If I Were You - 338: Class Clowns

Episode Date: July 9, 2018

In this episode, our favorite Game Boy returns to discuss funny students, mean teachers and Jake's wedding.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. You are now about to witness the strength of the headgum podcast. I'm coming straight out of the headgum, two crazy juicers with oddbuck come and miss Mott and my boy Jake, not too dumb when I'm confused, they'll be all mused, ask the question and then your answer all approved, Jake and Amir if you wanna fuck with me, the gameboy is gonna have to come and get me off your ass, but please change the khaki, if I were you the answer's gonna be wacky, questions out the tumble, Jake isn't humble, no STDs so the girls won't bumble, send a stupid question, Jake will call you dumb, don't get excited

or you might lose your cum, so give it up please, with Jake and Amir you always gotta seize the cheese, here's a little question about my girlfriend cheating, or how often should I give my dick a beating, if I were you a gmail.com, shit it in a lay that's where you gotta get it on, some questions asked if I should smoke the reefer and your answer that, with your main boy Streeter, I'm standing here dickless for Michael Chick less the only podcast where nothing's off limits like, X with Ben Short's and my boy Murphy, so when I'm in the neighborhood you better duck, cause Jake and Amir are crazy as fuck, you do you that's what you gotta do, so welcome to the show, if I were you, whoa epic, that was hype,

that was absolutely hype, I have a feeling that I'll be really um on fleek this episode due to the hip hop nature that opening theme, I might be dabbing in a moment, for it, yeah let's see it, you are, yo, are you okay, yo, your shoulder looks pretty bruised from that, I elbowed myself in the eye and I have a stye, that was called straight out of head gum and this man Nick Carter aka Busty wants us to follow his soundcloud at Busty Hip Hop, Nick Carter, yeah Nick Carter, oh that's how I beat Shaq fam, that's a really obscure reference but yeah that Nick Carter, I took it to the, isn't that Aaron Carter, huh, isn't that Aaron Carter, oh yeah that is Aaron Carter, Nick Carter is the backstreet boy, yeah, the

more known Carter, yeah it's weird that you knew enough about that's how I beat Shaq but still didn't know Nick versus Aaron Carter, I'm feeling a bit slow on the day, what day is that, on the day is today, in the moment of now, of now, the second, and tomorrow you leave, tomorrow I leave I go to New York friggin city baby, tomorrow you'll be gone, when's your flight, I just looked actually, 4 a.m. 25 in the morning, the goat time, that is peak traffic at LAX, we are leaving at 7.48, the traffic will absolutely be brutal, that is a fact, but I get, but it's nice to not have to wake up at like 4.50, yeah, when are you waking up, sometimes I get that like 7 a.m. or, yeah, when are you waking up for

a 9 a.m. or, I'm gonna wake up at 6 because I'm gonna go on a run tomorrow before the flight, that's how fucking fit and healthy and happy I am, 6 a.m. run, 6 a.m. run, what are you trying to squeeze in, some extra lost calories, I'm just trying to stay on my workout reg that I have designed, in order to, get ripped as fuck for my wedding, because the photos for photos are just like, it just doesn't matter really, it's just nice to have a goal for shit, got it, so after the wedding, I always have like some sort of like 3 months from now goal to get ripped for, it's not like you're wearing, I stay ripped year round, but like if anything your wedding is the least thing you have to be ripped for, because you

have to wear a tuxedo and then like a jacket on top of that, that's true, but being ripped is less about like how I look and more about how I feel, oh I see, so you want to be like happy on your wedding day, where it's like if you were a little like overweight, you would just be like a sad little pumpkin man trying to get wedded and then like sort of passing off the tears, that's how you look, and that's not what it's about for me, okay, it's about feeling light and light and like easy to move around and you don't feel like your ass is going to fall off or something, you know, like when you're hungover, you don't want to be hungover on your wedding, yeah, yeah, exactly, except although the night before

is kind of like a mini celebration usually. Well I think I probably won't party too much, from what I've heard, pretty much nobody gets that drunk on their wedding because you're doing a lot of other shit, oh walking around, talking, checking in, taking photos, but then everyone wants like a shot, let me get you a shot with the new groom, let's take a fucking shot and dance, I don't think I've, I mean I've definitely taken lots of shots at the wedding, but it's almost never ever been with the bride or the groom. It's like everyone else partying and you're at the epicenter, you're the eye of the hurricane.

I imagine it's like it's similar to just throwing a party and every time I throw a party I tend to get less drunk. You don't throw up, Artie. Yeah. Nice. You throw a party. You're not invited to my wedding. By the way, I wanted to mention that, and I wanted to wait till we were recording.

