If I Were You - 215: Prom Season

Episode Date: May 9, 2016

In this episode we discuss prom night, prom-posals, and prom-ises that were meant to be broken.This episode is brought to you by TheTracker.com, Squarespace, and BlueApron!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Jake Hurwitz, cool on the surface, deep down a monster, straight-running like a furnace. A mirror over here, calculating the likelihood of receiving some pussy because he's service like writing good and grandmas. Don't take that knowledge for real, because as they always swear, they're not experts in any field. A mirror's like Woody Allen in the button-up, heartache and jakes like Patrick Bateman, but he's funny in these arguments. So why are you still stressing over nothing?

Yo, yo, love it. That's actually fat. Yeah, sometimes intros make me feel really cool. And? And that one did. That one did too. That one was written by somebody who calls himself the dumbest genius, a cracker from the armpit of California who makes his own beats and raps and stuff.

If you want to hear more, Google Ben, the dumbest genius, the theme song is attached. And then what he did was he added this Gmail has their own emoji, and this one is the pinch, the little lobster Gmail. Oh, tight, tight, tight, tight. I like that. The dumbest genius from the armpit of California. Yeah. I love it.

Would you say you're the dumbest genius or the smartest dummy? Oh, interesting. Are you smart for a dummy or are you dumb for a genius? I think I'm smart for a dumb person. Yeah. And I think I'm dumb for a genius. Interesting. Maybe that's why we get along so well.

Sorry, I'm going to crack this beer open. Real close to the mic so everyone knows you're drinking it. Oh. Even though you already said you were. Excuse me? Careful. This is your... I'm so surprised that you're doing this.

This is unlike me for sure. It's only like at 6 p.m. and you. It's 6.42, which that's not the weird part of the beer. The beer, yeah. I mean timing, it's just, I mean, it's a little early to start pre-gaming. Yeah. But in addition to that, you've. You've never seen me.

You've barely ever had beer like when you're forced to, like when there's nothing to drink but beer. Right. I don't even know if you drink beer. I never start my night with beer. It's always like a healthier version of continuing to be drunk while still like not having water completely. Oh, that makes sense.

But you, I mean, also nobody, I'm not drinking. No one here is drinking. Yeah. No one's forced. This is the first time I've ever actively sought out a beer. You were like, I'm craving a beer right now? What happened? It was, one, I'm thirsty and so beer is a drink, two.

It's like Saturday at 6.40, so like the night's starting to set and I like, oh, maybe it'd be fun to have a drink during the podcast, but I don't want like a whiskey at this point because I can't have a whiskey while it's still light out. And then I thought it would be fun to have me drink this beer for the first time on this podcast. I do think you're not going to like that beer. That beer is, it's highly alcoholic. Oh, really?

It's an IPA. It's an Indian, it's a pale ale, I was going to say. Yep. And it's pretty, it's pretty bitter, pretty strong. Okay. It's an IPA. It's not an easily, but it is, it's a folks listening at home. It's a grapefruit sculpin, which is my all time favorite beer.

It's a ballast point, brewing co, grapefruit sculpin, which is a pale ale. It's a heffa wyzen, it's a full bodied, it's high on hot, it's hoppy, but it's not like dry. It's, okay. So here we go. I'm going to have a sip of it. Andamir's dead. It's awful.

Do you not like it? It's so salty. What? It's, it tastes bitter and salty to me. So you are really unhappy with that drink? Do you don't, you don't taste the grapefruits in there? I do, but maybe that's what I don't like. You know when you eat a grapefruit, it's super bitter.

Yeah, I like that. Yeah. It's that bitterness coupled with the bitterness of beer. I never acquired this taste. There's a sweetness to grapefruit too. Oh, it's so dry. This is my favorite beer of all time. Let me have a sip.

I don't. Oh my God. I love it. It's so good. You think you're tasting the same thing I'm tasting and it just, you recognize it differently? I wonder. I mean, because yeah, people taste like, what's that? They taste, what's that?

What's that? Fruit? No, no, no. Olive? Oh, cilantro. Yeah, cilantro. Yeah. Some people taste soap.

Right. And some people taste cilantro. Yeah. And that's not like I like the taste of soap. I just don't taste the soap. When I drink beer, I'm like, I don't like that it's bitter and dry and people are like, oh, I like that it's bitter and dry. Yeah.

Well, it's weird. I don't think I ever really taste dryness the way that some people do. I think that's a, I don't, my taste buds haven't evolved to that point because some people are like, this wine's dry. I'm like, well, it's still a liquid and it's in my mouth. Yeah. But does it make your mouth dry? Your tongue dry?

Pretty wet to me. I don't know. Like a vermouth? Like have you ever had a martini that's like olive juice and vermouth and it's just dry and sour? No. Yeah. Maybe I should just drink apple juice from now on.

