If I Were You - 251: Santa Clause

Episode Date: December 26, 2016

In this episode we discuss the holidays, New Years Eve, and student loans. Thanks for listening this year!This episode is brought to you by the HeadGum Store and Seeso!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Monday, December 26th, the last episode of 2016. And ever. Holy shit. Thanks, everybody. We've had a good time doing the podcast. Well, we'll- Onto the next shit, though. We'll actually be still doing the podcast in 2017.

That's amazing. I was afraid I wasn't gonna have a job. I was putting on a happy face, but I was pretty- No, that was not a happy face. I was glum. You were going out in a blaze of glory. Sure. I see you writing a pretty scathing, company-wide email.

Oh, yeah. Send to all four of us. This episode, once again, is brought to you by our very own headgum store. That's great. The store is still there. We're adding stuff to it all the time. Namely, and notably- A yes-dude shirt.

A yes-dude shirt. Yes, dude. Shirt dude. Shirt dude. There's also a sweatshirt dude. Sweatshirt dude. Warmth dude. A headgum swag in all shapes and sizes.

We got swell water bottles. We got shirts, sweatshirts, phone cases. Everything you're- Fart desires. Fart desires. Is that what you're going to say? No, that was a good one. Let's take it from the top.

Hey, Monday, December 26th. Amazing. Anything you're fart desires is available at store.headgum.com. That's store.headgum.com. This episode is coming out right in the middle of that Christmas New Year's week. What a nice week. Whatever, relax. I wonder where I'll be when this episode comes out.

Well, it'll be right after Christmas, maybe somewhere near home. Is it the day after the 26th or the 27th? The 26th, yeah. Ooh, I'll be a little hungover. Very nice. I get a little plastered on Christmas. So if you're hungover- Every night of my satellite.

All right, that's very nice. If you're hungover or hanging out with your family, thank you for making time for listening to this episode and listening to us all year long. What a wild ride it's been. Indeed, indeed. But we made it. So let's get right into this episode. Things, of course, you know, it's the last episode of the year.

So things got real. Let's get started. Adios. And honestly, I don't really think these girls like being lied to, but they can give a shit when Jake's coming inside you. Interrupting cow. How? Rap now.

You may be thinking, what the fuck do I do? Evening the podcast and listening to these nerdy Jews, A.C. Jocelyn. Because they know how to speak the truth. But at least that's what I do. If I were you, if I were you. Yeah. If I were you. Yeah.

Uh-huh. Seasoned cheese. Uh-huh. If I were you, show.com. Do you hear me? I love my mom. Jackson Booth. J Booth.

That's a cool name. For a cool song. The Booth is the truth. Very good. I feel like- I can rap too. How's that? The Booth is the truth.

I hear I'll give you the high my name is beat, and then you can rap to it. No need. All right, ready? I already proved myself. Banana. Actually you suck at beat boxing, so I'm not gonna be able to. Oh. All right.

Okay. That was once again Jackson Booth. Thank you for that opening theme song parody of course of my name is- Shiki Shiki. That song came out when I was like in ninth grade. I was like 18 years ago. Holy shit. Like that shit wouldn't fly today.

Now it's like Syria this and Russia hacking that. Like we have bigger issues than if it's cool if I hump a dead moose. Oh yeah, I guess, but I don't understand what your point is. I'm just saying like Marshall- The times have changed? No, not even that. Like I think the times have stayed the same to the point where my name is what? Excuse me.

You're not gonna discourse man. I really think my name is who? I don't get you dude. My name is Slim Shady. All right. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet that releases a brand new episode in the dead week between Christmas and New Year's Eve. We got one week now where nobody's doing shit.

You're not even gonna mention Hanukkah? Oh yeah. We're in the middle, dead middle of Hanukkah. That week is the Hanukkah week. It's everything is happening at once. Everyone's with their family. I guess if you're traveling a lot, so maybe it is a busy podcast week too. Possibly.

So anyway, we wanted to release a new episode for you guys. I thought maybe it would be fun to read specifically holiday questions. Oh, I love that. So it's like the Game Boy, but we're reading- Only for holiday words. Yeah. Oh, maybe I could search Hanukkah too. All right.

You want to start with a Christmas question? Sure. Should we search something like as simple as Christmas or should we do like stocking? Oh, I was gonna do Christmas just to get it started. Okay. These are questions we've never read before, but contain the word Christmas. All right. First one.

Ready? Yup. I'm a 24-year-old woman in uni. Wait, what should we call this lady? Rudolph. Nice. Thank you. Rudolph, right.

