If I Were You - 501: Ya Boy!

Episode Date: August 16, 2021

Ya boys are back! In this episode we discuss broken vases, stolen mail, and your ex's sex's.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a Head Gum Original. Jake and T just had a test. Amir is the devil's advocate. Don't plead for the show's kind of dirty. Why won't Amir stop getting turties? Jake and Amir, they tell us what to do. Our problems are infinite. Unified for you.

From a Starbucks deck to bad impressions. Real advice with a thousand decorations. Jake and Amir, you fix everything by just being here. Phenomenal. Phenomenal theme song. Nice. This is If I Were You, the only advice pod on the web hosted by Yeah Boy. I'm Amir. Oh my god.

What a perfect fucking intro that you immediately ruin with your constipated Yeah Boy. I actually haven't. It's Yeah Boy. What the fuck? I haven't taken a shit a week. That was poison to my ears. That's why it did sound like.

I can't even do it again. Yeah Boy. You're pushing a fucking turd. I like investors. He's trying to have a bowel movement. That's all. Good boy. Come on.

A black marble trickles down my pants. It's so dense. Cracks your toilet, your first shit in a month. Good stuff. And also good stuff from Missy Faye who wrote that song. Missy Faye, I adored that theme song. Yeah, she's been watching us for nine years now. It was an order.

And even though I was already 20 when I started watching, I was an extremely underbaked 20 year old. My Instagram is its Missy Faye. And I'm a dreamy sort of soft rock musician from Vancouver. You guys have given me enormous amounts of joy over the years and I'm so grateful for the escape. You really do deserve so much more than this, perhaps a golden mic for each of you.

Random. I don't think so. Perhaps this is the episode that you boy gets a mic. That's Gwalden. You boy. I hate it. Make it a ringtone that I'll never pick up. A ringtone.

Do they still have those? Are those still a thing? I think so. I think so. I feel like most phones... My dad has a custom ringtone. Most phones are either silent or vibrate or definitely not. I haven't heard a ringtone in a while.

No, definitely. I don't like it when my phone rings. That's a bad look. That means something's gone awry. Do you keep yourself on do not disturb day to day, moment to moment? Or you vibrate when there's an alert? I'm a silent phoneer.

I'll put my phone on silent and I'm so often just staring at it that I'll see when it goes. Or I'm looking at it every four and a half minutes so I can call that person back. I'm a silent do not disturb, but I don't miss anything because it's always basically... The lead dad. I've never misplaced my phone because my phone's always on my person.

Yeah, I know. If you're looking for your phone, it's with Yeah Boy. Yeah Boy. It's staple to my thigh. Were you a Mophie? You used to have such a thick phone. Yes. I had a Mophie.

You had the phone with the Mophie case. Yeah. And that was also the era of tight jeans. Tight jeans with the Mophie. You had tight pants and a big phone. And at a certain point, the top of my Mophie was lost so I just had this giant battery to the bottom of it. Top just exposed.

Yeah Moph. Did they still make those or are phone batteries fine enough now that you don't need an external battery? I see them less. No. I see them less too, but they must still make them. I mean, there's no way because people still... Everyone's always looking for a charge.

Yeah. Nowadays, with the whole mostly being at home thing, I'm never far from a charger. I think that's what it is. That's what it is. I'm never away from home. COVID killed the Mophie. Yes.

And now COVID's coming back and that's going to make sure that our phones are constantly charged. I don't even charge my phone overnight anymore because I'm like, I'll just have it at my desk or whenever I need to charge it. Do you do an overnight charge? I have a charger by the bed, but if for some reason it's not there, like if I've gone to Connecticut

and didn't plug it in or whatever, I don't stress a... Oh yeah, there's also a switchable outlet in our room. Sometimes I like switched it by accident and my phone's not going to charge, so I won't fret that. I won't even get out of bed for that charge because it's not going to be a problem

to get me back up to a... HUNNO! And you do... A HUNNO! I keep it a HUNNO! All right. I keep it a HUNNO! What's it at now?

