If I Were You - 233: Baby Names (w/Pat Cassels!)

Episode Date: September 12, 2016

Emmy nominated friend Pat Cassels joins us to discuss hot friends, terrible pets, and pregnant men.This episode is brought to you by Squarespace, FrameBridge, and TrunkClub!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If you're causing the air and your mic's on the ground Trying to seize your cheese Yeah, yeah, you got problems And you got no one else so you ask yourself Where is my cheese? Where is my cheese? Right here, cheese will tell you what to do Yeah Wow That was a cover. Do you know what it was a cover of?

The Pixies That's incorrect What was it? No, it was the Pixies The Pixies Where is my mind? Where is my mind? Where is my cheese? I love that song

Mitchell Kroom has nothing music related to promote But shout out to his brother, Paul Woo Who did everything Who actually wrote Nick Moore to the song I came up with Where Is My Cheese And then my older bro sort of figured it out from there Pat Castles in the house

Hi When was the last time you were on this here program? Um I think I can search It was the one The Hyao was the name of the episode God Hey

What did I say? Hyao I said Yeah, what? Idiot I did a Dean scream Hyao Have you been on the show twice?

Or once No, twice, right? Was it twice? I think maybe, yeah, twice I think I did it once in the back of your guys' house Yeah, back in the day You had that cool backyard and like the extra house And maybe another time in your other house

You did one of our first ones in Amir's apartment Yeah, oh my god, that was episode 30 What was it about? In a towel fort You remember what we talked about? If you mention a story from it I can't I try to listen to every episode before I go to bed

But there's over 200 now so I never get to You only get through one and a half Yeah You should do mini-sodes What does that mean? I don't know, like shorter versions It's like a recap or something Oh, that's good

Sounds cool, Thursday mini-sode Yeah, just like a one-question And you get a Verge Royer to do it Pat His name was Mini Me in the movie That's when they did it, not me I called him Verne I feel like people forget that Beyoncé

Was in the third Austin Powers movie That is pretty crazy See, you're a movie guy Are there ever cameos where the person goes on to be bigger than the movie they're in? I would say that one is She was bigger than that movie when she No, because otherwise she wouldn't have done it

Like she wouldn't do it now I don't think she would be in the fourth Austin Powers if they let her be the lead in it even Like she wouldn't be Austin Powers in the fifth Austin Powers The fourth Austin Powers Oh, there's only been three She was in Gold Member

Yeah, at the time that movie was huge Was it? Yeah So you're saying Beyoncé would be in it now Oh, no, not now No I don't think the parallel is the same Like now Austin Powers is sort of a joke

It's like Beyoncé would be in the biggest comedy this year She doesn't even do Cam- I don't think she's even done like She didn't do a cameo in Popstar She doesn't even do those kind of like She's bigger than that She's almost bigger than movies

But she used to be like an actress-writer Sorry, actress-singer Now she's only doing singing She doesn't do acting anymore Was she an actress, aside from Austin Powers? When she did Austin Powers How do you top that? Was it like Gwyneth Paltrow in Austin Powers?

Yeah, wasn't Gwyneth Paltrow It was Heather Graham Or was it? Gwyneth Paltrow might have been in the beginning of I don't know why I know all this In the beginning of the third one There's that whole like sequence where it's like Austin Powers

The movie within the movie Tom Cruise plays Austin Powers Kevin Spacey plays Dr. Evil Oh So Tom Cruise was in it I haven't seen these movies in a while actually That's a cool like Kevin Bacon game thing Where like what movie was Tom Cruise

Were Tom Cruise and Beyonce in Oh, that's a good one I'm really asking you right now You already forgot We've been talking about it for two and a half minutes Some would say too long Sorry I think it was perfect

Thanks for coming on the show again We just saw you're on episode 30 and then episode 127 And now it's like in the 230 So like every hundred or so we have you back Pat's staying with me Is that fair to say? Is that weird? You've been crashing with me?

I've been crashing on your couch Yeah, this is a laundry day I'm literally using a washing machine as we speak Oh shit, are you? Okay, because did you make sure to plug in the tube in the back Otherwise it would just Oh my god, I have to go God, your laundry machine's cheap

Yeah, if you don't plug it into the sink The wad of the suds just sort of spill out of the back I did but I also just realized I left the door open I left the front door of the washing machine open No one's going to go into the apartment because it's covered in suds Yeah, I'm just looking outside No one's going to steal any of your ruined shit We're half a mile away but I do see this like sort of

Tidal wave of bubbling water sort of trickling down the street I'm so sorry, I can't It sounds like it's a problem beyond just not plugging in the tube Tidal wave might not be your apartment There's no way, right? There's no way One tube could cause that Tidal wave half of a mile away

But now you live in New York The first two times you were a native Angelino Now you're back in New York Yes And now you're visiting LA Correct I'm like just You're by coastal

Are you by coastal? I'm Are you at least by curious about the coast? Are you by winning? I mean I think by coastal means you like have a house on both coasts Right? Or you like you split your time pretty evenly between them I don't do that

He's homeless in New York Yeah You're non-coastal Yeah You spend I would say nine months out of the year in Kansas City Under an overpass No, you're right for the Samantha Bee show Full frontal with Samantha Bee

That's pretty cool It is cool So you're a TV writer now You look fucking big shot, huh? Yeah Yeah, well you're staying on my couch You piece of shit Yeah, Hollywood

You took the cushions away like trying to keep me in my place You got the power move I tried to smoke you out of the hole No, that's exciting though Yeah, it's great I'm on hiatus at the moment But we're coming back How long's your hiatus?

