If I Were You - 14: Sexting

Episode Date: August 5, 2013

In this episode we discuss sexting, cheating, and nearly getting arrested in Iceland.This episode is brought to you by WarbyParker.com! Ever wonder what kind of glasses Amir wears? Wonder no more: "Crosby" by Warby Parker. Frames AND Lenses for $95! Check them out.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Because I'm butterfly tattooed, that's okay. Because he still has some pretty shit to say. Amir has real old nipple hair, but he's still cool. Because he's gonna take your ass back to school. When they kill the sucker and wait to paw, don't bounce your jacket, you can learn a lot from the flat. And listen to their voices. Cause if they were you, they'd make better life choices. Rest in peace, um... That was fun. Todah! Todah, Thelsi.

Thelsi, Thelsi. Not Chelsea. Not Helsi, but Thelsi. Uh, thanks so much, Thelsi. This is If I Were You. The only invite... This is the earliest I've messed up. On your catchphrase too. What's the plan here, bloops? You got 9 seconds deep. What happens? You wanna edit it or...? No, I guess this is it. This is the...

Wow, this is the podcast. This is the podcast. Alright, hey, this is If I Were You. The only advice podcast on the internet. Hosted by us. I'm Amir. And I'm Jay Wittz, Jay Money, Jay Dollars, Jay Skrilla, Jay Hood. Oh my god, that was so cool. Really? I was sure you were gonna say something different when I was done and I looked at you and I saw the disdain in your eyes. No, no, no. I'm a positive guy now, so I don't talk badly about people. Even when they're huge assholes.

Like, even when they do something so uncool, I just say that was cool because it was cool, I think. Wow, nice. We are here to answer people's questions. They are in difficult situations. They email the show at IfIWereYouShow at gmail.com. We comb through thousands and hundreds of millions of submissions and find 5 to 6 to answer on the podcast. Everything about how fucking noble that is. What we do. Yeah, I think the word hero gets tossed around pretty loosely, but I guess we're heroes. Like more so than a teacher or a doctor.

Right, and I ventured to say we are more than heroes. So what would you do? Like astronauts? Saints. Goddamn saints. We are goddamn saints. I think I'm a religious hero or something. What is a saint? They perform how many miracles? Like they have to perform 3 miracles and dedicate their life to service. This is episode 13, so we've performed 13 times 5, 110 miracles.

Wow, and my buddy's good at math, so how's that? It's actually 70. Yeah, 110 was way off. Really? Yeah. 13 times 5, yeah. Is it worse than I thought it was right the first time? I think it's worse that my initial estimate was so off. Like I should have just done 12 times 5, which is 60 plus 10, which is 70. Right.

But I was so, I'm like so bad at math that you could have said literally any number. Wait, wait, I just, while we were talking I realized the actual answer to 13 times 5 is not 70 either. Wow. It's 65. We've reached at the actual conclusion. Do you want to edit the podcast now? Yeah, this literally is the most embarrassed I've ever felt on the podcast. Getting that question wrong 3 times. Technically twice, but yeah.

If it's actually not 65, then I do want to start over. Are you going to calculate it right now? No, it is 65. I know for a fact. I mean it's 10 times 5 plus 15 is 65. It's 12 times 5, 60 plus 5 is 65. Why are we even debating this anymore? It's so obvious. You're crying.

God, so I just realized we didn't think of a fake name theme for today's show. So we sort of make it up on the spot. Interesting. So we read your emails and we try to answer them taking them one by one. We give fake names to every email to preserve their anonymity. And this one will come from someone named that we'll call Elaine. Nice. Got it already.

So Elaine in quotations writes, Hey, I'm Aaron Jake. This guy that I like recently started texting me on a regular basis. At first it was just normal stuff talking about what we did that day or what we were up to at the moment. Then he started texting me sexy things. Really sexy things. Until we were basically having intercourse via iPhone.