I don't have it on my person. I don't know where it is. Mine's at... But it's in the house. Mine's at 98, which is just too shy of a HUNNO. Yeah. Well, I keep it at a HUNNO.

That's cool. All right. This is a fire review. The only advice pod on the web hosted by us, Episode 500 is in the rear view now. We can focus on the next 500. Yeah. We are on our way to 1K.

Couldn't get there with the web series, but I think we can get there with the podcast. Dab on them. Dab on it so you know what's true. All right. We got a question from a lady who has a moral conundrum. She says this could almost be a testing testing. Shout out to our Thursday bonus episodes recently

in which we give each other quizzes. She said this one could be a good question for a morality quiz. Ooh. So why don't we call this lady morality? Very nice. That's really nice. How's that for a name? Morality Dickinson writes,

I'm currently subletting an apartment from a friend of a friend. I've only met the apartment owner once in passing so we're not super close. And the other night I was startled by a mouse in her kitchen and accidentally knocked over a porcelain vase. Do you say vase or vase? I think you say vase. It shattered everywhere.

I immediately panicked and researched the vase online. Luckily it's not one of a kind, but unluckily it is a designer item that costs hundreds of dollars. So I bit the bullet and I ordered a replacement to arrive in a few days. So my question is, am I morally obligated to tell the apartment owner what happened or can I just replace the vase and hide the body so to speak?

For some reason I feel this overwhelming guilt about pretending as if nothing happened and I know she'll never know, but it still feels dishonest as sheesh. Thank you for all you do, especially for recording constantly during the early lockdown days. The continuity of a new episode every week really helped me through the uncertainty.

Wow. Celebration hashtag Henry. Thank you. I should go back and listen to those episodes from March and April where we just like out of sorts despondent and noticeably depressed, I wonder. I noticed that you were sad. Really?

Yeah. But you were sort of whatever about it. You were even keel. You tried to be the rock of the podcast and not feel hyzer-lose. I was stressed and sad as well, but I feel like I just noticed that COVID was on your mind. Right.

Like I was preoccupied, but I wonder if we listen to like an episode from April 2020, will we be noticeably different sounding? Hmm. I think so. But actually, I mean, given the fact that we listened to episode one during the episode 500 and it sounded kind of the same,

you know, maybe not. Maybe it will be the same. Or maybe we're still in that COVID mindset. Right. And so like we haven't even snapped out. Yeah. I could be. Who knows?

What if I told you this thing that you're listening to right now is me from April of 2020? Would you believe that? I would believe that. Yeah. You would believe that. I would believe that. How?

How would you believe that? I just told you something insanely difficult to fathom that me right now is me from April of 2020. You're actually speaking to somebody from the past. That's awesome. And you would believe that? I would believe that. And I would tell you that.

Why would you believe that? I would ask you to invest in crypto for my app. Thank you. Or buy a cyberpunk. Thank you. Could you get me a... That's really good. I want a fungible...

All right, I want a fungible token, but I don't want it to be... I want it to be non-fungible is what I mean. Too many tokens are fungible. Do you hear what I'm saying? Yeah, it's not really me. I need an NFT from you past a year. If you buy that, we would be rich now.

Do you get that? Yeah. Do you know what a fungible token is? No, not really. Well, you need to find one that's non. Okay. That's the only thing you have to tell me. No other updates about the world at large.

Trump tries to steal the election, but it's fine for the most part. He didn't get to do it. So it's... Get me that. So get me an NFT punk. Now, ass. Speaking of telling people,

do you tell someone that you replaced their vase? I feel like the two... I think this person... I think morality is being very moral, perhaps overly moral, because I feel like there's two different paths. One is if you don't want to replace this thing, you could come clean and be like,

I'm so sorry, I broke the vase. I will buy you a new one. And then the hope is that they say, don't worry about it. It was really expensive. It was a gift. Yada, yada. But I feel like you come clean if you want that like,

that small chance of not actually having to replace the vase. What this person did was actually really nice. They were like, I'm not going to like, fess up and have a weird conversation about like, if I can afford it, I'm not going to put them in that place. I'm just going to replace like for like, in kind, replace the vase in kind.

