I Don't Know About That - Kinky History w/ Esmé Louise James

Episode Date: November 29, 2022

Esmé Louise James (@esme.louisee) guides the group through kinky history. Our merch store is now live! Go to idontknowaboutthat.com for shirts, hoodies, mugs, and more! Subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/IDKAT for ad free episodes, bonus episodes, and more exclusive perks! Tiers start at just $2! Go to JimJefferies.com to buy tickets to Jim's upcoming tour, The Moist Tour.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

soccer hatter glover which one's a sport well you might find out but I don't know about that it's a trick question none of them are it's called football

so there you go. That one threw you out. If you're just listening to the podcast and it's, look, you're listening to this four weeks late, you must be in a happy place watching Australia winning the World Cup after our first defeat to France and we went on to give Tunisia an arse kicking and then a draw with Denmark and then we get into the pools and what did we do? Look, I love England.

I love them, but that was a penalty and we won that one. So that was good. That was good. Then we met up with France again. Who would have thunk it? And this time we gave them a good ass kicking, fucking 6-2. 6-2? That's high scoring. scoring yeah and out of nowhere

and in the final we met with saudi arabia who were undefeated all the way through starting with argentina and all the other teams they built and the saudis they tried to pay fucking people off uh but it didn't work out there's not enough oil money in the world to stop the great Socceroos. Congratulations, Australia. Congratulations, Australia. Are they normally this good? Oh, no. You know, no. This is a miracle year.

No, not a miracle. They trained hard. They trained hard. They deserved all the breaks they got. Very good. Graham Arnold, our coach, was a plonker of a player. Hopeless player. I always said a hopeless coach.

He was the slowest striker in history, but he was a defender. He wasn't any good. You could have an open goal and fucking miss it. But now he's coaching the team, and he's a wonderful coach, and off we went. And all the players now have been signed up to European teams, and Australia looks to be the dominant force in world football for the next 20 years. Congratulations.

Thank you. It's amazing. Thank you. I was very happy. This is our new America's Cup. Or alternately congratulations to Brazil, Germany or France. Yes, there is another argument for that. That's on a different timeline.

It's not on this one. Look, I tell you if the Australian soccer team win the World Cup after this loss to France, fucking Disney, sharpen your pens, mate, because you're all going to have to write a big check for this film. Sharpen your pens. You can't sign a check with a pencil, Forrest. You're going to raise it out. I've never even heard that.

You know, sharpen your – don't you ever say sharpen your something because you're going to have to sign something? Yeah, yeah. But, you know, plonker is a good word. You know, sharpen you. Don't you ever say sharpen you something because you're going to have to sign something? Yeah, yeah. But, you know, plonker's a good word. You know, there's certain words that sound like what they are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good word, plonker. It just sounds exactly like what it is.

It doesn't sound like anything positive. Plonker's never like, oh, you look like a plonker. You look great. Yeah. Yeah, America, I'm watching them as well. I'm keen on the Canadian team. They haven't played yet. I think the Canadians are going to do all well. I'm keen on the Canadian team. They haven't played yet. I think the Canadians are going to do all right.

I got, yeah. Ooh, goal. Yeah, and I'm looking for the Dutch I always follow. So my teams are the Netherlands, Canada, America, England, and Australia, of course, who are going to win the World Cup. So I've got one good team in England and the rest are underdogs. I like an underdog. How's the US doing? You guys drew

to a pretty shitty Wales. Should have won. Yeah, you should have beaten Wales. Wales aren't good. Yeah, I don't watch. Understandably. I was listening to the radio coming over here and the fucking sports people were like, I don't get it.

There was a nil-all draw, a poll in Mexico. That's 100 minutes of my life. Fuck you with your fucking soccer hate. I hate when they soccer hate like that. Drawing's fine. Yeah, it's like- A tie, that's normal. Yeah, but I also understand it's not for you, maybe.

It's like, I can't understand anyone. People do the same thing with baseball. I like baseball as a slow sport, and people fucking, how can't understand anyone. People do the same thing with baseball. I like baseball as a slow sport. People fucking, how can you watch it? It's so, shut up. By the way, it's much easier to score in football. And there was two ties in football this year. And that's even worse.

And they have an overtime. Yeah. And there's still two ties. So, you know, whatever. There's been lots of goals in this World Cup. It's been goal heavy. We're only with day three. Yeah.

Like at the Englandland game if they were touchdowns it would have been 42 to 14 exactly yeah and you would have said that's a fucking amazing game yeah that's fine everybody yeah yeah um you got some shows coming up i do i'm in asia i'm in asia except for china with the china flu. Some people call it COVID. Some people call it the China flu. No, you do, Trump. Just you. You're the only person that calls it the China flu.

I think even Trump supporters are like, I'm not going to call it that. Yeah, yeah. Everyone calls it COVID. You might have your racist sort of ideals of where it came from, but no one's calling it China flu. And some people call it COVID. That's what he said. And some people.

The whole world calls it COVID. A few outliers. Some people point at Fauci. A few fringe people and their conspiracies call it COVID. Yeah, you got a bunch of dates starting in South Korea. South Korea. Taipei. Taipei. Taipei.

Tokyo. Tokyo. Thailand. Kuala Lumpur. Singapore. Jakarta. And Denpasar. And now, if you've ever wanted to come and see me in Europe or the UK,

those tickets are on sale now. Go to jimjeffries.com. I'm all over the joint. I'm doing all the major cities in the UK, and I know there's some people sitting in the UK right now going, Liverpool, you're not doing Liverpool, because I've gotten a hate mail from the Liverpoolians. Puglian?

That's the term for a person from Liverpool, Liverpoolian. Wow. The nickname is a scouser. These all sound really negative. A scouser, yeah. A scouser, that's what you call it. Would a scouser yeah a scouser that's what you call it would a scouser be a plonker

feels like yeah no scousers scousers like they like being called a scouser yeah a scouser does that have any meaning

I think it comes from some fucking budget soup they used to drink like when they called scouse or something it comes from that it comes from some like like

povo type of meal that they used to do. Pavo? I'm learning so much today. Pavo is short for poverty. I figured. Pavo is more of an Australian term.

I'm mixing a lot of cultures right now. So what's the name of the person from Sydney, Jack? Isn't it a Sydney cider? Sydney cider. That's what a Sydney cider? Sydney cider. That's what I am, a Sydney cider. Is there a cider made in Sydney, like an apple cider? No, cider, S-I-D-E-R.

I know, but is there a cider? No, no, there's a marking. There you go. Yeah, Sydney cider cider. What's a person from Perth called? This one's a real fucking weird one. Because there's Adelaide Adelaideans, Brisbaneians, Melbourneites, I believe, Melbourneites.

And I might be wrong on that one. And then people from Perth are called? What do you reckon? Perthos. Yeah, Pertho isn't a good name. No, Pertho sounds like you're special. Yeah, he's a bit Pertho. Yeah, yeah, yeah Talk slow

They're called sandgropers What? No, they're not Yikes No, they're not Yeah, they are What? They're called sandgropers

Oh, boy Like in a textbook Is what you would call them? This is like a proper term Sandgroper? A politician would be able to say it Unreal And no one would pull them up

Unreal That's the official term Sandgroper Is it really sandy over there? Sandgroper? A politician would be able to say it and no one would pull them up. That's the official term, sandgroper. Is it really sandy over there? There's a lot of beaches. Okay. There's loads of beaches. But it's beach sand, not like desert sand.

It's beach sand, yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah, but there's also loads of desert as well. Okay, okay, I get it. They're groping a lot of sand. There's beaches in Sydney and Melbourne and Brisbane too. They don't call them sandgropers. Yeah, but they were the last place we named. They got more inventive.

