If I Were You - 14: Mystery Guest Part 3

Episode Date: February 5, 2024

In this episode we guess another guest, we poetry another test, and we get back to our advice giving roots!Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Seconds! Another podcast! Seconds! Each app different from the last! Seconds! It's the Swiss Army Knife of Shoes! Now let's meet your two emphatic hoes! Seconds! It's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a two-way, it's a color was the upright bass. I was oh I thought you were like fucking a giant gorilla or something. Um no I was I thought you were like holding a gorilla from behind

and you were like almost fucking a gorilla. Almost it sounds like you thought I was legitimately pantomimeing having sex. What made you go to gorilla? Because I was like I was doing a flute, you did a guitar, and then at one point you stood up and I thought you were literally entering. I know what you thought I was doing. Yeah, I wasn't. Almost like.

With upright bass, anyone watching can see my. Oh, he's doing it again. You're choking the fucking ape. No, it's not choking the ape. There's nothing to do with an ape. You're being obscene. You're talking about bestiality. You're being crass, yes.

Yes, you're being crass. Yes. This is Segments, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. Yes, that's right. I'm Jake. I thought we'd bring back the advice at one point in the, that's right. I'm Jake. I thought we'd bring back the advice at one point in the show, but we're not there yet. We're not there yet.

I wanted to start with a classic, and it's about time we have a classic. This is probably our most recurring segment. Really? Yeah. That is, yeah. Not mystery guest. No.

Not mystery guest. Not guessing an age of random celebrity. We've done that a couple of times. That one's a classic too. This has to be the most classic fan favorite, could be its own podcast, poetry or noetry? Yes, poetry or noetry, a.k.a. poetry or nah. Yeah, this one was sort of, I tree, a tree, a poetry or not. Yeah. Yeah. This one was sort of I'm going to make it a little different because

my buddy Jesse, who listens to the show, sent me a poem and it's like, this one is a famous poem about Los Angeles. OK, like it's not that good. You could have written it. I'm like, oh, well, that's sort of an insult, but thank you, I guess. And so I found three poems about LA. One of them I wrote, and the other two are real poems about Los Angeles.

So these are all of the certain theme. I do love poems on a theme. Let me ask you, is the one that Jesse sent you part of this, or is that? Yes, it is. It's also a poem about LA. All right, so it's famous. You're not afraid that I might know it?

I know some poems. You know some poems, but I think this one was like, by an LA poet laureate, it wouldn't have reached your national sphere. All right, got it. So these are three poems about LA, one of them. I wrote the other two are, I guess, real booms or whatever. And I'm hoping that this sort of bypasses the whole,

like, I can tell you wrote this one because why else would you write about this? This is like, we're all written about LA. That's smart, that's pretty smart. But let's see if that narrow focus almost shows your hand because I know what you'd write about LA. So. Shit.

Shack the Cozy in Alley U for the ages. This is all, this is your third poem? Is that correct? Yes. The third poem you've written? We had Hot Moon. We had Sadie, we had Hot Moon. Yeah.

So, yeah. And at this point in your- And you did two, right? You did two as well. Yeah. I forget what mine. Wait, did I do too? I guess I did. Oh yeah. Yeah. I did do too. Right. Yeah. Yeah. You did too. I don't remember. A parking lot and yours was so bad. I honestly don't't remember. Yeah, well, I don't remember the second one. I'm serious. Oh, was the Mary Oliver one? But okay, anyway. Yeah, got it. Oh, maybe like washing your child or something. Oh, no, it was talking about how you write. No, the bath one was, I think, a real poem that made me cry initially.

That one was the, all of these things happen, but I'm still writing the poem. It's a poem about poetry writing. Yes, I remember. We should also say we've not gotten, we've not gotten the other one wrong. Like we've always stepped out the poem. Right, that's true. And I don't know if that's because we suck at poetry

or we're just good at knowing each other. Yes. It might be both. It might be that I know how much you suck at poetry and vice versa. But let's hear these three LA-based poems. Okay. Let me pull them up now. Keep in mind, they are three good poems.

