If I Were You - 15: Trust

Episode Date: August 12, 2013

In this episode we discuss jealousy, trust, and the pros and cons of hooking up with your neighbor.This episode is brought to you by 20Jeans.com! 20 dollar jeans. Because paying more is kind of dumb now.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

I sent a dirty text to someone I killed a dog in this door cause I am dumb I went to marry a man off on a bus I tried to kill myself in a Starbucks I eat noodles alone at my desk every lunch If I am confused and YouTube just won't do I could write an e-mail to you Or a voice message to you

Wow, hello, hello, hello Hailey That was Hailey Cowan with some sort of amazing intro song for us Yeah, just give me a couple months and we're gonna make her Hailey her width I think I just fell in love with her I can't believe you would make her change your last name I think she'd want to You chauvinistic pig You sexist prick

I'll change my last name to Cowan then How's that Hailey? If you're as pretty as you sound If you're as beautiful as I've just invented in my mind How unattractive can someone who can make that song up be? Right, like your voice is angelic so just buy I think you're an angel Have you ever heard of love at first sight?

Well, this is love at first, I don't know, ear Sound The other sense I feel like Hailey is the name of a girl that you could fall in love with just based on the name Yeah, based on the name alone, is it spelled with a Y? Yep, H-A-Y-L-E-Y Will you marry me? Is this crazy?

Is this crazy? Yes, it is, but fuck Fuckin' crazy is not what we're going for, right, Hailey? Hailey's married with three kids No Shit Anyway, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us I'm Amir

And I'm Jake Unless are you hosting another advice podcast on the side? You're so insecure What? Holy shit, you're insecure Yesterday you didn't want to record, you said you were doing something Oh my god, and you jumped to the conclusion that I was hosting another advice podcast? And yet you still haven't answered the question

I am, I absolutely am How did you know? And even if I were, that'd be fine Ass You don't own me This is episode 15, can you imagine? Started from the bottom and now we're here Yeah, you know, when we first started this, I never thought we'd get to episode 15

Really, I did Really? Yeah, 15's like not even that much I just, what do you think would happen? I wasn't sure we were even going to release the first episode Oh, you thought we'd record it and never release it I thought we'd record it, listen to it, be like, that was fucking embarrassing Let's erase this from ever happening

Is that a shower curtain that you've hung up? Yeah I just want to tell you guys, we record this in Amir's apartment And now we walked in Why don't you tell everyone what I walked into today? Well, if you've listened to the last couple episodes, we couldn't record them here We record them in a very cavernous place And now the Echo Room has me off

We recorded them in a cave Yeah, so this time I wanted to do things right I googled how to reduce Echo in a room And they said to turn flat, flat, bouncy services like walls into soft, you know, sound-absorbent services So as you enter the apartment, you'll notice what? There are, Amir has put his shower rod in between a large window in the living room and draped a blanket over it It looks like you've hung a flannel shirt over a painting over there There's a towel over the TV, a towel over the door

Anywhere, anywhere Amir can hang a towel or a blanket You have It looks insane, but you know what? It's going to sound good I love it The last episodes being Echoing was your biggest nightmare You lost sleep over it Yes, I would read tweets that said, damn that Echo And it would just make me sweat

Wow I hate it, I hate it so much But I'm glad people still listened and enjoyed it Actually, our last two episodes were our two most listened to episodes ever Wow, despite the Echo Yeah Or maybe because of the Echo Maybe we were doing something right

Right, right, right, right, right So thanks everyone for listening If this is your first episode, this is how it goes down People are in difficult places, sticky situations And they email us for help They email us at ifirouchowatgmail.com And we do our best to, well, we do go through every single email And we do our best to try to answer the ones that we think will yield the funniest results

Would you say that's accurate? Yeah, sorry, I've been just staring at the blanket on the window But yeah Essentially, that is true I look like I got like everything wet And now I'm dry That's what I thought when I walked in I was like, is this what he usually does when he does

I guess I've never come over when you were doing laundry I dry every towel I was gonna say like you shouldn't dry the towel on the TV And actually I walked in and I touched it I was like, I guess it's pretty dry, that's fine It's bone dry as of now If I had my druthers and one day I will I'm gonna live in an entire carpeted apartment

Or just like inhabit some sort of studio space that I can live in Just completely sound absorbent, non echoey That's cold recording studio That's the dream to start recording this in a recording studio But then we're gonna remember these You know, it hasn't been the same since we left the apartment Episode 15, that energy, can't recapture that Can't recapture that energy

That's you talking to my tombstone when I die in episode 17 So anyway, that's my other advice podcast Sorry about starting without telling you, but you're dead Yeah, so let's jump right into things And as always, we're gonna preserve your anonymity By giving every email a fake name So let's start with this one We'll call him Danny