We come back on September 12th, Monday, 1030 When's your schedule like throughout the year? Is it a daily show or a weekly show? It's a weekly show, every Monday You're also nominated for an Emmy? Yes You're an Emmy nominated? For writing, the show is nominated

So you're an Emmy nominee? Yes, as of this recording Right, you are wearing a shirt that says I'm an Emmy nominee That's why I bring it up Ask me about it When this airs though, I'll be an Emmy loser So really like now is you're at the high point Yeah, it's an honor just to be nominated

This is the only time you guys would have me on Beneath you, the other rest of the year It's not an honor to lose, but it's an honor to be nominated Yeah And have not be determined yet We call it a nod in the industry I don't know if you guys... Wow, you got the Emmy nod

Not a nation It's a typo It's a Emmy shake where they just do the... The no Yeah That's a chiller way to do it It's like one of these Yeah, like the bouncer

No one could see what I just did Yeah, yeah How would you say it, you're tilting your head back Like a chin towards the ceiling Like how did my chin upward? Yeah For chin yet Alright, well you're on the podcast again

I don't have to explain to you how things work But in case somebody's listening for the first time Huge Pat Castles fan that forgot the first two episodes Is checking our show for the first time right now This is an advice show, it's called If I Were You The only advice show on the internet hosted by me and Jake Sometimes it's just us two Trying to dispense wisdom

People will email us They're in a difficult place in their lives They're seeking advice Sometimes we have friends Sometimes we have Emmy nominated friends Really? Yeah Not often, but sometimes we have Emmy nominated friends

And today we have our Emmy nominated friend, Pat Castles In the house to help Help offer our advice to these people As always, these are real emails from real people You know that Me? Yeah, you But we need to give them fake names just to preserve their anonymity

So Pat, if you have a fake man's name I'll read this question Dirk Dirk Dirk? Dirk And then what's Dirk's last name? He doesn't need one

Like Beyonce, he's bigger than the last name It's just Dirk Actually her last name is Knowles But it doesn't need to be I don't need to say that Dirk writes Don't do Even though she still has a boyfriend

And I really want to tell her how I feel So should I seize the cheese or move on and find someone else Please help I think that was all one sentence There was no punctuation at all That was a hard one to read Just 19 different question marks scattered throughout This is the loneliness and horniness of a teenager

Who can't even handle himself That is the proper punctuation There's this girl and I liked her and she fuck And she's with someone else But she asked me to hang out and I need help And he sent it from an email address that says Something like Jake and Amir, please help me at gmail.com

So he created this Because he was afraid he'd get caught Maybe by the boyfriend, maybe by the girlfriend It's hard because when you're a teenager That's when you peak want girls But it's also when you peak don't understand A major psyche is one run on sentence One meaty run on sentence

Holy shit, this is everything this is now This is happening What do I do, oh I made a mistake, oh my god Do you remember the whole Stay on the phone with me until I fall asleep thing Did he just send an email or when you were a kid? No, just ever, have you ever had that? I have not had, not specifically until I fall

I've had long phone conversations with girls in the evening But I don't, they don't fall asleep But I'm talking to them Very nice Pretty darn interesting Because I'm very loud and anxious Because when I fall asleep It's very, very nasally

It's night tremors What I've heard of that, it seems cute Yeah, I remember having this cell phone That was so old and after an hour and a half Of conversation, it was hot to the touch I couldn't even keep it to my ear anymore But I always felt so bad being like Alright, now let's just, let's go to sleep

This is cute Even at third degree burns on your ear This is very nice and cute, haha I don't want to leave you either I do want to hang up though You're talking to girls? No, this was college This was last night

Still though, college talking to girls That's still a win That's a W You're really eating up minutes there That seems, with the cell phone, this kid is That was another thing I remember cell phone plans You had to monitor your minutes

But I had free nights and weekends So after 9.01pm, that's when we can chat forever Nice She wasn't worth an afternoon call? The sun comes up So I didn't know kids still talk to each other on the phone That's unrelated Afternoon call

Afternoon delight By speaking to you on the phone That's when you chat for 15 minutes around 3pm I call her at 9am and it's like Because you're worth it, baby High noon She's like, please, I need another hour of sleep Very cool

I talk to her until she wakes up, actually That's my thing, not until she falls asleep Yeah, and then when she wakes up, you go to bed Like, you guys are taking shifts, guarding something So this situation is This girl has a boyfriend But she's still kind of acting like she's into him I think he should tell her

I mean, she asked, do you like me She straight up asked him And he said, he said no But he meant to say, I think he should say, yeah Girls, I think most of the time know when a guy likes them And if they don't like that guy They wouldn't, she wouldn't ask Like, if she didn't want to be liked by him

And she would know She knows that he likes her Right So asking is sort of like a flirtatious thing Like, do you like me? And he's like, as a friend Yeah But if she didn't like him at all

Do you really think that she would say, do you like me? She would just know And totally ignore you Yeah, and then the fact that she's still talking to you On the phone until she falls asleep Is the most flirtatious sign of all Because she wants to hear your voice Right

So what's the play now? Is it like, hey, I've been thinking about your question And I'd like to change my answer Yeah, I mean, by the way, also like Mulligan He stumbled into like a really kind of baller move He was like, I don't like you And that probably made her like him more

She went out, got a new boyfriend Trying to make him jealous And it worked And now she's fucking the other guy Ooh, I'm so jealous And now she's engaged What he did mention is that when he's talking to her Until she falls asleep

She's also being fucked by the other boy By the boyfriend Will you stay on the phone with me while this guy goes down on me? So I think you can say, hey, I lied to you before I do like you as more than a friend That's cute I lied to you And then she's like, I can't believe you would lie to me

This relationship obviously means nothing to me But it's not a lie If you believe it Alright, so you can tell her the truth It's not too late The signs are It might be too late And it might be too late

But you should definitely tell her Might as well Yeah, you have nothing to lose You've already lost You're already doing all the responsible parts of the relationship Which is like talking to them until you fall asleep You might as well get some of the joy of making out and stuff I guess the only reason...

Yeah, because you know also like The only reason not to be like You don't want to make the friendship awkward But like since she already asked you if you like him Like it's not... To me that is... It's not awkward Because she put the question on the table

So like even if you say You know what I thought about it And I do like you And not just as a friend Then she's... Then it's a... You know, it's like... Sorry, too late

I have a boyfriend now And it's like at least we tried Yeah, it's like... You didn't get the timing right What's with the phone calls then? How do you explain the phone calls till 4 in the morning? I just like talking on the phone, dude Very good then

Okay, talk to your boyfriend on the phone Well, he sleeps over all the time I don't want to talk to him on the phone It wouldn't make sense There'd be a feedback loop Because we'd be so close to each other Yet Alright, go for it

We have... Connect 4 That's right Another question from another man Do you have another guy's name for us? Kirk Mmm I love it

I don't understand what the theme is so far But maybe if we get to 3 I'll start figuring it out Hey guys, my wife's pregnant with a baby girl And we wanted ideas for baby names We were both looking for something scientific So something from astronomy I also like Greek mythology

So anything that crosses over might be good Or if you guys have any other ideas or themes We'd be open to us as well Thanks, yours truly, Kirk Whoa, we could name a baby? Yeah Smirk Well, don't blow your idea right now

I got more More For you For you For you for fusing sweating Thank you I gotta google something real quick Have you ever named a baby?

No, but my... I can't believe you had to think about it Did you ever even come close? I've never named a baby that I know of Nice So you haven't No Ever

I think one of my nephews was all Was potentially going to be born on my birthday And they were like Maybe we'll name him after you If he was born on your birthday Wow December 26th But he wasn't

Nice They rushed a C-section To avoid their promise Now it's a Christmas baby A full Christmas baby So Names that you like Whether they have to...

I don't know You probably know more about astronomy or Greek mythology Do you have an example of an Astronomy or a Greek mythology name? I just know a lot about Greek mythology And I resented you That you... That you leapfrogged me to Pat

Alright, so do you have a Greek mythology name? Hercules A girl's name Hercules It's a girl Zusa Is it a girl? Yeah, it's a girl

Oh man The moon The moon With a the A the moon Jupiter's moon Space Star Jones

Persephone Persephone's a pretty one Persephone? Athena Oh, that's pretty good I don't know what they were These were the gods I think Athena was queen of the gods

Who's the one that ate the pomegranate seeds And had to spend half the year underground In Hades And that's why we have seasons I think that's Persephone Persephone There you have it You want to name her after a pomegranate

Eating idiot Who's in hell right half the year I noticed that I like names That are Were popular in like the early 1900s That are like coming around again This isn't really Greek mythology But I researched the top 200 names

In England and Wales In 1900 through 1910 Why did you do that? Because Did you run out of like porn to search for? No, no, this is for this question Oh, okay When I'm done with porn

I get off to names from Wales in the 1900s What does that have to do with astronomy and It doesn't But like he said he can also Give us some other suggestions So how nice would all these names be? Annie Love it

Edith Kind of a throwback Alice That's nice I recognize that name Dorothy Margaret Lily

Violet Ada Beatrice Ivy Rose Gertrude A lot of botanical ones there Ivy Rose

I like all those Lily Those are some good ones Lily Also I think you could Olive Come hither Jupiter has

How many moons? 36? I don't know Jupiter moons I thought it had two Oh, 67 Jesus So name after some Jupiter moons There's some good ones

We all know Europa But we don't know The lesser known Ganymede Lo Kalista I'm Althea Phoebe

Oh, those are good Adrastia Phoebe's fun It's Phoebe Phoebe Phoebe God, I hate You'd have to give your child a name

That she'd constantly have to clarify Elara How do you spell it? E-L-A-R-A Elara's pretty cool So is Lita So Hera is a really strong name

Hera Hera Oh, from Greek mythology Yeah So Kirk If you are listening Let us know

If you use any of these That way, if anybody asks us If we've named a child before We can say yes Just looking some more of these Jupiter moons They get pretty They start sounding like chemicals Like there's one called Praxidaik

There's also one called S-slash-2003-J-16 That's a beautiful name They even ran out of names to give it to the moon But then there's one called Silene And that's pretty cool Yeah, yeah I want to try and think of other

Themes like this guy said I think that's kind of fun Oh, like So, like, he can He can search this thing search this thing and then like have 50 to his disposable. So he said Greek mythology. Jake said Jupiter names. I said names from the early 20th century in Wales. What about like what about famous monkeys? Dunston. Famous monkeys. Grape

ape, Coco, Clyde, Mighty Joe Young. No, these aren't very good. Really? Those are all men's names. Those are all men monkey names. Yeah. Famous female monkeys. What about famous women? Just famous women from history, like Amelia. Oh, that's a good name. Amelia, though Amelia, she was my missing in the middle of the Atlantic. Yeah, Amelia was kind of a coward, right? Because she couldn't even figure out how the plane worked. How does that make her a coward? At least get the insult right if you're gonna be so disrespectful. Was an airheart kind of an airhead? I mean, like, I'm serious, dude. How hard is it to fucking drive a car or whatever the fuck she did? When I went to the movie airheads, I

thought it was a melee airheart. What? When I went to the movie airheads, I thought it was a melee airheart. I actually wasn't so wrong if you watch it with a keen eye. Sorry, real quick. A keen eye and a cool tongue. One of Saturn's moons is actually called Phoebe. So if you did like the name Phoebe when you thought that I said Phoebe, when I said Phoebe, right? Sorry, you can name her Phoebe. Dude. She's the funniest of the friends, I think. Oh, that's true. Next to Chandler. And Joey. There's a moon named Pandora. And Rachel had her moments, too. Pandora's from Greek mythology. Pandora's a great one. I love Pandora. That seems like, yeah, that seems like you're gonna miss. Cause if you eat her out, it's like Pandora's

boss. And that's kind of cute. Sorry to talk about your baby that way. Bro, you gotta tell me when she turns 18. I'm sorry. Even if her name isn't Pandora, I'd love to hook up with SJ200's box. I actually feel it. I realized I'm talking about an actual child that's gonna exist. No, no, no. I'm born yet. Yeah, she's not like that. Okay. No. So we can imagine how hot she's gonna be. Conceptions was when life begins. Oh, here we go. Did he say it was a daughter? Oh, you know what? Nevermind. It was a son. All right, let's re-record. Did he say it was a daughter or just a child? With a baby girl. Oh, okay, good. Yeah. Are you guys, do you think you'll do the, I don't want to know, the gender thing if you have a child? I think there's enough

unknowns when you're having a child. I want to know everything about my kid. That's awesome. If it's got a pussy or a dick, you better tell me. This is you talking to the gynecologist. I want to know, so you know what color to paint the nursery. Oh, that's beautiful. Yellow for boy and forest green for girl. Like go buy a German color standards. Yeah, the original mother of grouse and grim. So they could tell you everything about your baby. Like, hey, it's gonna be healthy and you don't have to know if it's gonna be a boy or a girl. Yeah. That's pretty fun. I would like that. That's a fun game. I don't even want to know if it's gonna be healthy. Like, I want that. I want that surprise. Jesus. You have an unhealthy baby boy. Oh, I can't believe it's unhealthy. We

already painted the nursery. Now it has to stay in this incubator because it has jaundice. Jesus. I think I would probably want to know. It's whether you're surprised when it comes out of the mommy or whether you're surprised when the doctor. For the daddy, let's be a little more politically correct. 2016. The baby might come out of the daddy. Yeah. I've seen the movie Junior. I know his ass or his dick in that movie. It came out of his mouth. Neither. I never saw the movie. I never saw either. He is pregnant, right? And I assume at the movie he goes into labor. I think they do they ever say it's coming out of your ass, Arnold, or it's coming out. It's coming. Where does it come out? I don't know. I would guess they had a C-section or he like does a snot rocket

and the baby just fires out. What a weird movie. When he pulls it out of his nose. That's the strangest movie. Have you seen it? No. That movie takes place at a university, but they shot it at my college. So I remember seeing Junior and being like, oh, that's where. It's shot at your college? Yeah, they shot it at Berkeley. Whoa. That's impressive. Thanks, man. You didn't do anything. They shot black swan at my college. The movie black, the dance scenes. And the exteriors. Yeah. What about the scene where they freaking les out on each other, dude? Can you name the lady in Junior? That was shot in my geometry class during the class. What? Can you name the lady in Junior? Emma Thompson. Wow. That means you know a lot about movies.

Congrats, man. I just can see that video box and I see her like poking your head into the frame or something like that. There's a second box reference you've had in the last three minutes. Perfect. The second time I met her vagina. Are you looking up to see if he has it out of his ass or not? You know, Wikipedia doesn't have spoilers. I will say that an interesting fact about the movie is that it costs $60 million. That's a lot. Yeah. Well, because Schwarzenegger probably cost a lot of money back then. That was Pete Schwarzenegger, Pete Govenator. And I think they actually impregnated him, which might have been like the extra, because he wanted to do like, he wanted to be like completely natural.

