If I Were You - 322: Hall Pass (w/Billy Scafuri!)

Episode Date: April 2, 2018

Friend and comedian Billy Scafuri joins us to discuss hip hop, long hair days, and Billy's new short film "Triple Kiss!"See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Amir Rendek, her wits, if I were you show is the coolest, headgum videos are the neatest. If you send a question they will read it, they'll think of great advice and they'll speak it. Jep the dumb mass rep in Cleveland, this is what you want, this is what you want, this is what you want, this is what you want, huh. Oh, damn, finish strong. You guys got Kendrick?

You got the parody? Kendrick sounds weird when he's not mixed in master. I didn't know that that was a Kendrick Lamar parody, but that's what he said. Did you know that it was? I knew it was familiar, but I would not have ever placed this song. Do you know what the song is called? No, but I could rap some of the lyrics. Okay, go for it.

At one point they go, I'll be blacking out, I'll be blacking out. That's cool. The weekend. The weekend. The weekend, yeah. He says that at some point. He does that at the weekend. And the realist maybe?

Yeah. Rappers love the weekend. Yeah. You never hear anyone rapping about Tuesday afternoon. Actually, they say going up on a Tuesday. Oh yeah, that's true. You never hear Eminem rap about Wednesday. Actually, he says.

I was waiting for it. My name is Slim Wednesday. Billy Scafiri in the house, I should say that that person is named the Maktastic Gorilla, that's who made the song for us. Okay, did he make the beat? The Maktastic Gorilla. I guess he took the beat from that Kendrick Lamar song, The King's Dead. And he said, instead of shouting out a sound cloud, can you shout the solutions project

instead? Its focus is to transition everything into 100% renewable clean energy. Okay, but what about that sound cloud? I mean, get that link out. Let's hear the rap though. What's his name? Maktastic? Yeah.

Yeah, the Maktastic Gorilla. Maktastic Gorilla shouting out clean energy is really funny. Yeah, sounds like he does have a sound cloud, but I guess he's above promoting that. He wants us to talk about clean renewable energy. His sound cloud's good. Clean renewable energy is in the shitter. Billy, you're an amateur rapper. What'd you think of that?

I thought that was hot, hot fire. Really? Hot fire. Like, I'm going to need that sound cloud link ASAP Gorilla. I'm going to need that Gorilla sound cloud link. Do you still listen to new hip hop or are you just like more of like a classic hip hop kind of guy? I still listen to new hip hop.

Like, do you know what's new and cool in hip hop? I don't know what's cool. Definitely don't know what's cool. Okay. Like, people say 21 Savage. Do you guys hear people say 21 Savage? I've heard, yeah. Could you name a 21 Savage?

Like, I probably could sing 21 Savage songs, but I don't know. I don't even know what that is. You've never heard that? No. Okay. Yeah, I don't think I could. But I bet if I heard it, I would be like, oh, I know 21 Savage. Can you guys name who's the coolest, like, young, youthful rapper that the kids have?

Well, I got a good one. Okay. Lil Uzi Vert. Oh, that's a good one. Can you top Lil Uzi Vert, Jake? No, because I was going to say Post Malone, but I think Lil Uzi Vert. Lil Uzi Vert, I think. What about Migos?

That's three of them. That's three rappers. Oh, that's a group. Yeah. So Quavo, is it? Quavo, Offset. Oh. Have you heard these names or Offset?

I've heard, yeah, I've heard of Quavo and not really Offset, but there's a third person in Migos. Yes. I think so. Offset's Marion Cardi B. I get, wow. Congrats. That's a big one.

They've actually been on and off since age 15. This is a self-help group of dads trying to figure out how to talk to their kids. I know. By the way, are you talking to Tyler? How do you learn? He's still in his room. I know all my hip-hop from House of Highlights clips, so it has to be loosely related to basketball.

Right. But how do you know about Lil Uzi Vert? Do you listen to the radio? Is it Spotify? Yeah, I listen. Well, both. I listen to the Rap Caviar playlist on Spotify. There you go.

I listen to hip-hop radio. So we know what the cream rises to the top level of hip-hop, but you're not trying to discover new hip-hop. Billy checks out mixtapes. Yeah. Billy likes the underground rap battles. There's a car wash by me that has some badass mixtapes that they sell for a dollar at the trunk.

I mean, a lot of unhearned hype. Are you a rap fan? Were you actually rap fans at any point in your life? Yeah, like Eminem and Jay-Z. Right. Yeah. I'm like the biggest rap fan now at 32 that I have ever been. Oh, you peak now?

Really? I'm peaking now, yeah. Because like in the mid-20s, like when you were in your mid-20s, that was Blink 182 or mid-20s? I guess that's all I had to attempt to do. I think in the mid-20s, I was going through like the, some sort of like... Indie rock? Yeah, Indie rock, tambourine and clapping.

Yeah, yeah. Very yes, sir. Same, very yes. I belong with you. You belong with me in my sweet home. Just luminaires on loop? Sure. The whole The Luminaires song is because it still gets played as if it's new.

Was that a contemporary of like crash into me? Like I have no, like Dave Matthews band, like... Oh yeah. Dave Matthews band exploded and 12 bands came out of him. That's true. The Luminaires, Monsters and Men. That's right. All of those.

That's true. Mumford and Son. It's like, do you guys ever see Nightmare Before Christmas? Are you familiar with that movie? Yes. Yeah. Oogie Boogie is the bad guy at the end and they unzip him and then all the little creatures come running out of Oogie Boogie.

Right. That's Dave Matthews. That's Dave Matthews. They unzip him and all these alt bands just started... Jason Mraz. Skittles away. I do love that Dave is the fucking grandfather, man. Is he still playing?

Dave's still out there and still touring? Yeah. I saw him two years ago. Really? Yeah, I went to a concert. I went to a Dave concert two years ago. Did he play Ant's Marching? He sure did, Billy.