Danny Danny, fake name, real email writes My GF started being really clingy and annoying After her dad died in a car accident So I broke up with her But now she's telling everyone that I'm a dick How do I stop these annoying rumors from spreading? Oh man, your life's really hard

Yeah, because now there's rumors that are annoying And how do you even deal with that? Yeah, do you talk to your living father about it? Oh my god This is probably the least self-aware I wish I could give away the email Because it's so dumb But I'm trying to think of an equivalent stupid email

I guess I'll say the email is equivalent to Fatblunt6969 Yeah, I would say that Wait, is it a Gmail? Yeah, it's a Gmail Interesting You would think that somebody that had that bad of an email Would be like Yahoo or Hotmail

He's not that terrible The way to stop these annoying rumors from spreading Is to stop being an awful person Just by your email, you're probably the most horrible person That I've never met Yeah, you know Well, fuck, yeah I don't know what to say other than you're an asshole

What do you think you should not have broken up with your girlfriend? Yeah You think you should have stayed? I think there's like a period where you have to You know, if she's your girlfriend, you sort of have to deal with the Quote unquote clingy and annoying phase Which is probably just her seeking solace in her boyfriend And you know, you can't really break up with someone right after that tragic thing happens

I'd like to know the timeline That's what I need Like, did you do it day of? So you're like, were you doing it? And she's like, I'm gonna break up with her Today is the day and then she calls and I was like, my dad's dead And she's like, oh fuck, now I'm like But like, I'm already committed, like I'm sorry

I was seriously mid-sentenced I think we should see my dad's dead Other what? People, shit Don't be clingy, don't be annoying Don't tell people that I'm a dick Yeah, Jesus, you know what I think there's two options

One, don't be a dick Stay by her side until she's Made a sort of recovery of sorts Or to Accept the fact that you're a dick Yeah, why do you want to prevent these annoying rumors? These aren't even rumors, it's true It's a fact, she's telling people that you broke up with her

After her dad died And that's actually what happened You might be a dick But you know what, a lot of people are dicks sometimes I'm not saying you're always a dick That was kind of a dick move People make dick moves And hopefully with the rest of your life

You can just Dedicate the rest of your life to not making more dick moves And then you're not a dick So if you treat this as like a turning point in your life You're like, oh my god, I can't believe how big of a dick I used to be You can still say face, you know During the next generation of your life Like if this is high school and you're going to college

Or if this is college and you're going to whatever you're going to after college I assume, I mean I want you to be dead But like if you end up getting a job or something Oh my god, awful You said it, you said it first You said I want you to be dead I took the next logical step

That's not fair dude Don't make me feel like a dick like this guy Start the annoying rumors from spreading Fuck that Alright, let's move on to something less severe and intense This one comes from Aunt Becky Oh, Aunt Becky

Fake name, really, Emile Hey guys, my name is Aunt Becky I've been dating this guy for a little over a year We are both 20 in college and have broken up twice But gotten back together He has trust issues and doesn't want me hanging out with any of my guy friends Because he thinks guys are too flirty He doesn't talk or hang out with any girls

So I kind of feel obligated to have equality in the relationship Is it right to give up talking Or to hang out with my male friends in order to earn his trust Have either of you guys asked their girlfriend of yours to stop talking to multiple guy friends of hers? Hope to hear an answer from you soon Thanks, Becky Really interesting question But the relationship sounds stable

They've been together a year and they've only broken up twice That's a little average, I'd say So that's 12 months with two breakups Alright, not too bad So that's what every six months you guys break up or something Yeah, maybe we're like at month four and eight They've broken up and they're due for another one Cool, that's fair

So it sounds like it's worth fighting for It's worth saving Especially if you guys have been together a whole, yeah 365 days And I don't know how many of those days you've spent broken up Well, the problem is it's hard to count the days because she's not allowed to speak or see her friends How does she quantify days? So your other question was have we ever asked a girlfriend of ours to stop seeing or hanging out with multiple guy friends

And the answer is no because we're not insane Yeah, this girl's 20, she doesn't realize that her boyfriend, maybe her first boyfriend Is asking something that's terrible Right, I think a lot of the times people in their first relationships don't really You don't really know what's normal in a relationship until you've been in several Right And then like sometimes two relationships down the line would be like Oh, that girl I dated two years ago was insane

Yeah, I didn't realize she was emotionally abusive until I found someone who was normal and let me spoke to my guy friends Yeah, it's not normal that this guy isn't speaking with any, like And what do you mean earn his trust? Have you done anything to break his trust? Yeah, she had a, her guy friend called her yesterday She picked up just to tell him that she couldn't talk to him But that was technically talking to a guy friend Jesus Christ, default should be trust Unless you've like, unless you've cheated on him every single time you guys have been breaking up

