If I Were You - 185: Turtles and Honey

Episode Date: November 23, 2015

In this episode we discuss Nick Jonas, morality, and bees.This episode is brought to you by ClubW, Leesa, and Unroll.Me!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is the Podcast for Solving Problems, this is the show called About You, so raise your hand and ask a fucking question, this is the show called About You. Should I text this girl? Should I break up with this guy? Jake and Amir will quell all your fears and tell you the reason why. Should I text this girl? Should I break up with this guy? Jake and Amir will confirm all your fears and tell you the reason why. Yes, I love it, that's a sassy theme song that tells you how it is. How is it?

It's good. So that theme song is sassy. Sassy. And it tells you how it is. It doesn't sugarcoat it for nobody. And it's good. And it's a positive. What is a positive?

The song. It's like from the future but also the past at the same time. Oh yeah, I loved it. I loved it. It's like the future of 1965 where it was the 80s and the 80s was the future. Oh, interesting. But now the 80s is the past. Yeah, it's retro future.

It's retro. It's richer. It's richer. Fretro is better. It's richer, fretro, sort of. Fretro, fretro. It's in-futuro. It's in-futuro.

So like, you know, in-utero. So that song was completely in-futuro, which is like the conception of something that hasn't happened yet. Interesting. It's an idea of time and space that has existed. I don't like the song anymore. You ruined it for me. It was written by Nathan who submitted a theme song before but came up with another one just in case we ran out. We didn't run out, Nathan.

Well, thank you. But yours is pretty fucking good. So we used it anyway. Yeah. Much appreciated. Should I text this girl? Do I break up with this guy? The only thing I don't like about that song is that it could be misconstrued as gay-friendly.

Like, what if there's a world where people would be like, a girl. So like, I think it would be a perfect world. I think that's another nice thing. Since I am a girl, I can only text with guys. Oh, that is... Yeah, you are a bigot for sure. The only way to improve any song to you is to make sure it makes it completely unambiguous. That's how straight it is.

Yeah. So the song, what's a love song to you? Like, I don't want to miss a thing, right? Yeah, sure. The arrows. I don't want to close my... No, I don't want to close my guys. If I am a guy because I miss girls, baby.

And I only miss girls at all. Yeah, that's pretty cool. What about Sam Smith's Stay With Me? Which one is that? Alright, so it would be like... Which is actually, I think, actually about it. So it would be like... Stay with me, cause you're opposite sex.

We are different enough for me. You're like... So darlings. You're right-wing Christian music that makes everything worse. But I still love pop. I still love romance pop songs. Fair. So...

Yeah. That would be my only note. Hate it. What else? Oh yeah, this is an advice podcast. If you're listening in a car or maybe a gymnasium. And that's it. Or a library.

Fine, three things. But those are the only three places. Maybe it's in your house while a chore is being done. Fine, but four. Actually, some of you are listening to this because it's like, you know, that situation like, you're in a car and you're like, oh, do you guys want to listen to this podcast? I think you'll really like it. Like, I think it's funny, but maybe you guys don't.

Oh, do you think there's people out there right now who are listening to this? Yeah. They're friends. Our podcast. Yeah, and those people, the fans are fucking hoping to God that this is like a good episode. Yeah, cause if they win that friend over, then that's like 183 other episodes they need to listen to with a friend. Yeah, listen to, oh my God, you're going to love it.

And then they have so many other ones. But if it's bad, do you, that burning feeling of like... How many of those friends turned off the podcast when you started gay bashing? That was an inauspicious start because I don't, cause yeah, obviously I was being sarcastic but it was so dry. These guys are great. And they're like, oh, oh, they aren't gay frankly. Yeah.

Well, one of the people, if it's like, if it's like a hundred people that are listening for the first time, a few of them will be gay and a few of them will, should be offended and good. That was a test actually. Yeah. And if you haven't turned off this podcast after hearing that, y'all are actually just as intolerant and not more so than we are. Yeah.

Cause we were kidding and you were eating it up. You got your yucks on the expense of, so folks have been through some pretty hard times actually, scorned by society. So look down upon. Yeah. So if you ask me, you guys are the bad ones. We're the good ones. All we did was shine a light into a corner where the cockroaches live.

Oh, scurry it wrong. The meek shall inherit the straight, hopefully straight earth. Well, that's back to you being. Oh, never mind. I forgot what, yeah. All right. No, you're right. So like we were saying, this is an advice show, a podcast.

It's actually the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. And I'm Amir. And I'm Jake. And we are two 420 friendly, gay friendly, LGBTQ friendly, comedian slash writer slash auteurs. So we're artists who are completely open minded. We don't look down on anybody based on their ethnicity, their creed or their color. I'm totally cool with you saying all that stuff actually.

Yeah. I think we should probably preface. I'm fine. I don't care if you're Korean. Cats are okay. Meow dogs are okay. Wolf. Yes.

So anybody can live here. I don't care if you're from, even if you're like, even if it's so bad that you're from like Switzerland, like that's how nasty you are. I'm still fine with that. There's a lot in the news about people from a country that starts with an S that isn't Switzerland. You didn't really want to take a stand. Oh, Syria?

