I Don't Know About That - Sharks with Paul de Gelder

Episode Date: September 8, 2020

In this episode, the team discusses sharks with the help of shark attack survivor, Paul de Gelder.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

The holidays aren't sleigh bells and mistletoe. They're also airports, shopping malls, and dining tables crowded with people, some you're glad to see only once a year. Give yourself the ultimate gift of a stress-free holiday with NextEvo Naturals fast-absorbing CBD products. NextEvo's stress CBD complex gummies and clinically proven to have four times better absorption than the standard CBD. No other CBD brand can promise that. I had some people over for the holidays,

bloody family and friends, which is normally pretty stressful, but I popped some Nextivo CBD gummies and before that, I just started to like the people. I started to like them. They go totally stress-free. Nexto smart absorb technology delivers cbd to your system in as little as 10 minutes unlike other cbd brands regular cbd oil works more slowly because of how our bodies process oil-based ingredients compared to water-soluble supplements and regular cbd only activates two to ten percent absorption so over 90 of what you're taking goes to the waste. Nothing. Smart Zorb upgrades CBD's natural absorbent power.

It's scientifically formulated to deliver more CBD fast. The only brand clinically proven to deliver 30 times better absorption in the first 30 minutes. Help fight holiday stress with NextEvo's natural stress CBD complex gummy featuring ashwagandha. Ashwagandha. Clinically proven to reduce stress by 70%. Ashwagandha.

And CBD worked together to target the source of rising stress hormones like cortisol. Next Evo is the only brand that combines a natural patented whole plant ashwagandha that's eight times more powerful than regular ashwagandha. Believe me, than regular ashwagandha, believe me, than regular ashwagandha, and they're 100% US hemp-driven, smart-sorbed CBD with four times absorption than standard CBD.

That's wild. Get smarter CBD from NextEvo Naturals and get up to 25% off subscription orders of $40 or more at nextevo.com slash podcast. Promo code IDK. That's N-E-X-T-E-V-O dot com slash podcast. Promo code IDK. lead both being and the stuff in paint breakfast cereal do you know about that i doubt it well you might learn about that and i don't know about that with jim jeffries um being laid you see yeah how do you come up with this and you always you never do the

last part quite the same way I might learn about that I don't know about that I haven't locked this formula down yeah we're only 19 episodes down or 18 episodes how is everyone did you all have a good week

Jack said don't do an intro this week he's got something for us I haven't locked it down. How is everyone? Did you all have a good week? Yeah. Jack said, don't do an intro this week. He's got something for us. What have you got for us, Jack? Well, I guess this new segment we're doing at the beginning of the show is I go through some of the comments we've received on our social media platform. Oh, well, that's not going to be painful for the soul. Let's do that. You know what?

The reason why was Jack used to have a bigger role in the the podcast like where he used to appear more and talk he used to work for nbc and for comedy central jack had a whole life before covid yeah i thought i'll go away but now you just kind of hear him go yeah that's a good one that's good you keep going jim that's good um so cheerleader he's my heart man yeah yeah he's not even good at that so no i'm not um so we thought we were i'd do whatever you guys say we thought we'd give him a better role except we're not gonna put him on camera yet he's not he's not camera ready we're moving into a new studio very soon and then he might be in we never really even have really mentioned it we just we were in a really nice studio then we were in like

not quite a nice studio but it was still cool then we're just in a dining room i kind of like the fact that we haven't addressed it at all because people are like, what the fuck is going on? Soon we're going to be in a cardboard box under an overpass. No, we actually have our own studio again. So we'll be moving into that. We have a new studio. It's going to be fantastic. Hopefully two episodes from now, I think. Not this one or the next one, but the one after that.

Maybe. Yeah, we'll see. Maybe. We'll see. And it'll get better and better. We're going to keep decorating until it's just filled with tchotchkes everywhere. It just looks like a Red Robin or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, so what's the name of your segment, Jack? Ah, shit. Comment World. Comment World. Welcome to Comment World. Have you ever been to Comment World? We're going to work on that one. Do you feel too good about yourself?

Come to Comet World. I like Comet World. Yeah, it's pretty good. A land of humbling. We have seven rides, ranging from one star to five. Ranging from You're Hideous Today to That Was Kind of Good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Enjoy the no-makeup selfie on Comet World. i know you didn't do it intentionally jack but

good job the comment world there yeah you stumbled into greatness all right what do you got for us i'm mainly pulling comments from the coca-cola episode so uh these first batch of comments are about uh how uh piss people got that you guys didn't like iron brew this person says how dare forest call iron brew disgusting the next one is are they serious yeah scottish people fuck you iron brew is godlike plus you can cure a hangover as you drink please master a better scottish accent as yours sounds fucking dreadful lots of love the savior jesus christ that guy didn't even that guy didn't even type in scottish yeah that's a good point. How dare he? Like Jack read it in perfect English. And then a guy posts on Facebook.

He says, Nice to hear Scotland and our national drink getting a mention, but sad to hear that you did not enjoy it. I have to defend it by saying they changed the recipe a few years ago due to sugar tax laws. We all hate the new recipe and cling to the old special edition bottles and get released. Maybe give one of these a try if you get the chance.

One day it's awesome. That's the scottish thing ever because the price of sugar yeah because you know that that's that that's the stereotype right of scottish people no i didn't know that they're cheap okay uh and you do notice that at the end i like scottish people but sometimes at the end of the festival your tickets would go from nine pounds to ten pounds and people are like i wanted to see you jim but you really blew it off this year i couldn't you know what i mean but it's like that's why scrooge mcduck is scottish ah okay yeah so wait so the sugar what there was some sugar tax and the people in naboo had a tariff problem and so two jedis came in i don't know and then the droids came yeah so they so they had to put less sugar in

because of the tax and now Iron Bruise isn't the same why don't they just use corn syrup? I'm anti-corn syrup but like I mean if you're having sugar problems Scotland we had to choose between fat or sugar we chose fat someone else posted it was a soda

from socialist Yugoslavia uh called cockta yugoslavia doesn't even exist anymore now it's like croatia come and drink our soda it is good it is goat head in bubble it says finest herbal extracts cockacta original cacta to make it work you need two people one person to drink and other person with straw in there to make the bubbles um and you responded to this on your instagram but there were some french canadians that have never heard the term pepsi before and or did not believe that it was real until one guy stepped in. I mean, you called.

I said, why don't you go fuck off your bunch of Pepsis? Yeah. So they didn't think that. They're like, hey, Pepsi meant what? They were like, bonjour, I am French Canadian. And I have not been called a Pepsi. Well, they wouldn't be called to their face. Isn't that something people call it?

Like you said. Yeah. Well, you think you'd know. It's not like people don't know the racial stereotype words about them. Like, what? No one's ever said it in front of me. Oh, it's very popular at parties. It's a very popular word to say when you're not in the room.

No one ever does that, right? So what you're saying, they're saying it's not real? But then some people went, I'm from Montreal. Yeah, it's real. And someone's like, oh, it must be an must be an eastern no somebody actually found on my facebook they found an actual clip like a wikipedia page and when they were called pepsis and it was a thing was more in the 80s during the cola war uh but it's it's not as common now but i was i was hanging out with someone who was calling them pepsis at the time and so it is true i saw one place it was because the term came because that's pepsi was out selling coke there at that time yeah

but then i went on this website called the racial slur database which is jack's home page oh it's so good what's the daily racial slur oh that's great after jack was on that page you had to open his laptop up like a grilled cheese sandwich. He was so excited. It has Pepsi listed for French Canadians, and it gives a reason and says it's empty from the neck up. Oh, yikes. I heard, because I've met a few French Canadians. The difference between the...

You know the French don't like the French Canadians. They're like, these effect of French people. They come and they speak the French, but they're not the best. And so you've got to understand that the accents and the phrasing is so much different between the two countries.

You think if you were a French Canadian, you'd go to France and go, oh, this is going to be my people. This will be my jam. I can travel and talk and it'll be fun. But allegedly, okay, so a French Canadian told me that when they hear when a french person

hears a french canadian talking they hear this right and when a french canadian hears he is a french person they hear these so that's the difference between the two um someone left a comment for kelly they said kelly dot dot dot dot if you're sad slash bored enough to read these comments are you sad slash bored enough to date a fan especially one who likes your humor she is sad enough but she's not bored yeah i'm i typically don't get bored i'm very sad um not sad enough though i'm sorry is there a picture with an o-u-r well wait did they send a dick pic yeah no no you don't need a dick pic but if you look at the picture of the person we like his men if if like a hot girl writes to you like would you like to

like we we would consider it but you don't consider that a guy is a fan of yours you have a fan who who just thinks you're great why don't you date the poor fellow see there's something about people actually being really into me that turns me off so no i can't do that no i i don't i haven't seen this person at all send a dick pic and i'll let you know send a dick pic and we'll let you know we'll do that next week on this segment oh i i okay next thing uh someone someone said stay circumcised jim i don't know if you can change that but i can't but i allegedly have a very short circumcision a doctor once asked me if i was circumcised he's looking at my dick have you been circumcised yes of course i've been circumcised and he went oh it's only like a

half one and i'm like oh best of both worlds how would you not stay circumcised. And he went, oh, it's only like a half one. And I went, oh, best of both worlds. How would you not stay circumcised? I don't know. Can you put it back on? Is there surgery to get the foreskin put back on? I don't know. I had a relative, not very many family, he got circumcised in his 20s, an uncle.

