If I Were You - 219: Olive Oil (w/Billy and Adam!)

Episode Date: June 6, 2016

Friends and Fellow HeadGum Podcasters, Billy Scafuri and Adam Lustick join us to talk about grinding, gaming, and garage doors.This episode is brought to you by TrunkClub and MeUndies.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

I'm an angel, I'm king of the sky! Dude, finally, true screamo. Wow! On the podcast. Yeah, wow! Let it hang! Dude, it's the last time I was on your podcast, a guy named Bogdanao, something Jan Bogdanao. I remember Bogdanao.

And now I'm back more wailing from, good God, who was that? This is now a wailing podcast. Oh, yeah. Yeah, so we're just discussing different types of wailing methods. How hard do we wail? Yeah. Sounds. Optimal wailing, yeah.

Tell them who's in the studio, bro. Billy and Adam. Hey! We be deputed. We wailing, we wailing, y'all. And we wailing as well. And we're out of time. And we're out of time.

Wailing. That's right. For the wailers from Bob Harley and the Wailers. And I hope you like wailing too. Billy. Exactly. Is that Bob Marley? I don't, I don't know.

Yes. We wailing. We wailing. Yeah. Thanks for having us on your awesome podcast. Dude, thank you for coming. And your fancy podcast too. Billy's second episode, Adam's first.

Yes. Billy and Adam's first. Yes. And our second in the new studio. That's right. A lot of firsts and seconds. It's also your second podcast in the new studio. That's right.

You guys recorded just before this. Yeah, just one second before this. So one second first, third, and this is our third podcast in the new studio. And there are four of us. And there are high fives. I'll second that. I'll plead the sixth. Which is a different thing.

Exactly. It's not about silence. Exactly. That guy was named Adam. Sorry. No, not Adam. Joe. You're named Adam.

Yeah, yeah. This is Adam. His band is called Kuro Kuma. Yeah. Which means Black Bear and Japanese. Black Bear. And if you could give our FB page a shout out, that'd be very much so appreciated. Facebook.com slash Kuro Kuma UK.

That song was legitimately a brain melter? Yeah. I think you know what they call it? Melter brains? Yeah. Whoa, my eyebrows are gone. He calls it a death metal. Death metal.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you guys into metal? Are you guys metal folks? I'm a bit of a metal head. Are you? Yeah. A mirror. You have a machine head.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm also, I'm into ICP. I'm a juggalo. Oh, no way. You're a part of the posse? Yeah. I'll often go to the juggalo events.

Yeah, cool. Have you been to the gathering? Yeah. Well, I didn't go this year because I went on a little trip to Paris with my mom. But that's usually the opposite. That's usually the juggalos too often. Yeah. They're drink fago in the jungle with a bunch of crazy clowns.

Or go to the city of light with your mom. Quick junk to the city of light, yeah. It's a gay paris. Yeah. You know why they call it that, right? Why? Because everything is gay there. Everything's gay.

Everything's gay there. Yeah. There is, isn't there some correlation, and I'm not just trying to butter you up, but I think this is true between like geniuses, or people who have like incredibly high IQs, or people who just brains work really well, astrophysicists, like really smart people, and heavy metal. And juggalos. And juggalos, yeah.

Oh, well, I'm also nodded to heavy metal. Oh, okay. Okay. So they're probably right. They're probably right. Because I'm a total moron. Yeah, me too, and I'm also nodded to heavy metal. Isn't there a correlation between being a sociopathic liar and being highly intelligent though?

I would believe that. I would relate to that. And also being super into Drake, because then I'm there. Yeah. Everything about me is what highly intellectual people do. Take all the boxes. Billy and Adam, we're having on a show because you just started a podcast of your own on our network.

That's right, that's right. Jake's been on it. I've been on it. We haven't been on it together, but if we wanted to at least expose you guys to our audience. We appreciate it. Because I feel like there's a lot of overlap here. Yeah. Because Adam are a little bit like Jake and I.

Yeah. Yeah. Everybody liked Billy on the podcast last time. Yeah. And if they don't like this, I wonder what the variable will be. Well, yeah. They're probably the new studio. They could probably hear the sound quality or something.

Yeah. Because I'm so charming and wonderful. I can't imagine that. How anybody could ever find. Does anybody hate you? You are so likable. Have you ever had an enemy, Adam? Only me.

No. No. Just me. Back in the day. As a kid and then on E 63rd Street in Manhattan where I lived, we were on the elevator going up to my apartment and who was on that elevator with us? His childhood bull. Who happened to live in Billy's adult Billy's building.

Okay. In New York City. And he was still a child, right? Still a child. Amazing. Incredible. And correct me if I'm wrong, Adam. But like a year later, did he die?

Yeah. That was a sad coded to that story. So I guess I won that one. How did he die? Really? Yeah. That's a sad but true story that my high elementary school bully. He only, I mean, he was a little aggressive with me.

He pushed me into a soccer goal once. Yeah. But that's childhood bullies I don't count as like actually disliking you. Yeah. They dislike themselves. Exactly. Well, clearly. Yeah.

Clearly. Yeah. Has an adult like, I've had people that don't like me. They like, oh, Mir's not nice. He's not friendly. I don't like him as a human. Does anybody think that about you? I would, I go out of my, to my detriment, I think I go out of my, so far out of my way

and spend a lot of time worrying and concerned that people might feel that way. So I take a lot of preemptive actions to make sure nobody feels that way. Please like me. And tell me, tell me this. Does that make people who are really close to you like your, your closest friends? Yeah. They have a problem with that. Absolutely.

See, I definitely, as they should, and I have a problem with it. Right. And who's closer to me than I try to be nice to everybody. But then I find that people that are closest, the ones that I really love, they're like, what are you doing? Be real with me for a second. Yeah. Right.

Because you're, because you're nicer to strangers than you are your friends or because they see, they think you're fake to themselves. Friends think that they're fake to you. You're fake to them. In my experience, it's been people I love saying you're overextending yourself. Yeah. To no benefit. Yeah.

Like you need to stop doing that. I hear a lot of that. You mentioned our podcast. It's called No Joke. And two weeks ago, we had Milana Vine Troupe, a friend of yours, and who was also on Lonely and Horny. Right. And we had talked about like kind of overextending yourself or trying to be like over-friendly

or just make sure that you are received well. Yeah. And I told her that I'm growing out of that phase now. And one way that this is manifesting is that I'm trying not to use exclamation points in my emails anymore because I feel like that is such a cheap way to tell someone how excited you are to be communicating with them when if you're just saying sounds good, that's a period. Yeah.

That's not a sounds good. That's not good. Yeah. Triple exclamation point is for like, it's a boy or it's a girl. And that's it. So you're going straight. You're going straight period. Yeah.

And I'll tell you that a lot of people, I can sense a weirdness when they write back because if they think that they're in trouble or like there's some there's some sort of rift between us. I bet. Just get used. This is how we talk guys. We talk normally. I would even go so far as to say that a nice, almost maybe a bridge or a happy meeting would

be no punctuation at the end, you know, just to like say the thing and let it be a phrase without sort of exclaiming. That may lead to more confusion. A little more confusion. Do you guys, do you guys sign your emails, Adam, Billy, Amir, Jake, do you write the name at the end? I write Jake. You write Jake.

I write Amir most of the time. Yeah. That's why we had you on the podcast. Super confusing. Because you're also writing from our emails. Because I'm taking your checkbooks. I write Amir at the end of my emails and I'm starting to think, I think it's because I'm 33 where I'm like, I'm like those parents that write their names at the end of texts

where I'm like, I'm out of date, like kids are like, why are you writing your name? I know it's from you. It really depends. It depends on the email though. I think it's still a professional thing to do. If I start an email with like a hey somebody comma, got to finish with yours, then I like just, you know, just being symmetrical, like having it look nice is signing it. I think it comes from like writing letters.

Emails used to represent letters. Now emails are like instead of texts. But I think if you're like on the 33rd message of a thread, you're not still writing, hey, then it's just a body of text. Right. And it's fine. You know, first email, I'll sign it. Yeah.

Give a fuck. I'll sign it. There's a girl in Harvard Sailing Team. Her name is Jen. Our comedy team is called Harvard Sailing Team. And she works in comedy theaters and she's often the liaison between trying to bring money into the theater and just trying to be a professional person. And she wrote a professional email to somebody and her signature, she wanted to write sincerely

Jen, but she accidentally wrote, seriously, Jen. Which you're not going to believe this. Seriously. Jen. And Jen. Speaking of making people happy, why don't we make our audience happy and answer a few questions? This is after all in a VICE podcast.

Oh, they're realing it is. It's that way of the year. So Adam, you've never been on the show, so I can explain it to you as though you've never even listened to it. I don't know if you have or haven't, but this is an advice podcast. People will email us. They're in difficult places in sticky situations, seeking our wisdom, our guidance. Sometimes it's me and Jake.

Sometimes we have our friends and lovers in the studio. Right now we have both. Nice. One of you is a friend. One of you is a lover. And it's up to each other to find out which. It's not like the other. I thought a fun thing to do would be, since we have guests in the studio, sometimes we

play a game where we just search our Gmail for a word that's kind of rare. Oh, yeah. That's good. We call it the Game Boy. Yeah. I've never met the Game Boy, but I've heard of his podcast. He is a very mysterious man, I'll put it that way. He speaks in a different intonation.

Yeah, dialect. It's almost arithmic. You don't know what the Game Boy is up to or what he's going to say. Let me see if I can dip into the Game Boy character really quick. Oh, the Game Boy. Wow. Yeah, here he is. Game Boy has arrived.

Where did Jake go? Is Jake still here? Yeah, he's in the studio. Oh my God, that's you. In the back of my head. You're levitating. I am the Game Boy. So the goal is to find a word that isn't, we have 15,000 emails.

It's ideally found in just one, or at least as close to it as possible. Are we holding 15,000 emails at this point? We're under 15,000 at this point. Intern of the year, Marissa just started killing our email gamers right now. Really? Yeah, she's going through the emails making sure that we answer only the best of the best. Wow.

Thank you, Marissa. About how many emails do you guys get? Honestly, that's another question. We really do have 15,000. We had 15,000 as of a week ago. That's just insane. Now we're dipping under. But it's like a 40 to 50 a day, maybe?

Yes. So Adam, do you think you have a name, a word, a word that exists only in a few emails of our 15,000? Okay, let me think and really be reasonable at this. 15,000 emails, people in trouble. I want to say garage. That's pretty good. Yeah, yeah.

