I Don't Know About That - Golf

Episode Date: November 28, 2023

It's par for the course for the IDKAT crew to not know that much about golf, but our expert Michael McEwan (@MMcEwanGolf) of Bunkered Magazine has us hitting straight by the end of the episode.

homeless people if they had a house with me would they be called home more people more or less find out and i don't know about that i think you're supposed to call them unhoused now right unhoused i think that's what that's the term because that's my theory on how we fix that. I'm a hippie, man. No fucking, no borders. No more countries. We get rid of it all.

You get to live wherever. I'm just listening to John Lennon. I've always been like this. This is how I feel. This is how I feel. I've fought to get into every country I've ever worked in. And I'm just like, man, you live where you live. But I've got one rule.

I've got one rule. I've got one rule. So we have a world government. Yeah. Right? The world government. We have the dole. We have unemployment benefits, right? Because everyone's not going to be able to be employed, right?

You can live anywhere you want in the world, anywhere you want in the world, but you can't be homeless because we're giving you unemployment benefits and there are going to be some countries where you can buy a shack for like $50 a month, right? So everyone's got to – you've got to be – so the more expensive cities will stay nice and stuff like that, so you'll have a pathway to success. We talked about this on the road. Yeah, yeah.

This is my way. No more borders. You can live wherever you want, but you've got to have housing. We talked about this after we went to Reba McIntyre's restaurant yeah we went to Reba McIntyre's house in Atoka if you wanna film a Hallmark movie set for Christmas

go to Atoka where Reba's from everyone who works in Reba's restaurant is from Central Casting they are ready to go what was the guy's name that served us? I don't know.

There was a guy with a mullet who served us. He had like poofy hair. Yeah, he had like poofy hair. And he was very, everyone's like, how you doing? Like a poodle.

He was just like, how you boys doing? How can I fit? Would you want, do you want to get yourself a tea, a sweet tea or a half and half? You would hire this guy

in a second. If you owned a business or a restaurant, you'd hire, he a half and half? You would hire this guy in a second. If you owned a business or a restaurant, you'd hire him. He was great at his job. That's awesome. Fantastic at his job. Fantastic. And then he walked away, and Jim goes, great job, Central Casting. That's who you would cast here in Oklahoma.

He was like the guy that you would stereotypically. But like young guy, he would clean up in that town. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's getting pussy. The women would like him good looking guy yeah good at his job even rolled up the menus for us here you got a little souvenir we said we said there's a there's a uh there's a hamburger that's it's got bacon on it cherry coke burger hamburger he goes well you just picked my favorite right there. Oh my God.

Is that any good? He goes, is that any good? It's real good. I have it every day. That's what we got. We got a Cherry Coke burger. How was it? It was good. Pretty good. Pretty good. Fried green tomatoes. It was good. Fried green tomatoes. And a cherry in Reba's restaurant. That's like lunch.

Does Reba ever come in? No, but sometimes she FaceTimes her niece who runs the place and she talks to her. Talks to everybody in there. She gets on the big screen. Yeah, they have a huge TV that's playing only Reba songs.

Turns out she's probably done, what, three or four Christmas songs? Yeah, she's done a number of Christmas songs. Just straight Christmas from here on in. Yeah. Just her just singing

Christmas songs. Have yourself. That's a little Christmas. She does posters over TV. She had the Reba show. What is it? Country Malibu? Yeah, something Malibu was a show.

I don't know. So Chris Case wrote like 13 episodes of the Reba show. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he wrote on the Malibu show too. We were looking at IMDb. We already knew the other one. Isn't she like a detective in like Big Sky?

It's like the Montana cop show. No, no, no. The Reba one I think was just a straight it's like right now reba was reba was a straight up sitcom about a woman who's got six or seven seasons got kids crushing it damn and the song was i'm a survivor so then we walk out we walk out of that restaurant and we were like this because on the road you like to do fun stuff like that we were like let's not just now to fun. Now, I might be the only Australian who's visited. Might be, right?

But my accent was exciting to people. It's very rare that happens these days where people actually go, oh, my goodness. So we went into this one, this place. This bloke was opening a soda pop shop in Etuka, right? And he goes, I just ripped down the drywall. Look what was behind there. And there was a 120-year-old Coca-Cola mural. That's so cool. That was just in that store. He goes, so we're going to leave that up. Yeah, you have to. down the drywall look what was behind there and there was a 120 year old coca-cola mural that's

so cool that's that was just that was in that story goes so we're gonna leave that up yeah and then the wife's like where are you from and i'm like i'm australian she goes well you gotta go visit our candy store over the road just across the street she goes she goes across the street she goes we have a map up there where you can put in a pin from what town you're from and if you're from a country you get to put your flag on the wall from all the different places that have visited the touca candy store right okay and so i go in there full of piss and vinegar right all the people are shopping around buying candy out of barrels you know there was all women except for me it was all it was all women in the store. Middle of the day.

All women in there, sort of 40 to 60. 40 to 70 was the age bracket of all the women in the store. Excellent. And I come in there and I went, ah, there's already bloody an Australian flag here. I thought I was the first. And they all went, oh my goodness, we have a live

one. Jim was like laying the accent on to us. Oh, hello. Crikey. But I let out a natural crikey. It was a natural one? Yeah, every now and again I let out a natural crikey. I went, bloody hell, crikey, which one will I pick here?

Because they said I have to pick a chocolate. And I went, oh, crikey, like that, about that level. And then one of the women said, what did she say? Yeah, she goes, crikey, I like that. I'm going to use that. Yeah, and then she liked it so much they had to fucking get a mop and a bucket. Yeah. And they were all like coming like, come see what's over here.

Yeah, yeah. I'm Australian. I started to feel the store. People were walking over. And no one knew me as a comedian or anything. Just the accent. Just a famous person. Like just famous because of the accent

any Australian who goes there gets to be famous so if you're driving from Dallas to Tulsa that's what we were doing the highway turns into it just comes in this town Etoga

go just pull down the street to the old town of Etoga and have a good time yeah yeah awesome they got coffee shops and restaurants

and candy stores I feel like the whole town went to shit and then Reba went and opened a restaurant. And now they've redone the high street. There was a Wrigley's mural. Remember the Wrigley's?

It looked like a movie set, but it was real. That's awesome. It was cool. So we had fun. Anyways. Also, we did the gigs in Oklahoma. Man, were the people in Oklahoma nice. Yeah, it was fun.

The whole town was so nice. Out in Tulsa. Yep. Tulsa, man. I couldn't fucking... People were man, I couldn't fucking, people were like, I can't believe, we went and played

blackjack afterwards and we just had fucking just drunks come and sit next to us. Yeah, I sat with you while you played blackjack and there was a guy that was like,

Jim Davery. So his wife had called an Uber and he's like, come back, I'm playing blackjack with Jim Davery. He goes, you can't cancel it,

Jim Davery, shit, we're playing blackjack together. He was like blind drunk. He's like, I just want to play. That's awesome. All right, speaking of that shit day I wear a black jacket. He was like blind drunk. He's like, I just want to pay for this. That's awesome.

All right, speaking of that, you've got some upcoming shows here this week. December 1st and 2nd. TysonsVirginia.WashingtonDC. TysonsVirginia. There we are. And then the next week after that, the 8th and 9th, Las Vegas, Nevada. Viva Las Vegas. And then next year, you've got a whole bunch.

Go to JimDeffries.com. Go to JimDeffries.com. You've got Baltimore, Boston, Sacramento. When's the one at the Ace Theater? We've got to move some tickets in Theater? Ace Theater is June 1st. June 1st. That's my big gig in L.A. I do one a year.

Come on, June 1st. You'll have San Francisco the 30th and June 1st, L.A. at the Ace. But those are all. And you've got everything on there. Colorado, Florida, South Carolina, Washington State, et cetera. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was talking to you before because I said I was going to retire. I guess I'm not.

I just keep going. Yeah, your agent just ignored that. Well, I was going through a lot of depression when I said that the first time. And I was sort of like a bit – you know what it was? I was down on – every time I brought out a special, everyone just shit on it. Yeah. Everyone just shit on all my specials. And I put so much love and effort into those fucking things.

And I was like, you know what? Fuck this. I don't have to be shit on all the time. And now, you know what I'm like? I'm like, fuck it. Because I just needed some time off. I spent a couple of months not doing stand-up. And I recharged my batteries.

And I was like, you know what? I like doing stand-up. Shit on me all you want. I don't give a fuck. Jay-Z retired like three times. I still, well, I don't, you know, I love doing stand I don't you know I love doing stand-up I really do love doing stand-up but it just

it was getting to me man it was fucking getting to me every time you do something you put science care into it everyone just wants to fucking shit on anything you create and I think the secret is

you just don't listen to anyone and you just keep I mean look there's people are still are coming to see you like even if there's just one person

there's thousands of others that are enjoying it. You've got to block those people out. You should call this next tour the Out of Retirement Tour. I don't know because there's still a bit of me. I don't want to bring out a special anytime soon. And I've been very much enjoying this tour because I feel like a little bit of weight's been taken off my shoulders. You have the ticking clock of having to put a special together. Yeah, I don't have that, the ticking clock.

And I'm writing material a little bit more organically now. It's coming to me a little bit quicker. But, you know, look, depression might hit me again. Part of the reason I wanted to retire was the real reason. I wanted to spend more time with my kids. And so what I'm doing now is I'm making more time for my kids than I did before. And so that's why I'm doing things like the game show and stuff, so I can have, like have a lot of time off.

I'm spending whole summers off. I've only got three more gigs coming up to Christmas and no more gigs. Four. Ah, fuck. I'm a bad dad. Two in D.C., two in Vegas. I'm a bad dad.

The same trip. Yeah. Two in D.C., two in Vegas. Back to back days. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got those ones. Those are easy ones. There you go.

Easy. All right. I'll see you in Vegas. All right. And yeah, yeah. No, I've got those ones. Those are easy ones. There you go. Easy. All right. I'll see you in Vegas. All right. And now it's time to meet our guest. Please welcome Michael McEwen. And hello, Michael McEwen. Welcome to the podcast.

Now it's time to play Yes, No. Yes, No. Yes, No. Yes, No. Judging a book by its cover. Brought to you by Barnes & Noble. Is it? No.

Oh, we should get it. Oh, we should. We should do that. It was Amos' idea. Brought to you by Kindle. Yeah, whoever. Whoever's out there and wants to sell books. Brought to you by books.

Yeah. Books.com. Big books. Books.com. Read them, burn them. We don't give a fuck what you do with them. Books. Books.com.

