If I Were You - 17: Batman vs. Porn

Episode Date: August 26, 2013

In this episode we discuss handjobs, Burning Man, and nursing baby birds back to health.This episode is brought to you by WarbyParker.com -- cool glasses for less than a hundred bucks! Use coupon code "crosby" for free expedited shipping.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Tipping on some Gatorade and vodka. Yeah, they got some stories to tell ya. And at times when you don't know what to do. Ticking your head, boy, you got no clue. So just listen to if I were you. So just listen to if I were you. What are they whispering at the end? Stylin'? Stylin' Stylin'? Man, I love that one. Our fans are so much more talented than us. Yeah, they don't have to know that. You shouldn't inflate their ego too much. Because then they're going to start a podcast and people will stop listening to ours. I hope they do. No, I really hope they do. I'll just record an intro for that band's podcast.

That wouldn't work out. That was Jacques Snow. And this is if I were you. Do they have a website that I could go to? Probably. Maybe. If you search JacquesSnow on MySpace.com, maybe you'll find something. This is if I were you, the only advice podcast on the whole internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. And I'm Jake. And we are not drunk. We're the opposite of the last podcast. We're recording this at 11am in your towel cavern. But you know what? It works. So no regrets. I guess the opposite of drunk would be hungover, which we're not that either.

I'm a little hungover still from the other night. Geez. That was five days ago. I drank that much Vodka Gatorade. I raged that much face. I raged so much face I was actually still drinking into Monday and I woke up and I was like, fuck it, I'm going to keep on going. Keep the dream alive. That's what they call a bender, I think. Yeah, I didn't want to let the hangover set in. So I was like, hair of the dog, hair of the dog, hair of the dog, whole dog in my body right now.

You actually ended up eating a dog. You were so drunk. I was so drunk I ate a dog. Yeah, I shaved a dog and then ate the dog. It was crazy. I cared. I didn't want fur in my mouth, but I was drunk enough to eat a dog, but I was conscientious of fur. So this podcast is about us eating animals, describing how they are, how they feel, how they taste. This is your first time listening. We have a shaved dog here. Today's episode is making sound effects for the next hour.

That was the dog actually making that razor noise. In actuality, this podcast is about real people emailing us in that they're in difficult places in their lives and they're seeking solace, comfort and advice and we try to give it to them as best we can. Seeking solace in all the wrong places. Yeah, mainly just this one. We've almost never been sympathetic. If anything, we only add to the stress that they feel by making fun of them and their loved ones. Find yourself in a public or in a difficult situation and you will be publicly shamed.

That was that for fair. That was not a good idea. Either way, it works. So yeah, they email us at ifirushow at gmail.com. We read all the emails. We choose four to six to answer during the show and we try our best. Damn it. Don't be like pissed off that we don't get to everyone. Don't say that to you right now. My default setting is pissed off, annoyed, angry. Change that.

Change that. I don't think I should though. That's the worst part. Yeah, I don't even want to start changing. Not even like I don't think I can. I don't think I should. Everyone should be as pissed and scared as you are. An alcoholic who doesn't want to recover. How's he supposed to help himself? Yeah, I guess the first part is recognizing that you need help.

And I do not do that. I don't think I have a problem. You're a bad person. Anyway, yeah. Did I miss anything? Or is that usually... You forgot to mention that you were a bitch. Oh, come on.

No, no, that's fine. That's really... That's what you're gonna... Holy shit. Crying? Real tears? You're weeping. I know it was a joke but it really fricking...

It sounded real and it felt real. I know it. I know it. No joke is 100% false. There's a shred of truth in every joke and that shred really just cut into my fricking heart or something. Are you kidding? I'm actually not kidding. I'm not kidding.

Leave my towel, cavern. Please don't open the door as it will create a reverb echo effect that I can't have in this show. I'm speaking into a towel right now. You don't understand. There's a pillow... We're doing this from a pillow fort but it sounds great. Should we get started? Should we start reading some email?