Definitely get fucked up on that. So this is Saturday Night Edition of the If I Were You podcast. It's an advice show, an advice radio show of sorts. It's actually the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. And I'm Jake, aka The Pinch. So I was looking for questions earlier and you know, I kept seeing a common theme and I think it's because of the time of the year.

Oh yeah? Oh, prom questions. Love it. Kids, I shouldn't say kids, teens, 18 year olds, 17 year olds, 16 year olds are going to prom. High school seniors and some juniors. Yeah. And really cool sophomores.

Oh, oh, oh. We had like a junior and senior prom at my school. Oh, for 11th graders and 12th graders? Yeah, there weren't enough kids at my school. So. I'm sorry to hear that. Yeah. Now that I'm drinking, I'm old enough to have a beer, I feel like I'm old enough to be

able to give prom advice. Definitely. All prom advice should come from a 33 year old drinking beer alone at his time. Let's sit on my lap and ask me uncle Amir a question. Did you, did you go to your prom? I went to my prom, but I was very like, I didn't want to ask a girl out. I didn't want to date. You went stag.

No, I ended up going with two female friends of mine. Oh, so you went as sort of like a pimp. Yeah. At first I was kind of a loser, but then it's like, oh, Amir has two dates. He's really cool. That is really cool. Except without anybody thinking that other part. I was just like, oh, look at those three friends that went together because the guy

was too embarrassed to ask a girl out. I think I went to a baker's dozen proms. 12 proms. There was, my senior year I went to eight proms. And then where was the other five? My junior year. You really went to 13, a baker's dozen proms. I at least, yeah, I went to at least that many proms.

How do you go to eight? Well, I knew a lot of people from different schools. Sure. And I was a lot of people's back update because I was friends with a lot of girls. Oh, like if no guy asks you out. Yeah. And then, and lo and behold, the back update almost always was called upon. The hero that nobody needed, but they deserve.

So it was kind of fun, but it was also a little stressful to go to so many proms where I didn't know anybody. Right. So was it fun? Is it like going to a wedding where you don't know anybody? No, because high school kids are way, way less interested in meeting new people at their prom. Or do you go to a wedding and it's like, this is a fun thing.

Like, hey, we're all going to dance. I want to make a new friend. I want to hook up with somebody. But high school prom is really a time to be with your best of best friends. And then if you see someone you don't know or like, you'll let them know. It's very apparent. There's no being polite as a 17 year old. No, but I broke through a couple of friend groups.

Everybody's cool and nice at that age. All right. So here's one right off the bat. It's a lady. All right. Why don't we just go rifle through your prom dates that way? Well, we'll definitely have enough questions. Names for them.

So who is your first prom date? What was his name? Very nice. Dude. His name was Ryan. Oh my God. You're so bi-friendly. I love that.

Claire. Claire was your first prom date. Very first prom date. Junior prom. Junior prom. All right. Claire writes, Hey guys, I have a shallow problem, which is all prom related questions are shallow. So my granny surprised me by coming to stay with us for a few days.

Everyone else in the house knew except me. And that means she's going to be there on the day of the matric dance, the equivalent of senior prom. I really don't like having her here. She makes me uncomfortable. I am no longer excited about the dance. Am I just being a bitch? Can I do anything?

Do I just go get ready somewhere else? Thanks guys. Much love from South Africa. That's pretty neat. All right. Cheers. This might be our first question from Africa, the continent of Africa. Grandma coming to the house.

Can you do anything? Can I do anything about this? I mean, I'm not going to sit here idly by while grandma's here too. Can I do? Can I get ready around my grandmother? I thought she's going to be like, and now I can't go to the dance, but no. It's just the fact that the grandma will be there during it. And like her being there during the week is putting her in a bad mood and now she's not

excited about the dance. I barely even want to dance anymore because I'm in such a bad mood. I mean, what can I do about this? Okay. What do I do about my grandmother being in the house? Do you have anything that should make you more excited for the dance because it gets you out of the house? That's true.

When you are around family a lot, sometimes the break it feels more relieving. So when your grandma's there, maybe it's as you describe it, you really don't like having her there and she makes you uncomfortable, which is a mean thing to say about your nana. Yeah. She did birth your mother or dad. I don't know why she's no longer excited about the dance. The first question is, am I being a bitch? I would never use the B word, but she is being mean.

She's being a non-nice lady. Can I do anything? Can you do anything? Can she do anything? I think, well, you can always do something. You can always, that's a slogan that I live my life by. So at any given point, you can do something. But sometimes the thing that you can do is get over it because your grandmother's not

going to be in your house for a long time, also not going to be alive for a long time. So don't worry, you're still in the prime of your life. Focus on what's important, not the fact that your grandmother's just in your house, but the fact that your grandmother's on earth, which is nice. Baring that, I will say that old people slip and die by falling down the stairs all the time. All the time. What does that mean?