No, don't say it. I'm inviting any refugee to listen to our program. That's a nice idea. Yeah. I have bigger things to deal with, but if they're just like, if they have like 58 minutes to kill. Sure. Yeah.

They've got some time. I'd invite them to listen to our program as well. The way it works is that people are in difficult places in their lives. Just every day, folks like you and me, maybe they live in America. Maybe they're in Canada, England, Australia, and they're like, you know what? I don't really know how to handle this thing. I'm going to email, if I were you show at gmail.com, Jake or Amir will read through every question and then answer a few of them on the show.

There you go. These are questions I haven't even read yet. They're ones that you found. I found. Well, actually I pulled them from the two answer folder, so you probably are familiar with some of them. Very chill. Yeah.

Right off the bat, one that's really catching my eye is a subject in my butt. In my butt. What? What? In my butt? What? What? In my butt.

Let's go. John Moore writes. Just joking. I had a suggestion for what kind of names to use. We should, as a way to subtly plug our tour along the West Coast, we'll name everybody after a West Coast city or somebody from that city. What about the name of the comedy club? That's good.

I think Cobb's Comedy is a cool name. That's where we're going in San Francisco. Let's say Wednesday, December 2, Tickets still available for our live show in San Francisco. You can come. It's a party. We do this live. It's a very fun event.

I don't know if you live in San Francisco. We are gay-friendly. We are gay-friendly. We love the Bay area. Jokingly we will spell it BAE area because it's like where all the Bays are from. Oh, that's... And it's like a fun little thing. No, I don't partake in that.

And I love... I went to school there, so maybe if you went to Berkeley or something, or if you're actually in the city itself, we would love to see you there. Absolutely. Somebody named Cobb's Comedy writes. I've got a legit issue. I happen to fancy a good old-fashioned from the lady. In fact, sometimes the HJ is the perfect resolve after a long day of work, and she is always

willing to indulge. Recently, she has started to perhaps enhance the complimentary HJs with a little butthole teasing, no homo. But that shit really turns me up. Here's the problem. It's gonna be so riled up that I think I want her to go ahead and enter full on HJ plus butthole probe. How do I discreetly let her know to go ahead and take the teasing to the next level?

I don't really want to say up front, hey, could you go ahead and put a finger in my butthole while you're jacking me off? P.S., if you can keep this off the podcast to preserve my anonymity, but I'm the guy that should... Oh. Oh. That's the part where you weren't supposed to read. Oh.

Oh, dear. All right. I won't say that part. All right. How can a guy ask a girl? You read the sentence. Keep this part off the podcast. That's how much I'm on autopilot.

I'm just saying the words, not really understanding what they mean. So this guy wants his lady friend. What are your thoughts on hand jobs? I mean, I don't want to say anti because I'm not like, they don't excite me in any real way. Really? I mean, I like when a girl grabs my dick. Yeah.

That's dope. Yeah. To go past that point. And I understand like being in a relationship, you sort of like spice it up with these different ways, but like that never, ever got me off. Like, you know, something instead of sex never turns me on really. What about a blow, Jay? Not even that?

I would still need to fuck. Really? Yeah. I bet I can get you off with an H.J. and a blow. Well, an H.J. and a blow was... Let's just call it a blow. Why? Because what's the H.J. really, to getting me a little riled up?

I'll stroke you off. And then when I'm feeling you close, I'll put... I wonder, because even you like saying that made me so viciously ill, I'll stroke you off. Yeah. I'll beef stroke you off. I swear to God, I would show you my penis right now because it like shriveled up a little bit as you were saying that.

Wow. Yeah. And I don't think it's like a gay thing. I think it's a you thing. Yeah. Because you are gay. You just hate me. Oh, yeah.

I blew you yesterday, actually. I just don't like Oral from you. I'm still kind of excited about that kind of stuff, the H.J. and the B.J. I guess when relationships are new, that's pretty exciting. It's all just new and exciting because it's like I'm not touching myself, somebody else's, and it feels very exciting. Yeah. I think I like to be in a little bit more control.

And it's also like the other person is inherently going to be doing stuff that you wouldn't think to do because it's not you. You probably jerk off in the same way. Yeah. And you probably jerk off different than other people jerk off. And you don't know because you'll never compare what other people look like when they jerk off. Yeah.

Well, how do you jerk off? Right hand or left handed? Left. Me too. Oh, really? Yeah. I wonder why that is? If we're both predominantly right handed.

Is it because you're looking at porn on your computer? I don't think so. For what? I don't know. For whatever reason, I feel... I used to be right hand when I was in magazines when I was younger, but then when I started looking at computer porn, you want to have my dominant hand for tabbing and clicking. What about when you're eating?

Do you put your fork in your left or right? My right. You put your fork in your right. Yeah. Oh, because that was going to be my theory. Because I cut with my right, but I fork into my right. What if you're only eating something like eggs where you don't necessarily need a knife? You can write.

See, that's what I was thinking. If I'm eating a steak, it's knife right, fork left. Fork left, right. Yeah. Right, left. Left, right, left. It's almost like baseball where both hands are being used once for catching, once for throwing.