One of them I did read. That's fine. That's good actually, I wrote them, one of them. I did read. That's fine. That's good actually, I wrote them, one of them. Maybe this one. Fuck, it probably is this one. Oh god. You're trying to duke me out with, just read the poem.

Okay. I love LA. I can't forget its smells. I love to make love in LA. It's a great city, a city without a handle. The world's most mixed metropolis of intolerance and divisions. How I love it. How I hate it. Zoot-suit riots. Can't stay away.

City of hungers. City of angers. Ruben Salazar. Rodney King. I'd take a kick its- I'd like to kick its face in. Bone City. Dried blood on walls. Wildfires. Taunting dove whales. Car fumes and oil derricks, water thievery with every industry possible and still a quote one industry town lined by those majestic palm trees

and like its people with solid roots, supple trunks resilient. Okay, not you. No. resilient. Okay, not you. How little we do deceive. Or much do I deceive. When I heard division, I thought there was a chance. You might have knocked some math in. But no, it wasn't that you wouldn't have the gall to put Rodney King's name in there.

It's not that I don't think you know who Ruben Salazar is. It's because I did get the chills at the very, very last line. Solid trunks and resilient, and you can't do that to me. Let's see the other two poems. Traipsing Wearily. You already know that to me. Let's see the other two poems. Trapsing Wearily.

Wow. You already know it's me. Trapsing, yours next. This is Trapsing, except for a guy trying to pull on over on me about poems. Trapsing Wearily, where Juan Baptiste Alvarado carved. where Juan Baptiste Alvarado carved. Arrant sermons echo into the San Gabriel. Now cars pulse down the highway path, lifeblood of the city measured in fuel.

Zipping down sinewy side streets past taco stands that stood before the locals. Now I stand before the locals. Neighbors in the hoods pieced together like a quilt, shuffled together to create the city of angels and king. And king. One singular king. Huh, city of angels and king. I'm not going to lie.

I think this one could be you just because I thought it was a little scattered. I didn't think it was. There was a lot of good poetry language in there, but I don't think any of it had a purpose. So it might be you, but it might also just be a poem that I didn't respond to. Let's go. Number three. Number three. The angels here have pigeons wings. I didn't respond to you. Let's go number three. Number three. The angels here have pigeons wings.

Blue collars washed in sweat. The common salt in tears. Tongues swirl in a stew of cultures. Singing asphalt songs in the midst of seagulls. Bebop atop the San Andreas. The second one is you. The second one is you. This one's also moving me. Ha ha ha ha ha.

It's true, the second one was me. You got it right away. I didn't even finish this one. This one's good. Why? I don't know. I really don't know. I can't even quantify it. I can't understand it.

It's just obviously good. I was yeah, my heart was a flutter as you're reading the third one. I felt nothing during yours. I was, yeah, my heart was a flutter as you're reading the third one. I felt nothing during yours. The streets, the taco stands, it didn't resonate with you, but this one did. Yeah, I just think that each line of your poem was a reaction to the one line before. So it wasn't like there wasn't a through line. It was like, here's the line, here's the response.

Here's the line, here's the response. Here's the line Here's the response. There was no poem you tossed in quilt to make it. Yeah quilt Angels and kings yeah through in some random Pros there. Yeah, the other way. I'll just like delete half of a line to make it sound more poetic like Trapsing where he carved. I had like carved into the mountains and I'm like, let me just cut into the mountains. So it's just a straipsing where he carved. Yeah, which it's it's I mean, I don't think that's a bad way to write a poem.

It's kind of interesting. It could be your style, but it's not a real poem. Let's well, let's finish the third poem. It was almost these have names This one is actually just called Los Angeles Okay, in the midst of seagulls be Bebop atop the San Andreas a humble plate of beings Hmm, yeah, I finished, you would have guessed me.

