If I Were You - 3: Noodles

Episode Date: May 20, 2013

In this episode we discuss cool kids, smelly food, and whether or not we should edit our terrible mistakes. (Spoiler alert: We don't.)See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, I'd tell you what I would do, if only I were you, show dot com. Wow. Wow. That was legit. Hell yeah. Who's our, you know, remixer extraordinaire. This is, if I were you, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by us. I'm Amir Blumentfeld, and I'm sitting across Jake Hurwitz.

Wow. Hello. How are you guys? You're not wearing a shirt. Yeah, or pants, but I am below a table, so you can't tell. Well, I can't tell. Oh, wow, yeah. I'm wearing one sock and one shoe, and it's not what you think.

Yes, so this is, if I were you, the only advice podcast on the, oh my God, I'm sorry. Should I restart? Well, yeah, this is the time. What are we going to do? Do we restart, or are we going to, are we going to post this entire thing on there? I guess let's do it. Let's post it. This is unedited raw mercy.

We still might second guess and cut this entire thing out later. That's right. This is the game. We're just grinning at each other right now, not knowing whether or not I'm about to stop the podcast and restart. Smiling and terrified. All right, we saved it. Hey, so what we do is we get your emails. This is the one and only advice podcast.

Oh, crap. Oh my God, I'm having a stroke. No. Not again. I'm just staring at the timeline, moving right along, closer to my death. 30 minutes is up. Yes, okay, intro song, written by Stoney. We still haven't decided on an intro song.

That one was written by one of our favorite internet remixer who does, you know, a bunch of auto tuning Jake and Amir episodes. He sent us that one. We got a bunch of other great ones. We're going to play them. We haven't committed to one yet, but thank you so much. Too much sending them. Yeah, they're amazing. They're so fun.

The email to send that or any question is still if I were you show at gmail.com. And we're going to start changing the email address every week to make sure you're listening. Not only that, but we won't check the old email address. Yeah. Let's say you listen to the first two episodes. Now who has the upper hand? You guys? That's right.

All we try to do is antagonize our audience and dwindle down to absolute zero. The most loyal person ever. Yeah, so should we get started? Should we just dive right into it? Yeah, let's give some people in need of advice. Some advice. Yeah. Okay, this one is from Peter.

He says again, fake name completely conserving your anonymity. Easiest name we could think of. You don't know how it's spelled. No, it is P-E-T-R-R-E-R. Wow. So my problem, he says, my problem is that I hang out with a group of kids in my school that would be considered as the cool kids in quote. And I feel like they don't really like me.

I don't know why since I try my best to be fun. I always try to smell great and I'm usually the funniest guy in the group. We like hang out a lot in school, but after school, it seems like they try to avoid me and keep me from hanging out with them. So why do they only like me in school and not afterwards? Well, yeah, I try insanely hard. So trust me, don't think it's a lack of effort. I'm trying harder than anybody, I promise you.

You idiot. You high school fool. You dumbass. God, yeah, you know, I'm not 16 anymore, so I can think you're stupid. I don't even remember the feelings I had when I was your age. Maybe it is the effort that he's trying too hard. Obviously we're being facetious to like making fun of him, but, you know, obviously calling him the cool kids is a start.

Yeah, I mean, any, you think the cool kids are walking around being like, hey, we're the cool kids? No, it doesn't occur to them. That's why they're the cool kids. And that's why you're the nerd that will never hang out with us. You're just like revisionist history of your own high school experience. I'm the shit. I still am. But weren't you the king?

Hampton Hall Hornets. You weren't part of your cool group? Yeah, actually, I actually, I think it was a lot like this kid. I was kind of like a class clown, so I had a lot of friends in school. People would laugh at me. But I mean, outside of school, I didn't have, well, I had a ton of friends. 2,000 pounds to be exact. And they would totally get that joke if I said it today.

