If I Were You - 340: New Porn (w/Rose McIver!)

Episode Date: July 23, 2018

Friend, actor and voice of HeadGum Rose McIver joins us to discuss ultimatums, gardening, and how porn habits die hard.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. Oh, you're saying that's what this sounds like? Yes. It's a sexy road trip song. If John Prine did a sexy road trip.

God, the perfect song. Can you imagine Prine riding about her road trip in his prime? Amazon Prime. It is Amazon Prime Day today. Rose McIer, thanks for coming back on our show. Thanks for having me, guys. Have we recorded in this studio? We have, thank you for remembering.

Of course, of course. Very early when you guys had just moved in. I was arguing with Jake. The catches were in a different position, but apparently I was wrong. New couches, different furniture, same position. Stronger though. Yeah, better, stronger. Faster.

Stronger. Velveteer. Rose, for those of you who don't know, is the voice of headgum. I am. Whether you wanted to or not. Did you know that we were going to use your voice for that much? I just can't wait for the residuals chicks to start flying in. Oh, because she gets a cent of every ad booked.

One percent or one cent? Both. Yeah, that's right. I guess it is the same thing. One cent is one percent of a dollar. John Prine. Everybody. You're also on a television show called iZombie.

I am. Not for long. It's our last season. What? How many seasons were there? Five or six? Five. It will be our fifth season that we filmed in Vancouver.

I started in two weeks. Oh my gosh. The fifth and final season? Fifth and final season. What will happen? Well, tell us right now. Will she become human? Is that the big overarching?

Will she die? I don't know. Is she trying to become a human or die? I'm not sure yet. We're going to see. Did you read the scripts yet or you don't know? We don't know. I don't know if they know yet.

Oh, they haven't even written it? You're starting shooting in two weeks. Do you know how television works? They start shooting and then work it out. They write and shoot at the same time. So how many episodes are in this season? They probably storyboarded the finale. Maybe.

But I don't know yet. Oh, it's interesting that you're the character, but you don't get to decide. They just drop it on your lap. You must have a little say. Like, do you ever get a script and you're like, this doesn't feel like me? Yeah. Well, they did a prank on me because I take on these different characters each week and they gave me one that was like, they know I don't like cats at all.

And I got this call and it was like, you're going to be a cat lady. Like, I hope you're okay working with a thousand different. We've got 16 rescues that we've got coming to shoot with you. I was like, oh man, I didn't. I was a consummate professional. Wow. I just hung up and cried and then they go back and like, oh no, it's a joke. We wanted you to be mad.

Yeah, they did. You said you were cool. We were going to see you be a diva. What would be your equivalent of that, Jake? Like, what would you be like? I think I can't do this. Cockroaches? Shooting with cockroaches?

Like, drop you in a pit of cockroaches. Absolutely not. What about eating one? You lived in New York. No. I mean, we shot a commercial where they asked me to eat pasta and I wouldn't do it. What? It was like unhealthy.

Were you on a diet? I was, yeah, I was on a diet. I'm like, I'm not going to just shuffle. They're like, all right, this is an eating contest where you have to eat more pasta than a beer. I was like, no, I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to ruin my day. I'll have this cockroach because it's low in carb and high in protein.

And high in roach. Would you rather eat a kilo of pasta or one cockroach? How big is a kilo? Two and a half pounds of pasta. Thank you. I have pasta, yeah. Two and a half pounds. You have to sit and shovel it down.

That would be fine. That would be a problem for me. Is it two and a half pounds cooked or uncooked? Two and a half pounds cooked every day for a week. You're changing the rule. You're moving the goddamn goalpost. This is my question. One cockroach once and it's over.

How big is the cockroach? Because I've eaten crickets before. Have you? Where did you do that? In Mexico. Several times. What's the difference between a cricket and a cockroach? Absolutely.

I don't know what the, at least in Mexico, they were like crisped. They were salted. It tasted like a salty little snack. Would you eat a crisped cockroach? Yes. Over pounds and pounds of pasta? Yeah, probably. With chili peppers on top and rolled in paprika.

How big is the roach? Is it going to squirt the roach? It's the size of a football. So it'd be the size of a football. It's two pounds worth of pasta, but it's roaches. Yeah, because he's been eating the pasta. If you're not going to have it, he's been just feasting on pasta. He's the size of a grapefruit at this point.

What's the thing that you wouldn't do? I already know and it's shave. I would shave if necessary. What I don't like doing is dressing up as a woman. That is so specific. I don't like wearing makeup, even like general makeup, like to be in a normal shape. What if it makes you look bitter? That's what I'm afraid of.

Like wearing lipstick and jewelry and drag and all that stuff. You think you might get too into it? I think it might turn me on and that freaks me the fuck out. Imagine me staring at myself and I'm just hard because the person that I'm looking at is probably the hottest woman I know. And that scares the shit out of me. Of course. Throw me in the roaches.

Throw me in a cat pit. Okay, what about if you were going to be on a TV show and you had like a giant pimple, they could cover it really nicely? See, that I'm okay with. What I don't like is when they put on too much makeup and then they're like, do you need something for your lips? And then they put on like greasy Vaseline. I just feel claustrophobic in it.