Right, bebop atop. No, a humble plate of beings is a very, very like, gorgeous way to describe all of the humans living in LA, like on a fault line, on a tectonic plate that can come crashing down at any second. I mean, that's really beautiful stuff. That one is by somebody named Kamau. Daude. And what was the first one called?

And who's it by? First one is the one that Jesse sent me that was like, you could have written this. Evidently not Jesse, jokes on you. I'm actually not good enough to write that. It's by the poet laureate of LA, or at least that's what he calls himself. Let me find his name.

Poet laureate, that should be me. I've written a poem about LA at this point I get a very least be the poet there Laureate of Silver Lake Louis J. Rodriguez Okay, and what did you say it was called? It was uh? It was like a love letter to LA. I don't know if there's a Is and is does your yeah, I don't know if there's a. And is this your? Oh, yeah, love poem to Los Angeles. Well, my name now sucks, considering you fucking guessed it right off the bat. Trapsing where he carved. It's farting around town.

The night diary of Amir Vlaavallery Blumenquie. But I didn't want to read that. Since you lost, you have to read it again. I think that's the only thing that you get if you win this game, is that you don't have to reread your poem. I'm over three, you're over two, we're not even fucking close.

Yeah. And you knew this one right away. Yeah, this one I sniffed out. And I tried to veil it with two other poems about LA. All right, let's hear Trapsing where he carved farting around town the night diary of a mere valve. Trapsing wearily where Juan

Baptiste Alvarado carved errant sermons echo into the San Gabriel's. That's a, you know, mountain range here. Yeah. Now cars pulse down the highway path kind of like, you know, blood flowing through veins or whatever. Right. Lifeblood of the city measured in fuel.

So it's like, you know, instead of blood, it's gas. Yeah. Right. That's good. Zipping down sinewy side streets. Now we're losing it a little bit. You're a little too focused on the cars. It's not about LA, it's about traffic.

Add in Astro notes. Yeah, just offering them for free. Yeah. Past taco stands that stood before the locals. Now I stand before the locals. Kind of a double, double entendre. I could tell you were proud of yourself about the locals. Kind of a double, double entendre. I could tell you were proud of yourself about the novel. Like that was a little, that was some author territorial intrusion.

That was the poet inserting themselves in the poem, which wasn't about LA. It's actually good. That was about you. That was about Blumenfeld. All right. Anything else? Neighbors in hoods, kind of like neighborhoods. Neighbors in hoods pieced

together like a quilt okay yeah but you didn't shuffle together yeah create the city of angels and King because I wrote city of angels and I'm like okay that's obviously too on the nose yeah angels and kings okay that doesn't really mean anything angels and King maybe this is. OK, that doesn't really mean anything. Angels and king. Oh, maybe this is about somebody that he doesn't know. Yeah, that's that's it was an interesting. I hate it. I hate it. Yeah, it's not a good.

I'll do this next week and I'll do it for New York. Yeah. And I'll be fucking good at it. Not like you with the fucking tacos. What was that? What's a taco? I stand before the locals, neighbors in hoods, sinewese side streets, measured in fuel and King and King.

God damn you. Yeah. All right. Good job, you, I guess. Good stuff. This episode of our show is brought to you by yet another podcast called See the Thing Is. Oh, yeah, folks. Are you a millennial?

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Yeah, you can't. He definitely can't code a website. Let's all have a life that Jake's expense me. Yeah, Jolly good. Yeah, it is. He's just a little dog. Yes, yes, he's a tea. Sorry, we were like, Jolly good. Yeah, it is. It's just a little dollop. Yes. Yes, isn't he? Yes.

Sorry, we really don't have like something else to say. You can't fucking insult me when I'm talking, huh? Is that right? You don't know how to talk at the same time as me? I mean, I can talk over you, but it's not totally me. Really? Hold on. Let me finish.

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Funny. And we're back. And we have to get right into this segment because I have a surprise Mystery guest for you. Wow, we're hitting all the classics today. That's right. I'll give you one hint It is not my wife or daughter. Okay, so it's not a repeat mystery guess. This is a new one. Yeah, right Okay, now I do need you to shut your eyes because the mystery guest has changed their name to mystery guest. Okay. But I wanna make sure that their camera is off.

