If I Were You - 15: Jake's Solo Weekend

Episode Date: February 12, 2024

In this episode we talk about virtual reality, current reality, and play the celebrity game.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Seconds Another podcast Seconds Each app different from the last Seconds It's the Swiss Army Knife of Shoes Now let's Eat your two emphatic hoes

Seconds It's a two-empathetic hoax It's a nice hoax It is nice to be positive to us. That negative self-talk was really getting me down. Yeah, I was using it as a mantra and a monchi. Yeah, right. A monchi mantra. Shout out to Ferris. Actually, people are not complaining that it should be go back to the negative one. So I wonder if Ferris can do an even nastier one to us where it really goes over some insiders slash existential trauma we have.

Right. One that sings about how we'll just do whatever anybody asks of us. We'll make it nice. We'll make it mean whatever you say. Just don't make me irrelevant. Please. You can't please them all. But we'll try.

We'll do our best. I have dramatic lighting here today because I've been told that I auditioned yesterday, so I just kept it up. Oh, it's not because of the storm. There's like actual, you're lit. Yeah, I'm kept it up. Oh it's not because of the storm there's like actual you're lit. Yeah I'm lit fam and actually I can choose options if you're watching on YouTube this is sort of a hybrid cool warm this one is just warm that's all it's just cool. Very cool. I like the hybrid. You look great.

And I put some foundation and makeup and I was able to smooth out. I did Botox on my forehead. So I smoothed out and then I did eyebrows. I dyed my hair. Yeah, your triangle of sadness, gone. Yeah, and I whitened and widened my smile. Yeah, you got jaw surgery. That's amazing.

I got jaw surgery and I got lip plumpers. It looks like you got lip plumper. Yeah, all right, I was gonna say. Yeah, my And I got lip plumpers. It looks like you got lip plumper. Yeah, all right, I was going to say. Yeah, my lips are like super plump. And I've been texting a bunch of celebrities. It actually, interestingly to me, it doesn't look. It looks like you got them rather than filled. You got them reversed.

Like your bottom lip is clearly on the top. And your top lip is on the bottom now. That's fascinating. I got my lips thinned. Yeah. Ha. Do you anybody who's ever done that, you probably could, you know, do a little stitch down here on the bottom. What are lips? Like just a completely separate kind of skin, right?

It's a sphincter. It doesn't go anywhere else. Are lips a sphincter? I don't think so. I think a sphincter is a circular muscle. Lips are like, they're just pink. It's an orifice. It's an opening. Yeah, opening. Yeah, it's a hole But no other part of your body is pink like that like you wouldn't ever have a lip on you Don't you have a pink little asshole?

You don't have a pink little asshole a tiny cute pink little bum Let's do let's see your ass. I don't want to show it. I don't want to show it right now. Let's see your little pink guy. I'm embarrassed too. All right, this is segments. Finally, a show about us just waxing

and waning philosophical. Right, and waning, literally. Yeah, sometimes it's a game, sometimes it's a convo, sometimes it's a game, sometimes it's a convo, sometimes it's a mystery guest. You never know what's gonna happen in segments, and I guess that's part of the charm slash appeal. Right, and you suggested a segment today,

the game Ghost, which just made me think of like car games. And then I was thinking about that celebrity game, where you say a celebrity in the last letter of the last name, you have to say a celebrity whose name starts with that letter. You said that that we can, you said we couldn't play it because it would go on forever because you know thousands or hundreds of celebrities. Yeah.

Yeah. And you're like, no, what's that? And then you said R and I couldn't think, and I was like, I could only think of Regina Spector who I don't know. I don't know why that name is part of me Roger. I have it So I think it's gonna last a lot shorter than you think and you think it's gonna last a lot longer than I think Yeah, I guess the answer will be somewhere in between the real the real like limiting factors How long we have to think of a name like if you give me five minutes?

I'll think of one but if it to be done in the next five seconds, then maybe I'll blink. Yeah, I mean, I think it should be five to 10 seconds. Okay, so it's 10 seconds. Okay, I would say let's do a practice round. But again, the practice round might last for five, 10, 15 minutes. Right.

And you said I can only use super famous athletes, right? I can't just use anybody I know in the sports world. Right. I think, and I'm just going to trust you because I think it's OK if I don't know the sports person, but I think you have to be honest with yourself. Like this, you know when you're naming an esoteric one, I feel like you do it all the time on Twitter.

You do it as a joke sometimes. You know which ones are a little less. Well, let's start like 10 out of 10, Tom Brady, you know that, right? Yeah, yeah. Okay, Tom Brady. Nine out of 10. Have you heard of Charles Barkley?

Yeah, I would consider him also a 10 out of 10. Eight out of 10. I mean, you know who Manny Ramirez is, obviously. Yeah, but that's I see you're you're going back in time a little bit. So that's that's an old star. Yeah, but he was seven out of ten. Time. Yeah, seven out of ten. You know who James Worthy is.

I don't think that's a seven out of ten. I don't know who James Worthy is. OK, I think I should know everybody up to a five out of 10. Who is James Worthy? Yeah, he was like played with Magic Johnson. What about Drew Bletso? Yeah, I know that name. You know the name Drew Bletso,

but you don't really know from what and why. Right. Yeah. Okay. But you would like, do you know Stan Warinka? That's a, I think that's a five. Swiss tennis player, yeah. Well, that's the thing.

Stan Warinka is probably less famous than James Worthy. You just know him better. Hmm. Interesting. Yeah. Yeah, I guess maybe so. But I think they have to be if it's an old sports star, they have to be have been really good. Like, OK, Stan Warinka in 15 years, me saying his name. I don't think people know who that is, you know,

that a lot of people know who he is now. Right, though, a lot of people are like, he's now right. Yeah. But you got to watch Stan's game. You got to watch Stan's best backhand in the what? Since 2015, at least easily, easily. OK, all right. So we're going to get started. By the way, when you said Tom Brady, I couldn't think of anyone that started with the Y.

