If I Were You - 483: Orion Dating App

Episode Date: April 12, 2021

In this episode we discuss Jewish dudes, catchphrases, and our new dating app: ORION.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum original. I used to sleep at the office. I used to like be there until like 11. I used to go there on the weekends. This goes way back. Way back to the city. And I never felt that mad anymore. So goddamn, it is way back. We were riding. And I swear I never laughed so hard. So tell me, Bloomer, why are we fighting? And it hurts so much. It hurts me, Jake, when you're giving me the dirty.

Like you're upset at this. And you know I'm getting older. I'm already 8 years old. This goes way back to the city. Way back to the city. Way back to the city. Way back to the city. So what did we know? Why are we just like hair free?

Hair free. Like I used to, I mean now you like go to work and you want to go home. You know, it's like better to be at home. I used to sleep at the office. I used to like be there until like 11. I used to go there on the weekends sometimes. Way too moody, way too nostalgic, made me feel too much and I'm actually a little sad for it. It was too beautiful to be a theme song that put me in a wistful mood and I can't perform. And for that reason, I am out. I am out. Goodbye. No, no, no, no, no, no. We're like 21 seconds in. We have to at least.

Hard to set a song. Goodbye. Yeah, that one is called Way Back. It was written by Matt Pope who wanted to submit a theme song which looks at the current state of our relationship versus its golden past. Jesus. That's right. Yeah, wow, we had it all. And now a melancholy thinking about how the good old days are gone. Whoa, is this a second verse?

I think so. I'm melancholy thinking about how the good old days are gone. I'm going way back. I'm going way back. No, it's cute. It's funny. Yeah, it's funny. Yeah, me and Matt are probably going to link up later if he hears that. He's like, because he does a lot of beats and samples and stuff.

So if I just lay down some vocals, then it'll be easy for him to like turn that into some sort of polished vinyl. In a way, yeah, because he, I mean, he took just like us speaking words and turned it into a really beautiful song. I would think that actually what you did was made the job harder because you had kind of like a croaky, cracky, weird little singing voice. And that would be kind of like a song ruined, you know? I feel like hearing your singing voice ruins music for people, which is a lot because music has been like giving people joy for fucking forever. A simple pass would have sufficed. You don't have to rail into me or if you have any constructive criticism because all you said so far is that my voice ruins music. I guess like, yeah, if you want to just like take a piece of construction, a piece of constructive criticism, excuse me, from that, it would be to never sing or speak again.

Does that make sense? Or speak? I'm not going to do that. Noises that come from you ruin music and society. These sounds you make are a detriment to humanity. Is that saying too much? Yeah. What if I just gasp if I just see something beautiful and I go, that's not bad for anything, let alone society.

I just think that's it's not that bad. A gasp is a pass. Like I can ignore that. But I think at the same time, you witnessing something beautiful and gasping is probably like it's tiptoeing. It's keeping towards commenting. And that's what we want to avoid. I think that you, what about a hiccup? No.

If I have something like. I think you weighing in. If I eat too fast and I go, that's fine. That's a noise, but it's not ruining a song. It would ruin a moment for me. And if you did it during a song, it would ruin a song. So I think you should hiccuping is on the table, but be careful. Tread lightly when it comes to hiccuping, burping, passing wind, urinating.

You think if I fart. Yeah. You already have ruined something with the fart. Do you remember Fartgate with Josh Rubin? I apologize for that. Yeah. As he's pitching his movie, you fucking rip ass. Let one rip.

Over the elevator pitch. That's not fair. Yeah. Fine. I'll. I mean, I have to like this. It sets me up to have a weird record now. Cause you so far, all you've said is that you're in a sad mood and that I shouldn't

make noises. Like those are two really important things. Um, yeah. Well, let's, let's see if you can cheer me up. How about that? Blumenfeld. Well, that's a fun job. This is, this is supposed to be kind of an exciting podcast episode because we're

debuting a new project that we're launching. Yeah. We're launching a new app. Yes. So there's that going for us in addition to, I thought the theme song was really nice. Thank you, Matt. The theme song made me a little sad. You put me in a bad mood, but the news, this podcast has breaking news in it.

So that's kind of fun. Yeah. And that's exciting. Right. It's turning things around. And actually I will allow you to speak to tell people about our new app. Well, yeah, it's a, that's exactly what it is. It's a new app.

It's a dating app. Uh, we turned the joke dating app from our web series, lonely and horny into a real dating app. And all it took was five years. Yeah. You know, that's actually not that bad. I think we joked, we like joked on the podcast about starting a dating app because we got so many questions that were about other dating apps and we were, and we were like just giving

free publicity to the hinge, uh, hinge, uh, tinder, uh, bumble, Jaidish, Minge, okay. Stupid. Yeah. So we were like, oh, we should make, we should make an app. Uh, two dudes Craig and Don reached out and they were like, we're actually like web designers. We could help. Uh, we could help because, you know, we don't know how to design an app. Uh, and then somebody named Jeff, who I worked with on the NAD pod website, brilliant coder,

uh, actually brought the designs to life. So you and I did nothing except for have the silly idea that we should have a dating app. And then people came around us, brought it to life and now it exists. And now our job actually kicks in where we, where we tell people about it. You can download a Ryan and you can use it and it's fun. When I'm on it, you're on it. We got some friends on it or initially we got the sub reddit on it just to like, you know, populate the database a little bit.

So the, by the time we, you know, bring it to the podcast listeners, there's already some user base. Yeah. There's some people on there. Um, and, and yeah, you can, uh, you can check it out by going to Orion dating, uh, searching that on, uh, your, your app store or Google play, wherever you get your apps. Yeah. That's pretty cool.