That's pretty bad. Okay. That wouldn't be good. No. You wouldn't enjoy that. Next comment, Jack. You got one job and you're checking your phone. Someone commented, they said, I saw in a corvette documentary that the original design of the corvette was based off the

coke bottle design so i looked into it and there was a certain styling that came about in the 60s called coke bottle styling which is when the front fender sort of bowed up and then it got flat and then it bowed up on the back fender and a bunch of people started copying it for aerodynamics to help with drag and whatnot. So it became known as Coca-Cola or Coke bottle styling. There you go. Also known as Wasp Waist or Marilyn Monroe shape. So figure eight type of thing. Yeah, hourglass.

And apparently there's a YouTube video for women's advice of how to get that Coke bottle figure, which is having your boobs the same waist size as your hips or something. It's Kardashian. It's a Kardashian. A Kardashian bottle. Someone sent a nice email to Forrest. What? It was nice?

Probably not. No, it's not nice. I only want negative comments. Normally Forrest is this you have to be in court type of email. In comment world, I only want negative comments. I would like some positive. Thank you. Okay.

Then you won't like this. It says, hi, Forrest. I'm a big fan of yours in the IDCAT podcast. Okay, good so far. When I was watching on YouTube the other day, I had a thought and I needed to share it. Oh, wait. This is an email that he sent to me that I sent to you for comment world. Oh, yeah.

Okay. When Jim wears his tinted glasses, you know, those blue ones. Yeah, yeah. He looks like a reject from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. In that spirit, could you start calling him Cunter S. Thompson when he wears the glasses? I thought it was a good joke, but it was so absurdly specific, I had no one to tell it to. Hope you're well, Jake.

I like this because in the email right after it, he realized it wasn't a good joke. He goes, I thought it was a good joke. I just typed it out. It isn't. We're done. Jake's got too much time on his hands. so thanks for the email jay but uh yeah from now on only only comments about me that are negative i don't want anything positive which won't be too hard no don't be hurtful to first uh this comment didn't make sense maybe you can

explain it i just think it's they commented wow so not funny here's a jibe why don't you get stuck into the irish a probably too scary for a kiwi someone's confused no no i'll get i'll get stuck into the irish what do you what does he think the ira is gonna come and get me here you know you're going you got four minutes you know what it is where you put your hands oh okay it's more iron brew shit. That's what it is. It doesn't make any sense. We all know that the top selling soda in Ireland is leprechaun jizz. It's a green, milky, bubbly

drink where they just go, have you tried some leprechaun jizz? That's what they do. There you go. I got stuck into the Irish. Let's have one more comment from comment world. Here's the they do. There you go. I got stuck into the Irish. All right. Fuck off, you jock cunt. Let's have one more comment from Comment World. Comment World. Okay, here's the last one. Hey, Jim, Forrest, Kelly, and Jack.

Jim was right. It's called Vicos, the Greek brand that makes a cola drink, among other things. You may have been confused by the B looking like in the Greek alphabet. Their B, a.k.a. Beta, would be pronounced Vita in English. So it's not called Bicos. It's called Vicos. Vicos, Vicos soda.

Very popular. Very popular. I'm telling you, I've never seen anything like it. They're like, oh, you try Vicos. And Vicos is tried in no way to make their bottle look nice. It's spicy. To have a nice label or anything like that. I thought it was like spicy.

It had like a spice. A bit of cinnamon maybe. Yeah, that's what I meant. Not like hot spicy. It's just, yeah, no, Bicco's, no good. No, it's all right. It's feta. Feta flavored soda.

If you gave me one right now, I'd drink it. Bicco's. Me and Amos Gill always talk about Bicco's. Bicco's, we always go, Bicco's. And then like I was trying to get for his birthday a six pack of vicos and it was gonna cost me like fucking a hundred bucks just for this joke i'll tell a quick story about about i think so so many years ago my mother my mother um wanted uh i guess i can tell this okay this is a long story are we ready for it i don't know we have a guest still too we have a guest all right we got time i'm gonna tell this story on next week's podcast

involving my mother and chocolate and my brother and a credit card and it's all gonna go down let's let's talk to our guest okay our guest today is paul de gelder say hello paul how you going hello paul um all right i already i already know from two words what he is what's that australian yeah so he's an expert in being australian no it doesn't take it's only about a one week course and you really got it all down we're gonna start with Vegemite I got some in the cupboard that's that's that's the that's me too that's the trick you do to when Americans come over to your house and they all want to try it and then they do this oh that's disgusting and they go I can see the appeal and then they don't have any more I know when I had it yeah I thought it was

hideous I never wanted it again you never tried it again. You never want it again. Jack doesn't want it again. Americans seem to think it's going to taste like Vegemite. Oh, sorry. Like Nutella. Yeah, like Nutella. Nutella. Do you remember how Nutella for years really went out on a limb saying that they were healthy?

No. You know? I don't remember that at all. Nutella used to just go where a whole nut spread made with real milk and real whatever. And then like showing kids eating it for fucking breakfast. And then the crepe industry went and fucked that up. And they started shoving Nutella into everything. I tell you what, there's a shop up the road.

I had a fucking churro filled with Nutella last week. The Happy Days Cafe in Sherman Oaks. I'll give you some business. Jeez, that was a bloody good churro. Fucking hell, that was a good churro. And I know why it's called the Happy Days, because all they sell there is churros and coffee. They have no other products, right?

And I never saw the Fonz dig into a churro or put two on his thumbs. No, you think he would? No, no, no, no. No, he always kept a nice physique. He had the fuck teenage girls. He's the Fonz. That's what he was up to.

Anyway. Okay. So Paul DeGelder is our guest today uh paul he does not know what you have come to talk to us about today so he is going to ask you some yes or no questions and try and guess what you're an expert paul are you are you on the telly often because i feel like i recognize you uh not often not often you have met i'll give you that hint we have met yeah yeah paul told me he's met you in a professional way or did we meet or did we meet or did we meet in a show or something when i say professional way are you a prostitute paul yes all right all right so that that narrows it down to four different men.

Are you a comedian? No. No. Okay. Are you a chef? I feel like you knew a lot about Vegemite, so maybe you're a chef. That's my coach. He's the Vegemite. Master chef.

The secret ingredient. What is that? The iron chef. I tell you what. On Top Chef, I saw there was a cunt who was using Vegemite all the time, man, from New Zealand. He was bringing it out, going, I put a bit of Vegemite in there.

I don't even know where the flavor's from you. Okay. Do you give lectures? Sometimes. Are you a TED talker? No. You ask this every time. How's that going to help you?

TED Talks covers such a massive amount of information this is your problem for us this is your problem you go you ask it every time so why would i fucking quit on the question because you've never gotten it right it may pay off you see what i mean if he says i don't want to i wouldn't give up on it because it may pay off eventually if he says yes i've done a ted talk that still doesn't help you ted talks are about everything. Yeah, but then I know what type of a person I'm dealing with. I always feel like all TED Talkers are all arrogant cunts. Not you, Paul.

They're all arrogant fucks. Well, I haven't done one, so I'll take it as a compliment. This is the thing. I'm going to say this out. Here we go. Henry Rollins from Rollins Band. Go fuck yourself, mate. I'll tell you what.

He used to come to the Edinburgh Comedy Festival all the time while we were all doing stand-up comedy. And he'd go, I don't do stand-up comedy. I do spoken word. You know what that is? That's shit stand-up comedy. That's all that is, right? What does that have to do with TED Talks?

Because TED Talks are people who just think they're interesting. They're not interesting. They just have have i have a topic and i'm interesting imagine a show where someone just waffled on about things they don't know about constantly anyway don't you have a friend in australia she did the ted talk the i i think i got that wrong it was a different disabled person oh okay it wasn't prue i thought it was true i have a disabled friend in Western Australia called Prue. Hello, Prue, if you're listening.

We're good, mate. And I thought she did a TED Talk, but it was a different person who's since dead. But Prue's still going, I assume. Hello, Prue. Okay. You want to ask Paul another question? No, I give up. I give up.

I will. Where did we meet? Where did we meet? Where did we meet? That might tip me off. Yeah. Okay. It's not a yes or no question. We've met twice, actually.

Yeah, you can tell them where you met. Where did you meet? Where did you meet? The first time I was. Your Hank's real dead. The first time was I was an audience member at your news show, and I was in the front row with a very good-looking girl, and you came out and spent about 30 minutes.

Ah, yes. I remember her very well. And then the second time was on stage at the fire appeal with Monty. Oh, yes. You're missing a leg, right? Yeah. Yeah, all right. Yeah, I know.

He's a wounded warriors guy. Okay, but what's he an expert in? Being wounded. How did he get wounded? Ouch. We're good at that. Oh, you got bit by a shark. Yeah.

Yeah. Sharks. Sharks. Sharks. Paul DeGelder is a shark attack survivor. He has hosted 12 documentaries on Discovery Channel Shark Week. He's a former Navy bomb disposal diver and also once rapped with Snoop Dogg. I got to get – No, he didn't even care about that part.

I got to tell you. I got to tell you. You're so lucky that a shark bit off your leg. That's a real career one, right? Because they don't have seal week, do they? They don't have seal week. That's the gift that keeps giving, the shark bite. Gets you a lot of free beer at the pub too. Oh, yeah.

And women must be like, I was talking about this the other day. You're also, from this angle, and I don was talking about this the other day, right? You're also from this angle, and I don't know, you're also bald, right? Yeah. Yeah, I am a man who have fought the baldness. I fight and fight the baldness. I've had hair transplants. I'm very open about this.

