If I Were You - 207: Beehive

Episode Date: March 21, 2016

In this episode we discuss unspectacular vernacular and when to hit on somebody.This episode is brought to you by TheTracker.com, MeUndies.com, and 2FFilms.net!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. That was by Kyle and Adam. Yo, my boys. And we often joke about real musicians writing these theme songs. But that was written by a real musician. Yeah. Kyle is in Bastille. So, I don't know what else to say about that.

Yeah. So, he's in Bastille. Yeah. And he wrote us a, he called us Koi in the theme song. Yeah, so. And then other times he'll be on stage and he'll be like, eh, eh, oh, eh, oh, eh, oh, eh, oh, eh, oh. Oh, he's the guy that does that?

I don't know. I just read online that he plays every instrument. Every instrument? In the band. Bastille? I don't, I've never been to one of their live shows. I mean. On his Wikipedia page, it makes me believe that he's the guy

that's saying, eh, eh, eh, eh, oh. They're, they're huge. They're, I don't, they're, they've sold 5 million records in the U.S. Yeah. This is bigger than when your, your boy Gattier was on there. Yeah. Gattier was on eight episodes in a row. And when Bastille wrote a theme song for us, that was actually true

in an actual bigger deal. Well, this wasn't the whole Bastille. I feel like we have, only Kyle's in Bastille, I think. No, only, oh, Adam is not. Oh, yeah, I think so. So Kyle, who's in Bastille, and Adam, who's not in Bastille. Right. We should preface every, uh, artist that helps us out by being like,

this guy's in Bastille, this one's not. Is he in Bastille or not? So like, so far, nobody has ever been in Bastille. Except for now, Kyle. Yeah, so Kyle is in Bastille. And I think now's a good time to tell everybody we're going on tour with Bastille. Oh, I totally forgot that. Yeah.

We're telling everybody, including Kyle, Bastille. He didn't, they didn't know, because like, why would two, uh, podcasters sort of open up for a faith expand. Oh, why do you think they're, we're opening for them? What? You think we open? What are you talking about? I'm a headliner.

You want Bastille, who sells out arenas, to open for us? You got, you couldn't sell out Seattle. You couldn't sell out the fucking Neptune and you want Bastille to open for us? We packed the Neptune with nine people. We sang Bastille songs incorrectly. Anyway, thank you. Yeah, dope. Thank you.

Uh, thanks to Kyle, uh, in Bastille and Adam, who's not for listening. Yeah. We're a hundred percent sure that is accurate, right? Uh, yeah, because Bastille, according to Wikipedia, is Dan Smith, Will Farquarson, Chris Woody Wood, and Kyle, Kyle Simmons. Yeah, dope. My man. So, why don't we just give a really quick shout out to Bastille.

Yeah. I'll play a theme song that was written by Bastille. Not by Bastille, but by Kyle from Bastille. Yeah. Uh, and they're probably on tour. They'll have a lot of, uh, go to BastilleBastille.com to listen to more Bastille. You've already heard Bastille. So much Bastille.

Bastille. Thank you, Bastille, for, uh, for loaning us, Kyle, to write. What if he gets in trouble for this? He gets kicked out of the band. Hey, uh, you can't write other songs for podcasts. That whole Koi Ju thing. We were going to put that on our new album. You leaked a song.

That was going to be the name of our EP and our LP. Uh, all right. How are you feeling today? Sunday, we're, this is one of those that we record and then put up right away. Sunday, March 20th. I'm a bit, it's, it was a long weekend. We partied a little bit. We went out.

Yeah. We did. And then, uh, what does that lead to on Saturdays and Sundays? Um, I guess pretty much starting on Friday. I didn't, I went to the gym on Friday. But then for the rest of the weekend, I was just sort of like, You're living your, your cheat life. Yeah.

Uh, today was especially. Cheatful. Today was especially egregious on the cheat scale. I wish non-honorable today. I was a dishonorable disservice. I was a cheatsman through and through. I was a cheatsmith. I left.

No, I came back from breakfast and you're on the couch eating breakfast tacos that you had postmates, which is when a restaurant doesn't deliver. There's a third party that will deliver the food to you. Yeah. And they do. There's a, there's a tax. There's a $9 delivery fee. Yeah.

And then you have to tip. You're basically paying an Uber driver to go to a restaurant and then pick up the food that you still have to pay for. Yeah. I mean, like, so we're talking about like, yeah, unhealthy tacos. I got three breakfast tacos with chips and guac and some queso dip. A queso. And, uh, I think it costs.

It says how cool people call cheese. Yeah. It roughly costs like $26. $26 for three tacos and chips. Yeah. Yeah. And then, uh, I came back three hours later. Right.

And I just gone to the gym or no, I, oh no, I did the opposite. Yeah. You said you felt bad because you had. I went on a run or something. No. You said you had Wendy's. Oh yeah. So I left you eating tacos and I came back and you had already eaten Wendy's.

And I actually ate the Wendy's really fast because I knew I was going to be embarrassed if you caught me. So I ate it as fast as I could and I got rid of the evidence, but then I felt so ill. And then did you postmates the Wendy's as well? Yeah. The Wendy's cost me $23. So you didn't want to leave the home. I didn't.