In which case, you know what, he shouldn't be going out with you Yeah, I can't, this is so weird, like to make a rule where you can't speak to someone of the opposite sex But I've heard of that before So if I, like, don't take it, don't put that picture on Facebook Like, my girlfriend doesn't want me to be in a photo with other girls Or can you not talk to me in public because my boyfriend doesn't want to see me speaking to other girls Yeah, that's crazy Think about, like, it, I can almost understand, like, how in the moment it's like

Oh, yeah, I don't want to, like, I'd rather not have this fight Like, with my boyfriend, so like, let's just not even talk because it's not pleasant But think about the rest of your life Like, not just your being 20 For the rest of your life, if you stay with this guy, he will not want you to talk to people Is that a normal thing when you're 25, 28, when you're turning 30 When you guys are like, half kids and you're taking them to preschool Oh my god, could you imagine if she has a boy?

Like, she can't even speak to her own son Are you not allowed to raise your son? Are you talking to Bobby? Are you a dictator husband's rules? Don't talk to that son, alright? I'm afraid you guys will hook up Hey, okay, um, actually Bobby has sort of a parent teacher conference today Yeah, well, are any of the teachers men? Because, uh, I don't understand how you're gonna converse with them

You know the rule You shouldn't even be talking to our goddamn child, honestly Why did you leave the dungeon that I'm keeping you in? And please do not breastfeed our son for the love of god Nobody's sucking on his teas but me Hey, little Randy, just got to sloppy second base with my wife How's that fair? Randy's a six month old baby, you ass

And I saw him get a tiny little boner on it I saw the world's tiniest boner when he was suckling on your teeth It doesn't think six months ago when Randy was coming out of your vagina I didn't see him fucking smiling about it Practically ate out my goddamn wife right in front of me Well, I was videotaping the thing How do you think that makes me feel? What if you have a girl and she's like, oh, great

My wife's a lesbian now Breastfeeding her daughter That's how it works Every conversation is two people making love Where does it end, Becky? Where does it end? I'll tell you where it ends Right now

Yeah, tell your boyfriend that you don't want to be with him Say, alright, here's a new rule Here's my new rule I can speak to whoever I want And if you don't agree with that, then let's break up And then he'll be either like, alright, fine, let's break up Which is great because this guy sounds like a real asshole Or he'll be like, no, no, no, okay

You can talk to other people and then you can say like Right, then you'll be talking to other people And he'll secretly be hating it the entire time So my advice is to straight up break up Straight up break up That's what's up Can that be my new catchphrase? Straight up break up

That's what's up What happened to Yo Do You? Yo Do You? Hashtag dope Straight up break up That's what's up Straight up break up Straight up break up

That's what's up I don't have a second verse yet Because I just came up with the first I'm just glad I hung all these towels around So that the song is at least recorded well The way it deserves to be Yeah, if there was two echo in here You would have lost that

Well, the real recorded version will probably have a lot of echo Straight up, straight up, break up That's what's up Isn't that like a TLC song? Straight up, break up, hold up Mr. Lava, like Prince said You're a sexy mother Am I a hack?

Maybe it's straight up, wait up I hope it's straight up, wait up Which sounds better than straight up, break up Well, hey Alright, so Ant Becky, straight up, break up That's what's up We don't like this guy He's not good

He's not good for you I really don't think And we know you Yeah Just based on your email we know enough to tell you that She's a serial cheater that can't be a rad man No Nymphomaniac

Alright, let's move on to the next email From Ant Becky to Uncle Jesse Wow Uncle Jesse writes I think my next door neighbor wants to hook up with me Is that a good idea or a bad idea? Short and sweet Right to the point

I like Uncle Jesse already I think my next door Let's just answer the exact same Let's answer on three Well, each of us think Cause I think I have a theory on what you're gonna say So you're saying That's just a yes or no answer, should I?

Yeah, or a good idea or a bad idea Okay One, two, three Good idea Oh yeah, I knew it I knew we weren't gonna see eye to eye on this shit You think it's a good idea I think it's a great idea

It's a terrible idea Why? Why is it a... Cause imagine every girl that you hooked up with And then stopped hooking up with And then having to see that person live across from your hall For the rest of the time that you're in that apartment That's not something you want

You want space, you want distance You don't want to keep your home life Conversely Conversely Imagine just like Oh, I'm tired, I don't want to go out But like, oh shit, I could just knock on a door And have somebody to hang out with

To cuddle, to sleep with That sounds pretty ideal to me So you're saying Okay, this is exactly our big discrepancy in life I'm thinking of the long-term amplifications And you're thinking of while you're hooking up How great it is You're living in the moment

