If I Were You - 209: Friend Group (w/Lauren Lapkus!)

Episode Date: April 4, 2016

Comedian/Actor/Friend Lauren Lapkus joins us to discuss TV shows, long distance relationships, and Jurassic World.This episode is brought to you by MeUndies and TheTracker.comSee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Wow. Poppy, I liked it. That's like a TV theme song. What'd you say? I thought it should be like a clueless theme song. You know, the film with Alicia Silverstone. It was also a TV show.

Oh, that's true. Not with Alicia Silverstone. Oh, holy shit, who are you? Was I supposed to wait? No, no, that was great. That was perfect. Lauren Lapkus. Hi. Are you also a Jew? No.

Because the theme song referenced us being Jewish, so he might have to amend it. The theme song is like filled with inside jokes. It must be really strange for you to hear. I got all of them. Really? And I fucking need to download that song now. It's my new ringtone.

What did it remind you of? It reminded me of a Disney show kind of vibe. Oh, right, like the opening theme song, too. It's like an iCarly. Yes. Gotcha. And the face laughter kind of thing. Yeah, I thought it was good.

What would you do, ask Mark Summers' production? What would you do as Nickelodeon? She said Disney. All right. Yeah, get it right. Or pay the price. What's that from? That's from absolutely shorts, which is also a Nickelodeon show. In addition to what I said, which was a Nickelodeon show.

Wait, am I in the wrong now? It's always two against one when it's a three-person pod and we have to figure out what's up. I just never want to be on the one side. Oh, wait, no, no, forget it. Fuck me. I've always a loser. That one, that song was written by Josh Friedman, who signed his name, The One-Eyed Kid.

And he said, we briefly met after your last show in Boston. Amir said, sweet eye patch, highlight of my life. I remember that. I kissed that guy. In the eye. On the cheek, I think. Really? I remember being really taken aback that you brought up the eye patch so quickly. You have to address the elephant on his face.

And then I did it in a cool way, I thought. I actually like that you said something about it. I bet not enough people do. A lot of people are like, oh, hey dude, looking good. Or like, yeah. It compliments something else. Like you have a lovely smile. Like they're trying to say like, your eye's not good, but your teeth are nice.

But if it was something more subtle, I feel like that's the way you should do it, is not address it. Do you feel like if you had an eye patch on, that you can tell that people are only looking at your one eye? I do. I kind of got cross-eyed toward the one. Yeah. Well, isn't that what usually happens with eye contact anyway?

Yeah, your eyes are always like, when you notice that, it's insane. Yeah, it really freaks me out. We're doing it now and I'm scared. Just like, skidding back and forth. Yeah, like I then wonder like how I ever did it before. Like when I'm aware of it, my eyes are like going back and forth. And I'm like, I can see their eyes. And I'm like, why?

Why? Like I feel like I can't talk anymore. What if you guys are shifting at the exact same time? You never see each other's eyes. I will say on Dawson's Creek, Katie Holmes was like the queen of acting with that movement. Because it shows like a level of intensity and drama. And she's like, what are you doing, Dawson? Yeah.

And then like the little smirk, oh man, Joey Potter. Good Lord, guys. Were you a Joey or the other blonde one? Michelle Williams, but what was her name? Jen? Jen. I was a Joey. He read Joey.

Yeah, full on. Were you a Brad or the blonde melody in Hey Dude? Wow. Brad, for sure. Really? Brad was like the beautiful. Well, I always liked brunettes. Like I thought like they looked cool because I didn't have, my hair was very blonde when

I was little. So you were the brown hair. So I was like, wow, it must be cool. Like Kelly Kapowski. Yeah. Kelly. Kelly liked them both. Kelly sort of bucked the trend because she was quote unquote the hot one and the brunette.

That's true. Where it's usually like the blonde hot one and then like the silly brown-haired girl. But Zach was really hot and he was blonde. Yeah, I guess you're right. Although he had frosted tips. Were they frosted? Yeah. I mean, it was, it wasn't real, but it wasn't like he didn't have like the Pacey.

Now we're going back to Dawson's Creek. Remember when Pacey frosted his tips? Of course I remember when Pacey frosted his tips. Thanks for coming on the show, Lauren. Thanks for having me. This is an advice podcast. So people will email us. They're just so desperate that they're seeking our guidance.

Great. What do we know? I've been wondering that. Let's find out. Not a lot actual as it turns out. So we're going to give these real emails from real people, fake names, you know, just to preserve their anonymity. Could you possibly start us off with giving me a... Wow, really stalling on this.

You're trying to find the question right now? I'm trying to figure out if it's a guy or a girl. No, it's a guy's name. Okay. A fake guy's name. Paul. That's beautiful. You made that up on the top of your head.

At some point, someone didn't make up the name Paul. Yeah. Cool. Paul. It really stuck, too. Last name? Bildis. Paul Bildis.