Right. But you throw with your predominant hand. So I would say we should ask more people whether they J-O with their left or right and then say, okay, when you're eating a steak. Twitter has a poll thing now, don't they? Oh, yeah. Should I poll which hand do you use to J-O? Well, you should say masturbate because women can use it too.

I don't give a shit where the hand they use. You're pro-female circumcision, like the... Yeah, pro-female circumcision. That's right. I don't want them to feel any joy during sexual intercourse. What was I going to say? Left, right. Oh, right.

Oh, okay. So you don't know how... Oh, I was going to say... You don't know how people masturbate. Yeah. So they jerked off and it was totally different than what I do. Oh, yeah. That's true because you...

You sit up, don't you? Yeah, I sit up and you lie down. That's crazy. But I wonder which one is weird. You don't know. How can you possibly know unless you go door to door? And it has to be door to door. So you place a paper towel or a napkin on your stomach.

No, I don't. But I do notice people who do that too. They lay on their back and they stroke into... As it goes up onto their stomach, I do like I'm laying on my side. That's the weirdest one ever to me. Yeah, because I feel like I'm... Do you look at porn? Yeah, I look at porn.

Sideways. So you turn your computer sideways? Sometimes. But also, I like feeling like the mattress in addition to my hand. Oh, what do you... So I'm rubbing against the mattress and my hand. I want to watch you jerk off so bad. You're like full on dry humping the mattress and like...

I mean, I'm laughing at it, but the way I jerk off is equally sad. You're at the edge of your bed sitting upright, right? Yeah, edge of my bed sitting upright. That looks like an orangutan learning how to play with himself. Yeah, like cross... Actually, I sometimes sit like completely Indian-style, like a perverted chief sitting Indian-style tugging away at his... Johnson.

And what is your right hand doing while you're jerking off? Just giving the bird to the world. Oh, really? Saying, fuck everything. That's so cool. And then it's the three finger salute. Just drenched and come, started with my forehead, and then as I separate it from my forehead, it's just a string of jizz.

It's going between tabs. It's navigating. It's making sure I'm getting off at the exact moment that I want to. So, always on a keyboard. Yeah. Well, on a keyboard, then it's also sometimes like searching for the tissues. By the way, my mom should have turned off the pot. I'm sure she did on her own.

You did it, mama. Good job. Do you ever feel a Pavlovian response when your right hand is resting on a hot keyboard? Do you feel like, oh, that's the beginning of something, or like, yeah, that is what I'm constantly feeling when I'm tugging my rod? Well, I guess my, no, I never feel like it, but no, I don't feel that. All right. That's awesome.

Yeah. Do you ever put your, this guy can almost put his finger up his butt if he likes that feeling. Yeah. So he's giving himself an HJ and then putting his finger up his butt. So I think that teasing basically means that she wants to finger your ass, too. Oh. Like, there's a reason why you tease is because you're not sure.

Yeah. I've teased plenty of assholes in my day. Right. That also sounds like you're teasing a guy for being an asshole. Which is another good thing you can do. Yeah. You can tease an asshole or you can tease your asshole. So I think that she's probably teasing your asshole because she's intrigued by it.

She's teased. Yeah. So you don't have to say like, I want you to put your finger in there, but I think you like get more and more into it. You're like, that feels good. You can be like wiggle your butt towards the finger. Wow. Yeah.

Basically what I'm saying is I think it's going to happen naturally if this thing keeps on going. You know what? And if she's teasing, if you just let out like an excited noise, then like that's sort of another positive reinforcement. Like, oh, you really like that. Right. So if you were to touch my butt hole and I'd be like, I would jump off your balcony.

That's my exciting pigeon noise. That's what I do when I like something during agency time. And then what's the sound you make when you have an orgasm? So like as it's, so this is you climaxing. Here we go. Wow. Yeah. You get laid a lot, huh?

Never. Would you say, seize the cheese, she's the tease? Oh, she sees the tease, I think. Oh, seize the tease, she's the cheese. Yeah. She is the cheese and you can seize the tease. That's really good. Or you can be the bee's knees.

Wow. Maybe you can lease some teas, like if you're renting a t-shirt. So lease the tease, seize the cheese, she's the tease. Pretty please. Oh, pretty please. Seize the tease, she's the cheese. Lots of rhymes. Oh, I didn't even realize I was rhyming.

Oh, of course you did. You wrote them all down. Under your rhyming notepad. Cool. So you can tell her that you like it. Oh, I love the way you feel my butthole, there's nowhere else I'm not a bee, and I am a man. Oh, that's good. Yeah.

Just to make it clear, it's the way you love me, because you are a male and I am a female. There's no other way to do it. This kiss, this kiss. Oh, great subject line for this next email, it's called dying turtle. Yeah, I believe this is the second question we've had about somebody worried about a pet turtle actually. Oh, really? Yeah.

I thought it was going to be about dying Lisa turtles hair, like how later on she had like this bleach, more of a bleach look. Larkvorees, that would be really cool, Larkvorees, yeah, that's right. So what's this person's name? Our next show. What's the theater in Portland? The Hawthorne Theater. The Hawthorne Theater.

