If I Were You - 254: Topless Tuesday

Episode Date: January 16, 2017

In this episode we discuss new years resolutions, oral sex, and selfies.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

It's alright to send in your questions to these dudes, I'm sure that they'll read them and then try to help you. Don't think of you being made fun of because if you're a jackass then prepare yourself for war. If I were you, Joe, it's so damn fucking dope, you'll never want to miss any episode. So ever in Monday, why don't you please make way to listen to these dudes? Take care of your war, take care of your war, take care of your war. Sometimes I guess they're pretty chill. Yeah, dude. Oh shit, man, it finally happened.

Do you know what that song is called? It's called Dammit. I always thought that song was called, I guess this is growing up. No, it's called Dammit. Yeah, it's called Dammit, you're right. Yeah, was that fucking Hoppus that's saying that? No, it was Arl. That's so dope, man.

It's not. I can't believe he listens to this show. I should text him and just be like, I should text Mark and just say, yo man, thanks for the song. Hope all is well or something. Do you have his number? No. Dude. Oh, you just want to be able to text him.

If someone could get me Mark Hoppus' number, I could text him and say, oh man, it's Jake. Hope all is well. Right, right, right. Thanks for the song. Of course. That's actually soon becoming our new favorite theme songwriter, Josh No Joshua, who's on Instagram and SoundCloud as Josh No Joshua. Sorry, Love from Brazil.

He's Brazilian. Very good. He says, hope you like it. I think Jake will appreciate it. So, thoughts? Excuse me? He said, hope you guys like it. I think Jake will appreciate it.

Huh? I guess he thinks you're a Blink 182 fan. Yeah, I'm a Mark Hoppus fan. That's why it's so awesome that Mark Hoppus wrote that for me. How old was Blink 182 when they wrote that song? And then how old were you when you loved it? Was it like a 23-year-old writing to a 12-year-old? Well, I guess I don't know how old Mark Hoppus was when he wrote What's My Age Again, because

in that song, he specifically references the fact that he's 23. 23, yeah. I guess I imagine that they wrote Damn It when they were 21, and I loved it when I was 15. But you also loved it when you were 21. I mean, I love it now. Yeah. And I'm way older. You're five-one.

It's aged well. It grows better with age. Yeah. I guess I loved it the max when I was 16 or 17, because that's... Which is pretty close to the age of the artist. Yeah. Well, I don't know. How old is Mark Hoppus now, like 42 or something?

That's a good question. Mark Hoppus. I feel like Hoppus is a level of dude we can get on the show. You think so? Yeah, I think so. He's absolutely incredible. He's 44. Let's see how many Twitter followers he has.

It's going to be... You think it's in the M? You think he's got M's? It's funny, because I do think that, but I just have this bad feeling that it's going to be so much lower. But I think it's over the... I think it's in the M's. Good news, man. It's almost 3M.

Is it really? Yeah. Hell yeah. So you think we can get that on the show? He won't even respond to us on Twitter. Really? I don't think so. I think we can figure out a way to get his attention.

Maybe when this episode comes out... He did make a video with College Humor back in the day. That's true. I don't know if he... I feel like everybody reads their tweets, even someone like Hoppus. Yeah, but when you're... I think when you have 3M followers... It's just constant.

Yeah, there are some days where I don't read all of my ads, and I have so many. So I have, honestly, probably half the followers that mark Hoppus. Yeah, wow. So much less than half. What do you... Half would be a million and a half. That's awesome for me. Definitely.

I mean, that's still pretty good. I guess maybe he will read a tweet from me. First of all, even in your delusion of grandeur, you said you don't think you have half as many. Right. So you have 70,000. So how many is that compared to Hoppus? Well, you have... If half is 1.5 million...

Yeah. You have 1.10 of half of that. 1.10 of half of that. So half twice and then a tenth. All right. Move on. Todd Orrick. I'm saying if I tweet at Hoppus the day this episode comes out and says, at Mark Hoppus,

hey, would you please be on our podcast? And then everyone who wants to help us out replies to that or retweets it. Oh my God, you gotta. Then he'll think we have thousands of... I mean, we do have thousands, but he thinks if thousands of people are retweeting and commenting on Twitter about it, then we must have millions of fans. That means... Little does he know we personally asked everybody listening to find that tweet.

Well, he might find out that we are doing this now. I don't think he'll find this part out. I think that somebody's going to fucking spill the beans. Well, now they're going to spill it because he had told him to spill the beans. All right, don't spill the beans. Why'd you even put the spill beans in their head? Now some troll is going to spill the beans. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

All right, so nobody spilled the beans. Everyone retweet and organically chime in. They say, yeah, this will be great. Oh, definitely. It would be fucking great. I agree. That's why it's not that terrible of an ask. So find the tweet.

I'll put it online by the time hopefully you guys are listening to this. Mark Hoppus, I assume he lives in LA, right? Or did he? I think they... Maybe he lives in LA. I remember they're from San Diego. They might be, like, so rich and successful to the point where you get to, like, move back to just kind of be wherever you want.

Didn't you... Weren't you at a hockey game one sitting next to him? Yeah, I talked to him at a hockey game one time. Did you, like, were you, like, big fan or were you, like, you're everything? I played it kind of cool for a little while and, like, we were just talking about stuff and I had made a joke and then, like, midway through the hockey game or, like, after the end I was like, I'm never going to get to tell him this again. So I was like, I'm a...

You're... I'm a big fan. I, like, grew up listening to you. And then he was just, like, thanks and then he didn't talk to me for the rest of the game. It is funny, like, why... I would do that too if I, like, sat next to, let's say, Larry David or Woody Allen at a hockey game and I'm like, oh my God, I have to tell him. Like, I feel such a need...

What if I don't tell him? Like, it doesn't affect him. It doesn't make... It is definitely for you. You're right, but why am I happy with it? If I don't share this with him. He has to know that I love him a lot. He has to know that otherwise I'm going to regret it.

What if I live my life and I never confessed to him that I'm a fan of his? Yeah. What a waste it would be. I guess it probably would have been a better experience if I didn't say anything because then maybe he would have, like, warmed up to me, talked to me like a peer. Oh, yeah. And then I could have, like, left and been like, Mark Hoppus was friendly to me. Yeah, but can you imagine, like, saying to your friends or people that knew you were

such a big fan that you sat next to Mark Hoppus and didn't say anything? Yeah, did you tell him how much you loved him? Nah, I didn't come up. You had to tell him. How did you not say to him that you're a fan of him? He's like, the hope is that you get, like, validated in some real way for loving them for that long. Right.

Like, I grew up listening to you. I think you're amazing and you get some sort of like, like, that's awesome. That's why I do it. Thanks for sharing that. Or is it the goal of, like, he's like, that's awesome. We should be friends. I don't know if I ever thought that, like, he was going to be like, no way. I should hang out with you.

That's cool, man. Let's do glitter. He would have way too many friends if he hung out with all of his fans. 2.92 million fans. Anyway, I would love to have him on and talk about this. I bet he doesn't remember being at this hockey game. This is what we could talk to him about on the show. Yeah.

Find our tweet, guys. Chime in. All right. What is this? This is if I were you. The only advice podcast on the interweb hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake.

What we do is answer people's questions. They'll email us. They're confused. They're scared. They're at a crossroad in their lives of sorts. And we do our best to tell them what we would do in their similar situation. Thousands of emails. Only the best of the best make it to the show.

I found two. You found two in this episode. That's correct. Let's start with one of mine. Okay. I forwarded it to us and I said question one. No, I don't know if I can find it. Oh, here we go.

All right. Question one writes, should we call this guy Mark? That's a great idea. I'm going to give him, give this real email from a real person, fake name, just to preserve his anonymity. Mark writes, I'm writing because I don't know how to properly deal with this situation. My girlfriend and I have been dating for close to a year now and we are really, really happy. We've known each other since my sophomore and her freshman year of college, now four

years, and we're really good friends before we started dating. In the almost year that we've been together, we have never had a single argument because we agree on pretty much every topic you could. Recently, however, I discovered that she has been occasionally sending nudes to a Tumblr page that does a submission-based quote topless Tuesday. These were all photos that were sent to me first, so she doesn't think it's a problem. However, I think it is. I brought it up a few times, but I never went fully into it because I don't want to ruin

our streak of never having an argument. We're moving in together within the next few months and I plan to put a ring on it soon after. I feel like I should be the only person to see her naked. I feel like I should be the only person to see her naked, but she feels like it's a piece of self-expression. Please, help me figure out how to bring this up to her. Love, Mark, let's call him.

Mark, an interesting question. It looks like maybe they do disagree on some shit. I'm pretty busy right now on this topless Tuesday Tumblr. Oh, is it a thing? You tell me whether. Oh, my boobs. It's a thing. Look at her boobs.

I think the biggest detail here is that the pictures are of boobs no face. Are they? There's some face. It really depends. Now there's some face no boobs. There's several actually topless Tuesday Tumblers. This one's face bra. I guess the topless part is sort of a stretch.

Anyway, start from the beginning. The beginning is this guy gets photos from his girlfriend and she wants to express herself. Even to a wider audience submits her photos to a topless Tuesday Tumblr where anybody can see the nudity. His problem is clear. He doesn't want his girlfriend doing that. His reason to not make an issue is because they've never had a fight. Yeah, you don't want to ruin the street.

The reason you've never had a fight is because you're too much of a coward to bring up anytime that you disagree with your girlfriend. That could be a definite reason as to why people don't fight. If somebody's so passive then they would never fight. I don't think it's like a point. It's not necessarily a good thing if you never fight with your significant other. It's the quality of your fights that matter. Not the quantity.

