If I Were You - 325: Jew Snacks and Life Hacks

Episode Date: April 23, 2018

In this episode we discuss ring foods, cities we've never been to, and how to meet your new best friend, in another rousing rendition of Twitter Lightning Round!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. You say you got a million problems and you don't know quite how to solve them. Just call on Jake in a mirror. Let's tell you which way to go. It's the fox for the world to hear. Only if I were your show. How's that for short and sweet? Very soothing.

I like that. Very sweet. That was Steven McDonald from Massachusetts. Sorry, Massachusetts. No, you were right the first time. Massachusetts. Yes. You say Massachusetts.

Sorry. I see it now. Massachusetts. People can check out my original mucus. Oh no, you forgot how to read. But you're not totally... Pretty much anywhere by searching. Sorry.

Chursing. No, you're saying the right word and then you're correcting yourself and saying... It's super wrong. My old band, The OK Win. Oh, sorry. The Kauai... No, well this is a bad time to do the bit. Say the real name of the band.

You asked. The OK Win is the name of the band. Whoa. Or you can go to my website, steven.news. That's pretty cool. Whoa. Dot news extension. Dot news.

That's what you should get. Would you rather have jakeherwitz.com back or jake.news? jakeherwitz.com back. Of course. Jake.news seems like you put a typo in a sentence or something. But I kind of like dot news. I do too. I don't hate it.

Dot news domain search. Let's see if we can find a good dot news. Fake.news? Dot news? Whoa, that's definitely taken. Right? It'd be crazy if it wasn't. Wait a minute.

Oh, it says it's available, but it costs $10,000. That's a fine deal. Yeah, that's not bad. What's another? Let's see Amir.news. If that's available. Amir.news for all the news on... Oh, yeah, it's taken.

Of course. Of course. Basketball.news. This is great radio. It's taken. What are we doing? We're searching for dot news. I've lost you.

No, I'm not. You are. You're supposed to be hosting a podcast. Choose.news is taken. Yeah, that's a lot of them are taken. So at least say things that are available. If you're going to go on this strange tangent, don't say it so excitedly. Whoa, photography.news is taken.

Is taken. Yeah. Awesome. Why are you saying it so happily? I'm just saying it's... It was once... Photography.news isn't even that good of a website. Of course.

Of course it's not. Anyway, this is a fiery show. The only podcast on... We look for dot news web extension. That's exclusively dedicated to dot news. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. And it's actually an advice show.

We comb the internet looking for people who are in need of our help. Most of the times they just email us so it's not that big of a deal. The fiery show at gmail.com. Today is a special. It's a Twitter lightning round episode. Which means I tweet. Anybody got a quick question for us? And people have to hit us with their best thoughts.

Hit us with their best thoughts. Fire away. This is good. I wanted to get through these questions before you went to New Orleans this weekend and maybe died. Yeah, that's always a possibility when I go on vacay. To New Orleans with... Mama Bear, Mike Carnell.

Are the Rosenberg twins going? They are. Both? Yes. OMG. That seems like a dangerous recipe for disaster. Yeah. I mean, Mike and the Rosenbergs, we're not even talking about frigging Hank.

Oh, Hank the Tank. Hank's going dude. You know he'll be there. You know it. Are you probably going to do like take it easy like a food and wine tour of New Orleans? I might do like a wine bar. Yeah, and an espresso Thursday night. Yeah, if you want to like call it a night early just so that you can hit up the museums on

Friday morning. Because on Friday, World War II museum and then French Quarter architecture tour. Right. And you have to do that before it gets too late otherwise you run into a lot of riffraff. Yeah, because as the sun sets in New Orleans, you don't want to be out and about on the street. I try to get in before the evening. Yeah.

And then that's my time to unwind and I haven't read any of my periodicals because I had been in the city so in the evening I'll just read magazines and newspapers. And you have just a hotel room or a motel room where you're sort of separate. So at night you can sort of individually wind out. You don't have to like spend your time unwinding with other people. I'd really hate to have an unhealthy time in NOLA. And then are you coming back on Saturday? Are you going to stick go through the weekend there?

I'm going to stick it out through the weekend. I'm trying to take it easy because on Saturday I'm going to do a drug infested rave. I'm going to shove Molly and cocaine up my ass and around the corner. I'm going to stick a baton rouge up my rouge. I know I'm looking forward to it. It's going to be fun. I can't wait to hear the stories that come out of there. Yeah.

Well, you'll see me on Sunday. If I survive, we have a show in Nashville on Sunday. Oh, shit. That's right. This episode comes out the day after that, so no need to reference it. Of course. It was an amazing show. Oh, yeah.

You're going to go from a bachelor party to a live show. Yeah. You're going to be a shell of a man. It's really true. I got it. Jesus Christ. We're going to have to take it easy on Saturday, which doesn't sound like me. Or anyone really in New Orleans.

