I Don't Know About That - Magic the Gathering

Episode Date: May 14, 2024

Is Magic the Gathering only for nerds? The answer may surprise you, almost as much as it surprised Jim thanks to our expert Dan Black (@danblackattack). IDKAT Live Show on May 21 @ 8pm in Los Angeles: https://www.flapperscomedy.com/shows/jim-jefferies-live-podcast-taping/69867/ ADS: LIQUID DEATH: Go to liquiddeath.com/IDKAT to check out all their healthy, infinitely recyclable beverages and find your closest retailer. SHOPIFY: Sign up for a one-dollar-per-month trial period at www.shopify.com/idk DRAFTKINGS CASINO: New players, start by playing just FIVE BUCKS to get FIFTY BUCKS in Casino Credits in your pocket INSTANTLY! All you gotta do is download the DraftKings Casino app and sign up with code IDKAT. 

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slash idk. Now to grow your business no matter what stage you're in. Shopify. S-H-O-P-I-F-Y dot com slash IDK. Hey, everybody. We have a live podcast next week at Flappers in Los Angeles.

If you're in the Los Angeles area, come out to Flappers at 8 p.m. on May 21st. It's Tuesday, May 21st at 8 p.m. There's a ticket link in the bio for the IDK podcast Instagram where you can just go to the Flappers website. Please come out. It's going to be fun. If you can just go to the Flappers website. Please come out. It's going to be fun. If you've been before, you know it's fun. If you haven't been, come out.

All right, thanks. Shits. Farts. Is one just a solid and one's an evaporated version of the other one? I don't know about that. With Jim Jefferies yeah that's a question you should have asked in the poop episode i believe that i believe that uh that farts are

from your i don't know i believe they're from the same place they shit at the same place but i realized that farts are probably just gas that had to pass by a lot of shit that's where i'll message our poop expert you really should know i don't know i don't know we've been on and off the air sporadically for about a month now yeah um we're back we are we're back we're back we're back i just i just wrapped up doing a movie in albuquerque that's where you were two people yeah i'm in a i'm in a monkey paw production Jordan Peele baby I'm doing a horror thriller

yeah I don't know how much I can say I play a doctor maybe I said too much ooh you're in the movie

there's well I don't know they could cut me out I've been cut out of plenty of things in this career I think you're in the movie I've been in things

you were there for over a month filming. Six weeks? It wasn't like one day. Yeah, yeah, six weeks. You're in the movie solidly. When they put the thing up, your picture's in there. I was number four on the call sheet. Yeah.

So I'm, which, I don't know if people know it. You all get designated a number. There's probably only four actors more important than you on the film, right? Well, three. The argument's three but but that's not true there's people who are way more important than me it just so happens that my character's in slightly more than some people who are like yeah you'll be in it and that comes out when september 2025 2025 i think they've got the exact date i think they've got far away i think they've got the exact date. I think they've got an exact date. September, it's like 19th or something. 2025.

So that's why we've been on and off the air. We'll be back on the air for air, whatever the fuck this is. What is podcasting? Is it on the air? We're on the ones and zeros. And I did my Australia tour and a lot of people came out from this podcast.

I'll tell you what about australians they travel the travel we're not afraid of the traveling we're an isolated country i only did shows in sydney and melbourne and if you came out from this podcast thank you very much for coming out a lot of you did and even if you came out not from this podcast too but you're not listening so because uh people flew from like tasmania canberra people drove some guy drove told me he drove 300 kilometers and like they're all just like yeah yeah whatever it's not a big deal because that's just i guess australia it's that's cool yeah i was really like flattered by that like people came out to my shows in sydney melbourne and uh um everybody that i talked to that told me you came out for the podcast thank you so much and if i didn't thank you for coming out it was fun i

lost my voice i'm still come was gone at the end of the tour so that sucked but sounds like one of those shows no it's like i had a couple it was going in and out a couple shows but um so anyways that was uh awesome thanks for coming out and you have some shows coming up jim um everywhere this week uh charleston south carolina yeah there's still tickets there and i'm in fort lauderdale this week florida i actually this is the one show i've helped you sell some tickets. Fort Lauderdale. Only one I can do. Fort Lauderdale may sell out just on the day.

Like, it's getting close. And Charleston's got some tickets. Yeah, I'll be there on those. And then you're in San Francisco. Then you have an Australia tour in August. At the Warfield. Yeah, the Australian tour is some venues already sold out. Some of them aren't.

The tour's in August. Go to jimjeffries.com for that. But I'm playing a few more regional places in Australia as well. So we're doing all over. Yeah, you're all over the place. We're doing the Margaret Court Tennis Arena, which you, of course. Okay, so we recorded a TV show in Australia

called Jim Jeffries and Friends. You weren't invited, Dan. Dan's sitting here. Dan Black, everybody. I don't know if I'm allowed to talk yet. No, no. Dan Black, everybody. I don't know if I'm allowed to talk yet. No, no. Dan Black, if you're listening to him right now and you can hear his voice, that isn't a nickname I've given him.

It's his name. He's a white guy. Could have been an ironic name. Could have been our albino friend that I call Dan Black. Anyway. No, that's my name. It probably was Schwartz at some point, but then my family... See, that makes more sense.

Change it back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It probably was, but then they were like, we don't want people to know we're Jewish. So we did a TV show, and we did it, and I had some very old friends fly out from all over the world to come and do the show, and I really appreciate it. I'm not that old.

Comics that I've been working with for 24 years, some of whom you'd know already, some of whom you've never heard of, and everyone, everyone crushed on the show. And I don't know, it's going to air on Channel 7 at some time, but I will mention something. So I do a joke at the moment. I don't know it's going to air on channel seven at some time but i will mention something so i do a joke at the moment i don't mind telling you the joke here so you can deem whether it's offensive or not but the joke is i go i support everyone in the lgbtqa

community but i have decided the plus can go fuck themselves if whatever if whatever you are didn't make it into their initial grouping of letters i go i go it's not like you go for a job interview and someone goes plus i need more information than plus if you go for a job interview someone goes it says here you're incarcerated what was all that about um tax evasion plus you know what i mean like i need more information right so that's the joke right i can't just be given plus i can't support plus right two of the ushers in the theatre in Melbourne, because maybe a lot of people won't know this because Australia has this reputation as being laid back and cool

and all that type of stuff. And we are, for the most part, some of the friendliest people in the world. Wonderful place to visit. But we have some uptight fucking cunts in that country. I'll fucking tell you. There was a couple of them that just went i'm not coming back to work it's a hostile work environment right now i can't go back because jim knocked the plus right because melbourne's a little bit more as a city a little

bit meaning that way too yeah a little bit more that way do people identify i don't know this i'm ignorant to this do people identify as plus like i'm plus no i don't think this. I'm ignorant to this. Do people identify as plus? Like, I'm plus. I don't think so. That's supposedly what happened. This is the joke, right? So the Q is for questioning or queer or whatever. For people who are just like, I'm a little bit queer. I'm questioning my sexuality. That's surely tying up all the loose ends.

That's got to be plus. That is plus. And then just a slap on the end. And plus. I think the plus is for them to cover their bases. No, yeah, it's for them to cover their bases. But there's some pluses I don't agree with. You know those cunts, right, who want to dress up in the diapers and act like they're babies?

I'm saying it right now. Grow the fuck up. Stop doing that. Is that plus? I guess. I don't know. Are like bronies a plus? No, I don't know.

Is that offensive? I don't even know if that's offensive. You know, the crazy thing is that we don't even know we're being offensive or provocative. Because we don't know. I don't even know. This is the thing. I might be like alt-right right now.

I have no idea. There's a wide spectrum of heterosexuality, but we all fall under the same umbrella. We got those fucking cunts that like the fucking mascot outfits, right? Yeah. Support a furry. Just support a furry where you can.

Support the furries. Yeah. I mean, I feel like I'm kinkless, okay? Yeah. Is that a thing? Like, I want that to be my identity. I'm kinkless. I think you're called vanilla.

The asexuals who, just the A, they've been out at LGBTQA, the asexuals just the A they've been out at LGBTQA the asexuals who don't want to fuck anything yeah they're over there I don't believe that

yeah everyone wants to fuck something no there are people that are no interest in it I'd love to be one of those I know that's part of your joke I'm growing into it yeah yeah yeah

with every day that goes by oh yeah I went to go get a testosterone shot and the doctor goes to me, he goes, oh, your sex drive's going to fucking go through the roof. And I go, me life sex drive's the thing keeping me married together. Like, you don't want to fucking, why would you want to do that to me?

