If I Were You - 517: Christmas Tree

Episode Date: December 6, 2021

In this episode we discuss sandwiches, cold weather, and the best parts of one another.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a Hit Gum Original. This is a Hit Gum Original. This is a Hit Gum Original. That was Leah Banner who recorded that song. Having a Banner Day. Yeah, recorded in 2019, but since I'm old lady balls, I only now just exported it for us. Whoa. It was Leah Banner making a Lana Del Rey Blue Jeans parody.

So there you have it. That's right. That's why I was familiar. Very cool. Sounded great. Thank you. Today one listener from, she went to two of our live shows in Seattle, but now she lives in San Diego. So please come visit.

Nice. Yeah, we should. You and I haven't done a live show in a very long time because we hadn't done a live show in a bit before lockdown. Now we've had one live show, but it was a Hit Gum podcast. That's right. A lot of pressure on the next one. Yeah, I'm about to go on tour with Nadpot. So you and I just haven't done shit.

What do you mean on tour? Like what is that until if I were you live show in different cities without me? It's not another D&D podcast in different cities without you, but only because you're not part of that podcast. I know, but I'm wondering why? What's the deal? What's the cities that you're even going to? Is it random shit like Transylvania or is it like real cities that we used to go to? It's real cities that we used to go to, but bigger theaters though.

No way. How could it be bigger if it's a different show? Well, that show is more popular than the show. This show is actually open for you. This show is like my boxcar racer and that shows my Blink 182. Does that make sense? Yeah, like the prequel, the sort of shittier preversion, the show before the show. This is my side project at this point.

I'm your side piece. You are my side piece. And Murph is your main chick. That's correct. That's really cool actually. I always wanted to be part of an illicit affair. Yeah, that's cool. Does he know about me?

Does he go down on you at the venues? You guys have to buy a ticket to find out. He goes down on Jake in the theater. In Minneapolis. It's in Minneapolis? One of the shows is. We have shows in Boston, Chicago and Minneapolis in January and then Vancouver. Oh, that's the cold cities.

It gets colder. It gets colder than Minneapolis in February? In January and it gets colder because we're going to Vancouver in February. No, Vancouver is warmer than Minnesota for sure. I guess you're right, but we're going further north later into the winter. Yeah. And then you're going to Edmonton and Saskatchewan in mid-February. Yeah, we're going a yellow knife in March.

Or is it red knife? It's the color of a knife up there. You're going to Mexican hat Utah in the middle of March. Why did you guys choose those specific venues? That's just what the gods decided. Yeah, that's what the agents decided. I don't know why the specific venues. I think it's just because they're big cities that we haven't been to in a long time.

We've done shows in Chicago and Boston, but not in a while. It seems like the colder the venues or the colder the cities, the better the shows. And the nicer the cities, the worse the shows. Right, because maybe it's like in Minneapolis, there's not a lot to do in the winter, so you have to go to a big indoor thing. Yeah, and it's like a nice reprieve and everyone's fucking ready to laugh because it's been dark and cold for six weeks. Yeah, but then you do a show in San Diego and no one...

I always remember that LA sells pretty bad for shows. Yeah, because there's so much other comedy to do. Remember our worst show ever? Our worst selling show ever, where it was. Oh, Honolulu, right? That's right. If you go to Pure Paradise, nobody wants to go to a comedy show, of course. Yeah, they're all just out of Luau because it's nice out.

It's a comically bad show that we basically... That was like the price that we paid for going to Hawaii for a week. We had to do a show for like 11 people and then... I think it was more than that. It was like 70 people. It was small though, yeah. It was like 70 people and it was like a 500 person venue. It was 500 person capacity, so it didn't look as empty as that sounds

because capacity includes like standing room and bar. But it was fucking thin. Yeah, but the city was great. Yeah, that was where we met Sean. Of course, yeah. Shout out to Sean. Joest with the most. So you either have a great city and warm weather and a bad show

or an amazing show in the middle of winter. Like our shows in Minneapolis and Chicago's were great. Yeah, we had an amazing show in Minneapolis in November and the next day it was seven degrees. We literally couldn't stand outside. Yes, I remember that. I don't know if it was November, was it? I remember there was a football game happening the next day.

Yeah, I think it was November. I'm pretty sure like, because I kind of remember being like, can you believe it's this cold and it's only November. It's fall. It was technically fall. And like the next day, they have an outdoor football stadium at the University of Minnesota. So like they pre-game or tailgate,

then they go to the game and they stand outside when it's like two degrees out. Yeah, that's correct. They're actually built different. That's why it works for them. Like at that point, you probably have to have like a long john and a windbreaker, you know? Yeah, I'm sure a little bit more than that.

Your eyelids will freeze. So it's more than just a long john and a windbreaker. A mitten, I think. No, more than a mitten. You need fucking propane socks and a tankless water heater on your ass. Rolling it around in like a roller suit case. It really is the fastest way to warm up is to shove

a boiling hot balloon up your ass and then as it dissolves. Yeah, it's like it's almost like cooking a turkey, like cooking yourself from the inside out. But you start with yourself with boiling hot water. Yeah, and it starts with your ass. Exactly. Because that's technically the center of your gravity. I don't understand why we can't sell out venues like NADPOD can.

It doesn't make sense because we were funny, but then we also have like some pretty interesting science tips with regards to shoving gravy up your ass. To stay warm in the autumn of Minneapolis. Yeah, exactly. Is it cold there yet? Is it in the northeast? It's still no.

