If I Were You - 261: Daddy (w/Tim Baltz!)

Episode Date: March 6, 2017

Comedian and friend Tim Baltz joins us to discuss breakfast, fighting, and kinky dog whistles.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Yeah. Well, there's three more verses. Okay. That was Tim. Punk Rocky. What'd you think, Tim? That was great.

The guy who chimed in, oh yeah, like halfway through. Yeah. Kind of sounded like Jake. Oh, I wonder if they just took an audio song. Oh yeah. That's pretty good. That kind of sounds like Dave because I stole it from him. Yeah, we have a friend named Dave.

But he stole it from Macho Man Randy Savage, I think. Everybody steals. Let's talk about it. Well, Macho Man didn't steal it from anyone. Oh, he made it up. Oh yeah. He made it. Sorry.

Oh, the Kool-Aid guy. Everybody steals from Macho Man is what I meant to say. Right, right, right. That guy, his name is Bryce Linus. He's been putting up a cover song every week this year in alphabetical order on his YouTube channel. It's Bryce, B-R-Y-C-E, Linus, L-Y-N-A-S. Was that a cover song? Not that I know of.

It will be soon. People are going to be covering that. Oh yeah, so this will be the original source material for other covers. Yeah, TM, Bryce Linus. Love that. Tim Baltz in the house. Yo. First time guest on our show.

Yeah, crazy, right? What took us so long? And I still haven't seen the pilot I was in. That's right. We know Tim because he was in our true TV pilot. We have it. Passed. Yeah, we go through this every time I see it.

You want to watch it after this? You have it. No, I don't have time. We go through this every time I see it too. I can't stress how not interested I am in seeing it. Tim, yeah, we basically auditioned people for this specific role. And as soon as we saw Tim, we're like, that's the guy. Hired him, right on the spot.

Look at this dumpy, uptight nerd. Yeah, that was the part. But now you got your own shit going on, your show on CISO. Yeah, mostly CISO's Bad Boy these days. Oh yeah, hitter on bajillion dollar properties. Yeah, which we finished seasons three and four. Two seasons at once? Yeah, well, pretty much.

How many episodes are in a season of that? Eight. No shit. No, nine in the first two. And then we shot the first two over the course of two months at the end of 2015, beginning of 2016. And then they ordered two more seasons, which they didn't even tell their fans about until we were done filming season three and four. And they're like, by the way, season three. I don't even know if I'm supposed to say season four.

It's okay, you're CISO's Bad Boy. Yeah, that's right. They break all their rules. You're fired, man. They know it too. Sometimes they create bullshit rules just because they know I'm going to break them. Yeah, keep your image up. Classic Bad Boy.

CISO's Bad Boy is anybody else's good boy. That's true. That's how good they are. Oh, God, I'm willing to be anybody's good boy. Your persona screams good boy, though. It does. You're not rarely a bad boy, right? No.

Are you a bad little boy, Tim? I'm a bad little boy. Have you ever gotten in trouble? Yeah, I take spankings pretty well. I administer them well, too. Actually, I have a good story about my last spanking. Okay. The last spanking I ever got.

I mean, eight years went in between my second to last spanking and my last spanking. My second to last spanking was at age three. You outgrew this. Yeah, so then by 11, it shouldn't have happened. Yeah. It's almost erotic. Okay. Well, it was my dad who spanked me, so no.

It was erotic for neither of us. Maybe for you. I'm excited thinking about it. You like thinking about my dad spanking 11-year-old me? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So my mom is French. I don't know if you guys knew this.

Oui, oui, oui. You knew this? No. She's from the north of France. So when we were kids, I grew up an hour outside of Chicago, and my grandparents would help travel, fly us back, and we'd go stay in the north for like two weeks. And then we would probably spend about 10 days going to one other place in the country, like the northeast near Alsace or the middle of the country.

Oui, oui, oui. Oui, oui, oui. Oui, oui, oui. Oui, oui, oui. Jesus Christ. You gotta say oui. Oui, oui, oui. Oui, oui, oui.

What do you say? Oui, oui, oui, oui. So one year- Oh, oui. Oh, oui. That's great actually. That's great actually. Say oui, say oui.

Say oui. Oui, oui. Oh, oui. I wanna spank you now. Inerotic way. Yes, exactly. The erotic way. This guy's always looked at me that way, which, by the way, is part of the reason why my nickname for you is Daddy.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, that is funny. Oh, man. All right, so finish the spanking. So we're in the Alps. We're in this tiny town of like 200 people, and there are these parasailers that are coming down off the mountain, landing in this little mountain town in this big field. And this field's like two football fields long, right?

Huge. And we're walking down this gravel road, really huge. The only way it could be bigger is if it was three football fields long. Which has never happened. No, two and a half. Yeah, has that happened? This one's two football fields. This guy is landing like, he's landing like 100 yards away from me.