I'm not suggesting anybody murders their grandmother. Obviously. Obviously. Very good. So don't put words into my mouth. I would never. But I would say if your stairs are slippery, she has a top, grandma might lose her balance. If you grease the railing.

I can't even have you go walk down this path. I feel implicated. And I'm not even going to say. And I'm saying, actually, I'll go so far as to say, don't give your grandma a little hip check when she's near the top of the stairs. Even you saying don't do it seems a little bit like a subtle nod wink. Even if it's like one time out of 100. It's an SMDH shaking my damn head at the thought, at the emotion, at the very idea.

It's my face when MRW, my reaction when grandma spills down the stairs and lands on Bay. Yeah. Oh, I can't even imagine. Is no, no, no. Yeah. Show me the face and I'll describe it to people. Oh, yeah. So he's got, he's, it's sort of like a frown.

You're bearing your bottom teeth. Yeah. It's sort of like a face. Exactly. Yeah. Because she's basically, you know, sliding into your DMs. Yeah. This is like the bad way to do it.

Sliding out of your staircase. That's right. All right. Which is why we're not recommending it. Yeah. Do I just go get ready somewhere else? I guess we don't give a shit where you go get ready. You should still get ready at your house.

Grandma wants to see you. She likes to see the light of the youth in your face and your skin, the glow in your eyes. Don't deprive her of that. One of the most universal manners or rules, societal norms is to respect your elders. It seems like that is found in cultures across the board. Yeah. The struggle you're feeling right now must be universal because they had to make a rule

about it because everyone was probably mean to old people. Yeah. It really, that probably happened in the very second generation. They were just mean to the old people and the old people didn't even know what to do. They're like, everyone's mean to you when you're older. Well, what about the rule? You know, the rule where you can't be mean to me. Oh, I thought about that.

That's right. That's why the perfect age is 35 because you're the king of the adults. Everyone who's lived between the ages of zero and 35, you're at the head of that, but you're not so old where people are rolling their eyes when you walk in the room. Yeah. And old people are sort of like, oh, look at you and your peak. Yeah. You're so young.

35. I remember when JFK was 35, my God, what a smile on that man. What time? What's that? Did you say grandma? Nothing. All right. Get over it.

Get ready in front of your grandma. God forbid. Oh, no. The subject to this email was prom plus granny equal frowny face. But granny's not going to that you're prom, she's just near you when you are. She's not ruining anything. You're ruining granny. Wedding plus granny.

It's like anything plus granny is a happy face. Who's a leather grandma? Yeah. Get into it. All right. Here's another one. Um, guy's name. I didn't ever go to the prom with a dude.

Well, we can still give him a female name, maybe like one of those cool ambidextrous names. Oh, yeah. That goes either way. Yeah. Alyssa. Oh, that's like a cool. That's a cool guy.

He lies. He's French. Alyssa writes, I just asked a crush of mine to this year's prom. We're both seniors. I'm so excited to go with her. The one hesitation I have is that we haven't really talked or had classes together. We're old friends since back in fifth grade, but the type of friends that gives a smile

and nod in the hall. I want to have fun at prom with her. So is there anything that I could do to get closer to her before prom? Should I ask her out on a date? What would we talk about? Please help. Love. Alicia.

Elijah. Elijah. This is an interesting one. Asking someone to prom that you don't really know and going on a pre-prom date. Is that what kids are doing now a day? I wouldn't recommend that. You have to be friends with your. It's so much easier to just go with a buddy than to like go with a crush.

Did you go with friends or did you go with girlfriends? A little bit of everything. You did a mix and match. It was a mixed bag. Some of them were definitely like dates and a little more romantic. Some of them were strictly platonic friend things. Some of them were I had a crush and the other person didn't. Wow.

And some of them were that person had a crush and I didn't. And then one time I was engaged to the prom. Wow. You were engaged. I was engaged. You were fianced. I was a fianced. You were fianced that day.

I was a fianced. We did. Did you date you? We saved the last dianced. Oh, you dianced with your fianced? I dianced with my fianced. Was it a debutante? It was a debutante, fianced.

So it was you, your fianced, the debutante, you dianced with your fianced. In France. Oh, in France. Yeah. My prom was in France. In France. Marseilles. Niche.

So congrats on asking this girl that you barely even know. What are your thoughts on a pre-prom date? Yeah. Get to know her as well as possible before prom. But does it really matter? You'll get to know her at prom. What is the big deal whether you're like ... I don't know because it'll be sort of uncomfortable if you run out of things to talk about at

prom. Yeah. You don't want to get the first date fully out. What if the first date doesn't go well, then she won't want to go to prom? Well, that's a risk that you have to take. But also, what are you going to ... You probably have to sit down and eat a little meal. It's kind of uncomfortable if you don't know the person. I know.

