I Will Teach You To Be Rich - 23. “I live in constant fear that our $425k income isn’t enough”

Episode Date: December 21, 2021

Lauren and Alex bring in $425,000 a year, and they’ve just invested in a $1.3 million dollar home. Alex feels like they’re flying high, but Lauren’s lost her sense of security. She wants to save for a beach house in Carmel, not invest in double-glazing windows. Their savings plan has gone awry, and all she can hear is her father’s phrase “It’s not how much you make, it’s how much you save” every time they have to make a big purchase.  What is stopping Lauren from being more secure? Listen for the cues. Do you think buying a shack on a beach will really wash away her deep-rooted financial fears? Connect with Ramit Website Instagram Twitter Facebook YouTube Linkedin If you and your partner have a money issue and you want my help, I occasionally select a couple to work with, free of charge. Apply for my help here. Produced by Crate Media.

It just feels insurmountable right now because we have this new mortgage, four cars. Are we both making a lot of money? We are, but it still doesn't feel like enough. Getting into the house, there was more things that needed to be fixed. More than met the eye originally, and it was overwhelming to me. I felt that same horrible feeling like, oh gosh, the spigot has been open, the money spigot, and it's never gonna stop.

Like the faucets never gonna stop. I said, no amount of money that we make will make you feel secure. Because if we're making a million dollars a year, you're gonna think, oh, we need two million making a million dollars a year, you're going to think, oh, we need two million or a million and a half. And it's just going to keep escalating. I feel like I'll be complete if I can buy this beach house. How do you talk about money with your partner when the two of you can't even agree if you're doing well or not. Today, meet Lauren and Alex.

Lauren is worried about money. She's constantly feeling like they'll never have enough. And ever since they bought their new house, all she sees is expense after expense. And now she started to resent the house because every payment they make is one less dollar she can save towards what she really wants. And that is a beach house. She even tells me, I won't be happy until I finally get that beach house. Alex can't understand why Lauren feels scared about money.

They earn $425,000 a year and he's proud that they bought this $1.3 million house. He doesn't mind the repairs. He knows that's what comes along with an old house. As you listen to today's episode, pay attention to the clues. You'll hear them in Lauren's profession, in her face cream, in the number of cars they have, and that dream of a beach house. I'm Remi Tse T and this is the I will teach you to be rich podcast. So Alex you feel like you're flying high. So why do you think that Lauren asked you

to come to this recording? Well I think that she thinks that we're not okay financially, that because we've taken on massive debt with buying a big property, that that is a risk. And the future is always uncertain whether it be I lose my job or I don't longer have work, just consumed by financial fear. And I think that that's why she's reaching out to you. How did you feel when she suggested coming to this? What was the emotions that went through your body? Are you kidding me? That's what was my first thought.

I was like, like, we're doing great, you know? There's no need for our coach. And I think that this is just another one of those reassurance. She needs to be constantly reassured. And if she's reassured financially that the decisions we've made that far are in the right direction, she will be able to sleep better at night. Give me an example of how you are fearful of money. Well, I would just rather not spend on big life purchases,

such as a mortgage. Like, we had to rent for two months while we were in between homes, and I kind of loved it. I loved having no maintenance and just socking money away in the bank. I didn't have to worry about being a homeowner where just like anything could go wrong at any time and then I'd have to we'd have to spend money on broken pipes and broken this and broken that. It just it just feels insurmountable right now because we have this new mortgage for cars. Yes, are we both making

a lot of money? We are, but it still doesn't feel like enough. And I don't mean that in a way that like, in greed, but it's just like, we are not really saving right now as much as I would like to be saving. You'll hear this a lot. You'll hear people saying, we're not saving enough and they start spinning in their heads. We're not saving enough. If we don't save enough, we could run out of money. If we run out of money, we're going to be out on the street. If we're out on the street, our kids will die orphans.