Try to answer some questions? Yeah, let's do it. Let's help some people in need. This is exciting. The whole episode doesn't exist yet but is about to. Think about that. No, just start reading. Okay.

Just trying to imbue some poetic. Jake, please think about it. I don't know. It's cool if you think about it for a look. Nope. Alright, yeah. We're small little people and the world is so grand but we're making a little bit of a difference, I guess. Whatever.

Okay. Yeah. Alright, this one comes from... We'll call him Sam Seaborn. Lovely. Fake name, real person, real email. We're going to give everyone a fake name just to preserve some anonymity. The most impressive thing you do on this podcast is say anonymity every single time.

Anonymity. Oh wait, I can do it. Anonymity. Oh, I'm no longer impressed. You're a hack, sir. I no longer need you. Alright, here we go. Fake name, real email.

Dear Jake Mir. So last night I was browsing the internet and I found a link to some porn on a message board. Curious and mildly aroused, I copied pasted it into an incognito tab and checked it out. Turns out it wasn't as satisfying as initially described so I skipped the jacking off and went to sleep. The next morning I woke up particularly early due to a bad night's sleep. Still drowsy, I stumbled to my computer to browse Tumblr while I woke up. I happened to see a cool Batman picture and decided to link it to my GF. I selected the RL, opened up a chat window with her, hit Ctrl V, then enter to send the message.

But to my horror, I forgot to copy the Batman pics URL. And instead, sent her the mediocre porn link from the previous night. She's offline, but the messages will be delivered as soon as she logs on. I've only got a few hours until she wakes up and sees it. How do I prevent the imminent embarrassment? Yours truly, Sam Seaborn. I don't want my girlfriend to know I watch mediocre porn. Send her a link to the real shit, dude.

If it was hot, then that would be one thing, but it was so mediocre I couldn't even get off to it. Now she's gonna see it and think I did. I also love the way this guy watches porn. It's just like, I was on a message board, thought I might see some porn. I was ready to jerk off, but it wasn't satisfying, so I skipped it and went to bed. Yeah. Who does that? I was so close, but at that point, what am I gonna go back to the message board?

What message board is this? I don't, it's so weird. It's like, alright, here's this porn, I'm gonna do it, and then nothing. Well, there's no other porn on the internet. I guess that one wasn't the video for me. I'm sort of one and done in that regard. I don't really like to give it two chances. Oh, man.

I believe in fate. Is it not embarrassing that you were gonna send your girlfriend a cool Batman picture? What's more embarrassing, the Batman picture, the mediocre porn you were gonna send? I guess to me they're almost equally embarrassing. Have you ever found porn on a message board? What is that? Yeah. Wait, it's like a porno message board?

In my experience. It's like a forum? In my experience, turn the volume down, mom. But not all the way off. You're just, you're listening it too loud right now. You can't even wash a dish or something. I know, alright. You like, if you find, like say you're watching a porn video and it's a very attractive girl,

and you're like, oh, I like the way she does this. I'm a new fan of hers, and then you find out her name, you could like Google her. The message boards will show you like obscure videos that she's done that you might not see. Oh, so once you do some more research, it'll lead you to a message board. Right. I see. You're like a passive porn watcher. Yeah, I like, yeah.

I'll just go to red tube, watch like whatever top videos there are right there on the front page. I'm an amateur. You're an amateur. I'm a goddamn hack. You're an amateur. I'm a 15 year old. I'm in like the deep cuts of you porn. You understand?

Watching videos from 1998. Watching porn on the internet. Porn's golden years. You can tell they were digitized from VHS. Deep cuts. That was one of the names of the porn I watched. That's the name of the message board. Yeah, I mean, there's nothing you can do.

