If I Were You - 295: Dog Lover (w/Hoodie Allen!)

Episode Date: October 2, 2017

Rapper and Friend Hoodie Allen joins us to discuss sex toys, trust issues, and ideas for an Australian rap/podcast tour.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Nice. Yeah, stuck the landing. Yeah, dude. Hoodie Allen in the house. Hey. Hey, yeah. Thank you for having me here.

Whoa. That's good. Did you recognize that across the sea by Weezer parody? Yeah, of course. I was like, I was waiting for that high note actually to see the quality of the river's imitation. And? How do you do? It's plundered.

That was... B plus? A minus? I know who I'm hiring for my wedding. I'm not getting married. Congratulations. I'm just having a wedding. You're marrying River's Cuomo.

I'm marrying River's Cuom. You're a half Japanese girl. That was by Prague Rock Band Aerial View, and that guy was Kieran Hansen. Prague Rock? Yeah, what is Prague Rock? I don't know, but it sounds like it's half punk rock, half sex show. Oh, that's cool. I think that's what it is.

I think it's a live sex show. I'll attend that. Yeah, you're in it. You're the mound that everybody gets to fuck during the performance. I'll ride as long as Weezer's playing. I'm down. Are you a general music fan? Are you a hip hop fan?

Or you just happen to be good at it? I don't really listen to music, man. Really? I'm not really into it. I know you might be kidding, but I know a lot of comedians don't watch comedy. It might be the same thing. No, I've never heard a song before. Oh, my God.

You're taking it one step further. You've never even heard a song. What about your own songs? Oh, shit. I make songs. Oh, yeah, dude. Oh, yeah. I like those.

Yeah, I forgot. I forgot. I forgot. I like those a lot. What's your favorite band? Like, when you were growing up, did you have a favorite band that you loved the most that you listened to the most? Yeah.

You were talking to me downstairs about how you wanted to be in a Fred Durst music video. Don't tell people that on the internet. And it wasn't a Fred Durst music video as if it was his solo project. It was the iconic early 2000s group, Limpisk of Limp. Yeah, exactly. So you were into punk rock as a kid? I don't know if that counts as punk rock, but I definitely did listen to Limpisk and Angkorn.

I started to interrupt, but I saw in Top Man, in the women's section, a corn t-shirt the other day. You know, like, ACDC and Metallica t-shirts are kind of him? Oh, so it's like ironic tea. Yeah. But for corn. Corn. I don't know.

Is it ironic, though? I hope so. What was that music video? Oh, shit. What was that? The slow motion bullet? What song was that? It was like the famous corn, the slow motion bullet music video.

Oh, my God. The corn. The corn. Yeah. That's it. Got the light. Got the light. Yeah.

Got the light? Yeah, I like that. That's a really good one. That was a good one. That was, you know what? That era came out of, completely out of TRL. Like MTV literally determined what was popular at the time. Yeah.

I remember that video and that song was like number one, Carson Daly on TRL for weeks. Yeah. Somewhere around after Before the Bum Bum Song by Tom Green. Yeah. Tom Green actually won number one slot because he was an MTV personality and he won the number one slot when he was already going to be on that show. I cry foul a little bit. Really?

I think that was a contrived MTV push. I think Tom Green was bigger than MTV at that point. He was the chappelle of MTV at that point. Yeah. That's true. He was, you think he was bigger than Carson Daly, though? So where he was calling the shots? I think so.

I'm going to come on the show, but you better make me number one. I think he was Carson's boss for sure. Because that was the first day they hit number one. In fact, let's go on Viacom as a website and check their organizational structure. Did you guys ever- Wow, look, Carson Daly's the CEO of Viacom. Did you guys ever vote on TRL? Did you ever vote?

No, but I had friends who introduced a song or something before. Really? Yeah. They called in. No, they were waiting in the city. Oh, they were waiting outside like cold losers. Wow. With a poster?

Yeah, you'd drive it. You would take the train in. You'd be like, what are we going to do in New York? Like, oh, I'm going to go see TRL. Not see it, but I'm going to be on the ground while they record it. 48 stories up in Times Square. And I might see Dave Holmes. I swear, I think that's the back of Carson Daly's head.

They would let you up, though. They would bring people up. Oh, yeah, they would point out or bring us something cool. Yeah, that was a cool moment in history. This was all before. And now everything is Snapchat this and Vine that. No, Vine is Twitter that. And will you DM me sometime?

No, they're not. I'm serious. No, you're not. I can handle it. And what postmates me of Vine. So. Yeah, if TRL was around now where you could tweet it or email in your text. Yeah, they're bringing it back not to give them promo.

I'm not on the payroll there. Wait, they're bringing TRL back? Yeah. That's smart. Who's going to host? Not me. Really? Not me.

I would have done it. Of course. I wanted to be the VJ. I think it's Dave Holmes, though. Is it? Yeah. They're bringing him back. It's Kurt Loder.

