If I Were You - 498: iCarly (w/Max and Ivan!)

Episode Date: July 26, 2021

Headgum's newest podcasters, Max and Ivan join us to discuss guilty pleasures, open relationships, and their new show "SOUND DEALS."Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a Head Gum Original. J.A. Nagy for five It's a five out of five I'm not the gold of mine I won't say if I were you It's on Monday night It's a five out of five At least on UK time

I did say if I were you If I were you If I were you It's an American I can't tell the difference if it's a Brit or an American singing Is that a common musical phenomenon even there? I would say that there was a clear moment in my childhood when it went I think for a while all pop music sounded I think basically English people were being American when they sung

When we were growing up And then it kind of veered the other way and people were like No, we're going to have aggressively English accents that We're gonna sing like this Oh yeah, you were thinking of Lily Allen Oh yeah, I was thinking of the Arctic Monkeys It used to get it in your fishnet Oh, I didn't even know that they were British

Did you not? No Alex Turner has since kind of gone American and gone obviously mad Which is like the correct rock and roll thing to do But no, he's got that cut Have you heard his speech? He's like this rock and roll just doesn't end this rock and roll No, I've not It's poetic, poetic crazy

It's exactly what you want, it's what our leading front men need Sitting around normally They need to be off on a spiritual journey of great self-destructiveness That's right We need to live through these guys Ideally I wish we were playing a game where we listened to songs and Jake and I would have to guess Is this person British or American?

That's for next time Unfortunately, I didn't think about that game until now Okay, so I'll just sing Okay, you're going to sing a song in the style of the singer Wait, you're going to sing it in the style of the singer or you're going to sing one of their songs? Both Okay And then you've got to guess

Okay, so this is an acapella karaoke bridge And for some reason the only song that comes to my head at this particular moment is I know a girl with a golden touch What's that? It has to be with lyrics like that That was British That was absolutely Especially coming out of your mouth

A golden touch Why do you think that's quintessentially British? Do you think it's like it's old Cockney Street slang? Actually, I think it was... Oh, no, wait, no, I'm totally... Yeah, no, it's British It is indeed British I believe that is razor light

It is razor light Did you just take a sip of tea? I mean, my God, you're tipping your hand That was... What is that? Is that an old cup? Listen, governor, when you're recording a podcast in London town You've got a banger gong

And then the mare comes out of his wooden hut And he sings the national anthem thrice He sings it thrice and that's a British song And make no mistake about it We can't have a British guest on with me just fantasizing about the accent Like, I'm never going to be over the accent I don't know what it is They talk different

They talk different than us And it's fascinating Well, listen, we'd like to be hospitable We could swap accents for the entire podcast if you like Wow, can you do your American though? Okay, great, well, so we're here with Jake and Amir It's great to have you guys on the podcast Thank you so much for coming

Hey, Simon LA Yeah And I'm... Well, I'm not And I've got a golden touch Oh, no, it's my... Sorry, it was so convincing Convincing until the quintessentially British catchphrase came out

What about Adele? Oh, yeah, Adele Adele does have... I'd say Adele sings with... She's got an amazing dichotomy Because she sings with this kind of unplaceable transatlantic Probably slightly American-y voice But then she talks like a little streeter

I'm from Tottenham, I'm from... Yeah, I'm Adele, she's great I think that's partly why everyone loves her so much Wow, I had no idea I had no idea I thought she was from Michigan Yeah, right? No way

I mean, she could be... She's like, she's huge She's the best, but yeah Alright, so this is an advice show Wait, did you tell... Did you say who wrote the song? We often forget to give the... We solicit songs from fans

They do amazing work And then about half of the time We don't thank them for giving them credit Yes, that's correct No, at the moment, the only person who's been credited thus far Is Razorlight's Johnny Burrell And I think that needs to be... I'm really hoping that he wrote this song

Because... It all ties it up in a neat bow Then there'll be egg on your face This was... It was Joe Wackett from the UK That's why I chose that song specifically He says he has some great music Up on Spotify SoundCloud

Under the name Joe Wackett W-A-C-K-E-T-T So if we can shout it out And shout out to my brother George Who's watched every Jake and Amir episode twice Wow, thank you, Joe And George A Joseph and a George combo

A Joseph and George English and a double act I couldn't hear the accent there either He's sort of an Adele type Yeah, he's more of an Adele than a JB We can move on from that Alright, we're looking for... We're reading real emails from real people

This is, I should say, if I were you An advice show Sometimes just me and Jake Answering questions Sometimes we have friends Today we have Hedgum's newest podcasters Again, from...