I left the house once this morning to go get Starbucks. Starbucks. Did you get a croissant? Yeah, I did. Yeah, you got your croissant. I think I have had the most unhealthy day of my whole entire life. And then how good did it feel while you were eating it? Honestly, the Wendy's felt bad the entire time.

The only time I felt good was when I ordered it and I was really looking forward to it. But once it got here, it was disgusting. What did you get? And why Wendy's? Well, because I wanted Chick-fil-A, but Chick-fil-A is closed on Sundays. It's closed on Sundays, yeah. Someone better tell them that God ain't real, man. It's ridiculous.

It's just ridiculous that they're going to let their margins dip like that. Not even fucking selling anything on Sundays. Are you kidding me? What? To observe the Sabbath? What a waste. Last time I checked Sabbath was Saturday, dimwits. Now give me that grilled cheese, please.

I got a chicken sandwich, a junior bacon cheeseburger, chicken nuggets, and two French fries. Wait, why? You ordered food for two people. You ordered a chicken sandwich and a cheeseburger. Yeah. And you also ordered chicken nuggets and fries. And then you also ordered fries. So why didn't you just get one fries?

Because I didn't think there would be enough. Two large fries. Well, no, because it's all off the dollar menu. So it's sort of like this. Everything's a little tinier. A little too small for my liking. So you got two small fries instead of a medium or a large. Yeah, I guess.

They're also a little bit bigger. They're probably two medium fries. And you got two sandwiches. And then you also wanted the chicken nuggets, in addition to the two different sandwiches. One being a cheeseburger and one being a fried chicken sandwich. Yeah, then I also needed chicken nuggets. Did you consume all of it? I actually couldn't.

I was a little too ill. But I consumed most of it. I left a single chicken nugget and three or four fries. I would have eaten that. Yeah. He also pulled the bun off the chicken sandwich. Sort of like a big chicken nugget. You thought it would be unhealthy to eat the bread.

The bread was inhibiting the taste of the sandwich a little bit. The chicken. I was tasting more bread than chicken. I wanted to. So now you ate that. What did you eat for breakfast today? I had a kale, cob, green juice. Really?

And that was before the spinning. No, I also had a breakfast burrito. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. So these are cheat days, dude. But I don't think anybody should cheat as hard as I cheated today. That's not. You cheated on cheat day, basically.

You cheated too much. I had an affair on cheat day. That being said, it's still 7.20. You ate Wendy's probably an hour ago, right? Roughly, yeah. So there's still like a late night cheat in you. Honestly, that's why I got the Wendy's. I ordered it maybe around four.

Like a mid-afternoon snack. I was thinking like if I get the Wendy's now, then I'll be hungry to order pizza at like nine. I mean, if I could, I mean, that would be such an effort cheat day. That would be an amazing cheat day. Yeah. You have to get that out of the way because you're very, you're very strict during the week.

During the week, I think. I mean, you're like, you're salad, you're smoothie, you're nothing. Yeah. Yeah. During the week, I don't fuck around. So that's why the cheat day is so important. Yeah. You have to make it so you're so sad and disgusted with yourself.

You don't even want to cheat. Yeah. I would have been thinking about this cheat day for a long time though too. Sunday? Yeah. Wasn't yesterday a cheat day too? Yesterday was sort of a diet cheat day. Like I got a sandwich instead of a salad.

Yeah. And I ate some chips, which I don't usually do. It was like an on-ramp to the cheat. Yeah. It was gearing up. Yeah. I was like, by the way, stomach, just so you know, like here's a few chips.

Get your shit ready. Because tomorrow you don't have any fucking clue what's going down. We're getting Wendy's. Yay! Your stomach muscles are just fucking thrilled about it. They can't wait. So fucking sick right now. It's like when you dangle a leash in front of a dog and he's just fucking ready to go.

He's like by the door scratching it. Yeah. That's what happens when you throw chips down your hatch. I'm dehydrated. I'm so full of salt. Yeah. It is a lot of salt. Yeah.

Did you have water? Not enough. I saw you drinking a can of canola oil. Yeah. Yeah. Cheat day. And just cracking pepper on my tongue. One of those mills.

All right. What is this? This isn't just Jake's diet podcast. This isn't a podcast show. Although I would love to have a podcast. It was all diet. Yeah. That way it would keep you honest.

And at the very least, cheating. This is an advice podcast. People, believe it or not, are in desperate need of our guidance. They are finding themselves in a situation where they need perhaps a third or fourth opinion because they don't know what to do. They're young and inexperienced. Maybe they're old and naive about a certain subject. Fortunately, we know a lot about everything.

So we will comb through these emails and try to find good ones. But then sometimes we figure let's make a game of it. Oh, you want the Game Boy? That's right. Tonight I want to summon, even though he's a little under the weather, ill, I want to hear from the Game Boy. The Game Boy has very bad stomach pain. The Game Boy is lactose intolerant.

He shouldn't have had cheese and a chicken sandwich. So what we're going to do is I have our Gmail account open. And the game is Jake will ask me to search a term or a phrase. And we'll see if there are emails with questions. One of 15,000 emails we have. And if I can give you a word that's only been used in one email. That's the game. That's the game.

That's the win. That's the boy. All right. The Game Boy's first word is beehive. Wow. Beehive. Zero. Is it zero?

Is it one? Is it the cootie? Oh my God. It's one. Holy shit. The Game Boy with a bullseye. It was written from you, you asshole. Oh, this is funny.

It's not even a question. What? Actually, this could be fun to do. Wait a minute. Where's beehive even in this? Oh my God. So this is interesting. It doesn't even say beehive?

This is the email. This is written in February 12th of 2015. So 13 months ago. Michael, a professional videographer and editor said, I wrote some Jake and Amir episodes. I know you're not making them anymore, but give them a read if you like. And there's two attached PDFs. One of them is Jake and Amir banana phone and one of them is Jake and Amir crimes. So we could trust Michael enough to read these in character.

Wow. As a Jake and Amir video, one of which contains the word beehive. Should I do a search and do it? Or is that not a good idea at all in general? We should just find questions. No, let's read them. We'll do. You think College River is going to sue us?

I'd like to see the... Oh! Mr. Diller. A helicopter? That's not what it looks like. Let's see which... Oh, okay. We didn't read these.

This is kind of risky. Yeah, what if they're not good? I guess that's interesting nonetheless. This one is called Jake and Amir crimes. Is this one with the word beehive? That's it. I feel like even if it's not great, Destiny let us here. Yeah, that's true.

So this is a Jake and Amir video. Oh, wow. 48 pages. Yeah, right off the bat. All right. This is so weird doing a Jake and Amir video that we didn't even write on the podcast. This is a momentous occasion. This could either lead to many interesting ones or just none ever again.

Well, yeah. I feel like if we start doing this very regularly, then College of Emerald will tell us to stop. All right. So this might be the only one we ever do. Yeah. I mean, people out there, I love the effort, but don't start sending us a ton of Jake and Amir scripts. I don't think we can do this on the rig, but we'll do it right now. The podcast just slowly becomes Jake and Amir radio hour.

It'd be amazing. All right. Interior cult. This is exciting, right? Yeah. Some people are excited listening to this. Actually, let's not do it. Let's not do it.

All right. We're going to Boston. Interior college humor office. Jake sits at his desk. Amir approaches and sits down. I had to get into character. Yeah. Wow.

Should I put my old glasses on? Yeah. Go to your room. All right. This is all the script. Amir approaches and sits down. Oh, shit. This is hard to read and do it.

Usually we would read the scripts beforehand, everybody. We got this. Here we go. Attention, Surgeon Soda. Here's a fantastic gift from your friend, your best friend, and Coke worker, Amir. Start your day off sprite with a Coke. Amir extends a Dr. Pepper to Jake who stares back. Starting fresco.

Tabula rasa. Bark is what dogs do. Okay. Lazy effort with the soda puns. Also, you're holding a Dr. Pepper, not a Coke that you've clearly opened already. You caught me. In the act of fizzing up this soda fountain on top of a friendship. The fun don't stop when you're guzzling a pop with your grand pop.

Goes in for a fist pump. Do you think I'm your grand pop? Take my drink. Okay, now I'm certain you're attempting to drug me. Amir accidentally bumps a lid of soda and it clumsily falls off, spilling soda all over his desk. He pauses, then tries to play it off. You see that? Yeah, I'm still here.

By the way, saw you on the news this morning. I'm not sure that Wisconsin couple appreciated you pushing them into a lake. I've done a terrible deed. They're gonna lock me up with Saddam Husselini and Osama Bingwama. They might. I never got caught neither. Yeah. According to the police report, a man wearing a Whole Foods bag on his head pushed to Wisconsin

couple into a lake. When they emerged, the man pulled his pants down, brought a match to his rear and yelled, Hey, Peter, I just pulled down my cat in his ever jeans. Now watch me shine because I'm the girl on fire. The man attempted to fart on an unlit match but failed. Where have all the cowboys gone? The report continues. When his initial attempt had all but failed, the man yelled, Welcome to the 74th annual

Hunger Shames. Here's a little gift from district number two. Once again, the man could not produce anything worth note from his rear. You shouldn't be around people. I was, it was, I was a tribute in the thick of battle waiting for a drunkle, hey bitch, to send me a tinker toy, swatting jacker-jackers with my gut left and right. How do you swat with your gut? I'm here to lift this shirt and reveal dozens of welts and bee stings.

Oh, oh my God. Yeah. What were you doing? Sub-doing the hive. One minute I'm licking a corn dog like Lincoln Log and next, a frickin' stinger in my hound Zimmer, points to hand. So I'm jacked up on these jacker venom and I make a bee line for the beehive and give it a tummy rub and high five.

And I'm ain't sure I hit him where it hurts. A beehive can't feel pain. I hit him where I hurts. My beef tenderloins. So I tuck the honey mucky hive in the shirt and it's kicking and screaming like a babe in the womb and I'm convincing myself if I let it gestate long enough, I'd have a nice bolo honey come tomorrow. All right, just got off the phone with the hospital and ambulance is on its way.

What did you do with the hive? Right here. Lifts at the beehive, swarming bees. Oh God. That was it. End scene. That was pretty good. It's not bad.

A little all over the place. Yeah. Uh, no. Let me just tear into it. I understood. He captured the voice. Yeah, I like the idea of me pushing a Wisconsin couple into a lake. You think that's a real story that inspired it?

Maybe so. The beehive would be hard to shoot but not unduable. We could have made it work. Yeah. The noise is wasn't there one where like a swarm of something like zzzzzzzz? There was a snake. Is that what you're thinking of? A snake?

I remember the snake episode was, you had a snake in your backpack. Oh yeah, and it's hissing at me. There was also an episode where you like put down a backpack and there, we hear a cat meow. Do you have a cat in there? I'll let the cat out of the bag. And it's actually a cat? Yeah, yeah. But we only hear it, we never see it. Alright, that was a fun little game.

The Game Boy. The Game Boy? He actually won. Oh wow, this guy... I guess I'll say his full name. He has a cool last name. His last name is Garanty. That's right.

A, Garanty. That is a cool last name. Michael, a Garanty, please. This probably might be a fun time to talk about our new web series. Oh yeah, because if you miss the old web series, and maybe we just refreshed your memory a little bit, we used to do a web series. I wonder if there's anybody out there that only listens to the podcast,

never watched our videos, that absolutely hated that. What was that? This podcasters did something weird for a second. We have a new web series called Lonely and Horny, and it is out in a month. No, less than a month. Less than a month? But you can buy it now for 15% off,

if you use the coupon code horny. That's right. So you go to vimeo.com. And people have been pre-ordering it for the past week, or two weeks at this point. We're getting so many tweets and snapchats and Facebook messages. Trying to get back to every one of them saying thank you. We can't believe how many people have pre-ordered it so far.

And like Jake said, we will get to you. You will want to see it. So you might as well pre-order it and get the 15% off. Yeah, you guys, this podcast is going to be just a straight up lonely and horny commercial come April. It's going to be a never-ending deluge. It will be unlistenable. It will threaten to ruin everything in the wake.

I do want to at least encourage people to watch the trailer if you haven't. If you're not ready to spend the money, at least just watch the trailer. Just check that out. And if you do, do send us a snapchat, do send us a tweet, do send us a Facebook message. We love reading it all and seeing all the great support. We're overwhelmed by how many people have purchased it so far. Indeed, we are in your debt. Thank you.

The pre-ordering, the pre-order costs $14.99, and then with the coupon it's like $2.25 off, so it's $12.74 just to be able to watch all 10 episodes when they come out in April. Yeah. Very excited, very proud of what we were able to do. So hopefully as many of you as possible get to see it. Yeah, so we can make that second season toad-oad. And thanks for starting the word about it too.

A lot of people telling their friends, I had people that I didn't even know about coming up to be, being like, oh, I saw the trailer, it was great. That's really awesome. Cool, thanks guys for watching and thanks guys for pre-ordering. Muchos gracias, and thanks to Michael for writing that script. Not really a question, but... It did have the word beehive, and that was what we were really after.

All right, let's try to get a question in before the break. Okay. Should I search something? Yeah, you got it, your turn. No, you can do it, you hold the computer. My stomach hurts too bad. It's not gonna be like this stomachache. Your stomach hurts?

Too bad. I actually might throw up. Oh no, periodic. Periodic. Like the table of elements. Oh, we got a bunch. Give me a number, one through 20. Eight.

All right, this one was written in December of 2015, just right before the holidays this year. Okay. All right, so I have this girl I've been messaging. I met her on Tumblr, and I thought she was an absolute babe. She messaged me first. She opens the dialogue with, hey, my aunt made plans with my whole family to take us all to Vegas,

and I want you to be my date. We are going in 2017, so keep your schedule open. I was blown away that this is happening. I immediately messaged back. I'm down as fuck, girl. I gave her my number, and we've been texting nonstop for two months. And I legitimately could see myself marrying this girl. We have so much in common, and we cannot get enough of each other.

Here's the issue. She has a boyfriend, but she has never told me that she has one. I only know this because I searched her Instagram and Tumblr. And by the way, she posts about him. It's like they were high school sweethearts and can't seem to break it off. They post periodically about each other, but nothing serious ever. Should I try to break them up so I can make the girl and myself happy? I feel like I'm more attractive than him, and I'm a better person than him.

Anyway, I'm going to leave you guys with our Tumblr names, and you guys can see what I'm talking about. Please, dear God, remember to give actual advice. And then he gave him and hers Tumblr names. I really hope you guys know how to search for selfies on people's Tumblr profiles. Just click in the search bar on their profile and type me or hashtag me. Huh? There's this whole Tumblr subculture that we don't really know about. People meeting each other on Tumblr and having blogs on Tumblr.

We had one of the first Tumblers, but we never used it as like, this is me and this is a way of putting myself out there. And I guess people do that. People meet each other on Tumblr, and I think it's through groups or through hashtags. I don't understand how it works either, but isn't that the way the internet's always been? First you met people in chat rooms, then you met people on Twitter, and I meet people on Tumblr. They're live journal? Yeah, I feel like I've made friends from Instagram.

Oh, you made friends on Instagram? Yeah, I've definitely met people through Instagram. My college roommate, shout out to Pavla, met friends on a yellow card message board. Wow. Yeah, a message board for the band Yellow Card. Love that. So I guess anything is possible. Do you want to watch the last six seconds of this basketball game?

Yeah, this is pretty exciting. Oh god, Northern Iowa just launched a three from way beyond Halfcourt. It's left leaving so much, oh my god, that would have been amazing. Northern Iowa is the one that they hit that buzzer beater last time. Yeah, it's from Halfcourt. So they had six seconds left. The guy just caught it. I think the same guy shot a half quarter with like five seconds left, leaving so much time

that Texas A&M got to get the rebound and shoot their own half quarter. That's the worst play ever. And that Texas A&M one almost went in. Wouldn't that have been incredible? That's what they deserve. You miss a buzzer beater by so much time that you leave the other team enough time to shoot their own buzzer beater. Man.

Anyway, this guy's met a girl on Tumblr. Did you really invite him to Vegas or was that like a silly pickup line or something? Yeah, because she says we're going in 2017, so keep your schedule open. That seems like a joke. Yeah, okay. So the problem is just that he likes a girl that has a boyfriend. Yeah, this wouldn't necessarily be a question we would answer if we read it. But now that fate has led us here.

Well, we do get a lot of questions like this, so let's dive in. Yeah, an overarching advice to people who want to break up somebody else. Yeah. It always seems like the girl likes you more than she likes the boyfriend. Yeah. But I think that's rarely true. Oftentimes, the girls and guys sort of look for micro-thrills in the world of flirting with other people.

Right. And maybe they're not wholly satisfied in their relationship, but they're still probably trying not to marry somebody else. Right. So I wouldn't get too far down this road, and maybe the most attractive thing you can do is just be like, you know what, I'm not going to talk to this girl, she has a boyfriend. Yeah. He's in a good position.

He's the other guy right now. He doesn't want to be the guy, then she's going to be micro-cheating on him with other people. Yeah. You don't need that in your life. You need someone who's not going to micro-cheat. Right. So his actual advice, you say you're better looking at a better person than this guy.

Well, you don't know him. Yeah, you don't know who he is. You don't know, I guess you could tell how attractive he is, but you don't know how good of a guy he is. Right, right, right. You've never met this girl. Why don't you, all these people- Yeah, the stakes are pretty low.

If you've never even met this girl and she has a boyfriend, let's just keep on looking. Yeah, all these people that are heartbroken or broken up or ruining their life with stress, trying to figure out how to date someone that doesn't live near them, just find someone near you. Yeah. It's such a huge headache that you don't have to deal with. Just find someone that lives- Actively try to enter a long distance relationship.

Find someone that lives within driving distance and then you don't have to make a huge stress, have this huge heartache and pain about someone who lives far away and what to do with that situation. Especially if that person also has a boyfriend or a girlfriend. Yeah, that's a double- This person is unavailable. It's like walking into a restaurant and seeing a table occupied and be like, I'll sit there. I want it.

And he's like, sorry, that person's one already here and two hasn't even gotten their food yet. Two reasons why you can't sit there. One time I went into a restaurant and there was this two girls sitting- Hot? At a bar. Yes. They were eating sushi at the bar.

So hot. And I was like, oh, one of them looks really cute and attractive. But I didn't want to bother her. I felt like I couldn't hit on her because she was having dinner with a friend. What am I supposed to do? Right. Are there situations where I basically have to be like, I can never be with- Do I just have to give up before it even starts?

I can't do anything. I can't talk to this person. Is there ever a thing you can do that you can open a conversation or is there some situations where you can't- I'm sorry, just pretend you didn't see her. It's over. I had a friend who picked up his- He met his girlfriend while she was at dinner at Umami with her parents.

Wow. He came up and he said, he's like, I know you're here eating with your parents and I'm really sorry to do this, but I'd be kicking myself all night if I didn't just come up and introduce myself to you. Holy shit, wait, who did that? That dude, my friend, Boyd. Holy shit. Yeah, but he's like super fucking hot, so-

So it works. Like, I think there is a way, but you have to like actually be able to get that sentence out and you've got to be like fucking hot. The only way to be that confident is to be hot. Yeah, like if I went up to a girl and I was like, hey, I know you're eating with your family and I would be- Can we get some water, please? I don't want to hear.

What? Is this your dad? Yeah, sorry. This is weird. What do you mean? Dad, I don't understand. Sorry. We're going to go eat somewhere else.

So that man, that vagrant, so you're saying- The beard's a choice. So you're saying there's always a way, there's always a way, but I don't want to give creeps a green light to try to hit on girls that don't want it. Right, well, I think that's the problem that a lot of guys are worried that they'll come off creepy and a lot of them do come off creepy. Yeah. Rightfully so, basically.

There are some guys that can't do it, like you- I think that makes you a pretty decent guy because you felt more compelled to not bother this person than to get your agenda. And then there are some guys who would do it, but they'd be real sleazebags. And then there are some guys who can walk up and say the perfect thing like, oh boy. Well that's the thing. And I was also thinking like, she looks like a cool normal type of girl. Like the type of girl that wouldn't want to be bothered.

Then it's like, oh, that means we would get along. We are so compatible because I didn't want to be bothered and I'm the kind of guy that wouldn't bother someone. And I know that she's done dealing with creeps and I'm not a creep. Yeah, and if I gave her a note that would make me a creep. So it was like this weird paradox where I'm like, how do I hit on a girl that I know doesn't like to be hit on? Yeah.

That's hard. So what I did was I waited until she left the restaurant and I bumped into her and I said, we have to stop running into each other like this. And she maced you. She maced me in my face, all over my face and neck. I guess that's what like social media is for, but you didn't even quite get to that. Yeah, and it couldn't even get there. I had to like stand next to her in a perfect role.

What was this, by the way? I had a sushi bar in the valley when I was eating with my parents like two years ago. I was like, I have to find myself standing next to her where somebody else would approach me so that I can talk to somebody else and then like hopefully make her laugh or have the conversation spread like a virus that brought her into it. Then I can only crack the ice. Break the ice? Crack the ice.

This is me talking to her. Can I crack the ice? Break the ice? Is this sushi? Do you mind if I have the salmon? My index finger resting in her poke bowl. Oh my God, is it usually this hot? What do you like about rice?

This is my father, Jerome. He's playing with Bitmoji. Nobody knows what the fuck's going on. All right, leave people alone. Let's take a break. We'll be back with more Q's and A's. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp.

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How many college basketball games would you say you've watched in the last 48 hours? I guess roughly every single one. Maybe 15, 16, 20 games. Yeah. Wisconsin just beat Xavier at the buzzer. They'll advance to play Notre Dame. I didn't realize you were capable of watching this much basketball in two days. Yeah, I love March Madness.

So you just get into any team. Yeah. Who's your team now that you know besides like Yukon and Yale because they're your hometown team? Oh, yeah. I mean, actually, I don't I kind of choose like game by game. So like player by player uniform color by uniform color. Today it's like every single team that I wanted to win lost.

Well, you just you like the underdogs. Yeah. I guess that's true. Like really like walk up. Yeah. You're walk up. Who's on what? Stephen F. Austin or middle Tennessee?

Yeah. Stephen F. Austin. Detroit. By Syracuse, right? Yeah. It's always like the fun, obscure college names that you've never heard of. Those are the teams you want to root for. Yeah.

Giddy Potts is out here. Giddy Potts and Liz Shoshie didn't make it to the sweet 16. We're still are we still angling to get Shoshie on podcast? There's this guy on University of Arkansas, Little Rock shout out to whatever their team name is. They beat they upset a four seed in the first round and then they lost yesterday. But they're one of their star players name was Shoshie. Last name Shoshie, first name Liz.

Liz Shoshie. And we want nothing more than to be friend, Liz Shoshie. I don't know if anybody out there knows Liz Shoshie or if he has Twitter, if we can sort of start like a DM with him. Yeah. I don't know who out there even listens to our podcasts in Arkansas, let alone Little Rock. But Liz Shoshie, if you're listening, a Shoshie for your thoughts, please.

Theoretically, all these kids are in college. They would have at least like heard of college humor, right? Yeah. I wonder there should be a credit. There should be a way to search NCAA athletes by what they're a fan of online. Yeah. That'd be cool. That way, like maybe a Liz Shoshie or a Giddy Potts is actually a phantom of the office

fan of ours. So who are you rooting for in this game, Northern Iowa versus Texas A&M? Northern Iowa. Yeah. You like the small white guys that are just like, looks like the heroes in a Hoosiers type movie. You're right. I only like the white players.

The five foot 10 inch white players that'll, I do like JJ Redick a lot. Actually, now that we're talking about cities, we're going on tour very shortly in three weeks. We'll be on our East Coast tour, which starts in Washington, DC on April 6th. Then moves, we'll move our way up the coast. How are we doing that on a train? We're going to DC. Yeah.

Then yeah, we're going to, we're taking the Assela. That's a really nice train. Yeah. Very nice. That's a business class train. You guys, that's a train that we're about to ball out on. That's a bullet train. That's limited stops.

Taking that to Brooklyn. We got a show in Brooklyn that is sold the fuck out. Yeah. Unless you got tickets for that already. We won't see you there. And then it's going to be nuts. Yeah. Then we have a night off, and then actually the next day, Lonely and Horny comes out.

Yes. That'll be a fun day in New York. We're going to do a bunch of stuff for that. Then we're heading up to Boston, I believe, on an Assela. Oh, really? I think so. It'll be just me, you, Liz Shoshie, on this bullet train. And Gatye.

And Gatye going, I think you can get to New York to Boston in like two hours, right? Our intern Marty. Oh, yeah. Our little intern boy Marty. Texas A&M just dominating. We have a show in Boston that might be our biggest show ever, a huge venue, the Wilbur Theater. Yeah, so how many seats is it?

It's like 1100 seats. Oh, man. Well, let's, I don't know if we'll be able to sell that out. Louis CK did a special there. That's how big it is. It's a legit theater. So if you're in Boston, do come by. We just need 10 people to come from every, from all 100 colleges in Boston.

And that should be filled out, sold out. And then that next day, Sunday night is our last show of the tour. Pistol Waven, New Haven, my hometown show. By the way, if you are locked out of that Brooklyn show, New Haven is a quick train ride from New York. Hour and a half. I used to do it all the time on now Metro North. So you could come to that show.

And this is fun news. I think we sort of said it the other day on the live stream, but Allison Williams is going to be doing the Toad's Place New Haven show with us. Holy shit. Yeah. Allison Williams. Special guest, Allison Williams for her, is it third or fourth podcast appearance? It'll be third or fourth.

I can't quite remember. So she's going to be on the show with us. Whatever. Favorite guest. She went to school in New Haven. Yeah. She grew up, I think she grew up in Connecticut too. That's sort of her hometown show.

Yeah. It's her hometown show. Get the fuck out of her way. I honestly don't even care. I'm just so pumped to be doing a show in the 203sie baby. So come see Jake. Are you Pepe's or Sally's, man? What?

I meant to ask. Are you Pepe's or Sally's? All my boys from New Haven, I know what I'm talking about, Pepe's or Sally's though. That's the right answer, man. I don't only like pizza. Oh, God. Do they have Greek salad? Probably.

I can get like garlic knots. With no olives or feta. Just lettuce then. So please come on down to see the Allison Williams, Jake Hurwitz hometown show. I'll be there too. That one's going to be a party. That's going to be our big finale. Yeah.

The final show. She's one of our favorite guests and a Connecticut native. So you have no reason not to check out our shows in New Haven or Boston or Brooklyn or DC. It's going to be fun and there's going to be at the beginning of April. Spring will have sprung. Leaves will be changing colors. Really hope so.

Butting on the trees. Do you have one last search term that we can use? Yes. We got to answer one more question. This is getting ridiculous. Okay. The Game Boy. Vernacular.

That's awful. One, two, three, four, five, six. It's kind of interesting because every other one has been red. So it's like red, unread, red, unread, unread, unread. So which one? I guess one of the unread ones. Okay. One, two, or three?

Three. Okay. Now that I've said three, I've unlocked 12 more. Let's break those up into three sets of four. More of those fortune teller things where it's like say a color, B-L-U-E, number 1234. All right. I'll say that. And then you're like unravel it and it says what you are.

I did that once. I was often gay. My bully made one. It's actually funny you mentioned that because let me read this question from a guy named, I don't know, give me a Canadian man's name. Chuck the Canuck. Oh God, there's a frosty coming out of your nose. Yeah, your hair is turning red.

You're starting to become wendy. I am wendy. You're wendifying yourself. You've been wendied. You've been wendied. My issues with my big mouth writes Chuck. My brother used to have his friend Brad over all the time, but I couldn't stand him. Brad had a high school vernacular where he'd call everything gay, queer, and faggy.

So I made a big stink about it to the point where my brother no longer invites Brad to the house. Well, a year later, I met a friend, Don, in school. I didn't know this before befriending him, but Don had the same homophobic vernacular as Brad. Don is wondering why I never invited him to my house like I do my other friends. The reason is that I'm terrified he will out me as a big hypocrite in front of my brother by calling something gay.

I also do not want to have another awkward conversation with Don to tell him not to talk like that. How do I save face while keeping my friend? If it's relevant, I am mostly openly gay. Oh, this is an interesting fact. This email was written on your birthday. Really? August 5th.

1985? Yeah, it's all typewritten, scanned, and sent to us. Amazing. It said, don't open this until March 21st, 2016. It's funny that he just doesn't even want to have another conversation. He's just like, I just want to invite this guy to the house. Yeah, he's sort of not fixing the problem. He's just shoving the problem elsewhere.

It seems like it's pretty important to you that your friends don't have that type of hateful vernacular. I used to say those words when I was in elementary school and high school. Yeah, so did I. Maybe not high school, but middle school. I think high school is kind of when I stopped. So everybody, I guess not everybody, but a lot of people do say those types of words. Do they still?

It's kind of crazy. I think so. They still say those words without necessarily knowing how bad and hateful it is. The only way to teach and educate people who use words like that is to mention it, not just to kick them out of your house, dude. Kick his ass out of the house, dude. That's, oh yeah, you're gonna really have to watch lonely in the morning so you understand. That reference.

That reference. A real deep cut. Yeah, he, I mean, it seems like a worthwhile thing to make sure none of your friends call things gay or queer or that other really hateful word. The F one. I think it's fine if, I mean, at this point, it's probably weirder that you're not inviting your friend over your house. Yeah, he's probably wondering what's what.

Why can't I come over? Just be like, well, you can just don't talk like that. And if you do still talk like that yourself, here's a quick PSA, just don't talk like that. A lot of people are like, I don't mean it like bad, but yeah, you do kind of mean it in a negative way. It also makes you sound kind of dummy, so just don't be a dummy. Don't use those words. It's kind of silly to make an excuse.

If you call something gay and it's like, hey, that's that's like a little bigoted and antiquated people don't do that anymore. And like, I don't mean like it's a bad thing. I don't mean like being gay is bad. It's just like, just stop making excuses and change the word. You're on, you're on the wrong side of history on that. We've already lost the gay battle. Yeah.

But not the gay war. Stand up with me, folks. I don't know which side I'm fighting for anymore. It better be the gay one. Oh, no. Texas A.M. wins. The game is over. And we all win too.

And I guess that ends our podcast as well. Guys, thank you so much for listening to the show. If you have your own questions, your own theme song submissions, whether you're in Bastille or not, that email again is ifirereashowatgmail.com. Thanks to Kyle and Adam for sending in that opening theme song. Very cool. The closing one is written by Cameron Williams. And again, vimeo.com slash lonely and horny.

Do check out the trailer if you haven't yet. If you're on the fence, we'd really appreciate it. I don't know what else to say. We hope to get as many people as possible watching the show. We are refreshing that counter, prior counter, maybe every 180 seconds. So if you want to make us feel good, let's see that number go up a little more. Oh, and remember also at the after the song, you guys. We're putting in a little plug for one of our other shows.

It's a good reminder. You asked me to remind you and I forgot. It's okay. I'm glad that we're just, you know, it's happening. That's all that really matters. There's a podcast called Overdue, and it's a book review podcast of sorts. And I was a guest on it, so we're going to play a little snippet from their podcast. And if you guys dig it, which I think you will, because it's kind of a unique podcast.

Every week they read books that were sort of like required reading in high school. And a lot of great books on there. And I read Robinson Crusoe. Andrew and Craig are funny dudes. And if you like books, you're going to love this podcast Overdue on the Head Gum Network. So after the closing theme song, we're going to play a clip from that. You guys can continue listening to the rest of that episode on headgum.com. All right, we'll be back, I think Monday next week, but I don't know, I'll see.

I never know. Thanks for listening, everybody. Peace. Welcome to Overdue. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Welcome to Overdue. This is a podcast about the books that you've been meaning to read. My name is Craig. And my name is Andrew. And joining us this week is... Jake, that's my name.

That's his name. Jake, who are you? Who are you and why are you here? The worst intro ever. Oh, it's fine. We'll fix it in post. You're just going to make it louder and louder in post. Repeating.

Welcome to Overdue. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. It was a family that had been marooned on an Island. They made a sick tree house.

That's what I thought. I thought that's what I was in store for. Sounds like a mash up with Swiss Family Robinson. Maybe it was Swiss Family. I think it was Swiss Family Robinson. That's what it was. Not family crus do. I would watch that, though.

We took a look at the book. but I was reading where it came from. It's technically one of the first novels. Did you find that, Andrew? One of the first novels in the English language? Yeah, it's very old. Do you guys know the full title? Have you heard the full title of the book? Oh no, please read it to me. I think, okay, The Life and Strange Surprising Adventures of Robinson Crusoe of Tork Mariner, who lived eight and twenty years all alone in an uninhabited Ifland. I think that's supposed to be an S and it's just old. On the coast, on the coast of America, near the mouth of the Great River of Orunoke, having been capped on shore by shipwreck where

in all the men perished but him fell. With an account of how he was at last as strangely delivered by pirates. That's the title. That's the title of the book. I think that's part of the whole, like, make it sound like a real thing that happened, because there's some. That was the whole thing, right? Yeah, there's like maybe, maybe, just maybe this was a real guy, but probably not. I don't know. And people thought he was a real guy because it does say written by himself. They thought this was the thing that really happened. So I like that. And that seems to be in fitting with what the 17th century novels were doing, which is like, you're moving towards realism. We're going to pretend that it's a real guy.

It's not just this mate. Yeah. Insane shit was happening all around these guys all the time, like even just the little people in Robinson Crusoe's life. There was just a guy that got killed and eaten on the beach at one point. That's realism. That's real. That's people's lives. That's so anybody like on a ship at sea in the 1600s, even if they don't get marooned, it's worth reading about that person. Well, that's the equivalent of signing up for SpaceX, right? Like, now, who knows where they're going to send you? That's true. That's true. There might be whales out there. Go up into space and get space scurvy. Yeah. Even in space, they'll have domesticated goats, so it'll be fine. I've got a couple of fun facts about Daniel Defoe. We don't

need to talk a ton about him before he jumped into the book, but did you know that he was born Daniel Foe and that he added duh to his last name because he thought it sounded fancy and upper class? It does. It sounds kind of, doesn't it sound kind of hood too? It's like, yo, I'm Defoe. You think you've got a foe? I am Defoe. He's got credit. He's got credit on both sides, right? He can play at court, and he can play in the streets. Yeah. He's a fancy guy. He was normally in debt and was arrested in a 1692 for debts that may have been as high as 17,000 pounds, however many dollars that is, and like 1690 money. He was also, he wrote this thing called The Storm, which is considered like a forerunner of early journalism. There was a great storm

that happened in 1703, and it was called The Great Storm of 1703. Good name. Good name. Checks out. He went around and collected other people's first-hand accounts, which was not like a thing that people did when they were reporting stories back then. Oh, okay. Wow, that's cool. Yeah. He published a few other novels, like a couple of the Robinson Crusoe things, a few other novels in like the last 10 years of his life, and then he died in 1731, quote unquote, probably while in hiding from his creditors, which is how I want to die, I think. Pennyless and afraid. Yeah.