Holy shit. Kurt Loder who's like 63 years old at this point. He was 63 years old then. All right. Empire. But enough about MTV. Let's talk about MTV. I'm an empty man.

There's nothing inside my body. I'm sad of myself. This is a fire you. The only advice podcast on the internet hosted by Jake and I. Sometimes we have our friends on the show today. We have Hoodie Allen, famous rock and roll and rapster. Rookie. Rock and roll rapster.

Rock and roll rapster. Hoodie Allen. Wow. Play that song. Hey. Got the light. This is your fourth time on the show? I've lost track.

You know what? Fifth time? You're a Hall of Famer at this point. I feel like I'm in the top three appearance-wise. Oh, yeah. You're right. There's Fruterside L at this point. Yeah.

And you know what? I appreciate coming back here. We got to get people. I learned more about myself. Yeah. We got to get people like robes. And helping other people. Oh, yeah.

Like SNL is like the five-timers club. We need the fire you show five-timers club. Oh, yeah. We should get a jacket. I would love a Letterman jacket or maybe a plaque in my name. Oh, that would be cool. Sure knows we're not getting one for music. People put that in the studio.

That'd look kind of chill. We'll talk about that later. I wanted to answer some questions. I actually found a good one. Not too many good ones, but I did find a very good one. You did found one? I did found one. I actually found one not too long ago.

If you guys mind, I can read the question that I find. Sure. That I find it. Uh, guy or girl. It's got to give him a name. 22-year-old female. Ah, damn. I was on the plane preparing for this moment.

Wow. And I only thought of men. I was only thinking of men. Can you give me an occupation? Student. Clam. You're pissed off that I don't have a female on you. And then you said something that was probably just a male's name anyway.

Clam Jordan. Clam Jordan. That's cool. That's also what I'm having for dinner tonight. But for now, we'll call this human, this 22-year-old female. Wait, that's bad. Call her Claire. Okay, that's good.

Gone are the days of fake names. I like Claire Jordan. Claire Jordan. It's like Air Jordan. Yeah. Claire Jordan writes, recently bought a new vibrator because I wanted to upgrade the one that I could recharge instead of use batteries. Without thinking about it too much, I chose one on Amazon with good reviews.

I'm in a relationship and my boyfriend doesn't care that I masturbate and we will sometimes bring the vibrator into bed with us. However, when I brought out this new vibrator for the first time, he seemed quite upset. After talking, it came out that he felt weird because the vibrator is quite big, nine inches long and black, whereas the previous one was pretty small and pink. He brushed it off eventually, but we didn't use the vibrator that night and he hasn't mentioned bringing it into the bed with us since. I think he's intimidated by it, but I still want to try using it together since it's way

nicer than my previous one. He is average size downstairs and has never seemed self-conscious about his manhood before. Should I be wary of his feelings and only bring the small and pink one into bed with us? Should I get rid of the big and black dildo entirely? Help! Love the podcast. Congrats to Jake on his engagement.

Thank you. Claire Jordan with a funny predicament of buying a vibrator that makes her... That's bigger than your boyfriend's dick. I don't know what my girlfriend wrote this email to. You're very attacked right now. I forgot you were dating a Claire. Claire Jordan to be specific. Okay, I'll pretend that I'm not giving advice to my own.

Have you ever... You don't have to feel free to answer, Hoodie, because you're a guest. But Jake, have you ever used a vibrator in bed with a woman? I think not a... This one sounds like a dildo, like a vibrating dildo. I've used the small vibrators that are like, you know... They're not even meant to be... The rabbit that are just for...

Yeah. The clitoral stimulation. Right, not the dick replacement. Yes. Kind. I've never used that. I guess I would be open to it if somebody else was like, this is what really gets me off, because I think getting people off is kind of hot.

Yeah. Or the hottest thing you can do. Of course. But nothing turns me on about using a vibrator on somebody. Yeah, because it's a little bit like a prosthetic of what you are supposed to bring to the table. It's not really complimentary. It's more like taking our jobs. Right.

It's like the truck drivers of America. Yeah. That's why I like the vibrating, you know, like the little rabbit stuff, because that's something I can't do. My dick can't vibrate at that frequency. So I get it, yeah. Have you tried? I haven't really set my mind to it.

Right. So being replaced by a dildo that doesn't vibrate might be a little bit emasculating, because it's like, hey, your dick's all right, but can you use this giant rubber thing instead? Do you think it being black has anything to do with it? Oh, yeah. I think this guy might... I just don't want him... I want him to be woke, you know?

Yeah. No, I knew before you even said it. I was like... He said it was a giant black dildo. What, as soon as she said it? 100%. Systemic racism is alive and clear to Jordan's boyfriend. So you were saying...

We need to break this down a little bit. Yeah. This dildo could have been like four inches long, but if it was black, he wasn't going to have it. Right. So would she rather get herself a nine-inch pink dildo? This is what... I guess this is a test.

