like gets a field and puts rods through people's chests and has to spin them around. That's actually, yeah. That actually is a good idea. Yeah, that would be like a saw type of thing. Just, ah, these floppy legs legs just keep them alive a little bit well edit that out you're gonna

write that yeah you want to steal that i've got lots of other ideas i give that one to the world kelsey kelsey can do it she's got the knowledge um what year was the first patent for a foosball granted was it 1927 i hope it wasn27. Jim was actually very close. I believe it was 1921. It's in the 20s. So, Jim, you were close on that. If you say 1927 enough, eventually you'll get it right. Eventually.

Eventually. Things happen. Yeah. 1921. So the Second World War hasn't started. The First World War has just ended. Britain was a plucky upstart of a country that was like, we've got to rally together.

Germany's economy was in the toilet. Is there... Jim mentioned... It's a different time. Everyone was dancing to the Charleston. Okay. I just need to keep going. You're done. Silent movies were on the rise.

First Chinese restaurant in America in San Francisco what? check that out check that out is Jim okay when he was talking about

those little corner pieces I just thought about this you know with those little ramps in the corner or something is that illegal or is that not like a standard foosball i feel like yeah so those tables with the ramps and the one man on your back rod are more european based so this answer could or this

question could have two possible answers so on a european table or the models where it is the ramped up corners there are 22 men on those tables so then the ones that you can see more in the states where it's three men on the back those would be 26 men on the table i don't agree with that because you've put three men at the back then no players will ever be offside and it's not like legitimate football you don't have defenders just stand back there the whole time all right okay so right right so there's 26 on on the other ones and 22 on the okay i wasn't far i said 20 i just put one together my the one i put together sucks it's like it was a hundred and if i spent 150 on a foosball table that's not a good one right

oh man yeah just put that in an alley somewhere and walk away that's not gonna be an airbnb these things aren't for fun for us it's not a hobby well it's in the airbnb you gotta invest what what does a good one cost 600 bucks about 2500 holy shit i haven't got the good one yeah this one there's one out here in the whatever the studio yeah that was so that was from wrist of fury so that's uh that's the table that we used to play on for my web series and that one that one runs runs a little less expensive maybe closer to like 800 700 and that's a really nice table too oh maybe i'll get one of those instead it's already falling apart i've gotten a lot of messages from the Airbnb people. Your table needs to be tightened. Yeah, it was $140. I knew it was going to fall apart.

Do you do that series anymore? Rissa Fury or no? We're waiting to start it up with a new network because we had to stop with all things comedy. There are just too many things on their plate. There are 25 episodes on YouTube right now.

And you guys should go binge them if you haven't yet. And yeah, I'm very excited to start it up again. And Jim would love to have you on. I'd love to be on it. Has anyone ever beaten you? Mm-mm. No. Anyone come close?

No. Nick Thune was pretty good. But yeah, nobody's won I have such an sorry go ahead do you get nervous you're going to lose to anybody or no you're just so that confident when you're playing dumb comedians I feel pretty confident when I'm playing

comedians because I just have such an unfair advantage I've been playing for 32 years that's just a lot longer than most comics. I mean, most comics have never even actually been bought. It's like when someone else tries to wank me off. They can't do it as fast. I've owned the equipment for too long.

You know the cheat codes. All right. And how many rods are typically on a foosball table? Is it eight? Yes, that's right. Oh, it is. I thought that was wrong. I put one together recently.

I think you have a bad table. Whatever. I think you put together rock them, suck them robots. It's on Airbnb. I'll send you a link. You can see a picture of the table there. It looks good in the picture. The other stuff in the game room is really good.

The pinball machine Jim's taking back there. No, you can keep it. Maybe people can use it as a foosball table. Shove some rods in there. How many players on each rod and a standard foosball set? Yeah, so there's one in the regular, but in three in european is that what you're saying what in the goalkeeper switched oh yeah three in

america one in european oh okay yeah yeah and then you've got two on your right hand of your goalie and then the opponent has three right that they're going to shoot with on their forward and then you've got two five bars so that's what it's called those two rods in the middle where you serve the ball. Those have five men on each of them. And then it mirrors on the other side. And what is the name of the move where the man is spun around, around a ball before being shot? Is it illegal? So I knew what you're saying, Jim, it is true that spinning is illegal, but there's a shot called the rollover shot where you pin the ball and then you put the handle on your wrist and you move it around.