And I don't think, since you took the onus, you put it on yourself. I don't think you have to say that you replace the vase. You ate the cost. Yeah, but you should have, what if she steps on a piece of porcelain pooter? Well, you have to clean it. I mean, they have to do the work correctly.

You get the new vase, you clean up all of the mess, you hide everything or you fix everything. And then you've done the work. So you don't have to have the sad part happen, which is the conversation. I think you do replace the vase, but then on the way out, it's like,

by the way, I'm a dumbass and I forgot to realize that you'd wreck me a mouse-infested apartment. I'm not paying for this shit. It actually startled me to the point that I broke a vase, which I did replace and I'm taking that money. In kind. I replaced it in kind, actually.

What does that mean? Like for like, the same vase, at the very least the same style. It was the same type of vase. The vase that I got. I got your vase at a 76 gas station. Where did you get the original one? At a Gucci store.

It was $7,800. What's Gucci with her? She's all that. See, you would not say anything. I would say something because I would feel too bad. I would also not really feel too bad, but I would be afraid that I would get caught. Yeah.

And really the fear of getting caught is more important than being quote-unquote moral. Because it's honestly, like when you say I want to do the right thing, you don't want to do the right thing. You just want to get away with this fucking crime. And if she looks at a fucking nanny cam and sees that you broke something

and she calls you out on it, you're stuck. You don't know whether to continue digging a hole or not. Shout out to our animated series on Patreon. Stuck. That's right. Shout out to Stuck. New episode this week.

Great plug. Check that out as well. Very cool plug. Thank you. Appreciate it. Yeah. You paid for it. You replaced it.

In kind. In kind. But I feel like this person is, the guilt is eating her alive. So I think she should say something. She can't get in trouble. I'm helping with the guilt. I don't think it needs to eat you alive.

I think you've done the right thing by replacing the vase in kind. Yes, I know. I know you think it was done in kind. It was done in kind. It was kind of where to do it. All right, cool. Let's take a break.

Thanks to sponsors. Come back and answer some more questions on the other side of these massages. Yeep. Yeep. Thank you to Helix Sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yes.

Thank you for making the sleep test, the sleep exam, and letting me ace it and become the doctor of the mattress. Yes, sir. Yeah. So Helix makes a really great mattress line and you take a little sleep quiz to see what mattress is right for you.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, right. Jake's been bragging about completing this two minute, honestly, like Buzzfeed light quiz. I know how to sleep for the better part of a decade. Excuse me. I do not brag. I don't brag about completing it.

I brag about acing it. Because you got the mattress and it was great. Yeah, I got the perfect mattress. Thank God. Thank God I took that test. That's right. And if you want the perfect mattress, you can go to helixsleep.com.

If I were you for 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows. Amazing. Free pillows? Come on. Yes, this is their best offer yet and no, it won't last long with Helix. The better sleep starts now.

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Amazing. Thank you, Helix. Sleep well. Thank you to stamps.com for sponsoring this episode of our show. Visiting the post office and dealing with shipping and handling is probably one of the most stressful parts of owning a business. But with stamps.com, all you need is a computer and a printer and they can bring the post office in your office.

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Wow. No long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to stamps.com. You click the microphone at the top of the page and enter code if I were you. And that gets you a free four week trial, free postage and a digital scale. That sounds pretty good.

Thank you, stamps.com, for sponsoring this show. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a lift. It's a lift. Mom, I'm coming. Gross. Eggs.