You're like, hey, was it the color or the size? Or you didn't have to say that. So you didn't have to say that. So you didn't have a very small black dildo or a big pink one? You're like, which one would you rather? And if he chooses the big pink one, you know that he's raced. Yeah. He's raced.

He's slept. The opposite of woke. Yeah. He's fast asleep. Would you guys be intimidated or emasculated by it? A little bit maybe? Why don't you answer that question? But not to the point...

I think I would make a joke about it. I don't know if it would offend me to the point of being upset because it's like, you know, it takes a lot of courage to bring something like this up into the bedroom. So you don't want to be like, I'm annoyed that you even tried to do this. But I wonder if it would weigh on me and be like, hmm, what's wrong with my actual vibrator, you know, my dick? Right. Well, it doesn't vibrate.

That's good. That's a good thing to tell the boy. It's like, listen, I would love for your dick to vibrate. Isn't that what a cock ring is? I don't know what a cock ring is. Do you know what a cock ring is? I've never tried that before, but I think it's a ring for your cock. Yeah, I thought it was like a slap bracelet for your penis that could vibrate.

That vibrates, I think. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's true. I think to answer your question, I mean, the fragility of men and their manhood is definitely a real thing. Even the most confident person might feel, I think. So I mean, I feel like his weirdness isn't surprising in the sense that I...

I probably would feel this... I'd probably feel sensitive too. However, is that just like an initial feeling that then changes when you realize that like the whole idea of sex is not just a selfish act, it's supposed to be both ways. And maybe you should be more open-minded. You're talking to the guy or the girl? No, talking to the guy. Yeah, talking to the guy, because this is obviously something that she enjoys and wants

to do. So should she be wary of his reaction? Or is it like, don't worry, he's fine. It's not that big of a deal. I mean, depends how much she loves him. I feel like what Hoodie's saying is that the reaction is to be expected, because she pulled out a sex toy that is bigger than his dick. But then it's more about what he does with this information now.

Does he get over it and be cool or not? How does it work? How does the logistics of this act work with both dicks? I think the guy is meant to penetrate the woman holding the vibrating dick in his hand. And what is he doing? Maybe he's licking her outer labia and clitoris. Maybe he's fondling her nipples. Maybe he's licking her asshole.

Maybe he's just whispering in her ear. He's not getting stimulated currently. Well, he better be getting stimulated. He's getting his girl off. That's pretty exciting stuff. But she's not doing anything to his penis. She might be. Maybe they're 69-ing and he might be spending a lot of time getting a blowjob.

That's true. So this isn't necessarily replacing his penis. I'm saying there's lots of stuff that you can do with the big black dildo. I feel like if this girl isn't solely in it for the size, then it's not worth this uncomfortable shit. If she only cares about it vibrating, which it seems like she does, the size was never that important to her. I feel like Amazon has a pretty great return policy.

And I think- Oh, even on these things? Yeah. I think- They just hose them down and ship them off to the next person. It's really like Netflix more than anything else. You rent a dildo. I just say that it's not worth the argument unless you are actually really liking the

size and the girth of the thing. Right. Or maybe you don't use that specific one with your man in bed. You use the pink and small one with your guy. The thing is he's already seen the huge one. He'll never unsee that. It's true. This relationship is over.

Oh, really? That he's waving the white flag after seeing the black dick. So he sees it. He's out. I don't- and I actually don't- thinking about it, I don't think it's about the fact that it's black versus pink. Yeah. But I don't think it helps if it was on the fence.

Yeah. I think it's more- In the years that we've been doing this, I find that girls care about penis size so, so, so much less than guys do. Yeah. That like even thinking about this dude in this situation, I feel embarrassed. I feel- I feel- I know how he feels, you know? Which is what?

Inadequate. Yeah. Yeah. And it's not true. That's not how the girl sees it at all. So should I be wary of his feelings and only bring the small and pink one into bed with us? Yes?

You don't- I mean, I don't know if it's a matter of you should be wary of his feelings, but I believe we're at the very least telling you what his feelings are. It's your decision if you want to be wary of them. Should I get rid of the big and black entirely? I mean, I think they should have an honest and open conversation about sex because that stuff's important and maybe there is something missing that's the impetus for why she wants to bring something else into the bedroom to begin with. Maybe they need to connect on a greater emotional level and that will lead to a better physical

connection as well. And then they won't need to have this awkwardness about size and toys and other stuff. Or maybe I'm close-minded. I don't know. I mean, think about it like- What do I know? I'm a rapper. And I crush a lot.

I think the problem is that this dude thinks- I've never had this problem before. He doesn't think that this- of this dildo has an extension of himself. Right. You know, if you're riding a horse into battle, are you not as tall as you- like you're taller. You're on a horse. That's your tool. Yeah. You're- this guy is- he can be twice the man that he-

He is a dildo. He just needs to hone the power. So instead of like a dildo, maybe she should get him a fucking sigh. So it's the middle thing is a dick, right? And then there's two little- Or like a nunchuck that's a two dildo. Yeah. Basically like a sexual mutant ninja turtle of sorts.

