I Don't Know About That - Ice Hockey feat. Joe Bartnick

Episode Date: April 25, 2023

Our expert Joe Bartnick (@mrjoebartnick) proves to the IDKAT gang that we don't know anything about ice hockey. Jim's new special "High & Dry" is now available on Netflix! Subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/IDKAT for ad free episodes, bonus episodes, and more exclusive perks! Tiers start at just $2!

Floors, roofs, we done this one? Yeah. Walls, chairs, whatever Forrest had to say to eat. You might find out. I don't know about that. With Jim and the grumpy man. Come to your life. Now I can hear. Yeah. What did you eat today? What's your big food today? What did I eat? A yogurt. Oh, yeah. Oh, wow.

Did you put a bit of muesli on top of your yogurt? No, I just had a yogurt, coconut yogurt. Coconut yogurt? Moussa. Oh. Yeah. That's nice. You must be hungry.

Yeah. Yeah. I forgot the incense. Yeah, that is a bit. I had that thing with my son today where Hank was sitting around the house. I'm like, Hank, what have you eaten today? Nothing. And like as a parent, it's sort of like you have to make sure they eat.

Yeah. I've got to make you something. Fuck it. We're here today. When I'm hungry, I just get myself food from the fridge. He just sits around until he dies. We're here with our friend today, Joe Bartnick. Joe Bartnick, one of the greatest, nicest guys in comedy.

He's a headline act all around the country. Also tours with Bill Burr. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show, Joe Bartnick. Hey, what's up, guys and girls? You're welcome. You don't guess what he, yeah. I know. I think I know.

The funny thing is I only know like two things. Yeah, yeah. I think he knows. I don't know what the second thing is. Exactly. How to make a Manhattan. Yeah, unless the topic is how to drink and pass a breathalyzer. Then I don't know what the subject is.

We are somewhere in Europe right now. Are we? Where would we be? Probably like Warsaw, maybe. Ah, Warsaw. I don't know. We're eating pierogies right now and Polish sausage. This is April 24th. Doesn't matter. We're there.

We're there. And if we're in your country, thank you for having us. Shalom. Welcome. Helsinki. Ah, Helsinki. I love Helsinki. And Oslo, yeah. We're doing two shows in the Helsinki. I love Helsinki. You like Helsinki? I feel like Anthony Bourdain there was walking down by the river. It felt more like Pittsburgh than anywhere

else. When he was walking down by the river? Anthony Bourdain? Oh, you felt like Anthony Bourdain? was walking down by the river. It felt more like Pittsburgh than anywhere else. When he was walking down by the river, Anthony Bourdain? Oh, you felt like Anthony Bourdain? Yeah, like I was eating sausage, like hanging out with the workers. You were walking by the river putting rocks in your pocket? That was very nice. Sorry to the Bourdain family. I didn't even get that joke. No, because he committed suicide.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I wish I got the joke. I thought it was more for Joe Joe said he doesn't do weed because he said he's dumb enough That's a pretty smart thing to do though That increases your intelligence I've literally smoked so much weed over the years

It's just like There's nothing left I can't be any dumber You don't like to eat it? It takes I don't like That's when i really feel stoned over if i smoke it that kind of goes away if i eat it it's like i feel like the next day i'm like oh it sits there for a while yeah yeah i always think like when you have like a gummy and you eat it you're like this is going to take a while to digest i can't imagine it just hits my stomach and it's good to go the last time i ate a

bunch was like on a Saturday. I ate so much. I didn't feel right until like Monday afternoon. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because you keep eating it. You don't think it's kicking in and then you eat too much and then you're fucked.

Well, I was hungry. So I was eating it like real candy. If you go to Canada, the portions are so weak that you're getting diabetes whilst getting high. You're just trying to get through the candy to get to the high. Yeah. Anyways, go to JimDeafriesries.com there's more tour dates on there you can check out all across europe touring across uh the uk etc etc oh no the uk we've done the uk uh america north america that's after europe hamilton we're gonna we're gonna be in a production of hamilton that'd be awesome under bay you want me to say them all or just JimJeffries.com? There's a lot of them, yeah.

They're always Thunder Bay. I'll see you all the time. This is the cop who didn't arrest me for having my dick out on the street. Thank you. I was having a piss. It wasn't just walking around. I was having a piss against the wall

and he caught me, but then it turned out he was a fan, so it all worked out good. One hand job later, it went... IDCAP podcast on Instagram. Follow out good and then one hand job later idcat podcast on instagram follow us there and then on patreon patreon.com slash idcat and yeah we don't have merch anymore right i don't think so i mean the website the website might still be up i check it why are we okay so because it was you know our oh we got to get that up again because there's several Bikaki t-shirts in the UK.

Those are good shirts. Oh, yeah. Well, we can get them better designed. Yeah. I think that was like the place we used to record with, you know? Yeah, well, we'll get some more, but there was some merch out there. Yeah, and I got a lot of messages asking

if you were going to be selling merch at the... Bikaki, huh? Yeah, yeah. That was my best joke still that was episode four yeah it's how bees come yeah i don't remember what the joke was that's just it's how they make honey i think they all do it together so he said big cock yeah it was funny at the time all right i don't know i don't know in hindsight whether it was t-shirt ready but here we are somebody bought them them. Ah, they all had them.

Bikakis. Who doesn't want a shirt with an image of a bunch of bees coming on a bee in the center? I think it works because even if you don't listen to the podcast, you don't know anything about bees, you get it. Yeah, the word's left. There's a bee and it says Bikaki, and you're like, yeah, you can wear that in public. Bikakis, bee cum, or is it bee poop? Cum.

Oh, it is cum, really? Well, when they make honey, I don't know. What is it? Honey is they spit it out, but what was it? All the drones that cover around the queen? We learned a lot. Is anyone else having a crackle in their ears? Yeah.

A little bit. A little bit. Yeah, I don't know what to tell you. Okay, we'll leave. Is it okay? It's fine. All right, bee cocky. All right.

It's bee cackle. Bee cackled? Have we got some ads? Not this one. Not this one? Not in this one, no. Okay, no ads. So let's get straight into it.

All right. Well, I've already introduced our guest, Joe Bartnik. And now we're going to play. Yes, no. Yes, no. Yes, no. Yes, no. Judging a book by its cover.

Boom. You've got to judge the cover. Okay. I'm going to Liberace Rings. Is it Liberace Rings? You've got a great big sapphire there on your hand. It's a ruby. A ruby?

Yeah. What happened there? Well, you know, my grandfather got this. He ran a speakeasy in the 20s, and it hit the real number back in the day, and he bought this. Oh, that's a lot better because when you're like this, my grandfather was in the Holocaust, and then I was going to go,

Oh, God. Yeah, he wanted shooting dice in an alleyway. That's what you want to hear. And my wife's wedding ring is hitting the number as well. Really? It was my grandmother's, not her wedding ring, wedding ring, but he hitting the number as well really that was it was my grandmother's one not her wedding ring wedding ring but uh he hit in the christmas tree yeah i always feel like the wedding ring should be passed on i feel like the diamonds last forever i've talked about this

before why are we buying new diamonds just inherit diamonds you can reset them and stuff well i like to get the africans more work yeah oh yeah i don't i don't want to see them lose their jobs in a new economy they've literally literally spilled blood over these diamonds. But I remember my sister-in-law, my brother was getting married, and my mother tried to hand down her wedding dress. That's a bold move. I've kept this under the bed. Because women know the wedding dress they want, right?

And this is a wedding dress from the 1960s. So it may have gone out of fashion very revealing it had a lot of oh yes it was long sleeved up to the neck with frills and stuff like that but it's also my mother large woman so very insulting to my sister very insulting and there's no there's no delicate way to say yuck. So it's not rings. I'm going to go ice hockey. That's correct.

All right. I should have said ice hockey. I just said hockey. But yeah, ice hockey. Yeah, because there's field hockey. Because Australians excel at field hockey. We always win. Do you? Yeah, we're always number one.

I don't even know. Is it played just like hockey? It's played with those wooden sticks. We always win. Do you? Yeah, we're always number one. I don't even know how. Is it played just like hockey on the field? It's played with those wooden sticks. Maybe you'll know something about it. I don't know if there's any big women.

Yeah, we win the women and the men's a lot. It's always in the Olympics. I think I remember hearing a long time Heath Ledger played field hockey or some shit for you guys.

No, he didn't play like any? Heath Ledger, I think he was a cyclist in, we had this sort of teen soap opera drama thing that he was on one season, and it was about the Australian Academy, the Australian Institute of Sport, right? And all the different, you know, all the good-looking people who are athletic

and they're all fucking each other and all that sort of stuff. And Heath Ledger, that was his first job, and I think athletic and they're all fucking each other and all that sort of stuff. And Heath Ledger was, that was his first job. And I think he was a cyclist on that or something like that. Okay. And then he came over. And do you know that Heath Ledger, here's a little thing. For a while there, he slept on our mate DJ Quall's couch. Did he really?