So why is I think the game is going to. Yeah, it's going to go by quick. I guess the trick is hard dollars on a that started with the Y. So, I think the game's gonna, yeah, it's gonna go by quick. I guess the trick is $100 on it. Nudge you into a Y or an X name and that's really hard. Yeah, I mean X is impossible. Yeah, there's like Xavier's and, yeah, I don't know. Are there any other X names? I can think of a porn star that starts with an X.

That counts. As long as she's more famous than Drew blood. So yeah, she's definitely made more films. Yeah. Okay. Let's let's get started. Oh, yeah. Are there stakes? Do you want to sing a song after this or how do you want to? I was thinking a hundred bucks, but we can do a sing. We could do want to sing.

Which one's scarier? I would rather give you $100 than sing, I think. Yeah, would you rather sing? The loser has to either pay 100 bucks or sing a song. So you'll decide. Okay, and you get to choose. Wow. Okay.

Me go first, I go first. Dwayne. Tom Brady. Ha ha ha ha. Dwayne. Tom Brady. Dwayne V. Rock Johnson. Nick Nolte. That's with an E. Yeah. I knew you were going to fucking do an E.

Just kidding. Okay. Ewan McGregor. Try coming up with one with an R. You fucking idiot. Ryan Reynolds. Good. But you should have never given me an S. Sarah Michelle Geller.

Bet you're running out of Rs now, aren't you? Rob McElhaney. Ooh. With a Y. Yeah, I did him with a Y. Except with a Y. Except I did think of one Y last time. Yasmin, Blee. That's Yasmin Blee.

That's Horatio Sands with a Z. Hmm. has mean bleath that's a Horatio sands with his e Hmm Really nice. Thank you really nice You're stalling but I've got Zendaya on deck just Zendaya one one name That's right Zendaya A Amir Johnson who plays for the Celtics. Okay.

Another N. Nick Cage. Eric Stone Street. Ooh, a T. Tina Turner. Ryan Phillips. Another E. Evan Rachel Wood. Because I already said you in McGregor.

Yeah. Wood is good. Yeah. Yeah. What is good? Yeah. David. Can't think of David. Yeah. Derek. Donald Glover. And R. Regina Specter.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Regina Specter. Rachel. Or Dr. Ruth.

Ruth, whatever her last name is. Okay. Well, you can't say whatever her last name is because I need the last letter of it to just do Ruth then because he did Zendaya. Okay, fine. Shit, H and you already did Horatio Sans. Yeah, that was the only thing she did. Harrison Ford. Hit him with a D.

Yeah. Daren Williams. Do you know that? It's a basketball player, kind of obscure. Pretty obscure. I'll veto it. Okay. Danny DeVito it. No.

I don't want to. Our good friend from fired Mr. Oliver Platt. That's nice. Tom Kavanaugh with an H at the end. He played Tom Kavanaugh. Oh, nice. Okay, so we've done her ratio. We've done Harrison. Um, Henry Ford.

Harrison Ford and Henry Ford. The dude's famous. He's car famous. Are you not going to say Henry Ford? I can come up with another? Yeah. All right. Ewan McGregor's little brother, Evan McGregor. Is that an actual person? No.

Okay, but I can Elizabeth Shoe. Elizabeth Shoe. You're a goddamn Elizabeth Shoo to me. Aaron Brockovich. Another H? Yeah. This is how you pass time on a road trip. Yeah, this is why, and you're right,

it is taking long because I thought it was going to be, but it's still like we're only, we're not even in Hartford yet. We have to get all the way to Hyatt. Those are two H's by the way, yeah. H shouldn't really be a problem. I like literally- No, not Tom.

And Tom. I was making a joke. I was making another, I was making a 10 seconds. Hillary, Rotten, Clinton. That's good. No. Hillary Rotten Duff. Nicole Kidman, another N.

Okay. Um, 10, 9. Nick Cannon. Nick Cannon. Okay. Nick Cannon. Nick Cannon. Nick Cannon. Stop counting down. I said Nick Cannon. Nicholas Braun.

10. Another N. 6. Nancy Myers. Sean Hayes. 7. No, that doesn't count. Nancy Meyers. Sean Hayes. Seven. No, that doesn't count. Seven.

Seven. Sean Hayes. It's from Will and Grace. Oh, I thought we were talking about... I thought it was one of the guys from Hollywood Handbook. Yeah, Sean and Hayes. Sean and Hayes, yeah. Yeah, yeah, I know.

Okay. Nine. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No. Okay. S nine eight. Did I already say Sarah McGillar? Sarah McLaughlin. No. 10, nine, eight, seven, nays. Six, five, four, three, Nisi Nash. Um, 10, nine, Napoleon Bonaparte. Seven, six, five, Nisi Nash ends with an H. Three, oh, does it really?

Two. Hillary Duff. Fred Savage. Ten. Within E. Nine. Eight. Ethan Allen. It's been Allen. Ethan Allen.

Coming. Store. E.E. Cummings then. Elizabeth Berkeley. No, Elizabeth Berkeley. Final answer. Why? That's what why. Okay.

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five. Young Ho Kim, the Korean kicker. From what? He's on the Chargers. I don't know. He's a field goal kicker. Okay. Um, Max.

Mar Mark Hoppus. Steve Oh. Is that another Oh? yeah, I just know oh Nine Osmond Four Owen Wilson That was really close. Yeah.

N, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Nicholas. With a T. 10 10 9 8 7 Terry Bradshaw Walt Whitman 10

9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2

Wow Gary Vaynerchuk four, three, Neil Young. Wow. Gary Vaynerchuk with a K. The K. How does Clive Owen spell his last name? It's definitely a CLI VE. Owen is just the normal way, though. Uh.

Nine. Eight. Seven. Six. Five. So, uh, nine, eight, seven, six, five. Carl Marx. Xavier McDaniel. Who's this basketball player? Okay. Leonard Nimoy with a Y. That's right.

Ten. Yadier Molina. Nine. Who's a he's a catcher in baseball. I don't know that. Yadier Molina. I don't know if that should count. Army Hammer with an R. Hmm. Five. Randall Park.

With another K. Kerry Russell. What's an L for you? Yeah. Ten. Nine. Eight. Lance Armstrong nine, eight. That's Armstrong.

Gary Oldman, that's another N. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six. Noel Welles, who was on SNL. Mm-hmm. Stevie Nicks, another X. Oh, shit. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3. Xander Bogarts.

What? Sing to me, dude. You have to sing to me Wow Or you can pens just who can get the X It's really what it comes down to Yeah Yeah, Xander is a baseball player, but kind of obscure. I think Xander Boe guard give it to you Yeah, I don't even know about Xander.

Yeah, Xander Bogart's is an Arubin baseball shortstop. I'll have what team does he play for? The San Diego Padres of all teams. He was on the Red Sox three time all-star. Almost should count, but I'll end it. He is playing now. All right.

Almost should count. He was the MVP in 2018. Oh, sorry. No, that just means he was the 13th for MVP. That's not that's pretty low. Yeah, pretty low. OK, fine. You want a hundred dollars or a song?

That sounds like the opening line for a poem. Fine. You want a hundred bucks or a song. Honestly, I should just give you a hundred dollars because the segments lasted too long. For it to now, we'd go to a song. Yeah. I feel like anybody listening wants to hear the song. Yeah. I feel like anybody listening wants to hear the song. Yeah, $100 is just sort of a private mini shame that may or may not happen. The song is like, you know, the more performative, exciting part

slash embarrassing part. And what song would you want to say? I don't know. The Disney song was pretty good. How many like, we did a whole new world? No, we did one jump from Aladdin. One jump, yeah. Yeah. I would say Aladdin, he's in your green too. Right.

And that's it so far, right? That's right. I have had it in my head that if I ever lose, I would sing April Come She Will by Simon and Garfunkel because it's one of my favorite songs, but it's also very, very short. Interesting. I don't know that song. Well, then you can't sing it, but it is. It's a gorgeous, gorgeous song. Yeah, I don't want to sing a gorgeous song. What if I sing? All right, I'll sing long December since it's raining right now Great this is a counting crow song

Yep, I love this and it's great. Yeah, it's a great song. It's a really good song and I'm gonna fucking Turn it into an incredible song. Yeah, it's not that short. I'm surprised you picked it. Yeah. Not that I'm reading the lyrics. It's kind of it's kind of really long actually. Yeah. Yeah. Go ahead.

OK. And this is along December, written by Adam Duritz. When his song is on the line, you've lost every time. I only lose when it's cash. I can only lose tunes and you lose tunies. Two dollars in Canadian money. That's right. Starts with kind of an instrumental, but of course I'll go acapella. Long December.

That's good. I like when it starts with like the yeah, like that name. The song is the first editorial eyes. I think just sit back and sing and you do remember you do have to give it your all. So like, don't phone it in. That's part of the bet is that you have to really sing this in earnest. All right. Xander Bogarts, by the way, is OK.

It doesn't matter. Yeah, it doesn't matter. Long December and there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last. The last. You can't remember the last thing that you said as you were leaving. Now the days go by so fast. Take your time with it.

And it's one more day up in the canyons. And it's one more night in Hollywood. If you think I could be forgiven, wish you would. Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Smell hospitals and winter and the feeling that it's all a bunch of oysters. But no corals. All at once you look across a crowded room to see the way that light attaches to a girl. I'll give you $50 to stop now. singing from here in the chest. To a girl. And it's one more. I'll give you $50 to stop now. And it's one more day up in the canyons.

And it's one more night in Hollywood. You're not singing. If you think you might come to California, I think you should. When I know. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, yeah. California I think you should Trow up to hillside manners sometime after 2 a.m. And talked a little while about the year I guess the winner makes you laugh a little slower makes you talk a little lower About the things you could not show her and it's uh been a long December and there's reason to believe

This year will be better than the last I Can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself to hold on to these moments as they pass And it's one more day up in Canyon And it's one more night in Hollywood It's been so long since I've seen the ocean. I guess I should. Yeah. Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na All right, at least I like the song. Yeah! Love Adam Durritson is yes.

It's a really good song. It's a really good song. It's a really good song. Yeah. Yeah. Cool. Do you want to call it for the episode? I think we got to do another segment.

Really? Let's see Mr. Jones. Mr. Jones and me. I want to lose. I'm ready to sing. Yeah, maybe next game. Thank you to Babbel for sponsoring this episode of our show. Thank you, Babbel. Babbel is the best way to learn a new language. That's right, because it's a science-backed language learning app that actually works. Perfect. And it's affordable, so you don language learning app that actually works. Perfect.

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OK, yeah, go ahead. We're waiting. Shoot, you know what? We are out of time. Yeah, go ahead. We're waiting. Shoot. You know what? We are out of time. The next one will be in fluent French and then Spanish and then Portuguese. So, okay. So, you're working up to the Portuguese. Got it. Yeah.

