If I Were You - 324: Sexy Flashlight (w/Doughboys Nick Wiger + Mike Mitchell!)

Episode Date: April 16, 2018

Friends and New HeadGum Podcaster's Nick Wiger and Mike Mitchell (Doughboys) join us to discuss procrastination, masturbation, and how to unclog a toilet.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Make the situation seem almost clear. Oh, dear. Help write a steady pace. And the sponsored bus comes. When I'm feeling awkward and concerned. So, I'm gonna tell you what I'll do. I'm gonna listen to a couple Jews.

They always come through on a podcast called The Fireworks. Yeah, oh, oh, oh, I think that you should listen to. Oh, oh, oh, I'll listen to it however I want. Yeah, that was clear! Thanks, Claire. Weigar, Mitch, what do you guys think? Little body for a stretch. B-A-W-D-Y?

Yes, yeah. Body yeah, right yeah the head part like it was too salacious for you. It got yeah, I got a little ribald Yeah, I saw you take the headphones off Yeah, my monocle fell into by a wine glass You spit champagne It was a spit take I kind of liked that dirtiness. Yeah kind of a dirty guy, right? Yeah You like the horn dog. You like the bodiness. I like that bodiness

No, real plug says Claire just my insta clur flur I might put out an album soon. So if you play this five years from now, tell people to look up Claire Faye fe y Thanks, thanks Claire killing there. I believe it was a Parity of Demi Lovato's heart attack got it. I might be wrong, but that's what I look so I've never heard that song But I have heard the I've heard the cover. Yeah, and I like that one better Yeah, you guys ever done that where you listen to a song You're like, you know, that's actually a cover and then you realize you like the cover more than the original Yeah, I think I mean I think for it's the the Hendricks watchtower is the big one. Oh, yeah, it's a it's a Bob Dylan song

Oh, yeah, the the Hendricks version. What about the scott version of there's always something there to remind I think that's the one that everybody Punk Or the lemon heads Mrs. Robinson, right? Newfound glory never-ending stories a big one for me. That's a good one the Atari's cover of Boys of Summer I do not like that. I do not like that one. I heard that one on the radio Recently They changed a one detail in that which they changed us that what is it they changed a black flag sticker instead of what's it in the

Original it's a deadhead sticker. It's deadhead sticker. They changed a black flag sticker for some reason. It's one lyrical change It's so arbitrary. Is that legal you can do that. You have to ask for permission to do the one the one or is that the one thing that? Makes it legal. Yeah Change the words I have black flag sticker Gavel innocent innocent come together arrow Smith. I think I originally thought that was Like an arrow Smith song. Oh, yeah Yeah, which what is that the right title of the song? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's a beatle song I thought it was I thought it was truly our that's an embarrassing one. That's really good

Yeah, but that was like that. That was like the first band. I was like as a boy, which is embarrassing Anyways, but that was like the first band. I was into I knew the blackbird song the blackbird at the end of what was that like? Oh dynamite hack yeah, yeah, I knew blackbird from the end of that song before the Beatles version My parents like we're not Beatles parents. I grew up listening to Billy Joel Yeah, so I like didn't even like learn any Beatles songs till I was like in college, which was these guys are pretty good They're not bad you guys heard this like hello Jude Do you see Taylor Swift got in trouble today for doing a cover really? Yeah, we don't usually do topical shit But just an hour ago Taylor Swift released earth wind and fire September cover and people are getting mad at her for making it

White yeah, yeah, and I listened to part of it wasn't very good. It's not good Yeah, it's like a Taylor Swift love acoustic song that she turned in that she turned September into I remember when I was in high school, and I had been drinking a little bit and I woke up the next morning and On my computer. I had brought up the lyrics to September Why were there tears on my pillow Yeah, that's so much more pure than like waking up and find you've texted one of your exes right like weird shit on board hub That's true. I got drunk and looked up I was so gone I tried to dissect a fucking classic rock song

That song owns by the way earth wind and fire is great. Yeah, that they were just they were they were they were doing concerts Just recently weren't they yeah, I think they I think they still from what I've heard. They just put on an amazing show Yeah, well if you want to hear a Taylor Swift version All over the way good I used to call. Did you ever did you ever call into radio? This this is another thing I did I would call and I'd call into Radio stations at like on the weekends at night. Oh for what it's it like I would require I would request And they think this guy called me who who who was he?

Because I'm trying to it was on ZLX in Boston Which is like a classic rock station and he called me mayor Mike He called me like wow of Quincy like I called in multiple times And would be like messed up and be like play like Pink Floyd or whatever I would do you like get on the air I get on the air Wow, this was how we used to listen to songs before win amp We have to call a radio station and beg them to play a song So you can hear it over the frequency That weird thing that came out it was like a juke an online jukebox that was like after naps. Oh, yeah

We're ever like a DJ a room. Yeah, it was like some sort of precursor to Spotify Yeah, you can like you're it's a virtual you DJing a room and then if enough people vote you away Then another person becomes a DJ. Do you guys remember that? I semi remember this. Yeah, DJ a room Virtual Predated when people called them apps. I think this is like they called it like a website. Yeah website. Yeah, remember website What an archaic term? God, it was so weird back then I used to call in sports radio stations Oh, nice and like because they would have like just like giving away baseball tickets every night because sure It's tens of thousands of tickets

