If I Were You - 19: Roller Coaster Of Love

Episode Date: September 9, 2013

In this episode we discuss motion sickness, booty calls, and anal sex. (Not in that order.)This episode is brought to you by WarbyParker.com -- prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses for less than $150! Use coupon code "Jake" for free expedited shipping.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Oh, the earth is caving in, and it's time to sink or swim, Jake and Amir for the wind, time for the podcast to begin. Rose is red and violet's blue, advice I'm sending hot to you. There's no telling what we do if you or me and Ty were you. If I were you, if I were you. There's no telling what we do if you or me and Ty were you. Pretty chill. Very chill.

Almost too chill. In fact, let's go. You'll eat it. Wait, why? It's our. Start over. Start the podcast over. No.

All right. Fair enough. I realize you're not the boss. You are not the boss of me. Jesse Friesen is the guy who wrote that song. Jesse Friesen, you are a chill dude. We are Jake and Amir. We're very comfortable in this episode because we're not recording in my apartment.

We are coming to you from Amir's wet dream of a recording studio. Just drenched in semen. That's why there's no a reverb or echo. Amir's wet dream in my nightmare. I'm in a room covered in Amir's semen. That's why it's so beautifully soft and perfectly recorded. We're actually recording from a recording studio, if you can imagine. There are places that are built to record, not just my living room.

When he's covered it with towels. And this one's called Rec Room Records. Two very nice dudes led us in here, brought us to this room that's basically like you described my wet dream of a recording studio. Yes. Incredibly warm colored, cold and comfortable, dark-ish, dim-ish, very lots of, God, what do you call these like giant rectangles that are soft on the walls? Audio absorption pads.

Yeah, absorption pads. Is what I just invented. Instead of just me hanging up towels on a television. And this place is so great. So thank you so much to Rec Room Records for having us. For whatever reason, they decided that they'd want to let us record here whenever we want. So I feel like we're going to take advantage of that. I think we're just going to come.

I think we're going to make them regret it. I think we are going to make them regret it. Thanks guys, time to hate us. They want us to mention their URL or their Twitter account, but I don't need to do that. Yes, you do. I don't need to do anything. What are you talking about? We're already here.

They can kick us out in any second. Please don't. The door comes in. No, no, no. Get off me. I'll say it. Rec Room is with a W. That's the pun. So it's W-R-E-C-K-R-O-O-M dot TV.

And it's actually a recording studio run by Adrian Grenier. Yes, he's an actor, you guys. I think you've heard of him. I don't know if you've ever heard of the entourage, but he's on it. So thanks so much for letting us in here, guys. It sounds great. I'm so excited to hear that. I don't even care if this episode is funny or not.

Yeah, at this point, we're on the 20-minute mark and you haven't even opened your email for a question. Oh, no, I didn't bring emails. Yeah, we're just here. Yeah, this is just an audio experience more than anything else. Yes. They also said they'd edit this episode for us. They'll level the audio for us.

I wonder if they'll edit out that part where you called Adrian Grenier's show on Teruge. He'll never listen to it. He's got bigger fish to fry. I mean, they make actual songs here. We basically are like kids who snuck into their daddy's recording studio to make our little radio show. A half an hour in between their actual work. Little do they know we're going to come here every day for the next year and a half to

record an episode, whether they like it or not. At a certain point, the door's going to be locked probably next time we try to come. As long as I'm on the inside when they lock it, I'm not going anywhere. I'll die here. I will gladly be buried here. Let them carry my carcass out. Right, so the show is If I Are You. It's the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by us.

I'm Jake. And I'm Amir. And if you guys don't know how it works, you get into sticky situations. You email us your questions, your conundrums, your problems, and we will do our best to answer your questions, give you life advice. It might not be good, but it'll hopefully be funny. And that's pretty much it. The email that you email is IfIWereYouShow at gmail.com.

Good work. Thanks, pal. Jeez. Appreciate that. I guess I even needed, I guess. Yeah, I guess you weren't. Here, take my phone, read the emails. Okay.

Have fucking fun without me. I will, actually. Are you expecting this to be contentious about this at some point? Do you want me to try to win you back? Because I won't. Also, if you've never listened to an episode before, usually the first five minutes are not just us gushing over a sweet room. Right, because usually we're recording in hell.

It's Amir's hot apartment. The AC has turned off. We're sitting on hard chairs hunched over a table speaking directly into mics. Right now, I'm sitting on a chair made of mahogany with leather accents sipping from, I guess this is a rock's glass. A glass that you would drink scotch out of, serving very clean, fresh, not room temperature, but not too cold water. We really have to start the podcast.

We really do. No, I'm not even close with it. I'm having the water glasses. You started it, I think. I know. I'm talking to myself. All right. All right.

All right. First question. We're going to read these emails. These are real emails from real people, but we're giving them fake names to preserve their anonymity. There we go. That's right. So first email we received this week, or at least the first one we're reading, is from

someone I'll call Brandon. Brandon. Brandon writes, well, well, well. Jake and Amir finally are on a podcast. Here's my question. Sorry. I shouldn't have read that part. Okay.

Here's the real question. This girl. Actually, that's the whole thing. I really should have screened these. A lot of them are just people telling us we have a podcast. We already knew that. You guys already knew that. You're listening.

All right. Okay. Brandon writes, this girl I've liked for a long time finally invited me on a date. So I obviously said yes, but it's to an amusement park and all three times in my life that I've been to an amusement park, I've thrown up on at least one of the rides. I don't want to puke in front of her and ruin my chances, but I also don't want to seem like a pussy for not going on the rides. Help.

I love that he's had at least one of the rides. So you've been to amusement parks, thrown up on a ride, gone on another ride and thrown up again. It's called the boot and rally. That's the name of the ride. All right. I did the merry-go-round, yarfed, and now I'm going to do this loop-to-loop thing. I hope I don't spew again.

There I go, and I just did this teacup ride. Can I make it a hat trick? Here we go. Three for three. One time. Elevator of terror. If you need me, I'm going to be drinking clam chowder out of a red bowl. I'm actually, I very much resonate with this question because I've been to an amusement

park before and I'm very susceptible to motion sickness and I was with a girl and she's like, come on. It's not that big of a deal. I'm like, I really will not feel good after it. She's like, come on. Just do it. I'm like, I will do it and I will be sick. She's like, all right, great.

That'll mean a lot to me. I did it. I was sick. I did vomit. You vomited? Did you vomit on the ride? No, I didn't vomit on the ride, but it was just like, I don't understand the joy of rides that just make you dizzy.

That's not fun. It's not just a, I mean, well, what ride did you go on? It was a ride that was basically like a horizontal ferris wheel, but then in addition to that, your little pod is going around. So you're going around and around as you're going around and around, if that makes sense. So like, I basically, it was torture. I basically felt like I was going to puke and then it just got sped up and up and up. Well, that's a very-

I closed my eyes and it only helped a little bit and then to the rest of the night- That's a pretty dangerous ride if you're susceptible to motion sickness. Exactly. I think there are definitely roller coasters that are not nearly as bad as that or like Brandon could go on a roller coaster that might just do like one loop and mostly it's just fast or like a log flume where you just get wet and you know what's going to vomit there. There are games there.

Yeah. You just go to the amusement park. Do the water park. Do the water one. The water? Oh. Like in most amusement parks, amusement parks have like a water thing. Right.

So you're saying let's say yes to the date, go to the amusement park and then just decide to play the game. Well, try to steer it in a way that is not going to make you sick. If she's saying go in this loop-dee-loop-dee-loop-dee-loop, then you got to be like, hey, let's try this one. Or I mean- Let's do the one where I just throw a ball at milk bottles. He still throws up some out.

Oh, they're going to be sick. Oh, missed all the bottles. Wow. The milk landed on my throat, I think. I think I just don't like amusement parks. I think I'm just allergic to the breakfast I eat every morning or some shit. No, that's another thing. You could just not eat.

Then maybe you'll at least dry-heave instead of- But it just ruins it. Like once you're sick, once you're motion sick, like you're out for whatever, however long it lasts. Oh, I don't get motion sickness. I don't see sickness. You never get seasick? No.

I got sea legs, actually. I really do. Yeah, you have very skinny- I'm sort of a beast in that regard. You're a beast in many regards, I think. Yeah, I got those skinny little sea legs. I got like two peg legs, basically. You're a beast in that you have skinny legs.

I'm a beast in that regard. You're skinny, pale, spindly little legs. That's how you're a beast. Yeah, because I know that motion sickness or seasickness. So I guess my pale, skinny legs make me a bit of a beast in that regard. Another way I'm a beast is that I read books in a car, so that's another way that I'm a beast, I guess. I can read a magazine or a book in a car.

I can't do that. I wonder what it is. It must be a genetic thing. Yeah, I guess my genes sort of make me a beast. What's the- My parents were two beasts, if you can believe it. So you have good eyesight, which is another thing that's not nerdy. You don't get seasickness.

I get motion sickness. Do you have any nerdy ailments? Do you have nosebleeds, ear infections? What's your nerdiest problem? I guess when I was in high school, I had acne. Pretty bad acne? No. I had one golf ball-sized it once, and it popped in my skull.

I think my skinny legs are a nerdy ailment. You know, I'm trying to play them up right now, but they don't make me cool. But skinny genes are kind of cool. You can be cool. I guess. But you don't have anything. I guess what else would be nerdy about you? Oh, it's not really an ailment, but you're really into Lord of the Rings.

That's true. I love Lord of the Rings. Shamelessly. That's a nerdy thing, but it's not really a genetic- What's nerdy about Aragorn? Huh? It's fucking an elf. Yeah.

I don't think there's anything nerdy about that. I guess I do. Aragorn boned Darwin, and I think that's pretty pimp, actually. He had great eyesight. So what would you tell? I would tell this guy, I don't know, I mean, I feel his pain. I don't know, like, does he say yes and then embarrass himself at the place? I mean, yeah, I feel like you're the one that's way more qualified to answer this question,

because I don't get emotional sickness. I would say yes, and then go on the rides that are non-dizzying, because, like, I mean, I'm afraid of roller coasters in general. That's a whole different set of problems that I have. You're afraid of roller coaster? Yeah. Like, I will not. Ah, you loser.

What? You'll do any roller coaster? Yeah. There's no roller coaster that would be too scary for you. No. What about the one at the top of the stratosphere, which is, like, the largest building in Vegas, and it's just, like, this log that, like, dips over the edge, and then you go backwards over the edge?

I could imagine being nervous, but I wouldn't not do it. You would not do it. What about, like, a giant, like, 700-foot drop? Yeah, that's fine. It just lifts you up and drops you. Right, fine. That's fine. Yeah.

Okay, cool. So I guess I'm the asshole. I guess you are, pal. Uh, yeah. You could always go on the date and then, like, day of, be like, hey, I'm actually, like, I feel kind of sick. I, like, really want to be here with you, but, like, I might not ride all the rides. Like, oh, I had a really late night last night.

That makes you sort of cool, like, ah, even though I knew we had this date, I got fucked off yesterday. I'm also, like, scared to shit and drops and loops or whatever. So I say, I say go for it, suck it up, and don't do the dizzy rides. You're saying, not even suck it up, and don't do the dizzy rides. You're saying, suck it up, and not do something. All right, suck it up, man up, don't have to do the rides, you're afraid of. All right, you be a man, do it, whoo, don't do the rides that you don't want to go on.

Here we go. That it. Just man up and don't do the scary ones, buddy. Man up and tell that girl, hey, if it's a pretty big drop, say you're too scaredy to do it, and she has to respect that. She'll friend you. She'll have to. She'll have to respect the honesty.

Oh, God. I'm a nerd and a loser for that. That question didn't turn out the way I wanted it to be. I guess it's better than me advocating, uh, uh, just destroying. Just destroying a humane society. Oh yeah, that was the other one. Oh, by the way, you guys, I mean it, by this point, the humane society episode air two weeks ago, right?

But I learned more about humane societies, too. And they don't just rescue birds that, uh, and squirrels. No, they're involved in animal cruelty in general, like, there's like a wildfire, like a lot of injured animals, like they can, humane society steps in. Crazier than that. My statement about whether or not they're a drain on society still stands, now that I know that. You're absolute asshole.

All right. Second question. Second question. Number two. Let's do this. This one comes from Steve Sanders. Hi, Steve. Steve Sanders writes, I got 99 problems and they're all bitches.

It's a funny way to start the email. It's a kid-cutty lyric. Oh, really? Yeah. Okay. So never mind. I take back my laughter. Got 99 problems and they all bitches.

That's funny. He's a funny rapper, I think, then. All right. There's two girls that work at the gym I go to. Let's call girl A, Abby, and girl B, Brittany. I want to ask out Brittany, but I think Abby likes me. I've tried talking to both of them before, but I feel awkward trying to ask out Brittany in front of Abby.

How should I ask out Brittany? Should I wait and hope that I see Brittany when Abby isn't working? Should I go for it and ask Brittany anyway? Should I flirt with Abby, making Brittany a little jealous before I make the move on her, or should I throw a Hail Mary and try to get a threesome? Sincerely, Steve Sanders. And thank you, Steve, for giving us a multiple-choice answer. It's like the SATs of podcasts over here.

Hey pals, I don't trust you to give advice, so I'm going to give you the four options. Would you say those are his four options? I don't know. Part of me wants to make fun of him for being such a douchebag. It's like, oh, two girls at the gym. I can have either one. Which one do I do? How do I play this?

But I think I've also been there. Yeah, this seems like a problem you've had, where you have a crush on a girl, but her friend has a crush on you, so you're like, uh-oh, this one girl is sort of blocking my cock. Right. Yes, I would hate to have my cock blocked. Yeah, at the very least, my cock needs to be rocked. Yes, I'm shocked.

Not blocked. I'm shocked that my cocked hasn't been rocked. It's been cocked blocked. If you can believe that. This is exactly the opposite of what I Xboxed it. Exactly. I think, I guess those are all pretty viable ways to play it, aside from the obvious joke, which is the Hail Mary threesome, no.

Right. So we can eliminate D. Eliminate D. This is like how you would take the SATs. You sort of eliminate your answer choices and make the best guess. I think the other three are all viable options, depending on the moment. I guess I wouldn't do option C, which is flirt with Abby and making Brittany jealous. No, I would do that.

You would do that. I would do that. You would flirt with a girl that likes you. I would flirt with a girl that likes me in order to make somebody else jealous, but also because I like flirting and like a flirtation would probably be mutually enjoyable for Steve and Abby. Oh, I see. So that's like a fun thing.

And it's got these added benefits of making Brittany jealous. Brittany a little jealous. So how do you flirt with one girl and then ask out another? So I want to go back to the fact that you vomit on rollercoaster. So you were the authority on motion sickness at the amusement park. And then when there was two hot girls at a gym question, you deferred to me, right? We've never done a recap. Is everybody that's listening in your car right now or at work?

Turn it up a little bit. Let's hear Amir admit that he's a fucking grade A loser. No, no, no. This is good. I want everyone to know. I'm happy we're finally having this conversation. Mom actually turned it up this time. I know I ask you to turn it down always, but I really think this is an intervention.

Mom, stop washing the dish. Mom, I touched the net. Mom, I washed the dish. This is the best dish of my life. So I think the only thing I wouldn't do is ask out Brittany right in front of Abby. I feel like that's like a little, it's a little rude. It's a D move. Yeah, it's me.

It's mean. It's a mean move. Right. But what if Brittany says no, then do you move on to Abby or like you only got one shot? Do not miss your chance to blow. I guess I don't know. It depends how close Abby and Brittany are, but I think you could probably ask Brittany out, be rejected.

And if you're still interested in Abby, like you still want to have a date, then yeah, you could totally do that. Have you ever been in the situation asked out Brittany and she's like, I can't. Abby really has a crush on you. And then you're like, wait a minute, that doesn't mean that you can't date me just because your friend likes me. Yes, I've been in that situation. And do the people, do the ladies usually side with their friend or side with you?

I don't know. When there's sort of like a dramatic situation like that, it's everybody sort of like feeds into the drama because it's like sort of exciting. So like if a friend likes me, I've definitely used that to like get with a prettier friend where they're like, oh no, so-and-so likes you. Like, yeah, I know and I don't want to hurt her. Maybe you shouldn't even tell her that we're talking. And then like, ah, shit.

Mom, turn it back down. So you turn it into like a game to excite the lady that you're trying to court. And it usually helps, works. I think if you have a crush on a girl, would you prefer that her friend has a crush on you? Yes. Oh, so that's better. Yeah, yeah.

Cause like a girl has a crush on you. Then like to her friends, you're like, oh, this is a desirable guy. Like I show up somewhere where like some girl is like presumably been like, oh, Jake's going to come. He's really cute. I really like him. And then I come and somebody's looking at me through the lens of Jake's a cute guy. I'm supposed to like him.

And then suddenly they like me. What's up? All right. All right. All right. I'm sorry, mama. All right. So your advice is to was it, I think it was a myth.

It was either a, what was a, what was option a weight and hope that I see Brittany when Abby isn't working. Yeah. A or C. You flirt with Abby and then make Brittany a little jealous. And then when Abby's not there, ask out Brittany. I think that's the move. That's the move.

And I, you know what? I totally agree. For sure. I really do. I really think that's the move. I've never been in a situation where two girls are next to you. Not two girls. Not even two friends.

Just two girls at the same time. And your mom definitely counts as one. Have you ever had your mom and a girl like you at the same goddamn time? No, of course you haven't. And I know that because you haven't shut up about it. Here he goes. He's vomiting. He's rocking back and forth in his chair a little too much and now he's puking.

I would never feel motion sick in this room. This is my safe space. Amir is in his happy place. This is such a solid safe basement. Are we in like the half hour area right now? We are around the 20 minute mark. How sad are you for this episode to be over? This is going to be our first four hour episode actually.

The guys who are helping us out like have to like go to dinner. They're just going to leave and come back. Brian and Michael are their names. Brian, Michael, thank you. At rec room, rec room dot TV or Twitter at rec room. Check them out. Please check them out. Um, should we move on to question number Trey?

Right. Support them and maybe we can come back into the studio more. Yeah, maybe they'll let us back in. I am shitting myself so I feel like that's going to be a huge no-no that- Right, but you shit yourself when you walked in too. Yes. I mean, they certainly knew- I can't believe how much you have in you at any given time.

It's really impressive almost. In you, out of you, on its way, out of you. Like I know you don't eat this much food so I don't know. Trippy faucet. Oh God. Sorry. It's like a burrito. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place and it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area. But BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist. And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge.

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Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. All right. Number three, this one comes from David Silver. David Silver, three guys in a row. I think the next one is going to be a lady. All right. Cool.

Ladies, please email us more. Yeah. We're tired of choosing guy questions or at least anything against y'all. Our volume is primarily dudes. Right. Or at least ask questions that make you so dumb sounding that we can make fun of you. All the female questions are very logical and smart. We're like, yeah, I know.

I guess we can answer this, but where's the fun? All right. Love the show brings me loads of happiness to my workplace, writes David. You know what else would bring me happiness if I had a good way to ask my girlfriend to swallow. She'll usually combat it with, would you want to taste it? And hey, I don't. But I don't think, but I think it'd be kind of hot to try.

Also, if you can get behind that, let's talk about getting behind my girlfriend. Do you two push for anal sex or ask for it? It's something that I think could be fun to try, but working it into a conversation doesn't revolve around an argument that appears to be blacker than the cherry I'm trying to pop. Thanks. I love this guy. It reads like amateur stand up almost.

Now, do you have any couple to get behind? Speaking of getting behind. Yeah. You were speaking of getting behind. Don't throw us into this. Ass. Oh man. So he wants his girlfriend to swallow his semen and then also for him to be able to have

anal sex. So he just wants to be a little. Welcome to every guy's, this is every guy's problem. Why is that, this is the dirtiest thing we've talked about, but why is it good? Why is it hot or attractive for a woman to swallow? I don't. Because it's the same for you. Right.

You're ejaculating. You're ejaculating. But then what do you care if she swallows? Well, sometimes a girl will like, if you say I'm coming, she'll like move her head away. Right. And I'm sorry, I'm a pig, but that's the worst. That's worse than genocide.

I think. Oh my God. Yeah. I could not agree with you more actually if you can believe that. But I guess like having it in your mouth and spitting it out, I personally think that's fine. I don't know why he wants her to swallow. Okay.

But it's her argument. Would you want to taste it? I think she doesn't even want it in her mouth. Right. Well, it's true. I mean, but at the same time, girls do stuff to guys and guys do stuff to girls that they wouldn't necessarily want to do. That's sort of like.

What guys do to girls they wouldn't necessarily want to do. Like for example, oral sex on a lady, maybe a lady wouldn't want to do that to another lady. Right. But what guy doesn't want to go down on a girl? No, but he's like, would you want to taste it? And then it's like, no, I don't want to taste it, but maybe girls want to taste it. Oh, right.

I see. You were saying you didn't like oral sex. No, no. Some guys, some stuff turns guys on that girls didn't want to do. So you like oral sex? Totally. Are you kidding me? Or oral sex and roller coasters?

I really just want you to talk about sex on the podcast. I know you have it. I know you have sex, but somehow I'm always the one that talks about sex. And it's weird because your family listens to the show more than my family does. Tell you what, pal. I'm not, I'm going to take, I'm going to, I'm going to sit this one out. This room suddenly got much more uncomfortable. All right.

Anal sex. Here's something I could talk about comfortably. Never had it not interested in it. Oh my God. Come on. Got to jump in here. I don't, it doesn't, doesn't appeal to me. Anal sex.

Nothing. You're never even curious? No. I just assume it feels like a tighter vagina, but it's, you know what it is, it's too dirty for me because that's where poop comes out of. All right. I mean, poop doesn't just, it's not like it's always, it's not like your butt where poop's always coming out of.

Well, I mean. It's not always coated with feces. Yeah. The inside is probably always coated with feces. No, I don't think poop looks like that. Yeah. Imagine shitting, imagine shitting through a tube, then you wipe the outside of the tube. What do you think's on the inside of the tube?

I think, I don't. I think there's shit on the inside, unless you're getting a freaking colostomy. And maybe there is a little bit, but you'll wash it off. You get shit on, you have shit on your butt when you wipe. Unless you use a bidet so strong, the water goes up into your rectum. There's going to be shit on the inside of your pulse. It's part of our life. Like you probably, if a girl was on her period, you wouldn't want to have sex with her, right?

I guess that's more appealing to me than poop. Blood is better than poop. Blood is, I've always said that. Seize the cheese. Blood is better than poop. Just our average listener age is around eight to nine years old. Oh God. Mortified.

I think I can understand your girl for where she's coming from about not wanting to have anal sex because I heard that that can be painful. Yeah. It's a tighter, it's a square peg into a round hole. There are like, I mean, there are definitely, there are like things you can read and you know, tips, helpful tips for making anal sex less, less painful. But I think having anal sex is something you should not pressure your girlfriend into because the more you push for it, the less she's going to want to do it.

I think what you got to do is, it's in her mind, just, you know, like, this is something that I really want. Now put it in her butt. It's in her mind, now put it in her butt. If she knows you want it, like say like, oh, this is all I want for my birthday, this is all I want for Christmas. Even if it's like, even if it's joking, I remember, I used to, there was a girlfriend far in my past that I would do, I like made these jokes all the time, but like, you know,

it was playful and funny, but everybody knows that that's like, you know, there is like a deep-seated truth there. And then, you know, when it's like, when somebody's, it happens, they feel in the mood. They're like, it's in their mind, even though they think they don't want to, then something's happening and like, they change their mind a little bit and they're down to try. I think you got to, it's a slow play. It's a slow play. You can find someone who specifically likes anal sex, that way you don't have to convince

anyone. But he doesn't even know that he likes anal sex. He just wants to try it. Yeah, that's true. Have you tried using another human's butthole just to see what it feels like, perhaps another guy's butthole? Tell your girlfriend you're going to go visit a male prostitute just so you can experience anal, say it's nothing against you, I respect your decision, I do want my penis in her butt,

so I'm going to go on that adventure and I will come back to you, a changed man, all for the worst. A hundred percent worse. Nothing about me will be better than that. Oh God, oh, I hope we can help. I know I feel uncomfortable. This guy all he wants is a girl to swallow his load into effort in the butt. Is that too much to ask?

That's a birthday gift. I think it actually might be. I think it's too much to ask for you to, you want to fuck your girlfriend in the ass and then make her swallow your cum, you debauchery filthy jerk, you watch too much porn. She's going to get sick, I know it, I know vomit, that's going to make her vomit. That's my wheelhouse. Have you talked about how comfortable I am right now? Yeah.

Yeah. Okay, good. This would be the time that we do a little breaky break. But I'm so relaxed in this room, I don't even freaking need it, let's take our break and just plug RecRoom.tv, one more time, you guys please at least visit the site, at least visit the site because we're so happy to be here. Yeah, I feel like if you could visit two sites right now, it would be RecRoom.tv and Warby Parker.com.

Or no, SeizeTheCheese.com for the next week is going to forward to RecRoom.tv. We could do that. How's that? We could do that. Go to SeizeTheCheese.com, you're going to go to RecRoom.tv, all right? I don't know how domain forwarding works, but I'll tell you what, by the way, I don't know. My nerdy little partner who's never had anal sex and pukes on a fucking merry-go-round,

he's going to do it. I feel like you can figure that. I really think that, yeah, I feel like you can figure that to that. You went on the spitty little tea cups and you almost puked, what nut in a girl's face last week, all right? So I think you know how to forward a domain. I'm being bullied. Hey, Dringren Yacht.

Help me, sir. Just get me out of this room. I assure you, I know how to pronounce Entourage. That was a joke. Oh, he's beating me up. I know how to pronounce Crignet, too. Holy shish kebabs. Now we're having fun.

Finally. It's about freaking time. It took coming to RecRoom. All right. Final question? Yeah, maybe two more. You really want this to be the hour-long podcast. I don't want to go anywhere.

We're only at the 25-minute mark. Really? And this is a lady question. Oh, let's do it. All right. This one comes from Brenda Walsh, Brandon's twin sister. Hi, I'm currently, but not at this precise moment, sleeping with a friend. I don't want a relationship with him, but want it to keep it purely sexual.

I don't want a relationship with him, but I want to keep it purely sexual. I think he is on the same page, but I don't want to feel like a booty call. It seems like we each kind of text each other when we're in the mood, but he always comes to my place. He still lives with his folks. Does this mean I'm his booty call? I feel like we have an unspoken agreement as to what we are doing, and I would rather it be a mutual booty call than me feeling like it's one-sided.

Or am I just overthinking this? All the best, Brenda. Yeah, Brenda, you nailed it. You're overthinking it? When you said am I overthinking it, that was the answer to your question. What is this mutual booty call versus one-sided booty call? What's the difference? I don't even understand.

It was so convoluted. But the situation is very simple and fun, it sounds like. Right, she's like, I don't want anything more, but I don't want to be just some sex object to him. What are you talking about? You said one thing and then another. They conflict each other. Ma'am.

I'm sorry, Brenda, but you're a hypocrite, I think. And you don't deserve a booty call mutual or one-sided, actually. I think you're, I guess it's easy to feel insecure when you're in that situation where you're like... Is he just using me? Especially if that's the way she feels about him. It seems like that's what she thinks. She's like, oh, I'm just using this guy. Wait a second, is he using me?

But if you're both using each other, how long can that last before things get sticky? Who knows? Have you ever had like a mutually no-strings-attached relationship where nobody ever got emotionally attached and then it just faded off and ended? I think so. Or does it always result in one person wanting more? I guess anytime it's, you've, I've had like a, like a discussion, like we are, this is a friendship with benefits, okay? This is, you're a booty call, it's turned into a relationship of some kind. I think you can't have regular sex with somebody without getting your feelings involved.

Sex is such an intimate act. But you can. No, if I was having sex with one person a lot, I would start to care about them. Or you would be like, we should end this. Right, so my trick is to just have sex with as many people as I can, a lot. That way you're not, you're not getting that deep into like never- I don't care about anybody. Yeah, I care about nobody.

Hey, at least of all myself. Cause uh-oh, who's gonna love a monster? That's right. Kids are afraid of me. Other monsters fear me. And frankly, my parents don't respect me. But most of all, I'm afraid of myself. How's that fun?

Oh wait, it's not. I go out with people late in the night to not feel lonely, but News Flash, I feel lonely all the time. Holy shit, I'm on a crowded subway and guess who I'm around? Absolutely no one. Might as well be empty. That's how I feel all the time. I have sex just to feel, but uh-oh, I don't feel anything. Ever.

I'm a robot that's pumping, pumping, pumping, coming, felt good for a second crippling loneliness. Here I am. I sacrifice 99.99% of my day to feel happy for .001% and guess what, it doesn't last. I got 99 problems in the old bitches. Oh god, that was very honest of you. Too honest. Thank you so much. I feel like this chair is leading you to a more honest path.

Yeah, this is like, this chair is just, it really is, it's fucking therapy. Don't air this episode. Sir, over there recording this in a very nice software that we can't afford. Please delete the source file. Here's what we're going to do. Press spacebar because I think that, that holds something. I don't know, we use garage band. What are you using?

Pro 2? I don't even know what that is. Yeah, delete it. Can I play this axe? There's a fender strat hanging over here. I'd love to shred it, especially if it's Adrians. What is the question? She's overthinking it.

Yeah, you're a booty call. He's a booty call. If you don't want anything more from him, then don't expect to be anything more to him. That's beautiful. Thank you. If you don't expect anything more from him. If you don't want any more, wait, I forgot what I said already. Well, we lost it.

It was like a butterfly sitting on my hand for a second. And it's gone, baby gone. Actually, the recording cut out right at that point too. No. No. Somebody made a super cut of us yelling no. Yeah, we didn't even know how often we say it. Perhaps it's online by the time this episode airs.

I think so. All right. One last question. Who knows? Who knows? This one is from God. Who's another guy? Mr. Walsh.

Brandon's father. James Eckhaus is the actor's name. I've been going out. How do you know that? I've been going out with this girl for seven years. And I want to propose on our anniversary in two weeks. But it's a big thing. I'd have to spend the rest of my life with her.

And she's really obsessed with Doctor Who, Oasis, the Stones, Ramones, and a bunch of other bullshit. She's loved them since she was a kid, but it's getting old. Should I just get the fuck over it and marry her, fine ass? Or should I wait and see if it annoys me too much before I make this huge step? Thanks, guys. You've already been with her for seven years. What do you expect? Seven whole years?

She's like, it's a huge thing. I'll have to be with her for the rest of my life. You just lost seven years, buddy. You're already like, yeah. It's too late. What do you do? Break up with her and start new? Hopefully it stops annoying me at year 17, and then I can pop the old cue.

It's so small, too. Like two bands at a show that she likes. Can you imagine liking two bands? Should I just marry her, fine ass? But here's the thing. She likes two of the most respected bands in music history in a pretty awesome show. I don't know. Maybe I can just settle for it.

I don't think she should marry you. I don't like any bands or any show. Actually, it sounds like she's my dream girl. She's obsessed with shit, but it's getting old. I guess if you think it's getting old, I don't want to advise him not to marry this girl, but he's being very cavalier about this proposal. Right. Yeah, this is marriage, dude.

Should I just get over it and marry her, fine ass? You shouldn't say marry in fine ass in the same question. Fine ass is not for marriage. I don't think you should be writing into an advice podcast about whether or not you should propose. That's a really heavy shit, actually. We're sort of answering questions about vomiting. Question number one was going to an amusement park with someone. That was the first date.

Now we're talking about the seven-year anniversary. What if he's actually looking for us? Best to you is for the love of God, ask somebody else that you respect. Or that knows more about the situation. Sure, ask your dad. If this is a dream girl and the one downside is that she's obsessed with Doctor Who, hey, go for it. That's as best as you're going to get.

Yeah, I bet she won't even be into all this stuff a couple of years down the line. Well, it has been seven years and she's still there. The thing about the things that happen when you get married, you have to get a house, pay a mortgage, maybe raise a kid. Yeah, you don't have time for the stones. I don't think my mom was obsessed with anything when I was growing up, aside from just raising six children. You know what she was obsessed with is making me a goddamn lunch.

That's what she was obsessed with. Yo, Laura, you're like obsessed with feeding the kids. That's what you were telling her? That's what my dad was saying. Like, I'm happy I married your fine ass, but you're like, you're so all about getting them to school, sports practice. And shit. It's getting old.

If you need me, I'm going to be listening to the stones. Watching Doctor Who. My dad is the biggest Oasis fan there is. He's obsessed with Oasis. I can't believe your mom married his fine ass. So our advice to you is to go somewhere else for advice. This is our first time we've actually urged people, urged this person not to seek our guidance.

Yeah, seek somewhere else. Although he did help us out. He made it to the show and we got like a little funny question out of it. Yeah, I guess we appreciate you ultimately. So ultimately, please do do what you do. But at this point, I would say yo do you in this situation. All right. Now we are definitely, definitely out of time.

This was such a fun, great place and episode to shoot this podcast. Yeah. Thank you, Rec Room. Thank you guys so much for listening. If you guys can still go on iTunes and subscribe to the show there. It really helps us out. And you can also listen to the show at ifiriyushow.com or I guess not this week sees the cheese.com

because we're going to forward it to the Rec Room.TV. Rec Room.TV. But otherwise we are usually over there as well. Anything else you want to mention? Let's not overload them this time. Yeah. That's plenty. You guys are at your computer.

I feel like you've opened up three different tabs at this point. And we appreciate it. I feel like you are launching iTunes right now to write a positive review and subscribe. So we appreciate that as well. You're checking out Warby Parker, you're checking out Rec Room and you're checking out us. I feel like we've asked you for more than enough actually.

Yeah. Shit. And what we've provided you with what? 25 minutes of jokes? That's not fair. We owe you more actually. And you have an absolutely every right to be mad at us. We apologize.

40 more minutes. Here we go. We're still accepting theme song submissions. This has turned into a thing that we're just never going to end. Hopefully. This last one comes from Alex Moses. And you think you got one that's even better or as good as or slightly worse than his, we'd love to hear it.

That email one more time is ifirusho at gmail.com. Thanks for listening. We love you all. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye.