If I Were You - 13: The History Boys

Episode Date: January 29, 2024

In this episode we discuss 1776, 2001, and 2019.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a Head Gum Original. There. Now here's one more effort for only positive motivations they swear. Seven. Another podcast. Seven. Each app different from the last. Seven. It's the Swiss Army Knife Now it's a two-empathetic whole Oh! Sadness Positive spin on an old classic. That's right, Monchi heard the feedback. He said, I've been seeing some people critiquing that the theme song is too negative. They don't like that it's a mean song. We wrote it.

Yeah. It's sort of this reverse of every kind of internet comment Which is like famously negative like these guys suck. Why is their show so positive? This is the opposite people were like these guys are nice their theme song is mean we don't like it. Yeah Hey, they didn't fail that bad Yeah, and so Ferris is like let me me update the theme song, do a positive version. I don't know if this is the new version going forward, but I liked a little something new. Yeah, we can use it interchangeably.

It's kind of cool. I mean, interstitials are going to be nice to us too, aren't they? Yeah, that's the goal. That's the hope instead of going assholes. It's like smart dudes or whatever. That's awesome. That's awesome. Although you could be smart and an asshole.

Most smart people are. Because they're so intelligent, they could figure out ways to be mean to you. Yeah. And they think they're better than you because they're smarter than you. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. When, in fact, they're not like they didn't do anything. All they did is just fucking be born with a different brain chemistry or something.

Yeah. And then theoretically, maybe they like studied and tried to learn it better. Oh, like they're more knowledgeable. Right. Yeah. Yeah. I guess there's lots of different ways of being smart. Yeah. That's kind of annoying actually now that I think about it.

Like there's only so much time in a day you can't learn about everything. So like this guy figured out how to game the system and be smart in a specific way. Now he's yelling at you about it. I was like, sorry, yeah, I didn't study that. I don't know what you're talking about economically, I guess. Back off, okay? Not everybody knows finances, but.

Yeah. I mean, I know finances. Yeah, right. Do you really? Yeah, like I know a lot about everything, but I'm just saying in general, if someone does it like other people, we shouldn't look down on them. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Is that what you're saying? So you're saying you're really, you were just saying that people were smart. I'm smart. Were assholes. You're really smart. At finances, the one thing that we brought up. That would be trying to be like humble and sort of game the system in a cheesy sort of wink wink fashion to be like, hey, by the the way, I don't know what I'm talking about, but then actually I am that smart asshole kind of guy. Right. What do you know about finances? Not finances, but I'm just saying in general, like world history, physics,

like I basically have a breadth of knowledge. I'm a master of all trades and a master of all. Yeah. Okay, so yeah, the saying is jack of all trades, master of none. You're saying master of all trades and a master of all. And a jack of none. Yeah, cause everything you even take on, even as no trades, as a hobby, you become kind of an expert.

You said history, so I'm curious what you can. Don't be curious. Well, I mean, I was fascinated by history too. Like, yeah. Okay, so you just know it and you don't even care. Can you tell me a little bit about? I basically figured out enough in APUS that I can like carry me.

Okay, US history. Let's check. I never really understood who was involved in the War of 1812. Do you wanna run through that with me? War of 1812 happened in 1812. It was between, it was like the, an extension of a few different battles,

like a battle here, a battle there. And then all of a sudden it's like, now it's a fucking war. And I think, yeah, that's, I think that tends to be a lot of wars. So, so you're saying, and like there was just fighting. America was just like starting to be a thing. But this was like before everything.

You're trying to put it like, ultra layman's terms. I could like, yeah. Tell me what countries were involved. The US. Yep. And for sure. And then a few others. Like, yeah, tell me what countries were involved. The US. Yeah. And for sure. And then a few.

I wonder who was who was president at that time. In 1812. Yeah, it was not. You said. Yeah. We said you were. You said it was. It was James. 100 percent. Yeah, 100 percent. Of course, 100 percent. You said it was? It was James Madison. 100%?

Yeah, 100%. Of course 100%. I don't say anything that's like 12%. I'm trusting. Do you mind if I fact check that? Fact check? It's a fact, Jack. It's a fact. It was James Madison. Yes, I know.

Yeah. And you, all right, so that's great. You said you know a lot about history. You did nail who's president in 1812. You did nail the, I guess the start of the war was a bunch of battles. You said you had a good segment. You were like, let's do this thing. Well, I'm curious because you said you were good at history

and then what else did you say, bio or something or chemistry? Physics, yeah. Physics. Okay, do you mind if I ask you a physics question? Please, like I feel like I'm being put on trial here a little bit, so like I am defensive and I'm getting like upset,

but like that's just like chemically, I find myself being sho hear a little bit. So like I am defensive and I'm getting like upset, but like that's just like chemically, I find myself being shoved a little bit where I'm like, whoa. The rate of change of momentum of a body is directly proportional to applied force and takes place in the direction in which the force acts. This is something called second law of motion, the law of inertia, first law of motion, or third, that's not one of the options,

or third law of motions. And I am, I can ask for a hint, but it would feel, I can't imagine you would want one because you're an expert. Do you want me to repeat the question? So that was a, I thought you were telling me something. You're telling, that was a multiple choice question. Yeah, right.