You think he has to still play Ant's Marching? I think he still does make new music, but I don't... He knows. I think he knows what's up. He's like a touring band now. He's like fish or something. Right. Because we saw Pearl Jam and they played all the hits.

They closed with Jeremy and we're like, great. That's exactly why we're here. I guess you would think that that's maybe a little unsatisfying as an artist. Of course. Like, oh, nobody likes my new shit. Right. But then at a certain point, it must be freeing. Be like, all right, I don't have to write me more songs.

Harvard Sailing Team. That's our sketch comedy now. It's like we've written 500 sketches. So you're just looking through a catalog and choose one? Quite literally. Quite literally. The week before our shows sit down and be like, we have these 500 sketches to choose from.

What do we want to do? It's like when you're 12 years of being sketch comedy team, you do that. You want to write something new now. Dave Matthews can't talk about what it is to fall in love for the first time again. And we don't care. We just want to hear him crash into people. I want to hear Satellite. Yeah.

Why do you think it's hard to make new good songs? Is it because it's like kind of random and like you get lucky once but it's hard to get lucky again? Or are you actually aging out of your artistry? I wonder. Probably a little bit of both. I would imagine. Like who bursts onto the scene as an amazing 58-year-old?

Right. Paul Simon looked 58 when he burst onto the scene. Oh, Susan Boyle. Oh! Dave caught. Have you heard her new shit though? Susan Boyle really fell off. That's my favorite rapper.

Susan Boyle. Vegas residency coming. I would love to see Susan Boyle sing the chorus on a Big Sean song. Oh, check the internet in like three hours. I'm alive. I will do it. All right. What is this?

This is an advice podcast. It's called If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by Jake and I. Sometimes just Jake and I. Sometimes we have a best friend and today our best friend is Billy. Who knows how many times you've been on the show at this point? Yeah. At least, wait, is this the third or fourth?

Maybe three solo? There was one where we ate a Filet-O-Fish right after. So the two that I remember are Billy was on right after Trump was elected and then Billy was on and convinced us to eat a fish filet. Hey, I didn't forget to miss you. So the two worst things that have ever happened. That's fair. The two worst things that have ever happened are directly.

Trump is a human Filet-O-Fish. When bad things are in the air, Billy comes on your podcast. I will say though, I did not make us get Filet-O-Fish. You had never had one either. I was of the mind that I've never had one and I'm just curious what they taste like. And you said, after this podcast, let's go to McDonald's and get one. That does sound like me, I guess. And we did that.

So that was my fault. I also, I'll take responsibility for the whole Trump thing, too. All right. You said, let's try it. What's the worst that can happen? That's what he said. His hair is the half slice of cheddar cheese that they put on the sandwich. We did.

I got a lot of tweets sent my way about facts about the Filet-O-Fish. I'm sure you guys did, too. And they do go half slice cheese, which is just like. So bizarre. What a choice. What a choice. Why? You're starting with a slice.

Just like drop the slice. You know what's another weird choice, though, in fast food is the Subway sandwich, which just does a triangle out of the top of the sub. Like everywhere else just fucking, you cut. You cut a triangle of cheese, you mean. You know what? They don't do this anymore. I think now they do cut it in half.

I remember the triangle slice. The triangle in the beginning, it was just like a triangle. So they cut, they slice the square of cheese diagonally instead of like across the middle. Yeah. They split the diamond. They split the diamond. Real strong choice. I always thought that was because they thought that when they close the sandwich, it'll look

like like fun ribbons, like a grand opening, like ribbon parade hanging out of their sandwich. Yeah. That's my guess. Subway is so bad. It's crazy. Do you like Subway? I like Subway. You kind of have all-American tastes.

Yeah. I'll eat a Subway when there's nothing around. Like I'm not that person who's like, I don't do Subway. You know what I mean? But coming from New York and Long Island, you're raised on real delis. You'll do. So like you see the triangles of cheese and you're like, Jesus Christ is going to be one of these days.

You know what I mean? That smells really good in there. Yeah. Just melt it all together on one thing. Yeah. There's a, I've eaten Subway a couple of times when there's nothing else around and there's always a moment like halfway through a Subway sandwich and you're just like, oh no. It's happening.

This isn't, this isn't right. Digestion's happening. Oh no. But like when you're driving, say you guys are on tour and you're driving from like one Midwestern city to the other and you have a long road in between. Yeah. And like you see those six highway signs with like your six options coming up. It's like the hot places get like sweaty on the road.

You know what I mean? Like there's something nice about like Subway. There's not a lot of like heat. The problem is like when you're already slumming it, like you'd rather have the fried food. Just go all in. Yeah. You'd rather just get a big mac on the road. Yeah.

Exactly. Like when are you slumming? Oh, you'd rather slum it with Subway than slum it with McDonald's. Subway. Totally. They got you with their eat fresh shit. That's not, it's not real. Yes.

Jared was not that thin by the end. I'm going to fucking say it. I can say it now because he, he fucks children. He's been holding this one in, but like it wasn't that slim. Yeah. Like he got down to probably still a little bit fat. Like he like kept holding out a big pair of pants, but they could have just bought a big pair of pants.

Honestly, he was gaining weight and they were buying bigger pants. I wonder if you think he's going to come back. That's a very bad fact. Is he in jail for life? He's, is that a jail for life type stitch? I don't know. I don't. I feel like no.

I feel like you get out of jail for murder. Right. Are we getting Jared? Are we getting Jared Fogel back on here? He's going to come back and do Quiznos. I just want to know if we can expect a big Jared coming back out. It said sentenced to more, yeah, he got 15 years. Oh, we're going to see him again.

Because he could come out. It'd be really funny if he came out jacked. Jacked. This is what I was going to say. Prison Jack. He could have like so many different body transformations that America has been watching. Oh man. That's so strange.

Prison Jacked is a pretty scary Jack. Yeah. So Jared, you, he lost a lot of money, a lot of weight used in a subway, but you really got to try and go to jail. Jail. The new diet. Jail read. All right.

