If I Were You - 22: Who Knows Amir Better (w/Avital Ash!)

Episode Date: April 1, 2024

In this episode Avital and Jake play a rousing game of who knows Amir better. Then Avital reads a poem and discusses her one woman show, "Avital Ash Workshops Her Suicide Note" (tickets now available at AvitalAsh.com!)Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HITGUM original. there. Now here's one more effort for only positive motivations, they swear! Second. Another podcast. Second. Each app different from the last. Second. It's the Swiss Army knife of choice. Now let's meet your two emphatic hosts. Second. Eat him. Eat your two emphatic hopes. Eat him, eat him, finish him. I was trying to do the dab for you.

Yeah. All right. This is our second, third guest, but it's a little hard to navigate. Fortunately, we're with Avital, who's right next to me. It's better in this because of it. Yeah. Avi Tall Blumenfeld, correct me if I'm wrong. No, you're wrong.

You guys got married. It's a mere ash. It's a mere ash. Yes, a small rash. For this ash. That's right. He refused. He's not a feminist.

Ash is objectively the better name, but I can't let go of Blumenfeld or my mom will be really, really upset with me. Yeah, Ash is definitely, Ash Owens. I might change my last name to Ash. Do it, that's good. It's perfect. Yeah, Jack Ash. And Gillian Blumenfeld.

I love that for her. For who? For Jill. For Gemma. Gemma, Ash, Vogel, Hurwitz III, and Feld. Oh my god. Gemma Ash is pretty good too. Definitely.

Alright, I'll take her. We got some fun segments planned, but we wanted to have you on because you have live shows. Yes, and I was hoping to influence people greatly into coming to the show. Obviously, you rehearsed this pitch. Sell it. Let's go. Come, please. You have nine minutes. If you like what you see on this podcast, there's no more of where this came from in

the show. All right, I'll do it. It's a one woman show called Avitalash Workshops for Suicide Note. It got rave reviews at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. That's right. Edinburgh. So you know, just listen to us. Don't call it Edinburgh.

Why did you do that? Edinburgh. Edinburgh. Edinburgh. Real journalists liked it too. So it's not just our biased opinion. Jake, you haven't seen it yet, but I assume you'll be at the New York show. So we can say hi to everybody there. I will be at the New York show.

Four stars from The Telegraph and the Chortle, not the Chortle, just Chortle. And the Scotsman and five stars from Distractify and four from Entertainment Now. Once I said the five and I go back down to the four, it doesn't sound as good, but four is a big deal. Four is the max that they give, or are they all out of five stars?

Let's say they're all out of three. They're all out of three. But distract if I gave you four out of four. Yeah, that's amazing. Thank you. So you have shows in LA on April 30th, New York on May something, fifth, sixth, fourth. It's a good thing for me to know.

And then London, and then you're back to Scotland. Those are the big four. Yeah, London's and then to Edinburgh. Back to Edinburgh. Scotland. Okay. That's right, back where it all began. I'll be in New York on May 4th. Okay.

At 5pm at Union Hall. May the fourth be with you. Thank you. I know that venue well. And I will be there. Oh yeah? Good rooms, but not huge rooms, so act fast. Yeah, act now. We're selling really fast in LA. Not as fast in New York, so, but get on it.

The first segment is about me. The first what is about you? Wait, you didn't tell anybody where they can get tickets, right? It doesn't matter. Oh yeah, Avitalash.com. Avitalash.com. And in the show notes, obviously, right? Oh yeah, we'll put it over. That's the name of this episode. You should probably grab Avitalash.com. Avitalash.com. And in the show notes, obviously, right?

Oh yeah, we'll put it up. That's the name of this episode. You should probably grab Avital Blumenfeld just in case. Just in case, yeah. Or listener. And Amir should grab Amir Ash. That's true. I already have Amir Ash on my ass.

Yeah. I don't appreciate you disrespecting my last name like that. The first segment is about me. It's called, Who Knows Amir Better? Great. Who has spent more time with me than you two in the last decade plus?

No one. So now it's time to find out who knows me the most. I came up with 20 questions. Get ready to lose, loser. What? Oh my God. I've known him longer. I know. But you've had sex with him. So I feel like. What? Really? Well. That's the first question actually. I've seen your dick. I could answer this. Yeah, I tried to make this egalitarian. Questions that are a mix of new, old, fun, real, factual,

opinionated. So hopefully we get no advantages for either one of you. That was my goal. Okay. Yeah. We'll start with an easy one, and this is how I'm going to score it. Jake, you get a question, and Avital gets a question. And if she misses, do I get to steal? Do I get to answer her question for some kind of bonus? Yeah, you think of that. Not a bonus, but you get to take her point.

And I get to answer my own questions. Yeah, all right. Can I buzz in? If I really know the answer, can I buzz in over Avital? You don't have to know. You don't have to... No, you can't cut her off. You can't cut her off. Okay. Her questions are hers and hers alone. Well, unless he steals.

So mine, but not mine alone. Yes. Unless you get it wrong. Yes. There are also... What are we playing for? What's the grand prize? A kiss.