Yeah, he did. How have I never heard that story? I don't know. DJ just dropped it into conversation once out of nowhere. Like, that's huge, man. Wait. Yeah. So he was friends

with Heath Ledger? He was friends with Heath Ledger, yeah. Didn't know that. You know DJ Qualls? He was a skinny guy on a road trip. You would know him, yeah.

And Hustle and Flow. He was in Jim's show. Legit. Oh, that? Yeah. He was in the wheelchair. Yeah.

No, I was just wondering because he's not the guy in the first show too, right? What's the first show? That guy was legitimately messed up, right? The guy in the wheelchair? No. No, no, no. It's DJ. Oh, okay.

It just looks like that. So the first show is legit? Yeah. The first show is legit. Oh, okay. That's the show. Oh, I thought he was legitimately. We auditioned some proper disabled people.

I need to pretend there was another. They couldn't cut it? You're not disabled enough. I'm thinking someone here to fake it. I tell you what, I think in today's climate, we wouldn't be allowed to because they did call it. Some people wrote and called DJ saying he was doing crip face. Not like a gang member, but like cripple face.

First of all, are we allowed to use the word cripple? I feel like that word's on the out. I don't think so. I doubt it. Yeah, I don't know i doubt it yeah i don't know like we we call it blackface we don't call it another term face you know what i mean so like they're calling it like what don't they call disabled face but crip crip face is what he was called right and and for the rest of the rest of our uh cast that played disabled people were legitimate faced. They were using regular face. They were doing normal face. Not regular.

There's no face. Whatever your face is, is your regular face. You can't outface your own face. Although you can go different nationalities. You used to be able to go gay. You can't go gay anymore. Well, that's not true. Nick Offerman just did it in Last of Us.

No, no, no. Yeah, there's lots of people who do it, but Tom Hanks said he wouldn't do Philadelphia anymore. Well, yeah, that's easy to check. I reckon it's because he's at an age where he can't lose the weight again. He can never get AIDS ripped. I'm so over Tom Hanks as a human being.

You're over Tom Hanks? Oh, my God. My last movie I saw of him was Bachelor Party. Yeah? Right. But you've been over him for a while. Yeah. I couldn't get through Splash.

I never saw Splash. I don't know. He thinks he's a hero. It's like, dude, you're an actor. You're not an astronaut. You're not a senator. You're not a governor. You're not the president.

You're Tom Hanks. He was Walt Disney, though. It was very brilliant. And he did land that plane in the river. Yeah. You're not an astronaut. You're not a senator. You're not a governor. You're not the president. You're Tom Hanks. He was Walt Disney, though. It was very brilliant. And he did land that plane in the river. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, man, he saved a lot of lives. I think he thinks really highly of himself. He wasn't Colonel Parker, though.

He was just a guy in a fat suit going, Oh, here we are, Elvis. I make the snowfall. Snow job. That's why I didn't see that movie. I'm like, I don't want to see Tom Hanks playing Colonel Tom Parker. You know, Paul Giamatti. Paul Giamatti must have been sitting at home watching that film going.

He's ever at home? He answers every question. Every other movie and commercial. Paul Giamatti would be like, seriously? I'm not fucking Colonel Parker. He's every music manager in every movie. Why not this one? Or just, I'll take Mike Myers in a fat suit.

Oh yeah, that'd be good. I'd take him as a Colonel Parker all day. He does good British accents, good different accents. He could have done the natural accent of Colonel Parker, not the weird one that Hanks did. Yeah, true. Well, let me introduce Joe probably. Joe Bartnick is a comedian, actor, and writer. Joe is the co-host and creator of the hockey podcast Puck Off

with Fraser Smith. He is a contributing writer for Pro Hockey News and can be heard every week during hockey season on WDVE Pittsburgh radio during his Soft Dumps segment. Not sure what that is, Soft Dumps. Well, in hockey parlance, if you throw the puck up ice but softly so it's not called icing, it's called a Soft Dump. Okay.

As opposed to a Hard Dump, which no one likes. I don't like soft dumps either. All the blood stains your eyes. I don't know. You take a soft one over a hard one. Regular, just like regular face, like regular dumps. They were accusing me of making dump face. Which is probably like grip face in a way, right?

Yeah, yeah. I even think you're doing a hockey podcast as a bit of canadian face um you can find joe on instagram at mr joe bartnick and on twitter at joe bartnick so thanks for being here joe this is what's gonna happen i'm gonna ask a bunch of questions about uh ice hockey to jim he's gonna do his best to answer them and then at the end of that you can grade them zero and i'll re-save the answers. He's got a bit of paper there with an eye-shocky Oh wow, visuals, cool. Court?

I want to say court 10 out of 10 Great, great, great I've watched enough Law and Order I know Exhibit A? Yeah, and so at the end of at the end of him answering them, you'll grade them 0 through 10, 10's the best on his accuracy Kelly's going to grade them on confidence. I'll grade him on etc.

We'll add those all together. I just came up with sexual terms for hockey as the categories. 21 through 30, if you score 20 through 30. Tonsil hockey, do you know what that is? Tonsil hockey is where you make out with the person you're kissing. 11 through 20 hockey style. You know what that is?

It's getting a blowjob where you bash a woman's teeth in. No. I'm just guessing because a lot of people lose their teeth i'm not it's not what i feel this is what i think you're saying hockey style is if you're having sex with a woman and she's got a nice body but not a great face you pull her the shirt over her face like they do when they're fighting and that's way better than what I've done. At least I acknowledged the woman's face before. Now you're just fucking putting it up. I didn't make these up. These are on the internet.

Hockey style, okay. And then zero through ten, anal puck. Just made that one up. Yeah, yeah. Sounds terrible. Puck to the anus. Okay, why do they call it the Stanley Cup? I knew I was doing this today, and I got very close to Googling this on the way.

I got very close because I thought, I will say this, this is a classic Jeffrey's diversion. My son Hank, when he was a baby, sat inside the Stanley Cup and we have a photo of him inside the Stanley Cup. So I know it's not named after him. So the pound, okay,

I would say there would have been a hockey player with the name Stanley who was regarded as one of the best. And I will say he's Canadian. I'll say French-Canadian hockey player called Stanley. Okay, we'll go back to all these. Because I always know that everyone's like, Le Flute, Le Fleur. Why is fighting allowed?

It's not allowed, really. It's the only occupation where if you punch a co-worker, you have to sit away for five minutes and think about what you've done. Why can't every workplace be like that? Oh, I got a bit out of hand. I punched him a few times. Go to him for five minutes. Are you kidding me?

All I did was punching. Fighting's allowed because I think the crowds like it. It brings in in the folks what is the difference between a minor and a major penalty um a minor and a major a major penalty you'll have to go into the box okay minor minor penalty will just be like you take it from a spot or something okay what is icing yeah i've never understood this it's it's like there's a blue there's this line which is why i brought the visual yeah there's a blue line yeah there's a blue line show the camera now you can point to it what you're talking about there's a blue line right now what happens is you have to pass the ball the puck uh-huh right before the guy gets over before your player

gets over the blue line so if you have to pass it in there so they can be in defense and then you get into the thing that's icing no no no

if he goes over before that then it's icing what's off sides that's off sides as well okay what is the blue line and the red line

is there halfway okay icing line icing line what is a power play um the power play is you're allowed like an extra player for a bit or whatever it's like power play and then you get like a bit of extra yeah what is a hat trick uh three three goals three goals

yeah three goals in a game one player getting three goals. In a game? One player getting three goals. It's a hat trick. It's like the same in any sport where there's a goal post. How many players are on the ice for each team during a standard hockey game? Are you counting these dots? I'm going to say seven on each side, so 14 on the pitch. Okay. What is the name of the circular area in the front of each team's goal

where the players can't be checked? Oh, the two circles there. No, in front of the goals. It's not on there. Oh, that's just like, that's where the goal. It's got a name. Yeah, that's the goal zone. What is the original six?

The original six is before they brought in the power plays that gave them the seven that made the 14 yeah i think you got that one right uh do you know what cross checking is um yeah it's like when you hit a bloke and he doesn't have the puck and you're like what's all that about slashing slashing is like when you got your stick up too high okay and you got it above your shoulder boarding do you know what boarding is uh when you got your stick up too high. Okay. And you got it above your shoulder. Boarding? Do you know what boarding is? When you smash someone against the wall. Here's one you might know.

What is the name of the device used to freeze the ice on the hockey rink? Oh, I know this one. I thought you would just know this. Zim, Zim, Zim, not Zimbabwe. Oh, you're close. Zimbabwe? No, no, no. You're close.