And when you ask them, how much is enough, they're almost visually shaken out of their stupor. It's very easy for people to catastrophize about certain things in life, to focus on the very worst that can happen. And money's a really common example, mostly because we don't understand it. We don't know how to calculate how much is enough. We don't understand compound interest, which is extremely counterintuitive. And candidly, most of the people who worry about money have never spent a single weekend reading a good book about personal finance. In their case, they could find the answer very quickly. They could then decide, is that enough for their rich life? Is it not? But right now, Lauren is getting something out of this spinning, out of this catastrophizing,

and it's allowing her to take this frenetic energy and at least pretend to focus it somewhere. I feel like I'll be complete if I can buy this beach house that I want. Complete? I won't want another thing materialistically. Alex, do you believe that? Honestly, I want to believe. I think that I've talked to her before about this. I think that money, wanting money always leads to more money. People's perceptions of money are highly uncorrelated with how much money they have in the bank. I talk to multi-millionaires who feel poor.

I talk to people of 50 grand, feel on top of the world and vice versa. Highly uncorrelated, your feelings. And the irony there is that many of us believe if we change the number in our bank account, our feelings will change. Rarely happens. Rarely happens. In order to change your feelings, you know what you need to work on? Your feelings. what you need to work on, your feelings. I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that when you have told Lauren, Lauren, we actually make a lot of money.

It doesn't work. Is that a good, yeah. It doesn't work, right? No. And so when you did that and it didn't work, what'd you do next? I said, no amount of money that we make will make you feel secure. Because if we're making a million dollars a year,

you're gonna think, oh, we need two million, or a million and a half, and it's just gonna keep escalating. When do you remember first being afraid of money? Oh gosh, probably like, probably like my first memory. Like having to ask my dad for money for soccer cleats because my mom couldn't ask him. Why? We could to discuss money with my dad. What would he do? Blow up. Blow up. Why, he didn't have enough, he felt uncomfortable, what was it? I mean, he made as much money as Alex and I, but he also had a lot of, he had four kids

and he just felt like kind of like how I feel that it's just never ends and his, all I would hear growing up is the outflow is more than the inflow. This isn't surprising at all. 90% of the time I can trace back your money beliefs to what your parents believed. And you have to recognize that your parents were probably not very savvy financially speaking. These are what I call invisible scripts. These beliefs that are so deeply embedded

that they're invisible. When you grew up, you absorbed random phrases your parents said. You might have heard them complaining about money. You might have heard them say phrases like money doesn't grow on trees. It's hard for people to acknowledge that these phrases you heard 40 years ago can actually

be controlling your behavior today. People like to believe that they're in control of their behavior, that they're rational and logical, that if they believe something, it's because they weighed the evidence. And what we learn from social psychology is that that belief is largely bullshit. You think you put bananas in cornflakes because you just happened to discover that? No, it's because a banana company invented the idea of putting bananas in cornflakes

about a hundred years ago. Do you know why you feel certain ways about money? It's often because of something your parents said 40 years ago. Do you know why you feel certain ways about money? It's often because of something your parent said 40 years ago. And this is humbling because to truly change you have to acknowledge that many of your beliefs are actually not yours. You just inherited them. That sounds familiar, doesn't it? Yeah. What other phrases did he say about money? Money doesn't grow on trees. Oh, it's not what you make, it's what you save. Wow.

Mm-hmm. Do you see any connection to some of the phrases you said earlier on? Of course, of course. I believe me. I know I've got him living inside me. Even though I knew my dad was making a lot of money, we never felt rich. How much was he making? At like the height 20 years ago, probably 450,000 a year. 450,000 a year in approximately the year 2000. That's a lot of money a lot of money and how

Did he feel about his money? study didn't have any yeah, yeah, and um, by the way, how much is your household income right now? 425,000 Are you hearing these similarities? four kids four cars, $450,000 income, $425,000 income. There's not enough money. Both of them said that.