Let's get started. These are real emails from real people. All we need is a guy's name to preserve this real humans anonymity. Do you have a fake man's name, Billy? Jared Togel. Oh, who could he be talking about? We don't know. No idea who that represents.

No idea. Jared Togel writes, I have a problem. I've been dating my current girlfriend for close to three years. We're dating in college and we've been doing long distance for most of those three years. And it's been awesome. She's a freaking diamond. I love her to bits, but there's one thing that's been bothering me. For the past calendar year, I've been growing, excuse me, my hair out.

I've always wanted to grow my hair out really long. And this is the first time out of all the times I've grown it out where I've gone in it this long. And I love it. Can you guess where this is going? My girlfriend hates it. She liked my hair a lot when it was short, but I like it now. And I'm at this point where I'm way too nervous to get it cut even a little bit out of fear

of not liking it for that short amount of time where it has to grow back out. I like my hair, but not a day goes by where I don't hear something about it. It's stuff like you should cut it. You look like a girl. It's stuff like I have dreams about you with having short hair where I want to have sex with you so bad. Ugh, why won't you just cut it? There was even one time where she told me that me going down on her made her feel uncomfortable

because it looked like a girl was eating her out. One time I got really pissed because she did something that upset me and she tried to use how I won't cut my hair as a parallel to what she did. If this gets really bad she'll tell me how me not cutting my hair for her is a sign that I don't care about her because if I really loved her I'd groom myself and try to look good for her. The thing is I keep it clean and I think I look good in it. I've confronted her about this constantly, about how she's berating me over having long

hair makes me feel super shitty. I've even just asked to keep it to herself just to spare me since I like it so much but every day or so it's why won't you cut your hair. I'm not about to break up with her over this hair. Do you guys have advice? It sounds like it's weighing on you very heavily. You might be considering it. Do you guys have advice or maybe a different way to approach it or should I just give in

and cut it? Or am I just over-inflating the issue and being a bitch extraordinaire? Thanks a lot, lads. Love, Jared Togel. Wow. That's a tough one. That's a hairy situation. Nice.

I'll be seeing you guys later. I'm going to walk off stage now. Studio catches fire. Do either of you guys, sorry. Well, Jake is growing his hair. That's why I thought it would be a good question to read. I'm not necessarily growing it. Well, I guess I haven't gotten it cut in a long time.

It looks very good. But you do do these things where you grow your hair for a while or you grow your beard for a while. Firstly, why do you do that? I don't know. For me, it baffles me people that have one haircut or one beard style forever. You like changing it up? Yeah.

You change it up to the point that it almost disgusts you by the end and you're like, I have to fucking get rid of this. Yeah, I like playing in extremes. When my beard, right now my beard is like three months long, I think. Yeah. And it feels kind of gross. But I love the feeling of shaving it. I don't know.

There's something satisfying about it. But you've been a lot, I think the grossest thing you've done is like grow your beard for like six or eight months. Yeah. And it was long. I did like six months. Yeah. That was hard.

Even your mom was like, you should trim. Everybody told me I needed to. Yeah. Which is like the thing that will make you never do. I was in a bet with Streeter then. Oh, with your beard and his hair. Yeah. That was the reason I did this.

I think that beard ended up being like six months. Right. And you're blessed with good hair though. Make no mistake. Like Amir, when we were working out this morning, I was like, wow, you just came back from Israel, like you could use a haircut. I haven't seen your hair this long before. And we both realized like our hair, me and Amir's hair, like grows out.

Like out and up a little. We don't have like the hair that like yours just like flows down. Yeah. And it's like fun, Jake. You know, like you can like do all sorts of cool styles. You can slick back. You can like tuck behind your ears. Yes.

You can tuck in all sorts of different areas on the skull. Yeah. I mean, I think you guys. Amir's is better than mine. You know, you guys would both have great long hair. No. You'd be a silver one. I mean, these are two guys who know that as fact.

It would just be thick Jewfro for me. I don't know what yours looks like long. I'm not Jewish, but I have a Jewfro. 100%. Like it doesn't grow. There's no gravity that like pushes my hair down at some point and like I can like slick it around. Yeah.

At a certain point it would have to hit your shoulders, but like. I don't know. I think it grows up like large symptoms. I feel like I have this conversation with people about beards all the time too. You told me that you couldn't grow a beard once and so, and so. I still think so. Yeah. No, you, you grow a nice beard.

It's kind of like patchy. You can. No, that's a good beard. You can still see my like skin underneath it. I think I think that's a sign of a not good beard. Okay. But to each her own. Anyway, have you ever gotten shit from your lady about growing?

Not from Jill, but yeah, I've gotten shit from ladies before. Yeah. And does it, do you take it to heart? Do you have to take it to heart? I think if you care about somebody, you like sort of automatically take it to heart, but then also if they care about you, then they should respect when you like something. It's a really. I see it from both sides.

Yeah. It's like, I don't know. It's like if a lady was growing her hair out, um, it wouldn't bother me, but like if, if somebody I was seeing was like, I'm going to get a bunch of tattoos on my face. I feel like I'd have to say like, don't do that. Right. I think the more equivalent is like if you were dating somebody and she was like, I'm going to shave my head.

Oh yeah. That's like a female extreme. Yeah. And that's a tough one because it's like, you do, you, it's your body. You could do whatever you want. Right. But at the same time, remember that there was like a whole friends episode where it was like Ross being like, now that she shaved her head, she's completely unusable to me.

Oh, that episode, not age well. A lot of friends episodes actually didn't. It's a great show. A lot of things did it in retrospect. Yeah. A lot of people didn't. Actually what, what the equivalent to me is like. Chandler didn't age well either.

Shaved head is one thing that is kind of unfortunate, but what I dislike more than that is armpit hair. Like growing up like in a lady growing out her armpit hair, like I was like, you know, well, I don't know, for whatever reason, where like that would kind of gross me out to a point where that would be quote unquote worse for me than shaving a head. I hear that. Yeah. But I think at the same time, I can't be like, you have to do this for me.