Oh, no, it's December now. Holy shit. Yeah, it has been pretty. I mean, it's that thing where like it feels really cold because it's a lot colder than it was a few weeks ago, but it's still not as cold as it's going to get. It's like in the 20s and 30s with like, you know, low 30s with wind and it makes you feel like, oh my God.

But tomorrow is supposed to be 60. Oh, game over. Yeah. I'm still going on bike rides. I saw football highlights a game in Michigan and it was like driving snow. My God. Not there yet.

Yeah, not yet. There's been a dusting, but nothing that like stuck. Just some kind of flakes in the sky that you can see. All right. All right. Okay. We did a lightning round before Thanksgiving. Correct.

Then Thanksgiving happened, but there was a bunch of questions we left. There's some meat left on the bone as they say in Thanksgiving. Did you have a turkey on Thanksgiving? I should ask. I did. I did have a turkey. I think I've said this before, but the bird gets smaller every year.

Jill's mom cooks brisket and that's what the day is all about for me. It's about the brisket. Yeah. I put a little turkey on there just to like satisfy the Thanksgiving gods. You know, you have to do something. Right. It's tradition. It's, it's, it harkens back to my days as a youth, but, but really it's, it's the

least interesting thing out there. Yeah. The least exciting part of the, the plate. Yeah. And then it just rolled straight into Hanukkah. Like we really only have like three big holidays a year and they're all in the same four week span for some reason. Thanksgiving into Hanukkah into Christmas.

It's nice the last night of Hanukkah. You know, I put up Christmas lights. Christmas lights are a Christmas tree. Now there's a difference. Lights. Yeah. Okay. I think there's some kind of Jewish stigma against the tree.

Yep. I hit the tree. You're very anti-tree. Anti-tree. Grinch level animosity towards the tree. Jill is not at your level, but she is tree averse to be sure. Of course. She's not interested in the tree.

The tree is to her. The tree is a full, whole hog. That's the final fontreer. The Lars von Trier actually of it. I want the tree. Oh, and it's the ornaments. The ornaments are the next level as well. Yeah.

There's a Kutrimon to the tree. A Kutrimon is what they call it. That's right. But lights are a good gateway for the tree. Would you say that's the golden mic? For what? A Kutrimon. No.

In terms of ornaments and stuff that goes with the tree because it's a Kutrimon and a Kutrimon. A low key slash low tree like the Lars von Trier of it all. More so than the Kutrimon. The Lars von Trier. Lars von Trier. To make it a final fontreer meets Lars von Trier. Who is Lars von Trier?

Yes. He's a Swedish filmmaker and his name sort of rhymes with fontreer, which is a portmanteau, a frontier and tree. I feel like a Kutrimon. Yes. I know what you feel. I know what you think. It's not even the end of the day.

We're 10 minutes deep. You don't have to decide yet. Put that in your back pocket for now. Let's decide before the first break, but I think a Kutrimon is an early lead because I don't know who the Lars von Trier guy is. I feel like it was a little too deep of a pull. Almost a turdy level pull. No way.

You can't just say that he's turdy level because you don't know who this guy is. He's a Danish filmmaker, I should say. You didn't even know who he was. It's because you said Swedish. That's pretty fucking close. Or Finnish or whatever. No, I said Swedish. I said Swedish, yes.

Well, he's a Dane. He did Melancholia if you know that movie and a bunch of other movies you don't really know. Yeah, it's sort of a little obscure to be sure. To be sure it's obscure. Wait, but we were talking about a tree. You don't like the tree. Yeah, lights.

I don't do the tree. The tree is very American, non-Jewish, so it rubs me the wrong way. It's not my family. It's a decent, you need everyone to be bought in on the tree. Yes. You bring a fucking tree into the house. That's a two-person job. You need some excitement.

Yeah. I want the tree. She'd tolerate the tree. She'll be fine with the tree, but she won't be happy to hoist the tree and to ornament the tree. She actually wouldn't even enjoy the ikkutrimar, I should say. The ikkutrimon, but for the tree. That's almost what makes it a quite golden mic because it's tough to say.

Ikkutrimon. It makes me almost forget the word. Ikkutrimon. Yeah. But I don't know. I think it's a golden mic. Anyway, yeah, but she did help with the lights. She did help with the lights.

And the lights could be blue and white. They could vaguely even be Hanukkah lights if necessary. That's correct. Yeah, that's true. That's true. And they look nice. They're pretty. They're outside.

They're not tree in your house, but I miss the tree. I want the tree. So you're not doing the tree or you are doing the tree? At this point, I don't think we will because I feel now we're going away and like the third week or the second, you know, we're going away at some point in December. So if we weren't going to have it for the past week now at this point, it's just giving ourselves, it's not enough time. Next year, I'm going to do the tree.

You can do a stocking. I'll give you a fucking red sock at most. If that's too much, then I can give you a pink sock if you know what that is. I do. That's actually when you're, yeah. That's fucking dirty for you because that's fucking foul. You've been talking a little too much about ass play since the beginning of this. You're talking about putting a boiling hot balloon in your ass and then you're talking

about giving me a pink sock. And I feel like it's just uncouth, man. You're too old for this shit and grow up. It is tacky. You're right. Especially around the holiday season. To the squeezing. Yeah.

To the squeezing. Yeah. What do you mean? Yeah. Basically when you have a pink sock, your colon sort of wraps itself around this tube situation, a tuber kind of like a radish or a yam, a garnet yam or a can. Any can yam will do. And it'll sort of create this suction of sorts that'll start your whole shit inside out.

And you, yeah. You better not. And you'll give me that. You'll give me that. You're saying you'll do that to me instead of a stocking. I could have either one of those things. Yeah. Like you either get a stocking stuffer or you get stuffered if you know what I mean.

So those are your two options. I'll give you the red sock or the pink sock basically as it were. I'll take the red. Yeah, the stocking one. I'll take the red. Because that one just, you get like little gifts. That one doesn't involve you putting a can of yams in me. Here's a quick one just to get it started.

We should say this is if I were you, the only advice show I guess on the internet. Although it's fucking barely that the threat of any sanity semblance association with advice is slowly leaving the window. For sure. For sure. There was one question that I think we brought up before. Maybe this guy's referencing it. Let me look up to see who wrote it.

But it was basically, can you put cranberry sauce on? Oh, here we go. J sizzle. Can cranberry sauce go on spaghetti? Hmm. Yeah. This is like, because we answered another question that was like, can you put cranberry sauce on anything?

Yeah. Yeah. It's come up before the idea of like cranberry sauce in a sandwich, how ketchup is not that cranberry sauce? And yet the idea of cranberry sauce on spaghetti is kind of gross, but maybe it shouldn't be. I think it's, I mean, I think cranberry sauce on literally anything is gross. I think it's a foul sauce. I think it's way too sweet.

I don't like mixing that with meat. It's tart. Yeah. It's tart is the issue. I don't really like to fuck with fruit and meat together, you know, essentially at all. Like I barely like a slice of apple on a sandwich or something. Yeah. What about a pineapple on a pizza?

Pizza. No fucking chance. Really? No chance. No. Interesting. So you don't like a fruit and meat to, to meat? Yeah.

It's not. I mean, I'm, there's a grilled pineapple on a Hawaiian burger. Yeah. Not. I mean, I've had that and I would like, you know, put prosciutto on melon and I'd have the grapes in the, in the chicken salad. Yes. The Waldorf.

That's nice. I don't think that, like, I crave that in any way. No part of me is like, oh, thank God there's fruit in here. Yeah. And there's only a couple instances where I think it's fine and a lot of instances where I think it's like. A pear and a bear. Like eating bear meat?

Yes. Like eating bear meat. Can you eat bear? Yeah. Can you eat bear? You can't, but you can, but you shouldn't and you probably won't. Unless it's like, yeah. Like hunting bear.

Yeah. Like, but yeah. Interesting. Cause I feel like, you know, people that hunt deer or moose, they, you would eat that. Yeah. Venison for sure. You eat a deer and a beer, not really a fruit, but it does. But a fine combo for sure.

Yeah. Yeah. People shoot bears and they don't really eat them. Kind of a waste of killing an animal if you ask me. For sure. Uh, cranberry sauce can go on spaghetti, but you wouldn't, you wouldn't like it. No. I actually find that to be despicable.

I think it's really disgusting. Yeah. Cranberries are very polarizing. Like you, you never see them anywhere in the wild. They're all, they're always sauce. Like you see raspberries, blackberries, blueberries, they're in salads, they're in fruit salads, they're in smoothies. You rarely see a cranberry in the wild.

Yeah. I, I, I totally concur. And like, I think you, it's more of a flavor than an actual like berry. I'm going to just kind of look at what a cranberry looks like cause yeah. It looks like a blueberry, but it's red. I don't even think you can get them at Whole Foods. Like I think it's always like frozen or a puree or a sauce. Like you're never getting a bag.

Is that cause they're too tart? I think they're too tart. Like if you've ever had unsweetened cranberry juice, it's almost like so, it's so dry and salty and tarty. I see. And I don't think that's good. That's not what you would want to put on pasta. It's like putting your pasta into jello. It's like not a flavor that you want.

Yeah. So I'd be intrigued, but ultimately I'd be not into it. I guess. I agree. It's a super fruit, I guess. I don't know. I think you have to add a lot of sugar to it to make it palatable. Maybe that's why.

Mm hmm. Okay. Sana. Wait. Let's take a break and then answer more questions. We really have to put a break in here right now. Yeah. That's fair.

Okay. We'll be back with more questions, specifically the one Jake was about to start. Thank you to Helix Sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yes. Thank you for making the sleep test, the sleep exam, and letting me ace it and become the doctor of the mattress. Yes, sir. Yeah.

Helix makes a really great mattress line and you take a little sleep quiz to see what mattress is right for you. Mm hmm. Yeah, right. Jake's been bragging about completing this two minute, honestly, like BuzzFeed light quiz. I don't. I don't sleep for the better part of a decade.

Excuse me. I do not. I do not brag. I don't brag about completing it. I brag about acing it. Ass. Because you got the mattress and it was great or? Yeah.

I got the perfect mattress. Thank God. That's right. And if you want the perfect mattress, you can go to helixsleep.com slash if I were you for 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows. Amazing. Free pillows. Come on.

Yes. This is their best offer yet and no, it won't last long with Helix. The better sleep starts now. Now. So regardless of how you sleep, whether you like it soft, medium or firm, Helix has 20 unique mattresses just ready to go based on how you fill up that sleep preference and they'll send you the best one. And if you go to helixsleep.com slash if I were you, that's 20% off.