I love when they put Vaseline on my lips. I want just my whole entire face Vaseline-ed up. Yeah, shiny and new. I would love to be a shiny little boy for the day. Admit it. I am often a shiny little boy. Do I have a little shine to me right now? A little shine.

I put a lot of sunblock on this morning. Smart. Thinking of the future. Until everything comes out about what the chemicals do to us. Oh, dear God. Yeah, that's something I've been hearing. But it's like, it's worse. It can't be worse than the sun.

Why nothing is worse than the sun. Is it a competition? All right, we got to get started. We have to answer questions. Otherwise, people are going to yell at us. This is if I were you, an advice show hosted by Jake and I. Sometimes it's just me, Jake. Sometimes we have our best friends in the studio.

Today we have Rose McIver from iZombie and every headgum podcast you've ever listened to. Those are your big two credits, right? Yeah. On IMDb. What about the Christmas movie? That's a big one. Christmas Prince. I hope you guys are ready for the sequel.

Whoa. Coming out this Christmas. You already shot it. I did. The first one was kind of like this cult hit. Netflix got in trouble for calling themselves out. Yeah, that's so weird. Yeah, people just want to have a laugh, you know, just a bit light, bit fun.

Put it on, do a jigsaw puzzle and you can do it again this Christmas. December 25th. Christmas day. No, we're going to try to milk it. I think it'll come out like November or something. Just fucking put it out now. People like it year round. All right, here's a question from somebody named Rose.

Do you have a fake lady's name? Is there a theme or do we not do that anymore? You can choose the theme. So whatever you say first could dictate the theme. Maybe it can be the basketball players. Oh, that's good. Maybe basketball players from your new favorite team. No, I'm not being too specific right now.

Because I really, really was craving her name to be Kyrie. Oh, that's a really nice name for a lady. Is Kyrie still on the Celtics? You were never going to guess that. I had Boston, I just didn't want to say the name. You were going to say Celtics. Oh, classic. All right, easy does it though.

We can poke fun at each other. Kyrie. Within reason. I know, I know within reason. I want to know what Kyrie said. All right. Okay. And I'd like an apology before we move on.

What the fuck? All right, go ahead. Kyrie wrote, so I started this new job and I've been getting on great with my boss. Only a few years older than me, very laid back and chilled. While I get my work account set up, he suggested I log in with his details. While bookmarking some pages,

I found a long list of pages that he had bookmarked. Porn, sex toys, sex advice, lingerie for his girlfriend, the whole works. I would have just not sent anything, but I've noticed he lets people onto his account whenever they can't get onto their own. Meaning it's only a matter of time before someone else sees this stuff.

Basically, I'm wondering if I should tell him to delete the pages or just keep quiet. Please, uh, please ignorance, and let him, or I guess plead ignorance, plead ignorance and let him learn the hard way. No idea why he is just, uh, has this set up on his work account, but he's a good friend,

so I would like to prevent any awkwardness in the future, in the least awkward way possible. Many thanks, love Kyrie! Ooh, baby! So Kyrie found that her new boss has bookmarked lots of salacious sex stuff on his browser, and he lets people log into his stuff,

and then he'll be outed as some sort of sex person online by his co-workers on the day. I wonder how old he is, or how tech-savvy he is in general. 41. Yeah, that is... You know... I'm just sort of trying to paint a picture in here.

Bookmarking porn is kind of like an amateur move. You're not like, you're not 22 in bookmark. You can't remember where you found the porn. It's an auto-fill, and if you are an incognito... Every time, you need to just one-click, buy now. Yeah, buy it now.

Amazon Prime for porn. John Prime on the day. Do what do you think? Do you think that this is something that's worth nipping in the bud, or do you think it's fine that somebody... I'm really kind of torn, because part of me is like,

this isn't your job, you don't have to worry about this. Maybe other people won't find it, but you don't want to insert yourself into this. You're just trying to be the hero of the story. Is there a world where you say something to the boss, and he's like, oh, thank God, thank you for telling me,

or is he like, oh my God, I'm mortified, I gave so many people my password, everybody already's seen this. He's in too deep. Right, it's too late. Also, it's not like you found that he's having an affair. It's not like you found something that you're going to constructively change somebody's life for the better

by being able to help or something. It's embarrassing in a classic sitcom way, but it's not like embarrassing if you think about it, where it's like some guy has porn on his computer, where it's like, all right, that's fine, I just assumed. Join the club. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, but it's not embarrassing to say I have porn

on my computer, but it would be embarrassing if you guys got to look at all of the porn videos I watched in the last week. Oh, you would be ashamed. Yes, of course. Whoa, of course. I'm just asking, man. I didn't know it was deviant behavior.

It's normal porn. It's normal porn. But what I'm wondering is if he booked my site. It didn't sound normal, because you're deathly offended of anybody watching even a second of it. I think it's weird to be like, this is what made me come. Yeah.

Like porn generally makes you come. But if I saw the video that you got off to, it's a little too personal. You're very open. But does he bookmark? Does he bookmark? I mean, does he really need to go that deep? Can he just go like uporn.com?

Bookmark that. Yeah. Does it have to be forward slash? Details, you know? He doesn't want to search anymore. He wants to go straight to the good. Does he have a favorite verified amateur in the Pornhub community?

That's right. Sounds like you do. Y'all don't go into the Pornhub community tab, do you? I didn't think so. Are you guys really particular about clearing your histories and stuff? I am not. No.

Yeah. I imagine you'd be fastidious. I'm a splinter cell. I'm like, roll out of a car, take out the laptop battery, break it in half, throw one half in the garbage, throw the other half off a bridge, change my jacket, put on sunglasses, remove the hat.

Did you kill someone? I have a wig. That's me when I'm done with porn. That's right. I am out of the panic room in Bulgaria for some reason. I am born identity in myself. Yeah. My name and location comes up digitally at the bottom right of the screen.

New passport, a thousand euros. An envelope filled with a currency for a country that no longer exists. Shave off your fingerprints. Burning them on some sort of really... Bleach dish. ...really hot orb. And you just, uh, carefree. So I'll just search threesome on Google and then jerk off to the thumbnails.

You jerk off to the first video you find? Yeah, I'm not very particular. But there's a difference between being very particular and just being, like, even a little discerning. You'll find any threesome. Yeah, it's all exciting to me because it's all people having sex on video. That's enough. That's it.

Yeah. Just the fact that they're being filmed is so hot. But, like, I'll know videos so intimately that I'll be like, oh, I better come before this part because they're about to cut away to an angle I don't... Oh, you mean watch? I don't... oh, I revisit. You gotta have a respect for the classics. The hits.

What are you gonna watch Citizen Kane once? You only watch New porn? You jerk off to Citizen Kane? I'm in drag. Rosebud. Uh, oh wait, but you do have classics that you revisit. Yeah. More so than, like, movies or TV shows.

For sure. I definitely know porn much better than I know, like... But there are thousands being made all day every day. That's, like, reading another book. I'm caught up. I'm only watching New porn at this point. Like, when I... when porn... I've seen all of it. I've seen the whole entire back catalog.

I've seen every single... I've seen every single porn. And I've heard every song. No wonder you wanna glee your history. It doesn't even have enough space on his computer to save the cash. Do you watch porn? I... Okay. You're talking a big game?

No, I am. I'm speaking like I know a lot, but I'm not... I'm not devoted. No, I'm certainly not, like, a committed watcher or revisiter. So are you close... Do you feel like you're closer to me or Amir? Definitely neither. That's the right answer.

The perfect middle. I think girls tend to have more... This is a generalization, but maybe more of an imagination with it. And maybe you don't need quite the same stimuli and the... Like, to rely on it all the time? Yeah. Seriously, you don't always need porn or you don't always need, like, hard-core porn? Both?

I don't always need it. What's the difference between porn and hard-core porn? Where would you try the line? Well, soft-core porn, I'm saying. And, like, porn, I think, is, like, implied that it's hard-core porn. Yeah, I watch, like, waves lapping on the shore, you know? Like, in the 60s. Like, Zen Garden.

But there are, like, those, like, sex art ponds. Yeah, all reading things. Did I ever tell you about the time that Flora and I found... Boxes and boxes of really full-on porn, like, written porn, when we were, like, helping an old woman clear out her house? Wow. And it was, like, her husband had moved to a retirement home and she was following shortly after him and he wasn't very well.

Flora and I, newly in LA, getting paid, like, 80 bucks to move some house and recede her for, like, a full day. Oh, my God. And we looked, and we were looking in these boxes and she was like, oh, in the far right corner of the garage is my husband's... all his novels he's collected over the years. She had no idea. Like, top layer of boxes were, like, old first-edition classics.

The rest of the, like, 20 boxes in there were just full-on bestiality porn. Bestiality? Yeah. Written word? Yeah. It's, like, the equivalent of keeping... Like, the German-shaped Nick's door kind of stuff.

Jesus. But it looked like a secret savings. Oh, that's hot. Have you ever gotten off to a book, like, a romance novel? Oh, yeah. When I was in, like, sixth grade, there were, like, you know, it was, like, the deer penthouse stories. Yeah.

Those would turn you on. I don't know if I would, like... Full-on novels. I don't know if I would, like, look at a word and come. But, like, yeah, you... I would, like, read it to get hot and bothered. That is a thing, right? It's the romance novels.

And it's, like, basically describing sex to the point where... Absolutely. That's what's so outrageous on a plane when you walk down and you see, like, a woman, an 80-year-old woman reading, like, the Italian Stallion's new lover or something. And you're like, what? But I love that. That's, like, what?

They deserve that escape. They're an 80-year-old lady on a plane, like... On a plane! That's a hard thing to do, to fly at that age. Even harder when you're hot and bothered. Yeah. Can you read a book that's so hot that you just start orgasming without even touching yourself?

Probably. Jake. Yeah, and that book is Catcher in the Rye. If you read it in a certain light, you'll notice that you can sort of see... What's his name? Holden Caulfield's Dick in Peter of Gaps. Holden Celtics.

Holden Celtics, Jake. All right, so let's go back to figuring out whether or not we should give this guy or this lady the green light to say something about it or not. I'll say start deleting the bookmarks. Oh, wow. A little Robin Hood, a secret, like Batman. Oh, he will know.

So lead all the bookmarks. He doesn't necessarily need them. He will know. He'll see, and he'll be like, oh, my God, like, maybe somebody else saw this in my account. Yeah. What if he reprimands her? You really shouldn't mess with my bookmarks.