What's the oldest that you can be at prom? I probably shouldn't go to a prom, right? Like I'm sure there's an email in here. Like as a chaperone, you could. Chaperone work, but like ... Sure, yeah. You just have to talk to ... I mean, you have to ... No, yeah. I know.

I was just thinking more of a holistic approach. Holistic approach. I don't think there's any other way. As a man about town. Oh, Christ. For me to be there. You want to go on a date with a 17 or 18-year-old to their prom. I want to be a date of an 18-year-old at a prom.

But you, I mean ... I'm sorry. I want to be the guy who takes ... I want to put a corsage. You want to go, okay. For a second, I thought you wanted to go with a group of guys stacked so you could walk around to all the trim that's there. So it'll be a bunch of boys and me. Yeah. Yeah.

Who's your uncle? Oh, he's not my uncle. He's this dude. We do get invited to prom. We got invited to a couple of proms on Twitter and Snapchat this year. Right. And then I hear about like, oh, like a Nicki Minaj shows up at this kid's prom and it's like this fun little moment for him.

But I feel like if I did that, I would get maced. Definitely. Maced and hosed. It does not go ... I don't think it goes the other way. Yeah. I wouldn't be on Yahoo News if I went to a prom. Well, you would be, but the title wouldn't be ... Amir Blumenfeld crashed the senior prom and it was amazing.

Silly internet comedian has a blast with his boys. No. It's a pedophile, small Jewish man pedophile. Any Jew man found at prom maced and destroyed by female date. Jim Coach beats the shit out of this pervy prom goer. When asked why he went, the guy said he was invited on Snapchat. Phone has been seized and many other cases being looked into. So would you say go on a pre-date or not?

I think they should go on a pre-date. I think they should hang out as much before prom as possible. And I would say don't blow your load too early. Save the magical first date for prom. She already said yes, the hard part's done. You don't need to go on a pre-date. How's the beer? You know what?

I can see why it's an acquired taste because to go from water to that is a huge step. And now that the taste is in my mouth, the drink is not giving me a new taste. It's just giving me liquid and adding to the taste that's already in my mouth. So it's not like... So you don't like the taste still, but you've gotten used to it. Yeah. I've coated my mouth in this bitter dry salt. And then when I add that, it's like I'm drinking water that gets me a little tipsy.

Interesting. So maybe this is what liking beer is like. I don't think so because I like the way it tastes. Okay. Very cool. I don't coat my mouth with something awful just to get through it. Yeah. You know when you take a shot and then you suck on a lemon and the lemon feels like pretty

good. Right. But if you just woke up and sucked on a lemon, that lemon would taste awful. Yeah. It's just some little things that I think about. I usually don't like to take the lemon after the shot. I love the way liquor tastes. But even a shot?

It depends on what it is, but yeah, usually. Shots really burn like a tequila shot or a vodka shot. I love fucking, I just love alcohol. I have a problem. That's really cool, dude. Yeah. That's actually really cool. The fact that you're like, you don't care.

Do you mean that? Like to be like, yeah, I don't care if it's a shot of tequila, like it's good to you. You don't need the lemon. That's like a really cool thing. Right. But like what about the part where I was like, it's like detrimental to my health and my well being? That's what makes it cool.

Because you're like, I don't care about that shit. All I want to do is drink. I just like the way it tastes. And sometimes they do like self-medicated or like if I'm sad, I'll drink or happy, I'll drink. That's really cool. That's actually really dope. The part where I self-medicate?

Yeah. I'm serious. Like when you're sad and you're drinking, that's actually really, really dope. Right. So I like drink to not feel stuff. Yeah. That's really cool. You think so?

I really think that's really cool. Because like I would not do that because I think that's unhealthy and kind of sad. Yeah. The fact that you don't care about that is actually really dope. But do you think it's cool or do you think it's unhealthy and sad? I think it's sad and that's what makes me not cool and the fact that you don't care. Oh, you think that's really cool. Is it?

Oh, interesting. It's actually really dope. Really? It's like really, really cool. I just think, yeah. All right. It's actually really dope. You have finished your thought.

You finished your thought, man. It's really cool. Okay. I'm serious. That's like really cool. You keep on like coming back to like you're going to add something new. Like dope. Okay.

We all know what you think. It's cool. All right. A different girl's name. I mean shit. I actually didn't go to prom with anybody else. What's that? The first few names.

Oh, that's so sad. It's actually really cool though. I'm trying to think of like an order. I don't. Caroline. Love that. Caroline. Claire.

Claire. No, Caroline. Caroline. I'm a sophomore in high school and one of my best guy friends is a junior who recently asked me to prom. I know it was coming and I was excited to go and have fun with my friends until I realized that he's taking this upcoming night way differently than I am. I was hoping to go as friends, but I think he's expecting more.