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It's fun to say. It's, that's, that's so good. It's actually giving me a phone boner. Like, I loved the way it sounded. And I got a phone boner. What's a phone boner? It's a phone sex hotline that I'm trying to run. I'm giving folks your number and they're gonna call it and kind and talk you

off. And by the way, I did do that last night. That's actually a phone boner. I thought it was, I didn't know, is related to your website idea. It's all being recorded, yeah. Well Jake's probably going to squatphoneboner.com, but if you want to buy someone's name.com or build an awesome website for someone, the best thing you can do is go to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a

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But. Bye. All right, we're back. Enough fun and games. No, we're singing and dancing fun and games. No more singing and dancing. Yeah. That was embarrassing. For you, man, that was awful. That was shameful.

I was trying to be polite, but you- It was off key. You don't have it. You don't have it. Yeah. And you picked a song that was going to showcase all of your weak points. I mean, you have no showmanship.

You have no bravado. You have no gravitas about no soul behind it. There's no soul behind. There's no soul. Yeah. Right. The eyes are a window to the soul and you're blind. Right. You should have sung like more money. Mo problems or something just so you can like wrap. Don't know. Yeah. they want from me is just.

Oh, I sent you a song that would be the hardest song to sing for this game. Oh, yeah. Um, wasn't it? I could be. I could be. I could be. Violin sky. I could be hair.

I forget that guy's name. Yeah, that song is so good. That song is so good. It's crazy. And he fucking dominates it. He sings like Freddie Mercury slash Celine Dion. Yeah, I feel like that song came out when I was in high school or college or something. You know, I only found out about it recently because it's a popular, it was like a popular TikTok meme

like a year ago. So then they discovered the song retroactively. That song is, it's doing a lot that song. I didn't seem like ring galee, ooh. Okay, so this is a segment called tell me about your last weekend or something, wherein you for the first time, how old is Gemma, your daughter? She is eight and a half months old.

OK, for the first time in eight and a half months, you took care of her without Jill. That's correct. That's correct. So we've done. We've done it. Eight months straight. Yeah's correct. That's correct. So Jill was there for eight months straight. Yeah, right. No, never ever has Jill slept away from the baby. I've done it a couple of times, gone on tour, et cetera.

Baby does not need me. She still thinks I'm her uncle. To the point where when Jill was going away, I kept on saying, I'm gonna to babysit Gemma this weekend. It's just childcare. It's just you will be with your daughter this weekend. Stop calling it babysitting. I'm taking care of Jill's daughter this weekend.

Yeah. I know that she's my daughter, but it is, watching her, I'm just calling it babysitting. But yeah, like, nobody trusted me with a baby. Nobody trusted me. Jill was like, I didn't trust myself. Jill was leaving for Miami. She was going to Miami for three days.

So two nights, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Thursday night, Friday night, and Saturday night. Leaving Thursday, coming back Sunday. Yeah, it's not like you did a baby step of like, let me leave for a day. Was there a talk of I can come back early if necessary? Yes, there was a lot of talk of like, I will come back early.

I always go like two am that night. Well, the entire time leading up to it, it was like a game of chicken. Like Jill was like, I'm gonna go on this trip. And I was like, yeah, okay, like book it. We'll see if you actually go. And then she's like, I'm gonna book it. We'll see if you actually go. And then she's like, I'm gonna book it. We'll see if you let me leave.

You know, like just like both of us, it was like we were playing a game of pretend with neither of us actually ever thinking she was gonna leave. Like Gemma just, she never ever wanted a bottle. Like I think I was never bottle like Jill had to. Yeah, yeah. She, I think at four weeks old, I gave her a bottle like I think that was not a thing like Jill had to yeah yeah she I think at four weeks old I gave her a bottle but as soon as she had like her

she could decide when her like sucking reflex would go in her you know whether whether or not she wanted to suck on it she would spit the bottle out she was not interested she would only so when she took I think like maybe five or six months. Okay. So she's going to bottle for a few months. Yeah. She lets the nanny give her a bottle during the day, but you'll like still nurses are when she's going to sleep.

And for whatever reason, she whenever I try to give her a bottle, she's just like, not you, you don't have it. You're an imposter. You're not him. Get the fuck out. And then so before Jill left, we're like, let's do a like a test. I'm gonna, Jill is home. I'm gonna go upstairs and try to put Gemma down. Like Jill does it all the time. How hard can it be? It sounded like I was murdering her. Like it was, she was Wednesday or Tuesday before.

Yeah, this was like Tuesday before she left. She, as soon as we go upstairs, she starts just going like, huh, huh. Just like, look here, I'm like, something's wrong. Nothing's not right here. I go to her room, I shut the door. This is all stuff Jill does. And she just starts, she goes batshit.

She's just like screaming. She knows, she knows something is off. Yeah. She's calling my bluff. And I, at a certain point, I stopped even trying to put her down. I'm just like standing there, like holding her, trying to get her to stop crying. But really, I'm just like holding her as close as I can to the door. So Jill, feel sorry for me to come in.

Is this okay? Cause she's gonna yell so loudly to Miami. How on earth is this gonna happen? We were just like, I think she's too smart for us to like play this game with her. We just have to like, you have to actually not be here. And you know, it's, people have done this for a long time. Like, yeah, and sometimes babies cry and they fall asleep. Yeah, she'll go to sleep. She'll go to sleep.

