If I Were You - 21: Quick Characters

Episode Date: March 25, 2024

In this episode we try to come up with 50 characters and 49 states.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. This podcast is brought to you in part by Audible. Every year offers us the opportunity to get closer to the best versions of ourselves. No matter where you are on your well-being journey, Audible is there for you. They have an ever-growing selection of stories to inspire, sounds to soothe, and voices that have the potential to change your life. Sometimes we need a little encouragement to truly spark change in our life.

If you need something a little more than someone simply telling you to be more positive, check out Don Miguel Ruiz's The Four Agreements. He dissects how people impose limitations on themselves that rob them of true joy, and provides a simple-to-follow code of personal conduct to start living life more freely. Get closer to the best you with Audible. Explore a wealth of well-being titles like bestsellers, new releases, and exclusive originals. Listen now on Audible. Now here's one more effort for only positive motivations, they swear! Second!

Another pocket! Second! Each F different from the last! Second! It's the Swiss Army Knife of Shoes! Now let's meet your two emphatic hosts! Second! Meet you two emphatic hosts Sadness Okay.

If God had a name, what would it be? Follow up. Would you call it his face? Right. So if it was like Mike, would you go up to God and say, Dan, Ryan, Hey Dan, or would you say your holiness? I think if I knew that God's name was Todd,

or Trevor. Yeah, and Todd we trust. Yeah. God is Todd. Yeah. Do you know Todd is God? Todd unfriended me. Yeah, I'd probably say Todd, sir.

Yeah, sir at the very least. Todd, your holiness, Todd. I think I Todd, sir. Todd, your holiness, Todd. I think I might drop it. If you saw the president, you'd say Mr. President, and he's not even God. Right, exactly. He's just Joe. Yeah, Amtrak Joe.

Yeah. From Hannibal Moe. Just a song. Anyway, this is segments, podcast, ever changing, ever evolving. Even as we talk, we don't know what's gonna come up next. No idea. That's the beauty of improv comedy.

The first segment is a surprise to you, the viewer. That's right, we know what it is. Right, of course. Carefully scripted down to the last period. Yes. This one was actually tweeted to us a few times, but most recently by our friend Al Jalil.

Dear friend Al Jalil. He's kind of a day one, right? Yeah, true day one. Been to shows, we've met, we've chatted, we talked, we discussed, and he tweeted at us an idea. He gave us a ride from the show to back to our hotel in DC, I believe. Of course. Yeah. to back to our hotel in DC, I believe. Of course.

This is Al Jalil on Twitter says, can y'all bring back quick characters from the OG days at CH for the segments podcast. Right on. So he's referring to the first video we ever shot together. Which is a bit that we did when we were just hanging out together. Which was I would create a character

and I would tell you how to act. Yeah, which is a great, great premise. It's kind of like an improv game or something. Yeah, really nice stuff. That we invented. That's right. Who's line is it anyway, style? This could be a TikTok trend.

Correct. It really could be. Instead, we recorded it on a shitty camera and posted it to Vimeo. And this is from, Casey, if we can pull it up, this video's from April of 2007. April of 2007 I believe you said that was like 17 years ago. Yeah right around 17 in April it'll be 17 years. Not bad. To the day. Not bad. A child born on this day is old enough to vote illegally

in this country. Quite illegally. Yeah. Which is a really big problem actually. Exactly, I voted twice last election. That shouldn't happen. And so that will tilt the election in California. Yeah, it should. I tweeted my vote a thousand times in Georgia. So that completely changed human history as it were. I think voting twice should be fine.

Well, I said all of our problems would be solved if smart people could vote twice. Yeah, I mean, that would completely tilt society in our favor and shouldn't smart people get to vote twice. They know more. Right. Yeah. But they have different, they don't have lived experience necessarily. Well, they're so smart.

They could have lived experience. They could, but they don't. Well, they're so smart, they could have lived experience. They could, but they don't necessarily. Like I'm not smart, but I think I- You'd get one vote. I would, yeah. And I think I want two. Yeah, of course you think you do. Because right now, I have one,

but it's not even worth shit. I never vote. And I don't care about it. Or if I had two, then I might actually be inclined. Because I have- Vote one for each. Yeah, that's true that it cancels each other out and I don't have to worry about things.

Well you vote in California, New York, your vote borderline doesn't matter at all. That's fair. That's fair, yeah, yeah. And you're incorporated in Delaware. That's right. And that also is such a foreign. I also have, I'm registered under several deceased names

in Virginia. Yeah, and that doesn't count at all either. Doesn't count. Alright, let's take a look at Jake and Amir quick characters from April 23rd, 2007. This will give us an idea. Where I create a character and then I...

I look good. Alright, I thought of a good idea. I like the haircut. It's kind of just all the same length everywhere, yeah. Where I create a character and then I put the camera on Jake or he creates a character and he puts a camera on me. Guy who didn't, who just didn't get a raise but that somebody, the amount of the raise that he wouldn't get it. So he's a little disappointed from a career standpoint, but he's still gonna get the money from a friend. What if I put the camera on you? from a career standpoint but he's still gonna get the money from a friend

what happened the camera on you interesting love the shirt what happened bullshit really didn't get the raise. But... You... Held me $1,900. It's a raise for $1,900. I'm gonna bet. Nah, I was just kidding about that. I bet you that I wasn't gonna get a raise. I'm just repeating the premise.