Living in the moment Why don't you fast forward? Fast forward? Yeah Having sex with one of my other neighbors Problem solved So you don't think there's any negative ramifications? I don't know, well yeah, definitely there are

But shit, it's gonna be a fun ride while it's happening You ride roller coasters And sometimes you feel sick afterwards, don't you? But hey, don't you like going upside down? Don't you like feeling the wind against your face? I know I do It's funny because I don't like roller coasters For that exact reason

The wind against your face? More than anything else, I hate the wind against my face Amir hates the moment too Yeah, I can't enjoy the moment Because I know what the next three hours will be like Wow What a glorious little prison you live in I look around and it's towel covered

My brain won't let me enjoy things Because it knows that I will Yeah, suffer for it at a later hour Interesting, my brain won't let me protect myself Against long term ramifications Because, well, my penis is the boss of me It's sort of the little admiral more than anything else Like a Napoleon sort of in charge of the entire army

Well, I resent you calling it little, but yeah Essentially, I understand, you know, next to the rest of my body I imagine is what you're saying No, I'm saying, I'm saying it's an actual small little Micro penis A little guy, a little, little peen-peen A pretty much inverted peen That somehow controls you from the inside

Like, who's that boss on Ninja Turtles? The brain inside of the body Oh, crang Yeah, crang My penis is my crang Yeah, your penis is your crang My penis is the boss and my phone is its little minion You're still gonna plan on getting rid of your phone?

Well, I need to because I think I need to chop the head off my dick I ain't chop the head off my dick I think, I think my, my penis tells my phone what to do Yeah Like this little fucking, I'm holding up my phone right now Yeah, that little thin deck of fire That little three inch by one inch plastic disc This glass temptress

Your penis controls the phone My penis controls the phone My penis controls me So you're gonna, instead of cut off your dick, cut off your phone Yeah, that's, that's my last resort And that's gonna I think force me to be a better person I hope

But can you live without Snapchat, Instagram, Tinder, Facebook, Twitter? Email, text messages? I'll still have email on my computer Yeah What else do I need? Text No, text, text kill me, man I mean, I should not have text

I shouldn't be allowed to text You can't, you think you're, I guess you have a little level of being self-aware that you're cutting yourself off Without like being able to have the actual willpower not to text I have no willpower And I think the strongest thing I've ever done is recognize that And that's, I know that's a sad statement I'm aware everybody that's shedding a tear for me in their car or at work or on the subway right now Suck it back into your eye hole, I'm completely aware

Yeah, I'm too, I am, I give into, into temptation I know no boundaries I need to, so like my sober thoughts, my like morning time thoughts are just like get rid of your phone Have you ever thought about therapy? I, you, we talked about hypnotism Yeah, hypnotherapy Our friend, our friend who was addicted to cigarettes got hypnotized and hasn't smoked in almost two months now Yeah

So, which is pretty crazy, the hypnotherapist was able to like access parts of her brain that she's unable to otherwise Right Maybe that's what you're talking about, like a hard rewiring deeper in That's what I need So you're like, you're like, you're patching, you're patching like a hole on a surface where like Maybe the hypnotherapist can get in and like completely recalibrate your while That would be great But my first question when we talked about me getting hypnotized, because I said I didn't want to pay for it

But you said you would pay $200 for me to be hypnotized Yeah And I asked my friend if the hypnotist was hot And she said she was a stone cold stunner She did say she was really cute Yeah, which made you want to go even more Yeah, like what the fuck It's already failing you

Right Uh, where were we? I think we were going on to the next question Oh no, oh no, we were still on this question Which is what? Should Jesse hook up with his neighbor? I say yes, you say no Oh yeah, I say yes, oh yeah, I say no, Jake says yes Hopefully the answer, I guess, I don't know, what do you guys think?

Why don't you email us in and let us know your opinion? I mean, I feel like it's too sticky of a situation to get involved in I think he's even asking that he already has He just wanted that, like that's something I would do You would never be like, oh dude, my neighbor is like really hot She wants to hook up with me, should I do it? You would just know that you shouldn't Right

And me, I would say should I do it? Meanwhile, I probably already have So Uncle Jesse, if you are listening And I know you are listening, please let us know if you have yet Right And when you break up or things fall apart I want you to call in and let us know how miserable your life is No, I know people that have married you

I know people that have married their neighbors That's not fair How stupid, how short-sighted this entire thing was Let us know how good the sex was Let us know how good the sex was Let us know how awesome it was coming home drunk after striking out at a bar Knocking on your neighbor's door and being able to fuck someone Let us know how good that felt

You're squeezing my thigh I'm trying to fuck you I think I just snapchatted you I'm sorry for yelling at you Jesse You didn't deserve that I was projecting You just fill out a brief questionnaire And get matched with a licensed therapist