It's on, you, you can use it as on an Android or, uh, iPhone device. So like that's, that's a huge hurdle right there. Multi divisional. Yeah. I guess what differentiates it is one, it's new. So everybody that's on it is actually on it. You know, these are all real people who downloaded it recently, which is nice. And then we also tried to make it as funny as possible by providing some funny ice break

breakers, photo prompts. It's more personality driven than your actual usual normal apps. When you're, yeah, when you're choosing your photos, uh, you, you get like a prompt like you and your worst enemy. And then you can like make little jokes with the prompts and the photos. And I've already seen some people's, uh, photos and they're really fun. I always see the, uh, the prompt that's weird flex, but okay. And it was just one guy making a weird muscle and that was good.

It's, it's good because usually on dating after like, I don't know, I feel weird putting like a black and white cool photo of me, even though that's what I want. I don't know what photo to be like the main photo. So we give like silly prompts that sort of invite people to put their nine favorite photos, not just of themselves, but maybe of their pet, their best friend, their favorite book, movie, TV show, whatever. Yeah. It's more of an overview.

So yeah, check it out. It's still early days. There are some bugs, of course. Some people have reportedly been unable to, I don't know, swipe left or right, you know, minor issues like that. But overall it should be working. I think part of the problem is that not enough people were using it. So the app was just sort of glitching out until, until we could make the podcast announcement.

And then once everyone from, from listening to this downloads and start using the app, I'm sure it's going to work flawlessly, you know? Yeah. And that's what, that's what most bugs are usually solved by more people using them. But if you happen to find something wrong with the app, you can email that problem to, if I were you, show at gmail.com. We'll make sure the smartest person we know, Jeff, looks into it. That's right.

We should say it's Jeff, an actual computer programmer, not Jeffrey the dumbass who's on Orion but doesn't know how to do anything. And I believe Jeff did help with some of the, the prompts and some of the ice breakers. So Jeff was involved. And so was our friend, Rylan Sylvester, who is another comedian. Shout out. Shout out. Big ups.

Team effort. I'm on there. Jake's on there. Hopefully you guys will be on there too. I've actually got a lot of matches so far. One. Really? With this really hot girl named Lode.

If you can find it. Really? Yeah. Well, let me see. You can't, you can't. Well in this photo, she looks like Cindy Crawford because this is just, this is an old photo of Cindy Crawford. Yeah.

But in this one, she looks like Elizabeth Olson. So that's pretty good. And here's one where she looks exactly like Mila Kunis, which is cool. These are all photos of various celebrities. It's not even day one and you've been had by a bot. No, I haven't. I haven't. I haven't.

I've been in a life changing moment where I've fallen in love with an Elizabeth Moss meets Elizabeth Olson meets Elizabeth, Elizabeth Shoe and Elizabeth in times and I have a date with Lode next week and I can even prove it because I've already given her my credit card number. Yeah, that's what I'm worried about. That's what I'm worried about. Do you give your, you just give your credit card number to anybody or do you do that shit to your soulmate?

Well, it has my credit card number, my social security number, my bank account info, routing and fucking to prove your fucking loyalty to this obvious scammer. So obviously it's a weird way to talk about my fucking wife. Tell you what, if we weren't on zoom right now and I still might do this, if we weren't on zoom, if we weren't on zoom and I still might, I would kick your ass right now and I actually still might kick your ass right now. Wow. We're so far away you wouldn't be able to do anything.

Yeah, you just watch. You just watch. I just texted Billy fucking Skip Fury to, yes. So what is that? What is he going to say? He's going to kick my ass because by the way, I'm texting him right now. You are married. Okay.

Like I'm not talking, that's like the least of our words right now, but it's actually problematic. You're talking about a different woman as being your soulmate and how you love her, but you are actually, I feel like if Jill saw this photo of Lode where she's looking like Margot Robbie, exactly like Margot Robbie because she's even posed here with Leonardo DiCaprio and it looks like it's a screen from, yeah, okay. But if Jill saw that photo, she would be like, go with God, I understand because Lode looks fucking Lode actually does fucking to a T resemble Margot fucking Robbie.

And that's pretty interesting and that's pretty neat. And besides at this point, she has a good portion of my like savings from my Schwab account. So I feel like we are in a way, we're combining, I think like, you know, you combine finances when you really, when you feel like somebody and she hasn't kicked hers in yet, but she has mine. No, she doesn't have. We're probably going to open up some kind of it's not a sheet. It really isn't a sheet, by the way, we can probably ask Jeff to look up the email address

to see, like you can have a database. I don't need to email address. We're talking on the app and I would like I'd prefer most people's kept the conversations to the app. You don't want to. I can see her email. It's Sean XTC sucker baiter at yahoo.com. So right off the bat, that's looks like he's leaving you little breadcrumbs.

Your ass is about to let your ass is going to get kicked. Your ass is going to get kicked. So I hope you're fucking happy. I'm glad you're laughing right now because in five fucking minutes, Billy's going to be out there. I just then motive $300 and that was the last of my fucking money, by the way, because I don't have money anymore. No, you don't.

Because it's all been invested. You're pouring out and Billy is going to kick your ass. He's going to kick your fucking ass. You're done. Go with the goad, as she says. All right. Well, you know, shout out to everybody that's helped make this happen. Check it out.

Let us know what you think. You can search Orion dating on those app stores and we're on there. So you can say hi to us. Yeah, that's true. So even if you're not trying to date right now, you could just match with us and chat. Sort of chat. Yeah, it's a chatting app with us more than anything. So we are back, of course, on a Sunday, April 11.

Shout out to my childhood best friend, Chris Silver, whose birthday it is today. He sent me sent me pictures of him drying clothes on a clothesline. So I know he listens. Wow. And he appreciated that unsolicited advice from last week. Good shit. Very good shit. But after all, this is an advice podcast.

I searched far and wide for dating app related questions, sort of thematically relevant to today's topic. I'm Amir. I am Jake. Now, let's see here. This one is sort of tangentially related. It's a hinge question and it hinges us, hinges on us being aware about how to use a dating app.

Love it. How do you use hinge? I did use hinge back in my single days. It was Tinder and hinge for me. That was those were the apps of choice. Maybe I even spent a little time on OKCupid. And hinge relied on, or at least back in the day, like your connect, like it only showed you friends of friends, I think.

I think hinge has changed, but that like, yeah, when it first started, like the thing for hinge was like, it showed you people you had like mutual connections with like mutual friends on Facebook. So I could like text my friends, do and be like, Hey, what's up with this girl Becky that I just matched with on hinge? You know, you sort of like, it made it feel like you were actually going to go on. It was like more curated or more like a friend's setup than than Tinder, which was just like total strangers.

Everybody in America. And I feel like hinge kind of like has unseated Tinder has it? Is that just me? Like my single friends that I know are more on hinge than any other dating app. Yeah, I think Tinder was so big so early on that like now there's a bunch of bots and people who don't look at their account, people who don't use their account much, much any more. So it feels a little more like a diluted dating pool.

I see. All right. So we'll call this guy Henry hinge writes, I've been kicking it with this lady I met off hinge for a little bit. And because of social distancing, there hasn't been need to use my name ever. If we're together, it's just eye contact and conversation. And I bet it's always nicknames and pet names. But recently, she mispronounced my real name in bed, and I have no idea what to do.

Do I just accept that this is my name from now on or make it real weird by telling her that how it is pronounced after sleeping together multiple times? Thanks for reading love, Henry. So let's say his name is Henry hinge and she calls him on re or Henry or Henry, right? Is it too late to correct her now that they've had sex? Well, of course not. I think anytime somebody is mispronouncing your name, you should feel very comfortable to tell them how to pronounce it.

I think that the thing that is weird, maybe since she's said it once and you heard her mispronounce it, but you didn't correct it in the moment for you to tell her now, it seems a little too much like you're dwelling on it. I think what she'd do is flag for the future that she mispronounced your name. And next time next time she does it, because I believe she did it, she mispronounced it during sex. Right? Yeah.

I think that's fine. Like that's a heat is the moment thing. She might have even just taken a breath wrong and said it wrong, though she did. He did tell us the name and definitely it sounds like she is mispronouncing it. But I think it's weird to maybe correct someone in the heat of that moment. But I think next time, if it comes up and know that it will, because she does not know how to pronounce your name, you can quickly correct her. Oh, it's actually, yeah.

The other way to do it is just like, try to say your name in front of her somehow soon. Because I think I've mispronounced people's names. And then like, I can sort of read a social cue. Like they've said it in some innocuous way, right? I hear it and I'm like, oh, I've been mispronouncing that. I'll register how to pronounce it from now on. That's actually interesting is if you, I was going to say you can correct her whatever, but you can also just like make a reservation and be like, yeah, it's for Henry.

Yeah, Henry. Yep. You're pronouncing it correctly. Henry. And then she'd be like, oh my God, I've been calling you blah, blah, blah. And then you could be like, oh, I don't even notice. I'm like a fucking cool, casual, collected cat and like, I don't even know what you're talking about mispronouncing my name.

Yeah. You know, anytime you say I'm a cool, casual, collected cat, that's like, definitely, um, yeah. So you'd be like, like you're sweating bullets and she's like, I can tell you didn't make a reservation because your phone's not on. Yeah. And you're like, I know I was just trying to fucking be a cool, common, collected cat around.

Yeah. Where are we? Where are we going to eat tonight? I just heard you make a reservation three times. I start, I'll fuck a cool, calm, collected cat. Call me by my real name. You know, casual shit like that. Yeah.

Uh, so two options. There we go. That'll be easy. Easy enough. And the key is to, you know, don't, uh, don't make a big deal out of it shoes. It's more of an ignorance thing. She's not trying to like, this isn't a power move. She just actually doesn't know how to pronounce her name and was guessing and you never corrected

her. So what was she supposed to do? It's really interesting that like you moved on to pet names so fast. She doesn't know how to pronounce your real name, but she calls you baby or something. That's why she also mispronounces that. So she says, baby, darling, darling, right? Oh, darling. Actually darling.

She has a speech impediment. She has this thing where she like sort of uses the wrong vowel conjugation or pronunciation for every, every like attempt. So instead of Jack or instead of Jake, it's Jack and instead of a mirror, it's a Meyer and shit like that. Or should I say shite like they should not say shite like beat. Yeah. Uh, all right.

Good luck. Godspeed. Let's take a break. Come back and answer some more questions after these messages. Talk to you in a minute. Thank you to stamps.com for sponsoring this episode of our show, visiting the post office and dealing with shipping and handling is probably one of the most stressful parts of owning a business.

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That sounds pretty good. Thank you stamps.com for sponsoring this show. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. That might be the Goat Father's Day gift.

I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child.

We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great, really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen.

It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo. Yeah. Frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the Aura Frame. We plugged it in.

Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, uh, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like a, she misheard it or something like that.

Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. She smokes. And we let her know with an Aura.

Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny.

Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You deserve that. A personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame.

Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit Aura Frames. That's A-U-R-A frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is.

Oh wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. And the conditions apply. That's Aura Frames A-U-R-A Frames.com. Okay. Go get your parents something.

All right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. And we're back. Assume the unsolicited device is to download our new dating app? That's correct.

Yeah. I think that's the way to go. There's a lot of Orion dating, not dating apps, but apps in the app store. So you really have to be very specific. Otherwise you're downloading like something called Orion Financing App or like an Orion like Astrology app. You got to be specific. I think that initially.

It's that purple logo Orion dating. Right. We used to, we were planning on calling it prompt, right? That was like the earliest form like five years ago. We were like, we're going to call it prompt because what we thought was unique was the photo prompts and building out like the top nine look in profile. Everybody was on time. So it was very prompt as well.

Yeah. We're always, we're very punctual. And the, the, the ice, we were also calling it ice breaker because we were like, I think that was what was happening, right? We were deciding between two apps. Like one that gave you a conversation starter because I was doing text Jake and I felt like I was answering so many, so many texts that were like, I don't know like how to start a conversation or like, you know, we get emails like that to our, to Gmail also.

So we're like, oh, how do I open? Yeah. So let's, let's make like a silly little opening conversation. And then we couldn't decide and we realized that they were better if we could just combine them. There was nothing keeping us from doing it. Yeah. And then there was also glance.

I remember like, cause it shows you nine photos of yourself. You get a nice overview at a glance of what these profiles look like. Yeah. There's not really a main. There's like, there's a, there's a. There's the nine photos and the main is in the middle. So we combined all of the ideas. And here we are.

Um, yeah, let's see if I can answer another question that is centered around a dating app. Let's hear it. This one is from Bumble. Hmm. Yeah. Uh, 21 year old Canadian dude will call him, you know, Connor McDavid, who's a hockey player. Cool.

He writes, me and my girlfriend of four years broke up a month ago. And of course the first morning period or first, right after the first morning period, I hopped on the dating apps. I met a girl on Bumble and things were going fine. I'm not looking for anything serious for obvious reasons, but I think I always give the wrong idea. This girl is texting me back and forth at three a.m. every night and always responds super quick.

And today I realized she deleted her bumble. I feel like I'm leading her on, but I don't know how to stop. Any help would be awesome. Love you too. Connor. Hmm. So that was always a big issue. Went to delete your account and did this person delete their account for me or for

other reasons? I feel like when we were single, you used to try to figure that out more so than I did. You would like, cause wouldn't Bumble, one of the, no, I was before Bumble. It was like, one of the apps would show like last active on or something. Right. So it's like, oh my God, this person hasn't been on since we met. She did. Lead it for me.

Yeah. That's so much pressure. And then I think I was like just the opposite. Like I, I assumed that everyone would just use the app. Like you still have it. You're, if you haven't had the conversation, you can't like cheekily delete the app and be like, we're official now. Yeah.

That's why our app Orion deletes itself after 36 hours and nobody has any questions. You're on it for a day and a half. And then it goes away forever, unable to be reinstalled in your phone. Yeah. And actually we have a little, a special little button that makes it look like a Robin Hood stock trading app. Yeah. If you, if you want to use it, right.

You can use it on the subway and it's really just line graphs. So nobody knows that you're thirstily swiping in public. So this person, they're, they're, they're person that they're dating. They're worried that they're moving too fast. Yeah. Am I leading her on? Did she delete the app for me? Should I say something?

Did he, did she say she deleted the app? No, he just noticed that she did. How does he know that she deleted it? You go to the profile to see her photos again and it's like, oh, this person doesn't exist. Yeah. She could also just be breaking up with you. It's like about that. That's how she's telling you.

She blocked you. Buddy. Yeah. She didn't block you. Yeah. Oh, she cockblocked you. She cockblocked you. You're done.

You think that she's, she's too into you? She's doing to me. She deleted the app and she hasn't even returned my calls for a week and a half. She's still texting me a lot. Right. Okay. So I think, I think the only thing you can do is have a conversation. Talk.

Yeah. You must. Or you can just assume people delete and reinstall these dating apps all the time as far as I understand it. It's like, I get fed up. I delete it. I reinstall. I go and I come and it has nothing to do with the people that you matched with and is talking

to at the time. That's true. But I think if, if it's something that's on your mind, you might as well bring it up because then you'll, you'll have the information that you need to adjust your behavior moving forward. Yeah. Um, so would you bring it up or would you not? Oh, me?

No, never. I, I'm afraid of competition and I, um, yeah, no, I would, I, I, I've, I've, I've be freaked out. But since I'm married and haven't been on a dating app in a couple of years, I think what you need to do is have an adult conversation. That's cool. Yeah. Or I would probably not bring it up either and just hope that she didn't do it for me.

And it's like, if she did, I didn't tell her to. So it's not my fault, right? Guys. Yeah. But there is too, there's too much of like, you know, not wanting to be a bad, like I don't want to seem like a bad guy. Like, could she think I'm a bad guy if I didn't, if I'm, she might think I'm leading her on.

Like, I don't think that, I don't think you are, but, and maybe she won't think you are either. But like, just because you won't be perceived as a bad guy, doesn't mean that she won't be upset. She's going to feel sad. So you can preempt all of this by having the conversation, like, I don't think you've done anything wrong. I don't think she's done anything wrong.

There's a clear miscommunication here and that can be cleared up by communicating. Yeah. So if you really care, you can bring it up, but if you can ignore it, you should just ignore it. Yes. Ignoring it is make, is going to make it worse when it bubbles up. When it comes up, it will be worse because you ignored it. I know you will ignore it and that's fine.

All right. Here's another question about J-Date. Whoa. Did you ever join J? Yeah. I've never joined J than you. I tried the Jewish tinder, the swipe. J swipe?

Yeah. But that didn't last very long either. Okay. Well, we'll call this lady, Gold of My Ear. Nice. Gold of Rights. While listening to y'all's show, I've heard y'all mention J-Date a few times. I've never considered online dating, but after realizing that all the guys I have crushes

on are Jews, a friend of, and I signed up as a joke. A day after making my profile, a couple of really hot Jew guys flirted with me and favored in my profile. I'm serious. These Jews are a solid 75 centers. My question is, if I wanted to actually go on a date with one of these hot mitzvah boys, how can I seriously love that? How can I land one?

I'm not Jewish, but I'm down to convert. I know Jewish families are pretty strict on wanting their sons to be with nice Jewish girls. Any advice would be hashtag dope as fuck. Thanks. Golda. I guess we shouldn't have called her Golda because we have to give this person a non-Jewish name.

I see. Stephanie? Yeah. Stephanie's good. Don't worry, guys, y'all will forever be my favorite Jews. Thank God. Yeah. Hmm.

Interesting. It doesn't feel like people join the, I don't know, are people on the Jewish dating app to meet Jewish guys? Like does a guy care? I feel like there's even an option for that. There's like, not Jewish, but looking for a Jewish person. Oh, interesting. Yeah.

I think as long as you make your profile, I mean, you just make your profile not Jewish, but looking to convert and you're going to match with people that are fine with it. As long as you're front facing about what you're doing, then no harm, no foul. Yeah. All of her, the way she asks, it's all complimentary, but it's very weird to just be like a couple of hot Jews. We're on a Jew. We're looking to find a Jew.

It just feels very predatory, even though everything she said was really nice. Yeah. So I guess call it, I'm looking for a Jewish guy instead of saying specifically, I'm looking for a Jew. Nothing about that makes it feel a little weird. You can say looking for a hot mitzvah. That's kind of cool. Yeah.

That's pretty good. That's cheeky. That's cool. Yeah. And as far as Jewish families that are pretty strict on wanting their sons to be with, quote, nice Jewish girls, it's all over the place. I know some parents that care a lot. Some people that, some parents that don't care as much.

So it runs the gamut. It's not like super strict 100% of the time. It definitely seems, though it runs the gamut, crosses the spectrum, it tends to be more heavily on parents want the girl to be Jewish. Interesting. Yeah. I bet. I mean, I don't know.

There's different levels of wanting too. It's like, well, whatever makes you happy, but I hope it's a Jew or all the way down to, I will disown you if not. And then there's also different levels of being Jewish because I think when I was getting married to Jill, everybody was like, oh, good, he's like a nice Jewish boy. But I was Bar Mitzvah, but I am an atheist who hates religion. So I'm not very, for some people, that still counts. I'm Jewish enough to be good.

But yeah, Bar Mitzvah, we had to check that box. Yeah. And I wanted so little religious stuff happening there. So they just want to make sure you know what a Seder is when you're coming over and you're not like, what are these crackers? I don't get it. No, I'm definitely, after a couple of years, I've definitely emerged as Jewish enough for everything that we do.

It's fine. And you did have to dye your hair a little bit browner, which was kind of Jewish leaning. And then I got circumcised. My bachelor party, you remember that? I didn't know you wanted to talk about that, but that's really cool that you bring it up. Yeah, for Jake's bachelor party, we went to a city like, I want to say 50 miles east of New Orleans, and you just got a circumcision. Yeah.

And we spent the rest of the weekend in the hospital with you, right? Yeah, it was a brisk. I had a brisk in Baton Rouge. It was cool. How was the, yeah, did that infection ever clear up? I know it was pretty. It spread. Yeah, no, it didn't clear up.

It spread. Yeah, we shouldn't have gone to that weird southern doctor slash moille that you found right in rural Baton Rouge. That was an odd choice that you get because it was it was more of like because they sold gas there and they made po-boys. And then there was also if you wanted, you could have your foreskin removed kind of like in a scrap metal yard around back. I was doing the alligator feeding thing, which was like already felt dangerous.

So I cannot believe you let that fucking, yeah, for lack of a better term, gas station attendant who seemingly had no idea what you wanted to do, circumcise you. Well, I needed to do it there because that was like, you got a free fanboat tour with each circumcision. Yeah. Come to think of it, we should have just stayed in New York. I know that's not like what is considered a traditional bachelor party. But you would have had a lot better access to some pretty special care that you did

that day and didn't get. That's right. I feel a little bit bad about that. So I am sorry about having your dick be infected like that. It's starting to sound like your best man's speech. Anyway, if anyone can deal with it, it's Jill Mazeltov. All right, let's take one more break. I think we got one more dating app themed question on the other side of these messages.

Hell, yeah. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation, talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, but BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient,

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And it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp. Check them out. Thanks, better help. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow. For years and years and years, we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't

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Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. All right, we got a question about the granddaddy of them all Tinder. Baby, the app that started it all. Terry Tinder, we'll call this guy. I'm on a four year dry spell here, writes Terry.

And if I thought meeting somebody I liked before COVID was difficult, Jesus, this is a whole another level. So of course I went to the old fallback Tinder, which I haven't had on my phone for a few years, and let me tell you, it is a ghost town. I mean, maybe it's just that I'm lame and girls aren't swiping me. And I'm sure that's true some of the time, but I honestly think it's more than that. I'm a decent guy who used to get solid matches and now I'll swipe generously for days and get next to nothing.