It's almost like looking at yourself in the mirror. Let's find out why this house is causing so many problems in their relationship. We found this beautiful home from the 1920s that the design was just incredible and we both fell in love with the house right away. Remind it as a childhood, reminded us both growing up. I mean, I came from Chile, so when I was 10 and reminded me of my grandpa's house, she had same feelings with her grandpa. How much

did the house cost? 1,381. Okay. And how did you both feel about the financial side of that? We crunched the numbers, needed some electrical work, needed some other things. We did the numbers, and that was the most we could afford and still have money left over to fix it and Then have money left over in our savings. So we okay? We didn't drain our savings to get the house Very good sounds like you did a actually a pretty thorough analysis, which is phenomenal Lauren Do you agree with what Alex just said no? so Getting into the house, there was more things that needed to be fixed, that more than me met the eye originally, and it was overwhelming to me.

It was just beyond, and again, I felt that same horrible feeling like, oh gosh, the spigot has been open, the money spigot, and it's never gonna stop. Like the faucet's never gonna stop because it was just one thing after another that you just don't realize when you're in the exuberance of, oh my God, this house is so amazing. Well, there was no appliances.

There's no window coverings. There's a roof that was not insurable, and it just felt like, even though we'd run the numbers for a lot of the things, there were some things that we just overlooked, you know, just until you get into a new house, you just can't predict. What started happening at this moment between the two of you? Fighting. I was trying to control Alex's spending because he would just be like, oh, I called a contractor, he's coming tomorrow and I'd be like,

well, did you get an estimate? How much is this? And he said, oh, don't worry about it. It's fine. And I said, no, no, no, no, no, no, how much is it going to cost? And so then I started really micromanaging Alex's expenditures. And in his defense, I started lashing out by just like spending because I was just like, whatever, this is out of control. What was it that you went off to buy? skincare. Face stuff, probably. Wait, hold on. This is what skincare?

What brands are we talking about here? Love mayor. What are we talking about? Thin suitable. Oh, okay. What else? Thermatologist appointments. Ah, okay. So this was basically, I'm going to do something for me, right? Why? Why were

you doing it for you? Because it's not fun for me to spend money on roofs and appliances. And it's depressing. I think I was just seeking some sort of self-suthing. Yeah, that's pretty perceptive of you. You know, a house from the 1920s, it's gonna have, it's gonna need things, you know. It's a beautiful home. It's not a new house. So I always knew that there are going to be other things. I could fix this house forever and never finish because it's old. But the charm of the house is the fact that it's old. A value of the home is going to increase. And we're putting money into a home, we're not throwing

the money away, basically. You mentioned being really at rock bottom before, what was rock bottom for you? Well, rock bottom is not having a job, being in debt, being in a failing relationship, and having to crawl myself and reinvent myself. And so now when you wake up and you look out the window of this charming 1920s house, what are you feeling? I feel empowered. I feel happy. I feel fulfilled. I feel that, wow, look at me now, you know, and look where I was and look what I've you know put my hard-earned work and look what I have accomplished so I know what it is to not have any money for food to not have a place to stay and sleeping on people's couches and feeling like I was a total scoutches and feeling like I was a total deadbeat, you know, that I had it to get here, you know, I did not know what to do at that time. And I always think of that moment. I always

put myself in that very low moment. And then when I wake up and look where I'm doing now, I can only smile. That's got it. You know, I appreciate that you can celebrate how far you've come. I think that's pretty cool. And that's something I wish more of us could do. So I think it's very cool to hear that. Thank you. Lauren, when you're looking through the windows

of this charming 1920s house, what are you feeling? I need to replace the windows next because we're close to a street that's trafficy and it looks like another dollar, just like more dollar signs. I wake up and I look out the window and I think how much to double-plane windows cost. Cause we need them. Alex doesn't seem to be thinking that way at all about this house.

What do you think about that? It makes me, it does make me happy for him, but to see him so happy, because he does work so hard, and he has worked harder than anyone I know. And he supports me in all of my endeavors. And it's not easy, because I've taken on a lot of extra curricular degrees

and other, like, not only do I work for, you know, what I do, I also teach. I have like a lot of side hustles and he just supports me in everything. So I just think, okay, well, this is the one thing I can just, to see him happy does make me happy. Do you think that his happiness has to come at the expense of your happiness? Well, it is right now. Why? Because he got his dream house and he has his dream car. And, you know, he's very generous. I have very nice jewelry, I have very nice, you know, purses because Alex is very generous,

but I feel like my main goal is that house that I can't have now probably for like 10 years. And if you can't have it for 10 years, what does that mean? That, I mean, I'm gonna be old by the time I get it. 50 is old. But I told her. Well, but the people in our lives, so I want to, who I want to celebrate it with, like our parents and my nieces.

Like my nieces aren't gonna want to come stay out at a beach house when they're 20. My parents may not be alive, our parents may not be alive, so it's just feels like water just going through my hands and I feel like time is just running out. What is this concept of a beach house? Where does it come from? Well, Alex identified it for me that I'm just trying to recreate happy times in my childhood where we used to go out.

Well, we'll get there. Okay, so we'll get to the childhood. Don't worry, it always starts a childhood. But for you, when we talk about a beach house, is it a specific city? Yes. Which city? Carmel. Beautiful place. All right. And do you know the exact part of Carmel? You want to get the house?

Yeah, I'm pretty open to it. I just want to be in Carmel. So there are things that we could actually afford. Well, sorry, we could have afforded now, not because of the expense outlay on this particular, on the house that we're in now. So I know exactly I'm not even picky. I don't even care if it's a shack. So this is not about the, you know, status. I don't want the $10 million house on the beach. I just want the shack in Carmel and I'll be happy. So let me make sure I understand you correctly. You're not picky about your beach house. Or about the tent.

And you're willing to have a shack. It just has to be in Carmel. Correct. Okay, Alex, do you agree with that? Well, but I see there's a, there's like an oxymoron there with her statement because she says she wants the house in Carmel and she doesn't care that it's a shack. Okay, so a shack equals repairs, but she doesn't want.

No, that's not true. Unless it's in Carmel. Do you see the problem, Lauren? Here, let me explain. I didn't want a fixer upper that is a primary residence because I have to work from home right now. I don't want to be looking at mess all day long. But if it's my passion and in my heart, and I have to, and like I've told you before, when we looked at those shacks that we were going to buy, I said, I'll go out there and I'll paint it. I will

put the floors in myself. This is my passion project. Did I not say that? I did say that. You did. But let me put it in perspective here. Lauren doesn't really understand. I work in construction. What it takes to build a home to fix something. Now, you say that, but when it comes down to it, it's going to be a lot more grand than what you think it is. It's a lot more involved. You work in finance, not with your hands. So, that's kind of like your will being taking over reality in that aspect. And also to clarify our house that we just purchased, she makes it sound like it's falling down

and it's like this bucket. The house is beautiful. So there's nothing wrong with the house, except that maybe it needs new windows because the windows are old, single-paying glass. Other than that, you could perfectly live in the house with zero upgrade because we already did them. Okay, a lot of things to unpack here.

First of all, is it really just a windows issue? Because if so, how much does double-paying windows cost? We're waiting on the estimate, but probably 60,000. Okay, that's more than I thought. Okay, 60,000, fine, 60,000. How long would it take you to be able to afford that? Well, I could afford it right now, but then that takes me 60,000 farther away from the beach house. So what's the answer to my question? 20 years.

It takes you 20 years to afford 60,000 on a 425,000-dollar income. How so, walk me through it. Because we have got to come up with a plan to put savings to the beach house and then a pot for the home improvements. Because right now everything's just sitting in the fund, which was supposed to be for the beach house, but now maybe it needs to be for the double-pain windows. I don't know. this is where the confusion and I just wanna bury my head in the sand. Yeah, I can see that it would feel really overwhelming.

You have these numbers and the numbers are quite large. Your income, your savings, your mortgage, double pain windows and then this Carmel Beach House. These are pretty big numbers. And from your perspective, living in, I can imagine you're just like, oh my God, 20 grand here, 15 grand there, 60 grand over here. I don't want to talk about this anymore. Like, God, I just want to have a place to live that works.

What do you think my perspective is from talking to you and looking at your numbers when I ask about your double-paying glass? I think you're probably thinking like stop crying and you can afford it. But the but is is my amazing salary is contingent on a lot of things in the future, which I don't want to like waste too much time on, but I am dependent on inheriting someone else's clients. And anyways, I don't want to digress, but basically I don't have assurance that I'm going to be making that much money in the future, and it's going to continue to go up. Whereas Alex is just like, of course, it's going to go up. Why wouldn't it go up?