And yeah, my school was just filled with nerdy Jews. So there were no cool kids, which makes everybody the cool kid. No, there was a cool group that they, you know, they would like do, you know, some drugs and some drinking and parties. No matter how great you smell, you ain't dealing weed, son. You smell like herb. You want friends. You want friends. You got to get a piece.

You got to roll a J, hang out in the courtyard, buy a playground or some shit. That's where the cool kids go. But cool is so subjective. Like the cool kids then, I wouldn't think they're cool now. And like the ones that I would hang out with, I guess grew up to be quote unquote cool kids because they have their life together. And I don't know, I think there's nothing. What's cooler than having a good job? Here's something cool.

Financial security. Hey, that's pretty cool. What are you doing? You're asking for advice on being cool from the biggest loser I know. Me. What are you doing now? Dale Joint. Oh, you're running your own music business.

Very well. Very neat. We're both doing good then. Can I have a job application? I'd love to score some marijuana cigarettes off of you. So, yeah, our advice to you, Peter, is one, I think you should just start getting less of a shit. That's true. What is a matter if you're hanging out with the quote unquote cool kids or not?

Yeah. I'll tell you what, it matters. Because cool is everything. Your reputation is everything. And guess what, buddy? The cool kids stay cool after high school. I'm still trying to break into a cool crowd. If anybody knows any cool 28 to 30 year olds, I would love to hang out with them.

I smell great. I'm the life of the party. I waited outside a bar for an hour and a half last night screaming, I have a goddamn podcast. It's ranked in the top five in comedy. The bouncer downloaded it, listen, didn't crack a smile, and then he confiscated my IG. How is that fair? I'll tell you how. It was a fake Canadian one that said I was still under 19.

Because I'm trying to get with cool kids in high school. Now we have fun. Next question. This one's from Roger. I'm 21 and from Australia. I was at my girlfriend's house the other night and I needed to fart badly. We've only been dating for a month and we're still in that honeymoon phase where everything is cute and innocent. I held it in for hours and let it brew until I got home.

Let it brew. I love that. It's like a drink. As I was leaving her house, she hugged me so tight it forced it out of me. That's adorable. She hugged me so tight. She hugged like a giant whoopee cushion. I let one squeeze out.

Needless to say, I was terribly embarrassed. What would you do if you guys needed to fart badly in that situation? Well, first of all, you're in the honeymoon phase, so isn't your flatulence might be cute? That's true. Everything is cute in the honeymoon phase. It's like, ooh, I tuted. I'm sorry, baby. Yeah, isn't it funny how it smells like sulfur and beans in here now?

I'm so sorry. But yeah, when do you start farting in front of girls? You know, I think you got to get it out of the way right away. First date, just fart. Like, this is me. Hey, I'm Jake. Nice to know. Oh, where are you going?

There's like, it is weird how much you go. You go from like, no farting in a relationship, super cute. The first time you do, it's kind of a moment. It's like, oh, you're comfortable around me. That's a beautiful thing. You giggle. And then you start like getting too comfortable around somebody. You're farting too much.

They smell awful. And then like... But there's no returning. You can't go back to holding it in. Once you let the first one out, it's literally the flood of gas gates opening, and then it's open forever. You can't shut that door again. So I think that, I guess my...

I have two pieces of advice here. One, what if I just restarted the podcast now through that? It was a flood. The first two minutes of absolute messiness was fine, but don't like, say I have two pieces of advice. Oh my God. Absolutely not. This is if you're scolding me in the rain on its front step right now.

You can come back next week. We'll try to do the podcast again. We don't have to release one every Monday. You stutterer. You stutterer. You're a stutterer, sir. And you stuttered your words. All right.

So the two pieces of advice I have are, number one, you should use this as, you know, it's shepherding your relationship into the next stage. It's nice. Finally, you know, you might not be in the honeymoon stage anymore, but now you're in this like, this other growth period. You're comfortable around each other. Yeah. Be yourselves.