And when you're ready to shoot, you roll up and catch the handle. So the man technically only goes about 330 degrees. It doesn't go past 360 degrees, But you're getting that massive windup. That's one of the hardest shots to defend in terms of power because it's being hit so fast. Yeah. So if it doesn't go 360, it's not illegal then? Yeah.

Right. It has to go past 360. You can spin it the whole way, but you can't go. I mean, I'm terrible at this, so it doesn't matter. I don't have time today, but we'll have a game soon. Oh yeah, I don't have time today either, but next week. We'll put it in the diary, Jack. Then we'll go to Bill's Burgers afterwards.

Yeah, we'll go to Bill's Burgers. We got to get to Bill's before he dies. That hot dog. Yeah, Bill's. What is the name of the move where the ball is flicked into the air before being shot? Jim says, not possible. How do you flick it in the air?

Kickflip, then he said. I'll send you guys a video of me doing one. It's called an aerial shot. So you scoop the ball up with your two back men, and it's sitting up on top of the player's feet, and then you quickly move it on top of the man

and fling your wrist so hard that it catapults it over all the guys into the other goal. What? Yeah, she's not worried about playing other comedians. What the fuck? You're getting it out with two players and stuff like that. I'm only focusing on one handle at a time.

I always keep one handle on the goalkeeper and then I move my arm around the other three like this. I'm just goalkeeper ready. I panic all the time. Yeah, let's send us that video please I want to see that that's all right well yeah how many hours have you played this Kelsey long time long time but I will say nobody really does an aerial shot in a match it's just not a very practical shot but if you want to impress somebody I very practical shot. But if you want to impress somebody, I would, I was going to say,

if you want to get laid, but also it's like, nobody's, nobody's fucking from foosball except my parents. I don't know. I'm wet. I know when I go down to the pinball tournaments that it's, uh,

it's rough down there. Good, good, good people. Yeah. Remember there was some pinball came, game came out and we went to the meltdown on the meltdown. exists remember i forget what game that was yeah it was me and you and transformers or something me and you and a lot of other dudes that might not have showered i i i i

was at one in pittsburgh like a like a world championship type of thing and i was i was doing well i got through the first half of the field and i was playing well. And I think there was some pinball guys there that were in their community quite famous, right? And then I show up and I'm not famous famous, but I'm more famous than in the pinball community. And they were really mean to me. One of the nerds walked past me and just sort of bumped me in the shoulder like out of a high school movie and went,

oh, sorry, I didn't see you. Like that, right? And I'm like, I like getting picked on by pinball you're not royalty in his world yeah yeah it's like you're in my fucking home now you're in my house there's a lot of that shit going on jeez yeah they make me aggressive king of kong that movie they ah the king of kong folk don't want to mess with them yeah they'll fuck you over yeah is there ever been, have you ever been in a pinball tournament,

has there been a big controversy where they're like, that table's rigged, it's on a slight slant. Oh, foosball. Foosball ends up a slight slant or the players are greased up or something like that.

The players are too sexy. It's distracting. My players are on steroids. So they make sure at the major tournaments that the tables are level so they will put an actual level on there because that's a really big problem is if the feet are not all leveled out and you've got a slight roll it can completely fuck over the entire game so that's an important thing people make sure that it's level but other than that you can get called for

jarring which is if you're playing defense so aggressively that you're moving the opponent's ball like if i'm just getting ready to shoot it but you're moving your rod so fast that it shakes the ball that's illegal is there umpires and do they wear the stripy umpire outfits there yeah there are referees sometimes people wear striped shirts most of the time they're just dressed like other players. But yeah, there are actual refs. There are time limits on each rod as well. So if somebody's holding the ball or taking too long to shoot,