Would you say bachelor parties are more fun than the weddings? Definitely a different kind of fun. I think the weddings are fun in part because you're surrounded by friends and family. Right. It's a little bit more of a wholesome love fest. I bet it's more fulfilling. Yeah. Your hearts are more full, but you're not necessarily going ham.

The raucous debauchery of a bachelor party. Yeah. I don't know. I guess I have to go to both and we'll see. Is there anything planned for this bachelor party as far as you know? I think we're going to a basketball game. That seems fine. That's kind of all I know.

All right. Let's get to these questions. Do you have anyone to start us off? Oh, yeah. I did have a question that I actually liked. Yeah. It was hold for it. That's okay.

Hold for it. I'll look up some more dot news while you look. Hold for it. Keep on holding. Oh, all right. Yeah. Shady dot news. No news.

It's taken. It's taken. It's absolutely taken. This one comes from Patrick Keppel. What is he? Yiddish. He asks, what is the best ring food? Donuts, onion rings, et cetera.

Oh, a food that's a circle with a hole in the middle. Yeah. So what are our options here? It's a ring. We got donuts. We got bagels. We got onion rings. Onion rings.

I mean, he basically took two, funny as a sort of onion rings. He took two of the three that I would have known in the question. Is there any other option there? Ring pops. Is that a ring food? The food itself is not a ring. It just is placed on a ring. It's on a ring.

Yeah. You better believe that's a ring food. It's literally a ring. Everything else just represents a ring. What about a single onion? You know how you can make them in ring form? Yeah. Like a circle.

Right. Like a circle part of an onion. That's true. I guess a bagel is probably the right answer though. Bagel's your favorite ring food? Well, I mean, is it a bacon egg and cheese on a bagel? No, it's a bacon egg and cheese on an onion. Can I get a bacon egg and cheese on an onion?

And do you have diet, diet snapple? That's one that I can eat the glass and it's calorie free. And it doesn't come with a frigging fact on the top. Because I know for a fact that I can't eat the glass. I learned that the easy way. Somebody told me and I never tried it. I'll go doughnut. You'll go bagel?

Yeah. That actually brings us to this next question. What is your favorite Jewish snack? You can almost say bagel again. I don't even know. Schnitzel? Schnitzel's pretty Jewish. Is that a snack?

Hummus? Yeah, hummus is Jewish for sure. Matzabal soup is my favorite food. That's not really a snack. It's a full meal. There's beastly, which is a snack from Israel. That could be a Jewish snack. Oh, latkes.

Yeah. Oh, latkes are good too. That's my shit. That came from Elboy Logan Farrell 85. Do you have another one? What's the best tie-shirt color combo to wear to a wedding? Tie-shirt color combo. Yeah.

I guess white shirt is the safest bet and then you can futz with the suit color and the tie. That's what I- Do you go matchy-matchy, like blue and blue? I guess there's one time I can remember that I wore a blue shirt with a dark or gray suit, but I'm a big fan of just a white shirt. A nice crisp white. Yeah. And then have fun with the tie and the suit color.

If it's a summer wedding, you could go like bright blue suit. It's kind of fun. And you can even go shirt no tie if it's a hot wedding. That's true. Dremont Green once wore a short sleeve jacket and shorts in his suit. How's that for a summer wedding look? Yeah. That sounds awful.

Okay. For sure. I have to make a return with regards to your wedding. Oh, yeah. You have to wear the same shit as me. I don't have to. You can't be after you. You can just pull my ass down.

You're not a groomsman anymore. Because I'm actively sabotaging it? Yes, exactly. What the hell is that? Exactly. Actually, you can hear all about it on groomsman.news, which is available. Of course that one's available. Right.

Obviously. Of course. What else you got? How do you make friends in a new city? I recently moved after getting a new job, asks Teague Hip Kiss. Oh, that is a tough one. I don't know. I never moved to a completely new city without a job.

Oh, wait. He has a job. Yeah, he has a job. So you'll make friends at work. I also pick up a hobby. For instance, I made two friends when I didn't have that many friends in LA at the rock climbing gym. Shout out to Stacy and Katie.

Oh, that's good. See, but then you have to actually like shit. I don't have time to do that. Right. Well, I guess if you're not a negative little troll boy. I'm a nasty little boy. And I'll meet crabby attitude and an ass to boot. Crabby.news.

Yeah, you got a bad attitude, but a fat ass. And that's why you're my friend. I have a bad attitude. Honestly, if you didn't have such a plump, juicy ass, I don't think we'd hang out. I don't think we would be friends. Which is a way to make friends. Are there any dating apps for friends like Tinder, but for friends? I've heard of girls doing that, like matching with other girls.

Yeah, I think all those dating apps have like a looking for friends setting. Yeah, but that just seems fake, doesn't it? It does. Years ago, it seemed fake to meet your girlfriend or boyfriend on Tinder. So maybe it's more status quo now. It's a very funny story to say you met your best friend on Tinder. Well, that's what you could say if like you met your wife there. I met my best friend and my wife on Tinder.

I guess that's true. Juliana Bibaut says, does Micah need a date to the wedding? Ooh, no, he doesn't. Okay, let's see here. Roelle Prank writes, what will happen when there are only seven of us at the Amsterdam show? That's actually a great segue into saying that we are doing our first show ever in Amsterdam. Yeah, we're trying to sell out the Zoll. Oh, the Zoll.

We don't really know what Zoll means, but it's a section on the seating chart. It's all good for sure. Nice. We're going to Amsterdam, London, and Dublin on June 4th, 6th, and 10th in some sort of order. I'm going to put all the information on it, farreuseshow.com. As of now, Dublin tickets are available, Amsterdam tickets are available. We're working on getting London tickets available, so hopefully they're all available come Monday when this episode comes out. Truth?

Monday, April 23rd when this episode comes out. We're recording this on a Wednesday, so I don't think it's like super outdated. Do you have a good question? This girl, Ellie Rose says, is it weird to go on holiday with my boyfriend and his best friend to a Greek island if that helps? P.S., is it weird to move in with my boyfriend and his best friend? Interesting. So let's put this in our terms. A lady, my lady or yours asks us if she can go on vacation with me and you.

Yeah, I guess it's weirder that me and you want to go on a vacation without. Although sometimes we'll do a trip, a work trip, and a significant other will attend. Like, Streeter's wife came to Australia and that was fun. Yeah. I think the vacation's not weird at all. That'll just be a fun time. But do you want to move in? You once lived with Streeter and his girlfriend.

Yeah. Was that fine to have? I mean, I guess I don't think I cared that much. I was younger. I don't think it's something I would do now. Yeah, it seems like it would be the hardest on the person who had a best friend and a girlfriend and he's just trying to juggle that 24-7. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, I don't know.

I don't think you want to move in with a boyfriend and his best friend. That seems weird. But vacation? Yeah. Especially the Greek islands. Unless you're moving in on the Greek islands. That's even better. In which case, yeah.

Do you get a good one? If you could fly, but it took the same amount of energy as running, how often would you do it? Probably. I like that question because you always think about like, oh, I wish I could fly. And it's just effortless. But you imagine just like, yeah, just like flying with your mind. Floating really. But like walking takes effort, running takes effort.

Yeah. So imagine if you could fly, but it was really hard. Yeah, just as hard as like, I guess it would be even harder than running because you're sustaining yourself. You imagine flapping? I don't think I would imagine like flapping or moving, but it's just like soaring. You imagine soaring. I think it's, yeah, but it's more, I guess like a concentration like flexing or something. That's what it would take.

Oh, I see. So you're just sort of like working out and flying at the same time. I would almost be like holding a plank. So that's how hard, like you could do it for like a minute too if you're really in good shape. Right. And if you do it all the time, you could hold a plank for like a couple minutes. Yeah. And that's, I guess if you could fly, it would be so fun.

Planks aren't fun. That's why people don't do it very often. I love planking. Really? Yeah. So why don't you plank for the rest of the show? Fine. I'll post the video to plank.news and it is available.

Right. And why wouldn't it be? It doesn't make any sense. Of course. Plank.ninja is available. Is it? Probably. There's a .ninja extension.

I think there is. God, I yearn for a simpler time. Give me a .com and a .net. At worse .org, but that's it. .gov maybe and hell .news. Why not? So you don't yearn for a simpler time. Oh, here's a good one from Jeffrey James, he asks.

I went in to get tested for STIs. The doc took one look at me, burst out laughing and she said, didn't need to draw any blood to know I was a virgin loser. How can I prove to my jerk urologist that I get girls? Says Jeffrey James. How can he prove to his urologist that he gets girls? Because she laughed at him. I guess you have to go back.

You have to find a way to get an STD, whether or not it's from a woman or if it's just you rubbing your penis near a dumpster or something. Yeah, because they're probably swimming with disease. Yeah, so get yourself genital herpes and then next time you go in, she laughs. She's like, I told you you didn't have an STD without your dick and it's covered with warts and you say jokes on you. And she's like, I have surveillance cam footage of you taking off your pants and underwear and sort of nudging around on this dirty bench.

Really? Yes. And then she says, by the way, we have to amputate your penis. Well, at least you know I'm not a virgin loser. Of course you are and now you'll die that way. Oh, no. Here's another. Oh, go ahead.

