If I Were You - 13: The Necklace

Episode Date: July 29, 2013

In this episode we discuss high school athletics, difficult graduation decisions, and how to clean jewelry.This episode is brought to you by 20Jeans.com -- awesome jeans starting at... you guessed it... 20 dollars!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If I were you, I'd try to walk a mile and miss you. I'd do the things that I would never do that is assuming it was you. Yeah. Awesome. That was, I think, one of my favorites of always. Yeah. We'll give you money if you come and perform that for us. It's so like, what is it about it?

It's just like. It's kind of like passionate and passionate. But it's simple. Yeah. It's also like old school. Yeah. Like it takes me back to a time that I don't even remember. It's catchy.

Like boom. And then he also makes his voice sound kind of funny. It's like, I would never do. Yeah. So cool. Anyway, that's Alex McGuire. And this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet. It's hosted by us.

I'm Amir. And I'm Jake. We asked for theme song submissions and people sent some great ones in and Alex was one of them. It was, oh my God. I'm like, I really feel like nostalgic or sad or happy or something. You're sweating? And it was like 20 seconds long.

You're flushed right now. I've never seen you like this. You've never seen me flush. Amir's lying on the floor. Just staring at the ceiling. Holding a microphone on his chest. Shaking his head saying, what was that? I don't know.

I loved it, but I don't know if I want to feel this way right now. I was hit by an emotional Mack Trucker song. I was hypnotized by that song. I think I really was. It was like a spell. Oh, mercy. All right. So for those of you who are listening for the first time, this is how it goes down.

People are in a really, really difficult place in their life, just like an awful, stuck, in between a rock and a hard place, shitty situation. They're so desperate that they email us at, if I were you, show at gmail.com. People that aren't qualified to talk about, to give advice at all. That's how desperate they are. Because they can't pay a professional to give them actual advice. No, they want to just get free advice from children. They want to stop two morons in the street emotionally and just force them to talk about

the answer to their questions. Hi. I'm dumb. I'll talk to you about your problem. Hell, I'll make fun of you. Well, you want to do that? Believe it or not, a lot of people do. Yeah.

We get 50 to 100 submissions a day. Yes. And these are all coming to our email address, which is, if I were you, show at gmail.com. Yeah. We read them our favorite questions on the show, and we try to give answers. And it's every Monday, and you can listen to it at, if I were you, show.com or at iTunes. Although, if you're listening to it, you know how to listen to it. Yeah.

Here's, all right. Now, pay attention. I was going to tell you exactly how to listen to the podcast. Because up until now, you haven't gotten it quite right. You're very lucky, the fact that you're listening to it right now. Get a pen and paper, because it gets tricky. Okay? Someone just starts listening to it now.

Whoa. It worked. You woke up in a cold sweat. You missed the greatest song. That's what you've missed so far is one of our favorite theme song submissions. Other than that, you missed absolutely nothing. True. And every one of our emails that we read, we try to, we will read it verbatim, but we'll

make up a name to preserve your anonymity. So don't worry. Nobody will know that it's you writing. Are you really pissed at us? Because, okay, yeah. Whoa. So guess, they can guess by the tone in your email, but like, I'm not going to change that. Jesus, relax.

You're still mad. Okay, so what I'm not supposed to read. Who are you talking to? Sorry, I'm having a conversation. Who is this conversation? Yeah. It's on my head, I think. Oh.

It's like, pissed that like, just by reading their emails, we're outing them. But it's not really happening. No, it's not. But I can just sense that some people are thinking that. So chill. Yeah, I'm like, I don't know, after that song. Listen to the song again, though. Yeah.

I think that song chilled you out. That song is the personification of hashtag dope or the anti hashtag dope. We haven't decided yet. All right. Let's get into it. We haven't that much time. So here we go. This one is from Peter.

Peter. Peter from Australia writes. Now, down to the nitty gritty. Here's the sitch. I was dating this girl a little while ago and we broke up two months before her birthday because I moved to a different state. Now, just before I had left, I bought her a necklace to send her on her birthday. Now I'm sitting here like an idiot with a necklace and not knowing what to do with it.

