If I Were You - 482: Easy Poetry

Episode Date: April 5, 2021

In this episode we discuss immature boys, comfortable chairs, our next project.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a Head Gum Original. A guest dross was plugging his work and all of a sudden the sound was preserved. A mirror farted and the whole world heard it. On air so clear this fart is gonna linger forever and ever. This fart is gonna linger forever and ever. This fart is gonna linger. This fart is gonna linger forever and ever. That was an acoustic cover of Blink 1882's first date and it was about Fartgate.

A first date acoustic parody. Nothing to submit says Aaron Brown from Saskatchewan, Canada. But thanks for making this pandemic a little more tolerable. So there's that. I think that might be my favorite Blink 182 song. First date? Let's make this last forever. Dancing around drunk as heck with your friend's song.

Something we haven't done since the pandemic started. I'm glad it was born out of that. Right, definitely. Do you think where our bodies are becoming more depressed and slowed down because we haven't had that release in over a year and when it does happen, will it feel more powerful or are we just getting it in different ways? Like a slow drip when we exercise versus the dancing around drunk with a lot of people. Level of endorphins.

I don't know. I danced around with a lot of people when Biden won the election. There were some big park parties in New York City. I felt it a little bit, but it's not quite... You feel like you're doing something a little... I guess you were. I don't know. I'm excited for the carefree group hugging dancing thing.

You still never get the real rush because even when you do it, you're a little stressed. You were a super spreader that day, weren't you? You got over 7,000 people infected, traced back to your... You were doing this fake cough thing which actually got 30 people which eventually translated to 7,000 people. So what I had when I went to the election parties was just mild symptoms and I thought that was going to be fine on the day. Just fever, chills, coughing, aching.

I'm reading now, you have your own variant. That's so cool. It's called B182. I guess it's named after your favorite band. That's awesome, dude. Let's make it last forever. Yeah, it is going to last forever. It's not effective against any vaccine, holy shit.

What did you do? How did you do this? Your body is some sort of lab or something. It's almost like you did this on purpose. Yeah, I am the super spreader. You got two different kinds. That's good. You're proud of it though, right?

A little bit because you're infamous in a way. That's pretty cool. The anti-hero, the Walter White of the virus. Yeah, the anti-body, the anti-hero. You are everything we needed to avoid and it's all inside you and it's never going away. It will last forever. And ever.

All right, this is, if I were you, an advice podcast that we got to keep churning out. The light is at the end of the tunnel. We're getting there week by week, piece by piece. We still haven't missed a week in... God, it'll almost be eight years next month. Not bad. Not bad.

We started May 2013 and so has... It's almost May 2021. It hasn't lasted longer than the web series lasted, right? The web series was 10 years or was the web series eight years also? The web series, yeah, I think it was 2006 to 2014 or 2015. It's almost the same. Wow, that's crazy. It'd be cool to let every eight years we stop and pivot

to something a little bit different. We did Jake and Amir for eight or nine, then the podcast for eight or nine, and I don't know what's the next iteration, from video to audio to maybe like... Written word. Oh, that's cool. You and I should make a graphic comic.

Oh, yeah. Poems, even better. We won't have to be funny. Because we would just have to... Poems are easier if you don't have to be like fucking funny. Then it's just like about fucking water, trees, light, people. How do you... Moments.

Yeah. How do you write a poem? It's fucking simple. You do this setting. You say, okay, fucking... By the pond, I sat in the grass. By the pond, I sat in the grass. So by the pond, new line, I sat in the grass.

Yeah. Don't you... Yeah, I'm not asking you to write a poem now. Well, I don't... Yeah, you don't have to. It's not that hard. That's what I'm saying. It's not that hard.

By the pond, I sat in the grass, and then you like... And then what were you doing? Obviously... They usually come from like a more organic, beautiful... It doesn't have to. Yours is like... That's what I'm saying. Weird.

By the pond, I sat in the grass. I had a moment of wonder, okay? You're just trying to... The duck... Then you fucking describe shit. Hold on. Hold on. Then you had describe shit that was there.

The duck on the surface. The frog on the fucking... Is this something you need to say? Is this something you're urging people to get off their chest? Like what's the purpose behind this poem? You don't know why you're writing it. The frog on the lily pad. The moment a leap...

A leap of faith. Okay. Because the frog is leaping. That's actually pretty cool. A leap of faith. The mallard takes flight. Mallard. And I...

That's a duck. The duck. You can't say the same word twice. That's a weird rule. And I, drawing my breath, wish to do the same. Pretty fucking... That... I know you were kidding.

Like I'm getting kind of choked up thinking about that. So that's like a pretty good poem actually. Is that bad? Is that bad? I wonder if you can like... If we can monetize that in a way where it's like... Being self-sustainable because you sort of farted it out but it was kind of beautiful towards the end. The way the duck was there too was interesting.

Right. And the duck became a mallard. That's the most important part. And then you find your place in this moment by the plan. Your moment in the universe shared with the animals, with the sun. That's cool. This one time and that can connect with multitudes. Anybody that wants to believe in beauty and chance and wonder on an amazement.

Just to bask. Just to bask in the possibility, the potential. Yeah, you can monetize that. You can monetize that. You can have a sub-stack and you could subscribe to my fucking poetry. And what about... Because... Spoken word.