I was going to say, maybe don't tell me. To catch your live reaction. Yeah, it's upset, it's disappointed, I'm shocked, I can't believe that. The invitation is rescinded. Yeah, I was going to say you sent me an invitation, you asked if I wanted RSVP. And I also got your RSVP and I appreciate your prompt response. And your girlfriend is still invited, your parents are still invited. They're not going to go if I'm not invited.

I already talked to your parents and I let them know. And they, how do they take the information where they're like, no way, I'm not going from here. It didn't phase them. They weren't even on. I had a text to Avi, yeah, and yeah, Avi Tall is fine with it too. She would love to be there. I see it says that.

Yeah, she's like, I'll be there and then she changed the subject. To what? Like, what else is there to talk about after hearing such a bombshell of a news update from that? She's talking to me about the Poland soccer match tomorrow, which is funny because it doesn't even matter. She doesn't usually watch football, I don't think. She doesn't even watch it and they're already eliminated.

So it's inconsequential. Yeah. It's so funny that she would... It hurts to hear, why am I not invited to your wedding anymore? Don't laugh if you're hurt, right? You're laughing. I'm laughing because it's funny to me. You're crying now.

I'm crying because I'm sad of it. I would still have to attend. If I show up, you're not going to kick me out. I would. I would kick you out. Not personally. You wouldn't be like, oh, I'll show up and they won't want to make a scene, but I'm actually sort of hoping you show up because I will make an example out of you.

Like in a way that is embarrassing to me or like kind of like in a painful way. I'll have all of my groomsmen hold you back as I punch you. I used to be one of them. I was one of them until that happened, until you just changed your mind seemingly randomly. Tell you what, you can come. Awesome. But... Oh, shit.

Should we ask the audience what about your suit conundrum for the coming week? Oh, okay. Well, it's not for your wedding, but it's for our wedding. I keep seeing people, specifically NBA athletes, wearing suits, but the pants are shorts. A shorts suit with a long jacket. To me, it's kind of the modern evolution. A short suit and a long jacket. For me, it's like a modern evolution of a suit.

Like I'm starting to see a lot of short sleeve dress shirts and I'm like, oh, I bought one of those. That's really comfortable because it's warm out. Yeah, now it's like, okay, they're wearing suit shorts these athletes and they're at the forefront of fashion and they deserve to be. So slowly but surely, it's trickling down to people of my athletic ability who just look up to the people who make the fashion choices. That's right.

And I'm seeing these suits and these shorts, I'm like, that's a great one just practically because it's very, very hot during wedding seasons. The summer, a lot of them are on the East Coast. It's humid. One of the hottest weddings I ever went to was right outside of D.C. It was like 102 degrees super humid. Everyone's wearing a fucking thick suit. My sister's wearing layers.

North Carolina. I don't think it was 102 but it was humid as fuck. It's not practical. It's not practical. Yeah. So I'm seeing these suit shorts. I'm like, what if that's a cool way to subvert the heat and wearing something that's a little fashion forward?

So I float the idea to a few friends and family and I've been met with great rejection so far. Almost resounding. Yeah. Scorn. Yeah. You and a couple other people have likened it to a romp hem where it's just like, what are you wearing?

You're just like trying to make this day about you. This is just like a silly, weird, silly, stupid thing. I'd like to go on record saying I did liken it to a romp hem but I also encourage you to wear it. But would you encourage me to wear a romp hem? I don't think it would be formal enough for the occasion and I've seen you in a romp hem. Yeah.

And it looked good. And it felt good. Did you like the way it felt? I just didn't like getting looks and that's what I'm worried about because so now I'm leaning towards maybe since it's a wedding and it's someone else's day, one, I don't want to take the attention off of them and two, what if somebody else shows up in suit shorts and we fucking make eye contact with each other? I remember having a mustache and I couldn't even look at another mustachioed man in the

eyes. Yeah. I just feel like an unoriginal doof. I remember at my high school prom, I wore a white tuxedo with a cane and a hat. And my friend had a black tuxedo but he had the cane and the hat. My other friend had a pinstripe tuxedo with the cane and the hat. I thought it was going to be the coolest thing and everyone's going to think this is hilarious. And then I got there and there was one other kid, also somebody who was thought of himself

as the class clown wearing a white tuxedo. And the hat, I don't think he was wearing a hat but his tux was white and I remember being like, I am so unoriginal. I thought of the same joke as Rick. And Rick's a loser to me. I thought of fucking Rick and there he is. But back to you, I think that the more valid fear is definitely showing up and having somebody else be wearing a shorts suit.

