If I Were You - 35: Merkin (with Allison Williams)

Episode Date: November 7, 2013

Star of HBO's "Girls" Allison Williams joins us to discuss manscaping, poking, and pornography.This episode is brought to you by SquareSpace! Build your own website/online store in just minutes! It's easy and cheap, especially if you use coupon code "IfIWereYou."See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Look, if you had one question or one inquiry to seize every cheese you ever wanted and one comment, would you hashtag dope it or left swipe it on Tinder? You better email if I were you, show a gmail but don't worry they won't let your name show, and an empty sketch is safe so make a question known, let's shake in a mirror as if I were you the show Self-conscious What? What happened? That was good. He had a perfect game going. No he didn't. He had Eminem had a perfect game going. He played some of his perfect game then went out and took a shit on the mound. It was perfect. Right up until he started rapping. Is that how this song goes? You know I feel a little bit bad making fun of him but it seems like he gave up too, but he's like eh, he had a stroke during it. I can't believe he recorded it. Hey guys, I want to introduce Allison because I feel like she's not going to talk until we do, right? Yeah, that's probably going to be my plan. So we're here today with a very special guest, Allison Williams and she's our first repeat guest. I am so honored. Thank you for having me. It's our first, yeah. It says a lot about Allison as a guest but it says a lot about us as a podcast. What does that say? We've reached 32, 33 episodes in every four years. I think it's just that I responded to your text first. Chill.

It was a group text. All of us. Pat, Ricky, me, your mom. And everybody else just said nose goes and sent pictures of themselves with their hands on their nose. Weirdly your mom was first. XOXO mom. Wow, you really are. I'm a huge fan of the Peacast. You're also our, yeah, our only guest that actually listens to the show so we appreciate that too. That's not fair. Ricky listens to the show. That's true. That's true. Okay, never mind. Pat definitely doesn't. That much was clear. It's okay, we can make fun of Pat. He won't be listening to this. He won't hear it. So the show is called If I Were You. Who sent that, um, oh. Did he call it Tender? I think that's what threw him off. I think he said Tender got distracted. Bellasleep started rapping in his sleep. Bellasleep on the record button. It's an eminent parody up until a certain point. Then he started singing. That's how it works. You can't do that. But how promising is it when it started?

Dude, I went like that. Those chords was just so excited. Yeah. And then there's some kind of weird like song filter. Like he auto-tuned it, but the auto-tuned broke. Guys, if you do have your own song, we usually don't ridicule the person. I feel bad, yeah. I do feel a little bit bad, but at the same time, he gave up in the middle. So I don't feel entirely through that. We're going to circle back and keep trying this. But certainly you guys are going to do something like that. We keep on just saying like, oh, we appreciate it. We don't mean to make fun of him, but at the same time, he was awful.

But no, we do encourage you guys to send in your songs. We appreciate creativity at the same time. That guy was the worst. But also though, we really appreciate it. We love that he did it. That being said, it was absolute garbage. Don't ever do it again. Obviously, you had your one shot and you did miss your chance to flow. I mean, I feel bad. I'm reading his game right now. It just says he's been a fan since day one. He's been watching us forever and this is it. So we do love you, Red Bell Central. And we do appreciate you doing that for us. Give it a second try. We'll play it again. We'll play another one.

We'll play it every goddamn episode as long as it sounds as humorously as it does when you just sort of fall asleep on the fade out button. Yeah. Anyway. You turned into a ghost and flowed it away. So how does this podcast work? Well, it works by people. People email us in their questions. Can I put them in? Do you think that sounds wrong? I don't know. Only one of you played it out. Well, you're not supposed to end. If you were to end the sentence there, it'd be grammatically incorrect.

Which is exactly what I said at the end of that episode. But you don't end it there. So I say, just email us in and... That was the problem. Just email us your question. They're not putting them somewhere. If you were turning them in, you'd use the word in. So yeah, we got a show. Just email us in and... No, you're like, what? Email us in what?

They email us in their questions. In the internet. Yeah, they email us in their questions. They're in a difficult situation and they try to seek advice from us. And we do our best to offer it to them. And sometimes we are joined by guests like today. Yeah, and today we're joined by a very special guest. We already introduced her, right? The specialist guest. Aw, you guys.

Thank you for calling me, ma'am. Ma'am, we're respecting that part of my writer. Ma'am? The first time I've ever been nice to a woman. Ma'am? Should we get this party started? In here? Let's get it started. Ha!

Ooh, that would be a good parody song. Yeah, I mean, I feel like we shouldn't even ask anymore because now they're coming in and they sound like that M&M. Actually, you know what, guys? We appreciate all the fans' submissions on the songs and he ruined it for everyone. I think that's the last one. Oh, God, that was always the worst in school. It's like, well, that was ruined by one classmate. He ruined it for everyone. He took it to a dark place.

It's like the guy who tried to set his shoes on fire on an airplane and now we all have to put it on the bin. Yeah, you dick. He really did win. Is that the crime? Yeah. Didn't he bomb in his shoe? Yeah. He didn't try to set them on fire.

I think, didn't he? Well, he had a bomb in there and he tried to light them. It, like, went off. Did it go off? It didn't work. It looks on you because your feet are going to explode. That is the ultimate, the ultimate revenge. Either way, we're still putting our shoes in a goddamn bin thanks to that guy.

You jerk. You ass. You know you can put them on again, Amir, right? What? You know you can put your shoes back on, right? He slept in so many bins. It just sucks, like, because now, because of him, we leave the shoes in the bin, we have to ride the plane, bury them, get off, go right straight to a fucking shoe store.

It's been a goddamn fortune on shoes in the West since 9-11. I have to finish my water, throw my shoes away. How was that fair? Not. All right. Let's get started. In-ha. In-ha.

This first email comes from a person we'll call Aladdin. No spoilers as to what the theme is. Just know that we're calling this person Aladdin. It's a real email, fake name, to preserve his... Anonymity. Anonymity. Oh, fuck. It was the first time I didn't say anonymity correctly.

I got so excited to beat Allison to the punch. You're here every week. It's not a contest. The ironic thing is, you've probably listened to more episodes than Jake has. That is not fair. But that is true. No, I listen every episode. That's not true.

Yes, it is. You listen every episode? I'm a narcissist. In that regard. All right. Ready? Yeah. My friends kept going on about how your shlong looks keeps bigger when shaven, so I went

for a wax. The lady there convinced me to opt for a super expensive, full permanent laser to completely remove all the hair there forever. I had been going out a charting to this girl for the last couple of days. I had been going out a charting. What is that? Is that a court? Is he British?

I'm waiting for a context clue. Keep going. There's a chance he's from Australia and a chance that he just made up a word. I had been going out a charting to this girl for the last couple of days, and I think she wants to take things further. But one time, when we were talking, she said she hates a guy who's completely shaven downstairs as it's too feminine. I don't know what to do as my hair is gone forever.

Should I wear a wig down there, or should I just live through the embarrassment of my bald balls? Thanks, Aladdin. Oh, dear. Well, Prince Ali. Ali. Yes, he. Well, he had three wishes.

Ali Ababwa. They'd all be for pubes, so I think he went too far with a single friend's recommendation, right? Yeah, you don't. You don't like, oh, yeah, I really like this restaurant. Cool, I'm going to buy it. I'm going to eat there forever. I have to eat every meal there now.