I'm fucking really chill with where me sex drive is right now. Couple of times a week, I wank in the hotel on the road, good to go. You got to hit that. When you get in the hotel, you know you got to. Yeah. And do you think that's just because you know someone's coming to clean up? It's because you don't care about the sheets and you just go,

yeah, it's not a big deal. The sheets, what are you doing in there? No, because they come off your stomach. What do you mean? What am I doing? With a towel, yeah. No, I do it with the sheets. Oh, okay.

And then you sleep in the sheets. And then I go to sleep, yeah. No, I do it with the sheets. Oh, okay. And then you sleep in the sheets? And then I go to sleep, yeah. Wow. That's the starch. I just come on the mattress on the side, wipe me belly off, and I move on with the day. Wow. Oh, come on.

It's fucking organic, man. That's so manly. That's so manly. I'm way more sterile. Cut yourself for the sheets. My point is, I'm in a mainstream movie. Number four on the call sheet, everybody. Anyway, so the company ushers said that the workplace was hostile

because of blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, right? Yeah. And I'll say, I've told that joke all across America. Not one fucking usher. I've told it all across Europe. Not one fucking usher fucking quit on me all across Europe not one fucking usher yeah fucking quit on me come on Australia

we can all do better you know fuck it but you know like with all credit the show went on

and the TV production people told them okay well don't come in tomorrow yeah I thought it was going to be like a festival environment they're like

yeah we'll take care and they're like alright it's the worst time in the world to be a boss. The young people, you can't fire anyone. I've been a boss. You can't fire anyone. You're not allowed to fire anyone.

That's why I'm still here. Even if you tell someone off, right, then you're in trouble. Like everyone's answering the HR, the boss. The boss is being bossed by the the underlings there's no benefits to being a boss

I'm not even sure you're paid more anymore either I'm not even sure that's allowed the job I want least in this whole world is president

thank fuck I can't be voted in because I wasn't born here because that's because the people are clamoring for you without that the people would speak

I think you can be a senator, though. I can be a governor. I can be Governor. I can be Arnold Schwarzenegger, man. I can be... All the way to Governor because I wanted to do a campaign on the show. Arnold Schwarzenegger was the son of a Nazi. This isn't open for debate.

He talks about it very openly. In his documentary, he talks about it. His father came back from World War II. Love that song. Yeah. Yeah. The only man that could ever teach me was the son of a Nazi, baby. Oh, yes, he was.

Yes, he was. That's where he got the discipline. Back to the podcast. All right. That's where he got the discipline. So go to jimjeffries.com. He's got a whole bunch of dates. The band's organized.

Australia, a lot of stuff in the United States, your tour with Jimmy Carr. Me and Jimmy Carr across Canada. Everyone keeps asking. They're like, will this tour come to any other country? And it's probably not because me and Jimmy, like, sell exactly the same in Canada. So it was a good thing to everywhere else there'd be,

he sells better in Britain or I sell slightly better in, you know what I mean? So it was a night. It just fit together you know where me and jimmy doing and me and jimmy are mates as well but it's funny because uh that'd be a great show because you guys have such contrasting styles and stuff yeah but the same it's gonna be a great show contrasting styles but the same offensive level yeah yeah you know what i mean yeah yeah but i mean the styles is what when you're watching comedy you don't want to see the same exactly exactly and yeah and so uh and so so we're doing it in the round and jimmy didn't know and i rang him up and i said hey we're gonna do this in the

we're doing like arenas in the round in canada and he's just like oh i've never well i do have a good ass that's what he said to me so he's well up for it so so so jimmy cars i don't know if he turns around too much but it depends what view you want to get the first time i did the round was with you in tel aviv yeah and i didn't know what to do so i just spun in a circle for like two minutes and i'm like this is definitely wrong i was just like walking in a circle but what are you supposed to do i this is what i walk to different corners you you give a joke that direction you give a joke that direction you give a joke that direction you walk over here that direction and then you walk over here and then and then you reset you go

but because i always have a chair every now and again i just move my chair around so if i can do yeah but also there's like a hard cam sometimes too right so that's kind of your there's there's one um there's one called the celebrity theater in phoenix in arizona and it's got a motor that goes and it turns for you like you're one of those rotating restaurants wow i turned it off because i was losing me footing too much balance for me it's turning at about one mile an hour so jimjeffries.com go to my website foreshot and i'll be at the comedy cellar sometime now May 27th through June 2nd in Las Vegas so if you're in Las Vegas come out to a show and there's a bunch of other dates on there on for shot net I think I'm in San Francisco Sacramento etc and I did get podcast

on Instagram and merch almost right almost right there we're so close that's good we're so close to the merch shirt all right um if you're so close. That's good. We're so close to the merch, sir. All right. If you're not going to see Jim Jefferies and Jimmy Carr together, you're an idiot. Yeah. Great night out. Like what else is going on in Canada that day? Come on.

And you're Canadian, you know. I mean, your life's terrible. The tickets are selling well. And me and Jimmy Carr, we both have a connection to Canada in the fact that we're both impregnated Canadians. So,

so we've made there's a lot of commonwealth you know come flowing around there yeah you had to find a way to get your kids health insurance like i feel like i feel there's got to be some type of trade route between all of us going together canada australia and britain and our children you know all right let's uh let's meet our guests formally here uh please welcome our guest today dan black hello that's radley dan black yep yeah yeah yeah yep yep yeah that's me and then oh now it's time to play Yes, no Judging a book by its cover

Well, Dan, you're clearly a... What did you say? You would have been Schwartz. You've got a black T-shirt and ripped up jeans, but I think that's ironic, the rips in the jeans. I don't think you've really been working hard in any environment that needs to have holes in your jeans. What have you been doing oh i've been

toiling in the improv class all day i've been on my hands and knees doing and ifs um and ifs that's a yes and is that australian yes and maybe that's if you're like a detective doing improv yeah what are what are did you just make that up? Yeah, it's something like that. Yes or whatever. I thought it was Australian. And what have you. He's wearing socks, but they're sneaky, so you can't see them. What I've learned about Dan from this outfit is he shows a lot of flesh,

but just by accident. All right. So what's here to talk about? Well, it wouldn't be about holes in jeans because we have another expert on that coming in. Black t-shirt. Big fan of the black t-shirt myself. That's a look that I've made my whole life out of.

I think you'd have to know that Dan is really into this. Well, he said earlier he's into wrestling. We've already done wrestling. We've done wrestling. I know, but we might have more to it. That's fair. Yeah. And it's something...

Has it got to do with computers? Not directly. But there's a computer element, but there's a computer element to everything. Is it porn? No, but I could talk about porn if we want. I don't know. I like very basic porn.

You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. I don't know if you... You basic porn. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. I don't know if you know. You don't have many big kinks. No, not really. I can't believe women let me have sex with them. That's enough for me. I'm just glad they let you.

I said my kink is consent. It's unbelievable. I don't know if this is something you know about. You could, though, because it's in the realm of something you really are into. If that helped. That doesn't help at all. That was so vague. Couldn't have been. You could, though, because it's in the realm of something you really are into. Does that help? That doesn't help at all. That was so vague. It couldn't have been.

Like a pastime that you're into. Masturbating whilst choking ducks? I didn't think you were into that. No, me neither. I just thought it was something he might be in that you might think that I'm into. I've never done it. That definitely makes you plus. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wipe it on the sheets afterwards. Yeah. I had to see a doctor afterwards, or as call them a quack and if yeah um edit that out all right so uh has it got to do with the physical human body moving physically uh no no no, no. No. I mean, I know your thing, but no. No, no, no.

I'm sorry. I'm trying to, in the loose sense, you use your body. Do people pay money to watch this? Not really. People pay money to do this, but in a... Oh, so is it improv? People pay money to do it, but in a... So is it improv? People pay money to do it, but no one watches it. We've done improv.

I know, but... That's true. Can I add things? Sure. I'm going to loose the format. It doesn't... Every podcast goes after the plus I don't know how loose the format is. All right, I got it. It doesn't. This is not that serious. What we tell is every podcast goes after the plus in the opening segment,

and then it's very loose after that. You hear me, plus? You can give him a hint if you want. I was going to give him a hint, but you can give him a hint. Yeah, no, no. People pay money to do this, definitely. To do it, but not to watch it. To do it.