The rate of change of momentum of a body is directly proportional to apply for sure And it takes place in the direction in which an object. Yes. So that's an object in motion will stay in motion Right, huh? I don't know if that is what you hear what I'm saying an object in motion Right stay in motion. That's the first love motion. That's inertia. Is that that's not inertia? It's inertia. It's like, this body is going there. The thing that I just said, the thing that I just said, which is a question, which you didn't know it was a question at first,

even though I think you did, you did ask me to repeat it. I did repeat it and you're not answering. I think you're almost avoiding it. Okay. Give me the options. The waitance, because I tinkled myself a little bit when you were asking me.

Yeah, so I was like, I was split between like, okay, Newton's laws and then also I did a little duty while you were talking. What are you doing? You poo pooed yourself? I did a little duty in my diaper. So now like I'm trying to like put that away, decompartmentalize where it's like that's gone.

I guess that's good because yeah, you don't have to go to the toilet because then you would spend less time studying and learning, knowing shit. So like, why would you, or whatever the three options, you just do duty and you're diaper. It is the second law of motion, the law of inertia, the first law of motion or the third law of motion. Inertia.

It's, you think it's inertia, that's interesting. Okay, let's see. It wasn't inertia. That's, let's say that we narrowed that down to three now from the multiple choice. Because I do still trust the use of motion. Yeah, so is it the first, second, or third law of motion? Second.

That's correct. I mean, the thing is like getting it right is like all about paying the price. And like I feel like I did that To an extent to an extent. Yeah, so I was able to do eventually Madison I did do the second law and what is it momentum inertia? Momotion the period of shm does not depend on a SHM

Yeah, I say why don't we make it a simple what what does shm? Stand for in physics. Yeah Yeah, I say, why don't we even just make it a simple, what does SHM stand for? In physics? Yeah. SHM? I mean, the whole thing's a sham. Did you have to leave that? Nice. What does SHM stand for?

And it does stand for something? When you ask that question, it was like, by the way, everyone knows this, but now this is the question. Like, yeah, that question basically assumed that you already knew what SHM was. And we can still, if you want to just, you know, answer that question. Let's hear the question and I can sort of ascertain from different context clues with regards to knowing what different words mean and what letters they start with. The period of SHM does not depend on the phase constant, energy, amplitude, or all.

Are you coughing? I'm not coughing, I'm just thinking it's coming out in like a quick little burst. Boom. Yeah. Boom. So that's probably molecular particle physics. I want to say the third one. Yep, well, so you can't even remember what it is.

So I wanna say. You just, do you wanna just guess three? I wanna guess three. You wanna guess amplitude? Yes. But the question actually was, what does SHM stand for? And it's, I think it has something to do with like particle or molecule or something like that.

Simple harmonic motion. So it, I think it is still related to that first thing of like, yeah. I don't know any of the things you're saying I'm God, you're crumbling. Find myself guessing. Um, sometimes right, sometimes wrong and

focusing on the good, be the bad. In order to seem. Amplitude was technically correct. Really? Because I did fucking know that and like the way you like back me down. Well, the correct answer was all just included. Amplitude like why did I apologize for getting shit right? Now I'm like mad at you.

Like you're fucking inceptioning me to think that I didn't know shit, but I actually know shit. Sorry, man. Did you take, did you take physics in high school, chemistry, bio? Yeah. I took physics as a senior with a class of only juniors. It was, it seemed to be like a class for smart juniors or dumb seniors. And I was the only senior in it.

And I got a D in that class. I got a C. It's pretty hard. It's funny because it's like, well, put smart juniors or dumb seniors. It's like, no, they're all just like smart or dumb 16, 17, and 18. It doesn't matter if like 16 or 17. Because you're one year older, doesn't mean you would be a smart junior. Right.

You're still just a dumb teen. I don't have that much more life experience here. Yeah. Like they might as well put the smart seniors with the smart juniors with the smart sophomores. And it was the type of class where the teacher would just constantly talk in question and just call on people randomly. It was so stressful. You also know it's the worst kind of class.

Yeah, so you're just like standing there like, I don't know, I don't know. And then he says your name and you're just like, I don't, I truly don't know. I don't know what we're talking about. And like sometimes I would just get something refract uh, refracted light and people would just like snicker. Yeah, it's bad when the other kids are laughing.

Like even those students who roll their eyes at education thought that was really dumb. Yeah. It was like, wow, Jake, that was a clear guess. We're not even talking about light, but. Yeah, well, that's because I'm thinking about baseball. Obviously, I'm not thinking about this stuff. Hey, I'm pretty good at writing, guys. Yeah, does that matter at all in this class?

But actually, I think I had a D English to it. Do you care at all that I know what poems mean? Or like, that's like completely not part of this lecture. Wasn't fair. Speaking of high school stories, since this, I guess that's what this segment has turned into is high school stories. In ninth grade history, there was like honors history

that I didn't do, because I wasn't quote unquote good at history, which is just, I guess, reading a textbook and memorizing it. So there was like regular history that I didn't do because I wasn't quote unquote good at history, which is just, I guess, reading a textbook and memorizing it. So there was like regular history. And one of my friends noticed pretty early on that the teachers were Xeroxing tests from a teacher's textbook. And that was our tests every month.

So he's like, I could just buy this book on like Amazon and we can have the answer to every test We're like, all right, let's do that. And we just would literally memorize instead of memorizing history We would memorize the answer choices. So I would go in there being like a a b c d a a b d d c d and like Like yeah, you got 19 out of 20 you got an Right. So you'd have to get like one or two wrong. Would you collude with your friends to be like, I'm going to get 17 wrong, you'll get three wrong or something. So like, yeah, we guys weren't getting the exact same one.