It is London, right? You guys are in London right now Absolutely We are in London right now Fuck, yeah Alright, from London, Max and Yvonne Oh, yeah Buckingham Palace podcast studio itself

This is a question sent from a man An American man born in 1991 I don't know if that helps color This vision of this man in your mind's eye But we need a fake name Something we can refer to him as So that we can keep him completely anonymous So either Max or Yvonne

Do you guys have an American man's name We can call this guy Chad Great You're saying there's no chads Over there? No, it's absolutely not There is not

Also, whilst... It's just a very quick question, sorry Talking about American names In my school, we had two Americans Come over for one term And one of them, a boy, was called Carol And we all... Bullied him

Yeah, we all bullied him Because it was a girl's name But his argument was It was a boy's name Because double R, double L, dude So I just wanted to double check Is double R, double L, Carol, a boy's name No, you were right to make fun of that man

He had a girl's name He didn't even have a name It was important for you to sort of shame him Carol with two R's and two L's Isn't a spelling of anything That's... Yeah He should have been bullied for the extra letters

That they threw in there Yeah, I think the letters is what does it for me Carol is a surname I've heard Carol as a surname With two R's and two L's Yeah, absolutely It was twins called Carol and Perry Interesting

Anyway, onto Chad Well, hold on I feel like now that we've established that Carol was rightfully bullied We should probably try to reach back out So Amir and I can bully him as well There was a famous actor in America named Carol O'Connor Who played Archie Bunker in the 70s and 80s And his name was Carol, indeed, with two R's and two L's

But this guy shouldn't have relied on people knowing that So yeah, let's go back to bullying him, indeed Okay I respect that even as Evan starts to mount that he has a valid name Your thesis remains ultimately unchained Despite this evidence Let him know that we do know about Carol O'Connor And that's more the exception in the rule

It's the exception that proves the rule We actually considered it Yeah, we considered it And you don't have a name You don't have a name or a leg to stand on You don't have a name to us 100% Anyway, let's call this guy Chad

Chad? Chad Carroll Chad Cow Recently, the TV show iCarly was revived on Paramount TV I was a little too old to watch the show And it came out originally But my little sister liked it So whenever I came home from college, we would watch it together

And it's a small place in my heart Which is why I would like to watch the revival When I brought it up to my wife That we need a subscription to Paramount TV to watch iCarly She said that we didn't need another subscription to a streaming service She also kind of teased me for wanting to watch iCarly I will admit it's a guilty pleasure But the more she teased me about it

The more I felt lame wanting to watch it And at the end she said go for it But now I'm starting to think Maybe I should not be watching iCarly Should I just watch the revival open or proudly Or watch it at night once my wife goes to sleep Ready to change the channel if she were to enter the room Or should I just forget about it

I've been watching clips of the revival And I feel like I'm missing out Thanks for all your help Thanks Love Chad A.K.A. Carol

Oh, Carol's a nickname, not a surname Yeah, Carol's a nickname Three R's Five L's Okay, great Did you guys have this show over there? iCarly Or is that a purely American thing that didn't make its way?

I vaguely am aware of iCarly But just as a name So could you explain to us what it is? Yeah, can you? Were you a fan? I was also a little... I was too old I was a little too old

Is iCarly the same as Hannah Montana? Like that range of shows Where it was like a Disney afternoon show In the early 2000s, I think Yeah, I think that's... I didn't... I also... I just missed iCarly

I was like Tail End's sweet life of Zach and Cody That was the last thing I saw Right But the larger issue is Should this man be ashamed to watch this children's show And should he pay for Paramount TV Which is a new subscription service To watch it

Got it And iCarly... Does it matter? I'm still not fully clear on the premise Does it matter what the premise was? I mean, no I have no idea what it's about But I believe it was starring Miranda Cosgrove

Who is a Disney tweenager And Maybe she had a vlog And some friends That's my guess That's what I would guess That's that Okay, let's build this out

This is good It was internet It was internet rated Because it was like iCarly She was like the first lady that like Yeah Either webcasted Or maybe she was

Trapped inside of a computer No, here's the log line Unless you guys want to build it out Because I have the answer So... Okay, what's the answer? The answer... Let's get into it

I want to know the truth Okay, Carly and her pals' web show is a smash hit Now they must balance internet stardom With the struggles of everyday high school life There you go I feel like the four of us Could really relate to that We're four dudes that had

Internet web shows That were smashing successes And it was hard for me to balance High school life At the height of Jake and Amir Because I was, you know, Seven years removed from high school But still

You're 27 Definitely not high school life for you, right? I was hanging out at them So it was hard to balance Yeah For sure Well, likewise, look, I mean, guys Look, you know, the first two episodes

Of our podcast dropped an hour ago And life just hasn't been the same Since, yeah, it's like... Pretty exciting Now that sound deals is on... It's on the radio waves How will you guys go back to high school? It's gonna be so different

Well... It's a get-like, yeah We're gonna have to limit Our regular visits to high schools now I'm worried they won't let me in Yeah They probably shouldn't It's been...