I have to call my wife. Write me a check. I have to call my wife. Just write me a check. I have to call my wife. $1,500. Okay. All right, we can cut. I think we got the gist. Yeah. So I wrote some characters for you,

you wrote some characters for me. We're hearing them for the first time. So I remember the quick characters just being like on the phone or like, you know, almost a monologue. Yeah, we're like, we're acting opposite each other. So we can engage. Exactly. All right, good.

Okay, so can I start with one to give to you? Yeah. Okay, so this character is guy who is discreetly, guy who is discreetly asking for a dildo at CBS because he spots his ex-girlfriend nearby and doesn't want her to hear. So I could be the guy that you're like, can I ask you a question?

So I'm stalking a show. Yeah Excuse me, do you have any dildos? I'm going to be I just noticed Cindy. Okay, so you didn't get I got the dildos out so that we've established what the game is I got the dildos out so that we've established what the game is Excuse me, do you sell dill? Oh shit. Do we sell what? Do you sell dill? Do you sell dill pickles here? Yeah, there's a grocery section Okay, and can you can you come with me down the hall cuz they're usually behind the lock and key not the pickles Yeah, the pickles. That's like awesome. You got teeth lightener

Hi Sydney Cindy Oh hi Yeah, good to see you you look good. What are you here for? I was getting pickles and actually need you to help me with the razor There's a razor over here. That's behind the key Yeah, we need help all right. I got a call for someone else I want to talk to you. We need a dildo key I'll say hey, there's Cindy. Oh my God, you're so disgusting.

I'm a little perfect. You love that, didn't you? Didn't you? You're gonna stick that pickle up your ass, aren't you? Cut. All right, pretty good. All right, I've got one for you. Okay. Let's see, which one of these do I want to use?

Guy wanting his money back after a tanning bed incident, but you don't want to say what happened because your penis was burned off. Okay. Hey. Hey, welcome to Tommy's Tanning. Yeah, I was here yesterday, remember? Oh yeah, yeah.

I had, I asked you a bunch of questions before I got on the bed. Uh-huh. Righteous. I was hoping to actually, I don't know if you're the manager or the talk. Oh man, I'm not the manager. All right, I wonder if I could talk to a manager.

One second. Gary! Hey man. Oh, man, I'm not the manager. All right. I wonder if I could talk to a manager cuz second Gary Hey, man, I'm Gary. I'm the manager. All right. Hey, Carrie righteous Gary. I Gary right So I came here yesterday to use the tanning bed and I think I need a refund You don't offer refunds. You're looking pretty tan, you're looking pretty good. I think you got your money's worth. Righteous. Everything was crisp.

Everything was crisp. Nicely. Nice. Except for, and I did ask about this pre-tanning, and I was assured that it would all be fine. And it was all fine. Look at you, you look great. I look great. You look sun-kissed, you're a golden god, man.

I noticed when I got home, part of me was burnt to a crisp. Part of you was. And it's not a part of me that you can see at all. You're gonna have to show us some, we can't just go off of your words. Everybody that comes in says they got a little burnt, they want their money back. I don't wanna flash you, but you'll have to take my word for it. You can't just go off your words. Everybody that comes in says they got a little burnt,

they want their money back. Where do you have to be given? I don't want to flash you, but you'll have to take my word for it. I don't think I can take your word. My phallus was, it was like, it turned to stone. Like it turned back and saw them in the horror

and it saw something. You're gonna have to whip it out. And it, yeah, like in a nuclear blast turned into. You got Ken dolled by the bed, yeah. All right. All the way to my- You have to, me too. Oh my God, everyone's a eunuch here. All right, cut.

Nice. Two characters deep. So far they've all been more perverted than our original ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Guy who does a Donald Trump impression for the first time at a eulogy for his girlfriend's cousin.

At a eulogy for his girlfriend's cousin. So they, you're with a girl. She invites you to a funeral. And they want you to talk. Okay. And then this is your one opportunity to bust out a Donald Trump impression for the first time. What can I say about Kevin that hasn't already been said?

I don't know why it was his time for God to say, you fired. But oh my God, what was that? I'm just, it's a euphemism for death. Sometimes they bury you six feet deep, sometimes they bury you in China. So far into the earth that you're basically in China. Um. And.

And. And. And. And. And. And. And. What was the issue?

All right, good, yeah, that was a quick one. All right, that was a quick character. Yeah, exactly, quick character. Okay, actually I have a wake related one as well. Oh really? But why don't we do something different actually. Used car salesman who wants to sweeten the deal by selling his soul along with the car.

Okay, so I'm the salesman. Yeah. So yeah, I mean, it still drives great. These cars were made so well back then. Yeah, yeah. So it's a 93 Toyota Celica, which they don't even make anymore. It was my first car was a Toyota Celica.

So, you know, I mean, I can give, I could let you drive off the lot for $3,000. Yeah, that's a good price. It's a good price. I obviously, I gotta think about it. I'm driving a couple Celicas. I might check out a Tercel. If it helps you, I can sweeten the deal.