Get ready to lose, loser. A kiss from Jill. I'm gonna owe you, poser. I don't know how to trash talk that much. I'm gonna owe you. I'm gonna owe you. I'm gonna owe you, poser. I don't know how to trash talk that much. I'm gonna owe you. I'm gonna owe you. I'm gonna owe you. Get ready to lose loser I don't know how to trash talk that I'm trying I think the winner is just gonna be have for the rest of their lives the bragging rights to knowing me better

It's more like you were talking about is it? The famous football player Tom Brady that team that like winning doesn't necessarily feel good But losing feels really bad. I think whoever loses will carry such intense shame for the rest of their lives. Yeah, right. That's more. Winning is expected for each of us.

Yes, exactly. The default. All right, and as always, feel free to play at home. Yeah. Yeah. Send your answers to amirash at gmail.com. First question. We'll start with a layup, an easy one, a softball.

Jake, what year was I born? What year was I born? I don't know. born 1983 is what I'm pretty sure is the correct answer that is correct all right one point for Jake he's currently in the lead well that's not fair did you know that one did you know that one, but I did start to doubt myself because of math, but I did know it. I knew it was 82 or 83. Sort of obvious, but a little bit math-based, yeah.

Yeah, that was what gave me the fear because I was trying to confirm it with math and I was like, just go with your gut, Herwitz, you got this. I had the same procedure process. The stakes couldn't be higher. We're excited. I'm terrified. process procedure process the stakes couldn't be higher more excited okay avital drinking the water like marco rubio

that was gin she's on a beta block don't tell him avital yeah what was the name of my childhood dog? Steel. I obviously know this, but it's nerves getting to me, Chico. That's correct, Chico. I got so scared and all I could think was Fluffy because Chico was Fluffy, but Chico was not named Fluffy.

So you never met Chico. He was a small little snowflake, fluffy white dog. Jake, you did meet Chico. That's right. You met him in his old age. He was very protective. Yeah, Chico and I had a bond. Wow. He didn't bite me.

I was one of the few men he didn't attack. My childhood friends all feared Chico because he would sort of bite their feet and shoes and draw blood sometimes. Did you think he was a little asshole or he was too nice to you? He was sweet to me and he had an underbite with like a little tooth that stuck out. So I like that And to Jake he was a sweet boy too on september 12th 2001 Jake I decided the show must go on and I saw one of my favorite bands in concert

What band was that? This is the day after 9 11? What band was that? This is the day after 9-11. Day after, I think we've talked about this recently, so I'm gonna guess Weezer. That is correct. Wow, I didn't know that, but that was absolutely my guess. Yeah, so I didn't know whether Weezer would cancel the show at the Oakland Coliseum.

Yeah, not a lot of bands out there that Amir would call his favorite. Yeah. It's sort of bands out there that Amir would call his favorite. Yeah. It's sort of either that or Ben Folds, but I did see Weezer the day after 9-11, they said the show must go on and I attended as well. The show went on. We needed it.

Yeah. That day specifically. For morale. Otherwise the terrorists would. The true Americans. As you can see, the questions are starting to get a little crazy. Wow. Here we go.

Avital. Yeah. What sleepaway camp did I attend growing up? You didn't sleep away. You went home. Correct. The trick question. All my friends went to Camp Al-Anim, but I did not.

I was too afraid to sleep away from my parents' house. Yes, you were a wuss. Wow, Jake, would you have gotten that? That might have got me. I knew Al-Anim and I was prepared to guess Al-Anim, but say, but caveat it by saying that you didn't go there for very long. Yeah, that's correct.

But I knew, yeah, okay. Way to survive that trick question. That was dangerous. Eat my guts. Eat my guts. We're tied. Eat my guts. Whatever. Eat my ass, Hurwitz. Eat my butthole.

Eat my ash hole. Okay. Very original, Jake. I have two true or false questions, so there's no rebuttal. If you get it wrong, the other person doesn't get a chance because you just got it wrong. But each one of you gets a true false right now.

Okay. What do you guys think of the segment so far? That's not the true false. I like it. Yeah, it's good, right? Okay. Yeah, it's really good. Yeah, I love it.

True or false? True or false? I have not purchased a single article of clothing since the pandemic began four years ago. of clothing since the pandemic began four years ago. I have not purchased one article of clothing since the pandemic began four years ago. Man, it definitely seems true when I see your outfits. They're definitely repeating,

you're wearing a lot of clothes that I know for a fact you got for free. I'm curious if you, I mean, obviously you're not counting shoes, because shoes are an article of clothing. Not counting shoes, I bought shoes, yeah. Yeah, I feel like you would have had to have gotten a t-shirt here or there,

but I know your mom buys a lot of clothes for you. I'll go ahead and I'll guess true. You can not say yet and then there is still an option. Oh yeah, you could pass, I should say. Well, no, not you. Well, I don't wanna pass. Not pass, I just mean. I'm not gonna pass to Ash.

Don't pass, don't pass. You're gonna get the, it's true. True or false? True, I have. Loser! Wrong, I have purchased. You came gonna get the... True or false? True, I have. Loser! Wrong, I have purchased... You came to our wedding, he had to buy a suit. I bought a suit, I also bought that pink pullover

that I wear a lot now, which is sort of new, plus an article of clothing, and underwear, socks for sure. I haven't bought a lot, but I have bought some clothes. Jake is a loser, oh my God! So you're stuck on true. Let's see how you do with your true false, Ash. What I was saying is you can't steal, but I was like, you could, I could say my guess

before you gave the answer, was what I was trying to say. Oh, I see. So just to prove that you knew it. Well, like, and for the point, no, not just to prove that I knew it, just before you said true or false. But I would have guessed whatever you guessed, because you would know that one better than me.