No matter how much flair you have, you're not going to take the shine off of Sarah or Mike. It's still their day. Yeah. But I don't want to walk around and I don't want people to stare at me, start a conversation with me. Every conversation you have will be about your shorts suit. That's right.

Absolutely true. Yeah. It's almost like I want to wear it but I don't want people to notice. But then that's exactly what it's going to come off of. If you would rather it's the fashion of the day. Exactly. And I want it to be the fashion of the day on the day. It will never happen unless you have the gumption, have the courage, the gall, the

attitude, the foresight and the hindsight. I think I have the hindsight. I think what I'm going to do is wait for a summer soiree that's not a wedding. Like then you can see me pulling it off because that's fine if it's just this like premier show or like a fun little party that we're happening to have. If we do a screening for lonely and horny, would you wear a short suit? That's an example of something that I can wear a short suit for because then it's like sort of my thing so I can do the stupid thing and then it's like I'm not really taking it

away from anybody because if anything I'm detracting from the own thing that we made. And would you allow me to wear a short suit? I will always encourage it. I think you have the gams for it. I really do. The quads and the calves. Yeah. And then there's a question about how high and low the shorts should be.

Right. I mean the shorts, they should be seven to nine inch on the shorts. Yeah. Well, we can tackle that issue when we get there and I'm going to have to sacrifice a suit. I'm not buying a new suit. I'm converting one of my suits into a short suit. I'm going to go in there and say take off the bottom half of these pants.

And the tailor will be like, what the fuck are you talking about? Anyway, weigh in on Twitter. Let me know what I should do. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the web hosted by I, Amir, and you, Jake. The Game Boy. Oh! He's back. Oh!

After all these years? Did someone say game? No. I did. Yeah. So you can't. I'm the Game Boy. You're like a genie who rubbed the lamp from the inside.

No. No. No. You have to wait until someone says... I was masturbating on the inside of the lamp. Oh! You're not even from a lamp. You just show up.

I see your niece on cube outside. Was that your Uber? Or you drive left? The license plate says lamp. Oh! And there was dice in the mirror. That's right. We didn't quite have time to find questions for this episode yet.

So we're going to be playing the good old fashioned game with a good old fashioned game boy. Oh! We're going to search our Gmail over 10,000 emails now for an unread question. And we do so by searching a specific word that we're hoping only yields one result. Game Boy, do you have that hole in one? Coma. C-O-M-A.

Coma. Coma. Coma. Coma. Coma. Coma. Coma. Coma.

Coma. Coma. Coma. Coma. Coma. Coma. Coma. Coma.

Coma. Coma. Coma. Coma. Coma. Coma. Coma. Coma.

Coma. Coma. Coma. Coma. Coma. Coma. Coma. Coma.

Coma. Coma. Coma. Coma. Coma. Coma. Coma. Coma.

Coma. Coma. Coma. a search owl carcass I feel so bad damn that would have definitely won the game well what I got two results actually um all right so let's call this guy I don't know what's a famous owl what's the owl from Winnie the Pooh Hooters no okay sure that one works Hooters writes you're a may remember me I'm a lad from Scotland with a large conundrum so wait a minute this is a follow-up oh I read

the follow-up up all right let me read let me read the original got it I almost blew it right there hold on wait for it take your time I'm looking up Winnie the oh his name is just owl huh the owl and Winnie the Pooh well that's pretty unoriginal Winnie Eeyore there's Winnie the Bear Tigger Roo Christopher Robin rabbit so Tiger's name was Tigger and then Owl's name was Owl the kangaroo's names were Kanga and Roo it was Piglet I mean the only one with an original name is Eeyore what about Winnie yeah but his nickname was Pooh Bear oh that's true Christopher Robin's pretty original yeah that one's good is Winnie the Pooh

even good all right we want to discuss this now hello fine fellows I'm a 16 year old going on 17 in high school as you snazzy Americans like to call it I have a teacher who has a massive obsession with cats I quite frankly am sick of her shit she'd rather write a book about cats than bother teaching us she even wears a cat dresses and blows catnip bubbles in class would you do studs approve of me teaching this quine a lesson by covering the classroom walls and pictures of dead cats I believe this method may teacher not to be such a goon and leave the room that's the question where does owl carcass come in

PSM I've come back from a two month holiday in New Zealand to find a dead owl carcass on my bedroom floor I have not attempted to move it that is as it has created a pungent stench the the ought my house throughout my house my friends and I think I should get a taxi Dermot to display in my living room is it morally right to stuff a dead animal follow-up pop about the owl I took your advice we never said anything it delivered my owl to the local taxidermist the only problem is the owl wasn't dead yeah the little bitch was in a coma the whole time coma so this guy is either trolling us or just rapid firing going

through a lot of questions related to cats owl carcass I and comas I well I mean the owl carcass thing clearly seems like a weird bit that he did that's definitely a lot unrelated but I think the first part of the question is kind of real cuz he seems like the kind of dude who would plaster a cat a classroom with dead cat and photos yeah you were a class clown were you not yes but I was more of like an advanced class clown that's why I was so upset when Rick made the same joke as me I was I would do it for the teachers teachers laugh so you were you were a although it is that would just every class clown thinks like

no my teachers are loving me they don't dislike not I mean I think some kids are like oh I'm a little dickling to the teachers and that's like fun for me I see my friends and I really did try to elevate the comedy and do well can you remember a class clown moment of yourself I cannot like not verbatim but I remember a sophomore year of high school oh wait I can remember to I remember one where I like ran for president on a whim but it was like just of a class it wasn't like the school but everybody gave a speech and I like improvised a speech and everybody laughed a lot okay so you ran you basically said I don't

have a fucking platform or whatever I'm gonna make up jokes for my speech yeah I mean that was like the first time I ever like stood in front of anybody and did jokes but what type what what grade was that that was 10th grade to be 11th grade plus president to be I think it was like the beginning of that year got it did you win no of course I might I don't it wasn't like the false it was like literally president of our history class okay really really small it was I might have won I don't remember got it the other one was is lame or we were doing this like ropes course like you know those did you ever have one of

those in your high school like a ropes course instead of like your gym class was sort of like outdoor activity thing got it yeah so we had like a ropes course in a climbing wall and I showed up dressed as a spider man how old are you there that was also sophomore year and that's premeditated you had to have known that you were gonna do the ropes course I yeah like I brought it in for that class so you were like we're doing ropes course tomorrow I'm gonna buy a spider-man outfit I think I already had a spider-man outfit because I had been spider-man for Halloween yeah but yeah I the thing I remember being there and

like people from the yearbook taking photos of it oh because they loved it yeah because you were like spider-man sort of struggling up a rope it absolutely and when you but I don't like looking back I'm embarrassed that I did it and you're getting dressed is it in the locker room are you showing up to school this is the part that I don't remember like I can't remember taking putting putting the spider-man costume in a backpack yeah like putting it on to it in the locker like yeah walking through the halls at some point to get to Jim as would you've gotten in trouble for that no I think the tea like the

teacher also loved it oh it was like a fun thing yeah Jake was a spider-man that day yeah can you remember are you you like made videos at school yeah I was a very clowny class man but I was also a good student so like you said like the teachers didn't necessarily dislike me although one time I remember in eighth grade one of my friends wasn't paying attention and then our English teacher asked him a question and he's like oh sorry I'm not really sure and then I remember chiming in and saying think boy think and people laughed and he kicked me out of the class because I like had created a funny situation and then he

kicked my friend out I was like don't kick my friend out like he didn't do anything this wasn't like some sort of alley-oop to me like he actually didn't know what he was talking about I said think boy think you don't have to kick us both that I'll leave the class which is a weird punishment anyway because that's the best thing to happen to a kid right it's like you know what you think you're so funny why don't you not go to school today mr. wise ass that's right we're not gonna you're not gonna know what themes we're in mice and men like I already have the spark nose is that but like what is that a joke on think boy

think I don't even know sentence that you say yeah I was just trying to be like a salty dad is sort of making fun of his son or something like that why did he why would he kick the kid who didn't know the answer I don't know and then at the same time I think about being an eighth grade English teacher and maybe it's so traumatic that like any any time where ever all the kids are laughing whether it's at you or not you just sort of snap yeah I want a cool way to gain control again by kicking someone out for not doing anything wrong making an example I also remember a sophomore year this keeps on coming back but my

teacher my English teacher said that he was gonna be out the next day we were gonna have a sub and I like woohooed really loud and then he was like I'm going to a funeral for a friend and I still don't even know if that was even true or if he was just trying to be an asshole he's just trying to make you feel sad yeah like I that's in the moment I felt so bad and like reliving it in my head I swear to God he like had a doctor's appointment like he just like saw this in to humiliate me you should go back and ask him it's too late now yeah you know who the teacher is yeah but I don't know what his first name is I

wish there was a poll at the end of the year to see who's every every teacher's favorite student I feel like I would have I would have ranked in the top five for sure or maybe that's just how I remember high school that I was a funny guy and everybody loved me and I was actually in the bottom five yeah I I like after college like I think it was that it was less than five years after I graduated high school but like one of my favorite teachers who had walked me down the aisle at graduation we had a small at my wedding we had a small enough class that like every student walked with a teacher there's like 50

kids that graduated and then at the end you would kiss them right yeah you get your diploma and you they dip you kiss you and you toss your hat yeah you go back behind they roll up the diploma and you guys each stick your dicks in like some sort of Chinese finger trap you put your hat hats back on and you walk off the stage which is why I was even more insulting when he didn't remember me how did that come up oh you you met him a few years later a few years later I like saw him I like saw him in downtown New Haven and I said hello and he didn't remember who I was you're like it's me Jake Hurwitz I'm

your favorite student he walked me down the aisle was it yeah I got nothing yeah it's weird to think that most of our high school teachers were probably our age and younger totally yeah in their I assume they're all 58 but they could have been a 29 year old history teacher a fun little game if you could just like find out like oh yeah your third grade teacher was 24 yeah no way I think I had a history teacher who was like 23 man and that's I look at a 23 year old and they are young I could yeah oh my god so young it's insane what did what did that guy have to teach me about European history it is kind of like you could go

back and like see your sixth grade teacher and like he would look 10 years older than you oh that's funny yeah he was 22 and I was 12 and now he's just this 45 year old guy yeah looks great mr. Bassan you're jacked I guess I could just do some Facebook research all right let's take a break we didn't give this guy any advice but obviously don't hang the photos oh yeah don't harass your teacher I guess we'll be back after this thank you to aura frames for sponsoring this head gum podcast you know aura frames is sponsoring not just this episode but the entire head gum network Jake wow that's correct I mean this

might be the goat father's day gift I think it actually is yeah yeah not just father's day but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon these digital photo frames might be the best of all time yeah for me personally these things are perfect I'll tell you why as you know I am expecting yeah my first child we got one for Jill's parents oh wow we got one for Jill's grandma holy smokes we got one for my parents so there are three of these bad boys in our family right now but they are they're great really easy way to like stay in touch with your family you can upload as many photos as

you want directly into my parents kitchen it's really nice oh that's cool so you take a photo of anything perhaps a baby and then it goes to their digital photo yeah frame this is actually how we how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant we got her the aura frame we plugged it in Jill's grandma was pregnant really nice asshole this was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife and you're trying to make a joke of it I was just being goofy a little bit like this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant yeah yeah kind of like a she misheard it or something like that or the way you said it was kind of like could go either

way by the way Jill's grandma is pregnant oh my god Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant it's pretty cool and you told me with a digital photo frame holy smokes and we let her know with an aura yeah thank you the aura announcement so you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app add me to your aura app I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something that could be funny yeah like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter yeah yeah exactly even preload photos and add a personal video message that will

display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame yeah it's a great gift a really really iconic gift and right now you can save on the perfect father's day gift and visit aura frames that's a you are a frames.com and our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best-selling frames there it is oh wow this is timely the deal ends on June 18th so don't wait terms and conditions apply that's aura frames a you are a frames.com okay go get your parents something all right and use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping thank you aura and now back to the

HEADGUM podcast you were listening to this show is sponsored by better help thank you better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult anxious stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place and it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist especially one in your area but better help makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient flexible and suitable to your schedule you just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at

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licensed help and it's extra affordable that's better help HELP.com slash if I were you check them out thanks better help messages and we're back hey Jake do you have any I got a game that done changed the game and it's gonna change your life did the gameboy teach you about this game or is this an unrelated game it's an unrelated game that I think Carnell introduced me to a few years ago oh and I had never played it before I don't know if he had played like growing up or something but he we went on a trip and he brought past the pigs yes we played it on your bachelor party and yes and in my bachelor party he also

brought past the pigs and the last night in Reykjavik we didn't even make it to the club because we sat in like an upstairs booth at a bar for I mean hours we played a game that night at 5 a.m. before we went to bed right it's kind of like a cute kitty version of craps but so much more enjoyable for whatever reason when it's like grown adult men playing it so if people know past the pigs then you already know how great of a game it is and for people who don't know past the pigs why don't we explain it you basically toss two little rubber pigs as dice and depending on how they land you get a certain

amount of points so there's one pig with or both pigs have a dot on one side of their belly yeah and so there's a couple permutations if both of the pigs land on the side of where the dot is showing or if they land on the side where it's blank that's one point and if you if the pig lands on one dot and one blank that's called pigging out you get zero points and your turn is over 28 minutes explain the rules there are some things that can happen like the pig being on its back the pig being on its feet the pig be like in combos that are worth five sometimes if you get like two pigs on its feet that's the double

trotter yeah every every way it lands has a fun name so you can get a razor back or a double snouter or a leaning double leaning jowler is the goat the leaning jowler is rare the actual goat but the leaning jowler is where the pig is on its snout and ear you guys don't get out fucking hard that is and if what's it called when they're touching bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon yeah or the winker that's gonna be hog time that's really good too that means you your turn is over and you go back to zero points that's right uh... so it sounds silly

but we assure you it's fun i posted it on my instagram story to see if anyone out there plays and not a lot of people do but the people that do have very fond memories of playing as a child and you're trying to get to a hundred try playing as a drunken adult it's a good bar game it's a great bar game and i'll give you this is my unsolicited advice bonus uh... which is the the two things that count as one the the dots and the no dots yeah just

make them count as zero and it's a re-roll because then you don't have to do as much math because everything else is like five ten fifteen that's an easy one but if you want to get rid of the ones then you don't have to do math as hard just get just just give it a re-roll and when you're when you guys are playing and you're ready for uh... a new wrinkle or two we invented some rules that will really fucking blow your mind should we tell them or no it won't make sense unless it won't make sense to anybody that doesn't play but then like also maybe someone's gonna play and come back and listen to this that's

true okay so if you've listened if you started playing and you love it and you've come back yeah listened yeah i mean you're telling about hogwash so if you pig out which is the most likely outcome according to wikipedia pig out happens thirty five percent of the rolls which is the equivalent of like rolling a seven in craps you lose your turn however if you want

you can roll again after a pig out if you yell hogwash and then hogwash uh... copyright david rozenberg came up with that that's right hogwash re-roll if then you also get a pig out another pig out you're out you're out of the game but if you get a point you get to bank those points and you get to like continue your turn

yeah and wait how did you get only one hogwash again no i said you can get as many hogwash as possible because you're risking your life yeah your game life on it they were you know some back and forth on the rules but that the uh... the the unsolicited advice remains past the pigs

if we were smart we'd put it on like uh... our amazon account you know we really should uh... past the pigs and the uh... uh... uh... uh... gum brush what the fuck is i think i'll waterpick uh... yeah waterpick we should just start a store buy em and resell them we put this in the head gum merch store a lot of graph that you get a jake emeer pillow and uh... past xx it's a cheap game because it's a simple game and it's an easy game and

it's portable you can bring it anywhere and i bought mine on amazon as soon as i got back to america for eight bucks and i bought mine in amsterdam and it's called that's right and you don't it's not like uh... it's not like a tanner something where there's a lot of rules it's really really easy to get into uh... so check it out pass

pigs uh... alright back to the questions and answers i got a good one for you let's hear it the word is mustard one two three

four not bad at all pretty pretty close not bad it's the leader in the clubhouse but not the winner on the day uh... on the day here we go shit got weird uh... let's call this guy colonel mustard

nice to preface i'm a student in uni with a part-time job so here's where the story begins i was at the bar with guys after work last night we met up with my friend's neighbor let's call her jess her friends and some nurses who we had previously met sounds fun so far just friends and the energy it's good after last call we all went back to the nurses place and got really fucked up

there i spent half the night slow dancing and being a big old fucking tease to jess at the end of the night my friend was trying to get me to go home with her but i said no because i had a lab at eight thirty the next morning so my bud fucking drove me home at four in the morning i was supposed to get up at six for the lab but i ended up sleeping till ten thirty

the problem is if you miss a lab you fail the class so i needed a doctor's note i filled up a glass with water and mustard and down that shit causing me to vomit out the beans i ate whose sole purpose was to look disgusting on my way back i then headed to the doctors and gave him a note by lying through my teeth i guess the whole forcing myself to vomit wasn't really necessary course not

a side note i ended up throwing up for real in the middle of class in a bus station garbage so now i have smiley face messages on my phone from jess i see jess often enough at parties that but i don't really have an interest in her should i avoid her should i be friendly or should i just hit that twat making everything even more awkward

thanks guys so this is a whole little story in that it ends ends up in a weird question how impossibly dumb are you that's insane to get a doctor's note you don't have to do anything except ask the doctor for a note your pain yourself to puke yeah and then he's like you gotta believe me that i puked like yeah i would have believed you either way

yeah this isn't like staying home from school where you need to like show your mom how sick you are and then the fact that he puked up anyway later is really funny yeah like you didn't even lie you made yourself really sick so why doesn't he want to hang out with jess i don't i don't get that part that i don't get either but like if you don't like her then stop being a big old tease to her yeah you know you should do you should go up there and say you know what i drink mustard the other day just to get a

doctor's note you still want to hang out with me now no or am i a stupid person to you it's also yeah i guess like he's not interested in her so it's good that he didn't go home with her but like at four a.m. when you're trashed like making a decision because you have a lab the next day like you've already

not given enough of a shit about the lab you might as well also get laid yeah that's another thing like in college how many times professors do you just like show up in an eight a.m. class and see a student that's so hungover tired or shouldn't be there yeah eight a.m. classes do you have any like super early classes like that i think yeah i think i had an eight a.m. like my freshman year i had a couple

that's such a bad idea that's earlier than high school i mean i failed those classes so quickly because you didn't go i didn't go and i would like you can miss a couple rights and then you but then it's like oh if you miss one more you get an automatic fail yeah and i would just i was just like okay i'll try not to and then i missed one is like actually this is a blessing in disguise i failed i never have to go again

that was your that was your thinking that's and i guess i was as dumb as this kid so respect actually i think about it you'll get better uh... all right do you have uh... do you have uh... word muffins huh muffins you gotta use the f's because i think people

i think muffin is in there yeah muffins is twenty fuck that's so many uh... trying to find one actually searching muffin as well how do you like that here's one

is there only one muffins uh... there's one on red one so this one is blind i went hey guys love the podcast question about modeling this one is more directed to jake because wow can he model i stumbled across this jim and good gosh it is a gem seriously i paid double the price of the shirt if it came with the side of this stud muffin

for ten extra shirts jake how do you feel about the modeling industry my girlfriend is considering getting into it she's done a couple small shoots and but uh... she uh... before and she's asked to do it full-time but i'm pretty uncomfortable with the idea and i don't think it's a super friendly work environment for her what are your thoughts on it

and it's a picture of you modeling this amy polar tina fey shirt from busted tease oh wow twenty sixteen that must have been like twenty thirteen i guess that's possible the others like five years ago or so or there is also time at busted is where they just had a small in blank shirts

and then they just slapped something on the other that could be uh... whom uh... as a model yourself how do you feel about the modeling industry also models of busted tease and i wouldn't say busted teases quite the modeling industry you're saying they just got college humor writers to pose in t shirts it was mostly just a me and jeff i don't know i don't think

i guess it's weird that he the girlfriend is like asking him for his permission and he's debating is is not even asking or is he like saying i don't know what i was asking to do it full-time and i'm conflicted as the final say here uh... yet do you have any thoughts about the modeling industry my mother was a model

and is it is weird as it sounds i think in this set like i think she was a model in like the seventies so maybe a little bit then i wonder i don't think it was like a healthy spot i know about acting in stuff and that also makes you kind of feel like a flesh prop from now from time to time as they tell you where to stand how to look and what to say yeah but i wonder what modeling entails beyond just being

attractive i'd like what makes someone a good model being like photogenic yeah but then is there anything beyond that like physical like is it what's the talent behind modeling beyond just being photogenic what i think when you're model you also have like generals in casting calls so it's like just like acting if you have ten people who can say all the words right in the tone that you like you say you have ten people who like

can wear something the right way only one person like really made a positive impression on you when they walked in is it all like screen off camera like who's the most personable right who's got chemistry who's got a relationship with the brand who is able to like get a real build a relationship with the casting director what about the ability to when the photographers like give me this search emote this like is there some acting to modeling where they're like look fierce

look happy look upset look scared yet that being able to do that or is it like this is what my face looks at rest and that's what you get i think i mean you see modeling has a a wide-ranged it's like there are some photos where people look super happy when they're like in a bubblegum or something or like an old navy ad right and then there's like

uh... people in uh... in um... stock photo or not well stock photo could be happy i guess that yeah stock photo or but then you could see people in like one of those swiss watch attack you're at yeah and they just look sort of the ring on the boat they just sort of look constipated and concerned yes i think there's a little bit of it

so i guess just like acting there's good actors and bad actors but like with a model i feel like you can bypass some of it by just being really hot yeah i think i mean there's just like with acting you can bypass some of it like you could be on a soap opera if you're like you've got a super square jaw

yeah but is some of this bad acting is notice sorry as bad modeling is noticeable as bad acting probably there's some really awkward modeling shots and i think that's not entirely on the model that's like also on the photographer just like bad acting is like partly on the writer and the director right so but it's like it takes a whole lot of people to ruin someone's reputation but at the end of

the day it's you in the photo it's you on the screen yeah i mean this photo of you just awkward you look so nervous and stupid in it i was ill that day that's right i'm not even going to defend i was going to a friend's funeral actually whoo alright i would too late

uh... one last question let me search usb drive interesting very interesting oh god it's just a bunch of spam course uh... what's the thing that's not for sale um...

foregone nothing for loran for loran for loran michael's there's two wow for lorans as an alley-oop brother one of his one has been read one has never been read okay never been read

uh... well and it actually it's from july seventh of last year nearly the one-year anniversary of this question i love when we find these like kind of like magical seeming questions yeah this guy will call him loran michael's so i listen to this dope podcast by these two guys and for the sake of on an anonymity let's call him the pension schmule

i live in london and after they announced some shows here my buddies were eager to go however upon finding out the price was twenty two pounds for just a one-hour show i refuse to pay so much and say that i wasn't going i make some serious banks so the money wouldn't be an issue and also my friends don't live in london so they would have to find somewhere else to stay if i didn't go

my dilemma is this should i just buckle to peer pressure and go to the show that's improving my popularity immensely or stand by my decision stay at home silent and forlorn in protest at the price of it possibly missing out on an evening of a lifetime thanks and love the show so he was kind of insulting us

i wonder what it would i wonder what he ended up doing i hope you stayed home huh so he had the money is no issue he just as offended by the price beyond principle and i get that like i'm pissed as hell too we don't set the price of the tickets that's another that's a truth is some they have to price and hide a pay for our flights and lodging to london yeah but at the same time we've never heard of people complaining that the prices

were too high everyone seems to enjoy the show at the price point offered so hopefully you went in it was an evening of your lifetime hopefully he didn't go your friends don't want and they hate you and they told you how good it was how great of a show was what's the most you've paid for entertainment concert

or sporting event movie vacation play vacation theater i guess theater tickets cost like a hot couple hundred bucks yeah but do you remember paying for those not i mean i know i did at some point what about the prostitute lady from amsterdam i don't know that kind of

yeah cuz that's kind of entertainment yeah but that was also euro so i don't really know what the conversion is it was like twelve so it probably was less than a movie at the arc light yeah that's what i was thinking yeah so what's more expensive than that um i maybe i like i probably went to like a dave matthew's concert those are pretty expensive back in the day that's awesome i love dnb well how did you buy tickets before stubbub i think i always bought them on the internet i think they were i yeah i

always got them on the internet ticket master or something there might have been a maybe there was a fucking number that you called though yeah don't you remember like having to go to like tower records to get like concert tickets i remember seeing that in tv and stuff but i think you have to go to someplace to buy like the box office to buy tickets yeah you had to like wait in line somewhere to get tickets for something you never did that no i think i always i think i i called and then there was the internet that's awesome what i was the most you ever spent

five hundred twenty one thousand six hundred minutes that's right i paid eight dollars to see rent five hundred twenty eight thousand six hundred that's not the amount of time i went to a laker game for four hundred dollars once that's a lot how much four hundred dollars yeah that is a lot uh it was in boston i remember that that was a good game we lost that must have been a lot of that like that wasn't just a lot of money that was probably like a large percentage of what you had right yeah because when you're talking about

just percentage of your net worth we also paid close to 50 grand for hamilton tickets remember when we got beat up that's right end up not having to be able to there was that time that we were in australia we were going to uh byron beach or byron bay yeah and then we found out it was going to be really rainy so we took a flight to new zealand instead yeah that was pretty expensive that i guess i was just a vacation but it was like just a last minute uh inter intercont not

intercontinental uh intercountry international yeah flight we were mugged also once remember it's not really for entertainment yeah just for that well i guess that was for a bunch of youth stuck us up it was for the those uh those gang bangers they're at their entertainment yeah they had a lot of fun times there were the jets they were cracking up all right that's it that's the end of the game thanks for playing game boy oh good to be here uh if you have your own questions your own theme song

submissions please send them all down to if i were you show at gmail.com calm calm.com my niece on cube was toad what it was toad i'm sorry to hear that game boy do you need the number to a tow truck company or no need the insurance ran out i can't get it back oh that's sorry to hear that too do you want something to eat no all right i have a tapeworm i can't keep food down oh jesus christ this is a depressing game boy uh opening theme song was written by

nick carter this closing one is actually a blink 182 cover by colton hell yeah it's a song stick around for that i'm actually not sure but uh you'll know uh and we'll be back next week thanks so much for listening ta-da bye bye later that was a hate gun podcast