If I Were You - 160: Memory

Episode Date: June 29, 2015

In this episode we discuss Instagram, marijuana, and obviously Matt Damon.This episode is brought to you by BollAndBranch.com and CreditKarma.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Yeah. Alright. One, two. It's Chicken Amir. Always glad to be here. Never had any reason to fear. One thing to say, when life does your problem, they're the ones who stood up to solve them. Yeah, they may make fun of you at times, but it's better than breaking laws and doing crap. Sure, they give you public shame. Maybe put you on blast for being lame. But it's all fun and games. Just think about the fame and plus some time. You gotta look up, feel good. That's your two-picture email, and you're not in jail. So take your advice. Slap it off and have fun. Remember the best podcast show is. If I were you, so you know what to do. Special ever. Yeah.

Yeah. Do you think that sounded like me? No. Really? I thought it sounded like me if I rapped. Let me play three seconds of it right now. And you're not in jail, so take your advice. Slap it off and have fun. And you're not in jail, so take your advice. Yeah. Are you Justin Goncalves? I am Justin Goncalves. Goncalves? Goncalves. Did you sample a beat from YouTube called New School Banger Party Beat Hip Hop Rap Free Instrumental 2015? Mine was 2014, so that couldn't beat me. But I am Justin Goncalves.

And I did sample a free beat from YouTube called. Yeah. What was it called again? Upbeat Party Kid 2015. So the one thing that you said was different, you said the incorrect way. New School Banger Party Beat Hip Hop Free Instrumental. New School Party Beat Hip Hop Free Instrumental? That was twice I gave it to you. That's three times. Ready? New School Banger Party Beat Hip Hop Rap Free Instrumental 2015. That's the third time. There's no way. Just start. New School Banger Hip Hop. No, no, wrong.

I'm going to go to your fourth time. New School Banger Party Beat Hip Hop Rap Free Instrumental 2015. New School Banger Party. Yes. Beat. Yes. Hip Hop. Yes. Style? No. Is that the third or fourth time? The fourth. Alright, so this is the fifth? I already forgot the first four. New School Banger Party Beat Hip Hop Rap Free Instrumental 2015. New School. New School Beat. No. That's right. New School Hip Hop Banger. New School Banger Hip Hop. No, I'm going to say it first. Party Beat Hip Hop. Oh my God.

You're just for a sixth time. Okay. New School Banger Party Beat Hip Hop Rap Free Instrumental 2015. New School Banger Party Beat Hip Hop. That's correct so far. Party Beat Free Style. No, that's not even a word in it. Sixth, seventh time maybe. New School Banger Party Beat Hip Hop Rap Free Instrumental 2015. New School Banger. You got that part. New School Banger. You got New School Banger. New School Banger. Killed it. Just don't even listen to that. Party Beat. Yes. Five out of ten down. Hip Hop Rap Free Instrumental 2015.

Yes. Let's hear it one more time. Never. I used to be an actor. I used to be good at memorizing. I think if I looked it at once, if I read it, I could have said it back right away. When I was growing up, I had a really good memory. I memorized the presidents and I would memorize the states and the capitals and my dad always said I had the best memory. Now I feel like my memory is going away and when we do sketches, skits, you memorize the lines better than I do. Do you get that sensation too or do you always think the other person is memorizing it better?

No. I usually take a little bit of pride in being able to. It's such a unique skill set because it's basically good for our videos. I'm good at remembering three pages of dialogue and then forgetting them forever. When people say, hey, when people start doing lines with me now from our old videos, I can't even remember titles in most of the videos. But when we were shooting them, you usually knew the lines better than I did. But that's because I'm good at reading and remembering. For auditions, it takes me a while to memorize the lines.

I guess how you do it quickly. Auditions? I don't know if I memorize the lines very quickly because I'm nervous in auditions. Even just preparing for them, I feel like you read it a couple of times. You're like, I basically know it. Maybe my short-term memory is better because you still know the president's songs. Right. Well, it wasn't a song, but yeah, I did know the president's. Oh, sorry. It's the capitalist one that's a song, right? Oh, yeah. There is a song.

Alabama. Albuquerque. Van Rouge, Louisiana. Indianapolis, Indiana. Columbus is the capital of Ohio. There's Montgomery, Alabama. I'm already repeating. Animaniacs taught me everything. Do you think you can say that YouTube video again? I couldn't even say the first word. Really? And you always had the first three.

I think it was... No, I genuinely don't know. This is why I was bad at school. I have no idea what the first word was. You have good medium-term memory, but not... You can hold food in your mouth and spit it out. I'm not good at listening to people, maybe. Oh, is it new school? Yeah. New school... Hold on.

New school banger. Hip hop rap party beat free... Free music 2015? Close. New school banger party beat hip hop rap free instrumental 2015. That was close. Either way, thanks, Justin. We're out of time for writing that. This is the fourth theme song he's made for us.

Wow. I want to thank not only himself, but his YouTube channel, Sketch Films for Life. Films with a Z, four with a four, and life with a life. Wow. I wonder how many people go to that. I just casually mentioned Sketch Films for Life, and I spelt like that. I'd guess between zero and two. You think two people will?

Maybe not now that we're talking about it. Yeah, more now. More now that we're mentioning it. This is like the art of persuasion. If we casually mention something, zero people go to it. We're convincing where the more people go. Just like our ads. We can make our ads worse.

But I wonder if we can make them better. If we really, really... Well, we could make the ads better, but the show would be worse. Well, I mean, there's a way... Let's say we spent two minutes at the top promoting a product. If we do that a million times, there's one that will get the most people to sign up. But I wonder how the one that we actually use stacks up against those other million. Yeah.

We'll never know. That's the beauty of having only one dimension to live in. You think when Matt Damon eats spaghetti, he'll hunch over his plate and put a lot of noodles in his mouth, and he's afraid to slurp it up because when he does, it splatters all over his shirt. So he'll push the spaghetti into the bottom of his top teeth to sort of cut it off like a guillotine with his tongue. And then the spaghetti drops, but some haven't severed yet. So he has a bunch of noodles fall back onto the plate and then a bunch of noodles that are still coiled onto the plate. And then he does slurp it up.

And then the ones that fall down, the ones that fall sort of splat the sauce onto his shirt. Do you think he's ever gotten sauce onto his shirt? Do you think Matt Damon's, by the way, no, do you think Matt Damon's ever had to take a left and just gave up and he took a right and then a left and he turned around in a parking lot? What do you mean? Oh. And so he's like, I need to take a left. And you're like, oh, fuck this.

And then he goes right, gets over to the left lane, he takes a left. He gets over to the left lane, he takes a left into a parking lot, does a loop, and then takes a right out of the parking lot. Oh, like he wasn't able to switch over in time. Yeah, like he couldn't, well, he couldn't take a left. So he's like, fuck, I have to, I gotta turn right. Yeah. Turn left to go, yeah.

Yeah, I know. You think he's ever parked, parallel parked and then gotten out and looked to see if he was too much in the red? Yeah. Yeah, he's like, I don't know. My tires are not in it. And then like turned to somebody in his car, like, oh, even a passerby. Hey, what do you think? Do you think this is fine?

Is this, and then they're like, I wouldn't risk it, Matt Damon. Right. And he was like, yeah, you're right. Or what about straightening out? Like he got into a parking spot at a parking mall, a parking lot, and he's like a little bit over the line. He's like, I guess I can straighten out. Actually, maybe I will straighten out. Yeah, yeah.

And then he like sort of knocks mirrors with somebody and there's not a lot of damage, but it just like feels like an idiot. Has he ever parked too close to, too close to a wall? Has he yet? But then he's like, I'll still get out. Has he ever just like, chest against a wall as he shuts the door? I can actually get out. I can get out.

And then he like pushes the wall, like pushes his door against the wall. And he's like sort of sideways. And then he drops his phone, but he can't bend down to get it, so he has to shamefully sort of kick it along the side of his car. Until he gets to a place where he can bend over. Yeah. I don't think he's ever done that. No, do you think he's ever dropped his chapstick while driving? And then he gets to a place in the car where he can't reach it.

So like he's sort of reaching down, but like he can't get, he can't grab it until he has to park and get out. And then he's like, fuck this. I have to, I have to just get a new chapstick. Yeah. He buys a new chapstick and then he realizes like, oh, I just can adjust the seat. Yeah. And there it is easy. And then he has to walk around with two chapsticks.

And there's like a couple pennies down where the chapstick was. Right. He's like, I'll pick these up too. And what does he do with change? What does Matt Damon do with change at all? Yeah. Like if something goes $10 and two cents. We've talked about Matt Damon and change.