Her birthday's coming up soon. What should I do with it? Should I risk sending it and her not replying or denying it? And me? And having to go to the nearest Starbucks and slip my throat? Ha ha ha. Thanks, Peter. Why is this a hard question?

We describe the questions and the problems as people that are in dire, dire need. Stuff between a rock and a hard place. And this guy's just holding a necklace that he bought for an act. Like obviously, is this a hard question to answer? For him, he doesn't quite understand it. So if you bought your girlfriend a present and then she's not your girlfriend anymore. For two months. It's not a present for her.

You bought the present for someone that doesn't exist anymore. She's a goddamn ghost. And last time I checked, ghosts don't wear necklaces. They'll fall off of her neck. Actually, I'm running a pretty chill short story about it. It's called ghosts don't wear necklaces. It's the sequel to ghosts don't wear t-shirts, ghosts don't wear shoes. Ghosts are always naked.

Like the theory of that things just fall off, go through ghosts. They should always be nude. Or they're always wearing ghost clothes. Yeah, that's true. The clothes that they dyed. Yeah, that's true. But then... Yeah, no, you're right.

Alright. Alright, man. Alright. Why are you acting like that? I don't know what's wrong with my voice. Alright, you got me. Okay, nice one. There you go.

Alright, nice one. What are you doing? I don't know. Sometimes I just like to really irritate people's ears. I feel like that character is holding a radar gun. Alright. Come on, red buddy. You guys can't see what I'm doing with my eyes, but it's really annoying.

It's sort of like the face of a Robert De Niro impression. No. With the attitude of a ghost Robert De Niro. It really will. Yeah, a guy who's sort of having a clever banter and then someone called him out for something. It's like, okay, we're done then. You're right. Okay.

It's sort of your you-do-you voice. Yeah. That's like half Yoda, half Drake. Drake Yoda. Drake De. Droida. A Google androida. So is there anything you should do besides not give it to her?

Also, I love the phrasing of this. Should I risk sending it and her not replying it? Yeah. I guess that's a risk. The lowest stakes ever. I'd hate to send this necklace and then not hear anything back. I don't know if I can handle that risk of not hearing back from my ex-girlfriend who I sent a fucking present to. After we broke up two months ago.

Are you really not going to say thank you for this gift? Say, give it to someone else. That's also really weird. Would you like a necklace? I don't know. Stranger. Donate it to Salvation Army. Do they take jewelry?

Yeah, totally. That's a really sad idea for me. When you say, oh, like Salvation Army, poor people shouldn't have jewelry. You ass. I thought of secondhand jewelry. It really grosses me out. Why? Like wearing a ring that's already been sweated on by another guy for like tens of years.

Yeah. Gross. We wash it. You don't wash jewelry. Yeah, you can. You can like put it in a pot and boil it or some shit. Is that true? I mean, I think so.

You can clean it. You can definitely clean jewelry. Boil it in a pot. I think you boil shit to clean it. I'll look it up right now. Boil it in actually miso soup. That's like a really cool technique. You got like a pot of miso soup and you boil a ring in it.

Really, this is a real thing. I was going to Google Boiled Jewelry. Yeah, and it was a suggested search. Boiled Jewelry to Clean. I wrote Boiled Je and it wrote Boiled Jewelry to Clean. I guess I'm glad I didn't say Boiling Jew. Boiling water. Many people who believe that boiling water is a good way to clean jewelry.

Yeah. Dot, dot, dot. Those people are 100% wrong. No, it works. Yeah, I guess Boiling's anything would clean it. Right? So that's my advice. How did this happen?

One mistake's led us here. One mistake's led us to this terrible search on my phone that'll be here forever. And even if I delete my history, it's in the cloud. The NSA is just looking. Someday I might have to answer for that. Boiled Jewelry to Clean. Some sad desperate search where like I've soiled jewelry. What do I do, man?

Do I fucking boil it? I got a stain on this ring. It's in the cloud. It's in the cloud. The fact that I searched that. I need to delete it from the phone, but it'll never go away in your mind. It's real. It's here.

Earlier today I Googled Mark Paul Gossler's shirtless. Your last two searches. You should post that on somewhere. I'm not afraid of posting my searches straight. Mark Paul Gossler's shirtless boiling jewelry. What's the one below that? I don't even want to tell you guys. It's Rob Thomas.