Right. I don't think that anyone should ever have the ownership over another person to like say like, you need to do this now. Right. You know, especially not a significant other. You hope that like there's a level of respect where you could make a suggestion and not say we need to end this relationship because your hair is a little too long. Do you get, do you get a ladies being like, you got to cut your hair?

I mean, like when I don't, when I like, I Marine will suggest sometimes like, hey, it's time to get a haircut, but that's not like anything like this. It's not like get it or I'm not attracted to you. Yeah. It doesn't shatter all of these things. I think it all comes back to like some kind of communication where like, so say you're with somebody that was growing out their armpit hair. Yeah.

And you're like, oh, that's like not something I'm into. Yeah. You can't relentlessly be like, you, you must shave. I'm unattracted to you. So all you can say is I don't like that. Do with that information what you will. Right. But I think the, I think the, the constant reminding somebody that the way you're behaving

is ugly to them. Right. And if it makes you happy, I actually think it's grounds for termination. I agree. And I think this dude should fucking let the flow flow. And I choose the hair over the girl. Yeah. Oh, I think so.

I think so. I really got a fucking amazing flow. And he's like, he's not seeing, I mean, I've never been in a long distance relationship like this before, but like, I imagine that something about like just living in the now and like saying like, this is how I'd like to look right now. You want to like experience that, but if you're just tethered to someone who you don't even see and can experience you on the day to day, yeah, that's tough. That's also what college is about is like finding out who you are like, yo man, if it

makes you happy in your heart to have long hair, get weird and like that's, that's the new you. That's a very college thing to like grow, like not cutting your hair for a year. Totally. I feel like I did that and a bunch of my friends like went a year or two just to see what the hell happened. The whole rugby team did it for me. Yeah.

We just like spent the whole season. We said no haircuts. Yeah. And I never went, I never went to college and that's why I do that shit now. I'm just trying to catch up with the longest you've gone without a haircut. Yeah. Probably like a rugby season. So like six weeks, six months or something like that.

And what did it look like? From really growing, like curly, naughty, nothing good about it. Like mine. We don't have to get into it. I'd like to see you with a beard. That's what I want to see. It'll take some work. Like check back in.

If I didn't shave now, so now it's the end of March by July, I might be near a mirror's level. Maybe I've never gotten to a mirror's level. Oh, really? Have you ever done beard? How often do you shave? I mean, I told Jake, usually when I'm writing, so if it's like a project, it'll take a month. I won't shave that entire time.

It's like just focus on something else and you've never noticed the beard. You know what I mean? Like I probably got six weeks and you've never noticed. I want to see it. One last thing I'll say about this though is that you got to ask questions in a relationship. I feel like that's the only way to actually advance things. If one half of the relationship is just saying, don't do this. I don't like this.

I don't like this. It's like try asking like, why are you growing out your hair? What do you like about it? You know what I mean? It's a lot easier to understand somebody when they tell you their motivations behind it. You know what I mean? Right. That's the question.

There's like another layer above it. Like why are you doing this? Why do you care versus cut your hair? I don't want to cut my hair. I mean, who reacts well to being told what to do? Nobody. You know? But it's like if somebody like talks you through it, it's like we all understand and

we'll make a better decision that way. Yeah. You think if this guy cuts his hair like everything will be hunky-dory the next day. No, he will be. He's going to be pissed. You'll be, you're going to be madder at your girlfriend if you cut your hair. No doubt. Definitely him cutting his hair doesn't solve the problem at all.

Especially when the cute girl on campus is like, oh, why'd you cut your hair? And he's like, who are you? You noticed my what? You know? That you noticed my? Honestly dude, Loki, that's the best take because like I know that there are people out there that fucking love this dude's hair. Of course.

So he should find out. Yeah. He should find out. Yeah. Even if they're bad in every other way, just go with a girl that wants that hair. Change your hair and choose the lady based on the hair. Not that. Keep your hair but cut yourself free.

That's beautiful. Wow. Crochet that on a pillow. A girl cut. A girl cut. A girl cut. A girl cut. A girl cut.

Wow. I've decided to get a girl cut. Wow. Go to the mall and get a girl cut. Yikes. Uh, all right. We're actually halfway through the episode so let's take a break and then we'll come back.

I want to ask you about your short film. Oh my god. Hashtag triple kiss. Thank you, Amir. On the other side of this, break. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode but the entire Head Gum network, Jake.

Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah. Not just Father's Day but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time.

Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes.

One for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now but they're great, really easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby and then it goes to their digital photo frame.

Yeah. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife and you're trying to make a joke of it.

I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like she misheard it or something like that or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant.

It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. She let her know with an Aura. Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family

in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something that could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly.

You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit Aura Frames. That's A-U-R-A frames.com.

And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is. Oh wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply.

That's Aura Frames. A-U-R-A frames.com. Okay. Go get your parent something. All right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura.

And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, but BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable

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That's betterhelp.com slash if I were you. Check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. And we're back. Triple kiss. What's the elevator pitch? You have 30 seconds. And you lost me.

Okay. That was fast. Usually during an elevator pitch, you will allow somebody to- I'll take the stairs. I'm your peaks around and leaves the elevator. No, what's the deal? What can you tell us about triple kiss? Last year, I decided to make a very weird short film, actually not far after I came

on your show. We were all kind of bumming, the three of us and the rest of the collective world outside of some people who voted for Donald Trump. And I was feeling really depressed and I wanted to turn to television or media to watch something that would just like take my mind out of it. And I couldn't find something that was just so downright silly, like it was not satire that was not like trying to make a bigger point at everything, just weird for weird sake. And I sat down on my computer and said, I'm going to make it instead of search for it.