then you'll lose the ball that way too. And what's the score first to what? So to five. And it's usually, depending on the event, it'll be best two out of three or best three out of five. So yeah, but it's always to five and it's usually depending on the event, it'll be best two out of three or best three out of five. So yeah, but it's always to five and then it can go over up to eight if you're tied. Okay. What is the name of the move where the ball's banked off the corner of the

table before being shot? The one, two, the one, two. That made me laugh so hard. You said it so fast and confidently. Oh, the one two it's called the bank shot so that one's actually easier to guess than you would think yeah you're an idiot it's a one two

you go one two the one two the one two skiddly doo yeah well yeah cause then I don't know I guess it could be you call it the one two what is the name of the move where the ball is passed guess it could be. You call it the one-two. What is the name of the move where the ball is passed between players on the same route? Is it the butt shuffle? The butt shuffle.

How did you get two on this? How did you get two points? I was close to 1927. Kelsey's very nice. And I've picked a country in Europe. Former Europe, yeah. That's called a tic-tac shot. Tic-tac.

That's the only one I can sort of do. Not really, but I know that it exists. That's what I can do. I've seen it happen before. Everything else that you've already mentioned here, I'm like, can't. That seems impossible to me. If you've got the row of four, like the row of four plays, that's the most on a rod, right?

Four? Five. Five. Five. You've got the row of five. That's where I've got it. I was doing the four at the front. So if you've got the row of five, could you pass from one to five?

Like, could you pass, flip it open, let it roll and over to the other five? Are you that skillful or is that impossible? No, that's totally doable, yeah. It doesn't feel like it's doable. Feels like the other players are getting away. You do it and you flip them up. Yeah, you pass them. You go like that.

I can't do it, but in my brain it's possible. Do you have a player, like you know when you watch like a basketball movie or something and they go like this, they go, Oh, he always goes left. That's his move. Do you have a move that sort of shows your hand a little bit?

Like the crane? Yeah. Like, like, do you have a move that's signature to you or do you have a weakness? What's your weakness? What's your best move? That's a good question.

So my shot is a push shot. And so I like to, like my go-to would be a long push shot. So I'm setting the ball up and I'm pushing and hitting with the same man as far as the ball will go. When you mean pushing, what are you pushing? Like if you're pushing and hitting, do you push it sideways and then snap it, do you? Yeah. So I've got the ball here and this is my man.

So I push and then I go around it and I hit it when I want to shoot. Right, right, right. here and this is my man so i push and then i go around it and i hit it when i want to shoot or i'll shoot a euro pin which i pin the ball with the guy's feet and then when i'm ready to shoot i just circle around and hit it so i i like to go on my right side or i guess the far side so my weakness is coming toward me so my pull side is not as strong as my push side i don't know if this makes sense to anybody listening. There's some foosball guy sitting at home going, I've got her. She's bloody set a weakness. My time has come.

Don't you challenge people at shows too? Like I remember seeing something online. Like is that every show you do? There's a foosball. Is that like in your rider at the clubs you're like a foosball table so i the last year's tour i was almost called the hustler tour because i would tell the joke on stage about my family being champion foosball players and i would say that i used to go to bars know what foosball was and if they were like drunk frat guys hanging out i'd be like oh my god is

this chess like what is this and i would play really terribly the first game and then i would be like oh my god we should play for money like let's put money on the table and of course they felt so confident at that point that they would put a lot of money down and then that's when i would pull out my foosball grip glove and then take all their money away. Yeah, they're like, oh, fuck. Also, who sees like a young girl come in and thinks to themselves, I'm going to take her money. I would go, no, it's all right. How much money did you play for, $100, $50?

What did you go for? Yeah, so by the end of this last tour, I was doing $100 minimum bets because then, I mean, if people were coming to my show, they knew at that point, that I wasn't faking it or pretending like I didn't know how to play. And so then it would just be guys in the crowd who genuinely thought that they could beat me. So they would say in the merch line, like, I'll play you for $100. There's a bar nearby with a foosball table. And so I think one night i made over 300 because if people if people start to pay with their venmo not cash that's a real slippery slope for them because they'll be

pissed i'll be like oh fuck no just let's play one more time and then i start to really get a lot of money from them so that's nice probably 300 right now yeah it's like betting on the apps now for sports like people are like losing a lot of money now that that's become legal. So, yeah, that's great. It's funny because my aunt was really good at, she might still be, I don't see her playing anymore, but pool. And it was like she would do the same thing. She would just show up and be like, like to a bar and be like, pool.