It's shirtless. It's not shirtless. Thank God. Rob Thomas boiling jewelry. Yeah. Let me look at mine. Let's see if there's one that's humorously embarrassing. This one's pretty embarrassing, but not really.

Bitrate calculator? That's embarrassing. You loser. This one's also embarrassing. ESPN.com. You Googled ESPN.com. I Googled Mark Paul Gossler. Mark Paul Gossler's wife.

Mark Paul Gossler's shirtless. Then out of them boiled jewelry to clean. You should look how to pronounce Mark Paul Gossler. It feels like you're guessing. Mark Paul Gossler. Mark Paul Gossler. I just want to see his fucking abs. I don't care how to say his goddamn last...

Zach Morris Dick. Zach Morris Dick, huge. Boiling water cleans diamonds. Boiling water cleans Dustin Diamond's dick. You're funny, man. You really are. That was really funny, I think. Why?

I can't believe I searched this weird shit. Oh my god. Don't send her the necklace. Give it away. You jerk. Give it away, throw it away. Boil it away. Boil it until it disintegrates and then drink a glass of hot boiling gold.

Dissolves. Holy shit, I drank it. Put it in a drawer. It doesn't matter. Just don't give it to her. She's your ex-girlfriend. You don't give her jewelry. You give her a friggin' explanation and that's that.

Um, cool. Ah, my face hurts. That's a good sign. If I were you. One down the thing that I can never do. One down the thing that I can never do. Alright, question number two. This one comes from Stewie.

Stewie. Fake name, real email. So my friend in class bought a new jacket, but it's not a normal jacket. It's the Ryan Gosling jacket from Drive. The awkward thing is, it doesn't really suit him and a lot of people are making fun of him behind his back, even taking Instagrams of him and hashtagging him. How do I tell him he should stop wearing it without hurting his feelings? Plus, he spent a bad amount of money on it.

What's the hashtag that they're using? I really want to search it. It's just so sad this kid. Like, probably like, it's... I mean, he's the type of kid who finds this jacket. Hashtag Gosling wannabe. He gets it. Who is this loser?

It can't be me. I'm not a wannabe. I am Gosling for crying out loud. Like, he can't really pull it off, or it doesn't really suit him. Like, it only suits Ryan Gosling in Drive, and even barely then. Yeah. It doesn't even suit Ryan Gosling. It suits his character, a fictional character in Drive.

Yeah, I mean, holy shit. Like, Ryan Gosling can't... Who can wear that jacket? No one can wear that jacket. It's like... Well, you want to describe what the jacket is for people with NC Drive? It's like... It's like a satin...

It looks like gold... It's like a gold satin jacket with like... It's like a white satin jacket with a gold scorpion on the back. Is that what it... Oh yeah, that's right. What the fuck? No, you don't... You can't do that.

It's like... I mean, it's also like so lame, because at least if it were like a really unique, weird jacket like that, it's like, oh, that's cool. He got like such a... Like, what a bold fashion statement. It's not a bold fashion statement. You're just wearing a weird jacket that you saw someone else in. Like, a carbon copy of Ryan Gosling.

At least get your own version of a unique jacket, right? Yeah, that character is cool not because he saw a cooler character wear it in a movie. That character is cool because he created a cool jacket from scratch. Get a black jacket with a spider on it or something. Switch it up a little bit. I mean, holy shit. You can't do that. You can't be like, oh wow, that's really interesting and unique.

It's mine now, I think. Now I have one too. And it's a little less interesting, a little less unique, but still very much intriguing and quite rare, I'll say. Not a lot of people actually went through the effort of buying a jacket. It's like seeing a guy with a one of a kind tattoo and then getting it yourself. You're devaluing the currency. This is the bitcoins of jacket.

The more you buy, the less they're worth. But he's asking. He's not the guy who bought it. The guy who bought it. We all can agree he shouldn't have bought the jacket. Yep. He's saying, how do I tell him that he should stop wearing it without hurting his feelings? I think honesty is the best policy direct.