And I wrote a 10 page script starring my weirdest friends. That's correct. I'm looking at the thumbnail now, George Basil and Adam are in it. George Basil, Adam Lustig, Mamrie Hart, and a guy named Matt Hobby. Great cast. They're all super weird in their own ways. And they all decided to read my script, buy in and say that this is also something we'd like to do and act really silly for 10 minutes.

And the whole thing cost me $500. Wow. And the reason I made it was because it reminded me. All George's feet. All George's feet. I tried to buy George a grippa weed for the day. But like when we were growing up, the three of us, or the in comedy at least, like, do you remember there's like sweaty, dumb, cheap, why are we doing the shoots?

I feel like I was like born on those shoots where I'm looking around like this is so weird. Like there's no reason to be doing this. If all of us stop for a second, we'll just be like, this is insane. This is not worth it. Yeah. And like I moved to Los Angeles and we get caught in these cycles of like, you got to sell this, you got to do this. And I just didn't make as much as I used to make.

I used to make videos and short films and all these kinds of things. And so I decided to take control back and I made this just a few months ago and I released it about a month ago on Vimeo. And it's like such a low pressure, just like really funny, silly ride. And yeah, I'd encourage anyone to watch it. It's on Vimeo. It's called Triple Kiss. And it looks great.

Yeah. I have checked it out. Yeah. So that's it. I mean, like I'm not going to try and oversell it and be like, this is going to change your life. I will say that if you want to go on like a weird Portlandia kind of like 10 minute, like weird little world.

Yeah. Weird little world. Check out Triple Kiss on Vimeo. I appreciate it. It's like pre-Trump, almost pre-9-11 weird. Wow. That's so funny. We talk about the distinction between pre-9-11 comedies and post-9-11 comedies a lot.

Adam Lustig and I do on the show. Oh, really? No joke. Because pre-9-11 comedies, like the goal was always so pithy. You know what I mean? It wasn't like a dark comedy or anything like that where it was like someone going through a hard time. It was just like big and dumb Tommy boy.

Yeah. Get our brother elected. You know what I mean? Watch him fall for 90 minutes. Yeah. And this movie is back to that where it's like, there's nothing sad. Billy Madison is just like, go to school. Yeah, exactly.

Go back to school for a bit. Yeah, exactly. Wayne's world. I mean, they're all just like big and silly. Yeah. And this movie kind of is adopted that style. Harkens back. Silly.

Just going to be silly for 10 minutes. Comedy like it's 1999. Exactly. It is. And anybody that listens to this show has heard Adam and Billy at least. Have you had Mamrie? Have you ever had Mamrie on the show? No, but we've had Basil on the show as well.

Oh, there you go. So two. Two different. Oh, yeah. I meant to say Basil, not Billy. Yeah. Obviously they've heard Billy. We've both done on the show.

You're currently hearing him. Correct. Cool. But yeah, triple kiss on Vimeo. I'd appreciate it. And thanks for letting me promote it. No doubt. Yeah.

That actually brings us to our first, only, and last segment. Billy, do you have any... Oh, it's a lift! Oh, it's a lift! Oh, it's a lift! Oh, it's a lift! Oh, it's a lift! Oh, it's a lift!

Oh, it's a lift! Oh, it's a lift! Oh, it's a lift! Oh, it's a lift! Gross. Sorry about that last part. That was not bad. Is that new?

Is that a new sting? It's a new sting. We try to use a new one every episode, but that one is the best one. That's a good sting. Lars. Good job, Lars. Unsolicited advice. A segment in which us or our guests offers some bit of guidance that people didn't necessarily

ask for. Yep. What do you got? Clean your ceiling fans, folks. Clean your ceiling fans. Wow. Have you guys cleaned your ceiling fans? I don't even have a ceiling fan.

Okay. I have two ceiling fans and I've never cleaned them. You wouldn't believe how disgusting ceiling fans get. They are caked with dust. And what does a ceiling fan do? It spins around your room all day, which means that it is just snowing. I'm looking at one right now. It is snowing micro particles of dust all day, every day, all over your home.

And a way to not have to vacuum so much and dust your home so much is to dust your ceiling fans, folks. Wow. Kill it at the source. Kill it at the source. Kill the snake by chopping off its head, Jake. Exactly. The dust even stays to the top of the ceiling because it really does just float.

Like, how does it not just all fly off? When you turn your ceiling fan off, just glance at it for a second. You are going to be horrified. You're going to be horrified by what you see. And so you'll see the dust around the edge of the ceiling fan. But if you get up, if you get on the top of the blade and look what's sitting on top of the blade, it's a nightmare, folks. Dust bunnies galore.

They're laughing at you. They're laughing at you, Jake. Those bunnies are laughing at you. That's good. How do you do it? Would you use the swiffer? Paper towel. It comes right off.

I mean, you just got to give it a graze. But like Jake said, kill it at the source. That is good. That is a perfect example of unsolicited advice. You got it. Follow-up question. What do you guys think dust is? Huh?

That would be a good example of something to look into. It's skin particles. Yes, it is. I heard that, too. I also heard it was like meteors. Right. Right, right. I guess it's probably not skin particles, right?

No, because it's fluffy. It's almost like... It's fluffy. What a counter-argument. Your skin's not fluffy and it's fluffy, so... He says this to me and I'm covered in fluffy skin. It's almost like shirt dust. Right.

But I can't use dust to describe dust. I think that it is... There's a chance that they just tell us that it's skin particles, so we'll clean it. Right. I'll tell you this. I went away for 10 days. I came back and there was dust.

Okay. But your body wasn't there. Nothing was there. Nothing was in my house. Unless rowdy teens threw a party and got skin all over your house. What is dust? How did it get in? All the windows were closed.

Dust. It arrived from somewhere. I'll say this. I just bought a bag of rice and there was a fly inside a sealed bag of rice. How did it get there? The fly had to have closed the bag after it. Oh, that's right. Like a camper in a tent.