I take Propecia. I've done things that affected my erections just to keep hair on my fucking head, right? Because I present on TV and you need to have hair for some fucking head right because i i present on tv and you need to have hair for some fucking reason what was worse losing the hair or losing the leg well i shaved my head at 16 and i never grew it back oh you never grew so yeah definite it wasn't even the leg losing the hand was the worst ah there's a hand as well yeah yeah because you can replicate a leg but you can't replicate a hand as well. Yeah. Yeah, because you can replicate a leg,

but you can't replicate a hand. That does too much shit. This is my thing with the hair. Every time you see someone who's wearing a wig, people are so fucking mean to these people. They're so fucking mean. And women do it as well. And men call people...

And then if you see a person with a wig, you go, oh, you can always tell when they have a wig. It's so obvious when they have a wig. But if you lose any other part of the human body, no one else does that. No one else, when you're walking around, when someone's losing a leg. I feel like it's very unfair for women to do that because-

They wear wigs and hair extensions. I mean this in the nicest way, but everything about a woman is fake. They wear makeup. Thank you. They got fake boobs. They got fake nails. Thank you. They've got fake boobs. They've got fake nails. Personalities.

A guy tries to change one thing and, you know, he gets eaten alive. I can tell you one thing is women will take that in the nicest way. Yeah. You can tell this is a guy who's been able to say whatever he wants. Everyone goes, oh, the guy's missing a hand. Let him talk. And I'll tell you what else is wrong with the government. Paul, can you please just give us a little background on how you got to where you're at now

and why you're talking about sharks and that? Yeah. So born in Melbourne in Mornington, moved to Canberra when I was 10, escaped that place and moved to Brisbane when I was 21, became a rapper and opened for Snoop Dogg in 98 and not a lot of money in white rappers in Australia in 98. What? And so, yeah, surprisingly. There's not a lot of money for white comedians in Australia right now.

Surprisingly. There's not a lot of money for white comedians in Australia right now. And so in November 2000, I joined the army, became a paratrooper, went to East Timor in 2002 as a peacekeeper with the UN, got bored with being dirty and smelly and running around the bush. And so in 2005, I tried out for the Navy clearance diver selection and past that became a fully fledged member of the Navy Clearance Diving Branch. And in 2009, turned up to work one morning in Sydney Harbour,

riding a woolloomaloo and a nine-foot bull shark attacked me. My dad always said there were no sharks in the harbour. I've swam in the fucking harbour. No one told me that. I've swam in the fucking harbour. No one told me that. I've swam in there, dude. Oh, yeah, there's a lot of them in there. Oh, fucking hell. Yeah, they did a study.

Scientists did a study after my attack, and they went out there for about three months catching sharks, and they caught about 35 bull sharks in the harbour. About the same size as the one that attacked me. What's a bull shark? I've never heard of a bull shark Well you're going to do well Is it the size of a bull? It's a type of shark

Oh thanks, thanks Forrest Forrest comes in with his marine biology science. It's a type of shark I know about it but I don't want to give you information. You've got to tell us what you know My brother listens to this podcast and he goes my favourite bit is when forrest gets angry you can tell the whole time forrest is frustrated going why am i here what am i doing

some people hate that my brother loves that but he's met you okay so uh and so you got attacked by a shark and what happened then uh so it uh it ripped off my hand and ripped out my hamstring. And so I thought I was going to die, but I didn't, obviously. And it took me underwater. And then once it removed my hamstring and my hand, my wetsuit made me buoyant and I popped to the surface and figured, hey, I'm not dead. I better get out of here before it comes back and eats me.

And so I swam back to the boat. One hand, my leg wasn't working through a pool of my own blood. And my three teammates in the safety boat kept me alive until the paramedics arrived. Paramedics whisked me off to hospital. And I kept my leg for a week, but I couldn't move it and I couldn't feel it because it took all of my hamstring and a lot of the nerve.

And so I had my leg chopped off after the first week. And that sucked. It was a pretty shitty day at work. Did you keep any of it? No, they didn't give me the option. So I ended up dating one of the nurses about two years later. And she said she walked in that morning not expecting anything serious. And she came into my theater.

And then she looked into your eyes and went, this is serious. And my foot was just sitting on a table next to the bed. So, yeah, I didn't get to keep any of it. But I ended up just going straight. It's not called footstand. What's the bedside table? Nightstand. Fuck that joke up.

Carry on. We'd interrupt. nightstand fuck fuck that joke up carry on yeah we'd interrupt uh i ended up just uh and i've just been really scared of losing my career and used that fear to motivate me to train as hard as i possibly could and i went back into the ocean at bondi trying to surf on one leg after three months went back to work as an instructor after six months well you went to that's mental how do you surf with one leg you don't you just try not to drown and why didn't you just go back to rapping you already had that skill you already had that skill you're like oh i can't be a deep sea diver uh but um yeah i ended up doing working as an instructor at the navy dive school for three years but uh there wasn't a lot of career progression

so i decided to leave that and i started speaking uh released a book and then that turned into a bit of television and then discovery channel came knocking and asked me to be on Shark Week. And that's just turned into a whole big career. So I've been doing that. I've done about 16 shows for Discovery Channel. Worked with Will Smith, Ronda Rousey. This year I taught Mike Tyson how to dive with sharks in the Bahamas. Did he eat one of them?

Is there a shark going around without a fin and a fucking thing? I met Mike Tyson. Wasn't he supposed to fight a shark in that show or something? Yeah, well, that was the clickbait. That's what Shark Week does. We were teaching him how to knock out a shark without using his fists. See, this is the thing. Did you punch your shark in the nose when it was biting you?

Because I always got told to punch in the nose. But if you've ever tried to punch your brother in a swimming pool it's you don't get a lot of gusto into that punch you're under the water you can't really hurt anybody so i always thought poke him in the eye but i've always heard punch him in the nose which one's right there well i i tried to jab in the eyeball first but it had my hand and so i couldn't really do anything and so i try with try with my other hand but i couldn't reach the eye. I grabbed it by the nose and I tried to lever it off my body, but that just pushed the teeth of the lower jaw deeper into my leg.

And so I went to punch it in the nose. And just as I went to do that, it started shaking me. And all the pain just took all the fight out of me. Now, it's extraordinarily rare for them actually to attack. They don't want to attack us do they if you see a shark it's the same as a spider doesn't want to jump and attack you am i correct or do they actually do want to eat us wait a second you can't ask questions you can ask questions later but you got to tell us what you know about sharks for first they don't want to

eat us did you by any chance get attacked right after you said that thing about women Did you by any chance get attacked right after you said that thing about women? No. No. Okay. Just checking. No, the sharks agree on that. That was just an on the spur of the moment observation. Okay.

It was Jim's fault. He led me down that path. It always is. Don't worry. We can cut that for you if you want. No, it's fine. Well, remember your question. You can ask it later.

Oh, I don't. Here's what we're going to do, Paul. Yeah, well, I don't remember what it was either. What's he an expert in again? Meh. So, Paul, we're going to find out what Jim thinks he knows about sharks. And I'm going to prod him along with some questions. So, for the next five to ten minutes, we're going to see what he thinks he knows.

And at the end, you're going to grade him on accuracy, zero through ten, ten being the best. Kelly's going to grade him on the end you're going to grade him on accuracy zero through 10 10 being the best kelly's going to grade him on confidence i'm going to grade him on etc uh 21 through 30 total score your jaws 11 through 20 mark cuban zero through 10 baby shark okay what is it i have a seven-year-old all All right, Drem. You ready? Yes. What is a shark? A shark is a fish. It's not because I know you and your whales are mammals, dolphins. Not mammals. They are mammals. What are they?

They're not fish. Whales? They're mammals. Whales and dolphins are mammals. Yeah. And I argue. Why do you say it's me with that? Like I made that up.

Because you and your bloody degree, you carry on, you do. Because the truth is, and all the people who are sitting in their car right now are going, no, no, no, they are mammals. They're not. They're fucking fish. They swim. They would have more in common talking to a fish than talking to us. Don't say they're similar to us.

They don't talk. If you get... Ah, dolphins don't talk. Well, that's another podcast altogether, my friend. They can communicate. Yeah, sure. Okay, they're a fish. Sharks are fish.

They don't ever blow a hole. Fish, that's all you have? They're a predatory fish that eats meat and other fishes, which is also made of meat. They're a predator animal in the ocean. I would say king of the sea. King of the sea. They're the lions of the sea.

Oh, no, sea lions are the lions of the sea. I would say they're not the gorillas because gorillas are vegetarians. Ooh, laid some fact bombs down there. You didn't fucking know that, did you? They think they're so big they eat meat. Nah, vegetarians, gorillas. Anyway, they're a lion gorilla of the sea.

Lion gorilla, okay. The next question I have here is, is a shark a fish? Yes, it's a fish. Yeah? Yes. Okay. It's a cold-blooded fish.

Cold-blooded fish. Warm-blooded, cold-blooded fish. Definitely emotionally cold-blooded. I only have shark hour each year. I don't have the week. I don't get that much knowledge. Shark hour. How long do sharks live?

And for this, it can be like what, you know, different types of sharks live different lengths, but what's the longest a shark can live? The longest a shark can live is 80 years. The shortest a shark can live is a stillborn shark of one minute. Between one minute and 80 years seems like a lot of animals um this is a weird question that i didn't write where do sharks live the sharks live in in the water okay what type of water they don't live in the water. What type of water? They don't live in swimming pools, though.

They only live in the ocean. Only the ocean, not freshwater? You don't find them in rivers. No? No, there's no river sharks. There's harbor sharks. Harbor sharks. There's bay sharks.

There's no billabong sharks. What's billabong? He knows what a billabong is. Just because there's an Australian on for the first time. Don't start saying billabong. I thought it was clothing. Billabong, it's also the great Once a Jelly Swingman, Campo, billabong.

It's an Australian pond. I like how he sang a song quickly to you as if you would know it then. Oh, right, this song we sing, right. You don't know this song, Walsing Matilda? I don't even know what words you're saying right now. Is this real? It sounds like you're speaking a fucking foreign language. You've never heard Walsing Matilda I don't even know What words you're saying Right now Is this real You're speaking a fucking

Foreign language You've never heard Walsing Matilda Walsing Fucking hell They tried to change it To the Australian National Anthem

At one point Yeah yeah It's about It's about a bloke Who steals sheep And then fucking Tries to run away From the cops

Right It's as Australian As it gets Oh right I forgot Yeah that's We grew up listening to that Sounds like white privilege

To me Then get killed Okay so When did sharks First appear in the Australian as it gets. Oh, right. I forgot. Yeah, we grew up listening to that. Sounds like white privilege to me. They can get killed. Okay, so when did sharks first appear in the ocean? He commits suicide. He jumps in the billabong to run away from the cops. He's a fucking maniac. Wait, but still, what is a billabong? It's an Australian pond in the outback.

It's like a little body of water, like on a farm or something like that. Okay. Anyway, Horace had a question. When did sharks first appear in the ocean? Oh, okay. There was forms of sharks around the time of dinosaurs. When was that? I have no idea.

People always tell me, they go, people believe that Jesus came after the dinosaurs. I know Jesus was after the dinosaurs. And then I was like, I don't know if it's like a million years or if it's like 500 million years. I'm like so many millions of years off.

I know it's more than a million years ago, but it could be a billion years. Okay. How can scientists tell how old a shark is? Oh, that's very true. By the rings around its anus. It's like a tree. That's the same way I tell how old a woman is when I go down on her.

How is that? Tree rings. You're surprisingly right on that one. No, by its size. They tell by its length, Forrest. I'm being silly. This is a comedy podcast. We're also here to give you information.

They can tell by the size and how gray the shark has become. Does that mean we take out a point and then take a point off? Because you kind of got it right, then got it wrong? Oh, you'd be as harsh as you want. Half a point for that. How fast can sharks swim? Oh, faster than humans. Way faster than humans. way faster than humans way faster humans not as fast as sea lions sea lions are like demons how fast can they swim

uh and and similar to that of a dolphin um i'm going to say uh what knots you want to know in knots or do you want to know in miles or kilometers? I'll give you the measurement. Yeah, give it to me all. Give me all three. I'll tell you in inches an hour. No, no, no. Give me miles per hour, kilometers per hour, and knots.

Okay. Miles per hour. Miles per hour. It can go 80 miles an hour. That's about 135 kilometers kilometers and how many knots um 46 knots do you know what a knot is yeah i fucking i got my shoes on man actually i don't someone pointed this out in the last podcast um what do uh what do a shark's gills do i let them breathe underwater man so gills are for

breathing yeah they're for breathing underwater yeah and if they like can a shark drown um that's well it can drown if you take it it's it's fin off it doesn't swim properly and then it suffocates underneath the water. Because we did a story on shark finning in South Africa. I know a lot about shark finning. So it can drown. Yeah. How does it drown, though?

Because it can't swim and stuff, and it stops moving. And so it needs to move to be able to breathe? It needs to move to be able to breathe, yeah. Okay. All right. You hated that I knew that, didn't you? You fucking hated that. The look in your eyes

i don't know if i knew it but if i did know it what's the largest shark in the world um mark cuban six foot four that's the biggest one that's the biggest one okay what about the smallest uh a wobby gun from australia which is a little tiny uh shark uh that my cousin once my cousin once caught one, put it in a fish tank in the back of his truck, and then let it off in his swimming pool, and it died about an hour later from chlorine poisoning. So I've learned that.

Don't put it in a pool. Don't put it in a pool, yeah. What do sharks eat? You said it before. People. People's number one? No, fish. Fish is number one.

Fish is number one. They probably have a side of plankton. Some plankton side? Yeah, because their mother goes, you can't have any more fish. You haven't finished off your plankton. How much do they eat in a day? Like, let's say, I don't know. Two buckets of fish?

Let's say like a bull shark that attacked. Ah, bloody hell. Those things cost an arm and a leg. i right you can have that joke do you do that joke no no no it comes up occasionally only when it's around mates because otherwise it just sounds too stupid yeah i give it a go i'm not a half i thought i was the first person to say that to you. All right. So they would eat 32 fish a day. 32 fish. Depending on the size of the fish. You eat a fucking barramundi, that's just one fish they have to eat all day.

How many pounds, kilograms, and knots of fish are there to eat? No, they'd eat like, if you go to Ralph's, a pound of meat is about that much. I'm going to say 15 pounds of meat a day to keep the swimming up. My favorite part of this podcast is anytime Jim has to count anything. It's the sound effects and the sound effects. So how do sharks reproduce? They fuck each other. And then one of them...

How do they do that? Well, it's rape, isn't it? It's rape in the wild, isn't it? It's all rape in the wild. I'm not trying to trivialize rape or anything, but if you me-tubed sea life, fuck me, it would be harder to find a consensual fish. I know that dolphins get into raping pods,

and I know that because Forrest goes on about it when he's high. No, that's manatees. Oh, manateatees i don't know go on about it either no i always ask you about it i'm all for dolphin rape when i'm high manatees dolphins dolphins do it too you should dolphins do it too uh no they have sex and then the the i don't believe they're egg laying animals i don't believe that's what i was gonna ask you i don't i don't believe they're egg-laying animals. I don't believe they're... That's what I was going to ask you. I don't believe they're shark eggs. Oh, is there shark eggs? Now that I say it out loud. Now that I say it out loud, it sounds like a thing.

But I've never seen anyone like when you're eating caviar in a fancy restaurant. They go, and on top of the famas, we have put a shark egg. So now, yes. And then you eat into it like a big fucking period pie. Because that's what eggs are. Because that's what eggs... Eggs Because that's what eggs are. Eggs are periods, right?

If they're not fertilized, right? So when we eat chicken eggs, we're eating periods, chicken periods, right? Which I always thought the weirdest thing is, like when you kill a chicken and then you cook it up and then you eat it, the final fucking disgrace that we do to that animal is we put mayonnaise on it, which is just egg and oil. Egg and oil. That's all mayonnaise is egg yolks and oil that's all you put mayonnaise on your eggs or something on chicken like a chicken salad or something like that you cook some chicken up and the last thing we do is and we'll be rolling you in your period bon appetit anyway so uh i don't

believe there is shark eggs i believe they give birth in the sea, and that's probably why they're angry. I can tell you that this is actually a tough topic because there's so many different types of sharks and different species. Some of them lay eggs. Yeah. The platypus shark. You're almost right, too. Yeah, you still aren't completely right.

There's always that little baby egg that goes underneath the big shark and swims along baby shark that goes underneath the big shark and swims along like oh i'm tough as well that one that's a that's called a cunt shark that one that one there's just trying to fucking lift itself up from its shark bootstraps and which sharks have the biggest teeth a great white shark has the biggest teeth. Okay. Great white. And then how strong is a shark's bite in miles per hour, kilometers per hour? It's stronger than a dog's.

You can't keep doing this. What? You got to like pounds per square inch is usually what you do. What measurement do you have for how strong is a bite? Pounds per square inch is usually what they do. That's pounds per square inch. What does that mean? That doesn't measure stuff like that.

All right. Stronger than a dog. 14 pounds by seven square inches. Go back to the dogs thing. Go back. How strong? Stronger than a dog. Stronger than a dog and weaker than stronger than the dogs

is the strongest in the world it's yeah it's it's this it's strong it's not the strongest in the world the crocodile is stronger than a shark the crocodile has a real snap locked jaw less than a croc yeah it's stronger than dogs less than a croc okay can sharks smell oh yeah yeah yeah yeah they can smell all right, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, they can smell, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's how they find the blood. They smell the blood in the water and off they go.

That's why if your girlfriend's on her period, you say there's no sharks there and you let her swim. Okay. I'm going to get in trouble for this one. On average, how many bones does a shark have? How many bones does a shark have? On average, how many bones does it have? I don't know how many bones I have.