Some people would get 100. They wouldn't be like that. It's not like that difficult. Like some people would get 20 out of 20, and we would just get 19 or 18 out of 20. We don't have to figure out exactly which Like some people would get 20 out of 20 and we would just get 19 or 18 out of 20. We don't have to like figure out exactly which one of us would get which one wrong. And it kind of backfired because I got an A in that class

and they moved me to AP US history in 10th grade. Oh wow. Which is like a next level of history. We like bypassed the honor. So it's like, all right, we're sending you straight to college level history. I'm like, oh no. And like no cheating in that class at all. And that class was just a really

boring lady who would literally for 80 minutes a day just be like, all right, let's learn about this thing and just read like read notes. That was the class. So just like watching a really boring movie every day of high school. And then in three months, they're like, all right, here's your test, right? An essay on the thing I said four weeks ago. I don't remember slash I cheated. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have cheated. This is all a huge misunderstanding.

Punish me. Can I graduate still if I tell you? You did so well in ninth grade. We thought like this would be just like a natural next progression. And I remember getting like borderline a C plus like eighty seventy nine and a half percent just enough for a D minus to save face in this AP US history class. You know, it's funny.

I feel like history. I thought history was insanely boring when I was in high school, like, but now I like history. And the idea of a sweet old woman just reading me 80 pages of history text sounds great. That's like, it's essentially a podcast that I listened to. Like, it was sort of the, it was the original podcast, but like, she didn't do a very good job of like, hey, let's make this fun or like, hey, let me teach you about this thing.

It's like, whoa, are you telling me about the 1988 World Series? I was actually about the XYZ affair and this is why it was just like in 1912, the Gilded Age started when Woodrow Wilson. I was just like, oh, this is so boring. I don't want to read it. Listen to you read a fucking textbook at me for a year. Man, history does like there's just there's so much like US history. There's too much of and then you like expand that to world history. Like I was a completely set. It was like American history for a year and I was like, all right, now let's learn about everything else.

It's like everything else. Jesus. Yeah. There's no way you could cram in everything else. Yeah. Like you, we talked about, we learned about everything else. It's like everything else, Jesus. There's no way you could cram in everything else. Like you, we talk about, we learned about the revolution, 1776, but what else was happening anywhere else in the world in 1776? I've never ever learned what was going on in China in 1776.

Like, it just- Do they learn about it in China? They have to. There's no way that they're like, they're learning when our country was formed like I because I don't know when any other country was formed So yeah, they fucking number one. They're learning about our shit. They're learning English over there. You hate us all right Yeah, that's me as you're not watching your fucking local TV. You're watching friends, aren't you? I bet you know what Shantler did in 2014. RIP, baby. Okay, that was it. That was, I guess, high school stories the segment. Let's take a break and come back with another one. Love it.

This episode of our show is brought to you by yet another podcast called See the Thing Is. Oh, yeah, folks. Are you a millennial? And do you miss what life was like in those 2000s? Those odds? I think I am, I think I'm the oldest millennial. It's like 83 to 90 or something. You were a grandfather millennial, that's where I am. I've grandfathered in, in between Gen X and millennial.

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Enjoy. Thank you. See the thing is have fun. Thank you to Babel for sponsoring this episode of our show. Thank you, Babel. A lot of people's New York resolutions is to be smarter specifically to learn a new language. And in 2024, the best way to do that is with Babel. No more studying abroad.

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It's like, you know delivered with conversation based learning. So you're having fun while you're learning. Let's hear your French Let's hear. Oh, my Oh, my, oh my god. having fun while you're learning. Let's hear your French. Let's hear... Au moi? Au moi? Je m'appelle Amir. He's so good. He's so good. Oh my god. He's Babylonian French. Good at French, oui. Babylonian. Over 10 million subscriptions sold. So if you're looking for a crepe, with jambon sans fromage, you can do that. You can learn French and up to 13 other language courses that are backed by their 20-day money

back guarantee. And here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now. You can get 55% off your Babel subscription, but only for our listeners at babel.com slash segments Perfect, that's 55% off at BABEL.com slash segments So check them out rules and restrictions may apply But learn that language as soon as humanly possible at babel.com slash segments fun folks. Thanks, Babel babel.com slash segments. Have fun folks. Thanks Babel. All right, we're back. Here's a slightly related segment that I've been thinking about for a while, but makes sense right now. Right. The segment is called, name one thing that happened this year,

not this year. history lesson throughout a year Yeah, yeah, it's it's very it's instead of history. It's just a modern current events But like right let's start with an easy one. What name one thing that happened in 2016 2016 yeah, so 2016 we that that is election, the Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton election. Okay. Even numbers are always a little bit easier. There's elections, there's Olympics, there's sporting events. Things happen in 2016.

Right. Where I get messed up slash tripped up is if you nudge it one to three years after that. Like for example, can you and feel free to play at home. It's not that long ago. Name one thing that happened in 2019. This is five years ago now. A lot of things happened in 2019. We were fully formed adults.

Yeah, looking for one thing. Okay, you can sort of talk your way through it back into it, like based on like things that happen to you. Do you like OK, what happened to you in 2019? Do you remember anything that happened to you in 2019? Let's see. So I got married in 2018. I moved to New York in December of 2018. So so that is basically- Right, no, yeah.

