If I Were You - 27: Show and Guess

Episode Date: May 6, 2024

In this episode Jake has to name that photo, Amir has to name that Jake & Amir script, and then Jake takes a pop quiz.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Jake and Amir are two Jews that you can't forget In 2010 they were big on the internet And all things considered, their success is more than fair Now here's one more effort for only positive motivations, they swear! Seconds Another podcast Seconds Each app different from the last Seconds It's the Swiss army knife of shows Now let's meet your two emphatic hosts

Seconds Woo! Last episode ever. Last episode ever. Last episode ever. Last episode ever. Last episode ever. Amazing. What a run.

What a wild ass. Our last podcast was what? 800, 900 something. Yeah. This one is like 30 or something. That's. Yeah, like 32 or some random shit like that. Epic in its own right,

cause it's kind of concise. It's, we went out on a high note, which is good. Can't follow it up with anything because we did all the ideas we could have in this podcast. Right, exactly. We burned every podcast idea. There's not. We did it in 10 minutes spurts.

We really punished ourselves with this. The bottom of the barrel instantly. Yes, we were spitting out splinters, folks. Yes, yeah. The end. We were licking the bottom of a wooden keg. The Fat Lady has sung, and it was that theme song. That was the last time you'll hear it.

But for now, this is Segments, the only podcast on the internet hosted by me and Jake. Yeah, that's right. We're coming up with segment ideas, an ever changing Swiss army knife of shows, as the theme song says. Exactly right. For now, we're not entirely out of ideas,

but we're getting close and that's why it's very useful to ask our audience, our fans for suggestions. We're gonna use a few of them today, but I had one last idea I thought we should do. Let's hear it. Okay, so you know show and tell, right? Yeah. Well, this is show and estimate.

You're gonna see photos of yourself cropped really close and you're gonna have to show them and sort of estimate where you were and when. Where in my life and why? These are photos from my phone. And we have known each other for a long time and you have really good storage on your phone so these go back what, 10 years?

Yeah, 2015. Wow, all right, yeah, not bad. So you're gonna have to say, oh, this is from this and I have the exact date you can try to have to say, oh, this is from this. And I have the exact date. You can try to guess and let's see how close you can get. You want me to say the actual date, not just describe the situation, the date. God, you had to make it math. I want to just kind of like evoke a feeling, a vibe of memory, but

you're going to make me say, yeah, got it. Okay. Thank you. that's enough. Ah, I fucking cut myself. That guy split my lip during that fart. No, you can do the feeling thing and then also the date. Okay, great, I'll do it all. Okay, and I wanted to say,

I know this is a visual sort of segment. Some of them are more visual, some of them are more auditory. So for those of you watching on YouTube, enjoy. For those of you listening, I'll do my best to describe these photos so it's still enjoyable for you. Yeah.

All right, I'm sharing my screen. I really think that fart gave me tuberculosis. You're out of breath, you're gassed, you're winded rightculosis. You're out of breath. You're gassed. You're winded right now. You're depleted. I'm scared. You're on empty.

I'm scared. Okay. Show and guess. Jake, can you see this? Sorry, having a little bit of a screen share dilemma. Can you see this? Having a crane fart. Yes, I can.

Yes, I can. Okay. This is a photo of Jake, well-shaving, new haircut, sitting on a couch. Yes, okay. He's smiling and the thumb is up. Glad to be there. Yes, I believe I can.

Where and when. Okay, this is your house. This is your house. Yep. And this is when we got a bunch of free furniture from Article in exchange for two video podcasts shot in our homes. That's why we have the headgum Mike flags at your house.

We up the production value. We made it look nice. We made it look pretty. This is probably one of our earlier video podcasts. And I believe I had just moved to our house. It was, let's call it December of 2016. The election had just happened. Ooh, okay. Well, you nailed it.

But that joy. It is in my house. We are about to shoot branded content. Uh, you forgot one fun element. Can you see this picture? Jeffrey shot it. No shit. I do. I would have remembered that for sure. Pan out to reveal Jeffrey's shooting this episode. My living room looks very pristine.

No, nobody basically lives here yet. There's no art on the wall or anything like that. And we recorded it March 7th, 2017. That is all brand new furniture from Articl. And you still have those chairs. I think you have a new couch, but you have those chairs, right? I have the chair on the right. I don't have that leather. Oh no, I do have a leather chair.

