If I Were You - 104: Berlin

Episode Date: September 25, 2014

In this episode we discuss freshman year romance, saving yourself for marriage, and fantasy football.This episode is brought to you by Ting.com and Stamps.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

I don't have a question to ask. So please don't put me on blast. I know that you've all heard this line. But I think that you're goddamn times. So everyone raise up your beers and let's toast and shake in a mirror. Their podcast is hashtagged all. And if they're less than I hope, they seize the chase. I beg any place who just says the chase. If I were you, I'd go to you. If I were you. Tight. Yeah, that was dope. Matt Radlow. Matt Radlow. What does that sound like? I always want to know what the songs that I like sound like.

Yeah, that's like... Is it like Blink 182? Yeah, it was sort of like a mix of folk and punk. Yeah, folk punk. That's why I like it. I love that type of music too. Blink 182 used to do secret songs on their CDs that were just acoustic and I was like very into it. Remember the secret song on Dookie? Yeah, I'm all alone. Yeah, I was looking, I was thinking of you. What are secret songs?

Back when there were CDs, before you uploaded them onto a computer you could just see all the tracks or whatever. And it wasn't listed. But if you just let the last song play. Yeah, sometimes you could let the last song play or sometimes it would just be an unlisted 13th or 14th track. Oh, so you can actually go to it. But yes, I think a lot of times the secret songs were just like... There are songs that nobody liked but they tried to put them on the record anyway. Like ones about Billy Joe masturbating. Well, I think it was like incentive to buy the record.

Like if you heard the secret song, it's really funny. Oh right, it's like staying to the end of the credits to watch something in a movie. Yeah, yeah. Either way, Matt Radlow. I love that song. I want to go on a three-man tour with him. Just like... Why? Me, you and Radlow.

Do you live podcasts across the country? Radlow opening up with the guitar. We should... Yeah, we never have any live band play for us when we... You know it's cool in the London show, which was destroyed forever. The triplets that we call them the triplets sing that acapella version of their song. Does anybody have any video of that? Not that I know, but maybe somebody there took a video.

Somebody took video of that posted on our Facebook page. Or YouTube. Or yeah, whatever, posted. Email it to us, put it online, illegally. Find a way. Because the venue charged us, they swindled us and we didn't record it. And they were like, alright, it's 500 pounds to record it. And we're like, well then we're not gonna.

And they're like, are you sure? And we're like, that's right, we won't. And they're like, alright, fine. And then we're like, oh shit. It's not fair. They called our bluff. 500 pounds? To what?

To hit record? It was very expensive to go to London. We want cash for that. The venue also demanded that we pay for our tickets and accommodations. Yeah, we also had to pay to record it. So we said no. We only pay for two things. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by me.

And I. I am Jake. And I am Bloomingville. And he Amir. This is our first episode we've recorded in a while. Our first one back from Europe. Our first one not in front of an audience. We survived.

Barely. We talked a lot, joked a lot about dying in a plane crash and it didn't happen. Total. Yeah, I'm glad actually. It turned out to our benefit, I think. First of all, like most importantly, more than anything, I'm happy I didn't die. Secondly, I'm glad you're around too. So you're happy you didn't die and you're fine that I'm around too.

I'm A number one. I am ecstatic. I'm here. I'm still here. I am indestructible, invincible. Yeah, your plane actually did crash and you were the only survivor. Yeah, not a scratch on me. That's amazing.

I actually spent a couple of weeks in a holding cell. They thought that I had something to do with it. Of course. Yeah, it looks pretty damning. Every other seat ejected except for yours. Evidence was stacked against me for sure. To be right. So we get emails from people who are in difficult places in need of advice and we do our best to give it.

That email address is if I were you show at gmail.com. We've been forgetting to say it. All right. Let's try to answer some questions. Oh, shit. We need a fake name. We give these real emails from real people fake names to preserve their anonymity. Let's do people we met in Berlin.

Okay. Who do we meet? DJ Max. Okay. DJ Max with three X's. Right. Look them up. If you live in Berlin or if you live nearby, if you're thinking it going or really plan a trip around following DJ Max.

DJ Max writes, I am a freshman in college and I have a problem with this girl. We've been friends for a few weeks now and we recently have started hooking up. Nothing serious. Just making out and stuff when we get the time. The problem is it's very early in the semester and we both think it would be unwise to get into a committed relationship. I really like her though, but she said she's not ready for a relationship for months or even a year. She said she likes me, but she wants us to be cool if we hooked up with other people. I'm willing to wait for her, but should I refrain from hooking up with other girls because it might seem like I'm not that interested?