You live at the house, you see the packages arrive've seen you've seen the pink hoodie the pink pullover Yeah, sorry. Yeah, but also you did know about a wedding. Yeah, the suit was also a good loophole I didn't even think about that. Yeah, I feel like you're I'm smarter than you guys I feel like your mom bought that for you. Yeah, that doesn't count. I think your dad did. Yeah, my dad paid for it for sure Yeah Okay, true or false about that for you. Yeah, that doesn't count. I think your dad did that. Yeah, my dad paid for it for sure. Yeah. Okay. True or false?

This is for Abhi Tal. I memorized pi to the 50th digit in middle school for a talent show. Wow. True or false? I don't know the answer to this, but I'm also gonna go with true. I'm gonna say false

because you did it for no reason. Wow, we both failed the true or false. Amazing. This is based on a thing that I did do. I would believe that. In third grade, I memorized every president in order for a talent show, but I never did it with Pi. Both of those things seemed true, but were actually false.

I got you both. Wow. Good stuff. Unreal. Yeah. I also tweeted recently, I have big memorized Pi to. Good stuff. Unreal. Yeah. I also tweeted recently, I have big memorized pie to the 50th decimal point energy. Yeah.

I believe that about you. It does feel like something I would do. It's like I hardly even know you. Okay, you guys are stuck at two each. You can still get this thing in old because you haven't had sex with him you said. Yeah, yeah, that's true. That's the rule.

It's so biblical. I think if you haven't consummated. that's true. That's the rule, it's so biblical. I think if you haven't consummated. I show them the sheets with no blood on it and I'm like, this doesn't count. Are you guys done fucking flirting in front of me? Hey Jake. Oh come on, you love it. You fucking cunt.

You get off to this shit. All right Jake, let's go PG. What is my favorite? Sorry, that's how you flirt. What is my favorite dessert? I know this one. Come on. I should have had Jake's questions.

Well, I didn't want to give you the layups. I wanted to make it a little bit out of both of yours comfort zone. Yeah, I mean, it feels like it has to be a chocolate, it's a chocolate chip cookie. Incorrect, that's your favorite dessert. It's yours too. Yes, Avital. Oh wait, she could steal actually.

I can, hell yeah, it's a Rice Krispie Treat. That's correct, Rice Krispie Treats. I was so prepared to be two points in the lead that I forgot that I failed the true or false. I was like, I'm too, oh no, I'm not. I also lost that one. I guess I should have known that. But you really do like cookies. Your background on Twitter was cookies for a long time. Excuse me. Uh oh. Loser.

All right, here's one. What are you saying so hard, you loser? By what point? Let's not get cocky because we're only four questions deep. There's 900 to go. What product did I use in my hair in ninth grade when I had a middle part? A middle part in ninth grade. Not this specific brand.

I'm talking about what product did I put my hair to make it stay that way. Gel. Gel is incorrect. Incorrect. Jake, you could steal this. Wait, you're not even talking about the specific brand? Not the specific brand, but it wasn't gel. It wasn't.

I guess I'll, Bedhead, Moose. Moose is correct. Wow. I will say, what is my second best? Was it Bedhead? It was Mo Moose is correct. Wow. I will say, what is my second best? Was it bedhead? It was moose, but I forgot the brand. No, I don't think it was bedhead, but it was specifically a foamy ass moose that had

Moose, I know, I know, because I use the same thing. Yeah. We're back to even. This is rigged. This whole election is rigged. I had a middle part as well. Good on you. This is fun, this is whole election is rigged. Had a middle part as well. This is fun, this is fun, okay.

Jake, now that it's tied three, three. What is my TikTok handle? Okay, Bloomer, finally. That was an easy one, come on. That's correct. I mean, you went viral. Don Lemon said your name, brother, come on. You cheated with that one was. I mean, you went viral. Don Lemon said your name, brother. Come on.

You cheated with that one. You're trying to make Jake win. You're trying to take my crown away. Avi Tall. That's me. How many uncles do I have? How many uncles Do I have? Jake's thinking too.

And if we're talking straight up parents, brother, we're not getting cutesy with like, oh, my best friend's dad who raised me or some shit. We're talking about straight capital U, avuncular uncles. I want to say two, but I'm afraid it's three. Because there's definitely your dad's brother who I know and we see. And then there's your mom's brother who's a sort of patriarch. But then are there others?

I don't think I think it's other brothers, kids and their offshoots. Fuck he gets okay. Bloomer. How many uncles? This is fucking rigged. I guess I'll say two. Two is incorrect. And I will say three.

Three is correct. My mom has two brothers. I thought so, but I wasn't sure. You forgot about Sagi. Didn't you forget about Sagi? I was thinking about Sagi, but Sagi's not, he's too young. he's someone's kid. That's correct, Sigi is a cousin, my cousin married Sigi.

Oh wow, interesting. Well, eat my asshole. So Jake got it right because you sort of, they are the down to two choices for him. Yeah. Menasha is the uncle and Yossi. And I thought Sigi was your uncle. Yeah.

Yossi, I know. Sigi not my uncle. Yeah. Okay Jake. Can't forget about Menasha. Can never forget. Fuck. me not my uncle. Yossi I know. Yeah. Yeah. Okay Jake. Can't forget about Monashah. Can never forget. Fuck. Okay Jake.