So we're going to admit them now. Admitting. Welcome to the podcast, mystery guest. Welcome, mystery guest, hello. Amazing, mystery guest is on top of his or her shit. Whoa, that was a clue. The name is Mr. Guest. Oh. There's an audio echo, but that's obviously fine.

The Mr. Guest is gonna go on mute now. Yeah, that's an epic mistake. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's fine, Mr. Guest. We're not blaming you. You can't open your eyes. You can't open your eyes. Oh, we're back. And you're going to be asking a series of yes or no questions.

The mystery guest will respond yes or no in the chat. OK. Yeah. And you have 20 guesses to try to get to who they are. OK. I think I'm going to go at this at a kind of a different way than you usually do. You're trying to figure out the context in which we

know this person. I'm gonna use like straight up guess who rules wherein I just asked this person to describe himself physically. Okay, so let's start with right off the top. I want to eliminate half the people. Mystery guest, are you a male? Are you a male mystery guest?

No. No, a male mystery guest? No. No, the female mystery guest has said no. Okay. Mystery guest, are you over the age of 40? Very rude question No, how dare you wow editorializing very younger Younger lady. Okay. Mr. Guest. Are you under? Yeah, you want to guess how much they weigh now? That's quite enough. Yeah, actually Okay under 40 yearyear-old lady, mystery guest

have, or does your first name start with a vowel? No, first name does not start with a vowel. OK, mystery guest, does your last name start with a vowel? Is that another now? Yes, it looks like it is. Yep. That's another now. A female questions. And you've narrowed down under under 40 female.

Yeah. And their first and last name doesn't start with a vowel. I can't say I think this is a good strategy. Of course, you can't say I think this is a good strategy. Of course, you can. You got this wrong ones. You don't know what the fuck a good strategy is either. If it bit you on the ass. Mystery guest, have you seen the previous mystery guests episodes of this show?

Or is this all new to you? I guess have you seen the previous mystery guest episodes? No. Okay. So this is brand new action slash satisfaction. Mystery guests, mystery guest. Just because I know Jake is a cheeky little boy. Have we ever kissed on the mouth? Oh, my God. I need to know you cheeky little boy.

God, I need to know you cheeky little boy. Well, I ever got no. OK, OK. That eliminates a lot of the I do. I feel like I got every probably would have brought everything I needed. What has already happened? Like I did. I have I have considered inviting one of your exes on the show. Yeah, of course. And it's not, yeah, I love that you didn't trust me and you had to ask.

That's awesome. And now it saved me the embarrassment from actually having to do it. OK, Mr. Guess, go on. Are you younger than 30? Stop doing this. I'm curious. No, OK, that's fine. I'm now in a zone. Yeah Mystery guest. Have you ever done our podcast before? Have you ever been a guest on our podcast? Oh, there's a good question That's a really good question

Yes really good question. Yes. Wow. Wow. Unbelievable. Oh, you. She's done our podcast before. Yeah. And now going through my head, I can't think of any other women that have been on the show who wouldn't have seen episodes and Names don't start with vowels and that you haven't kissed Haven't kissed names that start with consonants Does mr. I guess does your first name are actually mr. Guess were you born in January? No, okay interesting Mr. Guest, were you born in January? No. OK. Interesting. What do you think it was?

Julia Noons. Nice. Not Julia. Right. You guys didn't hook up? No, but we has done this podcast before. A female guest in their thirties. That's done this show. Emily comes to mind, but her name starts with a vowel, quite frankly. Emily and Oxford.

Yeah, unless she was lying to you, there's no way. Did you lie? Mr. Guys, have you lied to me? We did kiss. God, no, was the answer to the kiss question. Wasn't just no. It was God know.