I think just own up to it. Laugh. Ha ha, wrong link. Right. Yeah, well, you can play it off as a joke. You can play it off as a joke. You can play it off as a mistake, or you can just apologize. The problem is it's definitely, if it were hot porn, you could send it to her and be

like, I want to do this with you. And it's like, wow, that's kind of sexy. But to wake up at 8am and have that. Mediocre porn. He sent it in the morning. It wasn't like a late night thing. Hey, 748am. People have sex in the morning.

Yeah, but to send that chat, like just to admit that you were looking at porn at like 745am and sending it to her. Right. How close are you with your girlfriend? I wouldn't be so like- Answer Jake. And you- Answer the man.

Your girlfriend. Yeah, you're very intimate. You are- you presumably, well, I don't know how old you are or what you do, but- We don't know if that's your name. But is it embarrassing to admit to your girlfriend that you watch porn? Everybody watches porn. But is it still embarrassing to admit to your girlfriend that you watch porn? It's embarrassing that she's going to see a video.

But like, it's not like you jerked off to that video. Yeah, but is that what he's going to say? No, you don't understand. It's like I jerked off to it. Yeah, I guess- I don't know. It is- it's a very weird situation. I think you send her the- you say, whoops, wrong link, LOL. Don't click, don't click, don't click.

Yeah, as if like you were like, oh, that was like a weird joke that I sent you porn instead of like the Batman URL. When in actuality, that's what you did. Or just send her a bunch of links starting now, just like 28 links and they just be like, sorry, I got spam. Don't click on any of those. It's spam. Or like send her four porn links in a row and be like, LOL, sorry, my roommate got a hold of my computer. Oh, there you go. That's what I would do.

I would say somebody else. I would say somebody else sent that over. I'd send you a bunch of porn links and then not even blame the roommate. Just be like, that's- because porn being sent out is total spam. Just be like, that was a spam bot. Sorry. Oh, like my computer got hacked by a robot that sent you porn links. Right.

Anyway, to make up for it, here's a cute little Batman pic. I think it's too late by the time you got this, but Sam Seaborne, if you're listening, please let us know how you played it. I want to like do a little follow-up pup to this guy. Yeah, I agree. I want to see how he played it off. His girlfriend jerked off to the Batman picture. Do you think it's possible that this could lead to a fight? I'd be very surprised.

It's like, why did you send me that? Why are you looking at that? Am I not satisfying for you? I'm like, no, dude, I just- I'll dress up like Batman if that's what'll get you off. Stop sending me Batman pictures. And then, yeah, it'll lead to some really cool role-playing shit where she's Batman. You ever been fucked by Robin? Hell yeah.

Only Batman's been fucked by Robin. Only Robin's been fucked by Batman. You almost said Mercy. Did not. You totally did. But in my head, I didn't, but I didn't say it out loud. Oh, Mercy. By the way, the Uncle Jesse quote is have mercy, not owe mercy.

So I'm still within my legal bounds to- I think there's still a hack you're just saying the quote wrong. I'm messing up twice. I'm plagiarizing incorrectly so that it outdoes the plagiarism. All right, let's go on to question number two. This one's from Leo McGarry. Leo McGarry writes, I've just found a small injured bird outside my friend's house at which I am house-sitting at the moment.

I instinctively brought it inside, but now I'm at a loss for what to do. Now I just have a small dying bird in a shoebox. Help. What can we help with? What can we help with Leo? It's funny that he like instinctively brought in this bird. He's like, oh, he's injured. Oh, I'm going to put it in a shoebox.

All right. All right. It's at home. It's at home. Damn it. What now? Birds die all the time in nature. What you're doing is disrupting the status quo.

Actually, I have similar experiences with this back in where I grew up. We had a lot of cats, my family. My cats were always killing and maiming squirrels and birds. My family, I mean, I've buried so many birds in little shoeboxes in the yard. You rescue them in the shoebox, and then you just bury them when they're alive. This is actually what you should do. If the bird, if you think you might be able to help it, you can take it to your local humane society. Do vets give a shit about injured pigeons?