The quantity of fights and disagreements that you can discuss rationally without blowing up at each other and understand and empathize with the other person's point of view and not lose your patience and see the fight through to the end. That's a good fight. That's an interesting fight. You want to have those fights. You want to have these disagreements and discussions. It makes your relationship evolve.

But then if you're like, oh, we never fight and I don't even want to get into it at all. That's not necessarily healthy. That's just like you guys sweeping things under the rug. If that lumpy eyes rug, you're eventually going to trip on it. What was that? That was, I made sort of, I think, a decent joke. Size. Yeah, and then I sort of laughed like a dolphin.

I see. That was you laughing at the joke and not somebody, pantomimeing somebody slipping on the rug. Oh, yeah, yeah. That was me laughing at my own joke as if I were like a dolphin, kind of like a dolphin, kind of like a monkey. I see. Like a dolphin doing a trick where it's sort of making noise for the audience and maybe skimming across the top of the lake.

Yeah, nearly entirely. What's the opposite of submerged, post-merged? Yeah, just the bottom 10% sort of gliding across the top of the lake. Making noises, waving to the crowd. And that's what you said at the end of a joke. I do think it was a good point. You sweep enough things under the rug and you're going to trip over the lumps. So the question, how about this deeper question is, is this something that would perturb you?

And why? What's the deeper psychological thing beyond his rationale, which is these photos are meant for me only? Yeah, it's weird. I don't know. I don't think that I'd be like… Like the photos of her, they're meant for whoever she wants to share them with. Yeah.

So, but why? I mean, I would also be a little uneasy. I guess I wouldn't. I would also be uneasy, but not because I would be like, I'm the only person allowed to see you naked. It would be more like, what if like my parents saw this somehow? Right. Would they?

My friends found out. What if like, I don't know. Are you seeing it or is it them judging your girlfriend being like, hey, now everyone thinks you're kind of crazy and that's a bad look for me? Right. I guess, and that is a weird thing, you know, in theory it is fine, whatever she wants to do with the photos. But I guess my question would be like, why did you want to do this with the photos?

What did you get out of this that we can't provide for each other? Yeah, validation probably. I remember talking to you once about how certain ladies on Instagram just post pictures, sexy pictures of themselves. And I was like, that's so interesting because I wouldn't do that. But what I, my version of that is posting funny pictures. I always want the pictures to be funny because I think I'm funny. Oh yeah.

That's my value. For some people, men or women, their values, their looks is like, I want to just post hot photos. They don't have to be funny. They don't even think about making them funny. They just want to be like attractive, attractive, attractive. Yeah. There's also the idea that you have, somebody like you, you like go to shows and people come

and see you and people take photos of you. But there's not necessarily a lot of like, you know, for, for people that post a lot of photos of themselves, what other outlet do they have of photos of them being posted? Right. Sort of like up to them. Yeah. They have to do it. Yeah.

And I also sometimes post pictures of myself that I think I look good in. I'm like, oh, that's a good picture of me. And I have to like post it, but then I have to post it with a funny caption. Otherwise, I have to like wink at everyone be like, you can't make fun of the fact that I'm posting basically a headshot because I'm going to make a funny comment. You posted yesterday, I'm handsome here. My Facebook profile picture. Yeah.

I wrote I'm handsome. It's like the next level of being like, I know that you think I'm just doing this because I'm think I'm handsome. I'm going to undercut it with a joke. It's like, no, now the joke is that I'm plainly saying in the caption, I'm handsome here. You can't say it. Yeah. The M&M theory.

If I'm going to make fun of myself, tell them something they don't know about me. I don't know how we got into this. Oh, self expression. Yeah. So this lady wants to self express herself. Express herself by posting topless photos of her on the internet. Can this guy have an argument about it? You can definitely have an argument about anything.

Who knows if you're in the right. Right. Is there a right? No, because it's not illegal to post photos of yourself on the internet topless or other ones. Well, I guess if you're underage, but she's not. So she wants to post these photos. You don't want her to post the photos.

Yeah. I think you've got to really examine why you don't want her to post the photos. It's a hard, hard question to ask yourself the answer. And maybe it is just like straight up. I am jealous. I don't want other people looking at your naked body. I think that should just be for me. That's like a cool privilege I get for dealing with your other shit.

I think that's like a little controlling or something. Maybe it's not. Who knows. But that's not like what I would be super concerned by. Right. But then you have to also, once you have that discussion, you've got to be willing to have the ensuing argument because you guys are diametrically opposed on this one issue. Foes.

Yeah. Please help me figure out how to bring this up to her. Probably very plainly simply stating, oh, BT dubs. I feel really uncomfortable when I see photos of your naked body on the internet. Yeah. And she'll say, why? And you'll say, this is where you've already decided exactly what you're going to say. So whatever his reasons are.