It's cool if Paul's a contractor. Oh, yeah. Hey, Paul. Hey, Bildis. Bildis, yeah. Anyway. Let me start off by saying I absolutely love my girlfriend. Wow.

She's amazing in every way possible. However, recently we had a fight about something and I just can't seem to let it go. I was joking with her one time and asked her if she was offered $500, would she make out with a random guy while still dating me? And she said, and I quote, of course I would. It would be dumb not to. Then I continued and asked her, would she sleep with a random person for $500? And she said, it depends on whether she knew him or not. She'd sleep with a stranger but not a guy she knew.

Cool. Whoa. This has gotten to me extremely. Extremely so. I can't stop thinking that my girlfriend would do anything for money while still with me. Am I being a diva for thinking people should have some moral basis and not sell their bodies for money? Or should I break up with her? Love the show, Toda, love Paul Bildus, 21 male.

Okay. Wow. What do you think? What's your gut reaction? First thought. The first part of it, I agree, $500 to make out with someone. If he also knew about it, it just be kind of like, it is kind of almost stupid not to. It's just free money for something that doesn't really matter.

Baby, why don't you do it and we'll go out to a really nice dinner. That's cool. If you use the money for the greater good of the relationship. Yeah. I don't know. The sex part's weirder because I mean, $500 doesn't seem like enough for that. If you're getting paid to have sex, I need it to be more than $500. It's also like the idea that she only wanted to do it with a stranger made less sense than

doing it with someone she knew. Right. That was a sort of a turn for me. Yeah. So she's like, I want to be a prostitute, not someone who fucks friends for money. I don't know. Just seems weird. I don't know.

But yeah. Well, she wouldn't have to see the stranger anymore. It's sort of like a nice way to make a quick buck. Yeah, that's true. It's not weird and like the among, I mean, I don't think any of this, I think the, like, it's not going to happen. So we should just not worry about it. Yeah.

He shouldn't break up with her. Yeah. What world does he worry? Like I've seen some porn that starts off with like a guy giving girl money to have sex with them, but that's not real life. Right. I think this guy has like $500 burning a hole in his pocket and he's like tempted to use it in this way.

Just, just as a weird test. Yeah. So girls are into it. Yeah. It's like the Zappos thing. You hear Zappos offers their employees, new employees, $5,000 to quit and then. No. So it's like, oh, we only keep the ones that really want to be around.

Wow. We did a video about that. Like I first date, I slit slide $500 to a girl like, I'll give you $500 to leave and she just instantly takes it and walks away. So maybe this guy's doing that. He's like some sort of eccentric billionaire. But he's like, he's basically saying my, my girlfriend is one dare away from cheating on him.

Yeah. Not dare though. Money scheme. Are you with a lover? Not. Okay. Yeah. But imagine last time you were with a lover.

Yeah. And somebody offered you, whether it be your lover or somebody else. Stop saying lover. I just want to know if you're with a lover. Well, I do think I would. It's a, it's a sensitive subject to bring up to someone because you're, you're daring them to hurt your feelings a little bit. Like it's kind of like just being like, who, who of our friends do you wish you could have

sex with? Like you don't, you don't want to know the answer. Really don't. And you definitely don't want to know the lowest amount they would do it for. So like you should have just started at like a really high number. Like, all right, I understand. $10,000 to fuck someone. Yeah.

It's going to say 10,000. Yeah. It is not. 500 is low. The make out thing though, that really doesn't seem like a big deal to me. That one I feel like he should not care about. Making out for you is just like hugging. What friends does he have that are like throwing this money around?

Like what scenario exists in his mind that this girl gets approached and offered them? I would do it. What? I would do it. I would absolutely do it. Jeez man. Just to shake shit up a bit. Like the Joker.

Let's see what happens. Maybe she's offended by like the premise of the question and she just is kind of fucking with him. Oh yeah. Maybe she's smarter and better than you. No, that's not possible. This guy is perfect. I love that he ends, he's like, this has gotten to me extremely.

He did say he was teasing her. Right. So maybe she's teasing him back. Also he's 21. Mm-hmm. I feel like he's being dramatic. Oh. Like it feels like, I don't know, maybe if you were like married to the person or if it

was like really seriously should have been either a long time that could be more offensive. Yeah. But it sounds like it's not that big of a deal. She's young. She's like in college or whatever. She's like, yeah, she'll, that 500 bucks is free money for. $500 is a lot of money when you're like 20. Yeah.

Totally. I remember when I was- I'm so glad we're all older and richer now, like 500 doesn't face me. I honestly- I need more to fuck a stranger. Oh, 504 at least. I remember when I was in high school, I like was joking kind of with my girlfriend about having a threesome and she joked back that if we were going to do it, it would have to

be with another guy. I was instantly like, oh, you're disgusting. How dare you? Like this is something, he opened this door. He said $500 to kiss a stranger. You better say no. I would do it. What?

Horror. He's like, you made it happen. Why a woman? It's his hypothetical. The second she answered his rhetorical question, he got offended. So specifically, am I being a diva for thinking that she should have some moral basis and not sell her body for money? It's kind of an overreaction.

Feels like he knows what he's saying. Yeah. That's a very loaded question. Or should I break up with her? Two very extreme options that he's giving us. Yeah. It's a multiple choice where we don't want to answer either one. He just has to relax a little bit and not take it quite so seriously.

I don't think she's going to- I bet if Push came to shove, she probably wouldn't have sex with someone for $500. Yeah, no. It's scary. You got to wonder, though, if somebody did that, if you were in a relationship and somebody offered your girlfriend $500 to kiss somebody. If I was in a relationship and a girl way hotter than my girlfriend wanted to kiss me, I might do it.

They're free. Yeah. It's just- No, but if she said I'll do it for $500, would she be okay with it? I was with somebody and she said, somebody is offering me $500 to kiss. Yeah, you're like at a bar and like- Well, I have enough money that I'd be like, I'll give you $600. I'll match.

I just want, yeah, I just want exclusive right to match. I want first matching. You have to take it all to me. I have right. First refusal. All right. So chill out, dude. Yeah, man.

Come on, bro. Turn on the couch. Come on, Paul. Yeah, what kind of name is Paul too, dude? What an idiot. And build this? What is that? Like what?

What? I realize they never really introduced you. I just said your name, but people don't, what if people don't know who you are? How could they not? How would our fans know you? We have a lot of like mutual buddies. Yeah. I mean, they might know me from, I do a podcast on the Ear Wolf Network, might know me from

Comedy Bang Bang, or my podcast with special guest Lauren Lapkis, or they might know me from Orange is the New Black, or Jurassic World, or I'm also an actor. Ever heard of the most popular movie ever, you guys? Yeah, I was in that. Yeah, I'm in it, you idiot. No. Your pro is really funny in that movie. When Jake Johnson goes in to kiss you, yeah, it's great.

If you guys haven't seen Jurassic World. No spoilers. All right. Something funny happens in that movie. That's a good one. Isn't that funny? Imagine if you heard that line three years ago, your little part in Jurassic World is really funny.

Jake Johnson tried to kiss you. It seems like a dream you had. Yeah, no, it definitely seems very fake, but I lived it. Where did they shoot it? In Hawaii and New Orleans. Oh, shit. Where in New Orleans? What part?

We shot at a NASA. Oh, that's right. What'd you call it? Yeah. That's dope. That must have been cool. Like a real NASA. Yeah, we had to get NASA clearance.

Like I had to get like a card that was like a NASA approved thing to go in. That's the coolest. And then it was just literally like a soundstage on the NASA base or whatever, which just seems weird. Yeah. And like they're doing something really important over there and then right here, like a fake behind you. Here's all the scientists figuring out how to get to Mars in case the planet gets too

hot. You go play with the dinosaurs. There's a fake scientist here. There's a chimpanzee and a chair spinning around very quickly. Please ignore that. All right. Give us another guy's name. Oh, okay.

I'm going to have more fun this time. Whoa. Bartholomew. Nice. You did have fun. Yeah. Let's dial it back. Okay.

Bart. That was actually good. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Bart. Last time. You did not.

Oh, dare you. Simpson. Bartholomew Simpson. What an unfortunate name. What an unfortunate name. His parents didn't want to get. Don't call me Bart, please. All right.

Bartholomew writes, Hey guys, I wrote it a little while ago, but my situation got a lot worse. Whoa. To summarize, I'm in college with a tight group of five friends slash future roommates. I have all, sorry. I have had a huge crush on one of the girls since we met and she recently ended a long term relationship. As it turns out, she's into me as much as I am into her.

Here's where things get messy. We went on a date, of course, and think and are crazy about each other. Everyone else in the group finds out and they are furious. They are being passive aggressive in person and online and saying repeatedly that we're going to quote ruin the group. We don't think that at all and are hurt by the lack of support. Honestly, we just want to be happy and excited about the new relationship, but they're making this miserable.

What should we do? Am I in the wrong? Thanks. Bartholomew. All right. Okay, Barry. He's ruining the group, unfortunately. This is a nice little break from the last question because the last question, that guy

seemed like he was in the wrong, but this one, I think the group's in the wrong. I agree. I think there's, what kind of thing is like, you're ruining the group. They're ruining the group. The group could have a couple and they're all mad. Most groups have a couple. I don't get why people feel upset about this kind of thing. Who cares who anyone's dating or what they're doing?

I really don't care. Ever. About anyone. It's very rare that I'll freak out over someone dating someone. I just don't really care. Right. It might be interesting for two seconds. It's like, oh, really?

They're together? Okay. Whatever. Yeah. It doesn't affect me. But you don't feel like their relationship might do something. It's not going to hurt me and my friendships. This is like a microcosm of people who don't want gays to get married.

You can't do that. You're ruining the group. America. But you two being together will ruin something for me. Yeah. You're like, how? Because I don't want to know that. Now I know it.