I like that. Goes in just with his little fly hand. Close the little zip lock close. Because he's already making the Z noise because he's a fly. You guys bought a bag of rice. Somewhere else in that bag is a tiny little suicide note. If you guys buy a bag of rice at Trader Joe's, there's a fly in it. Do you go back to Trader Joe's and return it?

You get rid of the fly and eat the rice? How do you guys follow that? Throw it away. Write a note to Trader Joe's. Excuse me. Write a note. I would write an email to customer service and say there was a fly. Here's a picture.

Okay. I threw away the rice. I think you should give me free rice. So you would want then somebody in like a far off Trader Joe's to receive that and mail you a bag of rice. Going to your local Trader Joe's and just doing the quick handoff. At a certain point, I don't think I got to go back to Trader Joe's. Parking lot is a nightmare. I feel like it's not worth my time.

Good call. I'm definitely not going back and saying, can I exchange this bag? That's too much effort for rice. You'd rather just throw out the rice and say, we're not having rice tonight, honey. Throw out the rice. Or would you throw out the fly and just keep it moving? Yeah. I'm sure you can eat the rice and it's like, what's the worst thing that can happen?

All right. So you guys are eating the rice. I eat the fly. Eat the fly? Throw out the rice. Option D, throw out the rice. Don't throw out the rice with the flies. That's the quote, right?

That's funny. I wanted to quickly mention that we're looking for interns. We have to do this. Oh, yes. You guys always hire the best interns. That's right. Geoffrey was an intern. You guys, yeah.

Metal Audio Interns are awesome. That's right. And so was Marissa. We're looking to hire three interns, an office intern, an AV intern, and an audio intern. And if you're interested at all, the deadline to apply is April 8th. And you can find out more at headgum.com. That's for our summer internship program. Oh, man.

And we really need help. That office intern, I'm putting you to work on that email, baby. Yeah. It's going to be a nasty, nasty summer for whoever wants to join us. There is no AC. You are sitting next to the heater. Fair. Also, we added stuff to the headgum merch store.

That's right. If I were you live tote bags, HG Snapback Hats, that new headgum hat we made, and the new headgum pocket tee. So if you're already at headgum, you can go to store.headgum.com to check out the new merch stuff. Just go through the website, really. Yeah. Go through the website.

Just click on every frickin' link until you're an intern and you have a hat. Bye-bye-bye. And then when you're done with that, clean your ceiling fan, people. For once. Did somebody give you that piece of unsolicited advice? No. I found out the hard way. When I was cleaning my bathroom, I was having guests over, and then I saw my ceiling fan.

And then I said, wait, we have four ceiling fans in our apartment, and each one just had dust. You have a ceiling fan in your bathroom? This was at my, yeah, we have a ceiling fan in our bathroom, actually. Baller. Right. Another thing, I'm not going to be an unsolicited advice guy. This is not why I came on the show.

You got another one. It's not really advice. I'm just saying, in the spirit of, hey, your ceiling fans are disgusting. Yeah. You know what's even more disgusting? The top of your refrigerators, folks. Oh. You're never.

You're not taller than your refrigerator, so you're never seeing the top of your refrigerator. And that's for a reason. It is a nightmare up there. I remember when I moved into my new house, I got what they call a deep clean. Sure. Because it had been lived in by a family for like seven years. Right. And they like pulled the refrigerator out of its little enclave and cleaned it.

And it is. Death. Death everywhere. I also cleaned my washing machine filter. That is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Hair. There's things in there. It was hair and just gray sludge that smelled like eggs.

It was so foul. Oh my goodness. I love cleaning. So fucking foul. I love cleaning. I had to stick my whole entire wrist into it. But that sounds horrible. I'll show you some pictures.

It was oddly satisfying. Yeah. Just to clean a drain when you got the hair chunk out. It's like that's satisfying, but I wish it wasn't me. You ever clean your ear? What do you mean you didn't clean it? To flush your ear out? Oh no.

The wax that comes out? No. Is it big time? You deserve a lavage, Billy. It's your birthday. You deserve a lavage. Okay. Imagine the drain feeling but next to your brain.

I like that. That's the brain feeling. That's the brain feeling. I like that a lot. All right. Let's try to answer another question because I feel like we're getting way too derailed. Way too blue. Very derailed.

What is dust? Dust. Here's a good question. Ashes to ashes. Do you have another guy's name for this? Yes, I do. Tony. Wow.

Yes, I do. I thought you'd never ask. Tony. Tony. Rice. I lost my virginity to her so I never got a chance to experience any other sexual partners. This has led me to be curious about what else is out there but I've never cheated on my girlfriend and I don't want to do that to her.

I also love her and our relationship is great so I don't want to leave her. Still, when I see other attractive women I can't help but wonder what it would be like. I've talked to my girlfriend about this and she's always trying to help me work on this problem. Recently this issue got brought up again so she started to think about what to do. When I was talking about solutions she dropped a major bomb on me. She's giving me a one-time free hall pass. That's right, to sleep with someone else one time.

Her idea is that maybe if I get it out of my system I won't struggle with wanting other women as much. Sure. She feels like it could be beneficial to our relationship if I just experienced someone and got it over with. Her only rules are that it can't be someone that either of us knows and she doesn't want me to tell her about it. I mean, what the fuck?

What am I supposed to do about this? Should I use the hall pass? Is it still kind of cheating even if she gave me full permission? By the way, she gave herself 10 hall pass. Yeah, exactly. The subtext is I've been hall passing for years. Would it make me a bad person to capitalize on this? Would it actually help our relationship if I did get it out of my system or would it

just lead to more trouble if I followed through with it? It seems like the kind of opportunity every guy would dream of but I feel shitty because of how I got it and so now I don't feel like I deserve it. I don't want to do anything that would destroy my relationship but maybe my girlfriend is right and maybe it would actually strengthen us in the long run. So what do you guys think I should do? Help. Sincerely.

Tony. Tony. There's another good one. Two good ones. Okay. Very interesting. Yeah. It rocked me back and forth.

It's like at first it's like don't use the hall pass. It's a trick and then she's like I don't want to hear about it so you can use it. It's almost like a guilt free cheating option and then he's like is it even cheating? I'm like I guess it's not cheating and she says you can do it. Certainly not cheating if you are granted. You know what I mean? It's like if the teacher was like you can look at all of the answers and then you do then you're not cheating.

She's saying you can sleep around. I just have the idea of him sitting down at a bar and being like hi, I'm Tony and I have a hall pass. You're going to use your hall pass on me? Yeah. That would be sad if he just couldn't do it. He's like you know what babe, you're good enough for me. I don't want to use your shitty hall pass.

Also I tried. Over and over and over and over again. Yeah, because what lady wants to be a hall pass? Turns out no halls were open to me. I think the one question I'm fit to answer is will this stop my urge if I get it out once? Definitely not. I think it will be pouring gasoline all over a tiny little flame right now.

If you take the metaphor almost at its base, you are say in class and you get a hall pass and you get to wander free through the halls. And then you come back and you're like I've satisfied my curiosity. Right. I'll sit in class for the rest of my life. Right. No. You just got to experience recess.

I want to go back out into the halls ASAP. Yeah. You're saying it would be better. Like would you rather have no donuts for your entire life or one donut? And you're saying better to have no donuts. I just think that the urge is going to multiply when he does go through it. You know, right now his urge is curiosity. And I think that we can all agree that sex is good and fun, especially when you're really

young and just like new to it. And he's going to, it's going to open up Pandora's box, I would say, into like I want to try it again and get better at it with someone else now. Yeah. I think you extend the hall pass to spring break or summer break. Right. You don't need a hall pass, you need a break. Yeah, exactly.

I think if you're going to do hall pass, be an open relationship. Just like, it's like the hall pass is definitely not an answer. You know what I mean? And then it's like thanks for the hall pass. What I want is more hall passes. Right. Like what do you want out of, I don't know. I just don't think he doesn't, he doesn't get the hall pass and it doesn't cure everything.

Right. I think if he's got this urge to sleep with other people, you kind of have to just go and sleep with other people. Break up. Even like, not even like a dramatic break up, but say, let's give ourselves one month not dating and see at the end of that month whether or not like we actively long for one another. Especially because the first time having sex with someone probably won't be good.

Right. What you need to do is like have another girlfriend or something. Yeah. Oh, you could have great sex with somebody one time. But if you've never had sex with anybody before in your life, what are the odds that the second time you've had sex with somebody new, it's great. Probably not very high. Right.

It can happen though. Believe in yourself. So what's the final suggestion? Would you do it? I would not do it. I would break up with her before I used a hall pass. What about you? Would you do it?

Yeah, I'd break up. This is the beginning of the end. But can he use his hall pass first and then break up? That seems almost meaner. Almost, right? I think it's like you are in your relationship actively looking to fuck one person because your girlfriend said that you could. Right.

This only spells disaster for you. And I also don't buy. Maybe this is wrong, but I don't buy that she necessarily is going to be like, use your hall pass. Great. Everything's normal with me. Let's just keep it moving. You think he has to tell her that he used it?

Or is it like she doesn't want to know? But it's also fraught. She doesn't want to know. It's also fraught, Jake. So this is not how sex with somebody else would feel even if you did get to do it. It's all wrong. It's all wrong. You have experienced guilt-free sex and the only way to do that is to break up with somebody.

Do you know someone who married their first lover? Yes. And is it like a thing? Do you think it's a thing that eats away? It's like, I found it. I don't need anything. I don't know. I found that most of my friends, and this is going to be a generalization that might get

me into trouble, but I found that most of my friends. Name names. Go ahead and name some names. But I have friends who like high school sweethearts. That was it. And I found that a lot of them just weren't risk takers at all. They moved back to our hometown. It was just like they didn't, they felt safe in their little square.

Right. They'd rather feel safe than the excitement of rolling the dice. Totally. And that extends to career to a certain extent, to what my dad did, but that also extends to just being social and being vulnerable around a variety of women. Yeah. Or opposite sex, where it's just like, I'm going to fail dating you. I'm going to fail dating you.

I'm going to humiliate myself in front of you. I know a lot of people who are just like, hey, I met you in 10th grade, and we're both pretty scared, so let's just stick together and ride it out. Another example of that is when you go to the restaurant that you like, and then it's like, I always order the same thing because I know I'm going to like it. Or are you like, I'm going to try something else and sacrifice the thing I know I love. Those people order the same thing at the restaurant, the people that I just named. So do I sometimes.

I'm like, I know what I like. This is great. The difference is if you tried another restaurant, you wouldn't get banned from the restaurant that you like. If I go to Panda Express and dabble with beef and broccoli, and I didn't like it, can I come back the next day and get a filet of fish? Filet of fish is the perfect, none of us that ever had filet of fish. Never will again.

Because filet of fish was our hall pass. Let it be known, we didn't finish between the three of us one filet of fish. There was one sandwich and three men and there was bites left on the table. Yeah, more. Did anybody have more than one bite? I don't know. I don't think I did. That was a sad McDonald's.

We ended up going back to the counter for like more McNuggets, just like trying like stack those in our stomachs on top. You got a hash brown. I needed it. We only do the orders off of the breakfast and lunch menu. I felt like I had to take advantage of. Did they still do that? The breakfast at any time?

Yeah, breakfast at any time. This is true. That was the last time I went to McDonald's. Wow. That podcast episode. Well, you just mentioned McDonald's on Saturday night. Did you? Yeah, late night.

Saturday? I saw you Saturday day. Wow, big day. Yeah, yeah. That's how far I fell from the afternoon. You were on a good cheer that it was McDonald's at night. How was McDonald's on Saturday night? It was, I mean, really good.

Drive through? How was it on Sunday morning? Very bad. Yeah, I was in a lift in the drive through. I was kind of, I was, I was turn. You were in a lift and you said, hey, can you do it? Am I going through the drive through? Yeah, I do that a lot.

Really? Yeah, they don't mind. And you say I'm going to, do you all ever get them something? Yeah, I'll ever get them something. My tip, do they ever do it? They ever say, oh, if I can take a big Mac, whatever. No, nobody's ever, ever taken it. Really?

But I do, I always give a big tip and I let them know that I'm going to tip and I appreciate it. And how often do you apologize for the way it makes the car smell? Yeah, that's what I was going to say. Because they get $200 if you throw up in their car. Really? They get to call in a number. What?

And immediately their shift is done. They get $200. This seems like a classic thing kids say. No, this is, this is, a little driver told me this as well. Same thing. Wait, what? Who gives, it's like a, it's a lottery that you win, a reverse lot of money. Well, then I asked my driver, naturally, I was like, have you ever considered pouring

fake vomit on your back seat to get out of a day of work? And he said, I've considered it, but ultimately I would still have to clean my car and take pictures and it's not worth it. Oh, that's good. You call a number and you have to take photos. You have to identify the driver, the person in the car who threw up the account. Yeah, I think if they charge you $200, I don't think that like Lyft just gives you $200, right?

They get a cleaning fee. I don't know, the way he explained it was they get a cleaning fee. Right. And I don't know if it comes from Lyft itself or if it comes from the person who threw up. Oh yeah. But I asked one Lyft driver, I was like, do you like, would you like that? He was like, oh yeah. Like I just take the day off and I get my car cleaned and I get $200.

Right. And then I ask somebody else like, no, this is my fucking car. Exactly. This is my driver. Yeah. That was the same. They're like, no. The guy who said yes, you need to be like, all right, take me through McDonald's right

through. Give me two filet-o-fish. I'm about to make your day, bud. Let's split the fucking money, man. No. Did you hear about this story? And I'll keep it short, but about the guy who was like in West Virginia, got a Lyft, got in the car, said, take me home, passed out immediately.

The driver didn't have his address in the thing, grabbed his phone, typed in home and an address came up in like Western Pennsylvania and away they went. And the dude was passed out, blacked out, drunk in the front seat and the drivers drive into Pennsylvania now. Like he just said, oh, I figured it out. It's probably 700 miles away. 800 miles or so is what it turned out to be. No follow-up questions.

No follow-up questions. Do you want to go home? We're going home, kid. Rolls up to Pennsylvania or whatever adjacent city and state it was. Don't need to verify at all. He's at home. He's at home. His mom's address.

12 hours later. Guy wakes up. What am I doing home? This home. And the guy's like, you said home and he's like, not this home. We were like eight miles from the place I currently reside. Well, long story short, it goes to court. The bill's like $1,100, $1,200.

I asked you guys, I know the answer. Who do you think? Do you think that they reduced his rate and prorated it down to what it should have been or do you think they made him pay $1,200? I don't think, I bet Lyft or Uber, whoever was like, we'll just take care of it. Okay. Jake? I know the answer.

Oh, you do? Really? You've heard the story? Me and Billy talked about it. Oh, okay. And the answer is he had to pay $1,200. Lyft was like, no. What?

No. What? He didn't even put the address in. I know, Amir. I was dying. The guy, he was kidnapped. They gave him like three payment options where he has to pay like four quarterly $300 bills for a $7 Lyft.

I think the driver's at fault personally. Yes, absolutely. He had to stop for gas. Multiple times. I think Uber should just like, as a PR thing, be like, hey, this was crazy. Agreed. Share the story everywhere. Agreed.

And we're going to cover it. Agreed. We had charging a kid to do that. They did. They did. Cold, flooded. And he had to fucking get an Uber back. That's the hardest part.

His mom wasn't home to drive him back to West Virginia. Eight hours of passed out driving. Holy shit. Bold by the driver. I'm going to look at home. Okay. So fucking smart. Just like driving down highway 40.

All right, I'm going to get this dude home. He's going to be so lucky. You got me. The perfect driver for the job. The detective who's pretty smart, but ultimately didn't answer, ask any follow-up questions. Fell asleep at the wheel too. 700 miles home. Not exactly.

All right. Good ending. Good way to end. Solid app. Two questions, but we dug. We dug deep. We did. Yeah, we did talk test.

One more time. That is triple kiss. Yes. My man. Triple kiss on Vimeo. And I would be rebiss not to mention the fact that Jake and I are doing a live show in New York. It might be on Friday if you listen to this episode.

I thought it. Oh, it's this coming. Oh, yeah. Wow. This episode is coming out April 1st or 2nd. I thought our live show was on Saturday. April Frickin' Fools? No, it's going to be on...

Is April Fools on Friday? No. April Fools is the first. That's all I know. That's Sunday. Okay. So it will come out April 2nd. And then we're in New York on Friday, April 6th.

Nice. And then we're going to be in Nashville, Tennessee on April 22nd. We'll put that information on our website if I were you, show.com. Very cool. Good app. Solid app. Good job, guys. Good job, guys.

The opening theme song was written by Matt the Fantastic, remember? And then this closing theme song is written by Deborah Daly. So thanks for Matt. Thanks to Deborah Daly. Thanks to you guys for listening and writing in the email address for questions. And theme songs is If I Were You Show at gmail.com. We'll be back next week. Later.

Later. See ya. See ya. See ya. See ya. See ya. See ya. See ya.

See ya. See ya. See ya. See ya. See ya. See ya. See ya. See ya.

See ya. See ya. See ya. See ya. See ya. See ya. See ya. See ya.

See ya. See ya. See ya. See ya. See ya. See ya. See ya. See ya.

See ya. See ya. See ya. See ya. See ya. See ya. See ya. See ya.

See ya. See ya. See ya. See ya. See ya. See ya. See ya. See ya.

See ya. See ya. See ya. See ya. See ya. See ya. See ya. See ya.

See ya. See ya. See ya.