And then I'm negative for thinking like this might be the top of my of my salary. But I just want to be realistic. Like this might be the best that I can do in this career that I've chosen. I don't want to limit myself and I know that might be pessimistic and if it is, I may have to find something else or, you know, like increase the side hustles that I have going on. So. And could you do that? I could, but that overwhelms me too, but I could. I could.

What would it feel like if you were not overwhelmed with money, if you actually had a very specific plan? That I would free up time, probably, to do things that we like doing together, but I'm constantly worrying, constantly budgeting, constantly trying the new budget diet of the week. Well, you're not really budgeting, right? You mentioned it doesn't work.

So how much time are you really spending on your budgets? Well, I do still track all of my expenditures. It's just too hard for me to include Alex in his expenditures, because it's already hard enough trying to track mine. So I'm doing a lot like when it comes to like tracking and saving and investing. And does it get you anything?

No. So what are you doing in it? I mean, it is interesting to see how much I spend on groceries and skin care each month and gifts because I spend a lot of gifts. It's not that interesting. I mean, why are you doing it? I'm asking legitimately, you told me before we started here that budgets don't seem to work, they're like the diet, fat of the week.

And then now you're telling me you spend a lot of time on it, so why? What are you getting out of it? I think it's going to lead to something, but I don't know what. I'm getting something out of it that makes me feel responsible that I'm't know what. I'm getting something out of it. It makes me feel responsible that I'm tracking my expenses. I'll keep going. So responsible and I know where the money is.

It's probably has something to do with control maybe, but I like knowing it makes me feel maybe less out of control because I've got these Excel spreadsheets and I'm tracking things. Mm-hmm. And control means what? Ah.

That there's, and like that I'm not out of control, that we're not, I don't know what control means to tell you the truth. What parts of life are you in control and what parts of life are you out of control? I feel like I'm in control of myself. Like I'm good at, I'm very disciplined in my diet and exercise and I'm very dependable as an employee to my clients. And I'm very good, you know, I think I'm a very good wife,

and I'm a very good daughter, and I'm an excellent aunt, and I'm in control of those things, but there's a lot of things outside that I can't control if there's another being that's broken at the house. I can't control if I don't progress in this particular field, this niche field that I'm in, like, because it is very dependent on other people. And what are the commonalities of the things where you're

out of control? The money like the commonality of where things where I'm not in control. They're dependent on other people. In this case, in your financial household, who's the other person? Alex. Uh-huh. And for the one at work, who's it dependent on? My partner retiring. Yeah. And how does that feel? I asked Lauren if she could just rent a beach house and create those family memories that way. could just rent a beach house and create those family memories that way. Most of us resist these different ideas because we have a vision of the way we thought our

life would turn out. We thought we might go to college at this college. We thought we might have this kind of job. We might marry this type of person and live this kind of lifestyle. Often we are operating on these scripts that were created decades ago. And one of the biggest insights that I've had from my coaches and mentors is to really push and understand what is it you're getting at. If you wanted to have this type of job, why? What does it get you? That way sometimes you can achieve the same goal maybe in a different way. So, for example, if Lauren wants to create

these family memories with a beach house, fantastic! You can do that. Maybe it means you can rent and do it now instead of having to wait 15 years to own. Owning is not the point here, creating the family memories is. Today's episode is sponsored by Element, a very tasty electrolyte drink mix, and I wanna read you a response that I got from one of our readers who started using Element recently. His name, D, he wrote,

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That's iwt.com slash B-A-B-B-E-L code Rameet R-A-M-I-T. Wouldn't be the end of the world if we just rent a house out there like my birthdays coming up in a few months. I can rent a house and invite everybody for the weekend. I could do it. You could do it. And I appreciate you coming on this journey with me.

Now I wanna flip that a little bit because you just went positive on me. I do it. You could do it. And I appreciate you coming on this journey with me. Now, I want to flip that a little bit because you just went positive on me. I loved it. What would be wrong with doing? Tell me the truth. Well, it's a little productive because that say it's $1,600. I don't know what the going rate is right now for just the normal house, with a walking distance of the beach, let's just say it's 1,600, 2,000 for the three days of the weekend, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. That's 3,000 that could be, or 2,000 that could

be put towards the down payment of being an owner out there. That's it. That's your big reason. Yes. How come you didn't use the same logic when you bought that skin suitable and all that dermatology stuff? Well, I have to have some pleasure. Yes, I agree.

You put money, a lot of money into your skincare. I have no problem with it. I'm not judging you for it. I think it's great. But notice that you never, I guarantee you have never said, Lauren, this money I just used for the dermatologist could have gone towards my down payment, so I'm not going to do it. So how come you do that when you're talking about taking your family and creating these memories in Carmel? family and creating these memories in Carmel. I have thought of that and it feels like there's just,

and I totally have had that rational thought of, why don't you pull back the expenses here and put it towards what you really want in that feels like a thought. And then I'm just like, oh, whatever. I, well, I kind of need, I'm like, oh, well, I kind of, I guess I'm contradicting myself because I think it's not that much money anyways.

The best insights are found in the contradictions. Mm-hmm. I love that you are running into the wall and backing yourself into a corner. I love that you are running into the wall and backing yourself into a corner. I love that because it's too easy for smart people to talk themselves out of the corner. And so my job is to help you get in there and then realize, oh my gosh, I'm grappling with these contradictory beliefs. I believe in self-southing, taking care of myself.

I believe in helping my family and creating these great memories. And yet, even though I have the opportunity in front of me to do that, I'm creating an obstacle to myself. And what is that obstacle you're creating for yourself? Not renting the beach house and creating the memories now. Yeah. The belief that you have to own. Even though you yourself know that it's gonna take you

10 plus years to be able to do it. This is not a conversation we haven't had before. You know, if the goal is for her to have these memories with her family and we can do it, then ownership is not really needed, you know. And making more money isn't the answer either. So I'm thinking that she's entering her own question. She's entering her own fear.

Every day I just feel insecure. I just feel that there's not really a plan in place there. A plan would give you what? Security. What does that mean? Security means that I might not have to worry as much. And then what? I don't even know actually if that would give me more security. Keep talking. I mean it feels like maybe I would I would just have some sort of predictable future. You're really, really getting close to the crux of this. It would feel like I would stop worrying, but finish that sentence for me. It would feel like I would stop worrying,

but even then, there are things in life that we can't control. That's right. That's right. So maybe you would get a succession plan at work and the worry would go away. How long would it go away for? 10 minutes before then I would think, okay, great. The clients that I didn't hear it don't like me anymore. 10 minutes, not even one weekend.

You know you go to a restaurant, you tell them celebrating and they bring out a little cake with some candles, not even one weekend. You know, you go to a restaurant, you tell them celebrating and they bring out a little cake with some candles. Not even one weekend. Just being hypothetical with how fear can rule my life when it comes to especially finances and especially my career. Okay, you're exactly right. Do you think Alex that maybe there's a way for you

to connect with Lauren so that maybe the two of you could start going towards this journey together? Oh yeah absolutely yes. Great that's a great start awesome. Now what do you think is a good way for you to connect with Lauren on this topic of the house. Perhaps being more open to discussing it? Well, let's do it right now. Sure. We're here, might as well. Might as well. Go for it and remember, what is the goal of this conversation you're about to have?

The goal is for us to connect. To be okay, right? Connect and then what did Lauren say that she really wants walking out of here? for us to connect, to be. Okay. Right. Connect. And then what did Lauren say that she really wants walking out of here? What would make her feel secure? To feel less financially fearful. Isn't that what she said in the beginning?