They definitely should not let you in Regardless of the party Even if you go once or twice Yeah, no, I agree We're all on the same page But should our boy Chad Be allowed in to the wonderful world of Kali? I guess, broader speaking

Do you guys have a guilty pleasure That you like watching While you're significant to others Not in the room? Is there a show that you save for solo viewing? Pornography A group viewing? Yep, pornography

I haven't seen that show But it sounds pretty good What streaming service is that on? iPorn Yeah, I remember that iPorn's probably the one I've not heard of that one I think I watched the majority

Of my professional wrestling In a solo capacity Yeah, sports is a common one Yeah Yeah, it's been... You know, girlfriends have been Like obliging over the years And like giving it a go

But I almost feel bad at their Like extending themselves And the goodwill of them sitting down At like the Royal Rumble When I'm excitedly like And it's basically 30 people And honestly, all of these stories I mean, it just culminates

In this incredible, you know No one else should have to deal with mine On a disappointment scale If a wife were to walk in And find a husband watching A, pornography B, professional wrestling Or C, iCarly

Which do we think would be The most disappointed? Well, obviously, your wife Walked in on you masturbating To professional wrestling the other day Which was... I mean, that was a separate... I'm glad you went with that

And not iCarly Quite, no, no, no So, she's... She's laughing at him For watching a girl's show, right? But she's having a laugh I've been a laugh Sorry?

Yeah? I feel like it... Oh, Maxine Yvonne just actually froze So... Okay, we'll stop that You guys froze for a second But it was... It happened right at Jake's accent

So it seemed like you were Just sort of really, really mad at him Saying that No, not at all It's... Well, we're getting a sense Of saying our connection is unstable It's because we got...

We got steam powered internet In London, Governor So it's... You know, we got top up them Throw some more coal Onto the router Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yes, so let's just see

Your genuine reaction, Jake Let's hear that line again Just so we can see How they actually... I think what I said What I had said was You haven't laughed Yep, they laughed

Yeah, they actually... Really? It's great, it's beautiful Yeah Can we get another... Just another sentence? Anything? Yeah

What do you think, Governor? That's pretty good It's beautiful That's actually really good That's really beautiful, man Hey, thank you for sharing that Yeah, thank you for sharing that We got it

That was really proud I'm proud of you It's so weird Yeah, I feel privileged To have been a part of that I appreciate it It's crazy Yeah, I think it like...

You know, although you're... You know, it kind of really speaks To my British experience And makes me almost understand Myself more having heard that Wow I'm really glad That it feels like this

That created... It fostered a really powerful Connection between all of us I'm humbled by your reaction That's pretty... It's a moment It's pretty cool, man There it is

What was that? What was that? What's that? And we're out, I'm afraid That really... For me, that really... That actually kind of teated over Into what I would consider quite offensive

And I... Yeah, milked it I feel myself really Retracting away Totally And kind of damaged by That's going to happen When you...

When you do an accent On the razor's edge That's why you guys Loved it so much at first But I teetered I fell I pushed for the edge I found the edge

I fell into the abyss Yeah It's an iconoclastic kind of You know, you're... I'm an anti-hero Yeah, essentially That's your origin story Alright

So basically Is there any shame To watching a guilty pleasure? You don't have to feel... Everybody's got their things Whether it's professional wrestling Pornography I don't know

Jake, what do you watch When Jill's not around More than anything? It's... Oh, I watch Formula One Drive to Survive The Formula One documentary That I think is phenomenal

Yeah Everyone is really good It's really good But here's... But Jill doesn't like The loud noises on that show So I watch it by myself In the bath

And... In bath England But something... So I have some thought on this Is that Jill was watching that documentary Cheer And I wasn't interested

And I didn't want to watch That's... What is that? Yeah, a cheerleading documentary And I've heard it... Guys, I've watched it And it's amazing So get on board

And here's what happened Like, I wasn't interested Jill was watching I guess you could say It was kind of a guilty pleasure But it's like critically acclaimed So not really But anyway

I was just around I eventually get sucked in To the point where I was watching the last episode Knowing nothing And I fully cried So... So my...