Or should I just live my life and wait a while until she's ready? No. I'm cool. It doesn't matter. I don't want to get into a relationship. Should I not hook up with anyone while she hooks up with people? I still want to be faithful to her as sort of a goof. I don't want to tie me down.

This is the first week of freshman year. I love this faux casual. We've been hooking up. She's pretty tight. I love her. I love what we got the time. I always got the time. I just hope to God she has the time.

I'm sort of running around biding my time for her time and when those times overline. I asked her out, you know, wanted to sort of be more than casual and she said, I should actually get at a good point. Let's keep it casual. Let's keep it true. Should I not though? Should I just wait for her always? She'll be in college and I'll act like I have a wife.

That way she knows I'm serious or whatever. Not that I give a shit. No, no, no, no, no, no. Well, this girl's onto something. Like, have you, did you have any couples that became couples like the first week? And you're like, what are you doing so early? So early in the game. Day four.

You've, you've coupled up. I wanted to do that. Nobody liked me. So you found one girl that you liked. You're like, I will you be my boyfriend? No, I didn't find any girl. I was just like, I saw the people walking around campus holding hands and being like, oh, that's dope.

I want a little college girlfriend. Yeah, already. Like you're eager for one right off the bat. Yeah, I think there's something appealing about like meeting somebody the first few weeks of college and like navigating that experience together and also hooking up. That's cool. Right. But then you don't get to do it with other people.

I think, yeah, I think that like college is definitely a time that you want to be hooking up with whoever the hell you want. But it's, I can see the appeal of like the first couple weeks being like, I want to partner in crime here and I want that partner to be somebody I make out with. I can see the appeal for the guy more than the girl because the guy probably can't get every girl, but a girl probably has more of her options than this guy does. Yeah, that's probably true. But maybe this guy has more options than he thinks he does.

Well, he obviously doesn't think because he's like, maybe I should not hook up with anyone in case he decides to change her mind. Well, that just means he likes her. He doesn't necessarily have any. So what would your advice be? My advice is definitely don't not hook up with people because you think it'll make her think you're not serious because she's not serious. She just told you she wants to hook up with other people.

So I think if you put yourself in a position where you can be hurt by something like that, it's not going to feel good and you probably won't be a guy that's desirable to this girl. I feel like she used a good line, which is like she said that she likes him, but she wants us to be cool if we hooked up with other people. Like that basically means I want you to be cool if I hook up with other people. Right. Because I don't care if you hook up with other people. Yeah, just saying that is already saying I'm cool.

Right. So don't wait for her. If anything, it would make you seem more cool if you didn't wait for her. If you do wait for her, that might freak her out a little bit. Right. I think the coolest thing you can be is actually not to care. So don't hook up with people just so you can do it and say that you did, but also don't not hook up with other people because then you want her to look at you as some type of celibate prince.

I think you just have to legitimately fake it like you don't care for a couple days. Like a couple days and then you might actually stop caring. Oh, that's good. Pretend like you don't give a shit until you actually don't. Yeah. And then you'll find another girl that wants to stay casual and then you'll be really confused. Why doesn't anyone want to go steady with me? That was a quick one.

Do you have any, do you have, do you disagree? No, no, no, I agree. I say don't, don't wait for her to come back to you and then hope that she asks, how many girls have you slept with? And you go, that's right, none. She's like, why? And you're like, wait, what do you mean why? Isn't it good?

You could always lie if you think she wants you to be abstinent. Yeah. Like who did you hook up with? No one. That's so sexy of you. That way you got to hook up with people and you got the praise of not hooking up with anybody. That's the best thing about lying. Yeah, you can get what you want and then other people don't know.

You get what you want and then you tell people what they want to hear. Right. And then everyone wins because I've heard the thing that I liked but also did the things I want. It's a truly win-win situation. Tell me what the downside of lying is. I challenge you. I guess having a...

Didn't think so. A conscience, that a small part of your brain that exists. Dick. Flickering hope. Dick. That says, you know what? Maybe this isn't nice. You'll last.

I quite live with myself. Flickering hope. My entire body is on fire. I am all in fuego. It is a black charred corpse wasteland. I am a demon devil. I am smoke, steam of a scorched earth. Lying through my teeth, my forked tongue.

My teeth. The only part of myself that survived is charred nonsense. Just the enamel. So that they can freaking identify me as... That's right, Satan. How good was that opening theme song? It was really good. Radlow.

A bad, a bad mortician. I think this burden victim, yeah, he's Satan. What? Are you sure? He didn't just get charred skin? No, he's the devil, yeah. I think he's quite so much the devil. Radlow.

He's really religious. Radlow. You're going back and forth between the mortician and Radlow. So dance up, you're dancing and I... We need... Mudded on a beat. Mudded on a beat. Oh, female name.

Great. That's right. A female. What was the name of our tour guide on that, the walking tour? Ooh. Penelope, persipiny. Let's say Lydia. Lydia.

Lydia, the tour guide in Berlin. Highly recommend. I think it's called New Berlin Tours. All right. Lydia writes, I have a slight problem. I joined Tinder for literally five minutes as a goof with my friend. I swiped and swiped and got many matches in five minutes. One stood out from the others, both personality wise and looks wise.

And although before joining, I told myself it was a goof and I will not give out my number for this little handsome gun. I bent the rules just a bit and we talked for a long time, two days till five in the morning. Now here's the real problem. I have certain beliefs and yes, one of those beliefs is that I do not want to have sex before marriage. I know it's very silly of me to give my guy this number as I know what Tinder is truly

about. But from the beginning, I made it very, very clear that I'm not down for that shit and I told them my beliefs and dating is very hard for me because of my very strict family slash community. I still care what my family thinks and he said sex is very important to him but then he said he doesn't care and he just likes me and he keeps hinting for a date. Anyway, it's been weeks now and we are on Snapchat, texting and calling. He's asked if he can meet me and I said no.

What's his deal? He couldn't possibly still want to see me after I threw all that shit at him. What's going on? What are his intentions? Should I meet him? I'm so lost. Help ASAP. Love Lydia.

I really want to follow up Pup after we're done with this because I think the next email is that I fucked him. Or so this guy is hoping. This girl matched with a guy and she's like, I don't have sex before marriage and he's like, that's cool girl. I still want to meet up. Then she's like, why? It's kind of weird because it's like, what does she thinks that every guy will want to

fuck her so she might as well not date anybody because she doesn't want to fuck them? Well, yeah. Isn't that like how I understand? Well, I mean, I don't understand waiting till marriage, but I understand. Sure. Fine. For the sake of this, I understand it. You still have to date people and fall in love and get married and married.

Right. You were open with him. It's not like she's like, I didn't tell him about this, but he still wants to meet up. She said, I don't want to sleep with anyone before marriage and he said, that's all right. I still want to meet up. Whether or not his intentions are quote pure, shouldn't she meet with him? I guess like there's no harm in just meeting him. But then all she's doing is like, what he's thinking is, yeah, I know, nobody wants to

have sex before marriage, but let's go, let's hook up and I'll see how far I can get before she stops me. That's what it seems like he's trying to do. Yeah. I think all guys are monsters. All guys are assholes. He definitely still wants to sleep with you and he thinks he'll be the one that cracks the code.

Right. The family slash community code. Right. So should she meet with him? I guess while we're going to tell you right now that he wants to sleep with you, he thinks he can and he thinks meeting with you is his gateway to doing that. Yeah. If you think you're strong enough and you're still curious and you might find him attractive

and you might want to smooch him or something. Go for it. Sure. Why not? I mean, you have to practice dating without boning if that's what you want your entire life to be. I agree. She's definitely just practice dating, get to know somebody, smooch maybe, say what's

up. That's all Gucci. Maybe. But we're also just letting you know upfront his intentions are not pure. Well, what is pure? Like you think that he doesn't want to date her and never have sex with her? I think he is saying, I don't care, you don't have sex before marriage. I totally get that.

And he wants to have sex. Yeah. I think he thinks he can still have sex and it will be like some kind of ultimate conquest. Right. Like I converted this religious lady. Yeah. I assume it's for religious purposes. Is there a non-religious purpose to holding out before marriage?

It's if you just really lame. He's being lame a religion because I don't want to go to that temple. Would you, if you matched with an amazingly looking woman, an amazingly looker, an amazing look smith, a real Mary Claire model, a Christine Brinkley type, six foot six, if not an inch, 280 pounds of pure tits, Cindy Crawford, Cindy Crawford with an attitude and a rapier wit. Cindy Crawford meets Chase Crawford, meets David Spade. I mean, this girl's a smoke show and a laugh show. And she says, I'm down to meet up, but just know I'm not going to fuck you.