And you can switch therapists at any time For no additional charge It's incredibly helpful Therapy has helped millions of people Over thousands of years So give therapy a try It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life I've tried therapy, it's been very helpful

So you can find that balance better With better help All you gotta do is go to betterhelp.com If I were you You do that today You can get 10% off your first month So the prices are already affordable Because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere

That you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room This is done entirely online But you're still getting professional licensed help And it's extra affordable That's betterhelp.com If I were you Check him out Thanks Better Help

Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show Wow For years and years and years We've been ranting and raving about Squarespace Because it's the best way for dummies like me And potentially you That don't necessarily know how to code or design To create a professional looking website

So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself Or a loved one Or you wanna sell stuff online You can do an online store They have 24-7 live customer support Email campaigns Data You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace

For example I didn't even look this up But there's no way you can't buy Amir Blumenfeld is a good dude.com I bet that's available And you can have it today And you can buy it through Squarespace And build an awesome website dedicated to me

Or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life And maybe you wanna give somebody a gift This season A summer birthday coming up Who doesn't want a website So the best way to do that Is to go to squarespace.com Slash if I were you for a free trial

And when you're ready to launch Just use that offer code If I were you to save 10% Off your first purchase of a website Or domain Again Squarespace.com Slash if I were you

Free trial Everything looks good Let's launch it Just use that offer code If I were you to save 10% Off that first purchase Thank you, Squarespace Alright, alright, alright

Let's go on to the next question Oh, this one's sort of in the same theme of trust Oh, good This is our trust episode Yeah, our trust episode This one comes from Uncle Joey If we say trust a couple more times We can call this episode trust

Okay, I'll think about it Hey, big fan But I was wondering Just started a relationship And I'm pretty paranoid about cheaters So I was wondering If you guys can give me some tips On what to recognize

And make sure I can catch them in the act Also, should I be ever vigilant? I'm all for trusting them Did he use air quotes? No, that was me I'm all for trusting them But I'd rather have reassurance on my own Trusting

Because I'm not too sure If anyone can really trust anyone Especially themselves But especially their spouses Holy shit Never be in a relationship I'm not sure if anyone can really trust anyone Especially themselves

But especially their spouses I mean, bad grammar Right off the bat And aside from bad grammar Bad attitude to have about relationships Holy shit No one can trust anyone Especially themselves

But especially in a relationship Should I be ever vigilant? It sounds like no matter What we say you are Also, your biggest desire Is to catch someone in the act How do I recognize a cheater So I can catch them in the act?

You fucking coward What sort of weird Anti-Semitic or racist things Do you want us to say? How do you recognize a cheater By their sloped brows? Some sort of physical appearance things That we can tell you about?

Cheaters love strawberry milkshake Take her out to dessert, okay? How do you recognize a cheater? I don't... You don't I think... Have you ever heard the thing Like, once a cheater, always a cheater?

Yeah, would you agree with that? I don't know No, I don't think so So you think you can cheat on someone And then later on you can just not cheat? I think so Okay You disagree?

No, I guess that's true I guess... But I feel like Once a cheater The odds of you cheating are much higher Right I guess people are more predisposed To doing it

But I do think you can like... If you lined up ten guys And five of them have cheated before And five of them haven't I would put money on In all of their next relationships The five that have cheated before Would probably be more likely to cheat

Than the five that have not I agree But I also think that Of the five that have cheated If they like, given... You know, if they've like Learned something from it Or if they've grown from it

In some way Maybe they can be people That don't do it in the future Yes, maybe so But how should I Recognize and capture Back to the point And where do you get

Those little plastic handcuffs So I can make a citizen's arrest On my unfaithful Freakin' girlfriend I'd love to put a glue trap Over my girlfriend's vagina And catch a cheater in the goddamn act Can I fuck her with a Chinese finger trap?

That way I'll know I'll know the next person That gets stuck inside That was a goddamn cheater You are... I think you are not ready For a relationship Maybe he's a cheater

He's the guy from... He's the boyfriend of the last girlfriend I don't want her to... They're both contacting us Both of you guys break up I feel like you need to Learn to trust yourself first If you don't think you can...

If you think you're physically Incapable of cheating Or like if you think you're a great Resisting temptation Then I think you just have to Find someone with your Same core values But Jesus, don't be some kind of psycho

Who is like hell-bent on Catching a cheater He also says I'm all for trusting them But I'd rather have reassurance So you're not all for trusting them No, all for trusting Is not having reassurance

It's about not being nervous Every time your boyfriend Or girlfriend goes out Or goes to work You definitely missed the point Of having a nice healthy relationship It is... Would you say it's built on trust?