206, I think humans have. 206, yeah. Wouldn't have gotten close on that. I reckon, okay, so if we have 206, whenever you eat fish, and I've eaten plenty of shark before. I've eaten plenty because we call that flake in Australia, isn't it? We rename it not shark, and it's the fish that we eat and they i didn't realize this till recently but i've eaten plenty of shark um um and there's

lots of bones in that and the bones are so far i'm gonna say i'm gonna say 10 000 bones 10 000 bones okay a couple more questions the name of my new rock and roll album a couple more questions and paul we're gonna get back to you sorry uh how many different species of sharks so you got your hammerhead you got your great you got your bull shark that's up to four you got uh you got plank you're gonna be here a while i'm gonna say i'm gonna say they like to say more than breeds of dogs but less than breeds of people

but less than breeds of dogs. Because we've only got about like 15 breeds of people, right? I'm probably way out on that as well. Also, I don't think you should say breeds of people. That's probably not the best way to phrase it. Well, I'm a breed. I'm not meaning it like that. I'm just saying because you said I'm a breed. Okay okay so i'm gonna say uh i'll be honest with you

now okay yeah be serious now 112 112 nailed it um and then how many total sharks in the world do you think the population oh see this is i've already talked about this because i found out when we were talking about the finning and they're talking about the great white sharks and the and the girl was there and she went like this we are culling like a million sharks a year or something. I can't remember. It was like 100,000 great whites are being, having their fins taken off. And then she goes, and we're down now to only between,

like she was like between like a million and 80 million sharks. Oh, yeah, she gave a huge range. She gave a huge, they have no idea. And anyone who says they don't know how many sharks are in the ocean ballpark anywhere between five right because we know we can see five at any given time and five billion that's how many fucking sharks there are i think you're good uh how many shark attacks per year um what against fish no humans sorry humans okay because if it's against fish, loads.

When have you ever heard it called a shark attack when a shark eats a fish? If you watch the Nature Channel, if you watch the Nature Channel, then they go, and then the shark attacks. That's exactly what they call it. But they don't report it in the news, like another shark attack.

Okay, well, Australia has, Australia has, like, I know, like I was living in Perth for a bit and they would be like one to two a week with a civilian or something like that and then and then they'd send everyone out with their harpoons like the australian government and go that's all right you get to kill that one shark and then a whole lot of fucking cowboys get on their boats and then they just kill a shark they don't know if they got the right one they go we got him and then everyone it's really fucking so it's just the movie jars all the time in australia no about

once a year once a year that happens. So I'm going to say about five shark attacks in Australia a year nationwide. And then I'm going to say worldwide. I'm going to say worldwide 246 shark attacks a year. Per year. Okay. All right. There's some other stuff we'll get to.

But we're done with this for now. Paul, how did Jim do on a scale of 0 to 10, 10 being the best on his knowledge of sharks? I'm going to give him a 5. All right. It's better than I thought. Yeah, that was way better than I thought. What about confidence, Kelly?

Confidence felt low today. I'm going 3. I'm just waking up. I'm going to give you an extra point for confidence because of the hat. So four. All right. Ding, ding, four. And et cetera, you get zero.

Because I just want you to be a baby shark. So I guess I could have given you one. Doesn't matter. Baby shark. All right. Paul, let's get started here. When I asked Jim what a shark is, he said it's a fish, a predatory, eats meat, king of the sea, lions of the sea. Is it a fish is he said it's a fish a predatory eats meat king of the sea lions of the sea is it a fish yes how do you do on that well it fundamentally is right it's a fish

it's a it's a group of fish known as an a length a lasma branch um characterized by a skeleton made of cartilage it has several rows of teeth uh five to seven gill slits uh its fins are firm and rigid and instead of a swim bladder like most fish it has an oily liver which it uses to control its buoyancy all right what's a swim bladder it's what a fish uses to control its buoyancy oh so it like puffs up and puffs down so it goes higher and lower well the shark don't have that though it has an oily liver it has an oily liver yeah and what did you say it was a group of fish called a what a plasma branch plasma branch this is what i don't understand about scientists right this is the only thing is is why is everything when they name something so complicated?

And torpedo pods. There's a lot of torpedo pods. I'll tell you exactly why. Because you guys call a pond a billabong, and we call it ponds. And so around the world, you can't just call everything, because there's different names locally for different fish or animals or whatever. So they have scientific classification for it. I wouldn't call it, what did you call it again? Elasma brand.

I wouldn't call it an elasma brand it again elasmobrand i wouldn't call it elasmobrand i'd call it shark group no it okay they're in a group called the shark group yeah okay right and it's just like it's also with medicine it's like why don't you take chloroform and as opposed to positive ppam and why don't you say happy pill two you know what i mean the sequel you love happy pill one so much yeah did you like happy for one try happy pill two may commit suicide happy pill ask your doctor right like one person's happy pill is another person's sad pill no no no no excited pill like and then like like you what do you want you call like what if i say stiffy pill you know what i'm talking about you know what i'm talking about when

you're dead what's the name of the stiffy pills the blue ones no what's the other one actually they're pretty easy names yeah um i asked jim how long sharks live he said from one minute to 80 years. Well, I'll give the low end of the scale 100%. But the oldest living shark, I believe, was dated at 517 years old. Oh, shit. Really? It's an old shark. The oldest living invertebrate on the planet is the Greenland shark.

Lives in excess of 400 years. And it is blind because it has little parasites that eat its eyeball. Oh. That's a Greenland shark right there. Really? And it's blind. Why would you want to live that long? No wonder they're cranky and trying to eat everything.

You're 400 years old. You're blind. You've lived through fucking all the wars and all that type of stuff. All the wars. You were around during the Civil War. The Sharks, remember World War I? Yeah, you're swimming around Sydney Harbour going, before the white people came here, the water was lovely.

I asked where sharks live. He said in the ocean, the harbour, not in billabongs, not in rivers. Was he correct on that? Not in swimming pools either. Not in swimming pools. Half mark. They live in every ocean of the world, and there are several species, including the bull shark, that can survive in freshwater rivers.

There you go. I knew the bull shark one. I knew he was going to say that to you. That's the one that better. I don't know about that. You got bit by a bull shark. I've shown him a few rivers, my friend. Never seen a shark.

Bull sharks 1,500 miles up the Mississippi. Oh, I didn't know we had them in the Mississippi. Yeah, there are bull sharks here too. I did not know they're in the Mississippi either. What are you guys swimming in the Mississippi? What does it matter? What if I wanted to? But if I'm on one of those gambling riverboats, I'll be super careful not to fall in the water.

Wouldn't you always be super careful not to fall in the water? No, because before I was living without fear. Gambling river. That's the next season of Ozarks. People falling off. I think it's funny that your dad told you that why would he tell you there's no sharks in the sydney harbor so when i swam as a kid i wouldn't be terrified gary makes up a lot of stories but now i'm thinking about it there are several beaches in sydney harbor that have shark nets yeah yeah the only the only shark attack before mine was in

sydney harbor 60 years before me. And that's probably why, because there was no reported shark attacks for such a long time. You're like the chosen one. No one ever gets attacked by sharks in Sydney Harbour. These are city sharks. They're not like those country sharks. These are metropolitan sharks. These ain't no Mississippi River sharks.

Not a fucking one of those hillbilly Mississippi River sharks just going around spitting tobacco on gambling boats. Swimming around with a Confederate flag wrapped around it. Yeah, with a fucking Trump flag shoved in its blowhole. When did sharks first appear in the ocean? You said dinosaurs, no idea. Dinosaurs, dinosaurs, 100 million years ago ago 100 million years ago yeah i don't know when dinosaurs were i use them in my stand-up as examples of science and i have no idea

dinosaurs equal science yeah dinosaurs really old and then how to tell how old you said count the rings on its anus so how did he do on that? No, I said the length of it. That was a comedy answer. But yes. Firstly, sharks have been around longer than dinosaurs. They've been around longer than trees. They've been around for over 400 million years. What? Trees have been around for 400 million years?

And you were almost correct. you count the rings on its spine boom shakalaka that was your comedy answer give what they want comedy's the fake out i just did with you okay and you talk about on their spine like in uh their bones you're saying the the cartilage cartilage when they get a dead shark they cut it open they cut open the spine and right so you can't tell you can't you can't you can't tell how old and alive shark is you can't that's when you do the you can you can estimate depending on the breed and the size right so you know if you get a great white shark that's about four meters

it's a juvenile but you're not going to age. You're just going to put it into subcategory as a juvenile, subjuvenile, subadult, and then adult. I think I'm a subadult. Yes, definitely. How fast can they swim? Jim said 80 miles per hour, 135 kilometers, or 46 knots. The fastest ones. I talked to my friend about this. He's a scientist in new zealand

recently for shark week and he said that it's very hard to judge but they have accurately measured a mako shark which is the fastest shark in the world swimming at 45 miles an hour oh that's very slow so when you say you have a friend who's a scientist in New Zealand, how does that work? Is he like at nighttime, does he go up to a puddle and go, look, I've caught the moon? Paul, do you have that same opinion of New Zealanders? I was just a comedy bit. I know, but I'm just curious.

I love New Zealand. Everyone that goes to Australia, I say skip it and go to New Zealand. It's way prettier. Oh, shit. It's got New Zealand. Everyone that goes to Australia, I say skip it and go to New Zealand. It's way prettier. Oh, shit. It's got New Zealanders in it. Unless I like them, then I tell them to go to Australia where everything's included.

I like being in New Zealand because it feels like the movie Idiocracy where I'm the smartest person on earth and people are always like, what? And I'm like, yeah, you can have pants that go all the way down to your ankles and they're like, whoa.

I love New Zealand. I i thought that was tasmania no i had one bad gig once in new zealand i'll go back to new zealand to all the new zealand people who listen to the show welcome or do i'll do the dance for you where i stick out the tongue or something i don't know uh tasmania yeah i think tasmania you're right i would say i've been to both and i would say tasmania is a little bit tasmania is a little little bit backwards a little bit slower but i had i had a good gig in tasmania yeah we had fun in tasmania but one of the best prawn pizzas i've ever had in my life was backstage at the fucking tasmania huh jim gauges things based on bars pizzas that's how you that's how you do it i tell you my father ones my father does this my father always talks about like so so my my my mother went like this she goes you guys when did i propose

when did i propose and my mother went we were sitting in the gutter outside the vatican it was after we were at the vatican we were waiting for a bus and we were sitting there and you said why not we should get married or something along those lines that's when you proposed out the front and my dad went the vatican the vatican and then my mother went in italy the vatican like that right and then he went oh yes i remember that place it had a place over the road that had very thin pizzas he just didn't remember the proposal he just he'd just seen the sistine chapel and my father was like oh they're very lovely thin pizzas over the road uh i asked jim about gills he said they're for breathing he said they can drown if they're not moving was he correct on

that yes correct but uh they are for breathing but some sharks do not need to move forwards so the ones that do they have a what's called a ram uh ram ventilation system where they have to swim through the water to force the water over their gills the gills absorb the oxygen but some sharks such as the 20 nurse sharks and a few others they can just lay on the bottom and they suck in air through their mouths over their gills wow so they don't have to move i always thought this so the other ones that are moving are they sleeping like the wabi gong mate you know they just lay on the bottom yeah yeah oh i thought that one was dead shouldn't have finished it off so when they're swimming and they've they have to sleep right

they sleep correct yeah so what do they do when they're sleeping do they just sort of wander around or they just sleep like i know the dolphins do one eye open one eye closed they sleep half their brain and then the other half of their brain boom information really so they film great white swimming along they kind of go on automatic pilot and they keep their mouths open and their body just goes into a rhythmic pattern so as long as their mouths open and they're slowly moving forward, the water will go. Like people from Alabama.

Wow. The mask readers. This is the alienation podcast. It really is. We have no more listeners. The largest shark, he said, was Mark Cuban, and the smallest was the Wobbegon. How'd he do on that?

Wrong. I've met Mark. He's not? Wrong. I've met Mark. He's not that big. I've met him. He's pretty big. He's about 6'2". He's not a small fella. Well, one of my mates is also one from the Harlem Globetrotters,

and he's 7'2". So I guess it's depending on your comparison. Yeah, but he's not a shark. No. He is bringing up tall people now. And the smallest shark is Brad Williams. You know what I mean? You can't just...

How is Mark Cuban a shark? He's on Shark Tank. They're all sharks on Shark Tank. I've never watched it. What? You're an expert in sharks and you've never seen Shark Tank? I don't like captive sharks. I don't like them when they keep them in tanks.

They should be in the ocean. It's American Dragon's Den. I don't know what that is either. Dragon's Den is Australian shark tank. Why are you so mad at our guests for not knowing these television shows? I basically watch Brooklyn Nine-Nine in that. I give you a two on shark tank. He doesn't know anything about shark tank.

Shark tank is on the same network as Brooklyn Nine-Nine. The largest shark in the world is the whale shark. It got up to 40 feet and the smallest shark is the dwarf lantern shark and that's 20 centimeters. So Brad Williams is the smallest shark. Dwarf lantern.

I actually was in Mexico and there was a whale shark in the water with me. Have you swam with whale sharks? Yeah. I've never seen a whale shark, actually. They keep sending me to all the shark spots where the sharks can kill me. I think Discovery Channel is trying to kill me every year. Yeah.

They don't want the whale shark. The whale shark was swimming next to a forest so it could feel small. I was waiting. I don't care. He gave me a terrible look. No, you've done so many. I'm just like, okay. It gave me a terrible look. You've done so many, I'm just like, okay. It was a whale shark joke.

They're very easy jokes. That's what I'm into. I thought you were a good comedian. I'm going to have to put you down the ranking system here. I really like to try hard on the jokes. I'm putting you below Dan Cook. I'm putting you down. That would hurt more.

That would hurt more. I don't mind Dane. I don't know what he thinks about me. Okay. So the dwarf lantern shark, 20 centimeters. Very small. About the size of a pencil. Really?

Where do you find those? Deep. What I do is I hold one next to my penis and say it's a full-size shark. You do a lot of sharks. Everyone, look, this is a full-size shark, and this is a regular penis. You say this is a whale shark next time. No, no, no. I don't want to kill a woman. I say this is a wobby gun.

Okay. Sharks eat fish, and then they chase it with some plankton yeah yeah sharks eat fish uh there are some sharks that do eat a bit of greenery but uh they also eat pretty much anything so we've cut open a juvenile great white and we found beaks from squids from octopus they'll eat eels uh until they get big enough to move on to eating mammals so the great whites will obviously eat seals sea lions whale carcasses dolphins do they eat other sharks eat other sharks yeah good question good question jack jack absolutely it's only taken it's only taken 15 podcasts. Jack got one in. Jack got a question that is actually appropriate.

The tiger sharks, their jaw bite is so strong they can cut through sea turtle shells. Basically anything out there. It's funny. Jack's normally about three podcasts behind. I'm amazed he didn't ask you about Coca-Cola just then. So back to that though though just for a sec tiger sharks have been found with so many different things they've been found with a full coat of um armor in their stomach they've been found with lawnmower engines um porcupine

spines like they just eat anything they come across. Really? Like a lawnmower? Yeah. In Australia, they actually found, there was a murder. A boxer got murdered. And this guy went out and he was fishing for sharks. He caught a shark, put it into an aquarium. A day later, it coughed up a full arm. And the way they identified the body was by a tattoo it had on its arm of two people boxing.

And they linked it to a murder. It also had a boxing glove on it. And when it came out, it did that thing in Rocky when he's going to turn the game match around, the fight around. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. And also, you say they had armor. That's because they're fucking 800 years old or whatever you said earlier that's because

that's not that's not like that's not like because they were eating someone at Halloween there was just some fucking

cunt back in the day having a swim and didn't take his armor off and the shark ate him I didn't ask this but how many teeth

do Shirk have I forgot to ask that oh I know that for you folks it's an odd number which is quite weird wait you want to answer it

yeah give it a go 70 for you. It's an odd number, which is quite weird. Wait, you want to answer it? Yeah, give it a go. 70, 78 teeth. That's not an odd number though. I know, no, change me mind. Okay, 78. About 48 in the front row. So they'll have 24, 24.

Great White will have 24 and 24 in the front row. But they'll also have five rows. They'll have five rows back. And they'll go through approximately 1920 a week and they can have up to 30 000 teeth in a lifetime i wouldn't want to be their dentist have you been flossing all right you're back up above dan cook um and uh so replacing her teeth and then the the pressure of the bite you did mention tiger sharks can get through a a sea turtle shell but jim said be somewhere between a dog and a croc yeah crocodile crocodiles have better correct yeah yeah the saltwater croc has the the greatest bite force

of any animal at about a 17 000 um newtons and we my my same friends from new zealand um riley and andy from florida uh they measured a mako shark this year i believe it had a bite force of 3 000 pounds per square inch which which is about 13,000 newtons. And they said that that was the greatest bite force ever accurately measured. So that measurement works on fig newtons, I assume, and them all stacked on top. How many you could get through? Because I could get through about five newtons at once. about five newtons for example 1 000 newtons would be like having a 200 pound man standing on your chest so times that by uh three but the bull shark per per size say it was all about the

same the great white the bull shark tiger shark makos were all the same size. The bull shark has been accurately measured as having the strongest bite. That's about 6,000 newtons, but a great white that's bigger, so a great white will obviously get bigger, like 1,200 pounds. That'll have about 10,000 newtons. Now, so give me, i'm going to throw things out

there and you tell me if they could bite through it yeah all right chicken absolutely all right okay that was that was an easy one that was an easy one bowling ball size 13 definitely not they couldn't bite through a bowling ball that was my second thing i was about to say things that were harder than that what's harder than a diamond definitely bite through a human hand and leg yeah so if you wore a suit of bowling balls underwater you'd be good jim jim's only going swimming with a bowling ball and your goggles were like the hope diamonds no no just a suit of bowling balls. Remember, your face would still be,

you've got to be able to see through something. Put your head inside a bowling ball. Look through the holes. Oh, you look through the holes. You're just having the outer shell. No, a hollow bowling ball they could definitely crush. It's up to the brain. Why don't we try it out?

The largest teeth, he said, belong to a great white shark. Is that correct? Of existing shark? Yes, correct. Yeah. Nice. Give them what they want. Obviously, the Megalodon has the bigger teeth.

I like how you say obviously. Jim was going to know that. Come on. We've seen Jason state them. There is no way for us to actually tell how big a Megalodon was. We have its teeth. We don't. Well, I don't know.

God might have put them there to test you. He was a big prankster. A Megalodon. It's the Meg. The movie The Meg. Yeah, The Meg. The Meg was a real thing, the Megalodon. Absolutely.

They find those teeth all over the place. The planet's not big enough for a Megalodon we can only fit like 10 of them and then we're out of water or the ocean or the ocean starts rising up like when you get a bathtub and it goes over the edge you go I put too much in there well the blue shark, sorry the blue whale which is still living today

is still the biggest animal that's ever existed in the history of the planet what? is the biggest animal that's ever existed in the history of the planet. Wow. What? Yeah, Blue Whale. It's massive. It's the biggest animal that's ever existed in the history of the planet. Correct. Not my history.

