If I Were You - 20: Honesty

Episode Date: September 12, 2013

In this episode we discuss Burning Man, the merits of lying, and the truth about herpes.This special bonus Thursday episode is made possible by HuluPlus! Watch hundreds of TV Show's and movies on your computer, TV, or mobile device. Get a free trial by going to HuluPlus.com/Amir: http://bit.ly/13OW2x4See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If I were you, I'd tell you what I'd do, probably get some therapy before talking these to Jake. Enemy you, but they're free and they're right here. If I were you, oh if I were you, show with Jake and Amir. Jazzy, what do you think? I love it, I just love how happy you are. I'm happy of myself I think. You look so happy. I like to pretend that he's playing the song just for me.

That's not the only reason you're happy though. That was from Caleb. Yeah. And we are recording today once again. In Rec Room, they didn't kick us out. Well they didn't kick us out, but then they allowed us to come back. We came back. So we appreciate that yet again.

Welcome, welcome, welcome to If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by us. I'm Amir. And I am Jake. And Herpes is, sorry what were you going to say? Yeah, turns out, you know, we're not always, both of us are not always going to be right about the advice we hear. And I think we warn people about that, you know, we're not professionals, we're comedians. Two weeks ago you gave... Well, both of us did this because you didn't correct me.

I did. I said, are you sure you wanted to... I wasn't more... You know what? I'm gonna be a man here. I'm gonna fess up. So two weeks ago you gave what was probably the worst advice not only that has ever been given on the show, but the worst advice maybe given ever. It was borderline illegal negligence.

Yeah, because I mean I know a lot of impressionable teenagers who are very susceptible to these kinds of things. You just gave them a flagrantly damaging violence. Well, I feel bad enough. So here's what the deal is about STDs, folks. What did you say originally? I believe what I said was something along the lines of you can't get herpes without like there being open sores. That you'll be able to tell if somebody has chlamydia or gonorrhea. Which is something that you tell yourself to make yourself feel better.

So I don't think that I have chlamydia or gonorrhea. Turns out I probably have chlamydia, gonorrhea, herpes, and HIV. I certainly have HPV. So here's the thing. Here's the truth. You can get chlamydia and gonorrhea showing no symptoms at all and not treating it is actually very bad for you. There are strains of gonorrhea that are actually becoming... Jesus.

They're immune to drugs so you can't cure them. What else is there? Oh, you can also catch herpes without there being open sores or any outbreak at all. So every little thing you said two weeks ago is incorrect and then you went and you got educated. You got informed. I got educated, I informed myself, and I'm actually going tomorrow to a free STD clinic in New York. Wow, so this podcast is not only helping our audience, it's also helping you. Yeah, I'm going to get checked for all the STDs.

And then what do you think is going to happen? Oh, shit. We should give a live update. Is it a phone call you receive, an envelope that you open, is it like the Oscars? Is it the last time? I was tested for HIV. They called and they left a message and it's like so somber. It's like, hey Jake, we have the results of your HIV test.

And you're just like, oh my god, I have it. Just because you hear someone say that, it's like... You have the results of your HIV test. Unfortunately, you do have the results. The worst is, fortunately, you're good to go. They're like, please call us back. If it's fine, I wouldn't have to call back. And then I call back and they're like, yes, we got your results.

You tested negative for HIV and I was like, there's long pause. They're like, that means I don't have it. Because negative as I know it is a bad thing, but you're saying it's bad. Just tell me in layman's terms, am I going to die? Am I dead yet? But anyway, if you guys are concerned, everybody should get tested. And actually, if you're sexually active, even if you don't have a concern, you should get tested because these things can show no symptoms at all

and they're very dangerous to go untreated. And they're dangerous to other people, not just to you. Yes, so if you are sleeping, if you're sexually active at all, these things can be transmitted through oral sex, anal sex, vaginal sex. You should definitely get tested. All the good kinds of sex. All of my favorite sexes. That's great.

Now you can sleep at night. Well, not yet because I still have to get tested then wait for the results. But hopefully in a week or two, I'll either be able to sleep or be dead. Either way. Either way, I'm dying of HIV, I think. Great. I'm glad we got that out of our system right off the bat. The show is, this is an advice podcast.

We get emails from real people who are in sticky, difficult places in their lives and we try to advise them as best we can. Sometimes completely incorrectly. We'll try to never be as wrong as Jake was two weeks ago, ever again. But it's going to happen. And yeah, we do our best to offer up the best advice we can give, or at the very least what we would do in that situation. And we hope that it's helpful at all.

At the very least, at the very least, we'll give you wrong information and make fun of you for 10 minutes. But that's the very least. Most of the time, the podcast hits that bottom, bottom bar that we aim for. That rock, rock bottom. And people can email us and have been emailing us at, if I were you, show at gmail.com. Shall we get started?

Why not? I got one week to live. Let's make it count. We should just lock ourselves in here and answer as many questions as possible. So at the very least, I can release 20 to 40 podcasts after your death. God, you're selfish. Postimously. You're selfish.

Each one sponsored by Hulu Plus. They actually paid for 40 episodes after your death. That was in the contract. You were going to die either way. All right. Real email, fake name. We're going to go with Tommy. Tommy.

Tommy. Tommy writes, hello dudes. So there's this girl that I was going out with a few years back and she recently moved in next door. We started talking and walking our dogs together. So naturally I started to like her again. Everything was going so smooth until I found out she was in a serious relationship. Now her boyfriend is threatening me on Facebook and she is not responding to my texts.

Should I beat her boyfriend up or should I keep trying to win her heart without violence? I really like her and I trust that you guys will have some good advice. Thanks, Tommy. You trusted wrong. So in his mind his two options are. Again, I don't like either of his two options. Beat up the boyfriend and win the girl like a video game. Using violence.

Yeah. Or two, steal her without violence. So both options are that he wants to break up the relationship. Oh no, he's going to break up the relationship. He just wants to know whether he should beat up the guy. Tell me what, pal. Are you sure you can beat the guy up? Why would you say he can't?

I guess maybe he can because this guy is such a loser that he's threatening him on Facebook. Well, but this guy is emailing in a podcast. Wow, all of you guys are lame. I think I'm going to beat up everybody and I'm going to steal the dogs. Those are my dogs now, I think. Yeah, jeez. So it's weird that he thinks he can beat up the boyfriend and win the girl, right? This isn't a Popeye cartoon.

No, this isn't how things work. This isn't back to the future. Just sock the bully and then dip the girl and kiss her. As long as somebody calls you yellow. There's like, I don't know. If you punch someone in the face, you can like fracture a bone in their face and then they'll sue you. That's so funny to imagine the realistic outcome to this. Boom, all right, I get the girl.

No, actually, I have to go to a doctor. I need surgery on my eye socket. Oh gosh, if anything, this brought us closer together because she feels bad for me now. I feel like she's driving me to the emergency room. I sort of seem vulnerable or in her eyes and she likes that. We're suing you for the full extent of the medical bill and then also emotional distress. Actually, I think I'm going to get some STD tests while I'm done. Okay, that's enough on the STD thing.

I made one goddamn mistake on this podcast and I never get to live it down. You do get to live it down. It's been one episode. It's been like nine minutes. I got that Sylvester from Looney Tunes thing from like episode two. Deep pull, deep cut. Sovereign succotash. Every mistake we make, you better believe our listeners are going to be on top of that shit. I do think I got more people tweeting at me about getting Sylvester wrong than the STD thing.

Yeah, the STD thing. That's how dangerous it was. Everybody just took that piece of advice for real. Oh great, no open source, open season. My dick isn't burning. That should be GTG. No. So if he's not going to beat this guy up, his other option is to steal her heart without violence.

Which is, I mean, how? Yeah, well I figure if we walk enough dogs together, she'll eventually fall in love with me. Are you at least a little turned off that she was like leading you on while having a serious boyfriend this entire time? Also, aren't you a little perturbed by the fact that her boyfriend is threatening you on Facebook and she's not replying to your texts? I feel like she's taking his side. Also that she's your ex, which means it didn't work out once. He wants another chance for crying out loud. You're sure you want to salvage this relationship?

Yeah, I'm positive. Why? Geez, I don't know. I guess my advice, if I were you, pal, is to just remove yourself entirely from the situation. Take your little dog to a dog park and try to meet somebody new. Oh, that's cute. Would you say dogs are babe magnets? Shut up, man. You're actually a dick.

Like, air quote, babe magnet. I think you're a babe repellent. I really do. I'm like a spray. I'm like, if you hang out with me enough, I feel like you would get on me and then I would not be able to attract ladies. Like a bug zapper. I think dogs do attract. I mean, people have both sexes because dogs are so great.