I will. Sure, yeah, what can you do? The 3,000 is, there's 240,000 miles on this car. It still drives great as you saw. And if you can handle the stick shift, then it's no issue at all. Yeah, it did jam a little bit. But I'll also, if you're interested in bargaining,

I can make you an actual Faustian bargain. Really? I mean, if you can just lube up the shifter. It's not about that. It's about throwing something in to sweeten the deal. Obviously, it'll cost you a little more than 3,000, but for 3250, I'll include. So it's not really sweetening.

Increasing the deal. So it's the car plus the warranty, and I will also throw in to have, for you to have. Go ahead. All of me, my soul. So you would own me in perpetuity going forward. You are your soul. My soul.

So you would have. I drive off with the car plus the warranty and then. Plus the warranty, and then we'll also register it with the DMV, I'll give you my soul. And your everlasting soul. And yeah, you can just have that. So I will be sort of an empty vessel, and you can take that and cash it in. If you believe in heaven, I don't know if that's a thing

that sort of gets you off, but you basically have two souls for the price of one car. And then you'd also get the car. Right. Would you throw in an air freshener? We have a deal. Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! It's not that good of a soul, because I'm just like a used car system. Yeah. Okay. Guy who's talking to his accountant and hoping to deduct many many dildos that he bought

At CVS, but his accountant is also dating his ex-wife Got it So yeah, I think that's everything did you make any charitable donations charitable donations? Charitable donations? You could say things were donated to me, to inside of me. Listen, Todd, I didn't make any donations, charitable or otherwise. Okay, so that's it.

I mean, you owe basically 15.50. 15.50. Unless you have any like... Well, I have some stuff basically $15.50. $15.50. Unless you have any like... Well I have some stuff I could write off. Oh great. We did food, we did dining, did we do anything for entertainment? Entertaining clients, we could say.

Yeah you said, well I see there's a receipt for one McRib, but is that a client dinner? Well it's one McRib, well, I was on a Zoom, Todd. I don't like the accusatory tone. No, I'm just trying to get you down to a number that's totally palatable. I don't know what Sydney or Sydney said about me, but I'm on the level.

I appreciate it. And I don't like- And I do appreciate you still coming in here. You've got these sideways looks with me, Todd. I'm just wondering how to get your total bill down. Yeah, like you're trying to uncover something. You're just wondering. Fine, you know what?

I did make a charitable donation to the NRA. Have you ever heard of that? That's fine. Yeah, that's great. I don't necessarily agree, but yeah, we can write that off. Very right wing, and yeah, whatever the opposite of Planned Parenthood is, I donated to that too.

I see that, yeah. Okay, so that takes, that lowers your bill. That's nice. That's great Okay, well I also Cut a 14 foot dildo at CVS. That's right 14 feet So yeah that I don't know if that's a write-off because would you say you're professional? Yeah, yeah, right it against what I didn't get it. I didn't try it off, because what'd you say your profession was? Is it not? You have to sort of, yeah, write it against what you were living.

But I didn't get it. Then I didn't get it, Todd. What'd you say your job was? Maybe it is related? Dildo explorer, yeah, I see that here. I thought that was a joke. My job is a dildo. I guess you don't know anything.

My job is a dildo, man. I'm a human phallus. Is that what you wanted to hear? Is that what Cindy wanted to get out of me? All right. I also have a- Dildo related. An ex-related one actually.

Yeah. Okay. Guy who wants to enter an open relationship, but you have broken up with this girl already three years ago. So we're not together anymore. I take her out to dinner to catch up. You need to ask her back out

and suggest having an open relationship in the same meal. Yeah, this was awesome. It was so cool to see you and to, I feel like it's kind of in a weird way a first date again. You're right, Amir. Yeah. Well, it's not my name in this world. Yes, it is.

Thanks for the, I feel like I don't even remember. Thanks for getting us shared, Blumenfeld. Yeah, don't call me that. I don't even remember why we broke up. Neither do I, Am'm your bloomer. Help. This is crazy to say, and maybe the wine talking.

Yeah, we already went out a few times. So you know what, my name and my credits, I guess. You're funny. Thank you, you're funny too. Would you ever be down to date yet again? Or is that kind of like a weird situation? That's a cheeky question of yours. Because we did date before.

I could give it another shot. Okay, yeah. But why don't we make this one Irish? What? As in Irish, it was more than just the two of us. What are you talking about? I'm talking about you, me, and everybody we know. You're crazy.

Well, you know about open relationships, right? It's the idea that you're in a relationship with someone but you're not really in it. Blumenfeld, what are you asking? I basically wanna be with you and also have the ability to date others if that's okay. You're sick! Why are you breaking my heart again? I'm asking you a question. Let's do it. Yes! Okay, guy, oh this is another date. Okay.

Guy who just asked his 29 year old date to guess his age and she said, I don't know, 46? Okay. I'm having a lovely time, Sheila. Yeah, this has been fun. Oh man, you make me feel young again to be in our 20s. I'm sure you're young again. I'm not as young as I look.

Really? How did you guess my age? I don't know, 46? I'm actually 30. What? What did you say? I was going to say 48, but I thought that'd be insulting, so I think 46. Why don't I guess your age?

I'm 29. You're 50? As long as we're guessing way over? As long as we're just trying to hurt each other? How old are you? I'm 42. Okay. Four years.