Zamboni. Yeah. I know this because I perform in a lot of minor league hockey arenas in Canada and I'm always I'm always in a back alleyway with a Zamboni you should have a Zamboni

on stage instead of your chair next time no but it's it's still cold those rooms who is the best player of all time Wayne Gretzky

who we and you have well I have a theory that Wayne Gretzky needs to die soon. If he dies too late, if he dies now, Canada gets a holiday forever, right? They always get like Wayne Gretzky day, right? But if he leaves it too long and we start to listen to his podcast, I Don't Give a Puck, where he gives his real opinions and history. And he starts saying why there isn't black players in the league and

stuff like that. Like he gets right into what he thinks. Then holiday gone. What is it? You either die the hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain or something like that. That's Dark Knight. That's Gretzky.

Who is the best player now? Don't know I mean it's subjective but there's probably it's pretty I'm just guessing Lafleet Lafleur that's

I was I was in I was in Canada when some guy when some French guy died and that's why I know they'll get a real holiday out of Gretzky

because it was oh yeah Guy Lafleur Guy Lafleur Lafleet Lafleur Lafleur. Lafleur. The flower. Yeah, Guy Lafleur and people were like...

The audience wasn't happy. The audience was like, we're in mourning, man. See if you can cheer us up. Guy Lafleur had died. Who is the best fighter of all time? Oh, Mike Tyson in his prime. In his prime.

There was two years there where no one could beat him. The only king should add him on there. You can argue all day, Muhammad Ali, and all that type of stuff, and over the course of a long time. But for a brief moment there, in hockey, it would be the Bash Brothers or something. Who is the best team of all time? The best team of all time would be the Edmonton Oilers

in the year that Gretzky had them and they would have won three Stanley Cups in a row making a dynasty for him and the LaFleurs. So you're saying best team. Maybe like

what's the best franchise then? Let's say that. The most winning franchise of all time in the hockey. I would say New York Rangers.

Okay. Do you know who Bobby Orr is? Do you know anything about him? No. Never heard of him? No. Bobby Orr, no? Bobby Orr, who else?

Mario Lemieux. Mario Lemieux. Never heard of him? Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. What city is Hockey City? It's called Hockey City. It's actually Hockey Town. Hockey Town, why?

Hockey Town. I would say Hockey City. It's called Hockey City. It's actually Hockey Town. Hockey Town. Why? Hockey Town. I would say Hockey Town is Toronto. What's the loser point? That's where you go. All right. A couple more questions. What is the shootout? The shootout is the same as a penalty shootout.

How does it work? Well, it's not like a penalty shootout where there's a dot and then there's a goal and then you kick it off the dot. They start out. If Mighty Ducks the movie had taught me anything, and I think it has, I believe that's why Emilio Estevez's character never really wanted to play hockey again

because he had a shootout against a kid. He ducked left, he ducked right, he had him beat. But then he shot it and it uh hit the post or the perimeter of the goal as you would call it what's the miracle on ice uh that was when the american team beat the russians with kurt russell coaching you know where they beat them? In the Olympics. When? Winter Olympics. What year or where? Oh, 1984.

You know where? In Russia. Okay. Hey, Joe. So all those questions that Jim answered about ice hockey, how do you think he did? Ten's the best. Zero's the worst.

Eight, five. All right. Eight and a half. I thought he did fantastic. I never thought he'd get some of those..5 I thought he did fantastic I never thought he'd get some of those wow I thought he did terrible but I don't know Lancer's still a lot of them

oh the only ones you know I would have said 8 but I'll give him 8.5 why not yeah man that's pretty good

yeah I couldn't believe he'd ever heard a Mario Lemieux or Bobby Orr yeah I thought he was going to Mario Lemieux

yeah okay you gotta understand ice hockey in Australia not big not big so when you know you've been, you've got to understand, ice hockey in Australia, not big, not big. So when you know, you've been in America. I've been in America

and I've been to, I've been to maybe three ice hockey games. I've actually gone to see him. One of my best friends is Canadian and he's obsessed with hockey so he's taken me to a couple

and yeah, I can't follow. They're the equivalent of like the two, it'd be like, who's after Pele is the next. It'd be like the number two and three most famous guys ever. Right, right, right.

More than Gretzky. They're two and three. Yeah, yeah. They're the holy trinity. I used to do a joke about like the documentary about the King's Ransom. You've seen that King's Ransom documentary? Yes. And the whole thing is, why did he leave Edmonton to go to Los Angeles?

It's a real head scratcher. All you need to do is show a photo of Edmonton and a photo of Vegas and go, someone was living here and they had the option to move here. You don't even have to say why. Show his wife too and see where she would rather live. Like, hey, where would you rather live like hey where would you rather i tell

you what so why do you want to live edmonton la jason whitehead my canadian ice hockey man love jay he he grew up in the same street as one of the answers to this question oh really he's one of these answers his brother uh but he should be whitehead he's he's mad for ice hockey. Pierre of white hair. And I once said, I said, I don't know much about ice hockey, but I know I fancy Gretzky's daughter. I think there's nothing wrong with her. And he goes, really? She looks too much like Wayne.

You're talking about Paulina, the one that's married to DJ Johnson? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's been around for a while, man. She's very pretty. Nothing wrong with Gretzky's daughter. And she's been around for a while man she's very pretty nothing wrong with Gretzky's daughter and like she's of age it's not like

because it sounds like I'm talking about a five year old she's married to a professional golfer yeah she's married to a professional golfer and he goes

no I could never she looks too much like Wayne and I'm like as a Canadian isn't that what you all want to put your dick

in Wayne right alright so let's go through these why do they call it the Stanley Cup? Jim said it would have been a hockey player named Stanley. We didn't grade him.

Oh, we didn't? Oh, yeah, eight. Sorry. Confidence. I'm giving him a 10 for Leflit Lefleur. Leflit Lefleur. 18.18. Fine.

I'll just give you a, so you're not hockey style. You didn't seem to like that. I'll give you a five, so you've got 23 points. Sure. Tonsil hockey. Sure. I like kissing. Why do they call it the Stanley Cup?

Jim said there would have been a hockey player named Stanley. It's a French Canadian. In the late 1800s, a guy named Frederick Arthur Stanley, Lord Stanley of Preston, he bought this cup for basically,

it's 50 bucks now, but then it was called 10 guineas. Not 10 Italians, but 10 guineas. They were worth a dollar each. You could get 15 guineas to build you a porch, you could. The currency Mario uses. He bought it to give to the champion hockey team in the Dominion of Canada.

Yeah, I've always heard it's Lord Stanley, but I didn't know he was a Lord. Well, he was the Lord of Preston. You know the country in New Guinea is just Italian babies. So if you guys don't know, there's the bowl on top, right? The bowl, that's the cup. But underneath is like 60 years. Everyone gets to put their name on it. It gets bigger and bigger.

Well, yeah. And then every 10 years, they take off the highest one. I was going to ask that. To put it in the Hall of Fame. I wonder because all the names are everyone on each team that wins, right? Right. And then, okay, so they take off a segment and put it on. Yeah.

Because eventually it's going to be, yeah. Right. It got to mass size. It got too big. So maybe the ring from like the 20s and the 30s and 40s, they're all in the Hockey Hall of Fame in when they when you see him ice skating and holding above their head you're like fuck that looks heavy yeah have you ever held heavy uh no because i've never won the cup and i don't think i should there's not a thing i always see like where you can go see it

i guess you can't touch it well you can see it you can go see it and a lot of people touch it yeah uh and you're allowed people touch it. Yeah. And you're allowed to touch it. I just never have personally because I've never won the Stanley Cup. But a regular civilian can touch it. The only thing a regular civilian is not allowed to do is put it over their head. Really? You had to have won the Stanley Cup to pick it up.

Well, when I saw it, so there was the Sundance movie thing. They had the cup at the – there was a celebrity ice hockey game that incidentally I got asked to play in to begin with. And I said, I can't ice skate, right? I've never done it, right? And then they're like, oh, do you want to commentate? And I was like, sure. Right? So it was me and and what's his name?

Caprio's best mate. I played Lex Luthor. Rosenbaum. Rosenbaum. So me and Rosenbaum. That was the first time we'd ever met. Me and Rosenbaum. And I was commentating, and there was like the dad from Growing Pains was out there.

Alan Thicke is good. Yeah. Well, not anymore. You know he's dead, right? Yeah. He was good, though. There was a whole heap of like, and I think one of the Farley brothers was playing. There was people legit playing, and then they just had me just,

and I was over the speaker, never watched the ice hockey game, just having a go. And then I realized my comedy of not knowing anything was irritating the people who were trying to actually watch. So I stepped away at halftime. But they had the cup there. At halftime. Yeah, we should have asked that.

