I Don't Know About That - The Royal Family

Episode Date: February 8, 2022

In this episode, the team discusses the Royal Family with British historian, writer, and former professor of history at the University of Exeter, Jeremy Black. Go to JimJefferies.com to buy tickets to Jim's upcoming tour, The Moist Tour.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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and I don't know about that with me Jim Jeffries wait super plates yeah because it's a super bowl and a super plate I got it I think it's this weekend it's a Super Bowl and then a Super Plate. No, I got it. When is the Super Bowl? I think this comes out after the Super Bowl. I think it's this weekend. No, I think it's this weekend.

It's the 13th. Oh, okay. It's the 13th. Yeah, this is the week of the Super Bowl. So right now, my prediction is it's the LA Rams playing the Kansas City Chiefs. Must be exciting for all the football. That's your prediction? That's my prediction, yeah. Is that a good prediction?

I mean, it's's my prediction, yeah. Is that a good prediction? I mean, it's possible. Yeah, yeah. So good work, all the people who made it to the Super Bowl. How's everyone doing? We have today, we have a friend, Jim, who has brought us lobster rolls from Cousin Maine Lobster. Jim Salikas. Yeah.

You might know Jim from his lobster trucks and his lobster roll. He was on Shark Tank back in the day. How are you and Barb's going? Does Babs still call you on the regular? Yeah, she calls me every night. You go, you boys, you got to get some more things. Did she do that? Yeah, we're still real close with her.

Are you still partners with her? Yeah. Oh, wow. I know, she's awesome, yeah. But you brought us in a whole lot of lobster. I did. And this is how good a person I am because lobster rolls, in case you haven't heard, is my favorite meal,

and especially when I'm high. But even when I'm not high, I buy the kits and I just fucking go hell for leather. And then do you find this after you eat, like, two, three pounds of lobster in a day that your shits are, like, a slight pink color? First of all, two to three pounds a day is a lot. I've done two pounds of lobster in a day, man.

No fucking no problem. When I leave here, I'm going to eat two or three pounds and I'm going to report back on the shits. No, it's not like the shits are, they're a nice firm shit. There's a lot of protein, but they have it a pink. Are you trying to sell his company for people to go there? You're like, hey, it's great stuff. Who else is going to eat two pounds of it?

I'm going to tell you the pink shit challenge. You're going to go there, you're going to eat two pounds in a 24-hour period. I'm telling you, it's got a lovely hue to it. No, but I'm not kidding because we've talked about your lobster rolls on the podcast before and i no advertising no money given to me couple of rolls here and there right but i i'm a big fan and forrest is my favorite meal right uh yeah yeah there was there was recently someone i when this new touring group remember and she called me or

texted me she goes what does does Jim like to eat? I'm like, if you can get him lobster rolls. She goes, we're like, trust me. It doesn't matter what's going on in the day. If he's having a bad day, it'll immediately be changed if there's a lobster on the screen. That's right. I'd flown into fucking Fort Myers or some shit.

Here we go, Fort Myers. How about just, I don't know, put a hotel up. You know what I mean? You want to have tourism? Yeah, it was Fort Myers. How about you start a new? Put a hotel up. You know what I mean? You want to have tourism? Put some... Put somewhere for people to stay. The hotel. You're having problems with the hotel. That's what it was. And then the... We put you in America

Best stays for like two hours until we could... When you told me the name of that, America's Best, I was like, wow. That was like... That reminded me of my early comedy days. I'm like, that is a class A. It was a hotel where the check-in was a screen of an Indian guy's head. Now, he might have been just up the road, but I think he was in India. And it was just like a screen.

Television screen. Yeah, television screen. I have not heard this. Yeah, you rock up. There's a machine. There's a machine. There's a machine for checkout. There's no, you could bloody walk. You just flown in on a red eye too, right?

Flown in on a red eye. I had to pick up the rental car because his openers weren't there yet. Yeah, yeah. So I pick up a rental car and then I went to the hotel and they went, oh, I paid for the night before. And they went, we don't have a room. We gave your room away. We gave your room away.

And I go, but I paid for it and I said I was coming in. They go, yeah, I'm sorry. And I go, are you fucking? I I said I was coming in and they go yeah I'm sorry and I go are you fucking I started swearing are you fucking kidding and they're like you're not allowed in this hotel blah blah blah blah blah blah and I said I'll be fucking back and you can get fucked it was like I hadn't slept for hours

I don't give a fuck they gave my fucking room anyway I started tweeting about how the hotel sucks balls and then all of a sudden my room was free in an hour. That was a different hotel though. Then you went to this other one. No, no, no. Then they sent me to this one.

I tried to find you the only available hotel. The first hotel was a shit hole. And then the second hotel didn't even have a hole. It was just a shit. It was just a shit. Unburied shit. It was an unburied shit on concrete. So it would never go back to the

earth it was just sitting there steaming the name of that hotel and it's a chain i said america's best value and you already know like this is the best value for that thing you only have 75 bucks there's 35 for the night yeah it's good how do they afford to do that does it it costs more than that to wash sheets people like i mustn't have had a fresh towel. Yeah, they're not good. I've seen many. So for $35, I go in and there's a screen. Indian bloke comes up on the screen and he's like,

do you want to stay here? And I was like, yep. And then he just looked at me like, are you sure? Are you running from something? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like, all right, well, once you finish your drug deal in an hour, just leave your keys. Once you hand over the bag of money.

The only place you would do this is if you're hiding from the cops or you had a drug deal. No one's stayed in this hotel for more than two hours ever. Anyway, so then there's a machine at the bottom that squirts out the tickets. What? What tickets? Your fucking little card. Oh, the room keys. The room keys. Like the plastic cards, it squirts out the tickets. What? What tickets? You fucking, your little card. Oh, the room keys.

The room keys. They're like the plastic cards that squirts them out. Are you like... I like how he got mad at you for not knowing what type of tickets you would get.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. How did we get onto this? Because you were having such a bad day. And a tour manager, she texted me cause it was, it was very new with this new tour group. And she goes, Hey, I want to,

I know Jim's having a bad day. Like what could I put in his green room or, or something that'll make him feel better. And I go lobster rolls. And I remember she was like lobster rolls. I'm like, trust me. If you just put lobster rolls in there,

just find wherever the best lobster roll in four minutes florida so you found some probably decent quality and then i think she put them in there right well i well then i went back to the hotel after i started bitching on i very rarely play this card but i played my social media card this fucking hotel sucks dicks and then and then all of a sudden the guy wrote to me and explained the thing they found the number they know that i booked the night room. They just gave my room away when they shouldn't. They'd all been contacted. Just gave the room away. And so as with everything, you can get me a fucking room.

They always do this. Oh, the rooms will be ready at three. All of them? All of them are ready at three. You put the mint on the pillow on every single fucking hotel room, exactly the same way. Of course one's finished, and another one's finished. It's a power play.

Anyway, so the guy goes, go back there. We're so sorry, Mr. Jeffries. One of the people there will be standing waiting in the foyer with the ticket. And the woman who told me I was banned from the hotel for swearing had to stand there just holding the ticket like, fuck it, Ellie. Well, it was her. Yeah, here we go. So I walked back in and i went i went thank you

for that and and i said uh i said so i was booked in correct because she says i wasn't booked in at all right and she goes just go to your room sir and i went like this i went you can't fucking kick me out now and they didn't i marched past security everything up to my fucking room didn't order any room service I assume it would have been shit in so you didn't get lobster rolls out there

no no no I got lobster rolls at the actual the actual thing do you guys have location in Florida we do we're in Neptune Beach

Miami and opening on the west side but they have but do you use Maine lobsters in Florida or do you use Maine lobsters in Florida or do you use Florida lobsters?

No, it's all from our place in Maine. So, they've got the different lobsters. They've got the real lobster shipped in every day. No, no, no, no. But in Florida, there's a spiny lobster. I'm telling you,

if they open more restaurants, the oceans is empty. No, but I grew up in Miami and we used to go lobstering, but it's a spiny lobster. They don't have claws. They just, you just eat the tail

and you can kind of eat that. But yeah. No, we do. We do the same. It's not as good. The Maine a spidey lobster. They don't have claws. You just eat the tail and you can kind of eat that. But yeah. No, we do the same. It's not as good. The Maine lobster is better. I think too, but it's maybe a bias. I always go on about Australian food. Australian prawns, I believe, are the best in the world.