I'm positing That this guy should sign up For the Paramount Plus Free trial You get seven days for free I did it to watch A Sonic Underground And he can burn through

The full season of iCarly Watch it publicly No shame And your girlfriend Is going to get sucked in And you won't have to worry About... Watching it alone

Sorry What is... What is Sonic Underground? For the D&D podcast I had to watch A Sonic the Hedgehog animated series Where he has a girlfriend And a brother

And Dr. Robot A brother? He has a brother named Manic How did you... This is... This is an interesting thing I'm just thinking The fact that you said

It was for something That kind of gave you an out If we, you know If we judged you For watching it for whatever reason I had to do it for work So this... That's good

You had to do it For work You had to get some sort of Job or assignment We can dare him right now To watch iCarly And then he has this out It wouldn't be hard

For him to get To be the iCarly writer For Buzzfeed Or AV Club Right? Yeah, you get on that beat Get a job Listen

I've written for magazines And papers in my time And all manner, you know It's the universe You've got to do it for work You've got to do it for work It's easy Yeah

Just get a stable job in the media Reporting on exclusively iCarly How far can I... You can expense your... You can expense your paramount subscription For one thing That's tax wise And you can binge it

You can binge the whole series Because you have a deadline Yeah And you have to watch it with her Specifically Because she has to sort of like Help you copy edit the piece That you're writing

For the New Yorker It's a co-byline It's a co-byline iCarly Oh, wow He got a gig at the New Yorker For this Yes

He really caught David Remnick On a good day He actually got a back door Listen He's got cartoons And then they pitched him To work on this iCarly

Can you... A reverent sort of cheeky Give him... Column about him and his wife Can you give him just a sample lead For this article that he's writing Like how would... What would the lead sound like?

It would be like My marriage was falling apart And when I realized that iCarly should be weCarly And it's like, whoa That's pretty This is all part of the lead Whoa, that's pretty interesting

And there's two Thought Wait Yeah, yeah, yeah So it's a quote attributed to I think the wife But I'm gonna have Just like my English accent

You had the at first I was really on board I was in, then I was out Then it became an attributed quote To someone else And then, yeah Then what I want to see Is the TV spin-off version

Which is based on this article On the New Yorker article In a kind of sex in the city Ask way that he's writing About iCarly So Chad becomes Carrie Bradshaw Yes

As a, yeah A classic New York columnist iCarly columnist Yeah In between meeting the gals It's called iiCarly Yeah Yeah

Because it's like Roman numeral 2 iiCarly With 2 Rs and 6 Ls I'm starring Chad O'Carroll Yes, starring Chad I have a very ignorant question Do you guys Do you guys have every streaming service

We have in America Without knowing for sure I will say 100,000% No, we don't Definitely no Because I keep seeing stuff That is available on HBO Max And we just don't have that

You don't have that We don't have that You couldn't even get it Like Hulu Netflix Do you have those Yeah, we got Netflix With a slightly different offering I think we have Hulu

I don't know I guess neither of us Have Hulu, clearly I know for a fact That the WWE Network Is now switching over to NBC's Pika Network Do you guys have Pika

In Which you do have No, we don't have Pika We still have the WWE Network I'm using the non-royal We to just mean Wow Disney

Disney Plus We got Disney Plus Yeah, we got Disney Plus Which now has its own Like extra bit inside it Doesn't it Like Disney's super VIP Premium or something

iCarly should be on Disney Plus That's good to know Wasn't it a Disney show Yeah, why would it You know the The fucking The bidding war That happens between these

Giant empires I think they probably Paid close to a billion dollars Paramount did For the rights to iCarly No doubt, no doubt Spend out sequels, residuals It's a huge industry

So that's it Get a job Learn how to watch Without any guilt And repercussion And try to get paid for it Let's take a break Yeah

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Headgun podcast You know Aura Frames Is sponsoring Not just this episode But the entire Headgun network, Jake Wow That's correct

I mean this might be The Goat Father's Day gift I think it actually is Yeah Yeah, not just Father's Day But if for any Not so tech-savvy family member That you need a gift for soon

These digital photo frames Might be the best of all time Yeah, for me personally These things are perfect I'll tell you why As you know I am expecting My first child We got one for Jill's parents

Oh wow We got one for Jill's grandma Holy smokes We got one for my parents So there are three of these bad boys In our family right now But they're great Really easy way to like

Stay in touch with your family You can upload as many photos as you want Directly into my parents' kitchen It's really nice Oh, that's cool So you take a photo of anything Perhaps a baby And then it goes to their digital photo

Yeah, frame This is actually how we told Jill's grandma She was pregnant We got her the aura frame We plugged it in Jill's grandma was pregnant Really nice asshole This was actually a really sweet moment

For me and my wife And you're trying to make a joke of it I was just being goofy a little bit Like this is how I told my grandma She was pregnant Yeah, kind of like she misheard it Or something like that Or the way you said it was kind of like

Could go either way By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant Oh my god Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant It's pretty cool And you told me with a digital photo frame Holy smokes And we let her know with an aura

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And now back To the Head Gum podcast You were listening to And we're back Alright, Max, Yvonne Tell us quickly You have, let's say, 45 minutes What is sound deals about

As a podcast? But you got to keep it within the 45 Yeah No one's ever asked us to compress it To that length of time before Alright Is it even worth giving it a go Within those parameters?