It's an activity. No, not watch it. It's an activity watch it oh is it is it a thrill sport no like it's not like bungee jumping or something not thrilling very much not thrilling and people pay to do this non-thrilling activity yes is it going to the museum i would say it's kind of an investment yeah and it's it's a pastime. An investment pastime. Yeah. Is it doing the stock market, paying the stock market? No, I don't know if it's a pastime, but it could be. It is a pastime.

No, but I own four Tesla stocks. Do you? Congratulations. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's funny, I own four Teslas. I own four Tesla stocks. No, no, not four Teslas. Four stocks of Tesla.

Yeah, but they're about 800 bucks each, aren't they? You're selling at the moment no they're like 200 they're like 170 i should check on them obviously i bought them too high uh this is okay i'm gonna just tell you they're way down it's a game oh it's a game oh is it the um the game of love romance the subtle dance of seduction it's a game that you would invest in some people invest into it oh so it is it's meeting women Is it the game of love, romance, the subtle dance of seduction? It's a game that you would invest in. Some people invest into it. Oh, so it is. It's meeting women.

Yeah. A game I don't think you've played or know about, but you could. You'd surprise me. I don't know. Oh, it's a game, Monopoly. You've played that. I know that you've played that. I've played it with you. Not to the end, you haven't.

Only cards. It's a game, but there's a collector's element to it oh collecting cards yeah almost like panini basketball cards no but it's a game specific oh oh oh it's like um no no no it's pokemon no it's very close it is pogs it is no it is it is it is Magic the Gathering Yeah I know of Magic the Gathering Yeah I think you did now But I've never actually played Magic the Gathering

This guy's into it You get the cards You collect the cards And then they've got Dungeons and Dragons Okay hold on I like playing games I'm a big fan of playing games

I've never done the Dungeons and Dragons-y type stuff But I remember the Magic the Gathering I bet you I can tell you the year it came out. We'll see. So let me tell you, Dan Black, properly introduced him as an actor, comedian, living in Los Angeles. He originally and proudly is from Long Island, New York.

No. I was going to do an accent, and then I didn't do it. You're kidding me. Is he? Is he? Yeah, we're both from trashy islands. Well, you're from Tasmania as well.

Tickets available for Hobart at jimjeffries.com. Dan is the creator and host of The Last Improv Show, a bi-monthly Los Angeles-based improv show featuring the top improvisers working in comedy. He has improvised on the main stage at Upright Citizens Brigade Theater and shows including As Cat and You Fucked Up. You're a fucked up family.

Dan made his late night stand-up debut on The Late Show with James Corden. And Dan also plays multiple voices in the upcoming season of American Dad on Fox. You can find him on Instagram at DanBlackAttack. And his bi-monthly show at the Dynasty Typewriter, the last improv show. The next show is May 24th. Go check that out. If you don't do it this month, go another month. Dynasty Typewriter is a great venue. And yeah, thanks for being here. Yeah. And Jim, you got to come do it sometime. I check that out. If you don't do it this month, go another month. Dynasty typewriter is a great venue.

And yeah, thanks for being here. Yeah. And Jim, you got to come do it sometime. I'll do it. Yeah. Just pay me in magic cards.

Um, and so you are, I don't, I, and I'm also about, I'm thinking I'm like 26 on the call sheet in the upcoming movie. So maybe, maybe,

uh, I booked a little role in the new naked gun movie. Oh, nice. There's a naked gun movie coming. Yeah. little role in the new Naked Gun movie. Oh, nice. Is the Naked Gun movie coming? Yeah. That's funny because I'm doing the Leslie Nielsen role. Dude, that'd be great.

You'd be fucking great. I wonder who it is. Yeah. Who is it announced? I don't know if it's announced. I don't know if I'm supposed to say that, but I don't know. Check it on TV. All the big actors are announced, so I imagine it does not matter.

Okay. So I'm going to ask Jim a series of questions about Magic the Gathering, and at the end of him answering them, you're going to grade him on his accuracy, 0 through 10. 10's the best. Okay. Jack's going to grade him on his confidence. I'm going to grade him on how hungry I am.

What games do you play, Jim? I'm actually playing the A.J. Simpson role in the new Naked Gun movie. Wait, Liam Neeson is? The thing that's most offensive about it is you don't want to see how I'm playing that role. Liam Neeson's the lead. He's dead. No, Liam Neeson.

Leslie Nilsson, Liam Neeson. Fucking, they're close. So close. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're so close. At the end of that, we'll put all the scores together. And if you go 21 through 30, that's a total. Wizardry, The Rally, 11 through 20, Witchcraft, The 21 through 30, that's a total. Wizardry, the rally.

11 through 20, witchcraft, the symposium. And 0 through 10, juggling, the convention. You don't want to be a juggler. Sure. I understand it's a game that it's very similar to Top Trumps. Well, what is Magic the Gathering? There's the first question. You get these player cards that will have little magical monsters

or creatures on them. And they'll say, this one's got fucking this much you know add agility points and this one's got this much the attack points and this one's got magic potion points and it's not so you play a different but it's the win the goals to win so how do you win I'm saying oh well life is by collecting more stuff than everyone else so at the end you look at your pile and you go my pile's bigger than yours i won okay and that's no his love is is how you win at life and that's how you play the game that's that's the answer the answer to everything everything's love okay it's true uh do you know who it was created by love his parents you said you knew when i i reckon i can

pick the year because i can remember people getting these cards at school and I was in high school when it first came in. I want to say 1989. Do you know the person? Oh, I got to shake your head. 1990? I think it's 94? 92.

You're not supposed to answer that. No, it can't be 94 because I graduated in 94. So it it can't be 94 it has to be 92 then but we'll find out and by whom by mr magic magic magic johnson it would be awesome if that was as good a fucking answer as anything yeah what makes the game unique you've got the prep card to protect yourself. What makes the game unique? They didn't have that back then. I know.

That's why it was magic. That's how it first came up. It was magic. Well, he seemed to have had it. He had access to it. Whatever it was. I see a lot of the cards they put them down. They go tap, tap.

There's a lot of tapping. Tap, tap. You should have said that in the end. Tapping's important. Tapping. You go tap, tap. Okay. I tap.'s a lot of tapping tap tap you guys should have said that in the answer tapping's important tapping you go tap tap okay i tap you tap tap tap well the question was what makes the game unique is it the tapping there's tapping and it's like it's played by nerds and dan that's a compliment yeah yeah dan could come in they go we know this guy he's really cool he wears ripped jeans and a black t-shirt and he's from Long Island

what's his name Swart something the Jewish Axl Rose the Jewish Axl Rose that's not bad what is Axl Rosenberg that's what my brain

was trying to do you beat me to it it was right there now Rosenberg. That's what my brain was trying to do. You beat me to it. It was right there. Now, you might be sitting at home or in your car wondering what exactly is Liquid Death. Well, it may look like a beer or some crazy energy drink, but it's not. Liquid Death is actually a healthy beverage brand that makes mountain spring water, low sugar sodas and low sugar iced teas too. I am a big fan of Liquid Death. I'll tell you how i got into liquid death thank you for asking right when my wife my current

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And t-shirts for the podcast. And t-shirts. So we've got t-shirts for the podcast. My LPs, which, you know, if you write nicely, I'll sign them for you. They're only out in my garage.

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terms and responsibility game resources uh what is a planeswalker in magic and how do they differ from other cards a planeswalker yeah a planeswalker how do they differ from other cards? A planeswalker? Yeah. A planeswalker. Do you remember when planes were invented? You wouldn't remember this, Jack. You're too young. Right.

But when planes were invented, there was a lot of blokes standing on top. That was like the big thing. You came to a flight show. There was all the planes. Whoa, there they go, ladies and gentlemen, flying in formation. And then just to end the show, and here we got a wing walker right there's always a dude that was just strapped standing up on top of the plane and people were like fucking hell of a show he was like he's already cabled in there yeah he's just a guy strapped up right like you're

on one of the like the the riddler roller coaster of six flags right it's a stand-up roller coaster it's a deep cut for you all but but yeah that was it was always a bloke standing and then we're like all right so is that a planeswalker closest thing that i know okay name three of the five colors of magic and briefly describe their characteristics. Red, yellow, green. Green is go. Red's stop magic. Stop magic. And yellow is prepare to stop magic. So green is go magic.