It might be hard on me, but, and it might be like, stressful for her, but she's ultimately, she's gonna go to sleep and it'll all be fine. Yeah. And then I still like, up until Jill left in the morning, I thought she was gonna change her mind. Yeah, I'll take you to the airport. Yeah, but then she was, then she was just one night,

she was gone. And didn't reply to my texts or calls for a week. So first night. First, I mean, it all, it went so much smoother than the trial run. It was like Gemma, it was like she took pity on me. Every, like, it was like she was like, this guy's hand over his head, I'm going to,

I'm just gonna be cool. Like that first night, for the first time ever, I mean, since she was like a month old, I put the bottle near her mouth, and she just like, she was like, ah, fuck it. And she drank the entire bottle. Yeah. Was it for like, she had, she eats solid foods now too. So she's like, she can eat when Jill's not there. It's no, it's breast milk that was frozen. We thought it, it's more just for comfort,

but she, yeah, she drank it. I sat in the little rocker near the crib. I read her a little story. She starts getting a little sleepy. I lay her in the crib. She falls asleep and stays asleep. Stays asleep and it was completely fine. But then I got too much confidence

because the next night, I got cocky. You took her to the bar. The next night we ran the whole entire thing back. I just wanna feel like she could hang. We did it, but at like 7.30, after I put her down at like 6.30, like wakes up when she starts crying a little bit and I am like, oh I wonder if she like sometimes she has to burp So I'm like, I think she just has a burp in there So I open the door to her room and it's sweltering Lee hot like for some reason the split system

Had the temperature set to 88 degrees. It's too hot. Like way too hot. It wasn't, it hadn't hit 88, but when I walked in, it felt like, you know, I walked into like a sauna. You checked in on it. Yeah, it was 83 degrees in her room. And you're like, oh my God, I made a terrible mistake.

Like, oh wow, this is, so I didn't know it's, so I'm like, she's crying. I tried to burp her. I opened the window to try to cool the room out. But then like I had to take her into the hallway where it was light, like in the other. I'm just we're just like wandering around the house at this point. And she's like getting increasingly upset, uh, screaming at me. I'm feeling like a moron because are you giving like play by play or is it like,

oh, it was fine. Or like, OK, I moved the degrees to 88, but now I opened a window. Do you think? She I'm not giving her that much play by play, but she is looking she's in Miami. She knows that it's bedtime She's looking at the mom monitor. Oh, and then she's like yeah, and see it. Yeah, she can see Like the first the first night she texted me after I was like in the room singing to Gemma and Jill was like, it's so cute. And I was like, you're spying on me. You can't do that.

You're spying. That's embarrassing. The second night, I was like, I see it's 88 in the corner of the room. Yeah, you can see the temperature. Luckily she didn't see that part. But she's like, I wonder why she's so upset. And then I told her that the room was 85 degrees.

And then I was paranoid about it the rest of the week. Cause I'm like, I didn't set it to that. It just for some reason. Every 30 minutes I got to check the temperature. Yeah. So then I was checking that all weekend. But no, I think the biggest struggle was on Saturday, where like day three, I didn't really know what to do. I felt like it was a day of just making sure

Gemma had everything, but always rushing. So to eliminate some of the, like the factors, I took Dingo to the doggy daycare. But like getting Gemma there, I had to get both of them in the car. By the way, this is all stuff Jill does like every single day. Yeah, so it's not a big deal for her, but for me, I'm like going to the car, it's cold out,

but like Gemma was upset getting into her jacket. I'm trying to get the dingo. So I'm like going outside with my shoes, just like smushed onto the back. My shoes are not on. I'm wearing a T-shirt, it's 28 degrees. I have like my jacket over my shoulder, because I'm like, I can't just put, I can't put this on.

I have to get everybody to the car. I'll get dressed once I'm there. And just to get your dog to a place where somebody else is taking care of him. Yeah, yeah, this is just so I can only have one baby. And one thing to look after. One responsibility. And then twice that day,

like I would be driving to do an errand and she'd fall asleep so I'm like, okay, well, I'm just gonna keep on driving, cause she's asleep. Sleep time is precious, yeah. Sleep time is like you can fast forward the day, it's like she's not mad, she's not upset. Right, she's asleep. Sleep time is precious, yeah. Sleep time is like you can fast forward the day. It's like she's not mad, she's not upset. Right, she's passed out.

Yeah. And the better she sleeps during the day, the better she sleeps at night. But like I would be in the car on the way back from dropping off Dingo, she falls asleep and a 20 minute airing turns into like just me driving around for an hour and 40 minutes circling, but getting closer to my house because when she gets up,

I want to be there instead of just like 20 minutes away. Yeah, so like the last 20 minutes is just me going around the block in our neighborhood. Yeah, and Jill could see that too. She has the life that she could track me. Yeah, by the end of it, by the end of like all of these days, I was just like, I would put Gemma in there and I would just like the house was utterly destroyed because these days, I was just like, I would put Gemma in there and I would just like,

the house was utterly destroyed. Cause you walk around and you're like, okay, you're like, you want to play on the ground? Let's dump out all these toys, all these books. Oh no, you don't want to do this anymore. You're hungry, let's go into the kitchen, but nobody's cleaning up that thing. That's usually what I do when Jill takes her somewhere.

Yeah. So like, I'd come to- So you need two to three adults per baby. Imagine having another baby. At the end of the, at the end of every single day, I would come down to like living room is destroyed, huge mess in the kitchen, laundry's half done. Everything is just like on the floor.

You gave up so much to the point where like, I wasn't even, I was just like kicking my shoes off loose in the hallway, Dingo's leash is on the ground. And then it took me like, oh, I guess each night I ordered, I ordered food. Oh yeah, I ordered food and somebody stole it off of the front porch one night. Which was very funny. It's like, it's, I'm so dead tired. which was very funny. It's like, I'm so dead tired.

9 p.m. I finally get like a burrito delivered. And I go out and it's just not there. I look at the ring and I just see a guy wander up our front steps, grab it and walk away. So I have to worry about him the rest of the weekend too. You text me Jill. It happened again. Yeah.