Amazing. Thank you, Helix. Sleep well. Thank you to stamps.com for sponsoring this episode of our show. Visiting the post office and dealing with shipping and handling is probably one of the most stressful parts of owning a business, but with stamps.com, all you need is a computer and a printer and they can bring the post office in your office. So if you need a package pickup, you can easily schedule it.

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Just sign up with promo code if I were you for a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and a free digital scale. Wow. No long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to stamps.com. You click the microphone at the top of the page and enter code if I were you. And that gets you a free four-week trial, free postage and a digital scale. That sounds pretty good.

Thank you stamps.com for sponsoring this show. Now, do you have unsolicited? Have we talked about Thera guns before? Oh, I think we have. I think we have. I'm pretty sure I gave the unsolicited advice to get a Thera gun or at least said that I was using one. I was visiting a house last week and the owner of the home had a Thera gun.

I tried it. It was great. Made me want to look up. I guess Thera guns are pretty expensive, but like you can't patent it. So a bunch of people just made knockoff Thera guns that are pretty affordable. I think I'm going to cop a Thera gun or generic equivalent. Right. It's they're nice to have.

It feels good. It's it's a nice like little way to give yourself a massage. Yeah. Are you using it? Especially if you have a loved one, like they can open down the back. That feels really, really nice. Yeah, I still use it. All right, cool.

OK, quick unsolicited Thera gun because we might have said it before. All right. What's the question? I also have unsolicited actually. Oh, because I don't know. Well, it's tough because not a lot of people have access to this kind of thing. But I I've personally just gotten into saunas recently. So there's another sort of muscular rest device.

There's a sauna at my gym. And I've never I never was into the idea of it before. So it always just seemed like uncomfortable. But I've been doing it for the last like few weeks. And it's kind of a game changer. Sauna is the dry one and steam room is the wet one. Yeah, I think steam room that one seems tough. I those it's hard to breathe in a steam room.

I yeah, it's like it's humid almost like an oven. You walk in there and you can hardly breathe and you're just drenched in sweat instantly. Yeah. The sauna is just really hot, but you can kind of breathe and it's dry. But that's OK. Yeah. And but then it like you break a sweat and it just feels so good. It starts pouring off your body. And yeah, it's yeah, it's great.

So they have the day. Do they do they have one at your gym? How are you going to a sauna? Yeah, they have one at the gym. It's just like on the roof at the gym. You know, people are starting to build something like you can get like a telephone. Yeah, I kind of I look low. Low key. A personal booth.

Yeah, much like the Christmas tree, Jill's not going to let me put a sauna in the backyard. Interesting. Yeah. I feel like I could wear it down on that one because they are great. And it's not like they're they're so inaccessible. Like my gym is not an expensive gym and they have a sauna there. There's definitely like there's cheap places that do a sauna. Yeah. And saunas can be high key, high key. Yeah, they can.

They can be high key, high key. Yeah. Well, what do you think of that? I feel like you're fishing for the golden. No, I'm not fishing for anything. I'm just saying you think of that. You're a little too focused in Scandinavia this episode. What's absurd? I'm focused in Scandinavia.

Yeah, the Frontrier guys. He's a Danish director. It's also, by the way, it's pronounced Higa. So it's not like it's Higa, Higa, Uga. Yes. So Higgy is not it's frankly, it's a turdy for mispronouncing it to that to the extent that you did. It's actually not pronounced, frankly, it's pronounced Frinkla.

Really? Yes, Frinkla, Higa and Higa. It's how you pronounce all those things, but I'll let it slide. Sana asks, Jake, where did you get? Sana, Sana, Sana. Oh, wow. That's crazy. They ask, where did you get the shirt you're wearing in costumes part four? What the fart? Do you remember that?

No, that's why I wanted. I was curious, costumes part four, Jake. That's the one we shot recently. Oh, so I'll definitely know where the shirt is from. Let's see. Let's add playing. That's fine. Yeah. That's a few cents into our pocket, of course.

That's good. Whoa, which is good. We have fucking two ads. What are we fucking? And a midroll. Yeah. And then there's also a banner over her face. I see a 90 second unskippable app. You'd love to see it.

Oh, that's it's this is one of my favorite shirts. Actually, we're at last night. It's from Brixton, Brixton, folks. Is it a team? What is a button up? It is a long sleeve button up mustered slash slash rust colored rustered, rustered with a blue highlight. That's tough to see in this in this video because it's a little dim on the day, but that's OK.

B-R-I-X-T-O-N. Yeah. All right, you got that. Brixton. Yeah. Sorry about that. A.K.A. Yimsta Art writes, when making a sandwich, what order do you place the meat, cheese, condiments and veggie? I rarely think about the order. I think I don't know if this is optimal, but I do. I know the order.

I always do the the condiment first. Yeah, and I spread that. Yeah, then I do the meat. I basically build it from the bottom up. And so then it's like after that, then it's the cheese. And do you rub the cream on the bottom and top slice of the bread? Yes. Are you a double condiment? I like a dressed sandwich, for sure.

So you you apply the lather, you cream and slather, and then you'll do the meat and then you'll do the greens. Yeah, then the meat, then the greens, then the tomato, then the cheese. I'm rarely putting a tomato in my sandwich. I'm ordering it, but I'll never like slice one up and add it to my own personal. Yeah. Yeah. If I'm like making a quick sandwich, I won't. But if like if everyone's making a sandwich, you know, like that that moment

where we're like, oh, we're going to the beach. We're all sandwiched and every all of the ingredients are out. And there's kind of like a sandwich assembly line. I'll tag you on a tomato. That awkward moment when everybody's making a sandwich. It's not an awkward moment. It's kind of nice. A lot of energy in the kitchen. Oh, man.