Hmm? Eggs. Are you the Eggman? Nice. Cuckoo cuckoo, Jake. Are you the Eggman or not? I've been fucking around with some hard boiled eggs. Actually, medium boiled eggs.

Whoa. In the morning. In the AM. That's your breakfast? It's really easy. Yeah. It's easy. It's filling.

It's tasty. It's a simple cleanup. It's really, it's a near perfect food and egg. Well, I agree with eggs in general because they're very quick and easy to make. Like even just frying an egg is quick and easy and fill you up and I think it tastes good. But sell me on the hard boiled slash medium boiled.

Do you have to do that fresh or can you pre-do that? You can pre-do that. You can leave a hard boiled or a medium boiled egg in your refrigerator for years. I mean, it'll go bad after a week, but yeah, you can definitely leave it there to rot and spoil. That would be fun.

No, it's in your fridge. You can make them for like a few days for the week maybe. Okay, so how long are you putting these eggs in boiling water? I set a timer for eight minutes. And I think some people swear by this. Swear by the seven minute.

I mean, the less time you do it for, the runnier your yolk will be. So you can kind of find your sweet spot. Got it. For me, that's eight minutes. It's not dripping, but it's not. Okay. It's not like chalk texture.

Yeah, it's not the chalk. It's a little more gooey. It's gooey. It's a nice little gooey egg. Are you pre-peeling? Sorry, I'm asking a question. Pre-peeling? Pre-peeling the eggs to put them in the fridge.

Or do you want me to peel it every morning? I don't pre-peel the eggs and put them in the fridge. I put them in the shell and put them in the fridge. You're boiling how many? Six-ish, eight-ish, putting them in the fridge? I'll do four. And I'll have two and then ask Jill if she wants one. And then I have a snack or a light breakfast

for the next day. I'm not doing six and having the eggs for the whole week because I don't want my life to be that planned ahead. I like a day or two. That's kind of the max. So you are... I can change it up. In the morning, you eat two hard-boiled eggs.

You just peel it, shove it in your mouth. Are you taking a bite and biting it in half? Are you seasoning the egg? I do. Are you treasoning the egg? I'm not treasoning the egg. That's what you do a little espionage. I would never, I would never spy on the egg

and I would never tattle on the egg and I would never back... I'm no Benedict eggs Arnold. Nice. You mean eggs Benedict Arnold. God damn it, man. I was fucking my brain not quite sharp enough but it was there.

Call me an eggs Benedict Arnold because I treason my eggs. How's that for a joke in terms of... Yeah, if you go viral on TikTok for that, I would, I'd really like to see that. I would like to see that. Would that earn me anything hardware-wise? Are you...

That's not yet to be decided yet. No. That wouldn't earn anything hardware-wise because it's happening outside the podcast. And it was a joke we collaborated on. So the fact that you're trying to spin that into fucking silverware for you, it's tacky.

Okay. And I do season the eggs with salt lightly and I eat them hunched over the sink lest they dribble onto the counter. And are you biting into it in half or are you just shoving the whole thing in? That's breakfast. I do a non-peel, eat the shell, hard boil

straight out of the fucking saucepan. Boiling hot. It's amazing. It burns and it's sharp. No, I do a... It's two bites. Two bites, maybe three. And you prefer that?

You prefer that to scrambling two eggs? I prefer that to scrambling eggs because then I don't have to clean a frying pan. I don't have to scrub anything. I don't have to take out a fork and a plate. This is like a very... It's a very lightweight meal. There's not a lot of accoutrement associated with it.

Is that your entire breakfast, the two eggs? Sometimes I'll do two eggs and a piece of prejout or some sliced turkey. So it's like eggs and some meat, but all eaten with my hands over the sink. I wouldn't necessarily recommend that. What I recommend is the... The sink part seems optional.