Like if you want to almost like... If we wanted to tour with it, I'm wondering if we can do like this moth type thing. Because like... Right. That was really dope the way you said it too in addition to having to write it. And it didn't even rhyme which is usually the hardest part. Right. If it doesn't have to rhyme and it doesn't have to be funny and it's just...

Then you just have to say fucking like the right words and kind of like... Do you have to say it like with conviction or anything? Or can you just sort of like question yourself as you talk it? Conviction is ideal, but that's not hard as long as the words are written and you have them like committed to your memory. You know? Interesting. It's just like... And there's not even a beat that you have to say it on.

It's just like... It's easier than music. Yeah, because you don't have to sing it. It's easier than music. It's easier than... It's completely simple. It's barely hard, man. It's what?

It's barely hard, man. I can do it because I can do it. I just came up with... I mean like... What do you call that one? That was really good. What do you call that one? I guess I would call it the mallard.

I would call it the mallard takes flight. Would you say? Would you say the mallard takes flight? I would say tadpole on a lily pad. Really? Yeah, and then with no punctuation in it would be kind of interesting to read. But it was a frog on the lily pad. I know, which is like then people...

Because a lot of times, stupid people read poems and they have to analyze it and they're like, why does that... Yeah, so you have to leave those fucking idiots confused at the end otherwise they have nothing to talk about. Right. They have to have some kind of thread to follow, some kind of set-in clue that will make them be like, I think I understand the meaning behind this poem. And then keep in mind there's also every single...

It's the same line. It's the same morons. It's the words of a capital. Exactly. Like capital word to start a line. And they don't get it. But then every once in a while you won't do it. Exactly.

I was going to say it's the same morons that listen to podcasts. They're just like, not obviously no offense, but these dumbasses who don't have any smart ideas in their own head have to listen to us, sort of make them laugh as an escape for an hour a week. We don't have to listen to podcasts because we are us, right? So it's the same thing with the poems. We make each other laugh and we make each other cry with wonder and beauty when we say homes to each other.

Exactly. And I don't even listen to music now because when I need to hear something I call you and you'll hum a tune. Right. And when I need to feel something, like I haven't cried in 20 years, but when you read that poem to me about the lily pad, the tadpole on the lily pad, I'm getting legit like a little bit choked up about it, actually, in a way. Really?

Yeah. Wow. Yeah. The tadpole on the lily pad? Yeah. Was that what it was? You came up with the title. I think you needed to cry.

Fuck, man. That's like, have you ever read a poem that was like super short and you're like, that was awesome because I already completed it? Yeah. Like, it's just like so beautiful because it happened quickly. Yeah. Exactly. And then you're like, I'm into poetry.

That's like a sentence that says like, rainy day laundry on a white t-shirt, every day goes by and I'm feeling fine or some shit like that. Yeah. I read a poem. That's fucking beautiful. Really? That's fucking beautiful. Rainy day laundry on a wet t-shirt?

I was thinking about wet t-shirt contests and how they're kind of low-key hot. And then I was thinking like that, it's kind of funny to like dry your laundry like that. Like if I call it something different, like superstitious day or something like that, people would have to, these morons who are listening now would have to analyze it. We should make a book of two poems, a brochure called Two Poems and it's a pamphlet. It's the size of a fortune cookie fortune and it cost a thousand ether. That's a good idea. Yeah.

It's an NFT that I mentioned that. That's a good idea. And it's actually non-fungible, okay? That's actually really good because my hands are, I don't know if I told you this, my hands are shrinking so like I feel like I'm dying so it's like important for me to try to find different, like look at the size of that. You see that? Oh no.

Half the size. It's a doll hand. Oh my God. Right? That is crazy. Yeah. And it's getting smaller and smaller and moisture and moisture to the point where like I feel like the end of it is going to be this, a sponge the size of a tic-tac, a peach, a peach

colored tic-tac. Your sleeves look really long on you. My sleeves, yeah, my sleeves tighten up at the end. They're sort of cuffed and they're greasy because they like end at a point. How did your teeth get so thin? My teeth are thinning out. So yeah. They look like little needles.

They're starting to rotate. So these are all just them sideways, yeah. So that's icy. Wow. See how they like big and flat, right? 90 degrees. Oh my God. They're rotating on me.

They're like, that is starting to like decide. They're like moving out in the middle of the night, but like over the course. You know I'm 4'6 now? No way. Yeah. It's weird because I feel like we haven't seen our friends in like a long time. Like on Zoom, your face, aside from the teeth, looks relatively, yeah, similar. Looks normal.

So it's weird to see your hands and to know your height. My hands are greasened and my height has smalled. So like. That's interesting. Yeah. That's interesting. But I digress is sort of like the name of my autobiography. I'm actually digressing.

I feel like a fifth grader again. Yeah. Wow. Well, let's, we should publish this actually. If we get the, if we can get this on the printing press, then we wait till you are dead, post posthumously, posthumously published. Posthumously. Like I would actually be able, yeah, I'd be able to really rake in the cash in that regard

because you're, because you've passed and you'd be so sad that I died, you wouldn't feel even comfortable doing that, I feel like. Well, I, but I would make a lot of money for your estate, which I think would be. My estate. Would be ultimately. Yeah. But I think then if you, I mean, that's what I would be like, if you don't have an estate, then I would be kind of controlling your estate.