I'm a 24-year-old woman in uni and I just got out of a long-term relationship a few months ago and have been on a few dates and in general I tried to get out there and meet people. I'm not really interested in a new relationship. So it's mostly been fun and a few casual hookups. I met a cool guy on Tinder before I went home for Christmas this week who takes the same courses as I do at uni just a few years lower. We talked about how stressful school is and that we should both want to blow off and that we both just want to blow off steam, aka hook up.

And we met for a coffee two times just to see if we were compatible before I went home. And we totally are. But now I'm home and I don't know what to do to keep him interested. My question is, should I keep texting him over break to keep the possibility of a hookup in three weeks open or not talk to him till I get back? I don't want to be annoying so do you guys have any suggestions? That's an interesting one. Yeah, usually people want to like stay in touch with somebody that they really like.

It seems like this one's so casual. Yeah, so the question is... I don't want anything out of this except a hookup. So should I text him every day? I think if anything, if you only want to hook up, text him less. Because like the everyday thing might lead him to believe that this is going to be a serious thing. Yeah, and it could also have that like same effect on you. If you stay in touch too much, you'll get to know each other too well

and that'll be hard to just casually hook up. Yeah, I feel like that's happened to me before or making the decision like do I... If someone that I've hung out with a few times goes away, do I like chime in and like hang on and like reemerge myself every two to three days in her vacation or do I just let her just completely leave and then come back and then reignite it? Right, I mean it seems like that's what you do because while you're on vacation she might like forget about you but it's not like she's going to come back and like be so distracted still by the vacation. I'm sorry I can't hang out, I'm still thinking about vacation.

But what I've experienced is if you don't do anything, you got to keep the flame going just a little bit. So like if it completely extinguishes like three weeks of not talking, I think that might extinguish the flame and then they come back and they're like I don't care or remember about you. I guess you got to leave the pilot light on. Yeah, leave the pilot light on. So maybe like a bi-weekly check-in and then hope they do the same. Right. That way you're at least like keeping some semblance of whatever the embers going for a few times a week.

Stoke the embers. Yeah. Don't throw another log on. Exactly. Until he's throwing his log in. Oh yeah folks. Oh yeah. And the coffee date is a weird thing to do if you only want to hook up.

Two coffee dates. That's like two coffee dates. Two coffee dates like hello. So we may want to have a casual encounter. I've had a coffee date once. Some people swear by them. I fucking hate them. Have you ever had one?

Yes. Like yeah by accident. I mean I've gotten coffee and there was a girl there that I was hitting on. I hate coffee dates man. I'm not on when I'm having my coffee in the morning. Yeah. Like a 2 p.m. afternoon tea date. Give me two whiskies and then we're good.

I'm not charming and daytime caffeinated. That's the last time I want somebody to see me. That's when I'm buying airline tickets. I'm focused on my inbox. My coffee orders are also like I need a lot of sugar in my coffee. You don't have a cool coffee order. Yeah but I've got like the cool drink order. Yeah like old fashioned with a specific whiskey.

That's like you ordering a black coffee and then if they want room for cream you sort of laugh. No I actually like the taste of coffee. Yeah and like the only order like can you make it extra hot. Yeah and actually can you make it extra black. No. Only grounds. Can I just get a clump of grounds and I'll chew on it like tobacco. Yes so anti-coffee date personally but I guess if you like it it's fine.

It's just weird to have two to vet a casual hookup. You've already not been casual about it. Yeah. To vet somebody over two coffee dates is the opposite of casual. It's really hard to nail a coffee date. Like come away be like that was an awesome coffee date. Now I'm ready for dinner with you. The other type of date you dislike.

I guess when you're doing a lot of dating I feel like that's when people start doing coffee dates because you don't like you don't want to I mean I do but generally people it's considered unhealthy to like get drinks five six nights of the week. So if you're like growing out on that many dates and every single night is like alcohol. Right. It's a little you know could throw you off kilter so that's why it's nice to do coffee. Yeah I think it's nice for the lady because they can cut it off sooner. Like if you're getting drinks with a guy it's it's gonna last longer.

Oh you don't want a second round? Yeah. No one tea was enough. Yeah. I've had a pre pre date call once from a girl who said that she likes to call guys because she's gone on so many bad dates. It's like I would have saved time just like having a three minute conversation with you and being like never mind.

Jesus Christ. Yeah. Did you know leading into the call that that's what it was? No. Like hey I want to call you first just to just to let you know that I I might cut it. I might not do the date at all. I remember getting the message about it like actually can we chat on the phone first and I wanted to say no and I think you told me just to do it.