Like, hey man, I think you look cool in the jacket. You think you look cool in the jacket and that's about it. People do not like the jacket. A lot of people are making fun of you. I don't care what people say about me. He definitely does. That's why he got this jacket in the first place. Isn't your go-to phrase, you do you?

Yow do you. This is the office list. Yow. Do you. Unless doing you puts you in the Ryan Gosling jacket from Drive. That's the subtext of yo-do-you, asterisk. You follow it to the bottom and it says, unless it's talking about wearing the Ryan Gosling jacket. I guess that's not doing him.

It's doing somebody else. Yeah, it's doing Ryan Gosling. He's not doing him. Be yourself, not somebody else. That's right. You tell your friend that. A bunch of assholes are making fun of your jacket. It is kind of lame.

Maybe you shouldn't wear it. I think that's the way to do it. Is there a way to do it without it? Maybe he has to have his feelings hurt. I think he does. I think he's going to hurt his feelings less if someone tells him what's up rather than letting him find the hashtag. If you're worried about his feelings, you should tell him now before he finds out on his own

and then it's really sad. But isn't this bad advice because this guy's doing what he wants to do and then he gets picked on and then we're telling him to change? Aren't we the bullies in this situation? I feel like he's doing this for the wrong reasons. I guess I'd like to talk to him and be like, are you wearing this jacket because you saw it, loved it, the same one? Yes, I'm doing that.

Because you thought that Ryan Gosling was cool in this movie. You want to be Ryan Gosling so people will think you're cool. So you went out and bought this jacket for a lot of money. It seems like those are the same thing. He just wants to be cool. But I feel like there's a difference between wanting to be cool and spending money on something you don't need to spend money on and wanting to be cool but doing it your own way. So the suggestion is it's fine to want to be cool.

Everybody sort of wants to be cool but there's a better way to go about doing it. I guess. I don't even know, man. I quit. Oh my God, really? This question just broke me. It really did. Really?

I'm done. Jesus. Really? We almost answered it too. I mean, I think you did answer it. No, I think it's... What? I can't even speak.

Yes, you can. You're doing it. I can't talk right now. No, you are. I swear to God. I think I'm like at a goddamn loss for words. You're definitely not at a loss for words. It feels like a cat's got my tongue right now.

It does not feel like that. It does. It feels like I can't utter a goddamn peep. I can't make a sound. You're making sounds. You're making peeps. You're stringing words together and forming sentences. I'm just being polite.

Yeah, I don't know. It's weird because I feel like on one hand I have this obligation if I can influence people to not spend money on stupid products and to try to be cool and not stay true to themselves and be like, oh yeah, I don't really know what kind of jacket I like, but this one was in a movie so I'm going to go buy it and spend a shitload of money. It's so much better to be like, I don't know, just to not let yourself get swept up in that. But then that's also not letting people figure that out on their own. This guy is really in a predicament over here.

Seize the cheese. That doesn't really mean anything here, but... Go to the website. Yeah, I guess this, all right, so the name of the show is If I Were You, right? So it doesn't have to be a right answer. This is what I would do in this situation, okay, so don't judge me if I get it wrong, all right? Dick.

I think if it's my friend, I say, hey, people are making fun of you. If you want to keep on wearing the jacket, I'm with you, but I just don't want people, like you're my friend and I don't want people making fun of you behind your back. Yeah, maybe give him all the information and let him make his own decision, like, hey, look at this hashtag, hashtag, GoslingDork and all these photos of you. Are you okay with this? Right. If you are, then I am.

If you're not, just letting you know. And I think you should talk to the hashtag bullies and say, you know what, buds? This actually is not cool. This isn't fun, okay? And then you just, yeah, I don't know. This question really did break you. Yeah, honestly, I'm not even sure if I can, I don't, yeah, no, I, oh my God. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

If I were you, I'd never do what I'm doing. All right, sir. We tried. Tell you, my advice is to tell your friend, let him know. You don't have to force him to stop wearing the jacket, but at least give him all the information, let him make an informed decision. There it is. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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All right. Next question. Totally different side of the world. Let's go to Brian and my varsity baseball coach wants me to play summer baseball, but I'm already doing summer basketball and football workouts and camps. The baseball coach said it will help my chances of playing varsity next year and they need me. Should I play summer baseball?