So they're like hey Colin give us your best guess or something We'll give you baseball tickets and like at a certain point I was just like every day in the mail like opening up baseball tickets that I would or wouldn't use Because as a ten-year-old you don't really need to go to a Dodger game every other day It's nice. He was so close to the stadium though. Yeah, I wrote right now I wrote Bill Simmons like an angry you remember you could like he had a thing where you could like write to him Maybe even on the website Oh the mail bag like an online submission form you mean yeah, basically and I wrote like a very angry

Which I wouldn't even want to see you know I was maybe a sophomore or junior in college. So it was like you're fucking you don't speak for all of Boston It was like stuff like that where it was Also, can you play three dog night mama told me not to cover your next column That does seem like a Bill Simmons-y thing to do. Yeah comparing that to like a classic Red Sox moment or something All right, I should introduce you guys talking for nine minutes and some people don't know that you are Nick Weiger and Mike Mitchell That's right. Correct. Mm-hmm Mike Mitchell Mitch Mitch Mike. Yeah, everyone calls me Mitch Yeah, not Mike. No, well, I mean my name is Mike. So I'm fine with it

It just was you know when you're Mike knowing they call you something different. Yeah, your name is Mike They call you they just call you bitch Doe boys headgums newest latest greatest podcast, that's right. We're taking down the network greatest is a little much Yeah, latest is fine Latest that also just kind of sounds like you guys died Very excited to have you on the network very excited to have you on our show now In case for whatever reason some of our fans haven't listened to your show, what's the elevator pitch? What's the log line for the do boys? Hmm. I guess we do get a set. This is gonna be hard

It's I mean it's the podcast about chain restaurants. That's that's you know, that's hitting the sentence we we Mitch and I we both have very strong opinions on food and specifically what we cover is You know the fast food chains and the sit-down chains that are oftentimes derided or ignored in The the MSM the mainstream media Yeah start on those guys. Yep. So so we've you know, we'll go to Olive Garden. We'll go to Denny's We'll go to Wendy's we'll go to Taco Bell and we'll review These chains and and we we treat it with a good degree of seriousness, and I think that's partly what people respond to is that we do actually

Evaluate this food and we're not yeah, and we like it. We're celebrating it. We're not making fun of it. Yeah Yeah, you cheated very seriously you guys are reviewing like something like Taco Bell talking about like the menu items and what you rate Everyone and what you give it on a grand scale and then Nick you start with every episode with like a What do you call it a two to three minute cold open about the brief history of the restaurant? Yeah, it's like it's like a loosely plagiarized monologue from Wikipedia Recite a bunch of facts about that that week's chain usually veers into dark territory Well, that's just my own personal psyche bleeding into it. Has anyone ever done one on you guys I was thinking of starting this episode with that. We you know, we actually went on

Our friend our friend Jess McKenna's podcast there her and her and Zach Sakharino's podcast We're gonna bleep all that out because they're not a headgun podcast, right? But off book they do an improvised musical and we went we guessed it on that and and she surprised us with a with a cold open About the dough boys podcast No, I mean they go call my mom. Yeah. Oh my god. It's amazing called her what? She wouldn't dare She she caught she called her up. She got her on she got her like leave a voice message on her But which is so strange that they were yeah, they were talking to each other

She also got my wife Natalie to record something for that's right. She's a little she's she's a little prankster. She's a little snake She's great. She's a sneakster But this this is our podcast This is an advice show people email us there in sticky situations in need of our guidance for whatever reason Jake and I are happy to oblige sometimes just us sometimes we have new friends in the studio today. It's you guys So what we have here are real emails from real people We give them fake names just to preserve their anonymity in case they're like a little afraid of being outed by their friends and relatives like that Specific situation wasn't me because we weren't talking to that person by their actual name. So Mitch

Why don't we start with you? Oh, wow? Do you have a name to call this guy one dude? Gentleman's name a gentleman's name. Do I have a name for him? Yeah, do you have a name for him? I'm gonna call him Dog dog man Dog dog man or just dog dog dog man dog dog. That sounds like the first video game That was the working title for Mario. Yeah It's a dog in a costume trying to go to a movie You're thinking of dog man, that's not me. I'm dog dog man dog dog man writes I'm a freshman in college and I'm living in a dorm this year is ending and I still don't know 75% of the guys on my floor

And that's fine because almost every interaction I have with them has been negative and I do not particularly care about making friends with any of these guys But recently something slightly more serious has occurred our floor has a problem with clogged toilets And it happens more than it should at least one or two of the five toilets being clogged At all times and it's pretty nasty. I just thought it was due to our floor being full of guys shit happens But it is an ideal and what are you're gonna do besides what are you gonna do besides your best individually not to clog it? However, the other day after leaving the area where the toilets are Which I guess it's just a bathroom

You know the area where the toilets are Leaving the area where the toilets are and going to where the sinks are to wash my hands and this one weird kid was staring at me I washed my hands and left not two seconds later I see him posting on our floor group message a description of me saying I just saw this kid trying to purposefully clog one of the toilets The group message blew up and all the kids on the floor were saying They were gonna kick the shit out of this kid who was clogging this toilets I didn't say anything because one the toilet was not even fucking clogged and two

I can avoid any interaction with these kids at that I want to and three I thought it would blow over and no one would bring it up However, later I see this shit posted in the bathroom and it's a notice that says we know what you look like You are above average height you are white you are have curly light hair You wear glasses and you have a light gray backpack. We've had enough of your immature antics Oh, man, that narrows it down to every guy at college Being a young Jewish man this description of me is pretty accurate and I do have a light gray backpack So what do I do in this situation? Sorry for writing a short novel?