So Michael McEwen, right? I never even asked you how to pronounce your last name i'm saying it correct right yep you've nailed it mckeown that's it mckeown okay so young michael here is a scottish man and mckeown is a very famous name from the town of edinburgh in fact the people of edinburgh when they graduate from the university graduate in mckeown hall wow Wow. Oh, my words. Nailed it. We're not talking about any of this.

What was the name of the comedian who was the first comedian to sell out McEwen Hall at the Edinburgh Fair? That's right, me. So humble. Yeah, people are like, I came here to graduate and to watch you say cunt all in the same month or something.

Well, congratulations, Jim. Oh, yeah. I got that brag. I did that about 18 years ago, and to get the brag in now, it's taken a long time. I played the long game. Yeah, it was a long time. I was hoping someone else would bring it up first, but they just haven't,

and I just heard the words McEEwen and I went for it. It's my time. I've been patient. Do you want to guess what Michael's here to talk about? My career at McEwen Hall. Wow. Nailed it. Yay.

I'd like to. So he's Scottish. He's in front of a, like one of those 80s carpeted wall backgrounds. He has a T-shirt. Yeah, but he has a, well, this is the thing. like one of those 80s carpeted wall backgrounds. Might be his house. He has a t-shirt. Yeah, no, but he has a, well, this is the thing. He has a t-shirt with a badge and a thing.

I'm going to say that he's here to talk about football and he's in somewhere in a stadium right now where they hold like press type of thing. And maybe he works for the Hearts Football Club, which has the manager, Jim Jeffries, in it previously. So there's the connection. It's not worth talking about, but if you can get a hold of Michael. That's incorrect.

We'll do that. Good guess, but wrong. We'll do that in another episode. Jim Jeffries, the football manager, started showing up to my gigs in Edinburgh, right? And then they did a thing where I walked out at Harts in front of the stadium like, and here we go with Jim Jeffries.

And they go, that's the wrong Jim Jeffries. And I was like, what? And they gave me a jersey with the name, but he showed up at me gigs. He's a good bloke, Jim Jeffries and they go that's the wrong Jim Jeffries and I was like what and they gave me a jersey with the name but he showed up at me gigs and he's a good bloke Jim Jeffries he's all right mate but they had football yeah he's a good guy if it helps if it helps inform your answer he is good friends with my former boss oh I don't think that helps you you're just trying to mess him up Michael oh he's good friends with you maybe it does. Okay, because he did manage in the Premier League. He managed Bradford there for a while before he got moved up to Scotland. I'm going to say we're going to be talking about the football team of Fulham FC.

No, but we'll write that down. No. Write that down. Write that one down. I'm sure you would love to do that. Yeah, I don't know as much as you'd love. Fulham. Fulham?

Fulham FC. Is it football related? This is something. Oh, this is my thing. So Jim Jefferies kept on showing up, and all the Scottish people had chance. If you go against Jim Jefferies' team, you had chance about Jim Jefferies being a fat fuck, right?

But I didn't know about this. I just thought that I'd gone up to Scotland for the first time, and these people had prepared songs. Right? And so it was Day daydream believer and it was cheer up the jim jeffries oh what can it mean you're a great big fat fuck with a shit house football team and i was like i don't know much i was walking out now calling me a big fat fuck and i was like that's a bit much.

Getting into this soccer ruse like that. This is something, the topic is something that you do, but I don't know if you like it. Oh, handjobs for the homeless. From my new charity, Handjobs for the Homeless. I didn't know you were into that. Shoot in the new year. That's our promotion we've got at the moment.

I go around and I cheer up the homeless. Most of them don't need lube. Just the dirt and filth of their penis will work as a type of slime that you can thrust your hand over the cock back and forth. Is it hand jobs for homeless, Forrest? No, no, no. Not that you're humble, but very empathetic. Thank you. Changing lives. Thank you no, no. Not that you're humble, but very empathetic. Thank you. Changing lives.

Thank you. Something that you participate in, but I think you probably don't like it most of the time. Oh, voting? Yep. That's one of the things. It just seems awkward. Just let me tap something on my phone. Make it as

easy as the voice. Why do I have to line up and register? Text this number for the president you want. Text this number for the president you want. You've phone. Make it as easy as the voice. I've done that. Why do I have to line up and register? Text this number for the president you want. Text this number for the president you want. You voted. Keep it to yourself. Vote eight times. No, because it would be registered to your thing.

Be registered to your phone. I've done this with you. Hand jobs for the homeless. Jack and I have done this with you. Forrest is the number one giver for that charity. Jack and I at the same time Have done this for me or with me? With you at the same time

Not sure if you like it Jack and I and you and other people have done this together I'll line up for vaccines Look at my hat Golf Played golf Golf is the topic Haven't we done golf before?

No Surely we've done golf. That's the topic? No. No, we've never done golf. Oh, alright. I'm ready to go. I was trying to do golf, and then Michael reached out to me, thankfully. He's a fan of the show, but he also is a golf expert. Alright, okay.

Alright. Michael McEwen is the deputy editor of Bunkered, one of the UK's biggest and fastest growing golf media brands. Over the last 20 years, he has covered more than 100 professional golf tournaments, including multiple editions of the Masters, the Open, Ryder Cup, and the Solheim Cup. He has interviewed golf personalities ranging from Jack Nicklaus to Rory McIlroy, and once

played nine holes with Donald Trump. He puts pre-presidency in here, to be clear. with Donald Trump. He puts pre-presidency in here, to be clear. And he is the host of the award-winning Bunkered podcast, and you can find Bunkered at bunkered.co.uk and on all social media channels like Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, TikTok, YouTube threads. And you can find the podcast there too,

and you can follow Michael on Twitter at M-M, or it's M-M-Q-U-N-M-C-E-W-A-N, golf. I'm glad we got a Scottish person to give us this because it was invented in Scotland. I know, hold on, yeah. Tell us a little bit more about Bunkered, Michael. Bunkered, it's the only nice end you get in all of the UK. Hey-o!

That's why we called the magazine that. Yeah, Bunkered is a golf magazine that's extended into a golf media brand because of the evolution of the industry. And we've been going since 1995. Originally, we were a Scottish golf magazine, but now we sell on newsstands across the UK. So we're a golf magazine from Scotland, which we think is quite a nice little USP.

So I've been with the company for 20 years nearly. I started on April 1st, 2004, which coincidentally was the same day that my dad retired from his working life. And he's never let me forget it because dad likes to think that he is the most successful writer in the family, even though he wasn't a writer,

but he did, and Jim, you might appreciate this, he did write the Whaley Boot song that Billy Connolly then made famous back in the day. Oh, there you go. Yeah, big shoes to live up to, but that's what I do. You know the song? Yeah. I know Billy Connolly, and I've watched his stand-up, but I don't know. I watched

Billy Connolly once perform for about six hours or so. I saw two shows at the at the uh Sydney Opera House yeah and the second show I figured it out like he had a graffiti wall behind him which was all like like just like spray painted words and stuff just like a wall out of the 80s yeah and I think I was like how does he remember this is before I knew how to do stand-up comedy it's like how's he remembering all the jokes and stuff but his set list was written behind him in graffiti like he just needed prompts of different words so he'd finish it and go so you know

i remember when i was eating a sandwich. The punchlines were hiding in plain sight. That's awesome. I mean, because how many times have you wished you could have that? It's genius. And that's what our set list looks like anyway. If anyone ever found a set list of ours, it would look like some serial killer shit. Chicken scratch.

Yeah, just like random words. All right. Well, Michael, thanks for being here. I'm going to ask Jim a series of questions about golf. And at the end of him answering those, you're going to grade him on accuracy, 0-10, 10 being the best. Jackson, grade him on confidence. I'm going to grade him on how hungry I am. We're going to add those all up, and if you score 20

with your 30, scratch your handicap. Scratch handicap. It's good. Man, I tell you what. I'm not done with it. 11-20, handicap the kind you would prefer not to have, but there's nothing wrong with having it. So it's just a regular handicap. And then 35. What is that, like a limp?

Yeah, I know. But at first I was going to say the bad kind, and then I was like, well, it might be controversial. Am I in a chair? Like what type of handicap are you talking about? That's what I'm talking about, yeah. All right, okay. The kind you don't want to have, bad kind.

I don't like- But 35 handicap. I don't mind people with handicaps. Of course I don't. Who would, right? You're here for a while. That's what I just said. Whenever you see, like, there's like an inspirational video of a guy with one arm who's driving the ball 300. And I'm like, ah.

That's like I have one leg doing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It just like spins on the leg. I saw a blind bloke who was hitting perfectly the other day. And I'm like, ah. Just give up. What's your handicap? Max. Okay. Max handicap. perfectly the other day and i'm like just give up uh what's your handicap oh max okay max handicaps i i i think i might have broken 90 the other day when i had someone else driving the ball for me

every time because we did that scramble i'm just i'm just a good drive away i'm just a good drive away from breaking 90 all right here we go uh when and where did modern golf originate scotland uh from the town of saint andrews was where uh golf was invented you know when like modern does modern golf modern golf uh well they would have scottish it would have been the links form not too many trees that type of stuff a flat type of a thing um lots of the the roughs rough. I would say, I reckon they were golfing before Australia was found. So I'm going to say on a professional level, they've been golfing for 400 years. Okay.

How many holes are in a golf course? 18. Okay. When and where were 18 holes decided on as the number it's too many first of all the game of golf should end at 13 holes nine's not enough you don't feel like you've done enough after 13 you're fatigued too much and you stop giving a fuck if your score doesn't matter those last ones you can really phone it in if you're not playing for anything uh and and 13 still like yeah okay opinion decide what who decided 18 holes or when and where was it decided 18 holes?

Or, like, why? You know, all of that. It would have been a Scottish person. Look, you need a lot of land. Scotland's got a lot of land. No one could have invented 18 holes in London, right? They would have invented one or two holes and gone, ah, that is too much. So I would say it was a Scottish bloke, 1642, after the war of the Celts. Why 18, the number 18?

Because to remind you of when you can start drinking. Okay. At the end of it, you can start drinking. What are the terms or what are these called, each of these? The area you start each hole from. The tee box. What about the area with the hole? The green.

And what is the hole called? The hole. Well, there's a term for it. Oh, the cup. Okay. What about the sand filled areas? Bunkers. The water, rocks, et cetera. What are those called uh they are hazards killing it what's a fairway uh a fairway is the stretch of

the the nicely shaved uh grass that that leads you on onto the green nicely shaved yeah yeah how do they cut that i always wonder how they cut that they just they just it's just like when you get clippers on your face and you take it down a gear. Yeah, it's stale. Number two all around. They just manscape the whole place. What is a dog leg?

It's a bend in the hole. What is a lynx course? A lynx course is a flat course, not much elevation, not much things, and it's sort of, it's pretty straightforward. There's not a lot of trees on the side, but the roughs, the roughs, like really long grass. Okay. Because all the holes link together.