Yeah, it's three quarters, three thirds. No, three something. Three periods. There you go. All right, you're doing great. But I put my – you've seen that picture where you hold Hank up. Yeah, you're doing great. But I put my baby... You've seen that picture where you hold Hank up? Yeah, yeah.

He was about three months old, he was. He couldn't even sit upright, and we shoved him in the Stanley Cup. No one seemed to mind. And you won't even touch it. I had a baby possibly shitting it. It would be the first. There's a famous story of a baby pooping.

Kids have peed in the cup. Dogs have eaten from the cup. I have a couple for the last segment, a famous story of a baby pooping and the kids have peed in the cup dogs have eaten from the cup I have a couple for the last segment a couple really funny stories about the cup okay don't they all

drink out of it too oh they all do that so this guy buys the cup for 10 guineas right he buys the cup and how does it become synonymous with hockey

was he a nice hockey player well I mean he'd been to Canada it's the whole deal so he wanted to have something nice to give to the champions of the league or the best team in Canada that year.

And he just went around. And then after that, since the NHL became the highest-ranking league, the winner of the NHL won the Stanley Cup. I know something. I know something. I remember this. Okay. Montreal won it first.

Maybe the Maroons, the Montreal Maroons, did way back in the day. Okay. Montreal won it first. Maybe the Maroons, the Montreal Maroons did way back in the day. I remember seeing something when I was in Montreal about the cup and it being the blah, blah, blah. No, they like it there. I don't know. I believe Montreal, it originated in Montreal. Yeah, the Montreal Hockey Club. Yep.

Did you ever play hockey? Not as a, not like, you know, obviously I'm a professional. I mean, you know, not on my high school team or anything like that. Just like with friends and stuff. And what got you into it? My grandfather loved hockey. It was like his favorite thing. And we always played street hockey when we were kids.

I just love the sport. Steve Byrne plays a bit. Yeah, he's from Pittsburgh too. Yeah, he plays a bit. Ian Bagg. My friend Glenn Wool played in this league with yeah we used to always play on monday nights yeah in the comic league but like i think do you remember glenn wool playing canadian from britain a lot of canadians used to play i don't know they were

like all you know like the same five cities i just feel like if you if you didn't play it at all as a kid, very difficult sport to take up later on in life. Well, I'm terrible at skating. I got good... It was called sweet hands. I got sweet hands around the net and can shoot, but I can't skate worth a damn. Right. So what, do you just poach up the front? Yeah, well, you know, I don't really

cherry pick. I'm always offside half the time. Unless nobody cares in the game. And it's just fun. It's so much fun to play. Yeah, I can't skate. When I watch hockey, I'm always, I mean, obviously, the skill levels and seeing for everything. But the skating, if you watch a lot, no one ever talks about the skating.

They're like, wow, that's like, I'm not even talking about like just some sort of great move. I'm just talking about going backwards at a speed. I'm like, how the heck are they doing that? That's the difference. There's no sport I'm more in awe of than an ice hockey player. It's so much fun to watch. When I watch it on TV, I'm like, fuck, they're good. that? That's the difference. There's no sport I'm more in awe of than an ice hockey player. It's so much fun to watch. When I watch it on TV,

I'm like, fuck, they're good. Whatever they're doing. But I can't follow it. I can't follow the puck. I know they've tried doing things, putting little streams on it.

Now they have a little stream that looks like when you hit a putt. Yeah, yeah. But that's always, they say, hitting a baseball is the hardest thing

to do in sports. They used to say that. But now, when you think about it, whenever a guy takes a slap, say on the power play, a guy takes a slap shot, right? He's hitting the puck between 90 and 100 miles an hour,

trying to hit it into the net. There's a guy standing in front of him on his team trying to deflect it. Because the goal turn is trying to make the initial save. While that guy is trying to do that, I'll be the guy trying to deflect it. He's on ice skates holding a stick, trying to hit a puck coming at him at 90 miles an hour, trying to deflect the puck behind a guy who's in full pads trying to stop the puck from him doing it to a net. So he can still deflect it.

It makes no sense. The whole time he's doing that, there's another guy cross-checking him with a stick in the back making sure he doesn't do that. And they don't even fall down. And they do, obviously. Hitting a baseball's hard. Obviously, people fall down here,

but not as often as you think they will with the amount of contact and physicality there. Oh, yeah. They just stay up. They're like, and they're like,

oh, I'll just take that. I'm like, it's insane to me. I was super averse to hockey when I was younger because I just don't like violence. And I thought that's what the game was. And then I went and saw a game live and I've been forever changed. Like it's my favorite sport to go to.

Yeah. It's so much fun. It's the best sport live. If you ever go, anybody listening, the first time you go, get expensive tickets and sit down low. After that, you can sit right. I was four rows from the ice my first game. It was epic. Why is fighting allowed?

Is it just because the crowd's like it? That's what I'm... I think it is for writings. A little bit. But mainly, back in the day, it's there because, you know, it's grown men with sticks and there's no out of bounds.

So you can do something, hand to someone with an elbow. You can crash someone into the board's head first. You can do a lot of stuff. So how do you police that? You can't wait for the commissioner three days later to go, you're docked 500 bucks back in the day.

No, what is the one retribution everyone wants? Punched in the face. So the game polices itself on that level, and that's why you need fighting at the highest levels, in my opinion, because that's what it's there for. And it stops them from hitting each other with sticks? That's what some people say.

But I think it's just a fact. Now, there's less of it around, but every team used to have goons, and those guys were around to protect the other guys on the ice so no one did cheap, dirty stuff to them because they knew. Like, say Gretzky, if you mess with Gretzky, then Semenko or McSorley is going to beat the crap out of you. I would have been a pretty average goon. Just an insult guy.

Just sort of standing by and saying something. An insult goon. I won't punch you. I'll just make you feel bad about yourself. Yeah, yeah. And Gretzky's like, yeah, that's great, Jim. But he just hit me with a stick. They were like, hey, Gretzky's like, yeah, that's great, Jim, but he just hit me with a stick across the face. They were like, hey, Gretzky, I like your daughter.

And he'd be like, we're on the same team, man. Oh, there you go. Protecting Gretzky with the jokes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The other guy. Making him think of other things. Oh, yeah, yeah. I get it.

It's the version. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's nice. They actually think, some people in American television think if they took fighting out of the game, it would increase ratings because the people would be like, oh, yeah, I don't like all that fighting. But in reality, they're losing the hardcore fans. Not that we all want the stage fights where the two goons show up at center ice like, okay, it's time to go.

Everyone wants the ability to, when there's an aggression, when there's a bad hit, when there's just the ire is up to be able to throw a punch. How is the concussion problems going? It's kind of super under the rug. Yeah, but I imagine it's not as much as NFL because there isn't as many, and also you're flowing with the hit, then it's not like a still, I don't know.

There's less money, so more guys shut up about it. You know, they want to play. More hockey players would be like, I've got a headache. I'm going to shut up and be on the ice. Well, the Rugby League in Australia. Hey, I have a headache, and I want to get $40 million and not play again. A lot of those guys are in the NFL. Because I think there's – I know you're saying they soften it,

but they're going faster than the NFL. They're going – I mean, I don't know how fast they're getting, but like 20 miles an hour. I think physically it would hurt just as much, but I don't know if the jolting of the brain. I don't know. The helmets aren't as good as the NFL's either. The helmets are thinner.

They're going faster. The rugby in Australia, rugby union and the rugby league and all that type of stuff, now they've got like such big concussion protocols and all the players are just as bad, if not worse, than the NFL. And now if you're concussed, 11 days. 11 days you don't play again. Yeah, I mean, they try to make it safer where they've taken some of the hits,

like high hits, the high elbows, the straight shots to the head now are looked at. And you can be suspended a game or two. But they're more and more creeping back into the game. And, you know, people want the violence. Yeah, you love the violence. So what is the difference between a minor and major penalty? Jim said major, you have to go into the game. People want the violence. Yeah, you love the violence. So what is the difference between a minor and major penalty? Jim said major,

you have to go into the box. Both penalties require the box. How did I get 8.5? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I'm an easy... He's your friend? You would have been the best teacher at school.

I'm not a nut. I want everyone to pass. Let's go. So a five-minute major is someone's in the box for five minutes. That's usually a heinous act, like boarding someone who's not looking into the back of the boards, a high elbow to the head, kind of an intent to injure. Sometimes you'll get tossed.

Someone else has to serve that penalty. But in those five minutes, the other team is on the power play the whole five minutes. It never ends. And again, power play. We talked about that. You're allowed an extra player. We didn't jump at it.