The burrito thief. He's coming back for me I think. Well you come home now. So Jill comes home on Sunday. Are you like Jesus thank God. I need a four day break of my own. Yeah. I mean I was like by the time she got home I I was like, oh, this is, I didn't

feel like I needed a four day break, but I felt like this is going to be awesome. I can do something for myself for the first time in three days. Right. Rather than constantly be thinking about keeping this thing alive and happy. Yeah. And she went to bed so early and I had like three hours to myself every single night, but it wasn't like, it wasn't, all that could possibly be was just like laying on the couch.

Like there was, I think there was one night where I started watching a movie and I didn't like it. I didn't even have the energy to turn it off. So I just started looking at my phone as it was playing. I like was just lying on the floor on my phone as a movie was playing and somebody else was eating my burrito down the street Did you end up ordering another burrito? That night I did yes. Yes, I did. I didn't write 930 that night. Yeah, it was great

It was worth the wait too. All right. So now that you know how Kind of doable it is. I feel like yeah isn't that the, the best mix? Like you can go away for a few days, recharge your batteries. Jill can go away for a few days. Or is the lesson here we can never leave ever again. No, I think, I think it gets easier. I think that Jill could like, if anything, this was harder on Jill than on me at

Gemma, cause like, she was constantly like looking, checking worries. Well, she was like, you're not going to be able to do this without me. Or she. Cause like- She was constantly like looking, checking, worried. Well, she was like, you're not going to be able to do this without me. She wasn't like that dismissed. She was like, this is going to be really hard, whatever. Like she was worried about us. And then when she left, and I told her that the first day went well,

she just responded, she doesn't need me. Now I'm definitely coming. Right. Now I'm upset, but the other direction. And we bonded so we almost bonded too hard over that three days. Cause now when I like leave the room, she gets really upset. And when I like, even last week or two weeks ago, I was able to like give her to other people, like when Jill's dad was over, like Gemma would like go, or go to my brother or whatever.

And then at the end of that weekend, she like wouldn't go to her uncle. She wouldn't go to her grandfather. She just wanted to like be in my arms, which was fucking awesome. Like in three days, you untrained eight and a half months of bonding. And then she got home and saw Jill and started crying.

Who is this stranger? She was, no, she was so happy when she saw Jill. But then as soon as I, like, we're all like laying on the floor in the living room and then I stood up and Gemma was like, just jerked her head and it's like looking for me and Jill was like, Oh my God, she likes you more than me now. Wow. But she doesn't. Tables have turned. I you more than me now. Wow. But she doesn't. The tables have turned.

I'm the bottle guy now. One last question. When you slept and it was just you, were you like half asleep or were you able to go into full restful sleep? I can always go into full restful sleep. But I normally, I don't even wake up. Or wake up at 4 AM to pee or you like, let me go check on her.

Or you're like, oh, whatever, she's fine. I look at, yeah, when I woke up in the middle of the night, I looked at the monitor. I wouldn't go in there, but I looked at the monitor. I looked at the heating system, made sure that it was a crisp 74 in her room. But like when Jill is home, I'll sleep through the night and then I'll wake up

and I'll be like, wow, Gemma slept last night. And she was like, she was actually up at midnight two and four. Like I don't know, I don't notice that. But when Jill was gone, I, like she was crying in the middle of the night one night and I, and I heard it. So I think there's something in my, in my body that unlocked when I, when it knew that I was the only adult. Yeah, you had to be on call a little bit. Yeah, I remember one time of it all, his mom was telling us because her brother had a baby and she's like, once you have a baby, you never sleep again.

I'm like, OK, let's file that. Oh, yeah. You never sleep again. I think it's true. But it's like, I think one of the people never sleeps again because I You sleep again. I slept I sleep fine. I say Jill was always a light sleeper and she doesn't sleep that much still, but everything is good for me All right, good to know you survived survived and thrived and advanced. Yeah. Yeah

and Next time next time you should come out, we can do it together. Kind of like keep Dingo this next time. You don't have to give him away. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. How long was he there? Doggy daycare style.

Just for the day, just for Saturday. That's good. Yeah. No, I wouldn't give him away overnight. I still need my guy around. I just wanted him to get his energy out. You know, so cold exercise, of course. Yeah.

Thank you to Helix for sponsoring this episode of our show. Love you, Helix. Woo. My gosh. I mean, this is probably the goat mattress. And it's the only one you sleep on, Jake. That's right. That's right. When I travel and I'm not on my helix, I'm actually miserable. Jesus. And so now that you're back home, you're sleeping well.

I'm very, I'm insufferable to be around. Yes. Now I'm a little angel. Everyone loves me. But if I have one night of sleep, not on helix, I'm a bastard little devil boys who everyone and anyone around me. Yeah, that's something you should work on. What'd you say? In the mattress situation. You have to take the helix sleep'd you say? The mattress situation. What'd you say? You have to take the Helix sleep quiz, right? Test, yes. Sleep quiz.

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We know it's been a while. Yeah, too long. So go to helixsleep.com slash segments and use that code helixpartner20. Thanks, Helix. Oh, yeah. Thank you to Rocket Money for sponsoring this episode of our show. Oh, indeed.

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and then 11 months later, you're still paying for it. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, then monitors your spendings and help lower your bill. Yeah, look, even if you want all of your subscriptions, you might as well use Rocket Money just to take the inventory of what you're spending on. You should know. I would agree. Rocket Money just to take the inventory of what you're spending on. You should know.