That could be a funny Jake and Amir episode. It's like we're on a triple date for some reason. There's no explanation. It's me and a girl, you and somebody. And then a third couple, we're all fucking in the kitchen making sandwiches, you know, like everything is good. The day is getting set. We're all finally going to the coffee.

Yeah, everyone's listening to music. Yeah, an Airbnb for the weekend where we picked up some sandwich fix. That's right. Yeah. And then I ask for an ingredient or something that's fucking bizarre. And that sort of derails the entire mood of the day. Yeah. Yeah. Do we have eggplant? The song just happens to stop like somebody gets a phone call in their phones.

Like the song stops kind of like spiritually at that question. Yeah, that's good. So it's almost like a record scratch. Yeah, exactly. Sorry, I was getting a phone call. What'd you say? No, did we get who went shopping? Me and whatever.

The third couple that's there that we don't even explain why they're there. We didn't know we didn't get eggplant eggplant. Yeah, I was going to make like eggplant, avocado, mayo. Yeah, a BLT, but a BET. Yeah, bacon, eggplant, tomato, sandwich. And then she's like, yeah, I feel like I don't want to go. I don't think I want to do the hike anymore. What? Why?

That sandwich just kind of like. It made me I lost my appetite and also kind of my my will to live for the day. It's fine. It's fine. I'll just I'll I'll go somewhere else. Do we have do we have carrots, like soft carrots for the sandwich then? I just want a soft vegetable I can bite into on the bread. I'll do I'll do a Gouda soft carrot or something. What do we have in that?

No, man, we don't have soft at this point. People are getting bad at me. Yeah, yeah, that's good. We don't soft carrots. That's not even a thing. All right. All right, forget it. I guess it could be a lonely and horny. Yeah. Oh, God.

We should write another season of lonely and horny. That's right. We do own the rights to look. We're sitting on this fucking IP not doing anything with with it. It's because lonely and horny is more expensive to shoot than a Jake and Amir because it involves a full cast. Yeah, I mean, it's seventy five K and F just to make it look good and long. That's not unsustainably.

So we'll make a season instead of buying a mansion. We'll have a third season of lonely and horny. Yeah, I mean, I would be I'd be real into that. Most like TV shows cost like millions of dollars in episode. We make 75 K is pretty cheap fucking nothing. We should say lonely and horny season one and two are available on our Patreon. So, I don't know. That's something you want to revisit.

We can even do a watch. We've never rewatched it. Maybe we could do that a rewatch. That's a good call because we could. You could also split those up like because each one basically I feel like lonely and horny. Each one contained like three Jake and Amir's. That was like the three longish scenes

that hopefully had something to do with each other. Yeah. OK, stay tuned for that. This is kind of a blue one. I don't know if you want to go this immature, but Reverend's Reverend Sackett asked, what beverage would you most want to dunk your balls in? Oh, that's definitely not as blue as it could have been

considering you were talking about like. What do you want a teabag? Pink socks, really. What do you want a teabag? Basically, do you want to go carbonated just to see what that would feel like? Would that be interesting to have a soda dipped balls? Would you go warm like a tea or would that be too risky? Because it might boil your eggs.

Or would you want to keep it creamy for me, me? I'll take oat milk chilled in a wide glass so that I can dip my balls in it. Actually, it is too immature. What? You're going to say that after after I answered it. You had me right up until creamy for me, me. Which was a lot.

Yeah, that was like 98 percent of it. Even boiling your eggs, that was I was on board for that. In fact, I liked it. I hadn't considered the carbonation element of it. Just out of curiosity, that's fascinating to me. You get that's really interesting. You get the snap, crackle and pop. You can you can actually put it in a bowl of Rice Krispies just to see what happens.

Well, that's cool. A cereal or an oatmeal of sorts. He didn't rule out porridge, technically not a beverage, but still interesting. Right. Well, so then he did rule it out, right? When he said beverage, for sure. Try to pay attention. A rice pudding, then. It's not a beverage.

A yogurt. Where do we where do we land on GoGurt as something you can dip your balls into? I would have to go. GoGurt is not a food or drink. OK, so I don't think it's allowed because if it's not a drink, then it's not a beverage. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, like GoGurt's just a meal.

On the go. Does that make sense? Yeah, of course it does. Just fucking answer the question. I don't give a shit. I'm saying LaCroix. The plane, because it lets you have the excitement of the carbonation of the tingle on your bingle, bingle. Yeah, a pomp-la-mousse on your stomp.

Well, that's what I don't know if I want the I don't know if I want the the flavor. I feel like that. It just it makes me feel like there's a little it's a little stickier with the flavoring. Yeah, maybe it's not. Maybe that's fine because it's not necessarily sugar. Like you wouldn't want to go do it with sprite because you don't want the sticky nuts. I ever. Yeah, I think I'm going to be sick. But I remember there was a middle school phase.

Tell me if it reached you guys back east, where teens would use gold bond. Remember that, like the powder that you would put on your nuts. And it's supposed to like it's either made for it and it like dries your balls so that they don't get stinky or it's like made for something else. And it gives you a tingly sensation on your balls. Gold bond powder. I I know gold bond powder. We never like used it on each other.