Yeah, like as in they find you repulsive. Yeah, disgusting at the thought of it. Yeah, the thought of it. Mystery guest, do you live in Los Angeles? Yes, in a way. In a way. Very good. In a way.

In a way. Sort of LA. Sort of not. Now, I know I chose this person, but at this point, I would have guessed them. Easily. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm wondering if you want to keep on asking questions

or if you just want to say the answer. You're halfway done with the questions. I'm at 10. Yeah. Female guest from if I were you, international, a jet setter. That's enough mystery guess. You're overstating your welcome.

You're sayingating your welcome. You're saying too much, Mr. Iguaz. Just yes or no. Yes or no questions, please. What did they say? Is that international Jetsetter, if you will? Who could it be? Mr. Iguaz, do you have a podcast? Do you yourself have a podcast?

Also getting a little hurt at this point. No. You're insulting the mystery guest. Mr. Iguaz, you should know that Amir invited my wife, Jillian, on as the first Mr. Iguaz, and I couldn't guess her. So this is part of the course. It has nothing to do with how close or far we are. Mr.

Guess, have I seen you personally in the last year? Yes. 12. That's 12 questions. Mr. Guess, have I seen you in the last month? No, I saw her in the last year, but not in the last month. Not like this. No, no, no. Did that help?

I was hoping was yes, quite frankly. I can't think of like any. Guests that we've had, lady guests on our podcast. Mr. Guest, have you done our podcast more than once? Yes, more on, okay, editorializing. That's fine actually, that's good. Yep, good, good Mr. Guest, standing up for themselves.

Good, good, Mr. Yes, standing up for themselves. Mr. Yes, have you done our podcast more than five times? More than five times? Yeah. Has anyone? Honestly, probably. Possibly is what the mystery gets. So possibly, possibly.

You have five more questions. Allison Williams starts with an A, can't be Allison. That's right. You can guess that if you want, because maybe Allison is being cheeky. Am I straight up lying? Everything leads to Allison except for the whole vowel thing, which I eliminated very early on.

Yeah, which now it almost makes no sense that you asked it because you're so fixated on it. You can only think of women that's named Start with Vowels. That has done our show over five times, honestly, probably? Possibly. Possibly, possibly. Mystery guest. possibly possibly possibly mystery guest do you

have blonde hair I think four definitely ten this might be the fifth time do you have blonde hair mystery guest yes wow Maybe the fifth time. Do you have blonde hair, mystery guess? Yes. Wow. Stunned. Stunned as in like you don't know who it is even though you narrowed down. Oh, how about this?

Mystery guess, were you at Jake or my wedding? Yes. You clown. You clown. my wedding. Yes. You clown. You clown. Oh. It's Rose. It's Rose McIver. Yeah.

I'm pretty sure she's angry. She's yelling at you. You can turn on your camera. You can use your voice. Yes. I knew it right away too. Turn on your camera. You can use your voice. I knew it right away, too. Honestly, I didn't expect this to be such a plot of my ego. Jake didn't get to have 20 questions. I got you after 16.

17. 17. She's on every single episode of our show. She kicks them all off. That's really good, actually. That's a good, that was a good tell. And yeah, you were at my wedding, that's true. I'm confident that there was nobody else who could possibly be, no female had been on your podcast more than, I'm furious. Quite frankly. Rightfully so. Yeah, that was not cool, Rose.

I didn't think I was inviting you into that type of environment. That wasn't I apologize on that's like two or three questions. And then there'd be one like, huh, do we ever watch the Olympics together? And we'll know. Yeah. Yeah. No. Yes. The thing is when you're in the hot seat, like I am, it's actually your brain is all over the place. We're racing towards everything possible.

X's, relatives, white, black, Asian, tall, short, other. It's disgusting. It has to be Noons. Julia Noons. Yes, it has to be Noons. Can I read you a poem about Los Angeles? Oh, actually Rosie would like this. We have another segment on our show called poetry

or noetry where we read two poems and then Amir writes one poem and I have to guess which one is the one that he wrote. I should listen to you. So it's sounding like it's really tightened up over the years. Oh, you don't listen to it? Why would she now? I'm gonna recover for a bit and then I might tune in. But tell me the poem that you wrote, Amia.

Yeah, why don't you read her your poem? Okay, I'll read you my poem. This one's called Los Angeles. The angels here have pigeons wings. No, this is the one. This is the real one. This is the real one. Fuck. Fine, that was the real poem.

But did you like that? Did you think I could have said one. This is the real one. This is the real one. Fine. That was the real poem. But did you like that? Did you think I could have said that that first line? The angels here have pigeons wings or does that sound like a real poem? I actually, the jury was still out on that first line. I needed a little more to know. Let's read her your for your first line. Let's read it. Read her your for your first line. Trapsing we're a Lee where one Baptiste Alvarado carved.

Aaron sermons echo into the San Gabriel's. Do you think that was real? Is this you? Well, it's me pretending to be someone else. I'll admit, the first two lines are not bad. It just goes downhill from there. I just didn't. Yeah. Now cars pulse down the highway path. How cars pulse?

How cars pulse down the highway path? Now cars pulse. Now cars. Lifeblood of the city measured in fuel is that What That's actually good and then it goes on from there, but it's actually fucking too strong and nice to how are you doing? Where are you, Montreal? Shooting ghosts?

You know what? I'm good. I'm good. I have to go back to work, but I'm so glad I could be there for this. Just absolute assault. This was just an epic segment. God, I wish I got it a little earlier so you can get back to work sooner. Yeah.

I lived with you. I mean, yeah, we did live together a little bit. And it was just absolute crickets. No, it's never knew anyone besides Julian Noon. It was the blonde, the blonde. When I got narrowed that down, I knew it had to be you or Noon's. You guys, well, I guess it was nice to see you. Yeah.

And a bit of circumstances next time. We love you, Rosie. Thank you. Bye. Bye. Thank you. I feel like she liked my bottle. Like really, you burned that bridge. That was it was really insulting. Scary to be the one guessing. You don't want to insult it.

Yeah. Right. Which is that's like, that's the worst. That's your worst fear realized. This is, that's why the segment is so scary. Thankfully, Jill didn't get mad at me and, you know, Gemma didn't really realize what was going on. She was fine with it ultimately. Ultimately, yeah, she didn't care.

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Legends. All right, we're back, baby. Yes, indeed we are. I mean, this is shaping out to be an absolute all-timer. Yeah, a banger of an episode. I mean, we can't just like settle on a format instead of coming up with a new one every week It's like why don't we just play poetry or not every single time? Yeah, have a mystery guest and then we'll do hogwash or hot on to take us home

wash your hot Actually, this one is kind of a recycled segment idea. We had which is basically we still get questions to our old if I were you email. Yes, that's true. So that podcast is in retirement. Yeah, but we still get the email. So in theory, as a segment of this show, we could kind of just go back to our old one. Classic throwback, a segment called if I were you, based on our Wobagon podcast from years old.

Incredible. Yeah, why not? So you have so we have one. You have you have a question. I have a question right here. I don't know if you remember how to do this, but we give these people fake names to preserve their anonymity. That's right. We do. It's a 19 yearold guy from the Netherlands.

Okay, let's call him Rishar Listen. You still fucking got it. You absolutely still have it. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. It never left. Dear Josh and Shmuel, I'm a 19- 19 year old guy from the Netherlands and about three months ago I met this girl through student association. We're both a part of after seeing each other at a few of the drinks organized by our Association, I decided to ask her out. All the bars and restaurants were closed So we decided to do a walk through Amsterdam. The date went very well

And we had good chemistry, at least good enough for a solid first aid, solid enough that I felt like going in for a kiss would be a good choice at the end. However, when our date was ending, her tram suddenly arrived, meaning she had to abruptly leave and this led me to go for a hug instead of a kiss, which I felt would have been forced in sudden, so directly after the date, she messaged me saying, sorry for leaving so abruptly and we kept in touch there didn't, Instagram and TikTok DMs.