Let's give it the best of British I'll start the timer now And cut you off In an hour and a half Okay, great I've been going too long We will give it the best of British It is a...

Do you guys have QVC? Yes Yeah Great It is a QVC style show We took it upon ourselves Overlocked down to set up The world's first ever podcast

Shopping network We are both gainfully employed By the shopping network And each week we sell A number of items that people may Not have heard of before We sell them as best we can And we have guests on

Who also have exciting Potentially unheard of things That they share with the world too It's mainly aimed at podcast fans Who they skip through To the adverts And then they listen to that And then they just

Go to a different podcast And then they skip to the adverts again Yes, the entire... I mean the entire show Is nothing but an advert The entire time So if it's the commerce side Of the emergent podcast industry

That you get off on Then you will absolutely adore our show Alright Our fans actually famously love the ads I often hear that people don't... That the show doesn't have enough ads So it sounds like your show is perfect I mean that's why it felt like a perfect partnership

That's why, you know The Max Navan, Jake and I My headgun marriage felt like one made In commercial heaven Americans love cash, that's why They love to hear that people are making money Getting that paper, making that cheddar And so...

That's why they call it The American Dream Those two things Yeah, it's just awesome to see It's inspiring really Like I'm reading these comments About our podcast And how the ads are so good

And I'm like On the verge of tears Being proud again Here I go I can't fucking believe I guess it's that time of the month Or something But I'm feeling super sensitive

To all this shit With regards to the ads And it's just the feedback Is so fucking promising Thank you guys And thank you guys for listening And thank you Max Navan For being part of the journey with us

You shouldn't be reading the comments While we're recording the episode It's beautiful There's nothing more touching Than... I'm getting them in as push notifications Capitalisms 100%

100% It's a beautiful... How's that capitalism going Over there? Is it as unfiltered, unadulterated And chaotic as it is here? Or are you guys a little more chill About the fact that you should make money

As much money and then die? I would say No one in England Has kind of managed to Mainline capitalism quite as hard As the Uber driver Who drove us round LA And no fewer than four times

Turned back to us And repeated the phrase I'm a monster for the money, man I'm a monster for the money And then when he found out that we were actors He gave us his headshot Yes, indeed And he told us that he too

Was an actor Absolutely And a monster for the money So we're still number one That's what you're trying to say Oh, nobody does it better Than you guys We're giving it a go

Our government's pretty Pretty free market capitalists They're kind of doing it on the sly Gradually replacing our famous And beloved socialized healthcare system With just a series of profit making Private companies that will kill us all But we're nowhere near as far down the line

On that front We're trying And we're hoping that our podcast Will contribute to that journey Of our country And the degradation of Become a monster Monster for the money

Yes, we're not yet monsters for the money We're currently Dr. Jekyll's For the money But we'd like to become Mr. Hyde's For the money You're Bilbo Baggins right When he reaches for the ring For the money

We're hoping the money will allow us To become more monstrous That's the quest that we're I was going to say You see it working out so well in America And I don't blame you guys For wanting that out there as well For us we have no

You know, no criticisms Not a single thing makes us blink Or think that a country should be run In any way differently To literally everything you guys Are doing We all have no notes For us it's just that from this studio

It's a big old tit guys We want to get into production you know what I mean So yeah, we love that The character arcs are all pinging It's jumping off the page We're pitching a perfect game It feels pretty cool This is Shaq's style behaviour

From you guys as a country USA Totally This 400 year experiment Is working out And it is paying dividends And it is good It's pretty neat

It is good Okay so on your podcast There is like There's a Is it a random word generator That gives you guys the products That you're selling Or is that

Really good question No, the random word generator's name is Hugh And he's my brother And he is also the sound engineer Of the show But our vision is that Is that eventually the sound deals

Listeners will start to contribute Products of their own We're able to sell those And we'll enthusiastically sell those And so will our guests That's nice That's the long term That's the long term plan