But as soon as I get to New York, that's that first year in New York City. What was stuff that happened that year? Where did I go? What did I do? This is pre-pandemic. We didn't quite know, yeah. COVID wasn't a thing yet.

Yeah, all I can think think is I went to Paris. What was going on there? Nothing, I think. Was there a revolution there? Notre Dame caught on fire. Oh, that's a good guess. Okay, Notre Dame caught on fire. I'm pretty sure that,

cause I went to Paris in 2019 That was when I got food poisoning and I couldn't go to the church when everybody else did but I remember that it burned down I was like wow, so I didn't go when I was there and maybe I'll never get to see it The Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris the the fire started April 15, 2019. You nailed it. Yes. Yes, dude. You got it.

Awesome. All right. Give me a year. I also know just from following Tottenham that they lost their Champions League game in 2019. That's good. Champions League final, which is kind of big. So I guess I could say who won it because I believe they lost to Man City.

But that was possible. But you could also basically always, right, I didn't remember that happen. You could basically always say that Manchester City won the Premier League. And you'd, you know, sports is kind of a great cheat of this. Or it's like, yeah, what happened this year?

So try not to do that. All right, let me, so I'll give you a year. Give me a year. Okay. Preferably an odd number year. Right. Let's go ahead, let's say 2015. Okay.

Solid. 2015. So, 2015. The years. This is also you describing the War of 1812, you know, just as little and you were 35 for it. Yeah, I was 32. We were living in the big house on the hill, I think.

Oh, we started head gum in 2015. I don't know if that counts. Yeah, no, but that's just like to help us place it. Yeah, started head gum in 2015, August. Mm hmm. We were living on that house, of course, on the hill. Classic. Yep. Classic.

I think we went to Australia, maybe. It was like the first year the Warriors won the championship. I remember watching a game in either Australia or New Zealand. Yeah, I think that was. Wow, when was I thought the first time I was either 2015 or 2016? Yeah, I think we we watched we watched Warriors games. I think it was like similar timing in both Australia and New Zealand. Yeah. But yeah, I think that was that year. I think that was like similar timing in both Australia and New Zealand. Yeah.

But yeah, I think that was that year. I think that was 2015. Yeah, it was the first year because in New Zealand It was the second time they won. Yeah, I remember it was a lot less interesting because they had KD then Yeah, and we were watching Steven Adams who's from New Zealand on the Thunder. Yeah showing those games and from New Zealand on the Thunder, they're showing those games. And now in terms of famous world events that happened in 2015, kind of weird that Obama was the president. Feels like that would have happened a long, long time ago. But no, Obama was president in 2015. Yeah, still less than 10 years ago.

I want to say the Notre Dame Cathedral fire. But there's no way the faulty wiring was installed that would would Notre Dame Cathedral fire. But there's no way. The faulty wiring was installed that would result in the fire. What about a royal baby? Like, wasn't there a royal baby that year? I don't know. I really don't know. That's a solid guess though.

Solid guess because it was like nine years ago. Kate and Will. I don't know much about that. Was it the Royal Baby or the Royal Wedding? Oh. That's a... One of those two happened on 2015, which would be a world event.

For sure. The Royal Wedding. That was what? Kate Middleton and Will Prince William? And everybody fell in love with Pippa Middleton, Kate's sister. The world met Pippa. Show me the royal wedding. Okay.

Kate and William, look it up. I'll say July 1st, 2015. First 2015 smack dab in the middle of our street. Smack dab in the middle of that year. Smack dab. Hold on. All right, so the first one I saw was Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, so that doesn't count. That's obviously not the one I was talking about.

Yeah. William and Kate plus eight. Let's see. Good Lord. It's so hard to find when this happened. Oh, sorry, buddy. It is 2011, 2011, which is another year you could have given me.

Yeah, let's see. Prince George was 2013. Few years later, they announced the arrival of their daughter, Princess Charlotte. So maybe let's see when Princess Charlotte was born. She was born in 2015. No, that doesn't count. You said we don't know what Princess Charlotte is.

It's not what I meant Yeah, I hear that. I don't know anything that happened 2015. All right. Is that what you wanted to hear? Was there a plane crash or some shit? Oh, what about the solid thing? Oh That was 2007. Yeah, that did I think that happened when we were working at IAC still. Yeah. So, okay, let's think. Where were we in 2015? Yes, I already did this fucking thing. We were shooting our pilot and TV pilot. Is that world news? When did the Syrian war happen? The civil war in Syria? Because that really marred our pilot. I think Russia launched its first air strikes in Syria in 2015. So it was, was it a civil war though?

Now I can't remember even that. There was something happen in Syria in 2015. The segment sucks for that. It's too fucking dumb. It's so depressing This is only nine years ago, and we have not a single recollection Yeah, I mean I would like all right. How about this try to think of anything that happened in the last ten years Okay, just one thing

Think it doesn't have to be on a certain date. Yes, it has to be. Well, all right, well, no, let's reverse engineer it. Let's take a look at Miracle on the Hudson. Sully Sullenberger lands his plane in the Hudson. What year do you think that is? Let's each guess, I will say 2011. Okay, I'll go before that, 2009.

And you know, let's fuck it, I think the balloon boy happened in 2015. How's that for a world event? 2009 is correct, you said 2009, right? Yeah, all right, now- How many people died? Accidentally. How many people died? Howidentally. How many people died?

How many people died during the miracle on the Hudson? I thought zero. Like, wasn't the whole thing that he landed the plan of the water and they all survived? That's correct. Yeah. Just trying to trip you up. That's actually incorrect.

