I Don't Know About That - Hemorrhoids

Episode Date: August 15, 2023

Jim and his proctologist Dr. Allen Kamrava discuss the many issues with Jim's ass. Jim's new special "High & Dry" is now available on Netflix! ADS: ShipStation: Go to ShipStation.com and use code JIM today and sign up for your FREE 60-day trial.

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Planets. How are they all different? You might find out. I don't know about that. With Jim Jefferies. Hello, everyone. I should wait for the song to finish. Hello, everyone the podcast i'm jim jeffries welcome to the i don't know about that podcast uh the normal crews here i'd have to introduce them if you got to this many episodes

you know who these people are um the the planet thing i ran out of ideas plant because countries and continents that always when someone goes that's a continent and that's a country and you go like, like, they call Australia a continent, but then you're like, are we including New Zealand in that? I don't even know what's going on. You've been on vacation, you know, it wasn't your best work. What do you want? Yeah, I've just been on vacation. Now, normally, we introduce the guest professional later on the podcast, but we have someone sitting with us right now.

And I would like to guess, but I was the person who brought in this person. I have not read up or whatever. This is Dr. Kamrava, my proctologist. It is. Hello. I mentioned Dr. before on different things. I've talked about my hemorrhoids at great length. Yep.

He's seen them. He's seen them at great length. I've talked about them hemorrhoids at great length. Yep. He's seen them. He's seen them at great length. I've talked about them on talk shows and podcasts. Your doctor knows almost as much about your asshole as all your fans do. On first dates during my marriage, I've talked about all these things. And anyway, so I went in to see Dr. Kamarava. I'm pronouncing that right, right? Dr. Kamarava.

And I went in, and he had his finger up my ass, and he was poking around, as you do. That's the job you've chosen, sir. There's nothing you can say about it, right? Dr. Cormier. And I went in and he had his finger up my ass and he was poking around as you do. That's the job you've chosen, sir. You can't, there's nothing you can say about it. Right? So you're in there and then you said,

I saw, what show was I on that you saw? It was Conan. I was on Conan. He goes, I was so excited. I saw you talking about me on Conan. And he's poking around

and the thing and he goes, I've always wanted to be part of a stand up routine didn't you? I haven't actually done a stand up routine I'm all but there I think you've talked about how you poo, you gotta shower

I had that bit where I had to push my prolapse back ass back up in my body when I was teaching hang cart as shit so I have mentioned hemorrhoids but I haven't mentioned the doctor's visits as such. I think you mentioned your surgery. Oh, I've mentioned the surgery in many podcasts.

That's where I was going under, yes. Because Dr. Kamarava did a full surgery on me where the anesthetist, just before I went under, said that her boyfriend was my biggest and then I passed out. I was in turmoil during the whole, because the chances of her,

she didn't sign any non-disclosure of her not going back to her boyfriend and mentioning my lumpy asshole is slim to none. Oh, there's a Hippocratic oath, right? I don't know if that applies to anesthesiologists. No, I don't think they have to do it. No, they don't have to. Anyway, so I had a full surgery

and now I go into the doctor and he bans me. But we'll get to that in a minute. Before that, I've just come back from Hawaii. I'm about to go off to Australia to film the game show. To all the people who are coming on the game show, I'm very excited about filming this season. You're there now. Well, to the people who are on the game show, I'm very excited about filming this season because the show was popular.

So when you do a first season of a game show, people are on and no one understands the rules and you have to... All the time people are putting their hand up like this, going, what? And I'm like, you've been bamboozled. You know what I mean? So now everyone will know the rules.

So hopefully that'll make my life a little bit easier. Well, I think you're used to it now too. I'm used to it as well. I've had Jack watch every episode. How did it go, Jack? It's a great show. Jack's had to make a reel of my best bits because I'm trying to get a different job, right?

I'm still... To Channel 7, who's given me this job, I'm still keeping this job. An additional job. Yeah, I just... Someone was looking for work, I was just putting a reel together for something else.

And so I said, Jack, you've got to watch all the 1% Club, which I haven't watched. How did it go, Jack? I watched seven episodes. And I got to, I think it was episode six, I was doing really well because I was guessing along with everybody. It's a really hard show. It's a very hard show.

It's not easy. That's the thing I was saying is like I watched one of the episodes you sent me just because I wanted to see it and see it and stuff. But I just ended up like... I'm just so focused on answering the questions that I'm just like... A lot of people write to me and they say they love the show.

Would you stop yelling? We turn the volume off. Because in this game show, Doctor, I have the questions behind me on a big screen. I am so inconsequential to how this game show is played. The contestants can sit and read and hit their keypad. They don't really need me there. But I just sort of interfere and dick around.

There was one episode where you said, give them a rally on the drums like five times in a row. The editor should have cut one of them out. Give them a rally on the drums. Give them a rally on the drums. That comes from Sherman's boxing tent in northern Queensland where they would get these bloody...

My dad, if you read my dad's autobiography, which one day we should read on the podcast on our Patreon, because it's only 16 pages. Oh, yeah. It's a doozy and it ends when he's 15. It's extremely factual. Yeah, it's extremely factual.

There's no fluff. Every meal is in there. You've got to's no fluff. Every meal is in there. You've got to act it out. Every meal is in there. He has theories on different things that went on. He reckons that one school had a whole lot of Aboriginal kids playing for the team that didn't have birth certificates, and they might have been 19 beating up 14-year-old kids.

Wait, why does that happen when he's 15? Oh, because he goes, it gets a bit dark after that. I assume something, some uncle did something after that. I don't know what happened after that. But then it gets real dark after that because he meets my mum. So that's sort of when he dies. So he sort of ends his whole thing. But no, he talks about going up in the outback,

but he talks about going to this boxing tent in Queensland that would travel around to the small towns this is roma queensland and they would just have boxes standing there and then they would go who here wants to fight my boy who he was and drunk men who had no medical check or anything like that would put up their hand and go i I'll have a go. And if you last three rounds, you got yourself like a case of beer or 300 bucks or something, like not much. And people would all come in and they'd watch the local blokes try to punch the professional blokes, right? Yeah, they'd all lose.

Yeah, but they were good pub fighters or whatever. No, I'd watch that. Yeah, I hear you. I would go to that. All day. If they had that in Studio City, right, in Studio City,, they put up a tent where the local guys from the pub got drunk and came and fought professional fighters. You would watch that all day, right?

But now we have doctors getting it. You get in the way of everything, the medical people. Anyway, so as the guy would come, as the guy would come to the ring, the guy would go, give him a rally on the drums, and a bloke with a big drum would go, bang bang bang bang and everyone would cheer and there'd be all sawdust on the ground i don't know why there was sawdust there was well now that's what that's from yeah yeah oh so people don't really know what that's from oh no no no no you have to be an 80 year old australian to say this because i've heard you say that a million times yeah yeah

no i'm just saying it because my dad says it yeah. And I didn't know that was from that specific. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give a rally on the drums. Give a rally on the drums. Well, I think there was a lot of, I think that was a popular term in the 1940s in Australia. But as I said, no one my age knows what's going on. And I've just, I tell you what, when you introduce someone, you go, and there's Susie, and she's from Marifil. Give a rally on the drums, everyone.

Everyone just claps. Yeah. People know what to do. When you say, give a rally on the drums, they're ready to go. Well, save the rest of that for the Patreon. Okay. We'll read some. Oh, yeah, we can read the whole book.

I reckon we should get going on the podcast. Yeah, well, real quick, you've got some shows coming up. Oh, yeah. We just added dates as well. Well, right now, what's on your podcast? You have Hartford, Connecticut, and Providence, Rhode Island, August 25th and August 26th. And then you're in Canada starting in September 7th.

Thunder Bay, London, Canada, Hamilton, Ontario, Montreal. Montreal, we added a show in Montreal. Show number two. Added a show in Thunder Bay as well. Sudbury, and then Kingston, Ottawa. And then you'll be here in Southern California, Thousand Oaks, Anaheim, and then Oakland. There's a bunch more dates, too.