Yeah, there you go. A travel question. OK. Ty says, I know you've traveled a lot together, but where's somewhere you'd like to go together that you haven't gone? Also, somewhere you'd like to travel with your significant others. Thanks, dudes. And keep on with the great podcast, day one, Off Myself and the Starbucks.

Nice. So where haven't we been together that we could go together? Oh, you know, I always regretted that I didn't get to go to Barcelona with you. Yeah, that was a fun trip. OK, we can go to Barcelona. And then where would you want to go with your lover? No, it has to be somewhere that neither of us have ever been. Yeah, because then it's like you're comparing it to your last relationship.

But it's like, oh, did you and Jesse already eat here? So what the fuck am I doing here having Iberian ham with you? Exactly. Oh, you guys had? Bring that up. Yeah, we had a lot of ham. Did you share Tapas? You and Jesse?

That's correct. You son of a bitch. I knew you would. Tapas is our thing. Curse you and your fat little ass. I'm trying to think in America where haven't we been together as comedy partners for life. Chicago we've been, Miami, of course, LA, San Francisco, Portland, Seattle, yes. Austin, New Orleans.

New Orleans, Vegas. Yeah, we're going. Vegas is a good one also off the off the list. What are we left with? We got secondary cities. We got Denver, gone, Honolulu, peace out. We've been there. Yeah.

Been to Boston, been to New Haven, been to Lanna, been to Raleigh. Oh yeah, Atlanta's a good one. Yeah, we've already been there. Houston, even. We've been everywhere, man. We've been everywhere. Yellowstone, we took that group trip. That was really nice.

Yeah, Minneapolis, Chicago, Wisconsin. Yosemite, I always wanted to go to Yosemite with you. Oh, but you've been before, haven't you? Yes, with your brother. Jesse had Iberian ham at the top of Half Dome. We called it Ham Dome and oh we laughed and kissed with each other. Yes, with tongue, with each other. Yes, we shared tapas of a cliff bar in the valley.

As we dangled off the sheer edge on one of those tents that hangs from the rock. That's right, a port of ledge, brother. God, where the fuck haven't we been together? Toronto and Calgary now, Winnipeg, Vancouver, all gone off the list. What about Skeetowns? We've never been to Tahoe together. Okay. And I like Tahoe a lot.

You've been to Tahoe? Yeah. Is there a city there? I've never been to Alaska and I've never been to North Dakota. Those are the last two American states that I've never been to. Okay. So North Dakota, you and I have never been to Bismarck. That's correct.

And I think we should do a show in Bismarck, of course. Alaska, I went on a family cruise there when I was 15, so I've seen some Alaskan stuff. So have you been to every state then? I don't know, because I don't think I've been to Arkansas. Oh yeah. What if we go to Little Rock together? I've been to Little Rock. Fuck.

It wouldn't be new. What about Alabama? We go to Alabama together. We watch an SEC football game. Haven't we been to Alabama together? We drove through and saw Tuscaloosa for a little bit. Yeah, that's right. We spend a fucking month and a half with you in Montgomery.

Okay. Just a historical fucking tour. Just you and I? Down and dirty, me, you, Jesse, and a fucking leg of ham. It would go in ham. And where do you want to go with your S.O.? Tokyo. Nice.

Ass. I deserve to be in Japan. Turning Japanese. Yes, I am turning Japanese. No, no. Next question. There was one other question about traveling that it got me thinking about. Now I'm trying to find it.

Oh yeah. Why hasn't Jeffrey brought you to Cleveland? That's a city we've never been together. Oh, he invited it. That's true. There you go. Actually, we have been to Cleveland together. We have?

Yeah. We went for... I thought we went to Cincinnati. Oh, maybe it was Cincinnati for the Mountain Dew thing. So there we go. Biggest city we've ever been. Cleveland. Cleveland.

Oh, also Pittsburgh. That's true too. North tour. Forget everything I said about Alabama. That place sucks. Pittsburgh and Cleveland would be fun back-to-back shows at like the end of the summer or something. That's nice. The AFC North tour.

Just some real blue collar football happening. Oh yeah. You and fucking Trent Dilfer going ham on an Iberian ham. Going ham on Jesse's leg. That's right. We are cannibalizing his ass. All right, let's take a break. We'll thank some sponsors.

We'll come back with some more quick, hitting QQs after this. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is.

Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but for any not-so-tech, savvy family member that you need a gift for soon. These digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child.

We got one for Jill's parents. Oh wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great. Really easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen.

It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. Yeah. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant?

Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit. This is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way.

By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. And we let her know with an Aura. Yeah.

Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah.

Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah.

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This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames. A-U-R-A Frames.com. Okay. Go get your parents something.

All right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional

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You had a request that was kind of like unsolicited advice, which is unsolicited request. Unsolicited begging for favor. Our podcast is nearly five years old. Yes. And you think it's time to re-up our most sacrosanct tradition. An unmovable object so far, which is our podcast art. People know us from this art. It hops in its green and its peach and you're over it.

I'm not. Yeah. I guess I am over it. It was made for us by your brother who did it an amazing job. Yep. And I feel like the time has come for us to move on to the next phase of our podcast branding. Yeah. It's a big deal because we've had, it's an iconic look that hasn't changed for five years.

Unfortunately, we have, I have a beard now. My glasses are different. You have seemingly red hair in this photo. Yeah. Which is sort of like a cool artistic liberty that your brother took. Yeah. But also the, what we've learned about podcast art is that you're supposed to, the title is supposed to be a little bit more readable.

Yeah. Bigger and more prominent. Yeah. So you think it's time to change it up. So what's your request here? What are we asking for? I guess I personally like the idea of using photos of us. So that way if like a lot of the time our podcast art ends up on like a website or a

poster and people who don't know our podcast would look at the art and be like, oh, I don't care about that show. Yeah. But if they saw our faces, maybe they would say, oh, I don't know that podcast, but those are the guys from those shitty YouTube videos that I used to like. Bingo. And I will go to the show. Okay.

So you want new podcast art? Do we have any dimensions? Do you have any high res photos to provide? Or is it just like? Of course I don't. Find it yourself. And if it's good, we'll give you the high res image of it. Oh yeah.

That could, that could work. Because it has to be at, it has to be a square. You know stuff. Yeah. So it has to be a square. That's the big, huge first and foremost Apple, the Apple podcast store requires that it be a square minimum resolution of 1400 by 1400. So these are huge images that are shrunken down.

So if you can follow those two things, do you want to give any more direction or dealer's choice? I mean, I remember we used to get like thumbnails for the episodes and we got such good, such good images from that, such good art. I don't want to, I don't want to give anybody too much. Right. So let's surprise us, impress us. And if you need something, if you need like a photo that's higher resolution, just ask

us and we can probably provide it. But I guess at the very least I'm interested in photos and cool text over total like illustration. Unless the illustration like is very, very, unless it looks a lot like us. And again, it has to be viewable on such a small, small scaled down version that usually the text has to be a little more large and readable. Right. Literally the size of your thumb. But we'll give you plenty of credit and promote your art and stuff.

There we go. So that's our unsolicited. And fuck it. I'll give you cash. What? I'll give you a thousand dollars in cash. Me? You.

For helping me shout it out. So send any attempts at that. Let's give people a week or two and see what we got. If I were you show at gmail.com. Calling all artists. We should also shout out Luke, speaking of artists and photographers. Oh yeah. Damamio, who autographed our Austin South by Southwest shows, did such a great job.

We want to give him a shout out. You can see his photos of us, other headgun podcasters and other awesome photos that he's taken on Instagram at his name is at lukead stands for Luke Anthony Damamio. He's a director, videographer and photographer in Dallas. If anyone's looking for any of those and he's also the man and he's also the man he was very friendly and made some awesome, awesome photography for us. And then shout out to his friend who assisted me that weekend, Sam and his friend, Simi, who's a big fan of the podcast.

Hell yeah, Simi. Thanks Sam. Thanks Simi. Thanks Luke. That's at lukead on Instagram for taking those photos. There's an awesome one of Twinnovation, the arm wrestling that looks like we should almost hire commission of an artist to turn it into a canvas, oil on canvas. It looks like a Renaissance battle scene.

There's so much happening. Nick Rad could do it. He's an artist. Maybe Nick Rad could do all of our art. No, we have to open it up. We have to let the fans do it. We've gotten this far off the hard, hard work of our fans and honestly, they owe us more. We deserve so much more for that.

That's right. So thanks to you guys for any submissions that are coming in. What else we got in the pictures here? This is a great question from this guy, Kors Light, Corey Stevens, 91. He said, I told my girlfriend that I like telephone seats today. She didn't write it off, but she definitely wasn't enthused. Does she not understand function as a form of fashion, stylish and practical? And then he sent me this photo of a telephone seat.

These are, the reason this can't stuck out to me is because I walked into like a housing works thrift shop last time I was in New York and I saw one of these and they are beautiful. I think they're great pieces for the entryway of your house because they've got, obviously nobody really has like a telephone to leave on the telephone seat right now, but it's sort of like, it's half love seat and half, it's like a love seat except if the other half of the love seat was an end table drawers. So I never heard of a telephone seat, but now that I see it, it looks kind of cool. And then what did he say?

He said he wanted one and his girlfriend said no. She didn't say no. He just said she wasn't like super impressed by it. That's fine. But it's, I mean, I totally get, I actually showed the telephone seat to Jill, but Jill also loved it, but I can imagine how you would feel if it didn't. Yeah. Anyway, these are great.

Put it by the entryway of your house. By the way, you have somewhere to put your shoes on before you leave for work and also your shoes on a chair. I put my, no, you put them underneath there or you put them in a closet nearby. I put my shoes in the closet near the hall and then in the morning before I leave. Oh, you can sit on the chair and put them on. Right now we have a poof next to the entryway and I sit down on the poof. I'm a stand and slide.

I want it to be bad for my back and bad for my shoes. I can't even imagine. And I'm hopping on one foot because it's a tight, tight fit and I'm borderline twisting my ankle and I'm borderline hurting my knees. You came in today on crutches with your feet on your, your shoes on your toes and a sock on my nose. That's the nursery rhyme I'm writing. Uh, recent, uh, sorry, Keon Nizad writes, I'm a recent 20 year old girl, sorry, I'm

a recently 20 year old girl from Australia and my 14 year old sister is going through prime puberty right now. There's no way nice to say it. She's a little shit. She's hypocritical, dismissive and extremely selfish. I was a teenager too, but I was never this bad. What should I do? You were an older sibling.

Did you ever experience terrible teen tendencies from your tween siblings? No, I think, I mean, the triplets were saints when we were growing up. I was a piece of shit. Oh, you were the terrible tween. I was a, yeah, I was sort of an asshole. What's the nastiest thing you did to your, um, siblings, older or younger? Did you torment? Um, I mean, I used to get like in physical fights with my older sister.

Physical? Yeah. I, we would like, she threw a remote control in my face one time. Uh, we would get into like physical fights a little bit. Uh, and then maybe like one of the worst things I ever did was like when I was 16 or 17, um, my sis, my whole family was going to like my uncle's birthday party and I was staying home. Uh, and it was going to be overnight.

They were going to Pennsylvania and I was going to have a huge party and there was like the girl that I had a crush on at school, like tech, never ever texted me before or no, it was I on IM. She never, ever I am to be, but she like, I haven't been asked about the party and she was going to come. So I was so excited. She signed onto your buddy list and then you and I am. Yeah.

She, the door opened. Yeah. You saw her. No away message. Message from Nicole. Come on. What was her name? Name?

Uh, I don't remember. She was that hot. Exo Missy Nicole. Oh, I love that. And then, and then the next day when this party was supposed to go down, my sister got so sick that she had to, they, like her fever was so high, we were talking about taking her to the hospital, but I was such a little shit that I was like, I was mad at my parents that they were going to stay home and take care of my sister rather than go to the, my

uncle's party. And I was like, wasn't fair to you. I was mad at my sister. I was like, aren't you feeling better? And then my mom got mad and they found out I was going to have this party and I like threw a chair against the wall. Yeah. You found out I'm throwing a party?

Well, I'm throwing a chair. I hate you. Go to Philadelphia. Like my sister is, maybe has to go to the ER and then their 16 year old son is just throwing a fucking chair at the door. Now we know where we get our inspiration from and we write that person every day. Yeah. Truly.

Just the person who's, yeah, my, my life revolves around me. Someone's so against me and even when something bad is happening to you, it's worse that it's happening to me that it's happening to you because I can't do the thing that I'm not supposed to do if you're here to see that I can't do it. Don't you get that? Did that ever happen to any of your siblings? No, we were friendly and lame. We never really fought that much.

We were also four years apart, but it's kind of fun to have like an older sister because at first she's the stronger one and slowly and slowly the younger brother becomes stronger and stronger. And then at a certain point it's really fucked up that you're hitting her. Yeah. Well, that, fortunately, Hannah's still stronger than I am. Yeah. I saw her.

She sat on your back earlier today. You put me in a figure four and leg lock and made me squeal like a little piggy. Brittany, sorry, Brittany Dinger writes, how can I be a guest on your podcast without being funny or famous? It's, I was just going to say- Shit, let's call her. I was going to say you could just be Dave Rosenberg. Oh, that's fucked up.

Savage. Yes. That is absolutely savage. Epic. Absolute epic. I'm looking for this question and I can't find it, but it was about having you on the D&D podcast. Oh yeah, I saw that.

And that's one that we get at live shows too. Yeah. Well, the reason I haven't done it yet, it's James Tarantino 13. Would you ever be a guest on not another D&D podcast? You have a Dungeons and Dragons podcast? Yeah. A very popular one. It's only growing.

Rabbit fan base. When we hit the road, people are clamoring for some hard one voices. That's right. Hard one, sure foot. My human fighter raised by dwarfs in the dwarfing edge. I think, I will say that I love, I mean, I love playing D&D so much. And people have been tweeting at me and telling me that they didn't play D&D and they started listening and it inspired them to like want to play.

So if anybody's thinking about it, and we have an active Reddit where people are like meeting up and starting campaigns together, are looking for friends to play with. That's beautiful. It really is. Meanwhile, our fans are just fucking screwing each other up, really fucked up, tweenagers who can't get enough nastiness and negativity in their lives. That's right. I mean, fuck these guys.

It stems from you, man, you just said fuck these guys. Where do they get it from? But I don't think you would be on, I couldn't imagine you coming on the show and taking it seriously. Yeah, I have a hard time imagining that too. Maybe if you just give me a small character where I can't fuck it up as much as I want to. But you would still make fun of us.

Like, we're just four adults in a room pretending that we're barbarians and elves and wizards. Yeah, and then they're like, oh, and here comes the bagelsmith, and I have to do a voice too and pretend and play make-believe with you guys? I mean, I didn't start going in like doing a crazy voice. I don't know if I have that in me. My character's voice is just like deeper than mine. So you could do something like, and it's not like a far leap for you to come in and do a Jewish bard or something.

Can I be a Jewish frog? Yeah, you could. Like, oh, help me, I am a frog. Never mind, you're not going to be on the podcast. Naturally. But we do want you to start your own podcast. Yeah, and that's what we're still thinking about. So if you have any suggestions as to what my version of a D&D podcast would be.

Any ideas what's something that would be listenable that's sort of like our podcast but something I can do with somebody else. What do you want to hear Amir do? Yeah, that's the question. And who do you want to hear me do it with? So do you have a dream guest for not another D&D podcast if it's not me? Who can it be? Who would really kick ass in that setting?

I think Thomas Middleditch because he takes even our podcast like very earnest and wants to give advice. And he also loves D&D and role-playing games. Yeah, he also has an encyclopedic knowledge of like fantasy worlds from like reading and like experiencing both like real medieval history and fantasy history. So I guess I would be like, I would, that would be my dream guest but I'd also be intimidated like if he came in and I just like start doing my hard one sure foot voice. Yeah, and he's like, what are you doing, man?

Like, no, this is how you do it. He just does an amazing French woman accent or something. I don't know. He's so inventive. Everybody booze you out of the room. What episode writes Kyle Moore of Jake and Amir was longest and hardest to shoot? Ooh, longest and hardest. Most of the sit down ones took like 30 to 60 minutes.

Yeah, they're pretty easy. Do you remember anything that took longer than that? I know like we did two that I can think of right now are the one where you kick my tongue off. Yeah, tongue was guest directed and we had multiple locations and like just all through the office. And I remember like being covered with blood and going home and like it stained your skin so sticky.

It was all over my hair and my face and I like it took me I had to take three different showers to get it all off. So it was kind of long and hard. I got a good one too. What do you got? The last Ben Schwartz episode, I think it's like finale part four or something. It wasn't longer hard for us, but Ben had to act as eight or 12 different characters. Every character he'd ever played on Jake and Amir.

Constantly running upstairs to change costumes and like put on a milkman outfit, come down and do a line, then go back up, change, get into like this hunter, gatherer, whatever the woodsman was. Yeah. It was also so specific like we couldn't because he was all of those characters in one frame at like the same time. Yeah. Like we had to keep the camera perfectly still, not let it move.

And then also make sure that Ben was sitting in a way that like his if his arm went out, it wouldn't like overlap the other guy's face because we like had to do like one of those shots. I think we had like six different shots and Ben was in just six different very, very compartmentalized locations on the screen. Shout out to Phil Fox for editing that episode. Oh yeah. That was a hard one.

What were you going to say? Did you have another one? The one where we shot in, I think it's called in the club where we're like in the line for the club. It was freezing. It was cold and it was like starting to snow by the end of the year. Also all of the road trip episodes were pretty hard because it was like we would wake up, we'd be in the RV and we had to like drive from Tennessee to New Orleans, but also when

we got to New Orleans, spend time shooting a video quickly so that we can go out and enjoy New Orleans. Party in New Orleans. Wake up hungover, having to drive through another two and a half states to get to our next destination while we had to brave the snow. There was like some sort of country-wide snowstorm happening that day. We were like getting snow in Texas. It was going from like Canada all the way down to Florida.

Yeah. And it was just the four of us. So we usually had like a lot of support like DP's sound producers, but on the road it was just me, you and John and John Carlo. Right. That was a tough one. All right, we have time for a few more. What's the cheapest you've ever been?

Cheapest I've ever been. Have you ever like purchased a really roundabout flight to save like 50 bucks? Oh, I guess I've bought suits at like Topman and then just returned them after I wore them. It's pretty good. Yeah. That's like a 500. I think that, and that's something, I can't imagine you could do it more than once, but I have done it at Topman, Zara and ASOS.

I am blackballed from all those places. And rightfully so. Yeah, totally. I can't, what's coming to mind for me? You're cheap all the time. Yeah. So like what's to say the cheapest? I still choose from homeless people, but that's not really cheap.

That just means bearded. That's brazen. Yeah. I don't recycle. Not really cheap. That's just sort of a nasty little thing that I do. Yeah. That's me being mean.

Oh, you don't pack your own lunch for work, but you throw out other people's lunches when you get here. Yeah, it's not cheap. That's just kind of a troll asshole little thing. It's a John Wolfie thing to do for sure. Yeah. Do you have anything that you do that's cheap? Oh, no.

New question. Oh, gotcha. Do you guys ever write things that you may not necessarily have the means to fulfill? Do you think it's smarter to focus on projects that are more immediately viable? Oh, that's good. Yes. Lonely and horny season two is a good example. We wrote some episodes that are just like, listen, we can't get 50 people and a frat house

and a helicopter. Yeah. I feel like we tend to write things that we know are going to be made, but we still also like write pitches for TV shows and movies. Right. I think there's something to be said for writing both. You want to be able to write something that you could give to somebody and they could conceivably say, oh, I can understand how this would be made and I can understand why

you guys are the people to do it. That's also why Jake and Amir was so simple at first. It's like, one, it's our expertise to have quick hitting dialogue, but two, it's really easy to shoot me sitting and not moving and you sitting and not moving. Right. If we took those scripts to the people who were running College Humor at the time and if we took scripts that were like, okay, and Amir fights a dinosaur and then Jake is an astronaut.

Yeah. People would be like, okay, we can't do that. Of course. So we did. So that's why you made a Ace and Jocelyn astronaut accountants from Outer Space, which was... It looks bad on purpose because Amir the character is shooting and editing it. Right. Exactly.

So find cheap ways to do it. That's the good way to be cheap, baby. We got away with a lot of half-assed stuff because it's like, well, Amir the character wouldn't know how to rap. So this is a really quick, shitty rap, which I wrote in 30 seconds because that's what Amir the character thinks is funny, right? I love Amir the character, exporting things with like... The song for Ace and Jocelyn ends with you yelling at your mom, but you exported it,

uploaded it, felt like it was good enough. Mom closed the doors, the original mom-om coming. That's right. That brings us to Christina Jonas who writes, do we have a date for LNH episodes yet? Lonely and Horny Season 2, shot in the can. Edited. We did a trailer. We're going to have to go door-to-door to show people because we still don't have a date,

a release date yet. Someday somehow you will see it. I can't fucking wait. But it's done. It's good. We like it. It's funny. And it's beautiful, thanks to Bobby Lam.

I'm trying to find one good last question. There are some good ones already. Once the election, have you had a close friend or someone you know relatively well change their stance on Trump? For example, they were a staunch supporter slash opposer and have since changed their mind. writes, the de-oo. Everybody I love and care about was smart enough to hate him from the beginning.

And everybody that hated loved him from the beginning really loves him now. So no, your optimistic question was actually flawed from the start. No one has changed their mind in any way since probably late 2015. If you love them, you love them even more. And if you hated them, you hate them even more. Our country is divided people. Seuss 5 writes, what hookah flavors will get me chicks? Mint, cherry, anything apple related.

Caramel and otherwise. Don't sleep on a gavel, motherfucker. All right, cool. Great episode. Good work, everyone. Good questions. It's hard to write unique questions nowadays, but there's some that we've never heard before. Thanks to you guys for listening again.

We're coming to Dublin, Amsterdam, London on June 4th, 6th, 10th. Tickets available at ifirushow.com. And don't forget to send us the podcast art. It's all right. Or questions or theme songs to ifirushow.com. The opening one was written by Steven. Remember Steven? Miss Steven.

And this closing one, let me look it up. I believe it is Walter? Nice, Walt. Double checking. Thanks, buddy. Walter Nespresso. Why did I write that? Tell you what, I have to pee real bad, so I'm going to let you finish this episode and

I'll catch you on the flip. All right. Later, everybody. Yeah, Walter, who wants to shout out his Spotify, Depresso, not Stresso. Nice. Thanks, Walter. Thanks to Steven. Thanks to you guys for listening.

We'll be back soon enough. I'm going to release another Thomas Middletitch episode as a bonus Thursday one day soon. So stay tuned for that. Those shows were too good not to let out into the wild. But as for us, we'll be back next Monday, guaranteed for another episode of If I Were You. Ciao. You write an email, do if I was, you show a Gmail.com, they'll tell you what to do,

because whatever you were doing, you were doing it wrong. Whatever you were doing, you were doing it wrong. Whatever you were doing, you were doing it wrong. Whatever you were doing, you were doing it wrong. If I were you. If I were you. If I were you. If I were you.

If I were you. If I were you. If I were you. If I were you.