All right, I'm 11. I pick up a piece of gravel and I throw it in his general direction. His general direction, right? Trying to hit him or like you're just having fun seeing how far you can throw it. Yeah, but I'm 11, you know? Still now I can't throw anything 100 yards. Yeah, of course. Not even John Elway with a vortex football could do that.

Oh my god, John Elway. It hit the stance. Oh, never mind. It's just bread farf. Next. And my dad comes, so I come up like 75 yards short of hitting this parasailer, right? Of course. Embarrassingly short.

To the point where one would think from the outside, he wasn't even trying to hit this guy. He was just throwing a piece of gravel in the direction of this parasailer. My dad comes up behind me and spanks me on the butt. Oh, like Instant Spank. Not like I'm going to punish you later. No, like Instant Spank. And I think he was mad about other stuff. He was going through some shit with my mom.

He got to the bottom of you though. Quick Spank got to my bottom and I turn around and I look at him like, excuse me, sir. Like, how dare you? Yeah. And the whole time he like spent the next like half of the day mad at me. My mom and my sister went on this hike that I couldn't go on because I was grounded or something. And he sat there like fuming and I wasn't even mad. I just kind of stared at him like, why are you upset?

Yeah. If you could like question the rationale for this spanking, you're too old. That was the basis of your character, Shrink. It's like trying to get to the bottom of this guy, which happened to be your father. Yeah. Why are you mad? There's a ton of spanking in Shrink. Shrink is the show that's coming out March 16th on CISO.

Holy shit, that's soon. Yeah. All right. We'll talk about that in great, great depth later. But for now, we have to answer some questions. It's usually just me and Jake. Shrink, actually. Oh, yeah.

You play a psychologist, psychiatrist. I play one on a streaming platform. Yeah. So these are upset platform. Tim, as I'm sure you know, these are real emails from real people. Wow. People will email us. They're in sticky situations.

Is this Tim's first time on our show? Yes. Wow. I mean, I've listened to it. Of course. Wow, nice twins. We haven't even said the name of the show. This is if I were you.

And it's a device podcast. Sometimes it's just me and Jake. Sometimes we have a friend. Today, we have Tim Baltz in the house. Bortex. Get in the choppa. Stop shooting me. Anyway, these are real emails from real people.

Dylan, you son of a bitch. What's that? Another shorts and everything. Sorry. All right. So this is from a guy. We just got to give him a fake name if you got one. Sure.

Chad Buns. Chad Buns. Chad Buns writes, I'm a freshman in college and my girlfriend of one year now moved to Alabama to go to school there while I live in a different state. Our relationship has been going strong until recently. She would come back during holidays and we would spend a lot of time together. And I would visit her when I'd find the time to fly down there. However, a couple of weeks ago, she told me she has feelings for someone in Alabama.

I was already planning to fly down there for her birthday and when I visited, she cried the entire time talking about how conflicted she was and saying she didn't want to break up with me. For lunch on her birthday, she invited her new crush and the douchebag made fun of me the entire time. And all I want for my birthday is to have lunch with my crush and you. As he derides him the entire time, when we left, he texted her all night, comparing the situation to a cliche love triangle and trying to get her to leave me while I was

still there. I'm close with her family. I really like her and I didn't break up with her while I was there. Now I'm back home and I'm wondering if I should try to keep this relationship going until summer when she can come back or if I should preemptively end it so as to not let her break up with me. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Love Chad Buns. Wow. I hope his name's not really Chad Buns. Did you guess it? Did he guess it? Is it Chad Buns? It's close. It's Chard Boone.

Chard Boone. Swiss Chard Buns. I was in a situation similar to this in college, actually. Oh, really? I was in a distance relationship for two and a half years. Where were you? Where was she? I was in Chicago at my college, Loyola, and she was a little older.

She was in kindergarten at the time, which doesn't sound very hot. Now it matches up because she's legal. Now she's in college, actually. We had a long temporal distance, so the time of our lives was also a long distance. Anyway, you are under arrest. Where was she? She was in my hometown, which is an hour southwest. Joliette, Illinois.

Yes. Nice. She was two years younger than me. I made a Joliette joke at a Chicago show that went over really well. I don't know if I ever told you that. I kept making Joliette references and people loved it. Really? Does the town of, is it like a whipping boy?

Is it oft ridiculed? Yes. Okay. It's not Shelbyville by any means. Joliette has a lot of pride, and it is an all-American city, and it's a great place to come from. It's just outside the suburbs. The suburbs have basically grown to meet Joliette, and Joliette has grown too. Now it's about 140, 150,000 people, but when I was growing up it was like 80, 90,000 people.

It was an old steel mill town that bottomed out, and then spent like 15 years just really sadly waiting for Riverboat Casinos to show up. Up the stream. Yeah. Nothing today, guy looking for binoculars. I guess we'll have to keep playing dice. Yeah, it's a whipping boy. So for the first two years, no, for the first year, year and a half she was there.