What's the biggest one? It would be Loch Ness. Loch Ness? Loch Ness Monster? Loch Ness Monster was a dinosaur. Do you know how big a Blue Whale is? Not as big as Nessie, man. Okay. I don't know. I guess we're going to have to do an episode on Blue whales and the last one yeah uh i asked jim if they lay eggs he said no and then he goes some of them do because i because of my the way i said it though i think that's yeah well it's a half mark some of them do you find them on the beaches in australia some of them look like those

corkscrews that look like they're really painful to get out and then they've got other flat ones that they have corkscrew eggs they have corkscrew eggs yeah yeah you find them on the beach all over australia oh so those like those fossilized things with the spinny things in them no they're only like that big they're about the size of your fist and they're corkscrew shells corkscrew and they're like a dark brown green could do they do they is it because the the birthing canal has like a corkscrew thing and it screws itself out or could you screw one back in probably not i don't i doubt they'd enjoy that women never love it when you put things back up there, do they?

Oh, God. So, yes, they do lay eggs and they also have eggs inside themselves so that the young are protected and then they'll birth out of the egg inside the mother shark and then come out live. And then there's also sharks that are inside and alive and a birth

fly. How is that different from what women do? Women have eggs inside them. No, there's three different kinds. So there can be, he's saying there's a shark that can give live birth. There's one that can lay eggs and then they,

or there's one that has eggs internally. They hatch and then come out. So there's three different kinds is what he's saying. And then some of them eat the other young inside the mother. Well, some of the little sharks inside the sharks eat each other like how Elvis ate his twin before he was born

or whatever happened there. What? Is that a twin? I don't know. Elvis had a twin that never lived and I'm just spreading rumours. I feel like there's not

enough rumours around Elvis that needs to be one more for the screws to do. Wait, he had a twin? Elvis Presley had a twin brother called Jesse Aaron Presley jesse presley

right and elvis they were identical can you imagine and he died like a few minutes after birth or whatever right the other twin died a few minutes after very sad but it's a long time ago anyway so you can joke about it now anyway anyway um so the thing is, can you imagine if that twin survived, the amount of pussy that would have been crushed by the Presley twins? Elvis by himself was a good-looking man. The two of them walking down, oh, my God, they would have flooded the streets of Memphis. I like that's how you determine it, too.

Also, his mom would have been happy probably that her son didn't die. Yeah, that her son would have been crushing even more pussy. Also, he'd be happy to be alive. I asked Jim how many bones a shark does. It's sort of a trick question. He said 10,000. How do you do there?

Technically, they don't have bones because they're skeletons made of college. Oh, that's a lot of bullshit. Yeah, but even if they have bones. Why when I'm eating it do I go, I've got a bone in me fish? You'll never go, I've got cartilage in me fish. That's tomato, tomato. You know why eating, remember at home we eat flake, right?

You know why flake eating is so good? Because you don't have to pick the bones out. Yeah, there are bony fish, but a shark is not one of them. That is true. We don't have to pick the bones out yeah there are bony fish but a shark is not one of them that is true we don't pick the bones out i did enjoy that i'm gonna i'm gonna go back to eating shark no no no no i've stopped for so many okay this is come on this is the thing this is the thing oh i want to eat the endangered one but why are they more important than other fish why do we have to protect them more than other fish? Because they reproduce much slower. They live to be 500 years old.

That's one species. I should be so lucky. I get maybe 70 years on this planet with my diet. That's my top end, right? That's my top end. They get 700 years. I should be able to eat

fucking one of them. Can you imagine how angry Jim would be at 480 years i wouldn't eat the shark fin soup when i was there i couldn't eat it because it just it just looked too much like the fin and all that type of stuff and there's no flavor but andrew want to talk one of our producers he ate the whole shark fin soup i had it too jack ate it we did it we did a thing on jim's show i don't know if you remember we did a whole report on yeah i saw it the shark yeah uh it was it was quite good it was interesting oh thanks hope you learned something

straight back at you i didn't recall any of it nothing no okay i was gonna ask you about shark fitting i'm like jim will know this i don't remember the exact numbers and stuff like that but i it's it's it's it's on my YouTube channel. I can watch it. You were saying the numbers are pretty wrong. Yeah, yeah. So it's over 100 million sharks killed a year. Right. For shark fin soup, for commercial fisheries,

and for bycatch, where they're basically considered waste and they get tossed back in. And that's why we need to protect the sharks because we've effectively reduced shark populations over the last 50 years by 70 percent and many of them are vulnerable to becoming endangered now do you eat other fish i don't eat animals at all not at all not at all okay not at all you thought you were gonna get them there no no i just think it's very nice because they didn't give him the same privilege yeah and he

doesn't know i know what it's like to be eaten i wouldn't want to do that to anyone else no i i i'm a vegetarian myself no you're not okay just because you're fasting today doesn't mean you're fasting today so i'm not i'm i'm a nothing a terrian today i i out of all the endangered animals which one would you feel the most comfortable eating endangered animals i would panda panda it's been well documented my my hate my hatred for but yeah they're so cute they fucking do nothing they don't fuck each other they don't reproduce the only reason they're alive is us we work our fucking asses off to keep pandas alive and there's too much money and resource that goes into them fuck the panda yeah but they're just like big drunk babies i would think that you would love that fucking asses off to keep pandas alive. And there's too much money and resource that goes into them. Fuck the panda.

Yeah, but they're just like big drunk babies. I would think that you would love that. Yeah, I'd like them. I reckon if Jim was an animal, he'd be a panda. 100%. Sitting around on his ass eating bamboo. Come on, Jim. We got to get you to the couch. I'd be a silverback gorilla.

Forrest would be a panda. Okay. Yeah, that's all right. Nothing wrong with panda. I'd like a silverback gorilla. Boris would be a panda. After him. Okay. Yeah, that's all right. Nothing wrong with panda. I'd like to be faster, but yeah. Yeah, I know. I wouldn't be a mobile animal. I'd want to be a bird.

What animal would Jack be? I'd like to be like an osprey or something like that. Jack would be like an otter. I was about to say otter too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He'd be like an otter. I think Jack is an otter. Yeah.

In the gay world. Yeah, yeah. I'm pretty sure in the gay world he's an otter. I feel like you would float on your back in the water carrying a twig um i asked how many species of sharks are jim said 112 yeah there are over 500 species of shark right but under that still doesn't work i've learned in this comedy game if you keep talking quick enough you'll bamboozle people you just did it to me i go yeah

um okay so you mentioned uh that the over uh fishing of them the shark finning the bycatch stuff like that so that we're losing 70 a year so jim said that asked him how many there he said five for sure that we know of up to five billion sharks in the world yep like he also said that there's no accurate count there really isn isn't. The estimate for strictly great whites alone in Australia is so broad from the scientific community, something like between 1,000 and 3,500. So as far as sharks in the world, no one really knows. No one knows. I told you that.

Okay. The scientists use calculations, like how many years it takes for them to reproduce, how many they have per litter, how many in each specific area. They do this thing called BRUBS where they're dropping remote cameras to the bottom and they leave them filming. And so then they count the species that are there, they count the numbers. And so they do way more complicated mathematical equations than I'm capable of. But they still don't know how many there are in the world

because there's over 500 species and they're in every ocean of the planet. Apart from the Megalodonidon. What? Apart from the what? The Megalodondondon. Oh. The Meg.

I call it the Meg. The Don. Apart from the Megalodon Dondon. Oh. The Meg. The Meg. I call it the Meg. The Dondon. Apart from the Megalodon, out of the 500 species, how many have gone extinct, if any? Well, that's 500 that exist now. Right. So how many have we lost?

Oh, I don't know if we've... I couldn't tell you. Yeah, we don't know that either because there could be a lot. There's a lot on the endangered list. Yeah, there could be a lot. How many on the endangered list? Have we lost any in the last decade? Have we gone for any of them in the last decade probably some

that i don't know about we're close to a lot of them i think though yeah we're getting closer to them but yeah there's a lot of endangered even you know noah even recommends noah's like the um the and the i don't know if it's the the north american Oceanographic Organization. And they tell what sharks and fish are good to eat and things like that. And even they have listed on their website as Thresher shark and Mako shark as smart seafood choices.

And both of those sharks are endangered. Oh, wow. So here's something that we can count. How many shark attacks per year? Jim said five in Australia, 246 a year worldwide. There is approximately seven deaths per year around the world. As far as shark attacks, I'd have to look that up. I don't actually know.

Yeah, but seven deaths a year in the world. Something like 64 unprovoked attacks a year. Yeah. And they don't call them attacks. They call them interactions. Because most of the time they're not attacking. Sharks are very curious. Once you spend a lot of time in the water with them,

you discover that they really just want to know what's going on. And because they don't have hands to come up and go, hey, what's this? They use their teeth. And so people aren't getting eaten. They're just getting a bite because the sharks want to come up and find if they're food except for in my case which it actually did eat the the shark that attacked you um is it still alive i don't know i'd have to go

back for a swim and ask around right but you guys didn't kill it you guys didn't kill it afterwards or anything like that no there was a bit of an uproar amongst the fishing community and there were fishing boats out in the harbour trying to kill sharks for a little while after that. What I said, that's true in Australia. Cowboys get out in their boats after a great white, because the great whites are endangered and then they kill someone or there's

an attack or something. I remember there was one in Cottesloe Beach, I'm going to say 20 years ago or 15 years ago when I was living there. And everyone was just out there with their harpoons just having a go. It's like vigilante. They still do that too. Even in Queensland on the Great Barrier Reef.

And you would think, you know, the Great Barrier Reef Marine Park heritage site. You can see it from space. The government kills them. So they set out drum lines and fishing nets to specifically kill sharks yeah but that's queenslanders mate that's like that's like that's just how they are like you go you wouldn't believe that even in queensland oh really but that's a problem too it's like so seven deaths on average a year in the world and when one person even you didn't even die when when a person gets attacked that's the reaction is, we got to go kill all the...