And then she can get him a bow, Donatello style. So it's a stick. But the end of the stick is a dildo. All right. So we solved this problem. I think she should- I think she should be- I think she should maybe talk about it, but if she feels it's awkward, maybe she should be wary of his feelings and- and it depends how much she likes him, I guess.

I don't know. Yeah. Barry both of those things. Dildo nunchuck. Yeah, dildo. All right. All right. Here's another question for you guys.

What is this from a guy? What do you think? Charlie Conway. That was you on the plane. I was the one who just went on. Waking up from a nap. I got one. It's perfect.

Yeah. Clam Jordan. Clam Jordan. Charlie Conway. Charlie Conway is just a cool, all-American name. Yeah. Well, it's from- it's- it's Mighty Ducks. Oh, is it?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Josh Jackson's name? Exactly. Yeah. Charlie Conway. Yeah, honestly. Conway?

I thought it was Conroy. No. Charlie, right. You can call- you can call me Tang Danger for anonymity. I don't even need you at all, you idiot. Tang Danger. Next guy. Oh, wait.

Tang Danger time. I need your help deciding if something is weird or not. I'm a 20-year-old guy over the past six- and over the past six months, I've grown accustomed to cuddling my girlfriend in my sleep. The issue is she can't always sleep over every night, and on those nights, I'm just hardcore jonesing for a warm body to fill the void. My solution has been to invite my 60-pound golden retriever into bed to act as her surrogate. Now, I'm no sicko, mind you.

I don't touch my dog inappropriately. We just cuddle. My girlfriend knows- Let's cut to this guy's skull-fucking-as-dog. I mean, you don't have to have that forceful of a r- like, I swear, I'm not- I'm not disgusting. I'm just fingering the dog. Stop it. Enough, I'm not-

Who's guys inviting it? You say- We won't be all assume you're not fucking the dog. I feel like that forceful of a denial. I feel like knowing the noise so accurately is the real bizarre. Yeah. How is he barking that loudly with his mouth full? Oh my gosh, you guys are- you guys are going in on the dog sex humor here.

I didn't say anything. That's the guy's voice as he's getting skull-fucked by the dog. What? The guy is barking? You're 69. All right. Sorry, go ahead. Sorry, go ahead.

After a minute-long detour where you panted on my fucking a dog. Sorry, go ahead. Not fucking it. Yes, skull-fucking it. That's a blow job. To really have a conversation about consent here. Oh my god. My girlfriend knows this and doesn't think it's weird, but just from my own conscience,

I gotta know, what do you guys make of it? Well, we know what Jake thinks of it. Is it endearing- Dog fucker. I think you're fucking your dog. Do we approve of it? No. Next question.

Is it endearing and fine or is it plain odd to show that kind of affection to my pup? Thanks a ton. Love, tang. P.S., sometimes we kiss. Sue me. This is weird. P.S., I got her in Compton, I assume the dog, off Craigslist if that counts. Oh shit, he lives in L.A., now he's gotta kick my ass.

She was full of parasites and I feel I share a closer bond with the dog. I nursed her back to health when she was just a mere seven weeks old. Happy to say she's over one now. So, because you fixed the dog, you can fuck it? I don't understand. Then nobody's fucking a dog. There's a lot of P.S.s in here for like a girl trying. Is it fine to sleep in the same bed as a dog as a replacement for a girlfriend?

Of course. Yeah, this is every 16-year-old girl cuddles with their dog. Yeah. What about 20-year-old guy? I've cuddled with dogs. Yeah, everyone cuddles with dogs. That's fine. Yeah, that's fine.

You have to restrain yourself to just cuddle, but I think if he says he can do it, that's pretty neat. If he has that, what do you mean restrain yourself? I just mean like the heavy petting turns into... Panting. Yes, I'm panting. It gets a little hot and heavy. Sooner or later, you don't know what's what or what's where.

You wake up in the middle of the night. Is it my girlfriend? Is it my dog? I don't know because it's a warm body and we're cuddling. You made me make a dog-fucking-joke. You inceptioned me to do it. And now that's all people are going to remember. That's not your first dog-fucking-joke.

Today. You cuddle with a dog right now. Yeah, my girlfriend has a dog and since she's pretty much living with me, the dog is too. Dog sleeps in the bed. I enjoy it. You cuddled the dog? Yeah, I cuddled the dog. It's part of the family.

I cuddled the dog. But now it's a replacement because girlfriend's also in bed. You cuddled the girlfriend? Cuddled the girlfriend and sometimes I cuddled the dog. Sometimes the dog is cuddling by my feet. Sometimes the dog is cuddling on my back. Sometimes she's cuddling the dog. That's nice.

It's basically what the dog decides. Happy family. Yeah. Do I think it's fine? Yeah. Is it plain odd to show that kind of affection to your pup? No, I don't think so. I think it's sexy.