Fuck. It's not over. It is five to three though. So you're gonna have to steal some points from him. Okay bloomer. It's overish. Jake. This is unreal.

How many marathons have I run? Ooh. How many marathons? The New York City, the Richmond, you did one in Canada. I think you did one in Detroit. I'm gonna say four. That is correct. Wow.

I know. Could you do that, Amitav? Could you do that? No, I was gonna, I would've gotten that wrong. You were incorrect. Didn't do one in Detroit. It was Philadelphia. Nice. But four is the correct answer. But it was four. All right. And I was right. Three out of four, right?

Yeah. Okay. Things are heating up. If you win this, I'm gonna kill myself. We're going- Let's just party. We'll go workshop that suicide note, bud. Nice. I'll be tall after that comp. Let's take a break right here. Come back with more questions. More questions and answers after these messages.

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Gorgeous. That's rocketmoney.com slash segments. Thanks Rocket Money. All right, we're back. Okay, I'll be tall. We're back to true false. Okay. Doital, we're back to True or False. Okay. Do you still want to play? True or False?

I feel like I ran away with this. Oh, I should say- Is there a mercy rule? Jake has five, you have three, but we're not halfway there yet. Okay. So there's still plenty of time. Out of how many, how far are we? Uh, 10 questions each.

Okay, what are we at? Uh, eight. Math, again. Correct. True or False. I never had my wisdom teeth removed. I never had my wisdom teeth removed. I know you had braces.

Oh, we've talked about it. I get to steal this one? Do you know the answer? Oh, you can't because it's a true or false. So no stealing. Oh yeah, that's right. Good use of the rule. False. False is incorrect.

I've never had my wisdom teeth removed. I never had wisdom teeth. They never came in. No, that's right. I would have gotten that one. You have less teeth than normal. Oh, I really meant it as you didn't have them out. Oh wait, that is correct.

I never had my wisdom teeth removed. You said true. Yes. Okay, yeah, yeah, sorry, sorry, sorry. I said, but I presume, what is this technicality? You did not have your wisdom teeth removed. Hold on, Tio, Tio, what's going on? I phrased it incorrectly.

I never had my wisdom teeth removed. This is like a VAR review. It's true. I don't think so. It's true. This question is null. I will say the way that I answered, I should lose, but I did know it and I was,

I promise you trying to say you did not have them out. Cause I do remember you saying, I'm not smart enough to even have wisdom teeth. So that was why I was like, wait, you didn't. No, you did, you said true and he said, I've never had them removed. I never had my wisdom teeth. Yeah, yeah.

So it is true. I think I said false. I said true? Yeah, it was, you should say true. I didn't say false. I thought I said false, I said true. Yeah, it was I didn't say false I thought I said false but meant false. You didn't have them removed. I think you said true It was like a double negative. They'll know the listeners, but I meant if I if I lose then this will come back But I think I'm gonna win pretty comfortably anyway

No Okay, I swear I did my intentions were true true. Were pure. Yes. I'm you didn't have them out. Even if the game is rigged, mine, my intentions are pure. Look, you got okay, bloomer. So that was a fucking that was a rigged election. Come on. Yeah. Okay. I also was able to uncle steal. That was pretty true or false? I tried to wear contacts in college, but my eyes rejected them. I'm going to say that is false. You just didn't like the way contacts felt.

Correct, I never. Steal! I never wore contacts actually. Okay, great. So whatever your rationale, yeah, false is correct. I never wore contacts actually. Okay. So whatever your rationale, yeah, false is correct. So Jake has six, Avital has four. Okay. Okay.

I'm going to come back. You're going to come back. And you'll be sorry. Choke on my dust, Avital. Suck my dick, Jacob. What is my favorite movie? Fuck you, dude. I'm not going to repeat that.

I'm going to kill you. White man can't jump. That's correct. White man can't jump is my favorite movie. That one's easy. That one's easy. That's okay. Then you'll like this follow-up question. What is my second favorite movie? Fuck that shit. I don't like, I get second favorite movie. It's a few good men. That's correct. That's what I would have said too. Six. Even though there's like two or three that could be. Well that's brings us to my next question. What is my other second favorite movie? But it's my point.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now we're, the wheels are falling off. It's too late. And I have, I could give you, I think, I could give two more that are in there. Okay. Do you want to hear them? Are they not for points just to hear? I think either way you have six and Jake has seven, but he has a question coming up.

Okay, but will this give it? This? No, you've already got this. Does nothing. Are any movie titles the answers to questions that are coming up? No. I'll say also probably Life is Beautiful and Good Will Hunting. Yeah, I do like those movies a lot.

For you listeners that want to know Amir's third and fourth. Fourth and fifth favorite movie. Yeah. It's getting deep. All right, Jake, have I ever been on a cruise? I know this one. Have I ever been on a cruise? Man.

been on a cruise? Man. It seems like something your parents would do, but at the same time, I can't really picture you on a boat. You'd get seasick. I'll say no. The answer is yes. I have been on a cruise. The stakes couldn't be higher.