And it's like, it's so rare. It's front page news. Yeah, but it's like, you know, mountains kill people every year. We're not blowing up mountains and stuff. It's like our reaction is... I was about to go, how do mountains kill people? And then I remembered avalanches.

You could fall off of a mountain, yeah. That's not the mountains' fault. No, I'm saying people die on mountains every year. We don't blow up mountains. I'm saying... Roots kill people all the time. Yeah, well, that's true, though. But we overreact to these things,

like a shark attacking or killing someone. That's like, you know, well, we've got to kill them all now. One person. They said they had an estimate that vending machines killed more people than sharks. Yeah, I've always heard these vending machines. Coconuts is another one. Yeah, coconuts. than sharks. Yeah, I've always heard these vending machines. Coconuts is another one.

Yeah, coconuts. Cows. Cows. People tipping cows and it's gone all over. Something like 270 people died from drowning in America last year. And yet everyone, as soon as there's a shark, it's front page news and everyone wants to kill sharks. Yeah.

That's the sad thing. It's all about perception. And trust me, it sucks getting eaten. It really, really hurts. And I think it's kind of ingrained in the human psyche That's the sad thing. It's all about perception. And trust me, it sucks getting eaten. It really, really hurts. And I think it's kind of ingrained in the human psyche to be terrified of getting eaten alive and the unknown. But when you look at the numbers and the reality, you have more chance of dying in a car accident

on the way to the beach than getting eaten by a shark. Do you like the movie Jaws? Or do you think it gives sharks a bad name? I think it's awesome. I think people's awesome. I think people that can't separate reality from fiction have issues. Okay. Fair enough.

So I better stop watching porn. But that's the power of our imagination. How long did it take for you to get back in the water? That's from Jaws. That was the tagline, right? Three months. Three months to get back in the water. Holy shit, I haven't been in the water for three months and I haven't been attacked.

I'm just lazy. It was just a matter of getting my stitches and staples out and then I was back down Bondi. And you were like surfing and all that sort of stuff. Did you find it hard to swim afterwards? I know that sounds like such a silly question. Like you weren't going in circles or anything, were you? Well, that's, you know,

it was the first time I went back in the water and it was you know so so highly publicized the paparazzi were there taking photos of me and i put my board down in the water after i'd hopped down the beach and i whispered to myself please don't paddle around in a circle was your attack uh pre or post bethany ham That was after Bethany. It was Bethany. So she lost her arm in a shark accident, and she's like a huge surfer, and so she went out. Oh, she's got that movie, the girl with the one arm. Yeah, she's awesome.

She was like winning surf competitions six months later. Now, I know you've been asked this question. I can't let it go by, and you know what I'm about to ask was it your wanking hand yeah yeah it was my every it was my everything hand oh wow and so you went to your left hand to masturbate how did that go the first time yeah kind of like brushing your teeth with your left hand give it a go like you can you can get it done the job gets done but it's, yeah. I've tried doing it. My fucking dick, there's no rhythm or motion to it. My dick's going, oh, what are we doing?

Oh, God. Stop it, please. I'll wait. The thing is, I'll come. Just leave me alone. I'll tell you what. I'm right-handed, but I jerk off left-handed. Wow.

What? Fucking psyched. What? Ambidictress. We have a friend who masturbates on his stomach that's too fucking weird what

he lays on his stomach and just jiggles up and down yeah yeah too weird he told me that once I never looked at him the same way I'm not telling you who

I'm not telling you who there's only so many people we know yeah but it could be anyone I know who it is. No, you don't. I could guess.

As far as getting... One other thing I want to ask you, and then we're going to get to our dinner party fact. Best ways to avoid attacks if you find yourself in a water with a shark? And also... Yeah, let's answer that first. Stay on land.

That's the best way to avoid it. There's a lot of ways to handle this. One is, you know, there's no excuse for ignorance these days. Just get on the Google net and do a little Google about the area. You're going to go swimming, find out if it's a shark area, find out if there's been any,

any interactions. If there has maybe don't go swimming or just be careful. If you're in the water with a shark, you don't want to take your eyes off it. We've done tests for Shark Week where we turn our backs on the tiger sharks and they'll creep up on you from behind. But as soon as we communicate to the person

and they turn around, the shark kind of gets embarrassed and it's like it's been busted shoplifting. So the shark goes, no, I wasn't going to do anything. Oh, nothing. I'm just having a bit of a swim then you turn around i'm gonna eat that cut oh what was i up to exactly exactly and they say punch it in the nose but you don't want to do that unless it's biting you because you don't

want to meet an animal with aggression like if you go up to a dog that is like a big scary dog that's barking at you you don't run over and punch it in the head because it'll bite your hand off so you don't meet a wild animal with aggression all you do is show that you're a bigger bad a predator you put your hand on its nose above its head or on the side where its eye is and you just forcefully push it away and that'll show it that you're a predator as well because they don't want to fight for their food that's why their eyes roll back in their head because they want to protect them they're mostly opportunistic hunters they don't want to try and kill something that's going to kill them back now when you say nose i always

thought it's funny that we say um punch them in the nose now and now i've learned that i'm meant to push it away in its nose it's not really its nose is it it's its whole head is a nose yeah well it has holes on the side yeah but well, it has nose holes on the side. Yeah, but I have ear holes on my side. I don't call my whole head an ear. Does that make sense? You know what I mean? Like, its whole face is a nose.

It's got eyes, and then it's just like, that's its face, man. All right, well, just put your hand on the front of its face. All right. Or on the top, or like behind the jaw on the bottom. Oh, yeah, that is the jaw. Yeah, you want to stay away from the sharp bits. Way to be difficult, Jim. Hey, you've got tattoos, right? On your leg where it's being removed, right?

Have you ever thought of putting like half a tattoo that looks like it's going to get a bit racy? You know what I mean? Not really. Like it's a picture of a woman and you know she's going to be naked bit racy you know what i mean really like it's a picture of a woman and you know she's going to be naked you see the top of the breast and then the legs being cut off and people like ah that would have been a good look no no one would see it that's the point that's the whole idea is that people are going oh you can only imagine what her body would have looked like

a bit of mystery i could just put just tattoo a dot on the end of it yeah so it looks like a big doodle yeah exactly um and and then real quick so you you got attacked by a bull shark i don't know if this is correct or not but are bull sharks the number one sharks that attack or they're up on the top right because they yeah they're classed as the number one most dangerous shark there's the top three which is the great white the tiger and the bull shark uh the bull shark scientists say has more testosterone than an adult bull elephant and they are to be avoided at all costs they're always always carrying on about how big and tough they are yeah well they are turns out they are the name is shortened from the bull shitter shark okay uh so paul this is the time of the podcast where we ask you to give us a dinner

party fact where you give us a fact that's obscure or interesting that our audience can use to impress people on this topic so what about sharks can you tell people at home that you think they might not know uh an interesting and funny fact about sharks is that they are overachievers and the male sharks have two dicks two decks and that is different from a human how so when you say two dicks are they next to each other so are they like double penetration type of thing yeah no so they they utilize one or the other depending on what side of the shark so the shark will bite onto the side of the female around the gill area to hold on because obviously it can't grab it and hold it and they're slippery little suckers and so it'll bite on the side of it then depending on what side of the body

the female and the vagina is on it will use that side of the clasp i.e penis right and do both of the dicks come at the same time do they like so you come inside her and the other bit shot on her face no it's always been my dream i think they channel it into the uh the penis that is actually inside the female so they don't waste the sperm that's pretty good is one dick stay hard and one dick stays flaccid or they both erect at the same time this is all i want to direct at the same they're both pretty erect at the same time all the time damn because they just lay flat on the body on the outside and it's truly the only way to tell a female from a male is to see underneath them and see the two claspers so you can never argue if you have a small dick i'm a grower not a shower you just go yeah that's me

dick let's just swim around why don't we have pants in the wild all right paul paul de gelder thank you for being with us thank you paul if you want to find out more about paul you can go to paul de gelder.com p-a-u-l-d-e-g-e-l-d-e-r uh anything else you'd like to say before you leave paul you got anything to plug me yeah've got a new book coming out in a couple of months called uncaged i was having a lot of problems getting the old book into america so i worked with uh one of my good friends who's a new york times best-selling james patterson ghost writer um and he helped me rewrite it and then add the last eight years so all the stories about filming with shark week catching crocodiles uh nearly dying every year parachuting into the ocean that sort of stuff so

that'll be out in the next couple of months fantastic well thanks for being on the podcast mate really appreciate it yeah thank you mate nice to see you again you too i'll see you next time at a charity gig hey did it ever work out with that bird in the front row oh we're still friends ah she was all right huh you should have uh should have locked that down oh well that's right plenty more sharks in the sea all right jim take us up all right ladies and gentlemen if you ever had a party someone comes up to you and they're talking bullshit and you want to win the argument you just say well i don't know about that and then you walk away good night new zealand god bless you everybody jason alice here from the jason alice show podcast reminding you that my podcast new episodes every Wednesday, downloadable, where all podcasts are available.

Come see my friends, Michael and Kevin, as we talk to you about what's awesome, what sucks, fitness, fighting, parenting, life, spin kicks, LGBTQ community, how to defend yourself against a shark if it attacks you out of nowhere, and much, much more. So come join us.