I just hope you get to my question love dog dog man dog dog dog man. All right Or novella if you will I think I think the answer is pretty obvious here new backpack Everything is fine. All you need is the back as a new backpack. Yeah, you don't have to go full fugitive There is the one dude that saw him though Yeah, like so if he's walking down the hall even with a new backpack and that guy is like you're this you're the clogger Right, like that guy will that guy can spot him He has to murder one person to get a new backpack

I should say that the the top of the bulletin said attention Holland Hall toilet clogger We know what you look like so it was a kind of outing him as the toilet clogger I'm just surprised because for me he says he doesn't know 75% of the guys on his floor, which is fine I feel like you know, I'm thinking of my my dorm experience. Definitely didn't I've probably more so I'm taking the over But but I still like knew who they were like I may never have had a conversation with this guy But I know like oh, that's been from my floor You know what I mean like the fact that these guys don't know his name and he doesn't seem to know their name

I'm just wondering how big this how sprawling this dorm floor is what the situation is exactly must be massive But then if there's also a problem in this particular bathroom Uh-huh it even it even that just has to be like a wing of the bathrooms, right like a wing of the hall I'm inferring from this that it's an all-male floor. Is that seemed to be the case. Do you say that specific? Yeah, you constantly mention guys 75% of the guys, right? Did you guys have co-ed bathrooms in college? We did not have co-ed bathrooms, but we had co-ed floors. There were all like there were just like one gender floors I don't know if that's a thing they do anymore, but that was that was we had a we had a single gender floor Yeah, I single gender floor two years in a row actually really and you asked you you preferred it that way, right?

Can I live on a single gender floor preferably ladies? You're kicked out We had a problem with like the sinks or no not that the or the shower drains being clogged from people jerking off into them Hmm, and there was like a notice of like so much semen that was like who was doing that and we're like everybody All of us. Yeah, where are you? Yes, you gotta that's that's a where a lot of yeah, I feel like the only private the only private spot We had that's why you wear shower sandals in the commutals showers. Yeah, why not? I feel like that those those stall

They're they're like bathrooms like I remember them them ours at least they were like kind of just like open and then they were the stall Walls didn't go all the way to the floor. Oh, yeah, they just went like part way down There's where the ours were tile walls that went all the way down, okay? It was still an open room, and there was only curtains. Yeah, it wasn't there wasn't a lot of privacy there I can't imagine there was like a there was a bathtub and in my in the east There was like a bathtub shower. There was like a school There was like a bigger there was like a one big one and then all small ones and then if I if I had to that's where I would and also I would like

Plant it out instead of my you know you you plan around your anyways, just all of this just reminds me of colleges trash I went to Ithaca College in upstate, New York and you just sit in that tub and say this is City Hall down the mayor Smoking a cigar. Yeah Nick you went to UCLA. Yes, I did. I didn't graduate. Why not years ago there, too? I went there three years broken up through. Oh, okay. It's broken. I got you. I went two years. They're almost done Yeah, yeah, I guess I could go I could finish my degree, but at this point what's that gonna get me? You don't have a college degree. No dumbass I have a feeling you knew that

Jake's the same way he doesn't have a college degree either. Oh, that's right Yeah, but I was even less school and my school that I went to was way worse than UCLA. Okay. I was at Stanford But the last school I went to was Hunter College in Manhattan. Okay, that's a legit school. Yeah, that's a real one Yeah, Nick and I Nick and I don't we give a hard time to college. Yeah, it's kind of a it's something of a scam, right? Yes, it absolutely is. It's crazy UCLA is at least like a public school. You probably didn't pay too much money But yeah, and we had in-state tuition and my dad worked for the state. So it was like a little bit, you know, it wasn't a It wasn't especially costly. Yeah, but the

like the tuition still and even in the UC system has grown up so so much and I feel like that's just I mean this I Don't know to talk about college debt But people know how people probably your listeners have some of it know how crippling it can be It took me years to get out of my college debt And I had nothing literally nothing to show for it I think this guy's story just reminds me of colleges like you go there and then you're like, oh, there's like dumb assholes Like you just realize that there's like like the weird guy who probably is the clogger

It's like a game of mafia or it's like, why are you accusing everyone? Yeah, you're them you're the murderer He's them. He's for sure. He's for sure the clogger There's there's also just buy a fucking plunger for that floor or something, right? It I mean it depends on the the severity of the clog because it may be something that needs to be snaked out Spoken like a true That's right, it's me big shits wager BSW I like to that we're trying to get people to

You know come and listen to the dough boys podcast and we're two old men who say they hate college Young listeners people at college hate college, too It is that you you're paying like $50,000 a year to shit next to a bunch of people trying to call it right right? And that college experience is viewed as valuable for some reason when living in the dorms is generally pretty miserable Yeah, I would say I mean, yeah, I don't know. It's we're towards the end of the school year, right? Like it sounds like he's almost I would just try to power through it. What else can you do at this point? Yeah, I mean if you if it escalates to bullying or something. That's That'll show them yeah, but yeah, I mean that that's just like college. It's just sort of