There was a swimmer that night that got fucking sucked into the subterfuge. Nobody talks about him because he wasn't on the plane. Yes, exactly. A lot of geese were dead. I looked up 2015 just because we couldn't think of anything. And honestly, these things don't even ring a bell to me. Yeah.

I mean, there are some years that nothing happens, right? No, there's a lot of things. I just don't know anything. Cuba and America reestablished ties. That was a thing. Oh, yeah, I remember that. The Greek debt spectacle, the 2015 Nepal earthquake. These are large things that happened that changed the world forever. And they just nine years later, I don't remember any of them.

I remember the debt spectacle, too. But I don't think I remember that earthquake What else it can it kind of makes you think like I Don't know maybe we shouldn't be sweating the small stuff or the big really in nine years We'll either be here. We won't and yeah Maybe the Chinese stock market crashed in 2015 and that was a big deal to many But does it really affect me now? Oh no.

So really we shouldn't be learning slash caring slash doing anything for anyone because none of it really matters is what I'm trying to say. And this is the kind of history lesson that I didn't get in high school. They try to make it seem important to me. They do. And you know what? It's really all relative because in 1776, a decade-long period of Pax Seneca for China, a time of relative peace in East Asia, was led by the Qing dynasty.

And you don't know that. We don't know that there was peace in China during our Revolutionary War. Do you? No. Nobody talks about that, at least not here. Yeah. So let's pitch a movie called 1776 and it's all about that, that peace treaty in China. So like you think it's you think you're going in there learning about Washington,

Franklin and the guys and then suddenly, uh-oh, it's a rope with dope. That's right. This 1776 is about a peace treaty in China. And guess who wrote it? Jake and Amir. Did you hear about their new movie? They wrote about a peace treaty in China. Why? I don't know, they thought it was kind of

a funny little goof. Yeah, it's a little bit of a movie. To show us how narrow our viewpoint is. From the two guys who couldn't remember anything that happened in 2015. Rota history movie to teach you that anything is possible. We make our own history. That's awesome dude.

All right, let's take another break, come back and talk about literally anything else. I'm sick of being not knowing shit. Yeah. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our program. Yeah. No greater way to build an awesome looking website. It's true. Then by using Squarespace. Exactly. I've done it myself many times over. Trust me guys, if Jake can figure it out, you can too. Just like a cheeky, barely an insult. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You look stupid. There, that was easy. You could build a fucking online store, some custom merch, you could sell stuff,

you can make a portfolio, you can build your own personal brand, and you can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Jake, what could people buy? Two dollar deal. You guys have heard of two dollar bills. Well, this is two dollar deal. That's if you wanna to sell Dill online.

And obviously the price would have to be locked in at $2. Which is probably enough because it's just like an herb or a plant or something. You could probably still make a profit. Precisely, mate. So if you want to buy $2Dill.com or maybe somebody's name.com, maybe your name.com, the easiest way to buy that and to create that website

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Nice. Thank you, Squarespace. Thanks. Thank you to Rocket Money for sponsoring this episode of our show. Major ups to Rocket Money. Yeah, I mean, if you're looking to save money as soon as humanly possible This is the way to do it rocket money Scowers your bills for unwanted subscriptions and then we'll unsubscribe for you. Yes, you saved thousands when rocket money found

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Earn your money back by cancelling unwanted subscriptions now. That's right. All right, we've returned. Yeah. And independently of all this history talk, I also had come up with an idea for a segment that I was just calling oral history. Okay. But it was gonna be an oral history

and each time we'll talk about one year of our lives. So like. Oh my God, it's about me. So it's about actual shit that I know and care about. I'm sick of talking about oil and fucking energy crises. Enough. Across the US, but also Russia.

Let's talk about what was happening in South America in 2009. Scandals. I don't know anything about any scandal. Yeah, I don't know about relations. Err, err. Like, I remember one time just like reading, like I had a long train ride.

I think it was like 24 or something. And I was like, I'm gonna, I'm taking the train from New York to Connecticut. And I like bought the New York Times. It was the first time I ever read a paper and I read it from cover to cover on this train. And I was like, holy shit. There are like four different wars that I didn't know about. Like I only know about the, the main one in Iraq, but not like there was one in Columbia. And I was like, this is insane.

There's just there's just like armies fighting each other that I don't know about. Putting the paper down and like looking at the guy next to you. Sorry, do you have any fucking clue what's going on in Columbia? Because you're acting pretty nonchalant right now. Why are you so coy? Anyway, this one's about you and maybe me and our freshman years of college, which were two different years.

Mine was in 2001. Right, and mine was in 2004. I mean, my freshman years started out pretty eventfully because day three of school we move into the dorms on a Sunday. Tuesday I wake up and a bunch of people are in my dorm room and because we have a small TV like not everybody could bring a small TV to their room. Like some people are just like I'm just gonna bring my computer. I'll just I won't watch TV but like me in my room, they're like,

let's bring a little TV VCR thing so we can watch TV. Anyway, I wake up and there's a bunch of people watching the news in my room because it's 9-eleven. That was the big thing that happened like day three of school. And that's why I actually do remember what happened in 2000. I want to say one, but it might have been two or three now that I can't think about it. That was pretty easy. Yeah. So that's how my freshman year starts is like by 9-11 happening and I'm at Berkeley and like everything is so like free speech, liberal, radical, like the real terrorists are in the White House.