To feel an ask her. Don't ask me. Ask her. Lauren, you said, ask her. Don't tell me, ask her. Lauren, you said, ask her, don't tell her. OK. Would having one-to-one conversations about this topic,

about ownership versus renting and creating memories, would that, would that dissipate your financial insecurity. I don't know. I don't know if talking more about it, maybe. Yeah, might help. Okay, so if we had like a monthly meeting and we discussed our finances more so than we were. Technically, we weren't really talking about them with the fine tooth comb. We were just meeting our monetary goals. That's not really discussing them. So if we had a conversation every month and we were meeting our goals and talking about them, would that make you feel less financially fearful?

Probably. I mean, it could, and I think it's worth a try. We will be more in touch and not you don't have to feel like you're kind of swimming by yourself. Thank you. What is stopping you, Lauren, from feeling more secure? Is it having a monthly conversation? Do you even know what you talk about in this conversation? No. You guys are talking right now and you're talking about a future conversation. What are you actually going to talk about? Why don't we just do it right now? Okay. I mean, we need to talk about getting our savings back on track.

I mean, we need to talk about getting our savings back on track. Let's try that with a question. Okay. Alex, how do we go about allocating the savings when I just don't see any leftover money after the house? Lauren, I like your question. It was interesting. I noticed that when you asked the question, you said, hey, how do we create this savings allocation? And then you squashed it in the second clause of the sentence because there's just no money around. There's just nothing we could ever do. I mean, how has anyone expected to respond to that positively? You're actually backing Alex into a corner, right? How can Alex or anyone constructively respond to that? They're just going to feel like, oh my God,

she's setting me up to fail. Yeah, that's how I felt. Exactly. So can we try this again? Ground rule number one, let's assume positive intent. That means that Lauren, if you're speaking to Alex, you assume that he's a good guy. He wants to succeed with you. He wants to be responsible. He wants to figure out a solution. Alex, same thing. If Lauren is telling you something, she feels a certain

way or she has a question. She's constructive. She wants to solve it, right? Even though she may be needing your help. So that's my rule. Lauren, what's your rule? And then Alex, what's your rule? My rule is to not place blame on each other. Like, don't blame each other for anything. My rule is that we really listen to what the other person is saying.

Beautiful. Okay, let's do it. Let's take another crack at this thing. Alex, are you open to meeting once a month and setting aside time to discuss our finances and reinstating our savings goal. Yes I am. In fact I will go a step further and say to ask you what you envision that savings amount to be. Okay just start at start at we could put a side $500 a month. And emergency fund. It's 500 each to save it. Correct. And that would make you feel financially secure.

Well, at least that we're working on something and not just spending everything. Let me pause. This is fantastic. Just a quick note, Alex, ask her open ended questions. You said that will make you feel financially secure, flip that and say, I think we can make that happen. If we did, how would that make you feel? Go ahead.

Lauren, if we did the $500 each savings every month, how would that make you feel? That would make me feel that we're back to being building up our savings and not spending everything. Okay, great. I'm for it. I would say that beginning, well, it's today's the first, right?

So we can start this month. It's okay. Let's set a day right now to do that goal. So like the 15th of the month? Done. $500 on the table on the 15th. For the same. How does that make you feel right now?

Better because now we're not just spending everything on this house. You got it. Great job. So I want to know Alex, how are you feeling right now? And if I was flying before, I'm flying even more high. You know, I get to keep the house and she's happy. Good. Very good. Lauren, how are you feeling right now? Well, I'm feeling that I'm glad that Alex is open to exploring the finances and seeing the need to save. Yeah, he seemed totally on board.

I mean, if anything, he was like, hey, let's get into it. What day? How much? Let's go. He was ready. So I love that about both of you. You really did assume positive intent. That was pretty easy. You just saved $12,000 a year. You both tend to defer things until later.

I mean, you spent 10 minutes talking about a conversation you were going to have. I'm like, I'm here. Let's just do it right now. So sometimes it's just pick the number, make a decision. If you're wrong, fix it later. Hey, we picked too much, we can't save that much. Okay, cut it down by 10% no big deal. Oh, we're not saving enough. All right, add 20% big deal. Pick it and after two months, reevaluate.