Now I don't know what lingerie to buy my girlfriend. There's girlfriend lingerie. They're smut. That's just gone now. There's a bunch of other shit that I can't find. This is him talking to the entire company. Who did it? At the board meeting?

Yeah. Anyway, Q4 numbers are up, up, up. Coin vertical. Nice. Rose, what would you do in this situation? You know what? I actually think that some of the more sound advice you guys have given.

Wow. Well, technically, I didn't give it. Jake has given. Namaste. Namaste, and thank you. My soul honors your soul. And I'm really sorry for whatever I did before when I called you out.

I owed you an apology. What did I do? Yeah, you said that. It was the Celtic trick. Yeah, sorry about that. And also, but I do think just deleting them like two at a time until he clicks and he's like, oh man, it's a subtle way. You're not rubbing his nose in it.

You just kind of advising him that people can see this. Yeah. I think it's kind. And then when you notice a little like pep in his step, you someday in the future say, by the way, I'm your quiet hero leaning in on his deathbed. We don't all wear capes. You don't what?

We don't all wear capes, she said. Got it. It was very good. Thank you. Sorry, I was doing my own little thing in my own little world. I'm so sorry. I should have just let you talk. Glad I came back.

Yeah. Was that what you would do or is that just what you think she should have? I would have ignored it and just let it get really awkward and somebody else deal with it probably. But I do think better, stronger advice is to subtly delete them. Take action. There's lots of little things. Sharp, decisive action.

Hell, I'm the hero here. And I am wearing a cape. Can you think of like a situation where like there was something happening where you're like, someone should deal with that, but I'm not going to. Like I feel like that's a lot of my life is like, oh, there's something happening in the distance. I'd rather not make it worse. Yeah, that happens all the time.

One time I was at the airport and a dog shit in the middle of the airport and the owner like cleaned up a little bit. Yeah. Like as best they could, but it seemed like they were like embarrassed sort of in a hurry and they left like two nuggets and a streak right in the middle. Two nuggets and a streak. And I like watched them.

I was like, that's crazy. Two nuggets and a streak. That's my dick and balls. With a forward by TSA. And TSAliot. And I was standing there. I was like, so much to tell somebody. And then I was like watching as people were coming by and I was like,

oh my God, someone's going to step in it. Someone has to do something. But not me, not now. And I was about to, but it took me a pretty long time. It was like, and I was looking at Jill and I was like, this is crazy. At the very least, tell someone. Yeah.

The coward's hero way. And then somebody, and then somebody like a better person. A better person. The classic is always when you see someone on the side of the road, like the cars parking down. Yeah. Like, should I? I should.

I don't know how the jumpers work. I one time helped. I may be more of a hindrance. I one time he gave somebody on the side of the road to jump. And they gave me a really delicious tamale. Wow. They had it in the boot? Yeah.

I think they were going to like on a picnic or something. And they had it was wrapped in tinfoil. I was so, so good. That's nice. I ate and got food poisoning. But there's another thing too. Like when I was in New York a few weeks ago, I was walking down the street and there was a guy like lying on,

on a, like in front of a stoop. And like, he looked like he was sort of like slightly better dressed than other homeless people. And he just like wasn't moving. And I was like, this guy could easily be dead. And I sort of waited and I like, think I saw him breathing. And I was like, all right.

I'm out. He's just passed out. It was just the wind hitting his jacket. That means that he was like on the edge and you could be saved if you made the effort. Yeah. I'm the kind of guy that'll stare until a really good person walks up to him.

He's like, Hey, sir, are you okay? And then when the, he, the guy goes, yeah, I'm fine. I would look at the guy that went over to health and like, all right, good work. I'm glad we like did something. You and I together. When I'm like, I didn't do anything. I just waited to see what, how the situation would resolve itself.

You just, do you just watched? Yeah. Or I'll step over the seemingly dead body and like, I would like sort of like accidentally like get like, catch my heel on his nose. Oh, sorry to see if it like jerks him awake or whatever. You kicked a homeless guy in the face. That's a different story.

Maybe if he's awake. No. What? Did I tell you guys about my worst ever day in Beverly Hills when I was first like living out here and trying to get auditions and I was feeling terrible about myself and we'd all gone out for drinks the night before and I'd stayed at Fleurs Place, my friend. And I was so hungover and just felt so seedy and was wearing the same

outfit, like full on, you know, I had put back on the outfit for an audition. Oh wow. And my stockings had a little ladder in them and I just felt like an idiot. And I was walking down a, I may have told you this, have I told you this? No. I was walking down like Rodeo Drive or something and this homeless guy was

like lying in the street and he looked at me and I mean, you have a hole in your stockings. And I was so sad anyway and feeling so low and he called me out for my fashion and I didn't get the job. A homeless guy is like, you don't have your shit together. Yeah, it was like that. I was like, wow, perspective. Is that where the phrase don't get your stockings in a ladder comes from?

That's not a saying. Okay. Well, interesting. I want to start when I was just saying maybe we can, so how would you use that? It would come from what Rose having her stockings in a ladder. Oh, that's kind of fun. I don't want this to be my thing. Don't get your, as Rose McIver once said, don't get your stockings in a ladder.

Don't get your stockings in a ladder. Oh, that's a really good impression. Yeah, you got to do it. Yeah, like Australia and wherever the fuck she's from. Don't get your stockings in a ladder, mate. That's really good. I got a shrill head. Oh man, that is a classic McIver.

I am the voice of your podcast. Oh yeah. I really can't tell who's talking. Thank you so much. I can't tell who's talking when you do that. It's so freaky. I can't tell who's talking. I'm staring at you talking and I really think it's Rose in your body or something.

It's fucking nuts. Namaste. My soul honors your soul, dude. Thank you. For real. We got to take a break. Thanks for sponsoring us and we'll be right back. Maybe we'll turn on the air conditioner because it's getting hot in here.

I'm hot and bothered. My stockings are in a ladder, frankly. Very nice. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode but the entire headgum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct.

I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why.

As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great. Really easy way to stay in touch with your family.

You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo. Yeah, frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in.

Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant.

Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you.

The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah.

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That's aura frames A U R A frames dot com. Okay. Go get your parents something. All right. And use the code head gum for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, aura. This is a U R A frame dot com podcast you were listening to.

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Rose, do you have any? Oh, it's a little bit. Oh, I'm coming. It looks gross. Sorry about that. The music career is going great, Jake. You thought that was me? You're still jammin' out?

Wait, did I do that? You did not do that. No, I mean, I didn't. I know I didn't do the guitar. Definitely didn't do the guitar. It's time for some unsolicited advice. Is that my voice? Is that a sample of my voice?

Unsolicited advice? Oh, interesting. Let's see. Oh, yeah, I think that is your voice. It is, right? I never realized that. Cool. I only did it right now.

Lars, a man that we met in Amsterdam, did that for us. Anyway, Rose, do you have any unsolicited advice? I do. In LA. Yes. Very hot. Very warm. Very heat wave prone.

Yes, triple digits. So my advice is don't go crazy at the nursery and plant out your garden until you have irrigation. Oh, you need watered plants. So your advice is to water plants. Yeah, but it's like to set up the watering system. I don't know if you know how technical those are. Kart before the horse. Exactly.

Because you get all, you want the place to look pretty, you plant all the lavender. Did you do any irrigation system at your place? Yes, but it only bursts like really short and really seldom because I don't like, I feel horribly guilty using it. Do you have a drought resistant garden? Yeah, I do. Succulents? But they still, to grow, to like start, they have to be integrated with water.

Did you use a service? Very expensive man. Was he very expensive? Yes. My yard is a jungle and I really, and I don't understand. You don't need irrigation then. That means you've got all the water. Yeah, I was constantly sprinklering.

So like his water bill last year was like 1800 a month. Was it really? No. But I don't know anything about my system. So I would do, I sort of want to like have somebody come in and just like scrape it clean and then re-build. I've got a really expensive guy for you. He's 1800 a month.

He's a giant. That's not bad. That's how you know he's good. What kind of plants did you plant? He is really good. Can you eat any of them? Yeah, I've planted, so well, we've only irrigated the front section. So we have planted like rosemary and lots of ground cover and things that, because it's

on a hill, it's just going to slide down without it. So that's why we really needed to do it. Does it look nice and lush? She just said that it died. It died on one when I spent like hours and I always thought I was such a green thumb too. Yeah, you got the hat and the visor. Not the hat. I had like one of those.

Clubs, clippers. A hat and a visor. Yeah, visor with a hat. No, I had one of those ones with the like long desert sort of flap down the back. Yeah, that's cool. Like you're a beekeeper almost. And my blandstone boots. Oh, that's cool.

And then did you have the, did you have the gloves, the thick gloves and the shears? I had some like cute little like mathesure gloves, you know, like the little rosy garden ones. But it's you just like clipping a dead cactus is like arms off. It's been here for like six months. I'm just pruning it again. I think we're going to need more water. Your fingers are bleeding.

That's good advice. Thank you for that. Irrigate your gardens. People. In LA before you plant. Okay. Cause I planted and thought I could irrigate afterwards and then you go away for the long weekend and all the plants die.

Three days without water. That's it. It's like, it's like that time you had that dog. Remember you left her in the house for a week and a half. Yeah. And then it didn't have enough water and boom. This is slu. Slentice.

Treasonous. Did you want to talk about your new favorite basketball team, the Los Angeles Lakers featuring your favorite basketball player of all time, LeBron James. The letter is true. LeBron is your favorite basketball player ever. He is. You got into him over the last year. I got into basketball through him.

That's right. Really. Okay. And I'm a huge fan of him as an athlete. Yep. And also as a human being in general. And then you even went to Cleveland to watch him play. He did.

I went to quick and loans. That's right. It was so exciting. They're pretty mellow crowd. Yeah. I would say I was the loudest in the quick and loans. Really? I was very excited.

Not a good sign. Not a good sign. Well, they weren't winning at that moment. No, it's not a great. Stop playing Warriors. How dare they? Cleveland has the best basketball player ever. Not anymore.

Every single day. I love LeBron. I don't know if I love him as much as Rose, but he's also my favorite player. So he got three LeBron fans in the studio. This is a complicated time for us because I knew the Lakers. Yeah. Well, I don't hate the Lakers. I just didn't feel that strongly about them.

I was inspired by this kind of ragtag bunch of like misfits that made up the Cavs. And I was hopeful that they were going to be the underdogs. Now it's sort of like. Well, the Lakers can be that ragtag misfits. They got the misfit DNA and they're an underdog. They were very bad for the last four years. So whatever you were feeling for. For the last four years.

Whatever you're feeling for Cleveland, you can transfer that over the Lakers. That doesn't work like that though. I mean, I bought the hats. Throw the hats away. It's all about burning the old hats and buying new hats. I think I'm going to support. I will always have a soft spot for the Cavs. Yeah.

And I love that LeBron is interested in giving back to his hometown and like supporting where he's from. Love that stuff. You can love Cleveland. I would love him one day to go on the Cavs. That would be beautiful. And it might happen. And so I'm keeping a candle, you know, for the Cavs.

But it is great that I'll be able to watch LeBron play here. That's right. You live. I'm warming a lot. And I like the Lakers. I like purple. You don't have to go to Cleveland to watch LeBron play anymore. You can just drive down the street.

And I hope that one day his son plays on the same team. That team? The Lakers? Yeah. The Cavs. I hate purple. I think I would like the Lakers if they were blue. So homophobic.

Blue and gold. What are you talking about? That actually was their original colors. Wait, who did you support? Who did you support? A bunch. Really nothing. I mean, I supported Cleveland.

That was my favorite team. I never saw you at the games. Wow. You never made it to the queue, did you? No, not the queue when we watched all together. That's right. We watched the finals. Oh, right.

At the sports bar, even. Yeah. I don't like watching sports at sports bars. Stresses you out? Yeah. Well, I feel like nobody actually paid attention to the games. Oh, we did. We were paying attention.

Oh, you believed that. I always got roped into a conversation. And the buffalo cauliflower. I feel like rooting for athletes versus teams is a new thing. That's what I do, yeah. So you're still a LeBron fan. It's going to be complicated for me. I'm also rooting.

I'm pretty actively. I'm more passionate right now about like anybody that can be Golden State. Because I hate Golden State a lot. Me too. Me too. But it's like what Seinfeld says now, you play, you support a jersey. You don't support like a hometown. Yeah.

It makes more sense to root for a human. And regardless of where he is root for that human. But that's sort of not how it goes. People just like whoever's wearing the yellow jersey, I like. But the Warriors, yeah, that's going to be, it's going to be a boring year. Yeah. But there's always next year and the year after. And if LeBron can just stay for four, eight, 12 more years.

I'm just starting to count on LeBron Jr. That's what I'm counting on. The genetics. It passed on to little Bronwyn. Bronwyn Surefoot. He's 14. He's going to be in the NBA in four or five years. It's going to be exciting.

That's why they're saying that's why LeBron signed a four year deal. Because then whatever, whoever drafts his son. He can go play with. That's insane. Hop on over. Will he definitely be in the NBA? Nothing is for sure. But he's only gotten better with age.

So it's, it stands to reason that he'll play until at least 30. Is he like a very good 14 year old? Yes. He's a very good 14 year old. Is he as good as LeBron was at 14? I don't think so. But there, there is NBA aspirations within him. Right.

And he'll have like the highest levels of training. Yes. Imagine. LeBron will take care of him quite well. He'll have the trainers. He'll have the facilities. Do as I do. And as I say.

He'll have the energy drinks. And if he needs a SAT tutor, I'm going to be right there waiting for him. I got a perfect 800 in math. Let's go over algebra, Brani. Basketball passed hard at your face. I just realized this means that I have to suck up to Jesse again. That's right. He works for the Lakers.

Oh my gosh. I have to suck up. I have to go guys. I have to make it cool. It's going to be really hard to get tickets. What about, did you guys watch the World Cup? Yes. Oh yeah.

I was super into the World Cup. Who were you supporting? I started supporting Iceland and Portugal. Of course. My two favorite places. Then I was, when they were eliminated, I was also supporting Mexico from the beginning. But then it shifted to Belgium and England. You must have loved the third place game.

I did not watch that. So I was pretty upset by the way the finals looked. And then in the finals I was rooting for Croatia. So here I am. So you had a great time. I was rooting for France because they have kind of the Lebron of soccer. That's why it's not fun to root for them. But you love Lebron.

Is that Desi? No, Mbappe. Oh. They don't have the Lebron. He's more of like the Curry. No, he's like this genetic freak 19 year old who can dominate even at a super young age. But it's easier to root for Lebron when he was on the Cavs because he was doing it all himself and the team wasn't that great.

So as soon as Lebron joins a good team in your house. You were rooting for Lebron on the Warriors, which I would not do. I would be too proud to do that. I would not do it. That's why you don't like Kevin Durant. Yeah. I just think, oh yeah. I mean, whatever.

We all know. We all know the Warriors situation, don't we? You really joined basketball in a weird time because it's like everyone knows who's going to win the championship. But you could have said that in the 90s with Jordan or in the 80s with the Lakers. Yeah, but we're like alienating a lot of people that listen to this podcast that don't like when we talk about basketball, but I don't care. We also talk about porn, guys.

But that's got way more broad appeal. Yeah, exactly. No, that's what I'm saying. We'll win you back with the porn chat next. All right, good. I'm going to talk to you guys about the Czech Republic's output of pornography. The Warriors came super close to losing, to not being in the finals. Yes.

So they're not like an invincible team. Your favorite ACP three. Yeah, I don't like the Rockets at all. Why? Because they don't have very likable players to me. I don't like Chris Paul. They probably say the same about you. I don't think he thinks about me at all.

And that's what really pisses me off the most. Imagine me in drag staring at Chris Paul front row. Oh, hey, boys. He's at the free throw line. Your lips are greasy with Vaseline. You can't see if a fucking rim because it's all shiny and sparkly off my lips. This is the game winning free throw. LeBron wins the championship yet again.

And then I wake up in a fever dream that I had because I passed out because it was so fucking hot. And that's what you jerk off to. And that's what my Google search is for the porn that I want to watch. We actually have another question that relates to pornography. So maybe we should get back to it. Let's do it. This is from a man. So do you have a man's name?

I know Kyrie was your woman's name. Who's your man's name? How about your favorite current power? Kyrie. A Kyrie. Kyrie and Kyrie. All right. Kyrie writes, I have an issue that I may need a tissue for.

I've started dating a fantastic girl that I love dearly and we both feel the when you know, you know. And she told me early on that she doesn't want me to watch porn because I'd be looking at other girls. Fine. She gave me nudes for my needs and we have sex on the regular. Win-win. But she also has a problem with my Instagram follows and Snapchats. I follow models and actresses are all the same. You know, I'm a dude and I've noticed that they're starting to disappear.

She's deleting them off my accounts in secret. I have nothing to hide. I give her my phone all the time. So do I bring up the fact that she's doing this and maybe have a fight or was I wrong and she should have deleted them before and I should have deleted them before and let it be. P.S. I haven't got to see you yet. Come to Canada more. Love. Perfume.

Okay. This is very related to the last question in which you suggested people deleting other people's porn. This girlfriend is doing it to her boyfriend. Um, he does not like it. This is a red fucking flag to me. I don't even think it's worth a conversation. I think it's worth a breakup. A breakup.

Even if it's your soulmate and she's like it's not jealous. It's not your soulmate. I would never be soulmates with somebody that was this. It's not your soulmate. It's not his either. Nobody can be a soulmate with somebody who does this. No, I think jealousy they have no soul jealousy of this level prohibits True connection. You can't be you you'll never she'll never truly know his soul because his soul wants to watch porn

Is it possible for you always hear about one jealous? Partner is it possible for both people to be super jealous like has that ever happened? Yeah, you ever heard that or she's sure It's like she's deleting my Instagram, but also you can't see anybody and it's like yelling back and forth turning each other on But yeah with the prohibitions until they're just locked alone in a bunker somewhere. Yep, fully happy that happens That does happen. Of course. I've never had so much and they found each other No, I've never experienced that I do think people get you know It's not like people are gonna get less controlling the more you go into a relationship and the longer you go

This sounds like especially the more it works. Yeah, she's not gonna be like alright good He doesn't watch porn and I deleted all of his Instagram followers and also I've confiscated your car keys Next you can't wear that hat and yeah, what's next? What's after this? You think there's no going back You're giving her more power. She's becoming emboldened, but you request things. Have you said anything to her? He hasn't no well, that's step one. I'm calling you out on that. You need to say I've noticed you're deleting my stuff Yeah, this is weird. Yeah, I don't want you to follow any like hot girls on Instagram. You have me. Here's another nude for you Is what you would say That's not good enough. Thank you for playing good enough

That's not good enough and now we aren't together anymore and now the world is my oyster yet again How would you guys feel if your respective partners followed hot dudes on Instagram who they didn't know? I would like flip my shit. I would yell and be a nasty boy. That would be so fine I would think it was hilarious like just sort of six packs and like, you know everything that you're not I Have six back. I was just talking about each other. Okay, you're talking into the mirror Do you have do you ever deal with this like you you have a man in your life Just do you ever check to see who he follows who he likes all this stuff the social media sleuthery? Well, he uses it really differently. He uses it for work really most of the time

He's got a few people that are like friends, but mainly it's so those bikini models are that's not that's work That's work Jake course, but do you is it possible to draw the line somewhere? Like it's fine as DMing not as DM. Oh, yeah Yeah, I think meeting up not as meeting up fine Well, I have a rule of like not reading or going into people's stuff You just if you look under too many rocks, you're gonna find something you just do that anyone could do that about anyone Whether it's just like some stupid Insult or like a car. I don't know whatever it could be anything, but don't get your stockings in a ladder basically

Yeah, don't get exactly as Rosemary Kaiba wins You're stockings in a lady. Seriously, who's talking right now? It's crazy. I don't know anymore But I do think this is been Jake for the last few minutes This eloquent nuanced take about jealousy is Jake is pure Jake No, I would say I'm also an actor and I remember him saying like oh, that's another interesting wrinkle It's like the making out with us on camera And he had a good phrase that I liked where he was like Don't move in next door to a bar and complain about the noise if you're gonna date an actress

You're gonna deal with that and you're gonna either have a problem with it and be a really difficult and wing partner But you know what you're signing up for it's an actress. It's what she does for a living But so he's really good about it. I think I haven't given him cause to be weird Is there any not with you but with anybody is there any like that is a little weird like just inherently making out with someone Even if it's quote-unquote fake does create some chemistry that tests the relationship or is it completely unfounded? I think it's the most I mean sure some people these showmances. That's what they call showmances with his romance What did I say sure? Oh, of course

Absolutely, it's such a clean punt. Yeah, sure. Oh like when you're on the TV show Here's show me that there are those people who do those but you can kind of see them They're serial showmancers and they're like answers. Yeah sure. Oh man says they just you know hop around and fall in love with leading men all the time and they just it's I Know those people you can kind of see them coming they leave other relationships all the time for then you Let's call them out by name. I would love to Sarah. Oh my god. I knew it. Whoa Kennedy Sarah Palin Kennedy the third Fucking showmancer to the third degree. She has been showmancing forever Because it is it forces you in a situation where like you're very intimate with someone So there is a little bit something to worry be worried about. Yeah

It's not something that if if you're not kind of in yourself and a little bit more like you have some perspective on Oh, that's we are working 18 hours together every day Like of course we feel like we're connected and get along great and then you leave and you don't ever think about them again You're like, oh, I'm fine. Which is what I'm gonna do when I finish my show. I will never think about anyone ever later You're a nobody to me, but I do think What do I think about the jealousy with partners thing, it's just exhausting It's a waste of time if something's gonna happen It's gonna happen not based on whether you're gonna control it or not

So if anything it might even cause it to happen. Yeah, it's more likely to happen the more controlling you are Yeah, but I think it's fair to be like, you know, maybe if that person is embarrassing you publicly by by like Saying a lot of stuff about other girls or whatever then maybe it'd be fair to just be like hey That makes me a little uncomfortable. Sometimes I know it might be irrational just letting you know where I'm at It's kind of a tactful way of doing it. That's not like I'm crazy. I'm gonna like Delete all your followers. Yeah, if you are experienced like if you are the jealous party, I think there's are you a jealous person? No, but I think that there's like a way to

Talk about your jealousy without being like you can't follow people on Instagram you can't talk to these girls You can't look at porn you have to like don't project it. Yeah, you got to put it on yourself Like I am dealing with insecurity. I don't know where it comes from But when you look at porn it makes me feel like you're cheating on me and like let's work through that So you look at it in top secret and don't ever talk to me about it ever again. I think that's how I ever catch it We're done people need to live in the shadows in the shade from time to time. You can't spend all day in the sun folks Oh my god, you're still a poet It's too hot sunburnt poet, you know, I flower you'll be dehydrated. I think the jealousy irrigation in first

It's not the jealousy shouldn't exist in relationships because I think it does But I think it needs to be dealt with from like the perspective of like where it's coming from and like not setting up rules Like don't do anything that makes me jealous. It's like rules don't work, right? How do I how do I talk to you and show you like and help you become more secure? But the answer isn't like I'm not gonna do anything that I like to do so you're happy. No, no, definitely not So man up curry have a little chat about it all. Yeah, you're going extreme. Just straight up break up I think that this guy this one's beyond saving. Let's just call it But generally all the other stuff I said about talking about jealousy open openly stance except for curry

What is you got a cut and run? Although if they're both feeling when you know it's no I feel like at the last at the very least you should be like you don't do that anymore And then it's like see how she reacts to that give her like Tell her that that's not gonna happen and see if she's just funny you an ultimatum Why don't you just be like well, this is who I am and I'm gonna do it Do you want to follow me extra people on Instagram? Yeah? Somebody's like both feel like you know, you know when you know and then they say something that's like such a huge impediment

But it looks that it's disastrous We fight twice a day and you just know when you know You know married people fight all the time. I guess Rose, where do you fall in that spectrum of breakup now and have a conversation? Well, I would say I would say have a conversation Stand your ground say this is something that is healthy for me I unless you have like a serious porn addiction and you need to like wrap that up a bit Doesn't sound like me. Oh Wait, we're talking about the person. I'm on a subway in Moscow

There's an explosion that I completely understood and saw coming I climb out of the roof and onto the fucking very crowded streets. I am ghost I'm gone for a year and a half. You'll never see me loading the Pornhub community tab on a burner On a flip phone that barely works. All right, cool. That's it. That's a we try to answer as many people Help as many people as possible. Thanks for coming by. Thank you for having me. It was fun to see you guys Is there anything you want to plug or promote before we get out of here? Just I'm gonna be looking for a job next year Oh my god I might get you reading auditions with me again. Oh got that magic touch. I thought you don't have to audition anymore

Once you're on you have to be offering successful show. I am offer only. Yeah, but you have a mirror reading your offers I'm reading your emails for you. Well, I will actually yeah, because I'm all in responding on my behalf So when do you shoot? When are you when are you unemployed again? I'll be unemployed as of January. Oh For my birthday you got some time Can we get you saying that was a headgun podcast so we don't have to put the stinger in at the end? That was a heat gun podcast. It's perfect If you have any questions of your own send them to if I were you show at gmail.com the opening theme song was written by Oh, Tyler this closing one was written by somebody called crème brûlée PDX who I believe we've used their stuff before so

Thanks crème brûlée. Thanks Tyler and thanks to you guys for listening and thanks to us for coming by Thank you. We'll be back next week There go Yeah I had sex With my best friend's girlfriend now I'm feeling stressed I must come back, but I swear I tried my best Think I need some help, and I just need some rest

Who can I email when I'm really feeling pressed? Got a lot of cheese and it's easy Hope to get some advice that I need Thank you for the coin Evils I know It's a fire you the pocket show That was a heat come podcast. It's perfect