Are they groping the sand or are they groping the people on the sand? No, no, no. They look at the sand and they grope the people. Some of the city dwellers take up the gropers. City dwellers and the sand... What was it? Sand gropers and the Sydney-siders. See, what do you get called someone from Atlanta?

Atlantean? I actually don't. I know Georgian is whatever. Georgian. I don't know Atlanta per certain. Californian. California. Angelinos.

Angelinos. Yeah, I'm an Angelino. Kelly, look up Atlanta. I actually have no idea. I don't know about Miami. I think it's Atlanteans. Miami. Miamians.

It all sounds weird. I don't know. Yeah, Miamians. I don't know. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Angelino. Atlantan. Atlantan. That makes more sense.

Miami. I don't even know Miami either. Sandgropers. You know those Sandgropers. Miamian. If I just called someone a sand groper across the room you'd go whoa I mean I did when you said it initially

felt like there was like a DJ scratch going on in my head as soon as you said that look up Perth and see if there is like a one that has like the name of the city in the name. First thing, a person from Western Australia is called a sand groper. It is a native insect

only found in Western Australia. Oh, so it's the whole state. It's not just people from Perth, but the whole state, like Georgian, they're called sand gropers for Western Australia. You have a few dates

in the States in February. You have some in Vegas, February 10th and 11th. Yeah, we had a great time in Vegas coming soon. You have Bensalem. It's not Bensalem, Bensalem, Pennsylvania at a casino. And then Windsor, Ontario. Yeah, that's near Allentown or something, isn't it? I've been there because I remember the Billy Joel song

when we drove through Allentown and I sang the song. And then you go to the UK. So you're in Scotland and all and all over england and ireland a bit and then you come home for a bit and then you go back to europe the pre-sales on all the gigs look i'll always be honest with you people right the pre-sales on the gigs have been awesome for uh europe and uh britain except for one city one city's not selling i told my agents i said hey can i guess i said make sure you put me here i've always wanted to perform here oh can i guess yeah milan milan yeah milan they're all they're all eating pasta and dressing nice and they don't want to see some

shit kicker comic fucking swear he's ass off it's the first stop on the tour too on that europe tour you go milan berlin prague warsaw helsinki and so on everything else sold like 30 40 percent in the pre-sale like right away which is like really high numbers right and then and then i went well there must be missing a zero there on milan it's the first stop on the tour though so you get to go enjoy italy you go there get there a day earlier yeah get there a day earlier you get there cancel the gig live your life yeah no I'll get there they'll be it's about a 3,000 seat it's gonna be the moment if it tickets stay the same it's all the yacht people you perform for I already knew because I was either gonna guess that or spangs you hadn't been the do you think it's because of that joke where I went,

if there's any Italian-Americans in the room, you're not welcome. That's Italian-Americans. They probably feel the same way, though. I thought they didn't like Italian-Americans. I don't think they do. I think we'll put that clip out there. Yeah. Well, come on, Milan. Get off your Vespas and get some tickets.

Get in there. Come on, man. Maybe it just hasn't been advertised much in Milan or you're too busy having a... 3,000 seats here. What do they do? They have a... I don't know.

That's Spain. They seem to nap in the afternoon, though, the Milanians. Yeah, but also what... I know you wanted to go to Italy, but Milan is just kind of... You'd think it'd be like Rome or... I just said, put me somewhere in Italy, and this was the only theater that bit. I thought Rome would be there.

No, I made this request to my agents. Like, oh, they're not big comedy audiences. And I went, oh, I sell tickets anywhere. Because remember, we did that. We did the, I don't even know if we ever talked about that. You did the private. I did a corporate gig whilst in COVID, which was zoom so me and forrest did it we got we did suits from the waist up it was like a q a thing but you knew it jack was in the room prodded it yeah i did all the tech

stuff yeah they loved you yeah yeah and i had to do jokes to people who were buying luxury yachts yeah because we had to do it like a talk show where i was like feeding you questions yeah yeah yeah yeah and then you wanted to do the the bit the uh michael jackson bit yeah and so the the question i was supposed to feed to you was about your kid's talent show and i go hey does your kid have any talents and it was like so early in the morning you're like you bet him what do you think and then a minute later you you're like, hey, what did you mean by that? I was like, you know, the thing. Oh, yeah, hey. It was over Zoom, so there was no laughter or anything.

It was really early in the morning, and they built luxury yachts. They were dead nice. All the people around the country were really nice. You could tell they were killed over laughing, but there was no sound. You could see videos of people rocking. The hosts were laughing, but we couldn't see any of the other people that owned these mega yachts that were like that. Yeah, but they apparently liked it. And he said, you should come to Italy. I remember he goes, yeah, you're like, yeah,

I've been trying to come to Italy. So here you go. You should call that guy up. You know what happens? Like when you put the tickets on sale, people put up posts and they go like, they put up like, I got my tickets to see Jim Jefferies. Front row or whatever.

I got meat and gravy or whatever. People post on their social media and they tag me. So I see these posts. You repost them? You should repost those. Yeah, I don't know how to do that. I don't. Jack will teach you.

Yeah, if you repost those, then other people will buy the tickets. Yeah. So I got like, I think I got all 80 people from Milan. They were all like, no one ever comes here. Yeah. I got tickets to see Jim Jefferies. And then I was looking at their posts and then like all their other posts were getting like 1,000 likes and this was getting nothing.

I was like, it's not catching on. Low ticket alert, Milan Italy. Low ticket alert. Helsinki's almost sold out. Wait. Low ticket alert. Milano, Italy. Low ticket alert. Helsinki's almost sold out. Wait, high ticket alert. Yeah, high ticket, low ticket alert for Helsinki. It's almost sold out. I got a day off afterwards.

I've already told my agent, I said, maybe we should whack another show in Helsinki. I've got to thank the people of Helsinki. Helsinki was fun. Last time we did it, the show was killer. The killer? I remember the show was killer. It was like, you're almost, it's like it's a cross between

like a Scandinavian country and Russia there. So it's like the Scandinavian culture, but a little bit like. Vodka. I don't think that. I just think you're sexy Scandinavians. I don't know. I think that's what they say. I don't know.

It was fun. I don't want to get into why Russia's in the bad books. Why Russia right now? Why are you using Russia as a good descriptor? You're the good parts of Russia. It's like a cross between a Scandinavian country and Saudi Arabia. That was a great gig.

I remember the venue, too. It was all wooden. It was really cool. Also, Copenhagen was a banger of a gig. Copenhagen was great. It was a banger. Yeah, it was going to be fun. Iceland's doing good?

Iceland's doing fine. All of them are doing good except for Milan I don't have a complaint with any ticket sales in Europe or or

or the UK I guess 30-40% this far out is awesome I'm very excited to these tours I haven't been this pumped

for a long time well for anyone who can take a quick a quick trip to Milan you'll get a really intimate show you should you should go there if you if you to Milan, you'll get a really intimate show. You should go there. If you go to Milan, you'll get to put your legs up. You'll be able to put a box of popcorn next to you.

The whole show's a meet and greet. Yeah, exactly. If you buy a ticket in the balcony, you can fuck up there. It'll just be you and whoever you bought. It's the Columbusumbus ohio of europe do you have any messages for any of the asia countries uh well this is funny because me and jack had to do some video things for to you know sell the last few tickets in asia and uh uh so we we do these sort of targeted marketings where I have to go,

hello, Japan, I'll be coming to see you whatever the date. Buy tickets here. You don't have to do those ones, right? And Jack got given all the copy from the promoters and they put their own flair into it. Like remember when we did that South Africa gig? Oh, I found them. And that's going to be on the Patreon. Oh, yeah.