I feel I will only can only make us stronger as a couple, you know? I think if we're able to to save 500 each Maybe in six months or in a year we can increase it, you know And then we can keep going on that maybe meet you know has in our monthly meetings We can say okay, well, we're making X amount more This year, let's put more to the saving We can say, okay, well, we're making X amount more this year.

Let's put more to the saving. Yeah, that would be amazing, but we could decide that, you know, as we go along. Right. At least we have at least we have a base case to start. Right. I'm open to it. You guys are, you guys are too good. We're making my job easy. You wanted to talk about this feeling, feeling secure.

And we know that for you, Lauren, secure relates closely to this Carmel property. So here's what I'm going to say to you about that. First off, if you want to buy the Carmel check, you could. It's certainly possible. In order for you to do that, you would need to run an analysis, both just on the math. I think you would also need to really grapple with

being realistic. Would you be happy in a Carmel shack? Maybe it's worth going around and looking at a couple. And going in there, knowing point blank, I'm not going to buy anything today, or even in the next five years. But how do I feel walking into this shack that costs some amount? Legitimately do I like this or am I trying to convince myself of a childhood memory? Okay, I want you to get a little bit more educated about it. The second thing I want you to do with this upcoming birthday is I want you to rent

rent a place. Okay, get a place that is nice. Maybe if you want to be really diligent about it, get a place that would be equivalent to what you might one day buy. Rent it for a few days. Take a couple of your blankets, throw them on the couch, make it feel like home as much as you can in an Airbnb and just see what does it feel like? You're going to know you might say I hate this and an Alex might say, babe, totally respect that, you know, this doesn't feel like home to you. Let's give it one more shot. Let's do it one more time. We'll pick a different house next time. Maybe we'll even pay a little more. Let's just try it once more.

And if after that, you just don't love it. We don't have to talk about renting ever again. But I want you to create those memories now. Don't wait 10 plus years for some magical myth you've created in your head about you have to own. That message might just be the echoes of what your mom believed 40 years ago. You don't have to follow your mom's invisible scripts or your dads or anybody's. You two are high earners. You get to create your own scripts how you want to use money. So if you want to create memories, go for it. Rent the place just to try it out. Create the memories, order a nice bottle of champagne,

whatever you want. And if you love it, do it again. And if your savings are going well, your earning power is going up, you're putting money aside into this investment account, etc. You'll be able to project, hey, this is exactly when we will be able to buy. But your happiness will not come exactly when we will be able to buy. But your happiness will not come from buying a beach house in Carmel. I can tell you that right now. I can tell you, I'm gonna say it again because it's so important. Your happiness and your security will not come

from buying a Carmel beach house. What will it come from? The memories? Yeah, what else? Look at the two of you. Working together? Working together? Yeah, creating a plan, creating a vision

that the two of you love, a vision where one of you doesn't feel like, all right, he wants this house because it's got a backyard, I'm gonna go with it. No, no, no, no, no, that you love a vision where one of you doesn't feel like all right He wants this house because it's got a backyard. I'm gonna go with it. No, no, no, no, that's not a vision That's like all right. I'll let him have this one a vision is one that the two of you get excited about and we just Side when the two of you created your $500 a month vision. That was fun. It actually felt easy You can get the same thing with Carmel or Santa Barbara, wherever it is you decide to get your place. Okay. The magic is in the planning. It's

in creating the journey and then executing on it. The destination itself is like whatever. That's actually not the point. And so you don't have to wait 10 years, you shouldn't wait 10 years to feel secure. You can start feeling happy. You can start feeling secure in the next few weeks. Thanks for listening to I Will Teach You To Be Rich. I'm Remiit Sayte. Please follow the show on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts. To find our entire back catalog of podcast episodes, go to iwt.com slash podcast. I'm given away a signed copy of my book. Send me a screenshot. Show me that you're following my podcast on Apple

or Spotify and I'll pick one listener to send a free signed copy of my book right out to you. Here's what you'll find next week on the I Will Teach to be Rich Podcast. I buy what I want and I never look at the prices. That's really making my hands clammy at the thought of being at the store and like adding the numbers. If I was in my wallet, it needed to be a fun because I wasn't used to having it. you