I think it... Among other things But yeah, there's... You can't break trust, right? Yeah, there's like a Self-fulfilling prophecy Because I don't even know If that's the correct term

But like you're always looking For the most attractive person To be with And then when you find A really attractive person You're just paranoid That other people are trying To hook up with them

Yeah, that's true So it's like Okay, what's the other option Finding someone who's Not gonna get hit on Every time they go to somewhere? Well, I think the weakest thing You can do in a relationship

Is like try to... Try to like... Is to be jealous to like... Yeah Try to keep your girlfriend From the real world Or something Or keep your boyfriend

From the real world Because then that like Insecurity in your mind Goes into theirs Yeah Oh, well my boyfriend's Sort of an insecure piece of shit Look at that guy

He's confident Right And then yeah Then cheating all of a sudden Seems really appealing When you're obsessed With like your girlfriend Cheating on you

Yeah, I sort of hate when like People are very jealous Or like, you know Like this guy Non-trustworthy Because it's basically Taking their insecurities And their like

Shortcomings And then it's like It only affects you So it's like I am sort of an asshole Who doesn't know how to trust people So you have to change your life To be with me

Right No, why do you change? You become an asshole too Exactly You have to become The asshole prick that I am Because otherwise we won't get along And I'm not gonna change

I've been there I've been like nervous That a girlfriend was cheating before I've been like jealous of another guy But I think What you're supposed to do And I've also fucked this up But you have to just trust

The other person And then that person Sort of rises to the occasion To be trustworthy Right Or if they don't Then the relationship wasn't Built to last anyway

There you go So you just basically Every day is a test And if your girlfriend fails Then you realize That you shouldn't have trusted her To begin with There you go

But there's no rules Or walls you can set up To prevent Like, it's not like You're gonna get married to someone It's like, oh thank god I invented all those rules Otherwise she would have hooked up

With me Now we can get married A few Can you imagine If I didn't set up These emotional walls That she couldn't Thank god she adhered

To all of my rules Now we can live together forever In a resentful, terrible marriage I also hate the idea that Like, when your girlfriend Or boyfriend cheats on you And you get mad at the other person Rather than at your boyfriend

Or girlfriend You think that I think your anger should lie With your significant other Not with the other person Like the other person may or may not Have even known Or been involved in the relationship

Right, there's a person who's Like, who's more accountable And it's the person who's been In the relationship for all that time Yeah, exactly But like a lot of guys are like Dude, if I ever find the guy That my girlfriend cheated on me with

I'm gonna bash his brains in Like, why him? Why aren't you mad at your girlfriend? Yeah, so you're advocating That they should bash their Girlfriend's brains in, right? No, I just No, it's just

Oh, we are out of time Wow You're sure? We're out of time Clarify it Newspaper spinning towards the center Blumenfeld advocates Bashing Girlfriend's brains in

Yeah, don't bash anyone's brains in But I think it's true There's like You can sort of like Spread the blame around And sometimes it's on you Sometimes it's on the person that That maybe created some kind of

Bad environment that your girlfriend Wanted to escape Exactly right Yeah, I don't know how else to say it Trust Trust Let's see how much time we have Alright, we're almost actually out of time

But let's try to get through one more question Let's do it We never took that little break That you like to take I really do like my breathers Let's take it now A nice ten minute one Ten minute breather

At the 30 minute mark Ten minute breather I need I need some time to decompress Jesus Yeah, I mean there was a lot of There was a lot of heavy shit in there It was like dad dying

Yeah, yeah Cheating spouses If you want you can grab a towel Off the wall and just sort of Dabble your forehead with it You could kill me if I pulled One of these towels off the wall Yeah

If I just exposed this hard surface Of the TV for my voice to bounce off of It would end me It really would end me I know how to get your goat The email again If you do find yourself in a sticky situation Like Aunt Becky

Uncle Jesse Uncle Joey Yeah, you're ready to be torn apart And made fun of Is if I were you show At gmail.com We also Mean Jake have a Facebook page

Facebook.com Slash Jake and Amir That we post a lot of stuff If I were you show related on We also have a YouTube channel We're going to try to upload More YouTube video versions Of the podcast

Yes So if you search If I were you show on YouTube You can watch us You can watch a full episode That we videotaped What's the better way To say videotaped

Filmed Yeah, we filmed We filmed and uploaded it I think because filmed Makes it sound so like retentious We filmed it Yeah So we filmed this episode

This motion picture And but a videotape Is like more accurate to what we did It's just not There's no It's not videotape You know We're somewhere in between

But it was the equivalent of Just like taking my dad's camera And asking my friend to operate it Yeah That's what we thought about Our camera operators That they were dealing with Our parents' equipment