Let your farts rip. That's beautiful. Piece of advice number two, go to the bathroom, turn both the faucets on, run the water as hard as possible, drop your pants, spread your butt cheeks and squat down. That's just going to be a loud air fart. No one's going to hear that. She will not know it happened.

Jesus Christ. I'm not saying I did it. No, no, no. I'm just saying you forgot to include the part where you use two of her toothbrushes to keep your stinger muscle wide enough to let the air pass through and that your ass cheeks rippling together. No, that's what I call the honeymoon stage. That's the plier effect is what it's called.

I also do that while burping. So what I'll do is stick two of my middle fingers down my esophagus and just stretch my throat out so wide that it's just a constant stream of silent gas instead of a burping noise. It's just like a... And then it ends with you vomiting because your fingers are just that far down your throat. Have you ever done the spreading your ass cheeks out?

Do you do into a sink or... No, no. I mean, the sink is there to... I've never done this. So I imagine the sink could be there to, you know, there's some noise... Yeah, to cancel it out. Right. Have you done it though?

I will... Well, podcast is cutting out. There's some kind of bad reception here. Cut through a tunnel. Okay. Anyway, yeah. So ha ha ha ha, right? Next question.

This one's from Don. Well done. In the office I work in, we have a lady who that sits nearby and eats her lunch at her desk each day. Very sad. The issue is she brings in this one meal in most days of the week and it smells very bad. It's this sort of microwavable Asian noodle dish

and it smells very pungent. It almost burns your nose. My friend and I can only describe it as smelling what we think MSG might smell like along with large amounts of sodium. It takes about 30 minutes for the smell to die down in the room or in dot dot dot gross. My friend and I comment how bad it smells. Basically, what would you do if you had to tell someone at work

about her food that she brings in every day? No, don't tell her. You dick. He didn't tell her. He was just asking what he should do. He said, oh, okay. I thought it was like, how do we tell her? Yeah.

Well, yeah, pretty much. Don't tell her. Oh, so you're saying not just tell her. Yeah. Why? Her life is so sad. She eats the Asian noodle dish every single day. When if he's sadder?

She eats an Asian noodle dish alone in her cubicle every day. She doesn't like doing that. Don't go up to her and be like, hey. Everybody hates you. You are the talk of the office. You're disgusting. Oh, not in a good way. Not in a good way.

Maybe this is the one nice part of her day. She just loves this Asian noodle dish. She hates this job. She's like, I don't work in a cubicle all day. But I have one half hour of respite where I just get to eat my Asian noodle dish. My extra salty buckwheat soba noodles right at my desk. But isn't it nicer to let her know that like, hey, everyone's talking about this. If you stop, you'll be held in a higher regard to everyone in the office.

I think no matter what, her reputation will always be the lady that eats the smelly noodles. She is either the one that's currently doing it or the one that used to do it. So you might as well let her live her life in ignorant or blissful ignorance. What could happen is if she's quitting, you should say, hey, at your new job, you shouldn't eat those noodles. Because as you're firing her, take a seat. One, your noodle dish, awful smell. Two, you're very depressing, not a good worker.

Yeah, most of all, you're a bad worker. I guess my advice is you could invite her to lunch sometime. Maybe, you know, get her. She brings the dish. We drop the noodles. Or you and your buddy could start leaving the office for lunch. Go eat somewhere else. That could be nice.

Get out of the office. Then you can avoid the smell. Then you have to time your lunch to when she leaves. Well, when she starts, like, you, the ding, that's it. The ding of her noodles being ready in the microwave is when you go. It should be a gun going off noise. Can you guys racing out of the office? I really think you just have to suck it up.

I think it's so, I'm so sad for this woman. I don't feel bad for you that has to smell it. I feel bad for this lady that eats it every single, every single day of microwavable Asian noodle dish. That can't be healthy. Unless she's eating, like, only kale salad for dinner and, like, a nice breakfast smoothie every morning. She's not having, she's not getting her nutrients. Yes, it seems like she's unhealthy. So, Jake says, don't say anything.

