If I Were You - 179: Hickey (w/Laura and Angela)

Episode Date: October 19, 2015

Friends and fellow HeadGum podcasters Laura Lane and Angela Spera stop by to give advice on texting, flirting, and your sex number.This episode is brought to you by Squarespace, Naturebox, and MeUndies.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Austin Archer. Who? Austin Archer. Dude, I like that. A singer-songwriter actor type living in NYC. Dude. That was really good.

You guys live in NYC. We do. We do. Did you pick it on purpose? No. I picked it because I love Irish punk rock. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

It was like once. Yeah. And that we should only listen to it one time. I mean, give it a break. I write songs about my dog. We could jam together. Actually, sure. Yeah.

Did you like to write songs about dogs? Do you know how to play guitar? I do. Do you want to sing a song about your dog? Oh, my God. I thought you said that was a fake guitar. That was a blow-up. That was because we didn't want to play it on your podcast.

I know. We should tell everybody that's listening who the heck you guys are just in case they don't know. If they don't know now, they know. It's Lauren Angelo. Hi. Hello. We don't only have a book coming out and a podcast.

On your network. On our network. So I shouldn't say you don't even, you not only have a podcast, but you have a book coming out. Yeah. Same name for everything. You wanted their bigger accomplishment to be there and have a podcast on our network. Yeah.

Both of them are called. This is why you're single, right? Correct. And it's sort of like a female if I were you. It's like a different angle on the same theme, which is giving advice. Although we were listening to your podcast every week, but like your guys' advice is so on point. Really?

Yeah. I like, I hope ours is as good as you. But I don't, I feel like our views are, I feel like our views are really similar. We wrote an advice books. Yeah. No. Yeah. Good plug.

Sorry. This is why you're single. Also a book available. Yeah. Our book's really funny. You can buy it right now on Amazon. Would you say? Yeah.

You can pre-order it on Amazon. Brides and Nobles. This is why you're singlebook.com. Boom. It's that easy. It'll come December 8th. Just in time for the holidays. Yeah.

So give it to your friends. Jake and I do hope that we give good advice, but sometimes it's, at the end of the day, it's two 30-something-year-old white dudes talking, so we can only give it from our point of view. So I'm kind of excited to have two ladies on the show. Right. Oh, yeah. Two white ladies.

We'll try to add two. Well, babies have to tell the listeners. Laws Asian. You know what you're getting into. So if I found at least a few questions that maybe Jake and I wouldn't necessarily answer because they're coming from a female point of view that hopefully you guys could provide. That's the thoughtful that you sifted through all the mail to find. Oh, yeah.

It was all a mirror. Well, I did a Google search for slut questions. Oh, really? Yeah. No, although one of them is about sluts, or at least the word slut, where I'm like, it's probably, I don't feel as comfortable answering this question without any girls in the room. So I'm happy that you guys are here.

Whenever I say that word, I'm like, I'll say, I'll be like, oh, I'm so happy. I'll say, I'll be like, oh, that's something like a slut. I'm like, wait, no, stop. That sounds like feminist. Why do I say that word? Don't say that word. Don't slut shame. That's a new thing is like, I'm seeing videos and stuff that I made like in the early 2000s

and the word bitch is used a lot. The word slut is used a lot and it makes me cringe now. Yeah. I try not to use that word. Although I use the word bitch a lot, but in like a positive way. I'm like, that bitch was so smart. Yeah. I'm like, that bitch's skirt is so cute.

Oh, so you're turning it. Isn't that like kind of what the N word was? Right. They started using it. Yeah. In a positive spin. Maybe. Or maybe just women hating other women.

Let me speak with very, very much validity about what the N word means. Yeah. I don't know. I don't, I don't be the authority on the word bitch. Actually, since we're already in the zone of it. Do you guys mind if I read this quote unquote slut question? Well, you haven't explained what the show is. We sort of did.

Yeah. It's an advice podcast. It's called if I were you. It's actually the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by Jake and I. Really? And people will write into the show at if I were you show at gmail.com seeking our guidance. Sometimes it's just Jake and I and sometimes we have very wise friends with us. Today we have Lauren Angela from the very hilarious, very popular.

This is why your single podcast. Thanks. You guys were our first endorsement for our book. The very first ones we got. We guys wrote back right away. It's almost sad how quickly we wrote back actually. Yeah. I was like, hey, does only have a lot going on?

That was really nice of them. You emailed me nine different quotes and then called. We treat our email inbox like a to-do list. So if we don't get back to you right away, it'll be weeks. No, that's how I am. I like to just check stuff off my list. Yeah. So why don't we check this question off the list?

That was such a good segue. Oh my God. I'm dead. No, okay. Oh, this is another part of our show. We give every, even though these are real emails from real people, we're going to give them a fake name to preserve their anonymity. So we're not actually going to call these people out.

Angela, do you have a fake name for this question? For the select question. Yeah. I was going to go through famous lots in history. Oh, that could be good. I don't know. Whose history is most famous slut? I don't know.

The King Henry, the second wife. Didn't she like, she like made him like leave his wife? Yeah. She was a trollop. She made him leave his wife to like. We can't say slut is trollop. I watched the tutors, but now I can't remember. There's no trollop shaming on this show.

I learned all my history from Scarlett. Scarlett Letter. Let's call her Scarlett. That's a poor name. No. That's tongue-in-cheekly. You're great. That's tongue-in-cheek.