Of course you do. You haven't stopped talking about it. I think cuddling with the dog is the hottest thing you can do. Yeah. As a man. As a man. Yeah, finding a dog in Compton, nursing it back to health and then sleeping next to it because you guys are that close.

That's awesome. That's awesome, dude. Hell, if you fuck everyone's wants. No, you can't fuck the dog. We have to be clear about that. Right. You're a role model. Don't just say right.

Like I'm scolding you. Right, right, right. Right, right, right. Don't fuck the dog. What? Don't fuck the dog, I said. He's not. I hate that we have to clarify that.

He said there's obviously no need for him to be fucking the dog. I don't think he's fucking the dog. All right. But you did? Yeah. Okay. Good. So we agree, right?

Yeah, one time. Absolutely. Not dog fucking. Okay, let's take a break. We'll be back with some more questions and answers with Hoodie A and Jake in a Mirabai. Hi. Hi. Hi.

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arin. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Because today, when we release, it's Monday. Oh my gosh.

October 1st. My album just came out. What a wonderful weekend it had. It's number one on iTunes. It's number one. Sorry, Miley Cyrus. Is it hard to eat your heart out, Shania Twain? When it comes out, that day is the most exciting

or is tour is most exciting? Sorry, Monday, October 2nd is when this comes out. So album comes out that day. Most exciting? You know, like I'm a young Jewish male, so I'm just full of anxiety at all times. So especially on album day, it's just nerve-wracking. But it is exciting because you work really hard

to put something together and then it comes out. And you know, it's a big moment. So yeah. And with the anxiety, are you feeling like, oh man, I'm nervous to see reviews or oh man, I'm nervous to see sales? I'm nervous to see if I'm charting. Like what do you, well my fans think

what the corrects think? Yeah, I think the most important thing for me is what the fan reaction is. Because when you've done a lot of albums before, and I'm sure you guys can relate to this when you, you know, because you've done so many projects, it opens up the world for people to be like, this isn't as good as that old thing

or go back and do that. And you know, and you're like, wait, just give me the chance. You don't even know what you're listening to yet. So, you know, we have an internet world today where like everyone is very instantly judgmental and like there's so much positive that comes from that, that's overinflated and then there's also the immediate like over exaggerated negative reaction

for calls for nostalgia and stuff. It is funny, that's like something I've even, I'm guilty of like saying that to people too, but like somebody who's a big fan of ours would be like, oh, go, like your old videos were better. Like, okay, so you like me so much that you want me to never ever succeed as an artist. You want like the Jake and Meir videos of your,

and then that's it. And then I have to like move back to my hometown and become a real estate agent. That's your ideal. In a perfect world. That I've failed at everything. You have to succeed once. You have to succeed only once.

My favorite part about that are, they'll be like, and then honestly, obviously, most, this is all like positive stuff, but then you always pick out the one negative comment, right? Like we're talking about World War I, everything's like, yeah, you rock, I love you, suck my dick. You know what I mean? But no one says that, but then it's like the one.

I talking to the dog. Yeah, just the dog texting me. But then like, you know, you get the one comment that's just like, can you go back and make songs like this and this, and then they pick two songs that are in no way like similar. And you're like, I don't even know how to wrap my head around this comment, but yes.

Anything for you. Anything for you. Troll. Yeah, but you know, overall, I think, I just care so much about what the fans think. And I love the idea that I could like put something out that will then become, you know, like the soundtrack to someone's life in any sort of way.

Is this your best album, according to you? Yeah, I mean, I think it is. And I think like it's impossible for it to be the minute it comes out just because anyone who's already a fan of mine has such attachment to a song or an album in the past. But I think over time, this will be a favorite project, for sure.

What was your last album? Well, the last thing I did was a mixtape called Happy Camper, and this is better than that. Okay, so this is your first album in three years? I guess technically, yeah. What's the difference between an album and a mixtape? It's hard to say, but yeah. This, can I?

What is the difference? Is it just that people are supposed to expect a less from a mixtape? Yeah, that's what I kind of think. A little bit, right? It's kind of fucked up. It's like, well, shit, I'm sort of botching this. This one's a mixtape, not an album.

Yeah, I mean, the mixtape, there's the free element. I mean, that's sort of gone away because everyone just listens on streaming services. But yeah, I mean, I put a lot more time into this and a lot more resources and collaborations and all that sort of stuff. So it feels very much like an album. I guess that's the main difference.

How many tracks are we talking here? 12. 12 tracks. 12 solid tracks, yeah. And then you go on tour. And then a secret song at the end. And then the bonus song in the end. You gotta wait till the end.

And if it starts over again, it'll play on the second time you get all the way through. So just keep going again. That was a real secret. Yeah, oh yeah, and then we're going on tour. Which is when? Starting October 10th, hidden Columbus, Ohio in the first date.

First date, middle of America. Yeah, you know, I gotta go to the real people. Is it a geographic spiral as you go around and around? Or is it like a... Yeah, it's like a weird, a weird rhombus. Oh, it's a rhombus. And then flying over to Dublin and doing UK and you're up to something like that.

Is the US tour all on a bus? Yeah, all on a bus, thankfully. I love touring on a bus. That's like so fun. That hashtag, buslife. I sleep so much better on a bus than I do in my bed at home. Wow. It's like the minute the bus starts,

because the bus moves at like, say, you leave at like two or three in the morning and the bus leaves and it's just like, it rocks, you right to sleep. And you're like, oh, time to go sleep. Do you sleep really well on tour? I sleep really well on tour. Wow.

And then you wake up in a new city and you're just like eight hours of sleep after being like, because I've been to your concerts, you're basically jumping around, singing, sweating, dancing for like three hours. Throwing cake at people. Yeah, it feels like I can't, like if I did that by the next day, when we get exhausted,

when we do like three tour dates, and all we do is sit on the stool. That's because you guys drink a lot on those. Oh yeah, that's true. You drink. I mean, I try to be a little bit responsible. It depends. I've been telling everyone on Twitter

that I'm going to get fucking wasted with them after every show, whether it's a ploy to sell tickets or not. But you can't actually do that. You can't get wasted 48 nights in like three months. Yeah, I can't do that and then do my job well. Right. You know, the worst thing, and this happens to every musician, is like you get sick at some point

or you lose your voice at some point. Yeah, that's like the worst. After one night of karaoke, I feel like my throat's sore and that's like three songs. So how are you supposed to like rap for two hours and then be fine the next day? It's like, the first time I went on tour, like the first tour I ever did,

I lost my voice after every single show and it was a constant cycle of me not speaking for the entire day, just rapping and then going back to not speaking. Wow. But you, it's kind of like a muscle, I guess. So it gets stronger. Also it gets harder and over time.

Yeah, and then you... Your throat is jacked. Yeah, I'm a little bit more ready for tour life than I was back then. But it does make sense that people lip sync then because it's like, you're still on stage. It seems like you're rapping the song but your voice is completely unscathed.

Yeah, I hate when I see people do that because it feels like why go see someone live if they're not going to even... If they're just going to fake it. But yeah, I'm not dropping names. Don't get me to start beefs on a podcast. Ashley Simpson. All right, Ashley.

So me and Jake do live podcasts. The first one is recorded. The second and third show, we just try to lip sync for the first show's recording. That's smart. Yeah, so they're like... Let's take a knee from the audience. Grandis.

Grandis, oh, okay, cool. They're getting the exact same experience because it actually is that view and we're pumping in audience noise, like a football stadium so people are getting hyped. That's really smart. What is your favorite show that you guys have done this past year?

Because you guys have done a lot of shows this past year. Yeah. Have you already discussed this? No, last year. Oh, Atlanta might have been my favorite. Atlanta was a really special show. What's the best show and then what's the best place to visit?

Oh, like city? Yeah, like just the place that you had the most fun regardless of the fact that the show was good or bad. It's just memorable for you. I mean, Atlanta was very fun in both of those regards because the show itself was in a basement so it felt very packed and we had some friends there and some strangers there and then Rick Fox came

and people went crazy for him. Yeah, that was fun. And then after that we went to like inside the NBA and to Turner and we hung out with Rick Fox and we saw like a bunch of other basketball players. Fist bump, shack. Yeah, we saw shack there. Wow.

He didn't care, but that was fun. I think for me it's always Australia though. Also the Dublin show that we did with Ben, maybe that's more than a year ago now. Oh yeah, that was really fun. That was an attempt as part of a comedy festival. I think I haven't gone to Australia yet. I think we should go to Australia together.

We should go to Australia together. And test out this podcast live rap show idea which has been in the works via three 30 second conversations we've had over the last four years. I think between the several thousand people that would go to your show and the couple hundred that would come to us, we can like really sell out. I would definitely be good for us.

I think it's only a couple hundred for me too. I think we're gonna have, it'll just be like one plus one equals two. Yeah. Or would it be like half the people disappointed cause like wait a minute, why am I seeing two guys sitting on a stool? I think what it is.

I can't see Hoodie Allen rap. We have to host a night of like partying. So like Hoodie's a performance. We're like hype man. There's no podcast at all. So our fans wouldn't like it. No, our fans they'd like it cause we'll be partying with them.

One on one interaction with us all throughout the night. It's like a meet and greet. Yeah. It'll just be a huge fucking, I'll be rolling my face off. Everyone's gonna love it. Especially you. I'm dehydrated.

I'm getting my stomach pumped. But you don't have to pull it off. You just want to go to a Hoodie concert and sit on the stage. Side stage. I don't need to be the focal point. I'm gonna be so fucked up after all. Will you take me to Australia, sir?

We should do that. I know we should do it. That would be really fun. Let's go somewhere low pressure like Australia. Where if it goes badly, what no one in America will ever find out. So far away, they won't know.

What's like the third, if we add a third thing, like what's so different from comedy and music? Oh, wrestling. Comedy music, wrestling. Yeah, that would be. So who's the wrestling equivalent of us?