We use it to just like put clothes on in our bedroom, but yeah, I replaced the couch. With another free couch. Yeah, it's hard to keep couches like. When I sit on a new couch, it feels firm and new. I'm like after like three, four years, especially a full pandemic, I feel like

that couch doesn't feel as good anymore. Yeah. No, I mean, not after the pandemic, but what are you supposed to do by a new couch? Like every three years, they're like expensive. Yeah, they really are the same with mattresses. Yeah. Okay. Next picture. Same with mattresses. Yeah. Uh, okay. Next picture. Okay.

Jake's smiling, squinting, even though he has sunglasses, but the sunglasses are draped around his neck. Uh huh. Uh huh. We're traveling somewhere, but can you remember when and where we were during this? See? All right. It's, it's quite European.

I'm want to say my hair length and beard length and age. The crow's feet are deep here. So that's not that's not 2015. That's not 2016. I'm going to guess this is May of 2018. And I think we're in Portugal. I think we're visiting. This is after my bachelor party,

but during a run of shows where we did shows in London. Yeah, we did shows in London and Dublin and in between we had some time off. Am I right? Yes, you're correct. Why should we be on a rooftop in Portugal? You said May of 2018, it's June of 2018. Okay, okay.

Pretty damn close though. Yeah. It was a nice day. Gorgeous day. We had a great time. Yeah. It made me think, hey, I could live in Portugal. The weather's pretty much Californian.

Yeah, and that's what Madonna was doing. Do you remember outside of Ed's apartment, Madonna had just like. Bought something that looked like a hotel. It was like, no, I pretty positive. I remember Madonna moving to Portugal around the same time we were visiting. Good on her. Yeah, definitely.

Do you think you look much old? This is almost six years ago. You pretty much looked this way. Don't you? Wouldn't you say. Yeah, I guess I don't think that I look particularly young there. So I guess I age much between 34 and 38 or whatever. It makes sense. I was I was 32 here and I'm 38 now. So I guess I felt I felt

like I aged a lot at 32. So that was kind of like my max old and I'll look old old again at 40. I can't wait. Okay. What do you know about this one? This is Jake again, sunglasses around his sweater, even though it's bright out and he's taking a selfie. Who knows what or where?

He's taking a selfie. I know this haircut, I can, see the good thing about me is that I'm always varying my hair and facial hair so drastically that I can tell these eras. That is a tight fade with the fluff at the top. That is a tight fade with the fluff at the top. That is a faux hawk. I am feeding a kangaroo a little biscuit.

This is our first trip in Australia. I remember this sweatshirt well. It was kind of goaded. I've never been able to find a sweatshirt even remotely similar. The Heather Gray raglan with a nice, nice tight crew neck. It was from Obey. Every once in a while I look for a similar one.

And I have the Ray Vans, the same sunglasses from Portugal. This was, we were, we went to Australia, I think it was, it was July of 20, July of 2015. Very close again. It is indeed in Whiteman Park, Australia, June of 2015. Okay, all right, here we go. We've only been one month off in the last decade or so. I feel like if you played this game with me, I would be like, I don't know, 2012 or something.

I can't really tell. It's because you always kind of look the same. Yeah, and I don't have like such a good memory for haircuts and clothes and stuff like that. Yeah, I form a deep relationship with all my clothes. Do you remember feeding this kangaroo with Streeter? Yeah, I remember being a little, like just a little bit sad,

like what the kangaroos lives were. Like I'm sure they're happy because they just kind of get fed all day, but I was hoping to see more of a kangaroo bouncing around in the wild and they're all just kind of like sleeping and shitting in the sun. Yeah, like senior dogs. Yeah, they seem incredibly low energy,

but we had a good time. That was fun to see a kangaroo. Low energy gems. Speaking of low energy, how about this low energy guy? Ooh, this is a little less like classic. Like there's not a lot of context here. It's getting a little, this is just, this is Jake looking either tired or maybe hung over or maybe drunk backwards at jacket on his phone.

Yeah. Sitting on a bench shirt jacket. We're outside. It looks like an unfamiliar place. I think the hat and the hair length, I kind of remember bringing this hat. This is my vintage style Yankees snapback. And I feel like I brought it to South by Southwest in 20,

Like I brought it to South by Southwest in 2019, March of 2019. So you think Texas, March of 2019. It's, I mean, I kind of don't, but that's going to be that's that's the best I can do. All right. You're finally way off. This was taken in Detroit of October 2016. All right. Yeah, I was definitely hungover. Now that you see the white shot. Oh, yeah. Do you remember being in this place where we were eating some sort of really really really low-end fast food? corned beef on rye fries and a soda for 1130 I

Clearly don't this was taken at 252 a.m. I'm absolutely trashed. I'm off my ass. I am So drunk we're just getting trying to get greasy sandwiches to soak up the alcohol so I can survive, which I didn't. Do you remember this night now? No, I don't remember a second of it. I used to get so drunk on stage during our shows and then keep drinking after. I could barely remember the podcast that we recorded in front of hundreds of people, let alone going out afterwards. Yeah, no record. What was the last time you were this drunk, do you think? It would have been, I mean, probably relatively recently.

Like, oh, New Year's 2022. Oh wow, that's pretty long ago. I guess kind of, yeah. Yeah I went to Australia is around when I stopped drinking. Which was- Because you didn't want to feel like this or the next morning of this. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I was like, I was feeling myself so much

when I was in Australia, which I believe was 2020. Yeah, it was 2022. Wait, no, it was 2023. So it was New Year's 2023. That 2022. Wait, no, it was 2023. So it was New Year's 2023. That was, it was a year ago. A little more recent. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Cause that, yeah, Joe was pregnant. I remember we did the show and it was so cold outside and John George was there with his buddies. Remember that? Our production helper, John George, who was a headgum intern. Maybe this was who's was a head gum intern. Maybe this was before he was a head gum intern. He had like a couple of friends.

They're like, yeah, if you guys want to like hop in our car, we're going to go get this specific Detroit ish fast food at 2 42 AM or like, yeah, definitely. John George, who we met on a dance floor in Toronto. Is that true? I thought we met him here. Yeah. No, we met him in Toronto. Um, yeah. Him and like three or four other dudes that we're partied with.

And then, then he started interning or then we, then we met him again in Detroit. Then we started interning. Okay. So this was us in Detroit in 2016. Not a highlight of our life. Here's something completely different. Jake backwards hat looking really wistfully at me. Long hair and long beard.

Yeah. The sun is shining, the grass is green, and guess what's for lunch? That guy just over my head in the sunglasses. That's right. This is obviously recent because not only am I wearing my Ferrari hat, I'm also, the longest my hair has been,

maybe since college, not the longest my beard has been, but kind of the longest they've been together. This is COVID, this is just post COVID, this is my first trip back to Los Angeles. So let's guess October, 2021. That is correct. You nailed it.

Yes. LA Los Feliz, we're at Stamp. It's October 29th, 2021. Oh, I definitely remembered we were at Stamp. It's October 29th, 2021. Oh, I definitely remembered we were at Stamp. Did I say that? I hope I did. I don't think I did, but yeah, I remembered that too. Stamp Proper Foods.

A smoothie bowl of sorts. How about this one? It's you, kind of blurry, at a night event, outdoors, in a jacket, with a hat. No, no hat. I'm not wearing a hat, no hat, yeah. This one's actually easy because I can instantly recognize that I'm not wearing my own jacket.

This is a jacket that I borrowed from you. This is Riley Antzbaugh's party in Malibu. And yeah, I was wearing this because I was trying to look cool. It was, the invitation said the dress code was like Malibu chic. Yeah. Like the dress code was just Malibu chic.

So it's like, there's no like cocktail. It's just like dress cool. I think I was wearing a collared shirt and then I got to your house and I was like, no, it'd be cooler to wear a jacket with a white tee. And I did always like this jacket of yours. Do you still have it? I might.

I don't know if I do, but. I'll buy it off you. I would buy it off you. Yeah. Yeah, I would definitely buy it. It was Penguin or something. Yeah, you don't wear it ever. So I shouldn't even have to buy it off you. You should give it to me. Well, you did tell me to buy it off you. The bomber, yeah. Yeah, I would definitely buy it. It was Penguin or something. Yeah, you don't wear it ever, so I shouldn't even have to buy it off you.

You should give it to me. Well, you did say I'll buy it off me about three times. I'll buy it off you. Now I feel like I have all the leverage. Not for a lot of money. You don't wear it. I know you don't wear it. So I hadn't left LA, but I was married here

because it looks like that's a wedding ring. Let's go ahead and say it's one of my last weekends in LA, November 2019. Close-ish. This was a picture of me, you and Michael Chiklis, September of 2018. Oh, right. I forgot that was when I was married. I knew that it was 2018. Oh, right. I forgot that I was, that was when I was married. I knew that it was 2018. I just, I said the date wrong,

but in my mind, this was the right, yeah. Totally, because I did leave LA in 2018. I said it was just before I left LA. Whatever. I was otherwise right about the event. So you remember seeing Michael Chiklis there. By the way, I'm in a short suit. Remember the summer of short suits?

Yeah. I think you were the only guy wearing them. It's looking a little sillier and sillier every month. Yeah, for sure. But yeah, I do remember this because we were at this party with a lot of fancy people and Michael Chiklis just came over and like stared. I think Riley put him up to it maybe.

He just came over and he gave you like the Vic Mackie from the shield stare, like took off the sunglasses, like stared at your eyes, like you didn't know if he was actually mad at you. We had been doing a bit about going dickless for him for a long time. Yeah and he like took off his sunglasses like what is this shit you've been saying about going dickless for me? I leaned into hoping to god he was kidding and be like sir you have to assume that was a joke like Jake wrote everything it wasn't me I like pointed to you. Fortunately

he was laughing about it really nice guy guy. Loved the entire thing. Didn't have to, but did. And then we even took a picture covering our dicks, which I think was his idea. That's great. Yeah, we went dickless for him. We actually finally did it. Highlight of the fucking night slash year,

which was 2018, not 2019. Okay, last one, ready? Yep. Instant, not 2019. Okay, last one, ready? Yeah, not bad. Yep. Instant, instant knowledge. We know exactly what this is. You and a tie, longer hair, joyous, joyous with arms around you. Yes, this is your wedding. This is October of this year, October,

or actually last year, October, 2023. That's correct. October 12th, 13th, 14th, which what's the date? 10 15 AKA pen 15. Very good. Very good. There's the wide shot. We got it on November 27th, which is what it says, but yeah, October 15th,

20, 23, I'll release all of these pictures on our Patreon for a fee, but you can see it was a nice horror based dance. Everyone's having a joyous time, kind of sweaty, kind of loving life. A great time. That was joy. That was pure joy. Look at all of us dancing. Oh, I have one more. Oh, oh, how about this guy? This is a picture of a picture. It's you on a screen in some sort of It's a picture of a picture. It's you on a screen in some sort of video camera, screen graph. Like something that's like.

This one's also, this one is also easy. This one is August, 2015. This is our pilot. I clearly remember it because I did not own that shirt. If I'm ever wearing a shirt that's not mine, I'll tell you about it. That's not my shirt. You do have shirts that look like that.

It's a blue and pink, black shirt. Yeah, that's why they cast, that's why they, you know, they dressed me in it for the pilot, but that is not my shirt. No, not your shirt. October 2015, how do you remember that so specifically? No, August, August 2015.

I remember because- Because it's correct. Here's the wide shot. August 7th, yeah. I remember because- Because it's correct. Here's the wide shot. August 7th, yeah. I remember because I had my 30th birthday on set and everybody gave me a cake. And the episode was about my half birthday. The pilot was about my half birthday.

And we had a party. Do you remember this amazing party we had? It was the, it was the Hedgum launch party, my birthday party, and the pilot wrap party all at once. And it was kind of a housewarming party because it was the first party that we had at the Casita. The Airbnb that we were renting. Yeah.

Kind of when we peaked in life. Yeah, that was definitely, that was the peak. That was nine years ago. You and I played beer pong. We played beer pong against Rick Fox that night. Yeah. And his son. And they kicked our ass.

That was awesome. It was an honor to lose to Rick. The only way it could have been. All right. It's fun. Walk through memory lane. I almost nailed all of them except for Detroit. Yeah.

The Detroit one was random. Everything else sort of had like a fun story or like location associated with it. The Detroit one, I threw a curve ball at you just to see like, how well do you actually know these photos? Yeah, I cannot. I hope people like this because I want to play with you pretty bad. Yeah. Let us know if we should do the reverse.

Pictures of me, me guessing wildly inaccurately about where and when I was. Exactly. All right, let's take a break. Bye. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Indeed, indeed.

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Boneheader. It's like- Interesting, that's pretty good. Yeah, yeah. It's like if you're a boneheaded person, but you're doing a boneheader move, you know what I mean? What about fitnessnah.com?

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Anti-movement seems like it should be. I will have to check it out later. Actually, let me look right now. Anti-movement.com is not available. Don't buy that one. Yeah, okay. Yeah, I wouldn't. But it's more about fitnessnah.com. Yeah, it's more about fitnessnah thing.

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Again, that's rocketmoney.com slash segments. Segments. Take control of your finances today. Thank you, Rocket Money. All right, we're back. Yes, we are. Present day, April of 2024. But we are gonna dive back into the past.

Okay, good, yeah. That's where we like to live anyway. Yeah, we're gonna reminisce. This is a segment. Actually, this was a suggestion. Let me pull up who it was from because it was very, very good. A suggestion so good we actually took it. Yeah, this is from Kenny Man. Take an old Jake and Amir script and have one of you read

your half of the script while the other either tries to remember their half or improvises a new one. So we've picked the script Reddit for you. Do you think you know that one the best? It's one of the ones that do come to mind. I don't know if I have a hundred percent recall but I hope I know some of the stuff. So are you going to play me or you're going to play yourself?

I'll do. That's a good question. What do you want? I'll play. I'll play me. I feel like that's, that's what I should do. Okay. So I'll play me. I have the script in front of me. You have no script. We're going gonna see how well you remember this. Okay. This is Jake and Amir Reddit. One of our first viral videos because it got onto the front page of Reddit. Hey, you're watching Jake and Amir.

And I'm viral, bitch. You actually say, give me your hat. Wow, bad hair. And then I say, that's why I'm wearing a hat. But that one doesn't count. Nobody can remember these intros. Okay. All right, into your office, Amir is typing.

Okay, dude, sorry, but you have to stop posting on Reddit. I'm on the front page. Relax, I only post cool and interesting stories at most once a month. Do you want me to tell you each line as we go past it or do you want me to just roll with it? I think you have to roll with it. Otherwise we're stopping too much. Okay. Every single time you posted 3,900 times today.

Did I do that? You're using that word wrong. Besides they're all pretty tastefully done, if you ask me. Yeah, the last thing you uploaded 30 seconds ago is a picture of the guy from Futurama with I think your dick. No.

Photoshopped onto his forehead. I'm literally not sure if this is my dick or my nose. The text, not sure if all of you commenters are a bunch of circle-jerking divas or if I'm universally hated by everybody. It's the second thing. Yeah. No, it's called a meme. Why do you try so hard to...

It's called an M.A. Sorry. It's called an M.A. No, it's called a meme. Wow, you also try to start a lot of AMAs. I'm a coward and a fool whose dad moved out on him not once, not 12, but a dozen times. Ask me anything.

Yeah. My dad is a diva, ask me anything. Yeah. I'll go dickless for Michael Chickless, ask me almost anything. That one is because I didn't wanna answer some questions about Rampart. What is that? It's a fucking movie with Woody Harrelson. What does it matter? Don't fucking. AMAs. It's like an interview. It stands for ask me anytime. Yeah. Wrong. What the fuck is going dickless for Michael Chickless?

It's basically castrating yourself for Sir Michael Chick, in a way. You never get any up votes. You have thousands of down votes. Yeah, and that worked out pretty well for me, didn't it? You are wrong. Am I wrong? The line says it's called karma Jake and correct me if I'm wrong, but I got a lot of it. And I say, you are wrong. Then you say, then correct me. That's all I should have remembered that. What are these hundreds and hundreds of posts on

r slash trees, just picture after picture of you trying to light a joint and your eyebrows on fire and you're crying and smiling. I was at a nine when I posted those. Okay, I see that. I'm high as a knife. Ask me anything. If this gets a thousand uptokes, I won't kill myself. So sad.

Not really. You know, that is sad because that's not very high. To a very dark place, threatening to kill yourself in an online community where everyone hates you. I feel like we've strayed off the path here. The fact that I'm literally on the front page of Reddit and you're not. Um, okay. I won't, I won up-toke that because you know what? Your comments on all of these other posts are actually really mean.

For example. Good. It's really close actually, because it seems like we did just one of the classic back and forths where I say, like on this video and then you interrupt me to say what example? I'll give you a lot of examples like this video of a dog squealing with joy when his Owners when his soldier owner comes home. Am I the only one who thinks dogs are incapable of

Having feelings or giving a shit That's you say I did it for the lulz. You did this for the lulz? Why the bitch is this on the front page? Am I the only one who doesn't think that dogs are cute or capable of having real emotions? God, so that's true. Yeah, I did that for the lulz, exactly right. If this gets downvoted, I'll shut up.

My dick is off for Michael Chick if this gets one more D vote. I really did fucking cut my dick off by the way. Hundreds of down votes. I don't remember anything. It's really hard because they're all so nonsensical. How could I possibly? Really I should have watched this right before we recorded. Yeah, even then it would have been hard. And drum roll please, thousands of up votes. And then you say...

Hundreds of down, hundreds of down votes. And you say, really? And I said, yeah, do you not check? Do you not like follow up at all? I don't actually. I thought I did. You'd be depressed if you went through your Reddit history, okay? Here's another picture of the Pope and the caption says, praise for starving children when sitting on a golden throne. That one's topical. You think that's funny now?

Yeah. Because you didn't when you left this comment, atheist fucks going to hell for talking smack about this God guy. Bury me with down votes if you disagree. You know, why do you ask for the downvotes? Because it gets upvotes. But if you agree, meet me at Blockbuster because we are renting rampart

and then ramming each other's parts. Then right under that you write, commenter above me as a philosopher, upvote him to karma heaven. Right under that you write, I'm the pope in this picture, ask me anything. Upvote! You say that thread was dead. Stop trying to protect yourself. Stop trying to protect yourself. You're coming up with excuses.

Just admit nobody on Reddit likes you. Yeah, if they didn't like me, then why did they give me all these upvotes? This guy, Forthewolfx, replies to you saying, leave Reddit alone, love everybody. And his comment got thousands of upvotes. Of downvotes. And in response, you decided to post a picture of Calvin trying to piss on Michael Chickless, but there's no pee.

I downloaded it off the internet. You say, yeah. And guess why he went to form exactly. Did he go Dickless? Ask him anytime. Oh, I think I nailed it. That was perfect. That was absolutely perfect.

That's like what it was when we were, uh, reading the script for the first time on camera and we're like, all right, I think we got it in pieces. Yeah, we're off book. It's tough to remember lines from 12 and a half years ago. Yeah, but we've seen those videos more recently on our Patreon, but I think they're hard because there's not really any like, they're so each line is its own

like off the cuff, out of context, weird response. Yeah, it's unrelated. It's easier for you because I set you up by saying stuff and you answer. For me, I'm just like saying anything random in the universe. So I have no context clues to go off. That's actually true. Do you want to try one where you read for you and I'll guess for me since it might be easier. I'm going to be doing Jake and Amir colon IT guy. One of my favorites.

All right, ready? You're watching Jake and Amir. Don't talk to them like they're babies. I'm not. Yeah, you're spoon feeding them just to get that out. Great. Silence. I can fix this problem in three seconds and this fool is going to take three hours. I'm serious.

I can fix this problem in three seconds and this fool is going to take three hours. I said I can fix this problem. You can't fix any problem, computer related or not, in three seconds. So stop talking. Pussy whipped much? What? Shut up. I'm fucking with you. Okay, relax, man.

You gotta learn how to chill out. I'm serious. If Word's busy off this month, you have a seriously psychological problems. Words don't piss me off. You dumped Apple Jacks on my computer and you ruined it. You say, I have a seriously psychological problems? Yeah. And you go, you got a problem too.

I'm like, I'm not going to do that. I'm and you ruined it. She said, I have a serious psychological problems. Yeah. And you go, you got a problem too. You have a problem too. You dumped Apple Jacks all over my hard drive and now it's all lost. I'm not Keaton, man. You should look at it and check it out. I'm really not Keaton.

Uh, and you mentioned the Apple Jacks and I go, uh, all my files might be erased. Might be, might be. I hear pissed at me like they are. Like they are. I think we only know your line. Words don't piss me off. You do. You and your Apple jacks.

Nice. Don't blame the Apple jacks like they did anything. I'm not. I don't deserve this silent treatment. Not everything is the silent treatment. You're yelling at me. Then it's not the silent treatment, right? Nice.

I'm sorry. King Dork is taking way too long. I got to go over there and harass this asshole or something. Good. Now I'm playing Mike Rogalski. Yeah. Hey, King dork, but you're happy that this is a computer problem, not a date because you have nothing to offer a woman. I bet you have no hobbies. I like swimming. Holy shit. The King dork speaks. He has the worst hobby of all time. Biking. He said swimming.

Try to listen. What hobbies do you have? Oh yeah. What hobbies do you have? Not really a hobby, but I've been pretty into craisins recently, you know, little cranberry raisins. You're right. That's not a hobby.

Hey, biking dork. I bet I know what you like to do. Your mom. Low blow. You fucking asshole. Oh man, this is such a good script. I say relax, man. Oh man, this is such a good script. I say relax, man. What? This guy comes in here with that poison to my ears talking about ramping my mother?

You just said if words piss you off this much, you have seriously psychological problems. I can't process this right now. I can't deal with this right now. At one point I said, you vile, vile little man, you with your acid tongue, you serpent, poisoning my mind's eye. And then I said, I can't process this. I can't deal with this right now. You know, 30 seconds ago you said,

if words piss you off this much, you have seriously psychological problems. I was kidding. You know, 30 seconds ago you said, if words piss you off this much, you have seriously psychological problems. I was kidding. You're kidding. Right after you said, I'm not kidding. I was kidding. Rogo. Okay, should be good.

Jake, thanks man. Me. You think he meant that? That jab at my whole lady. I think he was kidding. Yeah, me. You think he meant that? That jab at my old lady. I think he was kidding. Yeah, right. He said it so quick. He didn't even bat an eyelash. You're not intuitive. If he's King Dork, then I'm Prince of Nerd and I have to be ready to accept that.

Dad, come back. I'm ready to love you again. I'm sorry. Fuck you. Nice. And the end. Pretty good. Man, that script is insane. If he's King Dork, then I'm Prince Nerd.

He said it so fast. He has to be my dad. Didn't even bat an eye. We love scripts where I take things too far and I'm instantly thrown all the way to the ground in one really passive innocuous line. Where you condition out and not take it, it's perfect. Anytime we can highlight your hypocrisy, it's just so good.

For more of these check out our Patreon, patreon.com slash J.A. This Headgum podcast is brought to you by AuraFrames. That is right. From grandmothers to new mothers. Aunts, even the friends of your life, every mom loves an aura frame. Holy shit, even aunts? Yes, especially aunts. Oh well.

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it's got preloaded pictures in there and you know what, you can update it with an app. So every time you take a new picture of a sweet little person or place or thing in your life, it gets automatically sent to that frame. Exactly. And right now, Aura has a great deal for Mother's Day. Listeners can save on the perfect gift

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And terms and conditions apply, of course. Of course. Thanks again to Aura. Handsome. All right, we're back. Yeah. Pop quiz hot shot. Okay.

The original fantasy baseball was called rotisserie baseball because A, players were often drafted like a rotisserie chicken spinning around. B, the owners met at a New York City restaurant, La Rotisserie Francois, where its founders met for lunch and played the first game. Or C, it wasn't called that, I made up the premise for this question. Oh wow, it's either B or C I think. I'll go ahead and guess B. That is correct. The owners met for lunch at a New York City restaurant La Rotisserie Francois. Oh, I wonder if it's good. All right, enough talking. Pop quiz hot shot.

What is this from? What is going on? I just found some random trivia questions. Popcorn is one of six major types of corn, but the only one that can pop. True or false? There's something with like puffed corn, isn't there? I'll say false.

That is true. Popcorn is just a random type of corn. There's five others and it's the only one that pops. That's kind of cool. It's actually really cool. Pop quiz hot shot. Enough fucking around. Croissant is French for crescent, the shape of the pastry.

Um, it seems like it wants to be true. the shape of the pastry? It seems like it wants to be true. So, crystal, wethel? Actually, I'll say it's false. It's true. Damn it, why did I just go with what fucking seemed obvious? Each one of these questions is kind of tricky. These are tricks of trick questions. Yeah, this isn't trivia.

It's trickier. It's trickier. And I'm going to give you a trickie-otomy. Two more. Are you ready? Yeah. The most populous city in Connecticut is blank. The most populous city in your whole state of Connecticut is yeah

Remember it might be a trick question Populous city right cuz it wouldn't I don't I guess I'll guess Let's see we've got the big ones of course Stanford Greenwich Greenwich isn't that big Hartford, but I don't think it's Hartford. It's not new Haven, new Britain. No. Um, you've also of the top 10.

Really? Have I named the top one? Who's to say you're telling me if I hadn't. I'll guess Stanford. Stanford is third with 135,000 people. Oh, then New Haven. New Haven is second with 136,000 people. Hartford? Hartford is fourth with 121,000 people.

Was it Greenwich? Greenwich is 10th, only 63,000 people. So it's Bridgeport? It is Bridgeport! 148,000 people live in Bridgeport. Wow. So not only did I, I guessed all of the top ones, when I finally circled back to guess the first one, it was the last of the six that I had guessed. I don't think you mentioned Bridgeport until you guessed it. Oh, really? Yeah, I think you mentioned Bridgeport until you guessed it. Oh, really? Yeah. I think you did. I thought that I, Oh, I did.

I said, Stanford, Stanford and Grinch. Yeah. In Britain. Yeah. Oh wow. Geez. Embarrassing. Really embarrassing.

But I bet I could get all the other 10. You think your parents would know the answer? Um, I think they probably wouldn't struggle as much as me, but I could see them guessing between New Haven, Hartford and Bridgeport. Yeah. There are very close for a state to have three that are that close to each other in the top. Yeah.

It's a, it's a big old suburban sprawl out there. All right. Enough talk pop quiz hotshot. Last question. Try to end on a high note. Yeah. Yeah. Last question, try to end on a high note.

Yeah. Your favorite soccer club, the Tottenham Hotspur's were founded in A, the 1870s, B, the 1880s, C, the 1930s, or D, the 1940s? I'm going to guess the 1880s. That is correct. The Tottenham hot spurs were created in the 1887. Um, well, it was a little kind of funky at first because it was like a cricket club, then they formed a soccer club in 1884, then their first club was in the late 1880s, So it was around then. Cool. Come on you spurs.

I wonder what soccer was like in the 1880s. They got to have sucked, right? There's no way they'd be that good. Yeah, a lot of long balls being kicked through the mud. I bet you could use your fucking hands at that point. That seems like even pre no handball, right? Yeah, you're allowed to use anything. You just had to wear a leather hat. That was the one rule for 48 years until the first World War when they said no hands. Do you know the the name of the bird that sits on the the ball and the

logo? Um, I guess I always just thought it was a rooster, a game cock. the name of the bird that sits on the ball and the logo? I guess I always just thought it was a rooster, a game cock. It's a cockerel. Cockerel, that's right. Look at that, learning stuff every day. How are they doing this season? I love Tottenham. I think their logo is, it's not my favorite of all of the, if I could just grab a different logo, I would, I'd like that.

They're having a great season given the circumstances. They lost arguably one of the best strikers in the world, certainly for them, the day before the season started. Everybody was kind of projecting they'd be a mid-table team. But the first 12 games of the season, they were undefeated, they were number one. And they were riding high. Then they had an injury crisis.

They lost a lot of players to injury. And then people kind of wrote them off. But again, they surged and now they're in fourth place with seven games to go. So a lot better than people thought, but also kind of bruised ego from riding so high at the beginning of the season. So, yeah, I feel like if we didn't have that, like,

that run where we were number one, people would look at the table and be like, wow, that's great for Tottenham. But because I feel like we started the season and surprised everyone, that finishing still higher than expectations, it feels like we lost because we lost three places. Are soccer injuries like football and basketball injuries

or is it like weird shit like, oh, this person has a dense elbow, and you're like, I've never heard that injury before. It's, I think there's some, I mean like we lost, I think two guys to hamstring injuries. Yeah, that's a, that's the one. No dense elbow. I think there to hamstring injuries. Yeah, that's the first one. No dead elbows or anything like that. Yeah, ACL.

Sometimes they're just like, oh, he's carrying a knock. They'll call it a knock or a niggle. And you're like, you're supposed to know what that is. Right, no, it's just like, okay, they have discomfort, so they're not playing. Usually it's like, in basketball, they just call it a high ankle strain or something. Yeah.

Yeah, but in soccer, let's call it a knock. That's awesome. Yeah. All right, that was the end of my short but sweet pop quiz. That was a little tricky about things you should, but maybe don't necessarily know. That's fair.

I've mentioned this to you, but I think we should do the EPL podcast where you support Arsenal and I support Tottenham. And we'll just watch all of Tottenham's matches and all of Arsenal's matches and talk about them. Interesting. Because they're the biggest, they're the biggest North London rivals.

So you're throwing me into the pit of being an Arsenal fan. I mean, it's great to be an Arsenal fan right now. I fucking hate them, but they're top of the league, a really good team, very exciting team. I might be in London when they win the Premier League, so that could be a good origin story. Yeah, and your boy Declan Rice from the Hammers is one of their best players.

I am from the USA, but I do support rice, actually. Yeah, yeah. It feels rice. It just feels rice for you. For me to wear an Arsenal jersey that says rice on the back. I mean, who says no to that? That's a good idea.

You'll be in London. God damn, I hope they don't win. All right, I'll do some research. All right. And thank you to you guys for watching slash listening. Yeah, right. For more of us, you could check us out on Patreon, patreon.com slash J.A. where we sort of have a house on memory lane. So we sort of spend our entire time back there.

Exactly. Exactly. Thanks to everyone for the suggestions on which segments we should do. Keep those coming, we already used one. Keep them coming, we do, we love them. And as always, we'll be back next week. Goodbye everybody.

Ciao. That was a Head Gum Original. Hey there podcast podcast listener. Good news, we're doing another head gum happy hour in New York City. Whoa, that's amazing news. Amir, why don't you tell the folks when and where it is? Okay, fine. It's Tuesday, May 7th at 7.30 PM at the Bell House.

Okay. And why don't you tell everybody who the fucking hosts are? Yeah, that would be us. It would be, uh, we're hosting it. It's Jake and Amir. Okay. And how about this, you little piece of shit? Why don't you tell everybody who is gonna be performing? Who is this show featuring?

All right, I don't appreciate being called that, but it is featuring Charlie Bardet, Natalie Rodder, Lateman of Exploration Live. And why don't you tell them, excuse me, why don't you tell them who else it's featuring? Yeah, Nilly Tamaras and Elise Morales of the Go Touch Grass podcast, and some surprise guests as well more. Yes, and Mir

Why don't you go ahead and close this out now you say something like thanks for listening We'll see you at the hour or something like that. Why don't you go ahead? Yeah Okay, I will it's it's a do that so go buy a ticket at head gum comm slash live and we'll see you there All right. Bye