All of my breakfast I eat with my hands. I'm not sitting down for breakfast. I need to be eating on the go. I'm walking and eating. That's the Emma. Well, the eggs I eat over the sink right before I leave. But yeah, it's just in general cooking medium boiled eggs. I do something similar,

but I go banana every morning for breakfast. Very quick, fills me up on the go. Every morning. I need to clean up after myself. You do every morning a banana for breakfast. Yeah. I kind of don't feel ready to eat until like 11 or noon, except for a banana.

A banana I feel like I can have right away with water. That's kind of... I have a banana about half. I feel like my three breakfasts are hard boiled eggs, bananas, or croissants. And I'm trying to do the croissant as little as possible, but that's what I always want. The croissant is the good.

Every single day I wake up and I want to... Yeah, that's what I want. I want a croissant every day. I love them. And they also don't fill me up. Like, I could eat a croissant and then have literally anything else. Croissant is just an appetizer to me. What are your thoughts on a hard boiled egg shaped like a banana?

So you'd peel a banana instead of a banana inside. It's the consistency of a hard boiled egg that's an oblong, a long tube. And as you bite into it, the inside is still that yolk. So it's a banana egg. Where does the yolk lie? Is it in the center or is it like kind of... Is the yolk also banana? A tube within a tube.

Yeah. Tubed within a tube. So every bite of the banana, you're getting yolk. The cross-section looks like an egg. And I am getting yolk. I'm yoking with you because obviously you can't actually pull this off, especially if it's like a legit banana peel that you actually have to peel open. Like maybe you can fashion it by replacing the banana with three eggs,

but there's no way you could right make it so that the banana... Yeah, no, you know, it's obviously can't be done. We were pontificating on something. It's not like we're scheming. No, however... It's a hypothetical that really barely... I was fucking humoring you. I didn't want to talk about it.

I didn't even want to talk about it. There is a world where you can genetically breathe. Where we go into business. Yes, you sort of force a hen to fuck a cock. But instead of a cock, like a cockadoodle do like a rooster, whatever. You know, it's a banana. So you sort of crossbreed, genetically modify these things where the hens lay little bananas. Don't get exhausted explaining it to me.

It sounds like you're bored. It's a fucking harebrained batshit crazy scheme that would never work. And you're sort of like, you're trailing off as you explain it. Like, yeah, it would never, could never, will never be. Okay. Okay. Jesus. No.

That's exactly what they said about, like, Cubed Watermelon. Yeah. And what happened with Cubed Watermelon? Somebody figured it out. The trick is to grow them in a box. Okay. Okay. So how would you get the banana fucking?

I was telling you. You weren't. You were not. A hen fucks a banana. She really does. Yeah. And her period is not a little egg as it were. It's a small banana.

And likewise, the father is not a rooster. It's not a cock. Yes, it's a banana with an egg inside. Honestly, the hardest part is hard boiling the bitch without figuring out how to ruin the peel. The hardest part is getting a fucking hen to fuck a banana, I think. Well, that we can figure out. There's ways. Or believe that.

No. There's ways to figure that all out. Because even if that happened, it wouldn't be, it wouldn't result in what you're hoping for. What's your unsolicited advice? Fucking forcing a banana. Yeah, never mind. Yeah, obviously you're not ready for it. All right, let's see if we can answer some more cues.

Yeah. This one's called the penis gallery. Okay. So we'll call him tricky dick. Tricky dick. Nice. Right. Big fan of you guys.

My girlfriend recently confessed to me that she's secretly taken a picture of her ex-boyfriend's penises. Like some sort of 007 inches. She swears she hasn't taken a picture of mine before. Should I be worried that I'm the only one without a pic? Should I volunteer my own glorious hog as tribute? Todah. Love. Tricky dick.

Nixon. Interesting. If anything, it's nice to be different than the exes, I think. So you don't want to be in that camp. Then you, you know, then the, I don't know, you're getting closer and closer to having things in common with guys she didn't want to be with. Yeah, but you also don't want to be like, well, let me send you a picture of my hog so you can add it to the portfolio. That way I'm also in there. You're a little Rolodex of fucking limp dicks that you used to blow.