Not vets, humane societies. What's the difference? I'm not sure. The humane society looks after all animals. Vets cost a shitload of money. Humane societies are pro bono. You can bring that bird there. Actually, my sister, two weeks ago, found a baby bird limping around our yard.

She skipped work, took the bird. The nearest open humane society was an hour away. She drove all the way out there, showed them the bird. They said, oh, this is just a baby bird. It's learning to fly. Its parents were watching it from the nest. What you've done is frighten the parents. You stole the bird.

It was about to learn to fly. She freaked out again, had to bring it all the way back to my house. This is a two-hour drive at this point, but as soon as she opened the box, the bird flew out and flew right up to its nest. Here's an argument for you. The humane society does more harm than good. What? Yeah. How?

Just by wasting so much manpower, electricity, energy, resuscitating needless animals' lives. It's a waste. It's a net drain on society. That is so not fair. How's that? Yeah. The cost of electricity. Confirmation.

You're an asshole. You're a gas person. The amount of gas people spend driving frickin' birds to this humane society is the cons outweigh the pros of helping out a pigeon. That's not fair. You should be able to kill birds. You do kill birds. You killed several birds this week. I see you have a slingshot, like a goddamn debauchers eight-year-old or something.

Like a frickin' Bart Simpson with a vendetta. I just walk around Brooklyn killing birds, stuffing them into my pockets. I'm googling humane society right now. I really think they do a lot of good work. Yeah? I really do. Yeah, you think they do good work? Yes.

What? They fix lizard's feet and make sure that squirrels are not in pain? Yeah. Fuck you, man. They try to stop animal suffering due to cruelty. So yeah. Well, what animals? I feel like if it's smaller than a squirrel, they're suffering.

You think small birds can suffer and die with no help? With no remorse, yes. I don't think there should be human spending time resuscitating animals smaller than squirrels. You know, I think, I mean, I think you're wrong. I also think like when we were younger, when we did this, when we rescued squirrels and birds and brought them to the humane society and saw them healed, that was like us learning compassion for other things. Not necessarily like, yes, I care a lot about squirrels now, but I try to care more about

people now because like I recognize that. Oh, so you start with squirrels and then you work your way up to human? I think so. What is it? You're giving me a look. I just think small animals deserve to die or suffer based on what happened to them in the nation. You don't even think small animals at least just deserve to live?

No, I really, I really. Like outside of human interaction? Yeah. You think they should all be dead? I really feel like they should all be dead. You would like, oh, okay. I love a world with no birds. Yeah.

You don't want to hear birds sing. You don't want to, you don't want to look at squirrels jumping around in the trees. You don't like that? Run over a bird. Have you ever run over a bird? Yes, I've run over a bird. How do you feel? I hit several robins once and I felt I also hit a raccoon one time, ran over a cat once.

Okay. And now we're getting into areas that you should start feeling bad about, but did you feel any remorse when you killed a robin? I felt a ton of remorse when I killed a robin. So how was I raised differently from you? Because if I killed a bird, if I ran over a bird, I would feel absolutely nothing. When we were driving in Iceland, my brother hit a bird and he almost cried. We were driving.

He hit a bird. We all felt terrible. Then like later, Jeff was making fun of him. He's like, please don't. I can't handle that. Not right now. I don't know. A squirrel maybe let like, honestly, I think I felt, no, I felt the equal amount of remorse

for hitting the cat, but it's not that I fly. They're beautiful. I mean, I don't actually think that people should kill animals or make them suffer, but I feel like if in nature, these small animals are suffering or do die, I don't feel anything close to that. Well, it's not in nature if you hit a bird with your car. That car is part of nature. No, it's not.

Haven't you seen that Yukon Denali commercial where it comes out of a tree? I haven't and I stand corrected. Built for a tub. GMC makes cars from the earth. So what should this guy do? Bring a dude in humane society. I think you should bring a dude. That drain on society.