I say, I mean, I would, in theory, you should say, hey, can you not? Like, if it's your buddy, you could be like, yo, your lunch smells like shit, dude. Maybe find one of her friends to tell her. Right. Maybe that's a good idea. Yeah. I don't have a genuine conversation where you're like, if you're eating microwavable noodles at your desk every day, odds are you don't have any friends.

Right. You're, well, you have friends, it's the noodles. Yeah. You eat your friends every day. You want to take your friends away from her. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist,

is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area. But BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist. And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. It's incredibly helpful. Therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years. So give therapy a try.

It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy. It's been very helpful. So you can find that balance better with BetterHelp. All you got to do is go to betterhelp.com. If I were you, you do that today, you can get 10% off your first month. So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help.

And it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp.com. If I were you, check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. To create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one, or you want to sell stuff online, you can do an online store. They have 24 seven live customer support, email campaigns, data. You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace.

For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld is a good dude.com. I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me. Or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life and maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com. If I were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code. If I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial.

Everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you. Squarespace. Next question. Next question. Hey guys, I hooked up with one of my friends for about a week.

One morning after I left her apartment, she told me she didn't want to keep it up because she was developing real feelings for me and she couldn't do that because she was moving across the country after college. I'm sorry. We're already laughing at how huge of a lie that is. I just don't want to see you anymore because I'm falling for you. And I can't care about you as much as I do because I'm leaving. Sorry, you just smell like Asian noodles. Can you get out of my room? She said we could still be friends and I was totally cool with how it ended.

Since then, we haven't talked and every time we run into each other, she avoids eye contact and tries to stay as far away as possible. You know what it is? She's probably so freaked out because she never felt like this before about anybody. Oh God, I can't fall in love with you. You see what girls do, man? They shut down. The more they love somebody, they shut down. They build up these walls.

And what you've got to do is you've got to get a battery ran to break through the walls. She's fucking inviting you over. She loves you. Obviously. Why else would she tell you that she's moving across the country to avoid you and that she couldn't develop any feelings for you? Yeah, you know what you say? Say, what are you so afraid of, baby? I'm coming with you.

How do you like that? Now you don't have to be afraid of me anymore, right? We're being sarcastic assholes, but the gist is this girl sounds like she's not telling you the truth. She's telling you the nicest thing she could possibly do to stop hooking up with you. Right. This is tough love and we don't need to make fun of you. I'm sure you're a great person. It's just that we want a funny podcast, too.

So we'll jeopardize and use you as collateral damage. We'll lose one fan to gain other ones that like when we're mean to people. Don't you get what we're doing? Everyone else stops listening because we're huge jerks. We write every single person who writes in a question a personal apology for the way we treated them. Thanks for the question, but we are sorry about how we answered it. But it is true. I mean, everyone's been there before.

It's not like you're unique where a girl didn't know how to tell you that she wanted to stop being with you. Right. I wish this girl would actually ask us for advice because I would not give advice. If you don't want to be hooking up with someone, you shouldn't be like, Hey, I can't do this because I like you too much. Nobody has ever meant that genuinely. Nobody has ever been self-aware enough to be like, You know what?

I'm developing real feelings for you, but I'm moving away and I just I got to cut it off right now. People are so selfish about their feelings. If she liked you, she would just be like, Yeah, I'm moving. Non-stop. Let's do it. Long distance. Yeah.

Nobody is that rational about love. Wow. I just realized nobody is that rational about love. You're crying. I'm sorry. You're weeping. Holy crap. I cannot believe this.

You're so uncool. Your own answer moved you to tears. You add. You small man. You smug little prick. You're writing it down. Holy shit, you're getting a tattoo on you. Is this fucking happening right now?

Where did you get a tattoo needle? You're using a big pen. Nobody is that rational about love. It's not even that good. It's definitely okay. Tattoo-worthy though. Jesus. Holy shit, he's on Cafe Press.