I found the South Africa promos oh my god did you find the Hong Kong ones too? oh those are bangers I couldn't I'll search for those I'll search for those

those are good ones too I remember the guy's name so I can find it I remember waking up in the morning in Hong Kong and it was like it was an email thread between me

Scott Andrew and Cass and whenever I responded it made everyone laugh something like oh boy something like that oh i remember the guy's name i'll be able to find it yeah yeah those are bangers well i ended it but they were doing this whole kenichiwa japan saudi crap thailand

and i'm like i'm not doing it because i don't know how to pronounce them correctly and i get offended when anyone does the g'day without having the right accent. I get offended. By the way, speaking of Asia, JJ and I will do a show while we're in Thailand there too at Bangkok Comedy Club on December 10th. So if you're there and you don't want to see me, but you just want to see Forrest and Jason. No, go to both. Go to both. It's a to see me, but you just want to see Forrest and Jason. No, go to both.

Go to both. It's a small comedy club, but there's plenty of tickets. High ticket alert. But comedy club Bangkok. I don't know why it's not Bangkok comedy club. I'm going to come along. I'm not going to perform, but I'll be sitting at the back. Yeah, December 10th.

And then on the 21st, I'll be at Comedy Masala. It's after your tour is done. I'm going to go back to Singapore and do Comedy Masala. I'm going to do my own show in Singapore on the 21st, Comedy Masala. Comedy Masala. It's after your tour is done. I'm going to go back to Singapore and do Comedy Masala. I'm going to do my own show in Singapore on the 21st, Comedy Masala. Comedy Masala. Yeah. So check that out. Check it out.

All right. Ads. Oh. Oh. It's been a long intro. Ads. This is more of a Patreon now. Ads. Ads.

$100. All right. Please welcome our guest, Esme James. Hello, Esme. Now it's time to play. Yes, though. Yes, though. Yes, though.

Yes, though. Judging a book by its cover. All right, so Esme, I'm going to suggest that you, if this isn't your topic, this is something that goes on in your life, obsessive compulsive disorder. You have all your books color-coded. It's not the Dewey Decimal System. No one ever goes, oh, no, that would be in the pink section.

I didn't notice that. Sorry. No, no, I just can't believe that. I don't think anyone's picked my diagnosis within like 30 seconds of meeting me before. This is wonderful. Let's be friends. I think you'd be a bit too much for me, isn't he? I'm a pretty cluttered type of fella.

You're there going, I've hardly unpacked. What you've done to your bookshelf would take me fucking weeks. That's why we can be the yin to the yang, you know, all that kind of stuff. I'll balance. I'll unclutter. I'll clean up your life for you. So are you involved in psychiatry in some way that feels

like something you do? Is that what it is? No, unfortunately not. Nothing medical? No, nothing medical. Nothing medical. The entertainment business? Kind of closer-ish.

Has it got something to do with Australia? No. Okay, so it's very specific, what we're talking about today. Oh, that narrows it down. But it's historical, okay? I'll say that. But it's something specific in history, so I'll give you that. Does it involve war?

No, it doesn't involve war. Okay, it doesn't involve. Does it involve the liberation of something? Whether it be a country or a gender. There's liberation involved. Yeah, yeah. In a metaphorical sense, sure. Is it the sexual revolution? I mean, you're getting close.

You're getting close. Yeah, we're very close. The invention of porn. I mean, okay. Yeah, we're going to give it to you. We're going to give it to you. We're going to be talking about kinky history today. Kinky history?

Yeah. All right. Do you know what that is? I know what kinky is. It's going to be talking about kinky history today kinky history yeah all right do you know what that is i know what kinky is it's gonna be people's kinks yeah but do you know what history is yeah that's yeah i knew you know what kinky was yeah um esme louise james is a phd candidate phd candidate at the university of melbourne studying the emerging genre of the pornographic novel in the 18th century uh esme is best known for her TikTok series, Kinky History, which boasts a following of over 2 million. Esme was recently nominated for Best Digital Creator

at the Australian Academy of Television, Cinema, and Arts. And she also gave a TEDx talk in Sydney on writing kinky sex in history. Kinky History, the book, is set to be released next year, and you can find Esme on TikTok, Instagram instagram and youtube at esme.luise and that's e-s-m-e dot l-o-u-i-s-e e is it two e's down there got it it's two e's because i like to be difficult yeah okay um thanks for being here can you uh without giving away any any answers to jim talk about a little bit what you do and uh there you go absolutely uh so my research area is into all of the very saucy little secrets that we generally leave out of our history books um and looking back on the history of questions

of gender identity sexuality which are obviously like big, bold topics today. But my work is basically to show that they have always been conversations that we've been having. They've always been a part of who we are and they often are very entertaining to talk about. There you go. All right, so we're going to ask Jim a series of questions on kinky history

and you're going to grade him at the end of these questions, zero through 10, 10 being the best on his accuracy. Kelly's going to grade him on confidence. I'm going to grade him on the end of these questions, zero through ten, ten being the best. On his accuracy, Kelly's going to grade him on confidence. I'm going to grade him on et cetera. We'll add those all together. 21 through 30, dildo. 11 through 20, dildont.

Zero through ten, dildo. Dildo. Dildo. 21 through 30, dildo. Dildont, 11 through 20, and then dildont. Ready? Yeah. What were 17th century condoms made from?

Lambskin. Lambskin? Yeah, they still have lamb something ones. Okay. Which food was used as a form of birth control in the 1700s? It'd be something that smells bad, so you didn't want to shake. For me, bananas would have worked. If a woman was eating a banana, I'm not going to fuck her.

What about for the other people in the 1700s? I'm not going to make love to her. No, no, no. For other people, what would the food have been in the 1700s? Contraception. It would have been garlic. Garlic always seems to be prominent in these type of things.

Maybe that's what that vampire thing came from. Yeah, yeah. What was the doctor prescribed cure for female cases of hysteria in the 19th century? They used to put a vibrator down there and give them an orgasm because they didn't acknowledge at that stage that the female orgasm existed.

And the doctors thought he was doing a medical procedure and then them shaking and squirting a bit around the room, he went, that's her fix, which probably is true, which is probably true until her next doctor visit. She's like, oh, I was fixed when I got home and then I thought to myself, I might need to get fixed again. Many exorcisms.

Okay. What is, quote, mattress polo? Mattress polo is where you lay the woman on the ground, you hit her with a stick from up high on the mattress. Well, it has nothing to do with sex. I didn't say what the stick was made of. Okay. In the 1960s, a woman usually had to be blank

to obtain birth control pills. Oh, a woman normally had to be blank to obtain birth control pills. Oh, a woman normally had to be blank to obtain. I'm going to say married. Okay. What was the name of the massive orgy put on by Pope Alexander VI of the House of Borgia in 1501? Pope? Coachella 1.

Who headlined that? It was just a fuck fest. The bands came much later. Okay. Coachella 1. Is that your answer? Yeah. Okay.

What sex toy did Cleopatra supposedly invent? I would say the dildo would have been Cleopatra's what was her version like it would have been like a snake like a what was it made out of you think gold she would have whacked it up there

would have been good because the snake would have had a little tongue that went up like that if you turn around it would have hit the G spot probably a good model to this day Cleopatra yeah that's why the pharaohs always wore those snakes in their hat

so they could go down and give a – they used to call it a head-butting. They came up with a better term later, but that's in the old days instead of cunnilingus. What is an eromenos? E-R-A-M-E-N-O-S. Oh, eromentos. Eromenos. That's when you put a mint up there to make it smell good.