That drain on humane society. You know what? I'm going to start a petition that'll lobby to close every humane society. I'm sure there's like, there's a very valid reason. They have them in every country, so I think there's a valid reason for humane societies. Let me know what they are. All right. Ready?

Question number three. I can't wait to see how I come off on this one. Whether or not I should lobby for animal hospitals to be shut down permanently. You don't care about animals, but I don't care about people. So I guess we're fair. Yeah. If I'm like the nicest guy and like super friendly and care so much about people and do a lot of charity work, but have that actual, the attitude that I have towards animals.

Am I still a good guy? Yes, so. Am I better than a guy who loves animals but hates humans? I mean, you're pretty passive. It's not like you're out there actually trying to close humane societies, actually killing animals. That's true. It's mostly for joking sake. Right.

You're still a good guy. A little bit. Enough to embellish it into a comedy bit. It's a little callous, I guess. Thanks, man. I appreciate that. A little callous is the nicest way you could have described that rant. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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Thanks, BetterHelp. You can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me, or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life, and maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website? The best way to do that is to go to squarespace.com. If I were you for a free trial, and when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code IFIWEREYOU to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Again, squarespace.com slash IFIWEREYOU. Free trial. Everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code IFIWEREYOU to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. All right, question number three. This one comes from CJ.

CJ Craig writes, Hey guys, I got a huge problem. My best friend that I met in fourth grade and has been a brother to me ever since started dating my sister about two years ago. I had no problem with the relationship, and I actually enjoyed being around them since we all get along so well. Recently, however, I found out my sister gave hand jobs to three different people on the football team. What do I do?

I love them both and neither one has ever given me a reason to distrust them. I love my sister, but my best friend means everything to me. Do I tell them or pretend that I never knew? Thank you so much. If you read this, please help. Yikes. Three hand jobs. Yeah.

Three hand jobs to let's see how many people. Okay. Three different people. One hand job per person. I mean, I think it was that intense of a cheat. Was it at the same time? I'd really like to know if it was a single time in the locker room after either a football win or a loss.

I'd like to know because if it was a loss, then she's just being compassionate. Yeah. As long as it wasn't a congratulatory hand job, I think we're in the clear here. Is hand job worse or better for cheating than making out? Like if you found out that your girlfriend gave someone a hand job, is that worse than making out? This is the second hand job cheat question that we had. Yeah.

It's so weird. It's so foul. It's in between. You can like construe it as like hand job is more sexual because it's more intimate. But at the same time, it's more scientific than making out. No fluids are exchanged. Well, there's fluid coming out. But exchanged.

Yeah. I guess it's staying. It's either in one person's body or out of both of them. When making out, it's like swapping saliva. And then oral sex is like saliva with semen. Yeah. So if anything, hand job should be first base because it's just one person pleasuring another one completely.

Let's try to change the world, people. Hand job's the new first base. Kissing is home. All right? No. So what is having sex? Grand slam. Which is also home.

Technically. But you're sending three other people home with you. You can only have four of them from now on. Orgies or grand slams. I guess if I were you, I would maybe I'd talk to your sister and say, hey, I know what happened. I think you need to make this right in your relationship, whether it means telling him or breaking up or whatever. But I don't know.

There's something weird about like being the middleman and taking the matters into your own hands like that. You know what it is. Here's a good mathematical way of quantifying it. You have got. Thank God you're here to quantify it mathematically for us. So let's say everyone turned the podcast off now. So let's say everybody's your relationship with everyone is on a scale of one to a hundred.

So if you're really close to someone, that's a hundred. If you're very far, it's a one and then everyone else lies somewhere in between whoever your whoever's number is higher is whose loyalty you should be with. So for example, you count your sister giving three hand jobs. Are you a 90 with her and an 85 to your friend? Because if so, that 90 is higher than the 85 and thus you shouldn't tell your friend. But if you're closer with your friend than you are with a girl, then your loyalty is owed to him and you should tell that person.