Scarlett writes. So my last relationship, which ended around eight months ago, was quite a shit show. It was both amazing and emotionally-ilt intimate, while still leaving a shit stain on my life. Anyway, when shit started really hitting the fan, he left me for his best friend, but then wanted to get back with me, but then didn't want to hurt her by breaking up, whatever. It's a long, stupid story. He started insulting and blaming me for things that went wrong in our relationship, which we were dating too.

This wasn't new, and calling me names, his favorite of which was slut. Wait, why is she the slut when he's the one that, like, hooked up with? Oh, it gets worse. Don't worry about that. All right. A little bit more. Now, this was a problem when we were dating as well. A few weeks into our relationship, he learned that I had racked up a decent amount of guys

I had made out with or done more with for the past year. He'd only kissed three girls in his life, including me. Meanwhile, he was my 18th person that year. Now, I adamantly made it really clear to him that I only had sex once with an old boyfriend of six months, so it wasn't like I was going around fucking guys. I would just have some innocent fun with a guy, and purposefully, I wouldn't date them or get emotionally attached. So it's not like he wasn't special as a boyfriend, and I never touched their dick.

I was adamant to him about that. Nothing under the pants. He was really passive-aggressive the entire time we were dating, saying that he was fine, but then he would use it against me if I hung out with my guy friends. Now, back to this shit-hitting-the-fan, eventually I started getting defensive, specifically about the slut thing. He knew I had problems with intimacy, but he degraded my body anyway, saying things like how everyone got a piece of it, and that I was planning to, quote, give myself away to

all my guy friends, too, which is very false. When I told him that he knew I only had sex with one person, he said that you don't have to have sex to be a slut, and that I was a slut with what I was doing, and it was disgusting, and that I should be ashamed of myself, et cetera, et cetera. My question is, is it still considered, quote, unquote, slutty if you aren't fucking? I mean, I know this guy was a dick, but I kind of wonder if he has a point. Because of how close and honest we once were, and how distant and bitter we became, I'm not entirely sure how to interpret this.

Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you, love, Scarlett. My only one that's going to side with the dude on this one, I'm sorry, I mean, 18, 18, above the pants. And I mean, I know she was adamant about not touching the D, but you can't trust a floozy. Oh, Jesus Christ, sorry, go ahead. I only wanted to. I'm just glad her question wasn't like, so do you think we have a future?

At the very least, she did realize this guy was a mean, terrible human. I mean, listen, as you were reading that question, all of us were like cringing, trying to jump into her defense like midway through the email. Stop, don't have to begin, stop. This guy's so horrible. This is why you don't talk about your number. Okay. But no, also, even if your number, even if she touched 18 Ds.

Right. It shouldn't matter. Yeah. This is just his insecurity. Right. That's all on him. Yeah. He's obviously a jealous, mean, bad person.

And he also hasn't gotten, he, God knows he just tried to hook up with more than three people. Right. Easily. The fact that he hasn't. I mean, why has he not? Because he's a douchebag. He's a real doucher.

But the question is specifically, is it considered slutty, quote unquote, if you aren't fucking? Do you consider that a, it lets us get rid of the word slutty because that has a negative connotation. Right. Okay. What's a more accurate, less negative word for quote unquote slutty? That's a really good question. What is an appropriate word?

Is sleazy? Loose? Oh, really promiscuous? Oh, promiscuous. Man, all right. See, that's why I don't stop. We wrote a book. I feel really conflicted about this because I feel like you should be able to do whatever

you want. And you should be able to hook up with however many people you want. But yeah, I guess if you're like, as long as it's not under the pants, there has to be a line, Laura. Yeah. And that line is a zipper. Yeah. But I guess if you were like going to describe a friend, like, is she prude or is she like

more loose? Like, yeah, you can definitely be loose if you have, right? Oh, now you're getting uncomfortable. Imagine how I feel. I mean, I know that like it would get in my head if I was dating somebody who had a really high number. It would like freak me out. But not to the point where I would like not date them or be like, I mean, you're like,

the question is like, is it slutty? Is it slutty? Is it loose to like make out with a ton of dudes and like kind of mess around? I think though it's just a matter of semantics, right? Maybe it is promiscuous to have lots of partners. But is that a bad thing? Right. But destination is promiscuous.

I think it is promiscuous, but I don't think it's a bad thing. Right. And like he should be stoked. Like she got a ton of practice. Thank you. Like so all these. So yeah, some people can say promiscuous and some people can say slutty. It sort of matters.

Her question is, is it slutty? It might be considered slutty in the eyes of some people, but are those people the kind of people that you want to be your boyfriend? That's a great point. Yeah. That's a great point. What about her follow up question, which is, sorry, this is pretty much the main one. How close and honest?

Is there anything negative? Like there's this idea that guys always lie up about their number and girls like to lie. Yeah. What is the deal with them trending down? No, guys should be stoked. I mean, as long as they don't have any diseases, like shouldn't you be like great? She learned some new moves. Right.

But do you find yourself as a lady not wanting to sleep? Because as a girl, you probably do care about a guy's number. Yes. And I wish I didn't. Like I have asked. Yeah. What the number is. Yeah.

I want to know. At a curiosity. You never really need to know. I mean, I was just seeing. Do you want it to be lower because that makes you more special? Or do you want it to be higher because it's like, oh, I'm sleeping with a guy who's good at this. Like I don't want to play basketball.

I want like a middle number because if it's like totally unrelated thing, I just don't like you. Yeah. If it's too high. Yeah. I know. Then I even hate that I like want a certain number because I feel like I don't want men to judge women.

