If I Were You - 509: Alarm Clock

Episode Date: October 11, 2021

In this episode we discuss new slang, bad cats, and Headgum Live! October 22 and 23 at Gramercy Theatre in NYC.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum original. Spanish, as you know, is when you add a syllable to English. So, hello, my name is Amira. My name is Jackie Amir. I'm from San Antonio. I believe that there are different types, but they are different. The fight is called the Golden Maid. A great spirit.

Welcome to the podcast. It's called Cio Fuerado. Cio Fuerado. Cio Fuerado. Cio Fuerado. My name is Chico. Cio Fuerado. Cio Fuerado.

Cio Fuerado. Cio Fuerado. My name is Chico. Cio Fuerado. Wow. Arriba! Yes. Finally, it's like sort of...

It harkens back to my Latin flair. a lot of people think I'm sort of a passionate Latin lover like I'm sort of like I exude this passionate Latin energy. I don't know if you do. Who is that? Really? That was me sort of being a yeah like a Spanish sexy flamenco style like I often like people when I walk into a room people like oh my god who's that like sexy Latin lover. And then you say it is I what's how do you introduce yourself when people think that you're a Latin lover? I say Shalom that is I Shmuel m shmuel mo shmgyerm o How is it going?

Shlomo Children o singer emigos Oh Oh, yeah. Oh, hey, hey. Don't Falafel

Siwu plays yet Gustahandaka That entire theme song was written in Spanish, I Don't Speak Spanish, so I was hoping I did some translating. Do you know what any of that meant? I heard Golden Mike, I heard... Yeah, that was English.

Jake and Amir. Yeah, Jake and Amir. Yeah, that was a good one. So you took Spanish for how many years? Was it a decade of learning? Seventh grade. Seventh grade until... So five years of probably a few hours a week for nearly half a decade.

It was six years of Spanish. Six years, yeah. But to be fair, I actually got mostly Cs, so I wouldn't be expected to remember anything. So it goes, a Jake y Amir le gusta dar consejos. I can't even... Jake and Amir like to go to concerts. That was give advice, yeah. Crín que son divertidos, pero son viejos.

They think they're funny, but they're old. Interesting. That's not what I was going to guess, but that's fair. La lucha por el Golden Mike con Gran Espiritu. La lucha. La lucha is Amir loses the Golden Mike. It's answer fighting. Okay.

They fight for the Golden Mike with Gran Espirit. And then bienvenidos al podcast, si ama, si yo fuera tu. Okay. That's welcome to Miami. Buenvenida. Ami, ami. Welcome to the podcast. It's called If I Were You.

It rhymes. Nice. Nice. Now that we know what the words mean, I'll play it again at the end so people can appreciate it more. It's called si yo fuera tu, the ballad of El Pincho and El Chipmunko, which I think means the two funny guys. We know what it means.

Fuck. If you could give a shout out to some of the rad dudes that helped make it. Steve, Miller, G, Mackie, Nene, and of course, Gany. Gany. Yeah. Gany. Tell him what he's won. And maybe plug our new double LP coming out next year, which is Classic Kid and Baby Club

Babies Only. Wow. That's a lot of information, but you know what he's earned it. Yeah. No, he definitely has. He wrote a song in another one. Thank you. Giorgio.

Giorgio who wrote that. Gracias. Or actually, how do I say thank you? All right. Gracias. Thank you. That's yeah. Gracias.

Gracias. Yes. Absolutely. Portotos. Okay. This is if I were you, a.k.a. si yo fuera tu. I am Amir, a.k.a. Johan, the Latin lover.

I hate that accent. I'm James, a.k.a. Jorge, which was my Spanish name, even though I guess it would have been like Hacob or something. Yeah. But Jorge is George, right? Jorge is George. We got to choose Spanish names and I chose Jorge. That's fun.

That seems like the most fun part of Spanish class is choosing the names. Right. Everybody gets their own names. In Hebrew class, you just sort of use the Hebrew version of your name and I couldn't even. Yeah. Yeah. Mine is just Amir.

So I didn't even get that little minor thrill. Wow. You didn't even get that. That sucks. Actually, I ended up choosing a Spanish name in Hebrew class, so everyone had to call me. I don't know what's an example of a Spanish name that sounds like Amir. Amos.

Amos. Yeah. Amos. Okay. We got a bunch of questions that I wanted to just sort of power through so that we can get to the end of this episode and I can get to this Moscow mule I have waiting for me in the kitchen. That's fucking awesome because it's fucking 10 a.m. your time and it's 10 30 fucking pound

and I need to like power it through. I really hope you have a copper mug because even though you're drinking in the morning, you have to do the Moscow mule right. You have to honor it. You have to put it. You're not worried that I'm having alcohol. I hope you're using the cubes. I hope you froze the cubes because I don't want you using chip ice.

I don't want you using that fridge ice dispenser. Not for a Moscow mule. Not for that 10 30 a.m. I think you're worried about the wrong thing, I think. You should be a little concerned, right? You are concerned. What do you mean? Is it a cry for help that you don't know how to make a Moscow mule?

I'm telling you, it's ginger beer, it's vodka, and it's served in a copper mug with ice. You could also- Yeah. I actually had a little bit of, yeah, the Moscow mule even before this recording so I woke up and had- That's fucking savage. Hair of the dog. Yeah, hair of the dog.

Oh, that means you were drinking last night too? Yeah. Are you worried about anything? Yeah. Yeah. I guess you're doing it to get my attention, which I won't give you. Okay, okay. We had an interesting question which came up.

Somebody wanted to know our thoughts on this TikTok thing that's happening right now. Are you familiar with Couch Guy? No. So Couch Guy is a video on TikTok that's sort of making the rounds, you know how things blow up like wildfire over there. So it's this video of a lady surprising her man at college. And when they walk in, the man is sort of sitting close to another lady and he stands up and hugs this girlfriend in a specific fashion.

Nothing is too overtly shady about the whole thing, but people picked up on it and it became sort of this hotly debated thing whether the boyfriend was excited to see the female. And this guy said he wanted to get our counsel on the situation. I can send you the link or I can play it on my computer. He sent it to us. Are you near your phone? Yeah. Okay, I'll send you the link.

And like, you know, people have been making parodies and people have been making dances and using the audio and poking fun in every way, shape, and form. But this is the origin. This is the first video Couch Guy, which I think just came out like last week. Does it need sound, do you think? No. Okay. It's just, you can see what the deal is pretty quickly.

I'm going to watch it. I'm watching. There's my live reactions. Okay. So what are you seeing right now? She's walking in. She's got a backpack, roller bag. Yeah.

Okay. He's shy. He's a little shy. That's nice. Yeah. Yeah. Sitting, sitting kind of on a couch with some other ladies, maybe just friends, maybe a little bit more.

I mean, no, it doesn't seem like that to me. It seems fine, right? Yeah. Let's, a little, a little something. I'm watching it again. I'm watching it again. Okay. Yeah.

Keep a real close eye on the distance between him and his couch mates, I think. You mean they're really, they're just really close to each other? Yeah. Just sitting really close on a couch and then. But the couch is like, when you said that, I was like, okay, so it's like him sitting just with a girl on a couch. Yeah. There's four people on that couch.

Yeah. It's a full couch. There's not a ton of space for him to, to be in, you know? Yeah. So you're saying overall that, that doesn't raise any suspicions or alarm bells for you. I think it doesn't, to me, on its, on its face, it does not seem like it warrants an uproar or a public discussion, I don't think. Yeah.

She seems. She's the one who posted it. Yeah. Yeah. So she wasn't worried about it at all. I think it's the community of TikTokers that saw it and were like, wait a minute. Yeah. Rewind the tape.

Look how close they were sitting. But you have to think that like this dude's friends, she was led in by his buddies, like people that had the key, people that like knew what was going on in there. If there was something untoward happening on that couch, I think someone would have been like, don't do that. Or like, you know, they would, they would, someone would have run in interference. They wouldn't. Yes.

No one planning a surprise like that is going to let it go so awry as you like walk in and your boyfriend is like flirting with somebody. Yeah. The surprise. The dangerous game to surprise at college. Yeah. I've, I've, I've done that before I've done the surprise someone else or had somebody surprise you.

I think both. It's happened like when you're, I think, I don't know. It seems like when it's like a young person's game, I did it to Jill when we first started dating, actually. What'd you do? I flew to New York to surprise her, but it was really just me being super needy. It wasn't, I don't think it was like about her at the time. It's like, yeah, it'll be really nice and plus I need to see her.

Surprises are, there's a lot of stress around surprises like you really got to like get a buy-in of like 30 people to lie to this person where it's like, I'm coming in, help me plan it. I'm on the flight. I can't call so you're going to have to do this and I'm going to have to lie about this and then I'm close and where are you guys? There's just so much planning for this one grand reveal. Right.