I think the very least bad sounding reason is because these belong to me because I think that will turn her off because that seems very possessive. Photos of her naked body belong to you. And that's sort of like the doofus, meathead, immediate response. Because they're my tits. Yeah. There is a more thoughtful way of phrasing that. You do feel like these tits are just for you to look at because it's a special bond between

you and your loved one. Yeah. They're very intimate parts. Private sing. Literally private. That you would imagine that you only want to share with each other. And because they're being shared, her tits are being shared with a wider audience. I feel like it's diluting the specialness of seeing them when you guys are having your

own intimate moments. Yeah. So that is sort of a long-winded way of saying they're my tits. But I think that the pure heart rule, once again, rises. You say, there's only so much specialty coming out of your breasts and you're sharing it with the world and I get less of it. How about, how do you like this? Livestream, he starts J-ing-oh.

She loves it. What? How can you love this self-expression? This self-love. You've got to explore it from the most loving aspects of your mind. Don't think of it as like, they're my tits. You can't show them to other people. You have to think of it, why do you think they're your tits?

Or why are her tits so special? And why do the things that happen to her tits and the people who see her tits, why does it make you feel good or bad or otherwise? And it's not just strictly because they're your tits, it's because you care about the tits a lot. Yeah, you basically can't force her to do it, you have to sort of give her your thoughts and then she has to make up her own mind to say, you know what, the positive feelings that I get of posting my boobies aren't worth the negative feelings that I'm inflicting

onto my future fiance. And the last thing I'll say on this is to be very patient because just like you're trying to change her mind to not put her tits online, she may try to change your mind to let her do it. Yeah. Or to at least to not let her do it, but to feel comfortable with her doing it. So be open to that too. I will say that if it's the photo of the boobies without the face, he has less of a leg to

stand on. Yeah. But what if her argument is like, my face isn't in it, so it's not a bad thing, like I'll never get, they'll never find out that it's me. Yeah. I would, to that I would say people might find out it's you. How? There's like identifying things on your body, you could like find out like what email address

submitted them. There's like ways that this, if she's like, oh, I'm submitting them and it's like totally anonymous, it's a safe space. Yeah. I don't think that's necessarily true. Right. But so she's got to be cool with like it potentially being a known fact that those are her tits. But wouldn't that bother you less if there was faceless pictures of the lady?

It would definitely bother me less, but I'd still like want to know why she felt like she wanted to do it. All right. All right. Let's get to another question. Let's call this guy Travis. This one is one that you play the drums in my favorite band. All right.

Travis writes, I'm not sure how to proceed with a really far out woman I've met recently. I think there's a real connection here. The only thing is she's dating a friend of mine. Uh-oh. Bum, bum, bum. Her and I always seem to catch each other's gaze. We share a lot of personal and creative stuff and tend to engage in a healthy amount of physical contact.

Not to mention she seems to be fine with our slowly increasingly flirty conversations and seem to be cold towards her boyfriend, sometimes too turning away from his affection and sticking up for me between normal guy to guy ribbing. I've considered that she might just be a flirty person, but I haven't seen her being like this to other guys. We've hung out once on our own and there was some really serious conversation like how she doesn't feel attracted to her boyfriend and how he smothers some of her favorite activities of her personality.

That particular time felt a lot like a first date. We walked around the park, got coffee, went back to my place to smoke some of that wacky tobacco and chill with her cat. My friend and I are fairly good pals, but I've been seeing our friendship differently after picking up some weird vibes when I once brought a dime piece around him. How do I navigate a sticky sitch like this? Hugs and kisses, Travis. Definitely feels like some of the weird vibes you might catch from your friend could be

because you're stealing his girlfriend. Very openly and plainly. Even if you're dating someone and I was just like, yeah, we walked around the park, got coffee, got high and hung out with her cat, that wouldn't be okay. This guy also seems like he's super hypersensitive to the point of projecting like oftentimes she'll side with me on certain guy-to-guy ribbings that I've noticed. I think she sort of stole me a gaze during one argument and I felt like she was implicitly telling me, you stare at her a lot.

Sometimes she has to look at you by default, by accident. This is like that Friends episode where Chandler was a better match with Joey's girlfriend. Oh yeah. Remember and then Chandler went into the box to apologize. I do remember that. But then eventually Joey told him to run after her because you know what, sometimes people just do belong better with other people. And did they?

They ended up dating. That person was Monica. It is interesting, sometimes people's girlfriends just belong better with other people, I guess, right? Yeah. Just by borderline, by accident, destiny, fate, I don't know what you want to call it. Somebody might be an alright fit with one person, but a much better fit with his friend. Have you ever felt like that about one of my girlfriends?