I'm like, thankfully that's not happening anytime soon. Or else you'd be so depressed, you wouldn't be able to do the show if you knew that I was dying. I feel like. You just told me you were dying and I'm almost, I'm almost giddy with the idea that I could get rich. You seem geeked up. You seem geeked up, but I feel like it's this weird way that you cope.

I'm a little cheesed. I'm pleased and I'm happy that with your death, I would profit. It's kind of fascinating. Is this you? You texted me LOL, I can't believe it. He's almost gone. Who did you mean to text that to? I meant to.

Oh, I was texting that to Avi Tall. The A's in my phone or? Yeah. I don't have a lot of A's. I guess I don't have a lot of A's. I feel like you're coping in a bizarre fashion. The way you're handling the news, it's almost like you said that you're feeling giddy with it.

I'm glad I already wrote my poem because I feel like right now I couldn't really go to a place of any kind of sadness or darkness. So it'd be like, yeah. Well, thank you. It's all just so positive. I know about my hands. Nobody wants like cheerful poetry. Think about my hands and my teeth.

I am. I am. Look how small they are. They can fit. They slide right in between my teeth like that. Can you see that? They're in between my teeth. They're thinner than that.

They're so slender. How small is that? They're so slender. It's crazy. Like I tell people, you know the shh, where you put your little index finger and my index finger fits between my two front now slendered, signed teeth. That is insane. I have baby teeth again.

You do. Yeah. You don't just digress. You regress. Yes. Yes, I regressed. I regressed with a mean and you're being mean to me, actually, talking about how you're going to profit off of it.

Now I'm like, now I feel like I have the will to go on. Really? Yeah. Now I'm going to sort of prove the haters wrong. You might have the will, but you don't have the power. I don't think so. I don't think so. You're shrinking even as we're on the Zoom.

Look at you. You're shortening. I'm far from the mic is all. You're too far from the mic. Your voice is getting small. You're fading away. I came into the show. I'm smalled.

Well, hold on, because we have some advertisers, so. So you need to do, we need to do the ads, right? I wouldn't die. I don't want you, I don't want anything to happen to you. I'd really hate if anything happened to you before we read the advertisements. You'd hate for anything to happen to me. That'd be a real fucking god. That would be really, that'd be a tragedy.

It would. If you died before we were able to do the ads. Don't say before, because then it goes off into this weird fucking capitalist weird shit that you have where you're like, I'm concerned about money. Buddy, I don't want you. I don't want you to die because you don't want me to die, period. Before we do the ads. Don't keep talking.

I don't. Before the ads, after the ads, it would be sad if I was gone. I do not want you to die period, like unless we've done, I'm saying unless we've completed trying not to say it all in one cent, because I'm going to try to edit it to be a little nicer to you. Otherwise people will hate on you. So don't say it all like on top of each other. Can we get one where you at least take a beat before the end of your sentence?

Right. I, I just want to make sure that we record all the ads before you did. Say it the way you were saying it before with a pause in between before the ad break. I don't, I don't want anything to happen to happen to the ads. All right. I think I can, uh, fashion, I think I could fashion something with that. Thank you. I think, I mean, if you're directing me to say it the way I said it before, then you

should be good. And I appreciate that actually. And thank you for that. I do, I do appreciate you looking out for me. And that's kind of like the few things I have going for me now. That's the, that's the shit that makes me feel tall again. And I can honestly start to feel my teeth rotating back to their current position and my hands getting bigger with as my heart will, oh my God, you're closer to death than

I thought. You can control your teeth like a muscle. That's right. I can move up and down, adjust my size like a standing desk. How dope is that? Insane. All right. Let, let us actually take a break.

Let us actually thanks the sponsors. And then when we get back from that break, we should, we really need to answer some questions. I mean, that's right. That's right. Come on people. Thank you to stamps.com for sponsoring this episode of our show. Visiting the post office and dealing with shipping and handling is probably one of the most stressful parts of owning a business.

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That sounds pretty good. Thank you stamps.com for sponsoring this show. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network. Jake, wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is.

Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah, for me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow.

We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great. Really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool.

So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife.

And you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant.

It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family

in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something that could be funny. Yeah, like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as

your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah, it's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the Perfect Father's Day gift and visit auraframes. That's A-U-R-A frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is.

Oh, wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's A-U-R-A frames.com. OK. Go get your parents something, all right?

And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a left-to-right device. Mom, I'm coming.

Gross. Not I, but I believe you have something. Yeah, I have a pretty niche one, because it kind of is the wave that I've been dealing with my busted dryer. So. Oh, yeah. My dryer, I think there's a clog in the vent for the air to leave my house, because. That's right.

The dryer like just steams up almost. And it's really hard to dry stuff fast. And I think I want to get someone here to look at it, but I kind of want to wait until the pandemic's over until it's safe, you know, to have somebody look at it. So for now, what I've been doing is drying my, like my thicker garments, my sweats, my sweatshirts, my towels and stuff. I've been drying that stuff outside. So like, I'll just leave it in the sun and within like 45 minutes, almost faster than

the dryer used to be. The stuff is dry. So that's like a pretty solid tip where it's like, this is how we used to do it. Then we brought it inside. My dryer's busted. Maybe yours is too. Yeah. I'm not even using a clothesline.

I'm just draping it over like gates, furniture, sort of making sure that the air and the sun can pass through. And it really, it makes it fresh because it's actually sun drying it. And it's, it's pretty fast as well. I mean, I, by the way, I really romanticize a clothesline. I would love, love to be using one. I do mostly hang dry now. I used to be a big dryer head.

Yeah. It ruins the structural integrity of the fabric, it seems. Yeah. You're, you're slowly kind of destroying your clothes over time, but it's kind of worth it for the convenience of, and it doesn't remain softer. Yeah. Yeah. That's a big issue.

That's a big issue. Yeah. That's what, and well, what sometimes what I do is I'll just hang dry something or like put it on a drying rack and then I'll do like a tumble. Like a, oh, at the end. Just to finish. Yeah. Just to soften it up.

Not like a dry, but more like, yeah. I think my dryer has a setting that's called like, um, touch up. That's what I do. Just sort of splash it around, you know? So you're letting air and like natural causes do the heavy lifting and then at the end of the day, you just, you put it in the dryer so it has that smell. You still have the feel of taking stuff out. Yeah.

I don't like a t-shirt to feel too like rigid. I don't like that at all. Yeah. Wrinkles are certainly a part of it, but with sweats and with towels, I don't quite mind as much. They're pretty flat. And what would you say that somebody that doesn't live in California does? Wow.

I didn't think about that. Sun drying. Yes. That's a really an option for me year round. Not year round. No. And like in the summer, you can also get caught in like one of those random flash floods. Like you guys used to have that, uh, clothesline in Nantucket.

Did you not? And it's like the summer way of drying clothes. And then it's like, oops. Oh yeah. Now they're all drenched in water now. That was, we mostly dry towels out on that thing. Right. So they can get wet and re-dry.

That's fine. Right. That's fine. Cause those, yeah, those get pretty crisp. You shake them out. But like towels are almost always made to be like beach towels anyway. There's like, they can be a little damp. Yeah.

That's okay. Cause if they're not a little damp, then they're like dry and kind of covered in sand. That's good. You often spent the entire summer yourself a little damp. So you were like moistened from, I want to say made it August almost usually. I was greased much like your little hands. You would shrunk and you'd become a moist man in the summer. So it's a little harder.

That's right. But you know, it's, it's warming up everywhere. So that's a tip for everywhere for the next few months. That's true. I think that drying outside in the sun and the wind, the wind, the air moving through the clothes, that really, that really does something too. That's key. Now, do you, now tell me, will you, after your, your dryer is fixed, will you continue

this practice? God no. As soon as my dryer is fixed, I'm saying, fuck you to the sun. I'm not spending any time out there anymore than I need to. And I am not going to fucking clothesline my, what is this, like fucking third world country? No, I'm using my dryer. I want clothesline.

Clotheslines are cool. I'm going to get a clothesline. For your, yeah. Can you do, you can't do that with a, like apartment, right? You can't just fucking hang it out of like the sixth story of an apartment building. Can you? They're like old, like school photos and stuff and like Europe, like clotheslines going between buildings.

Yeah. That's cool. That's kind of sick. I guess you could do that. Yeah. Can you, can you actually hold this clothesline, my underwear clothesline thing? Remember in Italy and like the seventies. Yeah.

Keep this one, keep this one on my side, pretty skin marked as it is. I tried my best. You throw your dirty under actually it might need one more load wash wise. Can you try this? It's just not, I feel like this is so skin marked that it needs to be run through the dishwasher and tumble dry, tumble dry high. Do you have any dawn? You can sort of squeeze through the fabric of this diarrhea stain, tidy, whitey that

I need a back soon. It's my only pair. And also, do you have any vaccines? I have a variant and it won't go away. I have a Bavarian. It's a variant from Bavaria. I've had a nose running situation for a year. Very good.

All right, you found some questions for us to answer. What do you think is the second best question you found? Probably the second one. OK. All right, this is a guy, a French man, it seems. Oh, he's French Canadian. OK, so Montreal will call this man. I don't know, who's the most famous person for Montreal?

Who's a French Canadian? Oh, Celine Dion, but, you know. Yeah, OK, Gaultier. Gaultier, Gaultier writes, I'm a 24 year old single Canadian. Probably. Why not? I'm a 24 year old guy living in the single life in Montréal with a sticky situation afoot due to obvious COVID related reasons. I'm sure he was late.

He's Belgian. Oh, whatever. Belgium is the French Canada of Canada. He says due to obvious COVID related reasons, I'm sure Amir will relate. I have suffered some relationship problems with my girlfriend, which led to us splitting up last October. The break was amicable enough and we have quite a good living situation. Although our apartment is quite small.