Yeah. What does he give? I wanted, I want, I do want to know, I want to know what he eats for lunch. I want to know what he does with his change. Yeah. And I want to know if he's ever carried more than one chapstick in a pocket. Those are my top three things I'd like to know. When we get to interview Matt Damon on the show, remember those questions.

But what is this show? It's actually an advice podcast. You had me fooled. It's called If I Were You. It's actually the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. And with good reason. I'm Amir. I'm Jake.

And people will email us their difficult quandaries, questions. They're concerned about life and they're seeking our guidance. So they'll email If I Were You show at gmail.com. We get hundreds of emails a day. We can't respond to everyone, but we do try to read them all. We're not doing a very good job. But here are three to four questions that we did find and enjoy. Let's give this first guy a fake name just to preserve his anonymity.

Of course. Do you have a name for this first e-mailer? Jason Bourne. I think we did that the last time we talked about Matt Damon. Is that true? Oh, wow. See, this is a problem. See, that's your memory.

Will Hunting. That's good. All right. Will Hunting writes, Hey Jake G and Amish. My name is Will Hunting and I'm 18 years old living in Sweden. Recently I got high for the first time ever. I tried smoking weed.

I went with two good friends who already smoke and they tricked me into getting so high. I mean first time smoking and I smoked a whole joint, three bong hits and I was gone. I have two problems. One, a video of me being super fucking high, sitting in a bush, eating donuts for five minutes and head banging to music is beginning to spread at my school. How do I convince everyone that I'm not a fucking loser stoner and I just like to smoke sometimes? Two, my mom is starting to suspect something since I got homestoned the other day. And she was home when I did not expect it.

She commented on me looking exhausted and having very large pupils. How do I convince my mom that I don't smoke if that's what she's suspecting? Thanks. Love, Will Hunting. The first thing you do is you say, Mom, look, I know what you're thinking and I'm not high nor was I ever. It's funny. It's like, how do I convince all the kids at school that I'm not a stoner?

I just smoke sometimes. Also, how do I convince my mom I don't smoke sometimes? I smoke never. He's always just trying to move one notch below what he actually is. Right. When a video about you at school is spreading, circulating, you can't get mad because that just fucking feeds into the fire. It fuels the flame.

People smell weakness. We never had to deal with, though. Yeah, viral videos. Videos taken up. I did so much. I guess there was videos, but it wouldn't be on everybody's phones. There was a video. It was maybe on someone's computer.

It was on a VHS. Right. Yeah, it's such a new thing. Even dealing with cell phones in high school, I don't think we had cell phones when I was in high school. We did at the end of my high school. I just feel like my middle school. Now it's like I can take a video and share it to an entire class during class

and everyone will get it in between classes. We should talk to a teacher that's been a teacher for 40 years. Oh, wow. What the fuck has happened in your life? Yeah. What were the biggest problems in 1982 versus right now? Oh, my God. How did you get kids to focus in the early 80s versus like in 2015

when they were constantly on their phones? I wonder if it got better or worse. Could you imagine if like, oh, actually kids in the 80s were the worst. They were huge pieces of shit. They didn't have phones, so they hit each other with slingshots of Dibby heroin. So this guy's problem is that, oh, it is kind of a funny video to have him sitting in a bush eating donuts for five minutes and head banging to music.

It sounds like you were very, very high. But there's nothing wrong with being really hot. That's another kind of weird thing. I guess I would be a little embarrassed if there was a video of me being super drunk, but I was doing such stupid shit. Yes, you were on drugs. Yeah, that's the coolest thing you could do. That's what happens when you do the drugs.

So it's kind of, I guess mostly it's not fair of his friends to take a video and say, you get high and then you're like, okay, oh, he's going to act like an idiot. Yeah. Of course. That's the drugs. That's the point. You drink and you do drugs and you act dumb and it's communal for everybody doing them. It's not like for some kind of weird public forum.

And luckily he was being safe. It didn't seem like he was doing anything that was endangering anybody else. He was just sitting in a bush eating donuts for five minutes listening to music. Yeah, weed is great for that reason. This is proof that he's cool. Full proof. Cool proof. You're, yeah.