Not one of your girlfriends. I wonder if I ever felt like that with any girlfriend, any friend's girlfriend. Again, what comes to mind is something that I talked about recently where I went on a few dates with someone and I'm like, you belong with my friend better than me. I've never wanted to steal a friend, but I've thought like, oh, this fit would be better with the... Yeah. But it must happen, right?

And it sounds like this guy's very willing to sacrifice the friend to hang out with the girl. He loves the girl and he's sort of like... I like me and my buddy get along. Your lifelong friend. My friend and I are fairly good pals. So is there any way to... I think you have to...

You can't have both. Yeah. I think especially with a friend, if you... The most you can really do here is immediately stop pursuing it and then... Wait. Yeah. A natural end. If it ever comes up with this girl, it should be like, I don't want to pursue anything while

you're with my friend. Oh. And then... That's very wink-wink. Yeah. If they're single, if she's single, then it's another hard conversation you have to have with a friend. Yeah.

Like, this is kind of weird. Do you mind if I date her? Yeah. But at the very least, that's like a weirdness that can grow to everyone is going to be fine and normal again. Has that ever happened in your friend group, a girl dating two guys within it? Hmm. Definitely.

Yes. I know that it has. I can't think of it off the top of my head. Maybe like it was like junior high and then later on. Yeah. Well, I mean, even in our group of friends, like people have all slept with each other and like... Yeah.

Hooked up but like legit girlfriends. Right. No. I can't think of anything like that off the top of my head. But it's had to have happened. Right? It had to have. I think the key is like how much time in between.

Was there another girlfriend in between? I feel like every like five to seven years, that person is completely different. So like if somebody in my friend group dated my first girlfriend, it wouldn't be like whoa. That's kind of weird. It's like, oh, it's been like 15 years. Right. And we're kind of... So this guy has to wait 15 years.

Not 15, but let's say one relationship, the distance. Distance himself from... Oh, I guess that's... So she can't be back to back. You mean like he wants, his friend needs to date somebody else and break up and then he can be like... Oh, maybe that's what it is. It's more about the friend finding someone else because then the friend can't be jealous

because he's in a relationship. Yeah. So like once you're a friend is with somebody else, he can't be like, fuck, I'm jealous of you because that's sort of a slap to his current girlfriend is like, wait, why aren't you just happy in our relationship? Yeah. I guess that makes it easier. But I still think that as long as the two people are single, then it's fine.

It might be weird, but it will also eventually be fine because you can be upset and then you think like, well, I guess I have no reason to be upset. We did break up. Right. All right. So here's what you do. Let it naturally end. You can't force the end.

Stop going on dates with her because that's going to come back. She's going to eventually say, I've been on five dates with your friend. And then once it naturally breaks up, wait a little bit. I say wait until your guy finds another girl. Jake says you don't have to wait that long. Well, I guess it depends on what he's doing. What if he's just like, I want to enjoy being single? Right.

Then you're like, oh, shit. I really want you to... I really would like you to settle down again. But me. All right. That's it. That's the... That's the advice.

Also sounds like this guy just straight up wants to end his friendship with the guy and start dating. Yeah. Oh yeah. If you really don't care about the friendship with the guy, you might as well just go for the girl. I regret that. I think you'll regret that, but go ahead.

All right. Let's take a break. We'll come back. I'll answer two more questions, Chit Chat and the other right after this. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. You're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place and it's

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first purchase of a website or domain again, Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial. Everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. We have returned New Year's resolutions. Do you have one? Fuck you know, I failed on my last New Year's resolution, which was what make my heels stop

hurting. It still hurts? Yeah. As much? Yeah. Zero improvement in 365 days. There's still things that do that make it improve like when I spend all morning like rolling it out, stretching and like rest.

I can like do things that make it feel better and I do those as often as I can. But yeah, there's still more like I fantasize about just being able to walk and not have pain and that hasn't happened. Okay. So this year, do you roll it over? Do you say, fuck that one. Let's fucking read more. I'm going to roll it over.

I've been like real hell bent on, I have not slowed down. So I started physical therapy on the heel now and that's been minor improvements. You think that if in a thousand lifetimes you're living the last year, there's one where you've healed your heel? I think so. I asked the doctor that I saw most recently if there was any hope for me after doing pain today. This is all, you turn your physical therapy into actual therapy.

Yeah. Is there a hope for me to be happy again? He was, he like gave, he like did my assessment, we did a couple exercises, he's like, yes, do you have any like questions for me? And I was like, will I ever be better? Is there any hope for me being able to run? Level with me doc. Just shoot me fucking straight man.

As long as I come to grips with that reality, maybe it won't kill me anymore. And what did he say? He said yes, but that it was going to be hard work and it was going to take a lot of effort, which I'm totally down for. Yeah, you'll do anything. I have not missed the day of the exercises since he's given them to me. Can you explain it? Can you explain why do you have pain always?