Dude, I'm a big fan of Portland. We got two days in Portland. That's right. Thursday and Friday. You can come out, you can party. We made Facebook event pages for this, so if you are coming, join us on Facebook as well to let everybody know we're in there, we're chatting, we're letting people know we're having fun.

It's just a good time. So Hawthorne Theater. Hawthorne Theater. What about something Hawthorne? Turtle Hawthorne? Yeah. Turtle Hawthorne writes, love your show and figure it out, ask you for some advice on this problem I'm having.

So my roommate has this painted turtle that her ex-boyfriend bought for her as a gift. He's super cute. Anyway, she's been really sad lately because she and her ex went through a rough breakup. I think this is affecting the health of her turtle because she's been neglecting to clean and feed him. It's also getting very cold, so I'm worried that the water temperature is too low for him. I've been feeding him, so that's not the problem, but the cleaning is the real issue.

Once I cleaned the tank while she was at work, and when she noticed she got upset with me because quote, she wanted to clean her own pet. I think it's that it's her turtle to take care of, but I'm seriously worried that it's going to die because of neglect. When I say the water is green, I mean green. The turtle almost disappears because of how grody this water is. How do I help save this poor turtle without my roommate getting mad at me for it? Love Turtle Hawthorne.

This is really tough because she's doing a favor and then she's getting yelled at. I feel like she has to choose. Does she want to be nicer to a turtle or to her a human? But yeah, that's true. And I would honestly choose turtle because the friend is being an asshole. Save the turtle, kill the relationship. The turtle's done nothing to deserve this. The friend is being a dick and one, not being grateful when you're cleaning the tank.

And two, she's killing a turtle. She's killing a turtle. So I hate the idea of like, all right, fine. I'm going to take care of it. And then somebody gets mad. Like that's my responsibility. Yeah. Well, you weren't fucking doing it, right?

But it's not your turtle to kill. Well, if it's in my apartment and I don't want it, what if it's in her room? If you're sneaking into the room, then God, free Willy that shit. Take the turtle, take the turtle and free it and then buy a dead turtle somehow and somewhere. And you need to make her think the turtle was stolen by her vindictive ex, stage an elaborate, an elaborate break in and say the turtle's missing. But really, you just moved the turtle to a pond and everything's coach.

What about de-shelling a turtle, separating it, sliding the shell off of it? Would that be like undoing a Velcro shoe or is it like more attached than that? Dude, I don't. Really, you know that I'm reading Robinson Caruso, so I can go on to the Overdue podcast. The Headgun podcast, a literature headgun podcast. Yeah, where you have to, it's like a book club. It's taken me like two months to read a 200-page book. Anyway, but he eats a lot of turtles in the book and it's really disturbing.

Turtles are such lovely creatures. Maybe they're not. Maybe they're assholes and they just get a good rap because they move slowly. Those are so cute. They just look like an old man. I mean, they're not, no animals like an asshole. An animal could be an asshole. Can they be?

Yeah, of course. Like a leopard. You're an asshole. So I'll get harassed by leopards. I think snakes are assholes. They just sort of slither around and occasionally kill people. I mean, that's, I don't think that makes them assholes. They're too dumb to be assholes.

They're just like. They're beasts that exist in the wilds and they're not like inherently mean. They're just, they're just snakes. Oh, you think they're just trying to survive and in so doing. They're assholes. And it's like you step in. If you like are about to step on a snake, all it knows how to do to defend itself is to bite you.

I need you to take the cobra's side. The only asshole animal I think is a wasp. Oh, really? They don't do anything good. At least bees make honey. Yeah. Wasps just sting people for no reason. Yeah.

And they're just like, we don't even want to do the sweet honey thing either. Yeah. We're fucked up. How does honey work? Do you have any fucking clue how an insect will make honey? The honey that we eat? Right. No, of course not.

I have no idea. What would you even guess? Is it like the equivalent of semen? The equivalent of a spider web? I guess the equivalent of shit. I would guess that it's them. It's like puke. That's my guess.

Like the bees eat pollen, whatever they like make them, they spit up the honey. How little we know. It's interesting. Old enough to know. We could Google it. We could Google it, but we just never have. And we never will. And if we did, I would forget quickly.

Right. And we just have so little idea about how this shit works. Yeah. It's really sad. Is there a class that'll be like, it's called like shit you should know? There are like books like that, and I'm sure there are, but by the way, this is how, like what if I had a child? But honey doesn't matter.

Honey doesn't matter. Like if we're going to take it, if we need to learn something, I feel like it should be another language or like CPR. No. Yeah. I don't want to do that. Like what if somebody you know is just like drowning, you're like, oh wait, bees pollinate flowers by, we can't even finish the bit.

That's how little we know. Dude, I don't fucking care. Oh, so what should this guy do? Oh no, this lady. I would say no turtle is worth more than your relationship. And I would say your friend is shitty, and she's mistreating a turtle, and you clean the tank as much as you damn well please. And if she is going to be so offended that you're doing that, then maybe she'll start

cleaning the tank. Yeah. You want me not to be mad? Then clean the fucking tank yourself. There you go. That's like when football players get mad at other players for celebrating. It's like, yeah, you don't want me to celebrate? Keep me out of the end zone.