A few days later, I expressed my interest for a second date. However, she caught COVID, which made it impossible to see each other. And since then we stayed in contact for a bit, but the problem is I feel like it's mostly quite amicable slash platonic and we're not really flirty with each other anymore. Is this the result of me hugging her on the first date? My question for you guys is, what is my next best move and how do I show her that my goal is not being platonic but more than that? I don't want to come off as too strong but I also don't want to seem like I'm in it to just

be friends. I've already expressed my interest for a second date, but I also don't want to seem like I'm in it to just be friends. Right. I've already expressed my interest for a second date. Should I just wait for her to come back to the topic or do I propose it again? P.S. how many cheeses on a pizza is too many? Interesting. I never consider the cheese one. One. Maybe two.

Yeah, I think two is the max. I'm not really a cheese forward pizza guy like a buffalo or a regular mozzarella. But as soon as you're doing like the quatra from maji, it's like this is just it's starting to turn into some sort of cheese salad. Yeah, it's it's a different beast at that point. It's not pizza. I don't think it's bad, but you're not having pizza. You're having an open face grilled cheese, but OK. Had yeah, you're having an open-face grilled cheese, but okay.

You're having had, yeah. You're having had a grilled cheese puff. The good news about the whole kiss thing and the platonic thing is that it's all happening in your head and not in real life. So I don't think it's a result of the kiss. I think it's probably more so a result of the COVID. I think that's gonna pump the brakes.

I think that's gonna cool things down a little bit. And yeah, you may be lost a little bit of momentum, but I also don't think that you, like you're behaving as if you've lost all momentum, but that's only, it's kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy. You're like, oh, we're just platonic. Oh, I blew it with the hug. She's not interested. So you're probably, I mean, look at your DMs. Have they gotten a little lazy? Have they gotten a little lackluster? I think you could turn the heat up and the

soup is gonna get hotter. You know what I'm saying? So it's almost like whatever happened pre-COVID doesn't count. It's like that was a platonic date or not. It was a good date or not. But then you're sick and you get better. And it's just like, that's all a preamble. It's almost like you have to go out on a first date again. Yes, another first date.

So I think, I don't entirely know what the DMs look like. And if he proposed a second date and she kind of ignored it or if it was lost in the conversation, if she has forgotten to respond to it, whatever. But I think you got to shoot one more shot wholeheartedly. You ask for that second date. You try to reintroduce the flirtation. And it doesn't sound like you're being too aggressive in any of this because you didn't kiss. You, I think going for the hug when the train was coming was actually the right move. You don't want to make your first move in that moment.

In the train. So, uh, uh, hold on. Oh, your train's coming. Lately, lately, lately, lately. Like, no, I don't think so. I think it's better to let it happen naturally. And don't try to force it. I think I've given this advice on our, if I reshow before,

but something I realized at the end of my dating career was that I would never go for the kiss the first date. I would be like, I would rather air on the side of, even if they expect it and it seems like a good moment, I would err on the side of not doing it. Because like the risk reward factor of like, if I risk it in it, she doesn't want it, then it's like extra bad. And if she does want it and I don't do it, then that's also fine. It felt like a win situation.

Right. Yeah, yeah. I think not going for the kiss at the end of the first date is never, ever grounds for no first date. Like I liked him. It was perfect,. I think not going for the kiss at the end of the first date is never ever grounds for no first date. Like I liked him, it was perfect, but I'm not going to go out with him because he didn't kiss me. I think it's like that's only perceived as you being shy or being a gentleman. So that's that's all good. Yeah. So that's why I think like this guy's probably still all that said, it's undeniable. If the firstiable. If everybody wants the first kiss on the first date, I do think it's fine. I don't think it's like. I guess I just mean at the end of the date, kind of like it always felt so forced and nerve wracking.