Jake stays at seven. Friend versus wife, we're tied now. When I was 16, my parents went on an Alaskan cruise and took me and my brother. Are we tied? That's exactly the kind of cruise I could have seen them going. You have six and Jake has seven,

but he could have leaped to eight. Okay. Okay. So you really need this. I do. This is the tie, Jake, for now. All right, I'll be tall. Okay. Growing up, I took two musical instruments lessons, two different kinds of instruments, the guitar and this. Piano. Correct. Nice. But it wasn't from your mom, right? It wasn't from my mom, though my mom did play the piano as well. Right, your mom plays piano,

but I remember you had lessons just not from her. That's correct. Yes, tied. Fun family fact, my mom took piano lessons from my dad's mom. That's right, I did know that. That's nice. That's sweet.

Because it was in the recesses of my brain. Yeah. Before they knew each other. Yeah, like when she was- I guess that's the kind of thing that comes out during pillow talk, because I never learned that information. Well, here's another thing that would come out

during pillow talk. I didn't get to fuck Blumenfeld with you. Me neither. All right, you guys are tied and there's three questions left. Relax, Luke, don't get too excited. Three each. No, three total, there's a tiebreaker.

Okay, Jake. I's a tiebreaker. Okay. Jake, what did I get on my SATs? What did I get on my SATs? 800 math, 640 verbal. That's correct. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Yes. I need this. I remembered because you and I got the same verbal score. I barely remember what SATs are. So I was. I don't remember what I got on my SATs. Yeah. All either. All right, one last, that was a really good poll. All right, Avital, this is to Ty Jake. Name the one university that rejected me from college. I applied to many schools, got into all but one. Can you name the school that told me no, no, no.

Stanford. That's correct. Wow. We're tied. How great, tied, and I made a lightning round. And I didn't even go to college, I don't. That's correct. Wow. We're tied. I'm great, tied and I made a lightning round. And I didn't even go to college. I don't know shit about school. Wait, how are we tied?

Don't I get one final question right now or did I went first? You went first, but I appreciate your anger. Luckily I thought of this. It's eight a piece. I have a lightning round to determine the winner, okay? You guys are gonna alternate, go back and forth until one of you can't name anybody The question is and avital you're gonna start

I'm gonna count so you guys can't take too long Name childhood friends of mine until somebody runs out over Jessie Rami if we are wrong if it's someone that doesn't count as childhood do you say wrong and we get to try again yeah sure okay she said Chris I'm picturing so many people but my brain is still working Sean Sean Perlin counts yeah yeah. Yeah. Uh, Jackie. Were you friends with Jackie? Yeah.

Okay. Uh, I'll say people that you dated are also friends and so Alexis. Yes. We're trying to stay high school or earlier, but yeah, she was a high school friend. Cohen. That counts. Cohen did come up with me. Andrew, what's his name?

What is his name? Can I just say Andrew? What's his name? That's his name. What's his last name? Five. Four. That's not how it works.

There was no timer button. Okay, I can shift gears while I try to remember his name. Oh, Heller. Josh Heller is correct. I said Heller. No, you did not. Did I say Heller? No, you said Ofer.

You said Jesse and Cohen. You said Jackie. I said Ofer and you said Jackie. Yeah, you said Jackie and Cohen. Yes, yes. You said Rami. Yeah, yeah, Rami came up. Heller's new.

Oh, Heller's new. What is Andrew's name? Oh, no. I go through the letters of the alphabet and have it ready. There's this fucking guy. I know this fucking guy. Chris Silver was a good pull. Yeah, that was a good.

Yeah. Oh, Mike Moss. That's really good. That's correct. I didn't even know you were friends with him. I thought that was a good pull. Yeah. Oh, Mike Moss. Wow, that's really good. That's correct. I didn't even know you were friends with him. I thought that was Sean's friend. Yeah, I knew him through Sean. Wow, deep pull. Wow, okay.

Um, hold on. If you guys both get one more, I'll call it a draw because this is really impressive. Does Nicole count? My cousin, no. You're friends with her. No. Oh yeah, then I'll fucking say, yeah, come on.

I don't think so. I don't think so, toots. I just need to remember his, I mean, first name should count. I know who you're thinking of, Andrew, who's friends with Ofer and all of them. Oh, I wasn't actually. Oh. But that's a good one. But you weren't friends with him.

No. That's not who I mean. I mean, he really liked the music at the wedding. And we set him up on a date with Jesse because your mom said that he needed to be set up with someone and it's name, I can see him. It's like if I got the family name, I would have it. I need to go through the letters of the alphabet. Can you guys like entertain yourselves and I'll do the game.

No, we got to go. You're going to run out of time. D, E. There's a chance Jake doesn't know one and we'll call it a split. No, he just said one. No, yeah, but now it's your turn. I said one, but yeah.

If you can't think of one and Jake can't think of one, I'll call it a tie, but Jake, you have a chance to steal right now, let's say that. God damn it. It's that kid that was your best friend growing up. Yes, yes. You both know. We're both thinking the same damn guy.

Yeah. Fuck. Are we forgetting any obvious friends? Oh, Michael Resnick, Michael fucking Resnick. Yes, yes Both thinking the same damn guy. Yeah Are we forgetting? Oh Michael resnick Michael fucking red? That's correct Was Michael Yeah, you need to get to R when you also had the first name wrong, pal. I think I know your husband a bit better. I would have had Michael. I would have had Jake Nordwind. I don't think so. It's way too late. I'm on James's side here. But I knew Michael Resnick. I just needed to find his name.