And is Hugh coming up with them on the spot Or is No, as far as I understand it He withdraws to his home And ingests quite a number of Substances And then The next day kind of emerges

Blinking into the daylight with a list But the crucial thing is We don't see We never see this list Because he's got to keep them He keeps them Keeps them stump Keeps them in his pocket

And then we get them flashed up And he doesn't tell you what the product is He doesn't tell you anything about What he thinks it does He just gives you the word or two words We figure it out on the spot What it is And why you should buy it

Absolutely Yeah I get quite paranoid I like to not have even a whisper Or a hint of Whereas I hack into Hugh's account I find out what it is Then I spend maybe in a couple of weeks

Brainstorm it Yeah So what you're actually listening to Is the world's first 50% improvised 50% a man Reactic to a script in his own mind That he's not shared with me Which is why we think you'll find

The listening experience very, very discordant And unsettling Because it truly makes no sense And we've got some great guests as well We sure do Yeah I mean between those two things I feel like there's something for everybody

We hope so Yeah It's totally off the cuff and improvised But I don't know A strange and magical world Has started to grow around the sound deals warehouse From whence we sell all of our products Interesting

The other key element of the show Is that Ivan, as part of his contract Agreed to test every single one Of the products on himself For 30 days The sound deals guarantee It's the guarantee So whatever product we have to be selling

In the warehouse, Ivan will have first-hand experience Of that bad boy And happily Well sweet Well thank you guys for joining the Head Gum Network And I'm sure if you guys like this show It's a little thrilling So Amir, you cut me off

We've actually got another 41 minutes To explain the show Oh my god I feel so rude But you know what I'm trying to get through as many ad breaks as possible That's why I'm sort of trying to hurry this along That's the sound deals way

We endorse that I applaud it We're a monster for the money, man We're monsters for the money, man We're monsters for the money How did you get the same Uber four times? That seems like some sort of weird coincidence He just worked very hard

You heard the guy, Amir Don't you believe him? If he drops you off and then waits He's gonna be the closest driver Yeah for sure I heard there was surge pricing around here Yeah, yeah, yeah He was the hardest working Uber driver

Now he was picking everybody up that day Alright, let's get through another question This guy is inquiring I think he's also British Because he ends it with a cheers mate So let's give this guy a British question Oh actually, a lady of British British name for this lady

A lady's British name Petunia Okay, a 90 year old lady What were you gonna go with? What was your... We can choose Well, what's quintessentially British though? Because I do feel like...

Elizabeth, the Queen's name The greatest name Sorry, I forgot to say Yeah, Lizzie Yeah, Lizzie I can see the tears welling in your eyes Even across this low resolution zoom She's done so much for the country

Lizzie, Lizzie She's so stoic Lizzie McGuire Yes Right I've been with my guy for 10 years, believe it or not 100% happy Recently I looked over his tabs on our shared computer

And saw that he's been subredditing Because he wants to open up our relationship I think he's into the idea because he's been going On a version of Buddhism recently And this feels like a natural progression Makes sense to me I've been in a polyamorous relationship before And it suits me well

My question is, assuming he brings it up Should I go for it knowing it would make me happy But also fearing that he may not be able to handle it In the long run I really, really don't want to ever break up with him Personally, I think it would be dope and possible But for our long term odds, should I say no Or is this a Yolastico situation

You only live and steal the cheese once Is the acronym there What would you do if you were me? Cheers mates, love Lizzie Cheers indeed Cheers indeed Cheers, Lizzie Not where I thought it was going

What a rollercoaster There were twists and turns in that message I could not have predicted Any of the things that were said Absolutely And I love you, Lizzie Do you guys Do you guys have open relationships over there?

It seems like another American concept That sort of is infiltrating other democracies Open relationships Not a Buddhism concept Like Lizzie mentioned Yeah Well that was one of the many twists His tab, what it was

Then the fact that she was into it The fact that he was into it by Buddhism The fact that she was worried But not for the reason I thought Because she's way more up for it than he is Or she perceives that she might be This is like an episode of iCarly I know, right?