I'll try, give it a whirl. She literally the same thing. And then like by the second or third game, we just start taking people's money. And you come in there like, oh, i'm just a dumb girl and the guys are like all right little lady yeah i once i once yeah i once got had a bet out i think i was near the brayer improv or something like that i had a bet with a guy like uh he's like twisted sister what do you want to do with your life i I want to rock. Remember he said that, right?

And then the song, I want to rock. Run. The guy goes, I love the beginning of that song. I overheard this conversation. I love the beginning of this song. He goes, I said, I want to rock. I said, no, no, no. That's off.

We're not going to take it. You'd think it would be off this song, but it's not. It's off. We're not going to take it. And I said, I'll bet you $100. I'm sure of this. Because I remember that video clip. I bet him the $100. I showed we're not going to take it. And I said, I'll bet you $100. I'm sure of this. Because I remember that video clip. I bet him the $100.

I showed we're not going to take it. I won the money. His mate was like, you've got to pay him. He's like, fuck. And the guy was like, I can't afford this. And I was like, you've got to pay me. That was a bet, man. You took the fucking bet.

Right? A bet's a bet. So the guy paid me. Years later, I found out it's on both video clips. It was like their catchphrase. They did it on both video clips. It was like their catchphrase. They did it on both video clips. So he was actually right. We were both right.

Yeah, you're both right. Wow. Do you want to give him back $100? I don't know who the guy is. The Bray Improv? No, no. It was just a bloke in a bar. I was sitting.

Oh, is that like what the tap house or whatever? The yard house next door, right? And I did this bet and the guy was like you gotta pay him like that I was like I'm 100 bucks well if you're listening

no then everyone will fucking claim if you found it at the time that it was on both would have just neutralized the bet oh yeah of course

yeah yeah but he didn't google his one yeah he didn't do his do do that's on him that's on him

fucking read the fight print yeah you remember when you bet the guy 100 dollars he couldn't take a shit in that bathroom in Boston He didn't do his due diligence. That's on him. He didn't fucking read the fine print. You remember when you bet the guy $100 he couldn't take a shit in that bathroom in Boston? Yeah. That was fun. And he did it, though. No, I don't think he did it.

Okay, so we're in a bar. What's it called? The Taff? The Tam. The Tam. It's near the Wilbur Theater. It's a real little skanky sort of Irish pub. It's a good fun, good fun place, right?

It's always full. We go down to the Tamery now and again. The Tam doesn't even have toilets on the door cubicles, right? They have doors on the... Yeah, they don't have... They have toilets, but no doors. They have toilets, but no doors. They're just sitting there.

And I think you and I were just at the bar. I was like, yeah, there's no door in there if you need to take a shit. Yeah, and I sort of needed to take a shit, but I thought, I'll wait till I get back to my hotel because this doesn't look like a good shitting environment. And I think I commented quite loudly like why the fuck is there no toilet

doors on this thing? I think people had just seen my show, so there's some guy there. And I go, yeah, you'd never take a shit in there with all everyone just... The toilet was packed as well, right, with open doors. And the guy's like this, I would. I go, no, you wouldn't. I go, I bet you $100 you wouldn't. Anyway, the guy sat on the toilet.

We were right next to him. Me, you, his brother, his friend. We were almost touching his legs. That's how close we were to him. The toilet was packed, so other blokes had come in. Some guy's going to take a shit in the tram. This has never happened, right? So the guy gets there.

He puts his cock between his legs, and he's ready to go, and he's ready to push. And then the bartender comes in thinking we're all doing cocaine to kick us out, right? What are you all doing? They've taken the doors off because of the cocaine use in there, right? And he's like, what are you all doing in there? And I said, no, we're not doing cocaine. I'm just paying a man to shit in front of us.