That's the perfect number. Right. That's a great question. 14. But like if I'm going to a restaurant, I want my chef to have prepared a thousand meals. Why is it not that with a part sexual part sex? If it's like zero and you're like 30, I'm not saying that you're saying it could be too low.

Well, I think you want to have a similar average, like similar number. I would just be curious about why that, like why, what happens. Right. I would just be suspicious, but I wouldn't necessarily not go for it. I think maybe the, the, it's not necessarily like the amount. It's sort of like, does the number coincide with the kind of person you think that is. Yeah. So if you're dating somebody and you think she's very sweet and innocent, you say, like,

how many people have you slept with? I'll tell you my number. She's like, oh, 950. Right. And you're like, oh, fuck, you are not who I thought you were. Yeah. It's all about expectations. Yeah.

That's true. You don't have it wanting, you wanting it to be close to your number. Yeah. Cause you want to be like a similar level of experience, I guess, but like at a certain point is in a sex, it's not about experience. Like I could have had sex with a hundred people or 50 people and I'm probably going to be roughly the same. Yeah.

To be real real, I have like the opposite problem. I have kind of a low number and sometimes I'm like, I like feel the need to lie up with the guy. Wow. Cause I feel like they think like there's nothing wrong with me and there's no, I was late bloomer, whatever guys, whatever it's kind of, But it actually makes a lot of sense to me because I've been with people that I like when I found out that they have not had a sex with a lot of people or like in one instance,

I found out that they hadn't sex, had sex with anybody. I like really freaked out and I had wanted nothing to do with it because I'm like in my head as a guy, I'm like, oh yeah, this, this person only has sex when it really means something. Right. And I don't want to have anything meaningful right now. Yeah. Yeah.

There's a stigma. Well, that's just because Jake didn't want to have anything meaningful, but if you wanted to, if you, if you were with someone that, and it was meaningful, then maybe you should tell him cause then maybe he'll be actually honored. That's another reason why I think I've been gamble. What number did you say when you lied? 58. Yeah.

I figured I'd play it safe. 58. I'm like, I'm not going to say it because I'll give away my real number. But I know cause I already saw you started to note the word. All right. I saw the. I definitely started with an F or an S. You know, every number starts with an F or an S. It's kind of an interesting linguistic

factor. It was a letter. It was a letter that starts with the mouth closed. Or what about the first one? What a funny clue that is. I am a certain age and to pronounce the age, your mouth has to be closed. How old am I? Porty poor.

So there is, there, the number quote unquote is kind of a secret thing that shouldn't matter but kind of does. But there's some weight to it. Right. So do you, when you're with someone, do you, do you ask, do you know, do you want to know? How often do you know and how often do you not know? I asked and then he's like, why does it matter? Oh, that means a lot.

That's what you say when there's a lot. And then it matters because you won't tell me. I was really glad. I was like, I was like, yeah, I like having my, it's good to have your own. Do you know your specific number? Yes. Do you keep, is it a number where your mouth needs to be closed? Is it 69?

Do you keep a running tab or like a Excel spreadsheet? I'm married now guys. But like how many times have you had sex with your husband? I write it in my calendar every time it happens. You have to have a diary. So the thing is with girls, they could sleep with pretty much as many guys as they want. So that number is kind of less meaningful with guys. It's like an accomplishment.

Look how many girls I've tricked into boning me. That's what that number means. With girls, it's like, yeah, you can sleep with a new guy every day. It's not that impressive. Cause guys have like a lower standard, are you saying that like they'll just sleep with anybody? Yes. What I'm saying guys are often trying to sleep with women and it feels like women are often

trying to choose which guy they accept advances from. Do you guys feel like that as women or is that just something we're projecting? You don't want the guy to judge you. That's what you get hung up on. It's not like, oh, should I sleep with this guy or this guy? Girls like having sex. Girls want to have sex. Most of the time, if you go to a bar and you're making out with a girl, she probably

wants to have sex with you. But she's thinking, or you're saying that she's thinking. But I want to hear from him again. And she doesn't want to come across as like easy or like a slaughter. If she's really, truly interested in you and wants to date you long term, then she's not going to probably not do it. Right. But that doesn't register with guys.

If a guy is making out with a girl, she's like, he's not thinking, oh, I probably shouldn't sleep with her tonight cause then she won't call me. Right. Right. Well, yeah, definitely. We're just thinking we want to sleep with them. Right. And also.

Would you judge a girl if she slept with you the first night you guys met? No. If you had like a great date before then. No, I would not. But also, I understand, I wouldn't judge them, but I get tired of things really quickly. So I think there's definitely value in not sleeping with me the first time because then it makes me like pine for somebody. It makes me want to.

Yeah, guys. Like a chase. I definitely understand that. But here's the thing. The hunter-gatherer thing. So then the other option is she makes you wait. And then there will always be the date where it does happen. And then you'll lose interest then.

Right. So what's the point of dating? Going on three dates. You're hooked by then. Yeah. Like she's just trying to trick you into falling for her by the time she gets. She's not tricking you. She's just saying like, hey, maybe after four or five dates, you'll actually like me as

a person. So. Exactly. So like the trick is. I can dupe you into thinking I'm cool. Right. And if I sleep with you tonight, you won't even give me that opportunity. Exactly.

Right. So that is the advice for ladies. Right. I guess so. Is to wait. Unfortunately. Has that ladies given you that advice? Is that a lady to lady advice?

Yeah. Definitely. Yeah. We're like, don't sleep with them. Cause yeah. It's what I don't know. We also will. We say like, you know, do you do.

Right. Yeah. Because there are. There are men that are not like Jake. Really? We'll. We'll come back even though you sleep with them for the first time night. Yeah.