Error on the side of caution. How old is the oldest dildo and what was it made of? Betty White. She was the oldest dildo? She's not living anymore. The oldest one would have been found in Tutankhamen, like a pyramid scheme. No, it would have been in Egypt and it would have been made out of –

I know, fuck it, I'll move over to India. India's always got like the caramel sutras, which are just when you fix a wound with caramel. which is just when you fix a wound with caramel. But they were big on using... Jade is more other bits of Asia. I'm going to say it's made from jade, and it's like that little thing that they find the emperor in in the Temple of Doom at the beginning,

but it's a longer version of that. Okay. What is the beggar's benissim? The beggar's benissim. Yeah. That's a squirt trough that men can swim in afterwards. What the? The women, they walk legs akimbo over the trough

where people give them orgasms. They catch it into the squirt trough and then the beggars swim in it. It's the beggars' swimmerson. Benison. What is injurious non-consummation? Injurious non-consummation, that's anal probably. It would be for when couples like before, I'm not having sex before marriage, but you can use me as.

The love seat that we know today is just a couch, but it was originally invented for who and why? It was originally invented for Caesar because he was always laying on one of them getting fed grapes and shit. And it was just for him to have young boys waiting there for him. It was like the waiting room at the doctor's, but it was Blake's that Caesar was going to nosh off. Who invented the first cock ring and what was it made of?

The first cock ring was invented by Nelson Mandela. Oh, my God. It was from ivory. It was very controversial. Killed an elephant. Yeah, my God. It was from ivory. It was very controversial. Killed an elephant. Yeah, in Africa at all, it was just the end of a tusk, and he cut it off, and then he dug through the middle like a circle. I would have had the pointy end of the tusk for my cock ring,

but he had Nelson Mandela. During World War I, members of the British Secret Intelligence Service discovered they could use what as invisible ink? Oh, piss. Piss? Yeah, urine can be used as invisible ink. Oh, okay. Caffeine they're great, employed blank to get aroused.

Prostitutes. Good guess. Yeah. It would work. It would work. Makes sense. You can only employ so many things. It wouldn't have been accountants though, right? Oh, that gets rough.

What's a merkin? A merkin is a pubic hair wig. And why was it invented? Because, you know, well, there's a big stigma around wearing a merkin. My father actually lost hair above his penis and he just grew hair out the side of his thigh and whipped it across.

And he was shamed for it a long time. He thought it looked natural and did from straight on. But when he walked, it was no good. It was a gust of wind. Okay. A couple more questions here. How were brothel tokens different than actual money? It's this,

brothel tokens are the same as like when you go to a theme park and they give you like Disney bucks or something like that. It's like regular money but it's fun.

Yeah. It's like Pepsi dollars, you know, to get all that stuff. Brothel tokens. So it's like, I never heard of it. You finish a gig,

you finish a gig and they go, do you want to be paid in cash or brothel tokens? I can give you $200 in cash or $300. It's like a gift card. $300 in brothel tokens. And you're like, I'll take the brothel tokens.

I'll make me money somewhere else. Okay, last question. How did giving someone bunny ears originate? Whoa. You know what we're talking about today, so it's going to have something to do with it. Yeah, that would have been the shocker. It would have been, I ain't asking vagina.

The original shocker. Take a picture. It was in the ass and the pussy, and he's banging like that. And then he didn't have enough respect for her afterwards, so he was wiping the back of her hair. Look, I wouldn't do this. I wouldn't do this.

I just know this guy's a bad dude. So he's cleaning up his fingers on her hair, and then someone took a photo, and he's laughing, and he did it, and then the bunny is, and they went, oh, that's what he was laughing at, and he's like, yes, that's what I was laughing at. Esme, how did Jim do on his knowledge of kinky history? The question will be asked from zero through ten, ten being the best. Oh, look, I've been very generous with my marking

because I believe that the creativity that was displayed here today was truly phenomenal. So, look, I'm going to give you a solid six. It was some completely correct answers and some things that I don't know if anyone's ever tried before, but they might now. Wow. You're a pioneer, Jim. I am. Yeah. How do you do on confidence, Kelly?

Wildly confident, actually. Yeah, very confident. Yeah, okay. How do you do on confidence, Kelly? Wildly confident, actually. Yeah, very confident. I'm going to give you a nine on competency of a six and a nine right now. Fifteen.

Yeah, I'm going to give you a hundred on et cetera. They'll do. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks, everyone. Yeah. What were 17th century condoms made for? Was it lambskin?

You've actually got that one entirely right. They were made from the intestines and bladders of animals, most commonly lamb. Never mutton, they never used sheep. They did. They used sheep, they used lamb, they used pigs, they used fish, which I mean, hopefully not a goldfish, but you know, you've got to do what you've got to do for some people. But I feel like they kind of worked on like two different ways because you know you've obviously got the condom um we stop in the little spunky wonky but also the smell i feel like that's a deterrent in itself

potentially for sex what the smell of of cum or the smell of the fish of the lamb oh no i love a smell of lamb when you walk in the house you go mom no, I love the smell of lamb. Lamentestines? When you walk in the house, you go, oh, mum's cooking lamb. Yeah, the intestines mixed with bodily fluid. Oh, God. I never used a lambskin condom. Yeah, I don't think they're really made out of lambskin. They call them lambskin. They're just like non-latex ones.

They still have them, right? Or are they different? No, you can still buy your uh lamb skin condoms well lamb intestine condoms if you so please they are prone to breaking but uh you know give it a go you might like it yeah well what's why if they break why would you want it's not good then because people have allergies to latex um got it take a chance which food was used as a form of birth control in the 1700s was it garlic look i like this answer because i also don't want to have sex after someone's eating garlic um but unfortunately

it is lemon lemons yeah wait so they just how did that work that's where the term sourpuss came from maybe they uh they had like two uh different functions so firstly you would soak a sponge in lemon because citrus is actually pretty good at spermicide it's it's not the worst and then you would like squirt the lemon juice into your vagina um but more interestingly after you've done that you took the rind off of the lemon like the skin and you like popped it inside yourself like a cervical cap um so but occasionally you know guys willy wonkers would kind of come out with this little hat on them is that where we get the term lemon tart from yeah yeah yeah i could really bring this back

as like a contraceptive brand with these names I'm quite enjoying these and lemon party is a website that's uh well that's I think lemon head candy goes in person lemon party the website is and if it doesn't work you get lemonades I think it's a bunch of old dudes jerking each other off i'm pretty sure

i think this has a lot of legs i was thinking of the saying you take lemons and make lemonade i didn't know for this no but we like we know that it was used as well because it's in all of like the memoirs of like casanova and everything that he would use these with his mistresses. He was like, you know, hold on, babe, let me just go and cut a lemon up before we do the dirty. Like it was a kind of sensual experience. Is there any photos of Casanova? Does anyone know what that guy looks like?

We've got like little portrait illustrations. Did he look handsome? Do you know what? I'm going to tell you right now. Was he just meant to be a good fuck what made him so desirable did he have money yeah look at him he's hideous maybe it was like his uh complete collection of lemons that really did it for the girls the only guy with a lemon oh but if you had like a cut or if you had an STI or something like that, a sore, ooh, the lemon would burn.

Yeah. Can you imagine? Not fun. I used to work in a margarita bar and I'll tell you what, if you cut your finger in a margarita bar and you're dealing with salt and lemon all day, it's a hell of a shift. But you won't get pregnant and that's really what you should be worried about. That's a good point.

You didn't get pregnant, did you? What was the doctor prescribed cure for female cases of hysteria in the 19th century? Jim said, give him an orgasm with a vibrator. Yeah. This is kind of an interesting one because like, yeah, that's the kind of story that we know. And it's like a really well-known myth. The actual story is like a little bit different. They, the hysteria was being cured by massages at the time, which was one of the reasons they started to invent the vibrator,

but it wasn't like a downstairs massage. The actual cure for hysteria was to tell women to go and fuck their husbands. And they were told to go away to get married and to have husbands and then they would stop being so hysterical. Take it from me, that doesn't fix it. Makes it more hysterical. Welcome back to Mythbusters.