It is. Do you remember when I did a surprise party for me and Jill's engagement? Oh yeah. I think I told this during the podcast. But yeah, that was the last time I like planned a surprise thing and I'll never do it again because it was so stressful. It always, right before it always involves somebody doing something insanely weird, which is like, don't go in there.

I have to dance around with you in the street for a second. What the hell is going on? Should we walk around the block again? Why? Whoa. Why is my cousin over there? As you get closer to the surprise, shit starts unraveling fast and people start freaking out.

Yeah. And you start acting weird. Like you're taking an elevator up to a room and you're like, I'm completely silent. I have nothing to say. Can't look at you. I'm going to pause the elevator. Let's get off on the wrong floor. Just once.

I'll see. Don't look to the left or right. Your dad might be here. But I think that most of the time, you see a lot of things happen in movies and you hear about the ones that have gone really wrong, but I feel like for all of the friends to be involved, it must have been a healthier surprise. It's not like surprise I showed up at your door or rang your doorbell and you're here caught red handed.

It was like a group effort. So I think this is all above board. Okay. Thanks to David Hernandez for writing in. I'm glad. That's a good, a good segment for us is bringing TikTok trends or at least me bringing them to you because I'm on the talk and you're not. Yeah.

I like that. We can weigh in on the big memes. That's cool. All right. We got another question from a lady at school. Oh, love it. A school lady. So we'll call her Sarah Lawrence.

Oh, good work. Because that's actually the name of the college I was rightfully rejected from. Yeah. I had low grades and a nasty attitude and I failed my interview letter. Yeah. Yeah. I'm a 21 year old college students, right, Sarah in need of immediate assistance. My roommate has a cat and she is away for the weekend and it just barfed on the kitchen

floor. Well, I am the only roommate out of five home right now. So I feel like I'm obligated to clean it. My roommate who is temporarily in charge of the cat is at work for four hours. I'm hungover and I don't want to deal with this shit. Also, I didn't really want pets in our house to begin with because of the situation like this. So let me know if I'm a dick if I don't clean it.

Thanks. Also shout out to my friend Morgan and her brother Bryce who put me onto your podcast in eighth grade. Okay. So that's sort of ruined her anonymity a little bit. Got it. And then she included a pic of it looks like sort of wet oatmeal on a linoleum floor. It looks like somebody spilled oatmeal on a cafeteria floor.

Share your screen. Yeah. Actually, I can just share my screen. I don't want to. I don't want to put it in my phone. No, of course not. This is why the podcast. Yeah.

It belongs in a visual medium. Twice now. Yeah. We've watched. We're... Okay. That's not bad. Okay.

That's... It looks like spilled oatmeal on a... Yeah. Cafeteria floor. Yeah. I wouldn't want to live in this place. It looks kind of like those floors are uncomfortable and cold, but that's sort of neither here nor there.

Right. Yeah. This kitchen slash living room. Okay. Stop sharing your screen. Please. I'm going to be sick. Okay.

Okay. Here's the question. She said the roommate who the cat belongs to is gone for how long? The weekend. Yeah. I mean, that's just... That's it right there. You can't have that on the floor for the weekend.

It will... Well, she says that the roommate in charge of the cat now is at work for the next four hours. Oh, wait. I thought the cat's... I see. So the... It's like, I'm out of town for the weekend.

You're in charge, lady. And she's like, okay, I'm in charge, but I'm going to work. So whoever's in third in command is going to have to get in on this. But this... I think that she's hungover. She's not going to leave the house. Usually when I see something like that, I would deal with it versus not. Yeah.

Or you cannot deal with it, and then it would just be on the ground. And then somebody else would deal with it in four hours. You can play dumb if you're hungover. Right. If you think that you'll throw up if you start cleaning it. But I mean, it's a... I could see not... Like maybe the threshold for me is if it was a tougher clean.

That's linoleum. It's pretty thick. There's not going to be a lot of run. I think you can get that with a glob of paper towels and then spray something, second scrub, and you're probably going to be good. If it were on a carpet, I would maybe feel different. I'm not going to blot it up, get the resolve, let it sit. Yeah, the stain.

The stain, that's not going to be on me. But sweeping it up off the linoleum, I think you might as well. That's actually a hard move too because it's hardwood floor in the middle of an island. So it's like, where am I scooping it to? It's hard to lift something off a hardwood floor. You turn a thing of paper towels into almost like a glove. That's chunky enough that you can pick most of it up. And then the rest of it, you got to spray and sponge.