So whether you catch your girlfriend, your sister cheating on her boyfriend, the decision whether to tell that person or not depends on how close you are with a person that you cheated on him with. I completely disagree. Really? Yeah. So if you saw your friend, let's say Rosie and he was dating some girl you didn't know and he was cheating on her, would you tell your, would you tell that girl?

I think you would not. That's a different situation. You would not. If I did not. If I didn't know the girl. You would not. Oh my God, he's broken. If I knew two people relatively well, if they're like 90s or 85s on your scale that you just

fucking pulled from your asshole, I think the respectful thing to do is talk to your one friend who made the mistake and say, I know about this, you have to correct it. How do you, how does one correct it? Okay, let me go back in time. Tell the truth. Oh, and like force that person to tell the truth. Not maybe not like force them to tell him, but like they know that someone else knows, they're way more likely to be like, all right, I have to come clean.

Okay. Like you keep it quiet. The three guys on the football team have to keep it quiet. So let's say you have an acquaintance that you don't know very well and you see him cheating on your sister with somebody else, would you still talk to the acquaintance who you put at a 50 or would you tell your sister, you know why? Because she's higher. She's higher than a 50.

She's a goddamn 99. I'm sorry. My sister's a 100. I love you. I love you. Sarah, Rachel, Liza, Hannah, you guys are all the best. I would punch anybody in the face if they cheated on you, but you're, this is, they're two separate instances.

One is a stranger and someone you love. The other is two people that you know. So your fucking algorithm doesn't work out. Okay. I'm saying the extreme versions. Let's say you see an acquaintance of yours cheating on a really good friend of yours. I tell my really good friend. Right.

You tell the person that you're closer with. Bring it up to this guy's level, which is the advice we're talking about right now. Sister and best friend. You go, you, I think, unless this best friend is closer to you than your sister. I think your number game gets too blurry up here. No, I think. When you're above a 50 on either person, it's too blurry to tell. I think if your sister's a 100 and this guy's a 99, your loyalty is your sister, you don't

say anything. I quit. How about that? Last podcast ever, people. I'm done. Actually, the last two questions we've disagreed on have been very callous for both of us. Oh, yeah, shit. You know, usually you come off as like the worst person in these, but now I'm feeling,

I don't know, ashamed of myself, lobbying for the, the, the permanent closure of these humane societies and hiding cheating affairs. I hate birds and relationships. How's that for fair? This isn't nice. This isn't good. I'm not coming off well. You know who is coming?

Well, though, those three kids on the football team, I owe mercy three different people, three hand jobs, three handies. It's like a fairy tale. She gave three hand jobs to three people at the same time, too, if you could imagine, like some sort of Vishnu cranking three people, two with their hands and then the other one with her vagina. So I guess it was sex. I gave him up.

I can hand job with my pussy. God. All right. I'm back to being the more likable one. Sorry. Yeah. We're all you can turn it up now. How would she know?

Someone's listening for her. Mom. Mom. Stop washing the dish. Stop washing the dish. It's clean. Just scrubbing the same dish down to the porcelain nub. Hands shaking because she knows I'm talking about chicks.

There's nothing she hates more than knowing you talk about chicks, chicks and birds, birds and birds because chicks used to be called birds. Also, chick is a bird. All right. Enough about that. You're alone. You're alone in a room right now. Technically, a chick is a bird.

Baby chicken. I don't know. Birds? What about hens? All right. Question number four. We're running out of time, but we got to get through it. Wait.

Maybe we should take that break. Oh, nice. We never take the breather. Let's take the breather. All right. What are you doing right now? Kind of flexing my arm. Been on a diet for the last three days.

What do you mean three days? Today's Wednesday. This is the third day of your diet. Oh, today's? You've been on a diet for two days. Yeah, yesterday. Also, what did you have for breakfast? I had a croissant today.

And then what did you have? What did you drink for breakfast? Really? With cream and sugar. Okay. So far today, which is the third day of your three-day diet, you've had cream, which is basically the liquid that separates butter from milk. Sugar, which is pretty much the worst part of a diet.