This is all because Bush, we're going to use this to justify a war and I'm just like a freshman like had a candlelight vigil be like whoa these people are really mad. Yeah. Wow. So that school was like up in arms even before. Yeah. It was like a liberal hotbed even before 9-11 and then that sort of launched an entire other reason for them.

Everybody there to be upset. Out here in the Northeast there was a spell where it was just like everyone seemed so behind Bush, no matter what. So I'm surprised that like even in September, they were like, Bush is still a bad president, he's gonna go to war or something. Well, I remember at one of my friends likes to recall this joke I made at this 9-11, like it literally was 9-11,

then that night a candlelight vigil slash speeches by people who were outraged. And one guy did say at the thing, the real terrorists are in the White House. And then I said to my friend, oh my God, somebody better tell the president, he starts laughing. Everybody else is quiet. And he's cracking up at this 9-11 vigil. Of course, the guy meant the president was the terrorist. Right. Yeah. The group is that, I guess. It was a Kiefer Sutherland-esque 24 expose where there was a terrorist in addition to the president of the White House made him crack up. We're at the vigil. Terrible place to be for two white freshmen who are like 18-year-old

Jews from the Valley laughing at a candlelight vigil in Berkeley. 18 year old juice from the valley laughing at a candlelight vigil in Berkeley. Well, I remember that I made a joke on 9 11 to my friends, too. That was significantly worse. I think I like walked into the cafeteria and I said, they shot the president while he was pooping on Air Force One. That's pretty good. Actually, and then you said, Hey, can you imagine if Steve Oh, stuck a fish hook through his

fucking go nads and went fishing with Osama bin Laden? Yeah, my friend is like, Oh, my dad works in lower Manhattan. Oh, shit. Did he learn anything about how the president was taking a dump? He got shot on Air Force One. They should call it Air Force Number Two. I'm so sorry. Is, are you able to get to me on the phone?

Remember your college humor video that we never shot because it was too soon? I think it might be time to shoot it because enough time had passed. Guy who won the lottery on 9-11? That's exactly right. I feel like that's a perfect It's like a great lonely and horny episode slash. Yeah, I'm your ask sketch

It what did I do we like did I write it as an article and then we turned it into a script or was it always a script? I don't know it was it was a script either way But I don't know if you wrote it before we shot those kinds of things But it was a guy who was like trying to get amped about winning the lottery, but everyone was depressed because it was a national day of mourning. But you wrote it in like 2006 and everyone's like, well, this is probably too fucked up. Now that it's been 23 years. Could be time for us to finally shoot this thing.

I just tried to find it in my email We wrote us this is the only mention of it we wrote a script last year called the guy who won the lottery on 9-11 But that might be a bit dark. It's also only five pages long and we wrote it for college humor. We have okay, so it doesn't Was it doesn't seem to be this you trying to page it as a short film? Five pages long. I remember the script though. It's like the guy comes down,

he has the winning ticket, he comes down, he was like, fuck yes. And everyone is gathered around the TV. At one point he's just sort of makes a confident remark and bites into a pair. My mom works in building seven. There was some but like there's one of the friends who's like one mil. Yeah.

And acts is. This is exactly the script. She's like, damn man, I'm so sad, too. Well, well, shit, what else should we do? Like, Craig, what's the guy named Craig? I feel I feel like it would be insane not to do something right to celebrate a little bit. We should go out.

I feel like otherwise the terrorists went in some sort of weird way. Besides, we can't really stop what happened, but I feel like I just won the lottery because I did. We should try to find that script. I think John Grimm has it somewhere. We're gonna cast Jeff as the guy that won the lottery. Yeah, I mean, for a long time,

he were too afraid to make it, but I remember it was funny. And I think like, I mean, obviously there had to have been somebody who did win a daily lottery on 9-11. Right, well, or that, you know, did they do a lottery drawing on 9-11? Or maybe maybe at the very least maybe he did it on 9-10 and Yeah, he woke up to find out the news. Yeah, it seems possible with the other news. It definitely seems possible anyway, what

devastating slash earth shattering slash momentous change in human history happened during your freshman year George Bush reelection actually. I think that was, that was pretty big. There was, yeah, because we're like in the war. And it was kind of like, four more years felt like it was going to be four more years of that bad stuff. And then it was. Yeah. But like you were at a school where probably half the kids voted for him because it's like a small school in Western Pennsylvania.

Yeah. I think I told this story before that like the big events that I remember were the Yankees lost to the Red Sox in the ALCS. I believe they went up three nothing and the Red Sox came back and won four games in a row. And then you left school. I didn't get out of bed for an entire weekend. I was like so depressed.

And that was like, and I was like, I can't care this much about baseball. Like it's just, it's not worth it. I'm so sad. And I was just thinking about all of the guys on the team and I was like, they're sad. Johnny Damon is sad. Jorge Posada is unhappy this weekend.

Like I'm so sad. They're like already out there in Miami partying. You're probably much sadder than they'll ever be. But everybody on my floor was like a Yankee fan. And we were all, we, all of us were like sad together and we all hated the Red Sox. And I like felt camaraderie with my freshman year, like my boys are our dorm.

But then like, I guess a few weeks later, the election was happening and there was just, all of these guys were chanting in the hall for more years. They all love George Bush. One of them called me a kike at one point. I was like, I can't go to school here. That was after the baseball game.