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rocketmoney.com slash segments. Segments. Thanks, Rocket Money. ["Hands up!" by Rocket Money plays in the background.] All right, we're back. One last segment I like to call Tech Talk. TikTok. Tech Talk. No call Tech Talk. Tick Tock. Tech Talk.

No, Tech Talk. Right. There's a pretty exciting new bit of technology out there that I wanted to run by you slash tell you about. See what you think about it. This is the Apple glasses. Yeah, it's the Apple Vision Pro. It's their first new product since 2015 when they released the iWatch Which were really also skeptical of the iWatch?

Yes, and I still am and I still think it sucks and wearable tech. This is like the next evolution of that It's basically it's goggles VR goggles that you put on your face and it's like augmented computer system So I thought these were already out or were they just announced and now they're like for sale? Correct, they announced it like in, I don't know, September and then now you can actually purchase slash use so people are buying it for $4,000 and using it like as a, they basically turned their computer into like this

augmented minority report style. So it's like, I'm looking at you and then I grab it and make it bigger. Now there's a giant big screen TV and then I look to the right and I put my iTunes there on the wall and then I look to the left and there's a FaceTime happening and then I walk down the hall

and I put art on the wall. So like everything is like virtual AR, VR, hybrid computer on my face. Yeah. That kind of aesthetic has never appealed to me. Like I saw that video you sent me where that guy has like a big screen and then his email, a shopping list, like pink, yeah, exactly.

refrigerator. But it's all like 3D. It's all digital. Yeah. Like when you watch that video, are you like, this looks awesome? When I watch the video, I'm like, oh, I'd like to try it, but I can't imagine wearing the VR all day, every day in my house, like to actually access this stuff. Yeah, and doesn't have to be plugged in? It has to be plugged into a battery pack that you wear on your asses.

Ass. I would walk around. Yeah, I'd love to try them on. I'm not saying I wouldn't, I'm not so against it that I wouldn't even try it on. But like the only thing I could actually see myself using it for is VR porn. Interesting, yeah.

I'm not going to spend $4,000 on that, you know? No, how should you? Yeah, like I don't, that guy's like computer setup where he has like three or four monitors or something. I don't have a job where that is a requirement. I get like 10 emails and a bunch of texts throughout the day.

I have a couple of meetings, but it's not like I don't need a second monitor, let alone the ability to like pin in and large. Yeah, anything. But like, let's say you go to a coffee shop or you're on an airplane and you have your little laptop, right? If you had the goggles, you can, in theory, you have a giant big screen TV playing a football game

while you're also typing an email and you don't even need the computer. You're just fucking air typing on a fake keyboard. You sort of get over the fact that you look crazy because you're air typing. You can air type? Yeah, there's a virtual keyboard. Some people use a real keyboard and some people are just like air typing on the virtual keyboard that comes up on your thing. Yeah. The virtual keyboard is the first time that I'm like, that's kind of cool. But like, yeah, I can wear it outside slash on things. And I don't think I

would ever get over looking like a loser. So for that reason alone, I'm out. But also the tech aspect of it isn't even that compelling that I'm like, damn, I wish I wasn't so vain that I could get over it because this is so awesome. So like, I think it's mildly cool. Well, I'll tell you this. Yeah, mildly cool. Yeah, no, you can continue.

Is that what we're saying? No. And you're intrigued. It's mildly cool, but I think the downside of the cost, looking stupid and just the general notion of being like more plugged in than less, which is something it's something that I would not really want in my life. So I'm out.

But I think that virtual keeping is fine. The looking stupid thing. Did you not think about that with the AirPods that you're currently wearing? Didn't you once think that it looked like little cigarettes in your ears? Oh, I don't know. I guess I must have. I think the looking stupid thing fades as more people use it. Like, I do remember the general sentiments like, what is that?

Like, you have two little nubs in your ears and now it looks so commonplace. Yeah. Yeah. Remember, like the idea of seeing somebody with the Bluetooth that your piece was very funny. And then also another cool thing you could do with the VR AR this vision pro thing, you let's say you put it on and then you go into and you're playing with Gemma and it's recording the whole thing in your house. Then in 10 years, you can put it on and like walk through your house

and see Gemma there again as a little baby, as a little child. That's like disturbing. I. So it's like interactive videos and photos. Right. I don't think I would. I think I don't think my heart could handle that. That wouldn't be good for me.

Your head could. Your heart that couldn't. Yeah. No, that sounds like. That sounds like we shouldn't have that power. That's too. It's going too far. Okay. What about this interior design?

You walk into your room and you're like, click to make your wall green, change your couch to this, and you can literally walk around and visualize that room Yeah, I Guess I would need to like see it to believe it because every time I've put on like VR glasses And somebody's like doesn't this feel like you're there. I'm like No, it doesn't it's blurry and it hurts my head. Yeah, it's I've never ever felt like

Whoa, this is the future every time I put it on. I'm like wow, this is a weird contraption That is quite getting it right. Yeah, which a lot of people I put it on the first gen like imagine the first iPhone were you on board right away? Maybe not it didn't look great, but then it like iterates it makes it smaller gets sharper, it lighter, it hurts less. It's less like crazy and weird. Yeah. So I'm happy that it's happening, I suppose. I'm not like, I'm not like this is so dumb that nobody should be wearing it. It's fine by me. And if they get really, really good, I could see me trying one on. Yeah. But lighter goggles, once it's already been more socially acceptable, but you're already starting

to see people in New York walking around with them on, which is kind of crazy. Yeah, I mean, there's something sad to me about, I'm just imagining being at my house cooking breakfast with the family. And right now, I watch. You're doing the goggles. Yeah, like watching YouTube.