And it's also a very easy way to talk to somebody. But is that a thing that actually works? Like, oh, you have a cute dog and now I'm attracted to you? I don't know because I've had, I've like walked dogs. I mean, I've had dogs and been out with them and had girls come up but like pay only attention to the dog and not even look at me. I think it helps that like you have to be good with ladies and then it's like the dog, much like a magnet, attracts the ladies, but it's not going to actually get her to be attracted to you. It's just a way of getting her over there.

I saw some dude at a bar once. He brought a dog. The saddest thing in the world. He brought a dog, which is cool. Like, that's great. But like, he was so using it. He would like walk up to a girl with it. She wants to meet you.

That dog's been dead for two weeks, man. He's dragging it behind him. Dragging like a carcass of a dog, maggots crawling in and out of the eye socket. She wants to meet you. You're under arrest, sir. No, she wants to meet her. I'm gonna threaten that guy on Facebook. He's flying in and out of like, Jesus.

The open brain cavity. Sleezes. Do you say that's the saddest thing in the world or telling a bunch of teenagers that they can't get herpes if you don't see open source? Which one would you say is the saddest? Because one is actually... The saddest thing is the amount of teenagers I've already given herpes from my non-open source, apparently. Actually, Mr. Hurwitz, you have all the STDs.

They just don't affect you and will not affect you ever. No. So I'm just a carrier. Dope! Tinder, Tinder, Tinder, Tinder. Hinge, hinge, hinge, hinge. What's hinge? Hinge is a new app like Tinder.

Tinder is hashtag nope. No, Tinder is still hashtag dope. Tinder is still better. But hinge, hinge is getting there. Hinge is a pretty dope app. Hinge is a new dating app, folks. It only matches you with friends of friends on Facebook. And it also only gives you like eight matches a day.

Friends and friends, I'm banging eights and tens. So yeah, hinge is pretty good. But I mean, I suggest being on both. And you're on OK Cupid. Yeah, I'm on OK Cupid. Hinge, Tinder. I started perusing the Craigslist personals and the newspaper classified ads. I replied to Yelp reviews, seamless orders.

I steal people's phones. Sometimes I just search the hashtag pretty babe on Instagram. I follow anybody that posts that. I just tell them to tweet at me. I haven't met a girl in real life in two years. Oh my God. I'm just looking at other apps. I can't transfer STDs through hinge, can I?

I order an Uber car every day and I hope to God it's a female driver. I meet a lot of chicks that way. I met my future wife on Uber. What was this guy's question? I already forget. Should he beat up his girlfriend or his crush's boyfriend or try to win her heart using non-violence? At least try using non-violence, I guess.

Yeah, of those two bad options, we'll choose the lesser of two evils, which is not beating the guy up. Because that will not work. Sure, try to steal her heart. I don't know, fuck you for giving us multiple. That's the second week we've had multiple choice. Don't try to lock us in. I'm a goddamn professional.

Actually, speaking of getting feedback from our audience, some lady wrote in and gave me feedback that was very eye-opening with a previous question that reminded me of this one, which was some guy said that he asked a girl out multiple times and he was wondering whether he should do it again. She was like, sure, sure, you might as well keep trying. But then she said that it's dangerous and potentially damaging advice to tell him to keep going after a girl

because she kept on saying no, no, no, and he should take a hint. And it starts to get scary to keep attracting or going after the same lady over and over again. That was your wrong advice. Yeah, that was my wrong advice. This guy's not gonna die. Thank God. Okay, Amir's not the saint that he thinks he is.

Oh, wait, you're probably gonna try to pin that one on me too, aren't you, jackass? No wonder chicks repel you. I'm spitting all this through a mouth filled with herpes. Your mouth is an open sore. Can you give me some of my herpes? God. So I think the advice I would give is if a girl, knowing what I know because...

Alright, if she's not responding to your text, just please leave her alone. Which was my initial advice, actually, to remove yourself from the situation. Do we give this person, is this the first question that we took? And there's the 42 minute one. Yeah, that was the first question, right? Yeah, that was one. We haven't done a second question, right? Let's do it then.

I think I'm... So the next five minutes just saying that was the first question. Alright, yeah, that was the first one. Have we done the second? Just go, dude. You know, you've been very different ever since you got back from Burning Man. It's somehow negative. You spent a week of positive time in the desert and you came back

and now you're just trying to catch up on miss negativity or some shit. We should talk about Burning Man. A lot of people were curious about your exploits there. Alright, let's answer at least one more question. Yeah, I feel bad. We're not giving the people what they paid for. Zero dollars for five questions. Alright, ready?

Question number a duo. This one comes from Angelica. Angelica. Dear dudes, a few months ago my long-term boyfriend and I took a break from our relationship. I was under the impression that this break was a means to an end and I was really hurt and sad. One night I hooked up with a new guy in an attempt to make me feel okay about my recent breakup. After about a month, my boyfriend and I solved out our differences and we got back together. Yay!

However, he asked me if I had hooked up with anyone and I only half told him the truth, saying that I kissed a boy when in reality I totes banged one. I feel terrible about not telling my boyfriend the whole truth, especially now, months later, he still brings up that kiss and always goes on about how much he appreciates my honesty in our relationship. I'm a friggin' phony. Do I tell my boyfriend the truth that the hookup happened or should it forever be a secret I keep between us and all your podcast listeners?

Thanks, Angelica. So, it's cool that we got a message from a lady fan. Yeah. See, girls can mess up, too. It's not just dudes. In fact, girls mess up more than anybody. You're a loser for doing that. You weak-willed loser.

Shoot. Yeah, that's tough. It's a sticky situation indeed. Yeah, you lied. It's a tough thing to come clean about. I like that the boyfriend brings it up as a means of saying how much he appreciates her honesty. My boyfriend always brings up the kiss and he really appreciates how honest I am. Right.

I'm not sure he's not just, like, still jealous. He's just cutting a carrot, staring at her. I keep thinking about that kiss and how happy I am about how honest you were with me. Angelica. He started slicing his finger. Oh, my God. Don't you feel that? Doesn't break eye contact.

I don't feel a goddamn thing. I'm sort of numb with your honesty. Yeah. I mean, if I were you, if I were you, the show. If I were you, I probably would not tell her, tell him. You wouldn't. Yeah, I wouldn't because I, to me, it doesn't mean anything. So, like, what he thinks is that I kissed someone and it didn't mean anything.

When in actuality, she boned someone and it doesn't mean anything. If you tell her that, if you tell him that you boned someone, then all of a sudden he's going to think that it meant a lot when in actuality it didn't. Right. So, especially it's going to seem like it meant a lot because you've hit it for so long. Right. Because then it's like, oh, what are you hiding? What else are you hiding? But I really don't like, I don't like advocating lying to loved ones.

Yeah, but this is, this is, this, it's real honest advice. All right. This is, this is not advice you're going to get in a goddamn Dear Abby column. We're advocating lying. Yeah. We're Dear Shabby. Dear Shabby? Nah.

This is Dear Shabby. And I am shabby as it gets. You were actually talking earlier about how great lying is. Yeah. Lying is like, it's perfect because like, you just, you just don't tell the truth and then people's feelings are good. Yeah. You like get away with shit. Yeah.

Like if you're in a relationship and you cheat on someone, you can still like, you can still cheat on someone and get laid, which is fun. And then when your lover asks, you just like, you lie. You make something up. And then it's like, oh, great. I got to have sex with a stranger and I didn't hurt my loved ones feelings. Yeah. It's sort of like having your cake and eating it too in that regard. Yeah.

So just like everybody wins when everyone gets to lie. Yeah. It's like, if you just didn't feel guilty about lying, it would be perfect. Like, oh, can you please come to my dinner? Oh, I can. I have a friend in town. I just want to go home and watch Breaking Bad. That's it.

Yeah. I'm lying to you. So you don't get your feelings hurt and I'm doing what I want to do, which is going home and watching Breaking Bad. And I don't have to feel guilty because you're out to dinner without me thinking like, I can't hang out for a good reason. So you're saying lying is probably the best thing that someone can do. Well, there's something in all of us that doesn't just, it just doesn't like to lie. Is it natural or is it messy? I think, I guess there's always like, there's a concern when you lie that you're not going to be like, you can always remember the truth.

It's hard to keep track of lies. Oh. It's always safe. You can always remember the truth. It's hard to keep track of lies. So our advice is to keep better track of your lies. Yeah. I mean, if it's only this one lie, then yeah, sure.

Yeah. As long as you lie only once a day, you can sort of keep track of it in a Google doc that you can call truth and quotations. I would not. Don't write down all of your lies. Well, you wouldn't call it lies. It wouldn't leak because you wouldn't call it. You'd be discreet about it. You'd call it like recipes or ways to lie down, but like lies and quotes.

So like things that like little tips that help you remember where your lies are. You don't know how to lie to you. Sure I do. I feel like as the guy that Angelica fucked, I just, babe, I'm cool with you telling your boyfriend, I'll corroborate the story that it meant nothing. Please. I'm begging you. I want him to know.

I think it depends on how like, if you guys can just like move on and like, well, it's not him. It's her. It's all her. Can she move on? Yeah. I don't know. If it's going to eat her alive, obviously it's not worth it. Right.

If you live with that guilt every day, but like my advice is to at least try to be cool with the lie for a little bit. See how it fits. Try it on for a week. And if it's an uncomfortable thing, then you can deal with it later. But you know what? He's into it. Like, hey, I said I kissed that guy, but he like felt me up a little bit. Just Adam.

Oh, all right. Well, I really appreciate you came clean now. Okay. Oh yeah. If he appreciates honesty, God imagine how much he's going to appreciate you when you tell him that you boned someone. Yeah. Angelica. Oh, I just want to bring up again the fact that you appreciate that guy.

And how much I appreciate your delayed honesty in that regard. Because that was a lie you could have just taken to the grave. And the fact that you told me about it at all means you're so, God, I can't appreciate you more than I do right now. I really do. I really feel like I have maximum appreciation. And I appreciate that. Turns out I banged four guys. Did you then?

Yep. God, I can't appreciate you more than that. There's another honesty bomb for you, pal. Oh, every little bit of honest truth brings me closer to smile. I got my honesty guns out. I fucked the guy last week. And I kissed the guy this morning. And I'm talking to a bunch of guys on Tinder.

These appreciation bullets are piercing my heart and making it go fonder for you, I think. You fucking loser. We're making fun of you and you have no idea that your girlfriend cheated on you. She didn't cheat on him. We were just... They were on a break. Remember that episode of... That was a whole series arc, I think.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Ross Rachel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That episode of friends? Yeah. We were on a... I love that. We were from when Ross met Russ.

He was like, one was a paleontologist and one was like a periodontist. I'm gonna go, I think. Please. Please don't. Two questions deep. Stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area. But better help makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible and suitable to your schedule.

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That's betterhelp.com. If I were you, check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. To create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one, or you want to sell stuff online, you can do an online store. They have 24 seven live customer support, email campaigns, data. You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace. For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld is a good dude.com.

I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me. Or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life and maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to squarespace.com. If I were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code. If I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial. Everything looks good.

Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. Two questions deep and then that one hour mark. Do you want to talk about Burning Man at all? I know there was not nothing really crazy epic happen, but you wouldn't even understand. What are you talking about? Burning Man is in an event.

Sure it is. It's a one week long, I guess like arts and drug festival in the desert. Drug festival. Well, did you do a lot of drugs? I did drugs. Does everyone does drugs? Well, the drug. Yeah.

It's like a pageantry of what? Freedom, happiness, positivity. It's weird. I really don't want to make fun of Burning Man. It's funny to like talk about, but like it's an amazing experience. I loved it. It was incredible. But do you feel a little ashamed loving it because there's such negative energy around

people who didn't go to Burning Man? Like, oh Burning Man is like fake and phony and all the people that love it are lame. Like are you embarrassed at all to admit that you loved it as much as you did? No, I think that everybody that was there felt the same way I did and anybody that feels negative about it, I would just encourage them to try to go and see what it's like. But I cannot imagine going there and coming back and be like, everybody there sucked. I can imagine that. Now, everyone's so open and positive and nice that like you cannot, at the very least,

I can understand somebody being like, I didn't like being hot the entire time. I was uncomfortable. The people who are there are pretty amazing. Right, but I bet if my parents went, they wouldn't like it. They would think all the people there are hippie losers. This is such a non-burner attitude that you have, man. Non-burner attitude. I would say all the people there are either millionaire or losers who can't get their

life together enough to do anything. I'm trying to be like my brothers and sisters. Here's another thing, the temple that you said that you went to and cried at, I think you're a piece of shit for doing that. I feel like the writing that was on the wall was all fake, lame, stupid, shallow. Honestly, I have to punch you in the face now. I'm going to hit you for this. I just got the non-burner attitude.

There it is. He's back. You're a fucking loser. How's that for positivity? I'm positive that you're a fucking loser now. So what would you say was the most resounding vibe of the week? I think that... Was it drugs?

No, I think it really... Oh god, I know how lame this sounds. No, because I don't think it sounds lame, but I know how you're going to do it. Because you guys are non-burners, you're going to do this with that lens. It really is like... The feeling that you leave with is acceptance and positivity. So there are drugs and people accept and embrace the people who are doing drugs, but people accept and embrace the people who aren't doing drugs.

And there's four-year-olds and 80-year-olds there, and there's fat people, and skinny people, and hot people, and ugly people, and people in clothes, and people in funny outfits, and people completely naked. And every single person is just celebrated for being them, and it's amazing. That's it. What percentage of the population there was white? That's an unfortunate thing. It's a very, very ethnically diverse...

Unfortunately, there weren't a lot of diversity. I mean, there was entirely too many white people there. It preaches acceptance... It's the same thing with Coachella or Woodstock, where only... It's a very accessible festival. More people with different ethnicities should go, and they'd be accepted and celebrated. Once you pay the $400 entrance fee, it's very accessible. What are you saying that certain people couldn't pay that fee?

No, I'm just saying you're saying it's so accessible, maybe. It's not as accessible as you think. $400 is not a lot of money. $400 is a lot of money to some people. For example, not to me, because I'm rich, but like someone like you. Yeah, because I'm poor, but I still a little do it. But you ended up having to borrow a lot of money from me. From you, yeah.

Actually, that's the money that I need back. You got back, you're like, you said you don't believe in money. No, it's Cashless Society out there. As long as you fill up your gas tank and Gerlach, and you get all your supplies at Walmart and Home Depot, once you get inside the plier, ain't no money, brother. I hope you bought Cliff Boss from Target, alright? Otherwise, you will die in this Cashless Society. Please make a lot of stops at McDonald's, Starbucks, Walmart, Target.

And then once you get in here, it's free for all. It's not the idea of Cashless. I don't know. You know whatever. It's a nature valley commercial. We'll keep on talking about Burning Man. It's part of me now. Actually, every question you answer now, we'll be talking about Burning Man in some way, shape, or form.

I am Burning Man. Alright, let's go on to the third question. This one comes from another lady. What should we call her? Lil. Lil. My uncle recently took over our family-owned restaurant and is constantly complaining about the high level of stress that it is.

He has particularly brought up their IT guy claiming that he's lazy and way overpaid, not having nearly enough work to do. I'm Facebook friends with a guy's sister, and she posted a status yesterday of being jealous of her genius brother being able to finish the entire game of candy crush in a month. One month, without cheats. I don't know if either of you are crushers, but I am, and I know that it's nearly impossible.

Definitely impossible. Unless you're playing 10 hours a day, every day, and doing nothing else, it cannot be done. It's 500 levels of pure torture. I've been at it for five months myself. No cheats, and I'm on level 350. Should I tell my uncle and get this guy fired over this game? He definitely deserves it. On the other hand, though, maybe he is a genius,

and just what the family restaurant needs, solving all of its IT troubles. Thank you, Lil. What? This is the most unique question we've ever received. Because it meant nothing. If this question is fake and you made it up, I want to hire you, because you have the most

interesting imagination I've ever read about. That's the most convoluted, pointless thing I've ever heard. There's not much to answer here. Your uncle owns a restaurant. Yeah. There's an IT guy that he already doesn't like. Your friends with the IT guy's sister on Facebook. She just posted that her brother beat...

Candy Crush. Candy Crush, and you're a crusher. I'm not a crusher, I'm a burner. I crush a lot. So you're saying that there's no way he could have done it without playing a lot, which means he's neglecting his job as an IT guy, or he is actually a genius, and maybe your uncle should keep him hired.

Once you paraphrase that, it does seem like a more logical question. This guy plays a lot of video games. Should she tell her uncle, or is it a good sign? I don't give a fuck about your family restaurant. Unless it's three hours north of Reno, Nevada, in the middle of Black Rock City, Nevada, I don't give a shit about what your restaurant is,

because that's where I still am. My soul is on that playa. You want me on that wall. You need me on that playa. I'm okay giving this question our first skip. Yeah, the first skipped question. Tell you what, I think no matter what you do in this situation, the world's going to keep on turning,

and everything's going to be fine. That was that for positivity. You were already a positive guy before Burning Man, though. It didn't really change you. Yeah, but it was nice to be surrounded by people who were as positive, if not more positive than me. Do you think your mom would like it? She's a very positive person, and she sort of had trepidations

about you going to Burning Man. Yeah, I think she would really like it. I think the only thing that's sort of tough about it is the climate. Yeah. But if you decide that you're just going to do it, then yeah, I think anybody would really have fun there. What about a cynical hipster like myself? I would like to see you go there.

I think you would, at the very least, get a big kick out of it. There's a lot that you can laugh and smile at, and you're pretty positive, too. You're not actually that cynical. Oh, thanks, man. No, no, I didn't compliment you. I didn't compliment you. You're cynical.

It helped to hear you say that, because now I know that I am better than you think that I am not. If that makes any sense, this whole experiment, this podcast thing, is now worth it for me. I guess in the long run, to hear you say that, to hear you say that means so much more than you will ever or could ever know.

Be dead right now. Question number four. Yeah, all right. We're almost out of time, but I don't want to end on that weird-ass Candy Crush question. Here we are. Okay, so, you know how in those high school shows... Who is this from?

Oh, good question. Phil. Okay, so you know how in those high school shows, the nerd always gets ignored by the popular girl he has a crush on? Well, a few days ago, the nerd, me, finally mustered up the courage to ask the popular girl out. To my surprise, she said yes. She has way more experience with dating than I do.

I totally wasn't prepared for this. What do I do? Oh, I remember when I liked this question so much. You looked at this guy's Google profile. Yeah, buddy, I looked at your Google Plus profile. First of all, just the fact that you have a Google Plus account means you are the biggest nerd at school. You weren't lying about being a nerd.

Let me describe this guy to everybody. You were 85 pounds, if not a foot, wearing a purple button-down shirt with a purple tie and a black fedora. The cover art of your Google Plus profile is a fire-breathing dragon. I think we're allowed to make fun of him because we were that kid in high school. I wasn't.

Didn't you say you had a chain with a dollar sign at the end of it that you wore around your neck? That's so much later than this guy's profile. How do you remember that? You told me that once. That was in eighth grade. That was in high school. I was cool in high school, man.

Well, this guy was just as nerdy as I was in high school, and I for want to plot his effort for asking out the popular girl. I don't think he's a loser, actually. I don't think he asked out the popular girl. I think he's lying. I would say you're lying. Your delusions of grandeur don't stop at the dragon on your profile picture. They actually bleed into your real life

where you email a senior fantasy situations. No, you're a good man. I can't even fake this. I'm sorry I was an asshole, but I can't give you a compliment now. I've gone too far. You're a bully in yourself. I think I'm a bully.

I really do. This guy's going to grow up to be some kind of evil villain, super genius. Well, that's how it goes. All the nerds in high school grow up to be cool, and all the cool guys grow up to be losers. The nerds will inherit the earth. The meek. So bullies, if you're listening out there, beat the shit out of the nerds now

because if they die, they'll never become stronger and better than you. I think that's worse than me telling people that STDs are basically not contagious. So here's my advice for this guy, the nerd. Something I've realized, something I'm going to try to verbalize, is relationships, like let's say, how do I say this? Probably should have thought about this. So our relationship, mean you talking. When we talk about stuff that I know about, I feel better than you.

When we're talking about math or sports knowledge, you shrink, and I am the bigger personality, the better person in the room. And it happens instantly. And then the second the topic changes to dating and stuff that you're better at, I suddenly shrink and you become the better personality. And that whatever you're currently discussing, that's where all the weight lies. So this girl is popular and the nerd is not. You should take her to a thing that you excel at and she doesn't,

and she will feel much smaller than you for the duration of the night. So I do understand, I think what you've said is intelligent. But the advice that you've given is for a guy to take a girl to someplace where she's uncomfortable and make her shrink. And perhaps as a dating authority, I'll say that's not a good date for anybody. Well, isn't it better for her to feel uncomfortable than for him? I think it's probably better to go somewhere where both of them can like, there's an ebb and flow to like who leads the conversation.

Let me tell you this, you want to make your girls nervous. Bottle service makes the models nervous. Why is that a good thing? Because you want models to be nervous in your presence. Yes, that's a saying, but who says that besides douchebag? Models, I guess. Models say bottle service makes them mean nervous. So this girl is probably on a higher social status and like more comfortable than this guy

in 98% of the things that they could possibly do. But maybe there's a thing, there's a 2% thing that he can take her to that suddenly makes her look up to him in some weird positive light. Right, I guess it depends what kind of nerd you are. Maybe you could take her to a nice science museum or something. Maybe there's something, but I don't like the idea of him taking her to like, some sort of magic- A practice SAT class.