What's the oldest golf course? St. Andrews. Oldest in America. Augusta. Who was the world's first professional golfer? Good guess as any. Who was the world's first professional golfer? Yeah.

Whoever that bloke that Will Smith helped out. Baggers. Matt Damon's character in- Bagger Vance? Yeah, Bagger Vance. He was the bloke, Bagger Vance. All right. It's either town or the person.

I don't know. Bagger Vance. All right. Here's some easy ones for you. What's a birdie? It's one under par. Bogey. One over par. Bag of Vans. All right, here's some easy ones for you. What's a birdie? It's one under par. Bogey. One over par.

An albatross. An albatross is three under par. What about a condor? A condor is a hole-in-one on a par four, which would still be an albatross, but because it was a par four. It's as low as I can go for us because I can't go hole-in-one on a five.

That's ridiculous. It's physically impossible. What would that be called? Bullshit. It'd be called bullshit. Kim Jong-un's gone golfing again. Donald Trump did it. Had a svelte 140 pounds.

Get the fuck out of here. I got one of the five. Who creates the rules for golf? Well, I tried to write a routine for years, and then you found there was Robin Williams that had already done a routine. It's like, oh, we've got to also talk about this Idris Elba. So we were talking about him being James Bond,

and then I was like, great, I'll give that a go. I gave it a go on stage, and then we went, well, Google, if anyone's ever talked about this, bloody Trevor Noah's already done a whole Idris Elba, James Bond routine and then I was like, great, I'll give that a go. I gave it a go on stage, and then we went, well, Google, if anyone's ever talked about this, bloody Trevor Noah's already done a whole Idris Elba, James Bond routine. Fuck. Fuck, comedy's hard. Anyway, so.

Try airplane food. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going to find something. Someone has to tackle that. I'll find a unique take somewhere. That's okay. A lot of people Google gun control. Yeah, yeah, true that, true that.

Who grants the rules for golf? That would have been the PGA. The PGA and then you've got that one that the Arabs are doing it like that. So I would say the St. Andrews masters have the rules or something. Like the official rules for golf. I know when we're playing, you're just kind of gab, but not even if you're just a professional, there's still a set of rules that they say you're supposed to follow. Vladimir McAndrews.

Okay, that's not what I meant. Vladimir McTavish was a Scottish comic, so that's Vladimir McTavish. I don't think Vladimir was his name. I'm going to go Angus McDonalds. McDonalds, yeah. I think you got

all of them. Who creates golf etiquette? When I'm around you, it's you. Forrest. Sometimes I think you make up rules. What if I'm not around? I'll be sneezing in a car. You're not to do that between 13 and 16.

I've never said that. I don't know. What is't know? I don't know. What is the governing body of professional golf? PGA. Okay. How many clubs are allowed in a player's bag per round? I've been told this. 17.

17. How is a golf ball made? And of what material plastic there's a lot of like rubber bandy like things around the little center core and I'm going to say

that might be a a a cork type of thing cork and do you know how they make it like machines

yeah they're not hand whittled I know but there's a process alright you want to know the best way to count all the dimples you get a pen you color them. Do you want to know the best way to count all the dimples?

You get a pen, you color them in as you go. That's the best way to do it. Otherwise, you count the same dimple twice. Thank you for that tip. I think they could probably just find that out. Is there a standard dimple, Michael? They used to be all standard dimples, and now the Pro Vs have different shaped dimples.

Michael, is it standard dimples or is it all different? It varies from manufacturer to manufacturer. But yeah, some of them have like 332 dimples. Others have slightly more. And Jim's quite right. Sometimes you get hexagonal shaped ones. You get circular shaped ones. So dimples, as we'll come to, are kind of important.

Yeah. They stop the ball from going, whoa. I once saw a video of one without dimples coming as we'll come to, are kind of important. Yeah. They stop the ball from going, whoa. I once saw a video of one without dimples coming out of the machine and being hit, and it just goes, whoa. It doesn't go as far, too. Yeah, it doesn't go as far, and it can't. What is stroke play? It's like a charity.

We got a joke, and then we can go, stroke plays. What's the joke? It's a charity. It's my charity. Handjobs for the homeless. Handjo the joke? Do the joke. It's his charity. Masturbating. It's my charity. Handjobs for the homeless. Handjobs for the homeless. Yeah.

Stroke play is one of the things we give. And then like this week and this week only. One of the options. This week and this week only we have thanks for giving you cum. Okay. Now in golf, what's stroke play? Similar. You win by a what's stroke play? Similar. You win by a stroke or lose by a stroke.

It's win or losing by strokes. What about match play? Match play, you go by holes. Okay. What is the Stableford scoring system? Yeah, look, I'm not a pro. You don't think you have to be. That would be that

would be using the handicap handicapping people okay um do you know that one jack no i've never heard that what is a handicap um it's how many strokes you get given because of the average of the amount of times that you play golf and the score you get so that if you wanted to play a person who was good versus a person who was bad, you could give the bad person, the good person some extra strokes on top or take off on the other person so that the game would be even. And so it's calculated how then? It's calculated by what you on average get over par.

So like if you're like so par is like 72 73 or whatever 72 right so if you're getting 86s or whatever your your uh handicap will be 14 what is a slope rating um that would be uh it it also depends on what course you've been playing. But what is it? What does it mean? It means you're playing on a slope, man. It means like not everything's – in this world, you have ups and downs. Here we go.

Depending on where you're standing on the slope, what's happening with you? You're going up, you're going down. Maybe you should specify what you mean by slope. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In golf, slope rating is a thing that you would define yeah it's not a hill okay what is a stimp meter what is a stimp meter um well it's a hundred centimeters all all meters are the same yeah yeah but stimp says one extra yeah yeah it's a stimp meter it's

a regular meter you can gussy it up with other language all you want, but a meter's a meter's a meter. A Ross meter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tom meter. Yeah, yeah. What is a caddy's job? A Ren and Stimp meter.

What is a caddy's job? Well, it's to make me feel like a moron as far as I can. It's to go, are you using that club, are you? Yep. All right, then. That's not how they should be doing it. The Nugent boys, me and my brothers, were sent to be caddies. This is what we used to do back in the old days at Pimble Golf Course, right, in Sydney.

I don't know if they'd sit. What they would do is you'd go play golf, and then they'd have a whole lot of 12- and 13-year-olds would line up in front of you, and they'd walk along, and they'd check your arm to see how sturdy a young man you were. Oh, my God. And then they would give you a golf bag, and you would have to carry the golf bag around for these men in the woods.

And at the end, they'd buy you a Coca-Cola, and they may tip you $ bucks or something like that. Well, I was going to ask you, how much does a caddy make, a professional caddy? I'm talking about. Well, if you're paid, you're paid. That's what professionalism is. Let's do the range.

Is that $10? That's like how much does a comedian make? We all know it can go from $10 to $150. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Professional caddies. How much do they make? What, like the Tiger Woods professional caddy? Doesn't matter, any of them. Yes. Okay, no, no, no, no, no, no. Professional caddies. How much do they make? What, like the Tiger Woods professional caddy? Doesn't matter. Any of them. Yes.

Okay, so Tiger Woods one. Does he have to cover up infidelities or anything like that? Tell me what you know about caddies. I'm asking questions. I need this information for us to find out. He's hiding all the bodies too. Yeah, yeah. But also, does he have to pay for his travel? He has to go, oh, I don't know who

that girl is. And then tell Tiger, you better get out of here, like that. Okay, so that's included. Standard caddy behavior, yeah. Yeah. Does he have to hip flask for daily? Yes. Okay, he has to do that as well. Okay, and he plays every day of the tournament.

He plays one, two, three, four, like if you make it. And the days before the qualifier rounds, too. Now, if you get knocked out at the beginning, does he still get paid for the full week? I think he should be guaranteed for all of it. He's guaranteed no matter what. So it's in his best interest for you to get knocked out, but he doesn't want you to get knocked out too early

because then you'll start pointing the finger at him. Okay. So an ideal caddy world he works two days and you almost make the cut but it's something stupid you did for the week you want the week or you want his yearly yeah week to week okay okay for for a week he's going to make $4,000 a day. For caddying in a tournament for Tiger Woods, you get $12,000. Okay, I think that's all wrong, but we'll see. There's a good math in mind. Name the major championships. You do other tournaments as well, not just that.

You make yourself about $200,000 a year if you're any good at it. Name the major championships. The Masters. The Australian Open. That's not tennis, but okay. The US Open. Yeah. The other ones.

Augusta. The Masters. He said that. What's the one? The US Open. You can just start naming brands. The one where the Arabs, the Arab Golf. Arab Golf.

Arab Golf with Greg Norman. That's one of the big ones. Golf amongst the Jews. A great white shark in the sand, they call it. Who has won the most major championships, and do you know how many? That'll be Jack Nicklaus. How many? It'll be 14.

And do you know who's in second? That'll be Tiger Woods coming in second. How many does he have? Well, he'd have 12 then. Okay. Yeah, good guess. Where are they held? In their hands at the end. There's four of them. For a trophy. Okay. Yeah. Good guess. Where are they held? In their hands at the end.

There's four of them. For a trophy. There's four of them. Where are they all held? Okay. So you've got Augusta, which is outside of Atlanta. In the great state of Georgia. Got you.

Oh, Georgia. Yeah. Keep stalling. On the Mississippi. Am I right? Keep stalling. On the Mississippi. Am I right? Keep stalling. What about the other three? Where are they held? In America? All America. Are these all

in America? There's four major championships involved. Okay. Well, then you have St. Andrews. St. Andrews for the British Open. Uh-huh. This one. Yeah. So, St. Andrews British Open. Uh-huh. This one. This one. Yeah. So, St. Andrews, British Open.

And then there's a small tournament at Weddington. Weddington here in LA? Yeah, Weddington. Harvard Westlake versus Par 3. Night Hall, Par 3. The heart of the valley. Heart of the valley. Okay.

Have you ever played Weddington, Michael? I've never heard of Weddington then you know fucking expert mate if you don't know about Weddington you don't know about golf

all the tee boxes are matte yeah you hit off a matte it's real nice you can get through the whole course with a pitching wedge

and a putter or a frisbee who was considered the greatest golfer ever this might be this is probably an opinion it would be Jack Nicklaus Jack Nicklaus or Arnold Palmer Or a Frisbee. Who is considered the greatest golfer ever? This is probably an opinion. It'd be Jack Nicklaus.

Jack Nicklaus. Or Arnold Palmer. Just for the drink. Yeah. Do you know Jack Nicklaus' nickname? The Golden Bear. Good. How'd you get that one?

Oh, no shit. I thought you made that up. I didn't know that do you know Arnold Palmer's nickname the drink I don't know if he has one let me know any other famous golfers

wasn't he something like the big easy or something because of his swing I don't know he had some big easy I think that's New Orleans I don't know what is live

this is your last question live is the Arab golf tournament Arab golf with is the Arab golf tournament. Arab golf with Greg Norman? Arab golf with Greg Norman. What's going on with it? He likes it because it's only three rounds. If he only went three rounds, he would have won everything.

But he always used to choke in the final. So that's why Greg Norman. So basically. Why is it called Live? Because they got sued because of their original title, which was longer, which the title was And Let Die. So Paul McCartney got in and then they just went, oh, we'll just shorten it.

It's L-I-V. Do you know why it's called L-I-V, Liv? And let die. Okay. Arab golf. Arab golf. Playing Arab golf. Arab golf.

We make more money. All right, Michael. Michael McKeown. How did Jim do on his knowledge of golf? Zero through ten. Ten's the best. Arab golf. I'm going to...

Sorry, the lights have just gone out in the building. Here they go. They're back on you know what there were some really really good answers in there and there were some truly terrible theories around caddying so eight and a half I think

yeah actually give me a lowest score because it's golf give me another point give me another point for knowing that. Yeah, it should have. It's the only game where you want the lowest score. That's right.

Is there another game where you want the lowest score? Darts. No, darts. You want to get 180? What if you count down? You go down, zero. Yeah, but you want to get the points. It's all the counting up.

We're counting down. It doesn't make a difference. Okay. How do you do on confidence, Jack? I mean, his confidence was absolutely through the roof. Thanks, Jack. I'm going to give him the same score that his handicap is, which is a maximum score.

Maximum score, 25. I'm pretty hungry. Okay, so we'll do plus i think like 58 no no we're doing a golf score arab golf arab plus seven that's not bad you'd be killed to have plus seven as a score pretty good it's almost a condor you never have plus seven in your life you like it seven over jim now everyone's like what the fuck happened to the story? All right, when and where did modern golf originate, Michael? Yeah, Jim nailed it. It is Scotland, probably why I'm here talking with you guys.

So Scotland is the home of golf. Many countries have, of course, claimed that they invented golf. There was a sport called Paganica in ancient Rome that has a lot of similarities to the modern game. Likewise, Qiwan, which was played in China between the 8th and 14th centuries. And there's Kolfen in the Netherlands, England, Persia. They had variations of the game as well. But the earliest documented written evidence of golf's existence can be traced to 15th century Scotland.

distance can be traced to 15th century Scotland and it's kind of weird but James II who was the king of Scotland at the time passed a law banning golf because he was concerned that playing it was getting in the way of archery practice for his military and he was obviously a bit concerned at that time about you know the next English invasion so he put it into a law that you cannot play golf. But they should have had them at the same time because if you had them at the same time, archery practice on the golfers, there'd be no one dragging their feet, would they? They'd get their shot done real quick.

You'd get there around in two hours. Have the archers on the side, the golfers through the middle, then you've got yourself a sport. If you take more than two practice swings. Arrow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mulligan? Ah, here's an arrow through the head, cunt. Is that a gimme? I'll give you a gimme.

Yeah, he won't know because he's British. You won't know about the gimmies. But in America here, if you're within 300 feet of the hole, they just give it to you. You're just a little off the green. I'm sure you know about gimmies, Michael, but you guys don't have them, right? Yeah, we've got them. But, you know, I think they're a lot more common in the States.

We tend not to go with mulligans or breakfast balls over here. That's quite an American kind of thing. But yeah, gimmies, we do those. Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, Scottish people. A breakfast ball. They don't want to bend over too much. You ever met the Scots?

They're big folk. Yeah, mulligans, do-over. Breakfast ball is also do-over. Yeah, all do-over yeah but the breakfast ball you get on the first tee right that's where you're supposed to take the breakfast exactly he played an awful lot of golf during his terms in office and he created something called billigans which was basically his way of saying if i had a good drive to start the day then we'll just carry on if i don't then

I'm going to get a do-over so Billigans became a sort of 90s golf reference that fortunately and you played with Trump was he good because everyone claims he's good but he doesn't look like he has a good swing funny you say that because his swing doesn't look good does it it's a bit the nicest way I can put it is he's got a bit of an old man swing but he's sneaky good I have to say we've only played nine holes, we played at his golf course up in Aberdeen

and yeah, he was more than decent I was pleasantly surprised by just how good he was and you know what, everyone always asks me, did you see him cheat, is it true that he cheats? I'd love to say yes because it's a better story but the truth is I didn you see him cheat is it true that he cheats i'd love to say yes because it's a better story but the truth is i didn't see him cheat once so yeah well he's only playing he plays a lot he's playing his own fucking course that's cheating enough yeah i know but

it's so funny look you play me spider-man pinball on me home too if you can't beat me yeah it look i'm not here to defend trump in a lot of ways, but with golf, it's like everyone except pros are cheating, I feel like. Cheating, I mean, it's like you just nudge your ball a little bit like, I'm not going to hit out of that rough or something like that. Yeah, I'm on like a root. I don't want to hurt my club. Whereas the pros with that, they have to hit it no matter where. No, I don't deny

he'd be a good golfer, but he just, he doesn't look like he's a good golfer. No, he doesn't look athletic. Because like, when you saw like, George W looked like he really drived the ball. He looked like he had a good golfer. No he doesn't look that athletic. Because like when you saw like George W looked like he really drive the ball. He looked like he had a good swing on him. Obama, is Obama good? I don't know. Obama was a decent left-handed golfer I think and he was okay when he came into office. He was absolutely brilliant by the time he left office because he played a huge amount of golf as well but he's very obsess about it, and he's played a lot in retirement.

He was over in St. Andrews a few years ago playing. Fun. All right, how many goals are on a hot holes on our golf course? Jim said 18. You know, that is correct. Yeah, nailed it. I mean, you get a lot of nine-hole golf courses as well. You know, I think roughly one in every five golf courses in Scotland

out of the 550 we've got as a nine-hole golf course. There's a few 12-hole courses as well, but yeah, 18 is the standard number, so he's nailed it. We played at 12, remember, on your bachelor party? Yeah, that was at... Out in the desert there. Josh, Josh.

Yeah, yeah. Was that only 12? Yeah, it was 12 or 13. They said, oh, you can go around and play five more, and you did. You were like, now we're good. I got some big golf ahead of me this month. My brother's coming out to see me.

And so my brother likes golf. So we're playing. What do we got booked in? The win. The win. We're doing the PGA one in Palm Springs. Yeah. Cool.

And my friend Chris Case is taking us out. We might be doing one of the country clubs out here. Very exclusive. So we've got three big ones. When and where were the 18 holes decided on and why? Yeah, this is a bit of a funny one. So St. Andrews, the old course originally was 12 holes, but 10 of which were played over the same set of fairways, both out and back. So

you had a grand total of 22 holes. So that is two of them were played once per round, the other 10 were played twice per round for a total of 22. And eventually, I think it was mid 18th century, like 1750, 1760, at that time, the first four holes in the course, the locals decided, you know what let's just combine those into two that would be a much better way of playing it they were a bit too short they figured so when they did that with the changes they'd already made going out and back they ended up with 18 holes so that as i say was sort of mid-18th century it took a while for other courses to to fall in line and to make that standardised. And when the Open Championship started in 1860, it was originally played at Prestwick, which at the

time down in Ayrshire, at the time that was a 12 hole golf course. It then moved to St Andrews where there was 18 holes and just gradually over time, 18 became standardised. So there was no real line in the sand that this is it we are doing 18 whole golf courses. St Andrews was the standard bearer and eventually everybody else just kind of fell in line with what they did. Have we ever heard, have you ever heard the, I don't know because I obviously wasn't there, but have you ever heard the Sean Connery St Andrews BBC executives story? I can't say I have. Okay so alright so this I think i've told you i'll tell it to jack so the rumor goes right so so sean connery towards the end of his life did

those documentaries where he went our planet it's water and animals and shit he did the voiceover for all that type of thing for one of the our planet things for the bbc so the BBC in like sort of the mid, early 2000s took him out golfing in St. Andrews because with a couple of executives because they were trying to sweet talk him into narrating this whole thing, right? So men being what men are, men are horrible creatures and talk. Disgusting. Disgusting. They were talking about different women they'd have sex with and all that type of stuff,

the executives. And one of them goes to Sean, goes, hey, Sean, you bloody James Bond, you must have been through a few women in your day. You got any good stories? And he goes... And he gets up and he leaves. I thought it was the Bond girls, right?

Yeah, no, no, he goes, he gets up and leaves. Sean Connery gets up and leaves and he goes to the bathroom. And the executives sit there and one of them goes to the other one and goes, are you out of your fucking mind? He's been married for 50 fucking years. And you're asking an old man what women he's fucked? Fuck! Like they're all like this.

And then he comes back and he goes, sorry, everyone, indigestion. Ursula Andrews in the ass. Now, I wasn't there, so I can't be sure. It sounds like it. That's the story I've heard. It sounds accurate. Every interview you have seen with him, he's like, remember the one where he's like,

you shouldn't think about not hitting women? The one where he just talks about slapping women. Yeah, you want to take that back? He goes, no. No. Yeah, he's... So I think Jim answered all these. The area you start each hole from, he called the tee box,

the area with the hole, the green, the cup, the bunker, the hazard, and the fairway. Got all those right. I know all the things. Is there any other terms that would be tough? I hope one day we do this female anatomy. I'll just be like that. The boobs.

The hole. The hole. The cup. Stomach. Yeah. What about the labia? I don't care where you lie. Are there any other terms that we can ask him? I don't know.

I think that I was trying to think of other stuff. Ten on confidence. Yeah, I mean, there's just American versions of it. I mean, over here we would describe the the rough the the thicker grass a longer grass is just the rough over time we've had things like the first cut the second cut the semi rough and yeah it's you know when you guys get your hands in the language you like to change things and that's created a little bit of controversy over you know traditional golf terms being changed particularly in tv broadcasts we'll come to one of them in a little

while but yeah i think jim absolutely nailed that section from from what i remember i know all this and dog leg i i know hazards don't worry about that i'm a fucking i'm a magnet yeah a dog leg so again spot on that's basically where the fairway turns sharply from left to right or right to left like the hind leg of a dog it's the opposite of a linear hole which is just more or less straight and a straight line from to t to green an example of a dog leg hole would be like the the 13th augustin national the third at press wick sometimes they get referred to as risk reward holes because the more of the corner of the dog leg you're able to successfully cut off with your shot,

that's the risk, the greater the reward, you know, a shorter approach into the green, for example. There was actually a Scotsman called James Braid, who won the Open five times. He also designed or redesigned over 200 different golf courses, and he's generally regarded as the inventor of the dogleg, because they were a key feature of many of his most famous designs. as the inventor of the dog leg as they were a key feature of many of his most famous designs, but the style had already been in widespread use before James Braid came along

but because he put them into so many of his golf courses, he's generally regarded as the man who created the dog leg. Jack, you grew up near Augusta. Did you ever play Augusta? Nope, my dad did though. It's very exclusive. Yeah, too exclusive for you? Yep. And a Lynx course. Was Jim right there? He was just saying I was Nope, my dad did, though. It's very exclusive. Yeah, it was too exclusive for you? Yeah.