Even more so insane, he's getting it on a mug. Nobody is that rational about mug. She's holding that cup of coffee in the office. Saying hi to the woman who eats Asian noodles every morning. So our advice is to let the friendship and relationship die. Let her move on. It's already gone. It's already over.

You had something. You lost it. You're better for it because you experienced the highs and lows of having and losing someone. And now you can find someone who wants to be with you, despite being afraid of developing feelings for you. That doesn't make... Look, just listen to yourself, man. It's obviously a lie.

What if she's like... She's being real and honest. This woman's amazing. She's like, I just don't want to hurt you, but I care so much about you. It's like the most selfless thing anybody's ever done. And we're just ridiculing it for five minutes. This is us keeping Romeo and Juliet apart from each other. Just because we're making fun of them.

They're going to play this at their wedding. Their love was so real. They were going to birth a future president of the United States, and we've just ruined that. We also told the kid in the beginning to sell weeds. Please don't follow our advice. Yeah. I think that should be a disclaimer in every one of our episodes,

that our advice is usually probably, number one, the priorities to be humorous, and two, it's to be accurate. So probably don't follow our advice. So go after her. Go to her. No one is that rational about love, including you. Put your head in front of her tires as she's backing out of her. I dare you.

She does it. Oh, no. We get sued. Mercy. Oh, this is something I wanted to say at one point. This is our first plug. We're going to be part of the College Humor all nighter this Thursday. That's Thursday, May 23rd.

And if you're listening to this afterwards, sorry you missed it. But if you're listening to it before Thursday, May 23rd, we're going to be part of the live cast. We're going to be live casting an entire, like, all night. And part of the live cast is going to be me and Jake doing a live stream if I were you, which is pretty fun. We've never done it live before. Yeah.

And actually we might take in callers, which would be really awesome. Yeah, that would be really fun. So look out for that. We're also going to be making lots of funny videos, and other people are going to be there. Lots of funny comedians are making videos all night. So check it out regardless of whether or not you want to see it live if I were you. Yeah.

Next question from Peggy. If... Sorry. This is not editing this. No, we're not. I can't read it anymore. Okay. A guy named Peggy says,

I've just started dating a girl. Things are going really well, although she keeps texting me at work all the time. It's kind of cute, I guess. But I also have a lot of work to do. What should I do to get her to text me less without just ignoring her? It's so transparent that it's not kind of cute, I guess. She hates it so much.

She just eats that. It's kind of cute, I guess. That's just one, like... If you like that kind of thing. If she's listening. Like, I said it was kind of cute. I guessed. I guessed it was kind of cute.

Isn't that good? Better than knowing it's cute? And part of me thinks it's adorable, and part of me wants to strangle you. I guess... I guess... I mean, well, why don't you just stop responding? Because then it's like,

oh, you're ignoring me. And then the text come in even faster. Why are you ignoring me? Where are you weaning out with your boss? Oh my God. Just like, during a board meeting. Everyone is just like, kind of ignoring it, but we can all hear your phone buzzing in your pocket.

Incessantly. Yeah, so what do you do to get someone to text you less? Text you? God, that's such like a... It's a very rare problem. I feel like most of the time I'm like, trying to get people to text me more. Sending out those texts, you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah. Sending out those... Oh, shit. This is my cool persona, you guys ready? Sending out those texts. I mean, you know what I mean? You're getting texts and shit. All right, all right.

Yeah, text coming in, text going out. Okay, okay. I'm ready to skip this question to get you to shut up. I think you just have to, you know, respond less and less frequently with fewer words. And then you should of course send that one reassuring text. It's like, hey, I'm thinking about you two. I'm just really busy today.

Oh. And then as you have those busier days, she's like, oh, I get it, you're at work. You know? I don't think you have to be like, listen, don't text me at work. I feel like that's too like aggressive. But, you know, if you just respond less and less

and always apologize, say, I wish I could talk to you more. I'm just really busy. Okay, next question. This one comes from Joan in Syracuse. It says, I just finished my freshman year at the College of... I'm such an idiot. Yeah.