Oh. Good me. I think and she explained that it was like a trust thing that like she's like I said instantly aware if somebody's a weirdo. What would you. Like there's no need to like go on a date with somebody. Totally. So what would you have said to say no.

I would have been like this is like I don't I don't subscribe to all these rules like just keep it fun and whatever like I don't need to hop on a phone call with you. I would have said that. Right. Oh how would I. Yeah. How would you have said that. Oh I probably just wouldn't have responded.

Oh and you would have never gone out with her. Yeah. Exactly. Cool. Yeah. And I ended up marrying that woman. Amazing. Congratulations.

I was not invited to the wedding and that sort of myths me but I'm super happy for you. You had a plus negative one. Yeah. All right. Let's search another holiday word. Dratal. Dratal. Dratal.

Dratal. I made you out of clay. There's not a Dratal word. There's not a Dratal in our inbox. What. Yeah. No one has ever said Dratal. I guess no one has any Dratal related questions.

My cousin just got a kitten and named it Dratal. Oh that's a good name. That's a really good name. Yeah that is a good name. I'll search Hanukkah even though it has so many different types of spells. Hanukkah. Hanukkah is actually. Oh there's some questions about Hanukkah.

All right. There the Jews are. Yeah. Here we are. Oh yeah. This girl's got a real nice Jewish name which we can't use unfortunately. Of course. So here's another I'll give let's think of another Israeli name.

Sapir. Yeah Sapir. That's a good one. Low key wish. I'm sorry. This one starts with Sapir saying low key wish I were married to either slash both of you. I live in northern New Jersey shore area and since day one have loved all your videos and shit.

Let's go both. I'll just stop pretending that I don't know how this operates and start inserting game boy. Wait a minute. This is is this a question. This is not this might not be a question. Just a letter. Just a nice letter for us.

I don't know. Yeah. Okay. Then I get starting. I just got dumped by a guy who invited me to freaking Shabbat dinner with his whole family. I was raised Catholic and called the challah quote good bread. So her name couldn't have been that Jewish.

I think she gave herself a Jewish name because of the theme of the question. And I thought it went great but I was given the axe a matter of days later. I was perfectly charming and I felt his brothers and parents like me but WTF out of nowhere this happened. He was asking me to stay over his place each and every night and then blammo. I was chucked to the trash like a used tampon. Please shed some Hanukkah candlelight unto my situation. So in her brain the way the story went was she got invited to the Sabbath dinner and days

later was broken up with right. I was like so she thinks she nailed it but then she got broken. I wonder if this is like the Sabbath is his version of the predate phone call. Sabbath is sort of a screener. Yeah if you work well in a very tense environment with my entire family doing religious rituals that you're not used to then I think we're ready to get tea. And I guess it didn't work out. I'll have to know what the guy's version of the story was.

Calling the challah good bread doesn't seem like grounds for dismissal but I wonder if it was like a hey we're all Jewish and she's not and now I feel the pressure of that and I'm going to break up with her. Now I see that she'll never fit in with my Jewish family. Or is it completely unrelated. We're going to have to guess we don't know. Yeah my guess is that it's completely unrelated. That'd be nice.

That'd be good to think because the other way gives her something although the other way makes it's like hey regardless of how well you nailed it just because you're Catholic means he didn't want to date you so it has nothing to do with you. He's just a religious. Yeah whatever I hate that. I feel like he broke up with her because he didn't want to be with her anymore. I don't think that it would have had to do with the dinner itself. You brought ladies to family functions quote earlier in the game and then just broken up with them.

Yeah. Slightly thereafter. I guess you maybe have to think about what it means to you this guy to introduce you to his family. Like if it's something that was casual like he's doing it he wants you around he wants you to sleep over it's like oh yeah come whatever. Yeah. And like I know that definitely with me it was somewhat casual because I'm close with

my family I spend a lot of time with them anyway. Right. Like it was casual for me to introduce people to them. Yeah. Like it is a meaningful thing for other people. Introducing a family in general is like some people are like yeah whatever I'll show my parents who I'm dating after like three dates and with me I'm like no if it's like if it's not a real relationship I'm not like showing somebody that I've dated even for like four

months. Yeah. Yeah. That's crazy. But like I the way I treat my parents is like the last step because I don't want them to be like now they know who I'm dating now they're asking me about this person it's like oh it's not as big of a deal as you think so I treat it like an important last step. But you treat it as like one of the casual beginnings.

Yeah. I mean I guess to me it's like maybe I don't know if I have like an actual philosophy on it but it seems like perhaps I like to just make sure my family likes them right away. Oh interesting. But also I don't even know if that's true I think that my family just don't care. Well my family is also never ever that's not true. Have they ever vetoed. There were definitely people that they were slower to warm to.