This is the rabbit hole, by the way. This is that, this is that podcast we have to fucking do. It was nominated for an Oscar. I'll leave it on that. What? Yeah, best. No, we got to find out the most important thing. What? How did he have the baby? I think it was just a C section. Did he have the baby? I can't believe you think he came out of his butt. I think he came out of his ass. Why don't we take a break? I'll do a little bit of research and then on the other side of this, we'll come back with the answer. So let's take a quick break, think one more sponsor, and then we'll come back with more. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation, talking to a

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off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, squarespace.com slash ifiru free trial. Everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code ifiru to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. Hey, you were back. I think the answer is that it came out of his ass. No. I knew it. No. At one point it says, Angela goes into labor. Hesse, who's short-signator, has an emergency C-section. So I think it was a, they sliced him open and took the baby out. Who's Angela? Oh God, you don't want to get this deep into it. Yeah, okay. But I'm satisfied. I'm satisfied. I will drop it. I think they're cowards. They didn't go full throttle towards him actually having to push the baby out of an orifice. You think with modern science,

like you could almost put a baby inside of a guy. Male seahorses give birth. There you have it. Is it that crazy to say? I want it to say real quickly that Jake and I are going to be doing live shows in Toronto, Minnesota, Chicago, and Detroit coming up in the next few weeks. So you can check all those dates and ticket availability at ifireushow.com. Have you ever been to those cities? Which cities did you say again? Chicago, Detroit, Minneapolis, Toronto. I've been to Chicago and I think that's it. I don't think I've been to Detroit. Maybe some air, maybe like a layover in an airport. That's awesome. There's a great Cinnabon in the Detroit airport that I highly recommend. There's that restaurant in the Chicago airport that we always eat at. Oh, the Torto Place.

Yeah, there's like one restaurant that's like in the O'Hare airport that's like actually legit, really good. Oh, wow. That if you ever find yourself in the O'Hare airport with a layover, I think it's called Tortas or something. Is it called Tortas? I realize that's what they sell. You ever go to a seafood restaurant in LAX? I realize I've gotten there every time I go to LAX. Seafood? There's a seafood restaurant called Gladstone. Gladstone, yeah. That's my jam. Rick Bayless's Tortas Frontera is what it's called at the... Free plug, dude. Yeah, dude. Oh, no, they're paying us. We're not really going to Chicago. We also hate that place. I don't think I've been to Toronto. You should check it out. Yeah. So, TV writing, Samantha Bee, Full Frontal,

how does it compare to the old College Humor job? Is the pressure higher because it's for television or does it feel sort of the same? I'd say there's a little more of a... I'd say the pressure is a little bit higher because, yeah, because there is a very firm deadline. Like... Broadcast? Yeah, the show airs on Monday, so it has to be written by Monday, whereas like at College Humor, we had a... There were deadlines, but it was a little more flexible because usually a sketch would... When we were going to release it was kind of to be determined, unless it was like a Christmas themed video that we had to get it out for Christmas or it was like a topical video, like a sketch about I don't know, Charlie Bit My Finger or something like that. You're talking about Samantha Bee now.

Yes, I've been pitching a Charlie Bit My Finger sketch piece every week. Still topical because those kids are about to turn 15 and 13. Gosh. Actually, Dan Gerwitch and I, we have this joke because I think he wrote a sketch about... They remember Corey Delaney, the kid with the sunglasses? Yeah, the sunglasses. I'll apologize, but I'm not going to take off my sunglasses. Dan wrote a sketch about that, maybe with someone else. That was like a parody of that. Then we didn't make it because it was already not news anymore and this is like seven years ago, but like once a year, once every couple of years, Dan and I will email Sam and be like, hey man, we really think you should give us another look. We think it's time. It's like the current cultural climate really

is primed for it. It's more topical now than ever. When you're writing for Samantha Bee, do you ever write sketches like you did for College Humor? Is it more like her monologue? Usually more segments, like Act 1, Act 2 stuff, which is just a news story and kind of jokes off of that. We do do... You still got it. You do do where on her desk? Okay, you know, honestly, it's like a sophisticated news show and you know... Sorry about that. That's okay, but we do do... Do you poo poo? Actually, I wanted to submit a packet for that show. Your thoughts on the AFL-CIO? Is there a labor crisis in this country? Cold Opens, which are like sketches, occasionally.

And do you ever write for the internet, kind of like how you used your viral mind when you're writing for College Humor sketches? Does that come in handy when you're writing for the TV show? My interned... Sometimes. Yeah, I think so. I mean, everything, you know, everything, you kind of use everything in your brain probably in one way or another, but probably like the... We do have a Twitter account and an Instagram account and a medium account and we've kind of written all sorts of like... Done all sorts of silly random things on that. Oh, interesting. Are you following the news more or did you always follow the news? I think I always follow the news, but I'm following a lot more now for sure.

You feel like you're way more up to date? Yeah, I mean, with this hiatus, we are... It's kind of bizarre to like... Because to go from like checking it like hourly to sometimes going a day and not checking it, it just is like... What an exciting time to like start writing for the news because like between Trump and Crooked Hillary, like you... I feel like she's giving you... One person trying to make America great and the other one trying to drag it into some sort of recession. I think she's like stealing emails and shit. We're gonna have eight more years of Obama if we don't vote correctly is all. You're not literally... He's gonna stay in office for eight years. You know he founded ISIS? I read Trump's Twitter account, so... Or did that what he claimed?