Probably those local wrestlers in LA that like sell out every LA show. I was thinking the Miz. Yeah. Or him. Or the Miz. He's just fucking up there, body slamming people.

And maybe the rock. I like that. But can he draw? Of course. No, I don't mean like draw like sell tickets. I mean like does he know how to draw? Oh, like what? So you want the rock to just be on stage

to do the link? He should be a sketch artist. He'll do a caricatures of us. That would be incredible. I would pay $10 for that caricature. Yeah, my big head in a fucking corvette or bowling or playing basketball or something. And the rock is painting it all.

I'm DM him a vine right now. Let's DM him a vine. Yeah, we cannot DM him a vine. Let's Snapchat him a YouTube. That you actually can do. All right. Should we try to answer some more questions? Sure.

I can only find two. So we might need to Game Boy a couple. Wow. Yeah. Shall we? What does that mean? Great question. Yeah, have you met the Game Boy before?

He's me except with a silly voice. Yeah, there he is. I'm the Game Boy. So the Game Boy just searches our Gmail for a word and it has to be a word that results in one email of one question being found. You've done this before with me once. Oh, really?

Yeah. Okay, so it can't be so esoteric that nothing will come up, but it can't be so common that thousands will show up. Can I suggest a word? Yes. You can. Mayonnaise.

That's really good. Mayonnaise. I can't know my mind. I hope there's only one researchers off for that. Wow, it's very close. Really? Mayonnaise. It's nine, but let's see.

Some of them are spam. Yeah, some of them are spam. Some of them are Hellman's ads that have emailed you. It's basically just two. Wow. You're gonna probably win the game at this level. Wait, so everyone gets one try, right? Is that kind of how it works or no?

Now we're just gonna read this question first, right? Yeah. Make sure it's not trash. Yeah, that's funny. Okay, this is funny. This is great. This will work. Do you have a guy's name?

Another one. Or did you only spend the entire plane ride thinking of the Mighty Ducks character? I was trying to think of multiple Mighty Ducks characters. Kenny Woo. All right, here we go. Which one's Kenny Woo? Woo, woo, Kenny Woo!

He can skate really well, but he, oh no, he can't stop. That's Louis Mendoza who can't stop. But Kenny Woo, he was a former ballerino. Oh, that's right. What about Kenan Thompson with the knuckle puck? Ah, yeah, I don't know his character, Russ was his character's name. So funny that his shot was just like a puck spinning.

Like that's kind of easy to stop, right? Is that a real thing that people can do? I've never seen it. And I've seen the movie twice. And I've seen one, two, and three. Knuckle puck time. Nobody else did the knuckle puck except for him. All right, here we go.

As of recently, writes Kenny Woo, I've become one of those shitty boyfriends. I've had an ex hit me up half a year ago for a good fuck. Being in a relationship, I couldn't give her the schlong, but my horny ass, six shots of tequila deep figured. But sexting isn't cheating, right? It's not my fault an ex misses the sight of an ex's cock. Porn stars make porn and have relationships all the time.

She tells my girlfriend six months later, and I will never understand why she waited so long to throw me under the bus. When my girlfriend of two years found out, she was devastated to find that I had cheated. I never slept with another girl, but she felt like I had. This is the girl I want to marry. She wants to work things out,

but I cannot but feel like her trust in me is forever broken. If you take the time to read my story, is it possible to keep a relationship going after something like this happened? Am I a shitty person for showing off my massive schlong, drunk, and a horny at 2 a.m.? Will she ever forgive me?

Also, here's a few random words for your Game Boy game. Wow. Ravioli, meatball, Pluto, cactus, Okawad, pumpkin, mayonnaise, orange chicken, forest fetish. Is that the first time that somebody got us just by their PS? It might be. Some people leave the entire dictionary as an attachment,

but I got rid of those questions. So this guy did machine gun fire, but it was on 20 words, so I'll allow it. All right, love Kenny Woo. So, all right. Just wondering how he was gonna work that in there. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, a little mayonnaise reference.

So do you think this is unrecoverable? Jake, I assume you're the one who sexed the most out of us. I, yeah. In the past, in the past. In the past, of course. I think that this is fine. Mm. I don't think.

It's just texts. Well, I mean, it's not totally fine. It's like, but this is slap on the wrist behavior. You're saying on a scale of one to cheating, it's way closer to one. Yeah, I feel like we deal with such worst shit than drunkenly sexting an ex. It's not ideal.

Yeah, and the dick pic is not ideal. This is a girl that's already seen your dick. It's not even like you've shown the dick to a new person. So as far as texting is concerned, sexting is concerned, it's even better to sext an ex or a random. I have to play devil's advocate here. I was with you.

Of course. I mean, I was on board. I was like, all right, cool. I actually think that the random is better. It's way less cheating than the ex. Because the ex you have an emotional attachment to. Those were the exact words I was going to use. Because it's like, hey, you know what you had

and it's almost like you prefer it. Because it's way easier to, like why are you conversing with that? Like obviously the ex is way maybe easier to talk to because you have that past, but that just, it brings up all these insecurities in a current girlfriend thinking, why are you still thinking about this person?