We're both waiting for July to move out. And in the meantime, I got to say the pandemic has gotten me quite lonely. And horny. So I drove headfirst into the dating game to get some much needed validation and perused for potential women to date. The only problem is I don't quite think through the dating process in regards to my current living situation. I'm a bit of an awkward guy and I'm afraid that bringing up that I live

with my ex could potentially ruin my chances with the ladies. Right. I know there are only a few months to go until I move out, but I'm in too deep with a few matches and I would like to know how to proceed. Should I be up front and explain my sitch, risking to be turned down? Or should I just never bring it up and cross my fingers that I don't have to talk about it? Please help a brother out. Oh, that's tough. Mm hmm. Yeah.

Is it a lie? It does feel like it's not a lie. It's not a it's but you I don't think you could do anything. I don't think you need to come clean and tell anyone you matched with that you live with your ex. You can just have a female roommate and no questions asked. But I think it's weird to invite people over with your ex there. Just I don't think that's on the table. Invite them over and play dumb if you see her.

Like just say she's not like who is that? Are you going to introduce me like I don't see anything, honey? She must be a ghost. OK, so it's not just playing dumb. It's playing like insane. You're pretending you don't see you pretend you don't see them. You pretend they're not a lie. It's not a lie. It's not like you could just pretend that you didn't date that person.

Holy shit. Oh, that's my room. Yeah, who is that? That's the lie. Yeah. Or who? Oh, my God, get out of my apartment. You know, this is a robber. It's a cat or they don't. And then you hope to God that she plays along or something. If she's a down overdoing the lie, you're over committing, you know, that's like that's taking it too far pretending that they're not a real person.

Yeah, or like they're a chair that became a woman that day or something insane like that. That's hardly. Yeah, I feel like. Yeah, doing something like that just begs more questions, doesn't it? Yeah, and then eventually it like turns it into a slapstick comedy where you're going to eventually be found out and then like insane a lot. You say like on your wedding day, I have something to admit the the chair that became a woman, right?

The chair that your dad is sitting in right now. Yeah, she's playing along. Two years later, this ex is a chair doing the horror. She's sitting on his back. All right, but you really owe me one for this. I had to be a chair all the way through your fucking wedding. You owe me. You have to set me up with one of your friends now.

Oh, shit, that chair is still talking. Wow. Yeah, I think. I think you just spend time hanging out with at the at the other person's place, you know? Why don't we ever see your place? Because I don't like my place is too small. You don't. Yeah, there's so many reasons. You said your place was small. You have a roommate.

Like my place is small and I have a roommate is plenty of reason to not hang out there. You don't have to say that they're your ex. You're not lying. Yeah, I just saying you have a roommate and your place is small and you don't feel like hanging out there. Or what about this? This is a slight slight embellishment, but kind of the truth.

You say, I think a chair is talking. I really do think that there's a chair in the house that's talking. No, not the chair. It's you say my fucking chair that's speaking. We can't hang out here. That's be perfect because then you'll never have a date again either. You say it's an old ex that's crashing with you due to unextenduating circumstances or something.

So it's like, I feel weird having you there. This chick that I dated five years ago is fucking living with me. That makes it almost seem weirder to me that your ex is like crashing with you. But you make it less recent. And so it doesn't feel like it's loaded and weird and still a situation that you're having to deal with. It's like my ex is staying with me because she broke up with her new boyfriend. And it's just this weird situation.

And I still love her and she's a fucking talking chair. If that matters to you, if that makes a difference, I wouldn't feel threatened because you're beautiful and and she is a talking folding chair. Is that insane? So you would hide it a little bit. I would hide it. I would hide it. I don't think that it's it's when you like our hang when you're like. It's just never a good look when you're like living with an ex.

It's or staying with an ex or still entwined with an ex. It really signals that you haven't moved on and you're not ready to date. Yeah, I also feel like you could easily blame covid. Like I live with two other people. One of them has a fucking cough. Yeah. And yeah, it's just weird right now. Don't do it. And like, yeah. I mean, like there's plenty of reasons to not hang out if you have a roommate.

Your roommate, regardless of the fact, if she's your ex or not, it might not be comfortable with you like dating people. So that's that's another factor. I think at this point, your matches that you've made on these apps. That has to just be a test run. It's got to you. You jumped the gun. You started searching too early.

You you're it sounds like you can really start earnestly dating in July. And you can chat on the apps till then. You actually sent me another email that says Ames in it. So we can do an easy chair transition here. What is this Ames question? Yes, it's about a chair. All right, we'll call this guy Freud because he spent his whole career in a chair. Nice.

I have a problem. I own an Ames Lounge or chair replica. It is very it is a very convincing replica. So don't shit on me. Here's the situation. The chair is very worn and I found it on the curb on garage day, like five years ago. It's been in storage ever since I'm finally getting an apartment and I think the chair would go very nicely and I decided to reupholster the chair.

Here's the problem. To reupholster the chair with leather will cost four hundred dollars in labor, but seven hundred dollars in material, bringing the price to eleven hundred dollars total. The upholsterer offered an alternative. I could go with fabric and save basically all the material cost. I spent a while looking at fabrics and none of them are nearly as nice as leather, but the cost saving is nice. I'm not rich, but my income is pretty much the national average.

So my question is, what would you do if you were me to spend on the leather or penny pinch on the fabric? P.S. I will attach a picture of the chair. Did he send? Would you see the chair? No, the the chair, the attachment didn't work. Please send it. OK, so Ames chair.