No, you thought his name was Andrew, to be fair. For a second, for a second. For more. Yeah, I think he thought it was Andrew until he said Michael Reznik. That's your husband's childhood best friend that he no longer talks to, really. You should know that. You guys got a lot deeper in the bag than I thought. Wow.

There was some- Oh, I'm gonna, I'll have sex with you if I win. Okay, technically, Andrew was a friend of mine, so I'm gonna give her two bonus points for that. We're gonna have sex for the first time. You're gonna consummate. Wow, that was really exciting. Great job, both of you guys.

Jake, the SAT poll, I think, was enough to earn you the W. Michael Resnick at the buzzer was really good, too. But we were both thinking of the same person. It must be said. We both had him. You got the name faster. I thought of him. Yeah.

But if you factor in how much weed I smoke, I feel like I did win that. That's cool. You have to give me more time. Again, to bring it back to SATs, it's like if you have ADHD, you can get more time. Yeah, on time. Which I do have ADHD, so I just deserved.

Well, I have dad brain and I still pulled that. You know? Okay, is just a section. Which I do have ADHD, so I just deserved. Well, I have dad brain, and I still pulled that, you know? Okay, I'll allow it. I have dad grass, actually, which is a combination of the grass brain and the weed. Congratulations, Jake. Oh, thank you. What a game. That was exciting. Eat my fucking apple.

I think we can all say the questions were great. They were, except for the loon. Yeah, good job. But I had an easy one, too. Yeah, we except for the loom. Yeah, good job. But I had an easy one too. Yeah, we should play this with Jill. Yeah, you should. Wow. Next segment.

Thank you to BetterHelp for sponsoring this episode of our show. Indeed, thank you. Jake, I don't know if you know this, but some people can feel overwhelmed. Quite easy to actually. Yes, sometimes life can get stressful. There's a laundry list of things you have to do

and suddenly you just don't have the emotional intelligence or bandwidth to deal with all of it. Exactly right. It can happen to anybody at any time. That's right, even me, I went to therapy and I found it helpful. It's helpful to just talk to a professionally licensed therapist.

Yeah, feels good. And the easiest way to find one is by going to BetterHelp because it's an online app that's designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. It's perfect. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. Wow, incredible.

You don't have to worry about driving to a place, awkward waiting room situation, being face-to-face. It's entirely online. It's private, it's secure, it's affordable. And you can get 10% off your first month. If you go to betterhelp.com slash segments today. Perfect. That's better help. H E L P dot com slash segments. You can start talking to someone feel better and even save 10% off your first month.

Perfect. So if you're feeling that ball of anxiety, you realize, oh my God, I've been tense for a month, a year, a decade. Um, best way to deal with that is by talking to somebody and the best way to talk to somebody is better help. That's right. Right on. So thank you.

Better help. Thank you. Dot com slash segments. Thank you to joy mode for sponsoring this episode of our Joy Mode. Nice. That's right. Let's talk about sex for a second. Are you okay Jake? I know you're kind of a prude. Yeah I'm very uncomfortable right now. You're religious. You think this is an off-topic conversation but I think it's kind of important to talk about sexuality. I have a stick up my ass, yeah. Yeah, you're prude.

You're absolutely prude, but I don't care. I'm gonna power through because Joy Mode is a sexual performance booster and it's all natural. My God, man. Yes, it's all natural and science-backed as a supplement to give your situation down there all the tools it needs and nothing it doesn't. I see.

The way it works is that you mix this wonderful concoction with six to eight ounces of water 45 minutes before sexual activity, and honestly, they say you can watch the magic unfold. Oh, very hot. I mean, sex is already great, so can you imagine sex plus six to eight ounces of water plus this joy mode?

Yeah. That would be insane. I mean, the joy that would be mowed it, I can't even imagine. Yes, it supports blood vessel support, cardiovascular and heart health, athletic performance. Imagine going so fricking long, you need to take a supplement

that supports athletic performance. How dope is that? Yeah, yeah, that's hot. That's athletic. And yes, general erection function. What are you laughing because I said the E word? That's funny to you. This isn't ninth grade.

We could talk about having a boner without giggling. Yeah, I'm not. Me? You are. Actually pretty funny myself. Hard on. And I have a hard out, so let's get out of here. Let's go to usejoymode.com and you get 20% off

with code segments at checkout. Okay, love it. That's 20% off and free shipping with code, use, J-O-Y-M-O-D-E.com. Okay. Thank you Joy Mode. Thank you. ["Iconz"]

All right, we're back. Wow, that was intense. We cut out, but Abital and Jake yelled at each other for half an hour right now. Mm-hmm. We had a falling out. And I won the fight. Yeah.

I won that. Finally won something. But let's play a new game that we've played before, but never with Abital. It's everybody's favorite. It's poetry or noetry. We need a theme song just for this. We do.

This is what the show is all about for me. So, so far, I've gotten Jake once. Jake's gotten me once. Out of how many? Three, I believe. Three attempts each. Avital's more of a poet than me. Sort of lands in the you sphere of things, Jake. Yeah. So this is Avital's attempt at a real poem. Of course, as you guys know, Avital's going to read three poems. One of them she wrote, two of them are real poems. We're going to try to sniff

it out. Should I? I'm nervous because think, I like the way Avital writes. I remember her vows at your wedding were very beautiful. And I actually cried during your vows and not his. If you can believe it. Wow, thank you. So I was trying my best not to crack up during your vows. You know what, thinking about it, my SAT score was 1450. Oh!

