I Don't Know About That - Mark Twain

Episode Date: March 26, 2024

Jim knew very little about Mark Twain, thankfully our expert Paul Morrissey (@paulhasawebsite) did! Check out Paul's website: www.paulhasawebsite.com ADS: BETTERHELP: Visit BetterHelp.com/IDK today to get 10% off your first month.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. A lot of us spend our lives wishing we had more time. The question is, time for what? If time was unlimited, how would you use it? The best way is to squeeze that special thing into your schedule is to know what is important to you and make it a priority. Therapy can help you find what matters to you so you can do more of it. Learn to make time for what makes you happy with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash idk today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash I-D-K. Regular glasses.

Sunglasses. Are there moon glasses? You might find out. And I don't know about that with Jim Jefferies. And for sure, Jack Hacker. There would be moon glasses. There'd be some type of glasses that you could have at night to help you with traffic lights, probably. But I don't believe there's...

I see people wear, like, orange or red glasses at night now. Do you? Yeah. I have light-affected from from doing comedy for so long and having so many spotlights in my eyes that every time i shut my eyes there's blotches and i said to a doctor i said what's anything he goes we shouldn't stare at lights all the time and i'm like all right thanks for thanks for the heads up i'm gonna become like fucking roy orbison up there um you have some upcoming dates you're gonna be in south africa and all right

you're cutting out huh oh? Are you hearing fine? Mine was cutting out. I'm fine. I think Jack's foot was on it. You're in South Africa in a couple weeks. In Cape Town. Pretoria. Spokane, Washington.

Denver, Colorado. Looking forward to it. Looking forward to it. Fort Lauderdale, San Francisco. Go to jimjeffries.com. Fuck it. Let's announce as well. There's going to be some gigs in Australia to record a TV show that are going to be filmed

in April. These aren't even the tour that I'm going to announce at the end of this podcast that's going on in July, August. But there's a TV show that are going to be filmed in April. These aren't even the tour that I'm going to announce at the end of this podcast that's going on in July, August. But there's a TV show. It's fucking happening. I can't tell you more than that because I'll get in trouble from the special people who want to announce it. You'll probably get in trouble from this statement. Oh yeah, I'll get in trouble.

But what are you going to do? Fire me? I'm on the show. Come on, let's come out Australia. Well then I'll announce I may or may not be on that TV show. Who knows? It depends how you treat me on this podcast today, Forrest. I'm on the show. Come on, let's come out, Australia. Well, then I'll announce I may or may not be on that TV show. Who knows? Well, you may or may not be there. It depends how you treat me on this podcast today, Forrest. But April 24th and April 26th, I will be in Sydney at the Factory Theatre as part of the Sydney Comedy Festival. There's ticket links on my website for April 24th and 26th.

If you haven't bought tickets yet, they are going pretty fast, so I'm excited about that. So please buy some tickets to that and then I'm also confirmed now at the Comics Lounge in Melbourne May 1st through the 4th there's ticket links on my website for that as well and then go to IDCat Podcast

to see any upcoming other live podcasts that we have we may have one in Australia we may do one in Australia and we're going to do more of Flappers the last one we did of Flappers was awesome and Ladies of Melbourne because that's where we'll be. Ladies of Melbourne. Jack Hackett will be coming out.

All right. Jack's making it. I don't know if Ladies of Melbourne are listening. Ladies of Melbourne, get your dance cards ready. Let's start this podcast. Please welcome our guest, Paul Morrissey. G'day, Paul. Well, we know paul

you know paul but i'll play i'll play the game anyway now it's time to play yes no yes no yes no yes no judging a book by its cover is it dennis nils not dennis nilsson dennis nilsson's the serial killer serial killer not the shirt i guess the oh nilsson schmil Dennis Nilsson. Dennis Nilsson's the serial killer. Wait, the serial killer? No, the shirt, I guess. Oh. Nilsson Schmilsson, right. Yeah, I've watched the... It's Harry Nilsson, right? Yeah, yeah.

Well, Dennis Nilsson is the Jeffrey Dahmer of Britain. Oh, I didn't realize that. Yeah, I... Well, there was this house called Cranley Gardens that all the comedians used to live in and take drugs in back in the day. And it was two doors up from that bloke. And the way that Dennis Nilsson used to kill people, he used to live in and take drugs in back in the day. And it was two doors up from that bloke. And the way that Dennis Nilsen used to kill people,

he used to cut them. He was a gay guy, went to the nightclubs, picked someone up, took them back to the home. Don't know if he had sex with them first or whatever. Killed them, ate a bit of them, flushed the rest down the toilet, right? And the whole street was backed up with human body parts and all that sort of stuff.

So is it him? No, that's not. Because I felt like you'd be very good on Traders And the whole street was backed up with human body parts and all that stuff. So is it him? No. You're doing him? No, that's not. Because I felt like you'd be very good on Traders, the way that you acted like you didn't know about Dennis Nilsen. I'm not a big fan. No, I lived in the building where the Hillside Strangler lived in L.A.,

right on Tamarind. That's nice. Can you rent his place? What's that? You can rent. She's a famous author now. She wrote this book, You,

and she, she actually asked for, to live in the place and she's still in there. So I guess there's some weird inspiration. That seems weird. It's like I always drive past, man,

I was just in Vegas. I drive past Mandalay Bay and I'm like, I'd like to stay. It still seems like a nice hotel, but the mojo. I think that whole section of, I think that part of that hallway

is cut off now i don't even think you can get to the room next to the room yeah i wouldn't be able going in there i wouldn't be surprised if they decommissioned the floor fetish but it's like it's a four seasons hotel it's a lovely hotel yeah yeah it's not their fucking fault what about the uh the rusty gun bandit do you know about him who's the rusty Rusty Gun Bandit? That's an Australian thing. I didn't know about it. Hall & Oates was touring there. The Rusty Gun Bandit comes in to, like, rob the place. Guess which one of them saves everybody's lives?

Oates. Yes, you got it. You can Google that. Because Oates are good for you. Grab the guy's gun, like, threw him through a window, something like that. Wow, that's an action movie. The him through a window, something like that. Like, it was an actual, like... Wow, that's an actual movie.

The time Hall & Oates stopped a robbery. Yeah. The rich gun man. You're a rich girl. You're a rich girl. Everyone gave Hall the accolades, but it's all oats, man. It's all oats. All right, so it's not...

Is it Hall & Oates? No. Is it music inspired? Your T-shirt's really throwing no is it music inspired your t-shirts really thrown me uh not music expo and i would ignore the t-shirt completely is it entertainment based i would say yes is it comedy in the world of comedy i would say very yeah but yeah is it in the world of movies? No. Is it live comedy? Well... We're talking about one particular person.

Yes, sir. Right, and is that person dead? Yes. All right, so is it George Carlin? No. Is it Richard Pryor? Nope. Alder.

This guy would not be considered a stand-up comedian. Phyllis Diller. Did he do stand-up comedy? Might be considered the first stand-up comedian. Mark Twain. There he did did he do stand-up comedy might be considered the first stand-up okay mark twain there you go ah mark twain mark is that too easy that's good because i know that mark twain was did we do mark twain or did not that mark we just mentioned him when have i talked about mark twain when we did the comedy episode yeah because mark twain did a tour and stuff didn't he and he used to say with the reports of my death have been wildly exaggerated well it's when he was broke yeah all right i'm off to write the n-word in a book good night everyone um paul morrissey

earned a bachelor's degree in english uh literature he never would have said n-word he would have said it in full back then a bachelor's degree in english literature and rhetoric from binghamton University, and after quitting a career as a TV news reporter and sports anchor for ABC, he earned a master's degree in English education from NYU. Paul Morrissey is also a very funny stand-up comedian. He's appeared on The Late Show with David Letterman, and The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, right?

Yeah. And on CBS, Morrissey co-hosted the Artie Lang show for five years and still co-hosts Come to Papa with Tom Papa on Sirius XM Radio. I love both guys. Has a one-hour special called A Real Humdinger and his new comedy album, Ice Cream vs. Everything, was released August 2023. Reached number three on the Apple Music charts.

Find all this information. Oh, it was named one of the top ten albums of the year by the tarot bang too another thing so go to paul has a website.com and you can find all the stand-up dates there uh your solo dates and you tour with tom papa as well and his album and check all the stuff out there but we're talking about mark twain today so we're using your english degree that's right i'm not gonna know a lot about i've read h Huck Finn is one of the few books I've read. I know I said recently on a podcast I've only read two,

but I've only read two books for pleasure. I've read the ones that you had to read at school. That's fair. So I'm going to ask Jim a series of questions about Mark Twain, and at the end of answering, you're going to grade them as accuracy, zero through ten, ten's the best. Jackson, I'm going to grade them on confidence. I'm going to grade them on how hungry I-10. 10's the best. Jackson, I'll grade them on confidence. I'm going to grade them on

how hungry I am. We'll add all the scores together. If you score 21-30, you'll be Mark Twain. That's the best one. That's the best one. 11-20, Shania Twain. She's alright. I should probably be better than Mark Twain.

Mark Twain's accomplished a lot. She just got by on looks. 0-10, I couldn't think of anyone else with the name Twain, so Texas Twang. Did you do Choo Choo Twain? Who's Choo Choo Twain? No one, it's just funny. Dennis Twain.

Dennis Twain. Mark's brother. Okay. What was Mark Twain's real name? Dennis Twain. Okay. Oh, I didn't know there was a stage name. Mark Twain. Why would that be a stage name? It's didn't know there was a stage name. Mark Twain.

Why would that be a stage name? It's not that good a bloody name. You didn't remember it. It's not even illiterate. It's easy to remember. My whole life I've known that name. It's a good one. They crushed it.

Mark Twain, because his original name was something a bit more... What is it? That's a question. David Dusseldorf. Okay. Which famous novels... This is actually John Denver's real name, I think. Which famous novels did Mark Twain write?