Now he keeps telling me he wants to hang out with me, but I'm nervous after what we did. I'm wondering if I sexed him over text, does it mean he'll expect real sex? Please help me out of this Vex. Love Elaine. Very nice Elaine. I like the rhyme at the end.

Yeah. About whom? I feel like this brings up a very interesting phenomenon that's, we experienced on IM as like kids growing up, which is when you're chatting with someone, there's a degree of anonymity and you're ready to say and do really crazy shit that you wouldn't in person. Like having late at night chat conversations,

things can get very heated and then you see the person who like in real life you haven't even had very good relationship with and you finally see them and it's like what's the expectations? Did that stuff that happened online or over text? Was that even real? Was that us? Was that me?

It's such a weird thing like to have basically phone sex and then go out on a first date. Yeah, it's true. I feel like what usually happens is at first you guys both ignore it, but in the back of your mind you both know what went down. Right. And then later on when things get loosey-goosey, that's when like everyone's like, that was crazy last night.

Yeah, I think you'll have real sex and then you'll talk about the phone sex. Yeah, but it's weird that like I guess now kids are having the phone relationships further along. This seemed like it confused her, right? She was like, we were basically having sex. Like he started texting me really, really ridiculous things. Until we were basically having intercourse V.I. One thing led to another.

It's like she sounds so innocent that I really wonder what her basically having intercourse is. I was so confused so I was just texting him, I'm sucking your dick. I'm sucking your dick. I'm jerking you off now. I don't even think dropping the phone. It was at dinner.

She was at a restaurant. I mean, what is it? We're basically having sex. You're fucking me from behind. You're fucking me from behind. Is this what, am I even doing it right? I guess if I'm a guy having phone sex with someone, it depends because like at this point in my life,

I have sex, you know? So sorry, mom. I know you listen to the podcast. Why are you falling for this? News flash. I'm 27, okay? I've been having sex for two years now. You're wrong with calling you.

Oh shit. She listens to the live feed. I'm a virgin. I swear to God. So I guess like my expectation is a little bit like having like a sexting conversation with someone, I would probably expect that they'd be sleeping with me unless they're like, they have a boyfriend and they're sexting.

Right. But sex doesn't necessarily mean you want to have real sex with a person, does it? Or is it like a fantasy land? I think it does. Maybe I'm out of touch. I'm not a teenager anymore. I just date them.

I just crush a lot. I just date them. I'm not a teenager. I just have sex with 19 year olds. You don't actually. That was a joke, right? Yeah. No, I don't.

I haven't had sex with a 19 year old since I was 19 myself. Wow. There you have it. So what do you think? Sorry, mom. Everything you say is an apology to your own mother. So would you say that this person, she's wondering if she's sexting over text, does it mean that that's real sex

that she expects? Yeah. I mean, I'm trying to help you with this vex. And I don't want to put you under a. Reflex. By putting you under a hex or anything. But. Yeah.

I think that's probably what the guy is expecting. Yeah. So either don't go on the date if you don't want to sleep with him. Well, I mean, no, you can go on the date and definitely just not have sex with him and he can deal with that. That'll be fine. Yeah. Would you say it's the girls?

Like not responsibility, but it often ends up as like you will go as far as the female will let you. Like is the girl dictating how far. I mean, I'm sure it happens that guys are like, hey, I want to take it slow, but I feel like it's way more rare. I think guys are kind of just like whatever you're down for. I'm down for it. And it's like totally up to the girl.

So if it's totally up to her, why don't we say. Whatever you're comfortable with. Yeah. If he might expect real sex, but you know what? Maybe he would have any guy you go on a date with does not at least expect, but like any guy should be used to not getting laid. So like if you if you expect sex and you don't have sex with him

and he's like, ah, damn, that's fine. That's an emotion he's going to deal with a lot throughout his life. But do you think he has a better case of saying, oh, damn, because they had phone sex? Yeah, but we had phone sex. If let's do a little role role play where like in bed, I say, no, I'm not going to have sex with you.

Okay. And I'm the guy. Yeah. Okay. Right. So let me unbuckle your belt pants. Hey, no buster. What are you talking about?