You're not thinking of like icy hot or something. Maybe one. I mean, it was sort of the same thing. Yeah, talcum powder and they put kids would put it on their balls and it would just feel like, oh, oh, God, of course, I never did it. But yeah, like a men's ball soothing powder. I feel like you're thinking of icy hot. I had a friend that put icy hot on his balls.

And he like, really, it was very, very uncomfortable. But talcum powder and gold bonds and like maybe there's a specific version of the powder that that gives you the the cool feeling. Yeah, the cool feeling. But I also feel like there's there's some of it that just is for keeping it dry. I never used gold bond on any of her thing. Have you ever used this powder, body powder? Yeah, I had like I had jackets one time, like a few summers ago.

And I used some kind. Maybe it was talcum powder. It wasn't like where your thighs met your balls or like on your feet. It was no, it's where my thigh. It was like it was like where my thigh met my ball. Kind of. Yeah, you also had ringworm and anal rosacea. So you had sort of a bunch of fucking skin malady is on your taint. That a parasite and pink eye and my parasite had tapeworm.

You're you're brown. I had pink eye if you can fucking believe it. Nice. Really? No, I mean, you already won the tourney for the whole Scandinavia debacle. I was in the debacle. I brought a pretty interesting Danish filmmaker just to sort of class up this podcast because of this fucking class up every other question from you is fucking. You're asking me where my jock itch was.

You said, where was your jock itch? Was it on your foot? Like, you know where it is. You're trying to embarrass me. You're trying to embarrass me and I won't be embarrassed. No, it's on my fucking gruntle, man. That's the thing about us. We don't get embarrassed.

Name that episode of succession. Oh, that wasn't that like two episodes ago? Shib said that to somebody is like that's my epic last line. And it's just sort of like we don't saying we don't get embarrassed is so shameful. Yeah, it's like, oh, that's kind of fucking lame, actually. You should feel shame. We don't get embarrassed. Like, wow.

So you kind of admit that there's many instances where you should. Yeah, there's been two successions episodes since your complaint of nothing really happening this season, episodes ending where they start. Yeah, have they have your complaints been quelled or are you still feeling that? I know I love Kendall's birthday episode. I thought it was great. Interesting, because that episode did leave me feeling like nothing is really happening this season, because like the threat

of jail went away, the whole Kendall's trying to get the company back is fading away. It's like there's there's no large moving plot story anymore. Yeah, I guess I like that episode just because it was such a it's I Kendall is like my favorite character. So any any episode that's like explores his psyche to that level. I'm like fascinated by watching. Yeah, but I do agree that a lot of the a lot of like succession is just like setting something up and then sort of taking it back or like a return to the norm.

Yeah, like choosing a president. And then that just didn't ever come back in this episode. Or like Tom is threatened to go to jail for six episodes building, building, building. Oh, we got a phone call. It's not going to happen. Oh, OK, that was fast. They just went away instantly. But to me, it almost seemed like that could be like a false sense of relief.

They're like, it's not happening. He celebrates. He's really happy. Yeah, they're going to come back and be like, oh, actually, it is happening. I feel like that could still happen. But they used to do such a good job of like setting stuff up for like multi episode or seasons away. And now it's like, we're meeting with this guy at the beginning of the episode.

And then by the end, he's like the most important guy. It's like, where was this guy? Like, I've never heard of this thing, this app. You guys are looking to buy an app like that was fast. Yeah, I think they just got that scars guard guy. Like, it feels almost like scars guard and Adrian Brody just like texting somebody. And they're like, I love succession. Can I do a cameo?

And they're like, oh, yeah, let's just make you a really important rich person for one episode, because Adrian Brody is that with his character, too. Yeah, he was like, just played an insanely large shareholder that they needed to win over. Yeah, but then they did his yeah. And then scars guard is he's very skeptical of the whole situation until Roman pisses, let's let's Roman let's him piss on his phone. He's like, you know what, you're a good guy.

Let's do this meeting. Yeah. Yeah. Just because I got to piss on your app. You think Roman has two phones or what was the plan there? I truly have no idea. It seemed risky to like leave it in the toilet because like, once like waterproof, like his phone, someone could just pick that up and kind of use his phone to blackmail him or something.

There's lots of important data. Like, you should probably go back for that, Roman. But yeah, still enjoyable, but I would say the first two seasons have been more compelling than the third season so far. There's still one or two episodes left, right? It's yeah, it's still great. I just think the show definitely like rests on its laurels of like making now it's like the funny games part of a movie where we're just like

watching the characters do stuff. All right. Do you like the homo eroticism between Tom and Greg? It's very like they're lifting it, getting it more and more intense and close. I'm like, is something, are they going to fucking make out or something? What's going on here? Interesting. I didn't even notice that. Really? Yeah. Interesting.

Yeah, watch the last few episodes with that in mind. They like get very close. At one point, like Tom actually kisses Greg like on the forehead. Kisses on the forehead. Yeah. Yeah. Well, like he always like goes down to his bunker and he's like, I would let you cast. I would castrate myself to marry you, Greg, who are like they want to wrestle. And they whisper into each other.

And I don't know, it feels very romantic at parts. That's interesting. Yeah. I mean, to me, I'd always just felt like Tom is like some kind of like psycho playing mind games with him. Yeah. And maybe that's like maybe the romance aspect of it is like something too. Interesting. All right. How's the wheels turn? All right. Let's take another break and break and answer some more questions

after these messages. Oh, there's another succession tonight. Correct. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah.

Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma.

Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're they're great, really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant.

We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it. It's just being goofy a little bit like this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that.