Yeah, I was way too close. years. You guessed 50. That was way too close. 46. Way too close. You do look like you're older than 46, by the way. That was me being polite. I would say you look 58. Let's get the check. I'm gonna get dessert to go,

and we're gonna go Dutch on the bill. Yeah, how's your back, by the way? It really hurts. These minimalist Scandinavian restaurants where you sit on a stool. It's not exactly The hip flexors are tight, oh the lumbar is at us. Yeah, can you crack my back sweetheart? You're John Goodman Right Come back, sweetheart. You're John Goodman. All right. All right. I mean, we have more, but why don't we call it a segment now?

Leave them wanting more. Yeah. We can always come back. Yeah. It's fun to come up with the characters. Shout out to Al Jalil for throwing us back in the mix. Good segment. Thank you for the inspiration.

Thank you to Babel for sponsoring this episode of our show. Gracias, Babel. Very good. I don't know if you know know this Jake, but I'm already bilingual really yep I grew up in a Hebrew speaking household Ken Ken Ken the mod T of lead the bite That means I learned Hebrew at home the best way to learn a language is through immersion Yes But if your parents aren't actually from a different country and constantly speaking to you in that language how do you immerse yourself? You're not gonna get immersed folks. The best way to do so is by using Babbel. Babbel. It's a science-backed language

learning app that actually works. You don't have to pay hundreds of dollars for tutoring okay? Yeah. You can just spend 10 minute lessons that are handcrafted by 200 language experts That help you start speaking a new language in as little as three weeks incredible I need this because you know I already got the Hebrew. I want to go French. I want to go Spanish You should go full French. Let's go full French on your ass Let's French Let's French Bonjour indeed French. Let's French. Ah, bonjour indeed.

How about a special limited time offer for our listeners? Right now you can get 55% off your Babbel subscription. But you gotta go to babbel.com slash segments. That's 55% off babbel.com slash segments. Spelled B-A-B-B-E-L.com slash segments. And segments is spelled S-H-A-N-M-S-L-N. You are illiterate in English. Yeah.

So I say throw English away. That's not going to happen for you. Whatever. I'll go full French. Go to Italian. I'll go Italian. Go to German. Yes, I will go to German.

And I'll meet you there. Yes, guten tag. Thank you. Rules and restrictions may apply indeed, but again, you can get 55% off at Babel, B-A-B-B-E-L.com slash segments. Love it. Ciao. Adios.

Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Yes. We're still ranting and raving about Squarespace. Always, we'll never stop. Because it's still the best way to make a website. It's only gotten better. Yeah, and as humans, we've gotten dumber,

and now we can make websites, design them, code them, everything looks super professional, and we don't have to know anything. I recently launched my website on Squarespace, actually. And do you know how to code? No! Do you know how to design? I barely know how to use my phone.

I smashed it against my face and was able to launch a website. Yes Holy smokes you can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. That's right. Like for example Harkfark H-A-R-K F-A-R-K dot Harkfark dot com interesting Yeah, sort of an homage to that old website Fark. Yes exactly Hark. It's Fark. That's really good Mine is heart fart, but fart is spelled F-E-A-R-T. No way. The same way Hart is spelled.

Did you come up with that at the same time as I came up with Hark Fark? I feel like I came up with mine first and then Incepted you in a way. I guess so. That makes sense. So if you guys wanna buy Hark Fark or Hark Fart or anything,

as long as it's available, you can do so with Squarespace. All you gotta go is to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. And you put in your information there, and when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code segments. Segments. To save 10% off their low, low prices.

Nice. Again, that's squarespace.com slash segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain Using that offer code segments segments. Thank you, Squarespace segments All right, we're back Okay, here's a game that's been played before but I thought we can put a new segmania style slant on it seg mania That's right. Yeah, you know the whole like, it's hard to just write 50 states and remember them all?

Yeah, I remember we played this at CollegeHumor at one point. Yeah, and like invariably you'll forget one or two. Right. So I said, why don't you try to name all 50 states and see if you can get all 50. You are sort of a state enthusiast. You like capitals, how many states you've been.

So you think you can get 50 out of 50? I've driven across the country six times. I've visited 49 of 50 states. I feel like this is within touching distance for me. So how about this for the bet? Yeah. And it's a little Faustian, so tread lightly. My soul fruit.

Yeah. If you hit 49, that's a push, neither of us win. Okay. 49 states, that's to be expected, that's the line. Yeah. If you get to 50, I lose the bet. I'll do like, I'll sing a song. Yeah.

If you get 48 or under, you lose the bet, you sing the song. Okay. But we gotta put a time limit on it. I'm also gonna say, I think 49 and 50. Count for a win. Yeah, 48's the push. Interesting.

No, cause... Or there's no push. So 49 is what? Yeah, 49 is I win. Basically, it's an over or under. Yeah, you want it to be 48 and a half. So 49 or 50. But I don't want you to get 49 states win. Basically, it's an over or under. You think I won? But you want it to be 48 and a half. So 49 or 50. But I don't want you to get 49 states,

you can't think of the last one, and that's a win for you. That doesn't feel like a win for you. Well, with the time limit. Yeah, the time limit's a wrinkle. And you also have to remember with this hundred tweet business, I forgot to negotiate. Yeah, so now you're-

Do you remember that a couple weeks ago? Yeah, you learned your lesson. Yeah, I've learned my lesson. How about this? You're trying to make it extra nice for you. I have to actually get all 50, which you just said is basically, let's negotiate this Faustian bargain. Yeah. But if you want that 49 victory, you can't see the list. No, I want

to see the list. Yeah, you do want to see the list. So I think if you see the list, you know what, maybe I don't want to see I'll do no, I'll do no list. Okay, so Casey, write the list. Yeah, you do want to see the list. So I think if you see the list, you know what? Maybe I don't want to see it. I'll do no, I'll do no list. Okay. So Casey, write the list, but we're not going to put it on the board. Got it. Or we could put it on the board. You can't look. Yeah, fine. Okay. Put it on the board. Jake cannot look. 49 is a win, but you can't like, you'll just have to list states. Yeah. And is there a time limit? Let's give me a two day time limit.

Two days, okay. That seems long. And a 40 state heads up. 10 minutes? Okay, 10 minutes. 10 minutes is a nice chunk of time. Yeah, really it'll be like you getting 44 states in like two minutes and then like trying to remember.

Yeah. And I think you, what I'm hoping for is that you won't be able to remember what you said in a fever dream like in the first 30 states. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Okay, so are you ready? Casey. I'm ready. Are you ready, Jake?

Yes. And we are starting. Oh my God, you're already. Shit, where is Hartford? Let's start where I'm from, Connecticut. We'll hit a bunch in the northeast, why not? So Connecticut, New York, New Jersey, the Tri-State, we've got Massachusetts, Rhode Island.

Boy, hold on, Jesus, he's trying to type pretty fast. Massachusetts, Rhode Island. Connecticut, New York, New Jersey, that's all we got so far. Connecticut, New York, New Jersey, Massachusetts, Rhode Island got so far. Connecticut, New York, New Jersey, Massachusetts, Rhode Island, you can use the abbreviations, R-I, et cetera, et cetera. New Hampshire, Vermont, Maine. I've already said New York.

Yeah, I'm feeling really confident. M-E, okay. The fact that you said New York again makes me really confident that you won't get to 49. Because you're repeating yourself. Let's go Pennsylvania, Maryland, Delaware, Virginia, West Virginia. Delaware, Virginia, West Virginia.

You gotta get more though. It's gotta be more than D. He's just writing C. This is fucked. This is fucked. I'm on it, I'm on it. I'm on it. You gotta get more though. It's gotta be more than D Fuck I'm on it. I'm on it. All right, Ireland by the way, I should have been worrying about the list. I got There you have to increase the time limit. Oh, you're still you got plenty of time. Maryland is MLB. Okay, just do D. Yeah Kentucky Kentucky, Tennessee Kentucky

By the way, you can probably write the whole state at this Casey and you forgot West Virginia. Oh my good lord North Carolina NC South Carolina SC, yeah, Georgia, Florida, yeah, Georgia, Florida. GA, FL, yeah. Alabama, Mississippi. Alabama, MIS, just go for the fun. Arkansas, Missouri, Louisiana. Missouri, Louisiana.

Texas. Texas. All right, now we're sort of fulfilling that Southwest area. You're halfway home, 25. You're at 25. Two minutes. I said Missouri already? Yes.

Okay. Oh wait, did he? Yes. That's M-I-S, isn't that Mississippi? Mississippi, Missouri. I've said both. Okay, so say both. Okay.

All right, then let's go ahead move Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Michigan, Nebraska, Michigan, Nebraska, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, and Minnesota. Oh, Iowa's up around there. Michigan, Minnesota, Iowa. Let's hit them with Idaho. Let's hit them with South Dakota and North Dakota. North Dakota's the one state that I haven't been to, folks. Iowa.

He did Iowa as well. Iowa, South Dakota. I think he already did South Dakota. He did? No, he did South Dakota. He did? No, he did South Carolina and North Carolina. Yeah, okay. This should be like added time for sure. This is like injury time.

You got three minutes, so you have seven minutes to go. Okay. Wait, North Dakota is the one you've never been to? Yeah, I've never been to North Dakota. Capital is Bismarck. Kansas, Colorado. Kansas, 37. Colorado, 38. Arizona.

39, Arizona. Wyoming, Montana. Wyoming's 40. Montana, 41. All right. Wyoming, Nevada. Nice, Nevada, Nevada. Nice, Nevada 42. Interesting, California.

Has he not said Cali? Wow. Oregon, Washington. 45. Oh man, Alaska, Hawaii. Oh, so you're at 40, you need 48, Alaska, Hawaii. Oh. So you're at 40, you need 48, 49, 50. You've done 47 in four minutes. Yeah, and this is, there we go.

This is the tough part. Yeah, I was like, now what in the fuck did I miss? And without looking at the list, it's seemingly really hard. I'm picturing just the states in my, try to picture them in my head. Yeah. Kentucky, Tennessee, I feel like I must have missed something over in the middle.

Can you make the list smaller in cases so I could see the whole thing? Oh, did I say Nebraska? Yeah. Damn it. Nebraska, Illinois, I said Illinois too. Yeah, you said Illinois, Indiana, Illinois, I said Illinois too. Yeah, you said Illinois, Indiana, Ohio. All the red monopoly properties.

Pennsylvania. I think the low point was when Casey wrote D for Delaware. That was a sad moment for all of us. Okay. All right, then we got the border, the border states, there's Washington, goes into Idaho, goes into Montana, then North Dakota.

Yeah. Then it's- The one state I haven't been to, folks. Wisconsin, Minnesota. Uh-huh. What else is in that rust belt right there? You said Wisconsin, Michigan, Minnesota I'm trying to think if I can name the ones that are missing maybe it's in that south that's that southern zone

Louisiana Alabama Mississippi Louisiana, Alabama, Mississippi. Mmm, shit balls. Six minutes, by the way. You have four minutes left. I have four minutes left. Three more states, not just one. Right. Yeah. Okay, let's just go in through these regions again. New Hampshire, Maine.

Is there one up there? How many listeners do you think are like, oh yeah, you forgot these three states obviously. I guess if you're from these states. I said Vermont. You did, yeah, early on. Yeah. I'm trying to think.

I thought you missed Colorado, but you got Colorado. There's a state. Oh, wait, that four corners. Arizona, Colorado. Oh, New Mexico. Did not say New Mexico. That's 48. So two left. Oh, wait, actually, just one for the win.

Yeah, because you have 49 is a win. Wow. Seven minutes. You have three minutes left three minutes left to come up with the one state But I mean the list I even look at the look They're looking at the list is actually worse. I think I'm trying to just picture the state. Yeah But I want you to like go guest states that you've already guessed. I wonder if I said Oklahoma. No, I haven't, have I? Did he? I don't see it.

Did you? I haven't said Oklahoma. I don't see it. Wow. 49. Should I try for 50? Try at this point. Two minutes left to get to 50.

Or should we spend two minutes figuring out what song you guys sang? There's one state missing. I don't even know what it is that I'm looking. What's above Oklahoma? Man, I really don't know. I don't know what it could be. Do you know what it is, Casey?

The final state? Yeah. I'm trying to name these states that we already said. Yeah, that you put in. KT? I believe KT is Kentucky. Of course. Yeah, it has to be, right?

There's no other K. Yeah, there's not. I can't think of any other. I'm hoping to God there's a state here twice. Well, there's a state here twice. Well, there's this mystery MI I have here at 21. I think that's Missouri. Michigan or Missouri.

One was Missouri, one was Mississippi. Yeah, then there's Michigan, Mississippi, Minnesota. And I already said Montana, I already said Wyoming. It's in that zone, I think it's in the Midwest. It's the Kansas, it's the Colorado, it's that New Mexico zone. Yeah, somewhere in that time zone. What's this state that's right above Texas?

And that's what made me think of Oklahoma, because it's got the panhandle. You're at nine minutes right now. Right around there. There's something right around there. Let me zoom out of Google Maps. I'm just looking at a map right now to see if there's a state that I haven't heard yet.

Yeah, I wonder if there's like a chance that I set all 50 in case he missed one early on. It could be very fair, very possible slash likely. Yeah. Can you see anyone that I'm missing? Oh. I think I might know it. Yeah.

I think I don't see one state. Interesting. Now that I look at a map. Give me a region that it's in. in one state. Interesting. Now that I look at a map. Give me a region that it's in. It's in the mountain time zone. So the one that's next to the Pacific time zone. Interesting.

Are you thinking of the same state? I think so. Not too far from here? From here? Yeah. Like in the grand scheme of America. It's closer to California than New York. Yeah, it's closer to California.

It is next to Colorado. Unless I can, I don't see it. But I think, yeah, I think this is the state. All right, you can tell me. What state do you have, Casey? I believe it's Indiana. Oh, no, he said Indiana. Oh, he said Indiana? What do you have? Utah. That's Indiana. Oh, no, he said Indiana. Oh, he said Indiana?

What are you out? Utah. That's right. I forgot Utah. You missed Utah. One of my favorite states too. Damn. Any doubles here for the last ditch effort

slash hope to God that I don't have to sing a song? No, there are no doubles there. Yeah, this is all. It's a pretty meticulous list. Damn, I wish I got that 50. Why is it so hard to get 50? I guess invariably you forget about one. If I was filling out a blank map of America, no problem.

Yeah, obviously, because then you would stir it and outline as Utah. Yeah, for sure. All right, good job. Sadly for me, I still have yet to- Why don't you stand up and sing? Why don't you take your pants off and sing the Star-Spangled Banner? Cause I did an M.O. 50.

Really glad I negotiated for that 49. That was good. I thought that not seeing the list would trip you up. Like how can you possibly have it all in your head? Yeah. No, I actually think not looking at the list was better for me. Like you would have not seen.

Because looking at the list, then you just like, you're distracted. I keep on looking at like Tennessee and I'm like, God damn, what else? Like you're thinking of Tennessee. All right, what song should I sing? We've got it in here. Johnny Cash, I've Been Everywhere, man.

I don't know if I know all the words. No, you can sing one of your, why don't you sing that song by Mika. That really hard song? That's really hard to sing. Gene Kelly? Yeah, I don't know if I can nail all of the parts of that. I mean, Mika, Grace Kelly.

Grace Kelly, that's right. What about what if God Was One Of Us? That's sort of easy. And we started the episode with it. Right, but you have to try. Yeah, I have to try. That's obviously you have to try. Yeah.

What If God Was One Of Us by Joan Osborne. Joan Osborne, good shit. I really like this song, but the lyrics were weird. Okay, ready? This is One of Us. Oh, One of Us. By Joan Osborne. Cool.

Because One of Us got 49 states. Not quite 50 though. All that mattered was the 49. I got the W, that's what I got. All that mattered was the 49. I got the W. That's what I got. If God had a name, what would it be and would you call it to his face? If you were faced with him in all his glory, what would you ask if you had just one question? And yeah, yeah, God is good. Great.

Yeah, yeah, God is good. good and yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah what if God was one of us just a slob like one of us just a stranger on the bus trying to make his way home. Great, great song. I like that you're giving a lot of energy. If God had a face, what would it look like and would you wanna see? If seeing meant that you have to believe in things like heaven and in Jesus and the saints and all

the prophets and yeah yeah God is great and yeah yeah God is good, and yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What if God was one of us? Just a slob like one of us. Come on, give it up. Just a stranger on the bus, trying to make his way home Back up to heaven all alone Nobody calling on the phone

Okay, except for the Pope may be in Rome nice That's it and yeah, God is great, and yeah, yeah, God is good one of us, just a stranger on the bus trying to make his way home. Nobody calling on the phone except for the Pope maybe in Rome. Thank you. I've never sung. I mean, I sing along with you every time. Cause it looks fun. It's awesome.

What a weird song. Yeah. I like it a lot. It's more actually good, but lyrics are kind of weird. Kind of, but now it's kind of, I thought the second verse was really interesting. Would you want to see his face

if it meant that you had to believe? If this is a Christian song, I like it a little less, but if it's just asking an interesting question, I think that's kinda fun. And what would you ask if you had just one question? I would ask why Amir Blumenfeld can't seem to catch a break. I guess I don't know who that is.

Fuck! Next client. I have another one! About my soul! Down to hell. Thank you to Rocket Money for sponsoring this episode of our show. Oh yeah!

There's no greater feeling than canceling a subscription. Yes. Because it means I'm paying you no more. Kind of like how I owed you a thousand bucks. Yeah. And I just canceled that debt. Yeah, I said no more. No more.

It's like a legal version of that. Yeah. And it's kind of hard to track down every subscription you're paying, which is why Rocket Money makes it so easy. Nice and simple. That's right. It's a personal finance app that finds

and cancels those unwanted subscriptions, then monitors your spending and helps lower your bills so that you can grow your savings. Yes, they're saving people billions, billions of dollars. With a B. Yeah. Well, they've saved that majority because they have over five million users. Wow. Holy smokes.

And they're saving so much cash and canceled subscriptions. An average user saves $740 a year. That's really good. When using all of the apps features. Beautiful. So why don't you stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash segments.

Segments. That's rocketmoney.com slash segments. Put in. That's RocketMoney.com slash segments. Put in your information there, they find out where you're wasting your cash, just literally thrown in the way. And they help you cancel those and save money for the future. Gorgeous.

That's RocketMoney.com slash segments. Segments. Thanks RocketMoney. Thank you to Joy Mode for sponsoring this episode of our Joy Mode. Nice. That's right. Let's talk about sex for a second. Are you okay, Jake? I know you're kind of a prude. Yeah, I'm very uncomfortable right now.

You're religious. You think this is an off-topic conversation, but I think it's kind of important to talk about sexuality. I have a stick up my ass, yeah. You're prude. Yeah. You're absolutely prude, but I don't care. That's just me. I have a stick up my ass, yeah. Yeah, you're prude. Yeah. You're absolutely prude, but I don't care. I'm gonna power through because Joy Mode is a sexual performance booster and it's all natural.

My God, man. Yes, it's all natural and science-backed as a supplement to give your situation down there all the tools it needs and nothing it doesn't. I see. The way it works is that you mix this wonderful concoction with six to eight ounces of water 45 minutes before sexual activity,

and honestly, they say you can watch the magic unfold. Oh, very hot. I mean, sex is already great, so can you imagine sex plus six to eight ounces of water plus this joy mode? Yeah. That would be insane. I mean, the joy that would be mowed it,

I can't even imagine. Yes, it supports blood vessel support, cardiovascular and heart health, athletic performance. Ooh. Imagine going so fricking long, you need to take a supplement that supports athletic performance. How dope is that?

Yeah, yeah. That's hot. That's athletic. And yes, general erection function. That's hot. That's athletic. And yes, general erection function. What are you laughing because I said the E word? That's funny to you. This isn't ninth grade.

We could talk about having a boner without giggling. Yeah, I'm not. Hey, I'm actually pretty funny myself. Hard on. And I have a hard out, so It's actually pretty funny myself. Hard on. And I have a hard out, so let's get out of here. Let's go to usejoymode.com and you get 20% off with code segments at checkout. Okay, love it.

That's 20% off and free shipping with code, use, J-O-Y-M-O-D-E.com. Okay. Thank you, Joy Mode. Thank you. ["Handsome"] All right, we're back. Yeah, that was fun. Let's make a U-turn.

Oh. Last segment, same as the first. I got some quick characters left in the tank. Okay. I didn't empty the clip, as the kid said. Yeah, I love it. I got some more for you. All right, hit me.

Guy who has nine questions about the mixed greens at a really fancy restaurant that may or may not even have mixed greens on the menu. Okay. Yeah. I see. Are you guys ready to order? Yeah, I think so. Sweet.