This doesn't count. You don't need advice. You prick. You're perfect. You're some advice. Be my friend. Yeah, you're a three sport varsity athlete that has your pick of which sport you want to play.

I'm just afraid I want to have sex because I'm just like maximize my time playing sports so I'm going to hook up with chicks. So I'm already hooking up with the head cheerleader, but like now the prom queen wants to sleep with me too. What do I do? I'm worried it'll hurt my chances. Yeah, shit. You don't have a problem.

This is what they call like the opposite of a problem. Would you say this is a good problem to have? I don't even think it's a problem to have. It's a good situation to have. Just a good situation to be in. You're so good at sports that three different coaches need you to play on their summer teams. Is it possible that this person is unattractive? In my mind he's the best looking guy in high school.

Yeah. Three sport athletes. Can they be ugly? I don't think like he's, no, I don't think they can't. Wait, so what a position, quarterback, if he's going to be quarterback. Quarterback shorts or quarterback pitcher and point guard. Amazing athlete. Chances are, what are the chances that this guy's very ugly?

Send us a picture of yourself. Sir, you're listening. We want to see a picture. I guess even if his face is unattractive, like an unattractive face on a very athletic body is not even. That's not true. Well, I mean, he might not have an athletic body. But he's doing three sports.

I was just kidding. The dude's obviously fucking ripped, cut, stacked. I mean, what is this guy's jacked, stacked, putting up racks. Your triceps are probably the size of my fucking legs, dude. I'd love to know how many dips you do. I'd love to know your max bench. I don't even ever try it, but I want to know your regimen, okay? I want to know.

I want to know your circuit. I want to know your diet. I want to know your regimen. I want to know what kind of clothes you wear. Okay? Are you a tight medium? Are you a tight medium? If you were a large, does it look like a goddamn small?

This guy wears the Ryan Gosling jacket. Everyone flaws. The coach is like, hey, play the summer league for baseball. It's going to really help your chance in varsity. We need you. Like, I think you're going to be fine. I think you're going to get, I think the coach is just like going to let you do whatever the fuck you want.

Yeah. You'd be like, coach, I'm going to do football practice this summer and you can suck my dick if you want. I will suck your dick. Yes, you will. I will suck your dick, Brian. Okay. Get that on your, both of your knees.

I know. Tell me that. I know. Two hands, crank it out. That's right. There it is. Are you an idiot? No.

Say you're a child. I'm a child. Say you're a child, Brian. You're a girl. I'm a girl. What are you? Will you be the DH too? And I'll say I'm a girl.

I will not do that unless you call your wife right now. I'll call her. Oh my God. I can't believe Brian's making me do this. I know you are going to do it, right? Hi. Charlotte? I know you are.

I'm sucking Brian's dick right now. I would never fucking play for such a pushover. That's right when it comes. That poor kid. Jake, you couldn't see if it was two-hand cranking throughout that entire bit. A super soft penis. I'm a girl. I really am a girl.

I really am. Hello? Yes. I'm a girl. You're a loser. I would never fucking play for you. Sploosh. No!

Brian! Dammit, Brian. Christ, man. That's not cool. That really isn't cool, dude. I'm going to give you one more chance. Go fuck yourself. All right.

Fine. I will. I really will go fuck myself if you think that's what it will take. No, this is sort of separate from the baseball deal. I still want you to do it. Absolutely. I'd like to suck your dick again. Just for me.

You're the coach, I think, now, sir. You're the coach of me. You're now my life coach. Oh, Mercy. We're having fun. You are funny to me. You're funny to me. You really are funny.

You're funny to me, too. I really like doing this. I like doing this, yeah. Like, off the podcast, off the record, completely. Like, you're funny. You're funny, yeah. I'm funny. You're funny.

I think, yeah. You make me laugh off the podcast, off the record. I think you're a good man. You're a good friend. And I think you're a funny guy, too. Thank you. You really do appreciate it. All right.

I appreciate it. You appreciate it. I really think, yeah. We're lucky to have found each other. All right. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, and it's fun that we get to, like, this is work for us. Yeah, this is real.

Yeah. We've, like, found a passion that just doesn't feel like work. Yeah. It feels like pleasure. It really does. It feels like pleasure. And it's pleasurable to be here with you. Yeah, and they say, if you find a job you'd love, you don't have to work a day in your

life. I really do feel like that. You feel like that? I feel like that. I feel like the luckiest man in the world that you feel like that, because I feel like it, too. I really do. I feel like I can spend the rest of my life with you, and I wouldn't get to work with

you. Excuse me? The rest of your life? Jesus. What the fuck was that? Yeah, I was just saying that I like to, um, I like hanging out with you. I like hanging out with you, too. But, like, yeah, even if it lasted maybe for the rest of, um, what do you think?

Well, how long do you think? Absolutely. That's over commitment. Let's take it day by day, bud. Day by day. Day by day. Day by day. We shouldn't have had nine drinks before recording this one.

We shouldn't have had ten. You-de-you. You-de-you. Um, let's take a little break, a little reminder. Uh, guys, if you like the show, a great way to support it is by listening to it. So thank you so much for doing that. Yeah, you're already killing it right now. And you guys can email us in at ifyrewshow at gmail.com, or you can, um, tweet at us

at Jake and Amir. And we also have a Facebook page, jake-facebook.com slash Jake and Amir. We read it all. We love it all. We appreciate every and all feedback, especially the constructive criticism, because we like reading it and laughing it and saying how wrong it is. We'll never change. Yeah.

Why would we change? We have a frickin' perfect game going. Don't talk to us on the seventh inning of a goddamn perfect game. Yeah. The pitch is on the mound. Don't make eye contact, okay? Exactly. 21 up, 21 down.

We got nothing to improve. That's what's up. That's what's up. I'm like, Davenport talking about it. The foremost thing I've ever heard was that the voice is the weirdest thing I've ever heard. I hate that shit. I know what's the best for me.

Because I am me! Because I am me. Ass dead. The voice is the weirdest thing I've ever heard. Ass dead. It's like, uh, Tom from Blinkman 82 as a teenager. Oh, man. We need ToK.

Shut up, Dad. Dad, no, dad, dad, I'm gonna, I hate you, dad. It's like that, or a 98 year old lady. I hate you, dad, I hate you, dad. You know, I noticed, like when we do the podcast, like when I listen to the podcast sometimes, we're both doing a voice like that. I like forget which one of us is talking,

cause like we both do the same exact thing. If we're doing, if we're doing this voice, you know, like, you know, like we're both doing each talk right now. Okay, let's play a little game. All right, yeah, let's play a game. So one of us is gonna talk and I'm gonna count through and you guys try to guess who it is. All right, all right, ready?

One, two, three. All right, all right. Who was that? So for example, that was Jake and this is Amir. Or in my line, maybe this is Jake talking. Oh yeah, this is Amir now, so. This is why we need a video version of the podcast. That's true.

Which we actually have done. If you haven't checked it out, you can go to youtube.com slash if I were you show and you can watch, we recorded an entire episode and posted that online. We're also posting little clips from that episode because they're more digestible, honestly. Quite.

All right, we're running out of time. Time flies. So let's get to one last question. Uno más. This one comes from another dude. I'm sorry. Ladies. Quagmire.

Sorry. Quagmire writes, giggity, giggity. Hey guys, so graduation is coming up Tuesday and my family really wants to see me walk and graduate but my super hot girlfriend from college wants to give me a little present at the same time if you know what I mean. So, should I graduate high school or smash my girlfriend?

You insecure ass. It's so funny because this guy's trying to be as cool as the last guy was. This guy, and he's also trying to be as cool. I guess the theme of this episode is people who are cool, people who are trying to be cool and just coolness in general. And then straight up liars.

My smoke show of a girlfriend is trying to fuck me in a closet before graduation. Yeah, what does he mean? He's trying to give me a little present at the same time if you know what I mean. No, I don't know what you mean. What do you mean? He wants to fuck you during the graduation.

Just to have sex before or after graduation. Also, you don't have a girlfriend. You know what, people who are in high school that do have super hot girlfriends, you know how they act? They don't email people and say that they have super hot girlfriends because they just already exist. This guy is just like, he has curled up into a ball listening to this podcast right now.