Then she went to college in Southern Illinois, and that was like five hours away. The Salukis? Yes, Southern Illinois University. Nice poll, and she was there for a year, so we did that for a year, and then she transferred to a college in Chicago, and that was the last like six months that we were together. Do you recommend these long distance relationships? They're tough. I mean, if I were to just give a real quick answer to this guy, I would say if separation

is probably making it hard for both of you, it sounds like it's making it hard for her in the sense that she's falling for a douchebag. Yeah. Right? Yeah, which I, who would take this invitation and be like, yeah, I'll go to launch with you and your boyfriend as long as I get to make fun of the little, you little, you little hands old dick turd. I'm a fuck yo girlfriend.

Yeah, he's from Alabama too. You know he's from Alabama. Roll Tide. War Eagle. Motherfucker. Yeah, motherfucker. War Damn Eagles. Roll fucking Tide.

I mean, look, you got a couple options. One, you stick it out, she's probably going to break up with you. Two, you break up with her just to cut it off because you got bad feelings about this, but really, look, break it off, then she's going to go be with this douchebag. Yeah. And she's either a person who deserves a douchebag or she's going to be with the douchebag and realizes that she fucked up and come back to you. Yeah, but I don't even want this, I wouldn't even want her back.

I think what she's doing is pretty bad. Why would she, if she's not, it's weird to admit feelings for someone and be like, but I don't want to break up. So it's like, so don't tell me about the feelings. Well, no, I've heard of people admitting feelings because they feel guilty. It's so guilty that you say like, I have a crush on this person and, you know, and like, if you're an understanding guy or gal, you're like, that's cool. Like I, I like get those things too.

But like, as long as you recognize that that's like fleeting and meaningless and what we have is more important than we can like move on. But the fact that she's like, and I also want to invite him out with us, I want to see this through like, yeah. So then it sounds like you're not, it's not necessarily like a harmless crush. It's a harmful crush. Yeah. I would say any crush.

Don't tell me about it. If I'm in a relationship with someone, I won't tell you about my crushes. You don't tell me about your crushes. If they become debilitating crushes and crush us, then we'll deal with that. But for now, you don't have to tell me everyone that you have a crush on. Yeah. I'm with you on that. I would rather not know.

But I think there, there are people that operate in different fashion. You know, there's one thing we might be overlooking is that this is some kind of kinky dog whistle. This guy's not picking up. Oh. That they were trying to cook this guy. Invites her crush to lunch. He makes fun of him the whole time. And the guy's like, not into it.

So. I like a creepy dog whistle. Kinky dog whistle. Oh, kinky dog whistle. That's a punk rock band name. Kinky dog whistle. I don't think it's that. I think this girl's being disrespectful.

Yeah. It's funny that he's like, I want to break up with her before she breaks up with me. Like that's his only reason. He just doesn't want her to do it first. Yeah. It's the last upper hand he'll ever have. But like, she did pledge bad things. She gave him a lot of reasons to break up with her already.

Yeah. That aren't based on just like, you know, the humiliation of being dumped. Well, I mean. He's endured some humiliation already. He's young though. I mean, he's in college. Yeah. I mean, I know that I stayed in that relationship because this girl at the time was my type,

you know? And so it was, and I came from a hometown and she was, you know, she was, she was from my hometown really cool and outside the box. So that was great. It was very intoxicating to me. It was hard for me to see past our problems. When you're, when you're younger, your tolerance for like an, an ideal relationship is so insanely high.

It's crazy. Like I'll stick it out for three years and be miserable most of the time. Because it took me 19 years to get her. I can't wait another 19. Yeah. Yeah. And then when you get older, your tolerance just gets, I buy the, like it gets very, very short and thin.

Yeah. Too short. Yeah. My name is too short. They, man, right now, I mean, my girlfriend and I, I was like, you know what? I'm the thing I'm going to have oatmeal for breakfast today and mix it up because usually we have breakfast tacos. It's pretty elaborate and it's good.

It's a nice go-to every day. It starts the day off right. Absolutely. You have breakfast tacos every day. That's a goddamn treat. Probably five days a week. No shit. You're spoiling yourself, Tim.

I am. I am. And my fat little face is proof. And then you go to oatmeal. And I go to oatmeal just to kind of change it up, whatever. Yeah. And, you know, I mean, I jam, I jam it full of the good stuff. Yeah, of course.

Bananas, sugar, nuts. What have you? Cinnamon. Dates. Cinnamon. I cook the cinnamon in. Wow. Good stuff.

You do almond milk? I do coconut milk. Very good, man. Yeah. A little sweet, a little creamy. Ever made oatmeal tacos? Sick, dude. Sick, dude.

Anyway, my girlfriend was like, yeah, I don't really like oatmeal in the mornings. And I had this reaction like, dude, settle down. Don't read into this. Which is so dumb, but, you know, I'm getting older. So, it's so true. So when do you like oatmeal? I question everything. Or do you not just like me ever?

Meanwhile, this guy sat through an hour-long brunch with his girlfriend's crush berating and then like laid in bed as they're texting all night. That's grounds for dismissal. I think you should, if you love her, let her go. And then find someone that lives near you. I think we'll go regardless. Yeah. Yeah.

It's easy for us to say, and so he should do it. The end. All right. Let's, next question is from a guy. Do you have another dude's name? We need your help again. Me? A high schooler.

Ooh, a high schooler. All right. How about, like, Mike Mitchell? I like that. Classic. Yeah. Dude eats oatmeal every morning. Mike Mitchell's the name of the guy that bullied the kid in the last question.

He took Chad Buns to task. Wait, your boyfriend's name is Chad Buns? I gotta have brunch with you, too. Three oatmeal's and watch this. There was a fight the other day at my high school. Not so much a fight as one guy just pounding on another. And I just sat there and watched it happen. I've been upset with myself ever since.

What should I have done? Jump in and help or risk getting myself in trouble for beating up the first guy? What would you have done if you were me? So he's such a coward that he did nothing, but he also has the self-confidence to know if he jumped into the fight, he would kick the other guy's ass. Yeah, the first guy's ass, at the very least. Okay. Did you ever see a fight in Joliet High?

Yeah, dude. Hell yeah. It was raw. I went to public schools, there were four active gangs. Really? Yeah. Was it called Joliet High? There were two public schools, Joliet Central and Joliet West.

I went to Joliet Central, which was on the east side, which is less, you can't even say affluent. There's less money on the east side. And the school was about 2,500 people, and it was about a third white, a third black, a third Hispanic. Okay. And so there was always kind of tension. The weird thing was that it was kind of an anti-breakfast club high school. Joliet West was more like a traditional breakfast club high school.

It seemed like kind of class structure within the high school. Whereas Central, where I went, if you thought you were cool, there were so many people just looked at you and ridiculed you. You think you're cool? No one was allowed to. There was no popular kids, all nerds. No, no, not like that at all. Just like people that were, they didn't buy into the cool stuff like that.

It was just the dynamic of the town that specifically the dynamic of that high school was because of the breakdown, I think, demographically of the school. You weren't really, it was like, well, two-thirds of the school is probably going to look at you like, what? What's your thing? Nobody cares. So how were their fights? People tried to be cool.

Probably. I mean, you remember actually seeing a fist fight? Oh, yeah. I remember freshman year. So freshman year, I'm coming in at like five to 100 pounds soaking dry. And I remember it was a four-storey. It's this gorgeous old building. It looks like Stateville, which is actually just outside of Joliet.

It was built in 1904, I think. It's all marble. It's all like, it's a gorgeous old building. And I remember walking up the steps and looking out into, there was like a T street that stopped near one of the big main doors. And I remember looking out and I was just kind of like taking a pause adjusting my backpack and I saw this dude come out. One guy hands him a padlock.

The guy puts it in his hand. Jesus. And just decks this dude in the back of the head and the guy out cold immediately. Of course. And then like, my classroom happened to be one level up overlooking the same street. Holy shit. And like ambulance comes up, gets this guy. Good lord.

Yeah. But then my sophomore year, we had a principal come in with a zero tolerance policy and totally cleaned it up. Wow. The Rudy Giuliani of high school principals. Because he's a racist. Yeah. And he dresses in drag for life. Yeah.

Would you do, have you ever broken up a fight? I would never, especially in high school. Maybe now seeing high schoolers fight, I would perhaps have the courage, depending on the size of the high schoolers. But I'm not the kind of guy that's about to break up a fight. Yeah. I mean, if I'd been in high school, I don't think physically I would have been of service. You would have just been some sort of paper towel someone threw in the middle of this brawl. Well, by junior or senior year, I'd gotten into powerlifting because I was a varsity athlete.

So. That's true. Yeah. Powerlifting. Soccer. No shit. Powerlifting. What is like, you were, for soccer, you were like clean and jerking.

Powerlifting. Lifting. I hope people are googling my legs right now. I've never cleaned and jerked at anything. Clean and jerked. Were you serious about being a soccer player? Yeah. And you were doing weightlifting?

Any varsity athlete could get out of gym class, PE class, by going into powerlifting. Which is way easier. You didn't have to do anything, or you could just do whatever you wanted. We had a couple like, you know, psychosteroid heads that would just go nuts. And you'd watch like records get broken every week. Jesus. Yeah. It was fun.

I think I ate my lunch during that period. Oatmeal. God, Jack. Ice cold. Would you break up a fight? I was thinking during this question, this is like, I had an experience in New York where I was outside the subway and I was watching like two people get into a fight and like sort of a crowd was like forming around and I was like, I should, this shouldn't happen.

Like I should break this up. I was like, it felt like there was enough people that something was going to get broken up and then somebody sort of tried to break it up and somebody else that was watching was like, no, let them handle it. Wow. And then like, but I just felt so uncomfortable and I didn't do anything and I just left. And that like ate away at me for a week or two. And the next, like a couple of weeks later, I saw another fight on the street in the,

and some dude was like crossing, crossing the road and like punched the hood of a car and then the guy in the car got out. They started arguing and then they started fighting and the dude in the car like suplexed the guy on the ground and this time, cause I had like dwelled on it for a long time about how I was towered. I didn't say anything. I broke up that fight. How did you do it?

I just screamed as loud as I could. Hi. Hi. And they froze. Oh, so you broke it up with your words. Well, then I went over there and like the, I went over there and as I went over there, the guy that was on the ground got up and ran away and then I took my shirt off. The dude that was punching him was like, he attacked me.

You saw that, right? And then we called the police. Wow. Yeah. Wow. So at the very least you can scream. Yeah. That's what you should do.

Hey, hey, hey. They're rather than like getting in there and fucking pulling people apart. Yeah. I mean, I think you could probably assess the situation. Like if there, if somebody's just like pounding on somebody. Yeah. Maybe you should try to pull him off if he's like going to crack a skull or something. Yeah.

I don't know. It's so hard because I'm not strong. Like I feel like if the people are bigger than you, you shouldn't get in the way of the fight. I don't, I think that if it really, I'm not going at it. What am I supposed to do? I bet there's like people that are trained to break up fights, but to me anyway, it seemed like just like breaking the concentration and like taking the air out of it a little

bit. Yeah. Was enough for everybody to be like, holy shit. All right. Like I don't think any, it's, it seems rare that somebody's like, I'm going to punch this guy till he's dead. Yeah. But if like there's a, a fight happening, maybe I think you could probably.

What if you just scream police? I feel like that would scare people enough to stop. That's a good, I mean, introducing confusion and kind of, you know, diverting. The attention or diffusing the, the, the energy right there. It, it can help if you're not willing to jump in. I had a cousin, Jeff, who has gotten into a lot of, a lot of fights. Oh, no, Jeff's not his name. Uh, yeah, my cousin, Jorf, but he's great.

But he can bench like 350 pounds. He's an army reserves for six years. Like he's a rough and tumble guy and he told me once, cause he's like 15 years older than me, I'm one of the youngest. I have 20 cousins on my dad's side and I'm one of the youngest. Oh my God. And I loved, I loved playing sports with all my older cousins and they kind of treated me as this little like, you know, this little, I don't know, mascot almost where they're

like, well, protect the mascot. And, and he gave me advice. He's like, look, I would work out in his garage. And, uh, and he's, he said, you started talking, he's like, you know, you ever getting any fights? And I'm like, no, not really. I'm not really that kind of guy. Well, here's some advice for you.

Um, never fight a dude bigger than you. Odds are you're going to lose. That, that goes for me. And he's like six, three, you know, two 75 or whatever. And, uh, and he's like, and then if you do have to get into fight with someone that's bigger than you or, or, uh, or, you know, someone that you think is going to kick your ass, if you can, and this is a dude who has a ton of like, I guess, integrity for fighting. There should be no honor among thieves, right?

Which is like, if you're already down to a fight, then you could like claw and stab and bite and whatever. This, this was his point. He's like, kick someone in the nuts with the, with the toe of your foot. It will destroy them and it will at least take the air out of them for long enough for you to get the hell out of there. The toe of your foot. And then the last thing was he was like, never fight a wrestler ever.

Never fight a wrestler. Because they know how to beat you up. Because they can get you on the ground and just like annihilate you. I would, if I was fighting somebody, I'd be so scared to kick them in the nuts because it feels like there would be a, like there's a chance you miss, right? Yeah. You catch their thigh. Are they like blocking it somehow?

And then like you, and then that's, they are an enraged pull. Especially if they catch your foot and they're like, what are you doing? You're going to kick my fucking butt. They can break your leg. The inverse of the advice he gave you is kick smaller people in the balls. That's what he told you to do. Wow. And all this time I've been, I've been inverting it.

But yeah, that is what he said. Find a smaller person and kick them in the balls. I said, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Fucking Jeff was the man, man. Uh, all right. That's what we would have done in that situation. Uh, let's take a break. Think a few more peeps.

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And when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial. Everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you. Squarespace. All right, we're back with Tim, but actually first real quick, we got to shout out the citizenry raffle winner.

Oh, shoot. Who won? Yes, the winner of the citizenry Palermo triple Lena chair. Please be me is none other than it's not you. Okay. Yep. It is actually an alias I made to win the contest. Yes.

If your alias was Christine Harrison. It wasn't. Sorry. That's a real other human and that's a gut punch. Yeah. But I guess I'm happy for her. A gut punch. That is a gut.

That is an ass slap. So she won the citizenry raffle. She won the citizenry raffle, but don't fear because there's still some citizenry goodness. You guys can check out their stuff, which as we said is handmade local artisans, just some real tasteful, tasteful shit to upgrade your places. And you can go buy anything you want there and use the coupon code if I were you at checkout for free premium shipping. That's not bad. That's what's up. I ain't mad.

I am mad. So what's the URL? The URL is thecitizenry.com, the-citizenry.com, and the coupon code is if I were you. Upgrade your home decor game, everybody. And thanks to Christine for winning our first chair raffle. Go get that chair, baby. Tim, shrink, March 16th. Yes, on CISO, which is available on Apple TV.