And a Lynx course. Was Jim right there? He was just saying it was flat and there was... Nope. Yeah, okay. Not so much. You were right in the sense that you tend not to find too many trees, but that's because a Lynx course typically is a course that's close to the sea. Some people reckon that it comes from the Gaelic word hlink,

H-L-I-N-C, which they use to define the area where land beats sea. And typically those golf courses are a bit more undulating in terms of natural undulations, very little in the way of man-made shaping or heavy-duty machinery coming in to build engines or whatever, with the exception of some courses that are coming up now. But yeah, a LINX course is generally as nature made it, you should be able to just mow the grass down, put in a tee, put in a green and by and large it's ready to go. So very few trees you've got, it's a bit more

exposed open to the elements. You've got the sea wind coming in off it and the grass is different as well so in the states you'll probably play on courses that use more bermuda or bent grass whereas lynx course is you know the grass i think i'm making sense marum grass when it gets really hot that grass really it's a tight sword anyway but it bakes together so it becomes a lot firmer uh so it's a lot of a faster firmer fiery type of golf course the how's it and this is a bit of a cliche but people say that you know with a lynx course the best way to play it is to keep your ball as low to the ground as you possibly can as opposed to you know a typical american golf course like say well let's just say augusta national where you want to try and play it high through low to the ground as you possibly can as opposed to you know a typical american golf course like

say well let's just say augusta national where you want to try and play it high through the air and drop it and stop it a lynx course is quite different uh very common in the uk particularly here in scotland i think i'm right in saying ireland is something like two thirds of the world's total lynx courses and they are typically used for the Open Championship. And has the temperature ever gotten hot in any of those countries to make that grass clump together? Define hot. I mean, you know, sometimes it gets 22, 23 degrees Celsius.

Oh, it's baggy. I mean, from time to time, yeah. I mean, the Open Championship. You guys must just be sitting around drinking out of fucking coconuts while you play oh yeah getting so balmy up there I think of like classic Opens of the the 90s when you know Greg Norman he won a couple Opens but I think of him at his best and I think of you know Tiger Woods or whoever it might be the the classic Opens are the ones where the fairways and the greens are yellow or brown because they are so burnt out.

Oh, yeah. I remember that. But, again, that's just, you know, that's optimal conditions. That's what you want for an Open Championship. We have a links course here. The weather in Scotland doesn't always lend itself to that. We have a links course at Rustic Canyon. Rustic Canyon.

It's not near the ocean, but it's exactly what you described. I never knew that's what it was like. They just use the natural area. There's no trees. It's wide open. It is really fast. Yeah, and I should say not every Lynx course is by the sea. By and large, that's what they are.

But, you know, you've got Royal Lytham in St. Anne's down in England, in the northwest of England, that hosts the Open Championship. That's maybe a couple of miles from the coast itself. But because of the type of soil because of the the the way it's been laid out it is very much a lynx golf course but yeah by and large if you think lynx golf course think you know nice sea views think something a bit a bit like saint andrews basically when you think of saint andrews in your mind's eye that's a lynx course and is that the oldest course jim said saint andrews was the oldest course in america was augusta are those correct uh so that's a bit of a bonus some contention the old course in st

andrews and the old links at musselburgh and east lothian close to edinburgh that they've fought over who's the oldest for as long as i can remember but the guinness book of world records is given it sent to st andrews because of a charter that goes back to 1552 for a guy called archbishop hamilton that's the earliest evidence of people being allowed to play golf on the links of saint andrews basically that charter was principally a license to allow the archbishop to continue to breed rabbits on the links but it also allowed for locals to continue playing golf, football, shooting, whatever else it was that they wanted. So officially, according to the Guinness Book of World Records,

St Andrews is, the old course at St Andrews is the oldest golf course on the planet. But if you're ever in Musselburgh, just be careful how loudly you say that. So this is the thing about golf, right? There's never been a sport ever made that has needed more equipment. And I'll include fucking sailing, right? It's just, I'll include Formula One driving.

I'm sure those cars have less parts than a bag of fucking golf bag, right? Because, like, so how did it get off the ground to begin with? So you're saying, oh, they could play golf there. So who makes the fucking clubs? And what were they hitting with? What ball were they getting? There was no pro shop. It's funny because club making goes back centuries.

You know, they've been making, it used to be old bowl makers for archers. They started making golf clubs. And that's where james the fourth who ultimately repealed the ban put in place by james the second this was repealed that ban in 1472 57 actually 1457 they repealed that in 1502 when the treaty of glasgow was signed or the treaty of perpetual peace as some people call it which was basically a ceasefire between england and scotland they just agreed you know what centuries were fighting we've had enough of this or the Treaty of Perpetual Peace, as some people call it, which was basically a ceasefire between England and Scotland.

They just agreed, you know what, centuries of fighting, we've had enough of this, we've got to stop. So they signed this treaty, at which point James IV, who was in power by that point, said, yeah, okay, we're going to start playing golf again, you're no longer banned. And he actually was the very first person, who we have documented evidence, who bought a set of golf clubs he got

them from a bowl maker in perth not perth obviously not perth australia but no no no i've got him from there so yeah it was like bowl makers that were making that and then you know as the game became a bit more popular we'll come to the first professional in a second but as the game became a bit more popular these individuals who were playing golf decided to start making the equipment themselves from hickory shafts and you know golf balls stuffed with feathers in fact old tom morris who was in st andrews he's widely regarded as like the grandfather of golf he as a young boy played with a wine cork that had nails hammered into it and you know the legend has it he would go up and down the streets of st andrews whacking at this you know rudimentary golf ball with with sticks so golf club technology has come

a long long way and you're right there's there's obviously an awful lot of equipment that gets used these days uh you do need lots of different parts to play the game but uh yeah I mean they've been making all kinds of golf clubs going back centuries yeah And the oldest course in America is, is it not Augusta? No, it is not. That's another contentious matter. Augusta's actually only been there since the 1930s. It was a player. And they put all that racism in that small amount of time.

The rest of it was built on the racism. The top golfers of, me guess he was he retired at the age of 28 um he and a golf course designer called alistair mckenzie they sort of co-created the course so it's been there since 1930 ish but in terms of what the oldest golf course is in america it's a bit like scotland you know there's a bit of contention over who that actually is the first record of golf being played in the states goes back to the early 1700s at a place in south carolina on a bit of land that was a precursor to what's now the country club of charleston then you've got dorset field in vermont which opened in 1886 that claims to be the oldest

continuously operating golf course in the states most people generally would agree that oakhurst links in west virginia which was designed and built in 1884 that's the oldest but it's not been in continuous operation it closed i think in 1912 didn't reopen until 1994 and i'm not sure that what condition it's in these days because it suffered badly with floods a few years ago. So I'm not even sure if it reopened after those floods. But trying to get anyone to agree on we are the oldest in golf, almost impossible.

Well, I think because if golf, like the oldest thing was in the 1500s, I said 1600 something for the first professional golfer, correct? I think you did, yeah 1640 something right? I don't remember. Okay so what was I think that might have been a good guess. It's the next question as to who was the world's first professional golfer you said Bagger Vance. Yeah in 1640 something. It was not Bagger Vance unfortunately I wish it was but it was actually again a Scotsman called Alan Robertson. He lived his entire life in St. Andrews. He was born in 1815, died very young in 1859.

And he made a living from playing for bets. He would play challenge matches for money. He also made his own clubs, as we touched on. He made his own golf ball and obviously he taught people how to play as well. In fact, according to legend, he was never beaten as an individual when he played for money. But he died tragically young. And then was Alan, I'm sorry, what Alan? Alan Robertson.

Alan Robertson. And what did he die from? Was it haggis related? Was it deep fried Mars bars? What happened there? I'm not entirely sure of the cause of his death, but I would be surprised if it was anything to do with haggis or deep fried Mars bars. I don't know. I don't know if he had an intolerance to them. He may well have.

I'm mocking a lot, but I've spent a lot of time in Scotland. I've been to the Edinburgh Festival maybe 10 times and also toured the place. I love haggis. I get drunk and eat a ball. I love haggis. I get drunk and eat a ball of deep-fried haggis. But this Christmas, I always try to get a different fancy dessert for Christmas. But this year, I am deep-frying Mars bars

for everyone's Christmas dinner dessert. What do you think of that? That's awesome. Sounds good. I've got a deep-fryer ready to go. You know what? I've never tried a deep-fried Mars bar. I've never done it.

You can lie to me. You can lie to Jack. You can lie to Jack. You can lie to Boris. But don't lie to yourself, mate. You've had one. I've had one. I always get the deep fried Snickers because of the panic. You always think to yourself, oh, this is bloody terrible.

But then think about it. Batter, like crispy, around and it's all melted on the inside. Everything fried I've eaten is good. I'm sure the fried Mars bars are've eaten it's good it's a it's a fucking treat and it's just like the guy like on the royal mile there in scotland he won't just the mars bar was the first bar but he's got like you want kick cat he doesn't give a fuck he'll he'll put batter over anything he's just like anything you want i'll deep fry it they'll deep fry a slice of pizza for you i don don't recommend deep fried. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's a local delicacy.

And they call it pizza crunch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They get like a frozen pizza, right? They shove it in the batter. Yeah. And then they just throw it in the deep fryer. Is it any good? It's all right.