It was like, it definitely wasn't 50-50 at Moravian. It was, I think I was like, you know, it had to be like 10 or 15% liberal. I was, I think I was like, you know, it had to be like 10 or 15% liberal I was I think I was one of the only kids that wanted John Kerry to win You're the only one that liked John Kerry and hated John Damon Yeah, or was Damon a no Damon Damon was on the Yankees at that point. Oh God, okay, you're the only one that like John Gary and John Damon.

No, I think Johnny Damon hit a grand slam in that game or something, or at least he homered. Did Johnny Damon homer in the 2004 ALCS? He, yeah, cause I remember, I remember being really amped cause Johnny Damon, he had like the caveman look He had like the long hair and the beard Yeah, and then when he came to the Yankees

Slime brand or made him cut his hair shaved the beard. I was like, yeah, these red socks are fucking crying over that But I think he was on the give them for that. I Think he was on the socks in 2004 Yeah, he was he was on Boston during that and then he came to the Yankees after socks in 2004. Yeah, he was. He was on Boston during that. And then he came to the Yankees after that. Yeah. Yeah. God, he was good. Wait, but you were a freshman year at a college and then you left after that year,

or did you stay for the next semester or something? I stayed. So when I was at Moravian, I that first semester, I like I did the normal amount of fucking up. Like, I think I skipped class a bunch. Um, I think I maybe like dropped one class or like elected to take it past fail or something. Um, my grades were not great, but I was, it was, it was all fine.

I was like going to some classes, doing decently, fucking up in other ones, partying, had some friends. And then I don't know what happened, but the longer I was there, the more depressed I got and the more I wanted to go home. And then I would like, like on Thursday, I would cut all my classes, drive home. I told my mom and dad that I didn't have class on Friday.

So they were just like, oh, great. And I would stay home from Friday to Sunday. And I was like, okay. Drive, three hours, three hours through the door. It's a long, long drive. Yeah, to do everything. And then I would, on Sunday, I would leave my parents' house and say I was going back to school,

but I would just go to my friend's house and stay there like another night or two, skip all my classes, go back to Baravian, or you know, two days or something, and then come back. And then by the time the year was over, I was like, I think I had finals in all of my classes, but you were allowed to leave.

As soon as your finals were over, you could go home. Some people had finals like into late May, some people had finals like that ended in the middle of May or whatever. But I just told my mom and dad like, oh, my finals, I have the first finals and they're all over. I'm going to come home like May 10th. Meanwhile, I just didn't take a single final. Did you have a plan? By the way, because they will find out. There's no world where you just are invited back to school. Honestly, I would have blamed it on the kike thing. There's no world where you just are invited back to school. Honestly, I would have blamed it on the kike thing.

Yeah. Yeah. In retrospect, I sure that. You want me to go back to that school? It's fucking filled with anti-Semites. Yeah. Somebody called me a kike. I loved classes.

I didn't have a plan. I mean, I knew that I wasn't going to go back. When I went home, I was like, I'm not going back to Moravian. So my plan was basically to get into Yukon, go to Yukon and start fresh. Do a nice bait and switch of the schools and then just tell your parents, Oh, that didn't work out. But I go to Yukon now. Yeah. And would they be like, wait a minute, what do you mean you go to Yukon now? I didn't think they would ever even find out and they wouldn't have because like I,

you had to log in online to get your grades and I could just like lie and tell them what they were. And I wouldn't be like, I got straight A's. I'd be like, I got three C's and two B's and my parents would be like, oh, that's all right. Not bad. Not bad. But I guess I'll pay tuition now. Yeah. Because they still have the right checks I'll pay tuition now. Yeah. Because they still have the right checks to the school. Right, exactly. So, and that is how that's what happened. So they, I guess the financial aid or I had like a partial scholarship to Moravian and

my dad got a letter that said that my GPA had fallen below6. So they had to, so I couldn't have the scholarship anymore. So he came to me and he was like, what happened, you had a 0.6? Did you take any classes? And then he made me log in and he saw that I failed every single class the second semester. So there was just not really. We would love a videotape of that moment to just be like,

was he mad, was he sad, were you scared, were you laughing, were you depressed? Depressed, everyone was very upset. Like, I think my dad yelled at me, I was in the basement, I was depressed, my mom was crying, she came down and said, your dad was crying. She came down and said your dad your dad was crying You've messed up every single year since high school and now and we don't think that you're ever like

We like something needs to change. What is it? Yeah, something something along those lines and actually my mom and dad both they both listen to the show now. So I wonder if they have that same collection of the story. Yeah, I would love to interview them actually specifically him because I feel like my mom will just she she will be positive in remembering. But I was like, I wasn't crying. That never happened. We were never mad or like or they're really like yeah, that's exactly what went down

Yeah, I think that they both told me before that they were like scared that I was never ever gonna You know make it because I just couldn't This is therapy you never talked about this in a professional manner. Definitely not. I had to have changed something within you because you then didn't just become a guy that works at a lumberyard from 19 to 38. Yeah, but I mean, school never clicked. You must have had an undiagn on something or other. Maybe. Yeah. I didn't get unmedicated. Only X Y and Z. The only school I could go to

was Southern because there wasn't an application you just paid and you can take a class there. So I took like two classes. Yeah. I took two classes at Southern and I think it happened again. Like maybe maybe my parents were like, let's not overload you, take two classes. And I failed one and I got a C or a D in the other. And maybe I even failed both of them. I feel like 9-11 happened during my freshman year

and your story is more depressing if that makes sense. Like why do you have a sadder freshman year than mine which literally started with mine? Yeah, yeah, they were really all bad basically until junior year. And then what happened junior year? Like it's not like you then got ADHD diagnosed and started taking Adderall and started focusing and went to school.