One of the later seasons When they were over 10 or something I feel like, you know I feel like the Zennials of the UK Are like all in one big open relationship That's a guess I feel like Millennials such as we Are kind of dimly aware of

The open relationship vibe But it hasn't really permeated And then I think you go older And there are slightly sweaty men With pony tails on kind of yoga retreats Who sort of attempt to be in an open relationship With anyone who'll go near them Yeah, they're down for an open relationship

But can't find even one closed one They're just open Open two open relations Yes, they're vaguely predatory men I suppose But it sounds as though Lizzie and her fella Are both British And both exploring the brave

I was gonna say uncharted It sounds like they're both charting these terrains Yeah, Lizzie charted it Lizzie was charting this thing And she charted it so happily That she's worried that he can't keep up Oh, yeah No, she's been on that

Buddhism open relationship tip Since before this guy was even interested Via subreddit Yeah And forgive me for my total ignorance But what on earth does Buddhism have to do With open relationships? Because I kind of thought zero

Well, the Buddha speaks very highly Of loving all things equally Whether it be man, animal, plant And it goes on from there I spent like a few years in Tibet studying this stuff No, you did not Kind of being like a freelance monk A freelance monk

Nice You didn't want the monk corporate nine to five Monk life in a big firm I mean, it was a little too much And there wasn't a lot of money in it So cash wise, I was sort of turned off At the end of the day that the Buddha Did not necessarily line up with my values

You were Airbnb in your room at the monastery, right? To try to make a change on the side Yes, right, yeah, yeah I was leasing it out to Tibetan music festivals And video producers Well, it was a huge, it was a huge room, wasn't it? Yeah Gigantic room

An enormous room, yeah They gave me the sickest suite It was like a two-bedroom sort of place Hillside with views of Buddha So I was like set up pretty cherry over there Yeah, free Tibet? No, surged Tibet Surge prices

That's right Yeah So if she really, really does not want to lose her man It seems like she shouldn't risk this open relationship She knows more than we do It could be great That's crazy I mean, all I'm hearing is two people

Who clearly bang up for an open relationship I mean, the sense to me When I became an expert Having watched one Louis Thru documentary About open relationships Is that there's almost always one party Who is clearly, clearly way more into it And the other one is kind of there under duress

And what I like about this potential relationship Is that I think this guy Is going to be stepping into it Thinking that he's more into it But then lo and behold, Lizzie Well, is it Amps it up Yeah

But surely that means he's Maybe he will want to match the amount she's into it Match it by finding other partners And just gradually driving a wedge between them As they essentially end up in separate bedrooms With separate lovers or Okay, well, if that's what you think Polly life is

Whoa, okay Slightly I love this Sorry, man Sorry, man It seems you've touched enough Now tell me about I mean, I really don't know

Because I am married to one woman For the rest of my life And I'm How old school I'm pretty sure I'm pretty sure there won't be any subreddit Scrolling And I'm pretty sure there won't be any conversations

No, there won't So I don't know But you know, I do feel like Ultimately If they're both on a quest together Then they can fulfill each other Yeah Yeah

That's beautiful For sure Like Sartre I mean, it's wrong, but it's really beautiful It's really cool You gotta just both go for it, right? Isn't Buddhism all about the death of the ego? So

Only when you are, you know Stood in a bar watching your girlfriend on a date With someone else Or receiving your fourth text message of the week Saying, ah, have dinner on your own I'm busy Only then will you truly know to what extent You have annihilated your ego

Or to what extent it's just getting a A pummeling with steel toe cap boots Yeah Alright, how about a quick What would you do if you were this lady? I would say I would not open it up It seems too sticky This girl seems to really like this guy

And why risk it? So I would say no go Jake I would 100% do it He wants it She wants it The only problem is that it's going to be too good for her So that's not a real problem

Alright So that's one for one against Yeah, kill the ego M and I Feed the Buddha Unleash the Buddha within you If I were her, I would give him One chance at a get out

I'd sit across the table and go I found your tabs Don't panic I'm down But look me in the eye I am down Can you keep up? They need a safe word to just stop

Yeah, like if you want it, we can do it And if not, I don't have to It's over to you baby Yeah, she should download Download Bumble or Hinge or Tinder Or Orion, our dating app And build out a profile Get a ton of matches

Be your boyfriend or whatever Your husband, whatever it is And just be like, are you ready? Do I have the green light? Let's go Sorry, those tabs weren't mine My friend was using my art computer What?

Yeah, maybe she should wait for him To broach the subject just in case And wait for him to be ready to open it up But then have that caveat in her back pocket That's pretty prudent That's very prudent If it gets broached, she's ready But Lizzie and your man, I wish you well

I think it's an exciting time for you both Alright, good work Let's take one more break We have one more question to get through On the other side of these massages Not just joking, they're messages Right, nice This show is sponsored by BetterHelp

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Thank you, Squarespace And we have returned Okay, one last one This is a pretty fairly innocuous question But I thought, you know Let's answer questions big and small This one is a 25-year-old woman from Dallas, Texas And what better name for her than

Max Rivan What do you got? Just for the listener at home Ivan, to get himself into To get himself into character I'm watching him holding What is clearly an invisible Stetson

Yes, that's quite right A sombrero And I'm imagining that Ha, ha, ha Yes, that sounds like a 25-year-old Texan woman All your name suggestions are 90 How'd you do?