This is not a croissant, which is a carb-loaded buttery pastry treat. And you know what? I'm still fucking ripped. So, there's that. But you know what? I guess it is a diet because for lunch, you have spinach. For lunch, I've only eaten raw vegetables and lean meat for the past two days. Two days.

And for dinner, I only eat vegetables and meat. So you're eating a two-thirds carb-free diet. You're living paleo for two-thirds of the day. You know, if you're going to eat carbs, you're supposed to eat them in the morning because you have all day to work them off. And if you don't eat carbs? If you don't eat carbs, then you're healthier than I am. Well, you need some carbs because, you know, you're working out.

You need that energy to burn. I'm not sure if the paleo diet is as healthy as it sounds. But you get carbs from like some fruits, right? That's true. There's definitely, nobody is like, oh, you need to eat like a croissant every day. No, yeah. That's not a thing. Why are you working out?

Why is this diet happening now? I'm going to Burning Man. Uh-huh. So I want to be able to take my shirt off and look strong. What is Burning Man? Burning Man is, what is Burning Man? Yeah. It's sort of like an exercise in radical self-expression.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And that's according to the website. And according to you? It's like, um, I think it's like a... Where chicks just like walk around. It's a 7-A rave in the desert where I'm just going to be a... Do you know they call it, when you have sex with Burning Man, they call it dusting?

Why? Because everyone's so dusty. And I guess you like pound each other and the dust flies off. Oh, wow. I mean, I don't think that actually happens, but I guess that's what they call it. I'm sure that happens. Oh, I mean, like sex definitely happens. Yeah.

Maybe the dust flies off. I guess. Maybe. 60,000 people in the desert. And that's why you're not eating any carbs after 10 a.m. every morning? Right. I want to look ripped. And then when you get to Burning Man, what's the diet like there?

Um, it's... You only eat what you bring in, so I guess I'm just going to get like a bunch of cliff bars and stuff. So back to regular carb...carbo loading. Yeah. Or like maybe I'll get some jerky. I don't really know. You're just going to arrive in the desert with 12 pounds of jerky and flip bars.

I don't know if you have somebody fucking drugs it won't matter what I eat. That's bad for an answer. It's going to be so sad when they play this clip at your funeral. I'm going to be on so many drugs it doesn't matter what I eat. At least he died happy. Starving on drugs. All right. Last question.

Let's get to it. Let's squeeze it in. This one comes from President Bartlett. Hey guys, I'm in a pretty bad predicament. My school is hosting a charity date auction and I was asked to participate. Unfortunately, I have no discernible talent to display at the show. Most of my talents are not something you can display on stage. If you know what I mean.

No, really. I like having conversations about politics and the economy, but I'm not even sure that qualifies as a talent. I tried learning to play the harmonica, but that's been a while and I'm pretty shitty at it. Should I try to improve on that before the show? Same goes for whistling, I guess. Hope to hear your thoughts on it.

Jesus. Is there any way you can get out of the talent show? Unfortunately, the school has asked him to participate and I guess he's committed at this point. His talent is... Well, it's not really a talent. He just likes having conversations about politics and the economy. Yeah, your question is like,

not sure if that qualifies as a talent. It doesn't. Okay. And then he sort of goes... I like talking about some topics. Does that make me talented? Well, that's what we do here and we assume we're talented. Oh shit.

Oh my God, this is us. Start a podcast. I can't whistle. I can't play the harmonica. We're just as talentless as this guy. Oh no. But the thing is we're not signed up to perform a talent show. Right.

There you go. You know what I did at a talent show in third grade, which maybe this guy can cram in, is memorizing all the presidents in order. Sort of difficult, sort of easy. It is somewhat of a talent because it's like, hey, you memorized 44 names or whatever. Right.