You know when I went to you go for go to go through high school And then you go to college and they kind of like I'm done with high school and then you're like, oh wait It's the same shit. Yeah, and then you get jobs and then you're like, oh, it's all it's just this is just how People behave there's always like you'll have the job and you know someone who clogs the toilet at your job or someone who like You know microwaves they're chilly and the and it gets everywhere and they don't clean it up Like there's just assholes everywhere. It doesn't get better. It never gets better. No But at least in your job, you're getting paid. Yeah. Yeah, I guess so yeah at college You have to pay to just experience this shit, right? Yeah. Anyway, this next question is about somebody who microwaves chili and doesn't clean the micro

That one specifically actually we have a really sweet question, but I want to take some time with it So let me take a break now since we're at about the halfway point of our show. Can you believe it time flies? Wow, we're over 20 minutes deep. Where does it go? We'll be right back with a Mitch and Weiger after this. Thank you to aura frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast You know aura frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network Jake Wow, that's correct I mean, this might be the goat father's day gift. I think it actually is Yeah, yeah, not just father's day But if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon

Mm-hmm these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah for me personally these things are perfect I'll tell you why as you know, I am expecting. Yeah My first child we got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys In our family right now, but they are they're great really easy way to like stay in touch with your family You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything perhaps a baby and then it goes to their digital photo Yeah frame. This is actually how we how we told Jill's grandma. She was pregnant. We got her the aura frame

We plugged it in Jill's grandma was pregnant Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife and you're trying to make a joke of it I was just being goofy a little bit like uh, this is how I told my grandma. She was pregnant Yeah, yeah, kind of like a she misheard it or something like that or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my god. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes and we let her know with an aura. Yeah Thank you the aura announcement Uh, so you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app

Add me to your aura app I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something that could be funny Yeah, like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah Yeah, exactly you can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display As soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah, it's a great gift a really really iconic gift And right now you can save on the perfect father's day gift and visit aura frames. That's a you are a frames dot com And our listeners can use code head gum to get up to 30 dollars off plus free shipping On the best selling frames. There it is. Oh, wow. This is timely. The deal ends on june 18

So don't wait terms and conditions apply. That's aura frames a u r a frames dot com Okay, go get your parents something. All right and use the code head gum for 30 dollars off plus free shipping Thank you, aura and now back to the head gum podcast you were listening to This show is sponsored by better help. Thank you. Better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult anxious stressful situation talking to a professional license therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that Difficult place and it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist Especially one in your area

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I should apologize to your mom. Yeah I don't even know the origin story of it now, but that's neither here nor there Uh, do either a lot of raunch in your guys's music If you thought the opening theme song was body Uh Do you guys have any unsolicited advice for us? I got a little something and you know, we were in the world of uh, male You know hygiene to some degree earlier and this is this is along those lines. Um

This is a trick I learned Put your socks on before your underwear Oh Because that way any fungus on your feet is not going to transfer upward to your genitals by by Your underwear like legs dragging along it as you as you put them. Uh, you're yeah, the Your feet rather touching your underwear as you put it on is that or is that like real like doctor advice? Yeah, it's like an actual or is that like you're a neat you're like some sort of OCD person, right? I've conducted some tests on my own

No, this is the thing I actually read online about like how to not get jock itch and I was like, oh, okay I'll start doing that. Holy shit. I had jock it. Yeah, uh over the summer. Yeah, I've had it off I've had it before it's it's really miserable and it's like a like a punch line sort of, you know Alement to be like, aha jock itch. Oh boy, but it actually is very uncomfortable and you got to have some sort of cream Like on your it's just horrible. What I'll do is I'll put the cream on my feet And there you go. Yeah that way when I drag my tight tight underwear up my legs The residue from the cream traveling all the way up my pale thighs finally landing where the jock itch is I can't put the socks on first. Sure you can. No, I always wait to put the socks on when I'm about to put my shoes on

Right. I wait my socks my morning routine is underwear pants Socks in my pocket And then I make coffee. Oh socks in your pot. I don't put the socks. I don't put the socks on it's all about to leave I'll tell you what I thought you were gonna say put the socks on before pants Which is what I've been doing because it's easier to put your pants on over your socks than put your socks on under your pants I do do that. I've I've like I've always done that but that was a more The socks before underwear was something that I started doing after that Yeah, that that in terms of pulling pulling your socks up under your pants. I mean, we got some tight pants. That can be tricky

Yeah, yeah, that's that's do you go belt first and then pants So you put the belt on around your naked waist And then you pulled around my neck Hat on my dick sock on my nose Everything is topsy-turvy dry humping a pillow Um, do you guys do you guys do barefoot in the house or like socks socks walking around your house? We have a shoe-free home. Um, so I yeah, I will take my shoes off when I get home And and won't put them on until I leave that again until I leave the house as far as socks versus bare feet

I mean, I think it's supposed it's better to be barefoot, right? Because your your feet aren't getting sweaty You're not getting um that moisture trapped in there But sometimes if it's a little if it's a little cold a little frigid I'll put on some socks just just We have a slipper house. Okay. Well actually I just me right But like I'm an old man now. I have orthopedic Slippers that are really really soft and I don't know. I sound great. Oh, it's so nice. I look forward to them I have custom insoles in my new balances. So I'm I'm an old man as well And let me like adapting to that old man life. It's delightful. I got dr. Scholes in my in my sneakers right now