There's a Vegas in December, I believe. JimJeffrey.com. And I booked in some more Vegas's for next year, Vegas. I'm coming nonstop. Vegas. And then I go to our Instagram it's still growing what is it IDCAT podcast

it's been three fucking years it's still growing learn the Instagram handle way more people listen to this podcast than they're on that Instagram so get on there and follow the Instagram review us although there is me

dancing with my boobs up there. I didn't even know we filmed that. That was very exciting. There you go. That came to see me. I was excited as well to watch that.

That was such a great clip. I'm glad we had it. And we have a live podcast August 29th at Flappers here in Burbank. And so tickets are already on sale.

They might... Yeah, I mean, it's going to be next week or something like that. We announced it and I know they said before we even put the name of the podcast.

It just said podcast and they had people buying them already before they even knew. So, if you haven't bought your tickets when we do that, It may be too late

to get tickets, but go try and find it. It wasn't really sold out, was it? Oh, yeah. They were already buying tickets before it said

the name of the podcast on it. It said podcast and then Josh there told me, he goes, oh, we're already selling tickets. What, my name wasn't even on it? No, but we had announced it on here the date so people were guessing that must be the podcast on it. It said podcast and then Josh there told me, he goes, oh, we're already selling tickets. What, my name wasn't even on it?

No, but we had announced that on here, the date, so people were guessing like that must be the podcast. Oh, I thought people

were just dead into podcasts. I don't care what it is, I'm there. Yeah, let's do it. I hope it's Mark Maron. So check that out and see if there's tickets left,

but we are planning on doing more, so just stay tuned and listen to what we're doing. So yeah, let's get to our guest. All right. I'm going to introduce him. Introduce him.

Dr. Alan Camrava is here. Thank you. Dr. Alan Camrava. Would you like me to call Alan for the day or Dr. Camrava? Alan, all right. Now it's time to play. Yes, no. Yes, no.

Yes, no. Yes, no. Judging a book by its cover I'm going to Okay, I have to guess Just by looking at you What your occupation is I'm going to guess

By your well-manicured hands That you're a proctologist Not a hangnail in sight Because every now and again I let a nail grow out there Look at them Look at them Do you get manicures?

Do you go for it? No, but I do have nail clippers in my office yeah yeah you don't want you don't want it to get out of hand and you don't want to leave one of those ones that just dangling off the corner and then do something and then you pull it back out you go geez it's gone um so you know the topic apparently proctology yeah well hemorrhoid we're going to talk about hemorrhoids. I mean, proctology. Because the rest, look, I'll tell you one of the benefits of the hemorrhoidal person. Dr.

Kamrama has told me that my prostate is of a good size. You know how you might need to get your prostate checked. You're too young. You don't have one. I need to get mine. Yeah, I'm 50. Yeah, but you might have to get, I don't have to get it checked. I've got fingers up my ass all the time. Yeah, I haven't ordered. Mine's being checked on the

regular no prostate care to hear my friend i i thank you hemorrhoids you saved the day what do you call it order for the thing to drink i gotta do the i gotta do the bowel prep yeah yeah i gotta do the scope i'm doing the scope and what yeah bowel prep yeah you had to just drink that fluid no you've done that yeah i've done that had to just drink that fluid no you've done that yeah i've done that i'm not looking forward to that i've done that too fun night so you can also find that on patreon yeah i'll be doing that one of our new sponsors um i'm gonna here let me give uh dr alan kamrava a proper introduction um he's already an expert because he's your proctologist on hemorrhoids but uh i went through a few proctologists before i got to him he's your proctologist on hemorrhoids. I went through a few proctologists before I got to him.

He's the best. He is a board-certified colorectal surgeon and proctologist. He is part of the associate teacher faculty at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, actively working with medical students, residents, and fellows. He's also published many books, journals, as well as speaking at several international conferences. And you also have a degree in business. But if you want to tell us just a little bit in your own words, like how you got into this

and what led you to this and a little bit more about Jim's asshole. Yeah. How much about your asshole can you? Is that just for Patreon? No, you can talk about it all you want. No, it was- That would cover the black hole episode.

When I was in training, that's where you pick what you wanna do. There's a lot of different cancers and you find that most of the cancers, they do these big surgeries and people still just, it's like they either make it worse or extend it. Colon cancer is one of the top three cancers and the surgeries we do actually is curative.

I was like, I'm going to do these big surgeries on people. I want to actually cure them at a high number. And then you become the expert on the anatomy. And so most of the people who go to colorectal, it's about the cancer and all this stuff. And then day to day, you deal with all the other little things. Do you find that the... I'm just trying to weave in a joke that I already do.

Do you find that colon cancer doesn't get enough research money? No, it gets good money. Oh, that fucks my joke up. Sorry, it does not. Absolutely not. it doesn't get as much it doesn't get much money as breast cancer does it uh i'd have to look but my guess is no no because breast cancer with all the pink bad that's because no one wants to buy a brown ribbon with red spots on it you should have just done the jokes i knew the joke and you're like

no okay anyways let's keep going with the podcast. But it's pretty frequent. People, while I'm actually doing the scope, they'll say, how did you start doing this? Yeah, yeah. Why did you get this? I get asked all the time. Well, I tell you what. I know why. Because it's the ass.

So people get, you know, because of the thing. But I'd rather that than being a dentist and looking at people's mouths. I agree. You know what I mean? Yeah, mouths are the thing. But I'd rather that than being a dentist and looking at people's mouths. I agree. You know what I mean? Yeah, mouths are, yeah. Yeah, I'd also prefer it to the eardrum. Yeah, I don't mind ears. When they go in and they do the scrape thing like that

and then they pump water into it, it's just as uncomfortable as a finger up your ass. I'll tell you that right now. Nose is a dream. Nose is gross. Nose, you can look up noses all day. No, no. By the way. What's your order of holes to

put your finger in? Vagina? I was just doing your body. But all right, they continue. I don't know what you were going on so my own holes yeah

I thought you meant looking at other people's holes you can all holes all holes on the human body he's the type of doctor that just does exams on himself

I don't mind ears I'm really I have like do you go to the doctor going I know a woman who's got a bad vagina doc I have a thing

that I bought that's a camera that goes in your ear what and you can look at on your phone and you can like get like ear wax out and stuff there's a little tiny scoop on the end that sucks off and you get because I have like a that I bought that's a camera that goes in your ear. What? And you can look at it on your phone and you can like get like earwax out and stuff.

There's a little tiny scoop on the end that sucks off and you get, because I have like a lot of earwax buildup. You have an app for your earwax? Yeah,

it's like, it's a thing that looks like a pen and I can stick it in my ear. You've got a whole app for it. There's my ear. I'm like, I'm going to take it out.

It's like Bluetooth. Ear number one. I made an ear. Ears are easiest. Then nose. I want to go look, butt last. I'm it ear. Ears are easiest. Then nose. I would have looked at butt last. I'm not a big butt fan. So you're putting ear and nose over mouth.

Yeah. Mouths are gross. Mouths are easy to put your finger in. I thought you meant which ones I would like to look in. No, just where do you like to put your fingers first? What's your finger i didn't know any of the questions okay let's start over again first is used to asking the questions on this podcast i do a lot of this i like pick i don't pick deep in manners but i go like these little like on the edge yeah i go right deep yeah so i do that probably more than my mouth

and then my ear and then my mouth i don't put my finger in my mouth a lot it's gross and then so your ass did last i don't put my finger mass ever mouth a lot. It's gross. And then, so your ass did last? I don't put my finger in my ass ever. Yeah, but if you had to? Yeah, last. So you'd prefer that over your penis hole? Oh! Gotcha. Idiot.

Now, put your finger in your penis. I mean, it's not really a hole. It's sealed up. It's not sealed up. It's a hole. Mine seals up. Mine goes like that, like the ketchup packets. And your asshole doesn't seal up.

It just stays open, does it? All right, let's get to our guests. We're going to answer questions. By the way, I should have promoted this earlier, but you mentioned cancer. I'm doing a benefit for International Myeloma Foundation. Jim's done a bunch of them. He's doing it again.

We're against it. Yeah, yeah. August 30th at the Improv. So there's another show you can go to. Jim's going to be on that with some other good comics. So anyways. All right, so I'm going to ask Jim a series of questions about hemorrhoids. At the end of that, Dr. Kamrava, you're going to grade him on his accuracy through 10.

10 is the best. Kelly's going to grade him on confidence. I'm going to grade him on et cetera. We'll add all the scores together. And then 0 through 10, butt hurt. 11 through 20, butt head. 21 through 30, butt. I digress.

I got to tell you, Dr. Kam's camera but he's got a lot of jokes around he's he's got superheroes all around his practice with like different funny names so he would be the the man of stool and it'd be superman what's batman bat stool bat stool and he's sitting on a toilet taking a shit yeah did you make these Did you make these? No, they're all online. So every room has just funny photos. Ah, okay. Yeah. Dead poo.

Dead poo's a good one. Dead poo's there. I like dead poo. Dead poo's funny. Saw this picture of a superhero shitting. Yeah. There's a market for everything. You know, when we were in, I want to say it was Lisbon or Barcelona.

Barcelona. There was this one store I pictures it and it was just this little character just taking a poop with a pile of poop underneath it and then in the store it had every famous person you could imagine in the world yeah I have one of those in my car yeah I don't know what that's about I have John Lennon shitting Barcelona's into it I'll sign ya send me a link yeah okay Jim what are hem to say that to you. Send you a link. Okay, Jim, what are hemorrhoids?

Hemorrhoids are varicose veins of the channel of the anus. These are the biggest words you've ever used. I'm so proud right now. Yeah, it's the biggest words you've ever used. Of the anal. Yeah, of the anal canal. The canal. Okay, here's one.

Spell hemorrhoids. Okay, so H-E-M. Yeah. Now there's an I or an O. Hemorrhoids. Hemorrhoids. H-O-M-O-R-O-I-D-S. Yeah.

Hemorrhoids. No, put another I in there somewhere. Another I? I can't spell. I can't spell. I know. That's why we threw it in there. It's fun.

It's a hard one to spell. I watch Spelling Bees on ESPN. I get high and watch them. That's a good time. like small kids just get up like that it's fucking unbelievable these kids can spell one second um my internet disconnected what's the wi-fi here the no more mr wi-fi correct okay um it's yeah mine's not connected either yeah i can't take notes okay now i think i'm connected okay great um what are types of hemorrhoids like name some different types of internal external

uh piles i don't know the different types i i just have internal and external okay what are some common causes or risk factors that can contribute to the development of hemorrhoids if you push too much when you poo you don don't have enough fiber. Also, genetics always play a part in everything. My mother was a big hemorrhoid sufferer. And then when I got my first one in my 20s, she just looked at me like, ah, yes, yes. Carried on the family legacy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Other risk factors is bad diet, of course, will do it to you. High blood pressure, I assume, will do it to you as well. I don't know that for a fact.

Describe the symptoms associated with hemorrhoids and how they may vary depending on the type of severity. The symptoms, a light feeling of glass sliding down your colon until it reaches the end. It feels like a rock is just being dragged down the whole thing, but that's just poo going past the hemorrhoid um uh and then your prolapsing of your arsehole is another that's a big symptom that's when you've left it a little too long oh yeah uh and so so that'll be uh a grape-like thing hanging off your arsehole uh that is that is throbbing. Blood is a sign. Now, what you want from your blood is you want a

bright red blood to mean it's in the intestine. It's right towards the end. If it's a dark blood, it means it's deep in your intestine and that could be cancer or something worth worrying about a bit more. So you want a nice bright red hemorrhoidal blood also i think and this is a controversial opinion i think that hemorrhoid blood has its own smell but that's just me when i do a bloody hemorrhoidal shit i'm like i can smell that before i stand up what's going on there trying not to vomit right now too much detail but uh you know too much about this yeah yeah yeah but do you need any more symptoms how are hemorrhoids diagnosed by healthcare professionals? Like what methods?

They haven't improved on the finger, Forrest. To quote the doctor from Cannonball Run 2, I seldom need more than this. Okay. Right? Have you seen that? I haven't had a long time with Cannonball. Okay, so in Cannonball 2, right?

Cannonball Run 2? In Cannonball Run 2. So in the first Cannonball Run, I believe that Dean Martin and Sammy Davis Jr. dressed up as priests in the first one. Yeah, yeah. But, and then, oh, no, this is, okay, so Dom DeLuise and who's the,

Burt Reynolds. Burt Reynolds, yeah. Burt Reynolds decide to be ambulance drivers so that they can get through traffic on the Cannonball Run. That's going to be their big thing. They just turn on the sirens and they get through but they need a doctor so they get this alcoholic guy who just keeps on injecting himself with medicine in the back who's had a few minutes

and his big quote is he pulls out his finger for every exam and goes i seldom need more than this deep cut man what cut that is a deep cut no i haven't finished okay so so what was the question use finger you got it your finger is the way to do it what, so what was the question? Finger, you got it. Yeah, finger's the way to do it. Finger up the ass. What is the medical term for bleeding from hemorrhoids? What is the medical term for this? During or after a bowel movement?

What's the medical term for it? I think they'd name it after me by now. They'll call that a Johnny Cash ring of fire. Which grading system is commonly used by medical professionals to categorize the severity of internal hemorrhoids? Grading system. Grading system. The metric system, I reckon.

You go in centimeters, millimeters. Like, you don't start off with an inch, big one. You go, this one's half a centimeter, one centimeter. Metric system. Can hemorrhoids be mistaken for other medical conditions if so yeah yeah it could be mistaken i reckon it could be mistaken for some types of cancer or an enlarged prostate or something like that there could be or or warts i've had one of them on me ass as well oh god just went away doctor was going to burn it off that was back that was way back in the early 2000s it was a different world kids um you talked about this already what lifestyle modifications can help

alleviate hemorrhoid system well this is the thing is i'm meant to take metamucil all the time or fiber or fiber gummies or something like that and then i was away in europe and i ran out of fiber and my hemorrhoids flared up again because i didn't have a metamucil and they didn't have it in whatever country we're in and i was just like in the pharmacy like this I just need Metamucil and like they it was like Barcelona it was like maybe oh yeah we did get it though I remember that it was Portugal or something I was having remember Adam found the fiber for you yeah I got these I got these real official looking fiber tablets from Lisbon that were just like they just looked like they had like sawdust inside a capsule there was nothing much going on but here in the good old united states of america which i'm proud to be a citizen

of i'll tell you that for sure we have uh we buy metamucil yeah and we take that is that is that the question sure so so you get more fiber in that lifestyle modification less pushing less pushing i think and this is I hope my wife doesn't, I think my, because you shouldn't sit so long in the toilet, right? And so you should do your poo and move on with your day and you shouldn't push too hard, right? And I used a squatty potty for a while, which you have one of those.

They're like a plastic ring you put around the toilet. I think they sold on podcasts for a while. Anyway, you're not meant to push. What was the question again what lifestyle changes i think you're good no no no i was going i was going somewhere with this modifications because i believe my hemorrhoids got worse after the last child was born because i was going to the toilet just to get to some relief right i was just like sick of the family and i was just going i'll go to the. I was sitting in there for like 30 minutes

just so I could have some of my own time. Because that's the only time no one really bothers you is when you're shitting. Yeah. I don't think you have to worry. If she listens to any episode, I don't think it'll be this one.

She'll turn off already. My mother-in-law, Becca, who I adore. Hello, Becca. She listens to this podcast and she will know and she'll tell my wife I think about the time that you talked about how your hemorrhoid blood smells a lot of people turn this one off yeah might have a dip in numbers well you know my mother-in-law

is funny because she brings me up and she goes why don't you do that Smartless podcast with Will Arnett and Jason Bateman and Sean Hayes? And I said, well, and she goes, they've had guests like Paul McCartney. And I'm like, I think you just answered the question. Yeah, the guests are massive. Yeah, like I actually play Call of Duty and we play baseball with the producer of that podcast is one of my very good friends. Yeah.

And he knows. He's got your phone number. Talk to him on the reg. I know Sean produced my sitcom for NBC that never saw the light of day. They know you exist. Sean's been to me house. They know where to find me, smart people of smartness. Get on it.

Are there any medical conditions or factors that may increase the risk of developing hemorrhoids any what like any medical conditions or factors that may increase the risk i think being in porn would increase it i think that's a workplace sometimes when i see the asses prolapse because i know how hard it is for that to stop happening and what you need to go through I'm not masturbating at that stage I'm like leave the poor girl alone She's been through enough

I'm going to jump around here real quick I'm going to say porn And or You know just anyone who takes up the bum a lot Probably has more issues The doctor can correct me or not, but I believe that dicks in your bum aren't good for hemorrhoids. The question was, are there any medical conditions

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Go to ShipStation.com. Use the code JIM. Use it today and sign up for a free 60-day trial. That's ShipStation.com. Code JIM. And anal sex levels. What I'm going to do is I'm going to... I'm not saying it's not enjoyable.

I'm not saying you should never do it. It might be your thing. And I'm not saying it's a sin. I'm'm not saying you should never do it. It might be your thing, and I'm not saying it's a sin. I'm just saying for hemorrhoids, not the best. If I was a gay fellow, I would have had to retire my ass years ago. Okay. Hear that, smart list? Have Jim on.

We have a bunch of questions left, so I'm going to skip through a couple of them, and that way we can start talking to the doctor, because you clearly know a lot about this. But let me see. I don't ask him as we're going. Oh, what is thrombosis in the context of hemorrhoids? Okay. So deep vein thrombosis is when people sit like, I know that's not what you asked, but I'm going to work laterally backwards, right? So deep vein thrombosis is when someone sits in an airplane for too long

and they get a clot in their vein. So I'm going to say that thrombosis is a clot in the vein of your rectum okay i'm gonna ask you two more questions then there's questions i will ask you we'll come back to because i know you're gonna know the answers how do hemorrhoids impact bowel movements and what can be done to ease discomfort during bowel more crying than usual is one of the things uh it makes it harder to you know because's more, just painful is the real thing. It's not like you do it and then there's like a dent in the side of the turd that's the shape of the hemorrhoid. You know, it's not like anything like that. The poos still look variably the same, but

blood in your poo, blood in your stool, I'll say stool, just try to be medical and more painful when you poo. blood in your poo, blood in your stool. I'll say stool. Just try to be medical. And more painful when you poo. Okay. And then here. In the... I'm going to ask this question up here. I'm sorry, I'm jumping around. What are possible complications associated with untreated or severe hemorrhoids?

Well, this is something that I've always thought they could become septic, but they never have. I've always wondered why I have an open wound in my asshole that shit will pass by. Shit will pass by and it won't get affected. But if I cut my finger a little bit and don't wash it regularly,

it could become pussy. I'm glad that it doesn't. Well, you're not rubbing your asshole on things in the environment, though. It's still shit, Kelly. I know you're not rubbing your asshole on things in the environment, though. It's still shit, Kelly. I know, but it's your own. I would wonder if maybe that has an effect. Look, I don't know.

I'm just glad it doesn't happen. Don't get me wrong, but I've always wondered why this can't be the biggest. Because I've always thought when you touch a door handle or something like that, you wash your hands, wash your hands with soap

and all that type of stuff. You have shit around your asshole and we just get a bit of paper and give it a bit of a wipe down, and we go, and that's that. So what are the complications associated with severe hemorrhoids? Could become septic, prolapsing of anus. I'll tell you, this is a complication that doesn't look as pretty as it used to. I'll tell you this is a complication that doesn't look as pretty as it used to I'll tell you that

now when I have a massage if I'm not wearing a towel I try to keep my cheeks sort of close together so if they're rolling me over or anything I don't want to see anything I don't want to show it to anyone it's not a presentable arsehole anymore ok two more questions what are the non-surgical treatment options available for hemorrhoids

good you can ask good you can ask. Good you can ask. Well, what I've moved over from the surgery, because I went back to the young doctor over here, and I said, Doctor, I think I need surgery again. And he said, We're more into rubber banding now. And so what he does is, you know those, now you might correct me, but they look like, you know those ones that people have on their braces?

Yeah. Like that? He gets those, and he gets like a gun that has like a scooper thing, and he puts it around it, and it chokes it off. Now, the problem is when you do that, it presses up against your prostate, and for like two days, you feel like you need to poo nonstop. Very uncomfortable. Do you know the name of this procedure?

Rubber banding. Okay. Last question. In the THD procedure that Jim had performed... Rubber banding. Okay. Last question. In the THD procedure that Jim had performed. Rubber banding. Yeah. I don't even know what THD stands for. Maybe. Thick, hard, dick. Yeah, that's it. I got it. You don't even need to be your doctor. In the THD procedure that Jim had performed, how many bundles of hemorrhoids are typically tied off? procedure that Jim had performed

how many bundles of hemorrhoids are typically tied off I think one at a time I think one at a time but I think I had three done at once but there might be

we call them I call them piles because there's loads of them but I don't know if we use the term piles some people do I've heard it yeah but I use the term piles

okay so Dr. Kamarava thanks for sitting there and listening to Jim talk about his butt yeah I'm sure he used to it. I think.

How did Jim do on his knowledge of hemorrhoids? Zero through 10. 10 is the best. He's 68%. Yeah, not bad. 6.5, 6.8 even. I'll give you a 7 there. Round it up.

How do you do on confidence? 10. 10, 17, et cetera. Zero. Butthead. All right. I just didn't want to say the top one again. I didn't like it. All right. What are hemorrhoids? 00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00,00, So they're just that. They're varicose veins in the butt. Just like you would think in the legs. Yeah. Just that part.

And why do they get big? Constipation, pressure, taking your phone into the toilet. Yeah. Cancer is one of your later questions. Too long in the toilet. I don't know if I've ever had hemorrhoids. That's why the Hello Tushy, man. That'll fix it for you.

Yeah, I use that all the time. So it's one of those things. Everyone has hemorrhoids, quote unquote. But we've never fixed the... I don't want to get too boring. It's of those things. Everyone has hemorrhoids, quote unquote, but we've never fixed the... I don't want to get too boring. It's a comedy show. But basically, the original surgery for hemorrhoids, they just took them all out

and everyone became incontinent. And so then they realized you need these little veins to help keep... It's about 20% of our ability not to basically shit ourselves is these veins. Oh, they used to remove them? Yeah, they used to... It helps you tighten the...

It just gives a kissing touch. Is that why after the surgery I've followed through on more farts in the last eight years than normal? Probably. Yeah. Yeah. And then... I've followed through on more farts.

That's such a funny way to say it. We never probably updated terminology because we used to think they're just bad. Yeah. It should be like hemorrhoids, which are normal, and then varicose hemorrhoids. Yeah, inflamed hemorrhoids. So we need the hemorrhoids. So hemorrhoids aren't bad, but they're inflamed.

Hemorrhoid rage. Yeah, a puffy one. But it's the same thing. It's like people get varicose veins. My father got varicose veins in his legs because he used to sit with his legs crossed all the time in the morning and eat his breakfast. Yeah. And then he got them, and now he sits with a big wide

man's bread yeah I don't even know what varicose veins are someone's legs they're all that's just that's just the same thing they're just they're inflamed and yeah yeah my legs yeah my asshole is like the back of an old lady's leg do they serve an important function in the legs yeah I mean they return the blood down from the barn. We have lots of little veins, though. They make blood trouble. I know, but, like, I guess I was...

Do our legs need blood? No. It wasn't about blood. I was thinking of, like, more of a... Like what the hemorrhoids do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I meant something more than that. They don't keep your legs taut.

That was already the most interesting thing. I didn't even know we needed hemorrhoids. Like, that was already, we're good. I mean, this gets to the thing. So veins are the most passive, weak part of the body. Just they're weak. So the legs, it's weird. The blood goes through the legs because they're muscle squeezed.

And it just, as you move, it just, the muscle squeeze and just pressure pushes them up. But what keeps them from coming back down is you have these little valves so the blood comes down and hits these valves and it can't go back down and so just with time the valves break and so if they break the blood just pulls so veins have no capacity themselves to do anything but be passively and so as they weaken they just got it yeah huh too Yeah. Too much? No, no, it's good. It's what the podcast is about. I said it every time, my asshole. How do you spell hemorrhoids? I don't think Jim got it right.

I mean, I still spell check myself. It's H-E-M-O-R-R-H-O-I-D-S. That's correct. H-E-M-O-R-R. Two R's. But literally to this day, I still spell check it. Even I could say it, I'm like, eh, it doesn't look right. I always mix up the two M's with the two R's.

I always forget the second H. Yeah. It's okay if we misspell it, but yeah, if you misspell it, you're like, yeah. How would you know? What's some slang words? Pile is used a lot. Piles.

Piles. We just say roids. Buttids but grapes no just roids what but what but grapes my ones are always about the size of a grape well they say grapes you don't want to think of graves you put those yeah yeah yeah i got it but wait they're that big oh yeah i have i have ones that you can hold like this like real are gyms the biggest you've seen? No. But I have sizable ones. Yeah, good ones. Yeah, yeah, I have good ones.

These are called fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no. Look, I still get on with me life. Yeah, yeah. Since I've known you, I've known about your hemorrhoids. I could be on a medicine, if they found some like the Ozempic for hemorrhoids, right? Some injection you'd have.

They would have me picnicking and throwing frisbees for the dog. I would do those adverts tomorrow for free if we got rid of the hemorrhoids right some injection you know they would have me picnicking and throwing frisbees with a dog i would do those adverts tomorrow for free if we got rid of the hemorrhoids what are the types of hemorrhoids jim said internal external piles yeah i accepted that i mean there's basically internal external typically i think it's when one of the other questions they'll do grade one through three okay and the grades are just by symptoms actually like you know people we each have our pet peeve which is like ocd i get ocd when a physician says on exam grade three or grade one because grade one just means they're there but doesn't know grade two is comes out after a bowel movement and then comes back goes up on its own and grade three is it falls out when you take a shit and

it's unless you stick your finger up, it doesn't go back in. I have those. I've had those. I don't have those at the moment. I've got a grade two at the moment. I've got no grade threes, and I've probably got some grade ones. That seems terrible. But at some stages, I've had plenty of grade threes.

I've had ones that have gone through so many grades, they're graduating high school. You've got a PhD. PhD. Yeah, my one's wearing a formal dress. Jack gets them. Mine might be twos, maybe. Maybe ones.

You've never had to push them back? No, I think mine are external and just like bumps in and go away. Is it genetic with you? I don't know. You could ask. Not a conversation. We're not related. No, not you.

I'm not with your family. Ask your dad, Jack. I'm not your family. I think my mom has them. Not a conversation. We're not related. No, no, you. I'm not with your family. Ask your dad, Jack. I'm not your family. Yeah, yeah. I think my mom has them. Yeah. Damn.

She definitely does. Outed on the podcast. Outed on the podcast. Yeah, your mom listens to the podcast. She's like, fuck! I kept giving that a secret for years. I had one thing with that. If I could get up right now, I'd be so angry.

I had a thing one time where I was like, I was washing my butt as do and then I felt something near the my butthole that I thought was a hammer but I wasn't sure it might have been right is it gone now yeah yeah I was probably a little hemorrhoid yeah but it didn't hurt but it ran out of the room and it was about six foot tall I thought I was like, but I had touched it. This is like a year or so ago. And I was like, oh, I guess that's a hemorrhoid.

And it was there for like two days. And then it was gone. I was like, it must have been a hemorrhoid, but didn't hurt. And then I was like, in my head, like, oh, I'm dying or something. One of my pet peeves, and I've heard this about three times. Not even a pet peeve, just a small peeve. Is when I'm watching stand-up comedy. That's it.

When I'm watching stand-up comedy and That's it. When I'm watching stand-up comedy and someone talks about their hemorrhoid, and they've obviously just had their first hemorrhoid. And I'm sitting there and there's some guy on stage like this, and then this thing came out, dude, and it was like the size of my hand and my pinky. And I'm like, all right, princess, calm down. That's every day for me, mate.

So my question is if I had that again where I could feel it, was out for a day or two i'm supposed to put it back in no you can leave it yeah yeah it literally sounds like you're talking about a dog my one day or two was hungry i had to push him at one stage i had to push him it was like it was it was on one side it's not like it's both sides. It's one side just goes out. It's a prairie dog. That's the name, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Prairie dog. Yeah, have you ever seen like an animal with a prolapsed ass? That'll give you a good sort of. No. Okay, because that would be probably the best image to start with. Yeah, no, I've got Google. Go get a horse with a prolapsed ass or something. No, you don't have to.

Prolaps last asshole animal. Okay. The police. It looks like the lips of a woman from Beverly Hills. Oh, my God. Turn it off. This looks like a Vienna sausage coming out of this. Okay, let's get back.

What are some common causes or risk factors that contribute to the development of hemorrhoids jim said you push you are when you do genetics bad diet high blood pressure yeah it's pretty good i mean pressure blood pressure probably less push too hard yeah just bad genetics constipation so it's the kind of like he just he just pointed his badge pregnancy for oh yeah we had we had We had a question here on pregnancy. I didn't get to it. Well, not all the pregnant women, but all the pregnant women in my life,

and I'm sure they're happy. They don't listen to the podcast, but they both got them. And once again, I heard them talk about this small hemorrhoid like they were living in World War II at the height. You know what I mean? I'm like, you don't know.

Yeah, but they're also pregnant. There's a lot of other things. Oh, you had other problems yeah and other problems but i've had toilet bowls i swear to god i've had toilet bowls where if you didn't know what was going on you'd go that person has days to live if you just looked at it you go we've seen the picture with the olive that's not even the worst one. Oh, yeah, my body doesn't digest anything. Could that be... I just...

Have you showed him the olive photo? I shit out a whole olive, Doctor. That's pretty cool. And a chip, like a large french fry. And an olive. And they just came out. Like, I eat like a duck. Like, I take a couple of mouthfuls...

Doctor Cameraman wants it for his office, you know, on the wall. Put it up next to the superheroes. It's not a duck. I take a couple of mouthfuls. That's what Robin wants for his office, on the wall. Put it up next to the superhero ass. It's not a good one. Will you autograph it? Yeah. It's a devastating looking picture. It's so good. It's terrible.

It's so funny. So if you're pregnant. If you can tell me the date, Jack, I can find it for you. Otherwise, it'll take me too long. You were in Australia. Just search Olive on your phone and I'll pull it up.

Olive? Yeah. You reckon that's how it works? You can search in photos. If it Olive on your phone and it might pull it up. Olive? Yeah. Yeah. You can search in photos and- If it can detect the olive, then everybody who's never seen the picture will at least believe the story. Search like Armageddon.

Why you're looking for that? So women that are pregnant get them like always? Is that- Not always. So women typically get it during pregnancy and then they're good. And men in their 40s usually because they get their pot belly, so the weight of the belly. Yeah, you're telling me.

But genetically I'm pretty good. I'm just really out of shape, so eventually it will catch up with me. But I've had everything tested recently. And pregnancy, it's the same way they deal with it the same way, right? My toilet didn't come up. Other things came up in the toilet let's go diarrhea we can move on there uh ask the next question then um describe the symptoms associated with hemorrhoids and how they may vary depending on type and severity jim said glass passing down you're sliding down your colon and he's pooping prolapsing, a grape thing hanging out of your ass. I need to read the rest of the team.

Wait, does blood have a different smell? I think it's blood mixed with poo, you see. It's got its own thing, but blood definitely has a smell. Yeah. So those are all symptoms. I mean, yeah. But what's interesting is people get used to, right? It's weird, and no one knows this.

Why are we comfortable with our own shit smell? Yeah, I always want to have farts. You walk in in someone else's bathroom and it's like, fuck. And so people really know when their bowel movements are off and they're like, something smells like shit now. Yeah. Yeah, why is that? I thought you were going to give us the answer.

No, we don't know. I'll relish my farts. And then if somebody else farts, I'm like, that's disgusting. We do this fun treatment for fun, but interesting treatment for people with some infections will actually take someone else's shit and put it in their belly as a treatment. This is called a fecal transplant. Kid you not. Treatment?

It sounds like a punishment. No, it's a treatment. I think we talked about this on the gut health episode for some reason. Yeah. So it's fecal transplant. It's for like these infections and they're trying it for other things but the one universal thing everyone says is my farts stink now yeah because it's somebody else's smell so they you put the poop in the where just right up i mean there's different ways but typically you just need

you eat it for us yeah they started by having people eat it uh poo tablets no and now they have tablets but the first one what do you mean okay tablets? No, now they have tablets, but the first one... What do you mean? Okay, wait. Yeah, they have tablets. Now they have tablets. Talk about the original. What would they have before tablets? The original, they'd put a tube down people's throat.

You ever seen two girls, one cup? Shit. Gut health. That got to you? Oh, man. That video was just too much. You know, the first time I saw that, so we were... How many times did you watch it? I could only watch it 10 to 15 times it was too much yeah i put some people at ease while he's

gonna figure out their eyes we're doing a case at two in the morning and the nurse comes he goes you guys got to see this video it's amazing and we're waiting the patient's being put to sleep puts us in another or and i don't even know how the hospital didn't firewall this thing puts this video on I'm like nothing else to say it was in the or I gotta tell you something okay so that's what happens in the medical world you do that in a comedy writers room in LA will all get fired because it is met yet they're doing it for met you know research purposes I might have been writing a joke. How are hemorrhoids diagnosed by healthcare professionals

and what are the methods used for evaluation? Jim said you can't approve on the finger. Cannibal run to. You forgot the scope. I seldom need more than this. Ah, the scope. The anus scope. You hate that thing.

There's an anus scope? Yeah, he puts things up. Why do you hate it? Do you have to stretch it? What do you mean, why? I hate all things up my ass. I know, but you're awake for an anus scope? Yeah, he doesn't put me down for these rubber bands or anything.

So you spread it. Just a little tiny scope. Do you put your eye up to it? What I do is I look at the dead poo poster or the bat poo or whatever. I look at the posters and think, it's funny, and try to think of happier times. You've got to have a good manner as a proctologist because I went through a few.

I had this one guy who wasn't bad, but he went to Vietnam and he had a few Vietnam stories he'd tell me. That was like, I thought. Like war stories? I thought, I don't want him having flashbacks right now. And then there was another bloke who was just, he had no bedside manner. Yeah. Dr. Camerava.

He, mate, you have a lovely time. He sticks his finger up your ass with so much care. I also have small hands. Yeah, much care. I also have small hands. Yeah, small hands. He does have little hands. Small hands is important, huh? I tell you what, that fucking Donald Trump, after he gets done, if he wants to do some community service.

He's got little hands, I never noticed. What? That's like a stereotype of Donald Trump. They make fun of him because he's 6'4 and his hands are miniature. You've never heard the theory that Donald Trump has little hands? It was like that and his hair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like when people do Halloween outfits,

they put little hands at the end of suit jackets. I didn't know that. I just didn't. So Shaq couldn't be a proctologist. Shaq would be bad. Shaq was... Except if you'd want to be his proctologist, it'd be easy. You'd be like, you don't need a scope or anything.

Just look inside. Okay, so Shaq, when I was in Hawaii last last week shaq was also in hawaii at one of the resorts no i didn't see him i didn't see him but each night the news was like shaq was on the bench that was like because local news in hawaii is pretty tepid stuff i love it yeah anyway so but there was this one thing where everyone caught video footage of Shaq. All the kids came and jumped in the pool around Shaq. And then they were beating him up and he just had them all hanging off him. He's the best. And then he acted like he died and they all carried him out of the pool,

all these little kids. And I'm like, Shaq's a cool celebrity. No, he is. Because I can't act dead in the pool and say, kids, all come and carry me for fun. There was a... He does... I mean, he is. Because I can't act dead in the pool and say, kids, all come and carry me for fun. There was a, he does, I mean, he goes around, he's always, like, almost every day he's paying some, like, you know, he goes to the jewelry store

and pays people, like, if they're putting, like, down payments on an engagement ring because they can't afford it, he'll do, like, stuff like that. And he does all this real charitable stuff, like, where he just buys, like, you know, but also it's like, I remember there was these kids playing basketball and, like, some neighbor, Karen or whatever you want to say called the cops on them and the

cops were really cool they came out and they're like look we know you're not messing around whatever but we just had to come out anyways and then shack went to that town with the cops and played basketball with these kids and stuff like does stuff like that he's like he's a fun celebrity man yeah he's a good guy plus his hemorrhoids would be massive yeah that's what i'm saying you think i'd have to have them bend down or he could just be like stand there all right all right so i i need to ask for someone i i okay so oh god she'll be very angry if i mention this i'll just do it because you know who i'm talking about you didn't think about too long my wife my wife my wife clogged up a toilet on holiday wow that's pretty impressive yeah yeah

she's tiny. Yeah. I say it's because she used too much paper. She said it was a real big poop. I mean, she only weighs like 70 pounds. Is there any shit that's... Because that means that the shack would be clogging up each toilet he sat on, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I believe it's paper usage.

My wife, anything... If she goes into the bathroom, there's just towels and... She's such a little person but she produces so much waste her being clean it's unbelievable right is there a that can clog a toilet in your experience i know you're not a plumber but you can't be big enough to do that yeah but they're they're a jurassic park what was it that jeff goldblum says that's one big pile of yeah it's like you're emitting out of the yeah yeah because your wife's tiny do you not for you guys have too much toilet paper usage arguments often because it's like pyramiding out of the... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because her wife's tiny. Do you guys have too much toilet paper usage arguments often?

Because it's funny that she would rather admit to doing a massive shit than just using too much toilet paper, so you must have asked her a lot. No, I said to her, she goes, it's clogged up and we had to get someone... Oh, she'll be so angry at me. This will get back to her. You know, I'm gonna... This is how we pay the bills, honey. Anyway, so,

so it clogged up and then she had to call someone from reception to come and get it and she was like, she was like, well, what happened in there? And she goes,

okay, you meant to flush, you know, you can flush as you go along if you're worried. I go, but there's no shit in the world that's too big.

I said, you're using too much paper. I'm sure of it, you're using too much paper. See, this is, this is this is what i don't know what she does in there right but whatever she's doing isn't the correct thing because she's not getting the job done because i do these monster shits

never clog up a toilet you do mercy flushes yeah i do a little bit of mercy down i have i have it i have a toto a toilet i have uh um the the the the uh hello tushy are those guns those are good for you yeah i use that and i use that but i tell you what i tell you what doctor i tell you what bit of blood coming off the hemorrhoid right hey the hose splashes it sometimes that makes the bleeding worse is the spray on one so if i've got a bleeding one i don't use the spray on but then also the dryer fucking you can smell a cooking hemorrhoid I feel like it's a lightly roasted hemorrhoid regretting somebody just tuned back in and they're like that give it one more time what is the medical term for bleeding from hemorrhoids during or

after a bowel movement not ring of of fire. Not Johnny Cash. No, it's hematochesia. What is it with doctors? Why do they have to make everything harder? What's wrong with bleeding butt? What's wrong with bleeding butt? Everyone knows what bleeding butt is, right? Hematochesia is easy to remember for hemorrhoids.

Hematochesia. I've had some keys in you. That's how I'd remember it. He might have had some keys in you. Yeah, yeah. That's why he's bleeding. Yeah, there you go. Well, the grading system, you talked about that. Can hemorrhoids be mistaken for other medical conditions?

Jim said some types of cancer, enlarged prostate, warts. Yeah. You know, the biggest concern is young people come up bleeding and then you just say it's hemorrhoids and you don't think of cancer. So instead of working up the cancer, they just immediately say, that's the one thing that gives me heartache in my field is 30-year-old guy bleeding. Do I just tell him his hemorrhoids don't worry about it or am I missing a cancer? And then do you want to do a colonoscopy in every 30-year-old that walks into the office?

So how do you balance like who am I missing an early diagnosis that's like less than 1%? That's the hard one. Are polyps related to hemorrhoid? Cancer. Because polyps are cancerous, right? Some of them are, yeah. Right, right, right, right. I got to get this thing done now.

I have the order there from my insurance company, and I have like three months to do it. But now I'm like, after this, I'm like, all right, got to get it done. Lifestyle modifications. You're a weird one, right now I'm like, after this, I'm like, all right, got to get done. Lifestyle modifications. You're a weird one, right? Because you don't look healthy, right?

You understand this. You don't look like a picture of health. No, I know, yeah. Right? Right. But you go to the doctor

and the doctor keeps it. Every time he goes, the doctor's like, you're the fittest man on earth. I suspect, and his diet's not terrible. He eats a varied amount of food, not those stuff.

He doesn't smoke. I eat a lot of crap too, but I eat a lot of veggies. Hardly drinks, not those stuff. He doesn't smoke. Hardly drinks. Right? And doesn't do any drugs. Right? And I can promise you this. His assholes, you could eat off it.

I just know the doctor's going to come back like... Wow! I've never seen one like this. He's going to walk... Forrest is going to be sitting on the edge of the bed, right? Sitting on the edge of the bed with his gown flapping around, right? And the doctor's going to come in and go, if you could just wait a minute, Mr. Shaw,

because we have some other doctors who need to be in the room like this. And you're going to think, oh, fuck, I'm dying. And then they're all going to come in and they're going to be slow clapping like your Columbo who just solved a crime. They're all just going to be. I hope so. Dr. Kamrava's going to be like, hey, everybody, come see how good this looks. I hope so, yeah. clapping like your Columbo who just sold a crime lifestyle modifications fiber that's pushing no no phone I always tell people no phone in the bathroom they're

sitting on the toilets bad huh we think so yeah I mean it's a it's the kind of love that yeah it's as I said when you kids, it gives you a bit of peace and quiet. It's also true. I have four kids. I love the toilet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get that little break. But eat a lot of veggies.

Also, I do my poo first thing I wake up. I do one or two shits a day, but I do one as soon as I wake up. And I always enjoy that time because the rest of the house hasn't woken up yet. I just sort of ease into my day and I check the interweb for whatever I need to check it for. How is sitting on a toilet different from sitting on a chair? Yeah, how does your asshole know?

I actually worry, say the same thing. So, I mean, these are debates inside the field. It's like, is it actually bad? I don't know. The standard statement is stop sitting on the toilet, but I debates inside the field. It's like, is it actually bad? I don't know. The standard statement is stop sitting on the toilet. But I've said the same exact question.

I can tell you this. When my asshole is prolapsing really badly, if I sat on the toilet to have a piss, if I was having a sit-down wee, my ass would prolapse with our ownership because I was pushing that general area of my body. Where if I was standing up, the asshole would never do that.

So a doctor says, oh, well, you're sitting with your butt in a hole, and that's different. I don't know. I think it's a legitimate question. What porn? Is that a thing? Jim was talking about. You don't want to put too many things up there.

Well, I don't want to. Yeah, I mean, so we see it a lot with porn. Marathon runners get hemorrhoids, right? And I was like, should I stop running? I was like, I'd rather you have a good heart. All right, politician, stick to the question. Yeah. I mean, anything that increases pressure.

Yeah, yeah, okay, so good. Look, look, look, he has a doctor's studio in LA. He's seen some porn stars' assholes. Like, he's not going to tell us who or whatever. You know, the hypocritical oath they have to do. porn star's asshole. He's like, he's not going to tell us who or whatever. Hypocritical oath they have to do. And then thrombosis in the context of hemorrhoids. He said it right actually,

just a clotted vein. Clotted vein. Because my mother had deep vein thrombosis. I'll tell you the story. I've told it before. I'll tell it again. It's a doozy. Right? So I was on the Jimmy Kimmel show,

and my mother got deep vein thrombosis on a cruise ship. Right? No, no, no. You're meant to get it in an economy flight. Yeah. And it's from not moving. My mother was a big person, morbidly big, and she went on a cruise ship,

and she moved so little that she got deep vein thrombosis in one of her legs, right? That's a doozy because all you're meant to do is walk around and eat food, right? So I told that story in a funnier way. I can't remember how I made it funnier. But I told it in a funny way. So I go back to Australia and my mother was there and she goes, you have to go back on the Jimmy Kimmel show and tell all of America that you're a liar. And I'm like, what?

I did not get deep vein thrombosis on the cruise ship. I got diagnosed on the cruise ship. I got deep thrombosis on home before I left. And I said, so you want me to tell everyone that you actually got it in your living space and not on vacation. That would be a better thing for you. She wanted you to do a press conference about it. So it was good.

So the next time I went on Jimmy Kimmel, I had a whole new story. I had to tell everyone I was a liar. That's funny. What did she say about that? I did. I went on. I said, my mother, I got to play the footage. And I went, I'm lying there.

Very clearly, I'm lying. My mother got deep aces and thrombosis at home in her lazy boy chair reclined. Yeah. Prolapse hemorrhoids. The concept of that. We did talk about that a little bit. It's when they're coming out. Yeah.

They're just coming from the inside out. So all these that I saw they all that's all hemorrhoids and stuff too well animals get hemorrhoids as well Emma hammer I'd they push well they have hemorrhoids what about the meat eaters they don't eat enough fiber they must have hemorrhoids at the wazoo anymore yeah carnivores get some Metamucil into that line yeah wait my dog whenever i get my dog groomed they always ask if i want to express the anal glands which my vet said not to do because of what their natural food supposed to do that but those aren't those are different things those are different and honestly i don't understand that yeah because like what are natural living dogs doing i never understood yeah it's a poop is but that's my vet said the poop's supposed to be doing it on its own

what are animals that don't have vets yeah well they rub on the ground if they need to yeah that they know i want to one day we need to get a vet on this show because i reckon all they learn in university or college is cats and dogs and then the rest of its fucking guesswork other animals yeah yeah i reckon they just rock into work like this and they just have the... They leave the room to Google. Someone brings in a rabbit. Or a turtle.

They wouldn't be able to find a turtle's dick if they had a turtle dick examination tool. They wouldn't know where to find it. If hemorrhoids that are infected are whatever it's sorry hammer if you have a severe case of hemorrhoids I was reading something else I'm trying to say the strokes affect them what are possible complications associated with untreated severe

hemorrhoids and then Jim did a whole thing about why doesn't it get in? Yeah, we don't know why they don't there's two places in the body Where you could get a bad wound and the body just handles it one is the scalp Yeah And the other is the ass and the ass is amazing is you should I mean you think every time I operate on it I would tell people listen putting a wound there. You're gonna shit right it within 24 hours. Yeah. There's nothing we can do. I never thought about the way you were talking about it. So one of the most painful things that ever happened. So when Dr. Kamarava did the surgery on me,

which was a success for many years until the hemorrhoids came back and it fixed what was there. I can't remember how many stitches you put up there, but it was in the teens or the 20s. Six. Six? That was the question.

The last one you said three. The THD. Oh, no, no. You only put six up there? Oh, I've been telling people like 25 or something. Oh, okay. Well, I'll take six. But anyway, so it was like shitting past those stitches.

It's horrendous. Tears to your eyes. Yeah. I'm going to say something very controversial my wife giving birth didn't look as painful you said this before you said a version of this as my shitting over the stitches if I had an injection to numb my colon

then I'd be alright why would you just do a liquid diet then like a protein shake doesn't change it but then you have to have you have some six baths like do like a liquid diet then like a protein change it oh no it doesn't change it no okay no but then you have to hang around it you have some six baths you have some you know you put those salts in the bath what are those salts called epsom salt epsom salts you suck your butt you sit there and have a warm thing and then like then you'll see the stitches in the toilet bowl that

have fallen off you'll just see them don't need a bypass to lose weight. We do one of these procedures, people just stop eating for like a week. They should be done. Yeah, yeah. I still fought through it. This question, can hemorrhoids be present without causing any noticeable symptoms? I already answered. I was asking about that.

So I had them, but there wasn't really any pain or no problems. Don't shove them back in. Pregnancy, we talked about that. What are the non-surgical treatment options available for hemorrhoids? Jim said rubber banding. So rubber banding fiber is the biggest one. Metamucil, that's a good one. It's called rubber banding? It's band, yeah, rubber band ligation. Prep H, I don't get. I've used it a lot. It doesn't seem to do that.

It works for me. It doesn't seem to do that much. It's mostly placebo. He says it's placebo. Well, it's placebo well it's working great the placebo is wonderful they had the preparation age suppositories the ones that you put up your ass and the cream was and i used them for a while and then i was like i feel this is doing me more damage than than worth and also my anal canal just felt greasy mine are all external so it just it helps not hurt i i rented an airbnb in australia over christmas and i remember i packed everything and then i came home and then so it helps not hurt. I rented an Airbnb in Australia over Christmas,

and I remember I packed everything, and then I came home, and then Mike, because that was just before I went and saw the doctor again, and I had a real bad hemorrhoid, and I bought some hemorrhoid. This story's twofold.

All right, so the short answer to that story is I packed everything up out of the house. I know where I left it, and I didn't leave it in the master suite suite bathroom i left it in the guest room i left it in the in the living room toilet for some reason because that's where i was using it for some reason so just a tube of it sitting there above the toilet but i went i went in to buy some um uh preparation h or in australia they call it rectal aid or something like in Australia they fuck around with names yeah it's a good bum

cream something like that right anyway so I went in there and the old lady when I say old she's 60 not super old or anything but I came in and she was behind the counter and I said hi and she goes I know you

I've been watching you on TV. Oh, I like. What can I help you with? And I said, I need hemorrhoid cream. And she just leaned over and she went, there's never a fun way to ask. Well, there could be. Yeah, Australians don't fuck around. I like Australians.

What? Oh, impact bowel movements. What can be done to ease discomfort during bowel movements? Mostly fiber. Chipset cries a lot. How did I only get it? What did I get wrong? 6.5.

You just said more crying than usual. Blood. You just went off on tangents. Yeah, but I said fiber. You brought your own personal experience in. You're called poor in a medical condition. And that's how you prevent the recurrence and stuff too, is fiber. So, but I said fiber. You brought your own personal experience in. You're called poor in a medical condition. And that's how you prevent the recurrence and stuff too.

It's all about fiber. My mom always told me fiber when I was a kid. You got to eat fiber. Fiber, fiber, fiber, fiber, fiber. And you're a good fiber eater. You always have a side salad everywhere we go.

I like veggies. I'm into veggies and fiber. I try to even when I'm eating shit, you know, so. And then steps to promote good anal and rectal hygiene to prevent irritation and exacerbation of hemorrhoids the well so for hygiene and hemorrhoids so for so for hygiene just people are overly clean bidet is great so like yeah what did you touchy how

much is great the bidet is great wet wipes are so effective that they actually sometimes chap the ass so a lot of times people come to me their ass is irritated and all it is that they've just been wet wiping i've gone off the wet wipes i had the wet wipes for a while and now i've gone off the wet wipes because i feel what am i a baby i like to rough it out i do like a three ply i want my toilet paper as bleached as white as my hat that I'm wearing right now, and less white than my skin. But I want a very white, a very white, pristine, no patterns on there,

just three-ply, soft toilet paper. Lovely. I'll tell you one of my favorite hemorrhoid stories. I've told this on every podcast. So one time I had hemorrhoid that would not stop bleeding. It would not stop bleeding. And so I wedged some toilet paper up my ass just to clot it up until it clotted and then I could move on with me day.

And this thing was soaked like a heavy day, woman's day two. You'd be able to relate, Kelly. Yeah, day two sucks. You women are different. Anyway, so I had – It sounds like they're not. Yeah, but it's a different hole, isn had it sounds like they're not yeah it's a different holiday they're close yeah hers comes out of forests favorite hole not Kelly's favorite hole to put a finger in it's someone else's vagina. Anyway. But so I'd wedged this dog paper

and it was soaked with blood. So I was moving on with my date. I forgot it was there. Went to the airport. They put me in the x-ray machine. You know where you got to do this? Stand up like this. And I was taken off.

We're going to have to do a quick search. We found something in your back pocket there. And also, that's where you would hide drugs, right? And it's like normally you have to get every bit of paper out of your pocket, you know, the procedure, right? And I'm like, oh, no. Oh, no. And I'm like, yeah, look, I've got hemorrhoids.

Yeah, we're just going to have to check. I've got hemorrhoids, and I put a bit. And then I went, just, just. And I just held my hand out. And they were like getting testy. Like, don't you reach down there type of thing. And I pulled out the red tissue like this. And then they were just like, you get go.

Like that, right? I could have had so much cocaine up my asshole past. As long as you have that red tissue stopper, they're not going to search you no more. No, they're done. They're like, why does that blood smell so weird? Life hack. Life hack for

drug runners. Last question here. In the THD procedure, so I guess that's not the banding one then. No. Jim had performed how many bundles of hemorrhoids are typically tied off? Three? I had six. So it's a stitch? Stitches.

That's what THD is? Were they all the same vein? Or were they a couple of veins? Just six columns. Wait, what does it stand for? THD? Transanal hemorrhoidal de-arterialization. Transanal. THD? Yeah, THD. I asked for more THD

in my weed alright now's the part of our podcast called Dinner Party Facts we ask our expert to give us hey first of all does marijuana help it always feels like

with medical conditions I don't know because it makes you it makes you calm down I'll take the placebo on it why not yeah you know what you gotta do

you gotta get fiber gummies with THC yeah there you go you got a patent there yeah alright we ask our expert to give us some sort of fact obscure interesting that the audience can use to impress people Gummys with THC. Yeah. There you go. You got a pattern there. Yeah. All right. We asked our expert to give us some sort of fact, obscure, interesting, that the audience

can use to impress people about the subject. What do you have for us, Dr. Kamarava? So it was interesting. My partner and I talked about this. Like, what's actually interesting on hemorrhoids? I don't know. No. So we...

What's not interesting? I don't know. But it's a dinner party. We're sitting at dinner. You're eating. Well, I mean, I don't know. It's Jim's dinner party. We're sitting at dinner. Well, it's Jim's dinner party. The veins make the ass pucker. Like, that was exciting.

It's a murder mystery dinner party, and the murder victim has died from hemorrhoids. And so you're allowed to say some funny facts. So if you go to most physicians who are, like, in our field, and they're like, I have hemorrhoids, they'll be like, we have to do eight sessions. I know guys out there that will do 30 injections or bands they'll just treat people endlessly um and it all comes down to the the reimbursement to get just do a you know how long does it take a band in the office five minutes the whole procedure in and out for like when you come in we get paid more to do like a little rubber band which is like 200 bucks it's not like we're not having thousands then you get paid to go

and to do an appendix at two in the morning by insurance like appendectomy pays almost nothing now uh and so there you i always tell patients they come in like my colonoscopy said i have to have i have hemorrhoids i should get a treat and i'm like if you're not feeling them and it goes to are having symptoms if you're not symptomatic you don't touch those damn things um only treat by the symptoms. Because the doctors are like, this is where we make money. It's pretty good. It's the cash cow.

But you also get paid more because you're going on someone's ass. I feel like that's part of the deal. No. Hazard pay? They're probably incentivizing us not to operate on people. So we'll pay you well, so you don't pay for an operating room, anesthesia,

and all the other stuff. And are the rubber bands just like from Office Depot? No. I mean, I don't know. Are they close? I buy them from an office. They're the same price as ones. They may get them from China.

They look very small. What colors did you put on his ass? They're black. I remember they were a little tiny. Yeah. All right. Well, thank you for being here, Dr. Alan Camarava. If you live in L.A. and you need a good proctologist,

Jim recommends them. The best. You might have to examine for a sass hole after this. The best. I'll do your colonoscopy. We'll have fun. Sounds like a threat.

You take HMOs? We'll figure it out. Okay. I just want to go in there and you'll be back up my ass like this. You were right about that, Forrest. Can they do like couples colonoscopy?

That's one of the best colons I've ever seen. All right. Yeah. All right. Thank you, Dr. Cameron. We appreciate you being on the podcast. That was a fun one. People are going to enjoy it.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you're ever at a dinner party and someone says, I have a fun fact about hemorrhoids, go, well, I don't know about that. And walk away. Good night, Australia. All right. Thanks, Doctor.