Tom Sawyer, Huck Finn. The Adventures of. The Adventures of. The Indiana Jones. Anything else? uh adventures of the adventures of the young indiana jones anything else um yeah he did all heaps of stuff that's all poems and shit okay what was the significance of mark twain's pen name uh because never the twain shall meet and so it's like it's like uh he didn't do meet and greets after his stand-up,

which is a real money spinner. He should have done it. It's time, a lot of time, though. In which American state was Mark Twain born? Extra points if you get the city. He's always going on about the Mississippi and all that type of stuff, and it's always folksy stuff. He always going on about the mississippi and all that type of stuff and it's always folksy stuff it's going on about it yeah it's always i want i want to say um he was in that area but not in that area so i'm going to say atlanta georgia okay what was mark

twain's relationship with haley's comet um okay so haley's comic comes around every 84 years yeah um it came around in about 1985 i want to say was the last time we had it um so mark twain uh he um um i think he was the first person to go around from town to town and tell people that it's coming because otherwise we didn't have the news like TV or whatever. Who reads that section of the newspaper, the comment section? Oh, the comment section people do read. But I would say that he was the one who probably introduced it

to the American people as a thing. What was Mark Twain's stance on social issues, particularly race? I think even though to this day, because we were talking to someone about this the other day, that a lot of people want to ban some of his books because they have the N-word in there, even though it's an historical reference

and all that type of stuff, and we understand why that would be an issue. Well, I understand. I'm not going to speak for the rest of you. But I believe that he would have been pro-race. Pro-race? Yeah, he would have been. I reckon he would have been anti-slavery.

I reckon he would have been a pretty free-thinking type of guy. You know, he's a guy who told jokes, man, and traveled around. I always think that anyone who really, really travels has very little chance of being truly racist. Because if you travel, you see people, and we all know that people are the same wherever we go. To quote Stevie Wonder or Paul McCartney. I don't know who was singing that bit.

Which other famous writers were friends or acquaintances with Mark Twain, of Mark Twain's? Jane Austen, she once, he once finger banged her behind her, like back in the day. They were artists. Which book was that? No, I won't say because Jane Austen

was in England so I'm not gonna say I'm trying to think of old writers name one he did coin the phrase finger bang though that was the

1880 no I wasn't believing you I'm gonna say Roald Dahl Roald Dahl what Roald Dahl. What was Mark Twain's relationship with President Theodore Roosevelt? He's the guy who put him in the chair.

Was he the one in the chair? Yeah. All right. He gave him. No, no. Wait, who put him in the chair? No, that was Franklin. Yeah, FDR.

That was Franklin. Oh, the wheelchair. Teddy was like the. Teddy was the one with the big glasses. Yeah. Who liked teddy bears. Do you know that the teddy bear was named after Teddy Roosevelt? That's not an answer to this question.

Give him a point for that. It's an interesting fact. He wouldn't shoot the bear. And so everyone was like going, oh, Teddy here. Teddy wouldn't shoot the bears. So they started bringing out a lot of these cuddly toys called teddy bears because he was such a soft touch. And then they sold it.

But the teddy bear was invented because of theodore roosevelt there you go um but but uh theodore rose what was his relationship finger banged him behind a trailer what led to mark twain's bankruptcy later in life uh it would have been a divorce or two everything's divorce or two and then there would have been um maybe he got sued i'm gonna say he got he got sued uh by another bloke who had a book that was similar with a raft and a and a slave and a kid trying to escape which significant world figures did mark twain meet during his world travels or travels abroad. Obama. Oh. Putin.

Okay, so I've got to figure out the years. I'm going to go 85. I'm going to go he's at the end of the 1800s. Yeah, when he was born or died. Yeah, I'm going to say he was at the end of the 1800s. And Theodore Roosevelt, the beginning of the 19th century, the 20th century, which is the 19th. I always get confused. Yeah, I don't like that phrasing.

It's so annoying. Just say the number. The beginning of the 20th century, which is the 1900s. Beginning of the 1900s, Theodore Roosevelt. So Theodore Roosevelt, and then we're going to go all the way up. So I reckon Mark Twain probably met Franz Ferddinand yeah right france ferdinand he's the beginning of world war one right yeah not the band yeah no no no not the band not the band that's ridiculous um and then he would have met i i don't reckon he met hitler but he probably met that king

of england who was really into Hitler, who used to visit Hitler a bit. You know the one that got off the throne so that Bertie could come in? No, I don't know. I'm going to say the king and Hitler. What was Mark Twain's opinion on religion and spirituality?

I believe that he would have been an atheist, but he would have done it in a jokey sort of form, but I don't believe, I reckon he would have been an atheist. All right. How did Mark Twain's marriage to Olivia langdon influence his personal and professional life um well what do you mean how did it influence he was married to the woman he had to go to events with her she was a person that when he came home he wasn't allowed to stay out at the clubs as long as you

used to like like what was her i've got a new bit that's not funny you don't know i guess that okay so he married olivia langdon tell me about her how about that olivia langdon yeah well she would have been an actress that sounds like an actress name all night all day olivia langdon and the you know uh olivia langdon and i love lucy olivia langdon right yeah she's an actress and also she was the first person to wank him off in the cinema no finger banging? no no no he was married to her

what was Mark Twain's involvement in the abolitionist movement? he was pro abolitionist he wanted to abolish slavery he met Lincoln. He met Lincoln. Put Lincoln in. What did he do? Put Lincoln in.

Okay. Put Lincoln in. Put Lincoln in. What did he do? What did he physically do besides being against slavery? What did he do? Right. He probably, during the Civil War, made some comments.

You know? Enough of this. What was Mark Twain's role in the founding of the American publishing industry? He invented the print press. Print press, okay. And also the spinning jenny. And the cotton mill. All right, here's the last question.

How did Mark Twain's legacy endure beyond his literary works? You can get the Mark Twain Award now, which I think after this podcast I'll never get. I think that was what was stopping me it's all the people that know things about him yeah it's very close to getting it but i won't get it now he's got the mark twain like as far as being a celebrity what did he he was the first kind of he was the first stand-up comedian he was the first bloke to go around from town to town and tell a few stories where people actually sat down and actually listened to him and just sort of went, oh, this guy's a bit of fun. Yeah.

And so because of that, he probably had more political reach and social reach than most people. And he probably changed the hearts and minds of many Americans. Hearts and minds. Okay. All right, Paul, how did Jim do on his knowledge of Mark Twain's 0 through 10? 10's the best. This is all the questions? Yeah, together.

Yeah, 0 through 10. I'll take a 2. For a guess, yeah, we got to go pretty low. Yeah. I know he's a white guy with a goatee. He did know a couple books, but I guess everyone learns that in school. Yeah, but not really in Australia. He still has to answer, yeah.

See, this is the problem with this podcast. We just get into it. I mean, you can give them a point. This is the problem with this podcast. We just did one on Amelia Earhart, and everyone's just like, yeah, we learned that in school. No, we didn't. That was one guy. I didn't know any of that shit.

I didn't know anything. That's what I guess, yeah. Well, I didn't learn. We don't do it. I think we do do Huck Finn in school, and I used to watch the TV show Huck Finn that had that big steamboat go over, and I used to think, oh, that was all right.

I watched that as a kid. But we didn't learn about him. We never sat down. I know he looked a bit like Colonel Sanders. Is that worth an extra point? With the white suit? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, the Steve Martin, he did that first.

He was famous. He just wore the white suit. Everybody knew who he was. He had a white mustache. He used to wear the white suit. Everybody knew who he was. He had a white mustache. He'd stick it out in the room. So what are you going to give him? What score? Let's go three.

All right. I'm actually happy with that. How do you know on confidence, Jack? Confidence wasn't there. I'm giving him a two. Two, yeah, yeah. Look, I'm not. Yeah.

I'm sorry. No, I don't. I'm like a little bit hungry, so I'll give you a six. So that don't impress me much yeah yeah I'll be Shania Twain I'll tell you what if I was Brad Pitt I would rock up to one of Shania Twain's concert

and go when you say the Brad Pitt bit I'm gonna come out and then when she did it and she goes Brad Pitt I'd just stand the wings and not come out and go does that fucking impress you bitch after telling the world it doesn't impress you much over and over and over again you know Brad Pitt you should tell him to do this I don't know him well enough to do that but I'll drop him a text okay first question what was Mark Twain's real name you said Dennis Twain or David Dusseldorf

that's not correct were they both serial killers David Dusseldorf or John Dusseldorf. That's not correct. Were they both serial killers? David Dusseldorf or John Dusseldorf, I believe, is the real name of John Denver. Oh, right. That's what you said. I actually have read that book as well, John Denver's biography. I lie about it. John Duchendorf Jr. Henry John Duchendorf Jr. Yeah, which isn't a good name to be singing folksy songs about America.

It's not a great name, period. It doesn't roll off the tongue. Yeah, you don't a good name to be singing folksy songs about America. It's not a great name, period. It doesn't roll off the tongue. Yeah, you don't want to be starting your career in the 70s and be named after a German family and just go, almost heaven, West Virginia. What's this Dusseldorf cunt singing about West Virginia for? Yeah, everything with Dorf. I think anybody who moved to America cut that part off

because Dorf is like dork. Except for Stephen Dorf, who really embraced it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Dorf on golf. Does Jim know that? Probably not. That's a very American thing.

You know, that's Tim Conway when he was on his knees playing golf like as a little person. You've never seen that? They just have a guy basically pretend that he's a tiny person, but his legs are underneath the stage he's doing dwarf face oh yeah yeah for sure this is dwarf on golf for sure you wouldn't so they do dwarf basketball you wouldn't be doing this anymore today no I get the premise you put your shoes down no no no he but he was on a golf this was Tim Conway. I've heard of Tim Conway Jr.

through watching a few documentaries. That's him. He's just. He also has a Hitler mustache. Yeah. I never realized he had a Hitler mustache. And he has a Hitler mustache. Oh, boy.

Okay, so what was his real name, Paul? Samuel Langhorne Clemens. Samuel Clemens. Now I know that. I do know that. That's at the recess of my brain somewhere, but I never would have been able to pull it out. And he was born when?

1835, correct? Yeah. 1835. So he was a couple of Halley's Comets ago. Yeah. We're not the Halley's Comet. What famous novels did he write? You said Adventures of Tom Sawyer and Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.

What other ones did he? Oh, wait, did I miss? No, yeah, that's right. Well, there's Connecticut Yankee and King Arthur's Court, which is like basically the first time traveling, like getting inspired every time travel movie ever because it was a guy going back in time to old england like from from his time basically so it's a pretty i've never i love the time travel movie prince

and the pauper yeah i know that one um oh this one with the frog oh yeah the frog of celebrated jumping frog calaveras county that was like his famous uh he just wrote like a really funny newspaper article about a jumping frog that a guy told him. And like common people, they would always say like people who never read a book before would read Mark Twain stuff. So it was like common man kind of stuff. Yeah, yeah. Talked a lot about drinking. And by the way, did we do the name part where he got the name from?

No, that's coming up next. Yeah. What was the significance of Mark Twain's pen name? And Jim said, never the Twain shall meet. He didn't do meet and greets after. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Mark Twain is like, it's basically two, like one Mark is six feet and the other is 12.

So when he was doing the the steamboat you had to make sure it was 12 feet deep the water was 12 feet deep so that's mark twain so people use that as like a term but when he is a big drinker he he would go to like he went to the silver mine so he was like in basically uh uh what deadwood kind of like a place. And so it was really like, you know, whorehouses and whiskey and everything like that. So his nickname was Mark Twain, which was Mark Two Whiskies. Like every time he came in.

So that's kind of like the cooler term. But then as he got older. That was the riverboat one, but the whiskey one. Well, he wanted to be classier later on, but the people knew him when he was younger. Like that's where that came from. Because I always heard it was like the riverboat depth. Yeah.

Like you said, every six feet, Twain's or whatever. Which is kind of like a common term, but it was funnier that, like, he said it in a bar, Mark Twain, you know, instead of, like, on a boat. So he was a big drinker, right? Yes. He claims that he wasn't, but it's clear that he definitely was but why would he wear white then so hard to cover up stains i don't think you probably had a lot of stains yeah red wine whiskey the episode that i just watched was about the the hemorrhoid incident so that would be a bad bad. Oh, all right. Okay, I'll tell a little story very quickly.

So the same pants, the same pants, I was performing in them on Saturday, and I had to do a meet and greet. So the blood came out? Yeah. He wore them on stage. Yeah, they're completely clean. Just making sure. They're back.

What'd you use? You got to tell the serial killers what detergent you used to get the out whatever my wife used she fucking got the blood out that's when you that's like like that that's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife right because a girlfriend you hide the pants and you don't tell her all this stuff you're like honey i need these fixed this is you know remember the better or worse statement in our marriage this is the worst um anyway so i i i go to do a meet and greet and i have a piss just before michael yo came to the show and michael yo's standing next to forest and he goes forest jim has a big piss stain i've got like a little bit bigger than a quarter maybe a 50 cent australian piece to the right of your dick just

to the right of my dick i hadn't i hadn of my dick. I hadn't shook it properly. And I had a piss thing like this. He goes, you gotta tell them. And I go, I don't think he can do anything about it. I go, yeah, I guess I'd have to tell them. So I was like... I don't know. These pants now, you could do a CSI version. There's enough trace evidence of everything going on here.

We know who owns these. Luckily Orlando, Lelando labor another comic there's a bunch of comics hanging out he was taking the pictures yeah we're out there and he he said he did an angle where you can't see it but forrest comes up to me in front of the line of people hey you've uh i said come over here and you said come over here and then i assumed my fly must be open which it was as well that That was another add-on. But they couldn't tell because I was standing. So I fixed my thing. And then first went, plus.

And I'm like, yeah, I got a big piss stain. And I'm like, there's nothing I can do about this. We just have to keep rolling. You know what I mean? I just have to hug all the people with my piss stain. Orlando says he hit it. He hit it with the air. Everyone was very nice about it.

Yeah, those pants have been through it they've been through it they've been through it they they and they're like sort of like an almost like an army green

sort of denim like they're they look very like they're almost like slacks they look like a pair of Indiana Jones pants almost you know

that really made me laugh I was thinking because I did my I did my album in the national comedy center they built this big thing and they have all of carlin's archives and i i think they should put jim jeffrey's pants in the hemorrhoid pants far as you can say show him the photo if you want it's always good to see someone's reaction um yeah you got something in that archive i think i think we sent some stuff. Into where? The National Comedy Archives. Yeah, well, that's where, yeah.

I think he did an interview for it or something a long time ago. I did something. I was meant to be a hologram for five seconds or something. No, they had your stuff playing because you can pick. You just go through and pick who your favorite comics are, and then they link you up with all these shows and everything. It's really cool. Are you ready to see them?

Okay. There you go. It's not for the faint-hearted have you eaten i don't know where it's better that you have eaten or you haven't eaten that's like uh did you get a transfusion after that i should have felt light-headed i just showed him i just showed he's been doubled i just showed him but it's funny if you press on it because then you can see the picture move. So that got you through. One time, I don't know if this ever happened to you, when like the first bag that I had traveling the road, I would, it was like good luck to me.

And I never thought about like, oh, this might be like really dirty. And like, I should probably just buy a new one. So it was like a few years in and I was traveling with my girlfriend at the time and they did the whole swab thing and they're like, we have to keep this because it tested positive for explosives. That's how dirty the bag was. So I had to actually buy like a bag in the airport and put everything in it. So now I change them out every couple of years because I'm like, oh man.

Okay. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp wouldn't you like some more time in the day maybe an extra hour in the day something more you could do with your life for sure what would you do with your day I would spend it with my boys yeah I'd spend it with my boys I'd hang out with them for one more hour the fun hour

not the shit hour where you have to get them ready for school or where they're crying or changing a diaper not those ones just the bit where I'm playing video games with them and we're all having a laugh. A lot of us spend our lives wishing we had more time. The question is time for what? If time is unlimited, how would you use it?

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slash idk today to get 10 off your first month that's better help help.com slash idk i've told this story once before or a couple of times before but okay so one time i had another hemorrhoid who was bleeding it's fucking and this this are the two worst bleeding incidences at the moment i'm like living in class i've got a great arsehole right now you you you you could eat off it anyway so i i um i i i but you know like i didn't have tsa pre-check and you have to go in and do the x-ray right and i had a wadded up bit of toilet paper in my ass to clot up all the blush right and so they go uh there's something in your back pocket and i've gone oh no because it clearly looks like i've shoved drugs up my ass yeah

right i thought it looked like a water balloon if it was getting big that was just a bit of paper that was just a little hair in there and so i just pulled out this soaked bit of bloody tissue out of my master and they did not check anymore they called it a day let me move on so drug dealers just put a bloodstained bit of paper up your ass and you can get anything through hey how often do you guys wash jeans after every hemorrhoid pop no i mean like no um uh they get four wears and then i wash them four wears i don't wash my black ones ever ever i'll take them to the dry cleaner just to do steam thing because the black will fade yeah i would say week those are good i would say a week yeah uh there's times i haven't washed them for like

months is that bad that is bad it's like but you meet a girl who's like when you start dating someone you're like hey you haven't washed those since i've met you yeah you know and then and you're like oh yeah i should probably know but i wash i'm very clean about it i wash everything all my other clothes it's not even the cleanliness it's so that they get their body back i think levi's even so you don't have to wash you just put them in the freezer and get the kills all the bacteria freezer yeah i don't know about that we're using alternative medicine yeah exactly where do you get the inevitable food stains and all that you spot spot clean it no i like them getting more worn and worn and worn i agree with you in which american state was mark twain born jim said atlanta georgia he was yeah

well florida missouri yeah was the actual town and then he moved to Hannibal, which is where, is like the riverboat town on the Mississippi. So that's where all the stories kind of came from. When you wrote this in here, I was like, Florida? I didn't know it was from Florida. Isn't that funny? It's called Florida, Missouri. And then I looked it up on a map,

and there was a city next to it called Mexico, Missouri. So I don't know what the fuck they're doing. There must be fucking no one living there. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. Never heard of it. He moved to Hannibal when he was like be fucking no one living there. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I've never heard of it, yeah. He moved to Hannibal when he was like four, so that's just like a sidebar, I guess. And that was on the Mississippi River, Hannibal?

Yeah, and that's where all the, supposedly, like all the actual characters from Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer were all. That's where he did a lot of his talks, because he was a Hannibal Lecter. I'm going to make a mark where that is. Edit that out. So he did end up being basically a steamboat captain. He learned how to do it. It's just one wheel, isn't it?

Yeah. We were still driving a pretty big ship. I've seen a fucking mouse do it, mate. You can only go one way. While whistling. Yeah, it goes forward. Nothing to it. When Mickey Mouse was doing it, he was spinning the wheel like this.

That boat must have just been going like this. Oh, the fucking mouse is in charge. So, yeah. It's like speed two out there that's kind of the cool thing because he he was like he was really young when he started doing that and then his brother was doing it with him and and his brother actually died in like a boiler room they had some you know safety stuff the steam engine so his brother died and so he quit quit that when he was like i think 18 or 20 and they said he was a pretty good like captain he's like really good at

it and then his other brother was one of those like um like during the silver rush out in nevada he was like appointed like governor of that territory or something so they actually took like a stagecoach this is before the railroad they took a stagecoach for like eight weeks to go out there so he goes and he it's a whole book called roughing it and he goes through like uh utah he writes a whole thing it's basically like the book of mormon first like he's just making fun of how ridiculous all this stuff is and how how they have like 20 wives and how it would be terrible because you have like one gift, and then all the other 19 wives want the same thing,

and how it's not practical financially. Who wants 20 wives? I watch those shows and lifestyles like Sister Wives, where they have like four wives. I don't watch them religiously, but you see an advert or something like that. Who fucking, just have one wife and 19 affairs, like fucking hell,

what are you doing? 20 wives. You have to live with them. I wouldn't want, I don't want 20 male friends living in me house. I thought you liked this idea though because you have one you watch TV with.