That's as mean as your mom gets is slowness to warm to eventually love some of it. Yeah. So I mean I definitely have full faith in my family to embrace people that I care about right. So then it's definitely not like a hurdle or a scary thing for me. Right. All right. So not a D not enough information but hopefully it's not that big of a deal either way.

He doesn't like you for whatever reason. Yeah that's I mean that's the that's the real takeaway. He did break up with you so you can like relive every single like thing that led up to that and like what are the reasons but it doesn't even matter. Fuck this dude. Yeah. Fuck them. I forgot we we didn't even bring out the Game Boy to search these questions.

Yeah I guess because the game it's like a holiday version of the Game Boy. Ho ho ho. Oh that's really good. That's all I got. It's just a robot with a Santa hat. It's all I can muster. All right. Different holiday word.

Do we dare search a Kwanzaa related question. Yeah. Let's be let's let's be open open minded. Nope. Nothing in our inbox about Kwanzaa. They are enough. How about New Year's Eve. Oh that's a fun one.

What are your thoughts on New Year's Eve are you like the kind of guy that's like there's too much pressure. Fuck it. Are you like yeah it's actually it is forever night. I love New Year's Eve. You're into it. It's the best. Yeah.

One of your favorite holidays. It's definitely up there. Better than Halloween. Looking forward to it more than Halloween. Oh yeah. I think so. Because there's no the costume pressure. Yeah.

Because New Year's Eve everyone is just like look awesome. You know. Yeah. That's I like that. Be a handsome. Yeah. Get dolled up and kiss someone you love at midnight. That's perfect.

That's what I want to do on Fridays anyway. All right. We got a New Year's Eve. On Fridays I like to kiss people I hate. On the mouth. New Year's Eve guy name. Near Steve. I love that.

Steve writes. So I'm 18 and my girlfriend of a few months is 17. New Year's Eve is coming up and I've been looking forward to watching my favorite college football team play in the national semifinals with her before we ring in the New Year with the first New Year's kiss for both of us. But there's a problem. She's decided to inform me the other day that she is planning on going to a frat party at a local college with a group of friends on New Year's Eve instead.

Me not wanting to miss the football game and also having strict parents. I don't want her to go so she can be with me instead. This is a great question. She wants to go really bad though. I don't have any issues with drinking or partying but the thought of her hanging around a bunch of drunk frat dudes on New Year's Eve instead of being with me just puts a bad feeling in my stomach. We talked about it for a little while but we eventually got into a big fight.

Do you think I'm wrong for feeling the way I do? What do you think I should do? Thanks a lot. Love whatever name you might call me. New Year's Steve. New Year's Steve. This is a great question. You're wrong for feeling the way you do.

You're wrong for acting on your dumb feelings. So what do you think is dumb about it? Everyone's feelings are dumb. You can, they're so hyper personal that it's hard to empathize. Right. Jealousy. It's like everyone has it but it's not like a good trait that we've all got. It's helpful in some regards but when you are going to stay at home on New Year's Eve

to watch a football game and you are mad that your girlfriend's going to go to a party and you feel like the solution is that she also stays home and watches the football game that you want to watch, you're not right. I feel like these two things that he feels can't both be. He can either say, I'm putting my foot down, I'm watching the football game which is fine. Totally. But you're watching it by yourself. Right.

Or he can say, I'm coming with you to the frat party. Well I wonder if that's something he can say. Like if you're going to that party, I want to be there too. Yeah. I mean, as long as it's not like something she's doing with just her girlfriends and he's just like inserting himself. But he can't also say, I want you to be with me and also I want to watch the football game. Yes.

So you choose one of your two things that you have to do. Right. Very fine for people to want to go out and party on New Year's and it's very fine for your girlfriend not to want to watch a football game with you. So like exactly, you could be like, hey, let's party together on New Year's. I know that partying is important to you and you are important to me and I want to spend New Year's with you. So let's do that.

Yeah. Or watch the football game by your lonesome and your girlfriend's going to go to a party. That's a real, it's like in Batman where he has to choose between who's life to save. Harvey Dent. He looks over and sees the TV playing a football game and he looks over at his girlfriend doing a fucking keg stand and he's like, blow up. No, I wanted to go to the football game. I wanted to go to the football game because somebody gave him the address and he thought

it was to the stadium, but it was actually to the frat party. This is such a fucking great movie. All right, let's take a bit of a break, come back and answer some more holiday themed questions with a holiday themed Game Boy. Oh, cool. Thank you as well to CISO for sponsoring this episode. Hell yeah, CISO. Thank you CISO.