And then, oh, God, Australian oysters, Australian fish, blah, blah, blah, salmon. Always going. But I'll tell you what, Australian, we call it crayfish there. It doesn't have the things, but it's still the same sort of species with the tail. Rock, bay rock. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Morton Bay bugs. Yeah, they were good. The bugs are fantastic. You Google a Morton Bay bug. It's like a bug like this. It's from the lobster family, I assume. Okay, okay. Fantastic.

But I will say this, the Australian crayfish is nowhere near as good as Maine lobster. That's your number one. That's American food where they're shitting on the Australian. All right. Well, I think we're going to read some ads now. Yeah, let's do some ads. I'd rather talk about lobster.

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Green Chef, the number one meal kit for eating well. Please welcome our guest today, Professor Jeremy Black. And now it's time to play... Yes, no. Yes, no. Yes, no. Yes, no. Judging no. Yes, no. Yes, no. Judging a book by its cover.

Well, I've already been told that Jeremy here is a professor, and when he logged on, I heard him say hello. Jeremy, I assume you're from the south of England? I am indeed. I was born in London. London, yep. I can see. You wouldn't know a northern to a southern accent, would you?

Look, I know enough to know that he's from south London, probably. No, no, no. He's not from south London, I think. I've got what's known as estuarine twang, which is a kind of lower class London accent. It's called estuarine, the estuary of the Thames, twang because it sounds like a bit twangy. That's crazy

because that sounds so high class to me. The idea that that would be considered low class anywhere. Even like John Oliver's accent isn't super posh and everyone thinks he's a professor. Well, you are a professor, Jeremy. Yeah, but North England it's all like...

You can tell people from North England. Yeah, they sound like Liam Gallagher or something like that. Yeah, he doesn't sound like Liam Gallagher. Okay, so you're a London professor. Are we talking about what you're a professor in? Is that the subject? I'm a history professor. History, okay, don't tell me too much

history history okay is it the history is it something in pop culture no though I have

written books about James Bond and Agatha Christie but it's not the history oh I hear they used to fuck like rabbits those two

Professor Jeremy Black has written over 180 books 180 books 180 books? God, I've probably only read about 90 of them Okay, so Are we talking about a war? Nope

This is something that I think you're going to know a lot about Because I've heard you talk about it before Okay, give me a hint Something your mom was a huge fan of. The monarchy, the kings, the queens, the royal family. Too good of a clue. Yes. The one thing your mother loved, it's never Jim.

I was talking about this just this morning with someone who was over at the house. When I was a child, my mother loved the monarchy so much. Still, right to the day she died, loved the monarchy. And I used to have to go out and stand on the side of the road on a school day holding flowers when the queen was going to walk by in the off chance that I would be one of the ones to hand her the flowers. I got very close with Diana once and handed some flowers that got handed over, you know, but I was already like in my early teens then,

you know, like my mother would make me do this. we're not we're not i'm not a monarchist i'm sorry jeremy let me introduce him properly first okay we're gonna be talking about the royal family and professor jeremy black is a british historian writer and former professor of history at the university of exeter he is a senior fellow at the center for the Study of America and the West at the Foreign Policy Research Institute in Philadelphia. Professor Jeremy Black is the author of over 180 books, as I said, principally, but not exclusively on 18th century British politics and international relations, and has been described as, quote, the most prolific historical scholar of our age. And then, you know, we're specifically talking about the royal family today. So I'm assuming you have a lot of knowledge in that.

We booked you for that, right? I'm going to do my best. It is the royal family of England we're talking about. It's not like the Danish one or anything like that. You are right. Okay, good. Okay, so I'll tell this story very quickly. So I moved over to England, and this is going to basically tell you,

in the early 2000s, 2001, and after that my mother, who was a huge monarchist, I neither here nor there about the royal family. I'm not anti as such. I just don't understand. And so I was day drinking. I'd been in England for about three weeks and I was day drinking in a pub and the Queen Mother had died and my mother rings me up and I'm drunk.

It's two in the afternoon or something. And my mother goes, you must go out to see the procession. The Queen Mother's carriage is going through London right now. This is an opportunity of a lifetime that you'll never get again. And I'm outside with my drink and I'm holding me beer and I go mum, I don't give a shit. What are you bothering me like this for? Oh, fucking hell mum. No, no. And then I went,

oh, there she is. The carriage rolled by. She's passing the bar. I was like, alright, I saw that. I went back to drinking. It was the opportunity of a lifetime, wasn't it? I'm pretty sure you told that story on the Patreon podcast. Which you can listen to.

Not many people are listening to that yet. So subscribe and you'll get it two weeks earlier. Old story, I say. But still a good story. So do you think you know a lot about this? I think I know a fair bit about the modern royal family. I don't believe if you start asking me about Henry IV and all that type of stuff, I'll have a few more problems.

It's just, normally we ask you all the questions and our guest sits there and listens and then we come back and go over all the questions. I just, sometimes when you know a lot about something, it's not as funny. So I was thinking about going question by question, but you think I should just give you all the questions at once? I think I could go question by question.

I think sort of from World War II onwards, I think I know a bit. Well, this is what we're going to do. Professor Black. I'm going to ask Jim. Usually we ask all the questions. Then we come back to you. I'm going to ask him one at a time.

And that way we can just kind of do it that way. I'll see what his answer is, and then you can correct him or tell him he's great. That's not the only two options there,eremy you can just you can just say i'm good you can't hit me from there can you you have to say i'm great i'll tell you one more story jeremy we did a thing on the jim jeffrey show we went out and talked about the monarchy and we talked a whole lot of people and there was this bloke remember this yeah i don't remember his name right now yeah there was a bloke who something esquire yeah who was like, who was like, I very much like the-

I was talking to those royal correspondent people, right? And we were talking about the wedding of Meghan Markle and Prince Harry. And so we were talking and there was this one bloke, he goes, well, I much rather- And he was talking about that. Anyway, it turned out his name was like Tony Angelopi from New Jersey and he was a fraud

and he'd broken into this community. Remember that? His name is? Oh, yeah, there's been a cat. Yep, yep. Yeah, I interviewed that guy. I got it. Thomas James Mace Archer Mills.

Yeah, but what's his real name? Born Thomas Muscatello. Thomas Muscatello. His name's Tommy Muscatello. And he's American, but he puts on a fake accent. Wow. Yeah, he's born in New York. What borough?

I think Glen Falls, New York, in central New York. But he put on this, we had him on and thought he was British. Oh, yeah, I was eating cucumber sandwiches with him. And he was there telling me, and he goes, and then I was eating and he was like, do you really have to eat so fast? Do you want a napkin? Do you want a napkin? Like this. And I was like, calm down. I was eating and he was like, do you really have to eat so fast? Do you want a napkin? Do you want a napkin?

Like this. And I was like, calm down. I was being all rough Australian. Calm down, Tony. It'll be all right. And it turns out he's a bloody Guido from New York. Am I allowed to say that word? Does that get me in trouble?

I've said a lot about the honor. Jersey Shore says it affectionately. Imagine if that's what gets you cancelled. He said, Guido, you're done. All right. I think we should do it the normal way. I don't know that he's going to know all these. Okay, we're going to do it the normal way. So, Jeremy, we're going to ask all the questions of him

first, and I will take notes, and then we'll come back to you. Okay, but you're going to grade him on his answers. Zero through ten. Ten's the best. Just give him a zero's the worst, ten's the best. You can give him a cumulative score. Kelly's going to grade him zero through ten on confidence. I'm going to grade them a zero's the worst, 10's the best. You can give them a Q and O score. Kelly's going to grade them zero through 10 on confidence.

I'm going to grade them on et cetera and we'll add those together and if 21 through 30, royal family, that's the best. 11 through 20, royal friend and zero through 10,

royal acquaintance. I didn't spend a lot of time on this but that's not bad. Yeah, he laughed. I like him too. Jim. I want the worst one to be King Ralph. Nope.

I love that movie. That's not your show. Could that happen? Could King Ralph happen in reality? Tell me one to be King Ralph. No. I love that movie. That's not your show. Could that happen? Could King Ralph happen in reality? Tell me you've seen King Ralph. He said no. There was no King Ralph. No, but do you remember the movie with John Goodman?