You're allowed an extra player for a bit. A power play is when, say, my team, say you trip one of my guys, and I'm in the box, and so your team has a guy in the box for tripping. Then my team is on the power play, and your team is technically shorthanded. And that's a two-minute penalty where your team is minus the guy for two minutes

unless I score, then you come out of the box within those two minutes. The major, in a major, no one comes out of the box. I can score as many times as I want in those five minutes. Oh, so they're shorthanded for five minutes. Oh, I didn't know that. So if you score, you still stay shorthanded. I do like when they take out the goalie and put an extra player in because they need to get a goal in the last bit.

And I saw a goalkeeper score a goal about a month ago. Yeah. That was pretty awesome. I saw one. Wasn't two goalkeepers fighting one time? Yes. Because they really have to hate each other. Well, when everyone pairs off, it's kind of like the honors

and the goalies go at it. But Fleury and Binnington tried to go, but the line's been broken up. And they talk about fans getting angry. Everyone's going to go because Binnington's

kind of a prick. And everyone loves the flowers. That's a long skate. So if a big brawl breaks out, do they jump out of the boxes and all come in, like in baseball? They used to until

about the early 80s. And then they said, you know what, this is every game is slap shot and lasting five hours. And now we're really – so now they really clean. You're not allowed to – basically you're not allowed to – if two people are fighting, you're not allowed to jump in. That's called the third man in rule. And then you're instantly kicked out of the game.

And also, if there's five guys, five on five, you're not allowed to leave the bench for a fight. That came in about the late 80s. My favorite thing in sport is when they clear out the dugouts in baseball. Yeah, but that's not real fighting. Oh, I love it, though. In baseball, it was like... Yeah, yeah, because then the guys in the bullpen

are on the other end of the stadium who aren't even watching. Yeah, they take a slow jog. They're not even watching. They all go, we're a team. What's going on, guys? It's over, is it? By the time they make it

from the bullpen, they're like, I got it all. That was always the problem. Like Yasiel Puig, when he's playing for Cincinnati, would come out and he'd get involved in fights

he had nothing to do with because he was a loose cannon. What is icing? Jim said he's never understood this. Explain that on the diagram. I asked him offside he said the same okay I think it's easier

if I just show Jim people can look at screens at home right so icing is this is center red yeah center red this is center red

so let's say this is yours this is your half this is my half okay I have to get my I have to bring the puck

over center red that's not a puck over center red. Over center red. If I don't and shoot the puck and it goes past this line, that is icing. So if you shoot from here and it goes past this line it's icing. And what's the repercussions? Then the face-off comes back

to right here. Right in front of the other goal. In the upfield tits. I don't know if this jumps on the list, but here is... Do you call them upfield tits? Here is off sides. Here is off sides, right?

So I'm defending this net, right? You have the puck. You cannot cross this... You cannot enter this before the puck does. Why did the goalkeeper score a goal that whole way then? Wouldn't that be icing? Well, if he didn't make the goal, it would be icing. If you make the goal, you're all right.

Or, I guess, technically, this is a good thing to know, though. If I'm short-handed, if you're on the power play, I'm allowed to ice the puck. Yeah, if you're down a man, you can just keep throwing it down there. So basically, the key of hockey is, let's say you have the puck here or here. What I'm trying to do is I try to get the puck

out over this blue line into, this is called the neutral zone. So then all your guys have to retreat and go back. Right, right, right. And for those listening at home, just look all that up. No, I know what you're saying. I think you did pretty good.

And where did the word icing come from? I don't did pretty good. Where did the word icing come from? I don't know. Cake. But I knew that it's hard to understand unless you just do it like that. Yeah, sure. Because now people know offsides. Because to me, people say,

I don't understand hockey. There's too much to learn. There's literally only three lines. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Why is everything in thirds? How does that help? Oh, like three periods?

Yeah, because I guess you change. It's the same length of a game as football. It's just three periods. Yeah, but you change sides. So I understand there's no wind or anything because of the size. So it should be the same no matter where you are. But the fans might be different. The ice is different.

The ice gets warmer. The ice can get warmer. Why wouldn't you have it even like four quarters or two halves? Because you have the neutral zone. So here, anything can go. No, no, no. He's saying three periods versus four quarters or two halves? Because you have the neutral zone. So here, anything can go. No, no, no. I'm not saying that.

He's saying three periods. Three periods. Why three periods over four quarters or two halves? I think 20-20-20 is great. This is the way it's always been. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's just how it is. Was it invented by a Canadian? I'll look it up.

Who invented hockey? Oh, I'm sure a Canadian did. Yeah, there would have been some. Kelly's looking it up. I didn't see the need for a fourth quarter. We already talked about a power play. Oh, yeah. This makes sense, to maintain the ice,

because between periods, they're bringing the Zamboni out and fixing everything. But he's saying, why is it three instead of four? It's four quarters in basketball, four quarters in football. An hour and 20 is pretty taxing of hockey. No, but you take them down to 15, 15, 15, 15. Yeah, I think maybe because it takes too long. I got you there.

I think in between periods is longer than in between a quarter or a half because of the Zamboni. It's 18 minutes between 20 and 15. Yeah, so I think if you didn't afford it, it'd be too long. I went to see the Las Vegas Knights play, and my friend was like, oh, you've got to love it. It was Whitehead. Yeah, Whitehead was like, you've got to love it, man.

He goes, it's Vegas. It's all show business. There was nothing. There was a bloke who skied out. Skied. Yeah. Skated out. And then he pulled a sword out of a rock and went, rawr.

Yeah. And they all lost their shit. And then what happened afterwards was, in between one of the periods, there was this guy who proposed to his girlfriend on the ice. He's got something to say. Of course he's proposing. Did she say yes?

You're a bitch. She said yes, but then they had like a band area up high, and then they go, and in the next period, we have someone here. We can marry you right now. And she was like, ah, okay. Yeah.

Yeah, she did it. She did? Yeah, they got married right away. She wasn't happy. That's not good at all. Oh, she got married. Oh, that's like a drive-through Elvis thing. She got proposed to. She was engaged for 20 minutes and then married.

I'm sure her parents were happy. Wow. Oh, no, no. They should have a divorce. If you saw this woman, there's a good chance her parents were dead. Not all just the sadness behind her eyes. I have a better answer for your question. So before 1910, they used to play two halves of 30 minutes each,

but at the end of each half, the ice was so rutted and covered with snow that it slowed the game way down. So then they changed to three. But we're doing it indoors now, covered with snow. Tradition. Well, like the shavings. The shavings. Yeah, for the Zamboni.

Hat trick, you got right. Yeah, that's a hat trick. You get hat tricks in most sports, right? They have hat tricks now. Just hockey and soccer. A natural hat trick for everyone. You get hat tricks in most sports, right? They have hat tricks. No, just hockey and soccer. A natural hat trick is three in a row. Oh, without anyone else going. Cricket. Cricket?

If you get three outs and three balls, which is very rare, very hard. Three balls is very rare. You should be hospitalized. Yeah, yeah. Or in a museum. Or call it me and Hitler carnival okay so if you

if you get three out of three three bowls okay that's that's fucking that's our work Shane Warne did a beautiful

one once how many the crowd goes crazy how many players on the ice for each team during a standard hockey game Jim said seven aside

it's six ah but you're not you almost had it. Two defensemen, three forwards, one goalie. Yeah, not how we play it in Australia. Because the ice is melting, so we want the game to go quicker. All hands on deck.

We get an extra player, and we don't have a Zamboni. There's Australian rules. Hockey, like football. I'll tell you what I do like about the ice hockey, which I think is nice. It's better than a cheerleader. The girl who just has to come out, and she's wearing yoga pants. With the shovel? Yeah, she comes out with a shovel and a pair of yoga pants,

and she skates along. That is sexier than any Laker girl, I'll tell you. Because she's doing a job. Yeah, she's skating. Yeah, and she's there shoveling and putting it into a bucket. She likes to work. I'm like, she's a worker? Yeah, she's making an income. She likes to work. She's a worker. She's making an income.

She can skate. I'm in love. And on that point, then go to a game in Anaheim because those women are beautiful. Right. They're not like, some teams have like girls or like teenagers. Oh, no. These are literally like straight from like Spearmint Rhino.

No, no, no. I'm talking about the ones in Vegas, right? I wasn't watching teenage. I just want to put that out there. Great work ethic. She's going to do really well her senior year. It wasn't a Catholic youth group. Yeah, yeah.

It's not like I was watching a game in Detroit. Right. No, but I've been to Vegas. The Anaheim one's 10 out of 10. Well, I'm up to Anaheim. What is the name of the circular area in front of each team's goal where the player can't be checked? The goal zone?

Well, it's called the crease. And they call it the blue paint kind of because they paint it blue. And other players are allowed to get hit. You're not really allowed to hit the goal. It's kind of like sometimes you'll bump into it, but if you score and you've bumped into him, they'll review it and call it back. So if you score, can you bump into him after you score?