What faith he has in his friend. The laser removed his hair. Not to be technical, but that usually is a couple sessions, so I think this means that he went in, got it lasically removed, and made the like, all right, I have to sign up. I'll come back in two weeks. Crazy. What a permanent decision. Are you sure it makes your shlong looks bigger because I'm sort of bald down there forever

now, I think. It's permanently gone. In your professional opinion, ma'am, would you say my shlong looks enormous or just massive? I'd say it looks smaller. What? No, no, no, no, no. How?

I got it permanently done. At very least, could you point me in the direction of your best merkin? A merkin is a pubic wig. Merkin. Jesus Christ. We're learning something today. That is so. So those are real?

You can get a merkin? A pubic wig? How does that work? Is it like the shape of a donut? No, it's, oh, for a guy, maybe I've never seen a male merkin. I think generally it just deals with the top half. The top half. The top.

It's usually just sort of a V shape. Is it for people who have alopecia? You could have a moustache shaped merkin, like oiled and twisted up on the side. Like a 1920s roller coaster tycoon merkin? Yeah. What would the purpose be? If you can't grow pubes, then you want them. Well, in, in the acting industry, it's for like, if you're on Boardwalk Empire for that

period movie, there was no, you know, maintenance down there. So it's for fake bushery. So yeah, it's for fake bushery. Wow. That's cool. Also, I think, although I might be mistaken, I think it's a workaround for full frontal nudity. Oh, it's like somebody doesn't want to show their actual.

Yeah. Invented by Alan Merkin in 1981. The merkin. No, actually, luckily we are recording that Alan Arkin. Alan M. Arkin, so they shortened it to Merkin. Luckily we're recording this in rec room because one, it sounds great and two, I can use my computer while we're talking. Yep.

So now that I can use my computer, I can tell you exactly that a merkin is a pubic wig and originally worn by prostitutes after shaving their genitalia and are now used as decorative items, erotic devices or in films by both men and women. Interesting. That's right. Very cool. So anyway, you fucked up royally. I know.

Your cubes are gone forever. He's already done it. This is the worst part. It's done. It's happened. And now. The crime has been committed. And now you have to wear this.

I'm pointing to the Wikipedia page of a merkin, which is a guy with a pink merkin. Oh, no. Captioned a merkin used at Burning Man. Jake, you remember seeing this? Jake wore them. Is that Jake? Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

That's me. That's Merkin. That's me and Merkin. My playa name was Merkin. Merkin the Birkin Man. And twerkin, merkin the Birkin Man. It's just like it's, it's sad that the advice has come to this, like, you need, all right, so you have to get a merkin, a pubic way to get called a merkin.

No, no, no. So this girl dropped a hint that probably, here's my guess, because that's a randomist thing to say. And she knew. I think she knew. I think she knew, and she's trying to slow fade the relationship, and she's like, how do I get out of this? What is an unchangeable quality of this?

That's a theory. I don't like that I can get out of this. Oh, I feel bad because he's been a charting with her. Charting. Yeah, he's been a charting with her, I think. Is that a typo, or is that a thing that people do? It's definitely a typo. I'm trying to figure out what it is.

A party? Going out a charting to this girl. What could it be? According. According. We've been going out according to this girl for the last couple of days. No, according. Like, I'm, I'm, I'm according her.

I'm, I'm according. I've been going out. Oh, I was thinking, she's like, I mean, this bitch has been saying we've been going out for a couple of days. I don't know. I've been going out according to this girl. I have no cubes. I have no worries.

So anyway. You trusted your friend too much. My pubic mound is scorched earth now. Get a second opinion before permanently removing anything, let alone your pubic mound. Yeah. Well, he got one from the waxer who just upselled him on this. Not, no, he didn't get an opinion. She just said that he could.

Oh, oh, yeah. If you want your poops gone, there's this cost a thousand dollars does, yeah, we'll take them off forever. Yeah, I'll do that forever. Also to wax them, that seems so painful. Oh God, I would never. Does it make your schlong look bigger? I think I think it makes your dick look weirder.

It looks like a little boy, but it just is young and big. I think it just looks. It makes it look different. But there's a question. Man scaping. Is there like a universally approved length of pubic hair that people prefer? Just manageable. Yeah.

So just like not too crazy. Yeah. But not completely bare. I'm with a dubs here. Not completely bare. I think that's weird. I think that would be weird. I've never seen completely.

Beard or shorter or longer. Probably just about that. I'm pointing to Jake's merkin right now. Jake and Amir are both pantsless. I'm wearing a pubic. They're directly in front of me asking my opinion. Who has better pubes? These are the most immature and insecure people I've ever met.

They're so terrifyingly insecure about themselves. Amir's pubes are down to his knees, which oddly I'd prefer. They're French braided with two tiny red bows on the end. Oh my God. Holidays are coming. A pee-pee top is what I call it. Yeah, I would say hold your head high. This is how it is now.

It's going to be fine. I mean, at the end of the day, if a girl likes you enough, like it's not going to matter if you had too much or too little. It's all going to be okay. And if a girl at this stage, while you're just a charding. Just a charding period. Oh, charting? Charting.

I couldn't get it out without loving. If you're still in that phase and she voices that big of a problem with it, then screw her and just move on to the next one. It sounds like she just said, oh, I prefer this. That's not necessarily like a game changer. Maybe test that theory. Yeah. She's like, oh, yeah.

I would prefer to have pubes too, but they were burned off in a fire. I was like, oh, no, it doesn't matter to me. Well, let me explain. The fire was sort of a concentrated laser fire that I paid for. And we're turned for three or four sessions of it. But look how much bigger my dick looks now than the hypothetical altered dimension that you saw me with pubic hair. I can't believe, yeah.

You know, I had, I'm not trying to brag, but actually this summer was my summer of perfect pubes. Oh, that's a big deal. I accidentally cut them too short back in May. And they just grew in the appropriate amount by June. And then I rode that wave straight up until September, right up to Burning Man. So you're saying then what happened at Burning Man? They got too long and too long and dusty.

Do anything about it? I trimmed them when I got back. Oh, when you got back. So the summer of perfect pubes is just you growing your pubes out. Well, yeah. It was one of the two month phase. It's like a new birthday. It was one of my pubic discontent.

It's similar to the summer that you were 13 years old. It's the same thing that's happening. Oh man, did you ever shave your, um, your armpits or your pubes so they'd grow in fat like thicker? No. Me either. On the count of three. One, two, three.

Yeah. No, I didn't. So we agree on that. Then we both didn't do it. Then we're both normal. Wow. I've never heard of that. But you can't give into that temptation.

Like every time girls go in to get their nails done, the person says you should shave your arms or we should whack your, wax your arms. Oh, are they just going to like make money? Yeah, it's more expensive. Do girls wax their arms? I don't know. It's very popular in the Asian culture.

And so they look at our arms and think they're just disgusting and hairy. And so they want to wax them. And if you wax your lip, people wax their arms, people shave their arms, people wax everything. Swimmers, swimmers shave everything. I guess it depends on if your arm hair is like blonde versus brown, right?

But at the end of the day, does anybody care more than you? Like nobody cares that this was my perfect pubes summer. Well, the girl is this guy seeing. I don't, but she's just like, has a preference. He's like so insane that he went and whacked. He like. How on earth did that come up? They're at like a movie.