I bet you have 12 emails that have the word garage. 12 emails? 13,000. 33,000. What? That would be like, hey guys, love your podcast. I listen to it all the time in my garage. Wow.

That's very close. We have 37. Whoa, James. I have an email. I'm good at guessing emails. Can we go on? I'm fucking real good with guessing emails. So is the goal then to get one of those 37 or do we want to bring it down even further

to the one? I think out of this one, Adam, why don't you just give me a number one through 37 and I'll choose that email. 15. Thank you. Wow. already knew. Wow, I can't believe I have 37 emails with the word garage. I shouldn't surprise me too much.

We've never read this email before. Could be great, could be awful. We're about to find out together. Cool. It seems like a man's name, so let's give him a fake name to preserve his anonymity. Okay. What do you got? What? Ted.

Ted what? With 2Ds. Ted with 2Ds? Yeah, yeah. That's his last name is with 2Ds. Yeah, with 2Ds. It's Ted with 2Ds. That's right.

And then, how do you spell Ted? Just with 1Ds. Ted, last name with 2Ds. With 2Ds. This parents suck. That's my favorite name I think I've ever had in the show. Ted with 2Ds. Yeah, full name Edward with 2Ds.

Which does have 2Ds. Hey, JNA and Adam and Billy. A huge fan of the program and everything you do keep it up. Here's my problem. I'm a 19 year old guy and I'm facing a crossroad in my life. I'm currently working part time as an apprentice for a contractor who builds and repairs garage doors. It pays very well and he recently told me that come June he wants to hire me full time, which would mean I would make even more money and be sitting pretty easy.

I would also be his first employee for his first own business, which would mean that when his company starts expanding, I would become an executive. Financially, this is a dream come true. On the other hand, me and my best friend had a passion to pack up and move to Portland, Oregon to start our own business. Our business plan is amazing and it would involve art, production and music, which we both share a drive for. We had planned on leaving for Oregon in June when we had saved up enough money. Being stuck in my boring hometown wouldn't be the most exciting thing to me, but making a bunch of money and having a job with so much room for advancement sounds great and is a way safer option.

Moving to Portland would be more exciting and fun, but would also be a much bigger risk if I had failed at all. And if I succeed, I'd be living my dream job. So what should I do? Move to Portland with my best buddy and follow our dreams or stay in my hometown and start a career as a contractor. More importantly, what would you guys do? Any advice on this would be greatly appreciated. I'd love to hear what both of you have to say on this issue. Tota, love, Ted with 2Ds.

There's a common question we get. Really? It's people needing a kick in the butt or tell them. Do I do the same thing or follow my dreams? Yeah. Have you guys ever reached that crossroads in your life? We followed our dream right out of college. We knew we were going to do comedy.

We graduated and we lived broke for five years and just did comedy. Did you have a safe option? What was the safe option? No comedy, just go home and do what? Do you have a garage door contractor that you could have fallen back on? I barely have a garage in my house to be honest with you. I had and have no backup plan. I suppose poorly I'll just die that day.

Worth noting that up until graduating college Adam was a singing telegram. Yeah, so the backup plan was also a joke. He was a singing telegram. You really were a singing telegram? I was, yeah. That was like my home from summer and winter break college gig back in my hometown. How often did you get sent out on gigs? Way, way too often.

It was both adult singing telegrams and children's birthday party entertainment. So like on the weekends, I would be dressing up in a bunch of kids costumes. Such as who? Well, such as Barney and Mickey and Peter Pan, etc. Except she didn't have the legal rights to all these names. So all the characters had to be Benny the Purple Dinosaur. Not Elmo, ELMO, but Elle, just an Elle-mo. Not SpongeBob.

SpongeRob. So I was like going to a lot of these children's birthday parties, dressed like an asshole and doing that. Or sometimes going to TGR Fridays, dressed as Zorro, and singing to my friends' parents for their 50th anniversary. I remember when I was on the No Joke podcast, the subject was jobs. And all of Adam did was talking about his jobs, and I just laughed for half an hour.

That's right. At one point, this business devolved into you being a male stripper. That's right. They were called the LT's. This same business? Same one, same one. Because she just did just have you as an employee? Absolutely correct, Jake.

Correct. She was, you had a pimp. That's what it was. Correct, Jake. Absolutely correct. Absolutely correct. Adam would leave the office dressed as a sexy female nurse. Female.

Sometimes. Nurse Joseph. To strip. So I don't even know who. Did you ever get paid? Yeah, I got paid 35 bucks a pop. All right. Yeah, 35 bucks a pop.

Regardless of how many hours, that could have been less than minimum wage at that point. Yeah, well, the gig itself, it was like, you know, the Zingagram, which is the name of the bit, that sort of each little event was supposed to be like 45 to 50 minutes. Depending on my tolerance for humiliation, it would vary. Right. The job started in June by August.

People were running train on it. He was a Bukaki Thai lady boy. They would saran wrap him. 12 Japanese businessmen. And come dumpster Adam. Everybody mostly wanted come dumpster. Yeah. We're, we'll see if it on the website, it just knew.

It was word of mouth slash garbage pale kid that they subscribed to. I love that the going rate for shame was $35 an hour. And I was happy to do it. Happy to do it. It's not a bad rate. So in a way, you did both the hard job to make money and the dream job to do comedy. In a way, I guess, and I guess I did. Yeah.