I think people delete the app, but don't deactivate the account. So it still shows up, but the profile is totally dead. Another thing I see is a lot of girls who just put their snap or insta, which come on, it's cheap. It's a cheap attempt to gain followers. So I don't know if it's because of the pandemic or if it's just I'm not cool anymore, but yeah, Tinder and Bumble are total dead ends right now. So what should I do?

How do I go about meeting girls? Is it even a good idea to try to meet girls? Thank you. Love Terry Tinder. Well, do we have the app for you? Yeah, it feels like we pay this guy to write an endorsement, but it is true. We do get a lot of emails that are like, uh, dating apps aren't working for me. Aren't working for me.

I've met everybody on there or everybody on there's, uh, no longer on there. Or I don't want to keep downloading the same apps. So it is a good time for, uh, as the world opens up a new dating app with people who downloaded it recently because everyone on there is technically a hashtag day one. Yeah. And you know, also you'll, I feel like there's just been times when I've like seen screenshots of people like sending a match they got where they like one of their things that they have in common is like liking the Jake and Amir

Facebook page and they like rattle off like quotes to each other or something. So, right, you have a solid connection. Like at least right now, most people who have downloaded the app, uh, like, like the podcast or like Jake and Amir. So there you go. Right. This is round one. Our goal is to populate it with friends and fans first and then grow from there. So as of right now, you can match with anybody in America because there's not

enough people to like geo target for just your city. Right. So, so, and everyone you talk to will all over the world. They'll all appreciate the load reference. So, yes, that's, that's a good number for right now. And soon enough, it hopefully, if all goes well, it would be like putting a load reference in your hinge bio, which would be a big swing. But, and then at the same time, you have something like that in your hinge bio, then you're really going to be sure to get messages from people who know

what you're talking about. And yeah, if you like it, spread the word. We need more people on there, the more the merrier, even if you are a hashtag day one. But as for this guy, this guy who needs to know how to meet girls, let's say not even online, how do you meet girls IRL post pandemic? Almost post pandemic, I should say. People are starting to get vaccinated. The world is starting to reopen.

This might be a very exciting time to be single. I think so. I think people, I think it's going to be an exciting time just to be a human being and be alive to reemerge in society. I think it's going to be fun, but especially, especially if you're single. If people have just been cooped up for way too long, they're going to let loose. Yeah, I mean, it's going to be like if you've ever like deprived yourself of something like, oh, I'm not going to have French fried this month this month.

And then it's like your first fryback. It's going to be like that, but everyone has sort of been starving themselves of joy for over a year. Yeah, it's like it's going to be like that except for French kissing. Yeah, my friend saw a movie in a movie theater the other day and he's like, oh, my God, it just felt so euphoric to like be back in a room full of strangers. I couldn't even like explain it. It's so crazy.

Wow. Yeah, that's real. I, I took like, um, I took a lift for the first time in a very long time yesterday and just like the feeling of waiting for a lift. I was like, oh my God, I'm going out on the town. Yeah, imagine how much money you saved not using Uber and Lyft for over a year. I keep on almost deleting the Uber app and then I'm just like, no, I want to, I want to hold out hope that I'll be going somewhere again someday.

I also had a friend who's like, who just ate at a restaurant for the first time with his children. And he's like, Jesus Christ, what the hell are we thinking? Like spending $89 every time we eat lunch. Like now I get groceries and I can feed my entire family for like $7. This is crazy. Wow. Well, you know, you pay for the experience of going out.

I'm not going to give up on restaurants. They still fucking love them. Yeah, or getting a haircut. Do I, do I go back to haircuts? Do I just continue to beg my girlfriend to cut my hair for me for free? Yeah. Well, I'm never cutting my hair again. What's that? I'm never cutting my hair again.

Well, I mean, at a certain point it'll get too long, right? And it'll get past your shoulders or you don't want to be like that weird guy with hair down to his ass. Well, if it gets down to my ass, I think I would let it get down to my mid ass. And at that stage, I could probably tie it up in a bun or something. Yeah. Ponytail over the shoulder, french braids tied up. Like some sort of fucking avatar character or something.

Like a beehive thing. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Have you done man bun? It's definitely long enough to bun in a man, right? Yeah, I have man bun. I have man bunned. I have man bunned. Do you do it or do you have to have somebody else do it for you?

Let's see it. Oh, wow. Look at that. Yeah, that's a high pony. That's Pat Rafter. Okay. And then how do you have like a little scrunchie or what do you use rubber band wise to make sure that stays up there?

I can, I have a little scrunchie. I have a scrunchie. I have a scrunchie. I don't think that's, I don't think that's a man bun, though. That looked like a high ponytail. It was like two, it came off the back a little bit. A man bun is like perfectly on top of your head. I'll go get, I'll go get my fucking scrunchie and I'll show you the man bun.

If, oh, fine. One second. Can't believe I'm doing this. That's good. This is good because I'm recording the video. So I just hear a gunshot in the lamp. Oh my fucking God. No, no.

All right. Nevermind. He's just, I guess he's looking to get like, uh, I wonder if it's like a thick rubber band situation or it's a full on 80s chic, bright pink, flowery scrunchie with a bow or you can even go like full on rubber band or something like that. Not even like the hair specific one, but they made the hair specific ones for a reason. You know, it's the rubber band tends to pull and tug and it kind of hurts. Right.

All right, you're back. Wait, I need to see it. What's the hair tie? What's the, do you borrow that from a lady or? No, I bought this on, I bought it on Amazon. And what is it called? A, just a hair tie or something? Yeah.