I can't even read. We're taking down the podcast. Unfortunately, Blooms can't read the questions. Sorry, folks. I'm illiterate now. I just finished my freshman year of college at Syracuse University and I didn't really like it because there were too many leggings and ugg boots.

So I applied to transfer. Now I'm deciding if I should go back to school at Syracuse next year or if I should go to the College of Wooster in Ohio. I like that. Those are her two choices. She went to Syracuse and then she applied to one other college. It's got to be somewhere cold. It's got to be Wooster.

The people at College of Wooster seem cooler, but the academics aren't as good. What should I do? You know, I thought it would be interesting to bring in my girlfriend who actually went to Syracuse University and almost transferred. It's pathetic. Well, it's pathetic.

You're trying to bring your girlfriend on this show since we started the show. She didn't really go to Stanford. Or she didn't go to Syracuse. She didn't go to Syracuse? I'm not even sure you have a girlfriend, actually. Okay, Amir is putting on a wig. All right, so Laura, you went to Syracuse University, right?

Uh-huh. Yeah, I did. And how was it as a freshman? I hated it. Because of too many leggings and ugg boots? Um, there were definitely a lot of leggings and ugg boots and also, like, those sweatpants that say juicy on that. Oh, wow.

Dude, that's where I should have gone. They weren't enough of those juicy sweatpants at Hunter. It's funny that they were wearing sweatpants in, like, negative 20-degree temperatures, right? Yeah, it's pretty absurd. I mean, I, like, rolled into class in legitimate pajamas. I was like, I'm a disgusting monster. Which is true.

Yeah. So did you apply to transfer anywhere? Uh, I didn't. I think I looked online at, like, you know, I mean, I was also kind of lazy. But I looked online at... You also only applied to Wooster. Yeah.

I just didn't get in. Trust me, I wanted out. I was waitlisted for three years at Wooster. It had to be, like, effects snow. That was, like, the one requirement. Uh, you know, I looked into it and I looked into what it would take to transfer. Uh, and then I went back to my second semester

and it got better, as they say on the internet. It gets better. I know. What gets better? If you're having an awful freshman year, why would it get better? Uh, I think, you know, like, my freshman floor kind of sucked

and it was a lot of, like, sorry for anyone was saying that. All you girls on the freshman floor, you know who you are. Y'all were bitches. You and your Ugg boots, juicy sweatpants bitches. Laura was the one wearing Ugg boots, giving everyone swirlies.

Yeah, I was really mean. Bully girls give people swirlies. I don't think that happens anymore. Um, yeah, I don't know. I found, I found cooler people. Like, I actually, I think the nice thing about Syracuse is there's so many lame people there that it makes it kind of easier to find

the, like, cool, interesting, fun people. That's interesting. So, uh, yeah, I don't know. I think that's, like, a kind of universal college experience, too. Yeah. Like, I didn't enjoy my freshman year. I did transfer.

But, like, you went to, like, five different schools. Yeah. Every year was your freshman year. Is this? What? I was gonna, I was on your site. I'm not even recording right now.

This is a goddamn intervention. I think he's calling my dad. Laura and Amir are calling my dad. Hello? Yep. No. I have no son named Jake. No!

That's just because you have the wrong number, though. I, but I do think that, like, you know, it's just not easy to find your people after one year. Yeah. It takes, it takes some time. Well, I think what it is, is freshman year you're forced to hang out with people on your floor.

Right. And then sophomore year, you start developing, like, hobbies and you start hanging out with people that you want to hang out with. I mean, it's just, like, high school. Does anybody, like, remember their freshman year of high school, fondly?

Yes. You do? No. It was horrible. Sorry, I answered before you said fondly. I don't remember. Does anyone remember their freshman year of high school?

Yeah, it was the worst year of my life. Fondly? No! So your advice would be stick it out? Yeah, it was worth it. I mean, I, I don't know. I started doing improv comedy. Yeah, that's what you should do.