If masturbation and contraception was the cure, but sadly it's a patriarchal world and we were told it was childbirth and husbands. The only fact that this got confused. Turns out a credit card they can use that you pay off does a fair job. Give them the black card. It was totally fine. No, the fact that this got confused with was the invention of the vibrator,

which happened at the same time, but it was actually invented for men, and it was to give them a pelvic massage to stop impotence. But I don't think they... Oh, on your taint. You put it on your taint and you rub it around. Yeah. Why was it shaped like a great big cock with veins on it then?

You know. Because your dick wouldn't be lonely i don't know if you've seen any of the like uh the illustrations of the initial one but it looks absolutely terrifying it looks like something just kind of like comes out and like punches you like that um but guys would put them on the hoo-ha in the initial illustrations from the book of Dr. Granville, and they're all men. It was just him massaging their prostrates in various ways. But I don't think historians kind of liked that when they wrote up history, so we kind of swapped the facts. So 10 out of 10 for knowing the myth.

That's one of those things, you women, bloody hell. Men are enjoying our vibrators we're having a bit of fun with vibrators you can't let us have anything just for us can you you have to swoop in and go oh use that we used to be out we used to be out in the shed with our vibrators having a lovely time with no problems from you like now we have prostate cancer exactly kind of how it happened as well because they started to advertise like vibrators to bring home because men used to have to go to the doctors to get their balls massaged by them um but then they were like you know uh women you can take home a vibrator and your husband can do it himself and when this was advertised only women really kind of bought products for the household

in like this period of time. So they had to make it appealing for women as well. And so they're like, women, it can also cure your wrinkles. And so you can see all these fantastic TV adverts from like the 1960s where they're just like, hey, women, like, look at this. You can put a vibrator under your bed and cure your wrinkles. In the 1960s, this late 1960s.

This is like the 1920s. The 1800s or something. And also, I've seen about seven vaginas in me day. Congratulations. With all the vibrators that are going in and out of them, it's the wrinkliest part of the body. Yeah. Hasn't cured any wrinkles.

I've never gone down and seen a smooth flapless vagina and gone, she must have used the vibrator a lot. I'm still stuck on the doctors that you massage your balls. Nah, you haven't got the right healthcare plan. Gotta need your mouth.

Oh, you gotta go to a PPO to get that. Nah, that's a real hashtag no homo. What is mattress polo? Look, I feel like you got that one right, if not a little bit delayed. But it's a colloquial term for having sex, using your man's rod to kind of knock some balls into a hole um if you catch my drift why would you knock the balls into the hole wait don't kink that was golf

wait you put the balls into the okay got it that seems uncomfortable i mean if you've just come from your massage with your doctor it might feel a little bit better. Yeah, you put them in a safe little pocket. Oh, yeah, I got it. All right. And then in the 1960s, a woman usually had to be blank to obtain birth control pills. Was it married? 10 out of 10. You had to be married.

You absolutely had to be married. And it was like when the pill became commercially available in the 1960s. And there was also when it came to australia there was like a 30 percent uh luxury tax on it so it was kind of unaffordable but this all changed because after the war in the 40s people were having a shitload of sex um it was it kind of had this baby boom of illegitimate babies and so it was by pure demand of our horniness that we decided to make the the pill available to all women to kind of there would have been australian women just going i'm not paying the 30 i'm not doing it barry just pull out pull out this time barry get a lemon

i was reading when i was like writing the outline i was reading somewhere that after the war they were having or around the time of the war they were having tons of sex because if you if you got an sti then you wouldn't get drafted is that true that is true and we actually have a statistic that was uh during world war one um seven million man days of service were lost due to venereal disease. Like that was a shitload of time. It's actually the reason that we had condom education, because during both the wars, men were both kind of engaging in extramarital relationships, both with sex workers and with one another. And on the other end of things, when people kind of came to the shore, women were also having affairs. And so we have this absolute boom in STIs, so much so that in the military troops, they have to hand out condoms and information nor pamphlets to kind of explain

why we need to use condoms. And it was like the first moment of sex education for men. Wow. What was the name of the massive orgy put on by Pope Alexander VI of the House of Borgia in 1501? Not Coachella one, I'm assuming. I loved Coachella, though. That's a really good answer. It was the Banquet of the Chestnuts.

Any guesses, Jim, why it was called that name? Chestnuts roasting on a log. Something with nutting on chests. That was my guess, yeah. Yeah, the chestnuts, yeah. Putting a load on some tits. Look, you asked the question. You gave us the softball, yeah.

Look, you asked the question. You gave us the sample. No, so the Pope and all the beautiful church men were having this very big, eluberant banquet. And as part of this, they had 50 sex workers in attendance. And during the night, they got them all naked, scattered chestnuts all over the floor and the sex workers had to dance and pick up as many chestnuts as they could with their bodies using not using their hands and that's how it got its infamous name of the banquet of the chestnuts

i didn't even know the popes had orgies they're not married oh i guess but i didn't know that was a thing why don't they do that now there were a lot of popes that were involved in a lot of uh sex stuff being a pope now sucks yeah too much social media yeah um no what's that oh they're just uh as another little fun fact that banquet banquet followed the day before, which was a celebration on All Hallows' Eve, Halloween, in which to kind of appease the Pope's fetish, each man had to prove their sexual ejaculation prowess

and show how quickly they could come. And then this was followed by the banquet of chestnuts. So they just lined up in front of the Pope one at a time? Like pretty much. From the little fragments. I'd be hopeless if I had. I'd be there going, everyone just don't look at me. You're putting me off.

Don't say anything. You made it worse. Yeah, there's lots of religious stuff around you. Hey, Pope, can you call yourself a whore but in a girly voice? Oh, God. I love it. You have enough, like, blood of Christ and maybe you'll fill up to it. I'm not sure.

I've had blood in it before. What sex toy did Cleopatra supposedly invent? Was it the dildo? And what was her version like? Jim said it would have been a snake made out of gold, like a snake. I like that you said snake. It's close enough. The sex toy that she's rumored to have invented,

though we don't have evidence, is the vibrator. And she used a hollow gourd filled with angry bees to kind of give herself a little buzz, just kind of shaking them around in there and then putting them on her tushy. You can do it today. Just put a whole lot of bees in a Coke bottle. Murder hornets.

It'll work. I feel like this needs to come with like a do not try this at home. But like kind of fair enough. So that's the rumor. And the reason we then think that, you know, while we don't have evidence, it could have happened, was that there are some evidence of Egyptian rulers having to have sex and engage in bestiality to kind of show their dominance. So we have writings from historians in ancient Rome being like, yep, this ruler fucked an alligator right in front of me. He's so powerful. And we also have illustrations of females masturbating in ancient Egypt.

There's like this Turin erotic papyrus, which is like the largest and oldest pornography really. And on it you can kind of see a woman like squatting on a vase, giving herself, like, a little fun time. So maybe she had some bees in there as well. Like, we don't know. Yeah. The best evidence would have been bees up someone's ass if they were dead.

Would have been a dead ringer. What is Eremenos? I mean, Jim says... It's basically your ancient... Yeah, sorry, but I just didn't say that. I can't say that that was too accurate. Probably a two out of ten for that one, but you tried. I still got a two.

Yeah. I'm being very generous here. No, this is your ancient Greek terminology for a bottom, like you would have your top and bottom today in your gay sex scenario i've never understood this the whole top and bottom thing where gay people say i'm a bottom i'm a top if i was gay not now because of my hemorrhoids i'd have to be a top there's no bottom to be had i would have retired my ass that's been sealed up for retirement oh no no

no one wants to go in there if i was in prison They'd go to rape me And then go Nope nope nope Thank you And then That's how I'd protect myself I'd go Look at it

Look at it And then I know me I'd get upset When they wouldn't do it Why not Why don't you like it It's just a little bloody Yeah but

I never said that If I was gay And I had a working arsehole Right I would go I'll go on top today You go on top tomorrow That's a verse Why wouldn't you Yeah, but I never said that. If I was gay and I had a working arsehole, right, I would go, I'll go on top today, you go on top tomorrow. That's a verse. Why wouldn't you enjoy both bits of the world?

That's very, like, equality of you. I like that. You're a switch. No, I just think that's selfishness. And I always think it's good you get fucked in the arse and someone reaches around and wanks you off. Wouldn't that be a treat? That'd sound good. Do you know what someone reaches around and wanks you off. Wouldn't that be a treat? That's so good. Or do you wank yourself off or do they reach around?

They've got so many options, those people. So many options. I reckon you should probably go home and watch some gay porn. They can fuck for a long time for the most part. They don't have kids in the house that are going to come in the room or anything like that, so you're good. What were you saying? You need to watch some gay porn? Yeah, I mean that that's your reading list uh go watch some gay porn

i watch enough of it already i never watch it if you know what i mean i watch it but i'm just for research right yeah i guess it's not really a question you have i'm just thinking about like all my friends that are gay i've never been like hey you're top or're a top or a bottom. Like it's not just like a question you would ask, but you don't have to ask someone that's heterosexual. Well, that's not true. I guess you would ask your favorite position. Maybe we should start asking. I feel like that's a really fun party question rather than like,

what do you do for work? Just top or bottom. I just feel like everyone seems to be a bottom that I know. Is there a shortage of tops? There actually is. That bottom that I know. Is there a shortage of tops? There actually is. That's an actual thing. Yeah, there's a top shortage. Wow.

There is a top shortage. On your grinder. That's interesting because historically, gay sex was not looked down upon at all, but it was looked down upon to be a bottom. But now it's switched. Now everybody wants to be a bottom. But now it's switched. Now everybody wants to be a bottom. I know the advantages of the bottom.

You've got pleasure points in there. The advantage of the bottom is you don't get shit on your dick. You think you can relax when you have a dick in your ass? No, but you don't have to do all the motion. You can just lay there like women do. That's what Forrest was trying to say.

You can read a book. You can catch up on your correspondence. House of the Dragons. Whatever the fuck it shows. I think you sounded a little jealous, Jim. Do you want to try being a butterball? No, I'd have to be a top because of my asshole. But I would.

And I wouldn't be a good top. I'd literally be on top just laying with full force. I mean, you are a top, basically. Starfish. How or, what is the top called then in ancient Greek? The Eremenos is the bottom? Yeah, so it's

Erestes. Erestes. Erestes. E-R-A-S-T-E-S. And that's your older active partner. So, yeah, as it was kind of said in ancient Greece, it was really shameful to be a bottom because that was associated with femininity. So you could engage in gay sex all you wanted, but you had to be a top. And the person that you engage with had to be of like a

lower social standing than you um and there's like all of these rumors like when julius caesar um had a an affair in which he was a bottom it wasn't like really controversial because he was engaged in an affair or a gay affair it was controversial because he allowed himself to be a bottom. And we have all these writings being like, I can't believe we're being led by like a bottom. And that was a real point of controversy that Julius Caesar played the woman in that relationship. Well, he had to respond to emails. Like he needed to be a bottom

so he could get other things done. I just thought of different terms. They could use stalactite and stalagmite. There you go. Stalactite's the top. Stalagmite's the bottom. Stalactite's the top? I don't think that's tight ass. That's to hold on tight.

I got another one. Blakey gets dick in his ass and Blakey puts dick in ass. Rolls off the tongue. It's very, you know, no one knows what you're talking about. How old is the oldest dildo and what was it made of? Was it found in India?

That's what Jim said. And made from jade. That's what he thought. Look, well, we're a few years off, but I point to the Kama Sutra because there is an appearance of a dildo in the Kama Sutra. But the Kama Sutra is written around, like, the second to third century, right? The oldest known dildo is estimated to be 28,000 years old. For, like, a little bit of context, we only invented writing

at 5,000 years. So we were far more interested in having a good orgasm than trying to record it in original orgasm than trying maybe we would have invented it faster if we weren't fucking ourselves with rocks yeah it couldn't have been made out of something so what was it made of it can't be something good if it was that old no it was made out of a silk stone which you know famously is used for lighting fires in this case a very different kind of fire um but the oldest one was found in this german cave in five different parts and we have uh other models from you know five thousand

ten thousand years ago this is the oldest to date and i absolutely love this the reason that all of these have been finally determined as sex toys um is not only because you know they have a phallic shape and a little ring on the top, but because they are, quote, in the study, highly polished from overuse at the top. Yeah, but they probably only had one in the town. Probably wasn't one person. Yeah, you've got to fashion it. Once you make one, you know, it took me 10 years.

You probably rent it out like an Uber to people. I just had a business idea. There you go, modern day progress in the ancient world because of sex toys. If you've got a vibe laying around in your house and you go to work and someone can knock themselves off in the middle of the day with it, yeah, Uber vibe. Ancient Uber, I love it. But no, we have them from all over the world as well it wasn't just like uh one place that they were like hey should we have a sex toy we have them from everywhere um which i think is really

enjoyable now considering the taboo we have around sex toys that back in like the caveman age were just like hey pass me my rock um it's beautiful really it's beautiful were they shaped like cocks or what were they were they they they're marketing yeah so some of them are the oldest one is like just kind of like it's kind of like a cucumber right it's got a little ring at the top and uh then it's just kind of shiny other ones actually have balls and everything on them which is really entertaining. And one of the reasons we kind of think that they were more than just like symbolic value is that by the time we do invent writing in like ancient Greece times, there's plenty of plays in which we write about women using dildos and men using dildos on other men as soon as kind of writing's picked up. So, like, there was no debate about it.

We used them. In ancient Greece, actually, we may have used, like, their version of poppy seeded baguettes. What? There was, like, a breadstick that's rumoured to have been specific. Get a bloody yeast infection from that, I tell you. Literally. The OG yeast infection. With these polished rock ones that had the balls and all that stuff,

could a woman use them today or is it, as I suspect, that the modern-day vagina has become too coddled and doesn't like it rough and ready and needs a special plastic one because it might hurt my pussy? Can you guys just use rocks? Just use rocks. Look, potentially the vagina is a lot more sturdy than we think it is. We have a self-cleaning mechanism in there.

Like it's pretty high tech. Well, most of you should turn it on a bit better. like it's pretty high tech. Well, most of you should turn it on a bit better. This is too childish for me, this podcast. I can't do it. No, no, I think she's frozen or she's very upset. Periodic affection there.

I think you froze for a second, Azma. I'm sorry, you froze for a second. Oh, no, that's because I'm just talking about rocks in my vagina and I got scared. Yeah, yeah. Australian government. It's like when people go, you've got rocks in your head. I'm going to say, just talking about rocks in my vagina I got scared Australian government like when people go you got rocks in your head I'm gonna say she got rocks in her vagina okay we have you back now I mean police don't have sex with uh artifacts in the museum even if they're a sex toy I feel like that's a good rule yeah but could you could you do you look at these old dildos and go, yeah, that'll be all right? Or do you think that would have been rough?

I suppose it depends on how horny you are going into the museum. She said this one's really, really polished. It's really smooth. Yeah. What's the oldest pocket pussy? Where's that one? The oldest pocket pussy. We have weird examples throughout history of men

shoving things where they probably shouldn't be shoved but definitely in the 17th century yeah it's an old log or something like that or yeah yeah no definitely come in the 17th century we're trying to like shove them into like a lot of pillows and brothels. So, you know, I think that's not exactly a pocket pussy, but close. Did we find any, because the Aboriginals are the oldest people on earth. Did we find any in the Aboriginal culture? We haven't actually got any artifacts that I know of that were found here in Australia, sadly.