Or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an Aura. Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app.

Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah, like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame.

Yeah, it's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the Perfect Father's Day gift and visit AuraFrames. That's A-U-R-A-Frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is. Oh, wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th.

So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's AuraFrames. A-U-R-A-Frames.com. Okay. Go get your parents something. All right. And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to.

And we're back. It's Mbombray writes on Twitter. Can I be in charge of the HG Chicago office? Also, when will there be an HG Chicago office? That's a great question. Maybe soon. I mean, you romanticize new office locations nearly all the time. So if we have one in LA, one in New York, if HEADGUM just becomes wildly internationally successful, we're raking in the dough and they're like,

we got to open up a third office. Jake, where should it be? And will you help us move there and open up and set up the office? Oh, I love it. I mean, I would want it to be London. I've talked about this many a time. This is why we've been working with more British comedians to bring the Brits on the network, like Sound Deals, Three Black Halflings, that type of thing. Yeah, I would want it to be London.

And I would love to set up that office. And I'd actually love to work out of that office from now on. That would be really cool. Yeah, that's cool. Okay, so Chicago might not be the third city, but it's got to be one of the biggest American candidates. Yeah, I mean, I feel like we're, I mean, we had a Chicago employee until recently, Danny lived in Chicago. And he was where he had to come.

And the Hey Riddle Riddle guys live in Chicago. Yeah, I guess it's just like, it's less and less important to have an office in general. So I feel like we could easily have a very widely dispersed team and still not have an office. Yeah, it's the offices. Physical space, it's cool to say you have a Chicago office, but then it's like, what are we going to tell people

to go into a studio in Chicago? What if nobody feels comfortable doing that? Imagine if we had like four employees in Chicago. You know, to me, that's like the size of a satellite office. Yeah, they would probably just work from home. Yeah. Yeah, I guess it all depends on if this Omicron virus spreads or not. We still don't know if the vaccines are effective against it.

We don't know if it's effective. We don't know how transmissible it is, but the science behind it is that it's dangerous. They basically took a picture of it and they're like, oh, this one's not good. We better hope this one doesn't spread. And then so far it's doing that like, it's fine. Two people, four people, eight people have it,

but it's probably fine. 16 at most. And then everyone was like, oh, I know where this is going. I get it. I'd also do Fitzroy. Melbourne. Melbourne, I saw had some insanely draconian COVID measures recently. Like you have to like literally stay in front of your house

and you can't even walk around. And when you're outside on your balcony, you have to wear a mask, like some really intense corona stuff. So maybe we'll do London first. And then if this new variant's not a big deal, we can do Melbourne a little bit post COVID. That's cool. That's probably the move.

Yeah. So Chicago, maybe London, hopefully. And then after that, Australia. You really just want to do global domination. Yeah. And yeah, that would be ideal. That'd be ideal. So if you're a listener that works out in London

and you want to produce podcasts or make podcasts, definitely just let us know. Ideally though, you're a salesperson. That's really what we need out there. The cash flow coming in. We need a person. Everything else follows. Emailing out of their house.

But if we want to go real ham, we can choose a cheaper city and buy a studio. So it's like, oh, now we're investing in real estate. So if all goes to the fucking ground, podcast doesn't exist anymore, scorched earth. Hey, at least we have this fucking building in Chattanooga, Tennessee or something. Well, then, but I mean, I'd still like to have that Europe presence.

So why don't we just go to Dublin? OK, a little more affordable. So it's a little more affordable than London. But honestly, I don't know how affordable commercial real estate is in any of these places. Yeah, I guess we haven't looked at building, buying a factory in Scotland recently. Yeah.

How do I buy a flat in Glasgow? A live work Glasgow flat. Yeah. So I can sort of glass come and glass go as I please, as I see fit. We've never even been to Scotland, right? No, no, we have not. And we've wanted to for many, many a year now. Here's an interesting question.

Yeah. At No Intelligence asks, if you could steal one straight slash skill from each other, what would it be? Oh, steal a trait. Well, you already sort of cut your hair recently. So it wouldn't be my hair because you did kind of steal my haircut. You cut your main short.

We haven't really talked about that on the podcast yet. Yeah. That was my Hanukkah present to Jill. I think we talked about that. I was going to thinking about giving her that for Hanukkah, right? Yeah. And then what? So what happened?

You walked in there and they said, oh, wow. And then you're like, wrap my head up in a scarf and a hat and a hood. You did a reveal. Yeah. And she unwrapped it. Wow. And was she happy to see it? She was happy to see it.

Was the barber happy to cut it? He, no, he seemed, he told me that he was doing a lot of those. He was like, I've been doing a lot of these haircuts, like the guys that grew their hair out during COVID coming out. Yeah, it's time to call it a day. Why did you decide now to say enough was enough? I felt like it had grown as long as I wanted it to. Yeah.

And it was kind of starting to be a little annoying. There was a time, I think over the summer where it felt right, but then it grew a little bit longer and it was like, it would get naughty. It was like, I would take a shower and it would take a very long time to dry. Yeah. Which when it's cold out is more annoying. Yeah. Yeah.

And then also like, I think I just like got everything, got everything I needed from it. I didn't want to have got it out of your system. Yeah. But then I will say also, as the guy was cutting my hair, I was just like watching it all fall on the floor and I was like, I shouldn't have done this. I was, I like, I, it almost feels like just because I got people like Jeff,

my friend Ben, my brother, like people I've seen since then have like, it feels almost like I abandoned the team. Yeah. Like Jeff, yeah. When Jeffrey James saw me, he was like, dismayed. He was like, you cut your hair. It's like, we all have this contract that we kind of look bad and half long hair. Yeah.