Yeah. Find the, find like, Do improv. Well, I mean, not necessarily, but find something that you're into and, like, start doing that, like a club or some sort of activity. Yeah.

And that's how you meet. You sound like a goddamn Wooster alum. Honestly. All right. So there it is, Joan. Stick it out. Unless you hate the weather and the school and the people.

At which point, But if it's just leggings and Ugg boots, stick it out. Cool. Last question. This one comes from Lane Price. Hey, guys. Whoa, it's dark.

Hanging himself and then writing this email. Hey, guys. So my girlfriend, who I love, is almost a year... Every time I mess up, I'm like, let's start over. Let's start over. And then I'm like, no,

because saying let's start over, it might be better than actually starting over. It's like the same exact emotional roller coaster. So what's going to happen right now? Are you starting over? Are you not editing at all? No, it's too late, obviously. All right.

Lane Price writes, Hey, guys. So my girlfriend, who I love, of almost a year, keeps going on these crazy conspiracy rants about the government, corporations, and religion. This kind of weirds me out because I prefer having

a more relaxed outlook on life. Yes, so relaxed that you spent a year dealing with her insane rants and haven't broken up with her. It just comes home and there's lipstick all over the wall. 9-11 was an inside job. Crazy weird math problems.

Or regular math problems. Still crazy and weird. Yeah. So how can we resolve these differences? I can't believe you waited a year to write to us. Well, I can. The podcast has only existed for a week. Oh, yeah, there we go.

I can't believe you waited a year to break up with her. Yes. That is, I mean... Would you say that's a deal breaker? It sounds like she's a crazy bag lady screaming at a wall. The rants are about

government slash corporations slash religion. Why do you love anybody that goes on crazy rants like that? What if it's like only once every other week? That's too much. I feel like I could be in a situation where one crazy rant would be enough. Really?

I really do. I think I can handle one every other month. One every other month? What if it was like something you fundamentally disagreed with? If somebody you cared about was just like... Oh, I have no strong opinions about anything. Well, I guess neither does this guy.

So stay with her. You are the yin to her yang. You're perfect for her. You know what? You should just start going on the rants, too. You heighten it. Get even crazier than her. She's so far gone.

If you got even further, she has to meet you. She has to pull back. She's like, hey, you got to chill out. You think 9-11 was an inside job? I don't even think we're real. How do you like that? You're a robot.

I think Thanksgiving is an inside job. Huh? Think about that. Cool. I think that's all the time we have for this episode. But we will be back next Monday. As usual, you can email us at... If I were you, show at gmail.com.

Again, we're so thrilled and overwhelmed and excited about all the awesome feedback. You know, you could just email us to say that you have notes about the show. You like it. You have suggestions, tips, comments, concerns. I don't read that or appreciate it, but I mean, yeah, shout into a black void of nothingness.

Hell, that's what the internet is, anyway. That's what my life is. Yes, thank you so much. Any last words, Jake? Oh, you know, we should remind people to review and write about our podcast on iTunes, because that's what helps make it available to more people. That's true.

Unless you hate the podcast, in which case... You know, reviews don't do much. Yeah, one star, two star. That's not gonna bring down our average. Yeah, do five. If you hate our show, oh, that'd be funny. So it's like, I hate your show. Oh, oh, that would really get us.

If you have a five star review. Don't do that. We'll be so pissed. So if you love it, five star review, genuine, hate it, five star star cast review. Oh, that'll rub me the wrong way. Okay. Yeah, thanks so much for listening.

Oh, we have one last intro song to get through today. This one was by Brett Fields, and we'll end with it. So thanks so much for listening, too. Hey, real quick, I just realized that said, if I read the show starts now, that's because it's usually gonna start the show with that. I thought it said that dot com at the end.

Oh, really? Yeah. Okay. Damn it, I shouldn't have said anything. Well, we can edit that out, right? Later, everybody. Okay.