Yeah, it's deep fried pizza, man. Wait, what don't you like, Jack? A deep fried filet mignon. They had it at the LA County Fair. It was horrendous. Yeah, no. Why did you go the fanciest meat you meant to go twinkies or like oh we did that as well we're like we gotta try it have you tried the coca-cola no the coca-cola yeah they how do they even do that freeze it they freeze it make it into ice like an ice well then they think and then they

do it and then it's still like a soup dumpling yeah it's like a soup dumpling whoa i want that um i think jim got oh no no birdie you got right in bogey birdie's one under par bogey is one over par albatross he said is three under par and a condor is also three under par but a hole in one and a far four yeah that's what i think that's wrong yeah so you're right with albatross it's three under par uh as i was saying earlier american language has sort of changed some of those terms you might hear an albatross on some u.s golf broadcast as a double eagle but that's categorically wrong because an eagle is two under par so birdie one under eagle two under albatross three under a double eagle would be two times minus two which would be minus four which is in fact a condor not

an albatross a condor is four under par the easiest way to think of that that's a hole in one on a par five but that can't be done there are six recorded instances oh bullshit there's six fucking there's six lies that's what you've got. Because it had to roll. It just kept rolling. Have we got the footage? I don't know. I don't believe we do. But I think that where that's happened, it's been at high altitude. So you find places like Mexico City, for example,

they used to host a professional tournament there. The golf course was about 8,500 yards long. The average for a golf course on course on that on the pga tour would be about seven and a half thousand but because it's at altitude it had to be that bit longer so i suspect those six condors if they did happen would have been at high altitude yeah because i saw there was some there was some tournament bryson de chambeau hit uh maybe two or three years ago and it just kept rolling it It went down the car path, jumped back on, and then just kept rolling.

And I think it was like 560 yards at the end of it or something. But that's how it would have to happen. You need car park. You need to just keep rolling. It's like that day we played at the quarry, and the wind was just blowing our balls. Then you need a duck to pick it up and fly it a bit. Yeah, that's why it's called an albatross.

There's a lot going on. You need a condor. Because the condor picked it up. Flies it in. Yeah, I played with the country club adjacent guys one time, and Griff Pippen got an albatross on a par 5. Whoa. I've seen it.

Nicely done. That's really hard to do as well. I mean, in the major championships, there's only ever been 18 albatrosses ever recorded. Four at the Masters, three at the US Open, eight at the Open, three at the PGA. So they're really, really hard to do. I've literally gotten about eight or nine birdies in my life.

I can remember every single one. And there's that other one that they hit across, Bryson and a couple of them hit it across the lake in Florida. That's a par five, right? Yeah, so that was at the Arnold Palmer Bay Hill Invitational. Bay Hill was Arnold Palmer's home club, and they have an annual PGA Tour event there. So going back a couple of years, Bryson, when he still

played on the PGA Tour, he's now jumped ship for live. But when he played on the PGA Tour, he went down this route of trying to bulk up and to see if, you know, by becoming bigger and faster, if he could translate that into much bigger drives. And yeah,

it was the sixth hole i think at bay hill he almost drove the green but again he's cutting the corner there it's over water it was a proper dog leg he didn't quite make make it onto the green but you know he came pretty close it was it was cool to watch the crowd like that yeah i remember that crowd is big business in golf now as well yeah so who creates the rules for golf? Vladimir McAndrews, McTavish and Angus McDonald. I don't think that's wrong.

They all work together. Yeah. Vladimir McTavish. I've not heard his name since the days of the stand comedy club when I used to go there. So Jim's quite right. He's a Scottish comic. Vladimir McTavish. Hey, if you're listening, man.

Scottish stand opinion. But yeah, if you're listening, man. How you doing, brother? But yeah, the rules of golf, there's two governing bodies. There's the RNA, which is a derivative of the Royal and Ancient Golf Club of St. Andrews. And they were established in 2004. And they look after grassroots golf across the world with the exception of two countries the usa and mexico who are looked after by the united states golf association or usga between them the rna and usga work together to administer golf at all levels and to ensure the health of the game to look after growing the game but they also look after and create revise the the rules of

golf and then etiquette that's just some people made that up right that's just a etiquette is just i i think that's basically been agreed upon by various golf clubs you go to some of them and you know the older private clubs will give you a list of do's and don'ts you must wear this you must do this you must let people through if you're holding up pace of play and yeah over time that's just become a generally accepted way to behave on and around golf courses but there's no specific rules around etiquette you wouldn't get like a a shot penalty for example for poor etiquette right right right right and and okay, so the movie Happy Gilmore, right? Okay, you know how, like, he got the crowd to cheer before he hit?

What, I've never understood this we all have to be silent thing. What, I reckon, just have some noise. What do you reckon? Yeah, I mean, you know, there are some players who quite like having a bit of noise. You go back to the Ryder Cup, i think of 2012 at medina europe playing the usa i think of bubba watson when he's about to tee off usually the crowd would be shushed and told to be quiet and bubba just turned to him and went no come on make some noise and he g'd them up and he teed off to like this deafening volume ian poulter for europe then did exactly the same so

by and large you're meant to be quiet and respectful but if a player wants you to make some noise, then I think you should make as much noise as you possibly can. And same with the fucking tennis, man. Yeah. Tennis just let rip. Yeah, every other sport's loud as shit. Yeah, yeah.

Except tennis and golf. Yeah, yeah. We pick these two sports, but he's being quiet. In soccer, there's chants the entire time and like taunting our players. Yeah, you're a professional athlete. Yeah, you can taunt at players. Yeah, you're a professional athlete. Yeah, you can taunt.

Yeah. Yeah, and stuff like that, yeah. How many clubs are allowed in each player's bag? Jim said 17 per round. Almost. 14 is the maximum that's allowed. That was incorporated into the rules back in September 1939. And before that, it wasn't really uncommon

to see a lot of players show up to compete in tournaments with more than 30 clubs in their bags and eventually the governing bodies decided like that's that's far too many so they imposed a limit for basically three reasons one they wanted to try and preserve the the skill element of golf so the the fewer clubs you have you know the or rather the more clubs you have the the greater the likelihood is that you can pull off more shots or escape from trouble and all that sort of stuff so they wanted to try and preserve the skill they also wanted to ensure a level playing field in terms of access to golf equipment because wealthy players could often afford to buy more clubs than the less well-off people.

And finally, to look after the welfare of caddies, who were regularly at that time carrying bags weighing more than 20, 25 kilos. So they decided, you know what, let's just settle in 14. It's not entirely sure how they arrived at 14. Presumably, the top golfers of the day were having conversations about what they thought was an appropriate amount, and it just became a rule after that. But yeah that's almost jim let's jump ahead the caddies then well what weird clubs did they have in their bag they let them get up to 30 they had them all if you think of like the eyes for example they've all got different lofts so their faces set at

slightly different angles so they would have had ones set at 45 degrees, 46 degrees, 47. And I think people just decided, you know what, that's ridiculous. Too many, yeah. Let's stop that. Yeah, the poor caddies. So that's why I wanted to jump right into the caddies real quick. How much is their job, first of all, and how much do they make? Jim said they make you feel like a moron.

He made $10. If you're going to cover up Tiger's infidelities, you get $12,000. Yeah. They want you to miss the cut. They make about $4,000 a day. How do you do there? Yeah, so different rules for different caddies. The very top players like Tiger Woods, for example,

his caddy would be on a salary. The general rule of thumb is that a caddy would get around about 10% of a player's earnings over the course of a week. So yeah, if a guy makes a million dollars by winning a golf tournament, his caddy's walking away with 100 grand. So that's the general rule of thumb. Not every player sticks to that. Some are more generous, some are considerably more stingy. Some will look after their caddies in terms of their hotels expenses, their travel, others won't. Some caddies in terms of their hotels expenses their travel others won't uh some caddies are stuck to one player for a period of time until the player decides that it's not working anymore or wants a change and fires them other caddies kind of just hang around the tour hoping to get

a bag every week you know one week they'll be caddying for one guy the next week they'll be caddying for somebody else but yeah the the very top players Rory McIlroy Tiger Woods guys like that Cam Smith they all have full-time caddies. So they want them to make the cut then because they're making 10% right? Well yeah I mean if you don't make the cut you're not making any prize money and you know 10% of nothing is nothing I guess so yeah so the cad's interest for the players to be around for all four days, or all three days on live, for example. And they really know, because I know, I was, yeah, they really know golf

really, they're probably good golfers themselves, right? They have to know all, and they have to get there, like, two days early, right? Or three days early, or to the tournaments? Yeah, so PGA Tour, DP World Tour, DP World Tour was called the European Tour, but for sponsorship purposes, it's now the DP World Tour. They, before live came along European Tour but for sponsorship purposes it's now the DP World Tour. They, before Liv came along, they were

the two main men's professional tours and they would be 72, for the most part 72 whole stroke play events every single week and those tournaments would start Thursday, around each day conclude Sunday. Players would usually spend Monday travelling and Tuesday, Wednesday are for

getting to know the course, for practicing, for working on some stuff with our coaches or whoever it might be. The caddie would usually spend Tuesday or the Wednesday scoping out the golf course, taking lots of notes in their yardage books and basically figuring out exactly the strategy for the player to play that week. Not just the places to hit the ball but equally the good misses. So if their player is struggling with let's say a little bit of a slice at that moment in time or they're blocking it right a little bit too much then they'll say right on the law of averages they may hit their ball here that is a safe miss if they hit it to this spot. So it's all I mean I

think carries are pretty heavily underrated. Most people think they just carry the bag and, you know, have a quiet word in their player's ear, a little pep talk when they need it. But the work they do is really, really detailed. And it's basically they carry the bag, but also give the player all the information that they need in terms of exactly where they are on the hole, exactly where they need to hit the ball, allowing for things like slope differences and wind direction and so on,

the moisture in the ground, to give them everything they need to make an informed decision to execute the shot that they're capable of. In fact, Bryson DeChambeau, we were talking about earlier, at the Open Championship at Carnoustie in 2018, he even had his caddy spritzing his golf ball on the driving range with water out of a

little uh you know one of those little um spritzing guns to simulate dew in case he got an early morning tea time so yeah they're the unsung heroes really caddies yeah and that that getting back to happy gilmore he should have been paying that guy 10 he shouldn't have been homeless by the end of the movie he was still homeless the whole movie yeah he didn't he didn't win many tournaments yeah but he was even if he's making

the checks for 10 grand he should be getting a grand yeah but he he liked being homeless nah I think he was trying to keep all that money for his

grandmother's house to buy it back he wasn't giving him any of the 10% did the caddy not move in with happy at the end I'm sure that

I don't know but he was still homeless he was like picking up crackers and the lady from modern family family looking fine yeah julie bowen yeah and the grandma going into the house and look how do you look fine um i've jumped ahead here again too the major championships jim said the masters the australian open the us open the arab golf with greg norman you're like one of those maybe two are right yeah arab golf with right. We've got two out of four.

So the masters and men's professional golf, there are four major tournaments. You've got the masters, which is played every year at Augusta national. It's the first in the calendar. So it's played in April every year. And it's the only one of the four majors that is played at the same venue every year. So Augusta national golf club stages this event. The second one in the calendar is in May and that's the US PGA Championship or PGA Championship that's administered by the PGA of

America and that goes to various different courses on a bit of a rotation it used to be the final one of the season but to give the PGA Tours end of season finale its place. They moved to a new place in the schedule. So they're now in May. June, you have the US Open, which is governed by the USGA. That's generally regarded as the toughest of the four men's majors. And I think it's really because the USGA historically

has had a bit of an obsession with par as a winning score rather than an average score. So they do lots of things to their golf course in terms of how they set it up to make it brutally difficult you know really narrow fairways thick gnarly rough lightning fast greens and yeah generally you see players struggle to to shoot under par and under par winning score there is both rare and extremely impressive. Again, they go in rotation. And the final one of the year is the Open Championship.