What happened was, if you haven't seen it, I'll give the synopsis to Jeremy very, very quickly. You talk about King Ralph on every podcast. It's fantastic. They all get photographed at once. They're in a puddle. They all get electrocuted and there's only one king left and he's like a blues singer and his name's Ralph.

Get it on video. You'll love it. All right. Let's edit that out. All right. So, Jim, how did the monarchy originate and when? I don't know. I don't know.

I think it's one of those things. Sounds like an acquaintance to me. There would have been someone defeated someone in some battle, and then there was a lady of the lake and a sword and a stone. Great. What is the British national anthem? God Save the Queen. Okay.

And it changes with the monarchy. It was like God Save the King, and it'll go back and forth. What does the abbreviation HM stand for? Her Royal Majesty. HM, okay. Her Majesty. What are the Queen's duties? Well, her duties aren't official duties as such anymore.

They used to be a different thing, but it's to reign over, and then she'll do things like she'll open parliament. She has to speak to the prime minister when they get voted in. She comes to Australia and she waves a bit. You know, that's what it is. What is the Commonwealth? The Commonwealth is a collection of countries that are all linked to Great Britain.

They're normally countries that were, they say, conquered by, so Australia, Canada, United Kingdom, obviously, the north of Ireland. But then there's other places that are a bit more like where you go, oh, what's all that about? Anything with a Union Jack in the corner was part of it. What is the role of the royal family? Well, it's mostly charity work these days and public appearances. Okay. Could the

royal family always marry commoners? No, no. The queen and Prince Philip are cousins. I think they're quite distant cousins. You do know a lot about this. And he's from Greece. There's a lot of inbreeding going on in the royal family. Why does the queen have two birthdays? And Prince Andrew can't even marry an adult anymore. Got him. Why does the queen have two birthdays?

One of them is a public holiday and one of them's her actual birthday. But I think it's because that public holiday will always remain on the same day so that we're not moving. Because imagine if the Queen's birthday is Christmas. We don't want to miss out on a bloody holiday. So they have the official day and then they have another day. Okay. When did Queen Elizabeth II become Queen and how old was she at the time of her coronation? She was very young.

Jeez, I wish I watched the Royals or the Crown or whatever. But she was very young. She was in her 20s. I believe it was the early, the mid-1950s. Because she was a mechanic in the Second World War and she wasn't the queen at that stage. early, the mid 1950s was because she, she, she was a mechanic in the second world war and she wasn't the queen at that stage. And so it was around the 1950s. I know that she gave the Beatles, you know,

honorary things and stuff like that. So that was in the sixties. So it would have been a decade before that. It'd be the 1950s. Okay. What political party does the Royal family favor? They're not meant to favor either political party, but if they had their way, it would be the Tories. Is that a trick question? Yeah. Crushing that.

I told you we should have done this one at a time. Which king had six different wives? Henry VIII. How many Henrys are there? That's not a question. Well, it sounds like eight of them, doesn't it? Who was the first Queen of England? The first Queen of England, Queen Victoria.

All right. How many spaces on a chessboard can she move? No, I'm kidding. It's not on there. There would have been one before Queen Victoria, but she's the one that they did all the movies about. And she's the one, the reason that, like, Australia's got a state called Victoria.

Not the current Queen Victoria, but Queen Victoria I. James I was the first to be king of England and which other country at the same time? King of England and Scotland. Okay. I'm going to skip over some of these. We get to it mary the first killed many people during her reign what is her nickname um murder mary the west side stalker oh the night stalker The Night Stalker. I was going to say Jack the Ripper. Which king became the first English monarch to voluntarily abdicate the throne? Okay, to voluntarily.

I forgot. What does abdicate mean? Abdicate means to leave the throne, to walk away from it. So I know that it's, so King Bertie, who was the one with the stutter, which is the king's speech, it was his brother and I'm I want to say I can't remember his name I think it was king I think maybe Richard was his name I might get the name he was the one he abdicated because he married a divorcee American and that

was just not going to happen and uh he wanted to be off with her but also he had a few he had a few Nazi ties that people weren't happy about. He used to hang out with Hitler a bit and think he was all right. True or false, the Queen weighs her guests when they arrive and leave at Christmas. False. It sounds like it has to be true because it's so weird and how could you make it up?

Let's say it's true. Why would she do that? Okay, well, first of all, she has someone do it. There's no way the Queen's- I guess one of those Ben Mathomion skills. Yeah, the Queen shuffles out after a big meal, holding the scale. It's time, everyone.

And then stands on it. On you get, William. Someone's gotten fat. Right? She doesn't do that. Okay. So you don't know why she would do that if she did? She would do it just to um check some

balances yeah in case somebody stole some silverware yeah yeah uh oh yeah that's not a bad idea yeah yeah it should check the pewter out man what royal house does the current queen belong to what was its original name uh well she she lives in the house of windsor okay. I don't know any of those. But before that, they had a German name, and it was changed after the First World War. It was changed to the name of Windsor because the German name wasn't as good because they wanted to cut German ties after that. I think even now it was pronounced Vinza. But I don't know about that.

But they changed it because of the war. They didn't want to be under the German name anymore. Okay, I'm going to ask a couple of these and skip ahead and we can start. Who is next in line for the throne? I think you probably know that. The next in line for the throne is Prince Charles. Ask me how far I can go with this. I reckon I can go a fair distance on this.

I don't have to ask you. You can just do it. Okay. So you'll go Charles. So you. Okay. So you'll go Charles. So you go Charles. Then you'll go William. Then you go George, little Prince George. And then you go whoever his brother is.

Forgotten his name. So you can't go that far. No, I've forgotten his name, but George's little brother. Oh, Tad. Yeah, yeah. Prince Tad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. brother oh tad yeah yeah prince dad yeah yeah yeah and then uh and then you go to harry yeah and then you go to archie and so it used to be like prince harry was like like third in line

and now he's dropped down to plus another he's dropped down to fifth okay which country uh you kind of answered this with a common law so when i said which hereditary disease was so common in european royals that it was called the royal disease uh i want to go with aids but um wow you think so the royal disease no no i i would say gout oh it's not hereditary gouts on hereditary but gouts always called the king's disease because they the king george and all those king henry and all that were eating just turkey legs and drinking mead. And that was making all their joints, all stuff, getting cheese from France and whatnot. So I would say syphilis.

No, that's not hereditary either. Some families. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to say dyslexia. Two members of the royal family have competed in the Olympics. In which sport? Princess Anne competed in equestrian, who's the queen's sister.

How do you know this, Jack? My mother was a monarchist, man. And the queen competed in bobsled okay um where's that no i assume no i assume there'd be a movie no i assume it would be okay so queen and equestrian i i assume there might be like like princess zara is married to a rugby player so i don't know if he you know rugby's not in the olympics um there would be some other sort of posh-ish sort of sport like equestrian. There was never fox hunting in the Olympics. I think bobsled.

You said bobsled. Bobsled the queen. Well, a couple more here. We'll scoot ahead. What body language indicates the queen is done with the conversation? What's that? What body language indicates the queen is done with the conversation? She lifts up one cheek.

And she just lets one tear. That would be awesome. That would be worth the power. And the queen is done. No, I don't know. There's things like you're not meant to continue eating after she's finished eating. No, no, no. She's going to do something to say like, hey, I'm done talking to you.

She does the Russell Crowe gladio. Which food is banned at Buckingham Palace? I read something just recently about from one of the old chefs of the Queen about what she would eat each day. And she's a pretty mild old eater. I don't believe she's super into spicy food. I know that Prince Philip, he's not around anymore, but Prince Philip was big on the barbecue. He liked to do the barbecue.

What food is bad? No, no, no. I'm getting to it. This is how you tell stories. This is how you got to do things, man. This is a fact dump. Yeah, we're not doing quick rounds. We're doing-

I know your tricks here. You try to say things. No, no, no. We're doing who wants to be a millionaire. Keep them honest for us. And so she likes fish. likes toast she likes eggs uh i'm gonna say i'm gonna i'm gonna say uh peanut M&Ms okay last question what is the surname of the royal family Windsor Windsor okay all right professor Jeremy Black uh how did Jim do in his surname of the royal family? Windsor. Windsor, okay. Alright, Professor Jeremy Black. How did Jim do in his knowledge of the royal family

and things associated with that? Zero through ten, ten's the best? I think he did jolly well. I'd give him an eight. Very well. Jolly well. I think he did very well. I'm going to start saying jolly well, by the way. Yeah, that's nice. Maybe you feel good. Yeah, jolly well.

All right. These Americans, they drive you up the fucking wall, don't they, Joe? I have to live with the bastards. Oh, hell. Kelly, how are you doing confidence? I mean, 10. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll give you a 10 and et cetera.

This is your highest score ever, maybe 28. Well, like real score. I've given you 1,000 before. You're part of the royal family. Congratulations. Yay! Jim Windsor. I've always felt a thousand before. You're part of the royal family. Congratulations. Yay! Jim Windsor. I've always felt a little inbred.

Jim Windsor. California has great weather. It has great weather. As long as we don't get one of those tsunamis from the bloody water in Tonga having an eruption, we're all good for the meanwhile. California has great weather, but it does get rainy and cold in winter. Well, of course, there's earthquakes any day now. Any day.

We're all going to die. But it does get rainy and cold in the winter, and the water's always messing up my shoes. Yeah, there's no drainage system in California, so everything's a freaking puddle that you're walking through. You walk through the water like this, splish, splosh, splish, splosh. That's how someone in Scribd would read that. Yep.

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I used to take shoes with air in them and shit like that and some memory foam thing. The Allbirds, I'm telling you, I can't, you know, bloody comfortable shoes comfortable yeah and they just slip on your feet the i'll be honest it feels like the laces are not even needed yeah they do like they they suck you in nicely they suck you in they just curve to your foot the laces are just just there as a fashion statement but you know maybe the people from all birds will ring me up go actually they I mean, other people probably run and stuff.

Oh, yeah. No, no, no. I'm what they call. If I had a supervillain name, it would be the shuffler. But I do. I wear it when I have to go for long walks or something like that. And I've gotten some compliments. My wife had some of her friends over, and I got some compliments from the ladies.

The ladies went, are those Allbirds? All the birds love all birds. Yeah, those are all birds. And they said that as I was kicking them out of my house because they'd been here too long. The last thing they saw. They kicked them out with the shoes. Oh, yeah.

They saw my foot as they were leaving. No, I really do. I really wear these. Since I've got these shoes, I've been wearing them 80% of the time. In fact, I'll wear them next podcast. I don't know why I wore these shoes. I've been wearing them 80% of the time. In fact, I'll wear them next podcast.

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Jim said, I don't know. Someone defeated someone. Lady in the lake, sword in the stone. No, you got that one totally wrong. Tribal leaders. There were tribes living in England. It was, as it were, the most powerful tribe. The House of Wessex becomes the first kings of England

in the 10th century. I'd like a change to the House of Essex. Wessex. Oh, Wessex. Right. Still got it wrong. Thereafter, he's doing bloody well. British national anthem, God Save the Queen.

Got that one right. God Save the Queen was the national anthem god save the queen i'm not that one right god save the queen was the national anthem in australia right up until the early i believe 1970s or late 1960s we still had to sing god save the queen and um to this day you still have some australians who still acknowledge that that's the what they prefer to have What is it now? Advanced Australia Fair. It's a pretty weak old song. It has the C word in it. They keep on changing the lyrics to Advanced Australia Fair because it's like every now and again it gets cancelled because it used to be Australian sons let us rejoice and they went don't let the bloody Australian sons. So they had to change to Australians

all and all this type of rubbish. Very controversial. I never thought about the king thing, though, because I've only ever been alive when there's been a queen, so I never thought that you'd have to sing it, God Save the King. Oh, yeah. That was how it was originally done. I mean, when the song was originally started, it was God Save the King.

And so the thing is they're going to have to change it back. I imagine when the queen dies and i hope she never does um but when the when the queen dies and they change it back to god save the king that's going to be a big adjustment for everyone to learn the new lyrics that assumes that people know them at the moment i like how forrest looked at me so earnestly like that won't be hard at all i don't know any of the words besides god save the queen. I'm done after that. Well, what is that tune? Because that tune is used in America for something else. So you know this tune.

Our country is of thee. Tis of thee. Tis of thee. Sweet land of liberty. Yeah, so that's an American song? Do you know the answer to this, Jeremy? No, I don't. Yeah, it's got American. No, I don't know who ripped it off from who.

Cultural appropriation. Well, England was before us, so I'm assuming they... I don't know because I used to teach at Durham University and when I went to, in fact, North Carolina to give some lectures, I actually tried to make a joke and said, you know, I was from Durham founded by immigrants from North Carolina. said, you know, I was from Durham, founded by immigrants from North Carolina. And, you know, they had no sense of humor.

They didn't get it at all. The Americans, I don't understand. It's your British draft sense of humor we don't get. It's funny, the British always think the Americans have this silly sense of humor. It's stupid. They like stupid things. The British have have this silly sense of humour. They're stupid. They like stupid things. No, the British have a pretty stupid sense of humour. Yeah, but that's the whole thing.

By the way, I've got an American point for you where I think I'm right in which you said your answers were jolly good, but one of them I think you got wrong, where you said the Commonwealth was everything which had the Union jack in part of the flag. I think you'll find the state of Hawaii has a Union jacking part of the flag, but it's not part of the Commonwealth. Oh! Because that was moved and everything.

And also, obviously, Canada no longer has that. See, when Australia wanted to become a republic, this is in the late 1990s. Australia had a referendum to become a republic because we're still part of the monarchy, right? And so Australia has a character that we call the Governor General. And the Governor General is just there as a figurehead and has no power, except for in the 70s when they changed. It turned out he could change, like basically go,

the Republicans are out, the Democrats are in. He had the power to do that. And he did it in a thing called the dismissal, right? So anyway- Sounds like a reality show. They still have that. So we have a prime minister and we have a, what did I just say the bloody thing was?

Governor General. Governor General. So they wanted to change it to Republic and they, I wanted to change it to Republic. I like our ties to Britain, but I don't think we should have any type of thing like that. I don't even think the Queen does because when we lost the referendum and we kept the Queen, the Queen came on the telly like this, really? And she went, all right, then I'll keep governing you as good as I can. Anyway, so they did this thing. They did a fear

campaign in the monarchists where they said, do you want there to be 48 changes to our constitution? And those 48 changes were just changing the word governor general to president. So there was no law changes. There were word changes that were necessary if you were passing onto the whole thing. And then they were going, and they go, and this president

can change governments, which the governor general did back in the 70s. And then they just showed pictures of Hitler. I was like, is this what you want? Now, my father wanted a republic and then he voted for the monarchy because he was like this, well, I don't want the monarchy, but I don't want Hitler. So Australia's not going to have one of those referendums forever. Most of the countries in the Commonwealth are now republics.

Yeah. So the first one was India. When India, you know, became independent, got rid of the monarchy, and then the question was, could you be a member of the Commonwealth if you didn't have the monarch? And they decided yes. And since then, there's very few places left. I think there's about

nine which including australia which are not republics but everywhere else in the commonwealth is actually a republic new zealand as well is one of one of the nine and and the thing is it's it's we'd still be part of the commonwealth we just yeah as you said we wouldn't we'd be a republic i gotta say the hawaii flag i never even looked i've been say, the Hawaii flag, I've never even looked. I've been to Hawaii several times. I've never even looked at their flag. Well, you know how Hawaii was. I'm looking at it now. It's like it is the Union Jack.

It's like the thing that's in there. Hawaii was found in the same way Australia was found by Captain James Cook, and Captain James Cook was an explorer from England. I know. But then he went to Hawaii, and they thought he was a king or something. He conquered Hawaii. It's a different episode. And then they fucking killed him, man.

The reason Hawaii's got the Union Jack in is because in the late 19th century, when Hawaii had an independent monarchy, they actually, most of them, wanted to stay independent from America. And they sort of tried to chummy up to the Brits, and the Brits didn't want war with the Americans. you know America was able to seize it but they left the Union Jack in its flag. I'll tell you the best thing that Britain... And you can also eat bread and butter pudding in Honolulu, I've done it. It's an example of English culture in the middle of the Pacific. They're also chucking spam down like it's no one's business. Didn't New Zealand change their flag to get the Union Jack out of there?

No, no. New Zealand has the same flag as Australia, except there's missing one star and their stars. Our stars are red. I thought they had a contest to get rid of. No, they've got a contest at the moment to change the flag, but nothing's gone through. Oh.

And speaking of New Zealand, I have a question for you, Professor Black. I was in New Zealand and I was river rafting, and then I asked them if anyone and I was river rafting, or really kayaking. And then I asked them if anyone was allowed to come up the rivers and they told me that the Queen owns all the rivers. Do you know that? Or are they just lying to make them from America?

I don't believe it for a second. What it probably means is it's public land. Yeah, they said, oh, the Queen owns them, but she lets everybody use them. It probably means it's public land the queen does have a massive uh i believe uh real estate portfolio correct where she if you if you want barren bits of scottish moorland yes no but i but i hear she has she owns a few

mcdonald's in her portfolio or is that a myth i mean i think put it like this i don't think the royal family is suffering from poverty but on on the other hand, it does have quite expensive maintenance bills on its buildings and on its pensions. It's not really in Britain. The big issue is, quite frankly, whether Scotland becomes independent and if Scotland becomes independent, whether Scotland eventually becomes a republic or not. And, you know, people debate that. I think in as far as most British people are concerned, particularly most English people, you know, every so often there are there is republican sentiment. And then they look and see what they get in terms of politicians standing forward to be presidents. And they think to themselves, well, you know, I think we'd rather have the monarchy. So, you know, obviously there's a lot of affection for

the Queen. There is less affection, I think it's fair to say for Prince Charles. But the idea that you would prefer whether you were on the left or the right, one of your politicians or the other side's politicians to the monarchy, I don't think there's much support for that. So they always throw out a figure and how much a taxpayer has to pay for the monarchy. I think it's something like 7p a day per person or something. It's quite high, like per person per day. I can't remember the exact figure, but it's what the monarchy costs.

And then people start using this argument that if we get rid of the monarchy, the monarchy brings in so many tourists and it's good for their economy in that sense, because people visit Buckingham Palace and they come and see Windsor Castle and they do all that stuff. If you got rid of the monarchy, do you think it would hurt tourism? Because all those buildings would still exist. The history would still be there. People could still go to the museums and they could still do the ceremonial changing of the guard etc i don't disagree with that but there are costs of to be head of state i mean let me give you an example i was once on um i-95 between philly and wilmington and all the traffic on the other side of the road was stopped there were police on all the interchanges.

And that was because then Vice President Biden, as he then was, was going home for the weekend. So they just closed half of I-95. Well, that's because he's very old and shouldn't be driving a car. Yeah, well, the loan knows how many policemen they had to do that. So I think you've got to be realistic. It costs a lot of money in most, not all countries, in most countries to have a head of state. The British have a system. It may or may not be the system you would have started with now. But in terms of thinking of the change,

I think, I don't think there's an enormous popularity for a change at the moment. I may be wrong, but I just don't think there is at the moment. But don't you think that money would still be spent on, still being spent on the Prime Minister? Boris Johnson still needs a cavalcade of cars and stuff like that. That wouldn't change anything. Well, actually, funnily enough, funnily enough, if you're thinking in terms of clearing the road for a Prime Minister

or a President or a monarch. I mean, what I find very strange is that, if anything, I would say the American president costs a hell of a lot more than both the British monarch and the British prime minister put together. I mean, you're really seeing an imperial system when you're looking at, I'm not criticising it, I'm just simply talking about in terms of cost. Or for this matter, those enormous vanity projects they call presidential libraries.

I mean, they're not exactly free, you know. I want to go to Trump's when that presidential library, just like the Playboy section. It'll be fantastic. All the coloring in books. All of his tweets All the crosswords that are misspelled out Yeah, it'll have one of those domes that you put your hand on

and your hair sticks up I like how you said you're not trying to insult our country I'm insulting everybody I'm insulting everybody I know, Professor Vox said I'm not trying to insult your country, I'm like, our country's perfect How dare you Actually, what's interesting, and I'm not trying to insult your country. I'm like, our country's perfect.

How dare you? Actually, what's interesting, one way to look at it is that, and this is not bad or good, America and Britain have different forms of monarchy. You have an elective monarch. So in other words, every four years, you elect your head of state, who in effect is your monarch, has enormous powers,

and you then have the advantage and the disadvantage of an election. The advantage is you're picking, as it were in theory, the most talented person, not somebody who's simply the son or daughter of somebody else. The disadvantage is you can actually find it a very divisive process. If the British system, which is a hereditary monarchy, you have the advantage that it's usually pretty clear who's going to be monarch. The disadvantage doesn't mean you're necessarily going to get a monarch who's very competent. But in Britain, since the monarch doesn't have very much power now, that doesn't really matter. But being born into a monarchy, that always amazes me because if I was born, let's say I was little Prince George, right,

and what is he now, nine or eight or something like that? I remember my mother was more excited about his birth than my son. So it was after that. So he's about seven, right? And so but if I knew I'd be, he knows already at seven he's going to be king and I'm sitting around school and then someone bloody slaps a ball out of my hand, I'd be like this, you're so getting your fucking head cut off, man.

As soon as I'm king, you're done, mate. HBO Max has an animated series called Prince George and it's like from the perspective of him. And he's just like this asshole of a kid. And it's very funny i once before i once performed stand-up in front of prince william at um at when he was at uh st andrews university and i'll tell you you got most things right but there was one minor one you got wrong actually they've changed the system now so that women and men have equal hereditary.

So after Prince George, if Prince George doesn't survive or for whatever reason, the next heir is not his younger brother. It, in fact, is Princess Charlotte. Oh. What? Which was? They've got three kids. Oh, I always thought that was it.

I didn't know they had three kids. I didn't know they had three. They changed it so that men don't have preference over women in the succession I thought that was always the case I didn't know that wasn't the case at all The royal family is progressive If the brother didn't abdicate when he was married to the lady

then it would have gone down to his kids and the whole royal family changed directions after that and then went to Queen Elizabeth and he could have gone through a different. Edward VIII didn't have any children. Edward VIII didn't have any children. Ah, that we know of. I hear he threw it around like a farmer in a field, man.

No, Edward VIII didn't have any children. Unlike Prince Andrew. That's two. That's two. That's two jokes. I imagine you're going to be having him at some stage in some maybe institution in the United States. We're having him on this podcast and his specialty topic is private islands.

How do you acquire one? What else did you get? Queen's duties. Because you mentioned them, you know, they don't have... Oh, yeah, he got the Queen's duties, fine. He did the Commonwealth, fine. He got the role of the royal family, fine. Who can marry, fine.

Two birthdays, fine. Incidentally, not just two of the Brits. It's also true of Japan. The emperor has an official birthday and another birthday. Oh, no, no, no. These holidays are fantastic. It's like we just had Martin Luther King Day. He looked terrible.

He was assassinated and all that sort of stuff. But you get a day, you know, and then you get the president's day. You know, all these things. We're comedians. We get a lot of days. I know, but I just like it for everyone else. Oh, yeah. I mean, the first one where you really came a cropper,

it doesn't matter to me, is the Queen came to the throne in 1952 and she was 25. I said the 1950s and she was in her 20s. Yeah, I know, but 1950s isn't the same as 1952. I'm just trying to be helpful. Yeah, he's giving us the information. And then she got crowned the following year in 53, okay? Okay, so I'll test you.

Who said this famous sentence? I did not see her passing by, but I will love her till I die. Well, clearly your mother, is it? No. Well, you replying to your mother. I think it was not Gough Whitlam, but Malcolm Frazee, the Australian Prime Minister, or Gough Whitlam. One of the Australian Prime Ministers said that when she visited,

and that's like a big famous thing that people say. I don't know. First Queen of England was Queen Victoria. Did he get that right? No. No, I didn't get that right, no. No, you didn't get that right. It would usually be given as, I mean,

I think you should give it as Henry VIII's older daughter, which is Mary, you know, Bloody Mary. Ah, Bloody Mary. But you could, there was a civil war after Henry I died in 1135, and one of the candidates was his daughter, Matilda, but she was beaten by his nephew, King Stephen. What, in a race or to death? In the Civil War.

But you could say that Matilda had a claim. But in terms of actually being accepted, crowned, all the rest of it, it would be Mary in 1553. And why was she called Bloody Mary? Well, because of the Protestants who were... Never reached menopause? Who were butchered how many did she how many people did she murder

well she didn't personally murder I know but I mean several hundred and that was a bloody Mary is that who that ship is named after here the Queen Mary it was the Queen Mary in Long Beach that was named after the Queen Mary who was was the Queen Mary in Long Beach. That was named after the Queen Mary, who was George V's wife.