What's the deal here? Do you know about this Ames chair? It's like a famous style of chair. Yeah, it's the famous lounger. It's it's the Mad Men. It's the 60s chair. It's that like leather futuristic kind of like a wooded back. Yeah, and like an official Ames cost thousands of dollars, right?

Like they're really expensive. I think I yeah, I have no idea how much they even cost. I would I don't think the most pop when you search Ames chair, the most popular thing that comes up is replica. Right. It looks like the new one is like $6000 and you can get the you can get a knock off or a replica for like 1500. Yeah.

And can you tell the difference between the like, is it like yeah, I can you when you sit in it, you know, or like it's pretty much the same thing. I think they look the exact same. I think they feel pretty similar. And I don't I know that I've sat in a replica before and it didn't go back. Like this these things go back kind of like a lazy boy. They like recline further. And they're I don't know if every single replica doesn't go back

or if it was just the one that I sat in. Yeah, but so maybe that's the only thing that you might miss. Yeah. And then there's that complicated question of do I spring for it and get the thing that I really want? Or do I try to save money and do the cheaper alternative? I mean, this is a classic age old question. You never really know.

You're never fully happy either way. I think there's always just ways to talk yourself into whichever thing you'd rather do. Like if your instinct is to really try to save money, I feel like this is kind of the this is like the inflection moment where you're like thinking about everything. So all of the options are stressing you out. Yeah.

But if you just committed and imagined that somebody gave you a really nice fabric aims chair, it's going to look it's going to look great. I've seen them in like a really cool kind of like aged corduroy fabric that looked awesome, like a great corduroy. Yeah, very nice. So you and then if your instinct is to spend the money, then I think you could be like, I found the chair for free. I hung on to it for five years.

What's that like extra couple hundred bucks divided by five years? So it's like really overall of the time that you saved it, you've been saving up for this moment. Yeah, you can justify it. Yeah, I've done that or justified like spending. Spending more money by being like, yeah, I mean, these shoes cost two hundred dollars. But if I wear them for half a year, it's only like a dollar a day. So you can like say like, oh, this mattress costs like a thousand dollars.

But actually, I'm going to sleep on it for a thousand nights. So yeah, it's a dollar every single night. I can I can do that. Yeah, just break it down basically by a dollar per day average. And honestly, if this chair lasts you a decade, it's worth it. You could also look at other costs that you could limit, like at the same time as you're splurging on something that you feel like a little guilty about, you could see what you could pull back on in another way.

Is there anything else that's like a high cost? Sometimes that feels good. Like, oh, I canceled this membership. So now I don't feel quite as bad about spending this thing on whatever. Right. Yeah. So I guess what are you saying fabric? And I'm saying leather and justified by how long you'll own the chair. I've I guess I'm saying I think you are going to look into your heart

and do whatever you need to do. And I'm just kind of giving you different ways to look at it. That's beautiful. I think you can justify either way. All right, let's take yet another break. We need to answer more questions. We cannot shortchange the audience. Not like this, not like now. That's right. That's right. We'll come back.

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And we're back. Hey, oh, we got some more more good questions, but you found your own funny email. Did you not recently? I did. I don't know why this happened, but I searched for the first time head gum appeared in my email, like when we were talking about the head gum names. Right. And I just thought it was really like the names that we went back and forth. The names that we almost called our company is really funny.

Like, head gum doesn't even appear on this list. Well, until like it looks like it's. Yeah, like the the 10th email, the 10th email at the least. These are emails from September 4th, 2013. So that is just about two years to the day that we launched head gum. I believe we want launched head gum around like August 5th of 2015. Right. OK, these are emails.

These are emails between me, you and Marty. Um, the first one, because I remember we discussed naming the company at the Whiskey Brooklyn. So we must have like wrote some down and you emailed. This is your first email. I emailed the trust fall owner. I'll keep you guys posted. I also emailed the owners of icebreakers.com, free pizza.com and rope swing.com. Keep you posted on that, too.

And then before we thought of the name head gum, other names we considered and it was free pizza, trust fall and tree fort. Trust fall was the big was the leader because that was you and I. That was our first video. That's who I like. Oh, that's trust falls like a cool two words. It's it's it sounds kind of badass and it's got like a tie back to us. Right. The rest of these, I guess this next one does you.

All right, then you email some other domains I thought of that are available and are easy to say tight kite, bad kite, 12 cents, two dude, 65 degrees, rope swinger, trust, faller, unmaturity, fall so hard. My personal favorite blue dork. Oh, not half good is pretty good. Not half good as the name of good. Yeah, it's like the name of a production company more than an actual podcast network, it seems.

Yeah. And then you say vitamin R is also available for $2,800. I like vitamin R. Yeah. And then we are then we go back and forth. Just kind of like talking about the names. And then I think I email with kind of so so tire swinger, at least liked sunken living, quilt fort, tree houses and back tree housers and backyard game. Backyard game like I think it's backyard gang, actually.

Backyard game. It's I mean, it's just about as dumb. All right, some pretty good ones. Anything that you would consider like naming, I don't know, or our next company or something. Um, yeah, I guess quilt fort is kind of nice and harkens back to like towel forts and blankets of like recording. So quilt fort is kind of cool.