You're saying really fast. Sure. Do you still know them? I like know most of them in chunks. There's a few in the 20s that get a little hazy to me. But this is over 20 years ago I memorized it. Wow. So it just goes to show you how powerful your memory can be.

I don't even know the second president. John Adams. There we go. Do you know any other number? Like if I say one, that's George Washington. Is there any other number that I can name that you would know the president? I know 16 was Lincoln.

That's true. I guess Barack Obama's 44. Three. Is it 43? No, no, that's 40. I'm saying you know the president. Oh, yeah. I could go back from there for a while.

This is him on stage at the talent show. So I know Washington's won Lincoln's 16. Obama, Bush, Clinton, the other Bush. I think it was Reagan before that. So I could go back a little bit. Does anyone keep track of how much I am? That's pretty good. Okay, whistling.

Here we go. I guess you could say I have the blues about this. Oh, God. The tomato. What about juggling? I learned to juggle in like an hour. Is that true? Yeah.

Juggling is not very hard. Yeah, but the juggling that you can do isn't good for a talent show. Three balls? Right out loud? Yeah, that's the minimum. The minimum juggling is what you learn. The barrier for any of this talent show is nothing. Okay, like they're begging him to perform.

He doesn't even have a talent. So I think, yeah, juggling is probably going to fly. Three balls? What's more impressive than three? The minimum amount of balls you can juggle. People do two with one hand. Only when they're learning how to do three. Oh, you know, the other thing is we can do Rubik's Cubes.

Oh, yeah. We can solve a Rubik's Cube in like under two minutes. That looks kind of impressive. I taught myself that. Well, not really. I did it from a YouTube tutorial. You can YouTube Rubik's Cube tips, and there's this whole tutorial that shows you how to do a Rubik's Cube.

Yeah, then you speed it up. Me and you used to have a contest. My time, I feel like I remember I got it to 218, and then we were trying to get it under two minutes, and you did it under two minutes. Right, and then we both forgot how to do it. That's true, but if it's fresh in your mind, you could totally do it on stage.

That would be cool. I'm pretty into like the idea of like little weird party tricks like that, just to keep my brain sharp and to hopefully impress someone one day. The Rubik's Cube thing has never paid off, but I recently learned how to memorize a deck of cards. That's something I wanted to sort of try doing. Like looking at a deck of cards, and then a minute later being able to recite the order.

Right, that'd be really cool. Would that be impressive? Definitely. I would try to learn a music instrument right now. A harmonica? No, it's going to take a lot of practice to be actually like impressively good at the harmonica. But memory, memory is the shit.

Memory is the way to go. That's our advice. If I were you, I'd... This was the most genuine advice we've ever given. I don't think we made fun of him enough. What's really is a bonus podcast where for half an hour, we turn into this talentless loser who we just found out is slightly more,

if not equally talented than us. All right, we are way, way, way long. Shit. Yeah, thanks so much for listening, everybody. The email address, oh, we totally didn't even mention what the email address was, which is, if I were you, show at gmail.com, email us in, we'll do our best to answer your questions,

try to get you out of the sticky situations that you find yourself in, or at the very least, we'll try to make fun of you a little bit. Yeah. What else can we plug? What else can we talk about? Oh, our YouTube account. That's right.

We're uploading episodes to YouTube now. Yeah. So you can listen to it. If you go to youtube.com, slash, if I were you, show. You can watch our videos there. We also did a video episode of a podcast. We want to do another one, hopefully in September and October. So all our videos will go there.

Check that out. And thanks for listening on SoundCloud and on iTunes. Y'all are the best. Y'all are really, y'all really are the best. Y'all are the best. And please keep the theme song submissions coming. We started to get like really awesome ones more and more now. And that first one was from a guy named Jacques Snow,

which you really liked. I loved it. And this one is from a guy named Gianni, G-I-A-N-N-I. Is that Gianni or just Johnny but spelled it Gianni? Gianni, I think. Gianni. Gianni. Gianni Aiello.

Thanks so much for listening, everyone. Thank you.