There you go. That's what she should say when she's cleaning the tank. You don't want me to clean the tank? Keep me out of the end zone. Hey, I'm sorry. I only clean it when it's dirty. Sorry. Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry. Not sorry. Oh, you mad? Because I came to the party? No, I'm mad because you're cleaning my fucking turtle. Get out of my room. You diva.

All right. Let's take a quick break. Take a few more sponsors and we'll be back. We promise we'll be back with more right after this. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation, talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult

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I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life. I'll give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up who doesn't want a website. So the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain again Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial. Everything looks good.

Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you. Squarespace. Oh, we are back, back to back. That's right. We're back to back. We these are our first recording since our live shows in Muhlenburg and Philadelphia

and Brooklyn. Dude, Muhlenburg was insane. Philly was crazy shit. New York was normal and New York was fine. These people showed up and most of them were just sort of reading a brochure. I think it was just raining that day and they had they it was six tourists that I walked off off stage in the middle and I just took a catnap. Yeah.

Yeah. And then you joined me for the big finale, but no one was there to see it. But in actuality, these were such fun shows. Thanks to everybody who came out. Thanks to everybody who laughed and yelled and cheered and booed at us and who waited in that long ass line to high five and hug. Photos surfacing all over the Internet, Twitter, Facebook. Guys, I can't stress enough how much I'm on Snapchat right now.

I am snapping up a storm. Hey, we got a hit. You got it like we're cross snapping. Yeah. All my snaps are of you and all your snaps are of me. Also of me. It's so we have that in common. All our snaps are of me.

I only take selfies. You only take me. Jake Demand 85. Amir Bloom. Yeah. That's BLWM. We're into it. We're a hundred percent into it.

So check us out on there. This is how you get the millennial audience. Did anything funny happen? We went to a gay bar after our show in Philadelphia. Oh, that was. Yeah. I keep on forgetting. Yeah.

The thing is just the way we party is like the way gay people party. Right. So like sometimes it'll be like we look up and like after an hour like wait a minute, we're at a gay dance party. Like well also because me, you and Marty just dance in a circle around each other. Right. Everywhere we go is a gay dance party. We turn every party into a gay dance party.

And sometimes other people are there also at a gay dance party. Yeah. What do we do after? Oh, after the Brooklyn show was so nice. What was that? We went to the whiskey. Yeah. Just like the old stomping grounds.

This was our cheers. Only when I walked in nobody said my name or remembered me. Joe remembered me. Yeah. She gave us shots. Yeah. That was good. That was nice.

Stop a shot. Record still standing. No. Who are you? All right. Very cool. Did anybody beat 12 yet? It wasn't a record the night you said it.

Asian tweenagers getting 146 looking at me not knowing who the fuck I am. By the way, I looked up how bees make honey. Okay. Do you want me to tell you? Sure. Bees start making honey which is their food by visiting flowers. Okay. Wait, wait, wait.

They eat honey? That's what they eat. So that's pretty interesting right off the bat. They make what they eat. That's basically like them. They make honey. Newsflash. Bees don't make honey for us.

What? I thought they work for me. The bees make honey for themselves. Yeah. No. That's our honey. Okay. Excuse me.

Oh, that's why we take it. Yeah. Do we pay bees anything? I think we pay them migrant wages. That is. So like minimum, minimum wage. Well, it's unfair. Wait.

Next thing you're going to tell me that chickens don't even lay eggs for humans. They're just doing it as part of their like reproductive process. It's crazy. According to me, all these animals have jobs. Yeah. Okay. Those jobs are to feed me. Bees start making honey, which is their food by visiting flowers.

They collect a sugary juice called nectar from the blossom by sucking it out. Nectar is a real thing, huh? With their tongues. They store it in what's called their honey stomach. What? Which is different from their food stomach. When they have a full load, they fly back to the hive. No, this is fake.

Bees have a honey stomach and it's called a honey stomach. And they make it by eating sugary liquid from a flower. And then what? According to me, the comb. Well, all right. Sorry. When they have a full load, they fly back to the hive. There they pass it on through their mouths to other work.

That's close to what I said, which is throwing it up. Yeah, that's true. They pass it on through their mouths to other worker bees who chew it for about half an hour. It's passed from bee to bee. So when we eat honey, we're just snowballing bees. That's what it is. Snowballing? What's snowballing?

Snowballing is when you come into someone's mouth and then they French kiss you. Oh my God. Yeah. Yeah, dude. So that's what we do with honey. And you know the honey comes to you. Yeah. That's blowing it.

Yeah. I promise you that. It's like then finally we eat it. That's so fucked. So anyway, it's passed from bee to bee until it gradually turned to honey. Then the bees store it and honeycomb sells, which are like tiny little jars made of wax. The honey's still a bit wet, so they fan it with their wings to dry it out and it becomes more sticky.

When it's ready, they seal the wax with a wax lid to keep it clean. What? How do they do that? Bees? They have a little factory. That is pretty cool. So every wax jar, is that part of a comb? Is that the comb?

See, this is the other podcast I wanted to start, which is two people get stoned and learn about something from the first time. Wikipedia. Yeah. That's insane. God, we're so much better now. That's Carnell's idea. We have to props to Carnell for the rabbit hole.

Okay, the rabbit hole. Yeah, that's a good podcast. If he ever quits Twinnovation, he could be a producer on this other show. Is our episode of Twinnovation going up before this episode airs? I don't know. There's a chance that we're on a Twinnovation episode, either on already or this coming up Friday. Yeah.

Check it out. It was amazing to be in the tank. Oh my God. I can't believe they call it the tank. It seems illegal. Yeah. All right. Do you want to answer a few more questions?

Yeah, let's do it. All right, here we go. This one is from a dude named Seattle. Seattle. We don't know the name of the theater. Neptune? Don't have that information. Oh yeah, Neptune.

That sounds right. Yeah, the Neptune Theater. Saturday, December 5th? Correct. That's going to be a fun show, a Saturday night in Seattle. This is the first time we're doing live podcasts in any of these cities. That's just the fact. BT Dubs.

I don't know if you want to be there for our history, but it would be nice to have you. Yeah. And don't be like, oh, come to Tacoma, because it's an hour from Seattle, motherfuckers. It is pretty fucking awesome. That's not going to happen. Yeah. So we'll see you guys in Seattle.

I'll be like, come to Spokane. Yeah. Oh, that's it. Well, that's like a four and a half hour drive. Well, if anybody from Spokane comes to the Seattle show, I will personally let you watch Blumenfeld Jerk Off. Wow. Yeah.

We should do Spokane word poetry in Seattle. That's a nice idea. So I'm going to get right into it, Seattle writes. I've been dating my current girlfriend for two months. Recently she made a friend, a new guy at her school. He likes her, but she's friend zoned him pretty hard. They hang out at her place after school. I know I have nothing to worry about.

I don't want to sound cocky, but fuck it. There's no better way to say it. I'm physically much more adequate than him. He's a tad chubby. And even though he's taller than me by like two inches physically, I'm just much more attractive. He is funny though, and I don't, uh, he is funny though, and I don't actually dislike him as a person.

I need advice on how to be less jealous and assume less. Thanks for your time. Love Seattle. Oh, Seattle. That is tough. You usually, we tell people to be less jealous, relax. Your girlfriend could be on Twitter. Relax.

Your girlfriend can go to class. Relax. Your girlfriend could talk to other guys. It's not a big deal. I think this guy should be more jealous. No, he, this guy is very jealous. This guy is, is acting a little too laissez-faire. Oh, he's a tad chubby.

Just do it already. He's funnier than me. He's funny. They're hanging out after class. This girl, this girl's getting, your girl's getting stolen, dude. You know how I know? Because I'm not necessarily tubby, but I've been the less attractive, funny guy. And that's the spot you want to be in.

No. The slightly less attractive, funny friend. I just, but I do, I, I agree with you that it's a danger that, that, that somebody's swooping on your girl is always like a little scary. Yeah. But this guy, he is very jealous. He's not saying like, He's just acting cool about it.

He's acting cool. I mean, he knows that he's two inch, the other guys, he knows the height differential, differential in inches. He's like, I also think that just even saying like, my girlfriend friend zoned him pretty hard. So don't worry. They hang out after work. Yeah.

Like that's you saying, did she friend zone him? Please tell me she did. Well, I shouldn't say that I want him to be more jealous, but I should, I should say like, listen, I think the writing's on the walls. This guy's moving in. If your girlfriend likes you more, great, it won't affect you. If your girlfriend's not into you, this is just the beginning of the year. The real problem is that like no matter what is happening, if you act jealous, then that

pushes her away. Yeah. You're, you're sort of fucked either way. You can either not care and let it happen or you could care and it'll happen faster. So I think what I would do in this sitch, you age, is cheat on your girlfriend now. Huh? That way. With the guy.

Exactly. That way when she's like, oh, I fucked up. I made out with this guy. He'd be like, yeah, so did I. I also did it. Made out with that guy. Yeah. And he's a tad chubby for me.

Yeah. He's a little chubby. He is two inches taller and funnier. It's so tough. Yeah. I don't know what I would do. I think I would, I would just care less and less and less. I think, but it's so impossible to not care that like a guy is constantly trying to be

with your girl. Yeah. But what can you do? May, I guess like, all you can say is I know it sounds weird and I don't want to be jealous and I don't want to be the angry guy, but it does kind of make me a little uncomfortable that you're constantly hanging out with chubby, funny McGee. Right? No, that's true.

I, I, I agree. And then see how she, she can either go two ways. She could be like, the fuck are you talking about? Don't be such an asshole. Leave me alone. I don't like that. Or she could be like, yeah, I understand. I probably shouldn't.

I mean, I don't want to make you uncomfortable. Jealousy is a very weird thing where like sometimes it's too much and sometimes it's not enough. Oh, like there's a totally a world where she's going over to this guy's house and she's like, why don't you care? Like you should be jealous. You should be angry. You should be protective. And then there's a world where it's like, I'm just hanging out with this guy.