Yeah, but this is the thing. I used to have this theory, right? You have one that you watch telly with, your telly wife, the sex wife, who's the best at that cooking wife uh one who does the bills and then one who you go to when you're panicking about something to calm you down and that's all your wives because that's all i do with my wife all those activities, right? But then I reckon that... A driver wife. Yeah, no, I like driving.

I have no problem there. I don't mind driving. Eventually, yeah, what I really need is a home repair wife because I do those myself and I'm not good at it. You need a couple sex wives, though, because you'll get tired of having sex with one wife and then you've got to have the other. Now, the sex wife is open-minded and brings other wives in every now and then.

She recruits them. Other sex wives. Yeah, yeah. That's a good plan. Yeah, yeah, the threesome wife. What was Mark Twain's relationship with Halley's Comet? Jim said he was the first to go to front-time. Oh, yeah, you're way off on this.

I thought he was almost going to get that because he was doing the math on it. He was born the day that the Haley's Comet was happening. There you go. And? He liked it. What about the end? Oh, when he died, when Haley's Comet came again, he died at 84 years of age.

No, 70. It was 74, right? It was a 75. It's 76 or 70. It was 74, right? It was a 75. It's 76 or 70. 74, 74. Okay, so did it come in 84? Is that where I'm getting the number 84 from? When was the last time?

I think so. It was 35 he was born, and it was like, he was born like three months after it came, and then- You have here he was born two weeks after Haley's comma was seen. Yeah, something like that.

And then he said he was going to die, right? Yeah, and like the year before, he's like, I'm going to die when the comet comes. Halley's Comet comes about every 75 years. When was the last one? Yeah, 75 years. So he came in 1835, he was born. 86.

And then in 1909, the year before, he said, I'm going to die next year when Halley's Comet comes. And he died the day after the comet came. Okay, so I was nine years old when Hayley's Comet came, right? And my parents drove us out to this field where there was a whole lot of people staring up. And everyone's like, there it is, there it is, there it is. I couldn't see it.

And I just started lying. I'm a kid. I'm like, oh, yeah. I couldn't fucking see. Jim, over here. I couldn't fucking Jim over here I couldn't fucking see this fucking thing and so we stood out

in this field for a couple of days I think we camped or something and then eventually my parents drove us home and I fell asleep

in the car and my dad you know when you're a little kid my dad lifted me out of the car to bring me into the house

type of thing right and I sort of woke up you know and I looked up from our driveway and i fucking saw it all that time in the fucking field that's what happened to me in alaska you

know the people go on the whale watching things for like five hours i was just bored and uh i just went to lunch at one of those places right in the pier and then the guy's like hey they're doing the net they do some like netting thing with bubbles to like get the fish come and then the guy's like hey they're doing the net they do some like netting thing with bubbles to like get the fish come and uh the thing jumps right out of the water like like five feet from the sidewalk and i was recording it at the time so i'm like all right i just did it whale watching is the most out of any industry is the biggest bunch of fucking shysters they tell you right away like you might not see anything yeah yeah and they're like this ah we saw and then at the end you just see like a fin just sort of

just break the water and then i had one recently in hawaii where they shoved the microphone down into the water they said that we're gonna listen and then it was just i reckon it was just a girl like at the other end of the boat going we're going to listen and then it was just i reckon it was just a girl like at the other end of the boat going because they're like everyone was like oh we're here i could have heard that on youtube or some shit you know what else they do on that is they always tell you about the last time oh we had a lot of whales out here last week a lot of whales in the last week so i i me me and reese darby and some other comics but i just remember Rhys from this day, but we went whale watching in Cape Town. So you go all the way out,

sort of out past Robben Island where Mandela was. I've got to give it up for Mandela. He would have seen some whales in his day. Like it wasn't all bad. That's a hell of a whale watching position. Anyway, so we go out, we see a couple of sea lions like on a buoy just sort of like sunbaking and we don't see anything the water's all choppy everybody on the boat except for me and this one

other girl is vomiting it's the killing fields down in down in the bow of the boat there's just rows and rows of people with bags just like the water's rough everyone was going reese was vomiting everyone's vomiting and so, and then they got back. We didn't see a single whale. And then the guy at the end had his fucking can out, the boat guy, asking for tips. And I was like, are you fucking kidding me? Everyone almost died and you're just like, cha-ching.

Remember we did the field shoot for sharks in South Africa. We didn't see a single shark. But then when we broke for lunch, we looked over the cliff, and then we just see a shit ton of whales. It's like, that would have been nice when we were on the boat. I know. I had to get into a shark cage, and they put chum in the water and everything, and then no sharks.

Just a sea lion. Just a sea lion rocked up. That's because they're all dead. What was Mark Twain's stance on social issues, particularly race? He said he would have been pro-race, anti-slavery, free-thinking kind of guy. Yeah. You were pretty good on that.

So when he went to Nevada, he started writing, like, you know, just, like, shit-stirring stuff in the paper to make people read. Like, all his posters would be, like, you know, doors open at 7, the paper to make people read like all his posters would be like you know doors open at seven trouble starts at eight stuff like that and so there was a guy who challenged him to a duel which I guess he would have gotten arrested for if he participated in but also he found out the guy was a really good shooter so he took off and then went to San Francisco and started writing for the paper in San Francisco and then went to san francisco and started writing uh for the paper in san francisco and then was like appalled at how they were treating all the chinese workers and that like they would let dot like the police would just watch them so he like wrote a bunch of articles

against the police there and basically like ran himself out of san francisco too but he was against slavery abolitionist all that kind of stuff so he's very like free thinking from nobody nobody was writing that stuff but no no and the funny thing is so when he was uh i guess i forget what age he would have been but he enlisted in the confederate army no and so he was gonna fight it was like a couple weeks and then it was against uh ulysses s grant was the guy he was fighting like his his troops and he just decided like no way i'm i'm out of here and so he's he basically deserted the confederate army and then realized like later on it was a good good uh choice but then he wrote the biography of of grant later on like saved his life. Have we ever had a good movie biopic about Twain?

I don't know. I don't think so. There's a guy who did like this one-man show about him. There's a famous, Hal Holbrook, I think. It sounds like it would be a good biopic though, right? It sounds like it should be. I mean, there's plenty of movies. Like there's Huck Finn, you know, Tom Sawyer.

We've got movies of his books, but like following him through the Civil War and all that type of stuff. Yeah, moving out west. Moving out west. And it's a fun bit of Americana history, not even about him as such, but we could follow. Well, even for us, because it's like when he's traveling to all these places,

it's kind of like we're doing it with comedy because, you know, and then he goes from San Francisco. He goes to Hawaii, which was called the Sandwich Islands at the time. And so he's like telling people about Hawaii for the first time. And then on his way back, that's when he meets that dude who shows him like a picture of his family. And he's like, oh, your sister's hot. I want to meet her. And so that's when he actually moves back east to New York

to meet this guy's sister and get married after he does all these crazy things. It says Ken Burns did a documentary. Yeah, but an actual biopic we could get. Yeah, okay, I'm going to say the best portrayal, is that the right word, portrayal? Could be. Yeah, of Mark Twain is uh woody harrelson in cheers

i think val kilmer did something like that one man show woody harrelson's character he's playing mark twain in a play and he can't get the makeup off and then he starts dating an old woman because she thinks he's old yeah there's roughing it which is kind of like you said the story there's a version of that to part part of his life but not his whole life yeah that was in 2002 they made but yeah oh they did make a movie they were called roughing it with james garner played played twain no i don't remember that and it says a teenage mark twain travels to american west during the gold rush days in search of fortune and his destiny.

So they had that portion of his life, but not like the, I don't know. But where did he get his sense of travel? Because, like, you know, traveling's very hard back then. It's all going to be stagecoaches and boats and shit like that. And he seems to have traveled very far. Well, that's the crazy thing is, so that first move west was on the stagecoach, and that was before the railroad.

So, like, by the time he's moving back, the railroad's built, and he's just like, I can't imagine, like, doing it, how easy it would be now to do it on the train, you know? And then that's when he ended up, like, when he moved east. I don't know where we are in this, but he, you know, he tries to win over that that woman

you can go let's have a look at this woman let's have a look at this one i want to see i want to see if she's new york where you're talking about olivia langdon right yeah but yeah that makes sense though like if you if you did stagecoach first and then they invented trains you'd be traveling then you know you'd be like oh this is so easy now i even in case of my parents in the 60s this is her this is the picture that he went she's so hot i have to move to new york i don't know it's not bad i mean you know yeah but also she was like high class like big money high class kind of thing so he was that's not a good picture of her but like my parents in the 60s right the 60s isn't that long ago right right air travel so so a mere 10 years before i was born my parents met each other in

in london england and to get over there boat from australia two weeks two weeks on fucking boats and they're not like luxury cruises like we have now. Sleeping in bunk beds with other people that they've just met type of thing. Right. And it's like, that's just the fucking 60s, man. Well, that's the Van Halens came from, they were on Holland America. The dad was like an entertainer on like a cruise ship and put them in the band. And that's how they got to Pasadena. That was like paid for their trip.

What? Yeah. There's like pictures of Eddie and Alex like in some dining room on the boat as they're like crossing. Oh, wow. Are they from England? They're from Holland, I think.

Holland? Yeah, Holland. Oh, Van Halen. Yeah. What am I fucking thinking? Well, the dad's Dutch, but the mom is Filipino, I think. Right, right, right, right, right. Yeah, what I'm saying, though, makes sense even with the ship, though.

If you're stagecoach, and then there's a train, then you're like, this is luxury. For us, we'd be like, fuck this. We're not taking a train across the country. I don't know. I've started to look at a few Instagram posts of people taking the train rides with the sleeping carriages and all that type of stuff. It's like 24 hours to get to Seattle.

I'm thinking maybe that might be something fun to do with my next Seattle gig. I get on the train and just have a look. On the way back too? No, I'll do it one way. One way, yeah. I'll eat in the food cart and I'll sleep in the thing. It's like a sleeping carriage is like 500 bucks. Yeah.

And it's like, I don't know, it might be an adventure. I did it in Canada once. I did Montreal to Toronto and it was like a day. It was fun. It was fine. But it was like, I don't know if I could do that for a week. There's a train that goes from Sydney to Perth and that's the equivalent of New York to LA and the Indian Pacific.

And it goes across the middle of the country, and most of the things you're seeing out the window are just red dirt. Yeah. And most people can't afford to have the sleeping carriage or anything like that, but there's one carriage that they might as well just call the everyone's on drugs carriage. And it's all these British backpackers who are just like, fucking yeah, let's do this, man.

And they're non-stop. Non-stop party carriage. Yeah, the only problem with those trains is once you get there, you're at a train station. And the infrastructure isn't as good as an airport. It's okay. Oh, it's way better than an airport. Well, at least in Britain, because you end up in the middle of the city

and there's a cab rank, and there's no- Europe, fine. Yeah. Like, you get on that train from London out to Paris, you're fucking- you're in the middle of Paris. Yeah. Yeah. It's the best.

You go under the water in a train. Like, every time there's a- so, Sydney- I know we're going off target, but- so, Sydney had the Sydney Harbour Bridge forever. Now, the biggest problem is biggest harbour in the world. So you can't have a grid system in Sydney because there's too many peninsulas and stuff like that. There has to be a little... It's a kind of a place to drive around Sydney.

And so to make it better, they put more bridges. But when I was a kid, it was just the Sydney Harbour Bridge and that was really basically it. And then they fucking... They put a tunnel underneath the bridge. It's similar to the one in london so you might remember those moments like when the british workers and the french workers they're a little bit they crack through the wall and then a finger came through and they touched

each other and they were because they didn't know for sure if they were going to meet up yeah my whole childhood was my dad just talking about how there's no fucking chance in the world that those two tunnels are going to match up the fucking government's gonna fuck this up this bloody country's gone to the dogs then when it happened he uses it every day now did you say mark twain wrote a book about australia yeah yeah so that what that's like yeah he uh did he ever go to australia or yeah he's it's it's fascinating man like i didn't even know i read roughing it but then i didn't know that he was That's like, yeah. Did he ever go to Australia? Yeah. It's fascinating, man. Like, I didn't even know. I read Roughing It, but then I didn't know that he was, like,

making fun of the Mormons. Like, he read the Mormon Bible just to make fun of it, basically. And, like, and so he did in Hawaii I didn't know about. And then so basically the other thing is he becomes friends with all these inventors because he's trying to invent stuff. So, he's friends with Tesla. He's friends with Edison. There's even, like, a film that Edison, like, one of the first films is Mark Twain just smoking a cigar at his house.

Like, he asked him if he could use that. And so, he invented all this stuff, but he just made all these, like, bad investments. all this stuff but he just made all these like bad investments so then he ends up uh he ends up like his wife is was rich and she's like you got to pay back all your debts and he's like i just want to declare bankruptcy and they're like no no put together like this world tour and then everyone will see that you pay back your debts and all this kind of stuff so he did i think 150 countries and so countries yeah and so that that's what's considered the first there's only like 180 your debts and all this kind of stuff. So he did, I think, 150 countries. Countries? Yeah, and so that's what's considered the first. I always thought there was only like 180 countries in total.

It's like 240-something. It's 150 dates. I think it was different countries. But it was like the first stand-up tour. He had six 15-minute lectures, basically. And so he just had like six sets. So he would do a couple of shows. What, he's coming out and doing 15 minutes?

Well. But like chunks. 15-minute chunks. Oh, okay. Yeah, no, that's a good show. That's a good show, yeah. But he would do like. Who was his opener?

But that was when he was like, because I read Willie Nelson's biography too. He was 59 when he declared bankruptcy and the IRS was after him. And it was kind of like the same thing. And then Twain just became more famous after all the trouble. But then he wrote a book on Australia, you said. Yeah, it's called Wayward. Yeah, I think the quote is famous because he said,

I think the quote is famous because he said, God created the harbor in Sydney, but Satan created the city or something like that. It's like a famous quote. The wayward tourist. Mark Twain's adventures in Australia. You would have gone down to King's Cross probably. And I guess Australian people love it,

but you've never read it. I've never heard of it, but I'm not, well, look, we do this podcast because i'm not very intelligent but um but no i i never even knew he went to australia yeah he went everywhere and there was a quote like uh he did the sea of galilee like when and then the boat was like really expensive and the joke was just like i know now why jesus walked on water you know what i mean it's just like that's a 200-year-old joke. That's pretty good. Well, back then, they wouldn't have even had the bridge.

It would have been a kind of a place to get around. If you were on this bit here and you wanted to get to that bit there, oh, no. Boats only. And then Olivia Langdon is who we married, right? But she said she was rich. You just mentioned all that stuff. She was high society.

Yeah, so the funny thing, so they're high society. So he's after her for like two years, like trying to like win her over. And so they're like, you need two character references. So he had to get like two guys to like write letters to their parents saying like how good he was. And then one of them said he lives a drunkard's life, and the other guy said he's bound to be hanged

or something like that. Whatever. If you want to have a good night out, I went through and banged four chicks at once. He has a good dinner party, I guess. All right alright his friends what other famous literary friends

did he have Jim said Roald Dahl I don't even know who that is Roald Dahl wrote Willy Wonka and Charlie

Charlie and Chocolate Factory the twits yeah now I remember he's a very famous Matilda so other famous writers and friends are acquaintances

you said Tesla and Tesla's apparently when he was really sick, read all of Twain's stuff and that's like what got him through it. So he always like wanted to repay him. What did Tesla invent besides the wah wah wah wah machine? Well,

I mean, that's the whole reason that Twain was so fired up about. Like he tried to invent the typesetting machine and invested like $200,000, which is like a crazy amount of money, and he just missed it. I think he did the wrong patent or somebody else did the next one. Somebody else did it. And then he- I said Tesla fucked him.

No, no, it wasn't Tesla. It was just him picking the wrong thing. He's just so bad with money. And he was making so much money. He's by far the best-selling author, and he just made so many bad decisions. And the one... Drink liquid death.

The one... What was the... Oh, he had the first private residence telephone. And they asked... What's the point of that? Can't call you on that. And they said they asked him

if he wanted to invest in that and he said no and that's the one that would have made him like a billion dollars. It was the typewriter that he was into, was it? Yeah, because he was trying

to figure out like printing press stuff so he invented some weird it wasn't even like the I think it was the original typewriter when was that? Because he did some like odd version of a typewriter that just wasn't even like the, I think it was the original typewriter. When was that? Because he did some like odd version of a typewriter that just wasn't quite right.

And he just kept investing in all these bad things and just kept losing money. I had a typewriter. It's a fun thing. Every now and again, I get there and go. How do you have one? I bought one. Really? Yeah.

What, a hipster garage sale or something? Just a hundred bucks. I just bought one. I think the question was, how do you have one? No, I bought one. Really? Yeah. What, at a hipster garage sale or something? Just a hundred bucks. I just bought one. I think the question was, how do you have one? No, I bought one. At parties sometimes, I'll put it there with a bit of paper and people can write little messages to the birthday person. Was it for Charlie's, was it the baby shower?

The baby shower, yes. The baby shower, you could write messages to the baby. And there's something about like, if I'm in trouble with the wife or something and I write a little typed-out message, it's even better than a handwritten one because there's something artistic about it. It's there forever. This is the things that it says.

This is a ThoughtCo.com article. And it says, this is what Mark Twain invented. Inventor of the bra strap. What? Why would he do such a thing? But I think it was for men and women. The bra strap was intended to use

to tighten shirts at the waist. The man's ear? It was supposed to take place in suspenders. Instead of suspenders, he tightened the... Suspenders are a weird one. Suspenders only work on the extremely fat or the extremely thin. Yeah. Yeah, you can't be... You can't be... I'm not fat enough.

Yeah, yeah. Because I tried to wear them one time and it's not good. No, because you're still putting your gut over the top of your belt. Yeah, that's true. Right, right. Yeah, you have to put it over your gut. There's a moment with fatness when you go, and now I'm an over. Yeah.

Right? You go from a 33 to a 68. Just overnight, you go, I'm a a 68. Just overnight. You go, I'm a 68 waist. And that's when the suspenders come back into play. When you go over the gut. I don't think it's a good look at any point, though. I just feel like-

It's only for Mork and Mindy. I just feel like one moment where the clip comes off and then bang, you lose a tooth. And then this says he also made the self-pasting scrapbook. Scrapbook, yeah. The self-pasting scrapbook? So you'd peel off a thing, it would be a layer of glue, and then you just go... It said it made him $50,000 from that alone back in 1885.

He wanted to just collect articles and things from different places, I guess. And then it said failed investment was the page typesetting machine yeah several hundred thousand dollars as you were saying on a machine it was 200 000 it's like 20 million bucks yeah that's like people made like 1800 a year back then so yeah yeah and then the stroke of bad time is all you're saying is twain was trying to get the page machine up and running the far superior lineal type machine came along and then he was fucked so that so it's like it's like how bono invested in palm pilot oh yeah the blackberry yeah yeah bono put a lot of money into the palm pilot oh no well he forgot about it that's why residency that's why he's like yeah we'll do some more at the sphere um and so he was friends with tes and it says Helen Keller you said or yeah so he did she know they were friends yeah so I forget the he either helped her with something but the

teacher who became he's the one that coined the phrase I'm the miracle worker for the teacher and that's what all they used to do a joke about this. They used to put her hand under water, and then on the other hand, they would sign language the word water over and over again until eventually she went water. Which leads me to ask the question, how did they teach her the word fisting? I remember this joke.

What was Mark Twain's relationship with Theodore Roosevelt? He said he finger-banged him behind a trailer. Yeah, I'm really... Since Kelly's been gone, I've really gone rogue on this podcast. I think you would have said that with Kelly here. Yeah, but she would have frowned. I think I said Jesus or something. Jesus?

Like he was offended. I'm trying to level it out a little bit. Yeah, he did look a little appalled. So what happened with Roosevelt? What did he do? Well, yeah. I mean, he used to be critical of him, like, you know, in the press, you know. And then I think when they actually met, he considered him like kind of a buffoon

because he was like a hunter. Like, he always pictures himself on the horse and all that kind of stuff. So he always kind of a buffoon because he was like a hunter like like he always get pictures himself on the horse and all that kind of stuff so he always kind of made fun of him and then i guess when they actually met and hung out he really liked him that happens so much so in it yeah i won't i won't say any names but there's sometimes there's comedians where you're like that fucking guy and then yeah you spend 10 minutes in dressing room and you know it's a good guy yeah it's all right i bet you there's people who have had the same experience with me, both in opposite directions.

Yeah, I said sometimes it works the other way. I reckon he'll be awesome. Oh, he's a cunt. It happens both ways, yeah. Were people critical of the president? I mean, he was super famous, I guess. But all presidents is people critical of. There's never been a president where everyone's like,

that guy's killing it. But Mark Twain would be as famous as Brad Pitt now, right? I mean, he'd be that level of celebrity, I'm assuming. Yeah, but without seeing him on film all the time. He was a columnist, didn't he?

So it's just like, Brad Pitt's not famous for his columns. But he's also considered the first modern celebrity. Just famous for being famous. Everyone knew, oh, he's got the mustache, the white hair. Yeah, that was the end. like the first modern like celebrity like just famous for being famous like everyone knew oh he's got the mustache the white hair well that was the end so his legacy beyond his literary

works you were saying that he was did the women go crazy did the you know was it that level of fame that yeah there is a weird thing later on that well he had a couple tough like his i think his parents both died young that's why he started traveling and then his brother died and then i think his marriage his one of his daughters so when he did that big tour the world tour one of his daughters died during that stretch right and that kind of like dumped him out and then and then his wife died early so like his last five years he's just like this old famous guy with nobody to talk to. So he just like, you know.

Oh, I feel for him now. He had like, there's this, I think they called him Angel Fish or something. So they're like his like honorary like granddaughters who he'd like write letters to or send things to or something like that. Like he just seemed like, and that's why he did that thing about the comet. He's just like, I'm ready to go out when it comes back through. I mean, he wrote a better quote about it. But he is one of the guys that, like, you know how people try to give you quotes from people, and you're like, oh, that's fucking stupid.

But he's got, like, some quotes that actually make sense. Can we bring up, like, his top ten quotes? You wrote some quotes. You guys have wrote some quotes. Paul wrote some in there. Never argue with stupid people. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience. Isn't that the truth?

Yeah. That's the fucking truth. Because I did that the other day on the internet. Every about once every three years, literally once every three years, I go, I'm going to comment on this thing. And then they all come after me and I'm like, and then try to reason with people and what am i doing yeah just why am i reasoning with this fucking idiot yeah yeah yeah you're right mark twain nailed it here's another mark twain quote keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions small people always do

that but they're really great make you feel that you too can become great. Not funny, but factual. True. Yeah, true statement. It's not the size of the dog in the fight. It's the size of the fight in the dog. It's a huge quote. Everyone says that. It's crazy.

Well, I don't know about that. Is that in Australia? Did they translate that one? Here's a couple more that Paul wrote in the doc. It's not the size of the dingo. He also did that joke. How big the dingo's dick is. He did that joke, what's better than eating a mandarin?

A woman's rear end? A mandarin. Is that what it is? No, he's not. That's not his joke. No, that's not his joke. But that's the one. Oh, he said it.

I always like, it only works in the accent, so I'd let you say it. Oh, I never heard that one. You never heard that joke before? No. You say it. What's better than eating a mandarin? Yeah. A mander out.

No, eating a mander out. Eating a mander out. I don't know, it still works. Yeah, it works a little better. The accent's better, yeah um so these aren't the other three that paul wrote here aren't necessarily funny but okay the two most important days of your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why yeah i've heard that quote yeah that's everyone says that in their marriage vows yeah

and now i found out my why and all that yeah give every day a chance to become the most beautiful day in your life alright fucking hell gee someone was on the happy pills that day

how about this life is short break the rules forgive quickly kiss slowly love truly laugh uncontrollably never regret anything

that makes you smile and dance like no one's watching yeah that's right he apparently has done a lot of quotes that are on wine glasses

now yeah I'm gonna try and find something funny No one's watching. That's right. He apparently has done a lot of quotes that are on wine glasses now. I'm going to try and find something funny that works for me. No, there's a ton of funny ones. It is amazing how many, I guess, when you just are used to writing every day, they just compile all these, and then it's just like, oh, man, this guy had a whole body of work. Yeah. Let's see.

I'll have the soup is one of his ones. Nobody has any quotes anymore, though. Like, what year did people start being quotable, you think? Well, most things have been said, I guess, but maybe not. I try not to be a cunt, which is just not going to stand the test of time, is it? If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, true that. It's wisdom. True that. If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're misinformed. Boom shakalaka. If you read the newspaper, you're misinformed. Boom shakalaka.

And that's the thing, when you think about it, this is like 1880 or whatever, he's coming up with this stuff. That's why I'm always amazed what stands the test of time. Cause he's just like. Well this one doesn't because it's, okay. Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience. This is the ideal life.

You would replace this with television. I love TV. Good friends, good TV, and a sleepy conscience. This is the ideal life you would replace us with television i love tv good friends good tv and a sleepy conscience this is the ideal all you need is jelly oh the other thing the other thing is kind of fascinating about his uh he smoked cigars like he smoked so many cigars that like even that 30 second movie with edison he's smoking a cigar. Yeah, yeah. So they say average, this is like at the museum, average cigars, how many would you guess he smoked a day? It's going to be high, but I can't imagine anyone smoking more than one a day,

but I've never understood cigars. Me neither. I understood cigarettes, but I never understood cigars because it's so heavy it stinks I was in Vegas and I just saw a bloke just walking along with a big suit and a pinky ring and I'm like you fucking 30 cunt

stop trying to look like you're from Dick Tracy I'm going to say 6 40 no there's no way in the world that someone can smoke 40 Um, I'm going to say six. 40. No, there's no way. There's no way in the world that someone could smoke 40 cigs. There's not enough hours in the day. That means that he's lighting the cigars off each other. That's his air then.

And he did have a company that, like, he was also the first guy, like, he's like, I'll do an ad for anything as long as you pay me money. Okay, so a heavy to light smoker is 20 cigarettes a day and 20 cigarettes is a packet of cigarettes right that when i uh when i smoked you could that was a cigarette an hour while you're awake yeah while you're right and then there's like and then you had some drinks and then you had two or three in that hour while you were drinking alcohol, right? Right. But then the rest, it was one an hour, maybe. So 40 cigarettes. No, 40 cigars.

Cigars, 40 cigars. So let's say, what is the mean time to smoke a cigar? 15 minutes? I don't know. To smoke a cigar entirely? I have no clue. Right? Maybe more, 15 minutes?

At least, yeah. Yeah, and so he's doing at least two an hour ways. So there was less time when he was not smoking than when he was smoking. Smoking was more. He probably is smoking like shits. A five-inch cigar takes about 20 to 30 minutes. He's smoking nonstop. He's lighting them off each other. But you're thinking, I think these are different cigars.

And he lived to his 70s? Yeah, 75. smoking non-stop he's lighting them off each other but yeah but you're thinking i think these are different and he lived to his 70s you want yeah 75 and the funny thing is so he went his most productive years were i think it was the sister-in-law they're living on this farm and it's close to where i grew up that's how i know about a lot of stuff but they built him this like writing it's like a gazebo basically and so because they didn't want him to smoke inside so he basically just set spent all his time in there writing and he wrote i think 10 books in that place and he's just like smoking non-stop so with that i totally understand like you know some like you know it's just like drinking you know what his teeth like babaloo cigar company loves mark tw's quotes and salutes one of the best cigar smokers of all. Oh, this is like just quotes about it.

If smoking is not allowed in heaven, I shall not go. I make it a rule to never smoke while I'm sleeping. But here's some other funny ones, too. There was God created war so the Americans would learn geography. God created war so the Americans would learn geography. Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. And then clothes make the man.

Naked people have little or no influence on society. True that. But there's, I think, an Ernest Hemingway quote is about, like, all American literature comes from one book by Mark Twain called Huck Finn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here's one more. Why is Huck Finn so good? What makes it so good? Is it just a great adventure?

Is it a thing? Is there something that it was saying about society when it was written that was um revolutionary is like why was it so good i think it's it's also just the description because it's just you know turn a phrase you know reading something that's like a common person could read instead of you know some elite people so i think it was just more of like middle of the road like everyone can enjoy this story and i'm not gonna write it in a way that's alienating people and so i think that's what hemingway learned too because his stuff is very like newspaper wrote like simple words short syllables actually twain is like a little more he uses like some crazy words but um but yeah i think that's the main

thing is that it was just more relatable you know what i mean it wasn't about a king yeah this is saying too it was a pragmatic approach to like but but it shows like the character's inner struggles which probably wasn't i mean i don't know about literature yeah people didn't talk about problems yeah they weren't talking about like you wouldn't see it you wouldn't get to know those characters and turn like that and, they weren't talking about, like, you wouldn't get to know those characters and things like that. And then, in a sense, we're talking about that as well, which was, you know, it's kind of like why you like TV and shit like that is because of the way

that scripts and stuff are written. That's how they're written now. Because otherwise, you wouldn't watch a show where you didn't learn anything about the person, you know, or their problems or issues or any of that shit. Yeah, and they can be either likable or not likable. You know, there's certain... Books before that were probably just like, you know, just very matter of fact.

I mean, there was definitely books before that. And I don't know if it's him. There's one quote about how kids love horrible people. So as long as you put like a horrible person in the story, kids will always love it. Because it's like, think like eric cartman or somebody like people we like we like gross out stuff when you're little kids yeah yeah but anybody who says like mean stuff to other people like kids and also so um especially i don't know little kids

uh like whenever they see a smaller person going on an adventure where they're not in where they have their own power of movement you know what i mean where they're just like i'm gonna go over here freedom like dora the explorer kids don't have freedom yeah kids have no freedom that's what like he man that secret sauce was the sentence i have the power right because kids have no power and then to get the smallest amount of, like, if you leave my two year old to his own devices, he'll break something or tear something down because it's like,

I got to, he's got to get his fix. You know what I mean? So I got to go in the pantry and tear something down because I know if someone was watching me, I won't be allowed to do this. Right. Right.

It also says it was one of the first novels to, to utilize a regional vernacular and document like realism and that kind of so i think the goal is to like get you to start quoting twain instead of he-man in in certain conversations so then you remember any of the it makes you more eligible for the award i feel like i feel like i was more quoting the prince that becomes he-man prince adam well that's what remember this one never argue with stupid people they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience yeah that's one you can remember you like i know that one you said that earlier i know but do you remember it no um uh we talked about the abolitionist

movie i think we talked did most of the nevada territory i didn't ask that question but you mentioned it yeah it was basically like the silver rush he was out there and he was just terrible didn't find anything but then started writing for the newspapers and stuff religion and i feel like anyone found anything i don't think so either yeah it doesn't feel like anyone got... Like, there's no families here that are like, oh, and then his dad, during the California gold rush, made all this money, and now they're sitting pretty. And it's like, it doesn't feel like anyone made anything.

And then we said, was he an atheist about religion and spirituality? Well, the other great quote is, if Jesus came back today, the last thing he would be is a Christian. Which is like, that became like a famous quote. I heard that quote too. He does have a lot of quotes. Yeah.

Why don't you think he'd be a Christian? Because the bastard, like... He'd be in charge of the whole thing. No, but he wouldn't like what... It's like saying if Hitler came back today, he wouldn't be a Nazi. For sure he would be. He probably wouldn't hang out with the modern day Nazis. They're scary.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, what's all these shaved head guys? We used to wear such lovely suits. Cool mustaches. Don't shave your head off. Push it down across your forehead. Have it look wet all the time. Nobody liked my mustache.

I thought that was what was going to catch on. Why are we all still doing that one? Why have you got tattoos on? Yeah. What are these Dr. Martin boots? Dr. Martin.? Dr. Martin. Poor Dr. Martin. All he did was try to help fucking kids with club feet,

and the bloody Nazis took over the boots. Wait, that's where they were started? Yeah, no, Dr. Martin was a real doctor. It was the first shoe with air soles in them. Could have used that in the shoe podcast the other day. But Dr. Martin invented air and soles, and this was long before nike started doing it but just yeah just like very thin little bits of air they're nazis

well i'm fascinated by the uh because you know the brothers the puma and adidas yeah yeah that story is amazing and adidas's name was adolf yeah rudolph adolph and rudolph yeah because they were living together and the one family went to the bomb shelter and didn't tell the other family. That's why I always thought the dude was on the other side. Yeah, all right. Oh, I didn't know that part. Because nobody knows how it started,

but the one guy actually fought in the war, and the other guy was like, maybe he likes Nazis. So we did that. We did the, oh, the atheist. You were saying he was an atheist, right? Well, he would read all the Bibles, but then would figure out who stole what from who and all that kind of stuff and analyze it

and see all the hypocrisy and everything. It's funny. I used to do a joke years ago when I first started comedy. 25 years ago, I used to do a joke, ago when I first started comedy. 25 years ago, I used to do a joke and I used to be so plucky with my youth. I used to be on stage trying to be all edgy and Bill Hicksy about religion or whatever like that. And I remember going, look, I've read the Bible from cover to cover. And I'll tell you this, obviously I haven't read the Bible. But I have tried to read the Bible several times.

I reckon I've done 150 pages of the Bible. It's terrible. Yeah, it's just so disjointed. It's just like, I thought we were in the middle of a story now, and now you're giving a quote for something else? What's going on? Nothing seems to flow. Yeah, no.

Anyone that reads it every day, it's like... Yeah. Mark 13. On the third day of verse... Chapter 7. I know the book is sectioned out so many times. And God said to me, Thus says the Lord. That's good. I am about to create new heavens and a new earth, that things of the past shall not be remembered or come to mind.

Instead, there shall always be rejoicing and happiness in what I create, for I create Jerusalem to be a joy. Fun. I've been to Jerusalem. Yeah. They haven't fixed it up since Jesus was there. It's not a joyous place, Jerusalem. Is there a beach?

There's a beach in Tel Aviv in Israel. Tel Aviv, yeah. Tel Aviv has a beach, yeah. And Tel Aviv, nice-looking Israeli women, men. Gal Gadots as far as the eye can see. Very nice. But Jerusalem is a very religious place, as you could imagine. Yeah.

is a very religious place, as you could imagine. Yeah. And it's got, and that's, but in saying that, it's got all the major religions living, not like that are from that region, all the major religions living next door to each other. That's the only section where like the Muslims and the Christians and the Jews are all just hanging out together in one marketplace.

You know the wall? The Wailing Wall. So you know the wall where people put the notes in, the whaling western wall? Oh, the western wall. First of all, it's men and women divided and only men can go on the left side and the men can go on the right. And they make you wear like a Jewish hat when you go

in there. You have to cover your head, yeah. Which incidentally I think was invented because one bloke was bald. Right, right. He was high up. He had the Sam Malone bald spot. He just had the bit at the back. Yeah, and he went, God wants us to do that. So when you're at that wall, I was trying to pull up a picture, but when you're at that wall, it looks like a jetway for an airplane,

you know, that's like going over the wall. You line up and you go on top of the wall and over that, and that is where the Muslim area is. I'm talking about on top of that wall, where there's like olive trees and all that stuff, and there's this big temple, and that's where I think Muhammad ascended. I might be getting names wrong,

but I don't know anything about religion, but someone ascended there. That's how close it is. Oh, wow. Like it's literally on top of that. And then like there's like a city. So it's like the old Yankee Stadium and the new one right there's like acidic jews in i would say 110 degrees of heat wearing big fur jackets and those woolly hats like madness where you just like like and

they're giving you the yarmulkes to wear before you go up to the wall right and i'm like dude are you comfortable yes i, I like this. Yeah, look, see? So there's, you can see the temple right there. That's the wall right there where everybody, and then that's the temple right there. It's like everything's on top of each other. Like, this is where everybody was.

A lot of tension. There's a lot of tension there, but anyway. Well, I started trying, like, it wasn't because of Mark Twain, but, like, just because of stories. We did Switzerland and Amsterdam one year, me and Ari Shaffir. Yeah. And we were like, we should just do two new countries a year instead of going back to Indianapolis every year.

Which I'm going to be in Des Moines. No offense, Des Moines. But yeah, so since then, I try to do two new countries. So I just did Tokyo two weeks ago for the first time. That's amazing. We did Tokyo last year. Yeah, yeah. Did we talk?

Oh, no, we talked about Bangkok. Yeah. Yeah, I'm going back to Bangkok. There's a new club in Bangkok now. So we're going back there next month. Did you play Tumlalland when you said you were going yes yeah it was a fun gig yeah it's a fun gig it was amazing we did the montreau comedy festival montreau switzerland which was like amazing that's where the freddie mercury statue

on the uh on the lake that's where they recorded under pressure with bowie so i i just get more out of traveling like it inspires your mind and you know you just come up with so many things. And the gigs pay the same as the gigs here and you get to go to a – like, I lived in Britain for 10 years and I probably went and gigged in Holland six times in 10 years. And I was like – it was a 40-minute flight. And I was like, why the fuck was I not here five times a year? Yeah. What was wrong with me? It's like Vegas.

Because my brain, oh, I've got to get on a plane. And then I moved to America, and I'm like, I should have been in Holland all the time. Yeah, you've got to get on a plane for everything here. Yeah, yeah. So this is a part of our show called Dinner Party Facts. I think you've already said these, though. We asked our guest to give some facts, obscure, interesting,

that can impress people. Because I see the phone things here. Yeah, the phone thing. The cigar things in there. If you ever see the movie, you can watch that afterwards. The short movie of him, just like Edison's like, we want you on film. Because they were worried nobody would even have evidence of him.

Because I don't think there's any audio recordings. But that's's how do we know let's say i've always thought this about lincoln oh did he meet lincoln he didn't meet lincoln but they did i guess right i think they wrote back and forth but he never got to meet him because when you see he was kind of on the other side so i guess maybe animatronic of lincoln or if you see daniel day lewis as l, you get this four score and seven years ago. But there's no recording. And even Mark Twain, it's always like every time I see him,

they always do like a lip smacking sort of. Yeah. The rumors of my death have been widely exaggerated. Like no one fucking knows! But that seems to be the gist. This is, it's a commercial right now, but it says the only video, only footage of Mark Twain in existence,

one minute, 47 seconds, Thomas Edison at Mark Twain's estate in 1909, so it was right before he died. Right. And he's smoking a cigar. That was the funny part. He's still putting brackets underneath Samuel Clements. He's just standing there, all white.

He's got a cigar in his hand there. Then he just walks off screen. Now he's walking around his land, smoking a cigar. Yeah, that's him. Yeah, he's a dude. He kept himself trim. Yeah, yeah.

But he lived to 75, man. That's kind of like the George Burns thing. You know, he was smoking until he was 103 or something like that. No, George Burns died like a day before he turned 100 or some shit. Oh, is that it? I thought he made it. Okay, so the AFL, the AFL, which is the Australian Football League,

which is a sport that would take me all day to explain to you, right? But it's a sport that's only played in Australia, right? Not played anywhere else. And they did an ad campaign. Yeah, they do. They do that way. He made it to 100.

And they do an ad campaign where it goes, they used to go, you're unbelievable, and then they show the marks, right? They had that song, right? And you knew that was Andrew Dice Clay, right? When you were a kid? Did you know that's him? Oh!

Oh, is it? Yeah. Isn't that crazy? I never knew that. So unbelievable. They even have him saying that. Isn't that funny? Oh, wow, I never knew it was him. And I don't think he gets money knew that. So unbelievable. They even have him saying that. Isn't that funny? Well, I never knew.

And I don't think he gets money for that. And I think he missed the boat because that is still playing a lot. Someone sent me the other day that one company is using me for their hair transplant commercials. You mean your face? Yes. You should be getting money for that amos said it to me he's like you gotta sue and i'm like i don't know if i can be bothered it doesn't feel like well the thing is once it gets stolen once then other people will do it

so you got then i saw them all i saw them all i go after all here it is a company called Mosh. It's Mosh Hair Transplants. Yeah, you should be getting, that's your image. Yeah. That's the image of you, but you're on a talk show. I'm on my talk show talking about how I'm losing, I've lost my hair, but I've had a transplant, right? Right. And, but not with this company, I didn't.

But it looks good in the picture though, so that's why you want to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So at least we know that, yeah, like look, M's why you want to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So at least we know that. Yeah, a bit. Like, look, Mosh, you've got to do better work than this. I haven't fixed it, Mosh. Mosh, Mosh, use this for your ad campaign.

Nailed it. That's there. Yeah, barely. Were you done with the EMF thing? I think you were saying something about EMF. Oh, so George Burns, they had an ad campaign, barely were you done with the emf thing you were saying something about emf but um oh oh so so george burns was they had an ad campaign and and this is why i know that he must have just turned 100 he must be just like five days into being 100 or something like that it's like two months yeah because because the thing was uh so the league had just turned 100 years old and then

everyone's like this um like they have some female celebrity go, oh, men in short shorts? I'd like to see that, right? Well, that's unbelievable because the song, that's unbelievable, that's unbelievable, that's unbelievable, right? And then it had George Burns just, and he goes, this league's almost as old as me?

That's unbelievable. And then he was like dead the next day he did do that with cigar he always looked like a monkey he looked like if you put george burns and a fucking chimp next to him george burns was a shaved down chimp yes i used to love that movie though the oh god oh god yeah with john denver yeah john never isn't that john denver ah yeah john it was john denver did very little acting and he did oh god i think i'm not gonna look at that i remember as a kid i used to love that like there's like three of them yeah there's oh god oh god two or oh god there's like there's always a oh carl reiner directed it what was it yeah yeah it was like a big movie. I'm going to have to watch that movie again. Derek Gelbart wrote it?

Damn. Oh God, book two? It was John Denver, right? I'm not wrong there, right? I'll find out. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, it is there. It's just in the credits right there.

Because he's the guy who sees him, right? Oh God, you devil. Oh God, you devil. I remember that. That was the third. That's when they didn't make sequels back then. They would just make the one movie. George Burns.

They were like, we got to get George before he. There must have been a George Burns body swap film. With him in like a 19 year old. I think there was one. George was skateboarding or something. I don't remember now. I remember watching, my grandmother liked George Burns. Oh no, there was.

There was one in 19. It was 91. That's what I'm saying. He was on one side of the candles was one in 19. It was 91. That's what I'm saying, yeah. He was on one side of the candles. This is out of your brain wisdom. That's what I'm saying. And I want to say, was it the kid off fucking Growing Plains? 18 again.

Who plays 18 again? So he was 81, and the other kid was on the other side of the candles. Yeah, I like that. There you go. There you go right there. And who was the kid? Who was the 18-year-old? Jonathan Prince.

Oh, I don't know. I don't know who he is. But I remember this movie, too. I was a Burns head. He was in Sergeant Pepper's Only Hearts Club, man. As Mr. Kite. Probably. Oh, I thought he was on the cover or something.

They put a lot of random people on that cover. They put a lot of people there. All right, well, did we do the dinner party? We did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think he's like, you know, he lived the travel life, drinking, womanizing, became a writer, lived that, like, basically on the road before on the road. How many illegitimate children?

I think he, they don't there there is a funny thing that he asked he writes home to his buddy and asked for condoms in there in one letter but then they try to like make that like disappear a little bit but i don't i don't think he had any children come out illegitimate but he had three, and I think two of them died of like one of those weird 1800s. Clara Clemens, Susie Clemens, Gene Clemens, and then there's a Langdon Clemens. Roger Clemens? Alright,

well, Paul Morrissey, go check out his website. Paul has a website dot com. You can see all his upcoming dates of his own tour, if he's touring with Tom Papa. you're still on the serious xm right yeah we do come to papa at the comedy cellar at the end of this month i think it's the 25th or 26th and i like tom papa he's a nice man and uh check out his new

comedy item ice cream versus everything go to uh apple music or spotify or whatever you got any new countries coming up yeah i'm doing bangkok there's a new club in bangkok i'm doing the end of april yeah um and then what was the other one do you have any suggestions because you're you're like the model for this uh whenever i go somewhere they're like oh they were just here because i think when you guys were in bangkok last time you guys had just been there. I tell you, like a country that I was just speaking to Barang about, the new one that I'm going to do is, on the next tour, I'm going to include Istanbul.

Yeah. Because I hear there's a scene. Yeah, he was just there. I was looking at Barang's story. Yeah, Barang's like we can sell gigs in Istanbul. That's amazing. But we did a whole, like, okay, so I'll tell you something cool that we did

morocco um no i haven't done morocco either but we just did iceland iceland and iceland's comedy clubs a short flight it's only it's only a three hour flight from new york yeah oh really about five hours i think but still it's not terrible but yeah no it's five hours to london yeah it's on the way to london yeah, they're the ones that had that crazy airline. It was like 80 bucks for a year, and all these Instagram people went. You had to stay over for three days. But then the airline went bankrupt in the middle, and everyone was stuck at the airport.

But I remember everyone went to Iceland, like Reykjavik. It's a very unique country, and I just watched somebody feed Phil. He went there. He went to a lot of the places we went to. That soup is the best soup I've ever eaten. Remember the pork thing we just had in that, like, bar? Like, bus day? He went there.

He had a hot dog. The episode's really good. He did, like, all the things we did, except he had the langoustines, but he didn't drive out where we went. The place we went was amazing. Well, I want to take the wife to Iceland and then stay in one of those bubble rooms and watch the Northern Lights and have that soup.

That's one of my next actual holiday holidays. But any place that you wouldn't do a gig that you just want to see? Oh, there's plenty of places that I'd like to see. Like the Maldives? I've never been to the Maldives. But see, this is the thing. My wife didn't grow up super wealthy or anything like that, but she did grow up in a family that were very into traveling.

They thought travel was important, right? And so every time I'm with my wife and I'm like, hey, I'm going to take you to blah, blah, blah. We show up to some country where I think I'm like, aren't you lucky to be married to me? And she goes like this, I went a couple of times here when I was a child. So she's been to the Maldives I'm doing some work in Australia

coming up, I've got an Australian I still haven't been to Australia, that's what I gotta do go to Australia, I can hook you up with promoters in Australia, I can hook you up with gigs in Australia man what's the shortest amount of time that you can go like that's the trouble. Well, a day,

no one stops you. No. Right? You're really tired. If you wanted to just do one coast, if you wanted to just do the East Coast,

I would say two weeks. Two weeks, yeah. Two weeks would be the minimum. Stand East Coast because if you go to Perth, it's five hours. Well, it's the same

with Edinburgh. Every time I try to do it, they're like, no, you have to do the whole month and I'm like, I can't. No, no, no. I wouldn't bother

going doing Adelaide, Melbourne, all that type of stuff, all the festivals. I'd go do it, they're like, no, you have to do the whole month. And I'm like, I can't. No, no, no. I wouldn't bother going doing Adelaide, Melbourne and all that type of stuff, all the festivals. I'd go do the Sydney Comedy Store, the Sit Down Comedy Club and the Laughter Lounge in Melbourne. The Comics Lounge in Melbourne. And you could go one, two, three. You could do the three cities, three weekends. Time it so that you're just there for

like 16 days more than, you know what I mean? And there's shows in between too you can do. And then there's some pub gigs in between but you could go for three weekends get yourself nine gigs sorted out you know what i mean where you get enough time to see everything but i okay so i don't give a fuck i always get told i'm not allowed to announce things right i'm not allowed to announce things but australia there will be a tour uh july august a tour of the whole country and i'm going to be doing more rurally type places that i haven't done when i say i'm going to do i'm going to do some smaller towns as well which i haven't done but

i'm going to hit all the big cities i'll be in all the big cities and i'll be doing some smaller towns so did we just announce a tour together wow, yeah. But I'm not allowed to announce it, but you've heard it here first, so watch out. Any of my dates, Jim, will be the special guest. We can't say. Yeah, yeah.

But what was my point of mentioning that? There was something else I was going to mention. I don't know. It's the end of the podcast, by the way. Ah, fuck it. I'll mention it

at the beginning then. No one ever listens to this bit at the end. Our drop-offs are meant. I guess. us up all right thanks so much mate no thank you hopefully that was fun i figured he was like your type of guy when when we were talking about i was like i think he loved mark twain i love mark twain i always i always liked him because of the quotes and stuff but i just didn't know fucking anything about him uh if you're ever at a party and someone comes up to you and goes, you know that Mark Twain used to smoke 30 cigars a day?

You go, well, I don't know about that. Walk away. Good night, Australia.