Yeah. Founder and MVP. So not just the guy like not like just a figurehead that's sort of checked out. Well, at least something he did worked. Thank you. At least he had one thing through Congress. I can't believe Congress passed it. Have you heard about those clowns in Congress? But overall, Super Pro, great environment. Enjoying the job over there. Oh yeah, it's great. I love... Yeah, they're some of the smartest, nicest people I've ever met. How big is the writing staff? There are six staff writers, a writer's assistant, and then our EP Joe is a writer and Sam herself is a writer. Sam Anthony's a writer on the show. Yes. Where's your office? Exactly. You want to map? Yeah. It's in Manhattan. It's like uptown-ish. Very cool. Yes. It's in Kansas City. I would get

a job just fucking cleaning that office if it meant that I can get out of... We actually do need a janitor. This podcast shit. What man? Just everybody has a fucking podcast. If I can tell my mom that I work for TV, I'd really like... Well, you wouldn't work for TV. You'd be a janitor. You'd probably have to work for the building. Whatever. But like, benefits too? Do you get full benefits? Like, do I get health insurance or something like that? Not necessarily. The custodian though. Oh, do you get them? If you got a job? There's one question that you're asking Pat, and then there's other questions about the job that you... No, yeah. Quick life to want, which was cleaning the building.

Not even your floor. It'd be an honor just to be in the same building as where they shoot. Where do you shoot? Is it 30 rock? Same right across the street, the studio across the street. Oh, got it. Cool. Awesome. Yeah, it's pretty sweet. And why do you think you deserve to win the Emmy over, let's say, the writing staff of The Daily Show or Colbert Report? Well, those two shows I don't think are nominated. Wow, them's fighting words. No, I don't. Colbert Report is not even nominated. Oh, scathing. It's not. It's not instigating.

Starting a fight. All right, I mean, I'll fucking be a part of it, but I'm not touching this shit with a ten foot pole. I'll be a part of it, but I'm not touching it. At that castle's quotation marks. I want all the buzz, but none of the... None of the feed. All right, do you want to answer some more questions here? Yeah. As long as they're junior related. A lot of them will or will not be junior related. I'm trying to find one from a lady. Oh, here we go. Okay, I got a lady. Do you have a lady's name? Oh, no.

Merck. Angela Merkel. Angela Merkel. Hey, guys, I just moved into college and I'm having a blast and a half. I live with three other girls when we get along so well. We're all majoring in hospitality, so everyone is so nice around here. However, this niceness has led to some interesting social situations. Thoughts? Oh, let me keep reading. Two of my roomies are drop dead gorgeous. I'm not asking for a confidence boost. I know myself pretty well and I'm okay with who I am, but I'm just average looking and I rarely get the male attention in public. I make friends easily and I love to talk to people,

so meeting people isn't the issue. I often go out with my roommates and I find that they are constantly being showered with male attention and I'm talking every time we go out and they are asked for their numbers multiple times. I'm a little jealous, but only a little. I'm comfortable with my social standing, but I'm unaware of how to act. Are you reading about a couple of girls and you hit PewDiePie, dude? No. Your guts finally dropped, Blumenfeld. Uh, no, I have. The do-do thing I said is not a thing.

I have throat cancer. Jesus. I'm sorry. It shouldn't affect how deep your voice is. Pussy. I'm really sorry to hear that. You little 12-year-old girl, I didn't know little girls got throat cancer like that. You little fucking pussy. Your parents know? That you're a fucking pussy.

Did it hurt when you fell from pussy? I'm a little comfortable with my social standing, but I'm unsure of how to act when they are always meeting guys when we go out. I feel as though I have very little to contribute to our conversations now, and it's embarrassing when we are approached by two guys and they are clearly the targets. How can I best handle these situations when we go out? What can I say or do to make it seem like I'm more on their level? I don't want to find a mate, obviously, but it's getting annoying,

and I absolutely love these girls. Thanks. Love. Merck. Why is it obvious that she's not trying to find a mate? I don't know. Maybe she's trying to play it cool. Like, I don't need to hook up with any guys, but it's a little uncomfortable. Well, there's like the standard, hey, everybody's attractive. There's no every subjective.

You could be hot to somebody, but not to somebody else. That being said, these girls sound like absolute dimes, and this chick is a six. Not Spokeshows. This chick is a fucking five or a six. I'm sorry, sweetheart, but it's not going to happen. That's not your question. This is the last thing she asked. Do you ever feel this way?

Do you ever hang out with hot guys or is it different with guys and girls? Oh, no. For you two, you guys hang out together, so you need to answer this question carefully. I've been in situations where the guys I'm with are like hotter. Like those hot guys in Austin or New Orleans, was it? Were like the crew team from Dartmouth or Yale or something? Yeah, yeah. Six foot five.

Yeah, yeah. That was one night. We didn't hang out with them for long. Yeah, like I think I've been in situations like that, but not necessarily to the point where I needed to like get used to it or like find some kind of protocol. Okay, when the girls come over, I'll just be on my phone or something. I feel like it's better to be with people more attractive than you in a way because I just like being around, like it's hard to break the ice.

So like being around these types of magnets that attracts people of any gender, it's more beneficial to me because I can stand back, join the conversation, not join the conversation. I can be the interesting guy that's not necessarily like super, super hot, but maybe I'm somebody's cup of tea. Maybe like this lady, she's not, she calls herself, I don't know, pretty, but not, I don't know what she calls her friends. Gorgeous.

Gorgeous. Maybe there's a way to take advantage of her gorgeous friends because when guys come over, she can break the ice that way. Yeah, it sounds like the real issue is just like groups of two guys approaching them and just talking to the two girls, which I feel like when that happens, that just kind of sucks. So what do you do? You just have to be polite, be happy, not make it noticeably get to you. Yeah.