He knew, sorry, I've known that he had liked me for a while, but I've just played stupid hoping that he would get the hint. Now that prom readily is readily approaching, I am getting more and more nervous and dreading the night so much that I'm getting sick to my stomach. I'm too nervous to talk to him about the dynamic of the night, but I don't want to go to prom with two different views on how the night will go. I really don't want to go, but I couldn't say yes since I couldn't not have said yes since he asked me in the middle of science class and I couldn't have easily declined

it, especially since he came in with all of his friends, one of which was videotaping. I was so scared to reject him because he is so sweet and I don't want to hurt him. Please help me. Thank you. I love the show. Is that a thing at your school because there are some questions in here about like ostentatious askings. No, that's like a new thing.

You think it's a cause of the YouTube generation? Yeah, I think it's like an internet thing. Maybe there was like, no, they're really, in my school there was not anything. Everything's like a flash mob. Everything's a YouTube or a snap or let's get this online. It's like this big, big extravagant. The other thing that's really dangerous about prom is any other time you ask someone out, you can so easily be like, oh, I have to look at my schedule.

I'm not entirely sure, but I'll get back to you and then that gives you a little bit of time to work on your rejection. Prom is like, everyone knows when that date is and everyone's going, everyone's free. And if you don't have a date, then you're like fucking open, open season and if somebody comes in videotaping and they're like, will you go to prom with me? You can't say like, you can't be nice and say, oh, I actually, I got family in town or I'm not thinking about going. You have to be like, yes, I'll go with you or no, I don't want to go with you.

I want to go with someone else. Sorry. So what do you suggest for this lady? She's nervous. She doesn't want to go. She feels like she was, whoa, nice dude. Now you're drinking beer, man. Do you really think so?

I fucking love it. I'm, I don't know. It feels a little weird, but maybe it's exciting in the same way. I'm like getting like a little thick tongue. Oh no. I think you're having a bad reaction. It's the grit through. You are breaking out knives.

Yeah. For third, for third. Oh, your eyes so swollen that it's swallowing your glasses. I so swole mother fuckers want to find me. Whoa. Sorry. Excuse me. I don't know if anybody heard or that fart picked up, that was a ripped heart.

That was a ripped heart. It's kind of cool. This is a gaseous clay, a gaseous play, a Muhammad Ali of sorts. What would you tell this lady? It really sucks. It really, she's in a very shitty position. I think this happens to girls a lot more than guys, but it happens to guys too, but like especially on prom night where they feel like they're shoehorned into somebody else's

expectations. Yeah. We're like, oh, this person wants it to be romantic. Oh, they're expecting a kiss and I'm going to disappoint them. And I think the two things to keep in mind are one, it's fine to disappoint somebody. Yeah. Like, because the alternative to that is disappointing yourself, which is worse. Like if you hook up with this guy just because you pity him, you'll feel worse about yourself.

So don't do that. That's correct. And the second thing is just that give him the chance to be cool about it. Yeah. Like you might be, if you say he's a sweet guy, I think it's totally fine to like, don't get so far down this road that you're really setting him up for disappointment. You're just like, hey, I'm excited about prom. If it was me, I would tell my friends to make sure that he knew.

Talk to one of his friends or talk to one of your friends who knows one of his friends. Just let it trickle back to him because it is also sort of annoying and uncomfortable to like text someone, hey, we're not going to hook up and like he gets that text and he feels weird about prom. But send a messenger. Yeah. Just like everybody in high school does communicate through your friends. So you're sort of blunting the trauma.

All right. This is what I would do if I were you since this, that was, that was the polite, professional, adult, mature way to deal with it, deal with it is tell him the truth right off the bat. If I were you, I would blame my parents. My parents won't let me go. Oh no. That's it. You can't not go.

That's it. You can't not go. Yeah. She could not go. Is it her prom? No. She's a sophomore. She's a sophomore.

He's a junior. He's inviting her. My parents don't want me to go. Fine. It depends how close prom is. If you're like literally standing him up with no date, he would rather go as friends than have you straight up bail. Yeah.

I guess the two choices are let him down and like give him a prom date or let him down by not showing up. It's so much better to let him down and well, I don't think she should ghost him or stiff him or what's it called when you don't show up the night of like, oh, I was just, what is it stood up? Yeah. Stand him up. I don't think you should do that.

But I think if you want out, you can definitely blame your parents. I do it all the time. I remember how we were supposed to play racquetball yesterday and I said my mom was in town. I needed to go to see my parents. Yeah. I didn't do that. You didn't even tell me that till 20 minutes after we were supposed to be playing racquetball. Yeah.

I texted you. I was there on the court with my goggles and the little blue racquetball. Yeah. Of course. You're wearing two knee pads. Yeah. And rocket ball shoes. Yep.

And I texted you and I said, my parents are here. And that was. I have to see my parents. They won't let me play. And I said, oh, are you sure? Yeah. I'm so pleased about it. You're like, I totally understand.

Yeah. I was like, that's so cool that you're hanging out with your rental units. Yeah. I'll find a pickup game around here. And I wandered around the courts, the racquetball courts, as you know that we both do sometimes just trying to find a casual pickup game. And I was mercilessly beaten in an alley. By who?

By alley. Just a couple of bikers. They were all named Allie. They were the Allie Cats. I can't help but feel partly responsible. So those are two ways you can deal with this situation. Two answers for the price of fun. Let's take a break and we'll come back after these messages.

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Thank you. Squarespace. Remember back. Good Lord. Fuck me. Hey, you. We're welcome to the if I were you show. We already did that.

We already did it. Your beard. I'm sorry. I don't want to put you on the bus, but I picked it up. It is more than three quarters of the way full. Yeah. Yeah. No, I know.

I'm just dumb right now. I'm not drunk at all. I'm just feeling slow. He's having a bad voice. This is our first episode being released since all 10 episodes of Lonely and Horny are available. The complete season one is just waiting for you. Not to mention the 15 minute behind the scenes. That's right.

If you buy the whole season in one fell swoop for 15 bucks, you can watch the 15 minute behind the scenes making of, which is just the cast and crew having a great time. Yeah. It's great to see that we're all a nice big happy family. We're joking around. We're making yuck yucks. We're making fun of each other, but in a way that's like cool because like, oh, I can make fun of him because he's my brother.

But if you say anything about Bobby, I will fucking knock your teeth out. Brother in arms. We can razz him. You can't. You can't even talk about him. Everyone who's seen it and weighed in and tweeted and Facebooked and let us know how much they like it has been great. Yeah.

And if you've been waiting to binge, now's your opportunity. Yeah. You can now buy them and watch them back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back to back. Which I haven't even done yet. Neither have I. I'm not watching 10 in a row. Nor have I.

I don't know when we can do that. Maybe we could do some sort of screening at our office for like fans or something. That would be dope. We should do a lottery. Yeah. So we'll like line them up. How do we choose the winners? I don't know.

We have to figure something out. We all search like most Jewish. Can you filter by most Jewish names or something? No. Is there a way to like on Twitter say like who are my followers? So I have 130 whatever thousand followers and then it's like filter them by how hot they'll be. No.

There's not that either. No. All right. Or even on Instagram. Hot Jewish person. Is that what we're looking for? I was just saying like if there's a way like on Instagram to see like, okay, I these are all my followers, but then also who are my hot Jewish female followers?

Yeah. I don't know. Also, that's a shitty outlook. Yeah. Yeah. I shouldn't want to do that. So it's fine that it's not even like that's not, it wouldn't even be possible. Right?

No. We already said that. And the fact that it's not, it's not doable or it hasn't been done or it's unable to be ever done. Yeah. Wow. You are not giving up. I'm just doubling down on it.

Huh? Doesn't matter. Stupid idea. Won't even come up again. It better not. Yeah. Okay. So I got a question for you.

Sure. You won the lonely and horny page. I can be. Could you tell me who's winning London or London or Canada? London v. Canada. Sorry. England v. Canada. Right now, England is beating Canada by maybe 1% of total sales.

Wow. It's a close one. USA has like 55%, then England has 12, Canada has 11, then it goes down to Australia, Sweden. What up, Sweden? What's N-O-K? Norway? What's D-K-K? Denmark?

Diddy Kong? What's C-H-F? I don't know. Well, we got a lot of acronyms that we can't quite decipher. But yeah, England v. Canada is the closest to. All right, Canada, step it up. We should go to London, I guess. Yeah, we're trying to.

You said we would go there if they got more sales. Yes. And as of right now, they are. Maybe after doubling, we could try to hook that up. The Dublin tickets are not available yet, but we are coming. I guess we could say at the end of July, we'll be at some sort of comedy festival there. Yeah, we'll be in Dublin. It's going to happen.

We're coming. Yeah, for sure. And then hopefully London after that. And then we have to decide what's going to be our Iceland trip, what's going to be our Berlin trip. We're in the Europe. We're in the Euro Union should Jake and Amir go. Yeah, top shortlist for me right now is Portugal.

Croatia and Israel. Really? Yeah. Amsterdam is not on your list. I do want to go to Amsterdam, but I guess it's not on the list. I would say Israel is always up there. I have family there. Amsterdam I've never been.

That would be really fun. I've also never been to Spain. Yeah, Spain. I've been to Spain at least once. What's the beer like there? Because I feel like in a weird fucking way, I'm becoming a connoisseur. You're a beer Somali. Listen to this.

That's a really nice pale ale. Oh, God. Do you think that's what connoisseurs say? Where is this bottled? That's some really good swill. What is it? What do you call this canister? Swill inherently means that it's bad.

You call it a can for short. I love that. Every region has its own special word for this. Canister. This little freaking metal tube that I drink, this golden soda out of. If they have beer in Spain, then count me the fuck out. So you don't want to go? I don't.