Let me take out my cell phone. You clearly said it was at 6 31 in the morning. I'm currently taking out your penis. I mean, like this is I'm looking at my text messages. Yeah. I guess my response to that is go fuck yourself, sir. Well, I will. I would like you to help me.

No, actually, you don't get you don't get this booty. You got to earn this booty. You got to earn this booty. This text message is a script of how tonight was going to get a binding goddamn contract. Actually, yeah. And it's written. So feel free to say no to a guy who expects sex and it's going to be fine that he doesn't get to have it.

Yeah. That's the long and the short of it. Thanks for writing in Elaine. Thanks Elaine. Question the second. Are you ready for question number two? Oh, yeah. Hey, why don't I beatbox this into it?

No, you don't have to do that. Question two. I'm OK. I didn't have to do it, but I did it. So don't like actually sort of talked over the beatbox a little. So here we go. Oh, my God. Question two.

It's kind of cool. I start talking. It wasn't done. It was a fucking. It was a pregnant. Jack. Jack. You're a jack for that.

This question comes from Jerome Seinfeld. Jerome writes, it's another Tinder question. Fuck yeah. I was recently using Tinder and I saw my friend's girlfriend's profile. They've been in a relationship just over a year now and her recent activity is three days ago. Should I tell my friend that she's using the app that he's, should I tell my friend that she's using the app?

Yeah. Should I tell my friend that she's using the app that he's, should I tell my friend that she's using the app regularly or is it not my place? What should I do? Man, the crazy thing is I swiped her right and we matched. Can you freaking believe it? I think we have to go on a date. It is the unbroken rule of Tinder.

We started chatting and we ended up having phone sex and I think now sex is what she expects. What is this? Oh shoot, do I tell my friend that I fucking found my soulmate on Tinder and it's his GF? I swiped her in her bottom and now I'm here. How did this happen? Swiped her right, what a fright.

Or is it a delight? Yeah, I mean. It's the equivalent of finding someone cheating or is it the equivalent of finding someone flirting? Yeah, because Tinder isn't cheating necessarily. And I think a lot of people download Tinder just to see what it's about because people that are in relationships want to be part of trends too. I've seen people with boyfriends and girlfriends on Tinder and they're like, oh yeah, it's just

fun to mess with people when we match. Which I actually advocate against because a lot of people are on Tinder trying to find their soulmate. I'm trying to find my soulmate. You're trying to find your soulmate. I'm trying to find my soulmate. On Tinder. I'm trying to find her in every single aspect of my life.

I'm looking for her when I'm at Starbucks. I'm looking for her when I'm out at a bar. I'm looking for her at work. I'm looking for her out when I'm hiking in the woods and I'm looking for her on Tinder. So yeah, I'm on a goddamn mission to find my soulmate. A spirit question. Find my spirit animal. And I really think she's using this hooking up app for 20 to 30 years.

Well, you know what? I'm using it so maybe we would have that in common, don't you think? But if you were describing your soulmate, would somebody who uses Tinder possibly be on there? She might use Tinder and when I meet her, she would say, oh my god, I'm so embarrassed that I'm on Tinder. My friends pressured me into it, but I just can't meet a guy. So maybe you're him and I say, listen, listen.

Listen. I am your soulmate. Shh, baby, baby. Now's not the time to talk. Now's the time to sext. Then you guys both get to vent and start sexting each other. I think it's valuable to think that you could find the love of your life on Tinder at this point.

Yeah? I mean, there's a couple hundred thousand people on it. What are the odds that, honestly, what are the odds that a soulmate isn't on Tinder at this point? Well, you know what? What are the odds that a soulmate isn't a real thing and doesn't exist? I guess that's about a hundred. Yeah, what are the odds that I'm going to live and die alone?

Surrounded by my friends, but still, wafting around in a sea of abject loneliness. Do I have a chance to not hate myself? I'll put that at zero. I'd love to swipe my life to the right, off a cliff. So should this person... That would be to the left, actually. The left is what you don't want. Those are the discards.