I mean, I personally, I relate to this struggle in a sort of like, I've seen movies about this. Yeah. Like I can relate to this struggle sort of in the abstract. But I, I personally, for me, Adam, it would be an easy decision to sort of like, I would say follow your dream, move to Portland. You're 19 years old. Yeah.

You have your whole life ahead of you, which is time to press the reset button. Right. You can do that at 25 or still Gucci. Right. It's true. Yeah. I often after have done, have done comedy for 12 years. Now I actually fantasize about working on a construction site, which is interesting.

It's like, I've got my dreams out of the way. And now it's like, I just want to be like a good blue collar dude. A woodworking apprenticeship sounds fucking amazing. I want that. All right. You guys have probably talked about your new studio for everyone at home. It's this incredible, incredible, huge garage loft. There's two levels.

It's totally awesome. But what I am most envious of you guys not owning and running this business. I'm watching you build desks. And I just give me an excuse to build a desk with my buds. We had a, we had a closet that we have to put in and you want to pin it, dude. You guys are out of town for a week. You're going to come back with the sweetest closet of broken shelves because I don't work on a construction site.

Yeah. You don't know, you don't actually have the skill set to do it. That's my dream. You just have the passion. Yeah. You do seem like a handyman. You asked me. Because you're strong and you have glasses.

Right. You asked me, you hung cool shingles in your studio and you said, is that something that you can do? And I couldn't say no fast enough. Oh no. Couldn't say no fast enough. But wouldn't you guess yes, looking at Billy? Yeah.

Long Island, strong guy. Long Island, strong island. Yeah. And Portland's a really hoppin' city. I feel like there's a lot of sort of like culture there. Failing in Portland is so much more fun than succeeding in small town USA. But one thing that's my instinct. We're not considering how exciting the garage door industry is though.

That's true. So who knows what's happened since like, because when we were a kid there, they slid up and slid down. French garage doors, that's pretty cool. Oh, slowly opening like a barn. Automatic, you know, the glass, the glass door. Yeah, sometimes they're one hard. Are you kidding?

There's no such thing as that. French garage doors? I've seen them. Yeah, the big, the opening, the big bay. That's amazing. I grew up in New England. There was a lot of that. Did you guys have the garage that were slats that curved around the opening or was it one

piece of wood that just sort of lifted? Oh yeah, I've seen that too. I remember the slats one. You don't remember like the one that like curves up like that? I do remember that one too. Yeah, yeah. How would you guys innovate the garage door if you could? Say you're him and you're trying to find this one excuse to be like, you know what,

I could put my stamp on the garage. Tell you what, if I went, it goes down into the earth. Oh my God. No reason has to go up and then you got to like, then your overhead's really low. Yes. This is like a black cave. It goes down in the DM? Yeah.

It goes down in the DM. It goes down, it goes down. Wow. In the DM. I see your girl. I see your man. I hate to be him. Oh, I see.

So you slid it into the DM. I slid it into the DM. That's amazing. This guy, it's so clear. If you're 19 and you have a chance to go to Portland with your best friend, you should do it. Right. Like the end.

I once saw a Facebook, a video on Facebook of Jim Carrey giving a commencement address and it was kind of sad, but I guess the message was clear to this guy. We all saw that. My dad did the safe thing and failed. I wish he just followed his dream because like you can fail and succeed at things that you like or things that you don't. You might as well do what you like because even if you do play it safe, you can fail. This garage door business could very well go under and then you're an executive of nothing.

Of nothing. And you never went to Portland. Exactly. What's inevitable is failure. I guess that's what we're saying. Failing at life. Failing at life. We all die eventually.

Okay. That's the most epic fail of all. Life fail. Yeah. Breathing fail. He who dies with the best stories wins. So go to Portland and win. Got some good stories.

You're 19 years old. Yeah. 19 is the time to fail. Exactly. All right. And 24 and 35. Yeah. 41 is a good time to fail.

And then it's like, all right, that's enough failure. It's not 68 increase. I fell 42. That's breathing failure. Billy, do you have a word? I'm sorry? Do you have a word? Yeah.

I have a word. My word is a racehorse. Wow. Is that a single word or is that two? I'm about to find out if somebody used it as a word. I can't imagine anyone has been emailing you about race. I just can't imagine. Maybe I'm dumb and naive.

I bet like pissed like a racehorse. Oh, that's good. Thank you. It wasn't a one word. Let me search two with quotes around it. My dad would always use that phrase and I would get embarrassed every time. Nothing. No racehorse.

Is that a good thing or a bad thing? You lose the game. Oh, Game Boy's back! Game Boy! To win the game, you find one email. That is the single email in all 15,000 that has that word. It's happened before. Yeah.

We've gotten it before. Has a fan of Jake and Amir made a fake Twitter person for the Game Boy? No. The Game Boy has no Twitter. Has anyone photoshopped what they imagine the Game Boy looks like? Yes. And what does he look like? It was Jake's face on a Game Boy.

Oh, that's fun. That's really nice. In the pixelated, in the green screen pixelated, we're on top of the boy itself. Yeah, yeah. So we need another word. Yeah. Can I take one more chance? Yes, you can.

Race card. Race card? Like someone played it? Yeah, exactly. Interesting. Interesting. Race motif. Yeah.

No race card either. Oh, okay. That sucks at this game. Yeah, yeah. Why did you invite Billy on the show in the first place? Two words, but with quotes. Yeah, with quotes around it. Give it one more go.

Yeah, let's go one word because the two one is tripping itself. Pantry. That's a good one. That's a really, really good one. That's a good one. The diner in my hometown is called the Pantry Diner. Shout out Rockville Center, Long Island. Okay.

Nothing, Billy. It's a lot of nature box ads. Sorry, nature box orders. Does nature box have a question for you? But there is a few that are non-nature box. Let's do it. People misspelling panty. That's true.

My pantries were so wet. She was, but she was wearing granny pantries. Granary pantries. God, there was a funny subject that I'm looking for. What's that? Take it down. Yeah, enjoy the silence. You guys, you guys can talk.

I'm still thinking about garage doors going into the ground instead of up into the house. That is actually genius, Jake. You should totally start a construction site. It'd be really cool if you could just pile a wood, do something with it. Found a good one. Okay. What is this guy's name, William? Pardon me?

What's this guy's name? That was the name. Pardon me. Pardon. Pardon me, he's Asian. Pardon me, he's Asian. Right. Pardon me, he's Asian.

Right. So this is a very weird problem, but I need a solution ASAP. Oh God, urgency. This email was written two and a half years ago. This guy is long dead. We have not read it. So it's possible. It turns out possible was today.

This is the first time anyone's opened it. So my best friend, my best friends have some very weird obsessions with my dog. I went out of town for a week and I let my dog, Peta, great name. Peta, stay with him while I was gone. I got home yesterday and I swear I saw a tear running down his cheek. Oh, a tear running down his cheek. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, oh God.

I swear I saw a tear running down his cheek when I took my pup back. Since I took home Peta, he's been stealing all the peanut butter from the pantry. I think this might be a joke and eating all of it. So I know my best friend's secret Twitter account and he tweeted something about loving the feel of peanut butter being slurped off his smooth, silky skin. This is a joke email. That sounds like a good one. God damn it.

I am seriously creeped out and then yada yada. So this is an example of another type of email we get, which is people fucking with us. I can't believe we gave this guy the time to get it. Billy, you have lost the game. You have lost. You should have. Epicly so. There's something valiant about losing as bad as I've lost up to this point.

That's true. Can we talk about this for a second? Do you think that he wrote this email in hopes that two of his favorite comedians and people he looks up to would think he was funny and be psyched by it? Why do you think he wrote this email? Because I actually just lost respect for him. Right. He wasted my time.

Exactly. But I would think that it would be that if I'm a fan of the podcast. I just want, you know, Jake Gamer to think I have a silly story to tell. Oh, damn. This guy is super funny. We got to get him on the show. Oh, just answering in his fantasy world where we're just like praising him and asking him to come on the program. Right.

And we're just doing a bunch of bits about dogs looking off. I found a real pantry email. Oh, yeah. Let's do that. So let's say this guy writes same name. Yes. Same name. Pardon me.

Pardon me. All right. Pardon me. He's Asian. He's an olive oil from the family Pantry. Yes. And have been using it as lube when I masturbate. This sounds real.

This sounds real. I had been keeping the bottle in my bedside drawer. When I arrived home from school the other day, I was about to go for a quick wink when I realized the olive oil had been replaced by a real bottle of lube. Oh. Yes, dude. While the upgrade has enhanced the masturbating experience, I am so alarmed that someone knows of my habits. Right. I can't possibly ask who switched the bottles.

Definitely can't. And have no idea how to approach the issue. Yes. What should I do? Run and hide. Run and hide. Yeah. And hide.

Nothing. It's funny that he's like, this is so embarrassing as he's jerking off with the lube that's been replaced. Have you guys ever done the emergency lube replacement of something in a pantry? What's interesting to me, I've never. What's interesting to me is that someone was able to put the pieces together that the olive oil, he was using it for masturbation. Like a cool mom or something. Yeah. But how does that mom even put it?

If it's in your top drawer, then she knows that. Everything in your top drawer is basically used for masturbation. Everything in your top drawer, your desk drawer is like masturbation. That's how I know I grew up, because now I keep my lotion in a bathroom. And now I don't have to share a bathroom with my mom and my sisters and my dad. I'm like, okay. This is my olive oil. That's right.

What you've got to do is start just like putting other stuff from the pantry in your desk. So your mom thinks maybe it wasn't... Some lettuce. A radish. Oh, I just like... A radish! He leaves a radish there and then the next day it's just an anal bead. I see what you're doing.

You're shoving a salad up your ass. You're the crazy one, mom. You're mental. Do you think ironically enough the olive oil was extra virgin? Hey, this is if I were you. Drop the mic. Drop the mic. Tip it over on the ground.

One second, because it's kind of... These are a sense of my career, but I'll tilt it. I think you should drop it. I really think that warrants a little... Hold on one second. You guys talk, because I can't... If I drop it, then I can't drop it. I think you should drop it.

I'll lower it off to the ground. Slowly, slowly. Just kiss the ground with it. So I'm starting to lower it now. Yep. This is such a wrap, mom. And remember what he said was... How long am I...

Just tip it. Come on. Dip it into the ground. The olive oil was also extra virgin. Extra virgin. Oh, the crowd goes crazy. And here we go. I just feel bad is all.