They're talking about politics. By the way. You're charting with someone you run out of shit to talk about. That's true. Everybody's like charting to this girl. By the time I'm dating someone, I know so many like weird random little opinions of theirs. That's true.

That's a poor guy. He changed his life over like the fucking opinion of his friends. If you're not done doing this session, stop now and it could grow back. So our specific advice is don't wear a wig down there. No. And live through the,

not the embarrassment of your bald balls, but wear them proudly. And honestly, my donut idea, not terrible. Not terrible. A little, a little Krispy Kreme down there. That's a treat. That actually sounds nice. Yeah.

It's not messy. People be charting down there. There's like, do you ever play that game where it was like, it was like underwater and you like press a little button and then like the hoops flew up in the water and they tried to land on the stick. Oh yeah. Little rings tried to land on the stick on the water.

Make fun of them for that game. But you were on board. So now I'm the weirdo. Sorry. Thank God, Alison's here. She can teach us about what merkins mean, the hoop and underwater ball. That game is actually also called Merkin.

Jake, I'm totally lying. I have no idea what the fucking is. Really? No, I'm kidding. I know exactly. That should be an app. All right. Next question.

Next question. This one comes from some guy we'll call Jafar. Still trying to get this. I know. I have no idea. Jafar will definitely narrow the choices down. Some type of Shakespearean shit. Hey dudes.

One day after not much contact, my ex's best friend poked me on Facebook. We were only really acquaintances before so I thought it was strange. I poked her back. And that's when my problem started. We've been poking back and forth for a month with neither of us starting the conversation.

It has turned into a crazy person's chess game where I feel like certain amounts of time between pokes indicate actual thoughts or feelings. Does this dumb interaction mean anything? Is she being polite? What if I accidentally clicked poke first and she feels obligated to continue? Help a brother out.

Oh my God. This is so neurotic. This is like the most generic... Yeah, it's like dolphin trainers. Sonar. It's like the most generic, non-descript, non-specific form of flirting. It's just like a general vibe of...

It's also the most specific question we've ever gotten. Crazy pokes. It's cool. I feel like we have to try to figure it out. Well, it was so dramatic when he said this is where my problem began. I was like, oh God. And a crazy person's chess game?

So wait. This is his ex-girlfriend's best friend. Yeah. Okay. So maybe there was something there during the relationship. He gets a poke. I really like picturing him in a basement somewhere

with a printout of the pokes where they came from. Maybe she was like... The lines of string. Yeah. The hob and his ears face for some reason. The pokes are coming from inside the house. That's really weird. A poke is like a text that doesn't say anything.

It's just like, boom, I'm thinking about you. Would it be crazy to suggest next time they see each other in person he poker? Oh, taking it to the physical world. But show up at her door. Ring her doorbell when she answers. Poker in the nose. Poker in the eye.

Just right in the tit. Just square on the nipple. And then say checkmate. I think this is both what we were asking for. I haven't used my Facebook in a month and a half. I think your friend is fucking... The girlfriend jumps out of the bush. You asshole.

You're poking my bestie. I can't figure this one out. Yeah. I think that's probably the extent to which she knows she can be in contact with him. Yeah. Because that way poking is like, oh, I'm flirting with you. But if anybody sees it...

Poking is like... It doesn't mean anything. Although now... There's nothing... Poking is the most flirting... Right. I was gonna say, he probably gets really excited when he gets a poke from her.

And probably the same is true for her. Yeah. Which is kind of beautiful. Here's what I think is happening. I think she is like... There's no way she can make a move on him. Yeah. You know, it's like her best friend's ex.

But she's like, oh, I'll just... The most passive thing. Just let him know that I like him. And see if he's interested. But he's too scared too. Right. They're both too scared to do anything about it. Because both of them feel like,

I can't do anything. It's my fucking ex's best friend. She's like, I can't do anything. It's my best friend's ex. So what do you guys have to be the bigger person and send a message? And since I can't talk to her, it's gotta be you.

So you gotta take it from poking to messages? I think so. Here's a cute message to get it started. The word poke. Then she has to reply. That's happened to me on Facebook. Really? Yeah, 100%.

What happened? It was a mirror. It was poke. It was you, you son of a bitch. You coy little diva. And it worked. We hooked up. We started a web series together.

And that was it. That's how it all started. That was our history. I've never heard the origin story. It's beautiful. Yeah, people like to know. People are like, how did you guys get started? Like, actually, the mirror poked me.

On Facebook. We briefly dated. Segwayed into a professional relationship. And toadah. We started doing these toadah rabah. Seven years later, we have a podcast. A three week a charting period. Where we just charted into this.

We both got our pubes waxed. Went merkin shopping. It was somehow all a montage, although in real life as well. Yeah, it was make my dreams come true was the soundtrack for it too. You got my heart to handle charting. All right.

Well, yeah, I mean, I think so, although I kind of think one of them should just fall for someone else too, because it feels like this can't really ever happen. You have that wholesome advice of like, you guys can't do this. This is real. I know.

But the poke, the forbidden poke is very flirtatious. Keep this going, but also keep up your side game and see if you can meet someone else. But once you start like falling for somebody you shouldn't fall for, there's no stopping it. Like that, right? Like just, I mean, There's no stopping it for you

because you have no willpower. No, a lot of people, that's not just me. You dick. Oh my God. You're lucky this mic stands here. It's so paper thick. For me and not for you, but for a lot of people in between us.

Yeah. I think it is true. Alison agreed with me. Yeah, I did. What? What was the argument? I agreed that when it's forbidden just based on like literature and the world

just pop culture. Yeah. Because I came up with this theory that she's just always taking people's sides. She's pitting us against each other. See what I'm doing? Oh my God. Who wins here?

I end up with a podcast for your recording studio. She pokes both of us as soon as we go home. We leave Alison Accord's 90 episodes by herself at Rec Room. They all get much higher traffic than ours. Guest host, Adrian Grenier. Oh my God. That'd be a great podcast.

I would love that. UNAG. Love it. Brian, can we get that to happen? Brian? He's nodding? Yes. Get Grenier out of the horn, please.

We'd love to Skype him in for the last three questions. So first things first, we're going to have to tell him what the podcast is. Explain that it's happening in his house. Yeah, I love this as much as we will. It's so funny.

Just the same amount. We recorded six to eight episodes in Adrian Grenier's house. Does he even know that this podcast exists, Brian? He's saying no. He doesn't. He didn't even hesitate or lie. I never heard of entourage.

I don't get to the point where podcasts are being recorded in my house that I don't know about. Yeah, it's so cool. That's a cool place to be. It is a cool place. You could just live in a shitty area. Yeah.

And people would just break it. Well, I guess if you live in a shitty area, you know, it's breaking into record a podcast. My apartment is so small. I know everything that's happening there always. Yeah. Unless you don't think someone's recording a podcast there right now.

Adrian Grenier is just farting into a microphone in your living room right now. Holy shit. Don't say that. It's number two on iTunes. Never farted, dammit. That's just what you want to believe. He's never farted and he has perfect cubes.

Don't tell me that. Don't tell me that. Do you think there's a weird podcast where it's just a guy eating on camera? That's my worst nightmare. Episode 21 of Burrito. Oh, God. I hate when people eat into microphones.