Or speed up through or the magic will get you. Okay. You want to guess the other two colors? You said there was three. I said there's five. I said name three of five. Red, yellow, green. Yeah.

Purple would be one. Purple. Okay. And that would be other magic. That would be, you know, sort of like prince magic. Dubs. And then fifth would be, it's a color we haven't done, orange. And orange is like, it's when the yellow and the red magic mix together.

Yeah. Okay. Okay. So it's the stop magic, go through magic, and then you've clicked and you've gone through them at the same time. Orange magic. Here you go. And magic, magic for Magic the Gathering.

Everybody out there, we're short on it. In magic, magic for Magic the Gathering. Everybody out there, this is for a short night. In magic, what does tapping a card mean? Tap, tap. Yeah. I saw the kids at school. Tap, tap. Yeah, what does it mean? There was a kid, Ben Richards, at school that was into it.

Hello, Ben, hope you're doing well. And he'd throw out the, he'd go in there and bloody tap, tap. What does it mean? It means attack, attack. Okay. It means you're going, I'm having a go at this. I'm going to put my points against you. It's like a game of risk yeah i have a go you have a go there's probably dice involved and a tap tap okay how does combat work in magic the gathering um the same way it

works in the rest of the world you wait for the president to call in some people and off you go you don't need uh the senates go ahead no it depends what's going on okay yeah that's your answer yeah i don't know okay um there's like there's not a ton of questions here i know you're not gonna i've never played it this is like asking me like how to use a vagina i don't own one we've done subjects like this. They're always like, men don't know where the clitoris is. All right, well,

stop hiding the fucking thing. Can you explain the concept of tribal decks? Tribal decks. I don't really know where it is. Tribal, tribal, tribal,

did you say decks? Tribal decks. Not dicks? Tribal decks. Because that'd be really big decks. Well, depends on what tribe.

Oh, okay. Tribal decks, that means that you can you can either they're put into different tribes and so you can go a squirtle goes with a fucking yeah a squirtle goes with a hichimo or whatever is there is there is there some japanese influence going on here oh yeah there's some japanese influence all on here? Oh, yeah. There's some Japanese influence. All right. It's not Japanese, but there's Japanese. There's a little bit of Yamamoto. What about the legendary role?

What's up with that? That's the best one. What about it? It's got Elvis on it. Okay. It's an Elvis collector car. What does trample mean? Trample?

Like you trample during combat. What's goingple mean? Trample? Like you trample during combat. What's going on there? Oh, that's... You get a mosh pit at a Travis Scott concert. Yeah. Card. Relevant. Yeah.

Fetchlands. What's up with Fetchlands? Fetchlands. Fetchlands is where the more questionable cards go to find other Fletchland people behind trees and go, tap, tap.

Tap, tap. Tap, tap. I thought you were going to be like, oh, it's very Fletching. It is tapping in Fletchland. Did you hear that Liam Gallagher, right, so he lives near Hyde Park

or Hampstead Heath, right? Hampstead Heath in London is where all the rich houses live and he lives on the same street as all these other big pop stars and stuff like that and he walks his dog there but his girlfriend called the dog uh if I can there's a whole radio thing he's got a dog called like uh sparkles or sprinkles or something like that but it's also that's the Hampstead Heath is where uh people go to get their cock sucked behind a tree, like you're meant to wander through. And he fucking lost his dog in the woods where all the gay guys were coming off. And he had to come in and be like, sparkles, anyone?

Sparkles? Sparkles. Who are the wizards of the coast? The wizards of the coast? all sparkle who are the wizards of the coast the wizard is a coast yeah and um oh they would be i i reckon if you made a movie reese darby would play one of them sounds like one of that what are you up to reese off to play a wizard of the coast in a film just done the pirate movie now i'm playing a wizard of the coast follow-up question to follow up question

tell me that reese darby hasn't got that role already wizard of the coast chick you know he just reminded me i gotta call him as a guest i got him as i got him as a guest he's bigfoot he'll do bigfoot for us i know reese all day follow-up wpn yeah wizards put oh i don't i i can't think of it formally the dci like for me the dc yeah obviously that's gonna help yeah dci it's obvious now wizards pending negotiation oh yeah you got it good you got it what's dci negotiation oh yeah you got it good you got it

what's DCI dicks yeah fun DC cocks yeah I would say

dicks cocks eyeballs yeah eyeballs eyeballs uh last question

what is what is the most thanks Jack I didn't think anyone was gonna pick it I thought I could get that past you what we're fast

last question what is the most expensive card ever sold in the history of Magic the Gathering and why was it so valuable

that would be a 1958 Mickey Mantle tell me I'm wrong tell me I'm wrong alright Dan how did Jim do on his knowledge of Magic the Gathering 0 through 10 Tell me I'm wrong. Tell me I'm wrong. All right.

Dan, how did Jim do on his knowledge of Magic the Gathering, 0 through 10? 10's the best. Oh, I mean. Tap, tap. His knowledge is very low. Yeah. A couple of good guesses in there. A couple of good educated guesses.

Yeah, Jack does confidence. Don't worry about that. You're just accuracy. Oh, just accuracy? Three out of 10. Oh, man. That's pretty high. For never just accuracy? Three out of ten. Oh, man. That's pretty high. For never playing the game?

I was going to say.5. You're going to go higher? Lower. Way lower. But it's your category. How do you know I'm confidence, Chuck? Five, because he admitted he didn't know what he was talking about. Yeah, that's an eight.

I'm pretty hungry, so I'll give you a ten on that. It's 15. Witchcraft the Symposium. All right. Nice. What is Magic the Gathering? Why don't you tell us? I don't know anything about it.

Okay. A general of what it is, what's the goal, how do you play it? Okay, so. You get your nerd friends together. That's the first thing. I never understand how these games go off, because how did you have friends playing anyway? So that's the interesting thing is that I actually,

well, I always had friends. Yeah, yeah. I actually was, you know, this is very douchey to say, but I say this confidently. I was a pretty cool kid. In Long Island? Yeah. On Long Island. What was the competition?

Were you at school? It was me and Joey Botafuco. Yeah, you and Joey Botafuco. And you're like, we used to pick on this fucking snot-nosed kid called Pete Davidson. He's on Staten Island. Oh, I'm so sorry. Like, there's a difference. Fucking hell.

There definitely is a difference. To all you fucking East Coast, like, hey, Long Island. The simple difference is... I'm a fucking Islander. Hey. Long Island, Staten Island is where Pete Davidson's from.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Long Island's where Jordan Belfort, the Wolf of Wall Street, is from. You could throw rocks at Staten Island, couldn't you? No. Is Long Island better than Staten Island? Way better. In what way? Well, Long Island, I mean.

Billy Joel lives in Long Island, right? Well, Long Island's a way bigger place, if I give you an honest answer. Staten Island's a lot smaller, so it's more of the same. Is this where Staten Island all the trash went to? For a long time, Staten Island was literally a trash heap. Right, right. And they cleaned it up.

They cleaned it up. Both in products and in people? No, still people. They got rid of the physical, like, rubbish. But there's still actual garbage human beings there. But Staten Island is actually, they're on opposite sides of Manhattan. So you have to go through Manhattan, essentially,

to get to Staten Island. So it's not that close. Are you always on the ferry? You have to take the ferry to get there. Oh, to get to the Staten Island, Long Island ferry? Dan, don't let him take you down some path you need to go.

We're talking about Magic the Gathering. Magic the Gathering. Okay, yeah, we'll get to it. Sorry, too much yes-iffing. These little town blows. I'm such a trained improviser. I'll jump on all this shit. But so, Magic the Gathering,

it's a trading card game. It's the largest, most popular trading card game in the world. And, yeah, what you play, there's all different formats to play it. That's part of its popularity is that it's only cards. So when you play, all you have is pieces to play the game. So your goal is to essentially attack and kill your opponent. The way you win, to go back to the original question, is that you get their life total zero.

If you have a starting life total, you'll attack or play other ways to drain people's life. And then if you're still alive, you have more than one life at the end, you win. How many cards do you need to play? Do I just go into a card store? Because I go to the card stores. My son gets baseball.

I get baseball cards. My son gets basketball cards. It's a little thing we do together. And can I go to the card stores. My son gets baseball. I get baseball cards. My son gets basketball cards, a little thing we do together. And can I go to the card store? Get myself a packet of Magic cards, right? Same way you buy baseball cards. Yeah, so let's say, what is this, a $15 packet or something like that?

Yeah, how many do you need to start a game? To start a game. And then am I off to the races? I bought my pack. I pull out my Squirtle and off I go. No, but yes. Put your Squirtle away. First off, Squirtle's a Pokemon my Squirtle and off I go? No, but yes. Put your Squirtle away.

First off, Squirtle's a Pokemon. Squirtle's a Pokemon. In case anyone's just thinking that I'm doing a euphemism, Squirtle's a guy, like in Pokemon. He's like a turtle. He's a turtle half platypus type of looking type of guy. He's not real. He's basically a turtle, but then he morphs into war turtle right and then he goes

to blastoise yeah I'm glad you've been focusing on your career all these years I fall into me fucking web I say squirrel

blah blah blah well it's called being informed but oh you sound like an idiot from Staten Island well I'm just on

the pulse of pop culture that's what I do I know what all the pluses are yeah yeah. Well, I'm just on the pulse of pop culture. That's what I do. I know what all the pluses are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I know I'm always spelled with a E. I've still got collectible Madonna cards. That's where I am.

Yeah, well, what makes magic so popular kind of makes your question hard to answer, which is you say, how do you play it? There's so many different ways to play it because there's so many different formats in the game evolves But the pieces stay the same so like there was a time where the way to play it was You could just open up a Like a starter deck of 60 cards and you play one view one against each other and that was how you did it Then it evolved into drafting which was you play with a bunch of people around a table you open up three packs of 15 cards you take one out you pass them

around you build a deck literally on the fly and then over time the most popular format which i play now is like every card ever is legal and there are 100 cards in a deck and it's multiplayer right so then you pass them around so when you're playing see the whole thing with collector cards don't make the corners go bad and don't put it this and don't put it. So when you're playing, see, the whole thing with collector cards, don't make the corners go bad and don't put a this and don't put a that. So when you pull a good card that's, say, worth more than 50 bucks or something like that,

you're not playing with that card, are you? You do, but you play in sleeves. I mean, I'm almost never playing Magic with the cards not protected. Basically, they're condoms for all the cards. Right. Do you have any? Yeah, I have cards.

So you own your own cards, right? But you bring them to play and other people get to use them? Wait, is this your old bag for magic? It's his magic bag. Oh, man. I can't even. You got to hold this bag. Can we cut that out?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I look like a fucking idiot. You got to hold this old bag up. It's like filled. It's filled with magic cards. Yeah, yeah. And there's a mat. There's some sort of mat here.

This is my case. And this bag would actually be someone's diaper bag, but since you're never having kids or anything, you're carrying boxes in. Yeah, no, so this would be a deck, and then, like, see the cards are... Oh, yeah, these are, like, real plastic. Like, that's, like, thick plastic.

Yeah, like this, see? And you play with your own deck. Yeah, you've got, like, what, eight boxes of cards in there yeah plus a mat you can take a look how many cards total do you have in there some of those are worth money i swear to god don't fuck with them the thing is they're hard to move they're worse yeah i do want to see um wait so how so when you if they're worth money you don't keep the cards if you win right everything's worth money just depends no you don't keep the cards if you win, right? Everything's worth money. No, you don't keep the cards.

You just play against each other. Okay, so it's not like you're playing, and if someone gets your really expensive card now they... No, they used to have that when the game first started. Oh, these aren't the hard plastic. This is just a sleeve. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you could still damage them if you looked at them.

You're bothering Dan by even doing that, I can tell. He's like, look at this. I can bend it in half. What's the most expensive card you have? Legendary Land. That's worth fuck all, right? That one's worth fuck all. That's an Urborg Tomb of Yawgmoth.

That card's worth like 20 bucks. That's worth 20 bucks. We could right now go to a store and I could probably sell that for like 12 bucks. Can you repeat what he just said? 12 bucks cash. That's a rag mouth. That's a rag mouth utopia What's the most expensive card you have?

Here we go I'm going to read you something about a person And you tell me what card I'm holding Oh my god, this is a fun game I guarantee I'll be able to do this Trample If you tap a permanent 5 mana

M-A-N-A, what's mana? It produces three times as much of what mana instead. A Nixblomation? Nixblomation? Nixblomation. All right. And this one's covered. Dude, that card's a fucking house, bro.

This one's covered in cum. That's what I do when I see that that especially because that one's a foil so i i don't even have to touch myself i'm grabbing the sheets in the hotel immediately just so people know if you're listening at home dan's got about eight boxes of cards and each box has how many cards uh there are a hundred a hundred in each so he's got eight almost a thousand cards here and you knew that just what do you tell us no i'm just I'm just saying that was impressive that you knew the card he was talking about. Bring any card from your graveyard to your hand. Bring any card from your graveyard to your hand.

What's that, regrowth? Regrowth. So that card right there. Wait, Jim. Yeah. Part of why I like this game. So, all right, a little backstory. That's from my childhood collection.

See, that card's from my childhood childhood collection and it's still playable now. That's part of what makes the game really cool is that some of the older cards, the newer cards they put together. Still smells like your mum. So the game's constantly evolving. Like as they make new pieces, you're always adjusting. So you're always like constructing. All right. So let's say I have a rag worth, right, card.

Bring any card from your graveyard to your hand. You don't know what I say? Regrowth? Regrowth. Ragworth was the other one. I haven't got my glasses on, to be fair. I can hardly read things, but it does look like a... Ragworth's like a Harry Potter.

All right, a regrowth. Get your fantasy correct. So now I have my... So I'm holding a deck of cards, right? Let me get my... So I'm holding a deck of cards, right? Let me get this right. I'm holding a deck of cards and then I go like this. I'll go...

I'll pull it out and go boom like this and everyone will be like, ooh, Ragworth. Right? And then... No, they wouldn't say that for that card but for the Dixie Bomb agent, people would be like, fuck.

If you play Regrowth, what you do is you tap. What is this one? You're all a bunch of losers, get a life. I don't know, it says it quite bold. I think that's the Jimmy card. Me and Jimmy should have collector cards on tour. That would be a fun one.

Yeah, it's called flat ass in the round. It's coming, Dan's coming. At the beginning of your end sign, untap. End step. End step, sorry. Untap all lands you control.

Walls crack. Buildings fall. Always. Yeah, what's that? Wilderness reclamation? Yeah, of course it's wilderness reclamation. I like how Dan's like,

what are you, yeah, I mean, obviously. Yardmarth. That'd be a Ragnarok Otherwise this one You're pride and joy on top Is there dice being thrown or something? I got some dice you want Is that what you need to see who wins?

After we play the game I go down the alley And throw a few dice I play magic Guys and Dolls style I have a girl and throw a few dice. I play magic guys and dolls style. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a girl by my, like I'm throwing a fucking in the casino. When you see a girl by my side.

Change the change of its toast. That's from guys and dolls that song. So what I'm saying, I don't understand. How do you know you have to throw dice to see who wins? I mean, you use dice for various things. The cards say you say you keep like you know if you have your life total you would keep on a dice

But yeah, it's not as it's it's there's dice in the game inside a dice heavy game like yeah And we call it throw bones first. Yeah Here was a question. Who created it? Magic Johnson was Jim's answer in 1989. Yeah. Magic Johnson in 1989. Richard Garfield created the game, I think, in 92. Am I wrong?

Or is it 94? Oh, you know what? Richard Garfield, the creator of Jim Davidson. God. Richard Garfield in, sorry, I'll look it up for you 1993 1993 alright

93 okay so it was like my last two years of high school because I remember it popping like a lot of people were getting like you know

so where is my I mean this is quick backstory how I got into the game is that my my dad has a brother who's 20 years younger so I had a very young uncle right right right is that my dad has a brother who's 20 years younger. So I had a very young uncle.

Right, right, right. Is that like a Rain Man thing? Yes. It is like a Rain Man thing. Older brother, so your dad's Rain Man? And your uncle's like Tom Cruise? Rain Man's way smarter than my dad. I raised Dan, I raised Dan.

Ripped jeans Dan. I recently rewrote that. I just want you to know Dan, when most jeans Dan. I recently rewrote. Ripped jeans Dan. I just want you to know, Dan, most of the time he's very respectful to the guests. No, but he's... I like Dan. I like Dan.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. When he knows you, he'll just rip your ass off. I'm not offended at all. Yeah, yeah. Look, you're doing better than Forrest.

I'm offended by how you treat the sheets. Forrest hardly knows he's dead, so you're doing better than him. I thought you were talking about as a guest. You asked me a couple questions. Should I answer them or are we moving on? No, that's not what the podcast is about. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because what kind of fucking podcast is this? Answer the question, sir. So how many dicks are you suck dead? None. None, but I can't say that for any of my straight friends. Like a planeswalker? Jim, you can ask all these. What's a planeswalker?

Okay, so a planeswalker is a doesn't... You can ask all these... What's a planeswalker? Okay. So a planeswalker is a type... Two things. A planeswalker is what you are playing the game. Because the lore of Magic the Gathering is that you're on the planes of existence. You're right. It's like a war between different planes. What's the world we live in? There's a bunch of them.

There's different like... They're called planes, which are essentially like planets in how how star wars it's like i'm going to this planet i'm going to dig about system you know like that this is planes meaning so they're just like you and they have a walk it feels like it feels like this is rife for a movie to be made about it so right now it's that's funny said to the number 47 on the call sheet oh my god i play wilderness reclamation damn black is just naked just look at his dick and he's called regrowth um i couldn't even think uh oh fuck like herpes regrowth

you're saying the movie's coming out there is a movie or no no so Netflix has a deal with the guys who are the Russell Russo brothers the guys who made the Endgame and stuff René and the other one yeah those guys love magic and they're working with Netflix but there's

apparently they can never get it going it seems like there's so many fans it seems like there's so many fans it seems like there's so many fans it seems like there's so many fans it seems like there's so many fans it seems like there's so many fans it seems like there's so many fans it seems like there's so many fans it seems like there's so many fans it seems like there's so many fans it seems like there's so many fans it seems like there's so many fans it seems like there's so many fans it seems like there's so many fans it seems like there's so many fans it seems like there's so many fans it seems like there's so many fans it seems like there's so many fans it seems like there's so many fans it seems like there's so many fans it seems like there's so many fans it seems like there's so many fans it seems like there's so many fans it seems like there's so many fans it seems like there's so many fans it seems like there's so many fans it seems like there's so many fans it seems like there's so many fans it seems like there's so many fans it seems like there's so many fans it seems like there's so many fans it seems like there's so many get it going because there's always a creative differences and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, it seems like there's so many fans that'd be losing. Like, as soon as you release it, people are like, oh, I guess we're doing this plane.

Yeah, yeah, whatever. It'd be some... People are always upset. Like, when Lord of the Rings came out, there's a character in Lord of the Rings that just sings a poem every now and again. He didn't make it into the movie. Tom Bogadale or something.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He comes in and goes, the ring was a thing that we had lots of fun. Da, da, da, da, da, da, da a thing that we had lots of fun. A mission we will go and then we will flow away. Lord of the Rings. And then he left and they went, get rid of him.

This is my Sauron deck. They did a Lord of the Rings crossover set and it was very popular. Did you buy them with tokens? Yeah, I did. Tolkens. I know, that was the... very popular. Yeah. Did you buy them with tokens? Judge. Yeah, I did. Tolkans. I know.

That was the Sire on the Dark Lord. This one looks like a Grateful Dead poster. This one. The artwork's cool. Yeah, that's like a very special

version. And there's nothing on the back of the cards? I don't want to pull one. There is, but it's just the same back since the game started. It's like the,

it just says Magic the Gathering and it's got all the colors on it. Do you want to see the Lord of the Rings one? Sure, sure. I got nothing to do. And what does tapping mean? What does it tap mean?

I'm going to tap that, bro. Tapping is just essentially how you use a card. That's how I would describe it. I'm going to tap that. Like if it's tapped, then you can't like, you can't use it until it's untapped. That's a simple way to say it. Like when you go to attack, you tap it, and then it's attacking,

so you can't attack again until it's untapped. As an additional cost to the cast of this spell, sacrifice a creature. Sound your library for a card. Search? Search. Search your library for a card. Put that card into...

Diabolic intent? No. It's not? Oh, no. It's Florence Henderson from the Brady's. I was like, what card is that?

I'll tell you, if you go back and watch the Brady Bunch, I don't know, what are you, 35? What are you? No, 40. 40, good.

Right, right. I was going under to make you feel good about yourself. I think it's the rip jeans makes me look youthful. This is what I'm going to tell... This is what I'm going to tell this is what I'm going to tell all

because women this is a trick that I'm sure men do it as well but as a heterosexual I find myself in this trap heterosexual plus I'm a heterosexual plus plus

I'm questioning my diet as a heterosexual women do this game to you they go how old do you think I am don't ask that women stop asking us how old we think you are as a heterosexual, women do this game to you. They go, how old do you think I am? Don't ask that women. Stop asking us how old we think you are because you want some glorious fucking answer.

Because if someone guesses your age, you look horrific because every single one of us go five years under, don't we? Yeah. You know, you said something funny

that I found out. Many times. No, no, no, that I found out just literally today because I asked Kate today, I said, how old are you? And she goes, you said something funny that I found out. Many times. No, no, no. That I found out just literally today because I asked Kate today. I said, how old are you? And she goes, you don't ask a woman what their age is. I go, all right. And she goes, Jim told Hank, he's like, when I said that, he goes,

you got to ask their weight first. That's an old heckle put down from the British comedy circuit. I don't know. So you go, excuse me, how old are you? Sorry, that's rude. How much do you weigh? I never heard it.

It was funny. I mean, Jim, I have a question for you because you're over 40, correct? You're 47. Yeah, you're 47. I knew that. I can tell.

But so... Yeah, you start putting your jeans back together at my age. But really, but so yeah you start putting your jeans back together at my age so like can i just turn 40 when you turned 40 do you remember like having to first say i'm 40 like the job for that i don't know i was already very successful dan no, no. What happened? What happened? No, when I first had to say I'm 40, I was at that stage. I was already, oh, no, I was getting back on the, it was just when I was getting back into the dating game before I met my wife.

And I met my wife at 41 and I broke up with my mother and my ex about, yeah, so 40. I remember dating was ever so slightly more daunting yeah there was an extra slight hurdle in science because at 39 a girl a 25 year old girl will date a 39 year old girl but they won't date a 40 year old that's what i'm dealing with now i'm dealing with like saying 39 was fine yeah now i gotta say the four four. No, no, no. Now you're 40. You're restricted to 28 and ups. 28.

Yeah, that's right. 28 and ups is... What a perfect assessment. 28 and ups. There are five colors of magic. Briefly describe their characteristics. Jim said there's red, yellow, green, orange, purple. I think those are all wrong.

They're not all wrong. One of them has to be right. Two are right. Sorry. Red, stop magic. Yellow, stop magic or speed through the magic. Green, go. Purple, prince.

What are the colors? What do they mean? Red, green, black, blue, white. And actually, there's a sixth color, colorless. Oh, well. Right. First of all, white and and actually there's a sixth color, colorless. Oh, well. Right. First of all, white and black aren't colors. White is all of the colors combined.

Both shades. Black is all of the colors combined, and white's an absence of colors. Okay, felt racist, but... White's not an absence of... No, have you seen me burn? I turn all sorts of colors. Mostly red. I have all the colors.? I turn all sorts of colors. Mostly red. I have all the colors.

Red and white. As my last name being black, someone taught me, they're like, black's not a color. I learned this early. Someone told me, black's technically a shade. Someone told me that. I think it's all the colors combined. Yeah, yeah. So I never call it a color.

When I say, I'll be like, black. I never go, if I'm telling my name for a reservation, I never say, black, like the color. What do you say? I'll say, I say, black, like the shade. Black, like all of the colors combined. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love that's weird.

Sounds pretentious. Then they see the ripped jeans. My name is black, like the label of porn I enjoy. So what do the colors mean? Oh, so the colors are, basically the cards are you could see uh have a color identity and they can be mixed uh just you know just like the people folks um each land is a swamp in addition to its other tomb of yawgmoth we already looked at that one yeah that is true what color is that one that That's colorless. It's a land.

It produces black matter, but it has no color. What color is this one? Flash. Whenever a creature you control dies, catch opponent sacrifice. Each opponent sacrifices a creature. I'm a gangster. I don't know why I'm blanking on the name of this card, but I know what it is.

I take no pleasure in your suffering, but it is necessary. Once you accept your fate. Brave pack, but the one that's one more. You'll find. Blank of blank. Jack, you weren't this one because he doesn't know what it is.

That's your card forevermore now. That's a black card though. Dictate of Erebos. Yeah, Dictate of Erebos. It looks black. See, I said it was blank of blank. I forgot what it was. That card, yeah. Give it back. You got it right. So that card's black.

Plus, these are worthless. There's like benefits to every color. Like, black has a lot of very powerful... It has certain creature identities, which are like demons, things you would think, like zombies. How often do you buy a pack, and are they bringing out new cards all the time? New cards? Yeah, they have new sets come out a couple times a year.

And you have to get those. You can't be the guy without them. No, I can't be. It sucks. Are they expensive? Yeah, magic cards are expensive. How's the magic community? Where do you meet the people?

How do you play? Is there game rooms you go to? Do you meet them online? There's local game stores how many how many sexual predators would be in the group it feels like a large amount a lot yeah i can't speak to any of that like do most of your friends have to knock on the doors in the neighborhood and tell everyone who they are uh not my friends but but, you know... I bet you can compete against these people. There's competitions, right?

Holly, Phil, and Tasha weren't mates. There's competitions, all right? So, you can play at a local store, right? Right. And yes, this game attracts nerds, okay? Is there women involved like is there ever rarely is it is there's never a good sort that comes down to the magic day i say this but i was do you do you lose a lot of your friends to diabetes

see i have a lot of responses here but i I feel bad. Okay. Yeah, podcast is one of these. The community does this, so they'll be listening. So what happens? How many of your friends have lost a foot in the last year? None, but only because they're too young, not because they're healthy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're on the track. Do you dress up?

Do people dress up? Some people do, yeah. What's your favorite character? Have you ever dressed up? And if so, who would you dress up as? I'm not into cosplay. I actually, I really hate cosplay. You honestly, like...

I hate cosplay. Do you tell people you're in the Magic the Gathering? You're doing a very good Louis C.K. here. Well, yeah, I like the... I would think people see you and hear you, and they're like, what? Like, you play this? Yes.

So the thing was, actually, the story... You must this like yes so the thing was actually the story you must be the start of the group though when you come i mean everyone's like i hear dance coming they must lose their fucking mind answer at some point you keep asking he doesn't know okay what i'll say about the game there is... Let him get it out. Okay, what I'll say about the game. There is that traditional player you have in your mind who played this game, and that's definitely true. That's for the sake of argument, give him a name, Fat Bob.

But, yeah, there's a couple Fat Bobs, okay? Right. I didn't call him Blob. Bob. Fat Bob. But the game has grown in popularity, so I think you'd be surprised who the play group is. Like, I play... The people I play with... I bet Dwight Howard's you'd be surprised who the play group is.

I play the people I play with. I bet Dwight Howard's there. He feels like the type. No. No, but I play with the guys in NFL play. He's an NFL player. Yeah, people with concussions. I play with a boxer, an NFL player.

We have a play group here in LA. He plays with Sean Marquette and Nolan. I like those two lads. I played with Joe Mangionello the other day. So you play with people. These are normal, cool people. The game has grown in popularity. If you have a gamer brain, it's very addicting. So you'll get into it immediately.

So there's a lot of skill in it. A lot of skill. A lot of immediately. So there's a lot of skill in it. A lot of skill, a lot of variance. So, and there's a lot of... See, I love games, but I feel like I'm too late to the game to actually start this game. That's why I figured you might be into this.

I would be bullied, but I do like games, yeah. You should come play with us one time. I'll play one time. I'm in. I think you would have fun. We have a very cool... I mean, I like that group already.

Fat Bob. It's Fat Bob. All of them. I think you would have fun. I'm in. I mean, I like that group already. Fat Bob. It's Fat Bob. All of them. Joe Mangiello. Boxing Steve. Let's answer these questions real quick. Parkinson's Tony. Tribal Dex. What's a Tribal Dex? Okay. Well, the colors. I didn't talk

about the colors. I'm sorry. You can finish with the colors. I'm sorry. forest keeps going green black uh uh blue it's fine uh but i don't know why i went back do it doesn't matter that's fine you can answer me does the green group have something to do with trees yes you always imagine there's always some you saw like regrowth right so that was like uh so that's like bring a card back from your graveyard right so it uh also it's a lot to do with lands and building more lands. Do you get super high before you play? I don't.

I don't. Because I take it pretty seriously. He has to stay focused. So green is land. What's red? Red is like fire. So it's like burn magic, dragons, shooting fire. Let me guess.

Blue might be water. Blue? Blue is a little bit of water, but a lot of it is just magic, like counter magic. Yeah, it's intellect and manipulation. Slaughter head. Yes, intellect.

Raise me from. Yeah, it's a lot of that. Intellect, yeah. What about black? Black is like demons and draining. Very powerful abilities, but you pay a cost for it. You pay life for it.

And then white and white is like protection humans like smaller creatures but power in numbers there you go

so it's supremacy yeah yeah white is white supremacy white is like well it's like white power one of the magical one of the magical lands

is called Charleston which I'll be performing in this weekend yeah the white yeah there's Charlott, which I'll be performing in this weekend. Yeah, there's Charlottesville. Oh, yeah, Charlottesville. I thought it was Charleston. We are in Charlottesville,

but Charlottesville is the one you're trying to... Oh, good thing I was going to make those jokes about the tiki torches. By the way, there are definitely racists in Charlottesville, South Carolina. There's racists everywhere you go. I mean, majority. They're not hard to find. Tribal decks.

What are tribal decks? Tribal decks are like what you would think. It's like all the same tribe, right? So you're like, okay, this deck is all humans. This deck is all demons. This deck's all zombies. Got it, yeah. And then the legendary rule.

What's up with that? Legendary rule means that you can only have one card with the same name on the battlefield at the same time. It's a very specific rule in the game. I didn't know anything about this. I put it in chat, GBT. A previous guest of ours gave me a prompt to work with, so it sometimes throws in questions.

Yeah, and also, for example, if you have an Elvis card. You know what's good about this game is that all the players are always available because none of you are on dates You're never short of a player That's definitely true There's definitely times I have friends who are like I'm supposed to go out with this girl

But like ah fuck it I'll come play That sounds like Sean People want to play this game If you get addicted to the game It's like you know You really are like Oh you get obsessed with like Powering your deck up Getting it right Like you know, you really are like, oh, you get obsessed with like powering your deck up, getting it right.

Like, you know, it can be obsessive. It's the same thing as like I find when I'm writing jokes, you know, where you're like, oh, I got to get this right. If I say this like that, like all the wording and that. But it's more recreational. It's not tied to your profession. So you are drawn to it more. You know how that works in life? So your point is

it's something you enjoy doing. Yes. Got to figure that out. Fetchlands? In the most roundabout way. Yes. Fetchlands is another specific kind of card

that searches for... Felchinglands. It's a felchland. It's a land that eats your asshole. For those at home who don't know what felching is... Well, you cum in the asshole first, then you eat it, correct? Yes, you suck semen out of an asshole. Well, it doesn't have land eats your asshole. For those at home who don't know what felching is. Well, you cum in the asshole first, then you eat it, correct?

Yes, you suck semen out of an asshole. Well, it doesn't have to be your cum. Yeah. Just got to suck cum out of someone's asshole. There's no parameters. There's no legendary rule for that. But so,

a fetch land is a land that you tap. Tap, tap. And then you tap it, meaning you turn it to the side, and then you can search for a specific other land and then the wizards of the coast that's just the company that created the game yeah that was a funny question not reese darby yeah and then reese darby's gonna be in that movie wizards of the coast the wpn is that wizards pending negotiation and i actually don't know what

a sense right i think it's probably wizards play number i don't know what a Sanctuary is. I think it's probably Wizards play number. I don't know. I have a WPN, but that's if you play in a sanctioned tournament. It's like how they keep track of your win-loss record. Can you play for money? You can if you want, but people don't really. Yeah, I saw a thing that people do gamble. But I guess that's when anything you can do that. You can gamble, but the problem with gambling is the actual.

Very addictive. Yeah, it's addictive. But the game is like if you're playing a casual format then gambling on it would make you play more competitively to get the money yeah it's like sometimes you play a deck that's less under more underpowered for fun and then you like if you're 100 want to win because there's money on the line that would change the whole dynamic does that make sense do you have people you play with who play too seriously or not seriously enough i have people people go full tilt is what it's called uh there's people who get very competitive leave i've had we played someone gets so upset they gotta leave because they didn't like how you attack them or your threat assessment about your threat assessment is off like you're targeting

people feel targeted you're like you're all teaming up on me so I feel targeted people have to leave people get very hostile the W sometimes you're playing a game for hours and then you're out so you're upset you know so you got to walk around the background and have pizza and sort of that's kind of... You would think. That's kind of what I would do. I'll just be like, actually, I don't really care. It's okay, whatever. For a second, you go, oh, it sucks I lost, but then you rub it off.

But there's some people who get really worked up. Yeah. The WPN is the Wizards Play Network. It's for organized play, I guess, the organization. Formally, the DCI, which is the Duelists Convocation International. Yeah, I hadn't seen ever since I'm a kid. Yeah. Yeah All right. What is the most expensive card ever sold? Do you know this? I should think you're the what you told me was wrong. Oh, yeah Yeah, not 1950 what do you think it is? I mean the most expensive card is post Malone. Oh, yeah

Wait, so this was okay, You know what we'll do? Jump ahead to my... I was saving that. We'll do this. So with Dinner Party Facts, this is the part of the show where an expert gives us some fact, obscure, interesting, that the audience can use to impress people. You have a story with some interesting stuff in it, right? Yeah. So yeah, we play magic with Post Malone.

Which means after Malone. Yeah. Yeah. Not pre Malone. Which means after Malone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not pre-Malone. Yeah. And so he bought a Magic card for $2.6 million. What? He was hanging out at Shane Gillis' show the other night.

Yeah, he's around. So he's sort of in the comedy world, yeah. $2.6 million? I like how you just didn't even get, like, I didn't understand how that like who okay so it's a card that's actually in one of those boxes there yeah when the lord of the ring set came out they made a one-of-one ring card now there's other copies of it i have it but there's one that's serialized yeah it's you know because they have serialized cards in the

game normally there's 500 this is the only card they've ever printed where there's one and one. There's only one. So they put it in packs like a golden ticket. It's exactly the same thing. There's only one out there. Only one in the whole world. And Post Malone has it. And then some guy in Toronto opened it.

A guy who works at Costco. And he opened it. And then Post Malone, he and then Post Malone, uh, he went to Post Malone's concert, contacted his reps. He told this whole story on Howard and, uh, and he went backstage at Post Malone,

bought it from him for $2.6 million. That guy doesn't work at Costco. Was that a, was that a, was that a steal? Is it worth $2.6 million? So that's what I don't actually know. So I,

I played with Post Malone and he let me hold the ring, was crazy like i have a picture of me and him he let me hold this the most probably the most expensive thing i've ever fucking held in my life yeah i imagine what kind of objects are worth that there'd be a diamond or something but like that you can hold in your hand not many yeah so it was crazy. I was like, wow. I have a Sauron deck, which you have over there, and I had it on me because we were going to play, and he was like, yo, get your Sauron, and I'll have the ring.

So that's my $1 magic card that was held up against his $2.6 million card. I'll give you the picture. Did you win? No, I lost. You know what's funny i was talking to dan before we did this he goes i don't know if i'm like an expert in magic the gathering and then jim pulls out a car he's like i'm gonna say three words and see if you know like i like how people always like undersell themselves like you know more than most people i know there's probably some magic nerds out there they're like this guy fucking sucks what gets crazy about the game

if we're going into the nitty-gritty of it is the rules like the rule you have to have when you play in a store there's a judge there and these guys get tested and literally like if you don't if you're contesting how an interaction between two cards you go judge and the judge like walks over and then they give you their rank and sometimes i've seen people and so that guy has to walk over because he's just getting his dick sucked by too many pussies in the in the corner is it just women just draped all over him he's like sorry ladies i gotta go judge this hey i think you'll find that postman loan's ring wins all uh i forgot he gets in that cart and just drives across yeah

I mean overall the game is it's very it's very complicated I'm gonna play it's statistically the most complicated game

how does anyone learn the rules like it's alright now you can go online but like I remember in the 90s just looking at them going what the fuck do they yeah yeah that would have been hard.

Is there rules in each packet? Is there a simple rules in each packet? How do you learn the rules? There's rules, overall rules to play the game. But the rulings are almost like the tax code at this point. You know what I mean? So it's like if something happens to the basic rules, everybody kind of knows how to play.

They're complicated. But over time, you play for like a year or so, you kind of knows how to play uh they're complicated but over time you play for like a year or so you kind of get the vibe of it but some rules when you're playing you just gotta google you go like what happens and there's tons of like reddit forums of like how do these two cards what happens if this card is played after this card and sometimes it's a timing issue it's like who played it first uh like what's you know? There's a thing called the stack which is not to get overly complicated But the stack which is like when you play a spell if someone responds that goes on top of the stack Then the response goes here, and they resolve in top-down order so the last thing resolved sometimes that it gets very tricky Mmm, so sometimes some interactions are so complicated where you just go like, all right, I'm just going to scoop.

You win. I don't even want to handle dealing with that. Because the game is now, they've printed so many cards. There's like 50,000 magic cards at this point. The game is inherently broken. Like it's a broken game. So there's ways to win on turn one. So you just start the game.

Oh, I win. I won. So you have to, in your play group ban certain sounds fun some cards are banned some cards have to be like totally yeah yeah some of those ones from back in the day that had questionable names dude yeah they had to ban a card called invoke prejudice well what was they printed a card in the 90s called like invoke prejudice and it literally has like a executioner with like you know on it so they had to like ban that card it's like all right that card's problematic oh my god yeah yeah like what

was the problem with it because it's the characters so like if you're talking about elves and fucking trees and shit just go oh my elf doesn't like the trees invoke prejudice well i mean there could be an argument for that i actually don't even know what the card does or whatever but i i because I've never seen it. Also this card costs $2,000. Funnily enough, that's the only card I've been collecting. Just sit down with Jim Jeffries. I have four copies.

Jim Jeffries deck is all just only in Vogue Press. Yeah, I got four copies all stuck together with cum. All right, Dan. Thanks for being here on our podcast. That's a great way to go out if you're in the la area on may 24th go see dan show the last improv show at the dynasty typewriter uh well it's a bi-monthly show too so just follow him on instagram at dan black attack and i'm sure you post the show dates up there all the time yeah you can check it out so go check him out

he's a very funny guy just check him out if he's coming to a city near you or... Yeah. I'm going to come play with you. I'm going to do it. If the invite was real... The invite is real. All right, okay.

The invite is real. Come play. We'll set it up where I'll give you a deck that's easier to run and we'll walk you through it because that thing... Also, everyone's really good

at being like, he's a new player so then we'll walk you through every step of it or whatever. But if you're a gamer you gotta at least come play with us once no i know i know how games work i don't know how to play things i'm i always do all right yeah i'm not a dodo also is there a dodo card uh maybe i do have another plug can i plug something yeah plug it of course uh my show, the last improv show, we're going to be in the Kennedy Center

the first week of August. I think July 30th. We're doing two weeks. We did it last year. We're coming back July 30th. Where is the Kennedy Center? What is that? In Washington, D.C.

Oh, okay. Is that where we play? You've probably done shows there. You've done... I don't think you've done it at the Kennedy Center, but yeah. They're all named after politicians, isn't he? Yeah, just like after JFK.

Right. He's in the RFK. I know it's after JFK. Last time it was the Daughters of the American Revolution Hall is what you did where Eddie Murphy shot. Delirious. Delirious, yeah. That's where you were there last time.

Tickets are on sale for that now, which I just learned. There you go. East Coasters, go out there. West Coasters, Dynasty Typewriter. And you can livestream the Dynasty can live stream the dynasty shows right oh yeah dynasty typewriter.com you can live stream our show if you don't live in los angeles i always forget that too come check it out the show is really good i love them and jim jeffries is going to be on it at some point we'll get him i was meant to do it but then i um kidney stone kidney stone yep um so i didn't show he passed it he would have if he went i would have made he would have passed it in the middle of the show oh yeah you

know i passed it during yeah yeah and once you pass the kidney stone you move on with your fucking life faster than you've ever done anything i felt so bad for you but i was in i was in real pain and then you you messaged me and i was like wow like you must be in so much pain like i felt so bad i have you i've heard that that's the worst shit ever it's uh it's it's it's pain it's pain on pain yeah you're not doing well it's more it's morphine in like you need morphine and stuff to get through it like it's fucking you need real painkillers wow all right jim all right come play magic with us i'll play magic ladies and gentlemen if you're ever

at a party and someone comes up to you and goes magic was invented in 1994

go well I don't know about that and walk away tap tap goodnight Australia