Would you say, never mind, hell no, or would you be still into it? This is currently this iteration of Jake. I would probably meet up with her just because I would be curious and I would be interested in making out with somebody. Right. Because at the very least, you could say you kissed a smoke bomb show. Yeah. And I think if it came up that she was like, I think maybe I do want to have sex with you

if I like, who knows if I was that charming on the date, which let's face it, I would be. I wouldn't be. Let's face it, I couldn't be. I probably would not want to do that. I wouldn't want that on my plate because she's like, you don't want to do that. You don't want to be faced someone who set up this wall. Yeah.

And somebody that wouldn't, didn't want to have sex until they were married and then has sex. And then your chances aren't like, okay, cool. I like having sex now. I feel like they're like, okay, that's the person I choose. And maybe like the way to rectify this in my mind is even though I had sex before I was married, at least it was with my soulmate, the person I'm going to marry. Oh, and then you're like, oh, that's way too much pressure.

Don't put that on me. Yeah. I wouldn't want to like, I wouldn't want to mean that much to somebody. Well maybe he's doing that thing that you just invented last question lying where he says he doesn't care, but he really does so that he can sleep with her. That way it's not the truth, but at least he will orgasm inside her. But it's different because he's lying and telling her something she wants to hear and doing something he wants, but then she's ultimately hurt.

I'm talking about white lies, like doing something behind her back. Like what? Like sleeping with her and then saying, you're the one, you're the one. I do want to marry you, marrying her, then cheating on her. And then he tells her, I didn't cheat on you. Oh, so that lie directly hurts her, whereas the lie where you're like, oh, I didn't sleep with anyone. Yeah.

It doesn't directly hurt. Exactly. Is there a difference in the lies? That's a question for a different podcast. Listen, we're not. But the quick answer is no. The longer answer is yes. It's only longer by one letter.

So pick up your bledged hands and ask, do you have another name? If we go to a third question, yeah, it has to be a guy, a guy that we met a man, a man with a plan that we met in Landon. Oh, wasn't that guy's name William, the one that we sat and ate pizza with William? That it just moved from Scandinavia or Sweden. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Sure.

William. There's people who we don't know. Also fake names. These are double fake names. I didn't think his name was William. All right, William. Maybe it wasn't. Hey, guys.

Coming back from spring break, a few friends of mine from high school texted me to hang out with them that night. When they stopped by to pick me up, a totally random girl came to my door to get me. I found this girl really attractive, so we talked throughout the night and hit it off. Our night pretty much consisted of everyone drinking in the back of my friend's minivan as he drove us around. Needless to say, one thing led to another, and I ended up fucking her in the backseat of my friend's van with people in the car.

Now, everyone knows me as the guy who fucks girls in the backs of vans or the van man, and I feel like this reputation is hindering my chances with other girls. How do I fix this? Help! Adding more fuel to the flame is that this is also my virginity story, so Jake, maybe you can provide some insight on this one. Oh boy, oh boy. Oh dear.

Oh dear. So this guy has a reputation of fucking girls in vans. One thing led to another. So needless to say, there's so much left unsaid. And there is need to say. It was moving. You guys started hooking up and you had sex in the back of a moving car with people inside and it was your first time.

That's right. The van man. That is... Yeah, his friends aren't very inventive. I've noticed the guy who fucks girls in the backs of vans. You know, what about the bang bro? It's not even good English. So what do you say...

I don't know if I agree with this, but I feel like you've said before, having a reputation for a sleazeball helps. Yeah, it helps me. So the van man is actually a good plan. Stan? Yeah, you have to start looking at yourself as kind of a pin. That's your problem. Right now you're trying to go for girls that would be disgusted that you fucked a girl

in the van. When in actuality, you're the kind of guy that fucks girls in vans. Yeah, dude, you're a little intriguing. It's a little badass. Yeah. I got off in a moving car while people were around. Imagine what I could do in a bedroom. Huh?

You like that? He should embrace it and walk around with vans shoes. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, so they're like, yeah, I am the vans man. The vans man. Actually, they call you the van man, do they? I'll wear one shoe. Single van.

That's why they're called vans because it's two of them. Two shoes. If you wear one van, it's a van. Yeah. Where's my van? Where's my other van? And now I found my vans. That's like one pant, one jean.

There you go. Yeah. How often do you lose a single leg of your pants? Yeah, a lot actually. I'm the van man after all. So embrace it is what you're saying. Embrace it. How do I fix this?