Not really. The most anybody's ever been able to explain is just that like inflammation is really, really tricky and stubborn. And if I've had it for like many years, it's really hard to fix it. And that my body's also been like compensating for this pain in ways that I could never even understand. Ear hurts. Yeah.

Even like my center of balance has shifted from like the middle of my body to the left side of my body because my left leg has been the one doing more of the support. You're constantly doing ginger, gingerly walking on one side versus the other. Exactly. So stuff like that. And he's like, he's also testing like the way I breathe and like the muscles in my buttocks. Oh yeah. I saw him squeezing a few of your buttocks.

Yeah. He buried his face deep into my buttocks. He told me a flat shirt. I said, does this tickle? Yes, it does. So my resolution is to sue him. Use the cash to hire the best podiatrist in America to just put me under the knife. Cut me open and take a fucking look.

Amplitate my foot. I don't even care. It's interesting if they're like, well, we can cut off your foot and you would feel no pain. I give you a blade. I would almost definitely be down. I don't think that they could really guarantee that I'd feel no pain though because I'd have to like learn to walk without a foot.

Right. Or give you a prosthetic foot that wouldn't hurt. Yeah. That's like some sort of really low stakes episode of Black Mirror. Yeah, I'd really want the ability to potentially go back. All right, if necessary. So that and to get ripped. Oh, you're going to get ripped?

I'm going to get ripped. That's fun. Again. How does that differ? Are you changing it up or are you just going to continually do what you're doing? I don't know. It feels like getting ripped is also like kind of intrinsically tied to my foot feeling better.

Oh, like you can only get so ripped on an injured foot. Yeah. The best shape I was ever in was when I was like doing sprint training. Right. Running. I haven't really been able to do that at all. And also like those like explosive crossfit movements and shit. Jumping.

Yeah. Jump rope and burpees and shit. That seems like something I really want to do. And every time I do those, it hurts the fuck out of my heel. Yeah. I would have just tried to sprint just to see what it would feel like. At some point over the last four years, I definitely have tried to sprint. Like, what if it just hurts as much as walking does anyway?

Yeah. I think that's actually one of my other resolutions is to just straight up sprint and see what happens. Just to see. Yeah. I definitely, I know that like doing burpees and jogging and jump rope did increase the pain. Oh, that's good.

So I imagine that sprinting is going to be the same. But I'm going to, I'm going to sprint on the track, which is a little more bouncy. So a lot of physical resolutions. I'm just going to go at it. Yeah. Get after it. What about you? I want to just become a better person.

Fix myself emotionally. I also want to make my fucking back stronger. What? I was just saying be nicer to others. Try to empathize more. Right. I'm going to get like fucking dope clothes. What?

I want to like really, really, I want my wardrobe to be on fleek and on point for the rest of the year. What were you saying? I was just saying, if I can just empathize with let's say five people a day, then I put like enough good spirit into the world. If I get like a new pair of shoes, it's every day of the week, that's fucking lit. Yeah. I would borderline say it's lit AF.

What were you saying about fucking connecting with a homeless dude or whatever? What's your, what's your real resolution? My actual one is to work out more. Well specifically I'm working out with Billy, our really strong friend. So since I hurt my ankle, I was like inactive for two months. So I told Billy New Year's resolution, I'm going to work out with you every day, Monday through Friday in January, because he works out every day. Does he work out five days a week or seven days a week?

He goes to the gym four to five days a week and then he like does basketball and like other stuff on the weekends. So he goes to the gym nearly every single day. So he's exercising every single day. Yeah. But literally at the gym every day. So I said, I'll go with you. That'll like kickstart my fitness.

I'll see if I, because he did this with another friend of his, I guess I don't have to say his name, but he, that guy gained like seven pounds of muscle in a month. Oh my God. I want to try that. Did he shred any fat too? Or was he already? He was, he was lean. He was lean.

He was kind of like me. Like he didn't really have any fat. And then he like shredded it, got more muscle, gained seven pounds in a month. Was he like super proud of himself? Yeah. He was proud of himself. Does he, could you notice the difference in his body? I think so.

I didn't, I didn't, I didn't really know this friend beforehand, but seeing him now, he's all like pretty much as strong as I am. And he had never worked out before. Wow. Yeah. That's pretty cool. He's like, but he's like a lean, strong guy in general. He's like doing stuff with his hands and.

So what if, I mean, if you work out every day in January with Billy, yeah, that's only one month. Are you going to like keep it up? That's the question. I don't know. I'll see how I feel at the end of January. I'm like, am I exhausted and tired and this isn't worth it or all right, let's fucking do this.

You're like seeing results. Yeah. Seeing results that I want more. After the first, it's been like a week and a half of doing it. It's all, it's actually been a week. So we're recording this on a Wednesday. So we did Thursday, Friday, then Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. So how does it, how does it feel so far?