No! But it didn't work. What was he hoping? Yeah, let's give him what he's hoping for. Oh man, this dude is like, all right. So we just got an amazing question. This guy's like, OK, should I graduate or should I just get boned by his super hot girlfriend?

Are you kidding me? Dude, I was just. That's fucking amazing. This guy's like, honestly, I really want to say his real name. I have to give his fake name. It's Quagmire. But everyone will at school know who he is. He's graduating summa cum laude?

Yeah. Oh, fuck, I lost it. I know what you're going to say. Graduating summa cum loudly because he's getting boned during the graduation. He's getting summa cum laude, OK? This guy, I think, is a hero to me. This guy is my dad now.

He's my boss. He's my confidant. He is my coach, my life coach, my friend. He's my mentor. And I bet his girlfriend is such a smoke show. Yeah. Such a smoke show that you have to pay admission if you want to see the show.

Because it's a show of smoke and mirrors. Because guess what they have sex in front of? A lot of mirrors. Mirrors are involved. It's kinky. It's hot. It's awesome. He's awesome.

Should I graduate high school? Smash my girlfriend? Dude, you know you're going to smash your girlfriend instead. Graduation is for nerds and fucking is for turds. Turds is a cool way. Cool people talk about cool people. Totally, dude. You're a turd.

Tell all your friends, hey man, Jake in a mirror called me a turd. So yeah, there's your answer, motherfucker. Or are we the lamest people of all because we're making fun of this high school or on a podcast? Oh. I think he's still a loser. Yeah, come on.

No, we're cool. Yeah, people who have podcasts aren't lame. Do you think I'm cool? Yeah, I think you're cool, dude. Awesome, man. And you and you, what do you think? I think I'm cool, too. I really think so.

We're both cool. I think I'm really cool. I think I'm cool. I totally think we're cool. Yeah, you, by extension, since you hang out with me, so that makes you really cool. That makes you cool, too. Sorry, guys, we're both too cool, dude.

I'm kind of cool. Let's all be like, hey, we're cool dudes, and then you just nod or say yes in agreement. I wouldn't say yes to that. I wouldn't say yes to that, bud. I wouldn't say yes to that, bud. Sorry. The coolness already went to your head.

As someone who you think is cool, I don't know if I could just throw away that label willy-nilly. I feel like that would really compromise some of my- I can't risk it, dude. Look, I appreciate that you called me cool, and you know an hour ago I thought you were cool, but at this point I've been called cool, and I don't want to just, I don't want to lose that.

I don't want to devalue it by just fricking slapping that label on a generic product, and then if everyone's cool, suddenly I'm less cool, so it's not going to happen. You get it. Mercy, we are out of time. No! I'm sorry, but we're going to be back next Monday and every Monday,

and you can listen to the show at ifiroyoushow.com or seizethecheese.com, so seize the episodes, go to seize the cheese. I'm so sorry that happened. I shouldn't have said that. I really shouldn't have. What? I ruined it. No.

Seize the episodes? That's bad. But like I was already, there was so much momentum going into the sentence, I couldn't stop it. Yeah, no, you're, you're bad. I am. You're- God, damn it.

Ah, shit. No, don't try to stop it. Cry, that's fine. I can tell he's trying to stop the tears here they come, though. Can you finish the show for me, please? I actually won't. You can talk with your crying voice. I really do.

I deserve to speak through this. Yes, that email. One last time is at ifiroyoushow.com. You can email us in. We're going to try, we're going to, we always read every question, but we can't read them all on the show. We just got to choose the best ones.

I'm sorry. And, yeah, oh, T-shirts. Our T-shirts are still available at Busted Tees. You can go to ifiroyoushow.com to check out what they are. And if you want, that's a great way to support the show because you can purchase a shirt. Let's end the show with another theme song. Guys, if you have any theme song submissions,

those are starting to slow down, but keep them up, keep them up, keep them coming, and hopefully they can be nearly as good as the one that we played at the beginning of the show that I just want to play again because it's so damn good. Or because we don't have any songs. Yeah, exactly right. This is Alex McGuire's, If I Were You.

Thanks for listening, everyone. If I were you, I'd try to walk on my own issue. I'd do the things that I would never do that is assuming I was you.