No, you guys go off and fuck. For the first time. I gotta cash it in now. Okay, so poetry or noetry, Avital edition. This is our first guest submission. So do you know the answer or you and I trying to decide together? I don't. I don't know the answer. Which is annoying because I wanted to be able to run it by him like, will this pass? But I didn't, I can't. All right, let's hear it. Okay, two of them are Leonard Cohen. Which is your favorite poet slash songwriter of all time?

Yeah, just my favorite everything. I'm nervous. You should be. I'm so nervous. I can really sniff these out. Well, not the Shakespeare one, but yeah, the other one. Yeah, that was good. Yeah, the other ones. Shakespeare was kind of a cheat. Ends well yet by Leonard Cohen.

Immortalized. Are we ready? Yeah. I can't look over my shoulder, even though there's not a giveaway, but it just feels like cheating. Okay, the first one's called Nothing. At once a rush of nothing thrashes through a tunnel

to fracture the charade, splinter the sham. All it took was nothing, so vast and endless it would gorge itself on light. Nothing of consequence. That's the first one. Really moved you. I hope you didn't write it. Second, the hypnotist. That's a good one. I heard of a man who says words so beautifully that if he only speaks their name, women give themselves to him. If I am dumb beside your body while silence blossoms like tumors on our lips, it is because I hear a man climb stairs and clear his throat outside our door. I don't think you wrote that. There's no way. That's incredible. That's absolutely incredible.

That's jaw dropping. Yeah, Avi Tull just sort of farted that out on the toilet the other day. Yeah, if you wrote that one, I think you have to quit whatever you have planned for the rest of your life and be a poet. Which is what he would say to Leonard too. So don't think that he's just trying to compliment you.

Dude, hey, Mr. Cohen, I really think you got it. Don't quit your day job, whatever. Poet Laureate of Canada. Okay, or finally the only poem. This is the only poem I can read. I'm the only one can write it. I didn't kill myself when things went wrong. I didn't turn to drugs or teaching.

I tried to sleep, but when I couldn't sleep, I learned to write. I learned to write what might be read on nights like this by one like me. It's also pretty good. Jake, what do you think? Are you leading one way or another? We think the second one is probably Leonard.

The second one, I think we have to eliminate that. And I just feel like I'm barely hanging on, just even hearing it read to me over Zoom. I almost cried. Wow. So I feel like that one just- Do you know Leonard? No, I don't. Interesting. Only through, I feel like Avi Tall has told me

some stuff about him. Or showed me songs of his. That's cool, that makes me feel good. But yeah, let's eliminate that. Okay, can you tell us, was poem two written by Leonard Cohen? That is a Leonard Cohen. Okay, yeah. I'm glad that it moved you so much.

I'm, I guess in a way disappointed because. Well, we haven't figured yours out yet. But I'm just saying, I should have chose something less good, but I'm pleased to, did it move you? It didn't move me, but it definitely felt like a real, real poem in a way that I don't think, all four of us couldn't have written. It was a professional job that took time.

And you also saw me write it in my book. I mean, you didn't see the poem, but in like 10 minutes last night. Okay, do you wanna hear the first and third again? Yeah. Okay. First one was nothing, is that what it's called? Nothing.

Okay. At once a rush of nothing thrashes through a tunnel to fracture the charade, splinter the sham. All it took was nothing, so vast and endless it would gorge itself on light. Nothing of consequence. Or the hypnotist. Nope, we did that one, sorry.

The only poem. This is the only poem I can read. I am the only one can write it. I didn't kill myself when things went wrong. I didn't turn to drugs or teaching. I tried to sleep, but when I couldn't sleep, I learned to write. I learned to write what might be read on nights like this by one like me. I read them a little faster this time. I probably should have just slurred it down.

And that actually helped that actually helped a lot. Because I feel like the two things that would come to you if you're like, I need to write a poem for this podcast are nothing, I can't think of anything. So you kind of just write the poem about anything. Or the other one is about writing a poem. So there are, and I think actually in this segment, I've written a poem that was about writing a poem and you sniffed it out. Because it was on your brain,

it was hard to turn that part off. Do you remember like the milkman delivers the milk and I write the poem, the bakers get up at dawn, I write the poem, etc. Oh, that sounds good. Yeah, it was pretty, it was, I thought it was a great poem. I thought that was really something, it was something special. It was a four. It was a four out of ten for me.

What are you, what are you thinking? I think, I think the first one would be Avital and the last one not, but I'm only like 5149. Yeah, the reason I think the last one is Cohen is because of the line, I'm the only one can write it, right? Is that the line? I'm the only one can write it.

It's very unique. But why it could be Avital is that it it invokes suicide which is a sly attempt at promoting the shows yet again. Oh my god, Avitalash.com. Yeah, for tickets. I think I'm with you though. I'm gonna go nothing is Avital and the last one is Cohen. And why do you think 49.51? What's your reasoning? I think the first one is yours because it didn't include the killing yourself line, which is might have been too on the nose because that's sort of the dark comedy of your one person show. So I thought you wouldn't also put it in your poem. So we'll say number one was written by Avi Tal, number three Leonard Cohen. It's true! We sniffed it out!

Poetry's hard everybody! But you were wrong about one thing. I mean, I don't know if it's worth explaining now, but it wasn't about nothing, like I can't think of anything. It's like the oppressive nothingness of like nothing matters. Oh yeah. Which is what I was trying, granted I wrote it very quickly but the nothing of consequence I thought is fun

because it's like nothing matters, nothing is of consequence but also nothing is actually of consequence. That nothing is the most important thing. It's the nothing. Let's hear it again knowing it's yours. Usually we make fun of it but this one was good so we won't actually. At once a rush of nothing thrashes through a tunnel

to fracture the charade, splinter the sham. All it took was nothing. This one was good, so we won't actually. At once a rush of nothing thrashes through a tunnel to fracture the charade, splinter the sham. All it took was nothing. So vast and endless, it would gorge itself on light. Nothing of consequence. Yeah. I got like a hiccup. It would gorge itself on light is great.

Really eloquent. Nice turn of phrase. It was definitely- I enjoyed the poem. We weren't sure. There wasn't one bad one and two great ones. There was one that we were definitely sure was a Leonard. Yeah, there was one. That's an all time poem.

I love that. That transcends even Cohen. That makes me so happy. It's incredible. Yeah, so I didn't know that he wrote poems. He did, he started off as a poet and then moved into songwriting. Wow, I need to read all of his poems.

That really makes me so happy. In a way, I win because all of the poems were, the Leonard poems were really good and I love Leonard, so by the transitive property, my good taste reflects well upon me, which means I'm a winner. And in another way. And in another way, you lost actually

all of the segments on the show. You don't know your husband. Don't know your husband, for sure. And you don't all of the segments on the show. You don't know your husband. And you don't know how to write poetry. You were off on the SAT score. Jackie doesn't count. I gave you Michael Resnick psychically. You gave me Michael Resnick by saying Andrew something, Andrew something gave me Michael

Resnick. It was an Andy-oop. It was an Andy-oop. It was an Andy-oop. Which is like an alley-oop, but more Andrew based. And isn't his name really Michael Andrew Resnick? So I gave it a middle name. Yeah. Chap?

Yeah, it's his mom's maiden name. That was the ultimate question for the who knows me better than I even know myself. But we didn't get there. I'm devastated. I think it's good. You're never gonna get laid. It's nice that you didn't come on here and just dominate the audience wouldn't like that. They would think oh he handed it to her

He guessed incorrectly. It's nice that we're not handing out participation trophies on this and I made a Cohen fan, so that's pretty exciting. Yeah What was it an Amir Cohen fan? He wrote the second poem. Did we say Leonard? I'm so sorry, yeah, Amir Cohen wrote it. Amazing. I wanted to do this one poem. I'm gonna pull it up.

But I had read it to Amir to potentially use. So once I realized you were guessing too, I was like, I can't use it. Is this the sexy one? Not quite sexy, kind of. It's called the beautiful poem. And it's, I go to bed in Los Angeles thinking about you. Pissing a few moments ago,

I look down at my penis affectionately. Knowing it has been inside you twice today makes me feel beautiful. Would you have guessed, Avi Tahl? I wonder, that's really gorgeous. By Richard Broderick. About your dick specifically. I wonder, that's really gorgeous. By Richard Brodigan. About your dick specifically.

I definitely need to read this guy. That's exactly the way I think sometimes. That's a Richard Brodigan. That's right. Okay, Avital, once again, that show, April 30th in LA, May 4th in New York. Who wants to come see the fucking show of a loser? Nobody. It's not that you lost, it's how you lost.

You have to be agreeable. With grace. With dignity. You yell at him. Eat my cock, you motherfucking piece of shit. I mean, that's just class. It's proper class, mate. Classy.

Who do you have to fuck to win a game around here? Okay. And thank you for coming on the show. Thanks. Jake and I will be back next week. If you write another poem that you think you can give it your all, we can have you back on for another guest episode

of Poetry in the Wood Tree. I do want a chance to redeem myself. As for the who knows me better, these are the 20 most interesting facts about myself. I can't I can't possibly write another 20. I have one more beautiful thing to share. Sorry I know we tried to wrap up. Okay. But we'll end on this. It's just the fucking promo for the fucking show. This is crazy. Exceptionally funny. Strikes a deft balance between the blackest humor and pathos. A thoughtful even wry storyteller. impactful a calling card for ashes glowing talent says the Scotsman

that's it that should have been the third poem you read oh wow I guess that is just a glowing review actually now that I read that letter oh my god if Leonard were alive to come to my show and like it he passed away and for it should have yeah I was destroyed. He died the day before, but it came out when Trump won that same day. So it was like one of the worst days of my life. Jesus.

Slash human history. Yeah. Probably not a coincidence, right? No, probably not. Trump killed Leonard Cohen. You heard it your third. But think of that beautiful last poem by the Scotsman when you book your tickets.

At avitalash.com Thank you jake you did it you did a great job you deserved it Michael resnick folks. That's awesome. We should have resnick on here. He'll play he'll play against jake. Who knows me better questions only from 1989 Uh, and we'll be back next week for more of us you can check out our patreon patreon.com J a and if not, we'll be back next week for more of us. You can check out our Patreon, patreon.com slash J.A. And if not, we'll be back here in a week from today. See everybody. Bye.

Thanks for having me. A lot. Thanks a lot. That was a Hidgum Original.