I always wonder that. If you score then, you can hit the goalie? And you're allowed a little bit of bumping him, but you just can't run him over. And usually the goaltender is kind of like your wife or your girlfriend. When you mess with someone's goaltender, the goaltender is the goalkeeper. Yeah, yeah.

Then there's usually a fight. Kind of like your wife or girlfriend. Big girl covered in pads. They're also, we were talking about it. Wearing a mask. When did they get rid of the serial killer masks? I reckon someone should bring them back. The Mike Myers.

For the goaltender? Because I don't think those protected you enough. Right. That's exactly it. They're just not as protective. But they had a good look to them. Yeah, they're great. They had a good look,

and you could paint them with skulls I don't think you could see as good either now they have a better like that was just like this right well there's actually

part of the Hockey Hall of Fame they have the masks goalie masks are a huge industry where's the Hockey Hall of Fame Toronto Canada I don't know right on Yonge Street

is that Hockey Town no Hockey Town is Detroit Michigan yeah I knew that one actually. The Red Wings. Yes, sir. I went,

I went, did the Detroit, I did Detroit Comedy Festival and you know Mike Fionnuala? He's a comic on the East Coast, New York. Anyways,

he was there. I barely knew him but we were just sitting at the bar. We had nothing to do. He goes, you want to go see the Red Wings? I go, sure. We went online

and it was a year that the Red Wings were terrible. They were just awful and it was near the end of the season, so they're out of it. So we got really good tickets right next to the penalty box, like two, three rows. So we had great tickets. But on the way there, he goes, you want to eat an edible?

I go, sure. I'm not great with edibles. And I go, how much? He goes, just take like half of that chocolate bar or whatever. Holy shit. In the second period, things got – like the beginning, they're playing the St. Louis Blues and the Blues were just,

I want to say it was like 6-0. They were killing them. And that shit started kicking in and they have like a bowling pin that dances around for some reason. I think that's what I remember. I don't have a bowling pin. But that's what was confusing.

I'm like, why is there a bowling pin? It was a fat white guy. It was an amputee. I get it. And then we kept, the cool thing was they go to the penalty box, right? We could literally touch the penalty box.

We were that close. And I remember just like looking over at the guy. I don't know what I looked like, but I was just fucked. I was like, ah. Then he looked at me just like, I can't remember what player it was. Like I was a fucking moron,

which I was at that time. But yeah, the seats were really tiny. Oh, that means the old Joe Louis Arena. Oh, Joe Louis, yeah. Yeah, and we're fat now, dude. Whenever they built that arena, I was like, holy shit, dude. Or maybe it was the Edibles. The new Palace is amazing.

Caesars Palace Arena in Detroit. I have a crazy acid story about a football game I attended. But first of all, so you guys don't think there was a dancing pin? I don't believe. No, there might have been. A dancing bowling pin. I believe. For sure. I don't believe you're even in don't believe you're a rolling pin for little caesars uh what's your asset story oh we can move on no no oh so uh me and my buddy uh i won't name his name uh we dropped acid and took my my sister never my sister's basically a fan of the world she could never go to regular

season games because they're regular season games so she got to go to one preseason game a year back in the day. Me and my buddy tripped. We took my sister. Steelers were losing like 45-6 at halftime. We're like, we gotta go. We're just tripping. You're a Steelers guy? Yeah. Let's just go. Come on, Karen. It's over.

My sister's name's Karen. It's a cool name to have now. I believe I started that you know the Karen thing you did? I do there was

I did it twice in some specials five years before the Karen phenomenon happened I was like it's for fuck's sake Karen it was always the name of the person

who I always like yeah there was a thing like I was telling jokes and I go I was doing stuff on religion I go there's someone here

who bought a ticket for ten of their friends and now they're like this, ah, fuck, Karen loves God. I'm never going to fuck Karen. Right? I'm just, I think I was at the forefront. Anyway, carry on. This is called Karen. Apologize for me.

No, no, no, no worries. So, they were like, we gotta go, we gotta go, we're just tripping balls. We start driving home, we hear on the radio, they're coming back. Steelers made the greatest fourth quarter comeback ever. But thank God they missed the extra point to tie the game. Or we missed overtime. And we get home.

How's that? I lost. We thought my parents weren't going to be home. We're getting home. We're buzzing. And they're like, oh, the movie was sold out. We're like, oh like why didn't you stay like

I don't feel good your sister's upset and so you're a penguins guy oh 100% the penguins are my team yeah you're penguins yeah

I'll give that to Pittsburgh man whenever you go there they support their teams fuck it all they're in they're wearing Steelers jerseys in the crowd

and you're like it's summer oh yeah well even the season you're wearing a church tomorrow morning gotta be ready yeah yeah they wear them to church yeah they fucking wear and also like every time i get into a car it's like someone's got like the rubber mats in the in the floor he's got with the steelers embedded until like that took effort that's something you had to put something into a webpage to make sure that it fitted your car and everything. It was perfect. Yeah, it's a huge sports town, Pittsburgh.

No basketball, but the other three teams. Yeah, and the Pirates are a minor league team. There's a history there, though. Yeah, but the history is like everything ended like 50 years ago. I like the uniform, though. Well, I like the uniform though, man. I like the old one with the stripes on the back.

Yeah, we are family. They're the pirates now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got some pirate stuff. No, I love Willie Stargell, Dave Parker. I worked for them in the late 80s, early 90s with Bonds and Manny and those guys. What did you do? Security.

Did acid. Yeah, hung out. Ate acid. A few times. What is the original six? Before they brought in the power plays, they gave them seven. I don't know what Jim said. The original six are the NHL from the early 1900s to 1932

had a combination of about 10, 12 teams sometimes. But due to the Great Depression, World War II, teams, cities just fell by the way. I think I can do the original six. Can I have a go at it? Yes. The original six teams is what you're saying. The original six teams.

In 1932, only six teams remained from all that mishmash. Were the Canadian ones involved? Yes. I'm going to mishmash. Okay. Were the Canadian ones involved? Yes. Okay. So I'm going to say the Canucks. No. Okay. Well, okay.

So far, so good. You know what city that is? Say the cities. I'm a hint for one of them. Yeah. Do the cities. Chicago Red Stripes. What's the Chicago Flames?

Blackhawks. Blackhawks. So Chicago, I'm going to give Pittsburgh. No, they were in the original 10 in 1910. The Montreal... Yes, Canadians. Canadians. Yeah, that's two.

That's two Montreal Canadians. Four more. It's not the Kings. It's not the Ducks. He just said the Hockey Hall of Fame is in a city. I'm assuming. Yeah, Detroit. Detroit is one for sure.

Yeah, that's not what I was saying. Yeah, Detroit's going to be one. Toronto. Yes, you got four. That's four. Those two are easy. Big eastern cities. Ben Affleck, Matt Damon.

I'm going to say the Boston Bruins. Yes. And I'm going to say the New York Rangers. Yes, there you go. You did it. Good work. And I'm going to say the New York Rangers. Yes, there you go. And they lasted until 1967 and then the next six came and then they had a 12-team league. And the next six is Pittsburgh Penguins, Philadelphia

Flyers, Minnesota North Stars, the California Seals, which no longer existed, and the LA Kings. I'm probably missing one. Oh, the Kings have been around for a long time. Yeah, the Kings have 50 years, yeah. Yeah.

You mentioned some of these, cross-checking, boarding, slashing, like all the cross-checking. Yeah, cross-checking is when you use your stick to hit someone kind of like this, like you're doing a push-up on their back. I thought you could hit with a stick. That's called cross-checking. Oh, okay. I mean, it's like in basketball. You're not supposed to touch someone, but everyone does.

Because sometimes they're like pushing, and they have the stick, and they have it. Yeah. Yeah. You know how basketball, you're not supposed to touch someone, but everyone touches everybody the whole time? Yeah, it's kind of like that. Well, it's physical in basketball. You're not supposed to touch someone. Sometimes they're like pushing and they have the stick in their hand. Yeah. You know how basketball you're not supposed to touch someone, but everyone touches everybody the whole time? Yeah, it's physical, yeah. And then boarding against the boards. But boarding is not really against the boards as much as when you're looking at the boards and someone hits you from behind.

Okay. So you've got to be, yeah. And then slashing. Slashing is using your stick. And it's not even hitting them with the stick. If you hit their stick out of their hand, it's like any kind of motion with a stick, like swinging a stick. Top three hockey movies of all time.

Slapshot, Youngblood, and Miracle. What about that one that was Goon? Was that one any good? Oh, I love Goon. Yeah, Goon. And Goon had Stifler in it. Yeah, Goon is definitely uh what about that one with russell crowe he's in alaska uh mystery alaska i never saw that one what the fuck's that

there's a nice hockey russell crowe yeah where he's in alaska it's called mystery alaska yeah i saw it once in cinemax or something and then he got i can't really remember but there's russell's very young in it it's like it's just after or just before Gladiator. I heard it's a good movie. I'm not a movie guy at all. That's why I don't know. I've only seen like Miracle once. People back home would shit themselves.