I feel like what you have to do is stop fucking girls and vans and that reputation will eventually go away. It's like a news cycle thing. This is just a hot gossip story for the week. Right, that's true. Just don't react to it when they're talking. Just laugh politely and try to change the subject or move on, but don't let it get to you because that's when people start really hammering at home.

Yeah, once you show weakness, they expose it. Do something even more insane. Every week for the rest of the summer, by the end of the summer, you'll be dead and everyone will have forgotten the van thing. Also, I worry a little bit about the girl. What's her reputation right now? What are people saying about her? I guess we'll never know because van doesn't rhyme with man.

Whatever you say and do going forward, though, should be respectful to her. Yeah, that's why you shouldn't play it up or play it down. You just got to act cool and casual. Right, I feel like one thing that people would do would be like, I couldn't help it, man. She was a slut. She climbed on top of me. Oh, yeah, don't throw her under the van. Don't throw her under the van.

Although a van man tattoo might not be a bad plan, actually. A van man tattoo for the plan. Yeah. That's actually really, you should just make fun of your friend who has a van. Yeah. You fuck girls in the back of a van. You drive a windstar. You're a loser.

Not even a minivan. Yeah, dude, fine. You're still, you're driving around in a minivan and I can still get fucking pussy. You suck. Is a minivan not a van or is a minivan a type of van? I don't, I guess I just don't think this was like a 15 passenger van. I think it was a minivan. Also, van, would you say van is short for something?

Would you say van is short? A vanagon. What? Van's shoes. I'm going to look it up. A van. Yeah, van is not short for anything. Bad name.

No, it's not. It's nice. I like it. A van. All right, embrace it or ignore it. Those are two very feasible options. Yeah, I agree. Let's take a quick commercial break and then we'll come back and talk about our time abroad.

Oh, what a time it was. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation, talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area. But BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient,

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Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Ah, let's fucking chat, dude, Berlin. Let's catch up out of a hundred. What would you give Berlin as a city? I really, it was very, it was up there for me. Yeah.

95. Holy shit. Yeah. That's, that is pretty high. And I'd only dock five points for the weather, which, uh, and we went there during the best time. Did we go there during the best time? Yeah, it was like September.

It wasn't too hot. Wasn't too cold. It was a little rainy. Yeah. That's why you're docking five. It was gray. But it was a good mix of delicious food, but also interesting history. Cool nightlife, cool people.

Yeah. Uh, and cheap. Yeah, it was affordable. City was very cheap. Uh, the funniest part, I think, was the, uh, absurd nightlife slash club scene. Yeah. Remember the tips we got the first night about the clubs? The first, I remember we were like, we went to dinner at like eight or nine or

something and, uh, yeah, they're like, you, oh, this club will open at midnight, but you like, it won't get going until two AM. Right. We're tired now. We thought nine was a late dinner. And we found out, uh, they're very strict at the door. Uh, we were advised to not look at our phones and not laugh in the line. Also some clubs, she was like, you want to go to this one, not till three or

four AM. You want to go to this club actually Sunday morning at 11 AM. So it's like, what, what are the times Thursday night until Monday morning? Yeah. The best time to go is on Sunday during the day. We kept getting email advice from people about which clubs to go to. And the number one club that everyone talks about is this one called Birgain, Birgain, Birgain, uh, and it's also a quote unquote, like the most

exclusive club and a bunch of tips were like, you obviously want to try to go there, but odds are you can't go there. Right. Just four stories of house music. Yeah. Insane, an abandoned concrete, abandoned concrete East Berlin factory. The opposite of this guy's friend's van. Uh, so you didn't, we didn't even try to go when you were there.

No. But the funny story is the day you left, uh, I stayed there with our friend, Marty, and we ran into two ladies on the street during the day. And one of them was a college humor fan. And they thought, since Marty looks like you, they thought it was me and you. And you never told them. Yeah. No, no, we never, no, we did.

We were like, no, this isn't Jake, but hey, I'm a mirror. And then we were talking to them or like, what are you guys doing tonight? And they said they were going to Birgain and we're like, holy shit, that's the club that no one says we can get into. That's the club that's crazy. Everyone's been talking about it. It's been so built up. And this girl was like, oh no, yeah, I've been living, she was British, but

she's like, I've been living in Berlin for six years. I know how to get in. Don't worry. You guys can come with us. We'll get in. Okay. So they, we meet, we meet them at a bar before this is a Sunday night. And she's like, it should be easy to get in if we go in after midnight, after

midnight on a Sunday night. And what she's like, this is one of the best nights to go to Birgain or whatever. Because logic doesn't exist in this universe. We're like Sunday night at midnight is the great night to go to a club. All right, sure. So we meet them before at a bar and she starts giving us the rundown on Birgain and what the hell goes on. She's like, first of all, you never want to go in a large group.

So even if it was a large group of 12 girls, we wouldn't get in. All right. Uh, you want to pair up or go alone, alone, alone. She's like, avoid the first floor because there's large, large, lots of dark rooms that people get dragged in and fucked. There are people there who drag you into rooms and fuck you. Just like, pull you in. Yeah.

And you, yeah, I guess it could have happened to me. Uh, and then she said that she had been there, uh, 30 or 40 times and never been rejected. All right, cool. We're ready. We're going to go to Birgain. We take a cab, not to Birgain, because it's like remote. You have to walk a little bit on foot through a very silent, quiet part of

Berlin, which, uh, before that night, I had never been to like a part where there weren't just lots of people around. So we're walking to the club and it's basically through this residential area. And you have no idea where it is, but all you can hear, like in the background is the deep house music. So it sounds like it's like far away. Yeah. Uh, after a 10 minute walk, we go through this gated fence through a

concrete parking lot. There's like people milling around outside and we see the front door and there's no line. And then right before we get in, she's like, okay, stop laughing. Don't speak English. Don't look at your phone. It was all those rules about getting into Birgain. Okay, sure.

I won't laugh. I won't look at my phone. I won't talk it, uh, speak English. So I'm with one of the ladies, Marty's with another. We're walking two by two. And another couple is walking in front of us that we don't know. Uh, the couple in front of us is like the coolest German couple I've ever seen, like guys wearing like a tight denim, black denim jacket, beanie.

Girls wearing a leather jacket, leather pants, high heels, just like what I imagine a typical Birgainer to wear on a Sunday night. There's no line. Zero line. We walk up straight to the bouncer who's, I guess, the famous guy in the bouncing community of Berlin. Uh, I look up and it's, it really is just like a five story concrete. It looks like a bond level, like an evil factory, basically like what used

to make terrible stuff, they flushed it out and then now it's just like this number one club in all of the world. It was kind of like, uh, you know how we saw edge of tomorrow a lot. Yeah. So there was these alphas, this giant mega headquarter that telepathically controlled the rest. Oh yeah. Birgain was that it was the alpha of clubs.

So the Omega, the Omega of clubs sent out just like house music to the rest of Europe by which it all powered. So we get to the front. The deep, the bouncer looks at the couple in front of us. It's basically three rows of two couple. We don't know me and one girl, Marty and another girl. He's the bouncer looks at the couple in front of us. Super birgain or German couple and says, uh, in English, are you here?

Is it all six of you or just you two? And they respond in German, just us two. And he stares at them and goes, you will not get in tonight. And they just walked off without even saying a word. They just walked off and then me and my girl shuffle up to the front and he's like, you will not get in tonight. I let out that laugh and I was like, and we just walk off. And then in the background, I hear you will not get in tonight.

Like, what was he even thinking? What was he even considering? What was he looking at? I started laughing so much. I'm like, what happened? She's like, I don't know. I've been to Birgain for 30 times. I've never been rejected.

Is it because I spoke English? No, you didn't speak any English. She's like, the girl I was with was like, basically he looks at you and decides whether or not he thinks he can handle Birgain. But it seemed like a game show. Like I was like, I think he looked me up and down. The music stopped and was like, you will not get in tonight. And we just walked off after a 10 minute walk.

She's like, that was not bad. I've seen people wait an hour and a half in line in the winter and they get to the front and he just says yes or no. And you just have to walk away. Jesus Christ. It's so mean. It's such a mean, funny environment. But I was like so happy because I feel like not getting in with such a funnier

story than then we got in and there was music and we couldn't dance to it. Or getting in and getting fucked. Yeah, getting fucked in one of the dark rooms. What did you guys do after? No, we went to another weird bad club. The clubs were hit or miss. Like the ones that played hip hop music were fun. But then most of them played deep house.

Right. Well, the problem is that you don't like that music. Neither do I. But like that's people for whatever reason, unbeknownst to me, people really like house music. No, it's like deep house. It's like the next level of house where it's like barely music. It sounds like what music sounds like when you're on the outside of a club where you can only hear the bass turned out turned down everything.

Yeah, it sounds like they started building a song. They did the first layer and they're like, you know, this is it. That's the song. That's just enough. Yeah, I mean, I don't like it at all. And you don't dance. You just sort of stare at the DJ and bob your head. Right.