No, no. Just tip it. On the ground. It's not even reaching the ground. Yeah, it would... It will. It will. All right.

Nice. Boom! Great job, baby! Shit. Now, like, wait, guys. The mic stand is all like... A lot of static. Now, I can't, like, figure out the mic stand part of it.

It, like, tipped it over. That is one of those moments, though, as a kid. Like, I've never been caught masturbating by a parent. But I will say that that is one of those stomach drop moments. Yeah. Like, that is a... That is a hard... You'll never forget that.

Yeah. No way. You only remember, like, 10 things in between the age of 10 and 20, and that'll be, like, definitely one of them. I got caught with porn, like, multiple times when I was... Magazines? Videos? Everything.

Like, the first time I ever had porn was, like, I stole a playboy from my dad's office. Okay. And it was, like... My parents thought it was sort of funny. They, like, knew that I had it. And then there was a time when I, like, stayed home from school, and I was, like, looking at porn on the computer. This is before I knew that history was a thing.

Oh. And my dad came... I was... My dad came home mid... I used to print out nude pictures from the Internet. Oh, my God, Jake. My dad came home for lunch. I was home alone.

My dad came home. He was, like, what are you doing? And I was, like, I was watching TV. And I, like... He was, like, why is the printer turned off? I was, like... It's still print... It's, like, a dot matrix.

It's still going... Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wasn't this only in my hometown, but in school playgrounds, like, in the sand and stuff, if there was ever, like, a magazine page, like, in the sand, you knew immediately it was, like, weird porn.

Oh, interesting. Wait, what sand? You used to find stuff in the woods. Like, in the sandbox. Oh, like, in the woods or something? Yeah, in the woods or something. Of the elementary school? Yeah.

If you would just ever see a ripped page, a magazine page, anywhere in society, frankly, it was, like, some sort of weird porno page. What a weird dystopian past that we had, where we, like, we needed printouts of porn. They should have that in, like, Mad Max. Everybody should, you know, have, like, the gas mask and their, like, water pouch, and then also a tiny little... Yeah. And then at the end, he has a lever that drops, like, tits everywhere.

They're like, oh, my God, Valhalla, it's finally here. That's the porn. That's the bandwidth. That was an enormous waste of water, by the way. At the end, for a city so needing of water, just to pour it out, I mean, get some tubes going at least. I don't have a show of a change in the future, but, like, you really shouldn't just let it flow forever.

Yeah. There's, like, not a lot. Right. At least have a little plan. I agree. Totally. Yeah. Let's take a break and thank a few more sponsors, and then we'll be right back with more Mad Max

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Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you Squarespace. Hey, we're back. What was with the spray paint, the silver spray paint that that guy was eating? Was that like food to him or a drug? It's like it just got him jacked up a little bit. I feel like when it got into his mouth, that would do more damage than good. Yeah.

Yeah. Spray it in the air or something like that. I don't think they cared about the damage it was doing to their body. They were all disgusting and depraved and they had like goiters on their neck that were killing them slowly. I know. But if I didn't have water, the last thing I would do is like spray like noxious gas into my mouth.

Well, you can't really, I mean, it's like talking to a meth head about being like, oh, are you well hydrated? Yeah. They weren't even actually thinking. Sort of missing the force for the trees there. Yeah, exactly. Did you guys like that movie? Mad Max?

I love Mad Max. Well, at least when I watched it, I was giggling the whole time, thinking everyone's going to think this is like an absurd non-story and then we left and people were like, that movie just changed my life. I had the same exact experience, but not with, no, with Mad Max, but not with the story. I was like, this is too loud and crazy, like people are not liking this, right? And then when I left, I saw it with Jake and Marty and they're like, that was one of the best movies I've ever seen.

And you were like, give us a shout out. I almost had to leave. It was so loud. Yeah. We have like sense. We're sensitive. It was really loud. Too loud.

Too loud. None of you guys liked it? I liked it on second viewing. The first time I have it, well, we saw it together, right? Yeah. Yeah, we saw it together. And yeah, it seemed to me like a shit, like one chase scene. I was like, well, this is like, silly, like I get that it's like cool and whatever, but

like this is kind of dumb. Like there's literally no story. Yeah. The making of Mad Max is probably a much better movie than Mad Max to me. Yeah. Right. But everyone loved it. I think we're in the minority.

I think that's fine. I love action movies. I thought it was fucking dope. It was. It did not disappoint in any way. Yeah. Jake, you've gone to Burning Man. Because you can control the volume.

Exactly. I was just saying that you've been to Burning Man much like Adam and I have. Did you see Shades of Burning Man in Mad Max? Totally. I mean, the monster cars are the art cars all exist there. They all it's they're the same thing. It's Burning Man. It is Burning Man.

And I mean, like the dystopian thing where there's no, there's no money. There's you're always thinking about how do I get water? Right. That's true. And also I was kidnapped and strapped to a car. What was that too? In Burning Man. It was by Charlie Storm.

Yeah. It was a lot like Mad Max. The whole theme punk vibe is like, yeah. Would you go? Would you go on here? Never, ever, ever. Never go to Burning Man. Yeah.

That would be like watching Mad Max for a week straight for me. Got it. Right. Only I'm actually in the desert. Right. So it's even less comfortable. Do you like camping? I like camping after the fact.