And then for the most part, you could maybe be a little more proactive with your friends. If there's a group of guys where some are cute and there's more than two, then you could be like, hey, let's go try to talk to those guys or something. Especially if you already like these girls, I mean, she likes these girls, she likes hanging out with them. Yeah, they're all hospitality majors. Yeah, so they should know about how to be hospitable. Yeah, I think, but you guys are saying sounds right on.

I think I feel like when I travel, I have, it's kind of like it's been a while since I've gone out with a group of bros like looking for girls. So I feel like I'm kind of rusty at this, but when I have, I was probably that person, this person. Which person? The girl writing the email. So like people would approach and you'd be sort of hanging back. Yeah, I think you just kind of assume that you have something to offer that the other attractive people don't.

And sometimes you're right and sometimes you're wrong. Everybody's great at some things. Like everybody has this thing that puts them in like the 99th percentile of something. Just not own who you are. Like kind of develop your own style, you know, like be the best you you can be. And then yeah, that way when you do something. What if she's goth? What?

Just go really, really goth. Go goth. Dark with them. Or vamp. What? That's a new thing. Vamp goth. So like fangs, whether it be fake or you file.

Fangs and a cape. Oh, that's really tight. It's called peacocking. Backwards Kangl hat. The Samuel L Jackson from 2003 look. Yeah, I do. I don't know. It is a little bit of a sticky situation, but not the worst situation.

Yeah, it sounds like it's just something that is going to suck sometimes and be like annoying. But I bet you're like who knows if her friends are like super into getting hit on all the time and by groups of two. Right. Like maybe just talk to them. Be like, hey, how do you feel when that happens? And if they're like, we like it, then you have to adjust to that. Or if they're like, no, we'd rather just hang out with you and not get hit on.

Then maybe you can help shield them from douchebags. The douche shield. But that's not like necessarily a job that this girl applied for. She would have to have as the non-hotest group or girl in the group. She would have to apply and she'd have to get in. And it's a, it's pretty competitive job actually. I apply for it all the time just to get to hang around. It's hard to be a douche shield when you're a guy.

When you're the douche. I'm the douche shielding myself for myself. So I don't know what to say. Go goth. Go goth or go home or, you know, take the good with the bad. Sometimes it's going to suck. Sometimes it's going to be good. These, the important thing is that you guys are friends and it doesn't,

it doesn't, all this other stuff. Like when you guys go out with me, like all the girls are hitting on me and you guys are so cool about that, which I like, which is, you know, nice. That's true. I think you just got to angle towards bigger groups. Oh, so it's not two and one. Yeah. So like if it's the three of you guys and you should be talking to groups of like four dudes,

so one of the dudes feels uncomfortable and left out. Right. And everybody has their, their advantages and disadvantages within the group. Yeah. If you guys make a rule, it's like, hey, if only two guys come up then like fuck them. You know? Can you make, can you do that? Can you like, do you make rules with, I feel like that,

doesn't that putting rules on it seems so sterile. I don't know what girls have to do because they get, hit on all the time. Like as a dude, I don't have any rule. Right. There's no rule there. Because dudes rule. Cats drool.

Okay. Can we answer one more question right quick before Pat is to go? Yeah. We need one last guy's name. Sorry. Girl's name. Gurk. That was really good, dude.

Thanks, man. Gurk writes, every year for my birthday, I rent a cabin for me and some of my friends and my family to stay in for a long weekend. This year, my best friend added a chihuahua to her family of five cats and was afraid to leave it alone for the weekend. I assumed a dog is a dog and offered to let her bring it along to ease her anxiety. She was pumped about it and even bought a life jacket for it so we could bring him tubing with us.

Terrible idea. All the dog wanted to do is sleep on the couch, so she refused to leave the cabin the entire time, so she didn't want to leave the dog alone. We all drank by the fire while she sat indoors, pouting that no one wanted to stay indoors with her. She had to bring it when we went shopping into town, so we were limited as to what bars we can go to and what places we could eat at.

There was a small petting zoo type place we all wanted to go to and she sat outside and waited for two hours because she didn't want to stay in the cabin by herself. She made everyone miserable, including herself. Now we are home and she is buying all these things like clothing and a stroller for it. She recently told me that she can't come to my house hardly at all anymore because she wouldn't be able to bring the dog, so when we hang out it has to be in her place. Should I talk to her about being so obsessed with the dog?

Am I overreacting? She's super sensitive and obviously a bit crazy. What would you do if you were me? Help. This question is exactly like the last question. How so? Because I wasn't paying attention to either. Why is it going to say that regardless? Do you actually see similarities or are you saying they're completely different?

No, I was joking. Only in the broadest possible sense. So they're both quandaries. Yeah, they're both dilemmas, moral or otherwise. They're both things. It is funny and sad to talk. One is about a dog, the other was written by a dog. Thank you.

Whoa, dude. Sorry, sorry, sorry. You just got stronger as you said that. You're buff for that. I'm a douche now. It is funny to have a sit-down conversation telling someone their dog is ruining their lives as they're holding a mini life vest for a chihuahua and a tiny little stroller. The dog's right there staring at you the whole time.