Why are you being so overbearing? So really, you can't say like, I'm angry or you shouldn't be doing this. All you can ever say is like, I, this makes me nervous. And that's what the real thing is happening. Right? Like you're not mad. You're scared and you're sad. There's a song, the Nick Jonas song, jealous.

And I think it, it perfectly encapsulates what's all, all that's wrong. Like this, I dislike this song just musically because I don't like it as a pop song. But the lyrics are so bad, like it really sets back, it like makes it cool to be an asshole. Right. It sets back the movement. Yeah. The movement of guys.

So let me just read some of this, these lines to you. Just cause like, I was listening and I'm like, oh my God, this is awful. Like I fucking hate you. I can't believe you're writing a song about this, being proud about, this is what he's saying. Like the way he's looking at you, I'm starting to think you want him to, am I crazy? Have I lost you? Even though I know you love me, I can't help it.

I turned my chin music up and I'm puffing my chest. I'm getting red in the face. You can call me obsessed. It's not your fault that they hover and I mean no disrespect, but it's my right to be hellish. I'll still get jealous. So he's saying, this guy is just looking at a girl and what it causes him to do is puff his chest, get red in the face, turns into the hole, call him obsessed and then he has

a right to be literally hellish. He wouldn't like me when I'm jealous. He wants to turn this girl's world into hell. The worst thing it could be because somebody's looking at her. Right. Well, that's an, yeah, that's absurd. But that's what you don't want to do. Right.

And that's one end of the spectrum and the other is you doing nothing. I think you're right to say something, just a little something like, but it's not your right to be hellish. No, it's not your right to be hellish. And this comes back to the expectation things, right? Like you can't say, don't hang out with him anymore. That's a real bad move. All you can say is this is what you're doing.

You can keep on doing it for as long as you want, but this is the way it makes me feel. This is why I'm hot. And sometimes down the road, it might make me feel so much this way that I won't like this relationship anymore. What are your thoughts on that? Sure. And then she says, oh yeah, no big deal. I don't have to see that guy.

Or I think the weird thing is once you bring it up, like, does she fight to see some friend? Then you're, then like, oh, well, that must mean you guys aren't friends. Yeah. Then it's your right to be completely hellish. This verse, you're too sexy, beautiful, and everybody wants a taste. That's why I still get jealous. I wish you didn't have to post it out. I wish you'd save a little bit for me.

Protective or possessive? Yeah. Call it passive or aggressive. It's the opposite of passive. It is protective, possessive, and aggressive. Also he's like, the first verse, he says, it's not your fault, you're pretty. And the second verse, he's basically saying it's your fault, you're pretty. Yeah.

Oh my God. That, I mean, how did that pass? Like, Nick Jonas doesn't write his own lyrics and like go out and put like, executives looked at that. Yeah. We like these lyrics. They send a good message. So like you'll be.

This one's for the masses now. It'll be like you're dating a hot girl, somebody looks at her and you get angry, possessive, aggressive, puff your chest and hellish. Yeah. You don't deserve to get pussy anymore, Jonas. Like, Jonas. You know what? Who's he going?

I'm going to fuck his girlfriend. Wow. How's that for fair? Who's he dating? I don't know. Nick Jonas girlfriend. Oh, it's Mother Teresa. Really?

Actually it's Olivia Culpo. Do you know who that is? No. How many Twitter followers does she have? Oh, forget about it, dude. So many. Really? It's a lot.

Olivia Culpo. This is like the opposite of how, oh, she is an American actress model, has a million Instagram followers, and she won Miss USA 2012. Representing her home state of, I'll give you three guesses. I got an in if it's Connecticut. No. First, okay. Then Nebraska.

No, I'm telling you, you're very close with Connecticut. Really? Yeah. New York. Rhode Island. Rhode Island. There it is. Miss Rhode Island.

Miss USA. Oh, wow. And she was also Miss Universe. And she's got a bad boyfriend. So she doesn't have it all going for her folks. Yeah. How could she go out with the guys like, all right, it's his right to be hellish. So here we go.

Nick Jonas, everybody. If someone looks at you, I will be mad at you. All right. Here we go. It is your fault. I wish you saved a little just for me. God damn it. Nick Jonas is the man, dude.

I love that. You want to answer one last question? Yeah, let's do it because we have one more city. My city is Vancouver and all I care about is Vancouver and the city where they're from. Nice. Dude, thanks. Our show in Vancouver is Sunday, December 6th. It is outselling every other show.

The theater is nearly 1,100 seats and we're getting close to selling it out. I would be really happy to have that out of work. We need that right now. We're big. We're big in America, but we're bigger in Canada for whatever reason. Ready to move, dude. Just pulled it. If we sell out, I think it's fair to say, well, at the very least, it spends spring in

British Columbia. I mean, at the very least, we're going to come to Canada more and more because all of our shows in Canada have been great. At a certain point, we're just going to have to be Canadians. I'm down. Oh, yeah. I would marry a Canadian. How do you get Canadian citizenship?