I feel like I'm working. Usually I go to the gym and I'll like run on a treadmill for 20 minutes and I'll do like, all right, today's biceps and triceps and I'll do like one exercise of one and one of the other. I'm like, this is good. And with Billy, he, his cardio is all one day. So there's some days we get there and he's like, all right, let's do biceps today and we do five or six bicep exercises.

Then he's like, all right, and now back exercises and it's six back exercises. So I'm definitely getting more sore with him than I ever have because I've never done six back exercises or all these exercises targeting like one very specific muscle in your back. Yes. Yeah. So he, so he's not doing like six exercises that are all like on your, yeah, he'd be like, this one is for these two muscles at the top of your neck.

This one is for your lower back on the side. So we like pick up a weight and sort of dip to the right, like a little teapot, short and stout. Like these are supermans and they'll, they'll focus on the small of your back or like right next to your spine. And he's like, what will happen is, I don't know if it'll actually happen to me, but he said what happened is to him, he does these things called super sets, which are little sets within your sets.

So like we'll do a bicep workout, you know, like three sets of 10 or he does 12, 10, eight. Then after the 12, after the 10, after the eight, he does a, he picks up a lighter weight and just does 12, uh, in addition to the three sets. He does like sets with insets and he's like, and those little things basically add up to like an extra day at the gym. He's like, it's little muscle groups that like are in your stomach or in your back or in your side. And after a while, they all just combine to make.

He basically like treats it as like a Voltron combining to make a tight toned, strong jacked body. Cool. But he's been working out for like 10 to 15 years and I've done it for five days, but I feel stronger. I think we're probably comparable at this point just because we've both done it the last five days. But I'm, um, his other Billy's other thing is to eat a lot more protein.

So Billy eats like probably twice as much food as I do. But in addition to that, focusing on protein, protein, protein, like milk protein shakes in the morning, a lot of meat during the day, protein shake at night, like before you go to bed. This is also, uh, I don't know if everybody listening knows this, but Billy played the person trainer in episode seven, I think, or maybe a little in the morning. So you can see how quite jacked he is. Yeah.

Yeah. So it's sort of life imitating art. Uh, but yeah, I do feel like sore in my chest muscles for the first time ever. My calves are sore. Like we did a leg day like properly where my calf muscles got sore for the first time. So, uh, follow my, follow my progress. I'm posting shirtless selfies every day to my Instagram. Topless Tuesday.

I'm doing topless Tuesday and Thursdays. Uh, we'll see how long it goes. So far so good. I'm in it to win it. No regrets. Five days in. I haven't quit yet. Um, but there's still time because my other New Year's resolution is to quit sooner.

That's nice. Yeah. Pull out faster. Uh, let's mention real quick Lee that we're going to Australia and Hawaii. On February 18th, I believe, and Australia, March 18th and March 16th in Melbourne and Sydney. Tickets still available to both shows. Live podcast slash, I want to say we're partying down probably.

I were definitely going to party in Melbourne and Sydney. So it's like a comedy show slash party slash night out. I'm going to rage in Fitzroy. That's right. You best believe. I'm going ham and lamb. Ham would be a city next to Sydney, maybe, but it's not, uh, tickets, uh, all that information is at jacadamere.com or if I were you show, I believe we sold out the, uh, both of our

shows in Melbourne and Sydney last year. That's true. So tickets, uh, are unlimited resource. Grab them whilst you can. All right. Should we answer what's, I think we're almost out of time because we talked to a shitload about our resolutions, which are incredibly vain, just improving our physical sense. Uh, but maybe that's important, you know, yeah, you have to feel good about yourself.

Ultimately. Yeah. It's all about self image. Um, and let's answer one last question that you sent to me that you said was good. I haven't read it yet. Oh, I, and I forget what it says. Uh, I can't come without visual stimulation. This one.

That's about right. Uh, Tom. Uh, yeah. Well, Tom's not really in blink when they do anymore, but I have, let's, let's go with it because he's my favorite. Uh, Tom. Unless Mark Hoppus comes on the show, then he's my favorite. Uh, Tom writes, Hey guys, love the show is, uh, I'm in quite a predicament and could use

some advice. My girlfriend and I have been dating for around two years and we've been having sex for around that, uh, I've been having sex for around the same time. During that time of the month for her, she's super cool and continues to pleasure me without reciprocation, not really down to earn my red wings. But the issue is I can't come just from blowjobs. I have either, I have to either secretly look at pictures of other girls or like watch porn with no volume or snap a pic, anything taboo.

And then I do hide it when I finally come. I don't want to make her feel like, uh, like she's shitty at it, uh, and she's not. But my issue is I would like to come without it. I feel like a douche. So I would love some, I would love some help. Thank you very much. Love Tom. So this guy's looking at porn while his girlfriend blows up.