You can get it through Amazon. I think Google Chromecast or whatever. We ran ads for CISO, so I believe if you don't have CISO, there's a great chance you can use promo code if I were you to get two free months of CISO. That would be great. To watch this show. All eight episodes of shrink, land at the same time, March 16th. And they're full episodes, 22 minutes. 25 or 30 minutes, actually.

Damn. Yeah, yeah. So what's the plan? To make more? Hopefully. I mean, it'd be great to have another season. You know, obviously, like, it hasn't even come out yet, so we gotta wait and see. But CISO was very happy.

We were very happy with what happened. We filmed it in Chicago in September and October. Used a lot of great people from Chicago. Chicago people that live here. LA people that we know and love. Mary Holland is in it. Yeah. Oh, man, she's so funny.

Yeah, she's great. Some great people. John Lutz, Tammy Sager, Greg Holliman from Stranger the Candy, TJ and Dave, the legendary improv duo. They play different parts in it. Joel Murray plays my stepdad. Megan Fay, who is in Transparent, who's actually from my hometown of Joliet, Illinois. Wow. Yeah.

Double Joliet reference. Yeah, and I'd never met her before. Wow. She plays my mom. Some great, great people are in it. And you play a shrink, analyzing people. I play a shrink. The quick byline is basically, my character graduates from medical school, does not get

accepted into a teaching hospital, a university hospital, which is what doctors have to do. Of course. So he's over half a million dollars in debt. He's about to lose his medical license. And in the state of Illinois, you can become a clinical therapist if you register 1,920 supervised hours of clinical therapy. Is that true? Yes.

Okay. So he basically defaults to doing that. He starts doing, and you can't charge them, and you have to get it supervised. Okay. So he starts doing free therapy in his parents' garage because he's been forced to move back home, and then he seeks out a supervising therapist to sign off on his hours. So the thrust... They have to sit in the room?

No, they... But he records everything. I see. So they listen so that the thrust of the season of the eight episodes is him getting a supervising therapist to sign off on this, slowly getting better, being pretty bad at it at times, and navigating kind of his post-medical school life with the fact that he's this much in debt, he has to get a part-time job, he has to log eight hours of this stuff a day without charging anymore.

It's like a full-time job without getting paid. Yeah. Yeah. Awesome. I'm in. It's great, and it uses a ton of improv with some great improvisers, and... Oh, Joey Romain, who was in... Oh, man.

Yeah. He's a force of nature. Yeah. He's in a bunch of episodes. He's so funny. That's great. I love Joey. I do.

Sweet. We can check it out. On March 16th, you said? It's March 16th. Hell, yeah. Actually, we're going to be in Australia when that comes out. Really? Have you ever been to Australia?

I never have. We're doing shows in Melbourne and Sydney on March 16th and 18th, live versions of this podcast. Oh, my God. Yeah. And then we're in South by Southwest, or we're in Austin the weekend before. We have a whole head-gum live show on Saturday, March 11th. So you go to Austin to Australia.

That's right. Yeah. That's the name of our next dude, Austin Australia. Alphabetical order, baby. Australia's next. Australia's got to be next. That's great. Australia loves you, right?

For whatever reason, we have a lot of fans in Australia. They're listening right now. They have to be. They better be. They damn well better be. And we'll see you guys there. Tickets are still available at jaconamere.com. Are you going to South by this year?

I'm not. Awesome. Yeah. We'll see you there. That's Austin, dude. No, no, no, no. I have to do Prestra stuff for shrink. I'm going back to Chicago to do some stuff.

Oh, cool. That's fun. All right. Do you want to answer some more cues? Yeah. So this is a female's name, our first female name that we need from you. Oh, all right. How about Jessica Adams?

Even your female names have a male name in them. Are these supposed to be, I'm not supposed to be like, you know, it could people be like Jessica Lantern. Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's really funny. Let's do that. Okay, Jessica Lantern. Pretend I ask you for the first time.

All right, all right. Can we get a name for this female? Jessica Adams. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Jessica Adams, oh, shit, writes, I have this gal pal, we'll call her cheese. See, she's good. Yeah.

Nice. She recently decided she's ready for her first tattoo. She wants a branch with little break-off branches that represent important things in her life, her husband, her two dogs, et cetera. The thing is, she said she wants one of the branch off branches that represents me. Overall cool tattoo? Sure. Sweet.

Of course. Good idea. Apps of fucking Lutely not. I can't handle the commitment of having a lifelong friend. I definitely can't handle the commitment of being represented on somebody else's body for the rest of their life. Don't get me wrong, I love tattoos. I have a few shitty ones on my own body, but they don't represent shit and it's my body.

What if we break up and she just has this reminder of me on her body for the rest of her life? Do I just assume she won't relate the obscure branch to me if we break up? Do I seize the cheese, shake her, and tell her it's a bad idea coming off as a shitty person because I'm assuming our friendship won't last? Do I get a matching tattoo to make it seem like I have faith in the friendship? How do I snake and weasel myself out of this like a cow would, uh, deepish pull from a Jake and Amir episode?

Help me, Jake and Amir, uh, you're my only hope, but I'd like your input, extra info. We've known each other for two and a half years. She's 28, I'm 23, she's married, I'm single, I'm a Gemini, we're both right-handed females. She's sitting- Is the other girl a Virgo? You know what? It doesn't say, but probably. She's either a Virgo or a Sagittarius.

Absolutely. This girl that wrote in is a Leo. Forever and for always, uh, Jessica Adams, oh shit, uh, what a whirlwind. What a whirlwind. Wow. Uh, quick thoughts, impressions? I mean, my first thought initially was let cheese do what she's got to do, whatever. But then, one of them's 28 and Mary and the other's 23?

Yeah. That was the one that threw me where I thought, okay, you're still, you are still in a phase of your life where you're kind of creating lifelong friendships, but you're not committing to them. You're in a weird like post high school or college phase where, you know, your friends are in flux kind of. You still have your good friends from home and maybe some college friends, but it sounds like this girl is, they're neither?

Yeah. This girl is, I guess, a BFF for now. Right. 21 to 23. 28 to 23. No, I'm saying she, they've been friends for two years, so this came out when she was 21. Right.

Right. But did she, did she stand up at her wedding? You know, it doesn't say. Cause if she didn't. But we do know what hand is their dominant hand. Right. They're both right-handed. Right.

Yeah. Does that do anything? Thoughts? How does that affect this? I was going to say something, but now I just realized one of them's not left-handed. So scratch that. Who cares, I think, if somebody got a tattoo of, not only of, not of me, but of something that represented me.

And not even of something that really represents you. It's only a branch on a greater tattoo. Yeah. It's part of her tattoo. She says, we'll represent you. Whether it does or not, doesn't matter. It almost sounds like it's something that she said to like, play game you. Oh yeah.

One of the branches is a. You. Dog, my husband, and you. Yeah. Girl. I got to put a stop to this. And then this girl has shitty tattoos herself. And this other tattoo doesn't even seem shitty.

So I don't know where moral ground she's standing on. It's funny that she's like, I have shitty tattoos, but they're on my body. That's worse. This one will be on her body. I think the worst bit of advice I've ever heard is, should I get a matching tattoo? Yeah. Obviously that would dig a deeper hole for you to climb out of. That's certainly the wrong answer.

I wouldn't do that. Just let it happen. Look, tattoos are always, you know, they represent a time in your life. And so they evolve as you get older. So if that branch becomes less meaningful later, cool. That's life. If it gets more meaningful or it stays the same, that's life too. Whatever.

Yeah. My butterfly tattoo is case in point. It's not quite as. It's not quite a case and it doesn't have a point. But you know what? It's fine. And I'm not mad at anybody aside from myself for getting it. Did you have one?

Oh, there it is. Yeah. Oh, nice. You know, for anybody listening, I'm spreading my ass all the time. Nice. It's a beautiful colored in butterfly. And I see how the butterfly's big open mouth is your butthole. Yeah.

And it, oh, here comes the caterpillar. It's hungry. Oh, good Lord. Oh, no, the caterpillar's coming out. Oh, Lord. A lot of little larvae. Yeah. And they are just squirming around.

That's enough. That's enough. I didn't mean to open this Pandora's box. Oh, and it is a Pandora's box. And it is open. Tim, you don't have any tattoos. I mean, look at you, man. You're a clean cut and just right.

Damn right. Would you ever get a tat? Probably not. I mean, I mean, I would, you know. I thought you had a chest piece. Chosen one? Chosen one. Yeah.

I got Delante West's face on my back. That's amazing. Fucking Lebron's mom on my chest. On my back. So he's fucking the mom on your chest. It's a tattoo on your back. It's a tattoo of your chest on your back. I wouldn't rule it out.

I haven't had anything propel me to do it, probably because I've, you know, for most of my life I felt like, nah, I wouldn't want to. I wouldn't want to. I wouldn't do it. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I like the idea of a clean body. Yeah.

I have to do a shower, man. In the mornings. I get that oatmeal. I get that shower. I am feeling good for the day. I wouldn't rule it out, but it would have to be pretty significant. Yeah. You know, have you ruled out getting a tattoo?

I mean, I haven't made a rule because I don't even think about it ever. So I would say probably not a tattoo. I would say 95 percent. No, higher. 95 percent. Well, yeah. Like what's the scenario? Can you even invent one in your head where you would get a tattoo?

Drunken, packed between many friends on the best day of our lives after we've agreed to do something insane if something even better happened. I see. I understand. Okay. Oh, we can make that happen. I mean, I'm trying. I'll leave you in Vegas.

I'll leave you in Vegas. The wheels are turned. I want to get you a tattoo. It's like, if we're in Vegas and my buddy puts $100,000 on a roulette spin and it hits, we all promise to get a little dollar sign on our ass that no one will ever see. All right, fine. Let's go for it. I want you to be that ass.

I want your ass on my ass. Before we left, I wanted to explain the daddy joke just because it was so funny. Do you remember the origin of the daddy joke? Oh, I do. You do? Oh, thank God. All right. So we're eating lunch while shooting, right?

Yeah. We're eating the pilot. For whatever reason, I made some kind of joke to the PAs or something because they were calling. Everybody's on walkie-talkies and stuff, and so I was like, my nickname on set is going to be daddy. So I'd be like, all right. Daddy's flying in.

Daddy's coming through. Yeah. I would be like, where's Jake's makeup or whatever? No, daddy's in wardrobe. Daddy's coming in. When you're in the bathroom, they say the code for the bathroom is 10-1. It's like, daddy's 10-1. Anyway, it didn't stick with anybody except for Tim.

But you would say it at the least opportune, least cool time. Yes. It was like I remember eating lunch. It was never like, oh, way to go, daddy. You nailed that take. I remember lunch as the first one. One day at lunch, I didn't like the lunch or something, and I was like, why do we get it from here or whatever, and nobody's really responding, and then Tim is like, I find the

meat to be a little dry too, daddy. I don't remember that at all. I'm sorry about your failed lunch plans, daddy. It was always something like that. It's something just so lame and sad. I do remember that. What's great is that if I don't see it for three or four months and I see you, and that's the first thing out of my mouth, and it feels like you've forgotten about it, then I definitely

haven't. Oh, no. I forgot about the origin, but God, no. It does crack. Hi, daddy. Hi, daddy. Oh, hello, daddy. Do you mind if I get a soda from the fridge, daddy?

Do you remember when Rick Fox cheated and beer pong against us, daddy? As I fucking do. Did he really cheat? Yeah, he did. He did. Against me and you? Or against you and somebody else? No, who was it?

It was me and somebody. I mean, we were all playing in and out. I don't know. It wasn't George Basil, was it? No. No, it was somebody. How did he cheat? So I bounced one in on him and it should have been two cups.

It was two cups. I bounced one in and he was like, he was like, oh, it's never going to happen again. I was distracted and then someone pretended to throw one. I threw one and it would have landed and ended the game in the first cup and he swatted it away thinking that it was a bounce or something like that. He was like, oh, no, no, I thought it was a bounce and I'm like, that was going in. He's like, well, we can't prove it. I mean, I've rarely ever been this sure of a ping pong ball going through.

You're about to duck Christie punch him in the chin. What, did he go on to win? Yes, of course. Fox never loses. You know that. That's a tough pill to swallow, man. Sometimes you got to swallow that pill, daddy. He's back.

All right, any last things to plug before we head out? No, check out Shrink. March 16th on CISO, but then it also comes out, the pilot comes out March 9th on Amazon. How cool. You go to CISO TV and they'll have clips in the next couple of weeks. Sweet. Anybody, I think the CISO ads that we ran were like maybe within the last two months. Everybody signed up, maybe they might even still have it when Shrink comes out.

If you haven't yet, I think there's a great chance it's still available. The promo code that is if I reuse show, which is when you're checking out and it gives you two free months. Cool. Thanks for coming by finally. I know, man. Gracias. Thank you guys.

Thanks to all those e-mailers. Yeah, it's like it's been so long and here we are again. If you have your own questions or your own theme song submissions, that email address for everything is if I reuse show at gmail.com. The opening theme song was written by, do you guys remember his name? Bryce. Bryce Linus. Yeah, nice.

Whoa, really? Yeah. And then the Lord, I was never going to get it. The closing one is by somebody named Jeff or Jeffrey and he's got a jazzy little ditty for us. Jeff or Jeffrey. Let me put it on my computer. Oh, that was like a guy's, oh no, it was another dude's name.

Josh, no Joshua. Yeah, this is a different guy. Jeff, no Jeffrey. No, that's not his actual name. I'll get it. You're right. I should give him that. Okay.

The stage name is the last true American hero and his name is Joseph Jevitz from Portland. Do you know him? I've played one of his songs before. Oh, really? Awesome. This one was great, but a little too long, so I decided to end the episode with it. So thanks, Joseph. Thanks, Bryce.

Thanks, Tim. Yeah. Hey, thanks, Amir. Thanks, Daddy. We'll be back next week. Later, guys. If I were you for Jake and Amir. If I were you, I would be wearing those shoes.

I'd marry Susie Lou because she's not like those other girls you're into. If I were you, I'd drive your Lamborghini real fast. Pick up Tracy Chapman and we'd have a blast and we'd never, ever buy her. If I were you, I'd save my money. And I'd spend it on cocaine and hookers like you're prone to do. And if I were you, I'd call my mom and tell her I love you. Call my dad and tell him thank you for paying for my extravagant lifestyle even though I'm 22.

And if I were you, I'd buy my friend Joe some sweet cakes. And maybe tickets to go see the next. If I were you for Jake and Amir.