Hair, hair tie for men. Okay. I don't know why they specify that this hair tie was for men, but it made me feel better about buying it. That's probably why, right? Yeah. That's pretty good. That's, that's up there.

That's a top. Yeah. That's a top. And then what do you do with the, Yeah. What do you do with the little mullet that then extends to the back? If I go, if I go just ponytail, I can get the mullet stuff in the back up as well. But I kind of like,

And let's see what, can I see what the full on pony looks like? The full on pony. Or you're just like, yeah. Okay, hold on. This is good. This is that Inigo Montoya shit. This is good. That's right.

This is good fucking radio. Yeah. Jake is currently pressing all of his hair. Everything, everything is gone. Yeah. Right to the back. He's got some strays in the back. That's ultimately fine.

That's part of the look. The, oh, that's pretty good. And you haven't done that probably ever, right? I mean, you have to teach yourself how to do that pony, right? Yeah. And then, so, I see it now. So what's, when do you do that? When do you go full pony?

Like, are you going out to dinner, drinks like that? No. Or is that just like an exercise thing? Just exercise. Yeah. Leave it in. Leave it in for the show. I want to talk to the pony.

You're laughing. No, I'm just curious. You're poking fun at me. I know Jake, but I've never met Jacob with the pony before. I want to see if he's like kind of a different guy. The pony, the ponies guy, his name is Jay. That's cool. Yeah.

Yeah. Welcome to Jay. Hey, I'm Jay. You know, that's kind of Jay's vibe. Yeah. I'm just, I need to get across the bridge so if you can. What else? Yeah.

Right. You have to just drive me wherever I tell you so. So how to meet girls post pandemic. We're hoping it'll be easier than ever, but yeah. If you still need a new online way to do it, Orion's right there for you. Perfect timing. I do think you're going to be able to like, I don't know,

events and stuff. You're going to be able to meet people IRL. I think it's going to be, I think that'll be coming back. It must suck to like, I mean, at a certain point, it'll be like the first person rejected post pandemic, right? Like you're finally out at a bar for like the first time in 18 months. And it's like, hey, how's it going? I'm just like, sorry, I'm not like here to meet anyone.

You're like, all right, yeah, no, that's cool, whatever. I'm going to go back home for two years anyway. So don't worry about it. Well, you know, if that happens to you, I wouldn't get too discouraged because I think, I also feel like as excited as people are to be coming out, you probably will be selective. It's not going to be like meeting strangers for the first time. You have to make sure they're worth it.

It's a feeding frenzy. There's going to be a lot of people, a lot of options, and people are going to have to accept and reject on the fly quickly. So don't take it personally. How do you tell someone that you're vaccinated or not? Like that's got to be one of the first questions, right? It's like, hey, where do you live? How old are you?

Which Vax are you on? And when did you get it? I think that's a good idea because I was talking to a friend of mine who went on a date with somebody last week who is an anti-vaxxer. So it's good to ask the Vax question early because then you'll be able to learn if you're actually meeting somebody who doesn't believe in vaccines. Oh, that's cool.

We should add that as a photo prompt where it's like you and your vaccination card or it's like the new I voted sticker. You want to take a selfie with your vaccination card. Or if we want to get more specific, ideally a screen grab of your antibody count. That's so we can know exactly where you are in the process. That's good. Yeah.

Because yeah, some people are getting over COVID and they're like, they have natural immunity and some people had to get it from the vaccine. So like if you don't want to get too intrusive, like I don't want to tell you if I got Pfizer or whatever. Here's my IgG antibody count. Just know that I'm obviously not a carrier. Does this say like the account? Like it could be high or low?

It says how many? Yeah. Well, not every place. You'd have to really go to a specific scientific lab to get that exact figure. But if you want to get with me, you got to make it last. You know what I mean? Yeah, for sure. All right.

Cool. Good luck. Have fun. Let us know what you think. And again, it's early days. Some people won't be able to, I don't know, resize a photo or swipe right. Little things like that we're working on. We're constantly building towards.

So give us some slack. Appreciate any and all feedback you can send it to if I were you show at gmail.com. That's right. And everything we said about the app is true, except for the fact that it does not self-destruct after 36 hours. Oh, yeah. You also can't hide it. Yeah.

It's a Robin Hood thing. Yeah, you can't do that either. But the other stuff, the other stuff is accurate. They're, I'm sure there's some people who will think this is a bit. And I assure you this is not a bit. Go to the app store. Orion dating. Take it for a whirl.

Let us know what you think. And, you know, for any other questions that should arise in this post pandemic, post Orion universe, you can always email us at if I were you show at gmail.com. Oh, yeah. The opening theme song was that one that made you nostalgic and sad. Are you still feeling that? It was called the way back. Yeah.

Sad, nostalgic. Yeah. But this is sad. Hopefully this closing one is a little more fun. It's from Daniel in Chicago. Oh, he releases music under the name Harvey Waters. Okay. Yeah.

And he just released an album in October. So hope we're doing well. We helped him out during turbulent times. And you can listen to his stuff at harveywaters.bandcamp.com. Sick. Thanks, Danny slash Harvey Waters. Thanks to you guys for listening. Hope you guys are getting vexed when possible.

Stay in a home, stay in healthy and starting to emerge into this crazy world, this crazy life. And you know what? What? I'm going to I'm going to introduce a catchphrase right now at the end of every episode. Well, that's ready for it. Yeah. I know this. That's awesome.

Yeah. Let's hear it. Yeah. New catchphrase. This is your catchphrase moving forward or how would you introduce a new catchphrase every episode because then it's not really a catchphrase. I like. Yeah.