It's another question we can solve on yet another podcast. All right, Vancouver writes, I'm in a prisoner's dilemma of sorts. So last year in my university biology class, we were all given a brand spake in new iPad to take notes with during the semester. It was pretty ace because we actually got to draw mitochondria and shit on an iPad all fine and dandy until the final day of class. We were supposed to return this piece of junk after we finished our final exam, but I needed it for a few more days because I had had my notes on it for another class.

So I kept it totally allowed. I could just turn it in in a few days later. After I was done using it to study, I emailed my professor asking how to give the iPad back, but he never replied. So I plead the fifth like a fucking hero. This was 11 months ago. The iPad, is this iPad as good as mine? Jake, does your dad know anything about squatters rights?

Or should I try to give the iPad back to the university? Or should I sell it and make a bad amount of cash off this little scheme? Hope to hear from you, Vancouver. This is, yeah, what do you do? This is the moral gray area that separates assholes from nice people. Plead the fifth like a fucking hero. What hero ever just stood up and didn't say anything. Alexander Hamilton.

Silence in the court. This is, I feel like this is what separates assholes from nice guys. Nice guys do the right thing, even though they won't get caught. Remember the little boys, big boys and men? Oh yeah, what is it? It was little boys do the right thing because people tell them to. Big boys don't follow the rules because they don't have to. And men do the right thing even when they're not asked.

Because they want to. So which one are you? I think you can get away with it. And the question is, who are you hurting? Maybe not necessarily anybody. Or maybe that's, maybe you're hurting somebody in the next class who's not going to get an iPad now. No, it won't be that.

Maybe it goes on and they're not going to use iPads in the future because one of the students stole an iPad so you know what, nobody else gets to drop it. Oh, that's true. You don't want to be like the guy that ruined it for everybody else. But if it's really just stealing from a college, you know what they steal from you? No. The college is a bit, it's a corporation. Oh my God.

There's no difference between the University of Michigan and Coca-Cola. Let me tell you what. They are both fucking us. How's that? Enron? No. University of Enron. And I'm not going to matriculate, graduate or masturbate.

At the very least you should not sell the iPad because they might hit you up at any moment and ask for it. And you should have it ready to get back. I think selling is the worst because then you're literally profiting off a theft. It's a pretty old iPad. Why don't you just give it back? I would give it back. It's the right thing to do.

And then, yeah, I mean it is the quote unquote right thing to do. How often does anybody use their iPad too? Yeah. Do you really need an iPad? I got a phone. Isn't that just as good as an iPad? Yeah. You're good.

If you have a phone and a computer, I don't think you need an iPad. What does the iPad do? We don't need the every, it's like the watch, the phone, the computer and the iPad. I want all the screens. I want some to be touchable, some to be slightly bigger and like the 6s, sorry, the 6 plus, it's just a little smaller than these iPad mini. We sound like people that use androids. No, no, we use them.

Yeah, I have three of those four things. But yeah, just give it back. Then you could be a nice guy. Yeah, I think you can. Although, is it still nice if I'm telling him to and he does it because of me? Part of him wants to, I think. That's why he emailed. He needed the guidance.

Then he called himself a hero for stealing it. He called himself a hero for not following up. What's the most illegal thing you've ever done? Oh, drugs? Drugs. Speeding. I don't think I've ever stolen anything. Yeah, not that I can remember.

I've never stolen anything. Maybe lying about hours on an old, like a... Oh yeah, I've cheated on tests. Oh, I've definitely cheated on tests. When I used to work hourly, I would put an extra hour here or there. If I did something that was extra annoying, it'd be like, that was an hour of work. I know, my vehicular manslaughter. Oh, you killed that couple.

I killed a couple. That's right. It was late. Aggravated vehicular manslaughter. Yeah, because I backed up and hit them again. Right, because he called you. He said, watch where you're going. Watch where you're going.

Maniac. Maniac. Maniac. You're a fucking maniac. Motherfucker. But I did serve my time. Did I say mostly legal thing I've gotten away with or just mostly legal thing? Oh yeah, it got in the way with.

Maybe I once tore a person's book in half in elementary school. Really? Did you really do that? Yeah. We were visiting another class and there was a book in the cubby underneath the desk and I was ripping it. I don't know why. I guess it's this weird joke.

I don't think that's illegal, by the way. To ruin property? I guess it's like, what's the difference between illegal and just like a no-no? A legal and a no-no. This is me after killing that couple in the courtroom. Your Honor, what's the difference between a legal and a no-no? I feel like this was just. Do you like why I commit a no-no?

A no-no? Yes, he did. Yes, yes. But was his no-no illegal? No, no. It was not. Maybe, maybe. No, no.

What's that? That is for you to decide. Decide. The jury was a panel of 12, 12-year-olds and they were just like, oh yeah, I can see that. Sure. They let me off. Scott Free, Scotch Free.

That's another thing we can look up in another episode of the podcast. Guys, thank you so much for listening to the show now and forever. If you have your own questions, your own theme song submissions, everything could be sent to IfIWereYouShow at gmail.com. The opening theme song was written by our boy Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan. And this closing one is Jordan from New Zealand with a Jack Johnson cover for The Wind. It's about time. It's as simple as something that nobody knows that it is, it is, it is, it is, it is, it

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