I don't think you need to sponge. If you want to, I want to get this off the floor, but I'm not going to give the floor a scrub. You could text the cat only. The cat threw up. I cleaned it up, but you're probably going to want to get it a little deeper. What people really need is some sort of vomit vacuum, like a tube that just sucks everything up.

That's a shop vac. That's a shop vac. A shop vac? Does it pick up liquid off floors and stuff? Yeah. Yeah. It picks up anything. Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God. This is a beast. Is this also used for general use or is it just specifically wet stains and stuff like that? I think that the thing with the shop vac is that it's like a big heavy duty vacuum cleaner. You can dust little pieces of debris, liquids, yeah. Yeah. Okay.

So that's sort of unsolicited advice is get a shop vac for your puke pickups. That'll make it real easy. That was how I used to clean my loft in Brooklyn. I would sweep everything into a corner and then I just had a shop vac and I would vacuum it up because I had no carpets in that place because I lived like a little splinter cell. Okay. So should she do it if she's hungover? If it's on linoleum, I say go for it.

You'll feel better. You won't smell it every time you walk into the kitchen. I could see living in like a two bedroom apartment with a central kitchen and the interior has a cat puke on it. You'll smell that throughout the day and four hours is a long time to smell that. Not worth it. Not worth the wait. Not to me.

Okay. Let's take a break, come back, answer some more questions on the other side of these messages. Hey, yo. Thank you to Helix Sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yes. Thank you for making the sleep test, the sleep exam and letting me ace it and become the doctor of the mattress. Yes, sir.

Yeah. So Helix makes a really great mattress line and you take a little sleep quiz to see what mattress is right for you. Yeah, right. Jake's been bragging about completing this two minute honestly like Buzzfeed light quiz. I don't brag about completing it. I brag about acing it because you got the mattress and it was great or yeah, I got the perfect mattress.

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And we're back. The unsolicited advice if you missed it was to get a shop back to sort of scoop up stains specifically cat vomit in the middle of a hard floor boom. Another question from another female. This one's three years older than the last. So they're sort of aging up with regards to status and question and advice seeking. I like that. All right.

Cool. So this 24 year old graduated from college and she's living by herself in Albuquerque. Albuquerque. So we'll call her Alba Jessica Alba. I'm a 24 year old female living in Albuquerque and I've been seeing this guy from Tinder for the past few months. He's really sweet, funny and easy to get along with. He says he's never, he says he's never been beaten at Mario Kart, but I smoke him every

time score. The only trouble is he's not that great in bed. He doesn't like to take charge and he gets tired really easily. I'm no freak, but I've never felt satisfied without some help from toys or finishing up the job myself. I've tried to coach him on what I like, but it seems like he gets in his own head trying to satisfy me that I'm afraid he's starting to feel bad every time we have sex. I like him a lot as a person.

But is this grounds for termination? Am I being a shallow diva roach for cutting him off because the sex isn't good enough? Have you ever broken up with someone when everything is great but the sex was lacking? Do I accept the trade off of an unsatisfying sex life for a great connection or should I cut this guy off if there's no improvement? Help. How long has she been seeing him? A few months.

Alright. I think sex is important. I don't think I've ever broken up with someone because it wasn't good, but I think that it's stopped me from pursuing something more serious. But she's already gotten far enough along that she realizes she likes this person. Sex is not there. I think there's a couple options. Option one, wait and see.

It's only been a couple months. If he isn't his head, maybe he just needs a little bit more time to gain the confidence. So if you can wait, that's an option. Option number two, doing the job yourself and bringing toys in doesn't have to feel like a defeat. I think you can spice things up in the bedroom that way. Your guy could use the toys on you. You don't have to be energized to hold a vibrator.

He can be tired and do that. So this is you talking to that. He says, come on, how fucking sleepy are you, dude? You can't hold this little fucking egg? Actually, you could pass that, I'll put it in your hand. But I think there's hot stuff you can do in bed if you embrace the mutual masturbation aspect of it. It doesn't have to just be like, penetrative sex is the only way that you guys are going

to have good sex, have a different foreplay. You can get creative. In a basketball analogy, it's like there's some skills you just naturally have and some you can teach where it's like, this guy's got the intangible, the motor, the heart. He can jump out of the gym. He's good at Mario Kart. Yeah. We just have to teach him to shoot.