So when I'm done, I'm like, oh, I'm glad I went camping, but I'm never actively seeking to go camping. You like having camped. Yeah. I like having gone camping. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly.

I'm glad I did. I feel a little refreshed. Yeah. It's like exercise for my mind, for my soul. I went on a trip to Morocco and I didn't know how much I enjoyed it, or I couldn't even tell myself I enjoyed it until I got home and was eating Wendy's in America. And I was like, oh, Morocco was great. That's part of the, I think that's a part of the whole entire camping experience and

the Burning Man experience. Like, I never appreciated a shower as much as I did in a Motel 6 in Reno when I finally got back. It's like, oh my God. I know. Makes the heart grow fonder, right? As they say. Your bar of comfort is lowered way, way down.

I actually have a question about the olive oil masturbator, though. Oh, yeah. I just have a few thoughts on that, which is I would be concerned that I would get, much like George Costanza in that episode of Seinfeld, that I would get my hunger and erotic instincts confused. Pavlovian. If you're masturbating with food, that, to me, it's just... That oil.

Can you imagine if this guy could also suck his own dick? And how amazing that would taste? And he was Italian. A little butter olive. Like, maybe some... A vinaigrette. Just a little bit of vinegar would really go a long way. Yeah.

Like a balsamic. Yeah. I just wonder if he's out to dinner and all this... Yeah, the Italian, the waiter comes over and says, like, a little olive oil and vinaigrette. Does he get horny? I would say nothing comes out of a bottle more like semen than olive oil out of that little metal spigot. At the stopper.

It's so funny to imagine him at a restaurant with his mom with, like, them pouring, like, just a little bit of olive oil over a big, long piece of meat. Oh. Honey, why are you putting olive oil on your hotdog? Those two... I don't know, mom. I don't know. You're breathing awfully heavily right now, Jeremy.

The telltale hotcock. Just fucking Pavlovian response sensory overload. I can't take it anymore. Exactly. I masturbate with oil. Is that healthy? Like, what if the olive oil got into his urethra? Yes, exactly.

I think that's fine. Okay. I'm a doctor. I guess you can eat it so it's, like, fine. It's organic. Yeah. If you can eat it, you can also shove it in your dick. That's true.

I actually have a little bit of mashed potatoes at my coffee right now. Yeah. A gravy. Well, how about what would you do? Would you go around, like, a witch hunt, asking who replaced the bottle? No, of course not, because then you tell everyone in your family. Correct. You really have to guess correctly.

That you masturbate. Like, right now, best case scenario, only one person knows. Yeah. And they replaced it before anybody else. You'd have to nail it. You know what you do? You put olive oil all over the house in weird places. That's like, you throw them off the train.

It's like, yes, of course there was olive oil. Like, why would you put cream here? Like, I also, did you not look in, like, the bathroom cabinet? Like, I put it, and did you not look in, like, the living room on the living room table? Then your problem is so much weirder. It's like, I don't, I wasn't using it to lubricate my masturbation. I just hide it around the house. Right.

Okay. Well, now you have to see a therapist. Exactly. I once got in a car with some friends of ours, and one of our friends is a terrible driver, and I meant to text another one of our friends saying, I didn't know that I was going to be in the murder car, because the murder car was driven by this friend who was inevitably going to kill us. Well, it turns out that I sent that text to her.

Whoops. And so my fight-or-flight moment decision was, send her 10,000 more texts with nonsensical sentences. Yeah, bury it. Until she would approach me and be like, hey, what's that deal with all these wacky sentences? And it worked. It did work. And it worked, because that sentence was part of a plethora of other, like, nonsense.

But it was the first one. Exactly. Yeah. It's like you buried it in the middle. Exactly. The first one. And so that's why I say, put olive oil now all over your house. There's jars of olive oil everywhere.

And then masturbation will just be another possibility. Maybe he has just a weird thing. I'd rather be a guy in the cabin, and she like replaces it with toothpaste. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly. It doesn't even need to be olive oil. You can just start putting things where they don't belong all over your house. So this lady, this lady, the driver gets out of the car, looks at her phone, and then

she has 50 messages from him. Yes. And so that would be on the murder car. Second one is what? The next one was just like, haha, when are you getting here? And it was just like, now she has no idea what's going on. Yeah. And then the third one is like, my name is Prince Edward.

Yes, it's literally like the challenge was coming up with so many different non-connecting sentences to just make it seem like this crazy. And we got to the restaurant we were going to, and as soon as she didn't see any of those texts until she sat down and then she looks up, she's like, Billy, 50 texts, you're so weird. And I was like, I'm so weird. And I'm looking at all my friends like, fucking murder car, murder car, I almost murdered myself.

The funniest thing is if you sent her 50 texts to throw her off and then the car flipped over to you. Yeah. There are no clues here. I mean, there was a murder text thing, but there was also 50 other ones. Billy gets blamed for the murder. It was this guy that had texted her 50 times. It looked like he had had a stroke or something because he texted her pretty much 50 non-sequitur

texts. But you got to know your audience because a savvy person would read the first one and be like, what the hell is this all about? Yeah. Question that immediately before going through the next 49. That's right. Gameboy, do you have a question, a last word to search? Yes.

Yes, the Gameboy does. Okay. Hen. Is it a good one? That awkward moment to Hen. Hen is good. Hen is good. TfH, that feeling, Hen.