That's like one of those stories where a woman's wondering what her man is doing. Is he cheating on me? He's like, no, he's just woman's wondering what her man is doing is he cheating on me he's like no he's just paying a stranger to shit in front of him yes and I didn't have to pay the money out

because he never got the shit out you had to do it within the regulated time the bartender was like he was so disappointed I see he's like what the fuck

he was hoping we did drugs I was like do some blow have some dignity if we weren't all wanking it wouldn't have looked weird oh my god what a godless animal that he could do that with a crowd

I'm a man of the people Kelsey what is the name of the move where the ball shot directly from the goalie position Oh, Kelsey. Amazing. Oh, what is the name of the move where the ball is shot directly from the goalie position into the opponent's goal? Is it the Hail Mary? Just humiliating. So you can play goalie wars. That's an event at tournaments. And so I don't think that's a technical.

I mean, you could call it a long shot. So Hail Mary. Maybe you got the point there. Hail Mary is not bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hail Mary. We can call it a long shot. So Hail Mary. Maybe you got the pump there. Hail Mary's not bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hail Mary. We can call it a Hail Mary. Are they called men or people or women?

Or what are the little things called? We just call them men. And is there controversy around that? That people don't want them to be called men? I'm being serious. I feel like... No, I don't think... The foosball community is not like the most woke community of people on the planet and also follow-up question if the little men did have tits would that affect the game

there are some foosball tables i've seen where people have made them with actual barbies like they're all barbies instead of foosball men so that's a whole other thing no it doesn't bother us i don't think i'm looking forward to the barbie movie what strange i'm gonna go see it in the cinema you do my wife's very excited she was a big barbie person her friends in it too right her friends in it yes yes uh alexander ship is in it she's one of bar Barbie's mates. What is the name of the international organization that governs foosball competitions? Is it Foosfa?

Foosfa. It is the ITSF, so the International Table Soccer Federation. ITSF community. Yeah, they need to come up with a better one, actually. I'm part of the ITSF community. ITSF. And then what is the name of the ITSF community. ITSF. And then what is the name of the largest foosball tournament in the world?

So Jim actually got this right. It is the World Cup. Of course it's the World Cup. Of course. Yeah, it's the World Cup. I watch it every day. You idiot. Where is it?

Is it in the same place every year? It's in Nantes, France. Where are the best players from? Like the Kenyans are good at running. People are good at different sports. You know what I mean? He's got stuck on that one. Indian kids excel at spelling bees.

Prove me wrong. They do, right? So, well, I think this is about to be one of the questions but the top player in the world right now his name is tony spreaderman and he uh he lives in florida so that's uh that checks out i think i feel like culturally that that fits tony spreaderman yes spreaderman yeah spreaderman great name spread'd be a good name for a drag guy, Antonia Sprederman. Wait, so did you say not? What's the name of the place?

Not France? Non? Non, N-A-N-T-E-S. Oh, that's like a weird place. Why is it there? It seems random. France? Well, the French love football. They win the World

Cup on the regular. I don't know. Thierry Henry would probably come down there and give it a flip. Some prejudice against the French, I guess. What's the term for, like, what's your slang term for playing a game? Because, like, flipping for pinball or something like that, like, do you have, like, a term?

I don't think we have a term. We say, like, do you want like a turn you're gonna go i don't think we have a turn we say like you want to do you want to foos oh you want to food yeah foos is a good i remember once i had like a balloon guy show up at uh fucking my kid's birthday not mine and he was he was doing balloon animals in the corner and he was really good he was making hats and stuff like that for everybody and he was making flowers for the women like he was good and then i said oh there was this other bloke that i saw down at universal uh the other day and he made my kid a minion or something like that he goes a tall guy with a mustache i went yeah yeah he goes yeah i've twisted with him before and so that's what it's called in the in the balloon community twisting wow that sounds very sexual.

Yeah, yeah. I feel like, don't you feel like? Until it pops? Yeah, I feel like that would be on Urban Dictionary in some sort of weird butthole situation. I don't know. I've twisted. I've twisted.