My name is Sally Sally Sally Not bad Not bad A long walk, but it was worth it Absolutely

It was a real journey then All right, listen to this Texan beginning Hey, y'all Classic so far I'm a 25-year-old woman from Dallas And my problem is so small My pandemic hobby has been crocheting And I've gotten pretty good at it

I've made lots of cute clothing items And I've posted it to my Instagram Because I'm proud of them My friends and family and acquaintances Have all been asking in the comments section In DMs for me to crochet them things Some even offer to pay But here's the thing

I don't want to make shit for other people This hobby's fun because there's no pressure I can make whatever I want And it doesn't have to be perfect Because it's my own The idea of making things for other people Kind of stresses me out And I legit don't want to make things for other people

I want to make them for me Is there a non-asshole way to tell people No Right now I'm just ignoring these requests Because people are starting to follow up What would you do? Help I absolutely love this

And can I instantly give you a potential Solve Yes Okay You find an Etsy shop That does basically what you're doing Then you say, hey look I don't want to advertise this

But because you've contacted me This is my Etsy shop It's under a different name But just go through that And then you just let them Buy something else I really thought you were about to say And then you broke a deal with the Etsy shop

So that you just get a load of money And refer to it And that is capitalism Monster for the money man I'm a monster for the money man You buy Etsy shit And you sell it at a fucking premium Or you do my first idea

Which is just pass on the business to someone else Just give it all away Perfect No That is excellent Absolutely Now we're fucking on the same page Yes, we corrupted you fully

Absolutely Let's do this shit Sally You've got to make that American dollar Everything's bigger in Texas Your bank balance needs to be bigger And you should not do a single bit of work You shouldn't lift a finger

You're crocheting for yourself only It's me, myself and I That's the American dream No one should benefit From your skills They should learn to crochet themselves It's disgusting And you get paid by being the middle man

That's how we make the money I broker the transaction And I get a fee That's the shit That's real work That's beautiful work Actually, you owe Yvonne 5% of everything you make for that

Just the suggestion I think Absolutely You have to Venmo him For sure Unfortunately, we don't have Venmo over here But, you know, if you just keep it in a little pot Give it to me And when I'm in Dallas

I'll come find you It'll be very soon Very, very soon Oh, he'll be over No doubt That was a quick one But I can't imagine a better answer than that James, do you have any quarantine hobbies

That you don't want to share with people? Quarantine hobbies Taking baths and watching race car documentaries That's been my main shit But, you know, I Instagram live that So I don't have a problem sharing it Nice That's content, for sure

By the way, check out Jake's OnlyFans He takes one bath every week Answers your question Sort of squeezes his little junk Underneath the suds Hey, hey, hey, hey Pack it all Cool it

Easy does that What? Squeezing my little junk under the sun Did you say? No, the suds The suds All right, cool Yeah, never mind

All right, I have no qualms with that then All right, sweet Thank you for your questions Thanks for the theme song submissions The email address for all that shit Is ifirishowatgmail.com Max and Yvonne, thanks for taking the time I'm in LA

Jake's in New York You guys are in England Holy shit, we did it Wow, we sure did We lived the dream It was an absolute pleasure Thanks, boys Again, the name of the podcast

The name of the podcast is Yes, the name of the podcast is Sound Deals and It Is Out Now First two apps, baby Damn, two episodes Hell yeah So listen to that And we'll be back, of course

I think we got another bonus episode Thursday this week And if not for that Then we'll be back next week on Monday Thanks so much Goodbye, namaste Cheers and toodaloo Everybody, oh wait

Cheerio, mate The closing theme song I totally forgot The opening theme song was Joe from the UK And this closing one I have it It's a duck themed song

Somebody wrote us a duck Thing themed song If you use it, please shout out Goon, Green and Claire Kampuzzi And their album, Duck Available on Bandcamp and Spotify Follow Goon.green on Instagram Probably more of an outro

Than an intro song Alright, so alright Thank you Yeah, thank you to Goon, Green and Claire Kampuzzi For that song Here it is Duck Thing

Bye Let me guess The duck, let me guess The duck, let me guess The duck thing Very wrong The second duck thing Sin and darts

Sin and darts, no Even if you work with a man like this That's a duck Yeah, we'll be down in a second Okay, I'm taking a hit on the duck thing The high school track fiasco thing And the second duck thing Kinda stemmed from the first duck thing

Which, correct me if I'm wrong You said you take the hit on That was a hit gum original