There's some stuff you can teach, which is how to become a better passer. And then there's some stuff that you just either have it or you don't. I think if you're going to choose one of these things, like being a nice normal guy who's fun to play Mario Kart with, you can't teach that. That's either got it or you don't by age 24 or whatever. I think the sex stuff is knowledgeable, learnable, pedagogical, whatever you want to call it, didactic. It's like actually study, learn and become better.

And usually that comes with chemistry as well. But the guy has to be willing to learn to shoot like this. Yes. He needs to be an apt pupil and if he's too tired, if he's like not into, I mean, getting into your head is one thing, but being like, I don't feel like doing that, I'm too tired or whatever. I think that's grounds for termination. So not being great at sex after a few months, not necessarily grounds for termination, not

being willing to try that grounds for termination. Not saying that that's what this guy's attitude is right now, but that's just where the logical next step goes for me. Got it. Okay. What is this dead ass generational language barrier email that you sent? He's got a question, I guess, about new slangs and terminology. Okay.

I thought this was out because you're on TikTok and we're in our late 30s. This is good to see if we know what the hell some of this stuff means. Okay, let's see. I think I know what most of it was. Okay, great. As a mid-20s man, I'm losing my grasp on slang these days, writes Webster. Keep in mind, I'm American. English is my first language and my governor is Gavin Newsom.

So I'm not in North Dakota or Rhode Island, per se. A few I can think of, Susie, Bacca, Yal, but when non-Southerners use it, Grifter, Gaslighting, Doomer. Okay. Let's just see if we know these ones. Are these real words that just found new popularity, like Gaslighting and Grifting? It'd be so simple if we had Danksick, Fuego, Baller, Yolo, Bay. So yeah, I don't know what any of these means and they sound cringy whenever I hear them.

Is it worth trying to learn this new stuff? What are your thoughts on this new lingua franca? Yeah. Okay. So Susie, do you know what Susie means? I just would imagine that it means like suspect or... Yeah. Yeah.

I've seen Sus. Like Sus... Yeah. It's suspicious almost. Right. Bacca? No. Fucking idea.

Yal, I assume as you all, just like when Southerners use it, Grifter, I didn't know that that was a slang. As far as I know, it's like a fee for a con artist. Right. And it might just be a word that's gaining popularity again, like Grifter is just... It's the same thing as it always was, like maybe, but I don't know. Gaslighting is... That's a one that's gained popularity recently.

Yeah, that one I know. It's like when you're accusing someone of something in a way that they don't... They feel like they're just have no idea what you're talking about. I think it's like any time that you make someone feel crazy, because you can do it a lot of different ways, even without accusing somebody, like I feel like sometimes you can ask someone about something that's like, oh, that's the first I heard of it. But it's like, I've been talking to you about this for a month or whatever, and that's gaslighting too.

I feel like that has its origins in an old movie, and I forget what the origin is. It's either called gaslighting or they use that term, and now people are bringing it back. Doomer. Is that like a boomer that's full of doom and gloom, like a pessimistic boomer, perhaps? Or is that what we call boomers now, because they kind of fucked the world so hard that it's going to... That's pretty good.

There's also zoomers, which are people who use zooms, so they're younger than boomers, I think. Yeah, I don't even understand, because literally everyone used zoom, so. Did zoomers start because of boomers, or are they just the name of a generation unrelated? Generation Z. Zoomer is an informal term of generation Z. It combines the word boomer, referring to, jeez, whoa. There's a full Wikipedia page of it.

Wow. On Zoomer. Yeah. What about on FACA? It combines the word boomer, referring to baby boomers, with the Z from Generation Z. So Zoomer has nothing to do with Zoom, the app we all use. It has to do with just a Generation Z boomer. Okay.

I'm trying to find... It's people who were born in the mid to late 90s as starting birth years, and the early 2010s as ending birth years. Got it. Yeah, that's Generation Z. Yeah, it's like people who are 10 to 25 years old right now. Yeah. That makes sense.

Sheesh, of course. I've been using that. Yeah. Exactly. Bet, which is like... You use bet. Yeah, I use bet a lot. I went from ironically using bet to just using bet.

I think that's how it happens. It's like basically saying fine, or okay, or good. Yeah, yeah, bet, bet, bet. I think I want to start using bet because I still use word, which is not, which doesn't feel right now. Yeah, it's the same. It's the same thing. Word became bet.

I say word a lot too much, overtext, not in person. Chud? Do you know what that is? No fucking clue. Should we look at what it means? Yeah, we should look up all of these. I want to know what baka is. A gross or unfeeling person.

That's a chud. I guess so. That's good. That's a good one. Poggers? Poggers. I think that's when you go crazy, like you jump up and down. I wonder if it's related to pogs.

Yeah, that was my first instinct, but then it's like we had no person coming up with Gen Z slaying those pogs, right? Yeah. You want to explain pogs to anybody who was born after 1990? They were these tiny little cardboard discs. Milk caps in a way. It was a game where you would play the pogs face down. You had something called a slammer, which was like a metal disc.

You would throw it at the cardboard ones and any of the ones that flipped over on the right side. Yeah, those were yours to take off the table and you keep on playing and whoever had the most pogs at the end won. Did you ever have? I never personally played. It was all over the place, but I never got into it. Yeah, I was super into it.

I was big into it. We had a little game store in our neighborhood and my friends would go after school and buy pogs. I remember they had this fucking amazing metal slammer that was like $13 and I was like, I'll never be able to do that. Matt, did you have a case for your pogs that looked like a Ritz cracked his sleeve? Big blue tube for my pogs. Oh God, can you imagine if like your children are like, well, you spend $100 on this tube

of cardboard. I'm playing a game someone invented four hours ago. I would meet my friends would like play for keeps sometimes and then like you put them we end up losing pogs that we like and we just cry until the parents divided them all back. The stakes were too great. Yeah. Have you seen Squid Game? Yes, I'm not all of it.

Three episodes in. So I've only seen one episode myself, but the game that they play at the train station where they're trying to like hit an envelope to flip another envelope, it's very pogs chic. Did you like the pilot? I did. I did like the pilot. Poggers means just excited.

So all right, got it. And then Liddy, which I think means lit or awesome. Right. That's kind of fun. Yeah. If something is Liddy, it's hot. It's fire. It's actually intense and fun.

And frankly, now that I know these words, they're all over. So I certainly hope that we'll start hearing new ones. They're officially out of Fuego. Bet. Absolutely. Bet for that. You can bet on that. When two chuds know these fucks, you know, Baka.

Yeah. It's all. When two doomers. We have to find out what these things mean. All right. Which ones? I'm going to do. I want to know what doomer is.

A person, usually a millennial or a Gen Z in male who has experienced apparent hardship. Oh, so it's just kind of like a sad person? Yeah. That's not too exciting. Okay. What's Baka? Let's see. A Japanese word whose primary meaning is fool, idiot, moron, stupid person.

Baka, B-A-K-A. Yeah. I miss, I don't know. I've missed herb. That was my favorite. Yeah. I mean, every one of these is just a newer version of something we used to say. I guess I'm just going to spend more time on Urban Dictionary and try to get some of

these before they pop, you know? Although you can't, I feel like I can't skip that step. I can't be the first one to say bet. Like I have to hear it on Slack for a while and from other people and then it's like, now it's my turn to say lit. Now it's my turn to say these things are fire. Now it's my turn to say poggers. What about the phrase, not here to fuck spiders?

That's a full phrase. It's Australian slang. The term is derived from and is another way of saying, not here to fuck around. I am here to get the job done. Stop wasting time. Jesus. It can also be used as a declaration that a person has arrived at a place of work or sporting team with a set of goals.

I love that. Okay. Another break. Come back and learn some more words on the other side of these massages. Yes. Bet. Bet. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this Head Gum podcast.

You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire Head Gum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you

need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma.

Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great, really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo

frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife and you're trying to make a joke of it.

I was just being goofy a little bit like this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like she misheard it or something like that or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant.

It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an Aura. Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family

in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something that could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly.

You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. It's a really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit Aura Frames. That's A-U-R-A Frames.com.

And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is. Oh wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply.

That's Aura Frames. A-U-R-A Frames.com. Okay. Go get your parents something. All right. So we're gonna put HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you Aura.

And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. And we're back. Hey, hey. All right. We dead ass have one more question. That's right. Dead ass. That's another word I've sort of been toying with.

It means nothing. So you sort of just add it into sentences. Right. It's kind of like just adding fucking. That's... Yeah. It's arguably better. It's kind of how literally means figuratively now.

Yeah. Yeah. That's an annoying one. Literally means everything. Yeah. I use it all. I say literally all the time. I say it literally all the time.

Nice. You're dead ass always saying it a little too much. I use it too much. It's a crutch. Okay. Let's move on up from a 21-year-old question to a 24-year-old female question to a 25-year-old girl who just moved in with two of her best friends. Moving on up.

Moving on up. Okay. It's been two months now and I've moved in with two of my best friends. And now that I have learned one of them, let's call her Susan, has a very strange method of forcing herself to get up in the morning. She sets her alarm in an entirely different room of the house from her and her fiance's bedroom. It took me a while to realize what the hell was happening.

I would often be woken up super early in the morning to an unidentifiable beeping noise in the house. Then about a minute later, I'd hear Susan getting up and turning it off. In my sleep- Susan. Susan. Nice. In my sleep-addled state, I thought there was just some machine or something that would

malfunction or freak out regularly in the morning. And it got to the point where I was feeling bad that Susan was always going up to turn it off. But whenever it would wake me up, it would always take me a long time to fall back asleep and it would disrupt my entire sleep pattern and make work that day pretty hellish. But then one morning, two weeks ago, notably the morning I was about to embark on a four hour solo road trip and really needed my sleep. The beeping went off and my roommate didn't go turn it off.

A couple of minutes went by and it was still beeping, so I finally dragged my ass out of bed to check what was happening. And lo and behold, it was an alarm clock screaming at everyone from the living room. It took me a second to understand what I was seeing and another second to understand why I was seeing it. I finally realized she set it up out here so that she'd be forced to get out of bed to turn it off. Yeah.

So frustrated, I shut it off and then sent Susan an annoying text letting her know that her alarm had gone off and I tried to fall back asleep to no avail. It's now been two weeks and it's still been going off almost every morning at six in the morning. I've tried talking to her about it and she says, sorry, it's the only way we can wake up and won't engage further. Is this a normal thing to do? Am I overreacting?

And how do I get her to stop doing this? Thank you. Sleeping in Meg Ryan, sleepless in Seattle. Nice. That's tough because you talked about it. You basically did what I would advise you to do and she's not meeting you halfway. I would be much more mad than this lady is. She's like, should I do anything?

Interrupting sleep is basically roommate cancer. It's the worst thing you can do. You really like your sleep. You don't even say it. Yeah. You don't set an alarm because you're like. Yeah. I'm alarmless.

I've established an alarmless artist's lifestyle so I cannot be woken up earlier than my body allows. And especially at six in the morning, are you joking me that it ruins the entire day slash week? It throws everything off. Yeah. Like there's a reason this alarm is so effective for Susan, but it's not fair because not everybody wants to get up at the same time as Susan.

You're not allowed to have a public alarm. That's not how it works. Yes. Yeah. No way. Especially in the living room so that it wakes other people up, that's fucking absurd. Yeah. I mean, if it's just a clock, I'd steal it.

I would just take it. Yeah. You cannot do that. That's a non-starter. And it seems like she moved in with two best friends. What's the other one going through? Maybe she's a heavy sleeper. Doesn't notice.

Doesn't care. Yeah. I guess that there's another roommate, and it could theoretically be a tiebreaker. You could talk to the roommate and be like, hey, will you tell Susan that this can't stand? Because I can't. Yeah. I wouldn't turn it into a public forum in case that roommate is like, whatever, I sleep through it.

So you can't have two against one for a thing where you're obviously in the right. So do the legwork ahead of time. She sleeps in the same room as the fiance. Now she has this other guy in the room who's also getting woken up, potentially. Is he also in on this plan? This whole thing sounds very hairy. Yeah. Wait, so it's Meg Ryan's fiance and her, or I thought it was Susan and Susan's fiance.

Yeah, Susan and Susan's fiance. Okay. And maybe Susan's fiance loves it because he learns not in the room. So it's also, I mean, if she missed it one day, it's not perfectly effective. So it's like, if she's like, it's the only way I can get up, it's like, well, actually, it's not because I turned it off the other day, right? Yeah. So it seems like it'll wake you up if it's closer to you too.

Like that's how alarms work. If you can get really close, then it'll also wake you up. It's all about getting out of bed. It's really all about getting out of bed. But there are other, like she could get the kind, oh no, that would be even worse. Have you ever seen that alarm clock that like blows up and you have to put it back together to turn it off? Yeah.

That's terrible. Or an alarm clock that like chases, gets chased around the room like on wheels. What a terrible way to wake up. It's the opposite. Alarm clocks should like soothe you in like slowly getting like, slowly getting louder for it to like go and then like scamper around the room like a skittish cat. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, I use an alarm and I don't love it, but I like waking up early. I don't like. When do you set your alarm for? I set, always before eight, depending on when I'm going to bed. Yeah. But like, usually generally 7.30, if I feel like I'm getting a late, a late night, then I do 7.45. Wow.

Way to treat yourself. That extra 15 goes a long way. And then how many nights of the last 10 nights, how many of them have the alarm woke you up and how many of you are waking up naturally before the alarm? I think usually, even if I wake up naturally before the alarm, I'll like hang out and go back and tell the alarm goes off, even if I don't go back to bed or if I shut my eyes for another five minutes or whatever. Yeah.

I like the alarm to tell me that like, this is when previous you decided that we should get up. So let's do it. It's also hard with somebody else in your bed, like they wake up, like it's, it's such a personal thing your wake up time. Yeah. It is interesting. I'm like, Jill's alarm will go off and I, it doesn't affect me.

If I hear that it's her, she has a much more soothing alarm than I do. Do you fall asleep at the same time or are you guys on different sketch? We go to bed at the same time because I am a weird little puppy and I'll like, even if I'm not tired, if I'm trying to convince her to watch another episode of TV and she's like, God, you can watch it, I'm going to go to sleep, I'll be like, no, no, no, I'll go to sleep. Stay up alone. I hate that.

It's scary in here. Yeah. Um, but sometimes, and we generally go to sleep at the same time. Sometimes I'll stay up a little later reading because I'm reading Dune right now and it's pretty. Really? Yeah. That's kind of cool.

So you're just like reading and you're like, I can't put this book down. I'm simply devouring it while you are what, sleeping? Yeah. I guess I find myself a little bit more of a curious book. This is you talking to her while she's snoring. Yeah. Uh, yeah, I'm my unsolicited advice. Try to wake up naturally and my other unsolicited advice, actually so listed is break this Susan's

alarm clock. That's insane. Yeah. She's ruining your life. It's not allowed. What she's doing can't stand. It's untenable. It's unsustainable.

Sleep is everything. It's uncouth and it's uncool. Dead ass. Dead ass. Not okay. All right. Cool. Thank you for writing in your questions, your theme song.

If I were you show at gmail.com, uh, the theme song from the beginning was so good it deserves another play. Uh, so thank you to Georgio for sending that in. And now we gave you the translation so you can enjoy it extra. C, C, C. And we're also making new Jake and Amir episodes on our YouTube. That's Jake and Amir.com. And we're watching, um, classic episodes of Jake and Amir on our Patreon, our Patreon.com

slash J.A. Correct. There's always more of us if you need it. So like, don't say, oh, this was too short. Like I, I need more. It's like, okay, go to fucking jakeandamir.com then like, don't, don't get mad at us. Like cause now I'm starting to get pissed off about it. No one said it to this specific episode.

I mean, I'm sure someone will, but yeah, no, I'm saying like, I like getting mad basically. Like I often sort of crave slash seek a reason to get. Pissed off, scared, coy, deaf. There's the mule. Look at that. He's drinking the Moscow mule. Oh, God. It's gotta be 11, 16 a.m. somewhere.

Actually in a way, because I am the first person to drink after the show, um, that's low key, dead ass, golden mic behavior, um, but I'll let you dissap... God, man. That was a turdy for fucking that sentence. Low key, dead ass, golden mic behavior. Fuck off with that, that, that stung me to here. I guess we both don't get it today then. I guess we both don't get it today.

We'll see how this is about to end. There's no we'll see. It's now or never and you didn't get one. We'll see. Thus. No. No, not we'll see. It's over.

I guess we'll see. Are you gonna end the episode? The episode's not over, because you haven't, you haven't, um, uh, you haven't, uh, thanked. I did it all. No, you didn't say where people, you didn't say where people could get. Yes, I did. You didn't say if you were... If I were you, I'd shag you, man.

You didn't say that? I absolutely said it. I don't think you said that. Questions, theme song, email address. You're saying it next. I don't. And I feel like you're not knowing how to host the show and me telling you how to bring it to a close.

It's not even true. This isn't, you're making shit up. That's a golden mic for my ass. You're gaslighting me. You're finally doing it. You're completing your final form. Deadass low-key gaslighting. Uh, okay, we'll see you all next week.

Bye, everybody. Oh, wait. Head Gum Live. You can buy tickets to see us in person, actually. Whoa. Uh, we'll be at the Head Gum Live podcast. Uh, there's four podcasts. Two of them are sold out, but the Head Gum live, uh, Head Gum podcast is still, uh,

I think there's like 50 or so tickets available so you can get those at headgum.com slash live New York City, October 22nd. See you soon. Bye. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it.

Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. That was a Head Gum Original.