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Go to CISO, S-E-E-S-O dot com, use promo code if I were you. That's all one word. And you get two free months and then it's just $3.99 a month after that. Amazing. That is insanely affordable. What a great value. What an amazing company. And if you're listening to this over the holidays, you're probably at home without much to do.

So why don't you fill up that time with some grade A laughter and start with CISO, S-E-E-S-O dot com, promo code if I were you. Thanks to CISO for sponsoring. CISO is our last sponsor of 2016. See you guys next year. Let's do a montage of all the sponsors that we had set to Vitamin C's graduation song. So it would just be the head gum store in this. Yes.

Oh, for the whole year. Oh, the whole year. Nature box. The youngest. The youngest. The square space. All the times we had to get together. Wow.

What a deep pull. I love that. Thank you to all our sponsors. Thank you to CISO. Let's get back to the episode now. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional

licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, but BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. It's incredibly helpful. Therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years.

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When you're ready to launch, just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain again, Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial. Everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you Squarespace and as our lives change and we are back and we are going back to Australia. This is the first episode, I think that it will come out after our tickets are available for our return shows in Australia.

Hell yes. I cannot wait to come back. You know I had Vegemite on my with breakfast yesterday. Oh really? You're getting back in the mood. Getting back in the mood. Missed. I have missed that.

Missed that place very much. So we went to Australia with Streeter two years ago and two things are changing. One, we decided to come back when it was warmer, hence the March date. Yeah, so it's March 16th in Melbourne, March 18th in Sydney and then we eliminated three of the five shows. That wasn't just because we didn't want to. Well that's the difference. We're only doing two big shows, one in Melbourne, one in Sydney.

Unfortunately we can't go back to Brisbane, Adelaide and Perth. But you guys, we all know it's a quick jaunt from Perth to Sydney. Yeah, we've been on that flight. It's a quick 443. You're in and out off the plane parting with us in Sydney. So hopefully if you live in or around those cities, you will come see us. It's going to be Streeter doing standup, us doing our live show, but really it's so much more than that.

Yeah, we have fun. And we have extra fun with you guys. Last time, that was when I tried crowd surfing for a couple of times. Yeah, that was a fun one. In Melbourne, it failed. In Sydney, it worked. I think Sydney is the same theater. We're going back to the Metro Theater.

And in Melbourne, we're going to the Atheneum Theater. Definitely mispronounced that. Athenium. Athenium. Athenium. Athenium. But the ticket's information. Athenium?

Athenium? I don't know. Plus the accent. I'm so far off, I bet. Right. Remember, we mispronounced Melbourne for a long time when we were doing it before. Yeah, that was a bad situation too. Tickets available at ifirishow.com or jacadamere.com were probably heavily promoting it at this

point. Not too many tickets for these shows. And we're only doing one show in each city. So you want to snag them ASAP. I believe we sold out both of those cities last time. So do it now. That's also true. So we'll see you guys down under, hopefully very soon.

Other than that, I don't know what else there is to say. We're in the middle of our holiday season. We'll have some more stuff to talk about in January, I'm sure. Yeah. Keep busy. All right. You want to search some more questions? Let's search Santa.

Oh, now we're talking. I love Santa, man. What? Santa's awesome. Why? He gets me guessed, dude. What? I love Santa.

Oh, God. Claus? No, I know. Do you know what? Santa Claus? Yes. Yes. I know Santa Claus.

Santa Claus. I'm just old, jolly, Saint Nick. Saint Nicholas himself. Yeah. He has a bunch of elves that help make the toys, and then he... All right. I found a Santa. All right.

I was just letting you know who he was, and I didn't know if you... Slay? Flying reindeer? A lady. You know that guy? Mrs. Claus. That's his wife. Thank you.

All right. Good shit. Mrs. Claus writes, my mom... The fuck loves cookies. And milk. He can't get enough milk. Big-ass white beard, red hat, red pants, red jacket, black boots. You've seen the guy.

Big buckle, you know? You got a lack. Candy canes? All right, go ahead. My mom told me about a month ago that she wanted Billy Joel tickets for my dad from... Or from my dad for Christmas. They're children, and I have to coordinate these things. So bam.

Last daughter I am, I helped my dad find tickets, and he happily bought them. And they weren't cheap. Fast forward a couple of weeks, and my mom is suddenly freaking out about money, saying how things are tight, and to tell my dad not to get her anything for Christmas. Just a bit of a backstory. My dad is completely clueless when it comes to finances, so my diva mom whining about bills doesn't faze him. Anyway, I wanted to say to my mom, do you not remember that you specifically told me

that it was number one on your wish list, but I just kept my mouth shut? So what should I do? It's not like my dad is going to sell the tickets. He already thinks he's a god for getting them in the first place. I'm thinking I should maybe remind slash warn my mom so she doesn't have a bad reaction on Christmas morning. But I'm sure my dad would be bummed if he found out that I ruined the surprise. So what would you do?

Help assist her out for this first worldliness of first world problems. Oh, that's a nice question. Yeah. It's complex, but I think I know the answer. Okay. Don't say or do anything. The tickets are good. The present is perfect.

People freak out about money and then stop all the time. You know, I think that this the money freak out is not going to last as long as the desire to see Billy Joel in concert. Whoa. Uptown girl. Oh, sorry. It says Billy Joe Armstrong. Oh, awesome.

I don't want to be an American idiot. I keep misreading it. Billy Idol. Oh, I mean, dancing with myself and they had the chance. That's the world to dance. I'd be dancing with my set. Celine Dion. On jukebox.

Once more, you open the door. People often say, I wish you wouldn't get me that gift, but I don't think you can actually get mad. You shouldn't have. Yeah. I don't think people actually get mad at gifts. I think they get polite mad. Yeah.

Like it's like, oh my God, why'd you do this? No, you really shouldn't have gotten this from me. I don't know anybody who's like, why did you do this? You really should not have done this. Don't give it to me. Yeah, I'm sure that's happened because people are awful, but I've never personally heard a story of it happening. I'm mad at you.

I think that your dad's going to give her the concert tickets. It's going to be great. She's going to forget about money momentarily because she'll be so excited to see Mr. Dool. And if she wants, she can sell the tickets because it's her gift now and she can sell it for cash. You can always sell the tickets later for double face. I actually, I'll pay you triple face because I'm on the hub right now and I will pay you face.

What does that mean? I don't know. That's the best part. I wish you didn't ask. All right. I'm going to search Latke. Oh, very nice. Nothing.

Really? There's one, but it's a theme song submission. Cool. What's another Hanukkah thing? Dreadle. Dreadle, we fucking search. I know. I'm just kidding, dude.

Elijah. We're grasping up profits. What's another fucking Hanukkah thing? Or Christmas thing. Or tree. Christmas tree. Yeah. Christmas tree.

Christmas has a million things. What's the one that has fucking three? Search Maccabee and oil. That's good. Mac. Oil. Any oil related question. Or maybe it'll be a miracle in this oil question will last for eight episodes.

Imagine an oil question. Oh, no oil. Oh, we are out of oil. Oh, here's an oil. All right. We got an oil question. What happened on the eighth day when the oil lasted eight days and then it ran out? Yeah.

Did they have more oil by that time? They had more oil at that point. No, at that point. At that point in oil, they had more oil. What a coil. Yeah. I was listening. I was at Two Juice Talking, which is a podcast on the Head Gum Network, and they did a Hanukkah

episode and they were talking about the origin of Dreadle, how like Jews used to study, but then like if somebody bad was walking by, they had to be like pretend to be playing games and that's what the Dreadle was, which is kind of like the opposite of like what kids do now or it's like they're playing games and then somebody comes like, oh shit, we were studying. We were studying. Back then, studying was considered so good that they had to hide it by playing games. That's crazy.

Thank God those Jews are just playing Dreadle. The best game. A top. All right. Here's an oil related question. From let's call her, actually let's call her Latka. All right. Here's what's called her Sufgania, which means jelly doughnut.

Hi, my name is Sufgania and I'm a 19 year old sophomore in college. I'm a sociology major and as a result, I have become more socially conscious and politically liberal. My boyfriend of a year and a half who I met in college is essentially the opposite. He is a conservative Republican and all about big corporations specifically. His career goal is to be a lobbyist for a big oil or tobacco company. Well I would like to work for a non-profit. My question is, do you think we are doomed in the future?

We get along in literally every other way. We love spending time together, smoking and watching Adventure Time, hiking, sailing, playing with animals. In every other respect, we totally click. It's just the political thing that comes up and we tend to butt heads, but we are still respectful. Our difference is too significant to work out, especially career wise in the future. I'd love to hear your advice.

Yes. Crick up with this fucking idiot. Really? I was going to say no. Let's do it. Crick up with him. Do you want to be a lobbyist for a tobacco company? Yeah, but fuck you, man.

But they get along in every other way. No, they don't. Yeah, they do. They said they smoke and watch Adventure Time. They like hiking, sailing. So they both like cigarettes? Yeah. What if she also likes smoking?

Okay, that's one thing. He wants to work for a company that murders people. Oh, this is so cut and dry for you. Isn't it you bleeding heart liberal? I am a bleeding heart liberal. How dare you not see the gray area? There is no gray area. Tobacco is actually pretty good for you.

You take away the nicotine. No, it's not. And big oil? Yeah. What kind of car do you drive? A gas guzzling Toyota Tacoma. I actually drive a leaf. What?

And not the car. Did you see me earlier today sort of drifting down towards work on a fucking maple leaf? I think if you get along in literally any other way, and this other thing is not forcing you to have a lot of big fights, you're not doomed for the future. I think you're doomed for the future. I think that people get more set in their ways as they get older. And this rift is small now, but it's going to grow and grow and grow. And right now, all he wants to be a lobbyist, imagine when you are with the lobbyist.

Or it's going to be one of his things where he's just saying that to get under your skin. How do you, what does one want to be a lobbyist? Is that a thing that you want to do? Is that a thing that happens, or do you just really like money? I have no idea. I still don't entirely know what a lobbyist does. They try to win influence or whatever, but why does that get the money? Are they actually in the lobby?

Is that how it starts? The women are going into Congress and there's a guy in the lobby who's like, can I talk to you? I'm a lobbyist. I'm a lobbyist. I'm here because I like cigarettes and I know you do too. Actually smacking a pack, packing a smack. Why don't we go outside and fire a couple of these bad boys up?

You know, I like to smoke them two at a time. All right, two different thoughts. Cigarettes give you cancer, everybody. That's not the argument here. All right, what's another, let's get through one or two more holiday themed Game Boy search results. Ornament. Ornament.

For those of you joining for the first time, I'm searching our Gmail inbox, so people will email us if I were you show at gmail.com and we have thousands of emails in here and now we're just searching our Gmail for specific questions. No ornament. No ornament? No ornament. Good Lord. Little drummer boy.

Holy shit, there's a million. I bet little drummer boy might be in there. No. Give it a shot. I did. Give it another shot. It worked. Silent night.

Very nice. Holy night. Do you know that song? Silent night. Holy night. Just a yes or no, it's a vice. Sleep in heaven. I'm going to search Santa Claus.

Okay. Didn't we already do that? Did we? No, we didn't search Santa Claus. Ooh. All right, we got one Santa Claus question. The Game Boy is one. Hell yeah.

Only one Santa? Yeah, the rest is just like spam. All right. Day one listener, new friend caller. Let's call this guy Santa Claus. Recently I began dating my high school crush several years after we both graduated from high school. She's a goddamn dime, super sweet and intelligent, essentially the girl of my dreams.

While she went to university and studied political science after high school, I found a good job paying, this is like the opposite of what we just read, I found a good paying job and began investing in real estate without pursuing a higher education. Cut to the present where I own a lot of properties in our hometown and she has recently moved in with me with a lot of student debt. She has not so subtly hinted that I should be using my extra income to pay off her debt, but I was very straight up about my desire to not pay for her years of education. Should I suck it up and play the student debt Santa Claus to this girl or stick to my guns

and make her work it off herself? PS, we are both 24 years old. Don't go paying off your girlfriend's debt. That's not, no, you're not going to do that. What about fiance? I think fiance and wife, when you've made that commitment to each other, then it becomes a little more normal. If you're just a boyfriend and girlfriend and you're paying off her student debt, that's

crazy to me. I agree that it's not great, but is it that far removed than boyfriend and girlfriend living together and the boy pays a little bit more in rent because he makes more money? It is far enough, yeah, it's far removed from that because the guy is still paying less rent and it's like, I love you, everybody pays what they can. Not I love you, I'm going to pay off your creditors. Let her to the creditor. What if it's not the whole student debt, $50 a month, $100 a month, baby, anything you

can get. No, you got to draw the line, you can't do that and she shouldn't be asking you. I think it's one thing, it's a separate thing to me whether or not he should do it and whether she should have even asked. I feel like you're offended that she asked, she's not so subtly hinted at is what she said. Yeah, I don't think that she should be putting you in that position. Maybe a solution without straight up putting your foot down, first of all, I would just

never, ever even bring it up. She can not so subtly hint all she wants, just don't take the hint. I know what you're going to say, but you're going to say sexual favors for the cash, $50 for a blow job and $20 for anal and then at the end you add up the tab and pay off the student debt based on how much she blew you, is that what you're going to say? I think that's kind of offensive. There's a chance that a wide swath of our listeners are very affected by what you just said.

I was just guessing. I think that you could give her some kind of a job like being, if he owns a lot of property, you say, why don't you be the landlord for this place and you can earn a little bit of passive income, just the same way that you've made a lot of money off of real estate. She can enter into that by being the landlord for one of your properties. You're saying ostensibly hire her. Yeah. And put her in a position of power where she can earn some money to pay off her student

debt. I don't think this guy should just be straight up sugar daddying and giving her money for the student debt. So you're saying maybe she works for you instead of just gets free money for you. Yeah. Isn't that also a kind of a sticky situation if she's your employee? Yeah. I mean, I don't, but I don't think that this would be like a straight up employee thing.

This would be like, I'll let you run this house and you can keep some of this money. But you're saying once they do decide to get married, that debt is now shared? I think that once they decide to get married, I don't, I guess I don't think it's like automatically shared, but I think it's a much more worthwhile conversation to have then. Like if you want to raise a family and one of the members of the family is in debt and you have the means, then it makes sense to me. One of the two things that I really don't mind having avoided since I'm leaving, leading a loveless life without a wife is one, planning a wedding seems terribly stressful to me.

And two, the idea of like figuring out the financial implications of a prenuptial agreement, basically saying like, if you leave me, you don't get half of my money. Yeah. Those both seem like things that I don't mind having not dealt with in my life. I think that plan, to me, planning a wedding seems like the most fun part. You get to plan a huge party. That's great. I love planning plans.

It does sound awful, which is exactly why I'll never do it, and I'll just regret it later on when I get divorced. Yeah. That's sort of your attitude. It's like, why deal with stress now? Hopefully it doesn't ever come back to bite me in the butt. Yeah. But I mean, like I also, I'm hopeful enough that I'm going to be fucking loaded that

when I lose half my money, it won't matter. Yeah. And I'm hopeful enough that I'm going to be, I'm going to be dating someone who's going to be a straight up billionaire and they, they're the one who's going to fucking desperately want to sign a prenup. And you're not, and you're going to say, don't you love me, baby? Yeah. What, you think I'm in it just for the kick, kick, kick, kick, cash?

And as they respond, she's a 98-year-old oil tycoons mistress. All I see is a bag of cash with a tongue. And that's the only orifice I care about, because I like to kiss Estelle. She's still a 98-year-old. All right. So that's the general advice is not to do it unless you're willing to commit to live with your person for the rest of your life. And then at that point, you can have a separate conversation about whether this debt is shared

or not. Would you do a joint checking? Would you go that far? What's the default? Is the default no prenup or prenup? And is the default joint checking or not? I'm not sure. It feels like it's so different now.

Yeah. I mean, I would just... To join my checking with somebody, it seems so complicated. Like I'd rather just have my own and she could have her own. And if she needs money, then I'll just wire it. I don't know. A wire transfer. Yeah.

But then isn't that weird to imagine your parents having two separate bank accounts? Yeah. I mean, I don't... Yeah, I don't know. I can't imagine my mom logging on and looking at her bank account. But that's just because she never has had a bank... I think that my dad just has it and my mom has cards for it. We should talk to her.

We're hoping to get her on the podcast next week. We can talk to her all about her financial situation. Yeah. Oh, that'd be great. Let's fucking audit her. She'd love that. Let's audit her on the next episode. She would totally love it.

So we'll pull up the savings account and be like, do you remember this transaction? I'll read my dad's credit card number aloud on the next episode. Then everyone can sort of go through and audit her together. Everyone can use my daddy's money like I do. Freely. Thank you, Santa Claus. Santa Claus. Santa clown.

My father's a clown. I thought you liked him. He's all right. You're all over the place, man. I love it. I love Santa. All right. Merry Christmas.

Happy Hanukkah. Happy New Year. Happy New Year. Happy New Year. Coming up, regardless of when you listen to this episode, thank you guys for listening. Another year of If I Were You in the books. We appreciate your continued patronage. Thank you for telling people about the show.

Thank you for listening yourself. Thank you for submitting questions and submitting theme songs for us to use at the beginning and end of every episode. The opening one was written by Jackson Booth, the Eminem parody. This closer is written by Rafe R-A-F-E. I think he had something that he wanted to talk about. Oh, yeah. Rafe, that's my boy.

Really? Yeah. Rafe Malik. Yeah. How do you know that? I was an internet college humor. Oh, cool. So, RafeSongs.com is his URL.

Check him out. You write some good songs. We'll be back next year. 2018. What? Holy shit. We're taking a year off. I know.

We'll be back on Monday. Later, everybody. Bye. Jake and Amir, the podcast show is here and it's pretty clear they're going to help you. They're going to save the world or if you want to get that girl, they'll tell you what you need to know, which is you're young and your problems don't matter yet. So get laid and they're Jewish.

That was a hate gum podcast.