Wow. You're shaking. Do you think Matt Damon ever, like when people say two words that like can be combined, like I'll say like a teacher chariot. Everyone's that will say teach chariot a teacher or like, what's another example of that? Are you trying? I feel like you're maybe thinking of the first example because teacher and chariot was a real stretch.

It's weird because we do this all the time when I'm drawing a blank too. I commend you for saying teacher and chariot. What's a word that could be like two words that could be pushed together into one. Edit this to make it sound like we thought of it right away. Table, table, Chicago. No table, table, table, table, table. If I just talk for long enough, you'll find something. Yeah.

Yeah. How about shoe? Oh yeah. Shoe. A shoe. Oh no. And I think it has to be multiple syllables. Okay.

Raven. Raven. Raven. Raven nest. And that word on my mind. She is that word on my mind. Bottle. Bottle.

Now if I can't come up with it, it was a real waste of time. The longer I wait without an end result, the more waste of time it is. I'm trying to think of the actual word like that that I use. Yeah. Staircase. Staircase. Oh, let's all be like, do you think anyone's ever said, I'm going to sit on the staircase and have a quesadilla.

You think he's ever said staircase idea right after it? Really good. I think he has, but it was instantaneous. He didn't have to think about it. That being said, I am going to have a staircase idea right now. Do you think David's ever caught himself in a situation like that where he can't think of an example of something that he just said that should be really, really easy? Yeah.

Has Damon ever started a sentence and said, oh shit. I'm sorry. I completely lost my train of thought. No, because he's laser focused. Yeah. He wants two things, great films and water, access to water. Yeah. I was going to say the same thing.

Absolutely. Water for everyone and he cares about his family. He cares about family, film, water, exercise probably. I bet he's fit and he cares about humanity. That's with the water thing. He cares about three things. Fitness, which is water. He cares about his family.

He cares about his friends. He cares about film and then above all. Yeah. Do you think he has any humanity t-shirts? Do you think he owns anything by Haynes? Do you think he has like sort of loose plastic band Haynes underwear? Does he wear mesh shorts ever? Like when he plays basketball, does he wear like old mesh shorts?

They're too baggy, but he tied them really tight. But he tied them really tight a long time ago. So the knot is so, and he like put it through the wash. The knot is one of the knots that'll never come undone. Yeah. Or does he have a drawstring sweatpants, but like the drawstring, he shoved one side too long and now the other side is like somewhere in the middle. Do you think?

So they're not out both coming out of the holes. What are the little like the plastic ends of shoelaces? Oh, Anglets or something. It's not eyelets. Eyelids are like the shoelace ends. Anglet shoelace. I thought eyelets are in the shoe. Shoelace ends.

Name. Shoelace ends name. Aglets. Aglets. Do you think he has a pair of shoes at all where the plastic on the end of the aglet is just described? Oh. Like it's just lace.

No aglet. Or the aglet is broken. Yeah. Even a little broken. No, I bet not. I bet he switches it up enough. But does he do it? Does he go shopping around for new shoelaces?

Where does Matt Damon, what kind of shoes does he wear? Google Matt Damon shoes. Matt Damon shoes. Matt. D-A-M-O-M. Oh, yeah, you're right. Shoes. Matt Damon.

What kind of shoes does Matt Damon choose? So I'm seeing a lot of, like I said before, leather boots that I can see him hunched over and just yanking tight. Only yanking tight. More leather boots. Some slip on. They appear to be Cole Hawn. Oh, man, that's a little daddy.

That's a little lame, actually. Yeah, I mean, these pictures might be old, but his jeans are a little baggy. You think he's wearing skinny pants? Oh, wow, he's wearing cargo shorts. That's from 2004, and that is not fair. Because that was the height of fashion back then. Damon rocking any cool Nike's or any new balances. He's a daddy, isn't that like cool new balances?

Yeah. It's an oxymoron blooming film. Nice, dude. Not like new balance, I like it. Two, how do I convince my mom that I don't smoke? Have you ever had to hide drug use from your parents? Yeah. And then how do you do it?

You just deny and lie. That's really cool. So how would that go? I'd be like, Jake, how are you doing today? It's for a friend. What happened? I don't know. What's for a friend?

I definitely got caught with weed more than once a lot. I guess everybody's parents are different. It sounds like... I think everyone has the same parents. Really? Yeah. Stay with me on this one. No.

Okay. Well, wait, did you mean like your mom and your dad or my mom and dad? I really think we're all cousins of each other. We'd be brothers of each other. Exactly. My mom almost like poked fun at me the first time she thought I was high. Whoa. She didn't feel like, oh my God, you're high, you're in trouble.

Right. It was like, wow, you were out late. You look a little tired. Oh. How are you? How was that? How was the party? It was good.

It was good. I'm going to go to bed. Okay. You don't want to stay up and talk to me? Right. It was like that. Because I guess when you... Like when you're going to be a daddy and your kids are doing pot, you're going to know more

than they do. You just assume that parents don't know anything about cool stuff like drugs. Right. I'm not sure how much my parents actually knew about drugs, but I guess they could tell if I was fucked up. But I bet your parents have gotten high before. Yeah. Well, I think they have.

When I was in high school, I was like, have you ever smoked marijuana? And this was after I had gotten caught with marijuana. I was like, I'm sorry. I was like, just trying it out. It's not a big deal. A lot of my friends are doing it, but it bothers you. I won't do it anymore. I was like, trying to be sure about it.

And I was like, did you ever try marijuana? He was like, I tried pot three times in college and then 800 times after that. Actually, after our live show in New Haven, I saw your mom snorting a fat caterpillar rail. She cocaine. Yeah. I think she was nose deep in this fat bowl of blow. Bull crap. No way.

She was a line of sand. Yeah. Then she looked at me and she's like, do you want to get a fucking taco right now? Have you ever seen the school chalkboard? Like the eraser board at the end of the day? Yeah. It was like that. Yeah.

But she was a dust buster. Yeah, dude. She was just fucking going to town. Don't talk about my mother. Don't you talk about my mother? I'm kidding. I'm obviously joking. You're obviously a joke.

My mother's a queen. Oh, come on. And you're being mean. Cool rhyme. Thanks. My mother's a queen and you're being mean. No. I started doing much harder drugs than cocaine after that show.

All right. So deny and lie. I guess, yeah. You can't convince your mom. You can just say, oh, I didn't smoke and hope to God. She doesn't actually know that you did. Yeah. What would you do?

You never got, you never smoked weed when you were in high school. No. Your parents, your brothers? I don't think so. Did they ever have to deal with disciplining you guys? I don't know. Maybe my older, like when my older brother was in high school, I was 11. So maybe shit was going on that I didn't know about.

But I didn't like drink or smoke or anything like that. Wow. I was like, I'd get in trouble like if I got like a B plus in calc or something like that. My dad would like put down a wrench and a belt in front of me and made me choose. And you know what I choose? The belt. No, I sprinted away from him because fuck him. That's why he can't fucking chase after me.

He did actually. He ended up finding me. I was so tired. Wow. I got to the end of the block and I was gassed. He tripped on himself. The wrench went into his head because fuck him. That's why I feel like if I have kids one day and they are like you and they just like

don't smoke or drink, I will be like, this is the craziest. Something's wrong with this model. I think I have to return. Wow. Thank you for just being like a good kid. Would you would you rather have a good kid like that, a goody two shoes or a cool kid? I don't know. I don't think I'd rather.

I just want to have like a nice kid. Yeah. Whether he does drugs or not. Yeah. Regardless of what his grades are. You want it to be nice. I think he just has to be or she has to be like they just wanted. He wanted them to be good.

It'll be a guy. You know you're getting a dude. Dude, I fucking needed to hear that tonight. I was getting low on my shit. I was getting low on myself, man. I was like, I know I'm gonna have a fucking daughter. No, you can't think like that. I'm serious, dude.

You can't think like that. That daughter shit. I want a son. I think you want a son. I want a son, man. I got to have a little, little son, little fucking son running around. Hey, Dylan. Hey, Jordan.

Hey, Cameron. Those are three names you can name your daughter, but like I get where you're coming from. I know. Yeah. I'll call a little angel. No, that's awesome. That's a nickname for a motherfucker. Because the name's John.

And then what do you want your son to do? My son. My son John or Ashley. I'm gonna call him little Ashley. Ashley is so female. Ashley, it's a male name too. Ashley, Lauren. I can call him Ashley.

Oh, Lauren, Ashley. Oh, my masculine little boy. It's a bedding company. And then what do you want to do with your son, Lauren? Ashley? Daisy? It's another nickname, motherfucker. I think you do want a dog.

I want a son. I deserve a son. You have three sons. You don't talk to them. You need one more son. You've already had three. If you had three kids, I think you got to go all one gender. Because then you'd be like, oh, me and the boys are doing this.

Or do you see the picture of me and the girls? What do you say when you have like a son, a son, and then a daughter? Yeah, I don't know. It's like, oh, me and the boy. Fuck, we had that third one. I want a mix. Do people just generally want what they knew growing up? Oh, like I want three boys because I had three boys.

If you have kids, do you want them all to be boys? That's a good question. I feel like if I had to choose, and I can say this now since I'm not in a relationship, so like there's no like, you know, I'm not trying to placate anyone. I think I'd prefer to have boys because I know them better. But you have nieces. Yeah, I have nieces. But I feel like once they turn teenagers, they're going to have a whole world of problems.

I don't know anything about. Right. So like boys, I'm like, oh, I can relate to them on a certain level. Interesting. Because you went through the changes as a male. Right. Now granted, if I have girls, I will disown them. Of course.

That was the end of my sentence. It was a joke? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was a kid of me. That's why I call it kidding. Nice.

Did you joke about your children? Would you rather have boys or girls? Let me guess. You don't care. I do care. I want to mix. Single mix. One kid is both.

I want two. I like two and two. I think a nice little number would be to have two and two. Four kids. Do you know anybody with two boys, two girls? It looks like a pretty quintessential all in there. That's like two thirds of the way to a Brady Bunch. Yeah.

No, I don't know. I think so. I probably do and I'm just forgetting. That's awesome, man. Thanks, dude. I really, I do appreciate you thinking about that like that. Even though you couldn't come up with one, the fact that you think that you do, that's really cool.

Yeah. Staircase idea. Yeah. Staircase idea. All right. Let's take a break. Let's thank one sponsor. And then we'll be back.

We've only answered one question. I know, but we're at the 30 something minute mark, bro. We'll be back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist, is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. It's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, but BetterHelp

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Why'd you make me do the bit with you? Just joking. We're going to Canada, Montreal in July and then. Oh shit. Toronto. Do you have all the information? About what? Where the shows are.

Which shows? And what we're doing there. Which ones? We're going to Canada. We're going to Canada. I want a son. I want a son, Bloomingfield. And we're going to Canada.

We have a podcast in Canada that might be sold out, but we're doing other shows as part of the Just for Laughs comedy festival. It also might not be sold out. Okay. Check it out. It might not be sold out. We're doing, we're hosting comedy shows as well. So if the podcast itself is sold out. There's a URL.

There's a URL, but I believe it is, it is sold out. Does it say sold out? I went there today and it said tickets available. Let me check. Because by the time this comes out, see this is the kind of stuff we should have done before we talked on the show. Yeah, it says sold out. The podcast is sold out. The podcast is sold out.

Let me tell you, let me tell you what though, because I got a little bit of inside info. I got an insider tip because I talked to our agent. I talked to the mayor of Montreal. Shout out Andrew. Oh. Okay. All right. Sure.

So I called him because our show was originally on Tuesday. It was moved to Saturday. This means nothing for the people that aren't in Montreal. Right. Even the people that aren't in Montreal, only for those that already have tickets. Sure. Anyway. He said the people that the show that was moved from Tuesday to Saturday, they just took everybody's tickets and are honoring them on Saturday.

But he said they hold off room in the theater and like not only seats, but standing room only too. Whoa. So it sounds like there's a decent amount of space for people that have festival passes. And I would say that a festival pass is a good investment because Neil Patrick Harris and Dave Chappelle are both going to be doing shows that week. Have you ever heard of them? And we're also hosting, as you're about to say, we're hosting at least four other shows. Yes. Just not if I were you podcast, but hosting roles that you'll be able to come to if you have said pass.

I mean, the whole comedy festival is so funny. There's so many like different types of shows. We went to like that new characters show last year. Yeah. Just people doing characters by themselves on stage, just like we were cracking up so hard. Like straight up stand up shows that some of which we are hosting on Thursday and Friday. We're hosting two shows every day. Did you know that?

No. Thursday at 7.30, Thursday at 9.45, then Friday at 7.30 and Friday at 9.45. Tickets still available for those shows. Of course, if you have your pass, you can just go to every single show you want for the whole weekend, which we highly recommend. Also, if you're a comedy fan, they're just every comedian you can imagine. It's like a camp. We just walk around seeing comedians that you like. Even like, yeah, it's amazing.

It's kind of like a high school reunion of sorts. Like comedians that we knew from New York will be there, comedians that we don't necessarily see in LA will be there. I feel like last year I was texting people before just being like, hey, are you going to be there? Are you going to be in Montreal? And you just don't even have to. Everyone is there. We're all there. So come to Montreal.

And there's just for last in Toronto. Toronto. The T-Dot. The Six. Yeah, but we're going to kind of waste it all for Montreal. I mean, the Toronto ones and not till October. All right. We'll be back.

We'll be ready to go. Toronto, our most popular city on Facebook. We have more fans in Toronto than any other city in the world. Really? Yeah. Wow. So that should be fun too. Podcast on one night and then a regular comedy show on the other.

You can just search our names, Jake and Amir and Toronto and the information should come up. Our first podcast ever in Toronto. Are those tickets not sold out yet? I don't think they are yet. And how are they going to call us? That's going to be the most popular city? I don't think so. Well, we haven't even promoted the show yet.

All right. Well, I better not to promote this show twice in Toronto. I'll tell you what. Yeah. Those are our upcoming dates. We're also shooting our pilot this summer. No real information on that yet, but we want to keep you guys posted. But we'd like to say, yeah.

We'd like to say grassiest in Tota opera, the hashtag green light, Jake and Amir camp. They work to the point where we're starting to hire people to be on the show. Yeah. We've hired human beings like a casting director and a line producer. Somebody is currently working. A working professional is creating a budget for a TV show. Yeah. Pretty fun.

Yeah. So it's like real grown up comedy stuff. So thanks for that whole Twitter campaign because I guess it worked. Here we are. You have at least employed two people because of that. Two people have a job thanks to you. So you can take the rest of the week off guys. I know it's Monday morning, but you've earned it.

We'll have a premier party. Don't worry. We'll call it a six day weekend. All right. Do you want to get to one last question? Sure. Since we're here. Sure.

Yeah. The mics are out and all that. All right. Let's get a girl's name. Oh, did we already look if Matt Damon ever dressed up as a woman for a while? Yeah. And we'd said no, but in somebody was tweeting at me that he does kind of do drag ish type stuff in behind the candelabra, the Liberace story.

Oh, okay. He plays Liberace's boyfriend. What's his name in that movie? I don't know. Let's call him Liberace then. Well, it's a female. Let's call her, what's Matt Damon's wife's name? Matt Damon's wife.

Or what's the girl's name in Good Will Hunting? That's not that. What? Who does mini driver play? I have his wife's name. Oh, great. Luciana Barroso. All right.

Luciana. She's actually pretty busted. She's just like this random uggo that he must have picked up at like a college party. I think you have to understand if you're Matt Damon, you're like, oh, nobody's on my level. The human race is sort of just an alien to you. Yeah. Well, I'm actually joking. She is very beautiful.

Really? Yeah. You know what I heard? They have four kids, it looks like. Is it two boys, two girls? It looks like it might be four girls. Matt Damon, they have three daughters together. Wow.

That's a beautiful, beautiful family, the Damon's. Hi, my name is Isabella Damon. My dad, I think you know him. Matt Damon. Yeah. Definitely, he's in your favorite movie. So yeah. Because Goodwill Hunting's the best one there ever was.

So I don't think you don't have the Rebecca American Girl doll now. I think you actually do have the doll. So you could have daughters. That's true. Nieces is sort of a crash course. If you have two nieces, you can have one daughter. You can trade them in. All right.

I already forgot her name. Too many tabs. Too many tabs. Right. Hey guys, huge fan of the show. I'm just going to get straight into this because it requires immediate attention. So basically I came up with this really witty Instagram bio, which took me a while to think of and which I'm very proud of.

It's been there for a while, but yesterday I got a text from one of my more bitchy and annoying friends who is most of the time really fun, but can be a huge pain in the anus. Painus? There it is. That's it. Live. That was Damon asked.

Who could be a huge pain in the anus? Asking if she can change her Instagram bio to mine. This was her text. Just wanted to ask before I did it, but can I change my bio to yours? I know it's like yours, but I think it's a good one. Kissy face, kissy face, laughing face emoji, thumbs up emoji. So yeah, this friend will most likely gossip behind my back if I say no and take all the credit if I say yes.

We are also not incredibly close, just average friends. So here's my question. Should I let her change her bio to mine? And if not, how do I tell her? And finally, is it really worth all this worry? I'm an overthinker. Much love. Luciano?

Luciana. Luciana. You are an overthinker. I'll give you that. What if someone wanted to change their Instagram bio to yours? What's your Instagram bio? Enthusiast. So what if like I was like, I'm going to change my Instagram bio to Enthusiast.

Fine. It wouldn't bother you. No. Are you an overthinker though? Probably not. I think you should. You could definitely look at this. Imitation is the sincerest form of form of okay.

Has Damon ever stuttered? Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. I like her that text is like, I know it's like yours, but I think it's a good one. No, it's not like yours. I want to straight up steal it. I want it to be mine. You'll probably can reckon. I mean, I want to know what the bio is that's so good.

Yeah. Also, like this girl changing her bio, it's not going to make her a celebrity. She's not going to leave you in the dust. It's that good. Your name is going to be in a marquee somewhere, a spinning newspaper. Remember the video we made where I came up with a screen name? Oh, yeah. I loved it so much that I thought people would lift me up on their arms.

And then that does happen in the end? Oh, yeah. And then you steal it and it happens to you. Yeah. Like I thought of a really chill screen name. I don't know. Like what is it? You say chill.

I say I do remember. Chill dude 22. It's pretty chill. It's actually really chill. And then you make it yours and that's basically the joke. Is that like we all, we put your name on a marquee. Yeah. Like you snooze, you lose what I say.

Oh, yeah. But then fair and love and chill. Yeah. And then you, and then you get hoisted up on someone's shoulders and they're chanting it and then you kick me in the head and I wake up and it was all a dream. Right. It was a fantasy, a fantasy sequence. So maybe this girl's living in a fantasy world.

Right. Where her Instagram bio is universally adored and if it's stolen, everyone will think that this other girl came up with an amazing Instagram bio, but it's actually just, you know, not that big of a deal. This is what I would do. I would say, yeah, you can change, you can have it. And then I would think of a better one, but that's like the comedy writer in me. I'm always wanting to improve things, make things better, update them.

But if you come up with a, what's your Instagram bio? Right now, it used to be chill dude. It's good. Then I made it a link to our Australia shows, you know, link in my bio. Oh yeah. That's good. Now it's so I think I can dance. So I think I can dance.

Yeah. It's not bad. It's not great. You steal that and I will end you. I had, what was the, what was the one that I, the Tinder bio that I had? Oh, my grandma just died on the man of the house. Yeah. That's a funny Instagram bio.

Actually. Hey dude. Permission to change. Not granted. Denied. Denied. My grandma just died on the man of the house. That's a strange thing to brag about Big Sean.

We're all sorry for your loss. It's, it's funny if you know the song and it's even funnier if you don't. So that's, that's what I would do if I were you. If I were you, you know, like the title of the show, I would just let her have it, come up with a new one. It says you've had it for a while. This girl's a pain in the anus. It's not worth the, it's not worth the problem.

See if you can beat it. Yeah. That's the, that's one of the first things you learn as a writer. You try to beat your own jokes. Exactly. See if you got what it takes, Luciana. Oh, this girl's just based on her email address. She's an Australian student.

Oh shit. We should follow her on Instagram. You think so? I think we should. I think we should follow the pain in the anus of a friend, for she does have the newest chillest bio. Her bio is amazing. I'd love to know what the bio is.

Can you imagine how good it is? The bio that's so good. But you're not willing to let go of it. You don't need to steal it. He's an enthusiast. All right. That's it. That's our show.

We'll try to answer more questions next time. Send everything to ifirishowatgmail.com. We open and close every episode with an original theme song written by our talented fans. The first one was by Justin Goncalves. This last one is by Lisette and Ali, who I believe have written theme songs for us before. This is a shake it off cover. What? That's right.

A shake it off cover. Don't. All we really need is Facebook thumbnails running dangerously low every time we post the podcast on Facebook. We use an original art thumbnail, ideally in a 600 by 315 resolution, but we'll take what we can get. So if you're a visual artist, send those over as well. Everything.

Same email address ifirishowatgmail.com. We'll be back next week. See ya. Peace. Bye. Text me. I'm here. I'm here.

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