This is the grossest thing in the world. Yeah. Sorry. No, Todah. Absolutely, Todah. You gotta do you. Well, you also hate seeing people eat. Well, I mean, the microphone thing doesn't...

You have crazy eating things. Yeah, yeah, I can't. It is so Freudian. It's insane. You need to go into analysis immediately. When you're listening to Jake spout off his ideologies, do you have any assessment of that? Yeah, a lot.

But I feel like he's sort of finding his own way. Also, his mom is super smart, so I feel like you're in good hands. Yeah, just... But I'm as worried about him as you are, Amir. That being said, I'm scared. That being said, I'm terrified. What was that?

About his life and well-being. We got one theory about why you're like the way you are. Oh, yeah. Somebody said that I grew up in a household where I learned father and an accommodating mother. So in like a fight-or-flight response, I fled from my authoritative father figure into a more feminine world where I like found myself and...

That's why you pursue women. Yeah, so like pursuing women is sort of my way of asserting my manliness is what he said. Yeah. Though I disagree with that. Why? You're uber-feminine with women. I think...

Well, because I just think I'm a pimp, so I don't really know what you're talking about. I don't know what he's talking about. I can't shake him off me. Coming at me left or right? On the real, that seemed a little gay. To be true. To be absolutely true.

That's some sensitive shit right there. I don't really like that. I didn't get it. It's not my thing. I'm more into like guns and balls and stuff. Yeah, and like I'm feared of my dad, sure, but... Tough guy afraid of his dad. Whatever, man.

I'm fucking afraid of him. I'm trying to find exactly what he said, but maybe to give him some credit. So, well, his name was Sam. And yeah, you basically nailed it. Thank you. Fine Refuge in the... Yeah, I printed it out and burned it.

Fine Refuge in the female world where you have developed your sense of being a man by getting with chicks. He tried... I love this. In my head, he wrote it really intelligently and then went in and edited each word to make it sound more bro-ey. Right, put it into my terms so it would affect me.

So that Jake would remember it. You're a quack, dude. You're an absolute quack. No, he's absolutely right. He's a marksman. Did we give this person advice? I think so, wait. Yeah, either...

Yeah, some more message to say is poke, but just tread carefully. Conflicting advice. Allison wants him to walk away. I think it's gonna be too hard. I think he's gotta swing the bat. I think he's gotta send that message. Have you ever hooked up with a ex's best friend?

No. 30 hours of silence. I really have not, actually. What's the longest dead air? I'm setting a record right now. There's a dead air podcast, actually. It's an hour and a half of white noise. Wait, yes, but it was in high school.

An ex's best friend. Yeah. That doesn't count. Well, technically, she wasn't my ex when I did it. Hey-o! Why is there not even a pause break? Whoa! It took us a second to realize we were in the room

with the devil. We're the worst person all day. Shit, I'm spouting horns. My hat's coming off. I'm spouting horns. It's insane. Horns spelled with a T, suddenly, according to your dialect.

Horns! I got horns, man! Helps. Helps, I got horns. Horses in the nail! No, but the temperature in here did increase by close to 150 degrees. He said that.

One Lucifer himself. Lord. God, you're such a pimp, dude. I am the dark lord. You're the man. You're the man to me. You're the man now, dog. All right, moving on.

Obviously, that was an ill-timed reference, I guess. I'm the man. I'm the man. You want to move on to question number three? Sure. All right, all right, all right. What should we call this male? Genie.

Aladdin. No. No, that's the thing. Damn it. All right, I'll keep guessing. Aladdin, too. Genie writes, Here in Australia, we have a thing called Movember,

where you can get your friends to sponsor you to grow a mustache for charity over November. This is everywhere, by the way. Yeah. My friend told me he was special. Australia. He's a really good thing. I just want everyone to know it exists everywhere.

My friend told me he was growing one for Movember, so I sponsored him for $40, which is quite a lot of money for me since I'm a poor student. The problem is, I found out a few of my other close friends are all independently doing Movember, and I think I'm kind of expected to give them all the money, which I don't have. What I want to do is take back my initial donation

and share it out evenly amongst my friends, a bit like Jesus divvying up a few rolls of bread to feed the masses. I don't think it's illegal or anything to retract donations to charity, but I'm kind of worried my first friend will be pissed. Everyone seems really weird about charity around here, so I've been afraid to ask anyone I know.

Help me. First of all, this guy said, here in Australia, we have a thing. Australia's the best. And then he compared himself to Jesus divvying up bread. We're giving $40. No! Okay, this is really quick.

You keep the donation with your initial friend because you made that pledge to his cause, and then you tell the rest of your friends, hey, sorry, you don't get my money. I'm a poor student. It wasn't going to make that big of a difference anyway. It doesn't matter. Don't go to the same charity.

Yeah, it doesn't matter if you're giving it to one person. No, he said individual. I don't know. Whatever, it doesn't even really matter. Just tell them you'll get them next year when you're a rich student. Jesus realized that he was actually really hungry and he asked for all the bread back. It's like, um...

That actually happens in Aladdin, too. Aladdin breaks apart the bread, he gives it to the orphan. He gives it to the little... No, the brother-sister kind of. Yeah, yeah, the orphans. Oh, you know what we can do is... And then a boo is like...

And the last one, come on a boo, and then a boo is like... Yeah, we are out of time, actually. So upsetting. Jake is now fucking a cartoon monkey, actually. Oh, dare you. Here's something we can do to help. He gives us the November pages of his friends,

and we'll put it on our website and then we'll get people to donate. That's nice, but no, no, no. We helped this dude. That's fine. Next question. Sorry, sorry about that. Oh, my God, that's terrible. We had a brush with kindness.

It was so brief. I really am the devil. My heart, holy shit. It was beautiful and brief while it lasted, but no. You're stealing money from a cancer chair. You guys are on your own. Yeah, everyone Venmo me five bucks. Just cuz.

I'll give some of it to November or whatever it is. I swear to G that 25% of it will make its way to some sort of cancer patient. No, we should do that. That'll be nice. So I'm going to email this guy. Hopefully he gets back to me by Thursday, and then we can help him out by pimping out his friend's November.

Then you can keep the $40 where it was, and then we'll see if we can find any fans of ours who are willing to give to such a great cause. I don't want to call you out, but on the way here in the car, in the way to rec room, I read that question, I suggested that. So you're trying to make it seem like you just came up with it on the fly and I'd appreciate it.

Wow, you took a car here. Must be nice. Excuse me. It was business expense. Must be nice to be in a car for so long. What's it like? Actually, it was an Uber X. Okay, not an Uber.

It was not a town car. It was a Toyota Camry. Also, since we came up with the idea of donating stuff, Jake and I are obviously not on the hook to actually donate. What we're doing is even more important. We are getting the word out there. We are sort of spreading the wealth in that regard. Also, real quick, I was lying.

I did not know you were going to say that about promoting his mustache thing. I don't want anyone to think I was an asshole. I'm just an asshole because I didn't think of it, not because I tried to steal him your thunder. That being said, it was an Escalade. The Uber was an Escalade. We spent $95.

It took up an entire city block. I requested two drivers. I don't know why, but I wanted two Uber Xs in the front. He's one needs to go to sleep. He let one go to sleep. I requested an Uber co-pilot. A human navigator. Just to fuck with the radio

because I didn't trust Uber number one to do it. I bring my own DJ everywhere I go. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself

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Um, yeah. That was good. That was nice. That was nice. That was our first. So, so far, we've given two pieces of... Decide if you want your shirt on or off. I can't take it off.

It's his only shirt, so it's half on. I'm wearing a plaid button-up shirt. I tried to take it off, but the microphone is so close. He looks like a cold grandmother. Do you have tissues rolled up in the sleeves of it, too? I'm a babushka of myself. Just a tiny wad of tissues. Now you're trying to take it off.

This is amazing. Oh, God. This is going to count as the break. The grossest thing about getting old is having one tissue throughout the course of a day. You know what I mean? Why is that such a thing? Just one crumpled tissue.

I went to an old folks' home yesterday. Wow. How nice. Oh, yeah. You don't know what I'm about to say next. Oh, God. I tried to set fire to the place. It's a hell on earth.

Oh, my God. I never... I want to die so young. Oh, you're getting there, dude. He's definitely getting there. Promise me, man. Playa foe, Eva. Is that why you're doing everything you're doing? Huh?

You're doing everything you're doing now because you're... Better to burn out than fade away? Yeah. No, I don't think about being old at all. I'm doing everything because I don't think about consequences, I think. All right. Jeez. Sorry.

It's definitely not because I know I'm going to get old and I'm like, oh, I want to die. No. Although, if we are taking your heartbreak now, I thought it would be funny if you talked about your... you trying to get a credit card. Oh, my God. What? So this is how we take breaks now? Just like...

Yeah, you guys have a conversation stuff. You surprised me with something embarrassing? Yeah. What if I didn't want to? Sure, you do. You've never turned down anything. You're on a stave. Yeah.

You... I just see... Yeah, I know you love talking about yourself. That's what it is. All right. I'll talk about getting a credit card. I applied for an Amex black card. I got approved.

It's too heavy for my wallet. That's the truth. It's pure platinum. It's crazy. Real panniers. They sent it to me in an Uber. What's it called when you undo a food tray? I have no idea.

What is that? The only card that comes in an Uber instead of a wallet. I got... All right. Here's where it all began. I never had a credit card because I thought that if I didn't ever use credit, I would just have good credit. Like, oh, I'll only ever use my debit card.

Only spending money that I have in the bank. And everybody would be like, oh, he's good with money. He's never spent anything he didn't have. But then someone told you need to establish credit? Yeah. Well, nobody told me until my landlord was like, you can't get this apartment. You have terrible credit. I was like, no, I don't even have credit.

I haven't started. He's like, no, your credit score is like 300. You have awful credit. I'm like, oh. So that was when I started applying for credit cards. Rejection. Rejection. No credit cards.

Finally, I got... Just like through my bank, I got like a $500... Bank of America. All right. We're nice. $500 limit. This is like the kitty. This is what they give to six graders.

This is what I got when I was 11 to teach them about allowance. This is my fucking dad's fault, that loser. He sent me to college with no credit card, no debit card, no fucking... Nothing except $40. But he sent you to college. Let's get that straight. That's not fair. I've never been blindsided by a fax so much.

That's not fair. I'm not quite sure why yet. It's not fair that you'd embarrass me like this. All right. I take it back on that front. The fax's over me in the same, bro. I'm sorry. I should have waited until after.

So you get this starter card, which is... You gotta be an asshole to your dad. You get a starter card that comes with a tricycle. Yeah. It's like half that, half Burger King kids' float card. After a couple false starts because I didn't know how to pay it. I built my credit enough to the point where I... It was like a learner's primitive card.

It was a piece of paper that says, please give this kid money if he needs it. My dad will get you back. Just like a necklace. Medical alert. So I got the credit card. I built my credit. Eventually, I started getting credit card offers in the mail. Yeah.

Nice. Swiping right. Swiping right. Swipe that right. You know what I'm saying? So then I was like, oh, I'm going to get an American Express because somebody told me there's like cool points and stuff. So I logged on and it was like...

Cool points and stuff. This is how bad I am with money. I get one card and one point. If you have the more points, when? So I logged on and they were like, you give us your information, we'll run your credit and see what you qualify for. And I qualified for some dope card and not reading anything. I was like, yeah, I want this card.

I bought it. It arrived. My first bill was due. It had a $500 annual fee. Which is, as your dad told you, way, way, way too much. There's credit cards that come with no fee at all. What color? Is it gold?

It's platinum. I'm a platinum man, not a platinum man. So like this thing came with me. I had like access to airport lounges. I had miles. I had like stuff that made you prefer hotels. Like I've never been to a Starwood hotel and I never... I'm sure you have.

You're just not gentlemen enough to notice. I think you probably have. Can I just get a card that gives me a free Starbucks coffee and a croissant every day? I don't need airport lounges. And I pronounce it croissant because I'm American. Can I have a croissant? Oh, God, that's so interesting. Just the iced coffee and a croissant.

Is your French character a Lisbon French character? It's a duck. Croissant? You know it's still an S, right? Croissant. I just... Croissant. Yeah, that was good.

Croissant. Still the Lisbon. The Lisbon. He's from Barcelona. Do you call American Express with your proverbial tail between your legs? I said hey. A man-child who can't afford to start. Well, they were very accommodating.

Of course, he's a man of comedy. He's a professional. Quite intended. And nothing else. And actually, we rehearsed this bit before, so I nailed my lines just there. And I said, they have a 24-hour concierge. You know, that comes with the platinum card. Although it's about to go away when you change your status at the end of the skull.

So I said, hi, I didn't know there was a fee. I can't afford this fee. This is the equivalent of checking into a fancy hotel, walking down to the fancy French... The concierge, like, ringing the bells. Like, excuse me, sir. I can't afford to stay here. Can you recommend to me a Motel 8? As I leave.

Please know I've taken the soap. For they'll leave the light on for me. So what does this concierge do? We're just going to take some of these complimentary cookies you have. Sir, you can't have the cookies. Very well. No dessert for me then. I hate myself.

So yeah, I called. What does that have to concierge treat you? Very, very nice, very professionally. She said, you know what, I think you want our starter card. So I got downgrade. It comes with a blockbuster media membership. I got downgraded to the green card. It still has 24-hour concierge, I believe.

But free onion rings every time you get a burger, it's not it. No, that green card is good, because it's not much of an annual fee. 95 bucks. More than anything, I just felt dumb for getting a card with a $500. I wouldn't pay it because I just felt so stupid. But how else are you supposed to know this stuff? Other than by doing it and failing? Yeah, I guess now I know if I ever have a kid and they're like,

hey dad, can I have a credit card? Fine, get one without a fee, which is what my dad said to me. I'm sure that's what he said to you. Also, there are commercials and internet and all kinds of things. Yeah, you know, I did a lot of research and the thing is, fees never occurred to me. I was like, all the credit cards lined up against each other. I was like, oh, this one's the most sick.

I feel like we should both be there when he picks a health care plan. Well, the cheapest one, I don't want to spend too much money. Oh, my neck really hurts. That is what I did with health care, actually, I did the same exact thing. Well, you did the cheapest or most expensive? Cheapest. Well, that's not them. What you should have done was what you did with the Amix was pay the most

and get the most coverage. Right, I just did the reverse. Yeah. I basically, as a rule, I never do the right thing. Somehow it's the same concierge. Excuse me, man. That's the same butler at the hotel too. All right, should we?

My life coach. Should we get down to the one or two more questions? Yeah. This one comes from another dude. We'll call him Sultan. Sultan. Sultan writes, hey dudes, I'm a senior in high school and I'm not very good with chicks. Really wish I said Iago.

Go on. I was texting a girl the other night and eventually it got to 3 a.m. This is when the text really started heating up. We were talking about life and whatnot and it eventually came out that she had done weed. This totally shocked me because I never expected this in a million years. This is my first run-in with a person doing drugs and I'm not really sure what to think. I don't know what I should be doing here. I mean, it's just so weird and new to me.

Should I be freaking out about it this much? Okay. Or am I a square? I've had a crush on this girl for quite some time. Please help me. Ramiro, did you write this? Yes. Look, look, look.

This is the most... We got a lot of silly emails, but this is the first time weeds ever come up, okay? So what should he do? Let's try to treat this a little delicately. All right. I'm sorry. I'm trying to answer Amir's question. Maybe shut up.

Absolutely not. Set up a place in time to meet and alert the local law enforcement that this drug pin is going to be arriving at this... It's a sting operation. An absolute sting. She deserves the biggest sting. Maybe you're a local narcotics unit. I think they'll outfit you with a wire and maybe a piece.

A piece that you can have some of it, but then also shoot someone with it. Then you meet her behind the roller skating rink or ice rink, whichever one you say. You say, hey, ma'am, are you doing weed? She'll say no, because obviously she fucking realizes something's up. Then she says, are you wearing a wire? And you're like, oh, fuck. I'm had. I'm had.

Mayday, mayday. She's like, are you wearing a fucking wire? You struggle to take the piece out of your ankle bracelet that they gave you. You do seven warning shots just to make sure you know how to fucking use the gas. One ricochets off a light, clips you in the neck. You fall down. Say, am I a fucking goner? Am I a fucking goner?

Cut to hospital three weeks later. You're on medical marijuana versus severe trauma. They're pumping you full of the juice. The THC. You're doing weed on the rag against your will. Keeping you medicated so you don't get too sharp. Find out this underground weed operation. Your eye is a knife.

You come to and see this apparition, this backlit silhouette ghost flipping a coin in the hallway. You hear her laughing and you know it's her. She had won. She won the entire time. The sting operation was on you. She's walked inside to inject poison into your IV. And that's it. Let the lights fade.

And that's what you get for texting a weeder. This girl's an absolute weed smith. No, wait a second. Okay, wait a second. I, when I have a common with this person, this sultan. This sultan of pot. This sultan of pot. Is that I too was very judgmental of things that I hadn't tried yet.

I think that's very common. In high school too? Yeah. High school no weed? High school, high school no weed. And I was very judgmental of anyone who had tried it or did anything first. Like always a little bit judgmental. You're a skeptic.

Yeah, I was a skeptic. And I also like that I had labeled that as bad in my own judgment system. So it takes a second. You kind of have to realize that they're not bad for doing it. And then eventually you'll be doing it. And that just try to take the judgment away from it because it doesn't mean that she's a bad person. She's just trying something.

That was so goddamn sincere. Dammit. No, it's real. I can't follow up. It's perfect. No, because I got, he's so worried. He's like maybe thinking I'm not liking her anymore. I swear to God, that's going to be the smartest, nicest thing anyone's ever said on this podcast.

Well, I really feel for him because I feel like that's a tough situation. Don't let it tarnish your feelings about her. Well, this is the problem with having Allison on the show. She makes it better. And then when she leaves, all of a sudden 98% of our episodes are bad. No, no, no, don't get me wrong. This girl's a stone cold criminal. She's breaking the law unless she has a prescription.

Listen, a state where it's legal. So she should absolutely still go to jail. Yeah. We traced your IP address. We learned the local authorities. And actually, if you hear, holy shit. That's them at the door now. Why are they here?

Why'd they hit our address? How did she hit them live? I'm trying to convince him that knock is coming from his house. This is a bit just for him. He threw the knock sound. Just for him. Yeah. Just for Sultan.

Yeah, what can we possibly do? I mean, nothing except maybe review. No, I feel like I ruined it. Do you want to review Allison's advice? It was perfect. It was sort of self-aware and self-deprecating at first, which was saying, I used to be like this, so it's coming from a really honest place, which is like, he's in tune with it. He's going to appreciate this advice.

It's going to affect him. And then she said, you can't judge people for something that you haven't tried yet. Right? I mean, shit. No, she said it so much better than I did. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. It's really perfect. You can't judge a murderer because you haven't murdered someone, right?

Right. Until you've done it. You don't know what that thrill feels like. Oh my God. She's walking on. She's walking on. She's walking on. She's on me.

Accreting to Dexter. That's true. I'm staring directly into Amir's eyes. Oh, directly to my soul, actually. So, I mean, I was the same way when my friends were doing weed in high school. I was like, whoa, this is pretty bad. This is pretty illegal. When they were doing meth in high school, same thing.

Yeah. I was really judgmental. Even worse. Doing heroin. I was so naive. Like, I remember, like, I, in seventh grade, I didn't like know what the hell was going. I was like playing video games with my friends. I wasn't doing anything.

Even in ninth grade, like, I'd never even seen alcohol until 10th or 11th grade. I think I remember the first time I did weed. It was like a surprise. My friend Tom, I was like 14. My friend Tom was like, come over. I have a surprise for you. I was like, I wonder what it is. I hope it's not smoking weed.

I don't want to do that. And I knew that I didn't want to smoke weed, but I got there. Sure enough, he had weed. And he's like, we're smoking weed. And I'm like, okay, Tom. That's so stressful. That's the kind of thing that would never happen in adulthood. Like, what a weird scenario.

Imagine if one of your adult friends did that to you. I was surprised. So how was it? And you're going to get fucked up. That's the surprise. Your afternoon is going to be different now. I'm going to go home. It was, I mean, I tried to, the first time I smoked,

I tried not to inhale because I like didn't want to get high. And I was nervous, but like, I just, I did anyway. And I had a really good time. And then I was like, oh, okay. I'll do this occasionally. And that was it. You're a weed doer. Yeah.

Oh my God. I love that this emerged at like three in the morning. I can't get that part out of my head. Oh yeah. I wonder if she's like upset about it. You don't, you don't understand. You don't know me. Okay.

You wouldn't want to be texting me at three a.m. If you knew. I'm bad news. Stay away from me. Save yourself. I do weed. I've done weed. Just the one time against my will.

My friend texted me and said, I'm going to get you fucked up. I have a surprise for you. I show up. Jake's there. High as a kite. I'm there with a crushed up Coke can with needles poked. Needle holes poked in it. Did you ever smoke out of a Coke can?

No. No. I've never smoked out of anything, but what's the thing called? What are you? Oh no. You're a little, you're a bigger loser than this tool. You guys belong to each other. Dude, you know, I got a one hit or a glass piece.

There you go. It is like, what, at what point does like the weed paraphernalia become uncool? Cause it's kind of cool to like know how to roll a joint. It's not that maybe it's cool to have a bowl. Although I see people rolling cigarettes and it seems like it's going to be cool. And then 10 minutes later when they're like sweating and swearing profusely, like struggling to get the tobacco in the paper. So that when they're like smoking a dingy little dangly cigarette that's falling apart

at their mouth. Like just buy a fucking cigarette, man. Yeah. It's weird that this many people smoke when you can just eat it. Wouldn't you just rather eat it? Eat the weed. It's a different kind of high. I mean like.

Leave me alone. Leave me alone. Dude, that's like eating is like a body high is more like a head high. You don't get it. He's experienced. He went to burning, man. Because when you eat the weed, it goes to your stomach and that's a body high. And when you smoke it, it goes to your brain.

Cause it's like science and there's different blood in your brain and your stomach. So the smoke rises into your brain. How are you guys making fun of me? You're the losers. You're the, you're the nerd. She just takes everyone's side. Losers win in the end. How do you not learn this?

She's pitting friend against friend. As Amir was telling his life history, I was in step with him every step of the way. Seventh grade video games. Straight Mario Kart and Donkey Kong. Nagano, the Olympics game. I played like crazy. I played that. I just played it stoned.

Why? It was significantly better. It wasn't. I was focused. I was seventh grade. I know I was like 1080 snowboarding. Oh yeah. 1080s guys.

Snowboard kids. Any snowboarding game was just like down. SSX tricky though. There were levels that were lonely. You know what I mean? You get lost in that snowy. SSX tricky is too tough. It really is.

What you want to be on is that snowboard kids right in 64. Also I got to say Shrek made a tight Xbox game. Did he? I never played that. Shrek was great. I think by the time Xbox came out, I had stopped playing video games. I hadn't. I'm a little younger, but still I was too old.

You're not. You're only like a year too younger than me. Yeah, I'm 29. I'm kidding. I'm 25. I'm 50. I'm 50 years old and I played. Oh, you're 25?

Yeah. That is younger than I thought. How old are you? 40. That's older than I thought. Well, I'm Lucifer. I'm older than time itself. That's true.

I'm 28. Yep. I'm also late 20s, early 30s-ish. You're 30 on the dot. I'm late lately. That's not how age works. You can just say it. You're not someone else describing you.

I'm between 28 and 32. Yeah, I guess. I'm in between 25 and 30. And I've never done a weed. Never done a weed. I don't have to do a weed because I'm too young and hip. What are your tender age settings these days, Amir? Oh, well, I started with, I've been going all over the place.

I started with the Jake special, which is the 22 to 30. Then Jake was like, maybe you should narrow it down to people who are most likely to see you. So then I did like 28 to 32. Yeah, Amir wasn't matching. So we had to do some surgery on the profile. So you made it smaller. I feel like you should have learned that.

There was just too much volume, like where I think like a 22-year-old might not be swiping a 30-year-old. Yeah. But like a 26 to 30-year-old or 32-year-old is more likely to swipe someone. Then I hung out with my friend yesterday named Sean and he had a whole different tender approach that I don't even want to get into. But he's basically saying, open up the net. Cast the widest net possible because matches don't really matter.

Say 18 to 50 plus. Swipe away. Do crazy shit. And then, you know, basically, what's it called when you like drag a net across the bottom of the ocean and then lift it up and see if you caught anything? But then you have an unmanageable phone. Is there a name for that? Shrimp surfing.

Net dragging. Shrimping. Casting a wide net. That's what it is. But like, then you have like 300 matches on your phone. You're getting messages all day. You can't keep that up. You might as well just be alone on the dock and then you pull up a fish and you're like,

oh, this is great. Now this is my dinner. And you're both catching as many fish. Just he's also catching more filler. And I guess it's like nicer to be like, oh, this person thinks I'm attractive. Oh, this person thinks I'm attractive even though there's no way. I guess if you're using the app for validation and not. But that's why I bet a lot of people match and never start conversation because a lot

of people are just saying yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Right. Just like, oh, look how many matches I got. Now I feel good. Now I can go out to a bar and be confident. Exactly. Makes sense. One more question.

All right. Because we were running long. I don't really know when we started, but I want to soak in Allison's smartness before she has to leave us forever. Allison's dying. All right. Talk after. Let me see.

Yeah, this one's another dude. Yago. Yago. Jasmine. Jasmine. Jasmine's twin brother. Jasmine. Jasmine.

Jasmine, right? Hey, dudes. I have a girlfriend and I feel really guilty about it. Hey, dude. Hey, dude. Hey, dude. Hey, dude. Hey, dude.

Hey, dude. Hey, Dude. Hey, dude. Hey, dude. Hey, dude. Hey, dude. Hey, dude. Hey, dude.

Hey, dude. Hey, dude. Hey, dude. Hey, dude. Hey, dude. Hey, dude. Hey, dude. Hey, dude.

Hey, dude. Hey, dude. Hey, dude. Hey, dude. Hey, dude. Hey, dude. But I think I'd feel pretty uncomfortable if she was looking at porn. Like I wasn't enough for her or something?

I've tried to stop a few times, but I don't know if you've ever tried. It's really hard to do. And it only ever lasts for a few weeks, max for me. I don't think my porn habits are that different from most other people, but it kind of sounds like me and all my friends have a porn addiction, which is a thing apparently. So should I chill out and carry on cranking? Or do you have any tips for cutting down on the right hand wrist exercises? Thanks.

Jazz man. Jazz man. Awesome, we forgot about Abu. Oh no. Abu Nazir. For the first half of that season it's all I thought about, I'm not going to lie. Yeah, it's weird. Abu was like, now it's switched to homeland for me.

Okay. Well. What are her initial thoughts on this? It's so crazy how embarrassed the boys are about this. And it is common. She's right. It's like, we get a lot of questions that are about like, I don't want anyone to know I look at porn.

And who are these girlfriends that are psycho to be like, you can't look at porn. Well, no, it's just because they don't understand it. Right. It has to be because they haven't, you have to educate ladies because I know girls listen to this. You have to educate yourselves and just take a look around and see what it is they're looking at. Once you look, you're not going to be threatened.

There's no way you can produce that experience for them. So just let them have that and let them have the real thing that's more meaningful and emotional. That's the thing. But a lot of guys don't even want that experience. It's just like masturbating and sex are so different, at least to me, that like things that happen when I masturbate that I want to see, I definitely don't want to have sex that way.

I wouldn't want somebody that I loved and respected to. Yeah. You can tell the very specific situation, swallow a squid hole, do a handstand and ride a tricycle. That's happened. That was that burning, man. That was the burn. I can't even think of anything.

Octopus porn. So you're not threatened by porn? No. Well, only because I know that it's like... Only because I know I would never be with someone that looks like it. Only because I have such tight controls on his internet that even when he does private browsing, I know exactly who he's looking at. Let me look at my iPhone.

It's mirroring his laptop. It's a shared screen on every device. Oh, God. We share every user. It records to a drop box and I go home and watch everything. I think it's fine, although I think guys, especially when they're starting out their sexual experiences have to be careful and pace themselves because otherwise you get sensitized to that multiple tab, something always happening, porn viewing experience,

which is sensory overloads that when it comes time for the real thing, you're not going to be able to focus on just one experience by itself. I feel like you won't be very present. That's true. I feel like they've done studies on that, right? Like the way people watch porn. It's crazy. I didn't realize there were tabs.

Oh, man. I mean, when I watch porn, it's like 20 tabs. It's insane. I cannot... That is so unfemale. That is the least female thing in the world, I think, if I can make a general statement about all women, which usually goes well for people when you make a statement on behalf of all women.

You can do it more than we can. So let's hear it. Yeah, no. It's that I think we like to focus on things, even though traditionally we're better at multitasking. We're too smart to think we'd be able to absorb anything in 20 tabs. Right. So we'd never do that.

Yeah, we're definitely dumb because I'll load so many tabs of porn that the porn isn't even loading quickly. So like, how am I getting off? It's just like scrolling little bars of like nothing frozen. So it turns out you don't need it at all anyway. You just need to be sitting in a chair looking at a blank screen. Right. All you need to do is to be alone, I guess.

Or you need to upgrade your internet connection. I mean, Verizon Fios offers this Quanta package with 15 megabits. Trust me, I have a Fios. I'm a huge Fios fan. I have Fios. This is the Fios Trios right here. Well, the fast thing you can do is to download all the videos that you like and sort of just scroll through, pressing the space bar that'll automatically load a video like really quick.

You're like an online poker player that's like multi-tabling eight games going on at the same exact time. It doesn't really make any video. Right, except I'm not making any money. Right. It's a total waste of your talent. I would say to this guy that it's totally fine. Don't be threatened by the fact that you're drawn to do it.

And also don't try to quit it and then feel weird about like straining against doing it again. Don't fight your urges. And not to not like put your stigma on poor on her where he's like, she shouldn't watch porn. Am I not not? Am I not enough for her? No, yeah.

That's the same thing you want her to escape. Yeah. Well, that's what he was saying. He's saying because I look at her that way, then I know how she must feel about me. So yeah. But you don't know if that's how she feels. Do girls look at porn? Yeah.

I would definitely not as often, but they they've looked at it before and you know. Nobody's seen porn. Everyone has a different thing. Absolutely. You don't look at it anymore. I have male friends who have like stopped. I quit porn before like there was one time that I started just masturbating to one specific porn star to mimic what it would be like to have a girlfriend.

That is the saddest thing. Oh, that's the loneliest thing I've ever heard. It hurts that both of you guys had that reaction. Oh gosh. Yeah. That smarts a little bit. Really sorry. Then I paid her to pretend to be my wife for a couple months as a featured actress in

the movie. I had a little dress on my laptop and I would sort of watch the porn and cook an omelet next to it. We had a lovely Christmas. I bought her presents, put them under the tree. I bought my MacBook a present. I got damn necklace. I would load this animated GIF of her on a webcam and I would eat soup next to it and

I would ask it about its day and she wouldn't reply because you know it's a pre-taped GIF. But I liked it. It made it seem like I was having soup with a loved one. And then one day I just I got weak. I opened up another tab and I confessed, you know, teary-eyed. Listen baby, I've been seeing another porn. I opened the tab. Furthermore, I did weed not one day ago.

And I have no hair on my nuts. Or area anywhere near them. Oh, I had a question that came to me after that. Where does the waxing or the hairlessness begin? Because guys have stomach hair. Yeah. Like oh my God. Where does it end?

Like a foggy window that you would clean. A foggy window. Where's the top of it? Oh God, that's so sad. It probably stops at his happy trail because now it's a sad trail. It's a trail of tears. Oh God. That's progress.

That's history. A trail of fears. And my biggest fear is not having any hair down there. I'm Sandy Kenyon. What? I'm Casey Kasim. And I'm having an aneurysm. I'm Casey Kasim.

And I'm having an aneurysm. Was Sandy Kasim? Was that Casey Kasim? Was that Casey Kasim? He's a movie reviewer on Taxi TV and he always answers these reviews with a weird pun. And this movie gave me a rush. I'm Sandy Kenyon. That was him reviewing 12 Days of Slave.

That's why it didn't really make sense. 12 Days of Slave. 12 Years of Slave. 12 Days. Yeah, Days wouldn't really be. 12 Days of Slave. It wasn't even that bad. No, it's years.

So many people are making that mistake though and it's very different. Really undercuts it. As different as it gets. 12 Days. That sounds... I feel like we could raise the stakes here. We could change 12 months maybe. I don't know.

You'd understand. 12 Minutes of Indentured Servitude. I don't know. Do you guys think this movie has legs? 12 Seconds of Being Ball and Chain to One Porn Star Online. Mercy. We did it. Our longest episode yet.

No way. We deserve it. I'm so sorry. No, it's good. People like it. You guys avoided it all. No. We especially like it.

Well, we wanted to, you know, harness your brain power for as long as we had you. Sad you guys are leaving. I know. You'll never be in Los Angeles, right? That's not where actresses go. Yeah, exactly. Actors, actually. Is that true?

If you're serious about your craft, you take the gender away from it. Ooh. So you never call yourself an actress? No, I do. Because I'm not serious about my craft. I don't care about it at all. What gave you that impression that I walked in here with a comedy and a drama mask? It's not that kind of podcast.

She quietly put it away. She's wearing pantaloons and quoting Shakespeare. She actually attached a beard onto both of them and shoved them down her pants like some sort of happy, sad, merkin face thing. Relic. Relic. Anything you want to plug before you go? More people listen to the show now than when you're first on.

So this might actually make a blip on the radio. I would say watch Girls on HBO. Catch up on the last two seasons and the season three premieres January 12th. And it will answer a lot of your questions. I feel like we tackle a lot of the stuff that comes up on this podcast in our show. Also, we should do a podcast for the show. Is that crazy to suggest? Like, what do you mean?

We'll just do it. Can we go on HBO? Is that where I had a feeling that's where you were headed? A tit for tit exchange would be me and Jake having maybe a B story arc, a multi-episode. Two characters have a podcast that that Lena Dunham is on. Oh, God, I'd love to talk to line her. Just butchered. Lean, huh?

So it'll be me, Jake, Adrian Gringer and Liner Dunham. Jude Apatop. Jude Apatop. Certainly, you have a line in to Lena and we could get this ball rolling on. That being said, I do have seven scripts to pitch to her. Oh, God. So, yes, Watch Girls season three, January 12th, January 12th. Is there going to be a season four?

I hope so. We'll find out after it airs. Ooh, spoiler alert. Yeah, cliffhanger. Spoiler alert. We don't have the spoiler. Cool. Thanks so much for coming on our show.

Thanks for having me, guys. So fun. It's always fun when you're around. Oh, you're not too bad. You're not too bad yourself. I intercepted that comment. And every show of telling Jake that it's always fun when you're around. And I ask you to please stop.

And that's it. Thank you. And I tip my cap to the. He's wearing a cap, too. A special guest. The smallest cap I've ever seen. That first. It's a murk in on his head.

We I don't know if we even we got derailed at the beginning there, but the email to if you are in your own difficult place, your own sticky situation, your own little how it was the third thing snafu snafu. And you need our advice. Alison won't be here, but we'll we'll do our best. That email address. Depending how long it takes us to respond to the email,

maybe she will be back. Maybe she'll be back if I were you show at email dot com. She knows it. Boom. I was worried you weren't going to get back. Toadah toadah. Ah, yes. She did it. I got on the show as quickly as possible.

That first one was from first. Thief's song was from Red Bell Central. And this last one was from someone named Marlo Brandon. Keep those theme songs coming, guys. Toadah. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh