If I Were You - 323: Pee Sex (Live in NYC w/Scott Rogowsky!)

Episode Date: April 9, 2018

Friend and host of HQ Trivia, Scott Rogowsky joins us to discuss ugly cats, beautiful farts, and natural lubrication.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

this is a headgum podcast if I were you with Jake and Amir yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, oh he threw his back is 34 okay so that's gonna 35 35 no shit yeah wow that's my birthday yesterday bulb is actually yeah it's a disc more than one disc it's a disc wow it is a disc that is a herniated disc hey we're in Manhattan hell yeah I don't know the last time we had a show in Manhattan did we ever have a show in Manhattan ever yes we had a lot we used to do like a monthly show in Chelsea that's awesome where's Chelsea you've lived in LA for four years you've forgotten everything oh yeah I know ah I remember Chelsea you with you without glasses is the worst thing

it's rare to see someone that looks uglier without them you guys are a good crowd well look at his penguin suits oh my god that's some old that's some old school shit scarves see these references are so old I don't even know what you're talking about so for those of you who've been here before and those of you who haven't what this is is an advice podcast can you believe it all these people here for an advice podcast doesn't make sense people in the penguin up until like what I thought it was watching the old videos with commentary should we just do that that would be a lot easier on yes awesome actually I'm a I'm a lockbox I know this script to every single jake in a mirror by

heart name your favorite one and I'll just repeat it what was tinder that one was recent and I don't know it has oh her name is load nice that was it yeah this is fun I feel like I'm a aging rock star playing our greatest hits who else wants to hear a fucking free bird what else my friend what mickey mickey my friend all right now let's do a new song 10 minutes about blowing homeless people anyway people from all over the world email us they're curious they're wondering our wisdom our advice to try to get them out of sticky situations we often record this alone in our studio so it's so exciting that we get to record in front of 390 000 of our closest friends

for those of you guys listening at home it was insane we did an arena we we sold out and met like stadium they were all chanting oh she's y'all supposed to be lighter swing in the air all right let's take a scene some answer some questions shall we this is a great rug a really nice rug this has to be from overstock does it not is this the over dyed new loom five by eight is way fair cool skull it they say you don't know how much whiskey is in here man it's not a lot it's gonna last me all show all right this man writes hey guys long time listener first time not giving a shitter it's a nice old reference too i've got a sticky situations on my hand literally

i'm on a business trip and tonight at a client dinner one of the female clients also out of her hometown on business started giving me meaningful looks across the dinner table that's romantic cool i'm excited let's get cozy yeah we should have face masks sleep over the more she and i drank the more openly flirtatious she became and i reciprocated hey after dinner the whole group went to a bar and she ended up sitting next to me honestly she's not that attractive and married but when she but when she dropped a hand on my thigh i got a raging boner

after several minutes she placed her hand firmly over my dick and after a few seconds i totally jizzed that's right you're right to clap a standing ovation i was so embarrassed but i didn't think she noticed when i went to leave she gave me a wink and pointed at my crotch which i was horrified to see a huge wet spot so my question is this did i cheat on my wife wow that was that's good writing it's only been a few hours but i'm losing my mind please let me know if you answer this one thanks and then his fake name

he chose dr alphonse robusto let's give it up let's give it up for dr alphonse the question is did i cheat on my wife when someone gave me a hand job but it was an otp hj and just a very lazy one at that yeah honestly if he didn't jizz would you even say that's cheating and also if it's just the jizzing what if he's like on a crowded subway and accidentally jizzes is that also cheating on you babe i mean i'm just saying is all do the ends justify the creams i see that written on your yeah oh no that is a tattoo brother i thought it would go over well uh did he cheat on his wife no but you did something else bad well yeah i don't know next question and that's the joy of answering questions you don't

have to give a shit so this guy's in a moral predicament and we're just like whatevskies on to the next um and i'll do that with any sort of like sticky situation so if my father comes to me in a bind i'm like deuces i don't have to care that's does that make sense to you does your dad often come to you when he's in trouble and i am the last resort uh what do you think i think he cheated because he got a basically a hand job from a stranger but it was basically a hand job it wasn't a full hand job that's right she just placed her hand and he like a prepubescent teen couldn't contain himself here's i think what happened in her mind was like very very cheating you know like so to to this lady you conveyed that you wanted her and then she put

her hand on you and then you jizzed instantly so while you didn't do anything like terribly wrong you just sort of embarrassed yourself he that lady is sitting there at the bar as he's upstairs furiously writing us this email having not changed his pants at all coming up with dr alphonse robusto and she's down there being like i'm gonna fuck that guy so like he's entered into a dangerous situation yeah i would say he's already in the dangerous situation he's already also what eyes his pants oh yeah yeah that's well that's more embarrassing can you train yourself to do that without touching yourself is that like a tantric thing do you think that's like a power yeah like a good thing you want to be able to i want to you're in a business meeting your hands are where

everybody can see them but in your mind's eye and in your and in your penis's eye yeah in your cock's eye things are just getting off and you think that would be a wise thing to do at at business what's the alternative masturbating in front of everyone who has the time it would be kind of nice if you could just put your hand on your penis and it would come instantly that's what i'm saying dude it's like spider-man but a little more effort we know you really envy the guy oh it's happening dr alphonse robusto also does sound like a superhero or like a spider-man villain please call me alphonse spider-man is like and alphonse is like

it stayed in the pants but it's just a sticky spider-man you in this round as you win all of the rounds but can you get isn't it funny that like the the first hand touching the thigh is so much sexier than like actual sex because it's such like a subtle small public secret shameful thing oh yeah so i guess you did cheat on your wife because you describing it right now was actually pretty hot yeah i see what's happening don't touch it it's prime to go off can i just shake your hand though oh the game boy oh all right you cheated on your wife alphonse i don't know what else to say does anyone have a girl's name i heard a crandis who and yeah that is uh yeah crandis that works that'll play yeah crandis with a silent cue in the middle rights

i'm a 22 year old girl who has been in a long-distance relationship since graduating college yeah tell me about it overall everything has been a okay but of course there's a slight problem and boy oh boy does this problem stink oh yeah yeah yeah last weekend i was visiting my man candy and accidentally ripped ass while we were snuggling in his bed mind you this is the first time i've ever farted in front of him well he got super weird about it and called me gross oh yeah the worst thing to call someone no joke he brought up the fart four times over the rest of the weekend remember when you uh farted yes i remember that was an hour ago the plot thickens over the stage that just means she shat her pants or something the farts thickens

over dinner he told his dad about my stink and what did the dad say that in 26 years of marriage he had not even once heard his wife fart my boyfriend doesn't have any sisters so i'm concerned that he has a weird prejudice against fem farts how do i have a serious conversation about farts without laughing am i doomed to hold in my farts for eternity is he a sexist love crandis let's give it up for crandis okay you're uh you're a quick farter yeah i'm a quick fart i like to open the floodgates date let's say one and a half yeah i've seen you send an audio message it's like once you went on to uh left hinder on to text yeah you just like ripped ass into your phone hey it's a mirror and when a girl farts in front of you do you think that's fine it's disgusting good man oh i'm coming

again no i'm all i'm i'm i'm i'm open with farting as you as some of you may know i'm i'll fart on an airplane an air train any type of air transportation i don't think it's rude i think it's naturally excuse me if my bowels are a little bit rumbly but it's frankly selfish of you to ask me to leave it in implicitly even implicitly so i'll take a fart on an airplane and if anyone even gives me the side i'll say oh i'm sorry aren't you i had a i had a hurt tummy yeah so you want me to just squeeze it until i go to the laboratory or whatever the fuck they're called on an airplane you're often in the middle seat ripping ass ordering chili i'll choose the middle so as to justify the farts better i think that it's a lavatory just an airplane bathroom it's not

so any bathroom is a lavatory but only airplanes decide to call them that i think many places decide to call them that no what are you talking about you'll go to a restaurant i'll say lavatory sometimes no i don't think that's true guys back me up or not that was tepid at best and i think it was just people feeling bad for you does anyone know the true answer and don't just yell to be heard i want an actual english doctor to tell me the difference oh is your mom's an english teacher oh yeah that's true if only she were here at the show mother mother mother god fuck you weirdo for trying to do my mother's voice i've very very deliberately taped up her seat earlier so i know she's over there and also

that that's not what she sounds like uh mother there's three different people saying yes but one of them is definitely my mom go ahead pose your question dear mrs herwitz is a lavatory only an airplane oh she's kind of that's okay uh yeah do you know the do you know the answer to that question an outdated term for a bathroom any bathroom she's probably she's trying to be diplomatic but you are a fucking moron that was your dad but what oh i love you so much mommy you can do no wrong she said just for those of you listening at home

that couldn't quite hear she said a lavatory is an antiquated term for any bathroom but it's only primarily used on airplanes so in a way we're both right that's what she's trying to get across she's trying to save face anyway this guy cheated on his wife what's the next thing you're thinking of that's the last question oh yeah this is the woman who farted in front of her so she cheated on her wife no no it's not always third question um are you okay with female farting is it a big deal of course not oh whoa of course i'm okay with it and of course not it's not a big deal so she should what here i think she has to just keep on ripping ass until it becomes like not a thing anymore

keep farting keep smiling knowing you can always fart on me for sure that's good that's what farts are for keep smiling keep farting keep sharding anyway i'm going back to college and uh all right here we go next question we need a guy's name what was it huh chide bundale that's also your mom chide bundale i like that you guys you keep on turning to your friend and going yes what what is chide bundale he doesn't have the answer what is chide bundale

i made it up on the spot if it please my lord good and not my stay and if it doesn't please us him but it does all right chide writes so to start i'm a 20 year old college dude going to school in alberta and lately me and this girl have been hanging out lots and we're both pretty into each other she's the perfect woman and i enjoy myself every time i'm around her however she has a fucking bunny rabbit and i'm really allergic i cannot stay over to her place due to my allergies so why won't she come over to my place good question didn't ask it well i rescued a hairless sphinx cat

and he's a fucking pimp she's terrified of him and refuses to come and see him and will not stay over i've tried many times just to meet them but she refuses every time it's getting really tough to hang out with her because often it includes going out for a bite and my bank account is dying a slow and painful death should i dump her completely is there any way around this i will not get rid of my cat that is a non-starter because he's a fucking beauty thanks dudes love chide chide bundale he sent a picture of a cat yeah there's a picture of a cat let's see the picture of the cat if we have it oh oh oh grandpa

i'm a pimp aren't i chide chide take me to the bars we'll get you so much put the chide stroke my skin chide you're not allergic to me oh chide if we come home empty handed you can fuck me chide what is it a snake a little bit i've never i've never met a sphinx so i just imagine that's how they talk this one is we'll try to put a picture online for those of you listening at home but he was hairless an evil looking old cat with a bow tie for some reason yeah did i have a bow tie i love animals now that i have a dog and i have compassion for all pets but i'd be okay if every hairless cat was murdered yeah hell you'd do the murdery i'll twist their heads off like it's a fucking bottle of beer yeah no i would i would drown that cat i would hold that cat under the

water and it would because the way as far would be touching its skin right and it would be really wriggling and then like just before it died it would turn up be like i am lucifer oh and that guy is like my girlfriend has a bunny yeah your girlfriend has a great pet and you have a fucking monster so should he dump her yes spare her this this horrific cat that you have yeah i think if you have a cat like that you have to find someone that likes the cat which is like that's how you start you have to be like you have to join a dating app that for people that like that kind of that cat photo should be your tinder bio uh that's imagine stroking that wet sort of slimy cat back come instantly oh you know she has like a hard spine on that little scrotum skinned body

of hers yeah definitely that's actually really hot so you do like the cat yeah all right we're just about halfway done so why don't we take a break you can keep recording but we won't release this part let's get a round of applause as we're off for the break thank you to aura frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast you know aura frames is sponsoring not just this episode but the entire headgum network jake wow that's correct i mean this might be the goat father's day gift i think it actually is yeah yeah not just father's day but if for any uh not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon these digital photo frames might be the best of all time yeah for me personally these things are perfect

i'll tell you why as you know i am expecting yeah uh my first child we got one for jill's parents oh wow we got one for jill's grandma holy smokes we got one for my parents so there are three of these bad boys uh in our family right now but they are they're great really easy way to like stay in touch with your family you can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen it's really nice oh that's cool so you take a photo of anything perhaps a baby and then it goes to their digital photo yeah frame this is actually how we how we told jill's grandma she was pregnant we got her the aura frame we plugged it in jill's grandma was pregnant really nice asshole this was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife

and you're trying to make a joke of it i was just being goofy a little bit like uh this is how i told my grandma she was pregnant yeah yeah kind of like a she misheard it or something like that or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way by the way jill's jill's grandma is pregnant oh my god jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant it's pretty cool and you told me with a digital photo frame holy smokes and we let her know with an aura yeah thank you the aura announcement uh so you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app add me to your aura app i'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something that could be funny yeah like your

banana your dog alongside pictures of my daughter yeah yeah exactly you can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame yeah it's a great gift a really really iconic gift and right now you can save on the perfect father's day gift and visit aura frames that's a u r a frames dot com and our listeners can use code head gum to get up to 30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames there it is oh wow this is timely the deal ends on june 18th so don't wait terms and conditions apply that's aura frames a u r a frames dot com okay go get your parent something all right and use the code head gum for 30 off plus free shipping right on thank you aura and now back to the headgum podcast

you were listening to this show is sponsored by better help thank you better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult anxious stressful situation talking to a professional license therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place and it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist especially one in your area but better help makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient flexible and suitable to your schedule you just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge it's incredibly helpful therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years so give therapy a try it can give you the tools to find a more

balanced life i've tried therapy it's been very helpful um so you can find that balance better with better help all you got to do is go to better help dot com slash if i were you you do that today you can get 10 off your first month so the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room this is done entirely online but you're still getting professional licensed help and it's extra affordable that's better help h e l p dot com slash if i were you check them out thanks better help we thought it'd be fun if we had a guest on the show that we've never had on our show before can you believe that a live show guest that's never been on the show what it is but who could

possibly be who here has played hq before because our next guest has also played once and is also the host of it whoa what the hell please put your hands together for scott rugowski okay thank you the middle seat yeah the middle seat oh my goodness quick question give me one when did you ditch jake for the brawny man that's sort of a compliment so yeah it is he's a handsome motherfucker that brawny man good man scott thanks so much for joining us it's so nice to be here with college humors

jake and amir in the like 40s we're sort of trying to distance ourselves in that chapter of our lives now it really is so cool to be here in the lower east east east east east side yeah we walked here was seemingly by accident were you given two options it was here or a barge in the east river were those the options for the barge would have been cool actually barge it we should barge it next time i say let's barge it uh all right scott yeah you know the name of the game we're helping people out as much as possible i love the people the only deal is that we need fake names to preserve their anonymity you get that you've been there before um so this is from a man i don't want to call him his real name do you have a fake name for this man schlomo schlomo

so fast your fake name sounds like my middle name but schlomo writes i am the only guy it's fun to be the not the most jewish person on the part right yeah for once this is really why you brought me here that's exciting what a world all right schlomo writes i am the only guy in the world with a curved erection that's not true when my when my member is soft it's completely normal but went hard my dick curbs slightly to the left wait slightly and you wrote our podcast i really only want to hear about it if it's severe mine's a fucking right angle mild to moderate but i do i do respect the guy who used the word member yeah also very jewish i never thought it was a problem but sometimes the angle of my dick

compromises my sex life after sex with my gf the left side of my penis is chafed and the skin dries and sometimes falls off it's gotten so bad in the past that it has prevented me from intercourse entirely do either of you gentlemen suffer from a curved cock or a cc as i call it sos warm regards schlomo psc at the new york show on april 6th the plot hardens it's schlomo here no he's yeah wait are you really here schlomo you just said yeah i don't know you got it you're

gonna have to whip out your dick and prove it i also wouldn't say yeah is schlomo willing to chime up i am schlomo oh my god i'm schlomo i'm schlomo and see so curvature normal abnormal what's the yaw of your dog that's your new podcast let's name that yaw i come out with a little protractor so there's like a slight curvature which is like sort of like the earth then there's like the full like it's an obtuse almost kind of like um i don't know the the right part in the the diagonal part of a stop sign there's the full left hook the turn of course there's the crowbar the full yui the u turn and finally not the loop yeah if it was a loop he would

would you go for if you get first of all which one of those is the most ideal i'm thinking loop just from novelty ideal yeah it's like pissing out of my big bang off of the loop if you could do the loop i would say go for the loop obviously you don't have a choice in the matter this guy's sort of stuck with a slightly left turn dick that he has um does this ring true for either of you i am straight and to the point short and sweet a double a battery can't turn you know what i mean i like to describe my penis as concise yeah you look at a jenga tower that's only two blocks tall it's not going to be curving in any direction a tight 15 millimeters yeah i'm 11 degrees celsius anyway jake is your dick curved you see my penis you know

um even even with the curvature i've never heard of the problem of like chafing on one side and then what's on the inside like just a soft moist kind of like a hairless cat situation you don't like the word moist it's like a rainforest on one side and the desert on the other i feel two different climates that sounds like that sounds that sounds like it sounds like psoriasis it sounds like he's had a bigger problem yeah and a curved penis yeah yeah yeah you have a rash yeah there's there's a venereal disease so you're saying don't worry about the curvature worry about the dermatitis yeah or the dermature very good that was an amirism pick it up you just pick it up when you're on here on stage um does anyone feel like they um really understand this guy's plight

chafing on one side and on the other you're getting you're getting the one of these there's somebody raising their hand right there so while i don't you clearly understand the condition you should check and make sure he doesn't have pyromes I was gonna say that no you're not gonna say that you're not gonna say pyrons you don't really understand the condition but you do know an obscure disease i you said you can't speak with any level of certainty but you should check and you are pyromes disease by the way that's your name so you're the Lou Gehrig of having a bent dick what is pyrones disease oh how many people have this

rat battle right now dj peronius so what's peronius sir this is like an awesome med school class and i'm the student so you're saying scar tissue causes the curvature of your dick to shift to the left or right that's what everybody's like so tender like i think that's what i heard it is and i experienced none of that my dick is long straight wide it's what it's botched circumcision that happens as well oh that is anti-semitic all circumcisions are botched the penis comes out perfect she said that was as a result of a botched circumcision am i to feel bad for a thousand-year tradition that my father forcibly put on me

that would horribly arrive right i i i had a botched circumcision really the moll took off the penis and left the left the foreskin what what it's like the tom and jerry thing where he takes a slice and then takes the rest of the cake you could only make that joke in that time that's a it's a very accurate matsutai i'm so surprised they let you eat it don't you i can't believe they let you wear that on hq that's so progressive i definitely pushed my jew liberal agenda on this thing as much as possible i saw yesterday's final answer is who are the legit chosen people

and everybody had to answer because they wanted cash how much do you get paid to host that all right but i'm serious we're talking about the guys candidly we're just friends you know per episode not per day i'll do the math this is let me see your take out your w2 oh it's curved to life it's worth nothing i get paid in the corrosive good man as my contract stipulates um so basically curved dick not that big of a deal can you say that can we say that with certainty we don't know we don't know how far it's curved can we just say dicks in general not that big of a deal if you got one fine if not that's also all right you're better off yeah um depending on the curvature you're saying don't don't sweat it

i just think there's different positions that he could try which one adjusts for the left curve if he went on his side and she went on her back yeah sort of like interlocked their legs yeah the cherry picker i would have to yeah can i an iraq or a twist demonstrate so someone's gonna have to take a photo of this all right yeah yeah so go up line line your back go up or line my back line your back of your legs up in the air you pushed me oh yeah ah there it is this is not a finger fuck leg lock right there right there so i dropped out of college

i didn't want that wait wait wait the money shot we need the money shot all right let's get back into it all right that was the money shot five thousand dollars ah we have fun don't we it's not an if i were you live if i don't simulate fucking my best friend while scott watches and directs the whole thing i have a genuine question yeah and it relates to what just happened here possibly have what yeah this is this is this could be a jumping off point for a good conversation i've always thought about this if one or i guess two were two in public maybe at a street corner or just you know outside a library mime sex clothes on is that an arrestable offense could you do it could we could you just go out

there with your girlfriend boyfriend and just start like doing this and in your clothes right there but could you could could you get arrested for that it's lewd condom it's lewd condom you can get fine for it you get fine i feel like i'm i'm watching this mom what do you think you're an english teacher i feel like i'm watching a pornographic version of hq or something am i supposed are there multiple answers hq after dark yeah is it a illegal be frowned upon or see if they do it in a club see in a club it's okay but it can say just take it outside is my question is it i don't know i thought about this i've tried to do it in the cbs and uh what about you out of police officer is that illegal i think that is illegal what's the crime there is it your honor

they're very fragile sensitive people and that you know that's an assault in their eyes oh okay no you can say a lot less by the way it depends on the color of your skin and get arrested for it let's say that hey let's get really unfortunately let's get real let's get real i know i was just pantomime fucking jake but let's fucking talk it's funny to know that before this the podcast in here was pod save the people hosted by dorae mcesson yeah and then not an hour later i was fucking you at the stage how far we've fallen yes and just two short hours um next question do you guys have time for another question it seems like we do um why don't we call on the crowd for another guy's name oh wait a lady's name

sequoia no you guys just a dude yelled sequoia you're like a lady's name and he's like sequoia beautiful lady from the balcony what sequoia is not good no ladies in the balcony stevie no that was not a lady oh you want a lady i want a lady i want a lady to say giving a name because i thought sequoia is a woman's name just did josh which mckenzie all right got one sequoia mckenzie or just mckenzie uh sequoia mckenzie or just mckenzie i really don't want to give sequoia anything i'm gonna sequoia mckenzie at coachella mckenzie writes i have a crazy kinky cyber sex relationship with my long distance male companion that's right i always try to block out the noise with music or a fan so my roommates don't have to hear but

one of my roommates who's also my best friend said something the other day that makes me think she might have overheard me saying and doing some weird shit i often call my guy daddy and say weird crap about how i want to pee all over his dick so the daddy thing seems normal i was with her on the daddy thing until like i was really with her uh it's just what i'm into i can't help it well anyway the roommate nonchalantly called me into her room the other day and started ranting about how she accidentally stumbled upon some erotic literature on the internet and realized what crazy kinks there are out there specifically she singled out people with daddy fetishes and says quote it's the most repugnant thing on earth i can literally under understand any other fetish

but that one and then she told me to quote stay away from her dad so she definitely heard way to read between the lines um she also said that the most this the next most repulsive fetish is pee poop i resent the accusation that they were lumped together like this because really i'm a lady that who enjoys pissing on a dick doesn't mean i want to get shit slung at me wtf am i just being paranoid or does it sound to you like she might want to be hinting at something and if so what do i do should i justify my fetish or just be more discreet in the future p.s excited to see you guys on april 6th that day her live show shlomo's girlfriend so shlomo was too embarrassed can we get mckenzie get her up here

look be a lady tonight is mckenzie here mckenzie we just walk somebody she's standing she's standing up standing up don't yuck your yum don't yuck the yum let's give it up for mckenzie she's peeing she's peeing piss isn't shit piss isn't shit mckenzie mckenzie hi how are you i'm doing so good right now this is not embarrassing no it's not at all we have to stop stigmatizing this shit right okay this piss you mean first you're you're jakes not standing scott's standing i'm standing just a bit just i this is the weirdest interview i've ever conducted i was just gonna introduce myself okay i'm quiz daddy yeah i'll sit down i'll sit down oh yeah don't worry i've said some try to block out jakes mom she's not here yeah

is the question very specifically why the peepee yeah i think that's i feel like that's what it's on everybody's mind um is yeah oh yeah right she asked us for advice so um your your roommate knows especially because she's here can you come up roommate yeah your roommate probably knows the odds of her bringing up the daddy and the peepee back to back yeah yeah all right so she's wrong about the daddy the daddy thing is out there that's it that's in the world she's she should really grow up on that but the pee thing now i've got questions uh why why the why the peepee oh lord um and we have time i mean jake why the gerbils it's not fair to ask these things it's just not fair and i'm gonna answer after i would have never thought i'd have to do this

but what an amazing what an amazing opportunity because now okay now we can just play this instead of saying why have it sell it on us just like sell it okay okay let's pitch it let's piss it yeah what's the best part about sex the best the best part about sex is uh um feeling feeling close to somebody that you care about how wet it is how wet it is oh i don't i actually i think i like uh the most amount of friction possible oh well okay as a lady who here is a lady raise your hand if you're a lady have you ever been having sex and and the mail is uh it's making you dry and you know there's you could also use lube i don't but this is nature's lube okay all right go ahead there's more to it yeah yeah it's not okay it's not the it's not the the pee

itself i don't want like i don't want a guy like i feel like when people think about when people think about like golden showers they think it's just like a girl laying on the ground and a guy just like pissing all over her body i don't want that no one are you very much so against it or like you could take it or leave it i've also got a question like is it do you want you want to pee on the guy or do you want the guy to pee on you or so i don't want a guy to pee on me you want to be the peer that's disgusting yeah yeah i would not fuck that uh well i have to say i i have i have like a rich history with peeing i've peed i have peed i started the beginning i have peed in every bottle but i've peed in every body of water that my that i've ever touched that's cool enough with

my like like okay i can do a dead sea see a galley uh lake michigan i'm with you on that so i guess it's just knowing that i always have to pee and if you're a lady and a guy has like had sex with you and you've like really had to go it can like hurt so sometimes it's just like you know you don't have to worry about that you just never getting laid again here's just one last question do you do you say like uh i'm gonna pee now and then like you start peeing or do you just pee and that's well how do you also follow up is like if you have asparagus is that considered hot or less hot oh no oh no jake i'm trying i'm genuinely trying to understand i know you are i really feel for you i i wish i i wish i could i wish i could explain it better you know you're explaining

you're explaining great i'm like i'm down to try it no no no not yeah no i'm not like yeah yeah i with yeah totally okay i'm just gonna pee on my face i will do that um sorry um um squirt squirt that's all folks thank you no but haven't we been hearing in the news lately these scientists have said possibly that squirting and urinating is one in the same it is the same it's the same so that's what ha is this true can we snopes this can someone snopes this right now i i'm pretty sure recently they have discovered that they are basically the same um and weird fact okay so i've had a uti before start the slideshow back to the cat humble brag i've had a uti before and if if you've ever had a uti you have to uh

the medicine you take to make it feel better it can turn your pee orange well i have something that makes me that's extra hot or no extra no no it's just it's just i'm getting to a realization i had which is once i squirted oh my god i hate myself um once i squirted actually we have to break for a for a squarespace ad one second and my pee was orange like my pee had been orange like the whole time of my uti but the pee that like the whatever that came out was clear so that makes me think that you know maybe it's not the same in your face yeah no no that's what you said oh no you agree in your face anyway somebody's face on someone's dick well i i want to i like i want to like kind of like introduce sex positivity to people which i'm doing right now

not on our podcast everyone is a chaste virgin but um i don't know like is is my roommate from the stance she took is she beyond how it's like i can't get it through to her or does it not matter it's like you know pee on her pee on her pee on her pee on her pee on her pee on her that's it is that it that was it we can't pee on her yeah guys thank you so much for coming thanks to scott for coming oh oh my god that was crazy thanks to new york thank you guys for having us and thanks for listening good night that was a hate gun podcast