Yeah. Like you should. You should own your sexuality. Yep. It is interesting because a guy has never given me the advice of don't sleep with her even though you can make her wait. So what's the difference there? Well, I think it's because there's like this perception that like once you sleep with her,

she'll be hooked on you where it's like the opposite for women. There's the perception that like once you sleep with him, he will be over it. Like he's, he's like, he's won his conquest. That's interesting. So it's like the opposite perception for men and women. That is kind of true though. It's like in a super basic mean way. Like once you slept with a girl, you've quote unquote beat the video game.

Like you're not. But that it's a sad reality that I do get that. You think that's true? I don't necessarily think it's true, but I feel like it is for some people. Yeah. Like, oh, I've already slept with her. I don't necessarily need to go out with her again. Like you said, they'll look quote unquote lose interest.

They shouldn't though. Like sex is different every time. Like it could. Yeah. Yeah. And it gets better with age and better with how more you do it with the same person. Yeah. You could play lots of different video games.

Like I've seen the boss in Sonic the Hedgehog plenty of times. Right. It's always great. It's like Settlers of Catan. You should get the like war warriors and like barbarians. That's interesting. Like special. Oh, the expansion pack.

Right. Think of sex as a board game, not a video game. Right. So like you can play a board game. Like apples to apples. There's like the 80s. Right. Add on pack.

Or cards against humanity. Yeah. True. Yeah. And you can play with multiple people like more and more folks like you slept with me. Simpson's Edition. Exactly.

Yeah. Which is like when I dress up as Marge. Right. Right. Right. Right. So is it still considered quote unquote slutty? Don't use the word slutty.

It's never. I feel like you came up with that it's never considered slutty except for in somebody else's eyes. In somebody else's eyes. And then that person is probably someone you like should not want to be with. Right. But I feel like I've been called a man whore before. And how did you feel about that?

Fine. Do you like that stigma? I do. Do you like that title? It didn't really bother me I guess. But then I was it was also. But you were probably at a time in your life when you like yeah you were like fine with it.

You were like yeah it's true because I don't want to settle down. Right. I guess I'm not dealing with the same level of shame as women have to when they hear the word slut. Man whore is almost sort of like mockingly. Right. Like adorable. Like you scamp.

Yeah. There's also a difference between a stranger calling or like a friend calling you a man whore and then like somebody that you dated calling you a slut. It's like well. Yeah. You dated me. Yeah. I think.

Yeah. If you think I'm so gross and horrible then why are you such for you with me? It's so harsh. Yeah. If any of my exes call me that I'd be like heartbroken. Yeah. Either get over it and date me. Or think I'm a slut and don't date me.

I can't do both. Don't you say it. Yeah. What about girl on girl slut shaming? Does that happen? Yes it happens. Girls are judgey. Unfortunately.

What do you think is worse? I mean not like worse in the world. What's a bigger problem? Guy slut shaming or girl slut shaming? Or poverty. Or the war in Syria. Yeah. That's a good question.

It's all about context. I feel like it's case by case. Yeah. I mean like yeah it's like women should support other women but. Sure. It depends if I like the girl or not. That's a bad answer. If she's like a mean bitchy slut.

When you see a girl like that that's sleeping around with a lot of dudes. Do you look down on her? Well I had a friend like growing up and for whatever reason she I mean now I realize it was like a low self confidence thing but she would flirt and try to hook up with like every friend's like boyfriend or even if she wouldn't like end up hooking up she'd be like in her bathing suit just like totally on top of like whoever's boyfriend it was that was there. She did this like every single friend.

It's like a power thing. She's an effing slut. Yeah it was like a power thing. She wanted to know that like if she had the chance she could get every one of our guys. That resonates with me. So you're the slut. Yeah. Which is why you were called that.

Yeah. So she was like a horrible person but like she needed it for like her own validation. So in that case I'd be like yeah a little slew. But yeah. Yo you wouldn't say the two. Get away from our men. You know what if you have a really nice friend that sleeps with a lot of people then you don't call them a slut.

Absolutely not. So I think it's just a word. Context. That people you like that women will use towards other women in place of like bitch. Which is another word here's not supposed to be. Right. If I have a friend that hooks up with a lot of guys and she's not looking for a long term relationship and she's just like owning it and like get it girl.

Use protection and you get it. So I don't know that the problem is that you're like oh she's sleeping with so many people. No it's not. It's like the context. It's just like I don't like that girl and she's sleeping with a lot of people. Yeah. Now she's a slut. Now she's a slut.

It's like I don't like that person and they're fat so you would call them a fat. Right. Exactly. Or but if you like love a person and they're fat. They're totally little teddy bears. They're great in their size. Yeah. Or whatever.

So yeah. Cool. Decided. I think we diselected. I dissected. I like the word slew which is like slut without the T. Yeah. Or sleuth.

Yeah. Or sleuth maybe. It's like you're sleuth shaming which is sleuthsayer. Yeah. Or sleuthsayer. I'd say this lady was not being a sleuthsayer. I don't think so. No.

She could have touched the D. You could have touched as many D's as you wanted to and it would have been height. All right. Should we go on to the next question which is about a girl but written from a dude. Laura do you have a fake guy's name? Um. Barnaby. That's a great name.

I like that a lot. Is that, is that a name? I don't want, I don't want to name this after a potential future child name that you have. Nope. It's not. I would never name my kid Barnaby in a million years. Just a guy named Barnaby. Listen to this.