Oh. Okay? The hell? Download the app. How many people do you think are just never been swiped right? Oh, God, that's so sad. I feel like even if you're hideously ugly, you get swiped right as a joke, at least. Which is almost worse.

Yeah. You've been joke-swiped four times and authentically said so. The Tinder badge. You get the class clown. You've been joke-swiped right. A hundred right swipes and every single person is fucked with you. We were joking about how embarrassing it would be to have Tinder badges appear on your Facebook profile. Oh my God, yeah, yeah.

Jake is part of the Lonely Hearts Club. 100 swipes without a match. Jake is Tinder's most active user. 14 hours logged on at a time. Jake has swiped 3,000 times in the last two days. He's our NBS most valuable sniper. Jake Winslet is anybody out there award. 1,500 messages sent without a single reply.

Jake has casted the widest net. 250 consecutive right swipes. One match. Jake has entered desperation mode. That's 18 to 50 plus and the 100 mile plus radius. He'll take anything. Any chick'll do. Mercy.

So yeah, I guess tell, oh, we totally, we always forget to give advice, I feel like. Yeah. Well, real quick, just if you've never even heard of Tinder, it's an application where people are looking for other people to hook up. Yeah, this is for the people who haven't heard of Tinder and then still let us like, still we're listening to the podcast as we went on a five minute Tinder rant. They're that big a fan. They know question number three will win them back. So thank you. Tinder's a dating app where you, at this point, they have to pay us, right?

You see a girl, you just, you open it up and you see a picture of a female. And if you think she's cute, you swipe her to the right. Or if you're a gal using Tinder, it's a picture of a guy. Or if you're a lesbian or gay person, then it's the same sex. It shows you, yeah, genders that you're attracted to. If you think they're attractive, swipe her to the right. If you think they're unattractive, you swipe to the left. If they also swiped you to the right, that's a match and you guys get to chat.

So this guy found his. Anyway, Tinder, send us a check. At this point, I'd like more than a check. I'd like more than a check. I'd like a match. I'd like my soulmate. Tinder, you owe me one soulmate. Yeah, goddamn son of a bitch.

You slippery, slimy little snake. You owe me a soulmate. You heathens. You really do at this one. You really owe me a soulmate. I downloaded Tinder to find my soulmate, but uh-oh, it's turned me into a monster. And now my soulmate is just the devil. So this guy found his buddy's girlfriend on it.

Right. And I guess I think you, if you saw your buddy's girlfriend. If you're close at all to the girl, maybe I'd say something to her first and see if there's like a logical explanation. So you don't, you know, get your buddy up in arms and then like, you know, cause a rift in the relationship when it's not necessary. Yeah, maybe he knows about it. Maybe he's on it too. Yeah, maybe they did it together. You got to be pretty dumb to use it in the city that your boyfriend's friends are in, right?

It's true. But I mean like, it's sort of like that, um, the, uh, if you like Pina Colada song. Yeah. How so though? Well, have you ever heard that song? If you like Pina Coladas or getting- Yeah. So it's like about a, yeah, he like takes out, he's desperate to find somebody.

He like has a wife, but he's like, I really want like a fling. I want it. Like I don't feel any passion in my life. So he takes out a personal ad and the lyrics to the chorus are the personal ad. If you like Pina Coladas and get caught in the rain, like you like making love at midnight at the dunes on the Cape, then you're the love that I've looked for right to me and escape. And then he like in the next verse, he finds that like, I'm the love that you've looked for. And he's like, that's, oh my God, my soulmate, the Pina Colada person wants me at this time and he meets and it's his wife. So it's like-

They're both down to cheat on each other. Right. Like are you mad at me? Like yeah, like I took out this ad, but I answered it, so. Wow. That's a really beautiful song. I had no idea that's what it was about. Yeah.