And uh, they're feeling they're I'm jelling Call me mud-jelling. It's funny when we when when doe boys joined headgum I was reading some of the tweet replies and some of the people were saying that Uh, the the similarities between me and jake and you guys and a lot of people were saying that Liger was more of a me and that mitch was more of a jake But now I'm seeing some similarities between you two right. Yeah the non the non shoe lifestyle Yeah, I think I think a lot of the people say is suggesting a connection between uh, us of ears is the Southland connection. That's right. We're both from so Cal. Yeah, so I think that I think that's uh, you know

That's part of where that came from Laker fans, right? You guys are like the robots of your that's right. Yeah, that's true That too. Yeah, sure. Yeah, and then when you're the human I'm the human good man It when you came here just eight minutes ago. You were changing the clock on our oven. That's true Without asking You guys like I called them out on it. Yeah, but like wrong or was it not even on it was wrong It was about I mean it was like 20 minutes early. Yeah, did you hear the anger in his voice when he said it was wrong? It was wrong It was an easy thing to think I had I told mitch I had that model stove before in a previous apartment

So I was like, okay, I know exactly how to change this. Wow. Yeah, he he put on a a blindfold and did it And then he turned three of the stovetops on gas only Yeah, he's lighting a match and throwing it over through the window They took head come down from the inside That was that was a solid unsolicited device. That's the exact level we want. Okay, great. Oh, man. I don't have one I don't I mean like I was gonna I was trying to think of one when when nick was giving his and I'm like, I know I have some something some sort of life hack. Yeah, you know, uh buy a rumba Oh, okay. I actually put one on my wedding registry. Did you yeah, that's the only thing on it

I was trying to think of things that I mean I have two cats and I was just trying to think of things that have like really helped Out my life and the the rumba is is is is very helpful to me. I mean, I know it's an expensive gift It's not an easy thing. How much is a rumba? I mean that's 200 bucks. Yeah for a nice one. It's uh 232 There's uh, yeah, there's a really good. There's a clean floors or carpets or both both. It's a vacuum It's a little vacuum. They're good. They're they're good now. I think when they first came out, they were bad Yeah, I bet and now and now the rumba they're good now. They they travel around Can you tell me how they move? Is it a row by row or is it just random and it's eventually getting into everything It's kind of random like it and then it maps out your house and it moves around

The cats love it. They chase it around. It's very fun. Cute. Did they ever write it? Well, uh, no, you know, I thought about that though They might be a little they might weigh too much But that would be very that would be very cute And how often guessed on one time that said Whose advice was to get two cats and I'm not kidding. Well, really? Yeah. Yeah Dude has two cats and he loves it. Yeah, if you I that has it changed my life At the same time, I got him both of the their brother and sister and that was just ever listening to that episode, right, Mitch?

People really take the advice to heart their brother and sister though at one point they were getting a little frisky with each other Cersei and Jamie Lannister game of thrones style Wait, so how long how long have you had the cats? I've had them for two years now And how long have you had the Roomba and I've had the Roomba for about one year now and it's been it's been great And if you had to choose Roomba I heard you need to get two Roombas because then he doesn't get too lonely Tethered by their bluetooth. I'm on Roomba.com right now. Sorry. I should say irobot.com. That's right. I robot the movie makes a

Robot that can actually clean your home Do you know the difference between these four models of Roomba? Is there that many differences between a self-moving Vacuum be nice if one of them had like a camera so you could watch from your phone what part of the house it was cleaning That's good. That's very good. Wi-Fi enabled or something. I like that Is there's probably one that's like a thousand dollars, right? Uh, you're talking about the 980 model Yeah, titanium alloy same as your new balances polished iron Polished iron chassis. I mean this is beautiful hell. Yeah, and it plays music. I love the specs

I love how long do you what's the torque on that bad boy? How long do you keep it on? Is it on all day? And it goes once it's scheduled once a day every day schedule Does it plug itself in? It does it goes it goes back to the charging dock on its own. Awesome. Sometimes it's funny. You'll find it like You'll find it just like it will say it's like on a ledge or something and you'll go and see it like trapped You know like oh Roomba It's drunk on red wine I was worried sick not that you care

I guess I'm programmed to clean after you I wish you were programmed to give a shit Spilling it on the white card Roomba see if I can get that out you And I'll say this about the Roomba Is that before I got the Roomba Uh, the cats were tracking litter so much That I felt litter in my bed

And that's when I said I need to make some sort of change here because they're tracking litter everywhere Right, and so that's that's when I bought but the Roomba's not getting your bed The Roomba the Roomba is the Roomba gets the letter before it gets in the bed. Yeah Yeah, this is so if you if you put the area and this is I've got it the Roomba About a year ago. So for two years, but um This this isn't bragging about I want to tell this but A girl had come over and hell yeah

And she got into my bed and she said were you eating snacks in your bed because the litter Oh, no had been all the litter was over But at that point you almost have to lie and be like, yes Can I have this snack then the small little oat snack? I'm gonna eat it Great nerds Do you know she wasn't do you know? She wasn't if she wasn't just reacting to the like the Reese's wrappers that are just in your In addition to the litter it was my mom by the way, I'll just ask her whenever

Uh, all right solid two two solid bits of advice Yes One coming from the mind of a germaphobe and the other awesome little Roomba device and we have a coupon code for that I imagine uh, yeah, uh I I I Mitch Well, you got your own personal website, too Uh, all right. Here's a more of a sweeter question coming from a lady listener Wager, why don't you give us a sweet lady's name? Oh a sweet lady's name? Hey, who's sweeter than princess peach?