Like hip hop is great because you really jump around. Yeah. And you know the songs. Jump around. There's a melody. Yeah. You know, this is why we're not going to get into a bear kind. Because the bouncer listens to this.

He's a huge fan. But other than that, Berlin was great. That's yeah. I heard that Berlin really was awesome. We got rejected from a couple of clubs before. Like I remember the first we got into the first one, no problem. It was like, oh, whatever. And then we walked up to two other ones where there was no line.

And so I was like, just assuming we'd get right in. Yeah. And then one of those bouncer was like, where are the girls? And I was like, hopefully inside. You can't come in. Excuse. How are we going to meet the girls then? I thought you were.

This is like that thing where you need jobs to have a job, but you can't get a job without job experience. I'm going to go in there and find girls. I assure you, I just can't bring them to. So yeah, that's my funniest story. Pretty solid. Yeah, I love it. Uh, let's try to answer one more question.

I'm just glad nothing really fun happened after I left. Yeah. Well, that was fun. The most fun I had was getting rejected from bear to kind. And since then I've like seen like there's a bunch of people are like, there's websites dedicated to how you can get into there. How like, how do you look more like you can handle it? I think, uh, you wear darker clothes.

I was told that was the thing like you have to wear black. I don't know. What were you wearing? I was wearing a bright pink Yankees shirt and a Tony Romo hat and, uh, and, uh, leaving Las Vegas sticker that lit up in the dark. I love Berlin scarf. Uh, leader, Hosen, I had, uh, what is it called when you had like 19 sausages that are in a case of those links?

Yeah, links. I had sausage links all over my body and I was holding a poodle and a single van, actually, the coolest thing you could do is if that bouncer is a famous bouncer, find a lookalike, have someone spy on him and like see what he's wearing and then have that person, like his lookalike dressed exactly like him. Try to get into for a guy that night. Oh, I can't get in. What about you, sir?

You can't get in because you work outside of her guy. Have you ever even seen the inside of it? No. He starts crying. They won't let me in. They won't let me. Gosh, actually, let's call this last one Sven. Sven.

This guy, uh, Sven writes. Um, Hey guys, I'm hoping you can help me out with this funny imagine this famous bouncer in East Berlin writing this. Hey guys, hoping you can help me out with this fantasy football conundrum I find myself in. I'm the commissioner of my fantasy football league with my friends and a co-worker of mine. The league has been going on for about three years now, but my co-worker joined

last year. The problem is all my friends are pressuring me to kick my co-worker out of the league, even though he won last year. They say he isn't cool and none of them know him and would prefer another friend of ours take his place, but I don't want to drop him because he's a pretty cool guy and knows football a lot. Plus it makes us look like a bunch of pussies to kick out last year's champ. What should I do?

Should I just kick him out and be a good commissioner or should I tell everyone to fuck off and deal with it? Thanks. Love the podcast. Tota. What would you do as a, you've never been a, I've been a fantasy football commissioner, so I can give some real inside info of you. Well, what would you say?

I think you've got to stick to your guns. I think being a good commissioner is about, uh, showing them down the right path, not just listening to their dribble. They're saying, we don't like this guy. He's a loser. We want to invite one of our friends. You say, this guy knows a lot about football. He won and I'm not going to kick out a winner.

I'm the commissioner. You guys have elected me and it's my responsibility to make these tough decisions. That is, that's pretty much true. I mean, this, I've been a commissioner. I've been asked to kick out somebody who, I feel like the only way you, the only reason you should kick out someone is if they don't, uh, like change their lineups or they don't take it seriously.

And it starts like negatively affecting other people. These guys are just mad that he won. Like if he won, you can't kick him out. He's better at this than you are. Yeah. And a fantasy football, you don't have to hang out ever. You just set your lineups and watch who scores the more points. So like they're like, he's so annoying.

Like how annoying could he be? You don't have to hang out with him ever. He's not even your coworker. You guys are losers. So, uh, the best way to stop him is to just beat him at fantasy football. Otherwise he has more right to be there than you do. That's right. Uh, unless, I mean, I guess it's like a draft thing.

Like you have to hang out with them during the draft, but that's a once in a year thing. So I would say tell these guys that, uh, unless he, unless he finishes last, they don't really have a good case to kick him out of a fantasy football league. There you go. Uh, I actually, uh, the real question would be, I was asked to kick out one of my friends sort of in a similar situation. He's like, cause he doesn't ever want to play like he never sets his lineup.

He always like seems excited at the beginning of the year. And then at the end of the year, he doesn't do anything and everyone who plays him gets an instant victory. So then I have to like talk to this guy. Like, Hey, uh, the next year is like, all right, we're raising the buy-in. It's like $50. I don't know if you really want to do it. You didn't seem like he carries like, Oh no, I'm in, I'll make 50 bucks.

I don't care. This is fun. But everyone's like, no, he never cares by the end. So we couldn't price him out. I can't say you'll bleep it. Oh, really? Uh, but now that league is no more. It doesn't exist.

So we don't have to worry about it. Do you, are you in a fantasy league now? Uh, we, uh, after a two year hiatus, basically fantasy football ruined my Sundays because you care about the little things so much that I couldn't enjoy the game anymore. Right. That's why I would, I got too excited or too sad out of every play, which I guess is like part of gambling in general.

It makes like the insignificant stuff feel like a lot. Uh, so our league sort of disbanded two years ago. And then this year, uh, I'm in a league with, uh, that was started on our Reddit, an R slash Jake and Amir league for the first time in three years. I'm back. That's funny. Uh, I had steel from our fans. No, it's not, you don't have to pay, but I basically didn't do a lot of research.

I'm like trying to convince myself that I don't care a lot. I'm like, I'll just fucking choose a few players and auto draft the next. And then like the first week, I'm like, I don't care. And then by the second week, I'm like feeling really, really into it again. And then, uh, my star player, Adrian Peterson, uh, is embroiled in some sort of child abuse scandal. Yeah. So now I'm rooting for this abuser to play football again.

And fantasy football has ruined my moral compass yet again. There we go. I'm rooting for a villain. Uh, I can't escape it. Uh, so yeah, basically this guy is, uh, as the commissioner, you tell them to, uh, suck it up and try to beat him. Thank you. It's like, it's like in real football, complaining that the team ran up the

score against you. It's like, these guys are such assholes. They keep fricking passing the ball, scoring on us. You're already up 50. You leave us alone. And they're like, you don't get to complain about that. You just have to actually stop them. I know I'm a millionaire that gets paid to stop them, but this is fricking mean.

Oh, great. Another touchdown. You should be on the field. I am on the field. I'm just pissed too, because they're fucking scoring. How is this fair? Uh, all right, that's it. That's our time.

Uh, oh, this is a bonus Thursday episode. A bonus Jonas. Happy Jewish New Year to you and yours. Uh, the opening. Yeah. And metuka. The opening theme song was by Matt Radlow. This closing one I was going to use on our hundredth episode, but then Ben and

Thomas just, um, recorded one for us. Cause it's sort of like a, it's a retrospectus almost. He made like a beautiful, uh, composition based on quotes of ours. And it's like a nice little wrap up, uh, to episode 100. But now it'll be a nice one to episode 104. If you guys have your own questions, you can email us at if I were you show at gmail.com. Also, if you have your own theme songs, email us, uh, as well.

Or thumbnails, which we've been posting when we post our podcast to Facebook. I think that's everything. Oh yeah. That song is by someone named Sam Baber. Sam Baber. See you Monday. I don't know. I love you.

You fucking just said that because I told you. Oh my God. I'm crying. You're, you're funny. You're funny to me. You really are funny. You're funny to me too. I'm your bluebird.

Well, congratulations. You are correct. Congratulations. Yes. You're correct. Seizethecheese.com is available. Holy shit. Oh, I'm not what you expected.

Am I? Bonjour. I said toadah. That's right. Hey, I'm just water. A restaurant, movie, parks. And a drug is from the earth. You know what I'm saying?

Unless are you hosting another advice podcast on this side? So insecure. To holding up my fingers, standing two bottles. You stared at the at the camera afterwards, a wing, holding a gray shirt and then flapping my wings like a goose. That would be funny if I just went into the bathroom and they heard the shower.

The shower going. It's with the shower. This is I'm allergic to dove. Choke Slick. They've actually done studies where it says girls are like clingy little shits and dudes are actually chill. Well, technically, she wasn't my ex when I did it. We are we are God damn safe.

Well, it took us a second to as we were in the room with the devil. Sorry, mom. Yes, thank you so much for continuing to listen to our podcast. If I were you, show at gmail.com. When the Dan Patrick show ends, it's over, the box score begins. Nothing is over, nothing. Join Pauli, Seton, Fritzi, McLovin and host Brock. Every day they react to the day's events.

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