So Mary I was queen from 1553 to 1558, and then her younger half-sister, in other words, another daughter of Henry VIII, was Elizabeth I, who was queen from 1558 to 1603. Can you be bumped off the throne? Can there be like a mutiny where the family goes, like say mental illness or you've just made a lot of bad decisions or is there no way to get off until death unless you say you want to abdicate?

Well, I mean, with George III, he was judged in the end to be mentally not up to it. So they had a regency. His oldest son, he actually had nine sons and six daughters. His oldest son, George, became the Prince Regent and, as it were, was acting monarch until George III died. Now, who... Sorry, go on.

Sorry. No, who gives... Okay, go on. You know what I mean, you know, there's no rule book in the English constitution really. So nobody knows what would happen in running into the future. All we've really got is the past as a set of guidelines.

Okay. So we, we now have the Prince of Wales is the next one. And then the next one will be the Prince of Cambridge, and then you have all these different ones. We had the Duke of Cambridge, and then we had the Prince of Edinburgh, and all that stuff. Who makes what city or region of England you get given, right?

Right. And do you have to have an affiliate? Like did the Prince of Edinburgh have to rock up to Edinburgh every now and again and say hi? Well, the Duke of Edinburgh, no, he didn't do that. I mean, but the point is the Queen decides what titles they have and there are some counties, or in America you'd call them states, which are traditionally ones that the royal family has given title,

has taken for title. So the Duke of York, Prince Andrew's place, is an example of that. Whereas there are some other counties where there are actually families of Dukes who, you know, and therefore you would not use those titles. So, for example, there's a private family, the Cavendishes, who are Dukes of Devonshire. So you're not going to be having a Royal Duke of Devon or Devonshire. Okay.

Why are all the Dukes and the Princes of places, Edinburgh, York, Cambridge, these are all lovely, picturesque towns, beautiful places. Yeah, that's right. Nobody's picking Duluth or Detroit or Flint. Yeah, no, but no one's ever the Duke of Blackpool, right? We don't have any of the Duke of Warrington. Why do the shitholes never get anything going? Sorry for anyone from Blackpool listening, but it's a fucking shithole.

I'm not sure. I mean, you know, I'm not sure I'd go that far. But anyway, you know, you're absolutely right. They tend to be rural counties, although Lancashire, which is where Blackpool is in, is actually traditionally a royal county. Well, I mean, okay, so what are all the titles? That was a question we didn't ask. So there's Queen, King, Prince, and there's Dukes, but as earls,

what are all the different royal titles in there? Right. Well, as far as the crown is concerned, there's the monarch, king or queen, their spouse, obviously king or, you know, a queen if it's a king and so on, or a prince if it's a queen who is the monarch. Then they can choose, the monarch can choose what titles to give their children. The monarch can choose what titles to give their children. So, you know, I think Prince Edward was made Duke of Wessex after a bit. Prince Andrew was made Duke of York and so on. Not earls.

Earls are sort of members of the ordinary aristocracy. Did Camilla get to call herself, because she's the Duchess, right? She's a Duchess, correct? She's a Duchess, correct? Duchess of Cornwall. Duchess of Cornwall. So the person before who was the Princess of Wales, the Princess, Princess, I know a little bit about women. They like to be called princesses. They love princesses. It's like men want to be called kings. I'm the king. Women want to be called princesses. And even when a man becomes a woman he calls himself a queen we always want to be in charge no matter what outfit we're fucking wearing and women always want to be in a position where they're taken care of and pampered i'm sorry you've done this not me just check prove me wrong

no i'm a queen yeah yeah but you're that type of person. You bloody get shit done type of a person, right? So why would you, after there was the beloved Princess Diana, why would she go, and I'd like to be called Duchess? I've seen enough Disney films to know a Duchess is up to no good and is sending your kids to boarding school right away. So simple question, what's your answer? I don't know. This may surprise you, but they don't ring me up or you up to say,

you know, we were thinking about this. I don't have to tell you. You know what? You can sleep with a princess. You don't want to show. Who did you show last night? A duchess? She sounds like she could take a punch.

That sounds like a hefty person. You don't like duchess? I think duchess sounds fine. I think duchess sounds kind of cool. Duchess sounds like she has a cake that she likes on the regular. Like the whole thing just sits there with a fork and doesn't cut into it. Plows her own field. Let's see some other. Well, that was Bloody Mary.

You got the West Side Stalker wrong. King became the first English monarch to voluntarily abdicate the throne. I don't even know what your answer was. It was Bertie's brother, the one that... Edward the Eighth. Edward, Prince Edward. And he was played by Guy Pearce in the King's Speech, right? But he was the one that he sort of, he did,

I've seen a documentary about this. He sort of, he wasn't a Nazi, but he did party with them, right? He had a few bevvies with them and had a good time. Yeah, I mean, he visited Hitler at Birch's Garden and he had fascistic sympathies. I think there's no doubt about that. Yeah, and so the Queen was very like, why don't you fucking do that for him? And then so Bertie was the one who died of the lung cancer, right?

Yeah. Yeah, he died of lung cancer. They were big smokers, the royal family, right up until. As was just about everybody in that period. And the thing that's worth bearing in mind is that George VI, Bertie, and his father, George V, had both served in the Royal Navy. And so George VI, for example, as a young man, had been at the Battle of Jutland, which was the biggest naval battle in European waters in the 20th century. And it was pretty common for sailors and people in the Navy of any rank

to smoke very, very heavily. So it's not surprising that he got lung cancer, really. And when I said the Queen was a mechanic in the Second World War, was she just there just to make up numbers? Because I feel like when Prince Harry was in the military, I don't know. She wasn't there just to make up numbers. She did things in the transport corps.

I mean, it was part of the process of conscription of young unmarried women. Was she working on tanks or was she working on cars? What was her – What Americans would call trucks. Right. So you could come in, you go to speak to the Queen, you go, oh, the Queen's over here, and then she'd roll out

on a skateboard from underneath the truck and she'd be like, hello. I mean, one of the things which is very interesting is World War II did a lot positive for the reputation of the royal family. And in particular, the decision to stay in London during first the bombing and then the rocket attacks, the V1s and the V2s, was really quite important to the positive reputation that the royal family had very strongly by the end of the war. Because they didn't leave Buckingham Palace, did they? They stayed, correct? Well, they didn't leave London. They visited around London.

I mean, George VI went to Normandy and he went to visit some of the fronts. He also went to witness the crossing of the Rhine in 45. But essentially, he stayed either in London or in war zones. So the weighing of the guests, do we know the answer to this? Does the Queen weigh? I have no idea. I've never heard of it. Did you get this?

Yeah, I was looking up facts or whatever, and it says it is true. Yeah, then it's got to be a real thing. Why is it that they do it? I think it was because of stealing things. I'm just going to make that up. Well, I've met a few people who have met the queen and stuff like that, and there's a whole thing you've got to do with the curtsy and the bow, and then it's mom like ham or ma'am like ham or something mom like whatever,

and you've got to do that. But is it true that you can't start eating until she eats and when she finishes eating, you have to stop eating? That's the theory, yeah. Fuck, you never want me to be king, mate. I wolf down food. Everyone would be on their first mouthful and I'd be like, and done. I've met the queen to talk to. And, you know, I think actually she has quite a hard work.

I mean, you know, she's having to talk to lots and lots of strangers, most of whom are fairly nervous about meeting her. And the convention when you meet the Queen is that she leads on with the topic of conversation. You're not supposed to ask her things as it were. And, and that's, you know,

quite a strain if you think about it. Yeah. Well for her as well, because she has to keep conversation live. Yeah. And I, I, I,

John Cleese taught me a couple of stories about meeting her and he said it was very bizarre because she was a fan of Fawlty Towers or whatever. And you just sit there and wait for the answers and all type of stuff. By the way, I just looked this up. So who knows if this is true, but it says she really does weigh her guests. The tradition of weighing guests at the start of the three-day Christmas festivities dates back to the reign of Edward VII, who was king from 1901 to 1910. He decided that weight gain during their stay was indicative of how much his guests had enjoyed themselves. So if they ate a bunch of food and all that stuff, he's like,

had a good time. She's just giving up booze, isn't she? Edward VII is the last monarch to certainly have a good time. I mean, obviously, you know, he had a very adventurous personal life as far as women were concerned. He also smoked and ate the most amazing amount of stuff. He smoked these full length of hammers and he'd start off with his first one would be after breakfast. You know, I mean, he really, he's also, from what I remember, I'm happy to be corrected on this, he's the first person in Britain to have had a successful appendectomy

and they knighted the surgeon who performed the operation. I thought you were going to say they knighted the appendix. I really thought that's what you were going to say. From everything I'm hearing, I reckon the rugs in the curtains in Buckingham Palace must stink. Oh, yeah. Like just the amount of cigar smoke and things and just caviar that's been walked into it. It's not like that now.