I want to watch, say, I watch soccer in the like, and we have a projector in the living room. I put the projector down, play in the game, and I can like go into the kitchen and I'm still listening. Everyone's listening. It's like loud to everyone. Yeah. But it feels like even though I'm doing this thing, I'm still present. If I was walking around in goggles, would people even talk to me in my house with the norming they'd have to explore you slash shame you into taking it off

I'm like cooking eggs, but like just looking over to my right because that's where I pinned the soccer I'm talking to Jill at the table, but I pinned the soccer game right to her face. It's Lionel Messi deep fake talking. Yeah Did you pick up the eggs today? Hello? a little messy, deep fake talking to you. Did you pick up the eggs today? Hello, can you hear me? Can I have your autograph? Cause your brain doesn't fucking realize it's not Christiano Ronaldo.

I'll tell you what it does. It looks, it makes me not look forward to, but it makes me like think about retirement or like living in an old folks home someday. Like I'll just, I will plug my shit into that. And that's what I'll do. Like I think I'll get into it when I can no longer be out there and experience the world.

I think about visiting my grandfather in his old folks home and like, you know, I walked in, he had a roommate, he's watching like a Dartmouth football game on a 15 inch tube screen TV, you know, and that's his like escape. So I look, I'm like, oh, I'm lucky that when I'm like bedridden or whatever my old age, I could, I could look over at my roommate

and that would be Leonel Messi. And I could look up at my orderly changing Changing my bedpan and that's Cristiano Ronaldo. How cool would it be to have fucking, who's the son on Tottenham, the Korean player? Youngmin Son? Yeah, how cool would it be to have him? Yeah, actually that would be a good Y name. Youngmin Son.

Just fucking changing. I think it starts with an age. Yeah, really? Yeah, yeah Sing again. Yeah, I was gonna say like to have them change your diaper or whatever Yeah, kind of and and it will yeah, that's kind of sick. Yeah, but it's also new I'm also like intrigued enough to try it and there is a two-week return policy I'm like should I just buy one to have it for a week and return it just to like see what it would be like? Get it when I'm there.

We can do it as a segment. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, we can go pick one up and have it, two of us wearing virtual goggles looking at each other. And it also helps with like that, like if you're in a room in New York, I'm in a room in LA, but it looks like we're occupying the same space. That's kind of cool. Yeah, I'm in a room in LA, but it looks like we're in the same. We're occupying the same space. That's kind of cool.

Yeah. I would be, I would definitely be intrigued, but then if people were watching the video of this podcast, um, we would be wearing goggles, which would be great. But our screen would have our digital eyes like blinking. Oh, really? Seconds. Yeah. They have like a digital pass through and they say like when I play my Oculus the the mini golf game it like gives me a headache after 45 minutes because it's sort of like light and rudimentary

They say that this one is so sharp and that you can wear it for hours at a time And it doesn't give you a headache of course There's also some people on Twitter like the headset's too heavy. It hurt my neck. I can never wear it It runs the gamut. I can see that because I have Apple, the AirPods Maxes, and they, they're pretty heavy. I can't wear them all day. Yeah. The headset is 28 pounds and it's really forward. Wow.

Yeah. No, let's get it for a segment when I come out. How's your back? Is it getting better? It feels you're gonna have to need. Yeah. You're going to need a lot of upper back strength to hold this headset up. Yeah, I would hate for that to condense my sacrum at all, my spinal column.

Do you know I found out I have scoliosis? No, I didn't know that. Yeah, when they took an X-ray of my back to see what was up, they have a tiny little bit of scoliosis. That means your spine is sort of wavy? It has like a tiny little bit of scoliosis. That means your spine is sort of wavy? It has like a tiny little bit of a curve. Yeah, I think it's like less than five degrees or something. So it wouldn't have like shown up on a visual test, but the doctor was also like,

yeah, I don't know why, like the way they check for scoliosis is like once in seventh grade, but like you haven't had your growth spurt yet. And it's like, yeah, you might have not had it in seventh grade. But did anyone ever look at you at your back again? And I was like, no, no, they didn't. And I did grow like six inches between eighth and 12th grade. So, yeah. Yeah.

They do they don't do a lot of things that they should. And then you go and just after one day and like, did you ever do that? Like, no, nobody ever does anything. Yeah, anyway, you have a spine thing now, because nobody thinks to ever check it. So your hip might hurt forever. So the goggles actually would help that. They would allow a doctor, a chiropractor,

to come in there and sort of adjust you virtually. Well, they would let me just be on bed rest for the rest of my life. I would never have to put pressure on my feet or back again I could go hang gliding in Tangier if I wanted to Chem is like, well, you play with me. I'm six years old get away from me. You're not quiet Harry Kane Little Harry Kane wants to play with me. I'm playing Harry Kane. I'm playing little Harry Kane wants to play with me.

I'm playing FIFA 29. Fuck. You weigh 435 pounds at this point. Okay, that's enough. We've talked enough. That's tech talk. We discussed, we played, we teched, we talked. I'm glad we got to the bottom of it.

We're both going to get the headset today quite frankly That's awesome And if you have ideas for segments leave them below if you're watching this on YouTube Appreciate you if you're listening that's fine too. Hey, however you consume this content as long as you're wearing a headset during During as long as you're here. Yeah, as long as you're watching during family dinner And we are still making videos on our Patreon, patreon.com.jav. Weekly videos. Sometimes we're writing Jake in a mirror.

Sometimes we're watching Jake in a mirror. There's hundreds of videos at this point. And we're watching you fire. Yeah, that's right. Right now we are going through fire. Better than we remember. And it's great. It's great.

Especially when it warps up. Okay. And we'll be back, of course, next week. Thank you for listening. Namaste. Goodbye. Ciao forever. Bye. That was a hit, dumb original.