Yeah, the didgeridoo. The original pocket pussy. The didgeridoo works for him and for her. Yeah, it's universal. Self-cleaning. You get two women on a boomerang. Alright. What is the beggar's benison they come but they never come back nice what what is the beggar's benison is it a squirt trough that men can swim in afterwards

that was such a creative answer i did enjoy that um but no it was a gentleman's club that celebrated male sexuality that was founded in 1732 and existed until 1836. So, like, you know, a good hundred years of it. But it was a very horny gentleman's club. No women allowed into the club unless they were hookers or something? Or what happened there? Pretty much. There was some days where you would kind of bring your own partner

who could be whatever lady you wanted. But that was mainly to engage in libertine activities with her. The guys would basically get together, drink, eat, sing obscene songs. They would read pornography together. And as part of their initiation into this club, you would have to wank all together just as like a bit of communal hashtag no homo engagement really.

They still have clubs like that that are just for men. You're like, what is that? And they're still fighting. They've won an Australian that has like all these old prime ministers in there and stuff like that and all these billionaires and they had a vote while I was out in Australia whether they should let women in. And they still voted against it.

In like 2020, they went, oh, no, no. We're bloody not ready for that type of shenanigans. Where was this one, the beggars' benison? Where was this one? Scotland. Scotland. But, you know, it's like one of many. Red, hairy, bush dicks

fucking masturbating around you. Some guy called McTavish. Fucking jerk enough. I love it. That's why they wear skirts. Easy to reach. Put a wee bit of cum on this plate if you shoot too much you'll

hit me in the eye wee little wink what were you saying esme sorry oh sorry i thought you were saying i was just gonna say it's like kind of just like one of many gentlemen sex clubs around europe at the time they were really popular there was another one called the hellfire club which is actually uh if you've watched stranger things they've called the hellfire club which is actually uh if you've watched stranger things they've got a hellfire club in the most recent season and it was uh based on the myth of this old sex club that existed in competition with the beggars and was there women's sex clubs no sadly not there were a lot of women run brothels but uh is there even just lesbian bars i don't feel like lesbians get their own joints enough.

I found it. Sorry. I mean, in the modern day times. I feel like there needs to be more just lesbian bars. I feel like there's gay bars, and I'm sure there are lesbian bars, but they don't seem to be... I got an alert on Hinge one day that said,

hey, every time you buy a rose, which is just like a super like essentially, the money will go towards one of the one of the final 12 lesbian bars in America right so there's only 12

I guess so because you go to a gay bar and I might get in trouble for saying this but it is like opposite world it is it is opposite world

all the men are dancing and twirling around the room and like living their lives and all the women are sitting at bars drinking pints and it's like it's the opposite world yeah I was thinking that twirling around the room and living their lives. And all the women are sitting at bars drinking pints.

And it's like it's the opposite world, man. Yeah. I was just thinking of that one when we went to Minneapolis. Yeah. All the lesbians were at the bar just sitting there. Yeah, all the lesbians at the bar in flannel shirts just like that. And all the men are twirling around. There's a bar that we go to in Minnesota that's the one I was talking about

yeah that's the one in Minneapolis that I tell you what the gays don't know how good they've got it they've got it made there's a bloke just showering there with his dick out and you whip a note in there and then he smashes the dollar up with his penis and he just showers the whole time

yeah and then he doesn't have to shower. I love that. It's not a sex bar or anything like that. Just a regular bar with a man with his dick out hitting dollar bills up the first bed's wall. He does some handstands in there. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's very entertaining. In good shape. I've seen a lot of them. Yeah. I've stood in that bar. I think you give him five bucks. I give him five bucks, man. He's working for it.

He works hard. Pun intended. What is injurious non-consummation? Anal? Question mark. It's not anal. Good guess, though. Injurious non-consummation was when you failed to impregnate your wife

and you couldn't perform in bed. And so in the 16th century, there were what was called impotency trials where a woman could condemn her husband with injurious non-consummation and say he couldn't perform in bed. And this was one of the very few reasons that the church would allow people to get a divorce for.

So sometimes women would just say that their husband couldn't perform one of the very few reasons that the church would allow people to get a divorce for so uh sometimes women would just say that their husband couldn't perform and make it up and so what ended up happening was the husband had to come to court and he had to perform solo in front of the courts to show that he could climax and ejaculate and if he failed to do so, you know, the origins of performance anxiety, he could then request a further trial in which him and his wife in an agreed upon location would fuck in front of a team of surgeons, midwives and doctors, and they would judge the quality of his admissions and his ability to stay up. And it was then decided whether or not a divorce would be granted.

Oh, boy. It's better than divorce. Now they just take half the yogurt and fuck her every year. It sounds like they used to find witches too. If you are a witch, you would float. You wouldn't float. I would just do that. They'd go, he can't fuck.

And I'd go, I saw her flying the other day. Two can play this game. No witches, no. These became like a really public source of like entertainment as well. So people would like literally gather in crowds around the location. I'm going to the fuck trials. And they would actually. Yeah, yeah.

It was like the AFL of its time. And then like if you didn't get up. You actually got like flags. If you didn't get up, you'd boo. Boo. No, literally. Boo. This actually happened there were the absolute crowds that like learned songs and charts and they chose whether they were going to support the wife or the husband and so when they would

come out of the room and they'll be like oh he couldn't do it they would like throw tomatoes and stuff at him so like did the, I don't know. But what about, did the jury take into consideration if your wife was ugly? No. Or if she'd gained 200 pounds? Did they go, oh, all right, fair enough then? Was that ever put into consideration? No, I can't say historically.

It's always been hard being a man, isn't it? We've never had a sweet spot in history where people took care of us. So tough for you. Not though, poor man. The love seat, we know today is just a couch, was originally invented for who? Jim said for Caesar. They fed him grapes on it, but it was like a waiting room for young men.

There you go. waiting room for doc uh for young men there you go uh siege that more was invented for uh king edward the seventh um and it is a love chair that is still on display uh that was specifically made for his larger figure um so henry the seventh oh king edward the seventh was famously called dirty bertie because he was in and out of brothels, specifically one called La Chabernet. In fact, he even had a room specifically designed and laid out for him within this brothel. He was there so much. because no one can work out exactly how it works, is kind of two different levels that's meant to support two different courtesans and his own body, and no one can work out exactly how it works.

Oh, yeah, Kelly's got a picture of that. It looks like maybe the woman would be lying on top and he could stand. No, I reckon he lays and he holds those two handles so he doesn't fall off. handles i mean there's probably multiple positions you could do in this yeah it'll work yeah two two quarters and one king edward all right it's a it's a really fun uh brain fart if you want to stare at it a little bit uh but there's a very funny uh documentary of like some academics trying to work out how they would stand on it and fuck.

So I do recommend watching that. This has a doodle and it has a woman lying on top and a woman bent over on the bottom so he could just go top to bottom there. This is a creative chair. Who invented the first cock ring? Was it Nelson Mandela and was it made out of ivory? The first cock ring was invented in 13th century China and it was made out of the eyelids and eyelashes of goats. Oh, God.

To tickle you. And you can actually still buy these today scarily enough, but how it would work was the eyelids. Yeah, you can get goat eyelids. They're not at a premium. But you would basically get the eyelid and you would soak it in water and then to loosen it up, then you would tie it around the hardened member. Don't they just have string?

No. It doesn't feel like a goat eyelid, man. It's a fun thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have the eyelashes. If there's some swinger at a party just like, I'm going to go get my goat eye. Make all the women in the outside last a bit longer.

They appreciate me. Get me that intestine or that cheek there. And then I'm going to wrap a goat thing around it. And I'm going to wank off in court. Yeah, shove a lemon up there. Well, we're going,ia that's like a fun party maybe we'll get one but uh it was wrapped around like the heart and member and as you uh it dried out it would get harder and tighter and the eyelashes kind of eyelashes added for extra

stimulation for the balls and everything when was the first you know anything about that when was the first vasectomy who gave that a go i? When was the first vasectomy? Who gave that a go? I don't actually know the answers to that one. I'm so sorry. Jim just had one. Yeah, mine wasn't the first one. No, no, no. You might have been like number five.

Let's hope not. You said later on what? We're writing into the history pages. About the cock ring, you said later on what? Well, you said that it was made of ivory. It actually started to be made of jade uh uh later down the track um in china with like a little clitoral stimulation that was added on it so they were often like designed like a dragon and it would have like a little dragon head on it so

the woman's clitoris could also get uh stimulated in the meantime sorry hold on one second he's mad at the mailman oh my gosh you know the worst sex toy in the world Is the rubber hat with the dildo coming off the chin Arnie I've only ever seen photos You've never seen that? Wait, say it one more time It's like a rubber swimming hat

And it has a bit that comes down your thing here And then you have a dildo coming out your chin So you put it into the woman And you can lick out the clitoris While the motion of your jaw is going back and forth it probably feels very good but you'd laugh too much would you yes i couldn't take anybody seriously doing that all right um it's kind of like the og gimp suit yeah yeah that's true during world war one members of the British Secret Intelligence Service

discovered they could use what as invisible ink? Was it piss? It's a different bodily fluid. It was semen, and it was, funnily enough, suggested by Sir Mansfield Cumming. This is a true proven fact. I have a very gelatin-like semen. You can use mine as actual.

So you couldn't write with it? No, you could stretch it and put another bit there and you go like that. It would be permanent. Then you go like that and that's an M. That's disgusting. Hold on a second. So is that why it's called. Kind of like putty.

Is that why it's called cum? Putty. Is that why it's called cum? That's not why it's called cum. It was a, no, sadly not. Just a really fantastic, fortunate name for some man's field of cumming to have. They actually had to stop using it only because of the smell. It was becoming too poignant that it was kind of obvious that it was invisible ink. Yum.

Or something wasn't right with the letter. Right. Catherine the Great employed blank to get aroused was a prostitute it was foot ticklers and foot tickling was actually a very lucrative uh career in her time you could gain a lot of fortune and prestige by being a foot tickler um and Catherine the Great and other czarinas would regularly employ foot ticklers to arouse their feet and tell them obscene songs and stories to help get them in the mood for their lovers she should be called katherine the hard work katherine the hard work um and american is that a pubic hair wig and why was it invented it is a pubic hair wig um and it was invented

by sex workers uh all the way back i think the first entry of it is in 1450s um and it was to used by sex it was used by sex workers uh to because obviously pubic lice was a big problem and so shaving off everything and then donning your murking was a great way to get around that. And it also was used to cover up signs of other diseases like syphilis, which would cause a lot of scarring and disease in the area. I've heard that crabs are dying out. I heard that with women having smooth hair, having no hair down there,

that the crab is dying out. I read this thing. Oh, it's endangered? Yeah, yeah, the crab. Save the crabs. Bring back the crabs. We'll start a petition. There's lots of sabotage.

It's like the rainforest. I know. It was like a very serious issue. Because by the time you were in London in the 17 17th century one in five people had an sti uh like so these were kind of always living there in the early 2000s it wasn't much different so then you'd use a merkin to cover it up so okay all right i never even understood i knew what a I'm working was, but not why. But God. Okay. How were brothel tokens different than actual money?

Jim, so they're like Disney bucks, regular money, but it's fun. Yeah. So Spintria was used in ancient Rome and they're basically coins with like different sex acts on them. acts on them and no one's entirely sure how they worked but there was there has been suggested that you would go to brothels with your uh your sexy token and kind of hand it over to gain entry or even to suggest what acts you wanted what i find really interesting is that they think these sexy coins most likely were actually used as like locker, locker entry. Like you would have your like card to get into the locker at the gym today. In the sun baths,

lockers were all decorated with different sex acts and everyone's coin would match whatever sexy act was on their locker. So you would like insert your coin to get into your locker. Oh, I thought it was like specifically for ordering that it's still up for debate but there actually is like an instance where someone took a sexy brothel token to a brothel um and they were sentenced to death because their brothel token looks so much like the emperor um that it was considered an insult um and the only thing

that spared him from his uh death was the emperor dying himself so don't use brothel tokens that look like your emperor jesus how did someone uh how did giving someone bunny ears originate was it the shocker then you wiped it on the picture. That was so beautifully creative and I do plan to see that on Pornhub one day. But the bunny ears originated as a way of calling someone a cuckold. While you can kind of do it in pictures today, back in the 16th century,

if you did that to someone, you would well find yourself on the dueling ground. To be a cuckold at the time was associated with having horns coming out of your head um and so showing someone bunny ears was a way of saying your wife is fucking someone else and you're a weak foolish man um which in you know some Shakespeare plays you'll see them giving two fingers to people and that's exactly why it's a way of saying that you're being cheated on mate and you're an idiot um and it actually still has that connotation in most countries today so don't

go overseas to like brazil and do that or japan they crazy about it yeah when i was in third grade i used to do that all the time yeah check this out a lot of whores in third grade okay this is the part of our show called dinner party facts we ask our guests our expert to give us a fact something obscure interesting about this topic that our audience can use to impress people even though all of these are probably kind of dinner party facts do you have anything else yeah look i think my favorite dinner party facts if you ever want to uh kind of really bring down the tone for an intelligent discussion is talking about the sexy writings of people like mozart or

james joyce you know mozart while we play him to babies today to make them intelligent uh wrote at least eight different songs about the joys of getting your ass licked eight different songs about the joys of getting your ass licked. Really? I don't remember those. Cassidy Minor? What is that? There's a great song called Ass Music.

Yeah. Tongue punching. Clarinet version. In D minor. All right. No. Lacoste. Lacoste. in d minor all right no there's like a great one called like lick me in the ass and it's like an eight part canon so you're meant to sing it with all your eight friends which is like lick me in the ass uh lick me nicely like the licking of

roast meat to lick lick lick the ass, lick me nicely, like the licking of roast meat, lick, lick, lick. Everyone tried to lick their ass for themselves. And it was like a party round. And so when Mozart died, his wife had to send like a little note on the manuscript to be like, hey, these are my husband's compositions. You may need to change some of these, some of the lyrics. And so that was changed to let us be glad. But lick my ass nicely andick My Ass have now,

we've refound their initial lyrics and they're truly beautiful. We got to learn those for the Patreon. We can do a round. All right, Esme. Do you have eight friends willing to sing Like Me, She Mush? Oh yeah, oh yeah. Sorry.

God, at least four's four of us here. Esme, thank you for being here. You can find Esme on TikTok, Instagram, and YouTube at esme.louise.

That's with two E's at the end and we will put that on all of our things so you can see them. Her book, Kinky History, will be released

next year. So look for that. Next year? And yeah, thank you for being here. That was very enlightening. Enlightening. Ladies, yeah, thank you for being here. That was very enlightening. Ladies and gentlemen, if you ever had a party and someone comes up to me

and goes, lick me in the ass, go, I don't know about that. Ah, Mozart. No, thanks so much for having me. I've been truly inspired by some of these answers. Good night, Australia. Thanks so much for having me. I've been truly inspired by some of these answers. You know how to show you.