But it's not like that. Look, you go to an old pub. I was having a drink yesterday in Exeter, which is where I now live, in an old pub. And the chap I was having a drink with said, you know, these walls must have once been absolutely thick with, you know, these walls must have once been absolutely thick

with, you know, but, you know, nobody's been allowed to smoke in English. This is about 2004. Yeah, whatever it was. And, you know, it is very different now in that respect. Do you know that when that happened, smoking went up? And do you want to know why? Because what they did was they would move us out of the pubs into the little courtyards area.

I was living in London when this happened. They'd move us out into the little courtyard area, and then all of a sudden, girls who you couldn't normally talk to, you were being put into a tight little area like that, and they could come and ask you for a light. And you were so nervous you had to smoke. No. Oh, no, no, you could go, do you want a cigarette?

Can I have a light? Like, that's always, it was the best way to meet girls. And between me and you, girls who smoke are well up for it. Between you and him or everybody else? It's just me and you. Don't listen to anyone else. I'm going to pick up smoking. The, uh, okay, here we go.

The Royal House. What Royal House does the current queen belong to? House of Windsor. And then what was the original name? Jim said it was a German name of some sort. Yeah, Saxe-Coburg-Goethe. Saxe-Coburg-Goethe. Okay.

Next in line, we did that. The Olympics. Oh, what hereditary disease? Do you know this? It's not the Olympics at all. It was so common in European royals, it was called the royal disease. What is it? Porphyria. What is it? Porphyria.

What is that? The fear of being poor. Porphyria is a blood disease and it has a number of symptoms, including allegedly, I mean, I've never met anybody that has it, making your urine purple and sometimes giving symptoms akin to insanity. That would drive you mad. Purple urine's pretty cool. I didn't see any parts not, yeah.

It would look like someone had just cleaned the bowl with something. By the way, you said Princess Anne was, obviously you were just having a few after effects of your drinking, but you said Princess Anne was the obviously you were just, you know, having a few after effects of your drinking, but you said Princess Anne was the Queen's sister. Queen's daughter, Queen's daughter, yeah. But Princess Margaret, she was the fun time one, right? So she didn't go to the Olympics. She was the good looking one of the Queen's sister.

And then Princess Anne did equestrian. Who was the other person in the Olympics? I have no idea. I'm not a sportsman. This is, I think it's a younger person. Let me just look it up. You can go on to the next one. Okay.

I didn't ask this. Who do the royals need permission from to marry? I'm pretty sure that's probably. Lady of the Lake. Who do they need permission from to marry? From the queen. Under the Royal Marriages Act of, I think it's 1772, from the monarch. Yeah, from the queen. Yeah the Royal Marriage Act of I think it's 1772 from the monarch. Yeah, from the Queen.

Yeah, I figured that was. Probably why I skipped it. From the Queen's cousin, Larry. Hey, here's one for you, Jeremy. Do you remember in Windsor Castle when it was Prince William's 21st birthday and a man dressed as a summer bin Laden with a merkin on and a beard and wearing a dress, sneaked into Windsor Castle, stole the microphone,

and, you know, got through six layers of, do you remember that? Yeah. Yeah, I know that guy. Yeah, that guy's called Aaron Barshak, and he was a comedian. He called himself the comedy terrorist, and he wasn't getting much stage time. So his whole persona was he'd run on stage dressed as Osama bin Laden.

This is like 2003. Like this is like- He didn't get shot. He did very lucky. He was very lucky. I'll tell you a funny story about what happened to him. So the way he got in, he jumped over the wall and it was a fancy dress party.

He was dressed in a turban and a dress with a pubic hair murk underneath that he would flash every now and again. He jumped over the barrier and there was a security guard or someone who worked for the royal family or a cop or something. And he came up and he said, are you all right? And he went, oh, I'm so drunk and I've got myself completely lost, I have. And so this guy walked him through six security checks and all of a sudden he found himself inside

and the speeches were all happening. The Queen and Prince Charles was up there and Prince William was having a speech. This guy just goes on, he snatches the microphone, prom Prince William's hand, and Prince William thought, oh, Harry's doing something to me. Like that, right? He's staying on stage for so long he'd ran out of material.

He'd never done this long before. And so then the security come to get him. Now, this is so like they lock him in the dungeon. It's a fucking castle, man. There's dungeons. So they lock this guy in the dungeon in Windsor Castle and the bloke who let him through all the checkpoints, he came down to him and he went, oh, you're in so much trouble.

You don't know how much trouble you're in. And he said, not as much as you. Yes. trouble you don't know how much trouble you're in and he said not as much as you um what body language indicates the queen is done with conversation do you know the answer to that yeah having conversed to the queen i can tell you exactly you were told what i i i met her when i was given a an honor so in other words, I'd helped in stamp design. And you're told that at the end of the sort of conversation with the Queen, she'll pin your honour on you, your badge or whatever you want to call it. And then you're supposed to sort of bow.

And then the Queen will indicate it's time to you to go. And I remember the equerries saying, the queen will shake your hand and push you at the same time, as in in the handshake. People do that to me at parties. How on earth, you know, I'm over six foot and quite heavy. And I thought, how on earth could somebody give you a push through a handshake? And the answer is, that's exactly what happened.

Oh, that's a lot of practice. I would push her back. Use your white and heart, Jeremy. And do you know what food is banned at Buckingham Palace? Jim said peanut M&M's. M&M's are your... The candy. It's a candy.

What do you mean your candy? Leicester Square has an M&M's store that's fucking four stories high. Don't act all English like, there's stupid Americans in their M&M's. I'm not doing that. I don't think that of Americans. What I meant by your candy is you made it. You manufacture it.

It's your product. No. You know, just as Boeings are your planes, even if they're being flown by British Airways. I'll change my answer to wine gums. She doesn't like wine gums. There, that's British for you. You know what, Kelly, did you find this?

Yeah, it says she doesn't have garlic or too much onion at anything at the royal table. She doesn't like spice yeah she likes her food very bland. Do you know the onion is the only food that's used in all cuisines across the world. Onion makes everything better. It's the only thing in

every food culture. Everyone uses onion it's the only crossover food on the planet. It grows anywhere. You have it on top of sushi a little bit. Onion's the thing. Don't give it to dogs. Onion. Bad for dogs. The humble onion.

Okay, so I think we went through all the questions. So this is part of the show. I still want to talk about the royal family, though. Do you want to ask Professor Jeremy Black some questions? All right. Well, we never found out who was the second person in the Olympics. Oh, it's Zara, Anne's daughter. Zara?

I talked about the thing. Zara's not a bad sort. And she was a question as well. But Zara got herself like a nose ring, and she was a bit more fun than everybody else. And she used to come out to Australia and have a good time in the bars. We're all Team Zara. Nothing wrong with her.

Okay. Do you want to ask any questions before we get to them? All right, all right, all right. What's the Queens? No, I don't have anything. You said you want to keep talking about the royal family. I know, but just organically. Don't put me on the spot.

I feel sorry. I can understand that. You asked me, you said to me you were going to ask me something surprising. I'll tell you what, the one that surprised me, I did a biography some years ago of George III. George III is the only human being to have had a planet in the solar system named after him. They changed the name afterwards, but he was giving money to the astronomer Herschel, and Herschel found what we now call Uranus, and it was originally called after George III. So that's a rather unusual thing for a…

I'm going to start calling my asshole George III. It used to be called his anus. His royal anus. So the Queen stopped with the booze, right? Because I did a whole stand-up routine about this. The queen would have, I think I said something, it was four cocktails a day, two shots of alcohol in each thing, that's eight things.

So she was pretty much an alcoholic. But what is she now? She's like 90, I want to say 92. I think she's 95. 95. Okay. So she's old, right? And she's just given up alcohol just now.

Do you think she'll stick with it? Yeah, I think, I mean, I think she's supposed to now have maybe one drink a day or something like that. Yeah. But it's a tall boy. It's a yard. I think she's doing tremendously well.

I think there's enormous affection for her. And as you said correctly, just about everybody alive, that's the only monarch they remember in Britain. So it's going to be an enormous shock, which will probably surprise people from abroad. And it'll be a shock for whether people are monarchists or Republicans. I think it's going to be much harder for a new monarch because we're in a different kind of society. But on the other hand, every single time our politicians of whatever political party muck up, you can understand people thinking, I'm not quite so sure whether we want a presidency or not. So, you know, it's a tricky one. I mean, obviously, I know in the United States where the choice you had last time, you obviously felt that you were having a fantastic choice. And of course, in America, inconceivable, isn't it, that you could have a president who was the son of another president? Absolutely inconceivable.

Oh, yeah. George Bush, George Bush. We're actually going right back. I mean, John Quincy Adams and John Adams. I just want to be alive for Chelsea Clinton's presidency. What about Eric Trump? Yeah. I want to be alive for when everyone else is dead.

I think it's interesting that there are some monarchies really muck up. I mean, the last king of Spain, Juan Carlos, who was forced to abdicate because of all the financial and other scandals he was in, hasn't really done the reputation of the Spanish monarchy. Was he the first one, Carlos? Because I think he's the first one. That would be a good, okay.

Are you doing a pun? Yeah, I was. Yeah, he was. It just didn't work. It didn't work. Look, they can't all be gems, Jeremy. People get into me because my hit and miss ratio is so high that these things stick out when I make a bad joke.

So I'm going to stick up a little bit for Charlie, right, for Prince Charles. Because I remember being a kid and he used to come out. I was there when they visited for the bicentennial in 1988 and we had big concerts and Prince Charles because I remember being a kid and he used to come out. I was there when they visited for the bicentennial in 1988 and we had big concerts and Prince Charles and Diana came in and we all had to stand up and all that sort of stuff. And so people give Charlie a bit of shit. I don't really know why.

He's good with local farming. He's good with agriculture in the country. He's a huge comedy fan. He was a huge comedy fan. He was a big fan of the Goon Show and always a big proponent of comedy, thinking he goes to see comedy and really likes comedy. But, you know, some of the things that, Kate, do you remember back in the day, this is, I would want to say, the 1970s, he came out to visit Australia and there's footage

of him coming out of the ocean, right? And he's coming out in his Speedo and he comes out of the ocean. And then this really hot Australian chick just runs up and slaps a kiss on him and he goes like that. And then she runs away. And you know what? That turned out to be a phony thing. That turned out to be footage that the royal family to make him look more like a playboy and more desirable. And there was no women running up to bloody kiss that wing nutted idiot. I was going to stick up for him. What happened? I have a question.

Meghan Markle, is she the first, I'm sure that's been said, is she the first American that's ever was brought into the fold of the royal family? Well, there was the one that he had already mentioned, the Duchess of Windsor. So I think it's fair to say that not the first. I think in the case of Meghan Markle, what's interesting is that when she got married with Prince Harry,

there was a lot of very positive coverage of that marriage as the idea being that this was a modernising aspect, etc, etc. And what then happened after that was, I think, to put it mildly, unfortunate. Now, clearly, people have all sorts of different points of view. All I'd say is it's probably not brilliant if you come to a country to give interviews slagging off the locals, which is what, in effect, she did. She did that early on, did she? Yeah, she did that early on. And that did not go down very well. So the popular press then switched.

Initially, the popular press had been pro. I mean, Harry was a very popular figure. And the popular press then switched to the exact opposite. Here you've got these entitled people being rude and calling us all racists. And that was very, so the mood changed. And I think I can't quite see how easily there can be a row back from that position. Both sides now seem to be quite entrenched, which is unfortunate because I'm sure that's not what anybody intended. I'll tell you a quick little story. So my wife is

British, a mixed race person from the UK. So when the Oprah interview happened, she was probably more sympathetic to Meghan than anything else because that's where she stood. And so my little name drop, we were having dinner with Lisa Vanderpump, right, as you do. You don't know who. I have no idea who Lisa Vanderpump is. Well, then you haven't written a true book about the royal family then. Lisa Vanderpump is British, but she is American royalty. She's the queen of Beverly Hills.

She's the fucking queen of West Hollywood, man. She's my buddy. I love Lisa. She's a reality star. Reality TV star. A restaurateur, man. I know, but she's famous because she's a reality star. It's fine.

It's not saying it bad. She's a great lady, Lisa Vanderpoel. Great lady. Anyway, so me and Lisa Vanderpoel, and then like the interview had just happened, and my wife was angry at the royal family for that day because, you know, she blah, blah, blah. And so Lisa goes to her, she goes, have you seen,

did you see that interview with Oprah? And then Taisy goes, oh, well, wasn't it terrible what they did to Megan? And then Lisa Vanvam goes, what has that girl got to complain about a few bad interviews? So what? She's got tons of money and she gets to walk around a palace wearing a tiara. That's all I've ever wanted. Alright, so here is a part

of a show called Dinner Party. He did it. He gave it to us. He gave us our obscure fact. Yeah, I gave it to him with George III and the planet. Yeah, the planet. I'll give you one. I'll think of one. I'll get one for you. I'm sorry. Yeah, the planet. I'll give you one. My anus. I'll think of one. I'll get one for you. I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry. It's okay. It's okay. Now we'll just give it, we'll wrap it up. Okay. Can we Google some faux pas quotes from Prince Philip? God bless his soul, and we'll end on that. I always love one of those where he said something stupid

and people got angry at him. You know, I love Prince Philip. I thought Prince Philip was the shit. I loved whenever he gave zero fucks all the time and he went around. He was a tremendous man. You know, the thing to bear in mind about Prince Philip is he risked his life for his country. And that's impressive.

Whichever country you're in, that's impressive because all too many people are quite happy to be people that send other people to risk their lives. And, you know, bobbing around in the Mediterranean in World War II, having German submarines and aircraft, you know, throw the shit at you. I think that was pretty, you know, that's pretty brilliant. No, I wasn't joking. I had a lot of time for Prince Philip, man. He, entertaining,

seemed like a good guy. No problem. We haven't got any one good quote? Yeah, this one's kind of funny. To Simon Kellner, Republican editor of The Independent at Windsor Castle Reception, what are you doing here? He says, I was invited, sir, Philip. Well, you didn't have to come. That's brilliant. That's what a lot of people say to me after sex. I'm going to use that. I'm going to use that all the time.

Well, you didn't have to come. Let me give you an example, which I can pass on. I mean, a friend of mine who was a senior politician, he told me that the last time he met Prince Philip, who was by then nearly on his way out, it was for a lunch of privy councillors at Windsor Castle. And Prince Philip observed correctly that since red kites have been reintroduced, it's a kind of bird, bird of prey, the number of songbirds were declining and that that was a problem that people needed to think about. It's quite interesting that both Prince Philip and Prince Charles,

they have a sense of the environment, not a sort of cuddly, soft, you know, let's all stroke the environment, but a sense of the environment as a world in which species, including human beings, But a sense of the environment as a world in which species, including human beings, compete. And they've got a sort of sense, maybe it's because you come from a family that's got, like all of our families, long-lasting, but families that have a sense of their past. Maybe that you've got a sense of something other than just yourself and your own generation.

And I think that's impressive. Final question, and just answer this as you believe it will happen, not what you want to have happen, or you can answer both ways. How long do you think the royal family has before it ends? I think that really depends which part of their world you're talking about. In Australia, I don't think it's going to last very long, maybe 10 years. In Scotland, maybe 20.

I think actually in England, quite a while. Right. Yeah. Well, Professor Jeremy Black, thank you for being here today. Jeremy, I enjoyed this, brother. This was a good podcast. Great pleasure. My daughter lives in America.

My father's three sisters all moved to America and married Americans. So I have a lot of affection for America. So all the best to all of you. And thank you very much. Thank you so much for joining us. All right, ladies and gentlemen, if you're ever at a party and someone comes up to you and goes, they're all, oh, there he goes.

There you goes. Am I not supposed to do it? We'll just wrap it up. Zara can't be in the Olympics. I don't know about that. This is my weakest one. Good night, Australia.