Was I right about Miracle? Let's jump to Miracle. Well, what is the, use the Frieze hockey rink, Zamboni. You got that. Yeah, you wouldn't jump to it. What is Miracle on Ice? It says when the American beat the team, the Russians, with Kurt Russell coaching, Winter Olympics in 1984 in Russia.

In 1980, the United States beat the Russians in the height of the Cold War. They beat them 4-3, and then they went on to beat Finland to win the gold medal. And at that time, Jim McKay said it was like a college team from Canada beating the Pittsburgh Steelers. Yeah. Basically, the Russians were like all – they were a professional, like military. Some of those guys were in the Hockey Hall of Fame. They came over and they deflected, defected, and they became like Hall of Famers in the

NHL at some point. Oh, after that game? Yeah. Well, you know, a couple years after. And it was in Lake Placid, New York. How many fucking athletes defect? Like, if you're Russia, why do you ever send a team anywhere during the Cold War? It's like half of them come back.

Well, now they still kind of are. I mean, Evgeny Malkin, the Pittsburgh Penguin, he was under contract with a team in Russia. And when he was a kid, they weren't going to let him leave. He had to, like, in a tournament in Europe, like, you know, sneak into a hotel and be snuck out the back door. Wow. Yeah, Russia's still crazy.

I'd affect it from Australia to get here. So, best player of all time is Wayne Gretzky, is that? Yes. He's the greatest. Not even, because in basketball, they always go LeBron, but this is not to debate. Well, the thing is, you can look blue in the face, like I'm a Mario guy because I'm from Pittsburgh,

and he was, without injury and cancer, he might have been. Who's that? Mario Lemieux. You know, and Bobby was, without injury and cancer, he might have been. Who's that? Mario Lemieux. Oh, Mario Lemieux, yeah. And Bobby Orr changed the game, but you can't... Gretzky's statistics are so ridiculous that you can't even argue. What about this guy? Okay, so wait,

who's the best player now? Not LeFleur. No, right now, the best kind of reigning kind of the king is Sidney Crosby. I'm not just saying that because he's a penguin, but he's won three Stanley Cups. He won two gold medals for the Canadians. What about Ovechkin? Ovechkin is the number one goal scorer.

He's going to pass Gordie Howe, Mr. Hockey. But the league just voted him, all the players, he won by 20%. 30% next year, only had 10% as best overall player in the NHL. Ovechkin? No, Crosby. Crosby. I thought he was done, though. Like, too many concussions and stuff like that. No, it was like 10 years ago. He came back. Oh, he'skin? No, Crosby. Crosby. I thought he was done, though. Like, too many concussions and stuff like that.

No, it was like 10 years ago. He came back. Oh, he's fine? Okay. No, no, no, no, no. It's like Rocky in his lighter films where he's more eloquent. Ovi and Sid in the big picture are going to be the next tier under the three guys. Yeah.

Or Lemieux and Gretzky, you know, so. And after that. Oh, but the best player right now is Connor McDavid. We call him McJesus he plays in Edmonton is he Irish he sounds like he's an Irish film

probably but he's Canadian he's incredible coming from Nova Scotia I don't I like hockey I appreciate it I like to

I will watch and the playoffs I always watch the playoffs because the playoffs are like so intense you know the intensity there's nothing

but I know Connor McDavid I don't watch a lot of hockey but I know who he is because he's that good. Yeah. No, he's insane. And that's one thing.

Any city becomes a hockey city once their team, when they win the Stanley Cup, then it's like they're made. But they're kind of like an associate member of the Gambino. Once a city makes the playoffs and they see their team in playoff hockey, there's nothing like playing. In Miami. The Kings, when I first came out here, the Kings had won. Right.

Right? And are they still coming, showing up? Because the Kings— Oh, yeah, they sell out every game. Oh, they do? Oh, it's still a big team. But in Florida, the attendance isn't great, but there was one year they went to the Stanley Cup Finals

and they had this goaltender, John Van Biesbroeck, who was just—he was a good goaltender, I think, in general, but that season was out of his mind. Right. And the team was okay, but there was this guy, I think his name's Scott Mellenby. There was, after a game, there was a rat ran across the thing, and tell me if I'm wrong, and he hits it with a stick and killed it.

Right. And then that story got out, so then whenever they would score goals, I just remember this when I was in my, they would throw plastic rats on the ice, and it got to the point where there was like thousands – like a goal would be scored, and they'd have to have those girls come out with it. That would have been so odd. A hundred percent.

Scooping up rats. They're all annoying women, mate. You get rid of rodents yourself. But like you said, Miami became like a hockey – or South Florida was like a hockey crazy because we were in the – we lost the Stanley Cup to Colorado. But I remember like that's when I got in the – I sort of like was like a hockey crazy because we lost the Stanley Cup to Colorado. But I remember that's when I got in the hockey. I sort of was in the hockey. And when that happened, then I was like, I'm going to follow hockey more just because it was so intense.

I started watching it a couple years before the Blackhawks started winning year after year. And then they were trading off with the Kings, too, which I liked the Kings as well. So I was having just the best time over those years. Oh, absolutely. The Kings versus Chicago, the one Stanley Western Conference final, was the best hockey

ever played except maybe the World Cup in 96. I was playing Hilarious in Cleveland. It was the one nice day in Cleveland. Everyone's outside this patio. I was literally watching the game on the inside. People are like, what are you doing?

They're like, watching hockey. Cleveland, they didn't understand hockey. They're like, what are you doing? I'm like, I'm watching like

the best hockey game I've ever seen in my life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Took years off my life. Cleveland, there's no weather that's good enough. Well,

I had maybe my favorite line I've ever said to anybody. It was before LeBron James came back. She goes, she's out there she goes yeah Cleveland

it's like having it's like having four it's like in one day you can have every season and I go well except playoff season who is the best

Mike Tyson aside who is the best fighter of all time this is where I liked his answer well it's pretty much Bob Probert who was a Detroit Red Wing

forever then became a Chicago Black why'd you like his answer his answer was Bash Brothers because Probert, who was a Detroit Red Wing forever and then became a Chicago Black. Why did you like his name? Because Probert was one of the Bash Brothers with Joey Cosa. In Detroit. So he just guessed that together. In Detroit. Yeah.

What a dickhead. I got it. That's funny. Bash Brother. I know. I learned that term off the Mighty Ducks as well. Yeah. Whatever. Have you seen what's happened to Goldberg the goalie? Yeah. Oh, it's sad. You watched the Mighty Ducks? I did. What happened to him? He's a junkie. He doesn't look healthy. Not doing good.

He doesn't look healthy. And now they brought back the TV show, which is me and my son really like the TV show, but we didn't watch the second season because they got rid of Emilio Estevez and we liked him. He was on the first season? Of the Disney Plus show, yeah, yeah. Really? Yeah, he came back, he was like all disgruntled and he owned an ice hockey ring and all that type of stuff. And then it had the mum from the Gilmore Girls there and then they had some plucky upstarts

who, you know, bad news bears, that's all it is, you know. Right. No, I just thought Emilio would have something better to do than. He does not. He has something better to do. Instead of saying what happened to the goal, he should have said, hey, have you seen Emilio Estevez lately? He has something better to do than the second season.

Right. And then they brought in like. He had just enough money not to show up for season two. Yeah, but he just, he came in and went. And what about best team all-time or best franchise? The Montreal Canadians. Best franchise? Yeah, they've won 26 Stanley Cups.

Is there a team that's considered the best team of all time? The 70s Montreal Canadians, like the 1976-77, they had the most wins ever. They lost like nine games. This is before they had overtimes.77, they had the most wins ever. Not only did they lose like nine games. This is before they had overtimes. And then they had a dynasty in the 70s.

Then the New York Islanders won four in a row in the early 80s. I remember that. And then they got – Mike Bossy. Yeah, Mike Bossy, Trottier. They were great. And then the Edmonton Islanders won four in the 80s. What other countries have other leagues?

We're only talking NHL here, right? So I know you play basketball, you go play in Argentina, you go play in Asia. If you're a lesser player and you play basketball, you can play in China, Greece, Turkey, Israel. Australia has a basketball league. Where's the other leagues? The next best league is called the KHL,

which has teams in Russia and a lot of the Eastern Bloc, or whatever they want to call those, used to be commie countries. And that's where like... I think you can still call them that. I don't want Putin listening in. It's liquid deaths for real. No, it's like, you know,

it's pretty uniform now, but for a while it was like, you know, the pay might not show up or the planes weren't the best planes, the hotels. It's not the NHL. But that's usually where a lot of guys from, it's kind of an escape clause if Russian players or Eastern European players don't think they're being treated well

or like, hey, I should be on the first line, the third line. I'm going to go back and play in Yugoslavia or whatever. So it's kind of like, because over there they get treated like kings and it's kind of like Putin likes having to play over there. So that's like probably the second best league in the world. And then after that you have like the minor league, the AHL in America is the minor league system. No one ever goes to play their career out in Australia or the New Zealand league?

Oh, no. They definitely go play in those countries, but only like maybe one or two guys. In Belgium we were in a place where they had like a... I feel like we were in a hockey arena. Oh, every country over there has many, many leagues. Yeah, but they're just... And pro leagues. Pro leagues as well, yeah.

I'm just... You're asking... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like Israel. I know Israel's a basketball town. Israel likes basketball, Turkey. But basketball's... China, that's the number one sport now, basketball.

That's their favorite sport. Is the rim eight feet high? They're not super tall. No, no. I don't want to be as crass as Joe here. That's why my cousin moved to Japan. Joe, don't do the eyes

for the people who are listening. That's why my cousin moved to Japan so he could play center. Really? No, Stefan Marbury. You remember Stefan Marbury? Oh, he's like a kid over there.

Yeah, he just, he never, I don't know if he's done playing over there, but they have a statue of him over there because he won so many games and he's just like, I'll just go over here. I he's like a kid over there. Yeah he just he never I don't know if he's done playing over there but they have a statue of him over there because he won so many games and he's just like I'll just go over here

I'll get paid a lot of money he goes I haven't learned Chinese I just point stuff at menus I reckon I'd like to see baseball in Japan I reckon the quality would be quite good.

That's their favorite sport I just saw a map of every country's favorite sport. I thought Japan's really good at baseball. Yeah yeah they just won the world baseball classic yeah.

Yeah they have the they have like the Babe Ruth of Babe baby yeah um they always win world series too but i think they cheat right like the little league world series some asian kids they're like 30. you think they're cheating it's just they're full i'm not saying they're like hey that guy ran home no one you know what um the loser point? Is that a thing? So in hockey, because too many teams, it used to be up until like the mid-80s where there was ties, maybe in the mid-90s.

So teams were like 10 minutes left in the game. There wasn't excitement. People were like, oh, we'll take the point. It used to be you get two points for a win and one point for a tie. So what happened was they're like, oh, we don't want that. We want to have it so there's

an end, especially for America. People want to leave either winners or losers. Americans need to have a winner or a loser. Yes, exactly. I love a draw. Exactly. Because you can fight back for a draw and you can salvage something. Right. So people still salvage if you pull the goalie and score to tie the game. So they made the loser point is

if you're tied after regulation, you get a point. If you win in overtime're tied after regulation, you get a point. If you win in overtime or the shootout, you get two points. So the loser point is the point you get even though you lost. That might make all the difference at the end of the season. It does. They add up the loser points. You add up the loser points.

Yeah, I've fucking got plenty of them. But regulation wins, breaks all ties in playoff standings. All right, and we're already talking about Miracle Nice and a shootout. All right. How many games is the Stanley Cup? It's best of seven? Four best of seven. But there's like four rounds, right?

Yeah. Because it feels like the playoffs go for a long time. Like two months. Four rounds of each. Yeah, there's three rounds in the conference and then the Stanley Cup. So you've got to win three series and then win the Stanley Cup. Who's the favorite to win it this year? Well, right now, I was going to say the best team ever. Boston

is knocking on the 77 Canadians' door of the most wins ever this season. It'll be over by now when this podcast comes out. Well done, Bob. I'll do my Carson. But it's only a couple games left. He's doing Karnak!

I never saw Carson, but I know he's Karnak. We got to open. All right. Now's the point of the show called Dinner Party Facts. We ask our expert to give us some facts or some interesting things that are scary. Why don't there's a couple. If you want a fun little story, in 1924, when the Canadians won the Stanley Cup in 1924, they went to celebrate at their owner's house,

and his name is Leo Duran, Dan Duran. They got a flat tire. And to get the spare out of the trunk of the bus, they took out the cup. They left the cup on the side of the highway they forgot about, and they left. When they came back, the cup was still there. Yeah, yeah, with a whole lot of Canadians masturbating in there.

And in 1940, which... I was just burying this hooker in the woods, the cup was still there. Yeah, yeah, with a whole lot of Canadians masturbating in there. And in 1940... I was just bearing this hooker in the woods. Yeah, because this is a cool thing. Oh, sorry? No, I was doing a Canadian thing. This is a cool thing, and we didn't talk about it during the cup, is they get to take...

That's one of the coolest things about hockey is when you win, each player gets the trophy for a while, right? They get their name on it, and they get to take it home to their town for a day. Yeah, that's cool. So the whole town gets it. They get to a children's hospital. They have a party. The whole town gets to, they can bring it to a children's hospital.

They have a party. The strip club. That too. Who's going to the children's hospital? A lot of them do, Bill. Here's the other fun one. 1940, which the Rangers hadn't won the Stanley Cup since 1940, up until 1994. So as any fan in the East, you could always chant 1940.

So they always thought it was a curse. But didn't most of their players were in the East, you could always chant 1940. So everyone thought it was a curse. But didn't most of their players were in the war? No, the last time they won a cup was 1940. So for years and years, when they had a good team and they'd lose in 1940, it was a way to irritate Ranger fans. But in 1940, when they won, having won the cup, they could pay off the mortgage on Madison Square Garden. So they went to burn whatever the payment they had to pay.

They burned it in the cup. The cup caught on fire. So they had to pee. Because it's covered in oil. Yeah, so the players peed in it to put the fire out. So they thought that might have been a curse. The curse of 1940. Oh, shit.

So here's one thing that's numbers. Couldn't they just go water or roll it in from the ice? At a hockey place. Rolling it on ice doesn't put it out. They're all drunk. They're probably about to catch on fire. You don't want to waste beer.

No, it's alcohol as well. Well, I don't think beer's So they all poured vodka on it. This kind of takes you back to it because you love baseball, right? Yeah. So it takes you back. So one of my favorite things ever is if you take away Hank Aaron's home runs, he still has 3,000 hits.

Right. So if you take away Wayne Gretzky's goals, he's the all-time goal leader. 892. If you take away his goals? If you take away his goals,zky's goals, he's the all-time goal leader with 892. If you take away his goals? If you take away his goals, he still has the all- But won't he still have goals? He won't have any goals. Wait, how does he have goals if you take them away?

He would still have the most points because they add assists as well. Oh, assists as a points. Oh, yeah. So if you just take away all his goals, he still has the most points. He still has the most points. You get one point for a goal and one point for assists. Yes. See, that's why he was the best for us. You were debating

it very clearly. You said, how do you know? There must have been another one. Lafleet Lafleur. Yeah, he's very clear. So no one's going to touch his records ever. For points, no, but Ovechkin is like 80 goals away. From Gretzky's? From Gretzky's goal. But he's old now,

Ovechkin, right? He's going to stick around. He's still scoring at a great pace. He's still one of the 20, 30 best players in the league. Yeah,ky's goal. But he's old now, Vetchkin, right? He's going to stick around. He's still scoring at a great pace. He's still one of the 20, 30 best players in the league. Yeah, he's good. How old can you play? Well, Gordie Howell played until he was

51 in the World Hockey League. What the fuck? And he's taking hits? Yeah, and Jager, Jager, Jaromir Jager. I can't stand it from a chick.

I remember Jaromir Jager played until he was 50. Jaromir Jager, who won his two cups as a Penguin, he is still playing over in Czechoslovakia or Czech Republic. He owns the franchise, so he goes, he sets out. They need him to play, and they sell out when he plays.

How old is he? He's 51. Fuck, can I? Yeah, I can't. Just like you were saying. I can get out of bed in the morning. Chris Chelios played in the NHL until about 44, 48, and he played minor league for a couple years.

Most guys end about 41. The most ever of a skater non-goaltender is usually about 38, 39. A couple guys made it into their early 40s. Can't goalkeepers? Goalkeepers stay. No, but they have to get split. But they can stay a little longer. But Mr. Hockey, Gordie Howe, he lasted until 51.

Jesus. Because he went to the World Hockey League for a while, then they merged. Well, Joe, thanks for being here. Joe Bartnik, you can listen to his hockey podcast, Puck Off, with Fraser Smith. And check out Pro Hockey News for his writing, his contributing writer there.

And then on Instagram, Mr. Joe Bartnik, Twitter, at Joe Bartnik. Facebook. Facebook. Yeah, you know, that too. I hate social media. It's the worst. But thanks for being here. That was awesome.

No, I hope you had fun. Thank you for being on the podcast, Joe. Always a pleasure. Never a chore. If you're ever at a party and someone comes up to you and goes, can you explain icing to me? You go, I don't know about that. And walk away.

Good night, Australia.