Janica and Danica. Yeah. He would be like, he would have to own a circus. Yeah. And have a cape. And that was before he was your child. Yeah. Exactly.

Barnaby writes. Hey guys. I'm 17 and in a confusing relationship. I've been dating my girlfriend for three months. We met in summer camp last year and she had a, and we had a crush on each other. She's hot, has great boobs and loves to straddle me. She lives in New Jersey and I live in Long Island. So the commute isn't the best but I like her a lot.

The only problem is she's an absolute lunatic. She's a very defensive person meaning that if I make one negative comment about her she starts yelling at me and threatening to break up with me. She had a falling out with her camp friends who I became really good friends with this summer. They all tell me that she's a psychopath and that she's manipulative and I'm starting to see that now. She constantly gives me hickeys to remind the girls at school that I'm taken.

She also recently texted me that if I ever cheated on her she would quote, make me regret it. What does that even mean? Should I be concerned? Is she really insane in the membrane or does she just really like me and is acting like a normal girlfriend? Do either of you have a psychotic ex? Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks. Oh my God, I love this. This is a good question. Similar to the last one in that psychotic and slut or words they get thrown at women a lot. Yeah, which is bad. Like, oh what a crazy bitch. Yeah.

He also didn't specify what the negative comments are he's saying to her are. I'm calling her a slut. Yeah, he's like every time I call her a slut she gets a little crazy in her head. Yeah, this is the boyfriend from the first question. And maybe he's like I'll cheat on you and she's like you'll regret it if you do but he's like only leaving the part that like she says you'll regret it. Do you know any crazy girlfriends like this? Crazy girls like this?

Are you friends with them? Who knows? Maybe somebody's out there calling me a psychopathic lunatic. Right. How do you know? I really think that that's one of the most damning things a guy or a girl because it's worse than slut. It's worse than bitch.

I'm calling a woman crazy. Yes. It's like when I hear that I write somebody off so quickly. Yes. Like, oh I can't deal with that. She's crazy. Like that's worse than any of the words. Because like 99.9% of the time they're like 100% not crazy they're just like being a normal

girlfriend. I also don't, yeah I don't think people are ever, I mean well they are crazy people in the world but it's very rare that somebody is a victim of someone else just being totally batshit crazy. Right. Like they have to be a little bit crazy too. You have to be a little bit crazy to put yourself in a relationship. Crazy attracts crazy.

Yeah. I mean there's crazy guys and there's crazy girls but let's assume for a second this is a crazy girl. Okay. Because it is a possibility that she is kind of crazy. What makes some people act this way whether it's a guy or a girl? Insecurity? Like threatening to leave?

Yeah. Well she's clearly very nervous he's going to cheat on her which is why she's leaving her mark. The Hickeys. The Hickey March. Straddling all the time. I've gotten some Hickeys that I didn't want. I don't like the Hickeys.

Are you guys pro or anti Hickey? I mean I don't want them on me but that's because I have to do like on camera stuff. But I mean even when you're a team. So in college. Yeah. I mean I give them really easily. Like I'm just a. Are you get them really easily?

No. I give them really easily without meaning to. Yeah. So I had an ex. You make a good suction. I had an ex boyfriend in college and we like had our post-relationship relationship which is the worst. Where you're like still hooking up after you break up whatever.

So jokingly I was like I'm going to give you Hickeys they're like nobody else did you. And then I accidentally gave him a Hickey the size of like a fist on my neck. Oh my God. And then I was like really embarrassed that I was like everyone knows I did that and that's not. The size of how big was your mouth of my reciting. I don't know what happened. She swallowed his head.

Because I was like I think it's like I was joking I was like and then it was like it looked like somebody punched him in the neck and I remember like being in the cafeteria at school like walking next to him and being like I hope nobody puts this together. How do you like get rid of Hickeys. I don't even remember because I use ice. You have to suck on the other side. Didn't they say like use a spoon or something. Cold spoon that you like rub on your.

Yeah. Something cold. What about vizine. Oh. I've never heard of that. And you put vines on your skin. It's all the same thing. Right.

I think not. I think you have to blow on the other side of your body because you have to make like an equal but opposite reaction. So if somebody could like suck your neck and if you waste enough time doing that the Hickey will go. I could take you three weeks to blow on my right knee. But like that's a funny story that's basically like this story. So like this guy can be like she's crazy she wants to give me Hickeys and then I talked

to her and she's like yeah I was just joking around and I gave him a Hickey. Or like people can give you a Hickey without you like staying still so like he can stop her from giving him a Hickey. Yeah. People can't give you a Hickey without him getting on a train from Long Island going to New Jersey. Yeah I know. Like he's so willingly in this relationship.

He's like so into it. And then also complaining about her. And Hickeys feel good like so he probably likes them and then he's like she keeps giving me Hickeys but then he's like oh yeah girl keep it keep it going when she's like sucking on his neck. I also kind of feel like this is an epidemic of people who are still in high school where you just put up with the worst relationship imaginable because you're getting straddled for the first time.

Right. Well yeah I like it. This girl has nice boobs and she sits on my lap so nothing else matters. That's did he describe her personality at all other than crazy. He was like she's great. She's got big boobs and she straddled me. She's super hot. All of her friends hate her but that's why isn't that what I said once that people stay

in bad relationship because of sex but you said you totally disagreed. No. Yeah. I don't because they don't do it now. I think they do it when they're young. Oh so youngsters often do because they don't realize that they don't know there's better stuff out there. Having sex is better than not having sex and I think that that's true until you're like

not 16 anymore. I think it's true for even adults who can't necessarily have sex very easily that when they do get it regularly they're willing to deal with some crazy business for it. I don't think sex is that important. Ladies weigh in. I'm trying to think if like I've ever. Sorry weigh in if you agree with me. If not change the topic.

Oh got it. I'm not interested. No I agree. I think people. Thanks. All right cool. Oh my god. No continue.

No I think people yeah people stay in relationships unfortunately longer than they should. Like I've seen so many crazy relationships. They do but because of sex. I don't think anybody stays in a bad relationship because they're like I won't get laid if I broke up. No that's true. It's more like they I think they almost like like the drama weirdly it's like it keeps their life interesting.

It's like it gives them something else like whether it's like escaping work or like thinking about other things but they they like the drama in their life and they keep it going because they're like. I disagree with that. I hate drama and I've stayed in dramatic relationships because of the sex because breaking up is hard. And it's like this temporary badness is fine because it's better than dealing with a breakup. So I think people stay in relationships for too long one because breaking up is hard and

two because especially if it's your first relationship this guy asked is this normal. If you've only been in one you don't know what's normal and what's not. Well so the answer for him is you know whether or not this girl is crazy is that it's not normal or it shouldn't be to be in a volatile relationship where everybody is telling you to break up with somebody. That's not normal. Right. So now you can take that information and go do what you want with it but we'll say that

it's not normal. Yeah I agree. I think you might as well get rid of this lady. I think the only way crazy people realize that they're being bad is if they're punished for their actions not punished like I'm going to punish you but it's negatively affecting like this girl's threatening saying if you cheat on me I'll hurt you. So let's break up with her and then she's like oh maybe that wasn't very good this guy broke up with me.

Maybe I should alter my situation going forward. Yeah if you're fighting more than things are peaceful that's not normal. I mean it's not normal for things to be perfect all the time either but that relationship sounds about shit crazy. The relationship does. Oh that's good. Not the lady. The relationship.

It takes two. Crazy attracts crazy. Crazy attracts crazy. That's what you said. Don't pin it on her. She said that. I played off of you. Yeah it was an L.U.

Great minds think alike is another way of saying that. Great sports metaphor. Yeah really. I'm in it. What were we talking about? All right let's take a small break to thank one more sponsor and we'll be right back with another question for Lauren Angela and I guess Jake too. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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Wow. For years and years and years we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one or you want to sell stuff online you can do an online store. They have 24-7 live customer support, email campaigns, data. You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace.

For example, I didn't even look this up but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld is a good dude.com. I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life and maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial and

when you're ready to launch just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, Squarespace.com slash if I were you, free trial, everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you Squarespace. So Lauren Angela, how many podcast episodes have you done at this point? Let's say it's the middle of October.

For those of you who don't know, we were recording this in late February of 2012, so it's middle of October 2015. Is the podcast, wait, what does it say at the top? It'll say the number. I think you've done roughly five or six now. Oh, that was number 11. 11 podcasts. Okay.

You guys are on our number 11 podcast. The double digit club. 11 is a good number. What do you guys think so far? It's so much fun. It's pretty fun. Do you guys like it? Yeah.

It's a lot of narcissists, so it's fun to just talk, although it is easy, like when you're sitting in a basement just talking to your friend, it's easy to forget that eventually this will be broadcast and other people will hear the things that you say and they're there forever. There's like so many times afterwards we're like, oh my God, oh my God, do we say anything bad? What did I say bad? Has anybody come out and been like, hey, you were talking about me on that podcast?

Yes. And for Angela, her ex was like great, she was just having to cycle of. We don't want to get her in trouble. All right. All right. I'm going to be quiet. Yeah. Well, that was an affair question.

Did anybody get mad at you? Tell me about them. I wasn't mad at you. No, it's cool. We had like a couple, we did this like promotion for our book where if you bought our book and like sent us a receipt, we'd like do like a private phone call for like 10 minutes. So we had like a bunch of people that have done that and it's been the coolest thing ever to actually talk to people that are listening to our podcast and we like call them on the

phone or we've like Skyped with them and we're like, oh my God, you're like a real human that like listen to it and they'll like ask us questions and reference things we've talked about in our podcast. That's been pretty amazing. That's so cool. Yeah. For those of you who have not listened to any episode, Jake and I are in your last episode to see you after this episode.

If you want more of the four of us talking, right, highly recommend checking out this is why you're single on headgum.com. Yeah. We give you guys a man child quiz. Yeah. We find out if you guys are man children. We won't give away the answer. Yeah.

If you want to find out who was the bigger man child, check it out. Jake's apparently sucking on a pacifier. Well, that's awesome. Thank you guys for even being on our network. We like. Thank you guys for asking us. We're so excited. I'm no doubt you're part of guys for being on the show today all the way from Brooklyn.

Holy shit. We flew all the way here just for this. Yeah. You don't have 18 other meetings in Los Angeles. No, we're turning right around and going home now. Yeah. We just pretended that we had a bunch of meetings so that we can come to your podcast. Have you guys ever done a live show?

Oh yeah. Oh, well, we do a live. We do a sketch. Not like we've never done like you mean like a live podcast. Yeah. You guys are doing that all over the place. All over the place. You're doing one.

I don't remember. You plugged it on your last show, but now I don't remember the location. Well, we might have already happened by the time this comes out, but yeah, we were. We sometimes tour with the show and it's really fun to like do it live and get like feel that energy of the crowd and get feedback instantaneously and meet people after. Yeah. That sounds cool. You're doing one in February, right?

We are. Oh. Yeah. Hopefully. Hopefully. We're doing one. We might be doing one in New York soon. Oh cool.

We'll go to that. Oh yeah. New York. We're doing the November show in Brooklyn. I don't know if we've announced it yet though. Well, I guess we just did. Right. Well, it's very vague right now.

Clearly we're not good at this yet, but whenever shows do get announced, you can check it out if I were you, show.com if you're interested. Do you guys have time to answer one last bit of advice questions that we got? Yes. That's my ring. California. Yes. This one is from a girl.

Can we get a fake? Also, we don't want to walk down like a hundred stairs. Yeah. Jake, we'll carry you down. You're living in a tower. Yeah. They look like a castle up on a hill. Yeah.

It's like five hundred stairs to get here. I haven't left in a week. But when you should get here, it's a palace. Yeah. Yeah. I've gone downstairs and forgotten something and just been like, fuck it. I'll figure it out. Usually New York is the one with the like the sixth floor walk-ups.

Now we sort of, we brought a little bit of that to Los Angeles. Oh, that's a good way to look at it. Only the pizza here isn't as good. Yeah. And those are the only two differences. And also you don't live in a mansion in New York. Right. This would lead up to a small apartment.

Right. A studio. All right. The question is called texting with boys. Do you have a fake lady name? Either of you? Angela Gufford. Texting with boys reminds me of riding in cars with boys during Drew Barrymore.

I'm Drew Barrymore. Let's call her Drew Barrymore. Who was in this movie with Kevin Bacon. I've been dating this guy for about two weeks and things are starting to get pretty serious, or so I thought. The first two weeks we text back and forth all day long and then all of a sudden he just changed. Now I'm lucky if I even get a good morning text.

How come the second a guy thinks he's got you, he gets lazy and no longer puts the time to do stuff like check in throughout the day. My girlfriends told me that guys just don't like to text as much as girls. Should I take this as a sign that he's getting over it or that he's just getting complacent? Help me read between his absence of lines. Oh, I like that. Very nice. Very well crafted email.

Thanks. Drew Barrymore. Drew Barrymore knows how to write. Dang. So what do you guys think? First thoughts. You guys are texting throughout the day because it gets rid of all mystery and you can't keep that up.

People do that. Totally agree. At the beginning of a relationship and then there's no way to keep it up and then you're going to really quickly feel like you've lost the momentum in the relationship. And then also by the time you go on a date, yeah, you are kind of bored because you already know what they did all day because you were talking all day on gchat or texting. I'm like so against it and everyone of my friends does it. I'm so against it too.

And it drives me crazy. Get together. I think everyone is against it and people do it because they think the other person's into it and nobody wants to do it. The conversations get so boring so fast. You're not that interesting 24 hours a day. No matter how interesting you think you are, you're not. But it's also if you just met somebody and you're excited about them, you're like, yeah,

exactly. I want to know what they're up to. So it's not just out of obligation. But that sets the precedent because at first you do like it's exciting to see that name in your phone. Holy shit. I want to see it again. I'll nudge it again.

And then it's like three months in. It's like, wait, you don't text me as much as you used to. And then you're automatically going to feel like the relationship has died down. But it's like, maybe it hasn't. It's just you set this stupid precedent that you cannot keep up. I'm guilty of this 24 hours nonstop texting. Constant communication. Yeah.

Well, even when you're just flirting. Like an inside joke or if you've got a funny video that you saw, whatever, but not throughout the day. Do not do it. It's more exciting when you wait a little while. It's even more exciting if the person disappears. Like I've been quote unquote ghosted where the person doesn't respond. And my mind is like, holy shit, I'm thinking about this girl all the time now because she

didn't get back to me for one, two, three hours and I'm like, oh my God, what can I do? And it totally works. I really think that like girls work from like attention, but like guys work when they like don't know where you are. Like they guys work. I'm not like articulating that. But guys work from no having no contact.

Is that? Yeah. Yeah. That fuels us. Yeah. That fuels you. Whereas women get fueled by like more interaction. Right.

You're like more coal on the fire and we're like suffocate the fire. Yes. Exactly. Yeah. We like, well, we talked about it in our book. We say like girls. What's the website again? We should say it at least one more time.

This is why you're singlebook.com. Boom. Love it. So like girls also do that thing where they're like, I'm going to post, I'm not hanging out with them tonight, but I'm going to post a bunch of pictures on like Instagram and Facebook of what I'm doing and he's going to think I'm so interesting and fun and he's going to be like, no, like I'm not wondering where you are. I know exactly where you are and I don't care anymore.

I wonder how many Instagram photos are meant for one person. So many. So many. All of them. There's not one where I want to keep my fans in the loop. It's always for one human. Look what I'm doing. Look how many likes.

Look at the comments. I'm cool. I am. Yeah. It's like a little bit of a bragging thing. And every time you like someone's photo, do you not feel like I just winked at her? I kissed her cheek. I gave her what she wanted.

I just confidently walked through a crowded bar, caught her eye and walked out with a really confident way. That's what I think is happening when I like someone's photo. That's that push notification she gets. Once you get that, yeah. Once you get that like you're waiting for, you're like, all right, then you throw your phone in your purse and you're like, I don't need to look at my phone again for like a day.

That's something I like to read. It's such a fun, exciting name to read from. But this girl is saying the guy has sort of slowed up with the texting and does that mean he's not interested anymore? That's your fault though. You shouldn't have been talking to one of the guys. It's both their faults. They both went too hard too fast.

They set up a precedent. If somebody responds to you right away, you feel the need to get back to them right away. It feels weird to wait three hours. They respond instantly and then you wait three hours again. They respond instantly. And you're like, there's always the thing like, well, he texted last, like, I don't want to be rude and not text something back. But then like half the time he didn't ask your question.

He was just like answering your question and then you feel like, all right, I shouldn't be the last. I should. I should. I feel an obligation and then it never ends. Yeah. I definitely try to err on the side of less. Like if it's just a ha ha, I don't respond.

Right. I'm like, that doesn't count. But she's probably really sad. Shoveling coal onto the fire. Can't be enough. Like the train is going full speed towards the river. You always know track. You always have the last line.

Yeah. But I disagree with that. I don't do that. Oh, my God. I would love that. Yeah. Because I really, I believe that most guys, it's like what she said in the email, like I really do believe that guys don't like text as much as girls do unless they're Jake.

Well, that's only in the beginning because like I've been whatever's happening to her right now where like they are dating and once you're dating, then yeah. But I think it's transitions to a more meaningful relationship like the transcends texting. I agree. Now we're going to see each other later. So we'll have a conversation. Right. And I also think like once you're in that stage where you're in a relationship and

if you're not hearing from that person as much as you would like to, you should feel comfortable enough to say something about it to him, not to your friends. A good morning, Texas. Pretty intimate. Like that's not a casual thing. I'm not texting a lot of people. Good morning. I couldn't see why she would miss that because it's like this really sweet thing that you

get. This is the problem with my friend. Yeah. They say he used to text me good night. He used to text me good morning. And then when it stops, you're so sad. Right. It's not necessarily that you blame him like you do the honeymoon period ends, but like

it's sad to see it go. It's a little sad. I remember when I was a kid, my mom used to meet me at the bus stop and there was a time when I was like, I remember having this conscious thought like I will outgrow this like it's not, I'm not sad that it's going to, I don't want to be 16 years old and like have my mom running down the street to hug me. But at the same time, we're like, oh, it's going to be all right. I guess this is growing up.

But at least you were aware, you were aware that it was going to end, which is, which is what a lot of people don't realize with the good morning texts. Right. They're going to go away. They're going to go away. And it's nice that they happened and it cultivated a happy, loving relationship. But there's got to be a next. They shouldn't disappear completely though.

That's fair. I think like, you know, keep, like we say, you should always be courting, texting is a part of courting. ABC. Always be courting. ABC. That makes a lot of sense. But I guess the courtship sort of, it definitely peters out when in the beginning you're like

a hundred percent full steam. All you're thinking about is courting. And you should probably still think about courting, but inevitably you just can't keep up that rate. No, you can't. It's really impossible to be stayed that obsessed with one thing, let alone a different human for that long. Well, that's unhealthy.

And you mentioned that she, if she's feeling like this, she should say something to him. Yes. Which that, that makes a lot of sense to me too. I think she should. And she shouldn't say it through texts. And she should say it in person. And she should be like, you used to do this and you used to do this and now you don't anymore.

Well, she should be careful how she says it. Right. Like because it's, you're talking about texting. Also, it's only two weeks. It's such like a trivial thing. People, two weeks. Or I thought she said three months. I've been dating this guy for two weeks.

All right. Wait a minute. I feel like we had a great conversation at the side of this question because two weeks he stopped texting you. I think maybe I think maybe he found another girl. Yeah. That quickly. Yeah.

I don't know. Two weeks. I would think it's still on. Yeah. And I guess you can't really have that sit down chat after two weeks. Like things used to be so different two weeks ago. Yeah. What happened?

Things have changed. Remember in early October? Now it's just the middle of October. Yeah, exactly. Where did we go wrong? But even two weeks is a lot to be texting all the time. Like you can't keep that up, I don't think. No, you cannot, though.

I don't think it means that he's less into you. But maybe it does. It also doesn't not mean that. Right. So it's just, it's still sort of, it's not enough evidence, I would say. I guess if you miss the good morning text, maybe you just start sending him something. But I want to know is like text aside, like how is he in person? That's important.

Oh, we haven't met. Yeah. This is all for Tinder. So real quick, lightning round. Should I take this as a sign he's getting over it? I say no. Angela? I say no.

Wait it out. Yeah. I say no. That momentum can't sustain. I don't think you could take it as a sign that he's over it. But it's definitely not a good sign. It's definitely not a sign that he's more into it. Cool.

Guys, that's our time. But thank you for coming all the way to Los Angeles to be on our podcast. You're no problem. So much fun. What's the name of your show again in case people want more? This is why you're single on the Head Gum Podcast Network. Yes. So many ways to find this.

It was fun to be your guest. And thanks for being our cool bosses. Thanks. I don't consider myself a cool boss. I consider myself an awesome boss. But yeah. If you have your own questions. Consider myself a good boss.

If you have your own questions. Consider myself a good boss. If you have your own questions or your own theme song submissions, we start and end every episode with one. Send it all to IfIWereYouShowatGmail.com. The opening one was written by Austin Archer. I remember that dude from New York City. And this closing one was written by a lady named Jess.

Jess Momo. She wanted me to shout out her YouTube channel. But she says it's pronounced Mao Mao and a space between Jess and the M-O-M-O show. Jess Space M-O-M-O show for now. So much Mao Mao. Heading your way. Enjoy it. Thank you for the theme song.

Thanks again to Lauren Angela for stopping by. We'll be back soon. Thanks guys. Bye. I don't feel like doing anything. I guess I'll listen till the pinch and a smear. From suicide at a coffee shop to a hand job at a bus stop. Get ready for advice from these Jews.

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