But I abandoned ship. I banded, but I mean, they look good with it. So I don't know. It was, it was like clump for me. It was like clumping on the sides and like falling over my shoulders in a way that made it look like I had pigtails all the time. So it's just like not worth the effort anymore. Do you have gray hair?

I know it's a little harder to see on blondes, but do you have grays like I do and it's just less noticeable? No, I don't think I have any gray hair on my head. I have gray hair on my beard, but not on my head. Interesting. Yeah. I don't know what that is about. Huh.

I guess when you're blonde, it doesn't really go as gray or it's not as noticeable. Yeah. If that, like I'm more worried about my hair falling out than turning color. Okay. So what trait would you steal from me if you could? I guess you're thick hair. Wow. Yeah.

I mean, it's not a skill. It's just sort of a genetic decision. Oh, your ability to do math really fast. Oh, that's cool. Good at math. Yeah. Okay. So my hair and my arithmetic skills.

Yeah. Your hairline and your arithmetic. What was that fucking? Why did you have to specify that? Like my hair is bad, but my line is good. The gray-ass Brillo pad? I don't want that. You wanted a lower, yeah.

You want a lower. I want the lower hairline. Yeah, that's it. Yeah. I have to say that amongst all the weird genetic things that I may have won or lost along the way, the hair one is probably puts me in like the top second percentile. Yeah. It's like a rare thing that also like comes into play later in life that you don't really realize.

When everyone's in their 20s, everyone's got like, you know, thick, pretty good hair. You're not really thinking about it falling out or thinning. Yeah. And then when you're in your 30s, there begins to be a separation. I would sacrifice some of it for height. I would sacrifice some of it for jawline. I would sacrifice some of it to look like a better man to have green eyes.

What kind of deal would you make? Like, I think for me, it's like my thing that I have going is the height. And it's like, so if I'm a six feet, would I give an inch to get the perfect hairline? Yeah. And would I give two inches to get abs? Oh, wow. A six or a six pack first to be five, 11. Two inches, I'd be five, 10.

So five, 10 with abs. I think I make that deal. Yeah. Five, 10 is fine, I think. Yeah. I mean, all the heights are fine. Yeah. They're all fine.

Especially if the difference between five, 10 and five, 11 is probably not as noticeable. But to say you're six, that last inch that I just stopped short of, I would probably cut my fucking dick off for that. Take the inches from my dick to add to your head, which you can do. You could castrate yourself and just sew on a little penis hat. And then you'll technically be six, two. That's really good. It'll just be that you have a horn that's a cock.

So yeah, I would want your, I guess your teeth are pretty straight. They're not, though. That's a crazy thing. Yeah. I was thinking recently how it would be interesting to feel like the way you feel you're with your tongue, the teeth in your mouth, if you could feel other people's teeth. Yeah.

If you'd be shocked at like what's going on there. That wouldn't be fascinating. You'll never be able to, even if I licked the back of your teeth, I wouldn't have that same feeling. And you have. Yeah. We should say that I have. Okay.

I would take your, I mean, as long as we're doing like physical traits, I would be six. I would be six at one. What, how tall are you? Six, one, six and a half. I think I'm just over six. It's great. I wouldn't say six.

That's solid. Sign me up for six. And then in terms of like my math ability, maybe you're, like, what are you good at intellectually? God, I guess you're like setting me up to insult me. Maybe I was going to say math too, but that's me still. Obviously. That's what I said for you.

That shirt's nice. That's not like a, yeah. But that's, that's like a physics. That's just the thing that I bought. We're talking about like traits. It's basically like, do I have something about my- You're appreciation slash understanding of poems. Because I for one don't care slash get poetry.

Poems. Yeah, that's right. And you're sometimes eager to read and understand what these fucking, these, these word soups, like these things that are like being flowery in terms of language on purpose, a little cryptic to the point where I can't solve it like an equation. It frustrates and bewilders me. So I'll be 6.05 feet tall and I'll fucking read Robert Frost and enjoy it. That basically was a poem, what you just said and did.

Holy shit. It was beautiful, man. You don't think, should I fucking do an anthology or some shit? The final front rear. That's the name of it. I sell one copy. What a fucking waste of time that was. I cannot believe I wrote these things for no one.

You sell it for a million dollars though. Worth it. All right, that's it. That's our time. Thanks for emailing us slash tweeting at us your questions. Yeah. Happy holidays to everybody. The email address for theme songs and questions is if I read a show at gmail.com.

Opening theme song was by Leah Banner. And this closing one is by EVIN, E-V-Y-N-N-E. How would you spell that? How would you pronounce that? Evan. E-V-Y-N-N-E, yeah. Evan. Evan.

Yeah. Evan. Yeah. It's like Evan with a cool spelling of it. I think I would say Evan, yeah. Long time listener figured I should write a song. I mean, instruments are pretty gay, so I might as well put my homosexuality to use and give you some content.

Any horror, hope you and George engorge and eat an orange. Signed with love, your local lesbian Evan. How's that for an intro? It's perfect. Thank you. And we'll be back, I'm sure, next week as always. And for more of us, you can watch us on Patreon, patreon.com slash ja. Hell yeah.

All right, thanks for listening, everybody. Be back soon. Peace. That was a Hidgum Original.