You know what I was thinking of Is you think it would be a good idea Or a bad idea to post Just an audio version Of every episode to YouTube Interesting That way people can listen To it on YouTube

More people will find it that way Yeah, you know I listen to albums on YouTube Listen to songs on YouTube All the time And then you get into it And it doesn't It's not like a

Video experience Yeah, I don't want to watch a music video I just want to press play It's like an album cover We should totally do that So maybe like starting next week I'll just upload episode one Make sure they're old episodes

So that you know We're still getting our plays online On iTunes You can listen to it on iTunes Or if I were you Show.com Yeah But that way

You know At least more people will find out About the show Are we not answering a question anymore? No, yeah We're just talking about Podcast strategy more than anything This seems like a conversation

We'll be having off Like when the camera When the mics are off Doesn't it? Doesn't it seem like this Was us walking into the subway? You wanted the goddamn break Here it is

You loser How dare you call me out I gave you your break And had a nice conversation And then you And then you You ridiculed me Now I know what these

E-mailers feel like I spent 45 minutes Hanging towels around my apartment And the first thing you did Was publicly shame me I went to bed bath And fucking beyond This morning

At 8 a.m. Bought 9,000 blankets That was from beyond That's from bed That's from bath That one's from beyond That flannel shirt over there That's from AND

If you can imagine That one's actually from 20 jeans Who's our sponsor today Oh shit Yeah, it's a good It's a nice plug Oh god

Alright, it's really hot in here We can't even put on The air conditioning Cause that's like another thing That adjusts sound Compromises sound quality This is all scribbled In a weird algorithm

On Amir's wall He didn't be on a towel Right now But he was in here last night With a Sharpie Writing on the ceiling Writing on the floor Hey, someone's gotta

Be the audio engineer And actually It's gonna be me From now on I promise I'll study up Take these towels off Open a snapchat

I'm gonna study audio I really am I'm gonna better myself Oh shit Swipe Swipe Tenda Alright, let's get

To the last question So This one comes from God What's another guy On Full House Is that Is that who we've been doing?

Steve Oh yeah, Steve AKA Aladdin writes I've been with this girl For two years And since we moved in Together last year She's caught me

Masterbating a couple times She's been getting upset Because she'd rather Have sex Or go down on me Than know that I'm masturbating In the other room

She's even offered To go down on me While I watch porn Which would be fine But then I can't watch The really good stuff Without her commenting On my choice

Interracial BBC Asian girls However Sometimes I just need Me time And I don't want her help When I'm trying to

Do me How can I ask her politely To let me masturbate In peace That's such a It's so complex I feel like I have Five different answers

Yeah This is a Trying to Like shoehorn this in Is the last question Is the biggest mistake We've ever made on this podcast And I'm talking about

The echoey episode This is worse than that Recording in a cavernous apartment I think this is worse Wait, really quick We could spend An entire 30 minutes Talking about this

Now I'm sort of tempted to But let's try to not Well, we can talk about it For as long as it'll take But Can you explain this to me As a porn aficionado? How dare you?

My mother listens to this BBC You know, I thought about that And at first I thought He was talking about BBW Which is big, beautiful women

Uh-huh And BBC might be Big, black chicks But I can't like I think it also could be a typo How close is C to W on the keyboard? Far Yeah, maybe

Maybe he just Was typing BBW When he was like Oh, BBC Because everyone knows He's another I don't know Would it be big, black cocks?

Big, black cocks, maybe Like, we can search it right now That's another funny Yeah, search result Yeah, your search history BBC I don't Yeah, all right, cool

That aside This guy So take us through your emotions As you read this question One It's like Oh Everyone masturbates

Your girlfriend should not be upset I'm surprised that she's Caught you multiple times I think that's a little Cray Right On the flip side of that You shouldn't be like

Masturbating in another room While your girlfriend's home And I don't think you can say DJ Steve's girlfriend Yeah I don't think you can say DJ

I'm gonna go into the bedroom And masturbate Please don't come in Because then, of course She's like There's some sort of like Emotional conflict there But then on the flip side of that

She's offering to go down on him Right, that's You know While he watches porn Which like The animal version of ourselves Like Dude, you gotta do it

That sounds really hot Getting a BJ I don't think that is hot For me You keep porn And girlfriends separate Like I would never want My girlfriends knowing

What porn I watch Because the shit that I watch Isn't stuff I would want In bed with someone I love So you're Is there also like A level of I masturbate

Because I know what I like the best There's no blow job Better than me Masturbating is like Apparently a little debaucherous A little shameful A little like Guilty

And I don't think It's something you want Your girlfriend involved in You want to hide it from her But at the same time you Stuff I don't know Your brain is about to break

Fuck, I'm breaking I don't think you can ask her Permission to masturbate I think you have to do it You live with someone now So do it when she's not home Do it when you're in the shower Find time

Keep it secret How do you watch porn? That's how everyone does it You don't get this Everyone masturbates Everyone watches porn You don't have to like Tell your girlfriend

You're doing it This guy is probably in One of those like Broken trust relationships Where she's like If you're going to the other room Are you texting someone What are you doing?