I cannot. I, this is, I like could not believe that he's surreptitiously like watching porn on his phone while he's getting, like, how. You have a bad imagination. Just close your eyes for Christ's sake. Can you like, where is, is she just like under a bunch of covers and listening to music? He's taking out a magazine. I'm just like forgetting to put, put the volume off the porn.

Oh my God. Oh, oh, pre-roll. Sorry, babe. One second. Oh, I'm going to not, I just really have to watch Apple movie trailers while you blow me. Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm. I can't come without visual stimulation.

Can you relate to this? No, I mean, getting a blow job is pretty visually stimulating. Yeah. It seems like the blow job is doing the heavy lifting. What's getting him over the goal line is a photo? Yeah. I don't think. At worst, can't he close his eyes and imagine somebody blowing him?

Yeah. Close your eyes. That's what that Beatles song is about. Close your eyes and I'll picture a girl fucking fixtures. That's what gets him off of fucking a woman riding a sconce. How are the sconces in your house? The sconces are really coming together. And they're coming.

Sconce upon a time. Very good. I forgot you were opening that sconce store. We ordered a bunch of sconces for my new house and one of them is too dim. I always thought sconce was just the thing that you put the bulb in. That's the picture. Yeah, but we got like a specific bulb. Yeah, it's like the point of the thing is like you have the exposed bulb.

So it's got to be sort of like a nice, vintagey looking Edison bulb type thing. I ordered some brighter ones online. We'll see if they do the trick. I'll keep you posted, everybody. Sconce upon a time dot tumblr.com. Sconce upon a time. I feel like a douche. I would love some help.

Close your eyes and think of something else. Don't look at photos while your girlfriend's blowing. Yeah. At the very, I guess like, if you really feel like you need some sort of extra visual stimulation, maybe just like put something on a mantle or like near your bed, have a photo. I don't know. I don't like the idea of him like somebody, a blow job is such an intimate, nice gesture. It's such a favor.

Do you think a blow job always comes with a hand job or that's just a bonus? Do you think a hand job is part of the blow job or like not necessarily? Maybe not necessarily. But maybe that would help if she's used her hand. Yeah, both hand and blow, two jobs for the price of fun. Yeah. That's definitely the best way to get a blow job. Just to get a hand job too.

Yeah. Well. Or do you have to say that or just say? I guess you could say use your hand or maybe you just wait till she uses her hand and then you say you. I like it. Like that. You got sold, got sold.

Singing. I can only come while doing karaoke. I really think you should be able to close your eyes. You hear people that can't come from blow jobs and they're like, oh, I can only really come from sex. But you never hear anybody that's like, I can't come from blow jobs because I'm not looking at anything. The best part about sex is that I can see a picture of my girlfriend not sucking a dick.

And that's what I like the most. What if he's looking at a picture of her? That's kind of nice, but you could also just look at her. Yeah, but her, her face is down. So you take a. You're mostly seeing your own mom. It's. It's a nice, she can't get mad if you look at, she looks up and you're just staring

at an eight and a half by 11 inch framed high res glossy headshot of her. Yeah. That's true. I guess you could just like take a really sexy photo of her and keep it by your bed. That's nice. Or make a mad, a mad fold in. So it's like actually someone else, but then when she looks up, you snap it open and it's actually a smart idea, some sort of optical illusion.

Is it an old woman or a young lady? You could strategically hang something somewhere, but I just feel like you should be able to, maybe you need to change your blow job positioning. Like I don't know. I just don't know what their setup is. Like what versus what back versus side. Yeah. Like maybe he's, he's lying on his back and he's a little too rigid.

Maybe he needs to get a little more comfortable. Maybe like the side is the way to go or maybe he like, I don't know. I think that there are other factors that aren't your visual stimulation. It's something else. So do that instead of looking at photos of other girls. Yeah. Definitely don't look at photos of other girls while your girlfriend's blowing you. That's sort of a mean thing to do.

All right. If you guys have your own stupid questions, just getting there, not stupid. If you have your own questions or your own theme song submissions, send them all over to ifireushow at gmail.com. We're coming to Hawaii. We're coming to Australia. Buy tickets. Hang out with us there.

Live podcasts, live shows, live parties do hang out. The opening theme song was written by, oh yeah, Josh No Joshua. This closing one was written by Hermes Winters, a lovely singing voice. Her Tumblr is chronicbedhead.tumblr.com. So thanks Josh No Joshua. Thanks Hermes. Thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back next week if you can believe it because we're back every single Monday.

Thanks Toda. Good night. Good fight. Goodbye. Cheers. Maybe I should email if I were you and listen to you too. Give me the answers to my situation because I need advice from a podcast station to show my love.

I'll come the blow, learn to take it well. I hope that you two guys can get me out of this hell. I hope I seize the cheese, Jake Annam and Pierre, won't you help me please?