I really don't like this actually. You know how some colleges have a big Greek culture? Yeah, there's a big beer culture. Yeah, if it's like a beer culture, I don't think I fit. Are you drunk? Do you feel a little buzzed? I feel a little tipsy, yeah. That's fun.

Like a little silly. That's cool. A little loopy. Have you already showered? Yeah. So you're like ready to go for the night? Well, you're wearing sweatpants, but aside from that. Yeah, once I put on my pants, I'll be able to go out.

Are you going to change your underwear or just take off the pants, put on new jeans? Yeah, that's right. Take off the pants, keep the underwear. My underwear clean. Cool. What about the white tee? I don't know. Should I do the white tee or should I wear something else?

I don't know. I like the white tee. You're not just thinking about wearing glasses tonight. Really? Yeah. That's pretty dope. What happened to the glasses that you have that you never wear? The glasses I'm going to wear.

But you know, tell me if this is a real thing or if like, the glass, the reason I don't wear the glasses that often, I feel like we should not be talking about this on the podcast because it's so boring. But I don't want to look like a loser. It feels like the, my peripheral, my peripheral vision. It's just so big. Like there's such a large window that's not the glasses. Oh.

So like when I, when I wear them, I don't like, I don't, I still don't see that well. Like most of your glasses, I will say are pea sized. They're the circumference of a little pea. I look like Benjamin Frank. Yeah. Tiny little bifold. Yeah. Little glass discs, roughly the circumference of a corn nut being held together by stiff

floss. I think your glasses are big enough that is, that's not actually the case. Like right now I'm looking to the left and it's all glasses. I'm looking up. I guess up is a little blurry and down is fine. Oh, when I look left, I see no glasses. Oh, it's open? Yeah.

But straight ahead, that's, that's the key. Yeah. But like when I'm driving and I like, you know, check to see if anybody's coming before I crossed the, across the street, it's like folk, like glasses fully gone. Oh, interesting. I wonder if I'm just used to it or if my glasses are extend wider than yours. Right. That's my question is if it's something that I get used to and I should just keep on wearing

them and power through or are my glasses too narrow. Oh, interesting. Yeah, you're right. We shouldn't talk about this. This is boring. All right. Well, I thought you might be able to help me. So what you thought wrong?

Fucking asshole. I checked the show. Dumbass problem. Piece of shit. Great. You too. Now, I don't, I really don't even know if we can, do you want to end it? Thanks so much for listening.

Yeah, that's the first theme song. Thanks so much for fucking listening. From the dumbest genius. I'm really sorry about that, you guys. He never has never, ever, ever fucking derailed a fucking podcast like this. You fucking got drunk off half a beer. This was a 9-11 times 50. 9-11.

It really fucking was. In terms of this podcast, this was a national tragedy, a travesty that what you did tonight. So I'm America's most wanted man. What you did tonight was inexcusable, inexcusable, disgusting. Should we try to answer one more prompt question before we have to go? I might honestly don't. We have a lot. Let's do a speed round.

Okay, got one. Okay. All right, this one's easy. Female name? Emily. Wow. Close to her actual name. Not that I'll say her actual name, but just no.

Hey guys, my name is Emily and I'm currently a senior at, we don't have to say, and my friend Kai, maybe we should say, because you'll see. Kai and I are huge fans of yours. In fact, one of the first times we spoke was when I recognized him that he was wearing a Jake and Amir shirt and making a Jake and Amir reference. I wanted to ask him to prom and I thought of the perfect way to do so was through you guys. I would love it if you can help me with my prom puzzle on either Snapchat or the podcast.

I understand you're very busy people. So I get if this is too much of a hassle, but it would really make my and Kai's ear. So I guess we can say Kai, will you go to prom with Emma? That's her name. Can you say when the prom is happening? Two weeks ago. Hopefully, no, this email was sent last week. So hopefully it hasn't happened yet.

Hell yeah. Which is almost better than the fucking, the poster or the show or the video, the flash mob. How would you do it if it was today? I would be too embarrassed. Yeah, I would do it the same way I did way back when. Over at AIM. Really, always online. No, well, I only asked one person to prom.

Everybody else asked me. Oh. Here's another one. That's kind of similar. Hey guys, my name is Matthew and my dilemma is this. I don't know how to ask my lady friend to senior prom. I don't want to walk into her class with a poster like most people do. Not because I wouldn't, but because she specifically asked me not to.

And I would do some, I would want to do something more unique. It would mean so much to me if you guys could give her a shout out on the podcast and say something along the lines of Dylan. Matt wants to go to, wants to know if you'll go to prom with him. I completely understand if you guys prefer not to do something like this, but it would really mean a lot. So we got two right off the bat. Two prom proposals. Yeah. Two prom proposals.

One is from fake name Emily asking Kai. Yeah, well her real name was Emma, so we can do that. All right. Kai, will you go to prom with Emma? You know what we should do is we should arrive in the school with a poster. That way they still get the poster thing. Right. That's the most important part.

Imagine there's how mortifying it would be. I would never walk into a class that a girl's there with a poster that says, will you go to prom with me? A poster. Never had children. I would never do it. Can you imagine we're writing that poster at home? Are you hoping to guide your parents don't see you? Are they helping you buy the poster?

They're helping you buy the poster, man. Then you wrote, you come into school, you're holding the poster. You have to have the poster. It doesn't fit in your backpack. Yeah, you have to. God damn, what happens when they say no when you go home and your dad who went out and got you the glue and the glitter? Oh, you glitter it? Oh, you got to.

Yeah. And he says, well, hey champ, how'd it go? And then you just shake your head and your dad says, son, you're no son of mine. Let me scrape the glitter off. I kept the barcode sticker on the back of it so we can return this little shit. The simplest thing of all is how cheap your father. Yeah, the G comes off pretty frickin' easily, just like you. God, I wish I could remove you from the poster.

Christ. Can I return you to your mother? God, it's just a dad trying to push his son back into his mom's vagina. Return to sender. Back from whence you came, son. Oh, oh, I'm in her. It worked. Wait another nine months and maybe you'll be a man.

What's insane is that I birthed a loser and then he drinks the beer like this. Oh, not bitter or salty. Not bitter or salty. I actually like the way that tastes. Very, very cool. All right. That's it. No more prom questions.

What was the prom proposal for Dylan and Matt? Yeah, Dylan. Matt wants to know if you go to prom with him. I completely understand if you guys prefer not. You don't have to say that part? Yeah, yeah, that's part. All right. So there you have it.

Cheers and toe dot, folks. Have a happy prom. Happy prom season. Happy prom New Year's. The opening theme song was written by Dumbest Genius. This closing one is written by Black Knights. It's a rap. It's a rap group.

If you have your own questions, your own theme song submissions, your own anything. Oh, we should say, sorry, the email addresses. If I were you show at gmail.com, we got a bunch of potential intern candidates. We haven't reached out to any of them yet. We're still collecting, assessing, and judging silently. So if you haven't heard from us yet, that's why. And if you have been dragging your feet next, this is the last week that I think we're going to accept submissions. Yeah, we really got to figure, figure some people out.

Again, lonely and horny, vimeo.com slash lonely and horny. Let us know what you think. Let us know what your favorite episode is, favorite lines, favorite moments. Please. Oh, I also got two real quick, three real quick things to plug. Just one. First of all, I know. First of all, we went to the sheet and text back live show on Friday, which was yesterday as whatever.

But we went. It was great. I highly recommend checking out those guys podcast. Perfect. William Haynes and Darren von Gurdner. Second, I guess it on Billy and Adam's no joke podcast talking about directing lonely and horny. That was really good. If you guys are still thirsting for more just funny people talking about interesting things,

Billy and Adam are super, super funny, very uniquely interesting comedians. And they have an episode with Jake where they talk about directing, including Jake's experience directing lonely and horny. Yes. And lastly, I think I said two things, but it's the third thing. I was also on my mother's podcast again, talking about dating with my sister. So she didn't text back no joke with Billy and Adam. And then you're back on your mom's podcast, the easy chair. Yes.

There's always more content on the head gum network. So when you're done with this one, if you're still aching for more, let's say you like wrestling. We have a wrestling podcast. Let's say you want to hear from Dan Klein and Kelly or John Gabriel or Twin Innovation Boys. We have podcasts for everybody. So check them out. That's it. That's our time.

We'll be back, I think on Monday, but toad off with listening. What up, you motherfucker that's still listening. I love that. Very, very cool. It means you're driving and you're being safe and not skipping to the next podcast. And it means you're a fan of us, which means we're a fan of you, which means you might be a fan of a friend of ours, Allison Williams. That's right. What is Allison doing with her time?

You know, she's not just wasting it like we are. She's actually doing something good. Yeah. She's doing charitable shit. So we figure since we're not going to do charity ourselves, obviously. The least we can do is to promote her promoting charity. Right. So if you guys go follow, just follow her on Instagram, check out what she's been doing the last few days, what she's going to continue doing this week.

And if you feel compelled, give a little. And it's her Instagram is just AW. Yeah. From what I can tell, she's teaming up with brands and then 100% of the proceeds of these special items that are being sold are going to Horizons, which is a charity that she's helping out. And they help teach kids and shit. Yeah. So you can't really argue that it's like not a good one.

So if you want to buy shit and then that money goes to the helping teach kids and shit, do check out Allison Williams Instagram to see exactly the specific details of how you can help. That's AW on Instagram. Pretty easy to remember, folks. Toda. And we'll be back next week. Later.