Like no I just trying to jerk off But why would he do that when she's home Why can't he do that Else time Else time Yeah, else time Yeah I think that's what I'm saying That's my advice

Do it when she's not at home But you can't watch porn in the shower You can on your phone Yeah you sure can Maybe you have a wifi You have a strong wifi You have an iphone So you run the shower

You keep your phone Out of the shower Well I mean If she like Really never leaves the house Then I guess unfortunately Your masturbation time Is going to be very

Very short and secretive So do it in the shower Run the cold water So you're not wasting the hot water It's a little shameful That you're wasting water But you're going to connect To the wifi

Maybe go in there Watch some videos Get yourself up Get yourself excited Then when it's time Turn on the shower You're going to masturbate Five minutes tops

Okay Get it out Hop in the shower Erase your history Get out Pretend like nothing happened If your girlfriend offered To go down on you

While you watch porn Would you be like Pumping your fist Yes Or would you be like I don't want that I don't want that at all That's like the least hot thing

In the world to me Interesting A girl going down on you While you watch porn Is the least hot thing Yeah Because you keep those two Things separately

Completely separate Which one would you say Feels better Just like on a complete Physical level Like obviously Maybe blowjob feels better Because you're with someone else

And that's like exciting But what would you say You say you're so good At masturbating yourself That you think it's better Than any blowjob has ever felt I'm such a pro Yeah

God, I really think my mom Is tuzzless Mom Turn Pause it Turn it off Turn it off You send her cassettes

And that's the podcast Remember that email is If I were you At gmail.com If I were you show At gmail.com That's right Anyway, so yeah

I think they both feel Really good in their own way And I think blowjobs are Even when they're not Inextricably linked To emotion Like if it were a blowjob From a stranger

I think Blowjobs always feel better Masturbating is a little more Fuck, I don't know They're both so good There's no way we choose It's like a Sophie's choice Yeah, it's like telling

It's cheese or bacon, you know? Fuck, I don't know We're back to cheese burgers and salads So our final advice For this guy is Do it when your girlfriend's not around Yeah, she's never going to be Okay with it

But you're also never going to Stop masturbating, so just Hide it Hide it Hide it Don't fight it Shit, is this a Hide it

Don't fight it When you look at yourself Just confide it Confide in me It's a conspiracy Why can't you see? Oh say can you see Don't blow me

Now we're definitely Actually out of time We try to keep these to 30 minutes Or less Sometimes we go over Hey, it's going to happen What are we at right now? Honestly

This new recording device That I use doesn't Calibrate time But I'm guessing 40 35 to 40 minutes Longest episode ever? It's up there Wow

The Allison Williams episode Was very long too Anyway That's our time Thanks so much for listening everyone If you didn't know We do have a website Ifireusho.com

You can listen to all the episodes Or you can also Go to seizethecheese.com Yep And pretty soon you're going to be able To watch it on YouTube Listen to it on YouTube Yeah yeah

We're going to start uploading those To YouTube as well We also have t-shirts Swag if you will Oh hashtag swag Which are You can go to our website Ifireusho.com

And there's links there To the shirts If you want to That's like another way to support The podcast But like yeah If you're listening to it And spreading the word

And all your positive tweets And emails And Facebook messages They really They really make us feel like I don't know Like yeah Like we're doing

A real hero's job I guess Then I guess actually you should stop Because I don't want it To go to your head that much I really feel like A doctor Or a teacher

Some shit Like my cousin Was actually Was actually in Malawi Helping a lot of like These orphans Or like get better Look at like the gardens

Or whatever I feel And for a minute I felt like Oh I should do something too And then I read a tweet That said Ifireusho is so funny

And I said You know what Fuck you cousin I'm better than you I think he's saving Two to five lives a day We're reaching tens of Thousands

Like it's not even comfortable It's really important You advocate against Someone bashing their girlfriends Hitting The proof is in the pudding Wait No that's not what that means

Nevermind Thank you so much for Listening to the show And we're going to end it With another With another theme song Oh right Theme songs

You can submit your own Like Hailey did at the beginning When Jake proposed to her Yeah I would love to hear back on you And we're also Back from you on that by the way We're also going to play one At the end of the episode

And this one's from Our boy Harris Carlin Harris You man dude You man dude Enjoy We'll be back Next week and every Monday

For the rest of time Wow Later