Not to knock our friends in the States, but you guys might refer to it as the British Open. It's not. It is the Open Championship. And with the exception of two editions that have been played in Northern Ireland, every year since its inception in 1860.

It's been played either in England or Scotland, mostly Scotland, and it's the oldest and arguably the most prestigious of the major championships. That's where players play for the claret jug. So yeah, you've got four men's major championships. You also have five women's, which broadly follow the men's insofar as you've got a women's open you've got a u.s women's open you've got a women's pga and then you've got two other events one which it's kind of lazily being referred to as the women's masters it's not it's not played at augusta national but it's a bit of an outlier it used to be played at the same venue every year but this year it moved to a new venue in texas and is now known for sponsorship

purposes as the chevron championship previously a and a inspiration craft nabisco and so on and the fifth and newest women's major is the evian championship which is played every year in france and that was a regular tour event but was elevated to major status about a decade ago so there's five in the women's game, four in the men's game. You also have senior majors for players who are age 50 and over, but they're not as important. I know, but I didn't include the women. Sorry, thank you for doing that.

The women, Forrest wouldn't have included the women. He's very sexist. Very, very rude. I think that women's golf attire is the sexiest of all sporting clothes. I'm putting it up there. I would say above fucking just wear it. Field hockey? Above field hockey.

Above just swimsuit beach volleyball. There's something about a pleated skirt, the shoes, the little collared thing, and the visor that floats my boat. I like it. No starting to see you play your late playing golf, Jim my boat. I like it. Well, you're starting to see why you're late playing golf, Jim.

No, I am. I only ever play with men. I never play with women. A couple of times. What are the best men's uniforms? For sports.

Okay, see, this is what we think. So, women's golf attire is the best looking sporting attire. Men's golf attire

is the worst looking sporting attire. Yeah, some of the worst shirts I've ever seen. All in the same sport, we're fucking up something and we're making something brilliant, right? Best for men's I'm

sure there would be, like if you have the right physique, I think women like the AFL outfits that the men wear in Australian rules football because they got their arms out. They're always like jack guys with arms and they wear little tiny shorts. But I've heard the women like the AFL. Yeah, they wear little itty-bitty shorts.

Put Warwick Kappa shorts and you'll see how you're meant to be wearing. That's how an athlete should dress. Oh, yeah, those are short. Yeah, yeah. Wow. You want to have that for you want to have you want to have one testicle hanging out one leg yeah and one testicle hanging out the other leg and then you jump up they're good for jumping the smaller the shorts glam rock haircut

yeah he's from the 80s i just work warwick as an example he's from the he's from the early 80s early 90s and michael you think i mean i i've played golf with women that are, like, amazing. They're not even pros. Some of them maybe used to be pros. Forrest was paying for them by the hour. From 150 yards in, is there any real big difference in professional golf, men's and women's? I know it's, like, the drives is the big. What is your opinion?

Yeah, it's the club that you're hitting, basically. I mean, you know, from 150 yards, a guy like Tiger Woods is probably going to be hitting, let me see, like, nine iron pitching wedge, something like that. I just mean competitive-wise. Like, there's not going to be a big difference. Like, the best female golfer

and the best male golfer on the tours, once you get close to the hole, you're all playing, you're all doing the same thing. Like, it's not going to be a big difference. Like the best female golfer and the best male golfer on the tours, once you get close to the hole, you're all playing, you're all doing the same thing. Like it's not really. Yeah, exactly that. In fact, it's sometimes said that, you know, for amateurs like us who are wanting to get better at playing golf, the best example to follow are the top women's players

as opposed to the top men's players. We can't possibly hope to emulate the the speed and the the athleticism of somebody like Rory McIlroy because he's on a completely different level but the women tend to play with a a much better rhythm which is a bit more aspirational but even then I mean the the top women are so so good they're so much better than the the average guy you quite often see on social media you'll get this guy rock up and go yeah I play off a handicap of three I could easily play so much better than the average guy. You quite often see on social media, you'll get this guy rock up and go, yeah, I play off a handicap of three.

I could easily play an LPG and I'd win it every week. I'm like, mate, no. No, you wouldn't. You'd probably be last. Yeah, but why is it that whenever I play crazy golf or mini golf, depending on what country you're from, and I've been taking women on dates to do this since I was about 14, I always win. Now, that's pretty close in.

You're talking about goofy golf with a woman that's not a professional golfer? I'm talking about professional golfers. The women I've taken can never get it in the fucking clown's mouth, I'll tell you that much. They always have to hit around the windmill. I'm talking about professional golfers, Jim. I'm just saying. It's close in.

Do you date coordinated people? No. I've never dated a woman with a job so charitable different different types of play stroke play match play jim said stroke play is handoffs crazy golf win or lose by stroke and then match play is matched by holes and stableford is using the handicap what are all these different kinds of hand jobs for the homeless yeah so stroke play kind of there i mean stroke play is just essentially the the person with the lowest score over whether it's 18 holes 36 holes 54 72 the person with the lowest score for the number of shots that they hit wins so you know i don't know like 69 68 you know that's going to be two or three under par if no one else beats that you win but you've hit 68 shots to get there that's nine match play

that's not so much about the golf course it's player versus player so for example jim if me and you're playing a golf course you finish the hole in four shots and i finish it in five you win the hole so you would be one up on me i assume this is a par three and you hit it into the water because that's the only way that would work out so you have match play lesson there are so many different versions of golf you've got bingo bango bongo oh bingo bango bongo oh yeah killed the radio how do you play bingo bingo bongo yeah it's a decent one killed the righty yes how do you play bingo bingo bongo so that's a game that can be played by a group of two three or four players basically bingo bingo bongo awards a point for three different types of achievement so you get a

bingo point that's who gets it on the green first you get a bingo point and that's who gets closest to the pin once all balls are on the green and the bongo point is for who holds out first at the end of the round the player with the most points wins bingo bingo bongo i like that one yeah you know what game i like i like when we play wolf because you can still be last in the league and you can still win Wolf. Do you know Wolf, Michael? Yeah, you get that. There's a lot of different betting games like that but, you know, Bingo Bingo Bongo

is pretty popular. Stableford though, Stableford's outwith stroke play and match play, Stableford is like the number one, you know, scoring system that you've got and basically it's an alternative system that was invented in the late 19th century by a guy

called Dr Frank Stableford he used it for the first time at Glamorganshire Golf Club in Wales in 1898 and then it was subsequently used in competition at a place called Wallasey Golf Club in England in 1932 rather than counting the total number of strokes

taken, Stableford gives you points based on the number of the strokes that you've taken at holes. So for example, par, you get two points. For a birdie, three points. Four points for an eagle and so on. The good thing about Stableford is that basically you can have an absolutely horrific score on one hole and it doesn't matter a great deal because You get one point for bogey and zero points for double bogey or worse So you could have a 15 on a hole and stroke play that's awful It's gonna ruin your day, but in Stableford, it doesn't matter so much so the objective is to try and have the highest score, which is quite unlike other traditional golf scoring methods. And a slightly modified version of that is used once a year

in the PGA Tour at a tournament called the Barracuda Championship. That's the only event I can think of off the top of my head that does use stable words. But yeah, stroke play is the most popular. It's the most frequent on the tours. Match play would be for things like the Ryder Cup and Solheim Cup, President's Cup. And, yeah, after that, at amateur level at least, you're talking stable court. And then Jim said handicap.

We talked about that as calculated strokes, average strokes of your scores and stuff. The slope rating and stint meter. Slope rating is basically the measure of a golf course's difficulty relative to a bogey golfer so that somebody whose handicap is between 20 and 24 versus a scratch golfer who plays off zero slow operating it's really quite involved in detail and a bit dull so i won't go there but essentially it's how hard of course yeah yeah it uses this algorithm to assign a course rating of between 55 and 155 the higher the slope rating the more difficult the golf course is going to play for a bogey golfer

a course of average difficulty would have a slope rating for example of 113 augusta national which hosts the masters has a slope rating of 148 and Pebble Beach 144. So, yeah, bottom line, it's just measuring how difficult the golf course is. What do you believe is the greatest golf course on earth? Because everyone always says Pebble Beach or Augusta or something like that. Like, what is the golf...

If you had to play one golf course and you die, you explode at the end of the 18th hole, which course is it? That happened in April when I played Augusta National. But you exploded on the 18th hole. So one of the cool things about going to the Masters and covering that is that all accredited media can put their name into a hat and on the Saturday they draw out, I think it's either 24 or 28 of the 500 people there.

They draw them out of a hat and on the Monday morning after the tournament finishes, you get to play the golf course under Sunday conditions. So yeah, this year was the third time that I've been and I got drawn to play it. It's always been a lifetime ambition for me to play Augusta. It was the one that I wanted to. It was also the one that I figured I probably never would. Yeah, it was absolutely mind blowing. But the problem is, it has kind of ruined golf for me because I've only played twice

since then. The first time I played was at my home club. I walked off after 15 holes because I was just a bit bored. It's like, this isn't Augusta National. And then the second time was at a work event in England in May. Same deal. I managed to complete the 18, but I'm going, you know, this isn't as easy as...

That's like when I had sex with Christy Brinkley in the 90s. Yes. Ever since then. Yeah. It's been pretty hard for me. I can't... I just try to have sex with other people. I'm like...

Where did you have sex with Christy Brinkley? It was backstage at a Billy Joel concert where Billy Joel was on stage. She was still married to Billy Joel. During Uptown Girl? I was singing along to Uptown Girl. During Uptown Girl, I had sex with Christy Brinkley backstage at a Billy Joel concert.

What a story. How have I never heard this? I don't like to kiss and tell. It ruined me for sex for all other women. Because I remember three weeks later, I was having sex with Elle Mac women. Because I remember like three weeks later, I was having sex with Elmick Furson. I was like, this is bullshit. Yeah, because there's no music.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's still hot. Oh, no, Billy Joel was still singing in the corner. That's a whole other story. That's a different podcast. It's cocaine. Tune in next week, folks. That was true, though.

That's how Billy Joel met Christy Brinkley. He used to date Elmick Furson, and she said he was a good guy, and then fucking that's how that's how billy joe met christy brinkley he used to date elmick furson and she said he was a good guy and then fucking that's how he met christy like well done billy like for every kid who's ever wanted to stop piano lessons i want you to hear that story let that really resonate billy joe was having sex with elmick furson he breaks up with her to date christy Brinkley. That's some good piano playing. And singing. Piano man.

Let's see, we did that question, we did a stint meter. Liberace could have fucked any woman he wanted. He was that good. He didn't want to. That's how you know

that homosexuality's a real thing. Liberace. Liberace, he could have had any woman he wanted. He could have probably he just wanted Matt Damon or whatever that movie was I've never

segued from that into what is a stimp meter so this is going to be a really underwhelming answer now after that yeah a stimp meter is basically used to determine how fast or slow a green is running so when you hear someone say the green is stumping

at 13 that means it's running at 13 feet and the the device itself looks like a bit of a funny looking ruler and it's laid on a flat piece of the green and a ball is put in a little latch at the end of it it's slowly raised and then when gravity kicks in the ball releases rolls down the and then runs out eventually coming to a full stop you can repeat that process three times then go to where the balls have ended up and repeat it three times from the other way the average of those six balls how far they travel is the the stump reading so yeah if it rolls out to an average of 13 feet then the greens are stumping at 13 isn't it basically just so that people have

a better understanding of how fast or slow greens are from one week to the next isn't it easier just to go out there and hit a few balls and then you'll know you'd think so yeah what is the gym it's always worked for me we've never checked the stint meter but yeah i'm sick of carrying me stint meter everywhere with me uh the greatest golfers ever. We didn't ask who won the most majors, actually. Jack Nicklaus, 14. Tiger Woods, 12. And then there was Cathy Ireland. Six of those were awake as well.

Yeah. Maybe both those will fall. Under the stimp meter. Almost right. Jack Nicklaus has won the most majors. He's won 18 of them. Tiger Woods is second most with 15. I wasn't far off.

Pretty close. not bad. But the question about who's the greatest of all time again, it's a subjective thing, it's going to be opinion. People will say that, well, Jack Nicklaus has won the most majors, therefore he's the best golfer ever to have played the game. Others will say

Tiger Woods because of the barriers he had to break down and the quality of golf that he's played, the way he's transcended the sport. It's impossible to say, you know, categorically, but I quite like what Gary Player said. And he said that Jack Nicklaus is the greatest champion that golf's ever had, but no one has ever played it as well as Tiger Woods. It's between, you know, one or the other, I guess. Yeah. Because, I mean, you know, they weren't yelling racial slurs at Jack Nicklaus, I don't think. He was a golden bear. How hard do you think it was for him?

Did you see any other golden bears out there? The man was an island. Speaking of which, I had sex with Kathy Island. Oh, wow. Story keeps going. Good segue. And, yeah, I don't know what else. Oh, I feel like Jack Nick nicholas he says all the right

things but i think way deep down inside he's happy that tiger's not gonna break it of course i would think who wants to have their records broken you know it was funny like for for so long i'd like to see what tiger was going to do it and 2008 i remember he won the u.s open that got him to 14 and he completed that tournament, so it went to an extra day, so it was him and Rocco Mediate an American golfer they tied after 72 holes the way the US Open was at the time, the playoff

was an extra 18 holes the following day, they were still tied after that, so they had to go to a sudden death playoff, I think Tiger won it after 91 holes that week but he was seriously badly injured he did his knee ligament he had a stress fracture he wasn't in good condition coming into it so that wrote out the rest of 2008 and a good chunk of 2009 for him 2009 thanksgiving weekend the sex

scandal happens the aura that tiger woods played with this you know almost unflappable unbeatable specimen suddenly people started realizing yep he's human after all and yeah that that was kind of shattered it was never the same he's subsequently had so many injuries it's untrue so he went 11 years without adding to his 14 majors he finally got that the 2019 masters but even then i think people knew like it's it's three more just to tie jack it's four more to overtake him a lot of guys the most the majority of golfers will never win one major to try and win four you're talking about having a career not unlike you know what seve balesteros had you know

one of the greatest players ever he won five majors so everyone kind of accepted you know probably about 10 years ago tiger wasn't going to break the record which it's too bad because i mean we all want to see some cool stuff happen and as i say we all figured it was going to happen but uh yeah not to be all right and then the last question was, what is live? Jim said Arab Golf with Greg Norman, and it was called Live and Let Die, but then they shortened it to Live. And then I sang a song. I know.

You've got to get the answer properly. About half right. Arab Golf. Live Golf. Arab Golf. Arab Golf. It's the new kid on the block, I guess. So it's funded by the Public Investment Fund of Saudi Arabia,

and it is trying to create an alternative tour for players to play on so unlike the pga tour and the european tour which have a schedule of events that are mostly four rounds 72 holes lives come along and it said right we don't want to have that we're going to have 54 holes instead so just three rounds and you know tell you what, players can wear shorts if they want to. You can't wear shorts in the PGA Tour. They're like, nope, they can do that.

Yeah, but that's a country of people who wear pyjamas every night. So rather than players teeing off on the first in a sequence, they have every player tee off on the hole, sorry, on the golf course at any one time. But some will tee off in the second and finish in the first. Others will tee off in the third,

fourth, fifth, sixth, and so on and so forth. So there's always a player teeing off on the golf course. It's a bit controversial for a number of reasons, not just sporting, because they come in with so much money and they've prized a lot of the PGA Tour's most valuable assets away,

such as Bryson DeChambeau, Phil Mickelson, Brooks Koepka, Dustin Johnson, Sergio Garcia. It's taken a number of these players away from the established tours and claimed them for themselves. The tours themselves, the PGA Tour and European Tour, have reacted very angrily to this. The PGA Tour has banned any player

that's gone and played on live indefinitely. And yeah, I guess there's also some geopolitics involved as well with saudi arabian funding you know the public investment fund is one of the the largest sovereign wealth funds in the world there's there's not much that they can't buy there's rumors that they paid phil mickelson 200 million just to join that dustin johnson got roughly the same so players were enticed with massive, massive checks to go and play on that. I'll join for two.

You and me both. I'm there. You're saying I'm not 1% as good as those other guys? Yes, I'm saying that. My scores are within fucking 20 shots of them. I don't think you're 1% as good as any of those players. He's funnier. I'm only 30 shots off them. I don't think you're 1% as good as any of those players. He's funnier. I'm only 30 shots off them.

I'm 30 shots off them. You're 30 shots off them on easy courses. 30 shots off them. Playing from the, not the forward tees, but the middle tees. I want 1% of what they've got. 1% and I'm only 30 shots different. And I can improve. They're not going to get better for us.

They're not going to start shaving loads. They're at their peak. I'm not at my peak. You're not 30 shots get better for us. They're not going to start shaving loads. They're at their peak. I'm not at my peak. You're not 30 shots different, all right? Over the course of four days, you would be plus 120. Some people get their kicks stomping on a dream. Those guys can't play wedding tune for shit. You know I'm going to change my tune when I'm playing live golf in June.

Plus 130. That would be your final weekly score. In two days, you'd be plus 70. Two. That would be your final weekly score. In two days you'd be plus 70. Two million. Think about that. I've been on TV. I'm TV ready.

Look at him. Liv, I'm waiting for your call. You're removed. You take the Saudi money? Fucking. He took Barry Clinton's.

Yeah, and I'll put fucking cigarettes on the side of my golf bag and it'll say underneath for kids strawberry flavor all right oh and it's called will i take the live money i think i've taken money in saudi arabia before what is asking whatever hillary sends me when i was making the jim jervey show and hillary used to send me the money wherever she got the money from and I assume

there was just some terrorists who just gave it to her probably right so wherever Hillary Clinton sent me the money

and she definitely sent me money because I'm not joking they used to send Hillary Clinton used to send me an envelope every week

on the Jim Jefferies show and I used to I was a puppy came with her panties remember it wasn't the money it's Hillary Clinton panties in it wasn't the money it's hillary clinton panties in there yeah stop trying to joke around i'm trying to say something serious

sorry so wherever the clintons my friend the clintons word up hl that was a secret oh boy um oh yeah it's called live because 54, right? That's why? 54 holes? 54? Pretty much, yeah. The company that basically founded Liv on behalf of Golf Saudi is a company called Performance 54, but yeah, 54 holes as well. I don't know if it's related, but Greg Norman was born in February 1955, so conceived in 54.

Don't know if that's got anything to do with it but I suspect not yeah I don't think that's how it works no it's 54 holes so it's 54 I don't think Greg Norman went I was conceived in 54 yeah maybe it's like I was conceived in 76 yeah there'd be

too many holes yeah 76 would be too many holes. It's not my, like, if I, yeah, 76 would be too many holes, yeah. All right, now it's time for our show. And I was conceived by Greg Norman. Dinner party facts. Ask our expert to give us a fact obscure interesting they can use to impress people about the subject.

What do you got for us, Michael? Claudia Schiffer. Had a text with her as well. So Jim actually hinted at this earlier on, but the late Kim Jong-il claimed to have shot the lowest round of golf ever, ever scored. It was 1994 when he was 52. He was playing at Pyongyang Golf Club, which is a golf club in North Korea. And he claimed to have carded a round of 38 under par, which included 11 holes in one on the 7,700 yard championship course at Pyongyang

not only that it was his very first ever round of golf wow listen there's no video evidence of it but North Korean state media said it so it must be true he also invented the cheeseburgers that's pretty cool is that what they said really yeah? Yeah. That's what he claims. He created it. Why? There you go. I didn't know it was his first round of golf. He's really good. What was his second round like? Beginning of his life.

He fell off a wheel. He retired. He hit a 45. 25 over. Pathetic. Well, if you want to hear more of Michael talking about golf, listen to his award-winning Bunkered podcast. You can find everything on bunkered.co.uk. It's on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, TikTok, YouTube,

threads, everything you can find. And also follow him on Twitter or X, whatever the kids are calling it today, at mmckewandgolf. Thanks for being here, Michael. Pleasure. Loved it, guys. Thank you very much.

Keep up the good work. Thanks for being on the podcast, brother. We appreciate it. Well, you know everything about golf now. Everything. Nothing new yet. So if you're a student and you're sitting at home and you're like,

should I write my thesis on for university? Yeah. We've just done it for you. Yeah. Just transcript this. Turn it in. Transcript this. Take the part out about fucking christy frankly probably i mean no i was gonna say leave that i don't you say i made love we made love sorry fucking oh and then she'll like she's like you know he'll be busy for three and a half minutes. That's the one the song is. And I went, I only take two.

Wow. You want to take us out? If you're ever at a party and someone comes up and says, Jim Jefferies had sex with Christie Brinkley, go, I don't know about that. And walk away. Good night, Australia. Jim Jefferies comedian, not Jim Jefferies.

The football manager definitely did it. That's who you're talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Good night, everyone.