Yeah. So I think it's good on body that I used to blow. Got ye. Nice. Yes, exactly. Got ye. Got ye, Rolodex. But you got ye, my reference is right.

Should you be at all alarmed that this lady has been doing that to her exes? Do you want that kind of shit on your conscience slash lady? Is that a non-starter? Is that a non-harder? I don't know. I don't know. It's weird. It's weird.

I wouldn't be like, I don't think I would learn that information and be like, I don't know if I would have, what my reaction would be would be like, that's weird. But I don't know, ultimately fine. That she snuck photos of her exes dicks and has a weird little like gallery. It feels like the kind of thing that like you would find out about, not that she would tell you. Would you rather add your dick to the portfolio or have her delete the entire file slash folder? Yeah. I guess I don't want to make anyone delete a collection. Yeah, it's taken a long time to acquire those.

Yeah. I would want to, if this happened to me, I would just want to forget that I ever knew it and I wouldn't have us. I wouldn't be like, okay, well, the only way I'll feel good about this is if my picture is in the dick museum. That's where that's what I want. So yeah. So let's say I know. We'll say I know. There's a gallery.

You want to see the dicks? I would not want to see the dicks. Absolutely would not want to see the dicks because that could go sideways. Would you be curious to see the dicks? Can I see the dicks, please? I'd like to see the pictures of the penises. Babe. Please now.

Be a dollar. Let me see the penis gallery. Nice. Sweetie. Sweetie. What's your iPhone password? I need your face. I need your face if I want to see your ex's hogs.

Oh lordy. Yeah. I'd be curious, I guess. I deserve to see them. Every time you're with someone, you deserve to see the privates of the ones that laid before you. Yeah. I really don't know what to do here. I would not.

I would just be like, let's never talk about this again. I think I would have to say let's never talk about this again. Don't be such a prude. I'd want to see the d's and then I can sort of compare my contrasts. The comparing will be easy. Contrasting will be hard since they all sort of look exactly like mine. You're Johnson so small, they call it a Johnny. Let's take a break.

Oh, come on. You have a tiny little pecker. Let's really, really take a break. A long break and think about what just happened and why that was completely not okay to say. Then let's go to break because I feel you're still chastising me when we haven't cut away. That can't happen in the third act. Is this the break? No.

No, we haven't cut away yet because I want everyone to know that. What you did was absolutely a huge no-no. My Johnson is a Johnny. We'll be right back and by then we'll have solved this issue. Oh, not even close. Let's just cut. I need more time. Let's cut there and then we'll hash it out and we'll all never unhear that.

Do you think this is a fucking Johnny? Here's Johnny. Oh, God. It's not just small. It's also, it's misshapen and a weird color, frankly. Let's go to break. Let's go to break, obviously. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast.

Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow. Correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech-savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time.

Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes.

We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great. Really easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. Yeah.

This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit. This is how I told my grandma she was pregnant.

Yeah. Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame?

Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me at a pool or something that could be funny.

Yeah, like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah, it's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the Perfect Father's Day gift and visit Aura Frames.

That's A U R A Frames dot com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames A U R A Frames dot com.

Okay. Go get your parents something. All right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional license therapist, is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area. But BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist. And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. It's incredibly helpful.

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And we're back. Jake and I sort of hashed it out. Would you say have an average sized hog or whatever? Yeah, it's a normal sized penis. And it's not a small hairy or beet red. It does not look like a third nipple in between your legs. It actually looks like a normal dick and it doesn't look like it has a pinky nail growing out of the head of it. And it didn't frown at me when I saw it.

That's a little too much TMI. I said it didn't have any of that stuff. And I appreciate it. Thank you for clarifying. And the whole Johnny Johnson thing was a misnomer. I think, right? We said after the break this would be fucking hashed out. You and I talked offline for an hour and a half.

We cut back in. You heard from my lawyers. Yeah. I see that. And you said just read the statement as written. I don't think I wrote the pinky nail one. Amir has a huge Johnson. A John Johnson as it were.

Thank you. All right, one last question. Yeah, why not? This one is about potentially committing a federal crime. Interesting. A lady from California. So I've had the same post office box for four years and I keep getting this other lady's mail. I would turn it into the male people and they just put it back in my box.

Luckily, I know this lady. We're in a small town. So I messaged her on Facebook and she tells me I could just throw it away. But today I accidentally opened her letter thinking it was for me and it had a $50 Safeway gift card in it. I read the name on the letter and alas it is someone from her family. So I sealed it up nice and I told her that I found her mail and she told me to just throw it away. Now listen, I'm a little strapped for cash these days and it would be a shame to just let this gift card go to waste. But morally, I don't think it's right to take it.

What should I do? It's just going to go in the trash if I bring it in the post office and I can't tell her I opened her mail. So is this legal or not? Interesting. Another good moral dilemma. Yeah, this is a moral quandary. It's funny the ladies write in and they're like, I accidentally did this, I feel bad. And then the guys are like, my chick has a picture of other guy's dicks and I'm sort of pissed off about that.

And I want to show my hog. It's, yeah. I don't know. She told you to throw it away. Yeah, but there's a gift card. There's a way to get this gift card to her without saying you opened their mail though. It's like you could just be like, you know, these gift cards can easily be like pasted on the outside of a flyer or something. You're actually not just taking the cash, it's a gift from a family member.

So I think for that reason you can't do it. If it was like a sweepstakes thing, like Safeway sending people gift cards, and that's kind of like the guys that you could reach out and be like, hey, you got a gift card in the mail, do you want it? But I kind of feel like it being from a family member, you have to be like this package. You can lie and say that you didn't open it. Like this letter arrived open. It was actually a gift card.

It looks like somebody sent it to you. Do you want it? Right. And then if she says no, you can throw it away. Then it's up for grabs. Well, yeah, then it's your gift card for sure. But I don't think you can rightfully, like you know now that you can't throw it away. And I don't know.

Yeah, it's too bad because like in any other world, if you didn't open this, this would have been in the trash anyway. It's basically like finding money. But knowing that it came from someone in her family specifically to her, I think it's got to be returned. Fuck, because it could come back and she'd be like, I saw that you spent the gift card. Congratulations. Thanks for using it.

No, it's not about getting caught. It's just about doing the right thing. You worry too much about getting caught if I can be candid with you. I don't want to be in trouble. That's not morality. That's cowardice, by the way. You have no morals. You have no scruples.

You're afraid of being found out that you're actually a little weasel. And that's why you just got the goddamn turdy because you showed me your ugly dick in the middle of the episode. You sent me a cease and desist. You sent me a statement from your lawyer and I came up with Benedict fucking eggs. And that was pretty good. Almost eggs Benedict Arnold. And I'll have you know that is a golden mic because that doesn't just come out of nowhere. Even if you fucking don't get a hole in one, you can still birdie.

You can still eagle. So yeah, I didn't slam dunk, but I put back a layup. I got my own rebound and I won the game and that's a fucking golden mic. It's number 499, I think, and that's an unprecedented run. And you get a goddamn turdy because you flashed me. Now let's move on. You said, what did you say, Benedict eggs? And that's an alley.

That's a putback jam. That's an eagle. It's a birdie. It's a nothing. It's an absolute nothing. It was off of do you trees in your eggs? Do you trees in your eggs? That was nothing.

I turned it into a fucking almost perfect pun with eggs. Benedict eggs gets you the fucking golden mic. Good. I'm actually glad about that. I want you to have it. Good. Because that's what it takes. Now that I know that that's what it takes, I'm going to be able to fart out about 80 of those next episode.