Yeah. Maybe it's that being uncomfortable with like, because when you're a group of friends, you all feel kind of like siblings and it's like a weird thing when two people hook up because you're like, we're not like that with each other, we're friends. Like if my brother was like, oh, I'm hooking up with our sister, I'd be like, oh, okay, I can see that's a little gross. But I'd get over it. Yeah.

Well, you'd have to. This stuff happens all the time though. Like whenever there's a group of guys and girls, everything's good. And then inevitably, like two people hook up. So I understand that everybody's a little anxious like, oh, well, there's a break up and we're not going to like all hang out. But it's true. The group dynamic is over now.

It's already happened. The two people fell for each other. That already interrupts the, these are future roommates he's talking about. Or at least that's what he called them. So maybe he's worried about that. Oh, they're all going to live together. That's what they say. The guys and the girls.

How about that? It seems like a recipe for disaster already. That's a little too new age. That's actually our new show on Fox, recipe for disaster. Oh, that's really cool. So we should all be chefs. What? We're chefs who are living together in culinary school.

Yeah. And it's September 11th. But we don't know anything. 2002. Right. So it's fine that we don't know anything. So it's not about like the relationships going around. No.

That was a huge national traffic. Yeah. It's a much bigger deal than what you think it'll be. Oh, cool. That actually does sound pretty dope. I'd watch that. It's just so convoluted. They didn't, like the TV networks didn't have time for a rom-com and a disaster TV show.

And they're all like bread chefs. So when it's like things go awry, it's spelled like A apostrophe, R-Y-E. And then like the posters everyone adds seeds, little seeds in this rye bread. That's cool. And the moods go awry. Yeah. Right, exactly. And it puts everyone in a sourdough mood.

Oh, no. That's good. Yeah. That's good for the alt-poster. Like if we want to like market this abroad, like we're trying to think like four quadrant. Where will this play? China, India, of course. Thinking something with like a roll.

Yeah. Oh, you're still thinking of bread. They were finally on a roll. Oh. Suddenly, dot, dot, dot. That's real. Yeah. They were suddenly on a roll.

Dot, dot, dot. Suddenly things went awry. And one person has to step up and be a hero. Sandwich? Yeah. Yeah. Well, it also could be a subway sub. It's like a hero.

Yeah. That's good. Yeah. Sorry. We're so over time. So did that help you? Anyway, the group's good. I think, yeah, we both think, we all think.

I think it's safe to say we all think that your friends are wrong. Yeah. Do you ever experience being this or seeing it in your group of friends? I've personally ruined many of them. Any group we've ever been in, I ruined. I've hooked up with guys, I fucked girls, I've ruined my relationship with my own parents. This is how you make friends in college and stuff. You meet one group of people, you ruin it, then you go on to another.

You are the video game rampage. You go from city to city destroying things. I guess I've done the thing where I dated someone in the group and then we broke up. And then now the group has kind of separated a little bit, like where it's like, oh, they hung out with him and I wasn't there kind of thing. Yeah. But then you just go like, whatever. I don't know.

I just don't think it's that big of a deal. This could also be the love of your life and you'd be giving it up to be friends with some people you won't even talk to in two years. That's very true. They could end up being married and then looking back like, remember when all of our friends thought we might ruin the group? That's their best man speech. So you're continuing to ruin the group.

I can't stand the way. You're wasting it with a glass of champagne. The death of the group and the beginning of your beautiful life together ruins the group. If you guys have a baby, the group is going to be forever changed. This happened in Friends. Yeah. Did Chandler and Monica ruin the group? Did Ross and Rachel ruin the group?

Or did they make that group? Yeah. They ruined it. They ruined it. Chandler and Monica were good, but Ross and Rachel did affect the group. How about when Rachel and Joey tried to date? That was not a group. Yeah.

That ruined the show. Ruined. At that point, they were just like pulling two names out of a hand hoping for the best. Who would be the weirdest duo of friends hooking up? Phoebe and Ross. Yeah. Phoebe and Ross, didn't they almost hook up in like one of the flashback episodes? Oh, I don't know.

What about Phoebe and Chandler? That might be the weirdest. Yeah. He's so type A. Is he going to do it? Which is my other show. Yeah. He's so type A.

It's a guy, a typing teacher. Yeah. He works at a blood bank. Wow. These ideas are great. All right. We're going to take a break and then we'll be right back with more Lauren and Jake and me, I guess.

Cool. We'll put it in an ad here. Okay. Can you leave this and do? This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place and it's

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Everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you. Squarespace and we're back. Where were you born and raised? Oh, wait, let us guess. Do you know?

I do have a guess. I have no idea. I have a pretty good guess. Yeah. Well, I have a narrow down to two states. Okay. Really? What are they?

Illinois and New York. Oh, okay. My mind is Oklahoma. I'm not going to narrow down. Well, that is such a fucking stretch. Fuck you for some. You're right. With Illinois or New York?

Illinois. Is that right? Yeah. That's crazy. Illinois. I just have that vibe. You know, I was born in Chicago and raised in Evanston, Illinois, where Northwestern University is.

Yeah. And then I lived in Chicago, went to school in Chicago, DePaul. Maybe that's what I'm thinking like you're a Chicago comedian. Yeah. And I started there with all my stuff. Do you know Tim Baltz? Yeah. Is he the best?

He's one of the funniest people ever. Yeah. Cool. So we agree. Everyone should watch him on bajillion dollar properties on CISO. Are you on that? It's really funny. I did a guest spot on it, but he's a regular on it.

He's great. Yeah. I feel like I should see it. Didn't you do a voice in animals? Yeah. The fish? I did a pigeon and a dog, but my friend Mary was a fish. That's what it is.

Because Mary and Tim did that scene with the fish. Yes. Yes. Got you. Were you at the premiere? Yeah. Oh, me too. Oh, sweet.

This is the part of the show where we plug other people's projects. Animals is so fucking funny. It is really funny. I guess we're all tangentially involved in animals, so that's okay, but let's try to keep it on brand. Okay. The bajillion dollar thing, we aren't in that one. I was just helping Tim get noticed.

Yeah, I liked him. Tim's great. So then from Chicago, you went to New York? I did. Yeah, I lived in New York for a little over a year. So you did all the comedy scenes, Chicago, New York, and LA. Yeah. And ranked them.

Okay. Hotest dudes. Hotest dudes. Your face dropped. They're all medium, you know? They're all comedy. It's just medium across the board. It's hard to compare, actually.

I would say that. Not talking about hot dudes anymore, but I would say. They're all sexy. They're all so sexy. I just love them all. But I do think that they offer different things. I think Chicago's a really good place to start because it's really about the art form. Yeah.

And then New York is a place to get experimental and live it up a bit. Oh, shit. And then LA is a place to get a job. Get your shit together. It's been eight years. Are you going to fucking do something with your life? You're still in Chicago for Christ's sakes. Yeah, nobody ever goes the other way around.

I started in LA and now I live in Chicago. Yeah, it's not there. Does that ever happen? I think it does from time to time, but it's the best place to get your training. So even if you're from LA and you want to go get really good training, I would say. So in the beginning or in Chicago. Yeah, but if you're already establishing things out here, it makes sense to keep doing that. So if you're already in LA, just stay.

Those are the three. Is there a fourth city? What's the distant fourth? Detroit has a second city and they have a whole deal over there. Detroit. That's cool. Yeah. Wow.

I think Tim may be from, or maybe not. Tim Robinson and Sam Richardson, they're both from there and they're both really talented guys. I guess it's like where the most people went to high school, it becomes the fourth city, which unfortunately is Los Angeles. What do you mean? Los LA is third and fourth? That's right. All right, cool.

Your Netflix special. Yeah. What is it? When is it? Why is it? When is it? It debuts March 11th. It's on Netflix.

Go watch it right now. You can just go to netflix.com and sign up for an account. What do you sign in? Who doesn't have a Netflix? You already have one, everyone. Right, of course. If you don't have one, then somebody else's Netflix account is already logged into your, everyone's got it.

We're all good at this point. So what's it called? It's called The Characters. This is a series of eight specials. They're all sketch comedy specials and each one is done by a different alternative comedian. And they're basically like, Netflix like gave us each free reign to do whatever we wanted with three minutes. So they're very different and fun.

Oh, so every episode is a different human. Yes. So yours is just the Lauren episode? Yes. Wow. Is it all like on stage or is it like five different, wait, first of all, is it five different characters? You can do as many as you wanted.

I think I have six in mind. I'm not sure right now, but. And they're all different sketches or is it like you on stage? It's different sketches, like on location, like different, like, places. Like, there's some through line to mine and, but each person's is totally different. So I haven't seen them all. So I don't really know what that, I mean, by this point that you're listening to this, I will have watched them, but.

Yeah, totally. No, I'm totally going to get around to watching them. No, I mean, like, first of all, like I want to. Aside from you, who are you most excited to see? Well, I'm just. Who's the hottest other guy? You're just obsessed. I just want to know who's the hot guy.

And if they're hotter than me. I will say everyone involved is very funny. Except about all of them. I'm not just saying that as like a, you know, cool. They found the right game. Yeah, but John early in Cape Berlin, each have specials and they're both so funny and friends of mine. And I love them.

So I'm really excited to watch theirs. Cool. Hell yeah. Yeah. Sketch comedy. Yeah, man. It's fun. Yeah.

First Netflix round of doing that. Yeah. So how do people find it on Netflix? Netflix. Yeah. And you go to the characters. The characters. And you play a rat in a pigeon.

Yep. That's amazing. I feel like you're being typecast. I'm always playing pigeons. Cause you were that in Jurassic World too. Yeah. I was a rat. Yeah.

That works for NASA. That Jake Johnson tried to kiss. Yeah. It was so weird of him. Everyone was like, why? Why is he doing that to that rat? Do you have time to answer a few more questions? Sure.

Hell yeah. What time do you have to leave? I have to leave at two. Nice. What's the rest of your day looking like? So do we. Appointments. I have to go do a thing at the YouTube space later.

Oh shit. Out in Venice? Yeah. It's so far. It is really far. You should leave now. Okay. Great.

If you have to be there tomorrow, you should leave now. Yeah. It's this thing called Vox. It's supposed to be kind of cool. They actually, all the interviews I saw were like with like Obama and like Bill Gates and stuff. But they're doing stuff that's lighter. Barak or?

Yeah. Barak. Yeah. Or Malia. I just call Malia Obama. Do you see that thing about Obama and how she's going on over there? With Malia Obama, that'd be a really kind of like nice way to hint that you hang out with the president.

Yeah. I was with Obama. His daughter. Still pretty cool. Very cool. All right. Relax. I'm just saying, Malia's cool.

Yeah. Dude. Well, who's Bernie Sanders' daughter, dude? He only has a son. That's amazing. How old is he? I saw a picture of him and he looks like he's not a lot younger than Bernie Sanders. Oh really?

He's actually 94. Oh, it's Bernie Sanders. 73. Oh, really? 73 or 74. That's interesting, actually. Yeah. Like you want that guy running the country at age 80?

I mean, he's already seen that. He would be the oldest president of all time. What would happen if a president got dementia or something? Would they have to be usurped? I think they would probably, my guess is that they would like be pressured to resign. Yeah. I think that happens with like Supreme Court justices who are usually, you know, they have like life terms.

Yeah. But if they sort of like see their mind and their health fading, they'll retire. Yeah. The problem is Bernie's running mate, I think he said he was going to choose his uncle. And Richard Sanders. His uncle is a wee bit old. His uncle is 112. 95.

Yeah. He's not like the good 112. Actually. He's like the guy where it's like, oh, it's noticeable. I'm about to bring something gross and unfortunate, but here I go. Is it teeth related? No. I saw in news article yesterday that about a 94 year old man who molested two children

and he got, he's going to face possibly 60 years in jail and like, what are you doing? It's like. Yeah. You know, just in case. Like it's just like, you're just done. Like you're in here now. You die in jail. You're like, it just seems weird to even give it a number.

And also like weird to commit a crime. It probably helps him to feel a little bit better. Not that he deserves to, but he's like, well, I didn't get a life sentence. It's only 60 years. I feel like if you commit a crime when you're older than 90, you should just be dead. Like they should just make you dead. They should kill you. That's penalty for 90 and above.

There's not really much we can do. You live the full life. What am I going to prepare? No, like you're pretty much set in your ways at this point. Yeah. And you did have a whole life. We're going to cut you short. Yeah.

Also, do you think there are a lot of really old people in jail? I feel like that's not only a thing you hear about, but like that must be so strange. Like they have to get care and stuff like that. That's a cool piece of trivia to know. Who's the oldest incarcerated person? There must be like 80 or 90 or something. Or the person who's been there the longest. Like if someone got life and they were really young.

Right. Like if he's lived in a jail for 70 years, 75 years. It would stop. But that does have to happen. What would I do to deserve that? But like, do you start, you know, people think just like getting hot meals and stuff like that costs money. But yeah, what if people like full on need medicine and shit?

Right. Like if people change their diapers. That's why I think they just don't deal with it. And they just let them suffer. Yeah. Capital punishment is real bullshit. The jails are privatized. I mean, you guys know, everyone knows I'm a cruise candidature, right?

What is his policy? I'm not 100% sure. He wants to press the button that'll lift up all the gates on jails. Let the prisoners back in. I think he probably supports something like bringing back firing squads or something. That makes sense. That's cool in a way. Yeah.

All right. We have a question from a lady. Finally. Oh, I've been wondering if that was going to happen. It's about. Oh, never mind. It's a guy. Nope.

No. Yeah. It's just a really effeminate male. No, it's a female. Do you have a female's name? Pena. And her last name? That's cool.

Colada. Wow. I love Pena Colada. If you like Pena Colada. Boom, boom, boom, boom. Someone's phone is on. It's mine. Oh, that's.

Oh, yeah. Oh, this is so. Right. Insane. Miss Colada. How are you? Holy shit. She's calling.

No, no, no. It's mine. It's mine. Oh, okay. I just hear the signal that goes travels through the microphone out of Jake's butthole into the microphone again. Excuse you. Oh, wow.

It's like a farting static. That's enough. You're embarrassing me on air. You're embarrassing me on air. And you're putting on airs. So stop both of those things. All right. Pena Colada writes, my boyfriend is into the thought of me sucking another guy's dick.

He's never had. $500. Cool, man. He's never had. Nice. He's never had any of his exes do this and I've never given a guy a blow job who I wasn't in a serious relationship with. What he wants me to do is to give a guy a blow job while filming it and then I'll send to

my boyfriend the video. I'm fine with this. The only problem is I don't know how to go about it. I've lost my virginity to my current boyfriend and I've given him. I've given a blow job to a previous boyfriend but never hooked up with anyone or even kissed a guy that I wasn't dating. How do I meet a guy to make something like this happen? And should I tell him the video is for my boyfriend or just lie and say it's for myself

so he's less uncomfortable? We are both 18 and I can't drink until we're 19 so I can't meet anyone at a bar or anything. Any advice would be helpful. PS, if it helps, we've been in a relationship for two years, monogamously the entire time, and our long distance. Oh. A lot of curve balls in there. The long distance thing makes more sense as to why he wants this video because he just

watched her. Yeah, it's like, I want to watch a porn starring you. Yeah. Sure. I want to meet a guy to blow. Yeah, that does not seem hard. How long ago did we get her 30 guys live? How long ago did we get this email?

We got it February 28th. I wonder if she's done it yet. I hope there's still time. You have to not do this. What? She's 18 years old and she wants to send a guy she's dating a video of her blowing somebody. That's not the question.

Do not do that. How to get the blow. That's not hard to come by. No pun intended, but I do really feel like she should not do it. I think that it's not a good idea to have a video of you doing that, especially if somebody you don't trust. The videos with somebody you don't trust, and I mean, you trust your boyfriend, but like, you're going to maybe not be together always, and he'll have this video of you and

you were young. And when you get older, that video will always exist. It's like the Kim Kardashian thing. We're like, that worked out for her, but like, we're not all that lucky. Trust me. I have a sex date with Ray J, too, and nobody wants to see it. So this would be your advice, even if a guy wanted to have a videotape of his own lady. I just don't think it's necessarily a good idea at this point in your life.

If you were, and I don't mean to be like, ageist or anything, I just feel like if you were older and making that decision, there's a little bit of a difference there, but it feels like something you're kind of being peer pressured into. It's not your idea. Yeah. That's a good thing. You don't necessarily find this hot. If you're doing this to please this guy, I feel like the maximum, maximum, and I would

even do this is like, you could blow a dildo. Blow a dildo. Oh, a dildo, right? Yeah. There's porn where there's like clearly a fake dick and somebody blows it. That being said, don't do it. Not even the dildo. I don't think that this is...

No, that'll be embarrassing to you later. It's going to come out. Someone's going to get their hands on the tape. What's the next iterate? Like her eating a carrot. What can we give this guy? Suck a baby carrot. Can she suck a baby carrot or would you also say no to that?

What about just doing it on Skype? Oh. How do you have this on a video that you can keep? So she's blowing a guy on Skype. No, no, no, not that. But I think it is possible to capture, do like a screen capture on Skype. So as long as she knows that this dude isn't downloading any ridiculous technology to make sure that he has this video forever, maybe it's...

I mean like... You know what? Here's what I think she should do. Start from the top. If you really want to do this for this guy, I think it should be in person. The guy's there in the room. He watches it. He can jerk off to it forever the rest of his life.

Yeah. He'll have a mental image. And there's no video. Wow. That's interesting. So it's like a live theater. And it's safe for you because you're with someone you don't know but your guy's there or whatever.

I just feel like there's... That's a harder play. Can... Yeah. Anybody can convince a girl to blow a guy. Yeah. Can you convince a girl to blow a guy with their boyfriend in the room? Yeah.

That happens all the time. That's what Thrender is. Thrender? Yeah. Thresa... It's Tinder for Thresa. Holy moly. I never heard of this.

Really? Yeah. Oh, shit. People are into all kinds of kinky stuff and it's all great and everybody should be into whatever makes them feel good as long as they're not sending illicit videos to their boyfriends because that shit, dude, I mean... He's gonna show his friends. There's just something about it.

I just don't think it sounds good. Yeah. It doesn't. And I've sent pictures of my penis out there in the world and so I'm not like saying... I don't know. It's a little bit of a hypocrite, but I'm still gonna say... Was your face in the pictures? Sure was.

Yeah. And that is the question everyone asks and the answer is always yes. It was not a good one. Yeah, but your face wasn't in it, right? It was in it. The face was in it. I also have an identifying tattoo. I assure you it was my penis.

Next to my dick was a baby carrot to scale. So we're not even gonna give her advice on how to find the guy. We're just gonna say... I don't think it would be hard to find a guy. If you put your feelers out there, you're gonna find someone who wants you to suck their dick. I just don't think it's a good idea. On camera to send to the boyfriend?

I don't think it's that hard. Don't you think a lot of guys would just do that? They wouldn't care? Yeah, we'd do it. You would do it? For sure. That like, can I blow you, take a video and send it to my boyfriend? Well, I would probably try to talk them out of sending the video to the boyfriend.