Yeah, like that's not magic, the gathering meetup. No, no, no, you don't want to make her feel like, holy shit, who is this weirdo? Why don't you take her bowling and you be like, I'll keep score, I'm great at math. You go get a soda. You add up these pins in your head, 8, 7, 5 and 3. Did you get 23? I did. I also feel bad for making fun of him so much. I just came from Burning Man where the idea is to be open and accepting of everybody.

That's so funny. And I was just like, 10 minutes after you said how much you changed. You got to understand that I'm not on the flyer right now. My soul still is. Jacob is still on the flyer, but right now I'm sort of back. Yeah, no, like as soon as I got out the desert, I was like hawking at people, giving people the finger in traffic. I was like, move, fucking loser.

And it leaves you that quickly. That's why I got to go back. Yeah, I don't know. I'm not sure how to go out with the hot girl if you're going to be nervous around her. I mean, at least... I think you got to bring her to a place that you're the most comfortable. Right, but not somewhere where she'll be uncomfortable. Better than anything else.

Carrying in your heart, though, the fact that she said yes, so maybe she's at least intrigued by you. Yeah, carry it in your heart, but let it trickle it down to your dick and then carry it in your dick and balls for like a minute. Tell you another thing, you're going to show up on this date and you're going to be egged by her and her boyfriend and her friends. And you're walking into a goddamn trap. You understand that, right, Phil? Then they built a human mousetrap game outside of her apartment.

He's going to be under a cage. You're going to be torn and feathered, I think. Strung up from the flagpole like the loser you are. Left for dead. And you know what? I'm going to be the one that fucking drags you up there. Well, in your mind, you're going to show up and be like, oh, I'm going to make her feel small.

I'm going to make her feel real small. Hey, what the fuck? Why am I getting a wedgie? I feel like you're making fun of me. I am. But you know what? Even if it doesn't work out with this girl, your day will come. Nerds do get inherently more accepted as they grow older.

And I will say that it's pretty cool that you have the balls to ask out the popular girl. At the very least, you got to just keep going with that vibe, you know? With the confidence. Yeah. All right. Now we are definitely out of time. But I really like this episode. It was a good mix of you making fun of me, but not too much.

And you really building me up and then ultimately me taking the show home with a lot of good, positive, happy, funny advice. And in terms of how it went for me. You are like just trying to protect yourself right now, huh? What are you talking about? I can just watch you building this wall. I just don't want to read any negative comments about me more than anything else. Yeah, that is...

Yeah, we're done. We're out of time. But we wanted to talk about our first live podcast experience. We're having... For the first time ever, we're going to be doing a live recording of this podcast. And it would be great to pack the house with people who already know what the podcast is. That seems like a lot of fun friendly environment. We're going to do a lot of fun things like actually answer audience questions and have like some audience participation.

Yeah, and we should try to get some cool special guests to arrive too. That would be cool. Maybe a live intro song by me. Oh, original intro. Or maybe a guy. Or maybe we'll find another way. If I were you, if I were you, if I were you the show. Well, we don't want to give away too much.

Okay. But I will do that. I promise you. The show is in Brooklyn. It's part of the New York Comedy Festival. And it's Wednesday, November 6th at Little Fields. So you can go to littlefieldnyc.com and look for it there. Or you can go to ifiriushow.com and we'll post about it there.

It'd be great to see as many friendly faces as possible. And we'll always like, you know, meet and hang out with people who come to the show. Of course. Yeah. Anything else we wanted to say? Seize the cheese. Yeah. Seizethecheese.com.

I guess we'll be back towards redirecting to our website. Once we're done pimping out rec room for hooking us up royal with this fat studio space. Reboo! Adrian Grignet! I'm the winner. Yeah. We had an awesome opening theme song number. These ones are submitted by you guys.

So if you think you can come up with something as good as or slightly worse than what we've been playing, we want to hear it. That email better. Not better. We feel like we've already plateaued. We don't want to get any better. We want to make anyone feel any worse than they already do. The opening one was from Caleb and this last one is from Maddie.

Later! Cool. That was our episode once again. If you guys can check out huluplus.com slash amir. It would really help us out. We can keep doing these bonus episodes on Thursday. And yeah, we really appreciate everything. Thanks guys.