If it all it needs to be is as good as Benedict eggs. By the way, trees in your eggs was me. I said trees in your eggs. You gave me nothing and I turned it into something. That's what happened. No, you turned it into nothing. I turned it into something. Benedict eggs.

It actually makes a fucking it makes a lot of sense. It's a pretty good pun. And I just had the order wrong. And I mean, my God, I didn't order my eggs correctly. You could say eggs, Benedict Arnold. That's the joke. That's the mic. That's the trophy.

And we can actually play it back if you missed it because we haven't recorded. No, no, no. Why is opening someone else's mail so illegal? It seems like it should just be like, you know, frowned upon, but everyone knows that it's such this federal offense. Like what do you what's the crime there? What are you getting punished? Are people getting thrown in jail for this thing? I don't know.

I mean, it seems like it's it's like some kind of like sacred holdover law at this point. Like the mail system is one of the first things we did when we're like building the country, right? Like, yeah, it's it feels like weird. Like if this letter is addressed to me, that's my property and you can't open it. And if you do, that's actually the worst thing you could do. Yeah, before there was only this. It was just like, yeah, he opened my mail and that was the worst thing you could do. Yeah, that's I think it's like like back in the day, there's like you have a land deed.

It's like this piece of paper actually shows that I own this land. So like there I feel like there's just like rules like that that are tied up in very older like old society. If you I just like this up if you intentionally open or destroy someone else's mail, you're committing obstruction of correspondence. And if found guilty, you could potentially face five years in prison. That's a lot. My dad has been in prison for four years for shredding my mom's junk mail. Actually, he threw away a coupon pamphlet from Gelsons and now he's doing. And Gelsons wasn't able to correspond with my mother.

He obstructed their correspondence. And is it the same thing going with email? Is it illegal to open up my email, my Gmail? No, because I've been opening up. Well, your email a lot. I have access to it through the this shows email. If I were you show at Gmail dot com really they give me backup access to your email. Interesting.

So I'm able to just sort of play around in there open to lead archive forward reply. And yes, reply. All replies. Ugly cousin really lie out. I've been doing all of that shit. Let me just try my Benedict. My style. Oh, sorry, Benedict egg style, right?

Don't be tacky. Don't be tacky. All right. That's it. Three questions up three questions down. Thanks for writing in. Thanks for sending in that theme song. If you got your own email address for everything is if I were you show at Gmail dot com.

Thanks to everybody that watched the new episode of Jake and Amir, which is on our YouTube. Right. You just go to Jake and Amir dot com. You can subscribe and we still got two more new episodes to release, which should be coming soon. Hell yeah. And we also got so much shit on our Patreon. It's crazy. We've got almost two years worth of videos on there.

It's lonely and horny. It's the Jake and Amir watch. It's our animated series stuck. Video podcasts are on there. It's finally worth the four dollars and 99 cents a month. There's a lot of content. Yeah. There's a big backlog that you could tap into at this point.

Yeah. So check that out too. Patreon dot com slash J.A. The opening theme song was a was a fucking hit. It was a gosh darn classic. I just I love that. I can't remember this person's name. I think it was Missy Faye or Melanie Faye.

And this closing one is a Fleet Foxes. Was that what they're called? Fleet Foxes parody. I love Fleet Foxes. Yeah. By somebody who said by it's a parody of Fleet Foxes helplessness blues. We hope you like it. And we hope that we can plug their podcast which is spell check spelling bee the Internet's

first premier casual spelling bee competition. Whoa. Just like testing testing. Exactly. Maybe you can go on there and sort of flex your spelling muscle. That's right. Okay. So thank you Kevin and Gracie from the spelling spell check the spelling bee podcast.

Thanks to you guys for listening. Thanks for writing. And we'll be back next week and probably on Thursday with another bonus episode of this year program. Thank you so much for listening. Woo. Ciao everybody. This is a headgum original.