Yeah, it's just hard to say out loud. Quilt for yeah. Right. There's something fun about fort, which is like something fort. Yeah, it's like kind of like kidsy, childish, but also like structurally sound and, uh, it's supposed to like be substantial, which I like. What about it's good. What about fart fort or fort fart? Fart fort.

I wouldn't be surprised if we eventually say it for it fart. So all right, this is the, this is the email where I say headgum for the first time. Whoa, this is history. It's one of, uh, I say, here's a bunch I searched for. I bolded the ones I'm super into, including some from before. I feel like let's make a move. Once we get this choice out of the way, we can get into the real shit, like ordering business cards and doodling a logo.

Nothing better than ordering business cards and fucking doodling a logo. You would order the card before you get the logo for sure. These names are pizza thief returning again. Uh, good game, good game team, six squad, really solid quilt fort. Even after you said you didn't like it in an email above. Dope force, Tic Toe, headgum, done bone, backyard squad, tree fort trust and fort built, built fort tough. Wait, was really solid one of them.

That was an available domain. Yeah, really solid. That's really solid, actually. That's really funny. You say that because you say really solid is available. That's really solid. Really? In the email?

Yeah, Jesus. I haven't mentally advanced one iota since 2013. Really, I wonder if that's still available. Really solid.com. Yeah, really solid.com is available, which is really solid. It still is available right now. Oh, no, I'm just repeating your email. I've got it.

Yeah, yeah, it's taken. It's funny because there's another podcast company called now exactly right, which kind of has like a similar ring to it. Yeah, similar vibe is really solid. And then did anybody like headgum? Um, oh, that's the, I guess that's the other, that's maybe the more interesting part of all of those that I wrote. This, this email, it even has more that aren't bolded, like dope face.

And sick for it. So of like the 20 potential names that I said, Marty responds, headgum does something for my sales senses. Oh, okay. And then I, and then I responded. I still think trust, I still think trust fall is perfect. Forget about headgum. Couldn't get into it.

We really need to focus on fart for as much as possible. And then, and then you respond. I really like headgum. My brother's wife said it's quirky and sounds like empty calories for your brain to chew on, which is great. But my brother says it sounds like getting gum stuck in your hair, which is bad. Interesting. All right.

I'm glad we listened to her and to think. Interesting. We could have had a really solid name like backyard game. It's funny because like after, after pitching headgum, I, no one tried harder than me to, to call the company. Uh, it looks like now I go off and I call it towel for it. Please for the love of God. I regret ever suggesting headgum.

Like towel for is hard to say three times fast. And I write back, when would you ever have to do that? What do you think of towel for it right now? Seven years. I'm glad we didn't, I'm glad we didn't call it. I can't imagine. Yeah. I mean, towel for is funny because it's like something that exists.

So it's kind of lame to call your, your company, something like that. It's just like, oh, that's the thing that I kind of like. We like, I guess we built one. Headgum is cool to me because it's, it doesn't, there's no meaning for it outside of our company. So that's, that's nice. Yeah. It doesn't harken back to anything because it doesn't mean anything before

the actual podcast network. Hmm. Uh, all right. One last question. Yeah, let's do it. This is from a sophomore in college. Oh, no, wait, let's do it. A senior in college.

So we'll call her senora writes, this is less of a pickle and more of a general question for you to mature experienced men. My boyfriend is 26 and still plays video games with his friends quite often, just about every day if he has time to, and the friends he plays with, aren't exactly my cup of tea. They're extremely immature and the things that they joke about, uh, while killing Nazi zombies and call of duty are the antithesis of my sense of humor. They sound like 14 year old pervs instead of 26 year old adults.

Jokes about putting dildos in their car seats and every time they break, they get a little surprised. It's pretty good. My boyfriend giggles at this shit. Like he's a little schoolboy and I find it extremely unattractive. So I guess my question is this, do guys or people in general ever outgrow playing video games? My boyfriend is so mature in so many other ways and these things, these

friends bring out the worst than this 14 year old version of himself. I don't want to tell him to stop entirely, but I'm hoping and praying he matures to the point where he no longer has the desire to play these childish, violent video games. Do you find the act of playing video games to be dumb or am I just controlling, am I just a controlling bench? Thanks love. Senora.

Ooh, good question. Okay. Um, I get, yeah. What's your take on video games? Uh, I do play more. I do. I play like, I play kind of like silly games like Mario Kart and VR mini golf with friends.

I never got into the crazy call of duty style. Like in college, everyone was like really into like, I forget what it was called, modern warfare or something like that where like it would set up like a lan halo, right? Yeah. Like basically shooting each other games I never got into, but I do know people who are still into them a lot and they're not necessarily less mature than, I don't know, someone that watches as much basketball as me.

I don't think. Yeah. I feel like if you listen to any group of 20 something year old guys hang out or 30 or like, I mean, really any group of guys, you're going to, you might hear some immature stuff. And the fact that you say your boyfriend has is mature in other ways. I feel like it's great that he has an outlet where he's immature. Like that's, it's perfectly fine.

I don't play video games, but that definitely doesn't make me mature. I do plenty of stuff that's dumb and lame and immature. I think what she hates more is the, the, the like voices and jokes that they make while playing video games, more than the video games themselves. Right. I guess like I don't do anything where Jill has to hear me hang out with my friends. Well, like video games can be kind of a public thing. Like you're playing in like the living room, so you hear everything, you know?

Yeah, it's like if you had to play Dungeons and Dragons in the living room, would you be, would you like commit less to the voices and silly stuff? Or would you just be comfortable enough enough to ignore Jill who's sitting right next to you while you do this stuff? I think either way, it would be bad because I either would be too shy and not commit to the voices, making the show worse or I would commit really hard to the voices, which would make the show better. But Jill would just be kind of like losing respect for me.

Yeah. So, but yeah, I wonder if there's a compromise this person can make where it's like when you play video games, can you make it so I don't see you? Because I hate seeing and hearing that. Maybe headphones. So at the very least, she's not hearing the other side of the of the jokes, the conversation. Like, yeah, that's hard.

As long as you don't like, it's like your friend, you don't. It sounds like she doesn't like the boyfriend's friend's jokes. And he and all the boyfriends doing is laughing. Though it can be really annoying to just hear someone laughing with headphones on. Right. Do you just, I mean, like when you only hear half the jokes, it's almost worse to hear just a guy go, Dildo, Dildo. Where it's like, that was a really funny joke, but you can't hear the other side.

I think that my my advice, just in general on this one, is that like, as long as you have a boyfriend who you are, you're happy with his maturity level in most aspects of your life, the fact that he's immature when he plays video games with his friends, that seems perfectly fine. Right. So she's not a controlling bench, but also no, I don't know. Do you do you have a conversation like you can't really say, Hey, when I see you doing this immature shit, I don't like it.

I don't know. It's kind of seemed it just has the energy of something that's not like a conversation, but more like a like, I don't know, a one off fight. Like you're being really loud and annoying right now. Can you stop? Yeah. You know, like. It's weird to be like, I don't like you hanging out with your friends

or playing video games, but you can definitely sometimes if you're in a bad mood or something, you'd be like, keep it down this time. Yeah. So so he knows he doesn't have have free reign. And is it a is it a phase that you outgrow? Like do more 26 year old play video games in 36 or like once you're a video gamer, I know 36 year olds that play games like that. Yeah, I think I don't think it necessarily stops.

I guess maybe when people have like families and stuff, they have to play less. They can't make as loud dildo jokes or something. Yeah. But I don't think it's necessarily going anywhere. Yeah. And if he's if he's mature in every other situation, maybe it's just like hanging out with the boys level of immaturity that never goes away.

Right. And you can tell him to cool it from time to time. That doesn't make you it doesn't make you controlling to be like cool it. Like you think you're funnier than you are. That's fine. You can you can be like your friends are annoying. That's fine. I think that's OK.

Or you can just ask to join the game and then it's like you're really bad. And you're like, yeah, I also want to sit on a dildo in my car, sort of throw it back at them so they realize how stupid they're being. Yeah, the idea that every time you stop, you get a surprise. Like they no one should be driving like that. You shouldn't be stopping so short every single time. Does that mean they're sitting the dildos just in their ass, but not all the way in so that when they break it, like pushes it in further or something?

What's the physics behind that dildo idea? That's a nice way to you should log on and ask and ask them to really explain the dildo. Hey, guys, I'm sort of a noob here. I mostly just play Mario Kart and Tetris, but I'm curious about the dildo jokes is all. I want to laugh. I just need to understand the physics. Do you guys still play GoldenEye? Oh, yeah, that was a shoot them up game that I did play with when I was 15.

GoldenEye. Yeah. Same. Then they got too fucking insane. They got too fast, too good. I couldn't keep up. All right. Well, that's it. That's our show. Thanks for emailing those questions.

Thanks for sending in those theme songs. The email address for all those things is if I were you show at gmail.com. The opening theme song was that amazing Blink 182 song about me farting. That's right. And this this closing theme song is this longtime listener, first time baller from the UK, who hopes we enjoy this cover of an Oasis song. Some might say, OK, nothing to plug. But if you can shout out my day ones and fellow

Jake and Amir fans, Demi, Rich and Nish, that would be awesome. I bet they're a video game. Shout out. Don't forget to seize the cheese and hopefully see you next live show in the UK. Hell, yeah, love from Crandis, a.k.a. Luke. So thanks, Crandis, a.k.a. Luke. Thank you, Crandis. We're still making videos every week on our Patreon, filled with us watching, reviewing and analyzing old Jake and Amir episodes, a walk down memory lane,

a deep dive. That's right. And of course, we'll be back here as soon as possible, probably, let's say, exactly one week from now. Yeah, see that. All right, later, everybody. Listen to the podcast. These two dudes will give you some advice. By were you, you're myself in Starbucks. Jake will get another golden mic.

If I were you, email entities to Jews. By were you, listen to if I were you. Yeah, we will get turning. Jake, be near this cousin out of rape. Text, check in and send in, see if the cheese will search you once again. Gameboy, if I do any questions, I've got a profession on my game. There he is, a chipmunk, Jake says to prop on every day. That was a hit gum original.