Nick that's nice. God you're rock hard Nick are you from the iRobot company as well? Because you are just good clean fun Princess peach writes, uh Let's get down to business. Do either of you have problems concentrating on the creative process. I want to write I love to write. I have a million ideas. I have started so many projects But I have such an intensely difficult time actually finishing anything Any advice on how to keep your keep yourself motivated would be groovy much love

Uh princess peach. This is a good example of the mail questions We get the toilet clogger versus the female who wants to just finish writing assignments occasionally Uh, what are your guys's day jobs for those of you who don't know do you have day jobs? Would you consider yourselves writers actors comedians? I mean I I The bulk of my income comes from writing jobs. So I mean that that's that's how I Classified myself. I I used to be a staff writer until fairly recently I was a staff writer on this comedy central show called at midnight and I've worked a lot in variety sketch

and a lot of times there you're under a deadline and the thing I would say as far as What was useful about that in terms of transferring it to my own work is just like the Imposing a deadline Is the best inspiration like you'll get something done You're just like, okay have to get this thing done by this period of time We're we're meeting at 8 a.m to write a show that is going to tape at 3 o'clock This afternoon and is going to air at 11 o'clock tonight

So we just we have this much time to write the show and if you don't do it I mean you just have to do it because that's what you have to do. Yeah, so um I would just say like in like try to impose deadlines on yourself and try to stick by them in the same way that you'll be like Okay, I have this yoga class that I have to go to and it's at this time And I'm going to go to it because I've signed up for it and I paid for it and that will Help me stay accountable from an exercise standpoint Easier than just saying like you know what I should start jogging like having like a clear tangible obligation Try to impose that on yourself. And if that doesn't work with just you

I mean maybe a group of like-minded colleagues and friends you can you can collaborate with and and all hold each other accountable But yeah, that's the only thing that works for me really it's it's it's always tough though I I still find myself like starting things and abandoning things. Yeah It's hard to even start things Starting's the hard part before you starting is very hard I I think the advice of writing with people is good because I I mean I am a writer actor So that means I'm barely not a writer. I guess but I but anytime I do like to write I I like to write with other people so I get together and share it with them. Sure. Yeah

Yeah, like knowing your what you bring to the table like maybe For me like I needed an emir. I need somebody that like focuses our energy and like and meets the deadlines like right like you're talking about uh so If I have that then I can contribute like, you know My style of creativity and things get done. So finding a writing partner is one and I would also say She's talking about having a million ideas try just having like five Yeah, you're five five five five narrow it down

Yeah, maybe I mean maybe try and pitch some of those ideas to some trusted friends and see what maybe they'll they'll help guide you And which ones you should focus on right and a little writing group you got out You'd have to hold yourself accountable. So if you if you got a few friends that were writers And I say every every sunday we meet or something then You'd have to you want to have something there to read, right? Right. Yeah, that's good I always I always find it so hard for I only know about comedy writing But like when I hear about somebody writing a script by themselves like how do you know? What's funny like when mean jake, right? We just write

I come up with a joke and if it makes him laugh then it's good and if it doesn't then it's bad And if it's just like me alone in a room and I like show the joke to the wall and it's complete silence Right. Well, I hope that's good times 120 pages like I hope this is good I hope this is good and then you show the finished product to someone that seems like impossible to me How are you supposed to know something's funny if there's like a room full of nothing in front of you? Yeah, I think that's a scary thing in comedy is that When like when it's gone when everyone just like doesn't laugh anymore like I could show you Well, I mean I was gonna say I could show you my funniest joke and you wouldn't laugh but that just means it's not funny

But I'm saying like you don't laugh much anymore. You're done. Oh, I don't think that's true. You're dead inside. No But you would say a lot of people don't laugh anymore at like a right I mean, I think maybe I mean you're maybe talking about the the sort of jaded comedy writer side of things Which may not be who the princess peaches That may not be her circle, but yeah, that that is the thing that happens I think you get the too cool for school people who are like nod and that's funny Right instead of like a genuine laugh. Yeah, or something's got to be like meta or like format breaking to actually Evoke a laugh because they know they're just familiar with all the tricks and whatever, you know

Do you know that's a harvard lampoon thing is like the like that they don't laugh like they only laugh at something They think is very they'd never give a courtesy like like uh, there's some there's some people who like adhere to it But they're like they never give a courtesy laugh. That's hard. That's that just makes things uncomfortable for you Like if somebody says a joke, you just stare at them like that's bad for everyone Harvard seems harvard people are smart, but that's dumb. That's Like that just that that's a comedy killer. Yeah, courtesy laugh is like let's keep this conversation alive Right. Yeah, it's the that's I would get I always get courtesy laughs the way I get laughs Also, if somebody asks you a question that you don't necessarily agree with that you they're told not to answer

so you You just stare at them in silence until they have to ask something more interesting or thought provoking You know what? This is a good point. Princess peach surround yourself with Toads in mario and luigi Stay away from waluigi mario And all the bowser especially. Yeah. Yeah bowser especially pre donkey kong country donkey kong or cranky kong Iggy

Yeah, I wish we only gave her this advice instead of any other writing advice Stay away from blood wig Bond you're you're naming all the little bowser's all the koopalings. Yeah Who are at one point the koopa kids, but they've been retconned into just being sort of a koopa bowser affiliates Because bowser jr. Is is now his one kid. Oh, yeah, and they and they've also they've clever They they've clarified that bowser's dick doesn't work, right? Right. Yeah, because who like who's bowser's wife? Yeah, that's a good point. Who's he fucking? Where's the mom bowser? We should see a mom bowser. That's a great idea Or a mouser for short. Oh, although there was a mouse. There is a mouse. A different character. Yeah

Is mouser the boss and two is that who? Yeah, that's like an electric mouse rat with sunglasses, I think Oh, right. Oh wait. Yes. Wait. Hold on a second because there's a ninja turtles mouser Yeah, that's a different thing. Oh really and then there's a and then the boss of of mario two is a mouse with sunglasses That is called mouser. I think so Has anyone talked about mouser being a female bowser? All right, let's get to one last question. This one's from a lady who uh, it's a good combination of the first two questions We've asked Try to answer, but she's writing and shitting. Yeah

Do you have a female lady's name? Uh, yeah Of course, I do and it's really good and here it is. Here it is Helen Donovan my grandmother Let's see you make fun of that one, Nick First lady in Quincy What do you think of that, Nick? I she I'm sure she was a lovely woman. She's still alive. You bastard. Oh, wow All right, what'd you say her name was Helen? Yeah Helen Donovan Helen writes My roommate and I have been living together for eight months

When we moved in she brought a couple flashlights with her She put one of them in the bathroom counter on move-in day. I didn't think of anything on the bathroom Yes on the sorry on the bathroom counter. I didn't think anything of it Just thinking she liked to be prepared for everything Well, we have a very small bathroom So I put it in the cabinet out of the way a couple days later the next morning I went it was back on the counter Again, I put it back in the cabinet and two days later. It was back on the counter

This has continued for the past eight months I I gave up putting it in the cabinet, but it moves around every day as if it's being used It's a weird and unimportant thing But I'm just so curious about what she's doing with it there on a daily basis I told my friend about it and she thought maybe she was using it as a dildo But honestly, there's too many protruding knobs and such on it for me to think that's possible My question is should I ask my roommate what's going on here? Or do I run the risk of embarrassing her that it is a sexual thing?

Do you guys have any idea what she could be using it for besides maybe just some Additional focused lighting. Thanks. Love Helen. All right theories. Oh man. I don't know my Can we just call her Nana by the way I didn't realize this would be about dildos at all Um, I why not? I mean if she's just got it out on the counter That she can't be that private. It can't be that private and she if she it's something she wants to lie about She'll have a lie prepared because she'll know it's been discovered. Yeah Well, I'm not be on the counter like almost eliminates dildo. Yeah, of course

You don't just leave your dildo out on the counter unless it looks like a flashlight and everyone else is none Lies Here's my here's my theory She gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night But she doesn't want to turn on the lights because it like wakes her up too much So she just has the flashlight to sort of get her buried insane. No, that is the right answer. That's exactly Have you heard of a cell phone before and the light from the I don't know what her cell phone charging situation is Or maybe this is something she started doing when she was younger and it's just a practice

Hold on a second. Yeah, you don't know what her cell phone charging situation. Maybe she charges it I used to charge my cell phone in our home office and it wasn't by my nightstand So like if I if I want very adult, but also I think if I was using my cell phone flashlight I would see like my alerts in the middle in the middle of the night and then I would be compelled to check my phone And then I would wake up You I'm very sensitive to light. Yeah, I don't I don't want a lot of light coming in in the middle of the night But this doesn't it doesn't seem like she's in her bedroom. It seems like just like a common room, right? No, she said it was on the bed in on the bathroom counter

Okay, but also but I mean the bathroom counter That's not attached to her room or anything, right? Right. I think I think she gets into the bathroom I think she can navigate her way to the bathroom But then she needs a little bit of a light assist to find the toilet slash takes a little twilight tinkle. Yeah Just a theory I think yeah, I think you're right and I think the way I think the way you solve it is You put the flashlight away. You get a night light. Yes That's a nice a nice low

Uh, low night light for the bathroom and that's on all the time though, right? Uh, you can do a motion a motion sensor one. That's really nice. Can I can I can I can I just say something here? No, no, we're done. We came up with the right answer Nana, uh, here's what you got to do. Yeah Fucking address this with your roommate. Just talk about it That's ask her why why let's just say why is the flat it's so it this these weird roommate things can become such like Weird shitty heavy things if you just don't talk and who cares just a flashlight I mean it does only feel weird because of how much you're thinking about it

Yeah, like that's that's what happens when you when you go in your own head on shit And like then it's like oh, it's gonna be weird to bring it up She'll know how much I've been thinking about it, but you don't have to bring it up like that Yeah, you don't have to like sit her down and be like we have to talk about the flashlight Yeah, you could just be like do you use the flashlight for like when you go to the bathroom to like not wake me up? I mean, there's many ways. She's like what the fuck? No, I jam it up my sniz It's my dildo And actually

If we use the nightlight, I'll be using that as a little dildo too Everything in this house is my dildo grinding my crotch against the walls Snail trail everywhere. I can turn anything into a dildo Hell, I'll turn you into a dildo, man Doors locked Get away from me snail snail trail Snail trail really good that got me

We had a we had a whole question about a snail trail and I already forget what the purpose of it was Yeah, me too, but this guy thought that oh, it was just like the apartment smelled bad and he thought his mother-in-law was like Rubbing her vagina on the walls. Oh god Snail trail is like such a vial Yeah Sounds just terrible. It really does All right, that's those are those are two very Perfect answers. It's either one. She's using it the flashlight as a light or two

Why don't you just ask her what she's fucking using the flashlight? Yeah, and I'll also say I'll I'll Second Mitch's answer because that that's really the like like you can speculate all you want But you need to know so just ask her and it's not gonna be that embarrassing or she'll just lie about it If it is well, let's get to the the root of the show is if I were you what would you do if you're in the situation? Would you ask or would you yeah, I would ask I would ask yeah, I'd ask Yeah, I'd also ask It's not a big deal at all and ask and let us know this this deserves a follow-up pup for sure

Yeah, we deserve to know maybe I just would buy the nightlight first and then if it continued to happen I'd ask I think that's I yeah, that's true But I feel like I would be nervous that I tried to yeah I wouldn't want to like tip my hand that I thought about it without right Talking to her I think it's just it can be super casual like hey, and sorry like what is that flashlight in the bathroom all about? I'm so curious like you could just you can say in a very casual right through that. I knew you that's how you ask me Mitch, uh, what so why were you 15 minutes late? It's the same I shove it up my cross without you

That's probably what you're thinking Because you expect the worst from me I want to move out Awesome, that's it. We did it. We had some questions. We had some fun. Uh, do you guys have anything to promote? Talk about Anything that you want our fans to know about yourself or your show check out dough boys the podcast about chain restaurants with me and Mitch new episodes every thursday right here on the head gum network. Nice Very good. I also do want to promote

The show little big awesome. It's an animated show On amazon and I do a little voice in it a little voice. Yeah an earnest An earnest plug I have right now. Uh, yeah, listen watch it on amazon an honest to goodness plug. Mm-hmm. It's about time Yeah, uh, awesome guys check out dough boys too, of course. Yeah, obviously. Yeah Um Favorite episode of dough boys. I was gonna recommend specifically the nugget power hour because oh, yeah If you love uh, gabris nicole buyer and uh, these two just eating one nugget a minute for an hour Right. Oh my god. Who do you think makes it all the way? Spoiler alert. It's obviously

Uh, yeah, that was that was a lot of I mean they're they're two of the funniest people and and that was that one was a Lot of fun a little different than our normal format, but absolutely uh, uh, when did you tap out on the nugget power? Very early on I have a small appetite Was it like 12 or was it like no, I got I got to like 20 something But I was I was out me and nicole were out about about the same time I've I've said before like I'm I'm the you know, I'm the guy who makes the buffet Profitable because I get full very quickly. So I'll I'll I'll I tap out at one plate We're giving a breakdown, but that doesn't matter. You're listening to it for the yeah gabris gabris one. Yeah

Gabris eight more than you're supposed. He ate 62 We're supposed to eat 60 nuggets. He went roger maris on that ass No performance enhancing drugs either Straight natural homie. Actually, he did he did use performance. He got high Right. Oh, that is performance. Did he use sauce? You guys dip in sauce. Oh, yeah, he used sauce. Yeah, I gave him I gave him like a honey from the kitchen He used he used honey. Oh, that's nice. It's basically sliding. Yeah, that would up my nugget intake to about 30 or 40 I bet

Um, and do you guys have like a favorite episode in case people want to try out something specific Dick, um, I would say I I mean, I think you can hop on any of our Recent episodes, right? Do we have a favorite? I'm just I'm trying to think of one Uh, I don't know. There's there's if I think if you see someone who you who you like on there That there's we got a lot of funny people coming on. Yeah, you know, we did a we did uh We did an episode with jason manzukas pretty recently. That was a lot of fun I mean, yeah, I did look for I like the wendy's episode because wendy's is one of my favorite fast food spots Or any of the taco bell ones. Yeah. Yeah, I look for a chain. You like or a guest. You like they're they're all the same

They're all like they're all bad, but But equally so yeah, but equally so You can't go wrong or right Uh, awesome. Thanks guys for coming on our show. Thank you. Thanks for having us Uh, the opening theme song was written by claire this closing one was written by kyle nether soul Um, and if you have your own theme songs or questions, send it all down to if i were you show at gmail.com I should say we're going to europe too. Oh, that's right. Uh, I don't know how available the tickets are yet But we'll put something online. Just get excited if you live in dublin amsterdam in london

That's right, and we're going to be in nashville on april 22nd Uh, if i were you show dot com for all those details and we'll see you back on our podcast Uh in a week from right now. Boom later everybody Late in the evening pitting my stomach Advice I wish I'd gotten From jake and amir They'll answer your questions with little pretension. They don't know much They do new other stuff

If I were you I would send my questions to jake and amir If I were you show at gmail.com Worry you You might not like what you hear, but you hear what you like Isn't that what's important? Worry you Your advisor

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