What does she mean like the child only wanted to lie on the couch? Like it just didn't want to go anywhere or do anything? I guess. Were they asking it? The dog was being a real diva because you know how chihuahuas can get. I, gosh, I almost want to like it's a two, it's not really a two-part question, but the cabin thing and the, it's like the dog ruined the vacation and now it's, I guess, ruining her rest of her life at large.

Yeah. I think you have to sit down and be like, hey, listen, I don't want to be friends with you if you're crazy obsessed with a chihuahua. Do they live together? The dog and the lady do, but not the lady and the friend. I don't know. How, how, how, I guess it's what she just said. It's one thing to be like, you're, we're not going to invite the dog on the next

vacation because it was really shitty. Like that's the one thing is like the dog coming and ruining a group experience. The other is just like, this guy doesn't like the dog. So do you really break up with a friend because you don't like your friend's dog? It's a girl that doesn't like the dog, but yeah. But maybe, maybe you don't break up with a friend explicitly. You just be like, all right, fine, then I just won't come over.

I'll invite you to stuff and then it's on you if you should want to come. Yeah. And then it's like, if you choose the dog over me, then you've chosen a dog over a human. I say, yeah, you don't have to have like a sit down conversation and be like, you're obsessed with the dog that's ruining our friendship. But I think if you continue just being yourself, invite your friend to fun activities and like just watch her cancel, cancel, cancel, not be able to go because of the dog, you can finally

start chipping away and be like, geez, this like, you can make smaller sides. So the dog who's currently in a life vest and a stroller, which doesn't really make sense, you can't go in safe. You can't come inside of this trampoline sky zone because the dog won't feel comfortable there. Are you sure you want to have a dog? It's just like it's really limiting. But I guess maybe frame it like that. This dog, make sure it's actually ruining your friend's experience and make sure that

she's actually upset because otherwise it's just you being upset. Yeah, I like the idea of the dog being like this, this sassy new friend that's doing it on purpose. Yeah. Oh, I can't possibly go kayaking today. I'm feeling under the weather. Are you really going to leave me and hang out with the other friends? What extent is that? He's sort of Italian.

Are you really going to hang out with your other friends? Yo quiero spend time with you. So it's an Italian Taco Bell dog. That's right. It's an Italian Taco Bell dog. The Taco Bell dog jumped Taco Bell went to the Olive Garden. The Verizon guy style. Yeah.

Which brings us back to the sprints, folks. I mean, this guy's a modern day Benedict Arnold. I think also it's you should, yeah, I think not giving her like an ultimate and right away is like being a little a bit sensitive because people really love their dogs. I happen to not have a dog, but you know, like if the dog is bringing her giving purpose to her life or giving her joy, you don't want to like force her to stop doing that either. Right.

But so I think, yeah, just like it's on her sort of. Be extra aware if your friend is actually miserable. If you're not dating the person or married to the person or living with the person. Yeah, I don't think you can like kind of be too upset about it. But if it was very clear that a dog was making my friend miserable, I think I might say something not like you should get rid of the dog. I think I would say like, you know, if you ever wanted to give the dog up, none of us would judge you. If you were to lose the dog, you would all be.

Maybe don't bring the life vest next time. We'll try that kayaking thing. I think we talked about this on the podcast before, but our movie idea of a pet assassin. Oh yeah. All dogs go to Kevin. So it's a guy named Kevin who kills dogs and makes it look like an accident whenever it's convenient for the friends of that person. This is the job for Kevin.

Yeah. Or like a boyfriend or girlfriend who hates their partner's pet. Right, exactly. A pet murderer. It's like Ace Ventura, but the dark version of that. Ace Ventura is nemesis. The cable guy meets Ace Ventura. That was our first movie that we legit pitched our agents, by the way, too.

And they loved it. Was it called All Dogs Go to Kevin? Yes. It's starring Kevin Hart. And Kevin Arnold. That's right, the fictional character for Wonder Years. And Kevin Hart, the biggest comedian in America. Team up to kill animals together.

Thoughts? Kevin James is also in it. He's attached, but it's just executive produce. I'm going to soft pass. Can I soft pass? You can. Most places have. All right, cool.

Thanks to you guys for writing. And thanks to Pat for coming on the show again. Thanks for having me. If you have your own questions or your own theme song submissions, the email for everything is, if I were you, show at gmail.com. Opening theme song, again, was written by Mitchell, the Pixies cover. We all loved it. This closing one was written by Claire, whose Instagram is C-L-U-R-R-F-L-E-U-R.

You think she'll get any Instagram followers? I sure don't. Let's prove it. But I'm going to follow her. Right. So thanks, Claire. Thanks, Mitchell. Thanks, Pat.

Thanks to you guys for listening. Pat, do you have anything that you want to promote before we go? Sorry, we are out of time, but we will talk to you next week. I'm carrying out an auction. Huh? Full frontal. Monday is at 10.30 on TBS. Oh, wait.

New episode September 12th. On TBS. We'll try. Oh, maybe this will come out September 12th. So you can watch it tonight. Oh, yeah. Please. How's that for center?

Stop listening to this podcast right now. Well, it might be the morning because it's over. Still. All right, cool. We'll be back next week. Later, guys. If I were you, I keep in mind this might be true. I think I'd be a little less of a dick.

Yeah, that's the trick. So email us. We'll fill your questions as we please. And don't forget every day to seize the cheese.