Why would you do this? It just leads to so many more questions than a random, which kind of feels like personalized porn. Yeah. I can see that. That's true. I'm trying to think of what I'd be more offended about if I caught a lover sexting,

obviously not ideal in any situation. It would totally be an ex, at least for me. You'd be more pissed. Yeah, because then you'd be thinking about that person and how they've had sex before. Yeah. I think I'd be more jealous of my SO sexting an ex, but I feel like I'm more of a threat

with a new person than an ex. Because new person is more exciting than an ex. You don't feel anything for exes. I guess this all goes to say that none of this is good, none of it's ideal. I don't think that it's breakup worthy, but I think you have to completely debase yourself with the apology.

You're 100% in the wrong. Try to delete that app. What's the messages? You gotta delete text, man. Block the number. I can't believe the girlfriend said, the ex said something six months after the fact. Yeah, she screenshot, that's not good.

It's hard when you can't even get mad at her because it's like you'd fucked up, but like you kind of still want to be mad at her. How dare you share the private evil thing that I did with you? Yeah, that's so fucked up. I honestly fucked up too, but what you did was kind of worse.

Like you have nothing to gain from that. Do you think that was like a long play? Yeah, she wanted to like bait him, trap him. And then six months later, when she was not having a good day, she was like, or is it she just felt guilty? I mean, what is that? I don't know, like what does that give her?

Yeah. There's no pros, right? It's just like, I bet it's a little bit bragging. It's like, by the way, your boyfriend fucked up. He's all up into me still. Sorry about that. Or maybe it's just like ate away at her. She's like, oh, this guy's going to break up

with his girlfriend. He's still sexting me. He still likes me. And then it's like months and months go by. It's like, well, why haven't I heard from him? She's like maybe trying to sext him some more. And he's not being responsive. And she's like, well, all right, fuck this dude.

So she's trying to separate them, sexporate them so that she can get back together with a guy because of her motivations. This is all, but it comes back to, what's his question? Is it salvageable? Is he a shitty person, I think is the question? I mean, yeah, I'm a shitty person. Yeah.

You did a shitty thing. That's a shitty person thing to do. Yeah, if you did it all the time, you'd be a shitty person. But you can still be a good person in the way that you recover from it. Plus he was drunk and horny at 2 a.m. So it wasn't like a sober purposefully mean thought to do. So that is slightly more forgivable.

I think people do worse things. Right, he didn't cheat. He didn't actually cheat. Will she ever truly forgive me? She might not trust you for a while. She might not have to define him, but... It really depends on the girl. Yeah, it definitely depends on the girl.

Some ladies are zero tolerance. Yeah, but you heard how massive this guy's shlong was. That's true. You mentioned it a couple times. He does have a huge dick. Honestly, I think the first guy is intimidated just by us reading this story. No.

Can you not read dickiness? Is it nine inches in black? I need to know. Because if so, I have to unsubscribe for the podcast. Please, we're begging you to stay subscribed. Just stay subscribed. Don't listen. Yeah.

All right, we're out of time. Thanks for coming by. Thank you for having me. We should say we shot a video today too. Maybe that's online. That's already up. Thank you for watching that video already. Yeah, and if it's coming out on Thursday, check it out.

One last time, name your album. The Hype. And it's out right now. On iTunes, Spotify, Apple Music, Google Play, Deezer, and Pornhub. It's on Deezer? It's on Pornhub? Do you put it on YouTube?

Do you put it on U-Porn? Yeah. How many music videos do you have for this? Zero. Zero music videos. I mean, what is it? You're saying fuck it. Because you used to make music videos.

No, I still will. But they're expensive. Yeah. So you're like, let's skip that for now. Yeah, let's let the people decide what's a popular song. I like that. And then we go from there. What about one of those animated word videos that it's like?

Oh, I'm not an animator. I did one lyric video. It's already out. OK. It's pretty cool. It's neat. So you can check that out too. All right, all right, all right.

Awesome. Hoodie, thanks for coming by. Thank you for having me. Much appreciated, as always. The opening theme song was written by Kieran, I believe, the Weezer parody. This closing one is Sam Wissen from Perth, Australia. That's my dude.

Dude, that's where we're going. He's our closing act. Yeah, man. We're going to Perth. We're going to Alice Springs. Yes, sir. We're going to Cairn. Cairn.

If you have any more theme songs or emails or questions for us, everything is at fireyshowatgmail.com. Thanks for listening today. Thanks for listening next week. We'll be back soon enough. Thanks again, Hoodie. Later. Bye.

Peace. Two coy guys. Two coy guys. Two coy guys. Two coy guys. Two coy guys. Two coy guys. Two coy guys.

Two coy guys. Two coy guys. Two coy guys. Two coy guys. Two coy guys. Two coy guys. Two coy guys.