Yeah. Well, during sophomore year, it all started with freshman diagnosed and started taking Adderall and started focusing and went to school. Yeah. Well, during sophomore year, it all started with freshman year when I was depressed alone in the dorm room, I was looking at College Humor and I read articles then. I believe I read something you wrote and I read something Streeter wrote. And then I submitted kind of, and then I didn't submit anything then, but I was home for the summer after I had gotten, after I had like flunked out, submitted an article. It was like, you have to submit a writing sample was what it was asking for.

And I submitted a writing sample for something I had written. Cause I was always like interested in writing. I tried to submit something to like the New Haven Register. Guy who won the lottery on 9-11. Yeah, exactly. And I submitted that as a writing sample to Streeter being like, could I write college humor articles? And he was like, this is great,

but it's too specific to New Haven. Cause I think the article was like first date ideas that you can do for cheap in New Haven. And he was like, this is too specific. And I was, and he asked me to change it. And I still remember my first article was something called the lost art of the first date. And, and I like wrote it. And I think it was was all in the character of some confident jackass.

It was basically a bad day. It was lonely and horny in 2004. Right. So you did that while in school and then something happened. Or while waiting to go to Southern. So then I was like fucking up at Southern but every month or two I would have an article on College Humor that remember back in days, the articles were like 500 words and they would sit on

the front page for like three or four days. You could have an article there for the weekend. So I think that like having some semblance of success and something that was going well helped me one keep, one feel like my life wasn't completely failing, but it also made me give up on school fast. Cause I was like, well, why do I need to go to Southern? I have an article on college humor, which you know, is an impressive to my parents because. Did they ever want you to see a counselor

or anything like that. No, no, they weren't like therapy slash medication slash something. I wonder if that happened. Definitely not. Everything would have been different. Yeah, maybe so. Maybe they would have made me take medicine, but like back then, way back then, way back in 2004, you were just allowed to have ADHD,

but I don't think I really had ADHD. I think I was lazy. I don't know what that diagnosis would be. You're kind of interesting to talk to a therapist about it too. Maybe I'll go, but everything's fine now. Everything turned out well. So jokes on you, I guess.

I didn't have to learn anything about myself. I just sort of backed into a job. But at College Humor, did you take it a lot more seriously than school? Or were you like, did you have the same habits at school as you did at the job? Yeah, I feel like one of the excuses I always had for being bad at school was like, I don't want to go to school, I know what I wanna do. And I knew that I wanted to write, I knew I wanted to be a writer. But I mean, if I had a kid that was saying that to me now,

I would be like, well, you have to do well at everything to prove that you can also do the thing that you like well. But I was just like so entitled that I was like, no, I'm gonna fail biology because I'm a writer. I was like, well, you're 17. You're not anything. You're not a biologist or a writer, actually.

Yeah. You're actually just some piece of shit living rent free in the basement, stealing the car on the weekends. Do you think if you went to high school or some sort of school now, you would fall back into that negative feedback loop or you're like, now I have sort of school now, you would fall back into that negative feedback loop or you're like, now I have sort of overcome it and I'm interested and I'm down to learn and blah, blah, blah.

I think now I view myself as being slightly more collaborative and aware of people's feelings and efforts. If I went back to school or something now, even if I wasn't into it, I think I would value the teacher's time and respect them, which was something I didn't do as a child, as a shitty teenage boy. Yeah. There's nothing, there's nothing a teenage boy does less than respecting other people's time slash adults in general, especially at school.

This is a great segment. Let's next time not talk about me and we'll like pull out one of your report cards or something. Did you have like written report cards? We must have had them just sent to our house, but I don't know if my mom like kept any of them. Also now that I admitted to cheating, I might get my high school diploma revoked. Let's get your records. Just break into the milk and community high school database and see how I did. Be awesome.

I'm sure it would be very boring and fine. Like half V plus is half A minus is right. Yeah, I think in our school, we had like the teachers had to like write paragraphs about us. So it wasn't, we got grades, but they had to be explained. Yes, exactly.

Much more holistic. Ours was very just like, you got an 88. That's a B plus. Buy. Yeah. When I was in public school, the report card was just the letters next to the names of the class.

But then when I went to Hampton Hall, it was more about the page and a half. Just a little tab. Don't worry about the B minus. We don't like to think about that. I wanna talk to you. It's gotta be, but he's actually pretty bad beyond that. Don't think the B is fine.

Yeah. All right. Interesting episode. History slash personal history. So maybe next time we could talk about the future a little bit. I love that. I'm sick of the past. Yeah. Speaking of the future, we're still making a Patreon videos on patreon.com.

We're watching more and more Jake and Amir videos. We're watching fired. I guess that is more about the past. Right. And we watch probably 300 Jake and Amir's at this point, maybe even more. Yeah. And they're all amazing.

They're all incredibly each better than the last. So you can check that out at patreon.com slash J.A. And of course, we'll be back here next week. We're doing these on video as well so you can watch it on our YouTube channel. So watch us, listen to us. We appreciate it either way. And we'll be back next week. Peace.

Thanks again, Ferris, for the positive theme. Yeah, by everybody. That was a hit gum original.