It's so stupid, but it is kind of cool. Yeah. Usually songs are like, uh, very cool, but the lyrics are awful and this is like sort of the opposite. Right. This song is lame and the lyrics- If you like Pina Coladas, or the paradox of trying to cheat on your wife and she's the only one who's down to do it with you. Very intelligent discourse happening. If you like irony, if you like dramatic irony.

So I say, uh, tell your friend. If he's your friend, then he deserves to know from you that his girlfriend is looking to hook up with other dudes. But I strongly urge you to do a little bit more detective work before you- Yeah, swipe her to the right. Right. And if it's a match, then she's definitely using it. Yeah. Uh, cool.

We're at about the halfway point. Do you want to take a little break? Let's take a breather. Let's take a breather. So it's sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation, talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area.

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That's betterhelphelp.com slash if I were you. Check him out. Thanks, BetterHelp. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow. For years and years and years, we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one, or you want to sell stuff online, you can do an online store. They have 24 seven live customer support, email campaigns, data.

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Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you. Squarespace. You know what I wanted you to talk about was that awesome story that happened to you. Get like really close to the mic. Yeah. Yeah.

Really, really lean in. I want this to be clean. Something really funny happened to kind of me and also you in Iceland. Yes. So we were in Iceland. We were on vacation in Iceland. And I guess the thing that happens in the summer in Iceland is the sun doesn't go down. Right.

So it's light all the time. So at midnight, it looks like it's like the sun is like the 7 30 p.m. sky, but always. And then the other thing is that people in the capital city in Reykjavik drink very heavily on the weekends. They do this thing called the run tour, which is like a pub crawl or whatever. And we so we got very excited. We got very drunk. I mean, it does not drink very often, but I got him. I think was the drunkest you've ever been.

Yeah. I guess it must have been because there are details. I've never like blacked out, but there were details that I didn't remember. Right. And I don't, I mean, I don't know if it's the strongest I've ever been because I do drink a lot. Sorry, mom. That one is actually. I really am sorry.

But I got completely wasted. You like did not remember four to five hours of the entire. Yeah, like I, there's, I remember you falling off the bench. Yeah, which was like at 11 p.m. Right. You fell off the bench and then the next thing I remember is coming to in this club where the, the bouncer said your card was declined. So how did we get there? How did we get to the car?

The bouncer telling you that a card was declined. All right. So, so we got to, we went to this kind of like exclusive bar where I told him here to just go up and tell the door person that he was famous. I don't know what you said to them, but you went up to the door person. There's a long line and then all of a sudden next thing we knew me and Amir and my brother and Jeff Rosenberg and like this weird crew of people that we had somehow amassed from the first bar and just like walking down the street. Like 12 of us all just were shepherded into this bar. We were the Pied Piper of drunken Icelandic people. So we cut this line and at one point we found out like, cause there were some more people outside we wanted to get in and they were like, if you get table service, you can get more people in.

So we're like, and we're like, how much money is that? And they said 5,500 kroner and then you look to me to do the math. This is part I don't remember. So you're telling me. Yeah. So I said do the math. They said 5,500 kroner and they, you looked at me and it's actually close to what the math problem we had to do earlier today, which was 13 times five. It was like 5,500 divided by like whatever 130 kroner per dollar.

So I did the math at roughly $50, which is somewhat accurate. Right. Which seems like about right for maybe, I don't know. Sure. $50. Okay. We're having fun. Let's get on all of our buddies.

Sure. So we all, we all went in. We got the table service. I think you have, you ordered a, we ordered a bottle. Yeah. Anyway, so a little, the, then it's all a blur or not even like, it's not even a blur because it's just a, it's a blur. Yeah. It's nothing ever happened.

Blur means there are, there are colors there that are smeared and we are looking at a black, black canvas. Yeah. It's a black hole. I was never there. I leave around two. We get in at midnight. I'm there for two hours and I leave around two because I'm not feeling very good. Right.

So they tell me my card was declined. Oh, then at four everyone starts leaving and Jake goes to pay for whatever the bottle service was. Yeah. $50 and then plus whatever a bottle of alcohol is. So they give me my card back and then like their, their machines are sort of weird and Iceland and like my magnetic strip on my card had been like kind of acting a fool the entire trip. So I was like thinking nothing of it's like two, I was like, what, 200 bucks? So I grabbed my brother's card and was like, I'll give you money later. Just let's swipe this.

They were like, this card is also declined. And then it like sort of dawned on me. I was like, how much are you charging the card for? And they forget the number. They say it was like 158,000. Which is. Which, and then I was like, what is that in the US dollars? And they were, it was $1400.

And I was like, what? This is where I went from just like blackout drunk to dead sober. Yeah, we're going to charge you a MacBook Air, I think, for your time here that you don't remember. Like a used car or a month of rent, that's going to be what, what you paid at the bar. Do not remember this. And I was just like. Borderline of mugging. What?

What? Why? Why is it $1400? And they said, you ordered two bottles of gray goose. And I like, I mean, how much money is a bottle of gray goose? And I, but I was just like, no, I didn't. I did not order. Which may be true, but maybe not because you don't know because you were just blackout.

Right. But I mean, I can't imagine. I was so drunk that I definitely didn't. I would have never looked at somebody and be like, give me another bottle of gray goose. Right. I didn't even need the first one. Especially if you knew the price. Right.

100%. I knew that I did not order a second bottle. I wasn't even, I wasn't even positive that I ordered the first one. So I was like, I didn't order. Maybe that came with the table or something. Right. But they didn't tell us the price. Exactly.

So I said, no, I won't pay that. And they were like, this is when I got surrounded by all the, the bouncers in the bar. The bar was empty. And they were like, just pay it and you can go. This is at 4am. This is at 4am. And the light is out as if it's like eight in the morning. Right.

It's, it looks like 9am out there. And I was like, I won't pay it. They surrounded me. They say, pay it and you can leave. And I was like, no. And they said, if you don't pay it, we're going to call the police. And I was like, please do call the police right now. Keep in mind, there's nine policemen in Iceland.

They all have vacations. And they all showed up. They were all drunk. So the police got there and they were like, it's like Icelanders have never heard of lying before. Because the officer was just like, he's looked at the bartender. He was like, he said you bought two bottles of gray goose. And I said, I, well, I didn't.

He was like, why would he say that? What's in it for him? Why would he just make that up? Is he hallucinating? I know what he said. And this is what I'm saying. This is why you're here. You were called because there was a dispute, right?

That's what you said while you were shoving in. And I was like, Jeff and Micah were like trying to calm me down the entire time. Because I was just like, I rate. And he was like, you're going to have to go to jail while we decide what's going on. You're going to have to wait in jail. Icelandic prison, by the way, is a three star hotel. It's the Blue Lagoon. Everybody at the Blue Lagoon is just, is just being held there against their will.

It's a geothermal hot spa, 40 miles outside of the campus. The officer, the arresting officer gives you a massage, a hot stone, a hot stone death. So I, but I was like, I won't, I'm not going to, no, I was like laughing. I'm like, no, you can't make me go to jail over this. You were just talking, you were talking to them as if they were like three 15 year olds asking you for money. I was talking to them like, yeah, like, and we were also like, we could possibly debate. Like the fact that I got services that I didn't have, that I shouldn't have to pay for. And so they were like, we're going to look at the security tapes and see if like, and like,

if we find that you ordered two bottles, you have to pay everything. That's the funniest thing. As if a security camera could, were you, were you microphone? Were you wearing a wireless lab? There's just a zoomed in shot of me going to, holding up my fingers saying two bottles. And you stared at the, at the camera afterwards, wing. Holding a gray shirt and then flapping my wings like a goose. So I think they were just trying to wait us out.

Cause they made us sit there for two hours and I was like, just, I'll give you my idea. I'll give you whatever you want. I'll just come back in the morning and you can let me know what you found. And they were like, no. So finally at one point the police officer came out. He's like, the bartender is tired. He's, he wants to go home. You can just pay for one bottle of gray goose, which was like 550 bucks and then we'll let you leave.

So, so I did that. I walked outside and I was like, we just got away with the boys. I ordered more than two bottles of gray goose. I ordered four, spilled two on the floor. Shit, not guilty. Y'all got to fail me. They hear it and tackle you. I'm tased.

Another funny post script to this whole story, which is great, is me waking up at 7am thinking I'm about to vomit. I look at my phone and I have two text messages from you. One, hey, I think we're getting arrested at 6am and then one half an hour later at 6.30. Wait, never mind, we're good. And I just laugh and go pee. I wanted to, I wanted to like be sure that someone knew where I was going. Like if I just dropped off the grid. Yeah, Zaytune style.

Yeah, shit. And they just detained you and you, you don't get a call in Iceland. You're here forever. Excuse me? I'll pay this $700. It's like that Vince Fawn movie about him going to jail in Thailand or something. Oh yeah, where they like just kill the guy. Yeah.

They just drowned me in the thermal pool. They put you on a glacier, cut it off and just float you out towards Greenland. What is this? What is this? Archaic justice system. Your food is so expensive. This is martial law. All right, good story. Toda.

Toda, by the way, means thank you in Hebrew. Just so you guys can, you know, learn a word a day while you're listening to this podcast. Right, Toda was also turned into our catchphrase. It also is how it's like Shalom is hello goodbye piece. For us, Toda is hello goodbye piece. Thank you. Where are you? How's it going?

All right. Yeah. Yeah, fuck. It means fuck sometimes. Toda. Toda, Toda. Use it. It's fun.

Toda. Toda, baby. All right. Let's try to get to another question here. Is there time after that insane Iceland story? I think we are nearing the end, but it was fun. Let's try to get to this one, though. This one is from Kramer.

Nice. Cosmo Kramer. Hey, so I recently went to prom with this really, really great girl who I'm kind of into. It was an amazing night. She even gave me a really romantic lap dance on the ride back. I know that seems weird, but yeah, it was romantic. She even turned back so her lips were brushing against my cheek like she wanted me to kiss her. Sadly, I didn't because kissing her would change everything.

We've been best friends since sixth grade and she doesn't know I like her. I would tell her, but my friend asked her how she felt and she says she just sees us as friends. Should I have kissed her and confessed my feelings or not say anything and continue what we have? We get a lot of friend zone emails, but this one is very vivid. It's so stupid because, look, kissing her is going to change everything. Anyway, she's grinding her ass cracking into my crotch and a limo. I think everything's changed. The game has changed, Cosmo.

I'm sorry. Giddy up. If you like her, kiss her. You certainly have the opportunity. I think if she sees you as friends, she wouldn't have groaned your dick. At that point, if you kissed her and she pulled away, it's like, whoa, we're just friends. Hey, you misread that signal. I was jokingly grinding my genitals against yours.

Some who ever describes a lap dance as romantic. Lap dances are either hot or sexy or sometimes bad, maybe. Or joking. Yeah, you don't have a room. It was really intimate. It was romantic. I think it was a really nice conversation you had, but that personified as grinding genitals against each other. It was wholesome.

I know what you're thinking, but it was really, actually, it was tastefully done. Like a really nice art film. She tilted her head back and brushed her lips against my cheek as she gyrated on me. I don't have a crush on a girl for 12 years and she gives you a lap dance in public. That's torture, isn't it? I don't know. It sounds like heaven to me. But you can't really do anything at that point.

Can you, if it's in front of all your friends, you're not going to make a move? If it was in front of the friends, it was in the limo in front of people? That's a good question. If it was in front of people, I can see not wanting to make a move. But if she dragged you into the limo, gave you a lap dance and an empty limo? Yeah, dude, you really missed the opportunity for the best first kiss ever. Like whatever you do next, whatever the next thing is, it's like, oh, we're on a porch at a party. And I was kind of made out with her.

Yes, like you're on your prom night. You're in a fucking tuxedo. A girl's sitting on your lap with her neck tilted back kissing your cheek and you didn't do anything. Her lips were brushing against my cheek. Yeah, you know what? Dude, my advice is to... Kill yourself, I think. You're never going to get a better moment than that.

You should have proposed to her right then. I know this is crazy because we've never kissed. But will you marry me? And you know what, pal? I have your full name. You wrote me this email. I'm going to go on Facebook. I'm going to find you on Facebook.

I'm going to go through your friends, your prom photos. And then I'm going to look at the girl you went to prom with. I'm going to know that that's the one. And now I'm going to put every single ounce of effort I've got to going on a date with her and having a first kiss in a limo. That's how defraud I am. I know how old she is. I know how old she is. I'll wait till she's 18.

How about don't even do it at all? You know what? I can't stop myself because I am looking for my soulmate. I set it up top. I'll say it again. I'm soulmate searching right now. And I think this prom date limo dancing stripper Vixen. I think she's the one.

I really do. How about when you're looking for your soulmates? You look for people you know and see if they're attracted to you. Not going one soulmate at a time by other people's soulmate standards. Yeah, but I mean if she's good enough for him, it might be good enough for me. Yeah, you're just going to go soulmate by soulmate. I just think this chum blew an opportunity. A golden chance.

And I want to make sure that door is firmly sealed. Not only shut, but concrete. I think he deserves to be made an example of. I don't want anyone else to miss their first kiss chance with their prom date soulmate. And so you're saying I'm going to steal the girl away from him forever and lock him inside. That's what happens. From now on, if you miss an opportunity, if you miss a golden opportunity, if you have an open basket and you miss, guess what?

Jake's going to dunk. Don't. That's what's up. Don't, sir. Jay Woods, Jay Dollars, Jay Hood. I'm a modern-day Robin Hood, okay? Oh, you're not. Yeah, Jay Hood.

Your modern-day asshole. Jay Hood. You are not a superhero, you ass. He's putting on a quiver and an arrow. You're putting on a cape and a condom, you dick. You are not a hero, sir. You are not the hero we deserve or want. Don't turn this into some sort of social commentary, you ass.

No girl looks up with me. Hey, I heard a guy miss his chance to kiss you, and if you don't mind. Ow, why are you hitting me? Hey, what did I do to deserve this? Take off your cape, loser. You entered into a contract. A social contract. The most important kind.

We have fun. We have fun. You're not a kister. So what's his plan now? It seems like she likes you, so play it cool. How do you replicate that moment? I mean, prom, so that's your senior year. There's going to be a lot of pretty poignant feeling parties this summer.

Yeah, the summer before college. Yeah, so you're good. The soldier's going to be at an all-time high. your old mixes you're gonna be outdoors maybe at the beach beach is always nice on fire fireworks float out the lap dance idea I really like that lap dance or I know you want falling in her lap sorry I'm not as fucking sexy as you are my boners all I need you in the tit I'm sorry I need your tit I need her freaking tit man your tits and I need her I both need and

needed her so that's your chance do not miss your chance to blow that was a fun episode because we spent a good amount of time going over three or yeah three very cool questions yeah and then one about how we almost got arrested nicely well you almost got arrested don't I would attract you into it yeah of course dude you ordered that you've got the table service to begin with you owe me a thousand dollars I really think you do yes thank you so much for listening everyone I hope it flew by for you as much as it did for us but we want to keep it to half an hour a week so you know we can always get two more

questions in the future thank you so much for listening and spreading the word more people are listening to the show now than ever we also did our first video episode last week so we have our YouTube channel set up you can go to youtube.com slash if I were you show and that email again if you guys have any questions that you want us to answer for some reason that email address is always if I were you show at gmail.com we're also accepting theme song submissions the first one was from Thelsi and this last one is from someone named I believe Sean O'Brien Sean thanks so much for listening everyone thank you

peace I'm out later stop it yeah I'm going to all right later no okay you