I like. No. Yeah. And I do. I like I've noticed that I like shows that end with like a catchphrase something look forward to like otherwise it's like why keep listening. I want to hear but I want to hear this guy say that thing that he always says. It's kind of fun.

Yeah. Michael Barbaro. See you tomorrow. That's cool. Exactly. And it's like usually natural and like sort of off the cuff and it becomes a thing. Yeah. But we're trying to shoehorn it in after the fact eight years later.

It's time for your catchphrase. Not shoe and I don't even like using the C word catchphrase. Yes you do. You said I'm going to I'm going to introduce a catchphrase. You do like using that word but it's fine. Go ahead. Say your statement that you say every time starting right now. Yeah.

And this is only if people like enjoy it. I'm I'm all years. I'm down to here. No one else has this much like run up to the fucking saying right. They just say you said it's off the cuff. You said it's easy. It just rolls off the tongue. People look forward to you saying it not you leading up to saying it.

So just I'm out. Do you even know? I do. I was about to say I was about to say no. I'm trying to like give I'm trying to give it a beat. So like it's a palette cleanser and then it goes into the catchphrase. Yeah. Okay.

I didn't realize this and I don't want to like don't don't think we're going to I'm not. Yeah. Yeah. I won't say I don't want to like start workshopping it. I'm going to say it and we're going to go straight into the fucking theme song. I'm going to cut your mic. Oh my god.

They just fucking say it. Say it whenever if you're cutting my mic. All right. Ready. No, but go ahead. Now I'm like nervous because you're staring at me. Do you usually look at me when we record? Yes.

Yes. I stare at you the entire time. Peace out and don't forget you're laughing. I can't I obviously can't launch a fucking catchphrase like this. I'll just do it next time if you're not I am laughing. You you were so quick to blame me. You knew you were like as you were saying it. You were seeking something to fucking blame it on that you were that you were

fucking that you're fumbling that you're failing. You're flailing right now. You're drowning. You're up the river without a paddle. Can I say can I say this is Jake and Amir and we're where you're reminding you to or do you want not do not want anything to do with this shit? Say whatever you want. Whatever you want.

Okay. I'm giving you absolutely no parameters. Blue sky anything you say goes and that's why that's why you're going to look as dumb as you possibly can when you can't come up with a catchphrase. That's good. Okay. I'm not restricting you at all. All right.

Ready? Yes. This is Jake and Amir. We're out and we're reminding you to count your blessings and count your raisins. Peace out everybody. Take care. Godspeed. And if I don't see you tomorrow.

Let's hook. Let's link up the day after next. You're rambling. Don't forget to. You're rambling. This isn't a catchphrase. It's not a catchphrase. It's fucking three words or something nearly, nearly done before you cut me off.

And now I feel like I literally have to start from scratch. Good. Good. Count your blessings and your raisins. No. Did you like any of that? I really did not. Did any of that invoke something interesting?

No. Like how when you were a kid you had a little box of raisins and it's kind of fun to get your fingers sticky in that shit. Does it evoke anything? Yeah. No. You're trying to spoon food me exactly what the catchphrase meant. It didn't.

That's a really, that's a really kind of a deep pull the count your raisins because it reminds you of being a kid and having a little box of raisins. I think it's a stretch. Yeah. How about this? I'm not even saying the first one isn't the new catchphrase. I'm saying like that's the leader in the clubhouse. But see if you could do this one.

If see if you could take this out for a spin slash have it on. Try it on for size. Go ahead. All right. Thanks for noodling with us everybody. Bad, bad. I went. Yeah.

I wasn't sorry. You weren't done. Cut me off. You weren't done. Thanks for noodling us. Thanks for noodling with us everybody. I prefer pasta but you can have the spaghetti. Peace out.

Love you guys. It's not a catchphrase if it goes on. It's two different fucking thoughts. All right. How about just the spaghetti thing and then you said peace out. Love you guys. How about just peace? I don't think just peace.

I don't think it's enough. There's not enough there. Exactly. Catchphrase. You can't just say peace. That's why I did the noodles. That's why I did the raisins. I think I'm just angry or something like that.

Yeah. Why don't we call it? You're very kid focused. Good. Let's call it. Let's absolutely call it. How about that? Hey guys, thanks for listening.

Why don't we just call it? I don't think because that's kind of like depressing. It sounds like you're giving up. It ends it on a whimper which is the whole point. That's why I wanted to do a catchphrase at the end. Ended on the up. You know. Yes, exactly.

I'm trying to think on a good. Now you're trying to think. I'm glad you're trying to think now after fumbling through like three different shitty. This went so differently in my head. Yeah. What did it do in your head? You said something.

It was perfect. I applauded it. Trended on Twitter. Yeah. It went viral. Like it reached beyond sort of like with the dating app. We wanted to reach beyond our scope. I want people to be like talking about raisins as like they're a thing.

And so it sounds like you do want to just lean in and choose the rate. Count your blessings and your raisins. That one's. Count your blessings and your raisins. It's dumb, but at least it's unique. It's short. It's something only you have ever said. And that's good.

Let's call it there. OK. All right. Thanks again to Danny. Appreciate you guys for listening to the show. Count your blessings. Count your raisins. Peace out.

We love you. Awful. I'd rather do this to do. If I were you, it'd be fine. It's what I'd do. I'd rather do this to do. I'd rather do this to do. I'd rather do this to do.

I'd rather do this to do. I'd rather do this to do. I'd rather do this to do. I'd rather do this to do. That was a hit gum original.