This is really funny. Some guy... How many Hen emails are there? Right now there are eight. One of them is lonely and horny, forward. The guy's last name was Hen. Okay. Chris Hen?

No, not Chris Hen. One is from BJ's restaurant, one is from an animal group. It looks like there's only two real questions. Pretty good. The Gameboy looks content, but troubled. Gameboy wants it even more. This is worse than a law. This is funny.

I'll read this question and when I get to the word Hen, you guys are going to love it. Yes. This is exciting. Do you have a name for us? Tittle. What? Tittle.

It's like Oprah, one word. Tittle. Why? Yo, I'm Tittle. Tittle, right. Tittle. I'm a senior in high school and there's a girl in my orchestra that I kind of like. We talk every day and there is some definite flirting going on.

We went on one date, but it was very casual. Since Hen, we have talked ... What a type of ... Since Hen. Then later they go to a chicken rooster farm, so it does come up. Since Hen, we have talked and the spark fizzled out a bit. Since we had Thursday and Friday off, Wednesday night, the school hosted a dance and the whole time she was grinding on one of my friends with me standing right there. Jesus.

Love grinding. Love that we weren't dating at all and I'm not mad whatsoever at her friend, but I don't know where to go from here. She has told me that she liked me one time over text and one of her friends also told me that she likes me. I want to make this girl official, but after Wednesday, I feel weird asking her out. After her and my friend grinded all night long, should I just ask my friend if he's cool with it?

I already asked him if they were a thing and he said, I don't know, probably not. So what should I do? This girl's really great and I like her a lot. We should talk about grind culture for a second. I want grinding. I mean, Jake, it seems like you understand grinding like I understand grinding. I fucking love grinding. Did everyone here grow up in a grinding at sweet 16s environment where dancing wasn't...

There was no space between you and your dancing. My bar mitzvah was the first time I grinded. Yeah. Really? I would grind with anybody. My friends, girlfriends, my friends. And it's always you're both facing the same way? It can go one way.

No, it's got to be, I love face-to-face grinding. Oh, no. You go... Fuck, it doesn't even matter. I like butt-to-butt grinding. Oh, that's interesting. Oh, facing away grinding. Yeah, I just grind my ass on her ass.

Yeah, or a wall. Yeah. We would call them reggae lines too. Did you guys call them reggae lines? Is that when everyone's grinding in a ring? It's basically a bunch of horny, pubescent teens almost like braiding their knees together so that their penises and her butt are just jamming. The song, Too Close, by Nex.

Step back, you're feeling kinda close. Yeah. Feel a little poke coming through from you. That's a boner. That's a boner. That song's all about grinding. Now, you're grinding, you felt it. Boy, you know I can't help it.

You know what I wanna do. You masturbate with olive oil. Yeah. It's the coda. I remember going from like sixth grade, we were slow to... It was all about slow dance. Yes. And you get a small erection.

And like the goal was to like stand far enough away. Yeah. She cannot feel it. And then one year later, seventh grade is like, oh, I want everyone to feel the erection. And she gotta get close. And she wants to feel it on her poop. And grinding is really physically grinding on one another. Yeah.

It's basically dry humping on the dance floor. It's the most you can fuck without fucking. I'm 30. I love grinding. Still. I'm with you, Jake. Who would want a good grind? MTV's the grind.

So to this kid's question, I wouldn't be... I think everyone on earth loves grinding. There's no cheating. You're not cheating. And you're not even showing necessary like, I choose you because I'm grinding with you. I think everybody just wants to get a good grind. That's just adolescent hormones overflow with. Yeah.

It's just, I can't even stand my dick not rubbing against anything. And if it's rubbing against another vagina or a butt, like that's the best feeling you can get. Literally the best too. Like grinding means a lot to those people. Right. That could be the equivalent of making out. She might like this dude, but she might also like the guy she's grinding with.

I don't think that you need to like pay any credence to the grind though. Exactly. Like the fact that it happened is fine and just keep on operating like it never happened. And you bring up making out somehow, even though boners and butts are in the grinding equation, it's still less intimate than making out. I would feel like that girl is not as necessarily interested. If she was making out with that dude, that's a different story. Hold it from ball game.

Hold it from ball game. The fact that she has your best friend's boner in her butt on the dance floor, it's still somehow less intimate and she's making less of a big choice. Because she's fabulous. That's just dancing. That's just dancing. Man, that's just MTV's The Grind. Yeah.

So I wouldn't sweat it. I would in fact just try and grind up on any other person that seems like a willing partner. You should be grinding yourself. Yes. Yes. So go for it. Find a willing grinder out there.

Go for it. You already wrote for it. Get your grind on. Guys, thank you so much for coming on the show. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for coming on the show. Oh my god, thanks for having us.

I feel like I learned a lot about penises and food. Yeah, olive oil and grinding. Basically. Grinders. The opening theme song, again, was written by that band Kuro Kuma, and this last one is written by Danny Steele. Love it. Nice.

Can I just exit with an image for everybody? Sure. It's just that guy pouring olive oil down his pants and then walking confidently out to a dance floor to cry on somebody. It's like you describing a Gillo Zerry snap. Exactly. Why not? Pouring olive oil down his pants and walking away.

To crying. All right. Cool. We'll be back next week. Thanks for listening, everybody. Later. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.