Go ahead, Sidney. No, you go. Go ahead, Sidney. No, you go. Go ahead, Sydney. No, you go. I'm gonna do the swordfish with the mixed greens. Sweet, and do you know what you want? Sorry, one second. Does it come dressed?

I think it's like olive oil or... Can I do the dressing on the side? That's two questions. Yeah. What's the mix in the greens? is the mix because it says they're it's just like doesn't even say mixed greens it's just like salad salad yeah it's a really small like so you said arugula feel it yeah guaranteed arugula? I can double check, but I... Can you go... Sorry, go ahead. Go ahead and finish. I apologize.

I was cutting you off. Yeah, I think it's arugula, but I'm not sure. It's really just a small little scoop of leaves. Well, it costs $14, so I think I'd like you to be short. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm such an asshole. Sydney, I'm just... It's a joke, because it's a mixed-punctual salad. I'll have the gnocchi.

Yeah, she'll have the gnocchi, and we'll split the salad. It's not really salad, it's more like mixed greens. Mixed greens, so it is mixed greens. I'll do the mixed greens, let's do arugula. Oh no, you don't get to order, you do not get to order the leaves. Is that all the carbs?

Yeah, it's really, it might just be parsley, honestly. Eight pieces of arugula. No, you don't get to order. You do not get to order the leaves. Is that all the carbs? Yes. It's really, it might just be parsley, honestly. Eight pieces of arugula. No, it's not that. Four pieces of romaine. As long as I can choose the exact mix. And it will be mixed, yeah. Iceberg, baby spinach.

Great, all right, I'll be right back. Cavager! No, not cabbage. I've got one final one for you. Okay. This one is, okay. Slam poet hired to perform a mass layoff at a fortune 500 company.

Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, Todd Kyle. Appreciate you. Appreciation comes in all forms, shapes and sizes. Some people get a pat on the back. Some people get a pat on the back. Other people get a slap on the ass. Not me, I got a pink slip. Slip into something pink and interesting.

Getting hired, retired, and then fired. Nine of you will be let go today. As in, in a way, you're not gonna be working here anymore after today. I have kids, man! Sorry, I thought we were going to mute them. Say goodbye to your left and right. Your ride or die will be more than die than ride tonight. What about my medication?

You can't afford that anymore. America, land of the free, home of the brave. You guys are unemployed starting today I think that's it you guys owe me forty eight thousand dollars the one guy that was Promoted Actually, I have one last one about a zoom as well all right great Guy who's leading a 30 person zoom meditation When everyone in the city gets an amber alert for a stolen child and the license plate is his full name.

So your name is like Zach Paul and you're a famous meditation expert. And then during the meditation, everyone's like, eh, eh, and looks at their phone. Ducted child, blessed slave Zach Ryan. All right, so let's enter the ohms day. Ohm. Oh, yeah, I'm getting it.

We all silence our phones. The ember alert breaks through the silence. It's really loud. Why don't we all put our phones? The ember alert breaks through the silence. It's really loud. Why don't we all put our phones in another room? Or another room? Sorry, I have to ask. We're all kidding. Did you steal a child earlier today?

This is your- Earlier today I've been on the Zoom with you. Zach Paul is a really common name. But it is your specific call. Yeah. And it is your name. And I do see a cage in the background. And I'm gonna need you a cage.

Yeah. Really. I'm, that's for my dog. It's getting really hard to concentrate. Yeah, it is getting hard to concentrate. To achieve nirvana as you say. I'm gonna go ahead and mute you. Yes. Oh. Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and mute you. Yes. Oh.

Yeah, I'm not muted. I can definitely see an arm in the cage. Okay. I'm calling the police. Okay. I'm gonna send my invoice. Yeah. All right.

Okay. Great work. I think we learned a lot today. The characters were quick. The characters were quick and the states were slow. Yeah, 10 minutes. I'll never forget Utah. And I think we learned a lot today. The characters were quick. We learned a lot. The characters were quick and the states were slow. Yeah, 10 minutes. I'll never forget Utah.

And I apologize to you, Utah. Yeah. One of my favorites. One of the last states alphabetically. Yeah. And in order of when they were established. And in order of how many, how little Jews there are there. Do you think that had anything to do with it?

Yeah, how little the population is in general, I believe. Yes, yeah, it's very sparse. That's right is in general, I believe. Yes, it's very sparse. That's right. But it's naturally beautiful. Yes, it's majestic. You got Texas and California real quick, didn't you? New York, oh, that was just right off the bat. What is it supposed to mean?

Yeah, I forgot how you did that. Pennsylvania, Delaware, Wyoming, Wisconsin. You're trying to prove you can do it now? I just gave you all the answers. When you started rattling them off and Casey just wrote D for Delaware, then MI for Missouri, then you said Mississippi, and he's like, MI, I'm like, this is not gonna happen.

We're gonna be very confused in four minutes. But we got there, actually both of you did well. Yeah, I learned a lot today myself. All right, if you have any more segment ideas, let us know on Twitter, this YouTube video. We're obviously listening. Yeah, thanks for watching, thanks for listening. And if you want more of us, we're on Patreon,

Patreon.com slash J.A. We'll be back, of course, next Monday. Hopefully we're still in the lab together. Yeah, we will be. You borderline live here at this point. That's right, yeah. So we'll be seeing you next Monday. Ciao everybody.

Adios. That was a Hidgum Original.