That is a butthole one. So wait, this guy, Sprederman, is he the greatest of all time? Or just right now he's the best? Or is there someone that's the greatest of all time? Or just right now he's the best? Or is there someone that's the greatest of all time? Tony Sprederman is... I mean, there are players like Todd Lafredo and Cindy Head who have an insane amount of titles because they've been playing for decades.

They're older than Tony. But I don't think Tony is beatable right now by anybody else so kind of depends how you want to rank them i guess how long how far have you gone in the world cup so i have never gone to france for the world cup but uh my mom has because my mom qualified to play in the senior doubles i believe and on the women's team. And then my brother, who is six years younger than me, he had qualified for the junior division when he was, I think, 16 or 17. So they went together and played. Well, you should qualify.

I'll help you. I'll sponsor you. You're going to sponsor me? Yeah. You'll have to wear a jersey with my face on it. A t-shirt that says cunt. Yeah. Is there sponsorship deals to be had?

Yeah, yeah. Tony is sponsored by, I think, some pretty big companies. So he goes to every tournament and takes first place. That's his occupation? Yes. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. He lives in an RV and he just drives to every state's tournament

and takes first in everything and just wins all that money. What's the prize money look like? It kind of depends. I mean, I think Tony probably walks away with several thousand each time, a few thousand. There used to be more money in foosball back in the 70s and 80s. And then once video games started to be introduced to arcades and all of that, then people lost the same level of interest

in foosball that they had before. Are there any celebrities who are foosball enthusiasts, whether they be really good or average or whatever? Do you ever shop at a tournament? Oh, Charles Barkley's here. No. Well, Woody Harrelson loves foosball. So my mom co-wrote the World Table Soccer Almanac,

and there's a forward by Woody Harrelson. Wow. Follow-up question, is it a good sport to play whilst high? No, it's not because it's, your reflexes have to be so fast in foosball. It's such a fast paced game that anytime I've tried to play high, it does not go well for me.

The world table soccer. It's a great, I've never done Coke, but I mean, a lot of foosball players i think do coke at tournaments that's probably a more appropriate they don't drug test at these foosballs they don't check for anything steroids i reckon ecstasy would be bad yeah bad for it yeah ketamine no good cocaine is your drug speed with speed would be all right yes maybe. Maybe meth, yeah. And I'm probably speaking out of turn when I say a lot of players.

I just know that coke has been probably around in foosball terms. Adderall would be all day. Oh, yeah. Snort some Adderall. I'm looking at Spetterman right here. He looks like how you'd think. Looks like he's got the limit in an RV. He's got a newspaper

with Japanese writing on it. Have you ever dated a guy that you met at a foosball competition? I sure have not. You said that with disappointment in your soul then. You'll get there. You know what's funny? When somebody's

really good at foosball, it is hot. I think it's hot when somebody can hit the ball really hard and is good at it. When someone's good at anything, though. When someone's extraordinarily good at anything, it's attractive. Talent is attractive. Except for, like, murder. Even then, the women show up, don't they?

If you're a real A-class murderer, they were sending naked pictures to Dharma. Yeah. What? Yeah. Oh, God. I don't want to say anything rude, but I think he might be a homosexual.

What? Jeffrey Dharma. You can't say that. Why are you saying it like your mom's saying it or something? To add to the humor. Yeah, I know. But I was saying it for the... There we go. All right, let's keep moving on. What is the name of the humor. Yeah, I know. That's what I was saying. There we go.

All right, let's keep moving on. What is the name of the 1994 comedy movie that featured foosball as a major plot point? Forky's Four. I don't remember any movie. 1994? Is this Longshot? I don't know.

Did you write this, Kelly? I don't know. I mean... You don't know this. You can say I don't know about that. It's part of the podcast. I don't know the answers. We don't know. I was thinking I don't know about that it's part of the podcast I don't know the answers we don't know

I was thinking through the movies and I thought no she knows this is later than 1994 so it's not that it's a couple of years later although there was

some foosball scenes there's a movie Underdogs that says it's about foosball oh yeah foosball movie you guys wrote the questions Longshot came out

before then I think wait so Longshot is a foosball movie Longshot is a full a foosball movie? Longshot is a full-on foosball movie. Oh, Leif Garrett. Leif Garrett. Longshot sounds like a Drew Barrymore romantic comedy about, you know, they had one chance.

It was a Longshot. That would be like the tag underneath it. And it would be her leaning on her back, and next to it would be, I want to say, a young Eric Banner. No, but look at this. That's Longshot. Oh, Longshot. Bloody hell. Nothing wrong with Longshot.

Why is it Longshot Kids? I don't know. You can see there's Leaf... Is that Leaf Garrett in that one? I don't know. The girl looks cute. I might watch a bit of Longshot. Oh, they'd say kids. They've ruined it. I want to watch Longshot's Adults. Wait, so do we not know the video game answer then either?

The mini game in there? I thought Grand Theft Auto was a good guess, but I don't know. You get four points then, John. I just look up trivia questions. I don't know these. But aren't the answers underneath? You got to know the answer. No, not always.

You just go on the net and look up questions without answers? Yeah. How is that fulfilling? I don't know these. But aren't the answers underneath? You've got to know the answer. No, not always. Sometimes you... You just go on the net and look up questions without answers? Yeah. How is that fulfilling? Well, because we don't know... You think I want to spend hours doing this? No, but you'll never know if you got it right. I thought the question would always have the answer right.

I don't know, question and answer. No, I don't put the answers in here. Oh, I'm going to have a webpage that just has questions that are unanswerable. Unansweredquestions.com. Yeah, I'm going to go, what movie just has questions that are unanswerable. Unansweredquestions.com. Yeah, I'm going to go, what movie? We give our outlines to our guests. Four superheroes riding dolphins. Oh, yeah, this is Kelsey's fault.

All right, well, let's get to the dinner party facts. It's Forrest's fault he didn't send it for approval. I always send the questions for approval. I'm disappointed in both of you. All right, I'm sorry. Let's edit this out. All right, so how about dinner'm sorry. Let's edit this out. All right. So how about dinner party facts?

Let's do that. That was telling you, Kelsey, that we asked our expert to give us one fact, something obscure, interesting, or it can be several facts or a story, something about the topic that is interesting that people can use to impress other people or just tell them. Sure. So I feel like it's probably easier for me to give some tips that might be helpful for you to be a better player. So when you're setting up your defense,

this might seem obvious, but sometimes people will just stack their men directly in front of each other back in the goalie, which is obviously you're not taking up very much of the goal then. So make sure they're staggered, but then also tip the feet of your men up a little bit. Because if you have your men's feet straight down or back slightly,

and the ball is shot and hits them, and your hand is not on the rod, there's a high chance the ball is just going to go through and into the goal. But if you keep the player's feet tipped up a little bit, it might just hit the corner and pop back out or it won't go all the way through. Yeah, that's happened to me before. I remember you called me. It's hit it and then the feet get like just,

they go up and then they go in. That's why I was saying, should there be some greasing of the rods? Like can it be over-greased or under-greased? Is that an official thing? I had a breed all the way here and it's showing up on the camera. The stain just happened. This isn't an old stain.

There's a lot of stain. It was one bite, and it all just went, whoa. I've got to go to the hairdresser afterwards. And that's always a place where people look fancy. And I'm going to show up with my stained shirt. Do you want to answer the question? I have to the question getting shampooed as the girl judges me all right anyway yeah greasy rods greasy greasy rods go yeah uh so there's a product called horrifying it's just it's just anilese rebranded astro glide yeah so yeah it comes in this little tube and you put drops of it on the rods and then you spin the rods so it kind of coats it and makes sure that everything is lubed up and glides fast be any that's legal yeah yeah you that's part of the table maintenance that is done

before you get to a tournament but i've walked into bars and i just see the saddest like shelter animal version of foosball tables in the corner that are just covered in the rods don't move at all and so i have asked bartenders before do you have any ham back there or olive oil or anything like that or Windex and I will go fix the rods because it bothers me I mean you just can't play on tables with a rod without foos

Bartenders must be excited when you come up and ask for some rod grease I thought you were going to ask him for a foos loop If you don't have any foos loop we'll take cram or olive oil. I'll take basil. I'll take olive oil. Anything you want. Jerking the rods off.

Yeah, I guess it is just repackaged, like you said, anyways. Because there was a baseball player talking about he used to put KY jelly on a ball back when they didn't even check that stuff. And he would put KY jelly in the back of his neck. And then he'd take a little bit and put it on the ball. And that was his KY ball that he did. Oh, God. If people want to go out and play or want to enter a tournament,

how do they go about that? And also, what bars are the best bars just to go down and just have a bit of fun with foosball? That's a good question. It really depends on the city, but if you go onto Yelp and type foosball table, usually it will give you a list of bars in that area and you can kind of look at pictures it's easy to see i feel like in my opinion if a foosball table is in good condition or if it looks like forests you know if it looks

like forests then if it's in good condition or looks like forest yeah i was like jeez i reckon forest would make a great table. No, Forrest's apostrophe S, not apostrophe. Oh, gosh. He's had little men on him before. And then if you want to find tournaments in your area, you can Google your state plus foosball or your city plus foosball. And usually a forum will pop up and show you what is happening in your state. There are foosball leagues in pretty much every state.

All right, cool. Does it ever get televised? Yeah. So the World Cup was televised on ESPN2 and I was a commentator. So that was pretty fun. I got to do like sports commentary for the World Cup. So that does get aired sometimes. So you got the Hail Mary now next time you do that.

You can add that into the lexicon. Oh, I know. And do they pair you up with like some guy who's like a professional commentator of other sports and he's just like, God, what did I do wrong? Like it was Joe Buck buck there like joe buck didn't do a good world series and now he's like what am i doing foosball all right come on joe work your way back up yeah no jim stevens is the main foosball commentator he's really really good

at what he does it's i i wish that you guys could see an actual tournament with commentary. It's very high level. And what color do you like to be? Oh, it really doesn't matter. She's taking the ball and flipping it upside down. She doesn't care what color she is. When I play chess, I like to be the black team. Yeah, inclusive.

I like to go second. White team goes first, I like to go second white team goes first like to go second um all right well i think uh and is it a top coin toss who goes first they just dump it through that hole do they start with the ball in the middle or they just dump it through the hole and when you dump it through the hole is it okay to put a bit of spin on it because i always try to spin it into my player like that when i go through or is that illegal? So it does start with a coin toss and then actually now a lot of the tables don't come with the hole on the side. You start by setting the ball on your five bar and you ask your opponent if they're ready, they say ready,

and then you have to touch the ball to two men, wait a second, and then you can move the ball forward. So it prevents people from just hitting it wildly on on the first second without the person actually being ready for it so that's technically how it starts now what's what's the best bit of trash talk you've ever done or been given in foosball not in life um it's kind of fun for me if i'm playing a guy and I'm feeling pretty confident that I will beat them to, if it's going to be the game winning point, I tell them I'm going to look at them while I shoot it and score.

So sometimes I've done that and I feel like that's pretty humiliating for them. Like Tom Cruise in The Car of Money when he does the shot, he looks up and winks and then he hits the ball in. Yeah, I can see that. That's a good one.

That would be intimidating. You've got to name that move. Yeah. Jim's got a name for you. No. I don't know. What's that move called? Cooking the ball.

Yeah, good. I'm going to cook you. Yeah, yeah. There you go. Kelsey Cook, thanks for being here. Go to KelseyCook.com and you can find what city she's coming to and buy tickets to go see her. And also go and watch The Hustler on YouTube.

It is very funny and keep giving her those views. And the Self Help Us podcast as well. Thanks for being here, Kelsey. Thanks, Kelsey. Thanks for having me. That was so much fun. Thanks for having me, guys. If you're ever in a party and someone comes up to you and goes,

you can't get a ball on two players' feet and flip it in the air and score a goal, go, I don't know about that, and walk away. Good night, Australia.