Just because that's my dick. Well, yeah, because I don't think that... I think that's a pretty dangerous move, but... Doesn't it seem like it's too risky? Like you wouldn't want to be involved up in that? If I could shoot it, like if I'm not like my face is in it, I know I learned my lesson. The iPhone has to be attached to my chin. It's funny how I was so against it, so I thought about like me getting a blowjob and I was

like, oh, actually, this is a cool idea. Yeah. Wait, what were you saying? I feel like that would be a better way for the guy to get is having the, he's holding the camera. The POV. So it's like a great view for like the boyfriend. He doesn't have to see the other guy's face.

And the main guy gets to feel like he's in control of like a porn. What if she doesn't? It's a black guy. It's... I've been picturing a black guy the entire time. These aren't... It's not three black people. No, it is.

All right. I think Lauren's right with the POV angle. That guy, then he doesn't like... Nobody knows who... Now you're directing the video. I would love... What you want to do is get a shot or a shot. Let's establish it a while.

Lapkis is directing. I was going to DP. I'm not the DP you're thinking of. Yeah, I need this credit. I need to get in the DGA, baby. And your deadline announcement for the Netflix. You know her from Jurassic World and that porn where a blue got blown by a girl. All right.

This was a fun one. That was a good question. A lot of layers. It was an onion, which is why we're all crying for the future. Thanks for coming on the show. Oh my gosh. Thanks for having me. Thanks for answering questions.

Thanks for helping advise. If people want more Lauren Lapkis, where should they steer their eyeballs? You can follow me on Twitter at Lauren Lapkis or Instagram. And that's it. You snapping? I just downloaded Snapchat. It's time. You got it.

I know, but I'm like, I cannot figure it out. I don't know why. I was there six months ago. I was there. Yeah. I don't even get how to do anything. I don't. I actually just don't get it.

It's a little scary because every time you take it, my brother taught me and I was like, I took a picture. I was like, well, I don't want to put that on my story. Can everyone see this? Who sees this? Yeah. There's a lot of pressure. Yeah.

Once you do, I feel like that's the next move. Yeah. Follow me on Snapchat. I mean, I haven't counted. I just haven't done anything yet. What's your name on Snapchat? I think it's Lauren Lapkis. I'm not very creative.

Cool. No, that's branding. That's good. Early adopter. Oh yeah. Yeah. I got there before another Lauren Lapkis. Literally not another one in the world.

Is it really not? As far as Google says. Really? Yeah. Is there another, I guess your family, but is there a non-family Lapkis? I think I'm related to all of the, will you say, Lapkai. Oh, very nice. Anybody I phone online is a relative of mine somehow, so I don't know.

That's cool. That's a fun thing you say at family reunions, right? Yeah, the Lapkai. Yeah. It's just you and your uncle. Yeah. Cool. So, if you have your own questions for us or your own theme songs, the email address

for everything is, if I were you show at gmail.com, we'll be back next week with more stuff. The opening theme song was written by Josh Friedman, and this closing one was written by Rob Jehan, Jehan, J-E-H-A-N, how would you pronounce that? Yehan. J-E-H-E-N. J-E-H. Jehan. Wait, how do you spell it?

The second half of the podcast is let's try to pronounce this name. Jehan. Jehan. Rob Jehan. Rob J. Thanks, Rob J. Thanks, Josh Friedman. Thanks to you guys.

Thanks, Lauren, for coming. Bye. Thank you. We'll be back next week. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Still here, aren't you? Oh, you are getting a, you are a sneaky little titmouse. You love it. Constantly looking for more cheese. Well, guess what? We have a nice little hunk of swiss for ya. Uh-uh-uh, not so fast. First give us your credit card number.

What does it start with? Come on, just the first four digits. Four-three-one-one. Okay, we're getting closer. We wanted to remind you guys one last time about Lonely and Horny. Yeah, we wouldn't push it so hard if we weren't really proud of it. And if we didn't want people to see it, because we think our fans will like it as much as we do.

And if you want to get that coupon, you want to get the discount, you don't want to spend the full $15 on this new web series, which has ten episodes of roughly nine minutes each. We understand. But there's a coupon code for you, and it's horny, and that'll give you 15% off your pre-order. You can save a little bit of Skrilla, folks. Your pre-orders mean that you'll get to watch the show, which we're really excited about. It impresses the higher-ups at Vimeo, who had no idea we'd be able to pre-sell that many.

Yeah, which bows well for a season two. And by the way, I'm open in every single snap. I get sent with the confirmation, been getting a lot of those, loving them, the tweets with the confirmation too. It's great. And there's so many people who have pre-ordered, but so many people haven't yet, including myself. I just keep putting it off.

If enough people pre-order, you will pre-order. So let's say you're in front of a computer right now, you've been putting it off for weeks and weeks and weeks. It would be really helpful. And we'd be very thankful if you were to pre-order Lonely and Horny at LonelyAndHorny.com. We bought the domain, LonelyAndHorny.com. I think we'll be back on Thursday this week. So don't miss us too much, because we're only gone for three more days.

And thanks for listening. We'll be back soon. Peace. That was a hate gum podcast.