So like I always removed that part of my brain. I'm like, I'm just not gonna do it instead of like, while I'm saying, all right, great, I had a good time. Thank you so much, blah, blah, blah. I don't wanna be nervous during that. No, yeah, blah, blah. I don't want to be nervous during that. No, yeah. I don't think I ever was into the idea of the kiss coming at the goodbye.

I think the goodbye has to be at the goodbye. And the kiss was usually happening in the middle of the date. If it's going really well, you start making out at the bar. Great stuff. That's great stuff. But yeah, if it hasn't happened then, then you just walk everyone home and you say goodbye. No harm, no foul. That's great stuff. But yeah, if it hasn't happened then then you just walk

everyone home and you say goodbye. No harm, no foul. A firm handshake. The firmest handshake. Put her there, pal. A bro home. I'll call you. You're priced. Dap him up. Where do I know you? What? All right, Slugger. Thanks. Let's play mystery guests sometime, me and you.

Actually poetry would be a very fun third date idea. You show up with a poem and the other person has to guess. Oh my God. But don't use it yet. Yeah, you don't wanna break out the poem on the first or second date. Yeah, especially if they laugh at you. But yeah, no, I think you're fine.

I think fire your shot. Pretend that the last two or three weeks didn't even happen. And if anything, just remember that you had a great first date that was only hurried along by a train and that's all, that's all fine. And then do you literally say, can we go out again? Or like, hey, we should hang out another time. Like, how cash do you ask? I think if you're, you might as well get rid of the unambiguity or get rid of, be unambiguous, get rid of the ambiguity I should say and just be like,

let's go out, are you free Friday? Like I don't, maybe it's just because I'm an old man now, but the idea of being like, we should go out again. And then the, like that's, it sounds like you're playing it safe because then they then the like, that's it sounds like you're playing playing it safe because then they can say like, yeah, they can let you down easy. But just why not be like, are you around on Saturday? Want to go out again? That it's like that's a that's a real ask. A real ask so that they can have all the information that if they say yes,

you don't have to be like, I hope she thought that was a date. Say what's on your mind. Well, don't say is there. don't say what's on your mind because you don't let her in all that. Yeah, right, exactly. Really, not. Say that for your poem. But don't insert yourself into the poem, I guess.

Which, by the way, I don't even think that's a good rule when you said that to me. Don't insert yourself into the poem. It is if you're writing about a city. It is if you're writing about a city. It it's you're writing about a city it is if you're writing about a city It is if you're ready about it It is if you're ready About a city your poem starts with I'm standing next to a tall building now. I can't believe how fucking cold it is

Trapsing where Lee me Jake next to a building carved and I stay in the distance. It's Long Island City, AKA Long Island City. Mid-coast Connecticut Spring. I hope I don't. I hope I'm not the first one to lose poetry or no poetry. I can't have that on my permanent record Yeah, dude, and I really I'm I'm ready. I've been like writing a poem in my up here in the head

What's cheating a while? That's absolutely mean you have to putting a lot of effort isn't cheating. Yeah trying is cheating You have to sort of piece together while you're at a urinal. I guess the ethos of it is that like poetry is so dumb and random I could fart one out and you would know the difference. We've proven that's not true. So now I just have to try to trick you with my skill with my quality. That's right. Traipsing, where are the hither and thither? Okay, that's it. That's it. Enjoy. Right. Have fun. Thank you for listening. Thank you for watching Segment ideas hit us up below you guys are coming up with some good ones feel like

There's a there's a solid to get to list now So add yours below and let us know what we should do next let us know definitely without the poems Let us know what you think about the guests. Right. And we'll be back, of course, next week. You can watch these on YouTube. You can listen to these wherever. And you can watch us on our Patreon, patreon.com. Slash J. A. Yeah.

Yeah. We're watching Jake and Amir videos. We're writing Jake and Amir videos. It's it's all happening at Patreon. That's right. That's right. Go on, check it out. And for more of us on this show, segments, of course, will be back next week. See you slash here from you then. Peace. Goodbye, everybody. That was a hit gum original.